The Skinny Confidential Him & Her Podcast - How To Reshape & Enhance Your Life By Using Discipline, Repetition, & The Right Mindset Ft. Alan Stein Jr.

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Starting point is 00:01:33 at checkout for 15% off your order. P-R-I-M-A-L-L-Y-P-U-R-E.com. Use code SKINNY. She's a lifestyle blogger extraordinaire. Fantastic. And he's a serial entrepreneur. A very smart cookie. And now Lauren Everts and Michael Bostic are bringing you along for the ride. Get ready for some major realness. Welcome to the Skinny Confidential, him and her. We live in a practical world. We don't live in a perfect world.

Starting point is 00:02:02 So some people get frustrated because they try to design what would be the perfect morning routine, but then they've got jobs and they've got kids and they've got spouses and they've got things going on that don't allow for a perfect routine. It has to be a practical routine. One of the phrases I try to live by is do the best you can with what you have, wherever you are on a morning where your kids aren't screaming at 5am might be a morning where you can stick to your morning routine on a morning where they are screaming at 5am. Then you've got to make some pivots and maybe you turn what what would be a 20-minute meditation into a 10-minute and what would be a 30-minute workout into a 10-minute, but at least you were able to do something. You made the best of that situation. Welcome back, everybody. Welcome back to the Skinny Confidential Him and Her Show. That clip was from our guest of the show today, Allen Stein Jr. And if you're looking for a little

Starting point is 00:02:42 motivation this Monday morning, this episode is for you. Allen Stein Jr. is an experienced keynote speaker and author. At his core, he's a performance coach with a passion for helping business leaders change behaviors. He spent 15 years working with the highest performing basketball players on the planet, including NBA superstars Kevin Durant, Steph Curry, and Kobe Bryant. And this episode is incredible for anyone who's looking to get that extra inch, that extra mile out of their performance, out of their life, taking personal accountability, finding areas we can improve and really just trying to double down to perform better. What I really love about this episode is there's takeaways for everyone here in any walk

Starting point is 00:03:20 of life, any career path, any kind of life at all. And it was just a really incredible conversation. Lauren and I love talking to people like Alan. They're so positive. They leave tangible takeaways that not only ourselves, but our listeners can take as well. So with that, Alan Stein Jr., welcome to the Skinny Confidential Him and Her Show. This is the Skinny Confidential, him and her. This is one of my favorite topics ever, personal discipline. And the reason I love this topic so much is because I was reading something that you wrote earlier. Anyone can apply it to their own life.

Starting point is 00:03:57 What do you think personal discipline is? Let's start with the biggest mistake I think people make around personal discipline. Perfect. They believe it's something you either have or you don't. They believe it's something that's been genetically encoded like eye color or height. And I hear comments all the time, you know, I wish I could do that, Michael. I'm just not personally disciplined.

Starting point is 00:04:16 And I just remind them that that's a story they've been telling themselves, that they're not disciplined. Now, they may have really good evidence, plenty of examples of when they've made undisciplined decisions and that they think that that story's true, but they can change that with the very next decision that they have to make. And every single decision we have to make

Starting point is 00:04:35 from what we're gonna eat for breakfast to who we're gonna follow on Instagram to how we're gonna talk to our children, there's always a choice to make the more disciplined decision. And I just want folks to feel like they have the power to make that choice. And once you start doing that consistently, then you start rewriting the narrative and you start telling yourself the story that I am a disciplined person, which is the story I tell myself every single day.

Starting point is 00:04:58 What I like about this is it's parallel though. And maybe some people, this might hit a nerve, it's parallel with personal accountability. Yes. Right. And I think that that's the difficulty is like, if you, if you admit to yourself that personal discipline is a choice you make, then you also have to admit that personal accountability is a mindset you have to be in. Yes. Well, there's, there's always two sides to the coin. You know, most people will acknowledge that working hard as a choice when they choose to give a good effort in any endeavor in their life, they'll say they chose to work hard.

