The Skinny Confidential Him & Her Podcast - Bert Kreischer On Believing In Yourself, Never Giving Up, & What It Takes To Make It In Life

Episode Date: February 5, 2024

#656: Today, we're sitting down with Bert Kreischer, stand-up comedian, podcaster, reality television host, and actor. In 1997, he was featured in an article in Rolling Stone while attending Florida State University. The magazine named Kreischer 'the top partier at the Number One Party School in the country.' The article also served as inspiration for the 2002 film National Lampoon's Van Wilder. We're sitting down with Bert today to discuss his lengthy career in comedy, how he gets creative with his marketing tactics, and how to strategically run a comedy business. He also dives into his relationships and gives listeners tips on maintaining a loyal and loving relationship, how to know who your friends are, and how to enjoy your life as it comes.   To connect with Bert Kreischer click HERE To connect with Lauryn Evarts Bosstick click HERE To connect with Michael Bosstick click HERE Read More on The Skinny Confidential HERE To subscribe to our YouTube Page click HERE For Detailed Show Notes visit TSCPODCAST.COM To Call the Him & Her Hotline call: 1-833-SKINNYS (754-6697) This episode is brought to you by The Skinny Confidential This episode is brought to you by The Farmer's Dog It's never been easier to invest in your dog's health with fresh food. Get 50% off your first box & free shipping by going to thefarmersdog.com/skinny This episode is brought to you by Armra ARMRA Colostrum strengthens immunity, ignites metabolism, fortifies gut health, activates hair growth and skin radiance, and powers fitness performance and recovery. Visit www.tryarmra.com and use code SKINNY at checkout for 15% off your first purchase.. This episode is brought to you by Hiya Health Hiya Health fill in the most common gaps in modern children's diet to provide full-body nourishment our kids need with a yummy taste they love. Go to hiyahealth.com/skinny to receive 50% off your first order. This episode is brought to you by Hatch Hatch taps into your circadian rhythm every morning with a gradual sunrise alarm that wakes you gently. Go to hatch.co/skinny and get $20 off and free expedited shipping on a Restore Alarm Clock. This episode is brought to you by the Clean Simple Eats Clean Simple Eats protein powder is non-GMO, gluten-free, 3rd party tested, always grass-fed and made with zero artificial ingredients. You can get 10% off your first order by using code SKINNY10 at checkout at cleansimpleeats.com . This episode is brought to you by Squarespace From websites and online stores to marketing tools and analytics, Squarespace is the all-in-one platform to build a beautiful online presence and run your business. Go to squarespace.com/skinny for a free trial & use code SKINNY for 10% off your first purchase of a website domain. Produced by Dear Media  

The following podcast is a Dear Media production. She's a lifestyle blogger extraordinaire. Fantastic. And he's a serial entrepreneur. A very smart cookie. And now Lauren Everts and Michael Bostic are bringing you along for the ride. Get ready for some major realness. Welcome to The Skinny Confidential, him and her.

Aha. And so this morning I said, I'm not going to have this day not filled with gratitude. So I put my backpack on and I walked to the office from my house. I said, why do you hate yourself? Why do you hate yourself right now? What is wrong with you? And I said, let's do some affirmations. I said, what do you like about yourself? I go, you're a nice guy.

You are a nice guy. You are pretty fucking funny. And then I was like, if people like you, why can't you like yourself right now? And then a black dude jogging said the machine and fist pumped me. And I went, he likes you. You got to do something right. You gotta be doing something right. And then on that walk, I changed my mood around entirely. I walked into the office and I was fucking get, I was like, fuck yeah. We got a podcast with Julian Edelman. Let's do this.

Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the Him and Her Show. Today we have a firecracker, a rollercoaster, an insane episode with someone who's become a friend of ours, Bert Kreischer. I'm sure many of you are familiar with Bert. He's an absolute legend. For those of you that aren't, he's a standup comedian, podcaster, reality television host, and actor. In 1997, he was featured in an article in Rolling Stone,

which we talk about on this show, while attending Florida State University. The magazine named Kreischer the top partier in the number one party score in the country. The article also served as inspiration for the 2002 film Van Wilder featuring Ryan Reynolds. Today, we're sitting down with Bert to discuss his lengthy career in comedy, what it took to get the success that he now has, how he gets creative with his marketing tactics, and how to strategically run a comedy business. We also take a couple of zins on this episode, Lauren's first time slamming some nicotine. That was a little bit out of the park for her, but we got through it. And we also talk about relationships and love and how to know

who your friends are and who they aren't and just really how to enjoy life in general. Lauren and I also recently went on one of Bert's shows called Something Burning, where he cooked us an amazing lunch and where we had a great time. And like I said, we've just become big fans of Bert and have developed a friendship and really just love the guy. With that, Bert Kreischer, you legend. Welcome to the skinny confidential him and her show. This is the skinny confidential him and her. Okay.

You've come with more goodies and accoutrements and whatever. I almost brought, I almost brought Rose. You could have brought Rose. Yeah. I was going to bring Rose. So I was thinking about having a drink. So I didn't,

I haven't drank in like, I think it was 11 days i drank last night and woke up with searing anxiety this morning and then but i'm going to mexico tomorrow and so i was like i'm gonna drink then and then i was like i'll bring a bottle of rosé and then i was like ah fuck it we'll bring zins and weed what do you do when you wake up hungover because you know i I have a protocol. I want to know yours. Oh, first thing I do is sun my butthole. I knew it. I knew it. No, I have searing anxiety if I'm hungover.

Like legit searing anxiety. Today it was bad. Like what goes through your head? Like the real narrative. I felt like I had fucked up. I felt like I had talked to too many people. Oh, that was the worst. I had a moment.

That's the worst one. There's a guy I met 30 years ago. His name's David Wayne. I had a moment. That's the worst one. There's a guy I met 30 years ago. His name's David Wayne. He's a director. He was in a TV show called The State on MTV back in the 90s. Now, I want to be very specific, and I love David Wayne. Okay. I met him 30 years ago in Greece before I was into standup, and I told him I wanted to be

a standup, and he gave me his phone number. And I called that phone number when I moved to New York, and he took me to my first standup show. He brought me to his first standup and he gave me his phone number. And I called that phone number when I moved to New York and he took me to my first standup show. He brought me to his first standup show, Stella. I saw Janine Garofalo, Zach Galifianakis. I saw some of the most brilliant comedy. And that was my first night in New York. And it welcomed me into the scene. And now 30 years later, I run into a bar last night and I've done this a few times to him. And I told him, Hey man, it's me. I'm the guy that ran into you in Greece 30 years ago. And let's just put a footnote out there I'm one of the biggest comedians in the country like in that a kind of a cool like story and David Wayne

Every time just rolls his eyes goes. Yeah, I know like it's just so non pulsed by the fucking I love that. I love the kismet of the the craziness serendipity, but then he's with Joe Latrullio Joe Latrullio is a great actor. He was in the state. And I say to him, can you please introduce me to Joe? Cause I met Joe in Greece and Joe gave me what I needed. He was like, dude. And then I started quoting old state bits from 30 fucking years ago from to both of them. And I was like, shut the fuck up. But I woke up embarrassed that I was fanboyed out. I was like, I should have just not said anything. The funny thing is though, is everyone's thinking about themselves. So it

doesn't even matter. Everyone does think about themselves. Yeah. So like they probably woke up with anxiety that they said something. Do you know what I mean? I don't think, I think there's, so there's people like, and I've put David Wayne in this group. I know Segura's in this group. They're dead inside. And so they just, they don't really care. Like Tom doesn't care. Like I'm like, he really doesn't care. And it amazes me what he does care about amazes me because I do care. Like if a celebrity walked in, I would get excited.

I would, my heart would race. We ran into Anna Kendrick last night and I fucking geeked out. I geeked out. Leanne geeked out. Luckily Anna Kendrick's a cool person. She geeked out because sheanne geeked out. Luckily, Anna Kendrick's a cool person. She geeked out because she knew who I was, so it was a fun little energy. But Tom, if he was at a party,

he just would be like, who is that? Oh, yeah, Pitch Perfect. Do you really think he doesn't care? He genuinely doesn't. Is it because he's been around? No, he's not been around famous people. So when Rogan has Elon Musk on his show,

he doesn't care? Joe? There's a couple people Joee cares about like joe yeah the first time he i would imagine and i can't speak for joe at all and i would never assume to there are people that he geeked out who did he geek out about there was one he had who he had one of the like i think he had like keith maybe stones one of the stones on the on his podcast Tom wouldn't geek out over that? Definitely not music. Tom's not into music. Tom geeks out.

Okay. Tom would geek out over Daniel Ricciardo. Like a Formula One guy. Yeah. Or like a football player. Shane Gillis geeks out over football players. I geek out over the lowest grade of celebrity you could ever imagine. I kind of like it though.

It's self-aware. But here's the deal. I'm also older than both you guys and I'm older than Tommy and Shane. Celebrity was really hard to come by when I was a kid. The biggest celebrity I ever met was Gary Yipremian. Do you know who that is? No. He was the place kicker for the Bucs.

Okay. So I just thought- What if I came in and was like, I know exactly that it just went on a tangent. Dude, I remember the first time I ever saw myself on a commercial for my TV show on like it just ran

and I went, shut, I'm on TV. Like I'm on TV. That's pretty fun. That still blows me away. If I see myself on TV, I go, shut, like I,

if I see a billboard for myself, I'm doing the forum May 11th and we just went to the forum to see the Eagles and we're sitting in the forum club. By the way, both of you guys are invited. I'd love to have you. I want to go. And the forum club 11th and we just went to the forum to see the eagles and we're sitting in the forum club by the way both you guys are invited i'd love to have you i want to go and the forum club's fucking amazing i was geeking out over celebrities in the forum club because it's all celebrities i was like shut the fuck up but then my picture came up burke reicher's at the forum and i was like

holy shit that's me like i love it i don't know and i know it's not cool and sexy to say because i've read comments and i know i don't read them now but i it's not cool and sexy to say, because I've read comments, and I know, I don't read them now, but I have read in the past, that people, fans, internet fans don't want you to care about celebrity. But you know, but the thing is, is like we just had your wife on, and I told you she killed it, but she really did.

And I think after hearing your story and her story and how long it took, this makes a ton of sense. And we were talking about how some people get like internet famous, like that real quick. Who knows how long it took this makes a ton of sense and we were talking about how some people get like internet famous yeah like that real quick who knows how long they stay but they can't appreciate it as much because they don't you know what i mean it's like it's just like all of a sudden something goes viral and you're known you're like riding this wave and you don't have you you personally have all of the years and the struggle on the back and like

being broke and, and struggling to make it as a comedian. You're leading me into the best question I've ever been asked. Oh my God. That you don't know what the question is. I'm just going to answer it. Please do. So what's fascinating about what you're saying is I'm going to share, I'm going to overshare

and I apologize to my daughters. We'd love an overshare. Go for it. My daughter, Georgia said to me, it's so, and we were just skiing and she said to me in a private moment, it's so good to have you back. And I didn't really, I just, she goes, I missed you. And I was like, yeah, she's been to college. And then she said it again, like you've been gone for a while.

And what, so what happened is 2017, I think is when the machine story went viral. I worked so hard and not not did not succeed for so long When did you start working officially? Don't my 26th birthday is the first day I started doing stand-up every night and got a job doing stand-up Okay, my 26th birthday and at 44 I think maybe 45. I had my first taste of six real success I'd had TV shows. No one ever watched them. They never rated no one ever like I did Letterman, but yeah No one even know 20. They never rated. No one ever, like I did Letterman, but yeah, no one ever, 20 years easily, easily 20 years. And then the machine story went viral. I started selling tickets. And what happened is it's almost like putting a person

who's been stranded at sea at a fucking smorgasbord. I ate myself sick. I got, I was like, you cannot get me off the road. You want to offer me a special done. You offer me a TV show done. You want to offer me a movie done. I'll say yes to everyone. I'm going to show up on time and I'm going to fucking burn it. You want to, you're telling me next this year, you want me to do an arena tour. You want me to tour Europe, tour Australia, tour New Zealand, release a movie, release a special, put out a tour, do a fully loaded at sea cruise, do red rocks, and then finish the year in a arena tour, done, no problem. What I didn't realize is that I had blinders on and I was ignoring everything that mattered for my career because I'd never had success. And so I thought

it's going away. I got to get it all. I was eating it in a panic, in a frenzy. And so I think just recently, and I think you guys ran into me when I wasn't drinking. Last time we hung out. We're not drinking. Yeah, I was not drinking. But I didn't drink for an extended period of time. And I think I slowed down and I started realizing, oh shit, I've been a vacant human. Like I've been there from the outside looking in. And for the most part, I was around.

