The Skinny Confidential Him & Her Podcast - Be You, Only Better With Coach Mike Bayer - How To Be Your Best Self, How To Unlock Your Potential, & How To Grow As An Individual

Episode Date: August 9, 2019

#207: On this episode we sit down with Coach Mike Bayer to discuss what it takes to be your best self, how to unlock your potential and how we can grow as individuals To connect with Coach Mike Bayer ...click HERE To connect with Lauryn Evarts click HERE To connect with Michael Bosstick click HERE Read More on The Skinny Confidential HERE For Detailed Show Notes visit TSCPODCAST.COM To Call the Him & Her Hotline call: 1-833-SKINNYS (754-6697) This episode is brought to you by Function of Beauty. Function of beauty is individually formulating shampoo and conditioners for every hair type, hair goal, and preference. Listeners will receive 20% off their first order. To redeem, head to functionofbeauty.com/SKINNY and take their hair profile quiz. This episode is brought to you by Skillshare. Skillshare is an online learning space offering more than 25,000 courses. Join the millions of students already learning on Skillshare today with a special offer just for our listeners: Get two months of Skillshare for free. That’s right, Skillshare is offering The Skinny Confidential listeners two months of unlimited access to over 25,000 classes for free. To sign up, go to www.skillshare.com/TSC.  Produced by Dear Media 

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Starting point is 00:00:00 The following podcast is a Dear Media production. of it as the Netflix for learning skills online. So join the millions of students already learning on Skillshare today with a special offer just for our listeners. Get two months of Skillshare for free. That's right. Skillshare is offering the skinny confidential him and her listeners two months of unlimited access to over 25,000 classes for free. To sign up, go to skillshare.com slash TSC. Again, go to skillshare.com slash TSC to start your two months now. That's skillshare.com slash TSC to start your two months now. That's Skillshare.com slash TSC. are bringing you along for the ride. Get ready for some major realness. Welcome to the Skinny Confidential, him and her. Aha! But I like this idea of unexpected hope, so that's like a season of my life where I'm like, I want to provide unexpected hope, and I want to study hope.
Starting point is 00:01:18 And I want to understand why some people get out of the darkness and some people stay in it. And some people could be in what we perceive as total darkness, and they still have hope and they're happier, right? And so it's just life evolves. And if you don't evolve with life, life makes you deal with it. Everybody, welcome back. Welcome back. That clip was from our guest of the show today, Mike Bayer. On this episode, we discuss what it takes to be who you truly want to be, how to live each day as your best self and common mental blocks and tools to break through barriers. My name is Michael Bostic. I am a serial entrepreneur and the CEO of the Dear Media Podcast Network, which is rapidly growing,
Starting point is 00:01:56 adding content daily. And across from me, my wife, a little bit grumpy today, a little bit unnerved by me, Lauren Everts of The Skinny Confidential. Yeah, Michael's driving me nuts. Hi guys, Lauren Everts of the Skinny Confidential, as Michael said. Today is about, it's about one o'clock and I've already stabbed you. I tried to stab you five times. A lot of this episode covers mental blocks. Lauren's having a mental block this morning with me. She hasn't been able to break through her barrier and she hasn't been able to live her
Starting point is 00:02:25 day as her authentic self. No, because Michael started talking about work at 6.30 in the morning today and I was not having it, especially not before I ate breakfast. I don't know why. I cooked you breakfast too, by the way. So that should have got me a few points. Like a good husband should. You didn't use the right bread. I wanted Dave's killer bread and you made me cracked sourdough. I thought you loved the sourdough. I do love the sourdough at certain moments. Anyways, I am not living my life today the way I truly want to be. I am not tranquil. My wife is stressing me out a little bit. You know, for all those couples out there that think it's just fairies and rainbows all the time in relationships, wrong again. No, marriage is work. Marriage is work. It's constant work in progress.
Starting point is 00:03:08 What happens is I'm a full 10 and Lauren has a difficult time understanding that sometimes. It's something I struggle with daily. I'm so glad everyone can hear you call yourself a 10. Taylor, hope your mic's on. What do you think about our marriage? Because I feel like you're around it and you see the BTS. I was laughing just a second ago because this is completely has nothing to do with the question you just asked me. I just realized that I put on two different shoes today. Wait, wait, wait, walk out here.
Starting point is 00:03:41 They're the same shoe, but just different colors colors one's army and one's black all right well that was that was off topic but wow so listen again a guy a guy really uh struggling with mental blocks mental barriers but yeah i mean listen there's a lot of i know lauren's waving at me to stop talking but there's a lot a lot of struggling and listen all the if you have your man in the car right now turn this up. Us men, we're out there. We're doing the right thing. We're struggling. These women, they just don't, sometimes they just don't appreciate. Lauren's flashing me right now in the studio. I'm showing you. All right. You know what, Lauren, actually I'm wrong. You're right. If you do flash, then I'm just going to admit that I'm wrong. And you know, nothing a titty can't solve.
Starting point is 00:04:21 Marriage is kind of like Taylor's shoes. One's camo and one's black. You know what I mean? It's mismatched sometimes. Anyways, guys, we're going to get through it. We got through this intro just fine. I'm still alive. So let's introduce coach Mike Baer. Who is Mike Baer? He is the founder and CEO of Cast Centers, the go-to clinic for artists, athletes, executives, and anyone who wants to live more authentically, successfully, and joyfully. He's a New York Times bestselling author of the book, Best Self, Be You, Only Better. For Dr. Phil fans, you may have seen Mike. He is a frequent guest on the Dr. Phil Show. With that, please welcome Coach Mike Bayer to the podcast. Welcome. Let's take a quick break to talk about evolving.
Starting point is 00:05:06 And when I'm talking about evolving, I mean evolving your skills. Personally, this is like a number one priority for me. So Skillshare is this platform that has over 20,000 classes, guys, that you can learn from the comfort of your own home. I personally am a huge fan of the creative section, but they also have business, technology, and even lifestyle. When you look at Lauren and I's careers, right, starting in real estate, her as a bartender, her as a Pilates instructor, me as, you know, running a company, a jet bed,
Starting point is 00:05:35 we've done so many different things, and now podcasting, you really start to see there's been an eclectic group of skills that we've had to acquire to accomplish our goals. And everybody out there can as well. And especially with a tool like Skillshare. Skillshare, like Lauren said, has more than 25,000 classes in accounting, marketing, sales, design. There's really something for everybody and it's taught by people like you and me. What I love about Skillshare is there's always something in niche categories. We've talked about on this show multiple times, you can't just go in to a job or a profession anymore with one skill set. You need to wear multiple hats. You need to have a broad base of skills. And that's why Skillshare exists. And that is why we love them so much as a partner. Whether you're looking to discover a new passion, start a side hustle, or gain new professional skills, Skillshare is there to keep you learning, thriving, and reaching your new goals. If you're creative like me, just to give you some examples, there's everything from animation to film production, fine art, graphic design, my personal favorite, illustration, music production, photography, and even writing.
