The Skinny Confidential Him & Her Podcast - Ari Shaffir - How To Keep Going After Failures, Comedy, Cancel Culture, & Pursuing A Creative Career

Episode Date: July 24, 2024

#730: Today we’re sitting down with Ari Shaffir, a comedian, actor, podcaster, writer, and producer. He’s best known for his stand up comedy and his last special, “Jew,” which has garnered almost 6 million views and was written up in The NY Times in its list of best specials of the year. In this episode we discuss life as a comedian, how to stay true to yourself, how to pursue a creative endeavor, and what it takes to get up after failure. To connect with Ari Shaffir click HERE   To connect with Lauryn Bosstick click HERE To connect with Michael Bosstick click HERE Read More on The Skinny Confidential HERE To Watch the Show click HERE For Detailed Show Notes visit TSCPODCAST.COM To Call the Him & Her Hotline call: 1-833-SKINNYS (754-6697) This episode is brought to you by The Skinny Confidential Head to the HIM & HER Show ShopMy page HERE to find all of Michael and Lauryn’s favorite products mentioned on their latest episodes.   This episode is brought to you by AG1 If you want to take ownership of your health, it starts with AG1. Go to drinkAG1.com/SKINNY to get a free 1-year supply of Vitamin D3K2 AND 5 free AG1 Travel Packs with your first purchase.  This episode is brought to you by Eight Sleep Head to eightsleep.com/skinny and use code SKINNY to get $350 off Pod 4 Ultra. They currently ship to the US, Canada, UK, Europe and Australia   This episode is brought to you by ResortPass   Visit Resortpass.com/skinny to get $20 off your first ResortPass experience.   This episode is brought to you by Dipsea   A modern approach to romance through high-quality and captivating audio fiction. Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/skinny.   This episode is brought to you by Cotton: The Fabric of our Lives   Cotton is The Fabric of Now. Learn more at TheFabricOfOurLives.com   Produced by Dear Media

The following podcast is a Dear Media production. She's a lifestyle blogger extraordinaire. Fantastic. And he's a serial entrepreneur. A very smart cookie. And now Lauren Everts and Michael Bostic are bringing you along for the ride. Get ready for some major realness. Welcome to The Skinny Confidential, him and her.

Remember Michael Richards? But he came to the comedy store before all that stuff happened. And it was like, oh shit, it's fucking Kramer. But then he hadn't been on stage in like five years. So we're like, oh my God. And then it's like, you know, you can't be good if you haven't been on stage for five years. So then like he goes on and it's like, oh right. You're not, not an everyday comic. And we're all just like, anyway, let's get back to our conversations. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the Skinny Confidential, him and her show. Today, we're sitting down with Ari Shafir. He is a comedian, actor, podcaster, writer, and producer who is best known for his standup comedy and his most recent special Jew,

which has garnered almost 6 million views and was written up in the New York Times as one of the best comedy specials of the year. This episode is a comedy-focused episode, something to take you out of your week, help you relax, help you laugh a little bit, not take everything so seriously. We had a ton of fun with Ari. With that, Ari, welcome to Skinny Confidential, him and her show. This is the Skinny Confidential, him and her. Who's the most funny? Comic to hang out with?

Yeah. It's the low-level comics, the drunks. They're the most fun. Huh. Because nobody knows them, so they can get real loose-lipped. So when you get too big, is it hard? Yeah, then people are looking at you. Call him Tyrell.

This comic, we call him Collie Cocktails when he gets, like, Irish'd up. And yeah, he'll get to where, like, dude, she's got to lower your voice. You're going to get us thrown out of here. Have always been funny like when you were little yeah i guess so always yeah yeah class clown stuff always it's like is that like how you got attention when you were little i there was a there okay so the the laws in maryland i grew up or you can't try a child as an adult and there was a multiple I guess you'd call it murder but I saw therapy after that and so it wasn't always but after these three or four kids died I think the fourth died too then it became like then I got my sense of humor as a

self-defense mechanism but that was like 12 or 13 wait wait are you being serious there were murders in your town me but it was like an old me I saw therapy for this god no i'm not being serious wait wait this isn't on my notes okay someone didn't do their research are your parents funny um no really horribly unfunny my brother is that's about it do they think you're funny yeah they do they don't get it though they're just, it's nice and people are laughing at them. So what was your childhood like? I just had a fun time. I don't know.

Parents stuck together. Most comics are like pretty, pretty fucked up. Childhood was. Yeah, everything was pretty nice. What about you guys? Honestly, pretty nice. Yeah. Yeah.

It's almost like embarrassing, right? Yeah, it's so weird. Like your parents are still together. I wish I had a better story. I think my parents just celebrated their 40th anniversary happy anniversary mom and dad happy anniversary mom and dad like you wish you had more trauma to like yeah to draw from it would be really nice you got a couple beatings or something a horse that got too like you know loose in the household something you know just some color to the child something yeah exactly

so you don't have yeah if my dad was in the Klan, it would have been fucking awesome. I thought I'd cut them out. But really, no. Just a really normal childhood. Yeah. So at what point do you decide? They paid for college. When do you decide you want to make a career out of this?

After college, the jobs seem really bleak. Sitting under, well, yeah, different lights than this. Like DMV lights. Yeah, DMV lights. And when you're going. It seems so horrific. It is. under uh well yeah different lights in this you know what you know like dmv lights yeah dmv lights and and when you're going it seems so horrific it is just sit there just uh yeah i go visit my friends my friends work uh had a conference at price waterhouse cooper's library whatever okay i don't know and she was like come upstairs we got free lunch and i'm in there i'm just like start hyperventilating i was like i gotta get the fuck out of here these are all like normcore people is it weird like i always think about what i wish that i was funny i would like i look at people like you and i'm like oh you can just go up there and make

all these people but then i but i also feel like it must be so rad to have the group of guys where you can just like laugh and say whatever the fuck you want whenever you want and nobody's overly sensitive and it's just i have barbecues and i have it's a comics only barbecue and people like well bring my wife you're like no you can't what if the wife's funny only if she's a comic she has to be a comic to be because we have to be able to say we want to say some stuff that we can only say yeah maybe no maybe it's only the no no it's really only comics i've gotten to fight to my friends like no you know my wife. I'm like, it doesn't matter.

We got to be able to like really scream about the Holocaust. Can Whitney come? And have fun. Whitney can come, for sure. Whitney can come. Yeah. So it has to be a real... But she can't bring her dumb kid.

No. Yeah. She's got to leave that thing at home. Yeah. So what's the barbecue like? Barbecues are great. But then it's like, I used to have a backyard where we had neighbors and they would get like pretty pissed.

We just talk about dark stuff. Like it's like we used to i used to have a backyard where we had neighbors and they would get like pretty pissed we just talk about dark stuff like it's just like laughing dark yeah laughing dark stuff but real dark so people are hearing a passing by and they're like you guys can't be saying this out loud like if someone recorded it like would you get canceled yes every one of us for sure yeah i think when the audience is like start a series of what barbecues yeah it would not be natural. But I feel like comedy's back now. Comedy's so back. People are now like,

we had a moment there. We were talking about the, the moment was maybe like right at the peak was the Will Smith slap moment. Yeah. And then I think after that, people were like, okay, it needs to come back

because it got too serious. It got so serious. It's so much money's in comedy now. So everyone got like real, real. And then now it's like backwards. People are like, oh, we know. Gen Z is like crushing it. They're like pushing away millennials.

What would their anger? What would our audience be surprised to know about the behind the scenes at these comedy clubs like that? We don't know. It's so boring. No. Yeah. Nothing's happening. Every lady I've ever dated was like feels left out.

And then you're like, fine, come. And then she's like, all you do is talk shit about your comic friends. And you're like, yeah, I know, that's what we do all the time. We just talk shit. We just talk shit. And we get super worked up about stuff that doesn't matter.

Like what? Like super major fights about if the L or if the F is a better way to get to a certain stop. Or like which bars are better. Or like, yeah, what's a better breakfast food? But like angry fights. Is there drugs and alcohol? Oh, yeah.

Okay, but I always think about this like way more than I'd like to admit. Yeah. If I'm a comic and I have to go on stage, I would have one drink. I feel like if I have more, I couldn't be funny. Okay, let me ask you a question slash challenge. Have you ever done this show just completely fucked up this show yeah yeah there there's there's a couple there's a there's a few that we've been fucked really not fucked up we're talking to i kind of feel like

i would have got more fucked up for you like i feel like we would have had like i should have had like something here like drink for go out for drinks for like three hours and be like oh fuck it your home's like let's stop by the studio first. We've done that a couple times. Yeah. I mean, listen, it depends who you're talking to. If you're having somebody that is a child psychologist on. A Burt gave me that thing.

Zinn? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That'll make you throw up. That was the first time. Really? Did you like it? It's trash for trash people. Oh, Burt.

