The Skinny Confidential Him & Her Podcast - David Kessler On How To Overcome Trauma, Heal Yourself, Live With Grief & Move Forward

Episode Date: February 13, 2025

#808: Join us as we sit down with David Kessler – a world-renowned grief expert! With decades of experience helping individuals navigate trauma, loss, and healing, David shares his personal journey through grief and how he reclaimed his power after loss. In this episode, Lauryn opens up about her own experiences with grief, while they discuss the five stages of grief, offer practical advice for supporting others through loss, & reveal powerful lessons on how grief can unlock the secrets to living a happier, more fulfilled life. If you or someone you know is grieving or has experienced loss, this is an episode you won’t want to miss!   To Watch the Show click HERE   For Detailed Show Notes visit TSCPODCAST.COM   To connect with David Kessler click HERE   To connect with Lauryn Bosstick click HERE   To connect with Michael Bosstick click HERE   Read More on The Skinny Confidential HERE   To Call the Him & Her Hotline call: 1-833-SKINNYS (754-6697)   This episode is brought to you by The Skinny Confidential   Head to the HIM & HER Show ShopMy page HERE and LTK page HERE to find all of Michael and Lauryn’s favorite products mentioned on their latest episodes.   Visit grief.com to learn more about David Kessler and the resources he offers!   This episode is sponsored by Kettle & Fire    Go to kettleandfire.com/skinny to save 20% off your next purchase with code skinny.   This episode is sponsored by Vivrelle    Go to vivrelle.com and apply for a membership today using code SKINNY for 30% off 4 months of membership - the code will also allow you to skip the Vivrelle waitlist.   This episode is sponsored by Ritual   Start a Ritual that’s backed by science, without the B.S. Ritual is offering 25% off your first month at ritual.com/SKINNY.   This episode is sponsored by Lancôme    Shop now on lancome-usa.com and use code TSC20 for 20% off Genifique Ultimate.   This episode is sponsored by YNAB   TSC Him & Her Show listeners can claim an exclusive three-month free trial, with no credit card required at YNAB.com/skinny.   This episode is sponsored by Purely Elizabeth   Visit purelyelizabeth.com and use code SKINNY at checkout for 20% off.   This episode is sponsored by Nutrafol   For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month’s subscription and free shipping when you go to Nutrafol.com and enter the promo code SKINNYHAIR.   Produced by Dear Media

The following podcast is a Dear Media production. She's a lifestyle blogger extraordinaire. Fantastic. And he's a serial entrepreneur. A very smart cookie. And now Lauren Everts and Michael Bostic are bringing you along for the ride. Get ready for some major realness. Welcome to The Skinny Confidential, him and her. Hello everybody. Welcome back to The Skinny Confidential, him and her show. Today we have David Kessler on the podcast. He is one of the world's foremost experts on all types of grief and loss. This episode covers a heavy subject and topic that many of us, or if not all of us, are

going to face throughout our lives when it comes to grief. His decades of experience with thousands of people on the edge of life and death has taught him the secrets to living a happy and fulfilled life. Even after life's tragedies, he is the author of seven books, including his latest bestselling book Finding Meaning, the sixth stage of grief. We go really deep in this episode with David talking about some of our experiences. Grief at some point, like I said earlier, hits almost all of us, if not every one of us. And it's something that I know everyone at some point, like I said earlier, hits almost all of us, if not every one of us.

And it's something that I know everyone at some point is going to experience. So being able to digest it and understand it a little bit more, being able to come to terms with how to think about grief and how to go through the process of grief, this episode is really helpful for all of that. David was one of our favorite guests we've had on this podcast and we go deep with him. With that, David Kessler, welcome to Skinny Confidential, him and her show. This is the Skinny Confidential, him and her. This subject is a heavy subject.

There's a lot of, I think, a lot of, I don't know, it kind of feels like laser tag. You have to be careful with how you approach it because everyone's grief is different. But when I saw you speak about it and I saw your books, you're so eloquent and elegant with it. So I wanted to have you on. My first question to just set the stage is how you even get interested in this topic to begin with. Yeah, it's so true. Like no one in the third grade is like, oh, please, oh, teacher, I want to be death grief. That's what I want to do, right? It's like, it's not. And there's so much grief in the world, you know, different ways, relationships, death, narcissists, there's a million things. So when I was a kid,

I had a mother who I thought she was just ill. She went to a hospital in the big city a few hours away. We went there. My father and I to a hotel, crossed the way. While we're there, I remember one day in the hospital I was able to get in. My parents, as my mother's dying, had a monogamy discussion in front of me. By the way, never have a 13-year year old present for a monogamy discussion. Not a good parenting technique. Nor is it a good relationship thing to deal with. So I had that weirdness. My family was dysfunctional. My mother would probably be considered narcissistic now. My father was an addict. So much dysfunction. And then she's sick. We're there and one day

at the hotel across streets someone yells fire. Everyone runs out. Fire department comes up, extends the ladders and the next thing you know shooting starts. What? It turns out it went on for like hours. It was one of the first mass shootings in the US. Holy shit. So I see people being killed. I see people being killed. Police. You know so much. Hotel guests. My father's desperately trying to get us back over to the hospital. We do. A couple days later, my mother dies. It's so much trauma. My father had to call up because he couldn't afford the funeral. I mean, it was just like a lot of stuff.

From an outside perspective, I have, I have questions. When your mother died from the mass shooting or from something else? She had an illness across the street from where there was a mass shooting. So the mass shooting took place in a hotel? In a hotel. That you were staying in. That we were staying in. So it was across the street from the hospital that your mother was dying.

Geez, that's like a hamburger. It's like a cacophony of crap happening. What year was this? 73. And then the monogamy conversation when you said how hard that was, do you mean that they were talking about being with other people? What do you mean? My mother, who's fragile and ill, said to my father, have you been with anyone?

And I saw him look down and said no. And you knew he was lying? I knew he was lying. Do you think that she was just so sick that she couldn't even comprehend that you were in the room and the ramification of that or do you think it's the narcissist? Couldn't tell you. Probably all of the above. Okay. All of the above. And I also had like, you know, they would always fight and when they fought, every argument, a suitcase got opened. Oh, so it was like, I came into my teenage years,

I just thought I am so screwed up and so damaged. And I just thought, well, this is forever. This is like just I was just going to be screwed up. And then I went to community college and there was two classes and they're like, here's the easy classes, human sexuality and death and dying. And then like human sexuality was full. And I'm like, I can take death and dying. And like all of a sudden there was a language for what I had gone through. There were words for it. There was Kubler-Ross with the stages and I'm like, oh, oh, maybe I can figure this out.