Starting point is 00:06:34 This is all in one place. So there really is no excuses. If you feel like you want to learn how to do something, all you have to do is sign on to Skillshare. You could do it after your nine to five job. I mean, honestly, I would have utilized this when I was a bartender. I could have used it from, I would have honestly probably used it from 1230 to two in the morning. Guys, we have an amazing offer for you. Pretty much a free offer. Actually, it is a free offer. Join the millions of students already learning on Skillshare today with a special offer just for our listeners. Get two months of Skillshare for free. That's right. Skillshare is offering the skinny confidential listeners two months of unlimited access to thousands of classes for free. That's right. Skillshare is offering the Skinny Confidential listeners two months of unlimited access
Starting point is 00:07:06 to thousands of classes for free. To sign up, go to Skillshare.com slash TSC. Again, go to Skillshare.com slash TSC to start your two months now. That's Skillshare.com slash TSC. This is the Skinny Confidential, him and her. What is this challenge? Let's just rip the bandaid her. What is this challenge? Let's just rip the bandaid off.
Starting point is 00:07:27 What's the challenge? You want to get into it now? Right away. All right, cool. So I created the Best Self Challenge. It's based off the book I wrote called Best Self. The reason I created the Best Self Challenge for social media is I felt that everyone online is always showing themselves at their best.
Starting point is 00:07:50 I mean, literally, I know women who will try to post empowering photos where they're nervous in a bikini or even grabbing body fat and showing it, but they've taken 50 selfies to get that one photo. So everything is kind of manufactured because everyone wants to be recognized and be seen. With the Best Self Challenge, I created what's called your best self and your anti-self. And I say that the best self is the most authentic part of ourselves, and it's who makes us uniquely ourselves. And so what I like to do is I like to first describe, and I have people, I'm going to have everyone here doing it, write out adjectives around who you are when you're being your best self. Okay. And Taylor, me and Michael are doing it. Yes. Okay. Adjectives. So how many?
Starting point is 00:08:38 As many that come to mind. And sometimes it helps to think about like, when are you really feeling in the moment? When are you feeling just free and nothing can bring you down? Yeah, an adjective is a description of anything. So an adjective for yourself could be when I'm my best self, for example, I know I'm really wise. I'm level-headed. I critically think. I have compassion. I don't take things personally. Okay. So do we have a list? I got a pretty solid list. Let's hear it. So I wrote, let's see, Lauren, tell me if this is me at my best self. I wrote truthful, confident, active, loving,
Starting point is 00:09:26 open, real, generous, and empathetic. Great. How do you feel when you say those? Feel good. Feel great. Feels good. Yeah. And you, Lauren?
Starting point is 00:09:35 I wrote funny, productive, sharp, witty. Is it listener or listening for the adjective? Either one. I mean, whatever works for you. And confident. Okay, great. And do you know when you each feel this way? A hundred percent. I do. I don't know. Maybe. Do you see it in each other when you, when the other person is operating like this? Yeah. My love language is touch. So when I'm getting touched 500 times a day, I can feel it. If I'm
Starting point is 00:10:02 being loving. Yeah. Okay. You might be getting touched for other reasons, but... Taylor, what are yours? I wrote down creative, enthusiastic, outrageous, absurd, nonjudgmental, funny, and multidimensional. I'm going to steal one from you. I like the nonjudgmental one. I feel my best self when I'm nonjudgmental too. Great. Add that to your list. Now you're going to draw this. We're to your list. And now you're going to draw this.
Starting point is 00:10:26 We're going to draw? Okay. You're going to draw it. So my best self is a wizard named Merwin. He's like a thousand years old. Okay. I want you to draw who you are when you're being your best self. And I understand that most people out there can't draw.
Starting point is 00:10:38 I can't draw worth shit. We end up, you know, what's interesting about drawing is we draw the same way we drew. When we were children. It does not change unless we get training. So I want you to draw and name your best self. I'm scared to see Taylor's drawing. I'm a terrible drawer. So it's not.
Starting point is 00:10:54 I just feel like enthusiastic like that could be interpreted in so many ways. Like enthusiastic. Is he going to draw like a boner on himself? What's going to happen with that, Taylor? Let's see what the drawing comes out. Yeah, see. So it could be anything. It could be an object, a cloud.
Starting point is 00:11:09 It could be a portrait. Because our parents name us our names unless we change it later on. But I feel like this is like our authentic spiritual self. I guess some people would say they're spirit animal for themselves. My guy kind of looks a little bit handicapped here.
Starting point is 00:11:27 He looks really profound. You're copying his wizard. Mine didn't look like that. Okay. He's doing a little rock and roll symbol here. So if someone's at home, they're just drawing. It could be anything. They could draw anything that represents when they...
Starting point is 00:11:40 And there's no negativity when you're your best self. There's no meanness. There's no comparing. You know, this drawing's really bad. Mike, I don't know what to do here. Okay, what are we naming it or him or her? The enlightened one. Whoa.
Starting point is 00:11:55 It could be that if that's what comes to mind. Well, I just think that like being like these things, you'd be at your most enlightened self if you could accomplish all of them. Okay. Right. So yeah. Unless I'm using that wrong. Who knows? No knows no you're not i think it's really helpful like i find for people if they call it mr enlightened or like you give it a real life as if it's a
Starting point is 00:12:12 character inside of yourself for me like i'm really lately i've been really thinking a lot more about like going inward right like i think so many of us are focused on the external things that are going on around us and looking at the external to solve problems. And for me, it's like recognizing a lot of the issues in my life are probably because of me and thinking about what I'm doing internally or how I'm thinking about things internally to kind of solve those issues. Does that make sense? Yeah. You're becoming a lot more self-aware. Yeah. We were just joking about it before. No, I think it's true because everything from like, okay, this person did this and I'm angry or I'm reacting to it. Okay. Is
Starting point is 00:12:44 that on them or is that on me? Or anytime I'm getting disappointed in someone, is that because I had an expectation? So I'm like, you know, the benefit of me being able to sit with people like yourself for this long is that it's forced me to start looking at myself as opposed to everybody else. Great. You got it. So I'm going to take you through this whole process. We'll go quick. Does that work? Yeah. What are we naming your best self, Michael? And Taylor, what's yours? Are we talking about my drawing or the name? The name of your best self with your drawing.
Starting point is 00:13:10 I was going to do Sunny T. All right. Sunny T's in the house. Is it a name or can I, I can't call it what I was calling it. What would you call it again? I called it the enlightened one. Yeah. You can call it the enlightened one.
Starting point is 00:13:19 Okay. Mine's named charisma. It's almost Tio for short. Yeah. Tio. Tio. Mine's charisma. I just love charisma in people. So that's what I want to allude.
Starting point is 00:13:29 Great. So we have Charisma, Sunny T, Tio, which is also known as the Enlightened One. Actually, I'm changing my name to Solace. Solace? Yeah. Not Solace, Solace, S-O-L-A-C-E. Okay. Like Winter Solace? Yes. Okay. Got-l-a-c-e. Okay. Like winter soulless.