Yeah. It's trash. Yeah, of course that's why you liked it. Speak up from the garbage dump in the back. Wait, so I don't understand, though, how you can get fucked up and go out on stage and really perform. Oh, we fail a lot. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, we get too fucked up. It's bad. I think you're thinking about when you see the special that you see on somewhere, you're not thinking about like the normal like yeah day-to-day it's 15 minute spots you're not really even on the lineup you're not really marketed much so they're not coming to see you they're just coming out for a night out and then you go up and you're like follow some killer young young comic and then you're like oh i just failed but it's like who cares you don't care yeah but when you charge your money for your own tickets on the road or something then it's like no don't get too fucked up what do you do if you have a

really funny joke and it doesn't land do you get embarrassed or do you not yeah no it never got easier yeah it fucking sucks it's wild when you think about it for a professional comic it should never happen that every one of the audience is there to laugh so much of the paid money to come and laugh they're in the mood to laugh and then you have some so anybody could just say a joke they'd be like oh sweet i'm in the mood to laugh obviously i'm the right audience for this and then it's not just anybody it's a professional comic and it's a professional comic who prepared something so it's the perfect storm of course it's going to be a laugh every time and then you say a punch line it's just silence and you stare at you like what

was that the joke it's crazy when a bomb happens It should never happen. It happens so much. What do you do now when it happens? Call attention to it. Damn you guys that was really bad. Just so you know, there was a joke there I guess none of you even recognized it. Does it still rattle you or no? No, not really. Yeah I mean how long has been now 20 something years. Yes. Okay, so nothing you can say at this point Nothing I've bombed in front of, like, chicks I wanted to fuck. Like, where it's like, this will seal the deal. And then it's sealed it the other way.

I don't know, though. If I'm in the audience and I want to fuck the comic, and he bombs, and he knows how to recover and has finesse about it, I'm kind of turned on. No, that's if he can recover. You get a pity fuck. Yeah. Yeah, no, no. You don't want to fuck a failure yeah lauren no okay you'll see a failure and go like

i want that no way but if he's you'll completely shut up you'll she'll shut you'll dry like a prune no i'm saying you'll seal back up you'll have no vagina that's what i'm saying for like a day or two and then you're like oh I gotta get that failure out of my head and then he'll just never take his phone calls again what if there's a girl that you wanted to

fuck in the audience what do you do like do you just say this is not gonna work I'm remembering a time no it's just like you just keep trying it's like it's just over

then you just see them they're just like oh they get so fucking dry you're just like it's done and you're like what were we supposed to hook up

we were gonna date this is just a sealed idea I didn't even do this do you're like, we were supposed to hook up. We were going to date. This is just a sealed deal. I didn't even do this. Do you have like a sick, like, kind of like, I love it when your comic friend is on stage and it happens to them? Yeah, for sure.

For sure. For sure. Because we've also all been through it so that it's also like, oh. You can hear the laugh. There's a special kind of laugh. It's like, da-da-da, set up, set up, punchline. And then there's a silence where it should be a laugh. The comic sees it. There is of laugh. It's like, set up, punchline. And then there's a silence where it

should be a laugh. The comic sees it. There is no laugh. And then two comics in the back just go, ha ha ha ha ha! Because it's that perfect storm. It's just two comics laughing so hard at how uncomfortable it is. Who's the biggest heckler out of all your friends? We don't heckle each other. You don't?

No, no, no. We let them fail on their own. That's like a no-no. Yeah Yeah, but another time what do you do when there's a heckler? I just I mean I just get hard and try to like hide It I don't know you just try to get them out of there. Sometimes you have fun with it What's the word do you depends who they are what kind of mood you're in and if you're trying to do anything It's so fun. You just like belittle them. It's fun. What's it? Do you remember when like a moment when you bombed and that one just stuck with you?

It's just like one you can never forget. Like the one time. Yeah, this one about this chick, Kim. I'm remembering now. Oh my God. This is a real thing that happened. Yeah, she's married with kids now. It was around here.

It was near this neighborhood. You turned her off so bad. She ran and found someone to get married and have kids with. Was her last name Kardashian? It was Kim Kardashian. Yeah. I was a rebounder between Pete and whatever she's at now.

She was going the comic route for a minute. She was? Yeah. She was going the lawyer route. She couldn't decide. Anything's possible. Can we say

what a great job Kanye did with her? I think what it is is like she had all the pieces but he came in and edited it and refined it.

But then I think to give her credit that then she took it and took it to the next level. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. But he saw potential. Did you ever see, um, it was, uh, who's the guy from the Neptunes, the producer from the band, the Neptunes.

Taylor, look it up. Pharrell. Yeah. And he's listening to Maggie Rogers or some, whatever. And she's starting to sing. It's like an audition for something. And he's listening. He's like, all right, this isn't bad.

And then it hits him like 30 seconds in. He's like, oh, she's as good as me. And then he's just like, keep playing this song. Let me just enjoy this song. You know? But he was like, and then she excelled on her own. But she was like a nobody. So it's like giving Kanye.

That's Kanye and Kim. She had a chance, but she was trash. And he was like, there's gold under there. Michael is kind of someone who Kanye's me. Are you calling yourself trash? No, I'm being honest. I'm being self-aware. Who's Kanye's what? Michael Kanye's me. He

got you on trashy? He got you class? Trashy is not the right word. I just think he refined my style to be the way. What'd you get? What'd you way. What'd you get? What'd you do? What'd you see?

There was a lot of sweatpants there for a minute. Yeah, a lot of sweatpants. Yeah, it was a little bit, we went through a sweatpants phase. We went through a sweatpants phase. That was okay for three weeks in COVID and then it's like, get yourself together. It was like three years. Oh, wow.

It was like a, yeah, it was, and it was a double, it was like a full, it was like a big loose sweat top, low sweat bottom. What is that? I don't know. Bad Bunny could pull it off and that's it. Yeah, yeah.

I think I had just like a moment too long of that. And he came in. I think a lot of people are still in it. And he edited it out. It's like not trying is the style. And people are eventually like, guys, guys. But sometimes I look at some of these people. I'm like, well, maybe you should try.

You should try. Yeah, you should try. You Kanye-ed her. That's crazy. Yeah, Michael's very particular with his taste. He's a fourth Japanese. He's very like organized and meticulous. He's a fourth Japanese. Nice. Who was the third? It's crazy. Yeah, Michael's very particular with his taste. He's a fourth Japanese. He's very organized and meticulous. He's a fourth Japanese.

Nice. Who was the third and second? Yeah, I was the fourth one. He came in and edited everything. That's great. Yeah. You're the producer. I'm particular.

He's particular. Yeah. I would have loved to have seen the before you. There she is. Oh, that is different. It's different. It's a different look. It's like blonde, huge fake tits.

Really? Yeah, really big ones. We'll send you some shots later. I'll send you a mirror selfie of me before. I'm trying to look at it now. Yeah, that is a different person. It's a different thing. I'm trying to imagine where I'd meet each of these two people.

It's totally different, right? Different establishments you'd be in. It's like one's kind of like, maybe I'm like at a horror. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? And now it's a little bit more elevated. This is classy.

You meet that girl, and they're like, where are we going now? Like, we're not going out. One of the weirdest interviews we've ever done is we flew to the Bunny Ranch, you know, the one out there in Reno. And we did, we interviewed some of the girls out there.

Okay. And like that version was there. Yeah. That version was there was there and I was like should I stay here and work there at the let me tell you something that place on a Wednesday in the middle of the day it's not the daytime strip club vibes are like oh the c squad that's so mean well because people are like waking up from like, you know, the night before. It's like 1140 a.m.

in the morning. We're there with like our recording equipment. Like, hey, we're here for the interview. It's not like, I bet it's not the same as like pulling in

at like 1030 p.m. at night on a Saturday. It's like if it was The Tonight Show, they'd be like, bring out the best. When you, when all this- Nothing's worse

than going to the strip club and going like, this is it? Or one of those like massage parlors like come on the massage parlors though are different because i feel like it's it's like you don't really care who it is my friend just called it's funny to hear him like he was like in the next few days he's going you could tell and he's like he would call and go hey how many girls you have working today he knows the questions okay and then he called a gay one by accident and they go, this is not the spot

you're looking for. Call another one. He was like, oh, okay. You know what the move is? What? It's to go into like a foot spa

because you know who came on here? Laura Clary. She's a comedian, I think. And she said that she went to like a massage parlor

and the girl who was massaging her gave her an orgasm. From the feet? No. From, she was rubbing her vagina. And then when the girl who was massaging her gave her an orgasm. From both feet? No. She was rubbing her vagina. And then when the girl looked away, she pushed her pussy down to where her foot was. Yeah.

She was like, just keep doing it. And then Laura went back the next day. To get another one. Yeah. Yeah. It became like a problem. Then she had to remedy it. Yeah.

He's like, what's the number? Here's, by the way, for the listeners at home, you want to know which ones do that? It's anyone with a lock on their door. No business locks their door. The neon sign with the heart with the hand and the rose. Yeah. And there's like bars on the door.