Starting point is 00:05:27 But if working hard is a choice, by default, not working hard, well, that's also a choice. But most people don't hold themselves accountable to that side of the coin. They deflect by blaming or complaining or making an excuse. But effort is a choice, attitude is a choice. And discipline is absolutely a choice. And I'm a big fan of giving ourselves some grace and some space when we fall short. You know, if you tend to make, let's say later today, you make a less than disciplined decision with what you're going to eat. Well, we have to quickly move to the next play. You can't do anything about the decision you just made.

Starting point is 00:06:00 So there's no reason in stacking shame and guilt on top of that and being very self-critical and weighing yourself down. Just say, I didn't make the most disciplined decision with that meal, but I'm going to get another crack at this the next time I eat or the next opportunity I have to work out or whatever. So look forward to the next chance you have and then take advantage of making that more disciplined decision. You deal with a lot of successful people. You're around a lot of successful people. What are some common denominators that you see throughout? The number one is something I learned from Kobe Bryant back in 2007, and that is the best never get bored with the basics. That if you want to be good in any area of your life, whether it's as a parent, whether it's as a podcast host, whether it's as an entrepreneur, you work towards mastery

Starting point is 00:06:43 of the basics and the fundamentals during the unseen hours. And you make a commitment to building that foundation because the fundamentals are the foundation to which the rest of the house is built in any area of your life, whether it's a personal relationship, whether it's building a company, whether it's a social post that you make, you always have to go back to the fundamentals and the highest performers have appreciation and respect and they value the fundamentals. They never leave them. Now, it doesn't mean that they don't also graduate to more advanced techniques and it doesn't mean they don't take risks and try other things, but it means they never leave that foundation of the basics. And the best

Starting point is 00:07:19 exercise someone can do is figure out what area of your life do you want to level up? Do you want to level up your performance as a sales professional? Do you want to level up your personal relationship? And then ask yourself, what are the handful of basics that go into being really good at that thing? And then those are the things you have to do every single day. And it's not sexy and it can get monotonous and it can get mundane, but the best never leave the basics and have a commitment to them. So obviously we're going to talk a lot about high performance here, but when you're talking about, like, just say the average person that, you know, just wants to take care of the basics

Starting point is 00:07:56 in their life. When you think of the basics, like what are, what are your basics? Well, one of the most important basics in any type of relationship, whether it's a relationship I have in a personal relationship, whether it's with my children, whether it's with business colleagues, is the ability to listen. Something you two do very, very well. The ability to actively listen. Make somebody else feel heard.

Starting point is 00:08:15 Make somebody else feel valued. Make someone else feel appreciated, but also making sure that you are taking in the correct information. See, we usually, when someone's speaking, we're quick to formulate an opinion or we make an assumption or we rush to a conclusion or make a judgment and we're not really listening to what they're saying. So if you want to improve every single relationship

Starting point is 00:08:35 in your life immediately, become a better active listener. And I say that with a smile because I know that's much easier said than done. And most of the things I share are very basic in principle, but very hard to actually do. But listening is one of the things that I've really tried to improve over the last decade of my life.

Starting point is 00:08:53 Because admittedly, 10 years ago, I was a very poor listener. I was too busy, ready to tell someone something that made me look smart or made me feel like I was adding to the conversation. And it wasn't really taking in what they were saying. But as soon as I made the commitment to be disciplined enough to actively listen, it's helped every relationship in my life. And that's one that I think is pretty ubiquitous and can be applied really across the board personally or professionally. Yeah. I think for sure, I still fall into the trap where I don't think there's anyone that's

Starting point is 00:09:24 the most perfect listener. I think everybody can always trap where I don't think there's anyone that's the most perfect listener. I think everybody can always improve at listening. This show has been a constant practice in getting better at listening because I always say, you and I, we could all go to dinner and you have the dinner conversation, but you're in and out and you're passive and the waiter's coming and you can turn and you're tense. When you're doing something like this, it's such an active form of listening because I'm meeting you for the first time and I have to really digest what you say. So it's been extremely helpful in my personal life outside of this show because I have to practice it every single week. Yeah. And this show forces you to do it. Now, if we were to go out to dinner,

Starting point is 00:09:56 obviously we wouldn't have the mics or the headphones at dinner. That'd be a bit awkward. We bring them in our bag. But there could still be some, I'm a big systems and processes guy. And there are certain systems that you can put in place, even at a dinner to increase the likelihood that you'll be actively present. One is put your devices away, put your phones away when you're having dinner with someone to, you know,