So you were able to sort of control what had happened to you in a way where you, like, knowledge is power. Yes. I'm like, no, and, but I thought I was the only one. I mean, I remember trying to talk to someone once in a stairwell of the hospital about, you know, this is really hard. I remember them saying to me, stay strong. And stay strong, especially to a guy, but I think to anyone, sort of means stuff your feelings and take care of everyone else. So, I didn't know what to do with my feelings. I didn't know how to process any of this. When you're that young,

before you went to the community college, how did you deal with it? Did it manifest? Dropped out of school, dropped out of school in the ninth grade. Thought, you know, screw, I really thought this life screwed up. I was just trying to, I was lost for a few years and just walking the streets and trying

to figure out what to do. My father didn't know how to be a parent, you know, and so it was later on that I went, oh, I wonder, can this be fixable? And luckily I just had a neighbor who said you can go get this thing called a GED. And I got a GED, and then I went to community college, and then I challenged my high school. And it sort of all began to get better as I was trying to figure out my own healing.

Can I ask you maybe an ignorant question? I don't know if it's ignorant or just misplaced a little bit. Can you experience grief with people that have not yet passed while you're still... Oh, yeah. While they're still, like, meaning somebody that's still with us, but there is something that's changed and it's almost like you experience as if they have died. Do you know what I'm saying? He mentioned that narcissists' personalities...

Yeah. Yeah, it's a great question. So just to like sort of think about this in the big picture, I think of grief is always a change you didn't want. And it's the death of something. A breakup is the death of that romantic relationship. A divorce is the death of a marriage. Betrayal is the death of the trust. Being with a

narcissist feels like the death of yourself. And so there's all these losses and the death of a person and pet loss and everything else all under this one word grief. And my follow-up to that is, if that is the case, do the same feelings a breakup or the things that you just described, does it elicit the same feeling chemically in the body as if you had actually lost someone physically or no? They all have a little differences, but essentially yes. I mean the things I teach really apply to it all. Okay. When you learned all these things in community college at first, is there something that

really resonated and woke you up? Can you remember something that you were like, whoa, was it the five stages? Is it six or five? It's five. And then I added the sixth stage. You added the sixth, okay. And the stages that Kubler-Oss talked about are denial. I can't believe this is happening.

And think about this, whether you think about a relationship, a divorce, a death, can't believe this is happening. You know, we also have anger. You get angry about stuff. Bargaining is all the what-ifs. And if only, well, what if I had done this, would the marriage not have ended? What if I had done this? Might they not have died by suicide or you know gone to a different doctor? Then there's depression, the sadness. There's also so many acceptances we have to go through. And so there's so many different feelings and those aren't linear. They're not like five easy steps you know to get through your grief. And the interesting thing is I heard so much over decades of working with people.

We always talk about post-traumatic stress from all these losses. I was interested in post-traumatic growth. And to me, that became the sixth stage, the finding meaning. It seems like when something catastrophic or trauma happens to a person that's so life-changing, they either use it almost to become, and I don't know if this is the right word, a victim, or they use it to fuel. Have you seen the differences between that?

Is there a name for that? Do I even make sense with what I'm saying? Yeah, it makes sense. So here's what happens is that sometimes these horrible things happen and all grief doesn't have trauma, but all trauma has grief. All grief doesn't have trauma. Right, think of your 105 yearold grandfather who had a great life. Yeah, my grandma just passed.

She was well into her 90s and it was peaceful, passing the limit. So there's no trauma there. So all trauma has grief. Right. Sexual abuse is the loss of the trust, the loss of the safety. Narcissism is the loss of the self. So there's always a loss in these things.

And many times when people do trauma work, they forget to do the grief work, and you got to do both. And so when we talk about how we deal with these things, I think it's the thing to recognize we're actually built for this. we're actually built for this. But this is a world that has so minimized what has happened with people. Whether it's sexual abuse over the years, a million different things. I mean, look at the Menendez brothers, there's all kinds of examples of people who... Menendez brothers, not that they didn't do terrible things, but there was a, oh, sexual abuse doesn't happen to men back then. terrible things, but there was a, oh, sexual abuse doesn't happen to men back then. All those things get minimized. And that takes us from being victimized to taking on a victim identity.

And part of my work is to help people find their power again so that they lose that sense of being a victim. You may have been victimized, but you don't have to be a victim your whole life. Out of all the people that you've worked with and interviewed and all your studies, is there a particular trauma that you, it's really difficult? Is there like a spectrum of trauma? Gosh, you know, I have seen so many different things and I think they can all be horrific. I mean, there's a dear friend of mine that like, you know, has been cheated and it was just horrifically humiliating.

There's, you know, other people I know that have had a murder. You know, there's just, there I know that have had a murder. Oh. You know, there's just, there's so much crap in the world. Children dying, stuff happens. You know, sexual abuse, there's people who, you know, and one of the things I try to teach about in old wounds and trauma and how all these things go together is that these things don't just affect us, they really stop us from having healthy relationships. They stop us from having happiness.

I think that's what I realized in my own life that like, oh, I got to work on all this if I'm ever going to have a good relationship with people, if I'm going to be having, you know, satisfying relationships and honest and helpful relationships. Did you work through the steps to move forward and do you feel at this point with all the work you do that you have moved forward from what happened to you? Yes, but here's one of the things I learned that I think is important, especially my old wounds because the stuff that happened,

neglect, my father's rage, someone else, there was sexual abuse. A lot of those little voices and those old wounds ever go away. Yeah. But you can really turn the volume down and learn to just ignore them. And I have a friend, Dr. Edith Eager, who says, take your traumatic wounds and turn them into cherished wounds. And she's been through. She's been through it from the Holocaust to everything else. She's been on the show.

Yeah. She has been through it. I was just at her birthday. It was so, she's just like 97, like amazing, amazing. And so, you know, to realize no matter what you've been through, you can make this life work, but no one teaches us. And the thing is, there's people like her and me who's been through so many things. I don't think, though, so many of us know to go get help. There's people who we all have friends that like, yeah, they just can't have relationships. Nope, they're just never happy with life.