But like during the pandemic, you know, my, my special hits and immediately I'm in, I'm in like, I'm angsty. Like, what am I not going to tour during the pandemic? And so my things like create a tour. Everyone else is staying home with the families. I create a drive-in movie theater tour that I get awards for. It's great. It's, it's what you're supposed to do.

Right. But I leave my family, go out and risk the pandemic. And I'm in a tour bus living with six dudes in a bubble for, for roughly the majority of the pandemic did 39 cities. We did 80 shows. I mean, it was like, but I think when you talk about these kids who get success young as internet famous, a lot of them, I felt wasted it and would be like, it'll be here forever. This is what I do. I'm famous. I was chosen by the Lord to be famous and successful because I've got the thing. Well, I am hyper aware. I don't got the thing. I don't have it. I never had it. It's a fickle little energy that's out in the universe of why people like you and why people decide that you're, they're a fan of yours. And if you don't appreciate it and

give it to them as much as you can, this is how I lived. Then you're not, you're not appreciating the universe. You're not giving back to the universe. And so I went after it. And now for the first time, like I'll do a tour cause I'm doing a special in July, but then I'm taking a break, like a real break, like an eight month break from doing stand-up and i've never done that i'm taking a break from doing everything to be like a try to be a present human being so when your daughter says do you you're back she means you're not vacant i'm not leveraging distracted my moments with them for content yeah i'm not trying to sell tickets. I don't have her holding a GoPro or running a drone. I mean, this is how my brain operated. It's one of

my favorite promos I've ever done in my entire life. I got really good at promos. Being in control of your own career is the most powerful thing any entertainer can do. That's what these internet kids forget sometimes. No disrespect to them, but they post and shoot content. They're in charge of their own career. They don't have managers and agents trying to tell them what to do. That's the paradigm we were in before. But what happens is they do it and then they just go, I got it. I got it. Well, it is a very powerful thing to be a comedian and not to rely on your promoter and to have them say, yo, you're going to do Red Rocks. It's 10,000 seats right Right now you can only move 5,000, but let's see if you can do it. I love that challenge. I love that

challenge. Put me in arenas. I love arenas. You know why? First of all, you can do bottom bowl and make great money. But if you start pulling back curtains, which is where I'm at now, where you're filling out the whole arena, doing Boston Garden to the top, to the ceiling, selling every ticket, you get great money. But I love the challenge. I love the challenge. And I would do, when I was doing clubs, they'd be like, yo, we want to add a Sunday show, added two Sunday shows. And I'd be like, great, I got it. And I was so lost in the, actually don't do that. It's good money, but I want to come home Sunday and spend time with my family. That what I then would do would be like, Hey, everyone outside. I remember this is a true story. I took my family outside.

They added two Sunday shows. And I said, not a problem. I'll sell those tickets tonight. I got the girls outside. George operated a drone. Isla had the hose. Leanne had a leaf blower. I was in a Speedo. I had the American flag going. Bob Seger reveals me with the American flag in the Speedo. And then my whole family holding all the objects. It's a great promo to Rambling Gambling Man. And it sold out Sunday in 15 minutes. But I loved having that control in that process. I didn't ask if anyone had homework.

I didn't ask what bedtime was, what we were doing for dinner. I just was like, I got to move tickets because that pays the bills. I think what's so cool about you and your wife, it's interesting interviewing you guys back to back is that you both are incredibly self-aware and hyper aware of how you are as parents and what, what you didn't do right and how you could do it better. Now it's interesting. A lot of, a lot of people are just kind of like, I've done, I've done everything right. There's accountability factor. I did all I could. Or, or in my case, and I'm not, I'm not talking about Tom specifically, but I kind of am. It's like when you talk about like, like so many parents, like Tom's got a couple nannies, right?

And like, we didn't have nannies growing up. I mean, we had like one that would come to when Leanne was at work, but like we couldn't afford her. She told us when she came on the show that like you were nine to five until you went and she, yeah, like she told us the whole thing. So, so sometimes when you hear like a parent killing it, that is one of my friends that has a ton of money. I'm like, I bet you are, but are you like, did not, and I'm not saying this about Tom,

but like, but like, are you, are you like the killing it? Like the dad in Omaha who, you know, like that's my old, my old thing is like, are you, are you like the killing it? Like the dad in Omaha who, you know, like that's my old, my old thing is like, you see sometimes parents who get a lot of opportunities to have nannies and have help. And, and they're like, yeah, I'm killing it as a parent. And you're like, yeah, you are, you definitely are. But like, but like, you got to realize there are parents that are killing it in different ways. And I always judge myself by that dad in Omaha because that's, we were poor parents. So I was like, I'm super critical of myself. I think it's so hard to be a parent.

I, I, I never feel like I'm killing it. It's so hard. I think. And full disclaimer, we have nannies and we still don't feel like we're killing them. No. And like, I also think as a woman, like you're expected to, sometimes it feels like to stay home. People ask me if I have nannies, but not him.

It's, it's, it's a lot. Oh, it's a lot. You have to stay home. People ask me if I have nannies, but not him. It's a lot. Oh, it's a lot. You have to make sacrifices. Listen, if you are blessed enough to have a nanny, that I can't imagine. I mean, Leanne was telling us how you'd walk to Trader Joe's with your girls and you would get dinner and you guys would like, but I mean, I look at that and I'm like, wow, you really showed up. He was a present dad.

And then when it's time for you to kickstart your career and press the gas, you had to press the gas. You have to do what you got to do. That's what I said. But then, but then, you know, everyone's perspective and everyone's hindsight is 2020 and everyone looks at you and goes, yeah, but remember when I had my period and then you told the world about it and you're like, like, yeah, but it was so good and you're like i know that that was really weird that i did that but but it was like it was so funny like don't you understand that daughter isla

and is she still mad no no no she wasn't even mad when it happened she so i filmed this is this is my flaw as a parent i will tell you that i filmed her entire period party what's the period party i didn't have a period party this is why i talked about it on my netflix no one has a period party i didn't have a period party throw me a fucking period party thank you bitch this fucking child was what 12 years old called me from school was like yo it happened so what she goes i got my period and i was like oh shit what do you need like new clothes new socks to get your socks like what i don't know like i don't know anything about period. She was no, I'm fine.

Mom gave me a go bag, but I need you to go to the store and get a red velvet cake. I was like, what? She was throwing a period party tonight. I was like, wait, what the fuck's that? She goes, it's a party to celebrate my period. We're going to name it. We're going to invite a bunch of girls. Everybody needs to get all red stuff.

So like get cool, go get pasta, get everything red. And then we're going to, and then we're all gonna wear red and then we're gonna buy two boys we're not gonna tell them why they're there and so that'll be the fun laugh it's really funny funny oh my gosh did you hear that isla that's why i told it so like i it happens i go to conan like two nights later and conan's like conan's like so what's going on i'm just bullshit with conan and i said yeah fucking dude isla my youngest threw a period party the other night he's like wait oh i thought you were gonna say you did this on your so you did this on conan i did it on socials i put it on socials that night like i put it in my stories is right right when stories are blowing up i put it in my stories

i then talked about it on conan and it was it went viral like 20 million views within 24 hours because every girl wants a period party well okay so but they don't want conan to talk about it to 20 million people i wouldn't have cared but i understand some people do care about that she saw it and she was like and you know it's so funny someone just told me that damon waynes jr had said something to a friend of mine about his dad talking about him jerking off as a kid and he was like yo i yo, I'm like fucking 12. Can you not tell my school? I jerk off. And so he, I, by the way, I don't know. I'm sure that's fine. But I love when she saw it on Conan was like, whoa, do people watch this? And I was like, yeah, she was like a lot. And I was like, oh yeah. And then she was not cool with it the first night. She was a little

worried. And then I was worried. I was like, man, I really fucked up. And then the next day we got emails from people who saw it went it went viral we got emails from little girls saying hey this is my name's brenda i'm writing this for my daughter hannah thank you so much isla for letting your dad share your story hannah got her period last night i showed her the video and tonight we're we're throwing a period party for her and we just want to let you know, we named her period Doug. So like the Island named her period, like everyone named Jason because she got it on Friday the 13th.

How do you, how do you not share this fucking content? Right. As a dad, as a dad who's in the business of content, the business of entertainment, how do you not share that story? It's so fucking

funny and then but then there's been other times like she you know the girls are very hyper aware how social media works so for isla's 16th birthday her whole life for whatever reason she said at 16 we get to curse and i was like that's not the rule she goes no it's the rule dad 16 kids can care if they curse i didn't care i'm they cursed, but I didn't care. And Leanne just thought it was a funny thing, but I talked about it. So on her 16th birthday, I get a bunch of DMs from fans like, yo, what's Isla's first curse word? So I'm sitting at dinner with Isla and Leanne.

We're having a party at her house. I put up the phone. I go, Isla, it's your 16th birthday party. You can start cursing. What's your first curse word going to be? She's eating cake. She looks at Leanne and goes, cunt. And it fucking I put I just post it Vic posts is on on TikTok and that night I'm in bed and Isla comes down to my room she goes yo you got to pull that down I was like what she goes it's gotten six million

views and I was like hold on wait what it's got I'm I have tickets to sell I'm like for real I'm like I should have put fucking tour dates on the end of it, God damn it. Like in my head, right? She's like, no, dad, I do not want to be the cunt girl. And I said, what do you mean? She goes, what'll happen is people take that audio, like they did with Miranda Cosgrove.

Just pull it. Yeah, and they'll pull it, and then they'll voiceover her going cunt, and then she'll be the cunt girl for the rest of her life. So she said, pull it. And so. She is right her going, cunt. And then she'll be the cunt girl for the rest of her life. So she said, pull it. And so. She is right. Let me tell you, I haven't learned.

Because the other day, we were at the beach during the big waves, the big waves that were here. And Isla got taken by a wave and not swept out to sea. I saw that. That was so fucking funny. It has 16.7 million views on Instagram. Let me see it. I want to pull it up.'s going viral i only saw you viral in mexico she was like a good like she didn't seem that she might that's isla is isla's like the coolest if you go to my stories it's i i'm sure it's in there here i'll just show it to you she looks fun but she looks happy there

yeah but that's she was happy knowing that he's not going to post it. No, no. She ended up... She had to know at this point that you're going to post it. Well, at that point, when I did it, I posted it. She posted it to her Instagram. She's like, send me that video. I'm going to post it.

Posted it to her TikTok. She got a burner account. Mine went insane the second we posted it. It was just like... You can tell... I can tell Instagram videos, if you're getting in the 10,000 second we posted it, it was like, just like, you can tell, I can tell Instagram videos. If you're getting in the 10 thousands by the minute, then you got a good video, like 10,000 first minute, 20,000 second minute, 30.

Then I go, oh, this is going to track to 2.5 million. It's like a big video for me. Usually that one was that one 16.7 million right now. And it's been two weeks. Is she mad? Well, I also learned the hard way. You just don't share how viral it's going anymore. Yeah, you have to act blasé.

That's the whole thing. I'm like, what? $16.7? The problem is you get too excited, and then they're like, why are you excited? That's a woman. Let me ask you this first. You should just act aloof. I've always wondered, because post-30 30 my hangovers feel like the devil's living

inside my head how do you keep such a heavy pace and party like that and how are you still alive is what i mean i can't even if i smell alcohol now post 30 i'm hungover for a week yeah but you're kind of a puss about it no you could be a puss about it. No. You could be a puss. I'm, I'm, I'm, I mean. Fine, but still. You're a little. If I, if you told me like, hey, you can do this, you're going to have to go on a bender for a week.