Starting point is 00:10:17 don't keep glancing up at the game that's being played at the bar, because every time you put your attention on the game, that's on the TV, you're now no longer present with the people that you're sitting in front of. That's giving Glenn from The Wedding Singer. Go ahead. He's like the worst listener. We used that example the other day and like half the people didn't know we were talking

Starting point is 00:10:35 about it. You know Glenn from The Wedding Singer, right? Of course. Okay, go on. Julia Guglia. Why is that funny? Yeah, that guy. He's the epitome of borderline narcissist that chose not to listen really

Starting point is 00:10:49 to anybody because he thought he was more important than everyone else. Right. But the reason listening is so important is because it plants an unconscious message with the person that you're talking to. And that unconscious message is you are important to me. I value you. I appreciate and respect what you have to say. And that type of unconscious message

Starting point is 00:11:05 is the glue that strengthens all human relationship. If you want people to buy, have buy-in and believe in, then you have to show them they're valuable. And we show them they're valuable by giving them our full attention, which is the number one currency we have to give as human beings is our attention in the present moment. And when there are so many things vying for our attention all of the time, most of which are the devices we tend to be tethered to, putting that down and actually making eye contact and being fully present is a massive connection tool. There was three. We interrupted you. There was three. So don't look at the game you said was number two. What was the third one? Well, and this is a tool that I actually

Starting point is 00:11:42 had to use when I was trying to become a better listener. And at first it feels very clunky. It feels very robotic. It feels scripted, but it's called a list back. And a list back is when, when you're done saying this example, when you're done saying something, Michael, I'm going to list back in your words, what it is that you just said to confirm that I heard you correctly. And this will do two things. One, this will actually, you know, make sure that I have the correct. And this will do two things. One, this will actually make sure that I have the correct information, but two, it is telling you that I've been listening. So Michael, if I'm hearing you correctly, you said, and then you can list it back. And you don't do it every single time. That would be awkward if we were sitting at dinner and every

Starting point is 00:12:17 time you said something, I listed it back. But in certain circumstances, when it's appropriate, when there's a break in the conversation, you list back. And when you use their exact terminology. So if I'm hearing you correctly, Lauren, you think that the gentleman from Wedding Singer is not a very good listener. And that way you're feeling, okay, Alan heard what I said. He's valuing what it is that I'm saying. I'm going to say some more. I have a hot tip too.

Starting point is 00:12:40 And you do a really good job at this already within meeting you. There is nothing worse when you are with two men at a table as a woman and the man that's talking only looks at the other man. I tell my dad this too. When my dad is with his wife or another woman and he's just looking at the other man, I'm like, you have to involve everyone at the table. I think that sometimes men tend to just talk to other men and they don't look at the woman. Little do they know the woman's probably making the whole decision and puppeteering the whole entire thing. So they should probably change their strategy. Or we've been trained. You look at your woman. You don't, you don't. No, but you got it. When, when men are, two men are speaking and there's a woman

Starting point is 00:13:21 at the table, it's important to look at everyone. Well, I don't think people do that just with a man and a woman dynamic. I also think sometimes people do that if they perceive someone at the table to be more important than another person. And I think that's a mistake. So for example, if I go to dinner and I'm with somebody, I'm doing a business deal and his wife is there, but I'm doing it with him and I'm just putting all the attention on him because I perceive him in my world to be more important. That's a mistake, right? Because they're going to get in the car after and she's going to say, what a fucking asshole that guy was, right? And I think it's just rounding out the attention and making sure you're acknowledging everybody and making people feel seen and heard. Yes. And feel safe and included. But see, you two are very, very insightful and you're very

Starting point is 00:14:00 perceptive and you're able to observe that. See, these little nuances tell us a lot more about someone than even the things that they're saying. I mean, another example, if we are out to dinner and we're trying to close a business deal and you're giving me your best, you're really trying to pitch me and sell me hard, but then you're condescending or patronizing or rude to the waiter, that tells me what type of character you have. Now, with that said, I give everyone the grace to have a bad moment. People make mistakes. This is not about perfection. But if I start to notice a trend that you're only nice to me because I have something of value for you and you are not nice to someone that you perceive as not having value to you, that's a huge red flag. I wouldn't