Starting point is 00:13:45 Yes. Okay. Got it. All right. We got this. So we're going to go on to our anti-self now. Oh God. So the anti-self and the reason why this is so helpful and it seems silly if you dig into
Starting point is 00:13:56 it is with our own egos. Have you ever noticed like when somebody gets defensive, there's no getting in. Yes. And if you say to somebody, well, just stop comparing. You're like, okay, that's really helpful. Just stop comparing. And you're like, why am I comparing? And I'm beating myself up for comparing.
Starting point is 00:14:13 And there's just this endless thing that we do. Think of that part of you that you know is getting in the way of being your best self. And write down what that is. And for everyone, it's different. Okay. So you started writing what Michael?
Starting point is 00:14:30 Impatient, angry and say judgmental. Maybe what's the word if you're not listening, not listening. Is that, is that an adjective? Like, yeah,
Starting point is 00:14:39 you're not listening. By nature. It's coming from a place where I want to help. But when someone comes to me with their problems, instead of just listening and hearing, I'm trying to jump in and solve. Does that make sense? That was the most self-aware thing you've said all week. Really?
Starting point is 00:14:52 Well, because if, say, Lauren comes in with an issue and she's like, I'm having trouble with this. My default state is to go, okay, let me like jump in and tell you how to solve it. But that's not the right way because my way is probably not her way. But it's when sometimes maybe it would help more if I just listened. I got you. Yeah. It makes sense. Yeah. It makes sense. My, where I get in trouble is when, and I noticed this in myself when I think with my emotions, not my logic. So I really, I practice a lot of stoicism and I really, really try to think logically because I find that that works a lot better for me when I act with emotion, look out and then add pms
Starting point is 00:15:25 on it and it's it's not dangerous it's a recipe for disaster and then you end up just causing more suffering for you i cause more suffering like this weekend i got you on saturday night specifically that's when your anti-self came out it didn't i didn't have my best self on saturday night okay so let's let's figure out the name. Let's do the same thing. We're going to draw it per thing. Okay. That part of you that describes, that comes to mind, your anti-self. Minor expectations, PMS, anxiety, selfishness, combativeness, and when I'm emotional. Is PMS an adjective?
Starting point is 00:16:00 I made it one. I made it one. Okay. All right. PMSy. Maybe it's exaggerated when you're going through that. I'm just going to made it one. Okay. Okay. All right. It's PMSC. Maybe it's exaggerated when you're going through that. I'm just going to draw a devil. Okay.
Starting point is 00:16:09 So you're drawing a devil. Mine's like a disgusting hunched over troll. Okay. And what's his name? We can just call him troll. Troll. The troll. He's the troll.
Starting point is 00:16:18 Okay. I don't want to call him the troll. Mine's name is Lucifer. Lucifer. Okay. Lucifer's in the mix. Okay. So we got Lucifer and Taylor.
Starting point is 00:16:24 How about you? Mr. Hall. Mr. Hall. Hall. H-O-. Lucifer. Okay. Lucifer's in the mix. Okay. So we got Lucifer and Taylor. How about you? Mr. Hole. Mr. Hole? Hole. H-O-L-E. Mr. Hole. Yep. Tell me about him.
Starting point is 00:16:31 He's messy. He's impatient. And he doesn't take the time to kind of understand when he's irritable. You're so fucked because now every single time you act like those things to me, I'm going to call you Mr. Hole. You're forever known on this show as Mr. Hole. It's going to help him. Yeah. And that's the thing known on this show as Mr. Hole. It's going to help him. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:16:45 And that's the thing. Really, it'll help. Imagine if you're just like, oh my gosh, you're so messy. If you're just like, Mr. Hole's coming out, you can kind of laugh at it. And it's actually, I know so many people who now use their best selves and anti-selves as a way to communicate. Okay. And it's helpful.
Starting point is 00:17:00 So if I, okay, so yours is Lucifer. You really, it's Lucifer. You're that dark with it. I am very, very extreme with everything. I'm very intense. There's no in between for me. It's gray. It's black and white.
Starting point is 00:17:12 I'm either fun or it's not. Okay. To my husband. I got you. I don't know if I'd describe you as Lucifer, but I mean, that's pretty far, but he's like, yeah, but I, but I get where you're going with it. Okay, cool. You should have gone Satan Jr. No, you can just call me loose for sure. Okay, loose's like, yeah. But I get where you're going with it. Cool. You should have gone Satan Jr.
Starting point is 00:17:26 No, you can just call me Loose for short. Okay, Loose. Oh, Loose. Now your name's Loose on the show. Yeah, Loose. Okay, Michael, what do you... I got Mr. Loose Hole. Yeah. Mine's a... Well, I just had a troll, but I might change it now. I don't know. Loose Troll Hole.
Starting point is 00:17:42 Yeah. Loose Troll. Okay. sounds like a garbage pail kid yeah yeah this is kind of like a what's his name let's name him we could call him garbage troll okay garbage troll so we have garbage troll the hole and loose right so i want you to think about the last time that this part of you came out you're saying saturday? Saturday night. You're saying when? I would say probably last week during the entire week. I was just in a funk. I was just in a weird mood, bad mood. And then I think that carried over to this weekend.
Starting point is 00:18:15 And then we were both fighting about stuff. And then I think probably it was like a combination of both of us. Okay. Culminating together. Taylor, you, when were you the whole? I noticed it on Friday that stuff was getting messy and then I corrected it specifically, but it was to the point to where it was weighing me down. So I addressed it, but still that still reflects. I can still think of that and go, I know for a fact that that took place on Friday.
Starting point is 00:18:36 Got it. So now what I want you to do is each to communicate to me, how would your best self have handled Saturday night? I would have had two less tequila shots. Okay. I would have been logical, not emotional. I would have not had expectations for other people because I can't control other people's reactions. And sometimes I can be a control freak and maybe a little bit less anxiety. Got it. So if you know you could be your best self Saturday night, like the next time you act up where you feel your anti-self coming out,
Starting point is 00:19:09 do you think that you could shift it? Yes, I do. I do think that I like the juxtaposition of both of them. I think that I can recognize that it's difficult, but I think I'm the only one that has the tools to shift it. He doesn't have the tools. Right. You can make a choice.
Starting point is 00:19:25 And then once you realize that, you're like, okay, well, what do I need to do to stay more in my best self? I can be... So first, it's figuring out what routines, what rituals, what moments. Like, if Michael has permission to say, hey, it seems like Luce is coming out. I'm telling you, if he tries... I'd love for you guys to try it and tell me how it worked out. We're going to have to do, we're going to get some feedback. I already know what he's going to say. He's going to look at me and he's going to go, you're getting a little Lucy.
Starting point is 00:19:51 Yeah. I'm getting a little loose. Got to tighten up. No, but I mean, it's true. Even in my, like last week, I think a lot of it was like, I was getting very irritated with a lot of things because of my own issues. And that led to being impatient, which means that I'm not listening, which is just like, then people don't feel heard and they feel disrespected. And then it's a cascades into, you know, getting negative energy and feedback to me. And then I'm getting angry. And I mean, it's interesting writing it down. I've never done an exercise like this when I can actually like put it on a piece of paper and see and be like, Oh, wait a minute. Like if I just didn't do all of those things, I probably wouldn't get to this place. Can we challenge the audience to do this at home?