I've never heard of a woman going there. Good for Cleary. I go to a football all the time. I don't, I've never had a happy ending there. But you know, it's like a massage, right? It's like a massage. It is like a massage. Do your eyes close? Does it count? I don't know. Yeah. You just say you gotta rub the other toe, the camel toe.

Oh! Nice. Well written. Well written. When you... If it's old, if there's someone disgusting, it doesn't count even as cheating. If it's like, I wouldn't do this if I was single with this person, then it's like, just go for it. But you're still doing it, so it doesn't count. Right.

Okay. Taylor thinks so too. When cancel culture was going on and there's all this cancel culture, was it like playing laser tag as a comedian or did you not give a fuck? I didn't, but I actually liked pushing for it. What do you mean? I liked seeing how close to the line you can get and then going slightly over

and see how mad you can get people get while other people are laughing. It's fun. Like what's going over the line during cancel culture? Anything that people are like, this is wrong. It's just like sick. Nice.

Do people in the audience? If I have 300 people in an audience, two have to walk out angry. If you're going right. Who walks out angry? What do they look like? Dorks. They look a lot like you.

Really? Yes. It's women. It's almost always drunk white women. Almost always drunk white women. Do they get dragged there by their boyfriend and then they're like, what is this? A little bit, yeah. Or they've also never been not the center of attention and they, most are cool.

First of all, I'm just saying, it's most of them are still cool. It's the ones that aren't. Or like, I don't like not being the center of attention and they most are cool first of all i'm just saying it's most of them are still cool it's the ones that aren't or like i don't like not being the center of attention fuck this i want my attention back and they just can't and they'll say something like i don't agree with this like yeah i know i'm saying the opposite of how i feel it's hard not to be the center of attention and then they're a little bit drunk they haven't seen one drink and two drinks for these chicks it's fucking wild for men it's seven. You know, it's where we start to get, oh, shit. Women, it's like, I've had one.

I feel good. Here, a sip of another one. It's like, fuck everything. Like, that line is so thin. And then they're like, no, fuck this guy. I think I should be invited to one of your sets. To see if you can keep your mouth shut the whole time? I won't.

I'll keep my mouth shut. Okay. I want to be in on the barbecue. Okay. I feel like I can hang. Yeah. It is fun when it happens. Everybody else in the audience is like, this is fun.

They are a dork. But some walk out angry. Yeah. And you just say, fuck it. You don't care. Well, what are you supposed to do? I don't know. It's like, I saw one time at the converse where this lady was like, it's like such a

variety of comics. Sometimes really nice people. I'm just a little darker. So I'll say things and be like, I don't, I don't comics. Sometimes really nice people. I'm just a little darker. So I'll say things to people like, I don't, I don't care for this. And they shouldn't have seen me. And this lady's just like, like this the whole time. At the end of my set, I was like, hey, that's it for me.

Everyone clapped. And it was like, can I just say, this lady, you hated me, right? She goes, yeah, I fucking hated you. And I was like, but you kept your mouth shut the whole time. And I saw it and I got to commend you on that. And I was like, everyone, give it up for this dumb fucking lady. And then she was like, all right, all right. And she was like, she did it right. She just stayed mad and quietly.

But they want the acknowledgement, it sounds like, because it reminds me of a troll on Instagram. What I've realized is that all the troll wants is attention and acknowledgement. They feed, their oxygen for their fire is just some attention. So when you give them attention, they actually end up apologizing and coming back around. Yeah, they're fans. So they'll be like, they'll be like, ew, you look so ugly here.

And I'll write back something just super neutral. And then they'll write back, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I love you so much. And you're like, what's happening? They just want acknowledgement.

You know what you should say too? What's fun sometimes is to go, is when someone's like, you fucking suck. This show sucks now. Whatever they say, just go like, oh my God, god you're obsessed with me and then they can't really say anything else because they are i mean we do this a long time and it's always funny i love this show but now this i'm like what are you doing on fucking what do you do apple review podcast on a tuesday get the fuck out of there what a dork like what do you do when you get

comments on your instagram that you don't like you just don't care it's fine it doesn't matter it doesn't bother you no it's funny it's funny that's what half of them are trolls and i also am a troll i love trolling oh you do so it's just like you'll go to a website of something you've never heard of and you're like let me just get in there start some shit like it'll just be a random like you know on the side of your youtube it'll suggest stuff i'm like i don't know what that is and you go in there and like just pick a fight with someone in the comments and be like this show sucks now something like that or like you don't know shit just disagree with them on some fact and like you're an idiot i'm like i'm an executive chef and i've told you before a fact this and yeah yeah it's fun to start an argument

then just leave so may burt came on the show and said he has tons of trolls and he used to read it so maybe half of those accounts were you i don't what a reveal that would be dude i was drunk once and i was stenciling uh around new york we were just like graffiting and uh and then i came across like some late some sort of hated lady in comedies like um kind of broadway show and we're like oh we gotta stencil this and so yeah just like graffitied over it but But it was like, if I get caught here, I'm going to be in more trouble than if I just get caught normal. So I didn't. So I was fine. You kind of trolled through graffiti.

Yeah, it would have been great to get Bert off Instagram by himself. He's great on Instagram. Yeah, I mean off reading the comments. The one where he went into surgery to pitch his tickets. Did you see that? No. He's going's going into all he does is fucking promote this idiot you try to have a quiet moment with him and he's like let's film it well him and i sunned our buttholes together kind of what do you mean so when you sun your butthole wait back up oh son son son what do you mean you do it together he sent us a picture of his wide asshole,

like just legs up in our group thread, like the moment, the day we met him. Yeah. So you like sun your asshole and then you're like saying like, you ever know about Fievel? Fievel Goes West? Yeah, I love that movie.

He's like somewhere, they're both wishing on the same moon and you're singing that song to the sun that's sunning your assholes. Fievel Goes West is a great reference. Many listeners won't have any fucking idea what we're talking about with that reference sunning your butthole is really good for stay with me you're trying to get to know who you are your butthole doesn't get any sun that's true okay so if you sun your butthole and the thing what's the gooch area

yeah it's burn instantly though sorry go ahead no it's not it's really energizing no no but it's gotten no sun yeah you can't just suddenly like anne frank that when she left that day she was like i'm gonna burn you know she a little did she know you know what works it works no but you know what don't you have to start that with like a minute and then be like, okay, that's good for today. And then the next day, like two minutes. Work yourself up to it. Like you got to get a boss-based tan every year.

You can't just go straight to, I'm going outside with my shirt off. You have to have a big yard with a lot of land and privacy to be doing that. Yeah, that's true too. If you're in LA or New York and you're doing that, like you're going to jail. I don't, I-

Jerry Sandusky tried it and it didn't work. Yeah. He was right next to a school and he got in a lot of trouble. Misunderstood. He could have just said he was sunning his butthole. Could have just said that. Yeah, that's a good excuse.

Yeah, like if Bert's over there in the valley doing that in a neighborhood, he's done. Yeah. Also, he takes up the whole yard. So if he had a yard that was big enough, it wouldn't be. He was with his butthole spread, hands out, boots hanging. Is it hairy? I kind of want to see it. I kind of don't, but I want to see it.

It's like you can't look away. I just think if you're feeling tired, go outside and open them up. Let me see. What did he do? He had the decency to graffiti over it. Yeah, he shouldn't have blocked it out. Let me see this. I love whoever

his employee is that had to like There's a shadow right there. The guy who had to take the picture. It was like, why is this my job? You said fun content. You didn't say this. Okay, tell us who you think the funniest of your friends is out of all of them. Oh my God.

Who's the funniest? Yeah. Just around? I'm going to ask you for funniest and least. Who makes you laugh the most? You're not going to get that out of me. Who makes me laugh the funniest? Yeah. Just around? I'm going to ask you for funniest and least. Who makes you laugh the most? You're not going to get that out of me. Who makes me laugh the most? Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay.

On stage, it's Dave Attell. Everyone says that. What? Everyone says that. Because he's the best one. Okay. And then just like offstage, God, there's so many fucking fun people to have around.

Norman makes me laugh, and Shane, and Rogan, Tony. Yeah, we'll just like hang out. The hangout ones. The ones you can get drunk with. on people to have our own. Norman makes me laugh and Shane and Rogan, Tony. Yeah, we'll just like hang out. The hangout ones,

the ones you can get drunk with. List makes me laugh a lot. Who's not funny? You haven't mentioned some. Who's not funny? Yeah. Everybody's funny in comedy. Everyone? Yeah,

nobody's serious. We're all fucking, except for the bad ones who shouldn't be in in the first place. What if someone's not funny? Do they get iced out? Yeah.