Starting point is 00:14:40 want to enter into a business agreement with someone that has that type of character because down the line, there's going to be a problem. So we have to be very observant in our listening. And part of our listening is what it is that we observe. And I used to say this all the time when I was in the basketball world with players, when a coach was speaking, is you listen with your eyes. You hear with your ears, but you listen with your eyes. When someone is speaking, you give them the respect of making the eye contact that we're all making with each other right now, because that's telling

Starting point is 00:15:08 the other person, I am fully present. If you're looking down at your phone or you're twiddling your hair, you're looking down at your shoe, you may be hearing what I'm saying, but I don't know that you are. If we're making this type of intense eye contact, we're listening to each other. Yeah. I think a lot of people beat up younger generations because they say a lot of them struggle in the dating world now, but I think we all came up without this, right? I didn't have this phone until I was basically out of college. Yes. So I had basically half my life navigating relationships without this thing. I could imagine that if I grew up with this thing in my face constantly, and it was the thing I've picked up when I either felt uncomfortable or insecure or felt

Starting point is 00:15:46 like I didn't have anything to say. And you're looking down at this. I imagine that would be detrimental in building relationships because you're constantly doing what you're talking about, which is taking your attention off the person and putting it into this digital platform or this phone. And I don't think that's an age thing. I think that spans every generation now. But for younger people that have had this their entire life,

Starting point is 00:16:05 it's like you have to actively really work to break free of it and have a human to human interaction. Yes, and I know you guys can appreciate this with young children. See, I actually believe now's the hardest time to be a child. I really believe that. I've got three young kids

Starting point is 00:16:18 and I think now is the hardest time to be a child for that very reason. And when anyone says something disparaging about the generation after them, they're entitled is one we hear all the time. And my retort to that is, yeah, well, who entitled them? It was our generation. It's the adults that are allowing, you know, if my children grow up without having the ability to have interpersonal relationships, because they can only communicate with a device, that is the failure of me as their father. That

Starting point is 00:16:43 has nothing to do with Mark Zuckerberg or Elon Musk or anyone else or whoever made the technology. That's me not putting the boundaries up to make sure that they're able to develop these types of relationships. In any area of life, I firmly believe you get what you accept. If I'm going to accept that my children don't make eye contact, can't shake your hand and can only stare at their phone, then that's what they're going to do. And it is our job as parents and as adults and as influencers to make sure that's not the case. So I don't ever believe in disparaging the younger generation. I believe we lead them to a higher level. But again, that's because personal accountability. You get what you accept. I love that. You get what you accept. How did you even get in to coaching athletes like LeBron, Kevin Durant, Kobe Bryant?

Starting point is 00:17:26 I mean, is this something that you wanted to do when you were young? How does one, did you fall into this? How did this happen? So basketball was my first love. And I fell in love at five years old when my parents signed me up for my first recreation basketball experience and fell in love immediately. And I am so thankful that here 40 plus years later, basketball is still a major pillar of my life. And I've been able to make a living and build an extraordinary life around

Starting point is 00:17:51 something that I've been passionate about since a child. And the first third of my life was a very dedicated basketball player, was able to play at a very small school in North Carolina, Elon University. But then it was clear to me that when I graduated from Elon, that the NBA wasn't calling. So I knew I had to make a pivot. So I decided to become a basketball performance coach. While I was in high school and college, I started to find an equal love for strength and conditioning and fitness and nutrition and mindset. So I figured what could be better than my first job out of college, combining my original love of basketball with this newfound love of performance, training, strength, and conditioning. So that was the avenue I went and was born and raised in a suburb of Washington, DC, which is where I still reside, a small city in Maryland, just north of

Starting point is 00:18:34 DC that has really, really, really good high school basketball. Now we had two of the preeminent high school programs in the country, and I had a chance to serve as the performance coach for both of those. Kevin Durant's the most famous alum that we had at one school, Victor Oladipo and Markel Fultz and a dozen other players came from the other school. So working at those two schools got the attention of Nike and Jordan Brand and USA Basketball. So I was able to earn some opportunities to work events, which is how I met Kobe and LeBron and Stephen Curry and a whole list of players. And I'm so thankful that as a rather mediocre basketball player, I was still able to use the