Starting point is 00:20:26 It's such an easy exercise that is effective and you can do it with your significant other. So you can call them an evil name when they're acting like an asshole. And I like how you can keep this paper because then you can, it's something to see. I'm going to frame yours and put it in your office. What is the descriptive term for kind of materializing your shortcomings? Is there, is there a word for it? A lot of the times when you think something of a specific, like you have a shortcoming and you identify, it's like an identifier, I guess. Maybe I answered my own question. Well, I think it's helpful for most
Starting point is 00:20:54 people. If you identify just like, why are you so angry? There's no humor in it. It's all negative. There's no fun. And usually it doesn't get anywhere. Why do you effing think I'm so angry? You know, like if you're like, well, you sound a little bit like blank. I've found nine times out of 10, the person loosens up a bit. And they're like, yeah, you're right. You're so right. What's your evil character's name?
Starting point is 00:21:22 Well, I would say they're evil, but mine would be Angelos, right? So I own a treatment center. So I own a dual diagnosis, alcohol and drug treatment center in West Hollywood called cast centers. And I have about 15 employees in that business. And I find that sometimes I get really impatient. I'll be dismissive. I won't want to spend the time grooming talent and coaches. And I'll be, you know, like, well, why'd you do that? And so like, it doesn't serve me. I like, I did a ritual before I came in here. I went in the bathroom in the hallway. I do this in every bathroom and everywhere I ever go. If I'm doing something publicly
Starting point is 00:21:56 is I drop on my knees real quick, which is, you know, sounds weird. And I look around to make sure no one's looking at me. And then I pop up and I look at myself in the mirror and I always just say, be yourself. And that's just like a grounding exercise that I find has humility in my life so that I stay true to my best self. Otherwise, what happens is life just happens and our emotions just run.
Starting point is 00:22:21 And all of a sudden I could come in this podcast and be fully ego and impatient and not being my best self. And I feel like life works in our favor when we are just who we are. And I think people gravitate to people that they can identify as being authentically themselves. If I saw somebody doing that, I might think, oh, that's strange. But when you explain it, I'm like, oh, that's you. And it pulls you in, pulls me in. Right. Yeah. Like I was in your lobby. I was about to put on my headphones and listen to the Santee Gold song. So I was like, oh, I want to go a step further and like end the flow. Like I'm in this new space instead of I want to be
Starting point is 00:22:59 respectful of you guys inviting me to come out. That's an honor for me to come. And so I want to show up as my best self. And so I think for different people, it's different things, but rituals and some structure really I find is helpful. What do you do if you don't show up as your best self? Because I'm the type of person, and I've noticed I've been doing this a lot, is I take a situation and I won't be perfect in the situation. I'll make mistakes, which is life. And then I'll sit back and I'll pick apart what was wrong instead of looking at what was right. And I'll beat myself up over it and I'll get extreme anxiety. Say you came in and you just bomb this interview. And actually, let's take it a step further. Let's say you didn't bomb
Starting point is 00:23:42 it. Let's say you just said a couple things that you don't that you didn't like. But overall, it was a good interview. That's maybe a better way to share. I'm on Dr. Phil almost every week. There's no retapes or it's all. There's no reduce. There's no reduce. I go up. I have to say something. And I was having moments like that where I was like, I could have been more profound or i was stuttering or i felt nervous or you know but how many times in our life have we looked back at moments that we actually thought were bad that turned out incredibly great in our lives all the time all the time how many times do we look back and go gosh that was really hard for me in the moment but it turned out really well. And so for me, I have to start creating that narrative. And it's helpful to talk to people who support that narrative. I always say, you know, be really careful who you're talking about vulnerable conversations with because you can end up down a rabbit hole.
Starting point is 00:24:40 But I know that feeling, and I think that's part of being human is we feel insecure or we feel out of control. We have to remind ourselves how good life's been on this current journey. And, you know, though, I think there's, there's a lot of young people listening and they may, maybe they haven't had that gut punch yet. Maybe, you know, maybe they've been in just school, high school, then go to college. And up to this point, life's been pretty cherry. It's been, I don't want to say easy because everybody has their own hardships, but maybe, maybe they haven't had that thing. That's been that, Oh shit moment. This is really bad. And then come out the other side, like Lauren and I have had those moments. And so you can look back on them fondly and be like, Oh,
Starting point is 00:25:16 and so when it happens again, you're a little bit more equipped. So what would you tell somebody that's maybe hasn't gone through something yet, but inevitably like anybody else in life will when they're going through it, how do they navigate it? Let's pause this interview for a second. I got a really important question to ask all of our listeners out there. What is your hair profile, everybody? Do you have straight hair, wavy hair, curly hair, coily hair? Is it fine, medium or coarse?
Starting point is 00:25:38 Is it dry, normal or oily? Mine's a little brassy sometimes because I'm really blonde, which is why I'm obsessed with Function of Beauty because you can actually customize exactly what you need for your hair. So it's basically your own personalized shampoo. It also comes in pink, which we love, and I got the peaches one to be specific. I mean, we all don't have the same hair, obviously, so why should we all use the same shampoo and conditioner? Function of Beauty brings you shampoos and conditioners, like I said, that are customized and fit just for you. So what you do is you go online and you take this hair quiz. Michael and I both did it.
Starting point is 00:26:13 And obviously, Michael's answers were very different than mine. Well, you define your hair goals, Lauren. And you and I are both very goal-oriented, as our listeners are as well. So you get to go on there, select five hair goals. You want a deep condition. You want to fix split ends. You want to hydrate thermal protection. I want some thermal protection. You want to volumize, anti-frizz, straighten, oil control. They got it all. Select five and boom, put in your quiz and they will build a shampoo and conditioner just for you. What I really like though is you can also select dye free and fragrance free. I got the peach, but if you want no fragrance, you can have
Starting point is 00:26:45 that. And then they also don't use sulfates or parabens or minerals or any of those nasty rat ingredients. It's vegan. It's cruelty-free. They don't test on animals. I love this. And they have 18,000 five-star customer reviews. So you know you're going to be happy with whatever you get. So like we said, you can really customize these shampoos and conditioners. And I know for all you that just say, wow, this guy's already got some pretty luscious thick hair. What else would he need? I had some hair goals. I wanted to strengthen it. I want to condition. I want to make it deeper. I don't think it can be more strengthened. And I wanted a customized bottle that said MB in orange, and I got it. You got it. So let's get to it. All Skinny Confidential, him and her listeners
Starting point is 00:27:19 will receive 20% off their first order. To redeem, head to functionofbeauty.com slash skinny and take their hair profile quiz today. Go to functionofbeauty.com slash skinny to get 20% off your custom formula. You know, the best way to, this is what I've found is so helpful, is you flip the darkness into inspiration. If you know how to flip the switch, it's brilliant.