Nope, they can't hold down a job. Yeah, out there. And we forget it's not truly them. It's their old wounds that run their life now. So let me ask you this. We had this really amazing therapist on the show. She wrote the book Good Morning Monster. And I asked her all these questions about therapy and I was like, why aren't you a therapist anymore? And she had been a therapist, I don't know, until maybe her 70s. And she said, I ran out of empathy.

I thought that was very honest and very self-aware. With all that you've seen and done, do you feel one that you'll run out of empathy or two that you already have? Like what is that like? You've seen so much. When someone comes to you crying that they lost their pet parrot, how do you tap back into that and realize it's still grief? And here's that question that makes you different. All right. So, yeah. So, you know, one of the things, gosh, I haven't actually ever answered this one before,

but here's right now all I do is train therapists and run groups online. is train therapists and run groups online. And the reason I don't do one-to-one anymore is there's a part of me that it's hard to sit through, yes, but, no, I can't, no, you're wrong, it's never going to get better. I mean, it's sort of like, if you're so committed to it's never going to get better,

it's really hard for me. I want to see people who are really motivated to change things. And there is a place where people are so wounded, they can't believe change is possible. And I love running groups online and training therapists to help other people now, because that's all I do, and coaches and people. Because there's something about when you have a group, when you yes, but me and go, no, no, you don't understand. I'm like, okay, I don't understand.

Stick around, someone will understand. And then the next person who comes up will say the thing you needed to hear. Or it almost diffuses the negative person. Yeah, it's sort of like we're not sort of debating over whether healing is possible. So let me ask you this question because, and this is populated, Lauren and I were actually just talking about this the other day. She was saying like, why don't you, there's certain people, and this is kind of a selfish question in my personal life where at some point I have stopped, I have decided to stop providing advice or stop working through or stop listening to the same thing in my personal life.

And the reason being is what I have to do with some of these, not everybody, but some people is that some people are just determined to stay in the same place while saying the same thing over and over again. And so what I look at is I'd rather not have the fight or the confrontation or call the person out for something that I think could be changed. It's not my place. It's if they're committed to that. And she was asking me that day, she's like, why don't you say anything anymore to this

person that's close? I'm like, well, I'd rather just maintain the status quo of the relationship because I don't want to have the fight and the energy anymore that make the person uncomfortable any longer. Not that I have every answer, but is... For people like that, that are just committed to stay in it, what can we do to help them, if anything? Here's what helped me a lot.

And it's going to be interesting where I found the answer. A friend of mine, and we became great friends from doing a show together is William Shatner from Star Trek. Oh. OK. He's also in great health, it looks amazing. Great health, like in his 90s too. There was a rule in Star Trek.

It was one of their, I forgot, imperatives, paratives. I forgot someone's going to correct me and tell me what they are. But it was, if you go to a planet and the wheel hasn't been invented, they couldn't tell them about the wheel. And I think about that, people have to find the answer. And I'm just like you, I am a fixer. You give me a problem, like, I love my friends, they're like, hey, I don't know what to do

about this, Nala, you want an answer? I got three options. I love my friends are like, Hey, I don't know what to do about this Nala. You want an answer? I got three options. I love helping people. But if someone's sort of in that place where they're just so wounded, they're committed to no change, I'm like, they got to find the answer when they're ready, not when I'm ready. And I become exactly like you. I'm like, I can't, it's going to backfire if I just try to teach someone who doesn't want to be taught.

Yeah, cause she was asking me the other day, there's someone that's like closer to life. She's like, you can kind of see maybe some of the choices they're making are not going to end well. But this is the hot tip. This is what I say to my friends now. Are you at requests for coaching? Yeah.

And if they say yes, I said you want feedback. Yeah. Same thing. If they say yes, good. If they say no, they just want someone to listen. A lot of time they say yes and they really don't want it. It is true.

It is true. All of the above is true. And the thing is you have to give advice in a detached way. You know, because it annoys me if I spend a lot of time with you and you're like, hmm, all right, well. That's the way I look at it. I'm like, why sour the relationship and, you know, waste the time? Let me ask you this.

You have been around a lot of celebrities. You live in LA. Is there a difference between the way you white glove a celebrity as opposed to someone that's, you know, a regular person off the street? Because there might sometimes there's a narcissistic element to certain celebrities. I... I think grief is an area that's a little different. Okay.

And here's why. Freud had a great quote where someone said, would you rather counsel someone rich or poor? And he said rich. And they said why? And he goes, they know the answer's not in money anymore. And you know, in LA, is that that's a real quote. He said that. That's what I heard. I heard someone will fact check it, but that's right. But that's what I heard.

And I think there's something amazing about that, that in LA, especially if you're doing grief work, is, you know, people understand that all the fame in the world doesn't bring someone dead back. All the money in the world doesn't, you know, and I've been with billionaires who are dying and like they die the same way as everyone else. I mean, death and grief are kind of the great equalizers. You know, when I'm with someone who's getting divorced, their tears are the same whether they're rich, famous. It's really remarkable. And I'll tell you, like on my online group,

it's not like six people, it's hundreds of people. And it's on Zoom. And you're leading it. And I'm leading it. That's cool. And we've had lots of huge celebrities in there with their camera off with a different name. No one knows they're there.

And you're, what are you talking about in these Zooms and what have people found so helpful because they're obviously such a hit? Well, I think, and these are just for death of a person. Okay. And so we have 26 different groups from addiction and death of a sibling to death of a mother, father, child, you know, suicide, fentanyl poisoning. I mean, all the horrible things in the world. I have groups for them. So it's in its niche groups. Yes. And then there's cool big sessions where I work with one or two people online and other people watch.

And so it's a group where like so many people, you know, have come and there's a lot of celebrities that end up doing other things just to help people that they really get it. I mean, you know, whether it's people like Will Reeve, who his father was Superman, Christopher Reeve. You know, he's really tried to educate others. Winona Judd, Ashley Judd have been really wonderful in helping. William Shatner, I mean, a lot of people, you know, there's some celebrities I work with that are like, okay, we're done. This is private.

No one will ever know. And there's others like, let me help other people. Let me share. And there's no right or wrong way to do grief. I just got the cutest little bag in the mail. It is canvas. It's striped. It's a bucket bag.