We talked about this. We're going to bender for a week. I'm going on a bender starting tomorrow in Mexico. I like a good week bender, but if like, but if you tell me I have to do this and then work at the same time

for four months. Yeah, how do you do that? That's gnarly. I don't know. Because like I can do the bender. You're just built like that. But I'm not working. No, I'm very punitive.

So I wake up with very mean voices in my head telling me what I deserve. And you got what you deserved. And if you, listen, man, you want to live this life, that's real cool. But get to the gym right now. Get on the treadmill. You're not going to like it. No one likes it. Hey, you might be having a stroke on the treadmill. We don't know. You asked for it though, buddy. This is your life.

And so I just get up and get after it. Like this morning I woke up with searing anxiety. I was told them I came in. I was like, was that yes? No, no, no. Yesterday I came into a bad mood, but you don't get headaches and no headaches, no headaches. I feel, if anything, I feel smaller. Like I can't see, like today I got out, I hung over, not super bad, but not feeling great. Made a coffee, took my blood pressure medication. And then I said, I need to be outside. And I, it's very funny you say this because this morning I got out and I said, fuck, because when I stopped drinking, I really found gratitude and joy in everything. I saw it, I saw it and I felt it. And I hadn't felt that in a very long time. I was afraid I lost it when I started drinking again. But then I found out that if you don't drink for one night, that gratitude and joy shows

up in a day or two, it shows up. You just got to wait it out. You got to sit through the uncomfortableness of one day I'm not drinking. And then just, it shows up. And so this morning I said, I'm not going to have this day not filled with gratitude. So I put my backpack on and I walked to the office from my house down our street. And I kept going, I said, why do you hate yourself? Why do you hate yourself right now? What is wrong with you? And I said, let's do some affirmations. I said, what do you like about yourself? I go, you're a nice guy. You are a nice guy. You are pretty fucking funny. And then I was like, if people like you, why can't you like yourself right now? And then a black dude jogging said the machine and fist bump me. And I went, he likes you. You got to do something

right. You gotta be doing something right. And then on that walk, I changed my mood around entirely. I walked into the office and I was fucking getting, I was like, fuck yeah, we got a podcast with Julian Edelman. Let's do this. Oh, I can't wait. I'm going down to skinny. Fuck yeah, this is going to be there. Hey, I get to drink tomorrow. We're going to fucking Mexico. How great is this? Oh, I wonder I'm getting vape pens to Mexico. Like I just got really, I changed my narrative in my head this afternoon. I had the one thing, my dad had surgery yesterday. I go, your dad's still alive. Like I just pointed out all the things I have to be grateful for. And then I started, I really love trees. Like I love trees. And I started seeing all the trees on my street and I was like, God damn it. They've been

waiting for you this whole time. Someone planted them and they're just waiting for you to love them I was like these trees are fucking awesome have you ever read Louise Hay I don't know who she is she's I'm gonna text you all her stuff everything you said is her you literally the way you talk to yourself is how you come off like you're the way you're talking to yourself is you're you're basically making your future by your thoughts oh I, I believe in, I believe in what you put out in the universe comes back to you. And I always say the things I want out loud. And I tell you what I want to do out loud, even as, as foolish as it may sound, like, I love that. I love that. I, you know, I, I, and when I was, when the girls were young, people would say,

how are you doing? And I was working for travel Channel at the time, kind of a thankless job. It was good. It was good money. It was really good money, but it wasn't like no one was watching my show. It wasn't getting me anywhere. It was like being a stripper. It was a lot of fun, but I had no future. And I used to tell people, they go, how are you doing?

I go tired. And then I wondered one day if by me saying tired, if that made me tired. And then I changed it and people said, how are you doing? And I said, fucking amazing. I'm having one of the best days of my life. And then I started realizing that permeates and it fills you with having a much better day. And by the way, one of the affirmations I said today is any day you're here is a great

day. What the fuck are you doing? Any day you're sitting here is a great fucking day. She said every mirror you walk by, you should say, I love you and look yourself right in the eye give me so much shit when i do it i never met you well you just fucking stare at the mirror and look at your hairline i know he will be kissing me in the elevator and the mirror behind the elevator looking at himself i'm affirming myself it's honestly outrageous that he look you do look in the mirror a lot i'm affirming myself i'm gonna take it to the next level that will really creep you out.

Can't wait. So if I'm having a beat up day about myself, I'll go to the mirror and give myself a kiss. Oh, wow. I like it. I do it all the time. I like it. I go in and I go. I like it.

I say, I like you, buddy. I love you a lot. And I kiss myself on the lips. I have to. What I try to explain is I have to exercise a lot of demons out of this mind and if it means i have to look in the mirror do something weird like the other day he told me he goes oh i was taking a shower looking at my naked body and my hairline and i'm like what who says this what did you say what did you say i said i was looking at my cock it was

i totally ended the day i have a beautiful dick i was looking at it i was like i look fucking good when i lost weight my dick got bigger and all of a sudden i'm like looking at this dick and i go you gotta love this i'm on the huberman what's it called the fadoja oh my god what's it called what's the stack that he recommends holy shit oh fuck what's it called um we had sex last night the fadoja on this stuff that huberman recommends I was like what is going on I'm taking it from rhinoceros by no no it felt like you were on by I know it's um it's a natural step I'm gonna send it to you after this and I it's for you if anyone just searches like Huberman tests it's a natural supplement stack but that

it works I'm really momentous makes you have to cycle on and off it but instead of having to take like it's pumping blood anyway our sex is fucking insane we heard all about it tell us about how you guys are dating oh tell us about the hotel room tell us about the car yeah tell us about the car we went deep with her oh that was the fuck that was the day everything changed that was the day everything changed i don't know i don't know what her story is but i'll tell you the real story. I was in the middle of pushing it and grinding it, right? Doing the movie, doing the movie, promoting the movie, doing a whole day of press junkies.

I go to the store. I do three spots at the store. Leanne's with me. And we go to Saddle Ranch. I love Saddle Ranch. We go to Saddle Ranch for dinner. Have dinner. We just talk about nothing.

I have a couple of drinks. Go to the bathroom. She goes to the bathroom. We're getting ready to leave. And as she's walking out, a couple walks into the bathroom, a guy and a girl. She goes, they're going in to have sex. I said, yeah. She goes, can you believe that? I said, yeah, they're young. That's what young people do. They fuck. She was like, what? I said, very casually. I said, we used to be like that. She's like, what? And then Leanne processes. We drive over the hill. We get into the driveway. And she pulls the car under the carport, which is weird.

We don't normally park under our carport. I go, what are you doing? She's like, we're still young. And then she takes off all her clothes and fucks my brains out. I'm talking old school Leanne. Old school. Old school Leanne. When she gets real turned on on her lip goes like Elvis like

like and and I was I honestly I first thought I had was she cheated on me she cheated on me she's trying to win me back something she's got guilty of something no one does this for nothing and from that moment on she was a brand new person I mean brand new person I said to her last night I don't know if she shared this with you I said to her last night. I don't know if she shared this with you. I said to her last night tonight Every time we have sex but tonight you do two new things that fucking blow my mind I think I thanked her. I said, thank you for whatever happened to you because you're doing stuff That is put that you've never done. That is the sexiest thing i've seen every Fucking time she does something new i wish i could tell you in detail what we did but it was the fucking hottest shit we get like a new tip but what if

people are at home they need a tangible takeaway can we get a tip like a new thing that she did we can edit it out no no no no did she work the taint no no no no no no i'll tell you i'll tell you what she did one time which this was like one of the things where it started where she taylor's literally masturbating right she like she's never been good at hand jobs like i talked about it on a special like i've i hate to break it you guys a lot of girls aren't good at hand jobs the problem is is it's never going to be better than your own hand job because yeah i'm pretty good yeah yeah you guys are good and you have a different angle i got my 10 000 hours put in yeah and so so one night malcolm gladwell expert level one night we got on well i was born in january i one night that's a really inside cut deep cut to the malcolm

gladwell book most hockey players are born in january out of canada guys anyway so one night we like fool around i give her an orgasm and then usually that's how it goes she has an orgasm then I have one I give her an orgasm and then she doesn't have sex with me she like pulls guard I don't know if you do jujitsu she she like she I don't know what the fuck she did she got got on like a, she got like a cross body hold on me of something, my dick in one hand. And, and she, and by the way, she sucked on my nipple. She has never done. And I had an orgasm within five seconds.

And I was like, I was like, huh? I go, what the fuck did you just do? And she just, it's the different human. And every fucking night I, last night she did two things new that I've never done with her. And I'm like, I told her, I said, thank you. I don't know what happened to you, but thank you. You're making me, I never talked during sex.

I never talked during sex. My whole life. I never talked during sex because I was just uncomfortable in sex. I didn't know I wasn't free. I wasn't genuinely free having sex with people. And I realized the other night I'm talking and I'm talking dirty and I love it. And I, and I really enjoy it, but I feel safe enough with her to talk dirty during sex. And I told her, I said, I'm talking during sex. Like how crazy is that? She's like,

yeah, you've really loosened up. I was like, you have shown me a side of you that I never knew was there that I feel safe trying things. I've tried things with her that I've never tried with anybody. And I'm like, this is, and by the way, we've been married 20 fucking years and this just showed up. It's almost like I got a girlfriend while still having a wife because I get to have sex with this fucking wildcat who is like honestly game for anything she told us that she talked to a friend of their or yours yeah yeah yeah and they said you got to start

dating like you had to do the things you would not date night not date night but dating dating buy lingerie shave your toes huh yeah yeah yeah yeah shave your mustache she she she was i went to vietnam with her friends and her friend shiva shared with her you know i just date my i date my husband leanne's like we're married yeah we date we go out and date and she's like no i date him like you know like we plan things out and what's funny is is i sometimes forget we're dating and like last night we went to a premiere party or whatever and I get very uncomfortable so I just go I'm gonna just beeline in and she was like yo I'm your wife we're dating slow down hold my hand I'm in heels be my wife be my be my husband be my

boyfriend and I was like oh that's right I'm if I was not dating my if I was single and I was brought a girl to this, there's no way I would have been like, you find your way in. I'm going to fucking find the bar. You guys do get a little rusty and lazy as you get on. I think everybody gets a little rusty and lazy. I was not rusty last night. In fact, I'm going to give myself a 10 out of 10 Leanne style last night.

Yeah. Yeah. Don't. Sounds good. Yeah. When was the last time you tried something new? Last night. I'm telling you that mixture, whatever, whatever Andrew Huberman's telling the guys to take, I'm telling you.

We had a guy on the podcast. It's not a joke. You got to write a handwritten note to some, like people have, I'm just going to write Andrew a note. Like, here, Andrew, thank you so much for my new testosterone. I'm texting him right now. Say, what's that testosterone mixture? It's like, it's not TRT. It's like a...

No, because... Hey, what's the cocktail you have for sex? Hey, you know, Momentous makes it. Momentous.com slash skinny. There you go, free one. Now everyone's going to go get it. See, because that's the ad. Quick break to talk about

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And we talked all about Colostrum, specifically Armour Colostrum, which she is the founder of. For those of you that don't know what Colostrum is, Colostrum is the first nutrition we receive in life and contains all of the essential nutrients our bodies need in order to thrive. Lauren and I have been taking Armour Colostrum pretty much every single day since we've talked to Dr. Sarah. Our kids take it. We both take it. We have it morning and night. I put it in smoothies, especially during a time when we're trying to boost our immune systems and seal our gut barriers. Not only just our gut barriers, but basically all the body's barriers, which we talk about in the episode we do to the Dr. Sarah. Arma is a proprietary concentrate of bovine colostrum that harnesses over 400 living bioactive nutrients that rebuild

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first thing that they want even before water is their vitamin. It's so cute. Towns wants one, Zaza wants one, and they always want Haya Health. Their vitamins are absolutely amazing. They taste so good. And I know this because I've actually tried them. My daughter is obsessed with the pink and my son likes green because he's having a real moment with the Grinch. So everything's green. I personally like Haya as a mom because everything's made with zero sugar and zero gummy shit. And it tastes great and it's perfect for picky eaters. It also has vitamin D, B12, C, zinc, folate, and many others to support immunity, energy, brain function, and mood. I also think personally, it's really important as parents, at least to me, to create like little

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skinny and get your kids the full body nourishment they need to grow into healthy adults. Is it true that Van Wilder is based off of you? Yeah, but I don't really like, there's no way to really prove it. But yeah, like I've been told by people that were worked on the movie that my article was the inspiration. Okay, so they're like, this guy's just partying his face off. Yeah. So how do you even get an article? Okay.