Starting point is 00:19:11 sport I love to, to afford me these opportunities to travel, to meet people, to have these experiences. And I'm a very observant person. So I, I try to go into any situation, you know, with big eyes, big ears and a small mouth so that I can be taking in what it is that I'm learning. And yeah, I mean, I just learned so many lessons from these players and coaches. And then in 2017, I decided to leave the basketball training space to do what I do presently, which is corporate keynote speaking and writing. But most of what I share is through the lens of a basketball performance coach that learned these things through the sport. And yeah, it's been an amazing journey so far. When these players are coming to you, what are they asking you for and what takeaways are you giving to them? So the big

Starting point is 00:19:55 two things I was responsible for, one was their physical athleticism. So I was trying to bullet proof their body against injury, make their ankles, knees, hips, shoulders stronger and more durable, make them more explosive, get them to a very high conditioning level so that they weren't tired in the fourth quarter. Then the other half was to help them from the mental side, which is what's so applicable to the conversation we're having and what goes on in business is the ability to be mentally tough, which is things like discipline, the ability to be in the present moment, the ability to move to the next play, to control the controllables, to focus on the process. So it was kind of that perfect storm of those two things. And every single one of those things has massive transfer into our own lives. So I can say with a huge smile, I'm a better father because of lessons I've learned from

Starting point is 00:20:39 Kobe Bryant and Kevin Durant. I'm a better speaker because of lessons I've learned and you can list the players. So I think anytime we learn something new, because I understand a vast majority of your listenership might not love basketball as much as I do, but I hope they're still willing to listen to the lessons and then figure out how to apply those to the areas of life that are most important to them. If you were to dumb it down to a couple of those lessons, what are they? One of the biggest ones is learning how to blend confidence with humility. So you need to earn the right to be confident by putting in work during the unseen hours. So a guy like Stephen Curry is incredibly confident on the court because he has put

Starting point is 00:21:19 in so many hours and made so many shots in empty gyms when no one is watching. So you have to earn the right to be confident, but you have to blend that with humility, which is what leaves you open to coaching. It leaves you open to feedback. It leaves you open to saying, no matter how good I am, I can still get better. And that's what's most important. But you have to have that blend. See, if you have all confidence and no humility, you're borderline narcissistic. You're arrogant. You're not easy to play with. And people don't enjoy being around you. If you have no confidence and all you have is humility, then you're a bit of a pushover. You're a bit weak, especially on the court. So we want to marry those two things

Starting point is 00:21:57 together. There's a book, Lorne, what was that book about strength and warmth? And I can't remember the concept. Basically like strength and warmth is like, you want to be someone with both, right? Like you want to, you want to be somebody that when I come to you, I say, okay, I believe you have the strength to basically execute on whatever you're executing on. But I also believe you're not doing it just for yourself. There's altruistic reasons that you're also doing it. Right. And I think that sometimes people struggle with that. Not to harp on Kanye thing, cause that went forever, but that's somebody that started to come off as just overconfident and self-serving, right? In a lot of ways. And people kind of turned on him quick. And regardless of the behaviors, I think that was less relevant to the feeling it gave everybody. It was like, hey, this is not about anybody but

Starting point is 00:22:39 you anymore, right? And it's a constant balancing act. I'm not implying that it's always going to be 50, 50. There are times in your life when it serves you best to be 90% confident, 10% humble, you know, and then there's other times where you need to be able to flip that. I often view that even in a relationship like you all have, we hear this all the time that a relationship should be 50, 50. And, and I don't think that it's 50, 50 very often. There may be times where you show up and you're only bringing 10% to the party. She's going to need to step up and bring 90% to make sure that this thing works. And then there'll be other times- She was giving birth if I said, hey, this is 50-50.