Yeah, remember Michael Richards? So he came, what? You don't know Michael Richards?ard yes you do kramer from kramer okay okay yeah he came and good on him you know whatever but he came to the comedy store before all that stuff happened and it was like oh shit it's fucking kramer but then he hadn't been on stage in like five years so we're like oh my god and then it's like you know you can't be good if you haven't been on stage for five years so then like he goes on it's like, you know, you can't be good if you haven't been on stage for five years. So then like he goes on and it's like, oh right. You're not an everyday comic. And we're all just like, ugh, anyway,

let's get back to our conversations. We have no time for it. It's just like not funny. When you are performing, is it like a muscle? It sounds like you have to get on stage all the time. It was weird. After COVID, you see people coming back after like a few months off and they're like holding the mic. where do you even put this like hey like you didn't know how

to pause and stuff it was like a week to get back into it it was pretty pretty wild and you see like one at a time people came out of covid so you'd be like what's wrong with you like oh this is your first week back you've been in lockdown so you have to put yourself out there constantly to keep it going. Yeah, and it's fun. So you do it anyway. But yeah, yeah, yeah. You stay sharp. Did they shut down the comedy store the whole COVID?

I think so. I was in New York and we all moved to rooftops pretty fast. Because Austin stayed pretty wide open, yeah? Austin stayed wide open. You could do anything,

smoke weed publicly. I think so. I wasn't... wasn't yeah no i think everything's shut down i don't remember because we were talking before we came here like a lot of people out in austin right now and i feel like it was like when everyone shut down a lot of the comedians were part of that like because people could go there and have a good time well the cool thing was the young new york comics was like they took charge all like the younger comics was like we'll build a room because they had to go on stage every night like every night every night and they were like we can't not so they found rooftops they found backyards they found illegal shit and they just made it happen chapelle did a whole thing about

how he was saving comedy by building this outdoor place and everyone in york was like we've been doing that for like day two we shut down for one day and then we're like, let's go. Quick break to talk about AG1. AG1 is a foundational nutritional supplement that delivers daily nutrients and gut health support. It is backed by multiple research studies so you can trust what you're putting in your body. Lauren and I recently just went on a summer vacation, take a little bit of time off. And one of the things that we absolutely could not travel without is AG1. I trust AG1 because unlike many products, their entire formula is backed by research studies, not just the ingredients. There's over 14 years where AG1 has been focused on innovation with a trusted nutrient

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that's $350 off the Pod 4 Ultra at 8sleep.com slash skinny and then use code skinny. I am all about breathable, natural, long-lasting cotton. So we're teaming up with cotton, the fabric of our lives. I am really trying to be so intentional and mindful about what I'm wearing when I'm home, relaxing with my kids, being present. So when cotton reached out, I was so excited. I'm sure all you guys know that going natural with cotton is the move. Cotton comes from the earth, unlike synthetic and man-made fibers. I am trying to be more mindful and present in every area of my life. I want to

stay grounded, especially when I'm home. You guys all know cotton. Who doesn't like cotton? It's breathable, natural, long-lasting cotton. It's amazing. And cotton is natural. Cotton comes from the earth. So there's a lot of synthetic and man-made fibers out there in our clothes. I actually just learned, and I had no idea about this, that polyester is made from crude oil. That is the same oil that's used to make fuel for cars, which is wild. I also didn't know that every time we wash synthetic fabrics like polyester clothing, we're contributing to microplastics in our waterways. Cotton has really taught me a lot about synthetic fabrics, and I'm trying to learn more and more. I'm trying to even carry like cotton totes to the farmer's

market. I don't want to use a lot of plastic bags. I'm just doing anything that I can do and basically my part. So remember to check the label for cotton and take a deep breath and focus on the present. Cotton is the fabric of now. Learn more at thefabricofourlives.com. There's never going to be a time I won't say yes to that. But you can't say that. You can't say a funny story. It's a funny story. She comes to me. She's like, hey. Yeah. She goes, for your birthday, I got you tickets.

We're going to go see a comedy show. I was like, oh, fuck yeah. It was kind of mid-COVID time, but it was in Vegas. What a girl. And she's like, yeah. It's like an intimate room with Chappelle and Rogan. And I was like, what? What?

I was like, whoa. I'm like, that's pretty fucking sick, right? Yeah. She's like, yeah, we're going to go. And it's like a small group of people. And we're going to watch them. I'm like, dude, was like whoa I'm like that's pretty fucking sick right yeah she's like yeah we're gonna go and it's like it's like a very it's like a small group of people and we're gonna watch them I'm like dude this is sick right yeah she takes me to the fucking MGM arena and I'm in the nosebleeds like we're the nosebleeds yeah and he got COVID worth it worth it it was worth it even in those days when it was like it might be death and Segura opened for him as a surprise and it was a those days When it was like It might be death And Segura opened for him As a surprise

And it was a great show But I was like I'm like Lauren The idea of like An intimate Like I'm in a room I was picturing Like a smoky comedy room

Dude it's so funny Coming out of that thing And you see people like Uh wait I need a minute I need a minute To like reacclimate To like people And by the way

I walked into that arena And I was like At this Rogan Chappelle show We are for sure Getting covered Wait Ari Can I tell you What I thought in my head

It was gonna be Because I have a big imagination I thought in my head it was going to be? Because I have a big imagination. I thought that the room would be about this big. I thought Rogan would be sitting over there passing me a blunt, and we would be smoking it together, drinking some beers together. And you show up, who the fuck are all these other VIPs? There's 20,000 of them. No, I told her, we're in the MGM.

The way I imagined it, it's like the filter on Instagram. If you're on Tinder, you see a filter and then you see it in person. It was just like completely different. But here's the thing, it was an amazing show,

but I would prefer to see comedy in a smaller... A million percent. You wouldn't? Yeah, 120 seater. It would be so fucking cool. I'm up there and the beer cart person's

walking around, you know? Yeah, it's so removed. I've seen a few shows like that. It would be so fucking cool. I'm up there and the beer cart person's like walking around, you know? Yeah. It's so removed. I've seen a few shows like that. It's like, it's not my thing. What do you think about them having you put your phone in a bag? That's intriguing to me. Yeah.

I think what they should do one day, hopefully they'll do this. So you put your phone in your bag and then like break your phone. They just break everyone's phone. Why? Just so everyone has to be off their phone for the whole fucking day. your phone in your bag and then like break your phone they just break everyone's phone why just so everyone has to be off their phone for the whole fucking day because you guys don't like when you're on stage and people on the phone not just that yeah yeah it's like you missed forget the like filming you i'm gonna put this out i told you we say dark shit so at clubs it's like hey we can get away with everyone's kind of signed up for it yeah you know except for that lady that

lady's not signed up for it but she wanted that lady's kind of fun she's in the back you guys are inviting me in the back you never know it was pretty fun yeah come on you're still fun but i'm still fine it's a different kind of fun yeah but the attention span fucking sucks where it's like what's this supposed to mean like it's i had a setup you missed what i'm talking about you know what's fun i'll do this in an audience i see somebody just on their phone and then i'll like keep talking i'll take a napkin i'll wad it up and then as they're just like they're lost and i'll just like hit them with it and they're like what the fuck i'm like what was i talking about and what do they do uh nothing i don't know they get either embarrassed i'm like sorry or they're like fuck you you hit me it's funny but i'm like this you're not gonna do anything more exciting than this this week

do people get blacked out drunk oh yeah like blacked out yeah so right sometimes hecklers are fun because they're like they mean well they're just like lit up yeah that that those are fun and everyone's having a good time with them what do you yeah you gotta see a show at like the store yeah i like to go in the belly room like i remember we the last time before everything went crazy um here and everything shut down before we moved like we saw Theo down at the, what's the one right over there? The Laugh Factory?

Laugh Factory store. It was one of them. But it was a small, small group. And like he's done so well since he's really crushed it. This is like before he blew up. This was before.

And it was so fucking funny but there was nobody, there was like 25 people in the room. And I like that because then you can like, you have the energies right there. Late night vibe too.

It's all kind of split up and the room's kind of bombed out. Everyone's kind of tight. Yeah. You can really, it's like, it's very conversational. Yeah. Those big arenas is like, it's, they're fun, but you're putting on a show. I prefer like. What's your pre-show ritual?

Don't lie. None of us have these rituals. Come on. You don't have any routine? That's movie shit. What are you talking about? Like you don't have like a, like, like you shake it out. Like you drink a beer. Bert came on here and said his travel ritual

is he goes in the shower and lathers his whole body up completely. A whole thing. Before our trip. No, here's Bert's travel ritual because I've been on the road with him. Parties and says, come on, you guys got to keep up

for three straight days. And then he sleeps for 27 hours and takes 800 different pills to fucking calm himself down. And then he repeats that. It's on a four-day cycle. You have no ritual that you do. Ritual?

No, sometimes we're just in the middle of a conversation and then it's like, we're trying to finish it as they're bringing you up. You're like, yeah, yeah, wait. Okay, shit. And then I gotta go.

Nothing after. No. No, it's not like that. That's movie shit. It's not. There's no. Nah. Well, some people will say we do. No, we don't have anything. It's not that. It's so casual. It's not. There's no. Nah. Well, some people will say we do.