How does that happen? How does somebody write it? Because we know a lot of people that party, but how do you get somebody to go like, this guy really parties? Let's put a new Zen in. That's a good question. I've never seen the Zen.

Just walk through what you're doing really quick. It's nicotine, right? Just straight nicotine. It's nicotine. Andrew Heapman approves. He approves. I love fucking nicotine Oh I love it Try one

I love it so much Try one I haven't done So if I haven't done one I'm just gonna like Am I gonna go fucking Here start with the rogue What's the difference between a rogue

They're a little softer And they're sweeter They taste better Just put it under the lip Just put it in your lip And you can swallow But don't swallow the zen But just sit with it

What's the zen? The packet? Don't swallow the packet You can swallow the thing You't swallow the Zen. But just sit with it. What's the Zen? The packet? The packet. Don't swallow the packet. You can swallow the thing. You can swallow this. It looks like you guys are smuggling cocaine in your lip, though. It's so sexy. But you don't have to worry about the tobacco.

No. It's just nicotine. It delivers nicotine. Nicotine's a stimulant, and you definitely feel. You feel it's the best feeling in the world. By the way, that cigar you gave me last night was so goddamn good. Oh, good, good, good. I'm glad you liked it.

Wait, what does nicotine feel like? I'm not a smoker. Like, I don't understand. It'll make you a little dizzy or a little tingly, but you fire hot. Like, your brain

kind of like wakes up. And it's good for you? Well, Huberman said so. I think nicotine for using it for focus and stuff like that is probably pretty good.

Let me try one of those. Can I try one? The tobacco industry thinks so too. Yeah. You want to try one, Taylor? No. Have you tried one? I can't handle something like that. Should I be scared? No, just definitely, they can be intense. Yeah, you'll be fine. Can I try? It's a rogue. They're not that bad. Yeah, or an Atari.

I used to hit nicotine pretty hard, so I'm wondering if I can upgrade this. It just goes under? It just hangs out. And then, and let it, let it activate. Your saliva will get it. Have a sip of water. And then all of a sudden you'll feel it. I don't think I can do the whole thing.

I think I'll be too sensitive, right? No, no, no, no, no. You might love it. I feel like you look really kind of strange with it. No, no, you look really cool. Is it one of the ones you're not supposed to swallow? You look like a Swedish chick. Why?

What is a Swedish chick? Swedish chicks. Get it in there. Swedish chicks love these. Suck it in deep. You look like a Swedish chick. Why? What is a Swedish chick? Get it in there. A Swedish chick loves these. Suck it in deep. Yeah. Swedish chicks love them. Okay, so you're partying and somebody's just like,

I got to write an article on this guy's party ethics? So Rolling Stone Magazine wanted to write an article about Florida State. Florida State was the number one party school in the country. They wanted to write an article about the college. So they called like four or five people, said, yo, we want to write an article about your, your schools or like someone that we could, would show us around that knows a diverse group of people, not just their friends. All of them said, Bert, I happen to have partied with all of them the night before two of them thought I was prank calling them. Wait, what is partying look like

though for you? Is it like, it must be like on crack no no it was it was just i was a large personality like i drank i had a good time but i was the fun guy at the bar i wasn't i was original fun not like hacky fun like doing the the you know like the that guy the was the sprinkler dance or whatever no i'm starting the lawnmower i didn't't have those jokes. I had like, I was a fun guy. I was a really fun guy. Like Tennessee street would be packed. Bars would be out. And I'd climb up to the top of a telephone pole and yell, I'm having a post-party at my house. I have weed and I have mushrooms and cops would be like this. And I'd be like, do not tell the cops where I live. You know where I live. If you don't ask someone, they'll tell you, but do not tell the cops. I have a lot of drugs at my house and the cops would be like, hold on, where do you live? And I'd be like, I'm not telling you. And so I was fun. I was, I was, I would plan parties. I

would plan, I planned a party called Oonga Oonga Baloonga where we, it was a big party that we would, we would go to a sorority house at dinner and tell them there's a party in two hours. I still do that. I mean, I'm doing a calling sick to work show in Austin on Winston Churchill's birthday. So I'll address. When?

I celebrate. It's the day he died. I celebrate January 24th. I celebrate Winston Churchill's the day he died every year. Just randomly or just? I'm being Winston Churchill. It's in Austin? I want to come.

It's in Austin. It's at Joe's Club. It's sold out in like five minutes. We've still never been there, but I heard it's incredible. It's amazing Austin. I want to come. It's in Austin. It's at Joe's Club. It's sold out in like five minutes. We've still never been there, but I heard it's incredible. It's amazing. But I wake up, I have breakfast the way Winston Church. I love to eventize life. Okay.

So I wake up. In the bath. I have, I spend roughly two hours in bed with a meal prepared the way Winston Churchill had, ham, bacon, two eggs over sunny side up, toast, jam, coffee, a soft scotch and a cigar. And I read the paper and I sit in there and then I go take a bath for another hour and I have another cigar and have another cocktail. And then I drink champagne at lunch and I have some cognac at the end of lunch and I just celebrate the way Winston Churchill does. And so when we come to partying and the way I look at this business or my brand,

for lack of better words, I like to throw cool parties. I think my fans trust me to throw fun things that makes their life fun. So for Winston Churchill, we're all going to go to Joe's Club at noon. Everyone's calling in sick to work. No one's showing up at work that day. And they're planning it out. And then we will start drinking hard at noon. I'm dressing like Winston Churchill. I have a pinstripe old suit with a- No one's favorite colors. No. Pink and brown. I didn't know that. We need to get you some pink. Oh, please. I'll have a pink little pocket corsage. But I love to eventize life. And so

in college, I would just eventize things. I would make things fun. I would make things fun for my friends and for a lot of people I didn't know. And so I think I got known as that guy. I was funny. I was fun. I was loose. I knew a lot of people. And so they came to Florida State.

They stayed with me for a week. And at the end of the week, he wrote an article based on the college. And I think the editor of Rolling Stone, Jan Werner, said, just make it about this kid. Like, this kid seems funny. Let's just make it about this kid. Call him the number one party animal in the country. At the number one party school. At the number one.

It took Burt Kreischer six and a half years to become the man he is today. The number one party animal at the number one party school in the nation. And it was, I mean, this is what a meathead I am when I read that. I cried. I was like, he knows a meathead I am. When I read that, I cried. I was like, he knows me, he gets me. And so Oliver Stone's company optioned the rights to my life. I tried to stand up for the first time. And then I moved to New York and started doing standup. And that was like kind of my introduction. I always look at like guys like Tommy so enviously that they

had the balls to try it with no major publication behind them. You know, cause I, I tried it when everyone's like, you should try it, but most comics just try it when no one says they should try it. And that's like the majority of comics. What is the hardest thing about starting as a comic? I was talking to your wife. I said, I think it's the hardest form of art form because we can like shoot the shit here and do this. You can write a book or an art, but you're just doing it in your own kind of protected

environment. Can I just ask what I'm supposed to do with this really quick? Just sit there. You just sit there. I'm not used to having something in my mouth and just sitting here. So I just sit here and just let it dissolve. Yeah. And then what?

You pull it out? Yeah, you pull it out when you're on another one. But how do you know when it's dissolved? No, you'll start tasting the flavor. Do you taste the flavor yet? Yeah, it tastes like a cigarette. No, it's... What?

I'm really sensitive to cigarettes. Little underline. No, I swear. She doesn't know how to smoke cigarettes. It does. It tastes like a little undertone of a Capri. Oh, I love Capris. Yeah, just a little bit.

It doesn't taste anything like cigarettes. Wait, so what does it taste like? Cherry. Cherry cigarette. I don't like cherry cigarettes. You're smoking cigarettes like Cat Williams. Wait, so how do you know when to take it out? When you're done. When you're done. How do you cherry cigarettes you're smoking cigarettes at Cat Williams wait so how do you know when to take it out

when you're done when you're done how do you know when you're done when you start feeling like you're like I think I'm done with this or I don't feel

a feeling anymore what's it supposed to feel like you should just feel a little bit like a little loose a little bit like headbutts a little bit

a little like I don't know I feel it I think you feel it I bet you feel it I feel it is that one you can swallow or do you have to spit it all out? You can swallow it. Can I try one then?

Yes. Wait, wait, hold on. Because you can swallow it, you want to try it? Yeah, because those ones that you can't swallow, if you swallow it, it'll make you puke. You just told me I can't swallow it. No, this one you can swallow it. You don't swallow the actual thing. No, no, no.

Did you swallow the thing? No, no, no. Okay. Don't swallow the pouch. What do you mean don't swallow what? You can swallow your saliva. You can swallow the saliva, but there's other ones that you have to spit you're supposed to spit it out it's kind of interesting wait i just have a one more question before you answer that question so how long though is this typically in your mouth 30 minutes oh so it's a long time yeah yeah i'm

not taking it it's a slow release of nicotine into your blood system and it you you should feel it if you're not feeling it right now you'll feel it in 30 seconds but it should just feel like a little light a little loose a little light-headed like a little bit of a buzz this with the coffee in the morning is like journal central journal central where you start writing all your thoughts you're like i am afraid of hate and then you'll write a page about hate and then you're like wow that was fucking deep so it's like a little it's like a little it's a stimulant if i have this i'll talk even more no no no no don't i'll be on go ahead and answer the question i don't remember the question the question i was saying is like when you're starting out because i think it's so like can you take take a sip of water? Yeah, of course. And you're okay.

I guess maybe there's some people that start out. I don't know. Maybe not. There's some people that maybe start and they just like fucking kill it right away. But for those that don't, I was telling you what, I feel like this particular occupation washes so

many talented people out because it's so hard to get through all the shit more non-talented probably sure but i'm saying even talented people that just like they they can't get the break and just oh i i said we were in somewhere in the south and i saw comedy zone which is one of the chains of clubs and i to myself, I was doing the arena there. And I thought, I can't believe I made it through this system because it's so tough. When you think of all the hurdles that are set in place for you to trip on hot waitresses who want to party. So you end up dudes end up cheating on their wife and then fucking their marriage up. And then that

becomes their narrative where they have a fucked up home life or or drugs and alcohol or and especially alcohol with me i'm a big drinker the fact that i didn't let alcohol dictate my future and i dictated it or you get club managers who give you bad advice or club no one wants to see you succeed see they i mean they for the most part they're more comfortable with you just doing well and kind of being a mid-level comic if you're in the club level because they get to keep you. Or just all the things that all the things, the pitfalls I didn't land in, I was shocked. And I thought to myself in a moment of clarity, I feel bad for any comedian starting right now because it's so fucking hard. It's so hard. There's so much rejection that you become more comfortable with the rejection than you do success. And a lot of people will undermine their success

because rejection is like a nice warm blanket at the end of the night that you go, ah, fuck it. No one likes me. I like me. I'm going to watch TV. Let's put on Game of Thrones. Fuck that. I need to do a spot tonight so that, yeah, it's really tough. How did you not get distracted by waitresses throwing yourself? Like, how do you do that? How do you compartmentalize that? Because it seems like you have a really good relationship with your wife. How did you not let that be a distraction?