Starting point is 00:27:44 So- I'm like not trying to toot my own horn, but I do feel like I do that, that with any darkness I've had, you, you have to shift your perspective, right? So if I get, which I have at different times, like destroyed online or cyber bullied, I, in that moment, I'm like, this is going to help me in schools. This is, I'm going to be able to like help see people in some fashion. Cause I'm experiencing this and I've never experienced it before. Otherwise I'm just kind of going, well, cyber bullying is bad. Well, I think this is a good, a good exercise, you know, because you, you seem like a positive person that has a tendency to be able to look at
Starting point is 00:28:18 the light and dark tunnel. But for people that don't know how to do that, what is like, what's the mindset shift that you have to be in, in to recognize the positives in what's perceived to be negative situation? Well, I mean, I also came from, I was addicted to meth. I've been sober 17 years. I've gone through. Let's talk about that. You were addicted to meth. Crystal meth. How old were you? Well, I started in high school smoking weed and partying. And then I went to a high school called Mater Dei, which is a big athletic school. And I played basketball and went with a homecoming queen.
Starting point is 00:28:48 And then I went to New York to play basketball school called Fordham, but I really couldn't jump that high. And I knew it wasn't going to go that far. And I got involved in nightlife in New York. At first it was so much fun and so enjoyable, but I was one of those who kind of took it to the next level. And it got to the point where, you know, I'd buy meth, throw it away an hour later, it would come back, high it, throw it away. And then eventually, I mean, I hope no one has to go through this, but you know, I spray painted my place red. I thought there was a camera in my people. I felt really desperate. I hated who I'd become. And there's always a lower bottom for different people.
Starting point is 00:29:28 But that was kind of my experience on meth. I mean, you know, on meth, you end up cleaning your kitchen for like 15 hours, but it's still messy. So what were the circumstances behind you deciding you needed to get sober? Well, I'd gone through a bunch of outpatients. I also, I was 22 years old when I got sober. You know, it's that feeling we get. I mean, that's kind of what I have been really passionate about the last few years of my career is authenticity and being your best self because I didn't know who I was. I didn't know, like, there's no roadmap. You don't learn this stuff in school, you know, and you don't know,
Starting point is 00:30:11 like there's physical education, but there's no mental education, right? Like you don't learn how to deal with your emotions or you hope your parents, but a lot of times you're just not equipped. You're not equipped. And so I just wasn't equipped. Maybe I look at myself. Like it took 32 years of me looking around for external things to fix this and then realizing when you're like, oh shit, I've lived literally 32 years on this planet, not even thinking about that. That's a long time. I don't know how people go that long without getting some form of outside help because we all have blind spots. I think it's probably because I'm an overachiever. And so I'm always like head down, like just putting my head into the work. But then all of a sudden something happens and you're forced to look around and say, okay, maybe this isn't serving me. This isn't working.
Starting point is 00:30:47 I have to look inward. Now, like if you're somebody that's listening and you're struggling and you've been doing the same thing over and over, then maybe it's time to switch up your playbook a little bit and say, wait, maybe it's something I'm doing. That's what I had to do. Yeah. I think you reached a certain point where enough is enough and it doesn't need to be totally addicted to drugs it can just be i'm not happy i want you know better relationships a better job you know i've worked with so many people that want better jobs more purpose so i mean everyone's different but i think we're all in this journey of being human it didn't map out because if you look at me you're like oh well this guy's got solid businesses solid relationships like financially successful and so on the surface you're like, oh, well, this guy's got solid businesses, solid relationships, like financially successful. And so on the surface, you're like, oh, that
Starting point is 00:31:27 everything's fine. But then you have to look back and like, wait, is all this external stuff actually making me happy? And that's what I had to revisit it. So now I had to look for that. Why I want it. We were talking about a little bit before we got into the interview. You said that a lot of people you help you, you focus a lot on the why and their purpose. How do you go about identifying that? Well, I mean, I'm sitting down with someone right after this, who's an artist and see, I think anything creatively, whatever body of work somebody's creating in anything, uh, I love the thoughtfulness and depth to it. And I think like this next phase of my career, I'm really into hope, right? So
Starting point is 00:32:02 I'm going to courtesy. I've been to Iraq. This will be my third trip going next month to bring like hope to refugees. And I need to get trucks full of goodies, which I don't have any goodies yet. I don't know. I'm going to pull this off. But I'm, you know, like, but I like this idea of unexpected hope. So that's like a season of my life where I'm like, I want to provide unexpected hope. And I want to study hope. And I want to understand why some people get out of the darkness and some people stay in it. And
Starting point is 00:32:28 some people could be in what we perceive as total darkness and they still have hope and they're happier. Right. And so I don't even know if I answered your question, you just got like my brain all ticking, but it's just life evolves. And if you don't evolve with life, life makes you deal with it. What are some common practices that you would recommend for millennials who are feeling hopeless right now? For instance, for me, you know, waking up and starting every morning with meditation, and I always say getting light, the shades open, and movement, whether it's walking to get coffee, and then drinking a ton of water in the morning, like light movement hydration. I think right when I wake up,
Starting point is 00:33:08 that's been something that's really helped me set the tone of my day. Do you have anything that you could recommend to millennials that just are waking up feeling maybe depressed or foggy or not, you know, their, their selves? Sure. I think, I mean, there's always the, which works as a gratitude list. Gratitude gets you in the moment. I also have started this thing that I created this like a week ago, hopeless, or like, how can I provide hope in the day? The problem for us is we get stuck in ourselves. And so we get disconnected from life or we get connected to life, but it's not in such a way that it actually fills us up. Right. And so it definitely the meditation, getting centered, listening to music, feeling free. I also think it's not ever
Starting point is 00:33:51 going online and being mean to another person. Like you won't ever see me posting mean things ever or commenting mean, or that's just from a social media perspective. I think that's really important as you making a decision not to do that. But it's like anonymously picking up trash and throwing it away. It's saying the person in Starbucks line, I love your hair. I mean, how good does it feel to actually give compliments? Yeah, it feels good, right? A total stranger. Selfishly, it feels good to let someone else know like, I really love that about you. That's really nice. I love how you walked in this room. You really know how to walk. To me, the key is getting centered. And then if you're wanting to connect with life,
Starting point is 00:34:34 connect in such a way that you feel like you're adding your own self-esteem. It's esteemable. It's esteemable to give people compliments. So Lauren and I sometimes, you know, and we just did it. We just jump in with someone because we're excited. You work with a lot of high performers. We were talking about a little offline Joe Jonas, Dr. Phil, a lot of different celebrities and strong personalities. How did you get into coaching and kind of like going from recovery to all of a sudden
Starting point is 00:34:58 coaching all these high performers? Like what's the story there? I did interventions for many years. And so at a certain point, I ended up getting phone calls for people who were in the middle of music tours or on set that wouldn't perform. And so the whole thing could shut down if they don't continue. And that person didn't want the whole thing to shut down. So that's kind of how I got introduced to entertainment, I would say. And then I started just getting called into different crises that weren't as hardcore as tours closing down.