No, we don't have anything. It's not that. It's so casual. There's no lucky shirt. Do you have one? Yeah, I have a full morning. Shut up. No fucking way.

I have a four-hour morning routine. He loves being married to me. I have a four-hour morning routine. I have a hundred rituals. What are you getting? The paint and makeup? No. Hair and paint?

No, no, no, no. What do you do? I don't know. Like meditation, no, no, no. What do you do? I don't know. Like meditation, sunlight, hydration, electrolytes. You're such an LA chick. Coffee after 90 minutes. I've heard that. It's so good for you.

Yeah. You got to have the electrolytes first. You're right. She is the chick in the audience. Can I tell you something? Bert is really into wellness because he told me. He is a pig. Michael, tell him.

What wellness? What are you talking about? Michael. Who looks like that who's into wellness? That's a dying man. He is really into wellness. He told me his favorite podcast to listen to is the solo episodes where I talk about wellness. He told me he scrapes his tongue because of me.

There's no way. He scrapes his tongue when he's trying to vomit out the too much booze he's had. How did he know? Why'd you throw up last night? Booze. Booze too much. I'm getting rid of it. Jameson and rocks.

I'm stuck with one though. I was smart enough to stick with one. And you threw up after one? No No Okay explain that I mean I didn't swap drinks I stayed with Jameson Was this a like

Hey I just gotta like You just barf on purpose Oh I love it I'm feeling weird I was like Excuse me guys Just one second But you get that

Finger way down I can't do that Scrape the tongue No I get what you're saying Scrape the tongue Scrape the tongue What were you doing last night? At the comedy store.

Okay. Yeah. Do you have to scrape your tongue after you throw up? Were you on stage last night? Yeah. Okay. And then we got turned up.

And then you just got after it. Yeah. Till what time? I slept on the bathroom fucking floor. I woke up on the bathroom floor this morning. And look, you know what? There's a pro right here. I'm a goddamn success.

He's my spirit animal. I wake up on tile. I'm like, what? That's like exactly. Pro, you do it too. No, it is a pro move but i was you know taylor um back there he said he did this event in austin yeah and he's our producer i need to get a hold of him and his phone's not working he goes yeah like i don't know my my phone's over there in a bag because like austin has a lot of moisture no i'm like i'm like you know people's phones survive i think he threw up and put it in

the toilet i think that's what it is taylor what's the real story? There's moisture in Austin. It's a humid area. I said I have my phone in Austin all day. There's no moisture. It was literally raining. It was like Shawshank Redemption. Raining?

It's in your pocket. I think you hooked up with a girl. No, he threw up and dropped it in the toilet. I fucking know it. Taylor passed out in Las Vegas

on the streets of Las Vegas and woke up in an encampment. Homeless encampment. What do you mean? I got date raped. What a sleep you'll get woke up in an encampment. Homeless encampment. What do you mean? What? I got date raped. What a sleep you'll get

waking up in a fucking tent. He was laying there and the blazing sun was coming down and the shadow that was hitting the light pole, he was so fucked up, he just would roll with the shadow as the sun moved in the sky. We've all been to music festivals.

That's what you gotta do. It's like the sun's like, you're getting up now, like, give me two more minutes. It's so hot in here. Taylor, I feel like you laid there and like hung out and like scrolled your phone and like just what do you mean you put your phone in a plastic bag of course in rice no he said he said it's not working because of the moisture the humidity in austin i was happy with myself

today i had like a toque or whatever like a beanie and i saw it like wait how did it get so far out of the bathroom and i think in my i like managed like you're gonna barf on this and like throw it behind me so you took the beanie off so you didn't barf on the beanie yeah yeah I could also have seen myself reaching forward to what so I was like it was like a throw pass do you do any wellness things well I'm not sure exactly what that word means uh what do you what's what is wellness? I feel like there's got to be some- What is this whole industry? Yeah, what's wellness? There's got to be some healthy things that you do.

I'll have a salad once in a while. Okay. Yeah. See, there's something in there. I go on hikes. You go on hikes? Yeah. Do you work out?

Do you lift? No. But you go on hikes? Yeah, I go on hikes. So you're just naturally fit? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm not a fucking fat piece of shit. When you start getting fat, just eat a goddamn salad.

Hey, everybody, if we're looking for a change, a salad would go a long way. Oh, it's too hard for me. Have you tried one salad ever? God damn, make a fucking bit of effort. That's your wellness tip for today. TikTok's going to love your wellness tip. Jen's going to love it. I get it, but fucking try a little. What's your wellness tip for today. TikTok's going to love your wellness tip. Jen's going to love it.

I get it, but fucking try a little. What's your favorite podcast? There's a long line in between a fucking high-level influencer and a fat piece of shit. There's a lot of room in between. You don't have to get all the way there. Oh, salad. Yeah. Bert does have a lot of wellness tips.

I'm just saying. He really does. Here's Bert's wellness tips from eating with him. Order two full meals and then go, can I also have a side of fruit? Which I've seen him do at Expectations in Montreal. And then the fruit doesn't get touched. Just because you ordered it doesn't burn calories. What is it like to date you?

It's a lot, I guess. I guess it's a lot. Like, no, like what do your ex-girlfriends say? I think I'm a, I was always a pretty great boyfriend and a pretty shitty ex-boyfriend. Why? I used to get jealous a lot. Really? But no, I got better.

Jealous during the relationship? Afterwards. Oh, afterwards. Yeah, yeah. I'm just like, I'm not done playing with that. Like, it's still your toy. Yeah, it's still my toy. And just being a real shithead.

But you were good at boyfriend. But I got better, I got better, I got better. Yeah, yeah they they're all yeah they'd all speak highly of me why does it typically like not work out just you know time but i know i'm a good boyfriend i i like to fuck hard and eat dope meals you like to fuck hard and eat dope meals so your type is someone who wouldn't want to like that's pretty fun that's fun. You'd like a salad and you want to fuck hard. Well, that's lunchtime shit. But you're saying that they get a great dinner, a good hard fuck. Yeah.

Yeah. Like what's not to like? Yeah. But I always think about this. Good conversation. I asked Bert this too. How do you guys not cheat when you're on the road? Like, I feel like you guys are surrounded by beautiful women.

Well, what Bert does is a bunch of gay shit with his openers. That's how he manages to not cheat. What is this? A bunch of gay shit with his openers. That's how he manages to not cheat. A bunch of gay shit. I've heard the stories. Oh. Yeah. Okay. And it's out there.

So that's how he stays faithful. Pull that clip for Bert. Yeah. For other people, I'm not sure. Is it hard? Dude, I've been naked in the shower with Bert in a steam shower in Park City. Yeah.

You've been naked in the shower with Bert? Yeah, steam shower. I'm just remembering that now. The matchmaker before Patti Sanger, what was she saying? She could match me and Bird Up? What did she call it, Taylor? DL.

Do you know what DL is? It's like with your boys, you're just wrestling and all of a sudden your dick slips in their ass. What's DL? On the DL? She says guys don't think it's cheating when they're wrestling and all of a sudden the dick slips in the ass if they're married.

It's like those memes where it says your buddy sucked you off, but as long as you say no homo, it doesn't make it gay. I mean, you can define yourself however you want. So yeah, if you want to say it's not cheating, it's not cheating. I agree. Is it hard to be on the road, though, and have all these hot girls if you're in a relationship around? Yeah, for sure. Yeah. I mean, the amount of...

Bert's a good fucking husband. The chicks would be like, oh, goddamn, I want that in my life. I'm sure they're constantly going like, hey, you can have it. No, he said he's, you can have it. No, he said he's completely shut off to it. He said he doesn't... He is, as much of a drinker as he is, he's just like a wholesome kid. Yeah.

He's the guy at the frat. He's still in a frat, but he's like, guys, let's drink tonight. I got cornhole. You know? And you're like, all right. And everyone's like, let's go try to get laid. He's like, no, come on.

One more game of cornhole. Bear pong. And it it's like he's wholesome in a drunk way yeah that's really cute yeah yeah what's your favorite podcast to guest on uh i mean it's got to be this one now thanks yeah yeah um love being on legion of skanks they, they go hard. Okay. Yeah. They, they go fucking hard. Are you garbage is fun. Cause they ask you, have you been on, are you garbage? What's that? It's these two guys who are like real trash and they judge whether you are.

Oh, so they ask you questions. They, you, yeah, you should go on there. What's the criteria? So they'll ask you questions you've never thought of. So my first time was like have you ever microwaved eggs and it's like in college yeah and like write down like notes you're like no in college like this like and they have a lot of questions that get to the heart of it like an autism test and they'll be like they'll be like oh they asked me once like have you ever squeegee cleaned your car? I'm like, guys, I was a poor, it's been a decade or two, but yeah. And they're like, okay.

Yeah. And it really makes you mad. Are you garbage? Are you garbage? No. Were you garbage? First of all, the unverified results. It's just up to them.