Starting point is 00:23:14 I probably got my head torn off. Yeah, that was probably 99.5 to 0.5, yes. But then there'll be other times where that's going to be in reverse. So what's most important is both people aren't worried about scorekeeping. They're worried about bringing what they need to bring to the relationship to make sure that it works. And same thing with confidence and humility. With mental toughness, what are things that we can do on a day-to-day basis to improve that sort of muscle? Mental toughness is an interesting one because everybody defines it differently. And I know there's certain school of thoughts that they equate mental toughness to the ability to tolerate physical discomfort. That if you can put

Starting point is 00:23:51 on a 50-pound weight vest and go out and jog around the streets of Austin for 10 miles when it's 100 degrees out, that that means you're mentally tough. And that's not really the definition I prescribe to. I believe mental toughness is the ability to stay in the present moment, no matter how chaotic the atmosphere or the environment is. It's the ability to be present. So by that definition, the short definition of that is something I heard. I heard Nick Saban say this, and I heard Oprah say this, and I figured if those two people are saying it, it's got to be true. And that is the phrasing of be where your feet are, which means no matter where you are, be where your feet are. Make sure your head and your heart are in alignment

Starting point is 00:24:29 with where your physical body is at any given point. And that is really hard to do in the midst of adversity, in the midst of chaos. It's really challenging. So give an example of what most people or just some people do when they're not where their feet are. Like what does that look like in practicality? Well, two things. One, they get distracted by the past. They're still living in the past.

Starting point is 00:24:48 They keep thinking about what happened five minutes ago, five days ago, or five years ago. And those things are unchangeable. Now, we can change our relationship with what's happened in the past, but we cannot change the facts of the past. And I think people allow that to anchor them down. Then people also get anxious about the future. They're worried about something that may or may not even happen. You're worried about what's going to happen five minutes, five days, or five weeks from now. So I do believe that we need to learn from the past. And I do believe we need to prepare for the future. I don't believe we need to live in either one of those spaces that most of the time, our faculties are best served in the present moment with what's right in front of us. And there are three components

Starting point is 00:25:28 because I know you guys like takeaways. One is learning how to focus on what we call is the next play. Don't worry about what just happened. Focus on what's happening right now in front of you. You know, in basketball, this is really obvious. You know, Lauren, you just missed the layup. It's all right. Next play. Michael, you just turned the ball over. It's all right. Next play. If either one of you has bad body language and pouts and gets in your feelings because you're upset that you missed the layup or you're upset that you turned the ball over, that means you are not present to give 100%. And in basketball, that means you're probably jogging back on defense, which means the person you're supposed to guard just scored two points on the other end. So you choosing to get caught up in the past means you are not available to invest that

Starting point is 00:26:09 emotional currency in the present. So we lower our ability to perform by allowing ourselves to get stuck in the past. Very Joe Dispenza of you. I love it. I love Joe's work. Yeah. Joe's work has been incredibly influential. But I like the sports analogy because it's very easy to visualize what you can look at that and say like, hey, that happens in life too. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. If you two get in a disagreement later today, do you have the ability to say, all right, let's move to the next play? Or are you going to keep dragging out that conversation or disagreement over and over through dinner? And then worse, you wake up tomorrow morning and then you start rehashing and reliving it again.

Starting point is 00:26:43 You know, that's where we have to be careful. That sounds familiar. Depends on my mood. Of course. But think about it from a sales standpoint. You're in any type of sales, you're smiling and dialing. And my last nine calls ended up with big giant no's. Am I dragging that energy and that pessimism and that negativity into my next call? Or am I wiping the slate clean each time? It's the same thing with pitching a business, anything. A hundred percent. One of the reasons that Stephen Curry is the best shooter to ever play the game. Yes, he has great footwork and mechanics.

Starting point is 00:27:13 Yes, he's gotten in millions of repetitions. Yes, he has unbelievable off the charts, hand-eye coordination. But one of the main reasons is he understands the concept of next play. If Stephen Curry misses six shots in a row, you'll never convince him that that seventh shot isn't going in. He doesn't drag the baggage of six missed shots into the next one. And that is really hard to do. So one component is the next play. And this is actually terminology I use with myself all of the time. I show up as less than my best self with my children and maybe I was a little irritable or maybe I wasn't present.