Starting point is 00:35:29 It could be like a breakup of a band. Somebody needs a therapist. Somebody needs someone to talk to. How did they know you were the guy? I mean, some people liked me. Like I had some good results. So people trusted me. And I've always kind of had this attitude where I remember I had a really big
Starting point is 00:35:45 artist that I could have worked with. It was a turning point in my career, really big. And I was young. They wanted me to work with this person, but I wasn't allowed to meet with her alone. And there were all these rules and stipulations and attorneys and like I passed on it. And I remember for me, it was like looking back, it was like a great moment in my career where I started to really understand my own integrity. Someone could look at my life and be like, well, that doesn't have integrity or he's not what I mean. But for myself, that's how I really felt. And then, you know, like next week I'll be out at the Dallas Cowboys. So I'm doing something for a player development for 25 rookies.
Starting point is 00:36:27 And that came from like another person. So there's a lot of just word of mouth and just impact. So wait a minute. So walk me through this. Let's say Britney Spears is on tour right now and she and she needs help. Her people call your people and say fly out. And when you do fly out, what does it look like? Is she in bed? Can you really explain the circumstances of you coming to see a celebrity or music artist when they don't want to perform?
Starting point is 00:36:50 I mean, every case is different or situation. Maybe give us one example of someone anonymous. It doesn't need to be. You don't need to tell us who it is. Somebody could be coming to liability on a movie set and they're doing drugs that are illegal. movie set and they're doing drugs that are illegal and they will bring me in to basically have that conversation about what's expected what's okay what's not okay and here's the plan you can stay in if you do this or you're gonna be replaced and they want to give you a shot because
Starting point is 00:37:19 they know you have a lot of personal issues going on in your life but this is it or the thing is it's like there's only probably so many people that end up working in those environments. I don't really do a lot of that anymore. I kind of do more of the be your best self, be better. I do less of that chaos that I used to do. Is that by choice? Yeah. You know, our company does, but at a certain point, I'm always about like, what's that? I want to, I want to do this. Like I wanted to do that for several years, you know, and early in my career, when I first started doing interventions, I mean, I would have done them for free. I would, I would sleep in, you know, $40 a night motel rooms where a family would hire me and pay me 200 bucks and I would have to dedicate two days and they're emotionally draining. But like,
Starting point is 00:38:05 to me, it's just the evolution of, um, what you want to do. Yeah, I get it. Yeah. I had to do an intervention and I know what a nightmare it can be. If it goes wrong, mine went wrong. And did you do it on, we did it on my sister and it wasn't good. Okay's sober now. This was probably like six years ago. No, longer now. Five years ago. Maybe longer now. But I would love to know what your tips are for a successful intervention. What do you see that really works? Because I'm sure there's a lot of people that are listening that have a family member or friend that is abusing drugs or alcohol. Or do you even believe that interventions work at this point? Do you know Bob Forrest?
Starting point is 00:38:46 Yeah, I've never met him. You never met him? He said that he doesn't like interventions anymore, but... I mean, I think that life's a rainbow. So it's figuring out what's the fit. Some people need to be surprised. Some people just need to get their bank account shut off. And some people need to lose their jobs.
Starting point is 00:39:01 And some people need to go to jail, you know? And so everyone's different. And I think the main tip that I always suggest is have a solution in place and always unite with the, you know, like there's only so much friends can do. And at a certain point, like mom and dad need to help. If there's no mom and dad, then maybe it's, you know, someone in the business or whatever they work in. But it's really hard to see somebody suffering who you love. And, you know, the intervention went horribly wrong, but then she's sober today. And I'm sure it was just dramatic, awful thing where she was yelling at everyone and you shouldn't have done it this way or whatever. She's sober today. I mean, it's just a part of the journey.
Starting point is 00:39:49 Some of them are just so messy though. Like so awful. And you throw a lot of dynamics of different personalities in there. Yeah. And on top of that, like when you're hired for it, as much as people go, well, this is about the family and we want to empower the family. Like at the end of the day, they're also hiring you because they want their loved one to go and get well because they don't know what to do anymore. And so there's a lot of pressure in those situations. What are the most common mental blocks that you see across the board? Like, okay, I've seen this in a lot of different cases and this is something that I can come in. Yeah. I would say perspective in general. I think, you know, what do they hope in their own life?
Starting point is 00:40:21 Like get really clear about like, what are you actually wanting? I think a lot of people don't take a step back and go, here's what I want in my career. And then you make sure all those dots connect to the plan of what you want in your career. Or here's what I want in a relationship. I think it's first identifying. I think it's helpful to write it because a lot of people will say, oh no, I know what I want. But then if you ask them, you're gonna go on this trail. And then to understand the intention, well why do you want that? Well that's what's gonna make me happy.
Starting point is 00:40:52 So what you're telling me is, if you make this much money, you're gonna be happy. And then they'll be, yeah, well are you sure that's what's gonna make you happy? You have to dig in a little bit, and so I think it's helpful to go, what are you actually wanting? What is going to give you the most freedom in your life? And that's the first step. Woo, more play. Guys, this is a game changer. If you guys haven't tried coconut oil lube, woo, you are missing out. Let me tell you, I personally can't have sex without it.
Starting point is 00:41:27 I mean, we've been talking about it forever. You can also use it alone if you want to, which is fun. So basically, Woo, you can eat it, lick it, suck it, fuck it. You get your healthy fats in while you give a blowjob and it just works. It has beeswax for grip, little stevia for taste, some vanilla essence for smell. It's really just everything you need when you're having sex. And it's not like I'm saying you need it. It just enhances the situation. You know what I mean? I was going to come in and add to that, but I might have to. I'm overheating right now. I might have to leave the room. You were going to come in real quick. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Guys, we didn't believe in this product and didn't love it as much as we do. One, we wouldn't have created it. And
Starting point is 00:42:01 two, we wouldn't give it to every single guest that comes on this show in bright, skinny, confidential wrapping paper. And let me tell you, every guest gets a huge smile on their face when they get it. And then they always will message me via DM or on text and say, whoa. That's a unique gift, isn't it? Lube, right? And you know what? What else are you going to give? Water. Yeah, we have water here. No, we also have coconut lube, and it's the best. Yes. So this is a great gift for a birthday, a bachelorette party, just to send your boyfriend. Maybe you guys have a long-distance relationship, or just bring it home. I'm telling you, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your husband,
Starting point is 00:42:39 whatever, they're going to be obsessed. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Yes, it is. Guys, to try this out, go to woo more play.com and enter promo code skinny 20 at checkout. That's woo more play w o o m o r e p l a y.com and then code skinny 20 at checkout for 20% off your entire order. Check out the freshies as well. A lot of fun stuff happening over at the woo brand. Enjoy guys. We know that you will. I think that's the hardest thing is like, even in my case, like you really do down to a granular level, think that's actually what you want. And then when you get there, you're like, wait a minute, this didn't make me happier. This