Yes, I was. You were garbage. Yes. Okay. I want to go on that. You should. I have microwave things. Has anybody not been garbage that's been on the show? Segura, for some reason, was class.

Classy or trashy. I disagree with a lot of their... He lied. I don't know if he's being truthful. Well, yeah, I don't know. It's up to them. It's up to them. I've squeegees my car and I've...

It's a great way to get it clean. But I was young. So does that still count? They say you have that in you. So people become rich and it's like, well, they are these different people. But then it young. So does that still count? They say you had that in you. So people become rich and it's like, well, they are these different people. But then it's like, who are you really, though? I got to be honest, though.

Yeah. I would still microwave eggs. In a pinch? In a pinch. Yeah. I didn't even know you could do that. I would never microwave eggs or a squeegee microwave. That's a real garbage. We literally just talked about how you woke up on the streets with the sun under

you would for sure. You can't. You're done. He doesn't do anything. You woke up at a homeless encampment? He did. It was across the street from it. No, it wasn't. Don't lie. That is such. Across the street from a homeless encampment is still a homeless encampment. That's just adjacent. Don't lie about what happened. It was homeless adjacent.

Didn't you pee your pants? That's like saying I live in Beverly Hills when you live like just outside Beverly Hills. He does these things and then he doesn't tell the true story until like five story. You slowly. You uncover details.

Yeah. So fun to do that. And you're like, wait, I thought you said you got there on Tuesday, but you said now Monday. And you're like, fuck. Like he's been working

with us for a long time and we had this and he was telling me, he's like, yeah, like the last event we did, I was like, you know, so responsible. I was watching everyone went out to the bars in austin i was all good and then later another person that said yeah i shared a wall with taylor his whole night and

just heard him throwing up all night i love it i love it i love a good truth see you got me you can't rebuttal it back there yeah yeah the other day you told me this story about how he premature ejaculated. And when he did it, it shot up all over his chest into his mouth. It wasn't in my mouth. When you told the story the first time. Wait, what? Yeah, he has a form. Premature ejaculation

during sex it's like the summer before the act it just lost control he didn't know he didn't know what edging was yet wait wait

wait it was the summer of edging I know it's a lot so you were just making out like you got to the point of nudity and then just shot

a load up into the air you guys do like a sober October challenge sometimes he did the summer of edging summer of edging summer of edging. Summer of edging. Summer of edging. Four months of like

build up. Four months. Wow, I did a month once. Yeah, he had an encounter four months in and it was just four months. Yeah, but like at what point was it,

okay, if the clothes were on, you're not going to shoot in your face. It has to be in between. What were you doing? Just dry humping? Rubbing the outside? Yep, exactly.

Rubbing the outside. He was dry humping and he splooged all over his face and his mouth. What does the lady say at that point? She didn't know. I mean, she didn't know. She would know.

I'm sure she would at least go, how does it feel? No, because I just was like, I've got to use your restroom real quick. I've got to go to the bathroom. She didn't know. Or she does now. Some random guy in my bathroom

would come all over his... It's like enough is enough. She didn't know. And she does now. Some random guy in my bathroom would come all over his... It's like enough is enough. She didn't know. And then he came on the podcast and told the whole story and then went over to her house and left the editing file open and then she heard it

and lost her marbles on it because that's how she found out. What? Yes, that literally is true. That is what happened. She's probably going to hear it now. Oh my God. And he'd have to live through that trauma

once again. I'm sorry, whoever you are. So you were just edging the whole four months just getting close and then stopping like a fucking i didn't realize that you were supposed to do it and then it like eventually released before so i just kept taking i was like literally living life on the edge were you just blue balled all the time pretty much were you just like oh you sat down like good front hemorrhoids he has a little bit of a porn addiction problem yeah no he solved it i think no he didn't he i know he did not solve it he watches it about can i just say for a wellness podcast this is pretty fucking out there is that how this was sold to you yeah oh she said we're gonna go talk about your wellness i don't know actually i am curious how they did sell it to

you when they reached out. Yeah, tell us how they sold it. They were like, they got a cancellation. Would you be up for it? I'm like, yeah, what's their deal? She's like, your wellness lady. And like, I don't know. And I was like, okay.

And then I clicked once just to see, and I saw, you know, Gwyneth here. And you said yes. And I'm like, all right, well, I guess this is what they are. Let's have some fun. But there's a fun range. This was a different range than I was expecting. Well, I think that this is a bag of Chex you never know what you're gonna get podcast i wouldn't call it a wellness podcast i would say and listen loved speaking to gwyneth it would have been hard to

broach the edging conversation i don't know though she has the candle that actually smells like my vagina no you know what she was pretty cool i bet we could have got her there if we edged into it a little bit. I don't really know that she would want to know about Taylor's edging or how he pees when he's drunk or just like all of it. But you know, yeah, we like to consider ourselves a duo with range.

Is edging really just a new version of like pulling out before you come in one minute? Is that just edging where it's like, hold on, give it a sec? Wait, so you bait. Is that the new don't move, don't move, don't move? I picture it and I've never actually seen someone do it. Michael doesn't have this problem. I picture it like you're jacking off and right before you're about to come, you stop.

Exactly. You're supposed to have, so. But then you can't touch it for a minute. Exactly. Or breathe on it. You gotta reset. Or breathe on it or have any movement at all because you're that close. The sex party guy

was telling you about. What did he call it, Taylor? Dick control? Some kind of dick. I don't remember. He said Jamin promised that he could help Taylor

work through it. Do you want to go to one of Jamin's parties? One of the sex parties? For sure. For sure. You go in Germany to some places

and it's just fucking so cool. Tell us about it. Have you Germany to some places, and it's just fucking so cool. Tell us about it. Have you gone? Yeah. Well, it's just like, there's just like certain clubs. They're like, yeah, they're just nuts.

And I walked in there. I didn't know what to expect. I like, you know, Molly and dancing, white boy dancing, just jumping. And then like, you get in. My friend Tommy had to get in. He's like, you're just going to learn some German. Because they want a lot of Latin tourists, really.'s like, you're just going to learn some German. So because they want to let in tourists really.

So either wear all leather or just learn some German. So he told me like, Hey, where, what time is lunch tomorrow or something like that? And I said, I think 11 or 1130 Martha's meeting us. And then he said something back in German. And then we just said that when he got to the front and the guy's like, all right, you guys go ahead. So then we're like, Oh my God, so much sound. It's overwhelming.

And you're like, what the fuck? I saw people in like, in like ballererina outfits like had coming out into the lobby and you're like whoa they're like worn out from like 10 hours of going for it you can check your coat story is somebody checked their gimp there once and was like you got to stay there while i'm dancing and have a good time these places are fucking nuts first thing i see when i go in i'm like let's get a beer i got it's too much for me i'm an introvert it's too much so it's like blaring music like sound systems made for this place and i go in, I'm like, let's get a beer. I got, it's too much for me. I'm an introvert. It's too much. So it's like blaring music. It's like sound systems made for this place. And I go in there and I see it's a bar kind of like this long bar.

I'm at the edge and I see way down there, a guy with no shirt on just ordering like two beers like this. And just like, I was like, Oh, he's drunk, but he's like moving rhythmically. And I'm like, what's going on? And then I looked down and what was moving him was a man's fist just disappeared into his ass. Just gone. And just, and just push. So that's why he's like, like the movement. He's a hand puppet.

I did. Yes, he was a hand puppet. I'd like to think one of those two beers was for the puppet master. But I didn't stare how locked up. And the guy was, he was loving it. Both were having a great time. What else was going on at the party? Full, like, you would pass by.

But at a certain point, you'd pass by, and you'd, like, then I got desensitized. But you're, like, walking to another room, and you just see some girl, like, to a guy standing there. And you're just, like, at that point, you're just like, whatever, cool. I try to pretend that I would act cooler in one of those parties, but I feel like I'd be fully overwhelmed.

I think I'd be fine. It's overwhelming. You'd get fine. You'd be fine. I'd be fine. You just have to play it cool. It's hard. You're not used to seeing that,

so it's hard to be like, oh, don't be chill. What do you mean? You see porn. Yeah, it's not every day that you see some guy being worked like a puppet. Yeah. First of all, you do you mean? You see porn. Yeah, it's not every day, though, that you see some guy being worked like a puppet. Yeah.