It's drawstring. It's little. It's canvas, it's striped, it's a bucket bag, it's drawstring, it's little, it's cute, it's by Celine, and I actually got to borrow it. So I get to return it whenever I want. Have you heard of Vivrol? Maybe from this show you have. It's the first of its kind luxury accessories, members only club, and it provides members access to borrow designer handbags, jewelry, watches, and diamonds. There's like fine jewelry on there. You can basically become a member and then members treat the Vivero closet like their own.

So what I do is I just borrow anything within my tier and it has no return dates. So sometimes I'll borrow a bag and I won't give it back for three months. I've borrowed a bag for four months. You could borrow one for a month, whatever you're feeling. Members can swap once per month or keep items for as long as they'd like. The membership starts at $45, and they have the most major, chicest handbags.

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There is one thing that I cannot live without and it is my morning fascia facial manipulation. And I do this every single morning for 10 minutes. It's a little bit of a commitment, but it's changed the texture and the tightness of my skin. So I have to use a specific serum or even an oil with it. And the serum that I've been using lately every single morning is Lawn Comm. And the one that I like was actually recommended to me by a top dermatologist, Dr. Sheila. She has a podcast called Derm Approve and she told me about this serum that has three insane ingredients. There's hyaluronic in it, there's licorice root, and there's also beta-glucon, which is a powerful ingredient that's inspired by the medical

field and this helps to repair your skin's moisture barrier, which we all want. So I look at this as a habit stack. I'm getting a little bit of facial massage in while I use this very powerful serum. The serum's called Genifique Ultimate Serum. I liked it so much that I had the brand send me a bunch. Michael even stole a bottle. It's really like luxurious and it feels amazing, but it plumps your skin like no other. So what I noticed is when I'm massaging my face,

it like gives my skin an umph and increases circulation while it's plumping. And that I think has a lot to do with the hyaluronic acid, which is designed to hydrate and plump. The pure licorice extract is designed to really help with skin tone, which is something I need because sometimes I can get some hyperpigmentation and it also really helps soothe the skin. So this combo in the morning with my facial massage outside is a real win. I like to do it outside. I get my sunlight in.

It's just getting everything all in at once. And you got to do that as a mom. You got to multitask. Shop now on lancome-usa.com. You can use code TSC20. You get 20% off the Genafique Ultimate. Make sure you try this serum if you're looking to upgrade your skin barrier and your facial massage game. My mom died of suicide and I would love to know how you work specifically with people who have

lost someone to suicide because it's so jarring and there's so much guilt and there's so much what if what are the tools that you do to help people so first of all it's your mother yeah your mother's always going to sting yeah it's always going to it also when i became a mother again it brings it up again yeah of course so we're learning a lot. Death by suicide and addiction. What's going on? Just say what's coming up. It's just hard to talk about. Yeah. Yeah. And it's hard to talk about

because of the love you have for her and because of the tragedy that she went through. And here's the thing. 30 years ago, we used to think about death by suicide and addiction. By the way, every one of those tears is a tear of love. Oh my God, he's so cute. He's so sweet. It's true.

It's a tear of love. Well, I think suicide was really different than it was now. It was almost, I wasn't embarrassed, but I could tell the people around me were embarrassed. Right. So we know now death by suicide and addiction are illnesses of the mind. Illnesses of the mind and all the things that people learned back then that, you know, committed suicide. I teach therapists therapists don't use the word committed because committed implies a sin or A crime and negative a little yeah, and death by suicide is not a crime or a sin. It is an illness

Yeah, and and there there's a lot that I think what people don't realize too There's as you know, there's a lot that leads up to it It's not just like they decided to wake up one day and commit suicide. There's a lot of dynamic to it. And here's some of the things people don't know is that the window of death by suicide is often 20 minutes.

What do you mean? It can be like 20 minutes short. People think, oh, they must have been planning it for months. Sometimes it's a 20 minute window. So think, oh, they must have been planning it for months. Sometimes it's a 20 minute window. So you're saying like sometimes people are like, I just need, I need to die. And it doesn't mean they didn't have illness leading up to it. But that wasn't a long drawn out decision that we always think it is.

Sometimes it's short. I think in my case, there was a long, I think it was long. Right. I just wonder like is there a tool for anyone who's listening that's experienced suicide that can help you get over the what if. So I have a free three-part series that's at griefsuicide.com. Okay. And it walks through a lot of the things that come up and how to deal with it all. The other thing that I don't think the average person knows is we've seen children three, five years old have suicidal thoughts. Why? Because it's brain wiring that's off. Ah, that's three? Three, four, five years old. And how do you know that a three-year-old's having it? They say it? When they have talked about it, they have said it, yes. Like later on? No,

at that age. At three? At a young age. Wow. And so it's interesting and part of some of the work I do is with the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention and they have so many resources. The other thing that you may have experienced, I don't know, you can tell me. We always talk about suicide prevention. I work in the field of post-vention. Right. I'm always working after the tragedy has happened. And so a lot of times post-vention doesn't work well with a survivor. Why? Because it makes them feel guilty. Like, oh you know we can save everyone. No we can't. We should try to save everyone. Here's the thing I hope for for

our future. We know now if someone has like a little skin cancer stage one no big deal, you know, scraped it out, it's gone, it's all good. Right? We know stage one cancer, no big deal, get it treated. Stage four, there's advanced aggressive cancer. It's going to be tough, may not survive it. I hope someday in the future, we'll know, oh, that person has stage one mental illness. Yeah. A little therapy is going to help them. Oh, you're a mom? Stage four, advance aggressive mental illness. Wasn't going to be helped by anything in this world. So there's nothing that you can sort of do.

And we know that there is a small segment that there's nothing we can do. Yeah. Because we can't differentiate's nothing we can do. Because we can't differentiate it, we try everything because we don't know who's got advanced, who's not. It's the same with addiction. Some people absolutely get into a program, see a therapist, go to her. Absolutely.

And there's some people, no matter what we do, they're still going to die of addiction. But we got to try it all. You got to try it. How do you know as a survivor of suicide or something like, say your parent had cancer or something horrible, how do you know if you're over it? I don't feel like it's black and white. I don't think there's an over. I think there's a learning to live with it.