Starting point is 00:43:14 is not what I wanted. And it's like a shock to the system because you can't figure out why something you've worked so long for is not the thing that actually ends up making you happy. I think this is such a good segue to talk about achievement and contribution and maybe explain the differences between the two and even speak on all the high achievers that you have worked with that have got to the point where they've said they're going to be happy and they're not because they're lacking that contribution. I've worked with a lot of people who have a lot of success and are extremely talented. And literally the barista behind Starbucks is happier and just feels more like zany and kind of fun and where the the person I've worked with just feels a lot more like empty or untrusting or paranoid and so it really does come down to like you're saying purpose the journey
Starting point is 00:44:01 of life is always the journey there's no like total destination to it, you know? And I think it's enjoying what you have in the moment and figuring out how to embrace it and realizing that the thing you're trying to get to doesn't, isn't going to change your life that much. See, that's the thing. That's the unlock though. A lot of people think once I make this amount of money,
Starting point is 00:44:21 everything's going to be set and I'd be happy. And it's like that song, it's like more money, more problems. It true it's it's true in a lot of areas because with a lot of that stuff becomes more responsible especially if you're building a company maybe you start off and it's just you and all you have to think about yourself but you start hiring people you got to think about them starting clients you got to think about them like it's just this larger spider web of things and i and i think that if more people understood and went through the exercise of you know let's say you do get to the end of the road and you get everything you want, like, what are you doing then? Like, what happens then? Have you found in your podcasting process, there's been
Starting point is 00:44:52 the experience where sometimes you're like, you know, this is it, you know, and then, you know, it's, it goes up and down, right? The whole thing. You know what, what's interesting about the podcast is Lauren, tell me if I'm wrong. It may be the first avenue that we've both taken where we've just enjoyed the process way more than the end. And so we, like we always say we wouldn't, we would just do this for forever and for free if we could, cause we get to talk to people like yourself. But I think it's been the first thing where it's, there's not like an end goal or an end road or like we're going to, it's just, we're excited to do this. Right. And it's been, you know, we've done a lot of different things and this is the first thing I can really
Starting point is 00:45:28 put the stamp on and say, we haven't really thought about an end for this. Have we? No, you're right. It's, we're enjoying the process, which I think is really special. And I think that that's unlike a lot of things. It's not common in any of the other things we did or do, right? Like in all my other business, I'm like, okay, once I get here and I do this and I make this money, there's always that. And what I found is every time I would get to that goal, it was never enough. And I was never happy. And so that I had to go back and say, wait, why am I doing all of this shit anyways? And so this is the first time when we've been like completely clear. It's to, it's to speak to people like you, to present this audience with
Starting point is 00:45:59 valuable information that they could use to benefit their life. And also in a selfish way, be able to sit down with someone like you and pick your brain for an hour and just ask you whatever. It's different than being able, if I just called you up randomly and said, Hey, can we get a cup of coffee? And I'd be like, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. But if I say, Hey, you want to come on the show, talk about your book for an hour? You're like, yeah, let's talk about whatever. And so it's, it's just access to people as well. So maybe it's an environment where you get to learn. There's no pressure. There's no stress. The two of you get to do something beautifully as a couple. That's a fun way for you to collaborate.
Starting point is 00:46:30 Yeah, it's fun to work with your significant other. Yeah. Sometimes. It has its challenges. I'm curious about the high achievers that you work with, the actresses, the influencers, the celebrities. It seems to me, and I'm really noticing that this as I get older, that the more eyes you have on you and the more famous you become, the more isolated you become.
Starting point is 00:46:51 And I'm interested on how you counsel someone that feels that they are so famous and they're so well-known, but they feel so alone. What's the conversation like there? What I normally do is I create this thing called SPHERES. It's an acronym. It's S-P-H-E-R-E-S. And it stands for social, personal health, education, relationships, employment, and spiritual. And so what I do is I have them rate from a one to 10 where they are. And so that we can really analyze what targeted area we should get into. And so it may be that like socially they're at like a two. And so we need to go, okay, well, how do we improve that? Who do you want to connect with?
Starting point is 00:47:34 Who do you trust? What does that look like? What do you want? How good of a friend are you to other people? You know, and then also spiritually, it's like, okay, well, you're standing for for all these things but are you getting in the trenches at all you know you're you're posting that you're all about these charities but are you actually getting your hands dirty and i think there's a huge difference that's what you're talking about someone isolates where they're just leveraged and they feel all alone and they may have a significant other but But then, you know, I know
Starting point is 00:48:06 we're talking a lot about celebrities, and that's why I love being on Dr. Phil as I work with like, you know, the person next door. And it's, it can be the same issue where they just feel extremely the same feelings are there. If somebody doesn't feel understood, and they feel empty and don't trust people. And a lot of people out there have really difficult moms and dads. What advice would you give to people that have been in a relationship for a long time? Michael and I have been in a relationship for 10 years. I never want to stop learning and evolving in the relationship. I never want to get stagnant.
Starting point is 00:48:38 So I would love to hear your tips. Tips on people in a relationship? Yeah. How do we get better as a couple stronger as a couple well what has worked for you guys what has worked for us communication wait sex with emily says communication is lubrication got it yeah we get in trouble when we don't communicate because there's so you know there's so many different things going on and if all of a sudden i'm off one way and she's in another we're not that that causes issues. We got to communicate. Like what experiences
Starting point is 00:49:05 though? Do you feel like we love to read together? We love to travel together. We'd love to hang out with our dogs together. We're actually very much homebodies, which people wouldn't think because of social media. We like to just be together. I know that sounds weird, but laying in bed and reading a book or watching TV is like a really a special time for us to shut off because so much of our life is so out there that I think we take solace in silence time. Well, sometimes our friends that we've had for a long time think we're strange, you know, because we're maybe not as social as we used to be. But I will say like, you know, if you do four or five of these episodes a week and you're engaged with someone like we are for an hour, like so focused. I mean, you're getting five hours of it's a different type of socializing, you know, maybe you're out to dinner with a group and people are kind of going in and out of the conversation with this. And like you and I like looking at each
Starting point is 00:49:50 other and I'm like so focused. It's also, it can be draining. Does that make sense? Yeah. I mean, it sounds like you guys are, your relationships, how you guys want to be. Yeah, no, it's fine. It is. I just always, any tips, it doesn't have to be too about just our relationships, any tips that you would give to anyone in a relationship. And it even could just be a friendship. I mean, I do, I can tell you, and this isn't me plugging the book, but in best self, be only better the book I wrote, there's about like 80 exercises in it. Okay. So what's an example? So an example is looking at your values you grew up with versus your values as an adult and what values in your life have
Starting point is 00:50:26 shifted and what are your values. And I always think like self-help can be like a game and it's really interesting and you get to learn a lot about the person you're with. I mean, what stages of change you are in different things that you want to change? What level of sphere are you lowest on? What accountability could you provide for each other that would be really helpful? You know, understanding what limiting beliefs you each may have currently in your life. What's an example of a limiting belief just for anyone who's listening? An example of a limiting belief is I can't be successful unless I've completed college. Ooh, that's a good one.