Starting point is 00:27:45 Maybe I was thinking about being on your show instead of being present with them. I have to quickly move to that next play. The next component is learning how to focus on what you have control over, which we call control the controllables. And I'm of the belief there's only two things we have control over 100% of the time, and that's our own effort and our own attitude. Now, you can mix effort and attitude and you get discipline. You get mixed effort and attitude. You get enthusiasm. You mix effort and attitude and you get preparation. We're in control of those things,

Starting point is 00:28:14 but they're really spokes off of the same wheel. If I can put the vast majority of my focus on giving the best effort I'm capable of as consistently as possible and having the best attitude that I'm capable of as consistently as possible and having the best attitude that I'm capable of as consistently as possible, most things will fall into place in my life. I don't have to spend time worrying about them. Focus on what I have control over and let go of the things that I don't. Yeah. And the other thing on the other side of that is if you know you're giving your best attitude and your best effort and you've done that, even if you fall short, you'd be like, well, that's all I could do. You did everything.

Starting point is 00:28:44 There was nothing I could do. All I can do is all I can do. And that's what those two things. Yeah. And, and we talked about effort earlier that if working hard is a choice, not working hard is also a choice. But if we unpack attitude a little bit, I'm a big believer that attitude has nothing to do with the events and the circumstances in our lives. It doesn't have anything to do with what other people say or do. It has everything to do with how we choose to respond to that. So we do not control external circumstances or events, but we have the choice to choose our response to those. So I try to put so much more of my energy

Starting point is 00:29:16 into having thoughtful, intentional responses. Even when things don't unfold to my preference, I still want to make sure I'm responding in a very thoughtful and intentional way. And because that's all you have control over. I can't change the event. So the more I blame, complain, make excuses about it, it's not going to change. So all I can do is be thoughtful in this thing happened. It wasn't my preference, but what's a decision that I can make that will actually move me just a little bit forward. And that's really where I try to put my attention. Nuts. I am very specific about my nuts. Not those nuts. The nuts you eat. House of macadamias. Okay. The lowest carb nut you should know with more healthy fat than even

Starting point is 00:30:01 an avocado and rich in a rare omega-7 is a macadamia. So enter House of Macadamias. They bring you literally the highest quality macadamia directly to your door. They have all different kinds of flavors. I really like the sea salt. I like to keep it simple. For me, the omega-7s are so important because I run puffy and inflamed and omegas really help with this. Omega-7s, just like beauty benefits for you, have also been linked to natural collagen production, increased skin elasticity, which we love, and most importantly, anti-inflammatory properties. House of Macadamias has a special cold-pressed single batch macadamia oil, which is perfect for drizzling

Starting point is 00:30:45 over a salad or cooking with. I'm a huge fan of the sea salt nuts. I'll grab a handful on the go. A lot of protein, a lot of healthy fat. House of Macadamias products don't ever go on sale, but they're generously giving our listeners a code. You get 20% off all purchases and an exclusive offer just for you. So here's the deal. For a limited time, all first orders will receive a cold-pressed extra virgin macadamia oil. It's truly one of a kind and valued at $20. And this is totally complimentary when you use code skinny at checkout. Visit houseofmacadamias.com to begin indulging in health. All right. Recently, I opened up about my AirSculpt experience. AirSculpt is a minimally invasive body contouring procedure designed to permanently get rid of stubborn fat in one session.

Starting point is 00:31:36 The areas that I did was I opened up on stories. You can see it on a highlight. I created the whole highlight for you was I did my underarms. I did my love handles and then I did underneath my jawline. It was an incredible experience. I still get DMs from you guys asking me about it. I love it. I'll do like an Instagram post and break it down for you too. There's no needles, there's no scalpels, and there's no stitches while you're awake. I noticed such a difference, especially in my arms and jawline. I mean, it's like such a difference. It just kind of like contours and tightens everything. So if you're looking for something to get rid of stubborn fat, maybe you have like an event coming up and you want to do something quick.