Okay. And how do you know that you've gone through the stages of grief? How do you recognize that? I think there is a peace you find. Now, here's the thing. I use the word healing, and when I say healing, I think of healing as when the event no longer controls us. That makes sense. So the thing is you want to be at the place in your life someday where you're going to know, and I've had this experience because of my work,

you're going to know if your child is, you know, 10 minutes late from somewhere, are you, they're in the ditch? Oh my gosh, something horrible and you're catastrophizing? Or are you like, I bet they're late? And you sort of don't let your history dictate all your reactions. It's interesting though how you can feel at peace and then another event can trigger something. I'm not a big fan of the word trigger. Me either. It's not my favorite word. I use activated or intense. Yeah, I'm not a big fan of that word. Tense emotions. And I feel like, you know, I don't know the trigger is the right word. I like, it can bring up emotions. For instance, like I mentioned when I had a daughter, it brings

stuff to the surface that you... Or healing. Yeah, maybe, maybe. But it's it's just interesting how something can bring something up. Yes. It's almost like a pimple that you think you have under control and then you realize you don't and it's still popping up to the surface. And here's the thing and this is really hard. It's really hard for me in my life when crap comes up and reactions come up and triggers and activators and all that to go, this is wanting to be healed. This is like an old friend knocking at my door saying, I still need a

little healing over here. And to give it its due. How does someone who has someone who's experienced something really catastrophic to them be around them? Meaning like, how does my husband show up for me in a healthy way? How does someone who's maybe lost a child, how does their partner show up for them? With empathy and compassion. Yeah. And with not knowing. And the biggest thing is grief isn't about fixing them.

When people have feelings, feelings need to be witnessed. So it's for you to go, wow, I see you're hurting. Like there's nothing he can do. Right, not, honey, let's go see a fun movie. Let's get your mind off this. And you said this earlier, like, I'm a fixer. You know, that's how I would... And I'm a chatter. If you listen to the show,

you're like, this guy doesn't shut up sometimes. But on this subject, if you notice, I just got real quiet because I don't have that experience and I don't have all the tools or the understanding. So I just, like... I think there's nothing for me to even understand how to fix in this scenario. So I just- Correct.

But you knowing that is a huge thing to not try to fix. Because she knows, like if she comes to me with a problem in her business, I'll be chatting to her. Don't you think though, David, and I really want to know your honest opinion on this. I look at what happened with my mother as a huge reason that I have taken control of my life and my business and my family and done some things that I'm really proud of. So it's- That's the meaning. That's the post-traumatic growth.

I feel very expansive in the fact that if that had not happened, I don't know that I would be where I am today. I really can say that. And I will just say this, like there's, we've done almost 800 of these shows. Right. This is probably the second or third time she's ever even mentioned this. Taylor, right? Like, this is, you know, like... I don't need it to define... There's probably people listening that have no idea that this is even part of her story. I don't think it needs... I don't think everything needs to be part of my story.

This is not like a talking point for a press piece that I want to go around about. But what I wanted to ask you was, don't you feel that if you hadn't experienced your mother in the hospital and your father's addiction and your mother dying and the shooting, that you would not be able to Help all these people that you've helped Yes, but here's the other thing I will say

for every one of you There's 20 people we know That we can go. Oh, what's her problem? What's going on? Oh, she had a suicide. That's why she's so lost in life. I never want people to do that. You and I are the exceptions, because most people don't have it within them and don't have the resources to get out of it. That's why it's really important.

Like, you know, with my groups around Death Online, there's like a small fee, but no one's turned away. Because, for lack of funds, because these things need to be available to everyone, resources. Somehow in your life, there were resources around that you were able to take advantage of. I only have to go on my Instagram or Facebook or something to see someone whose mother died by suicide hasn't left the house in 20 years. So how... And just take that in for a moment that like you have turned your pain into purpose. You have to, I mean,

I don't. But everyone can't. And why? Because we don't have the resources for it. We don't know how we don't talk about grief. Let me tell you the fact that you're doing this show. I mean, my phone doesn't ring off the hook with people for podcasts. I mean, I do a fair amount of them,

but this isn't the hottest topic on a podcast. So just what you two are doing right now is reaching people out there. Well, what I find fascinating listening to you talk and as I'm like digesting all this, at some point, grief and death or something, everybody on this planet are going to face sooner or later. It's part of the human condition. I always say the death rate is a hundred percent.

Yeah, and so I, you know, I think people, one, should think about that a little bit and then also talk about it more because you're right, like when I, when Lauren brings up this subject and I seared with other people, people have an opinion on everything. Very few people have an opinion on death and this subject. It's like, this is a moment where people freeze up. They don't know how to say, they don't know how to be. It's uncomfortable.

You don't know how to treat people. You don't know what to say to people. You don't know how to behave. You don't know how to be there for it. And I think it's likely because it's so uncomfortable for everyone because everybody knows it's inevitable that it's either going to happen to them or a loved one or a friend or whatever, that we shy away from it when maybe we should be leaning into it

to understand it a little more. Absolutely. And, you know, even like, I went on TikTok recently, I took that plunge, and it's just so fascinating to me. I do videos all the time, and I did this one on sibling grief that took off. And I'm like, oh, people on TikTok have really had a sibling die. And no one's talking about it. So what is sibling grief? Talk about that.

It's like a brother or sister who have died. But what did you say that people were so intrigued by? you say that people were so, like, intrigued by? First of all, you're younger. And because you're younger often when a sibling dies, like all your friends, you're the 20 year old and all your friends are partying and you just had your sibling die and you're not partying. You don't want, you get thrown into a different world. And sibling death is the only grief that will go, were you close?

Like what? If I'm close, you're going to give me some support? If not, you're not? It's almost worse if you're not close because then there's a guilt element. Because you can't make it better ever. So there's all these things and we don't talk about it. You know, it's really a grief illiterate world. And people get so isolated in their pain.

I want you to think about this. What's the worst thing we do in a war after killing someone? We isolate them. What happens in grief? You try to talk to your friends who just bright side you with toxic positivity and try to cheer you up. And it makes you feel even more alone. And one of the things that's been proven to heal grief

and trauma is connection. The problem though with it is is like when I when it first happened to me everyone reached out you're like overwhelmed with how they reach out and then a year goes by and Mother's Day happens or whatever it is Maybe it's Father's Day for you or a birthday and then it's crickets, which is I get it people have their own lives I understand it But I almost think it's it's nicer as a friend check in later And I'm actually talking about like five years ten years down the line. I talk about the rule of threes. I say, reach out to them at three weeks, three months, three years. Yeah.