Starting point is 00:51:04 Right? Or high school even. That people are only going to hire people with degrees. It's not true. I haven't looked at one degree in any of the hires I've made. I don't mean either, but people really believe this. Or they'll believe I'm not going to get a partner or be in a relationship with someone until I lose 10 pounds or I feel better about myself or I'm not smart or, you know, it's all that noise
Starting point is 00:51:27 that comes from years of story that we suddenly create these stories. So what I like about how you operate in your book is like, you have all these exercises and what it sounds to me is like us as human beings, we've, we've all developed these if then scenarios in our, in our mind, both positive and negative. If I, if I do this, then I can do this. When it's like, why can't you just do it? I was talking to one of the, a guy that mentors me a little bit and I was saying, well, one day I'm going to do this thing and it had to do with the business. And he's like, well, why don't you just do it? And I looked at him, I was like, huh? And I was like, so much of what I talk about and what we talk about on the show, but when he said
Starting point is 00:52:00 it, I was like, you're a hundred percent right. But we, you know, I created this scenario in my head where once I do this, then I can do that. And it's like, why not just do it? I can share a limiting belief on that. So I'm speaking, I just started publicly speaking at stuff. Like it's very new and I realized there's such an art to it. And, and so I'm, I got so excited that I got asked that they're flying me out and paying me to go out there next week for the Cowboys. And I started to go, I'm not that good of a speaker. And then my story was because I recently spoke at this elementary school called Buckley. It's in the Valley. Very nice. And I was like, well, you know, you're only a good, and I, after I spoke, I mean, I provide value, but I didn't feel amazing in it.
Starting point is 00:52:42 And I, I had this illusion in my head that everyone's going to be like laughing and crying all throughout my talk in order for it to be a good talk and where people are demanding to talk to me and I can't leave the room. Like I have this vision of these guys that like speak. And so I'm like, well, I'm not that good at speaking. And then I started to realize that that's a limiting belief. I haven't even done it. I've done it once. So how could it,
Starting point is 00:53:06 the not that good instead of going, and I had to look at my beliefs around what not being good meant. Does that make sense? Yeah. It's, that is a limiting belief. And it seems like with what you're doing, it's one of those things that you just constantly have to put yourself out there over and over and over and over again for you to become comfortable. There's no way around it. Right. So it's like, I would tell you, just go speak and speak and speak, and you're going to fuck up and you're going to fuck up and you're going to fuck up and you're going to do what I do and say, Ooh, I shouldn't have said that. You know, I said, I'm too much, whatever it is, but you just keep doing it to get better. Right. It's the only way it's like, you have to go through it.
Starting point is 00:53:39 I don't know where these narratives come from that we put in our mind, but they're, I mean, they're there. And I think that the biggest hack from what I'm hearing is just understanding they're there and almost disregarding them in a certain way. Yeah. And understanding it and being like, is this real? That's what I do. When I started having, I had the thought yesterday. And so I started writing about it.
Starting point is 00:53:55 I'm like, how real is this? I'm like, I'm not Tony Robbins or Gary Vee on stage. Like everyone seems to love them. You know, the people aren't calling me off the, you know, going, we need coach Mike bear coming in, you know, imagine their first time and their second time and their 800th time, you got it. You have to just throw yourself. The difference between them and everyone else is that they've thrown themselves out there a million times. The first time I spoke, I wanted to throw up everywhere and now I'm completely fine to speak, but it's like, you just have to
Starting point is 00:54:23 keep throwing yourself into the fire. What is a step someone can take to make massive change immediately? Any kind of change. Someone wants to lose weight. Someone wants to get off drugs. Someone wants to... Okay, well, I can tell you, you need a goal and a plan.
Starting point is 00:54:38 And when I say goal and a plan, it needs to be measurable. It needs to have a timeline. It needs to be possible, meaning people have been able to do it. And there needs to be measurable. It needs to have a timeline. It needs to be possible, meaning people have been able to do it. And there needs to be an outcome to it. So if I'm saying I want to lose 10 pounds in whatever period of time, I need to look at how many times a week do I go to the gym. I'm going to hold myself accountable to not eat after 9 p.m. I'm going to maybe increase this many cardios. I'm going to have an accountability partner. I always think that's one of the
Starting point is 00:55:09 most important things is having that person that's going to hold you accountable, whether it's a friend, whether it's a loved one. And that's a piece a lot of people miss is they don't have the accountability. No, they don't. They don't. They're not thinking about that. They're thinking they have to do it themselves. That's no, it's, I mean, listen, a lot of these changes may not be immediate, but I think the decision-making process to actually tell you that you're going to make the decision to change is important. A lot of people don't get there. So let's talk, let's talk about the book a little bit, because I know you got a jet in a minute. What was the motivation behind writing the book? Well, I'd never had a vision of writing a book and I wanted to put a body of work together
Starting point is 00:55:46 That was me working with someone as a life coach Where they would have like the how-to manual like a text like a playbook that they could just dig into at any time And that was universal enough that no matter what someone was working through it was like a guide to being their best self. And then Dr. Phil was like, you need to write a book ASAP. And he's like my mentor. So when Dr. Phil tells you to write a fucking book ASAP, you write a fucking book ASAP.
Starting point is 00:56:15 I know. And I would send him all these emails. I've sent him hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of emails. I mean, he's the best, the best at like giving me guidance and thought and say this. And, you know, I just started to compile it and then yeah, it came out January 8th and it's now in 15 languages, which is incredible. Yeah. Holy shit. So where can, I mean, I guess everybody can find it everywhere, huh? Well, yeah, I think so. I mean, or yeah, they can go on Amazon
Starting point is 00:56:42 or Danoba or Walmart or we'll link it in the show notes before you go. What is a book, a podcast, a resource that you recommend besides obviously your own a book or a podcast resource? Anything could be a TV show to something that you think would bring our audience tangible value. Dr. Phil has this podcast that once a week he does life lessons, a design for living podcast, super helpful tips. Like he just gave one, he has this thing that changed my life, it's called Baiters. I used to always think up until 39,
Starting point is 00:57:14 but up until about a year ago, I used to think there wasn't such thing as like good people and bad people. I was like, everyone's got a light. But you really start to understand through his living by design in this thing called Bader's that the people that you're like, well, why are they laughing? But it's not funny. And why did they tell me that? But their actions did this. And it really gives you
Starting point is 00:57:33 really clear guidelines of like who you should keep in your life and who you should keep out. I mean, I would say that's, that's a resource. That's a resource. I'm going to listen to that. I just wrote it down Bader's and it's the podcast is a design for design for living. It's really good. It's really good. All right. Where can everyone find you? Pimp yourself out. Coach Mike bear on all the socials and it's bear like the aspirin. Oh, love it. Yeah. I like that little jingle. It's bear like the Aspen. Thank you for coming on. I I'm sure your speech is going to be fucking killer. Oh no, thank you. I just wanted to show too too, that I go through it just like everyone else. Well, I think it's important to mention because I think we all do, right?
Starting point is 00:58:10 And like I said in the beginning, people can look at something or someone and be like, wow, they got it all figured out. But it's not true. Next time we see you, we will be sure to let you know how Mr. Hole is doing. And I will let you know if Mrs. Loose is doing. Thanks, Mike. All right. Thank you so much.
Starting point is 00:58:26 Before you guys go, as always, there is a giveaway for a pink sparkly pop socket. All you have to do is tag a friend who needs to listen to the Skinny Confidential podcast on my latest Instagram at the Skinny Confidential. Takes two seconds. And of course, make sure you've rated and reviewed the podcast on iTunes. Thank you guys so much for listening. We love, love, love you and we'll see you next time. This episode is brought to you by Skillshare.
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