Well, I, number one, this is the wrong verbiage, but it's the only word I can think to say. I'm not a big pussy guy. Like watch dudes throw away their their careers to pussy meaning i get hot chicks show up in the front row and then their act is set so that they're those girls like it and then they can get laid at the end of the night i was i just told this to someone today i'm more is it like the guy that like okay i feel like if you and i went out together we could just go and have a fucking great time but some guys you go out and like they are chasing women the whole night i'm not that guy yeah i'm not i definitely will i will never say did you see her i'm not that guy and i i actually have friends like that and i'm always like why the fuck what some guys base their

whole night about like that's the end that's the goal of the night yeah don't get me wrong i'm not gay if a chick comes by in a white shirt and no bra i'm gonna be like okay i saw that but like i'm not the guy looking for it for the most part. Anytime that there was ever anything questionable with any girl at a club, like I had one time, I know I've told this before, but more importantly, I've told it to Leanne. There was a girl who was very, very pretty. And she, I don't know how, she came to my show, my Thursday show, and then she showed up at my Saturday show. And we go to the bar Copper Blues at the end of the night and she's like sitting next to me and I'm a little oblivious to it, but it is nice to have a pretty girl sitting next

to you and a girl giving you attention, especially when you're married with two kids. It feels nice. I don't think I let into it, but at one point I said, I'm going to bed. She said, we should get high. I was like, I'd love to get high. She was like, let's go to your room. And I was like, oh, I don't do that. She was like, why? And I was like, I don't, I don't let girls come to my room. She was like, well, we're just going to get high. And I went, yeah, but that doesn't lead to anything good. And if my wife went to her room, a room with another man, it doesn't matter if anything happened. I'm going to think it happened. And I don't want to put my wife went to her room a room with another man doesn't matter if anything happened I'm gonna think it happened and I don't want to put my wife in that situation

She said oh don't be such a pussy. Come on. I'm not gonna try to fuck you. I know you're married Let's just go to your room and get high and I went I I Told you already I can't do that And so I went to the green room and she followed me into the green room and the manager Casey Was like and that's the other thing is like in a weird way, all my guys, all the guys I've ever been around know who I am and they would never let me get into that situation. And Casey was like, Hey, he told you he's going home by himself. I'm going to walk you out right now. And he grabbed her and she was like, I'm you're making this weird. And he's like,

no, you're making this weird. He's asked you to leave. He's married. He's going home by himself. And he walked right out of the club. And I was like, wow, that's crazy. Cause then, and then I texted Leanna immediately. I sent a picture of her to Leanna. I was like, just so you know, that's what I could have fucked. But I've had a couple times like that. I've had a couple times like that where it does feel nice to get attention from a beautiful

girl, but I just, I don't know. I'm also really not great at sex and I'm not a good, I'm not a good first kiss guy. So all those, all those fucking things are, they're like things I don't want to deal with anyway. I think sex gets better the more you have it with the same person.

I a hundred percent agree. And I'm not good first time. Like I am a, I'm a, I'm a brand new door to door salesman. I'm going to do a little public service announcement. No one's good first time with guys. I wish I had heard good first time. Like I am a, I'm a, I'm a brand new door to door salesman. I'm going to do a little public service announcement. No one's good first time with guys. I wish I had heard that in college. Like I want to just like, it takes a while to develop.

The first time is like not the move. It's, you got to get through the first time. I've never, I've only, I've had like, I've only been with six women. So like, I don't, I've only had sex, I think with, I'm trying to think, I think I'm, yeah, this chick from Liverpool I had sex with on a one night, not one night stand, I knew her two nights. I think she only had sex with me so she had a place to stay. Oh God.

I mean, her and her sister, they were, they were traveling and they wanted to stay at my place. I was like, cool. And I was partying with them. We were going to great adventure the next day or we went that afternoon, went to great adventure and we came back and they, they stay at my place. I was like, cool. And I was partying with them. We were going to Great Adventure the next day or we went that afternoon. We went to Great Adventure and we came back and they needed a place.

So I was like, stay on my couch. And she came into my room. What's interesting about this story, the best part of the story is that she smoked Newports and drank Kavassia. Oh, wow. And so as I had sex with her, I thought this is what it would smell like to fuck Tupac.

Like that's, I couldn't get too, and she had a, she was tongue tied. You've only had sex with six people. Women. Women. Yeah. Yeah.

That's surprising that the movie Van Wilder's based off him and he's had sex with six people. They had to sex it up. I'm not, I'm not. You gotta be feeling this now. I'm feeling it a little bit. I'm not a sex guy. Like I'm not,

I'm, you know what I am? And then this sounds like it's scripted for branding purposes. Love it. I was the guy in college hoping to find the girl that got me. Like that got me. Like I wanted the girl who was like, do you want to just go get a pizza? But jokes aside, I think that's everybody.

They just don't admit it. Well, I was aware of it. Like I remember one girl wanted to have sex with me. We were at a club in Tallahassee and She said to me is over summer too So like summer sex was like easy to get out every girlfriend I ever got was during summer was only one it was Kristen Because it was a smaller community So like you get to know people better and she said to me Let's just go back to Austin's have sex and I went no

And she was like why and I go because if you're saying that to me um let's just go back to your house and have sex and i went no and she was like why and i go because if you're saying that to me how many people do you say that to she was like does it matter and i was like kinda because i don't want you to say that to someone tomorrow night that's not me like i want you to say that to me all the time she was like you're like monogamous hardcore i have a guy friend that that loves fucking anything and everything he wants to fuck anything he can possibly fuck we'll be out to eat he's looking to like any any he wants to fuck everything yeah and he admitted to me the other night that it's because he wants to feel desired it's not even about fucking it's that he wants to feel desired by a bunch of different women i don't care i just want one but it's interesting i i know and he told me it's an insecurity. So it's, you both must not have that insecure void.

Oh no, I'm filled with insecurity. But it might not, it's not that insecurity. No, I don't have that one. Were you close with your mom? Yeah. Good relationship. When I lost my virginity, I told her. Did she baby you when you were little?

No. Not at all? No, but I was her poet. Like she was. You were her poet? What does that mean? She just, like my dad wasn't like, what are you doing? Piercing your hair and growing your hair long. And my mom's like, it's Bert. He's my little poet. He's a little bit, he's a creative, he's a creative. And she was very like, very supportive,

very like had my, she was a ride or die for me. She still is. Yeah. What does she think when she sees you now? Is she like so proud of you? Yeah, I think they both are, but I think they have a hard, my dad has a hard time wrapping his head around it. We do this thing called private suite when we fly. It's a different entrance to the airport. I do it most.

I did it mostly because of the pandemic because we were flying during a, during a bubble. So it was easy for me to compartmentalize my group, not have them at a airport, have them at this thing, get us to the, we get, you could take a car onto the tarmac, enter the plane, and then we were in a bubble, mostly first class. And then it, it was a safe way. And then I kind of fell in love with it and, and it took a lot of stress out of traveling for me, like a lot, like I used to stress about when we left and now I don't have it at all.

And so I started flying my parents through private suite and my dad just is like, buddy, it's too much. And I was like, no, it's fine. I totally can afford it. He's like, I just don't, I don't want you to spend that much money. And I was, I was like, I, the other day I sent him my net worth and he was like, what the fuck is this? And I was like, it's you knowing i don't care

about private suite for you like but he has a hard time the most money he ever made probably was like 1.5 million dollars a year which is a lot of fucking money it was by the way i thought it would be my inheritance and like he sold his company well i don't know i mean he'd be livid if he knew i was telling you his numbers. And by the way, he'd be like, first of all, 1.75. So he's concerned constantly about money. But even like he just got his hip replaced and they rolled him in. And the guy who sold the fake hip to him was in there, Chris Quinn.

He's my friend. But everyone in the operating room was like, you're Bert Kreischer's dad. And my dad's like, what fucking world am I living in? But it's also Tampa. So I grew up in Tampa. So I know everyone in Tampa, but like my parents have a hard time understanding what it is.

Like I did the arena, the Emily Center, Emily Arena in Tampa. It was sold out, but I got my parents a box. But I also had some other people I wanted to put in the box, like Mike Allstott, who played for the Bucs, and Wade Boggs. Wade Boggs is a big baseball player. When we grew up, he was like the Tampa hero. My dad calls me from the box.

I'm backstage, and he goes, hey, buddy, fucking Wade Boggs is in my box. And I went, yeah, I know. I put him there. He goes, do you think he knows who you are? I go, yeah, he's at my show. And he was like, no, do you think he knows is you think he's here because of you? I go, dad, I'm the only one on stage. He definitely knows who I am. And he's like, shut up. And then my dad got backstage and Derek Brooks, who played for the box play for Florida state comes backstage. And my dad's like, you know, Derek Brooks. And I was like, no, I just met him too, dad. And he goes, so he knows who you are. And I'm like, yeah,

yeah, yeah. He just gave me a Jersey. Like, yeah, he does. And then Derek Brooks says to my dad, it's crazy seeing his growth from where he started. My dad goes, what? And Derek Brooks goes, I was at his first show at Potbelly's like 23 years, 24 24 years ago and it's crazy to see him grow from there to now playing arenas and my dad and derek brooks leaves and my dad goes buddy he knows your name and i'm like yeah dad like he's just looking at you like you're his son yeah like it's probably a total mind it's sweet what what happens to you with all of the friends that you had to now? Like, how do you manage?

Cause there's gotta be friends that have fallen off that, that'll be jealous. There's gotta be friends that have come up with you. There's gotta be friends that still know you. How does it work with your friends? So what's interesting is that all my friends I grew up with are proud of me. Like all my, all my boys in Tampa, Tallahassee, they're are proud of me. Like all my, all my boys in Tampa,

Tallahassee, they're all proud of me, but they still, they still know me as me and they bust my balls. So there's no, like, they don't give a fuck that I'm famous. Like they don't, they, they think it's funny. They think it's cool. They think it's interesting. They think it's bizarre, but like, they don't, it, none of them are like, none of my friends I grew up with really give a fuck about fame per se. Comedy is interesting. And I think I'm lucky in this sense in that I was the loser for, not loser, but I wasn't the guy getting specials and doing big things in comedy. I was doing television shows.

But until I was 44, I was the guy at the store that people would look over my shoulder and see who's coming behind me. And I was aware of my place in comedy. And I was cool with it. I was cool with it. I understood that's where I am. And I have to be able to like this, to love this job. And then when I got famous, I noticed, not even famous, but I got successful and started selling tickets and got a tour bus and started flying private. I, I have had backlash where people just people that were my friends i've heard them talk shit about me on podcasts or behind my back people have been like yo dot dot dot or like rogan texted me the other day some guy was talking shit about me on a podcast and rogan texted to me he

goes yo he's not your boy and i was like he pays attention to that stuff joe is joe is joe's hyper aware of of weird concentric circles like he doesn't he doesn't care about him he doesn't care about like people talking shit he cares about his boys and like you know just giving you a heads up this guy talks shit he sent it to me and i was like fuck that guy and the guy i'm friends with the guy i've had him on my podcast two times i've been on his podcast twice what did he he say about you? He said, Netflix has ruined comedy. It's not what it used to be. And now you got these guys doing these arena tours where they're not that funny and they're drunk as fuck on stage. And they should call their tour the, ah, that was

okay tour. And I was like, first of all. But he's projecting his own insecurity. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. He's done that his whole career. If I said his name, you'd go, oh, that makes sense. It tracks. You got to be cool with it. I've it i've lost a couple friends to people like when you get success they say fucked up shit to you like it's funny too but i was just talking to tommy about this is like what's funny about it is like i celebrated their success like i love to watch them succeed i did what's saying? Like everybody's happy for you until you get past them. Yeah. I mean, when I, you know, I was forced, maybe it wasn't natural, but I was forced to learn

a behavior where when people succeeded, me hating them did not benefit me. Me being frustrated, their success had no effect, direct effect on my success. I wasn't about to get successful because I could shit on them. And so I just, I mean, the very first person I knew to get like legit fucking famous, who was like a friend was Dane. And the day my dad sent me the USA Today article that said Dane Cook, the number one selling comic in the world ever, whatever. It was like a really big, my dad's like, buddy, do you know him? I was forced to decide what kind of, and this, and this has happened a number of times. Who am I? Am I the guy that's going to sit and stew that that's not me? Or do I call Dane and tell him, Hey man, my dad just sent me this. This is really cool, dude. Congratulations.