Because people are bombarding, just like you said, that first week, that first month. After that, people think you're over it. You can't even see through the windshield the first couple days, the first week. And for those people that are listening, what is an appropriate way to reach out to somebody, to one, be sensitive to what they're going through, but two, to also give them, you know, some support? So, it's just to start with, I don't have the right words and just know I'm here. It's literally not platitudes, but presence.

People want your presence. I don't know what to say, and I love you when I'm here. He doesn't even know what to say, and he's like that you're presence. I don't know what to say and I love you when I'm here. He doesn't even know what to say and he's like that you're saying I don't know what to say and you've done this for your whole life. And I love you when I'm here. So it's just to let the person know that you're a support system if they need it. And quit trying to find the right words. You know, it's interesting.

My website's grief.com. Got it many years ago. I see the back end. The most visited page is the best and the worst things to say to people in grief because we don't know them. I know, but isn't that also kind of making it about the person, not the person who lost someone? Yeah.

Like it's like, what am I, how am I going to appear? That's why we're trying to find the right words and there are none. There are none. And I always tell people, don't start a sentence with, at least, at least they're not suffering anymore, at least they died quickly, at least, you know... It hurts. But see, this is why, because people are so uncomfortable. It's like they're trying to find anything to try to make the person feel a little bit more comfortable.

But to your point, it's like at that point in time... You can't. You can't. There's nothing to say. You know, though... You have to also... There is good things that have come out of death for me. I really do want to say this. Like, one thing in my personality that's ingrained in my personality now, and I don't know if

this is a good thing or a bad thing you could tell me, is I don't find things that other people find a big deal. Because I feel like I've had, like, there's people that have gone to war and what Edith went through is way worse than anything I've gone through. But going through that at a young age has created a life for me where people will freak out about shit. And I'm like, it could be worse. I've tried to explain this about my work for me. Yeah, I've tried to explain this about my wife to people close to us, sometimes on the internet.

When you've gone through something like that, when someone says something, do you mean on the internet? Or somebody says, oh, this thing, or they try... Things that people find a big deal, especially after the last few years. When you've had that happen to you... I don't care. Is it really that big of a deal? So there is, I do want to say about death, there are some positive things.

You become more resilient, muscles that you haven't used that would atrophy without being used get used. Parts of your brain, you get a little bit of an armor. I'm a little bit, I don't care what people think about me. There's things that have happened from the death that I find really positive. There's also like, you know, some other, like in business and in personal finance, like losing a little money or it doesn't, it doesn't rattle or like some people, you know, they lose a little bit.

It's like the worst thing that's ever happened when you've lost a parent like that, like how big of a deal is losing a couple of bucks. I think that what I would like to ask you, I guess, is out of everything you've learned about grief, there are positives, right? Yeah, it really is. You know, everything changes us. Everything in life expands us or contracts us. And so everything can expand us.

It doesn't mean we don't wish for our mothers back. We don't wish for people who have died back. We want them back if we could have them. But we're also realists that we know can't get them back. We want them back if we could have them, but we're also realists that we know can't get them back. So that's off the table. So how do we get more out of this? And you know what's interesting, people get so afraid of this subject. I ran into a neighbor who I hadn't seen in 20 years from a job I had years ago. And she goes, oh, I followed your career. It's really, you know cool what you've done. She goes

I'd be your friend, but it'd be too depressing Here's the shocking thing about me people in my life. I have to remind them what I do for a living You're really light. No you're light. I'm like, you know why? Yeah, because I don't take this for granted. I Don't want like you. I mean, I understand life isn't guaranteed. And so when I know just from my work, oh gosh, people died today. People died yesterday and people gonna die tomorrow.

That doesn't make me contract. That makes me go, wow, let me really dive into this podcast with you. You feel gratitude. Let's make this memory. Well, that's very... Gratitude and going deep and wanting to like drink up life fully. That's very stoic in a lot of ways.

And I'm sure you probably brought that up with Ryan when you talked to him on holiday. Um, yeah, and I think that like, I think that's the, funny enough, that's the right perspective to have about life. Some people go through life taking a lot of things for granted and acting as if they're never going to die, which could be a good and a bad thing. But I think that's why, you know, you hear people's biggest regrets.

I'm sure you've seen this more than me at the end of life is like they regret worrying about the things that they shouldn't have worried about and not doing the things they wish they could have done. And, you know, no one regrets. I should have worked later on a Friday night. I should have really beefed up that resume. I mean, no one regrets those things.

Should have had more money. Right. We didn't connect more. We didn't talk more. We didn't be with each other more. Those little moments that we all. People always, when I talk about the sixth stage, are always thinking thinking about meaning and like, Oh, Ms. Huss started charity. No, you're just supposed to take this moment in, like really take this moment in and enjoy it.

I personally get to see all of the different analytics for this show every time we release an episode. And every time we do an episode around personal finance, it tends to pop. That tells me that people are hungry to learn more about how to manage their money, how to save more, how to invest more. I understand why. Before I started learning about personal finances, finances were a huge stress in my life. I didn't know how to keep money, I didn't know how to save money, I didn't know how to invest money. This is why I love platforms like YNAB so much. YNAB spelled Y-N-A-B is a life-changing app that helps you do what you want with the money you have. You'll create a

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I like drinking my coffee with protein. And how I do this is I'm not super hungry in the morning. So I'll either have eggs before coffee or I'll have bone broth. And the bone broth that I always have is by Kettle and Fire. I like the one that's beef, it's 100% grass-fed beef, it's so delicious, they also have chicken. Kettle and Fire is the cleanest bone broth on the market,

but the best part is, is it has 19 grams of protein per serving and I have this hack that I do. So I have a rice cooker and instead of making the rice with water my stepmom Julie was like you have to try it with bone broth. So I've been making my rice with kettle and fire bone broth. I do a cup of it and then make the rice or I'll make like a big bowl of rice and then I'll put bone broth on top of it to get the protein. You could make a soup with it. It's so delicious. What I like about bone broth is there's so

much collagen in it, which is so good for your skin. Kettle and fire uses only grass fed and finished beef bones, which is a big difference between just grass-fed. You can go do your research on that, but they really care when it comes to the ingredients in their bone broth. I have a pot on my stove ready to go. You can find Kettle and Fire in almost every grocery store nationwide. I remember when they were just in Whole Foods and now they're everywhere. So think Walmart, Target, pretty much anywhere you can buy food. But if you guys want the hookup you can save 20% if you go to kettleandfire.com slash skinny. That's kettleandfire.com slash skinny. I was getting my hair done the other day by a hairstylist who hasn't done my hair

in like a year and she was like, Lauren what is going on with your hair? My hair has never been thicker, it's never been longer, and I don't get a lot of shedding anymore. I don't wear extensions. I used to wear extensions. And I really attribute that to a couple different things. I'm drinking my bone broth, I'm eating lots of meat, I do my grosneedling on my scalp, scalp massage, pillowcase, and I also supplement.