First of all, you've never even seen that on porn. Resort Pass. There's one in Austin. They actually sent Michael and me and Zaza and Townes, and we had a blast. It was so cute. Basically, it was like a little oasis. Very family-oriented. They had awesome food. We got the burger and a fruit plate. We even got fake lemonades. I do this thing where I tell my kids

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I did not know what to expect. I thought it was just edm music i was not prepared so did you actually participate not in not in that um you wink twice if you participate were you the puppet master no comment you were the puppet master i mean yeah no i would have for sure there wasn't like a hot girl that you you tried to like get in the bathroom i didn't know all the rules exactly but yeah for sure that would have been great just a fuck in there i have a friend that went to similar kind of thing and did a huge orgy in front of

everyone in the party and it was the whole thing and there was like 20 girls around him there's dark rooms those are dark rooms and you can go into you can go there like briefly to do drugs and then go back out but it's really for like for the gays and the heteros too i guess too to like quickly let's fuck i imagine and i said this on damon's episode that it's like jumanji what do you mean like like it's such a terrible reference it's a robin williams show with children you remember jumanji yeah of course but what do you what way do you mean it's like animals are like like not what do you mean is jumanji what do you mean by the reference go watch jumanji and like the animals are super primal in it and it's like it's like a they're it's like a primal like

yeah yeah yeah it is what you like i'm a little self-conscious dancing you know so molly helps definitely some and ketamine whatever else they fucking give you some guys like you want drugs like yeah he's like here and i'm like what is it let's just take it but it's like so he's like okay i don't know if i could fully do and then you see some just fat dude wearing only socks and shoes and just fucking jumping and you're like oh this is great no one cares no one cares no one cares what you do no is it like eyes wide shut one of those sticks on eyes he It's like Eyes Wide Shut. He said it was interpreted from that. It's a classy affair you go. He said it's classy.

Well, he says he has these guys that go and they have to perform in front of everybody to get the party started. Wow. Imagine this as a man. There's 60 people watching you. It's going to be hard.

It's going to be difficult. Is it really that hard? You guys are kind of pussies about it. No way. It can't be that hard. No way. Really? It's all on you to get the party started and stay.

So much pressure. Really? It's hard in front of everybody. Oh my God. Forget it. And then you just, as soon as you think about it, you're fucking done. It's over. The guys are in the back just like injecting because they have to get there.

I actually have a hot tip. They're like the hair that starts the race with the dog. Everyone's watching. You're so self-conscious. Yeah, you got to start. But no one's watching. No one's looking at you. 60 people are watching.

No one's looking at your veiny penises.'m sorry to tell you guys i hate to break the news no one wants some this is where women are a little bit naive though because you guys are the receiving end you don't have to get it like you can just sit there you can do nothing if i was a guy and i was going to this party i would take a viagra yeah and jack off before it's not rocket science okay it's not rocket science you got you gotta get it started yeah still mentally it's too not too i have a hot tip i have a really good tip for guys okay it's not like a wedding speech where you can just like i prepared for this it's as it happens you can prepare yeah smoke a cigar smoke a cigar cigars make your testosterone go

crazy it feels like a pogo stick. You have to smoke a cigar. You thought you were coming for wellness? This is a lot of stick. Smoke a cigar. All right, this is a lot. Invite me to the barbecue. Am I invited yet? Do you know what's so wild about you?

You say this with the most authority as if you have a dick. Tobacco makes you not get hard. No, I know my husband, when he smokes a cigar, there's nothing like it. It's a different situation. He gets harder after cigars? It's wild. Well, because I get a it. It's a different situation. He gets harder after cigars?

It's wild. Well, because I get a moment. It's most likely because I get a moment to myself without having to yap in my ear. This is so nice. Like, babe, it's an hour at least. Why do your cigars keep getting longer?

I'm like, I know, right? Nothing you can do. It's the industry. My cigars are hanging at a fucking table at this point. You're holding them like a peace pipe. You're like, I got to get through this. Sorry.

Please shut up. A cigar, though, does make it feel different. I'm telling you, I've done my research on this. You have not done any fucking research.

After he has a cigar. So you have the cigar and then you go straight and you have sex and there's something in it that has testosterone, which is why Sly and Arnold, this is my theory.

They use testosterone. It's a crazy theory. Thank you. I do think actually though That cigars have the potential To boost your testosterone a bit But mostly because I think You can just like Tap into being

You know A man Yeah It's like so cool Smoking a cigar You like cigars? You guys like cigars? Yeah

Oh yeah Great Don't you think he stinks After a cigar though? I don't care I like the smell It's kind of hot Oh yeah

I agree I'm not a cigarette girl Passing by someone Smoking a cigar one. I don't care. I like the smell. I'm nice. It's kind of hot. Oh yeah. I agree. I'm not a cigarette girl. Passing by someone smoking a cigar even if you don't smoke is like it's a nice rich smell. It feels like manly.

Bert gave me some nice cigars. He always has good cigars. Bert has good cigars. Bert always has nice cigars. It's manly. It's manly. Yeah. What's not manly though

is a cigarette. Bombing on stage is not manly. A cigarette under your fingernail and someone trying to finger bang a girl. No thanks. Or the vape pens. The vape pens I don't understand no thanks no thanks yeah when i first started dating him he

smoked cigarettes and i was like listen you're gonna stop smoking cigarettes or you're not gonna finger bang me oh yeah hey one time i finger banged this chick and we had sex too but she got like a bad reaction she was like something's wrong it's like hurting and i was like killed it she's like no no something's wrong and then she was like i's wrong it's like hurting and i was like killed it she's like no no something's wrong and then she was like i'm i'm bleeding like something's wrong and i was like oh and we're like what disease do i have that i didn't know about she went to the doctor and they're like no it's toxic i was like what were you doing which and we're like came straight from the subway i was holding on the subway did you have a tampon that was no i figured blast after touching the fucking disgusting subway.

And it just, her pussy was like, no, so many germs. Oh my god, if you go on the subway and you try to finger aim me. That's worse than cigarettes. Now I wash my hands when I come home. That's Ari's wellness advice. You don't go on the subway. Thanks for that wellness.

You gotta have nice tips. You gotta tell the jalapeno popper story. Wash your hands before you have nice tips. You got to tell the jalapeno poppers. Wash your hands before you finger bang it. You guys fucked with a jalapeno popper? No, my buddy made a bunch of jalapeno poppers. You know where this is going. Yeah. It did not end well.

And he ended up, they both ended up going to the hospital. Damn. The whole deal. You can't finger bang after making jalapeno poppers. You can't even piss. If I've had that,

I'll just unzip and shake it out of there and then piss like this and kind of shake it back in. Why you can't touch a jalapeno your dick is not ready for it your fingers are ready for it your mouth is ready for it your eyes is not your dick so that's what i mean you gotta like move up when you're stunning your your asshole you know what though what was this guy was wild i mean like jalapeno poppers as like a pre-sex meal is a that's a strange how did that night go it's a strange move nothing turns me on like fridays who the fuck is making jalapeno poppers making their own jalapeno poppers that's a bar food only taylor you've done so much worse so for you to sit back there and judge like that and act like you're holier than now is hysterical

i am not garbage. Remember, you guys all have the other thing in that YouTube video. I'm telling you, I don't. Actually, I do. I like jalapeno poppers.

And that's something that I feel like you would make on a date. No, like, like no problem. I mean, there's so many stories to tell.

How do you do that? You got to get cheese on the inside, wrap it in bacon. Stuff it. Stuff it. Yeah, that's not a food that you want to make on a date.

That's what gets you in the mood for finger blasting. You're in there fucking shoving this cheese right into this jalapeno and you're like you think what i'm thinking babe you just get in there and go but you didn't you know another one that you got to be careful of is you never want to have sex and i didn't do this i have a friend that did with a tampon in yeah well no shit lauren yeah that's not it that's not you had no shit moment of the week i think that's pretty much known right away what mom says okay so you're gonna start you're a woman now you're bleeding also by the way don't fuck with this you know what ari we have failed our audience today comes here for wellness there's probably a lot of girls

that are like, God damn it, I didn't know that. Yeah. I met a porn star, and they used to be adjacent to the comedy scene, so we'd all talk, and one guy who ran a house was like, yeah, this lady, her pussy stunk so bad.

You know where this is going to. But it was like she last had sex on her last period, left it in the whole fucking month of porn fuckings. And we were just building up semen. With the tampon. With the tampon. With the tampon. And then that thing just, I don't know what new disease.

I think that's how COVID started. You know, after this, we're interviewing a Fox News correspondent. I'm going to have to really switch gears. How do you guys do that? I'm going to have to.

What a different show. I'm going to have to. That's the one he's going to get shit face for. Tell me about the warm of Godishu. That's the one where I'm going to.

Finger blasting weird in the desert. You're going to get shit face for. Tell me about the warm or good issue. That's the one where I'm going to finger blasting weird in the desert. You're going to have to what? What does Rupert Are you going to ask that? Rupert Gingrich. He's just playing like an idiot and just like ask the worst like but thoughtful questions. Yeah, I know that's the one where maybe

now actually after all this we should get shit face for. Can I ask an actual kind of wellnessy entrepreneur question? Sure. If someone's listening and they want to be a comic. You could be held liable for fucking, if something bad happens to anyone who listens to anything you guys say on this podcast. Really? Cut that out.