And then Dane gets to go, Hey, thank you. That means a lot. And I haven't had any calls about it today. And then you're like, oh, that's right. Because so many people are just stewing that they're not Dane. Tommy, this is my favorite story that I know I've ever told, but it's worth telling. Tell it. Tell every story. Tommy, we were supposed to do Funny or Die. Who was Tommy?

Tom Segura. Tom Segura. Tom Segura. Sorry. I need the last names. Tom Segura is my best friend he and i became friends when he was a host and i was a feature now i'm above him in that pecking order and i always was the feature and he was the host or i was the headliner and he was the feature

and then he starts headlining i'm headlining and we do some shows together but we're both headliners but i am older than him i'm older than him and i and i'm more accomplished than him technically i'm doing television and then tomm then Tommy gets a Netflix special right at the right when Netflix, and it's a great Netflix, mostly stories is one of his best specials. And he blows up, he starts doing theaters and I know he's doing theaters and, but I'm not, I'm doing clubs, but I don't look at it as like, he's better than me. I look at it as I, now I can get advice from a guy I trust. And then one night I'm supposed to this funny or die tour is called oddball. I'm signed on to host and do like some hosting gigs.

I'm getting paid $2,000 a week and I got to fly myself and put myself up, but it's a great opportunity. You're working with fluffy. Sebastian Dane was on it. Tommy was on it. Joey was on it. I think Sarah was going to be on like all these great names. So I'm getting to hang with great talent. So that's for me, it's worth it. Joey was on it. I think Sarah was going to be on like all these great names. So I'm getting to hang with great talent. So that's, for me, it's worth it. Well, at the last minute, I cancel all

my dates. I cancel all my dates from September to December so that I can do this tour. They call me like right before September and they're like, yeah, we're not going to use you. And I'm like, what? And they're like, yeah, it's just, we're not, we're going to save money and we're just not going to go with the host. So we're sorry. And so now I have no dates for three months, four months. And I call Tommy, I'm sitting in my, I have loved the small details of a story. I don't know why. Give us all the small details. I'm in my man cave. I'm getting ready to get on the treadmill. I'm in running shorts, no shirt. And I have, and I have my cell phone and I call Tommy to tell him I'm not doing the tour. And I'm, I have a phone like this before four 44. And so he goes, he says, I said, I'm not doing

oddball. And he said, what? I said, yeah, they pulled me off some of the dates. He's like, are you fucking serious? I go, yeah. He goes, God damn it. That's a lot of money to lose. I said, well, it's only like, really? It's only like 16,000, I think. And he was like, oh, that's what you're getting paid per show. And I went no no no I'm for all my dates I'm getting 2,000 a show and he went hold on no no 2,000 a week he goes wait hold on you mean 2,000 wait hold on what I said yeah I'm only making 2,000 a week for these gigs and he goes but you have that number wrong and I went no I'm no my rate I said wait what are you getting paid and says, I don't want to tell you. I said, why? And he goes, well, I'm afraid it's going to fuck up our friendship. I go, wait, are you getting paid more than 2000? And he goes,

yeah. I said per week. And he goes, yeah. I said, wait, how much are you making? And he goes, I don't know. Is this going to fuck us up? And I took my chair, I pushed it back. I put my hands on my right close to the phone and i go i thought to myself do i love this guy do i want him to be successful do i want him to have success i said yes i said tom tell me the number i'm sitting like this and he says twenty thousand dollars to show and i realize in a pinpoint where i am in this business, what my worth is and who I am in the pecking order. My best friend is making 20, 10 times more than me a night that I'm making a weekend. And I was like, fuck. And I was like, and it's, it's heartbreaking to realize where you are.

But in that moment I decided I know who I am to this guy and I know what he is to me and I can't be jealous of that. And so I said, okay. And he did the dates and I didn't. And I, at that moment I'd been fired from travel channel. I took assessment of my career and where I was lacking. And I wasn't focusing on my podcast. I wasn't focusing on social media. I wasn't promoting, but I had learned how to edit and shoot. So I said, I'm just going to focus on me. I'm going to, I was in a deal at NBC to do a sitcom and I did, I just dropped it. I didn't give a fuck about it. I focused on me and creating content.

And that time Tom started fat shaming me. I started making content to combat the fat shaming that started going viral, like viral for us at the time. And the fans picked up on it. I started moving more tickets. And then that new year's Eve, my, the week of new year's Eve, my machine story went viral. And I took everything I learned in those three months of like, find cool shit, put yourself in front of cool shit. That was my, my motto is like, find cool shit, get in front of cool shit. Rogan's cool shit.

Get on Rogan, be on Rogan, be fun on Rogan, deliver on Rogan. I found a show called Hot Ones. Reached out to Sean Evans. I said, your show's cool. If you ever have comics on, I'd love to be on it. And he's like, we only do like hip hop and basketball players. But like, if we ever do comics, I'll hit you up. I found a show called Jesus and Miro. I found all these cool shit.

I just reached out, me to them. I'd love to be on your show. And I started doing that. And that next year I sold out every show clean for the whole year. And I started working on myself. I focused on my podcast, best friends like Tommy and Joe got me ad sales, ad sales on my podcast. And I remember doing a podcast where my ad sales buyout was 1300, I think 1300 or 1500 a read. I did seven reads. And I realized at my ad share sale with my, my ad rep was like, it was like 80, 20 split. I made more, no managers, no agents. I made more in that podcast than I did on travel channel. And it, it fucked me up. I was like, I'm done. I'm done doing television. This is the new business model. And then Tom and Joe were like, focus on your podcast focus on your fight i think bill burr told me at one point your show's not great you're a great comic focus on your podcast focus on your stand-up joe and him but all of them and i had good friends around me to help me do my thing i

started doing something's burning i started focusing focusing on my podcast. I added video to my podcast. I hired an editor for my podcast, a producer. And then all of a sudden it just skyrocketed from there. And I, and I took that business model of like, find cool shit, be around cool shit. Did find the stuff that people are watching. I started reading Google trends a lot and I'd find out why things spiked and why I spiked. And I'd look for spikes and I'd say, I need four spikes a year. So I'd find four projects I could get associated with that would deliver a spike. Goddamn comedy jam. I sang a song with Scott Stapp on stage.

Big spike. It sounded like you started to get much more strategic about. Way more strategic. Here's the lesson too, out of this whole story. If Tom had not told you how much he was making. I would have thought he would making $5,000. And you would have, your temperature, and my lot always says this,

your temperature would have been 5,000. But because you reframed your thinking and he told you 20, your temperature went up. That's why it's important to be surrounded by people who are succeeding. And when you're surrounded by people who are succeeding, it makes your temperature go up. When people get mad about people making more money than them, their goal should be to raise their temperature. Yeah, but a lot of people look at it and get defeated or they start being haters or whatever.

I think you, I was talking about this the other day, you either have to have a mindset where you're inspired by people like that. Because if you're defeated, then you're just fucked. And you're only fucking yourself. I'm inspired. I've said this numerous times. I only hang around motherfuckers. I often say I'm a Mako shark surrounded by great whites. Like from afar, you think I'm a great white.

Because Makos look like great white. No, I think you're a great white. Well, I will take that as a compliment. And I'm not going to put away a compliment. Thank you very much. I think ultimately I'm a great white. No, I think you're a great white. Well, I will take that as a compliment and I'm not going to put away a compliment. Thank you very much. I think ultimately I'm a great white too, but I know that my best friends, my best friends are the funniest humans in the world that are, are excelling at a next level. And if you surround yourself with those people, the high tide raises all boats. And I'm telling you when, and when I go, when I have questions about business, Tommy's probably the first person I ever go to, but he is, I mean,

he's next level in my, I always bust his balls. Anyone listening, I always bust his balls by game respects game. And Tommy is a brilliant businessman, a brilliant comedian and a great podcaster. Joe Rogan is like, like a big brother to to me. I look up to him more than I do probably anyone. I lean on him, whether it's health and wellness advice. Legit, I left the cardiologist. I was like, I don't know what the fuck to do. I called Joe. Joe's like, dude, carnivore. I do carnivore. It's great for your liver enzymes. It gives your liver a break. Do carnivore. Give it a week. See how you like it it I've been carnivore now for six months

I'm down 45 pounds I'm on I over Ways to Well I'm on testosterone I've got fucking all the cocktail

I take the cocktail every morning people love Ways to Well oh the Brighams he texted me today I want to have that guy on what's Ways to Well it's a

they're out of Austin they're fucking amazing I've listened to that guy talk on a mic might have been on Joe. He was on Joe. That guy's just like, that guy's just like an encyclopedia. What's his name?

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Oh, it was that moment. It was that period of time. Leanne was redoing our house. I didn't know if I was going to have money to be able to, I didn't know I didn't have any income coming in. I got fired from, on one day, on one day we started demo on our house. I got fired from travel channels. She wanted me to get a vasectomy. And, and I think, I don't think it was sober October, but, and one more thing happened. Everything happened on one day and I got pulled off that tour. I got pulled off that tour. And in that day I was like, and Christmas was coming and I was like, do we, do we say, do we have one big Christmas left? And then what's Chris, I've been a poor dad to Christmas. It really sucks.

And I was like, what, what, what is this going to look, what's this year going to look like? And I was scheduled to do Oxnard for $25,000 for the weekend for New Year's Eve. And no one showed up. No one. What do you do when you're a comic and no one shows up? Do you just use it as a tool to refine your skill? You apologize. You apologize to the manager.

You apologize to the waitstaff. Actually, literally no one showed up or there was like two people? Like what do you mean? No, the club was one of the bigger clubs. They'd build a thing of seats like 475 and maybe 125 people showed up for New Year's. That's something. Well, it's not $25,000 guarantee. And so they lost money. And I got in the car that morning. I was going to do Rogan because we were all, Tom and I were doing fat shaming, the whole buildup. We were doing a weight loss challenge and we were going to weigh in three days straight on Rogan and see who lost the most weight. And the loser had to have his beard shaved.

And I was panicked. I was getting my beard shaved. And I drove home from New Year's Eve that morning, the New Year's day, the sun was coming up. I was driving on the one-on-one listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival. And I thought to myself, this machine story just started going viral, like 3 million views. And I thought to myself, I think I can do this. I think I can let this be my low point and move forward from here. But that three-month period, fucking homeless people were breaking into our house. I thought I did a gas leak with our fucking propane tank in our house. I mean, like, it was like a shit show of events of that three month period was my lowest of like, I mean, I said things I regret.

I remember when I got fired from travel channel, the lady that fired me was like, we're not going to renew your contract. And I had been in the contract for like six years of travel channel and it was good money. And I was like, okay, I i go what's that mean she goes like we're done using you and i said but like okay but i can i still pitch shows to you she was like yeah but we're probably not gonna do them and i was like yeah but i don't want to work with anyone else what the fuck i was like getting broken up with and this poor woman sat on the phone like this is awkward now and i was like i just love you guys. It's like a family to me.

And I was just hoping that she would say, well, maybe we'll do. I regret that so much. I wish I had just taken the phone call and been like, cool. I saw it coming. I knew it was coming. I knew it was coming. I'd gone to lunch with her and in the middle of lunch, she left the table and went and sat with another table. Oh God. When, when you look at you and all these high performers that you hang out with,

what, what are things that you think make you and all these people so successful besides talent? Don't listen to anyone. They don't listen to anyone. Joe Rogan. I hate that I talk about him as much as I do. You have to understand. He's your best friend. I love this guy like a brother. And so, and you got to understand also he changed my life. He's changed best friend. I love this guy like a brother. And you got to understand also, he changed my life. He's changed a lot of our lives. And he's been a real channel marker for us. Indirectly, he changed like. The scope of media.