And I take my supplements really seriously when it comes to my hair. The one that I have always taken is NutriFull, and it targets the root causes. So if you have hair thinning, shedding, or hair issues, this is a great one to try. What I've noticed since taking it is I've seen obviously improved hair growth, like I said.

I've just seen like more luscious hair and decreased shedding. My ponytail has never been thicker too and people are noticing and I'm very excited about that that I don't have to wear extensions. It's a clinically tested formula and most importantly I just notice a difference in my hair. If you're unfamiliar, Nutriful is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand. It's trusted by over one and a half million people. They're seeing thicker, stronger, faster growing hair with less shedding in just three to six months with Nutri-Full. Start your hair growth journey with Nutri-Full. For a limited time, Nutri-Full is offering our listeners $10 off your first month subscription and you get free shipping. All you have to do is go to neutrophil.com and enter the promo code skinnyhair.

Find out why over 4,500 healthcare professionals and stylists recommend Nutri-Ful for healthier hair. Nutri-Ful.com spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L.com promo code skinnyhair. That's nutri-ful.com promo code skinny hair. Can we talk about the stages for a second? Sure. Are there of the five stages and now the six that you've added, are there certain stages that people tend to linger in or stay in more than others or some that they tend to go through faster than others or?

I think because of our old wounds, acceptance feels like a bad word. And people think, oh, if I accept it, does that mean I like it? I'm okay with it? No. It just means you acknowledge the reality. I don't like my mom died or your mom died, but it's our reality. And we have to live with that. And many people fight reality. And fighting reality works against us. So, give me an example of what you've seen as a common fight against that reality. Healing would be bad. I'm never going to heal. There's no help for me out there. No one gets me. I'm all alone.

And you know. That's just not real in many cases. Well, it's real for them, but they don't know there's a possibility of more help out there for them. So is it like the old thing where it's like, the person that is receiving, even if it's good sound advice, it's like easy for you to say,

easy for them to say. Absolutely, absolutely. You're not like me, you don't have my circumstances. You didn't grow up the way I did. You, privilege, I didn't have, it's like those people that they're not living basically in reality. And you find reasons to justify healing is not possible. And we don't know how to do this not just with death,

but with relationships. I think the big thing I see in relationships is people need to grieve the person who's broken up with them, or divorcing them, or betraying them. You need to grieve them. In our culture, we think not only did we lose the person, we lost our soulmate. And I'm like, your soulmate isn't the one that leaves. Your soulmate's the one that stays. Agreed. I agreed. I wish more people would realize that.

And if someone wants to leave, let them leave. I'm not going to beg someone to be with me. Like, I don't understand that. Why would I want to be with not going to beg someone to be with me. Like, I don't understand that. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? Because we're so wounded in our attachment from our childhood. We're so afraid if I lose you,

I can't survive. And I always tell people, we come from a long line of dead people. Like, every ancestor you've had has had to deal with loss and survived, and so can you. That's why I like reading history. It's my favorite subject is history because you realize how many at the time insurmountable

things people have actually surmounted and gotten past. You realize how much tragedy and trauma people have gone through and that we're still here chugging along. That's why I just think sometimes the context is difficult for people to grasp when they're in a tough situation. Stepping out of it. That's why they always say the more you can step out of it and the outside perspective is so important because when you're in it, you feel like it's so unique to you and nobody

else but you has experienced this terrible thing when it just happened time and time and time again. And one of the things I'll often have people do is either watch documentaries or biographies exactly to your point. Like if I asked you who are the three people you admire most in the world, living or dead, I promise you they went through a lot of shit.

Well, and one of our favorite books, and I'm sure you know that this is a great book, is Man's Search for Meaning. And the reason I think it's such an incredible book. Victor Frankel, yeah. It's partly where I got this from, the idea. I just, I'm not saying this to laugh, but I don't see how anyone could read that book and then wake up and say, you know, my life is so unique and so challenging and so, I

mean, everyone's got struggles and everyone's trauma is their trauma, but you read a story like that, you're like, man, that was rough to get through. Like that was such a tough, and he came and had so much meaning at the end of that. I can answer that, believe it or not. Go ahead. When we are wounded in our childhood,

we get a wound of personalization that we believe no one has ever gone through this. And it gets us so stuck. No one will understand me, no one gets me, and it's like they can't come out of it to see, oh no, not exactly like you, but something similar or even worse. I mean, with all losses, someone to your right hasn't had it as bad and someone to your left had it worse. That's just the human condition. So for those people that do come out of it, how do they come out of it? They come out of it usually by connection with others, usually by being around other people. I mean, some of the things that are just so helpful.

I mean, we feel silly all the time telling people, take a walk, go take a walk, get out. Just get outside yourself, just like you go to a movie, go read a book, you got to get outside of yourself. I didn't. And have empathy. I didn't. And have empathy. I didn't have that. I wonder, like, I didn't have that. I just didn't have that at the time.

I don't know. There was no connection with others that I had besides, like, my dad and my sister. Like, what does that mean? That might have been enough. Huh. That might have been enough. It's really the people who get so isolated that they have the hardest time.

When you're your grandma. Yeah, but I didn't have, and listen, it would have been great at the time to have like a community of people that you could talk to, but I didn't have that. So I'm just, I'm trying to look back and examine myself from afar, but I read a lot. And that I always say to anyone who's going through grief, that really helped me is to read. What are the people and the mentors and the books that you feel like have, you know, you mentioned Victor Frankl, who are the people that you look to to find your own solace? I think it is people just like who have, I love looking at people with different views. Like I studied years ago, like John Bradshaw, and whether it's Viktor Frankl or Edith Heger,

I mean, so many people who have found so many different insights and have been through it themselves, which I think is so powerful. But don't you feel too also with reading, what I love about reading so much is that, it's kind of like one of the only times that you can stop thinking from your perspective.