Cut that out. Cut it out. Don't go, don't go get. They'll be like, what? Don't fuck with tampons in? Oh my God. my life has changed now don't give me a fucking lawsuit what's the what's the advice the advice for someone who wants to be a comedian what are the real tangible tips because it's a lot of fucking work it is you

got to get up on stage and bomb horribly for five just three to seven years okay yeah yeah it's not a fun road so it's a young person's game to start so older people want to get into it's like you you you're not you can't do this nobody's got into it older and like really crushed it no it's all been or nor has anyone really who's already famous who got into it crushed it because they're also not willing to eat shit so if they were famous before from acting or something and then they were like let me do comedy it's like you're you're gonna not be equipped to do this. Has there been any actor that's crossed over to comedy?

There's always been comics that have crossed over to acting. Almost. Let me think. Who's made that crossover? Some people have done some acting before, but not like an actor. You know? Robin Williams comic before. Comic before.

Jamie Foxx. Every comic that's ever come on here says it's just reps. Like you just have to keep doing it. Just do it a lot. In bad rooms, in bad environments. But also, if you're a celebrity, people are like, let's have you in this great room. You actually should be doing really shitty open mics

where nobody knows you. How often? Twice a night for six to seven nights a week for five years. Why do young new comics not make it? Outside of if they're not funny, what burns them out the most? It's lot of failure at some point you're like i can't do this anymore three years in your wife's nagging you like you have a master's degree i need you to start making some money and they're like fuck and then you start this is never gonna happen

it's really yeah how many years did it take for you to like actually say okay i can make a living here make a living it was a good five, six. I started booking commercials. Yeah. In here. What was your first commercial? Commercial? They flew me to Monument Valley.

It was pretty cool, actually. That's sick. Yeah, it was sick. My taxes on that were more than any paycheck I've ever made. That's so cool. My taxes were like $1,600 they took out. I was like, what the fuck? Yeah, I made 40 grand.

And then it was like game on. And then it just momented. Over a year. Yeah. And it was like game on and then it just moment over a year yeah and it was just game on that's all i needed because i was living on like 13 grand before that and how long ago was that like what month is this now no no it was like 20 it was like 20 years ago 20 years here in west hollywood in like la are you single i I'm always, listen lady, I'm not going to fuck you regardless. So, please don't fuck my wife. That's the last thing. This is actually.

That'd be the last thing that we need at the end of the podcast. We also, you know, we give a bunch of terrible advice and then my wife got fucked.

Depends how dusty it is. I'm putting it out in the ether. Are you single? I, you know, whatever. No, this is what it is.

He's not single. He's seeing someone I can tell. You know what though? This is a good podcast to come on. No, this is what it is. He's not single. He's seeing someone. You know what, though? This is a good podcast to come on. Yeah, I've gotten people married on this podcast. A lot of the shows you do, it's like a lot of dudes are listening. You're not looking. A lot of chicks are listening to this one.

A lot of chicks listen to this one. You're not looking. No. So you're dating someone. Wait twice. Relax, lady. Okay. Ari, I can't

wait to be invited to the barbecue. You'll never be invited to the barbecue. They'll be not as loose-lipped around you.

You need to be a comic. Come on. I know. I'm sorry. We'll have another barbecue you guys can come to.

I can take it. It's not that. I want to come to one of your shows especially if you come back out to Austin. I heard that comedy

mothership is fucking killing it oh yeah come to one of those shows we want to that's a fun place to go okay that's a fun add out

there and the creek and the cave is also like a real casual we've done none of this oh what no you're in Austin Austin's got a great comedy scene

always has no we haven't done anything what do you do there we just like we kind of hide out there but we need to get out hide more we need to be out a little bit more

sun your fucking assholes I do sun my assholes like a real Austin Texas that's why Texas is going to break off they're going to take away the right to sun your asshole that was the last straw did you see the eclipse

that was it yeah so how do we come and see you tell us all your tour dates where can we find you pimp yourself out I'm done on tour now

I finished my tour I'm going to be in Australia I'm going right from here to Australia I'm just here to break this Australia trip and then I'm done until next year

so I've got a new podcast you be tripping it's about travel I'm going right from here to Australia. I'm just here to break this Australia trip. And then I'm done until next year. So I've got a new podcast, You Be Trippin. It's about travel. Fucking wild fun stories in different places. Wait, did you just start that recently? I started, yeah. What do you interview people about? About their fun, crazy trips they've had in the past.

Do I get to be interviewed? If you've had something fun. I've had a lot of fun. It can't just be, I sunned my asshole here. I sunned my asshole on a veranda in Italy. I let us think yeah for sure let us think of one that we you had to have done stuff gotten into some like not trouble but like had a bit of an adventure somewhere it can be like we went and had a great like there's this beach we did oh yeah i did some kayaking that was cool jet skis i gotta bring a really good trip yeah like you get into something if you got arrested

anywhere we went on a bender somewhere yeah we went on a bender if you met each other fucking on some you know what would be a good trip to talk about beijing beijing what that could be that's not that good of a no i can't give you what it is you have to i have to come on the podcast to tell you what it's beijing beijing ruled i did so much blow in beijing it's the wild how much punishable by death drugs they do really i would think there's not a lot of drugs there i would think so too the comedy scene there told me first of all they only care about the drugs that they're on okay that the asians will the chinese will do so the white the opium they're like you can't bring this in fucking coke they're like kill yourselves it doesn't matter we're not

doing that really yeah so they just don't look for weed they don't even know what it smells like you can smoke pot in front of a cop and And they're just like, they got a weird fucking cigarette on you. They don't even know what it smells like. They're like, that's a clove. There's no training on it. Because it's not there. That's wild. It's so fun.

That rice wine, I mean, this is, we don't have time. That rice wine out there, that shit. Did you have all that? Did you drink that? All their... Whatever it's called? Yeah, whatever it's called. It's the most drank alcohol in the world.

That shit put me... Soji? No. It took me out. Soju? Soju, yeah. That took me out. It's also unregulated, so you're like, this one's a stronger can than the other one.

I don't know. You got a lucky one. We could... Maybe we could come on the podcast and talk about Taylor's cruise. I didn't know where I was or who I was out there. In Beijing? Yeah. That's perfect.

That's what I want. I have many trips like that. This is side tangent. I thought I called an Uber. I was or who I was out there. In Beijing? Yeah. That's perfect. That's the kind of, that's what I want. I have many trips like that. This is a side tangent. I thought I called an Uber and I was on all this, what's it called? Soju? No, you can't tell the whole snow.

No, just this one part of the small story. Side part, we'll get back to it. And I called an Uber and I thought I got in the Uber and I was in the back and this guy was just screaming in my face, like really aggressive. And I kept saying like,

go, go, because we can't communicate. Yeah. He was not the Uber driver. And he was not the Uber car. You Chinese, you talk too loud. And I was just,

just go. I was just in the back of that car. And you're thinking back. He's like, yes, the AC is fine. Just go. And he's like,

get the fuck out of my car. She was, she had enough. That's fun. Ari, you're amazing. You're funny shit. when I'm in Austin.

I have a studio in Austin. I want to come in, whenever you're in Austin and you're amazing you're funny shit I'm in Austin I have a studio in Austin I want to come whenever you're in Austin and you're doing anything please you still drink? let's go

let's go booze on a night Bert asked me that too he's like do you drink? because Gwyneth Paltrow doesn't drink we drink on the right occasions

yeah we drank last night I can drink with the boys okay I can drink yeah let's like go out we'll come to a show and then we'll go out for a few.

Where do you guys go when you go out? A lot of times we just stay at clubs, at comedy clubs, but I try to push my friends away from fucking 6th Street for sure.

So where? There's some cool bars. Bars? Yeah. Okay. We're in. There's that new one that just opened that West.

I'm inviting myself. I'm coming. It sounds fun. In the away parts, absolutely I want to see you throw up at a fucking club. I want to see you throw up at a fucking club. I want to see the lie. I'm not going to lie.

I do do that too, where you're like, you're like, Oh, I feel a little sick and you just make yourself throw up. Yeah. And then you come back to the party. Yeah.

And then you lie and say your phone got killed by the Austin humidity, but it was you throwing up on it. What is up? I thought I shit myself the other day. I was on mushrooms at a bar and then I was like, and I farted and I was like, damn, I shit myself.

And then I went outside and then I went to look to see how bad it was. And I was like, Oh, it was just a fart, but I had made up a whole excuse. I'm like, I goted and I was like, damn, I shit myself. And then I went outside and then I went to look to see how bad it was and I was like, oh, it was just a fart. But I had made up a whole excuse. I'm like, I got a big podcast tomorrow. I got to prepare. And then I came back in like, what happened to your thing? I'm like, oh, fuck, they canceled. Well, now everyone knows that you crop dusted in the bar and you thought it was a shit. Yeah.

Ari, where can everyone find you? Pimp yourself out. One of a kind. At Ari Shafir and everything. My podcast, You Be Trippin'. It's branded. We're 12 episodes in. So I'm really having a lot of fun with it. I'll come on and talk wellness. Okay.

Talk about foreign wellness. Thank you, brother. Thank you. Yeah, thanks, guys. This was a lot of fun. You're hysterical. This was great. Thank you.