Yeah. I mean. He said when he started his podcast, he was doing, he was selling fleshlights. And everyone's like, dude, don't sell fleshlights. And he was like, yeah, but it's, it's money coming into the pocket. It helps pay for the podcast. Joe didn't listen to anyone. People were like, why are you doing a fucking podcast? And he was like, it's fun. I like it. He didn't listen to anyone. And I think that's the one thing is like, trust yourself. When I started

doing promo videos and really leaning into Instagram, there were comics that mocked me like fun mocked me, but they're like, what the fuck? I remember My special was coming out and I was I wanted views on it and I was thinking of all the different content I can do and one of the content bits I wanted to do was Take my camera to the store Interview all my friends that are more successful way more successful than me And ask them what the best way to watch a special is so that I could have a clip

Of your all 10 of your favorite comics. And then I could splice in whatever their answer was. I could have them make it sound like it was glowing about my podcast, right? Like it was a fun, it was going to be obviously noticeable, but it would be funny and light. So I did everyone. I did, uh, everyone that was there. I did everyone. And I did, I remember I did Sebastian Maniscalco. Now Sebastian's a private dude. I have to give that to him, But I did him, shot it in horizontal. I don't know why that matters to me. Sebastian said to me at the end, how can you do this?

I said, what? And he goes, aren't you humiliated? And I went, no. He goes, I would never. And he wasn't being rude. He was like, I could never do. He's genuinely curious about how you do it. He's like, I could never do what you're doing

to go and bring a comic, a friend and with a camera. And what, what is this? And I said, I'm doing a promo. I told him my promo and he goes, how, why do you do that? And I said, Sebastian, some of us have to like hustle to get views. Like you're really talented and you're just fucking amazing. And I'm not that I'm the guy that needs to hustle. So that's why I do it. I do it because no one's giving me anything. No one gave anything to Sebastian, but no one's definitely given anything to me. And I'm fucking

44 and I'm a white dude, dad who drinks a lot. Like no one's like, that's the thing we need to watch. That's the hot new product that's been here for 20 fucking plus years. So like I, but those moments are like, I don't take them as insults. I take them almost as a compliment of like, yeah, I don't mind. Like I don't mind doing a promo to promote dates. Cause I know if you're a fan of mine and you see it, you're just excited to see that I'm coming to your city. And if you're not a fan of mine, well, then you're not coming to the show anyway. And if you don't like the promo, okay, I get it. But like, I'll give you another great example of not listening to anybody. I said for Sober October one year, we always do a physical challenge in our Sober Octobers. I said, one time I said, we should do hip hop dance

for our challenge. And Joe's like, absolutely not. I said, no, we'll all learn. He goes, no, I know what you're saying, but I'm not learning a hip-hop dance he's a good girl like fucking fools doing a hip-hop dance i said no but that would be fun if we all get with one dancer for the whole month and learn a dance and then we all post our dance online and then people get to vote on who the best hip-hop dancer is joe tom ari all of them are like that is dumbest idea. I didn't think it was a dumb idea. I stood this day. It would get views. Well, I shot it. I shot it.

I just said, I'm going to fucking do a hip hop dance. I got this girl, Dee Glazer, great dancer. Me and my daughter would share her videos with each other. And I reached out to her for $1,200. She coached me for a week on a dance. Then we went to a studio and I did my dance. I did a hip hop dance that she had choreographed to post Malone. And at the last minute I said, you know what we should do? Can you do one? Can you do one where you give me space on the side? And then let's run my scroll, my tour dates,

and we'll announce my tour this way. That tour sold out in 15 minutes. And a month later, Tommy did a hip hop dance video. And he was like, it's not a bad idea. He sold his dates out in 15 minutes. And a month later, Tommy did a hip hop dance video. And he was like, it's not a bad idea. He sold his dates out in five minutes because now everyone knows the thing. And the day it released, it went like, I think it got like 6 million views that day. And everyone, all my buddies are texting me, dude, this is fucking hilarious. This is great. You can actually dance.

Like, but I was like, I'm not gonna listen to anyone. And then I started going, I'm not listening to anyone. I'm not gonna tell people my ideas anymore. I'm not gonna run things by anyone. So then I started going, I'm not listening to anyone. I'm not going to tell people my ideas anymore. I'm not going to run things by anyone. So the next tour, I hired a marching band. I said, come to my house. I'm going to shoot a promo. They're like, what are we going to do?

I said, I don't know, figure it out. I got a cameraman, my cousin, Andrew, still on the ladder. I said, do you guys, what song do you guys know? I didn't have any schedule, anything. I just have a marching band and pizza. And I said, I got them for like $2,400. And they go, we know Rubber Band, man. I was like, cool, play it. And they're like, where And I said, I got them for like $2,400. And they go, we know rubber band, man. I was like, cool, play it.

And they're like, where? I go, I don't know. Stand around my pool. Stand around my pool. I'm going to go into the man. I got it. And then this is the best, this is the best advice I'll ever give anyone. Just turn the cameras on and it'll show up.

It'll show up. You just got to turn the camera on. Don't overthink it. Turn it on. So I stood in my man cave with weights. I was in my man cave shooting from outside my man cave. I'm doing shoulders. I have great shoulders. And I said, what's up everybody. It's your boy, Bert Kreischer, the machine. I got a big announcement. And I walked out of my man

cave and I grabbed a whistle that was around my neck and I blew it. And the drummer came out behind me. and I go, we're going big this year. I got the, whatever it was called, body shots, world tour, whatever. I don't forget what it was. And then I stand in front of the band who's all surrounding my pool and they play rubber band, man. And I dance just with a, with a baton and they scroll the dates and, and that tour sold out immediately. And then I was like, fuck, I, there's a phrase I love. I'm using everything hoof to hoof to snout. I want the whole cow.

So I got this band there. I was like, fuck it. Everyone in the man cave. We're doing another video. Fuck it. Everyone in my bedroom. We're doing another video. So we shot three videos with this one $2,400 investment that sold tickets.

Cause what? Cause I knew once the tour sold out, you're adding shows. So I need a video for that. So we got on the treadmill and, and, and we shot that video. And then I just started doing that. And I kind of painted myself into a corner because I mean, I've done it all. I've had synchronized swim teams at my house. Like I've, I've done everything to promote video, promote tours. And then I got to a place where like the promoters would be like, and it's a cool place to be in control of your career, but the promoters would be like, yo, you want to do Red Rocks? And I was like, well, yeah, but at the time I could only move 5,000 seats. And they're

like, yeah. I remember my agent was like, I bet you could do it. And I was like, think? And he was like, I think you, I bet you can. Like, I wouldn't say that to any of my other clients, but I think you're up for the challenge. And I love a challenge. So then I, I brainstorm, I'm in Serbia shooting my movie. I read rocks on sale and nothing's happening. And I got 5,000 tickets sold, but not 10. And then I pulled my tricep. I ripped my tricep on my arm and I got it. I talked to the cardiologist or to talk to the surgeon and the anesthesiologist for the surgery. Anesthesiologist says, Hey, what music do you want to go under to? I was like, I can pick music. And he was like, yeah. I said, uh, Creighton's Clearwater Revival's Fortunate Son. And I took my video, I took my camera and they wheeled me into surgery.

And I said, I'm, I'm not going to count backwards. I'm going to do a read. And I just want you to put me out in the middle of my read. So I rolled in, it's a great fucking video. I said, I'm not going to count backwards. I'm going to do a read, and I just want you to put me out in the middle of my read. So I rolled in. It's a great fucking video. I said, what's up, everybody? It's your boy, Burt Kreischer. I just want to tell you I'm rolling into surgery. I'm nervous as fuck.

I'm hoping to make it on the other side because if I do, I have Red Rocks coming up November 2nd. I will see you, Colorado, at Red Rocks. Sir, are you coming? And he goes, wait, where are you? This is a real conversation. He goes, you're at Red Rocks? I go, Jimmy Buffett's the night after me. He goes, you hear Creedence Cruella on Revival picking up in the conversation. He goes, you're in Red Rocks? I go, Jimmy Buffett tonight after me. He goes, you hear Credence

Crillow Revival picking up in the background. He goes, I love Jimmy Buffett. I go, so I'll and I drop the phone. I came out of surgery and the first thing I said is, did I get it? Is it on my phone? And the guy goes, you got it. We hit stop record. You got it. And I went, put it up. Red Rocks sold out clean in a day. And so I

love, but I love the challenge. I love the challenge of, of having to sell more tickets. I'll, you'll never, I'll always say there's tickets available. Even if it's sold out, there's tickets available always. And I, you know, it's, it's, it's why I created my festival fully loaded. And I'll say this candidly. I have 32 of the greatest comics in the world in that festival, but the onus is on me to sell those tickets. They don't have it in their contract where they have to post anything. They do out of the kindness of their hearts, but ultimately they have a deal with me where I pay

them to come just do comedy and I get to use their names to promote it. But I love that challenge. I love that challenge. And it is to my detriment at times because I am so hyper-focused when we talk about how it's good to have you back. I was just like, whom? And I would love fucking any video to promote anything. The idea, like the first time we did Fully Loaded, I came up with an idea of, you know, that thing of, hey, I got a cool thing I want to show it to you. And then you cover it up and then you pull it back and it's something else. Well, I had all the comics do the video. And I gave them the copy and they'd be

like it's burke christian i have a big announcement and then it cut to nikki glazer and then but it was my voice going on dot dot dot dot dot i got some and there was joey diaz and then it was david tell and then it was like but it was like it was a really cool video and it sold tickets and they're very resourceful with your approaches you're creative i love the creativity my i will tell you this how you guys have been to my podcast studio. That house gives me so much purpose because I walk into it and it's so full of life. It's all filled with women. I love working with women.

But it's so filled with energy. I mean, we did a promo that I think it's got, I don't know, it's got like six. I don't know what it has. I said, we got to promote the Top soft world tour. How do we do that? And I was like, I'm always topless, but what if I had a top on? And then I had all the women in my office topless, but covered like Austin powers style. And so we went through and I was like, we got a big tour, tell them what's going on. And then Rachel's got a poster in front of her boobs. She goes, Hey, where are we supposed to put this poster i go don't worry about the poster we'll take care

of that later guys we have tours and it went through all the women and then it ended with leanne with two boxing gloves over her tits going it's well it's a fight of your life or something but i love that energy i don't think i could get away with that promo in this office i think it would be dude we the funnest things the funnest things lock me up the funnest thing ever is like just and that's the other thing is like don't listen anyone and don't even like get in your head about stuff because Just shoot it just shoot it and if it's bad no one sees it so who gives a fuck, but if it's good They see it Thanksgiving this last year me Vic Peter and Rachel Sat down in front of a green screen and I was like, what are we gonna do? What the, let's shoot something. What do we want to shoot? And there, and, and I think, I think it was either

me or Vic who was like, we should do like, like how to drink yourself through the Thanksgiving. And I was like, oh, that's a good idea. Let's, how do we do that? And I was like, well, Vic's like, what do you, how would you want to do it? And it's, it's a collaboration for real. It is a collaboration of all of us kind of brainstorming an idea. And we did this video for Thanksgiving of like, it's your family's around. Here's how you start your day. You start your day with sneaky beer that no one sees. Like, and we just kind of tracked out your drinking and it went, it did huge numbers for us. And it, but at that, that energy, that's the reason I got into this business, like to make fun stuff and put out cool shit.

And like, yeah, there were times as a dad that I would get a water slide and put it in our front yard with the sole purpose of shooting a promo where I'd go, girls, invite your friends over, just heads up, Georgia, you're going to need to hold the camera. And I did a video to promote Australia where I had a bunch of kids, nine-year-olds in bikinis going, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, Ali, Ali, oi, oi. You know what? I love it. I love it.

I don't think I could you get away with it. I told you, Bert, you're fucking killing it, man. I'm not killing it. I did killing. It's a perspective. I think there are people who feel like it goes back to that young influencer, young comic who gets it all. They feel like they're killing it and they, they own it.

And they're like, this is me. I think one of the good things about me is I constantly think I'm not there yet. So I'm constantly thinking, all I'm thinking about right now is Tucson, Arizona,

January 18th. That's all I'm thinking about. Tucson, Arizona, January 18th. I'm thinking about El Paso, San Antonio, Amarillo. I have tour dates on my head. You're going to be in San Antonio. Can I ask a question?