Like you're literally thinking from the mind of someone else. Like when I read your book, I'm gonna be thinking from the words that are coming from your mind, not mine. And then of course I'm gonna have a commentary on it inside, but you're almost, as you're reading it, you're like almost another person for a minute. And now it's about videos. I mean I'm trying to make tons of videos just

you know because now maybe if you can just give me three minutes for us just to talk about what you're feeling for you to feel seen and then you're like oh let me learn more about all this. What are the videos that you feel like have activated? We'll say people on the internet and why. You mentioned the sibling one. What are some other clips that you've put up there that you feel like people are responding to? Good or bad?

Anytime I put something up about friends trying to cheer us up and trying to fix us, That always gets a huge reaction. Just talking about loneliness. You know, loneliness is such a big factor in our world. So that comes up a lot. Just helping people feel seen in their trauma and in their grief, letting them know they're not alone. You know, it's sort of on one hand, I want to make sure they feel seen. On the other hand, I also want to give them a little hope. And one of the things I'll say sometimes is, if you're hopeless, that's okay for now. The loss is probably permanent, but your loss of hope is temporary. And I can

hold hope for you until you can find it again. I can hold hope for you. Is the trauma different or worse when a parent loses a child or when a parent loses a child? Or when a child loses a parent? Or is it all just equally indifferent for each person? Well, it's the same relationship, parent and child. And your parent is so core to who you are. Sure. And no one expects their child to die. So they're both really horrible. I mean, one of the things

that people always ask me is which loss is the worst? Is it a betrayal? They're still walking the earth and betraying. Is it a child dying? Is it your parent died that you've had for, you know, 60 years? What's the worst? Your sibling, your twin. I always go, your dog who's there every day, your cat. I always go, the worst loss is yours. Like, I don't know what it's like to have to say goodbye to your mother. I had a different mother. So we can never know each other's losses. And we go into our mind trying to compare them. And I always tell people, you don't have a broken mind, you have a broken heart. Get out of comparing.

I totally agree with that. Just focus on yours. You can't compare. I mean, you just can't, it's, everything is so situational. Last question on this kind of line of questioning. We were talking to somebody who just lost a parent who was sick and battling an illness for a long time.

We were talking to another person who lost their parent suddenly out of nowhere. Have you seen those kinds of deaths impact people in different kinds of ways? And the question we're all sitting around saying, is it worse to kind of lose someone slowly like that or worse to lose someone quickly and out of nowhere? We talk about what's called complicated or prolonged grief. Sudden death causes longer periods of shock. Death of a child, longer periods of shock. Anything that broadside you, if you think you're happily married and then one day, like,

honey, we're divorcing, that's going to take longer. Any surprise always takes longer. Because you've had a moment to grieve. There's been no preparation. Which is why suicide is so... So devastating. But it's also, to me, I was talking to my friend, Michael said, and it's really hard to watch someone die in front of your eyes over a long period of time. It feels like you're

dragging someone over the finish line when they're done. That sounds also horrific. I mean, you're right though, you can't compare it. Right. The worst loss is yours. And there's a thing we haven't talked about called anticipatory grief, which is the grief before the death. And you know, you know they're dying and you're grieving all along. In the same way you can have anticipatory grief with mental illness, you're like, holy cow, they could die with addiction. You also can have it with a marriage or a relationship. You can go, I can just feel this is, you know, winding down and I don't want it to. Can you grieve stages of a person? So like, for instance, say like, you have a parent that's, like, really strong and amazing,

and they're, like, the man about town, and then as they get older, you see them in a different chapter. Is there grief in there? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely, because you're grieving who they were, and you have to be with that new version of them. And so we do have to grieve all those moments and those are losses and like you see it with people with Alzheimer's or you know when people are

losing their abilities you have to grieve then that's a lot of anticipatory grief ahead of time. And what about someone who is in front of you but has narcissistic personality disorder is there grief involved in the people? Yeah. Because you can't really do anything about that. Well, the thing is, I think we used to believe, and a friend of mine's Dr. Ramani, she's amazing, that we used to really believe, like, I can change a narcissist.

And we're seeing that's a real uphill battle. We've had some people come on and say you cannot. And Ramani says you can't. And I kind of lean that way and people have almost feel like they've died trying. And you know, it's gaslighting and suppressing of yourself and you become smaller and smaller. And you know, when people finally get some

breathing room away from the narcissist, they can begin to revive themselves and live again. But it's almost impossible. It's so difficult. If there is someone who's listening, I bet there's all different kinds of people that have all different kinds of grief. Where can they find all of these groups that you do? Sure. So grief.com has tons of free resources. It's got the online group that's called Tender Hearts. It's got the grief certificate program. We do writing through grief and trauma programs.

Lots of different programs are always coming up. All my books are listed there, this newest one finding meaning the workbook. It's like as if we're sitting down at your kitchen table working through the death of the relationship or the death of the person. I'm online, you know, whether it's my handle is I am David KESSLER on Instagram and Facebook and TikTok, all those places, because there's really help out there. And the one thing I want people to know is, of course you want to run from grief and pain. But what we run from pursues us and what we face transforms us.

I think what you're doing is incredible. I think that this is so important for people who have grief. The workbook is amazing. I also, before you go, want to end on something that I think you previously said, which is fear does not stop death. Fear stops life. Maybe you could elaborate. Absolutely.

You know, so many of us, because, you know, people who have had catastrophes catastrophize. And we think, oh my gosh, people are worried about everyone they know being in a wreck, dying all the time. And they think, oh, I'm going to try to prepare. And it's like, no, fear doesn't stop death from happening. Death is going to happen. Fear stops us from living this moment. It's like a waste of, it's a waste. It's a waste of energy. It's out of our control. What's in our control?

This moment with each other. Yeah. This moment's in our control. Where can everyone DM you? Pimp yourself out, David, on your Instagram. I am David Kessler. Go to grief.com. They can email me at David at grief.com.

So many different resources out there. Because, you know, I just want people to know no matter what you have been through, no matter how you've been victimized, no matter how you've been hurt, no matter how many people have died, healing is possible and there's hope. Thank you for coming on the show. Maybe I'll go on Zoom without my camera. It's a major group. Let's do it.

Thank you, David. Thank you.