Please. Do you know who our next guest is after you? Who? Aren't they friends? I think so. Stamos? I love John Stamos. He's probably right out there right now.

No. I know. I was just going to say, I didn't even get to ask you any of your wellness stuff. Oh, my wellness stuff. Can you see if he's out here? If he's not out here,

I want to still ask him. I want you and Leanne, now that I've gotten both of you separately. John, I'm happy. Can you see if he's out here? If he's not out here, I want to still ask him. What I said is, I want you and Leanne, now that I've gotten both of you separately. John Stamos is beautiful. Keep the door open. We'll see him. Yeah, keep the door open.

Yeah. Before John comes, can I get your wellness tips? My wellness tips. God damn it, I could podcast with him for another two hours. Oh, I'm a better guest

than I am host. The, uh, my wellness tips, honestly, are, I'm very grateful for having played sports as a kid because I love being physical I love my biggest wellness tip is working out in the morning no matter how you feel. You're athletic I heard. I'm sneaky athletic like I

feel like you're good at like randomly almost every sport like jump into like golf I play baseball like like when we did the fully loaded tour of baseball stadiums i was like i want to take some bp and the guy the guy pitching me is like i hit one off the fence and he was like that's with no pace david tell about 100 bucks i couldn't hit out of the infield i'm fucking going yard i went out to my high school when i was doing the emily and the kids were like yo take batting practice and i was like i'm hitting a home run and i sat up there for 30 pitches until I hit a fucking home run. It seems like you tell yourself you're going to do something and you do it.

You've heard my story about the LA Marathon. Oh, I told Rogan and Tom and Ari, I could run the LA Marathon with no training at all. And they were like, absolutely not. And I was like, easy. And they're like, prove it. all right signed up philly marathon no training other than like getting on the treadmill and doing like you know we talked about this is like similar like that dan blazarian story when he's like i could ride my bike too yeah i love that energy i love it it's almost i almost become a little bit of a heel in those moments because joe is so grounded in reality when it comes to athletic abilities and i was like i can do it because i know there's i know that there's a mind over matter thing.

And I was like, all I have to do is decide to put one foot in front of the other for the next five hours. And I will do that. People have done worse. Wait, I want to know like from a micro standpoint, what your wellness is. You scrape your tongue every morning. I will sometimes notice that if I'm not feeling well, it's because my mouth isn't clean enough. Huh?

Yeah. But I can lower your blood pressure too. Yeah. Well that and pills I do, I do sauna every day. I do cold plunge. You sun your butthole. I sun my butthole. I get, I get morning sun, but I like it because I do my gratitude. Then I journal every day. I journal more now that I'm when I'm in and out of drinking. So I think it helps ground me, but my big, my, and I'm on a, I wish I knew all the stuff I was on. I'm on a cocktail of vitamins all through ways to well, I'm on testosterone. I'm a big proponent of tons of water before sleep. So like I always isn't politically correct, but we used to say that's the native American alarm clock. Cause before they go to war, they drink a ton of water.

So they woke up early cause you got to piss. So like, that's how I wake up by having to piss. That's interesting. And, but working out, I work out hard. Like I work out until I throw up. Like, like I work out until I get like physically burnt. I gotta be honest out of every single person that I've heard listens to the skinny confidential him and her podcast. When you started repeating things back to me that we said, it was, I was shocked. Oh yeah.

You're not like the picture of the person that i picture listening no i'm not i have other things that i'm like really into and like i don't want to become an old man who only listens to old music so i just recently started to get try to get into bands i'd never heard of like really get into a band and that's really fun is discovering something new and then falling in love with it. It's really cool. So you love a morning routine. You love a night. I love morning routines and I love now my evening is like around sunset. I'll hit my vape pen once and then, and that'll help me not drink. Okay. And then I kind of detox my night'll have a cigar maybe. And I sit in gratitude in my backyard. And I go to bed listening to podcasts.

I mean, you've got, I think people have you wrong with that. When I learned how what a routine, you're militant. Oh, I'm very, I only wear one shirt, type of shirt. You'll only see me in James Purse. Only. I only wear James Purse. I like a James Purse better. I'm wearing a John Elliott shirt now, but then I saw you wearing a James Purse.

I like James Purse better. I got a little jealous because that's such a softer shirt. Oh, it's such a great shirt. I have a little, I like being, I like certain things and I like having my things. I only fly in track suits. I have rituals before I fly. What's your ritual? Everyone get ready to be freaked out.

I love it. I can't wait. So I get in the shower. I wash my hair and all of my body, feet included. I keep the soap on my hair, my beard, and my body. Okay. And I get down in a squatting position and I visualize a successful flight. I say, let's get there.

And then I visualize in my eyes, Burbank to Salt Lake, Burbank to Salt Lake, Burbank to Salt Lake. And then I do six clear takeoffs from every direction. And then I go Burbank to Salt Lake, Burbank to Salt Lake. And then I do six clear takeoffs from every direction. And then I go Burbank, Salt Lake, Burbank, Salt Lake. And then I do six landings from every direction. And then one more time for dexterity, I go Burbank, Salt Lake, Burbank, Salt Lake. Then I surround myself three times in a coil of love. And then I surround everyone in my family, Georgia, Isla, Leanne, our dogs, our cat outside, Isla's cat upstairs. I do my sister, her husband, their two kids, their two dogs. I do my sister, her husband, their two kids, their two dogs. I do my sister, her boyfriend, my parents. And then I do a big loop around all of us. And then I end on

three coils around myself and I center it in the head of my center of my head with a spike. And then I say a prayer. I kiss my, my, I kiss my, my cross and then I rinse off and I'm ready to fly. No wonder you liked my morning routine. Every time. You like, you like very detailed. Leanne said that, that comedians were, they ruminate and they're OCD. Oh, hardcore. When I get a joke in my head, it's all I think about in like a, like you're trying to untangle a necklace and I just chew on it and chew on it and chew on it. And I like, uh, what was the joke the other day I was trying to write is my dog loves my dick. And cause my dog saw my dick and he, and he freaked out. Like I've never had anyone care about my dick that much. He liked it. He saw it and was like,

that, why are we just bringing this out now? And I, and Leanne was laughing in the dog. We have 150 pound bull mastiff, two of them. And so. Did you have peanut butter on it? No, no, no. That does work though. No, I had to hold it.

I had to hold it away from my dog because my dog was so into it. And so when that happened, I wrote that in my head and then I started ruminating about like, I could be a bit, what do I do with my dog?

And then I'm just saying, my dog loves my dick. My dog loves my dick. And then I'm just going, in my head the whole day i think about it i chew it it's fun i do it with stories do you meditate no you don't meditate we talked about that i do the calm app every now and then okay but i'm always afraid someone's gonna throw something in my face what do you mean like if i'm afraid that i'll be like this and then i will come up and scare the shit out of me or someone so your dog will start sucking your dick my dog will start sucking my dick by the way

that dog good i've seen him go after a bone that dog has got it you've seen priss or priss is our old dog mac's mouth i love thinking of a problem i love i love i love fantasizing so like today i was taking a shower and i just oh my god john stamos everybody i saw uh bob passed like yes a year two years ago two years ago yesterday i'm sorry i'm sorry sorry man no it wasn't come here grab a seat a seat. We'll sit together. Yeah, I mean. Here, here. Take this one. Sit down. They're two good looking, both of them. I'm high.

No, no, no. I got high this morning. We're going to talk about this. I just want to know who has the better hairline, you or Michael. Michael is very good, but sort of a vampire. I mean, like a. You know what I mean? I call it one of Teresa Judah.

Maybe I could get some tips because I like the way this thing just flows. No, let's start with. If there's anyone, I'm going to take some tips from. You guys haven't gotten a chance to smell him yet. You smell phenomenal. Well, usually. Phenomenal. You smell like my car when I was a kid and we'd go to the beach.

What are you wearing? What are you wearing? What are you wearing? Bert's car beach. How do you guys know each other? We did a podcast together. By the way, I'm a huge fucking fan. I'm a huge fucking fan.

We did his podcast. I did his podcast. He was very kind to me it was so nice i read your entire book and i harassed people to reach out to you oh thank you we're gonna get into it his book is so good i listened to it i listened to it i listened to it yeah you listened you actually consume a lot of content but fast right you did it i did it i I did it fast so it sounded like it was on Coke. No, I read it on my Kindle. Oh, thank you very much. I loved it. It was so good. I knew you guys knew each other, so we're waiting for you to see each other. Oh, so cool. I told him, I said,

open the door. I just want to say hi, and then I'll leave and I'll let you guys do your podcast. Do you want to tell John about your routine that you do in the shower before you fly? Do you want to tell him about how your dog blew you? No, my dog blew you? No, Bob would love that joke. Bob had a song called My Dog Blew My Balls. Excuse me, ladies. Sorry.

It's normal. This happens. Sorry. Talk about yours? No, no, no. My dog loves my dick. You guys know each other because you did a podcast together? I did his podcast, but you were so kind and you were so smart. You're the best. I was a fan before, and I was a fan of you guys.

What was I going to say? But you weren't drinking, you weren't drinking, and then I look on Instagram and you're on a boat, you know, with your shirt off like normal and booze, right? Yeah, I've had some booze.

But you do look skinny. You've lost weight since the last time. 45 pounds, 45 pounds, yeah. Yeah, you look really skinny. It's probably hard to be skinny in this day and age, though, because everyone automatically thinks you're on Ozempic, huh?

He is. No. No. No. But does everyone say that to you? No, no one ever asks. They think I got my stomach stapled. Oh. They think I'm smart enough to use Ozempic.

And it's actually the carnivore diet. It's a carnivore diet. I'm 100% carnivore, although I smell horrible, I think, these days. You smell. Really? Yeah, I really can. I think I had COVID, like, years ago, and it took my smelling out. Oh, well, you smell great. Well, you smell great.

He says you smell great. I've had COVID seven times. This week? That wasn't that funny. Well, you can make a brilliant comic like this guy laugh. That's a good thing. Well, thank you for giving me my first Zen pack. He gave me nicotine on air that dispersed in my mouth.

And then I had to take it out. I don't really know what that was but it did get me a little high. It's a nice buzz. Before John comes on the show, pimp yourself out. You can come back anytime, brother. I could have talked to you for six hours. I don't have any tickets to sell.

I don't think. No, no, no. The Austin show is sold out. But Topsoff World Tour. Why Austin? What about LA? Oh, I'm doing the Forum May 11th. Okay. I'm doing. No big deal.

If you would have told me that you would be doing the Forum. Did you ever think you'd play the Forum? I mean, that's pretty. If you told me I'd be sitting next to John Stamos, I'd be like. No, for real. That's like crazy. What do you think we're thinking? I know, right?

No, I'd never thought this would happen in my career. But I think that's why you think that's the good thing. Like you've said that to me. Like, yeah, John was legit just a kid from Orange County, just a kid from Irvine, like just a kid. And like, it wasn't like, you know this from his book, but wasn't this massive stud growing up? And then when you say,

if you thought you were a heartthrob, did you ever think that was going to happen? Oh, no, never. When we told people that we were interviewing John Stamos, every single girl's eyeballs popped out of their head. I think the office is on.

The office, the office is buzzing today. Yeah. I know that one girl out there, Jane, is that her name? Yeah. I think all of them are.

Their tongues are wagging. Are you in town for a while? Oh, yeah yeah but no that's what that's for later in the episode um no at least tomorrow i go to mexico to go see the great i love you buddy thank you for thank you for doing this where can everyone find you where can they watch you go to birdcast go to burp burp burp.com like i said top soft world tour starts in tucson ends in austin and then I shoot my special in July and then I'm taking a fucking break. Good for you. Good for you, brother. Two things before you go. You can watch us now on YouTube.

So you can go on YouTube, search The Skinny Confidential and watch our entire episodes on your computer or TV. Also, you should know Michael and I are doing a him and her newsletter. So basically it's a him and her tip of the day,

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and sign up for the newsletter. Thank you so much for listening and we'll see you next time.