Starting point is 00:32:21 Air sculpt is the answer. You're back to your daily routine in under 48 hours. I woke up the next day, walked the beach for two hours, went to lunch, went shopping, and then got on a plane and went home. So the recovery was super easy and seamless. You can visit airsculpt.com slash skinny to find out more about receiving a complimentary AirSculpt area with the purchase of one or more areas. Like I said, that's airsculpt.com slash skinny. And you can find out about receiving a complimentary air sculpt area. The jawline, the arms, you guys, is where it's at. Sometimes I get some flack on this show because my delivery can be blunt and some say maybe harsh at times, but it's rooted in what you're saying, which is, I firmly believe that you can't control any of the events around you. Not only do I believe,

Starting point is 00:33:10 I know it. It's true. And the way that I choose to respond to that is by looking at them as like, well, that is the event. And now I'm the person. So I think sometimes, and especially nowadays, we get into this kind of victim place. Well, listen, I'm not saying there's not victims. Of course, there's victims. There's always victims. There's a lot of people that are playing that card a little too hard in my opinion, right? And they're just constantly living in that victim space where they don't ever want to take this accountability and be like, okay, whatever's going on in the world, whatever happened in politics, whatever law was passed, whatever, like you either have a choice to move forward in a productive way or wallow in your own suffering.

Starting point is 00:33:44 And like, there is a choice. Like you could, two people can be in the exact same circumstance and have completely different lives, right? They can have the same upbringing, the same circumstance, same parent, and have completely utterly different lives. One can be successful. One can be unsuccessful. And I think the successful person is just recognizing that even in terrible circumstances, you always have the option to move forward with a positive attitude in a productive way. Always. We're in perfect alignment on that.

Starting point is 00:34:07 I mean, even just take the global pandemic. I mean, there are some people that will say that is the worst thing that has ever happened to humanity. And there's others that will say that is the best thing that ever happened to humanity. It's the same event. It's just a different perspective. And just so you guys and your listeners don't think I live in some type of fantasy land, I have very distinct preferences on most things. You could ask how I'd prefer any specific scenario or event to turn out. And I'll tell you with great conviction, my preference,

Starting point is 00:34:34 but I've also come to the conclusion. And I say with a huge smile that whoever's in charge of this whole universe, it's not their job to meet all of my preferences that, that it's not whoever's in charge of this big show to make sure Allen Stein Jr. is happy every minute of his life and gets everything he wants every day. It's my job to respond to whatever the world throws at me. And I can either choose a response that moves me forward and makes my life just a little better, or I can choose one, an attitude of victimhood, which is going to actually make it worse. So I do my best to have thoughtful, intentional responses that move me forward. Now I'm not perfect with it because we're human beings, we're fallible, we're flawed. But if most of my responses move me forward,

Starting point is 00:35:14 then I'm going to be on an upward trajectory for the rest of my life, which is my goal. I just finished Arnold Schwarzenegger's book and he has like Arnold's rules at the end of it. And a lot of, a lot of the things you're saying are things that he lives by. I mean, he's a living example. He's put the discipline in. He might be one of the most disciplined people that I've ever read about. I mean, I've never seen anything like it. Anyways, I would love for you to give the audience some tools that they can do on a day-to-day basis to maybe be the best version of themselves. So I have things that I do and I don't get to hit them every day. I don't get my preference every

Starting point is 00:35:50 day, but when I do, I show up as the best version. For instance, meditation, being able to read for an hour. What are things that you do to show up the best version? So here's a self-audit that your listeners, I would love for your listeners to do. I do embrace technology, but I'm kind of old school. I'm 47 years old. So I've grown up straddling pre-technology, post-technology. To make it simple and analog, take out a piece of paper and you draw a line down the middle. On the left side, I want you to come up with an exhaustive list of the things that will just say, fill your bucket, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. The things that you love to do. They light you up. They give you energy. They make you feel confident. They make you feel fulfilled and optimistic. This

Starting point is 00:36:28 could be jumping on your Peloton bike, taking a yoga class, walking your dog around the lake, listening to a documentary or an outstanding podcast like this. Could be meditation or prayer. But what are the things that nourish your soul? And literally, as you're writing the list, you can't help but start to smile. You love this stuff so much. Then on the right side of the line, I want you to write down how you've been spending the bookends of your day, your morning and your evening routine. What do you normally do the first 60 minutes after you wake up and the last 60 minutes before you go to bed? And don't write down what you wish you've been doing or what people on Facebook say

Starting point is 00:37:02 you should be doing. Write down what you've been doing. If the first thing you do when you wake up is grab your phone and check social media or email, then write that down. And that takes some courage and some vulnerability, but write it down. And then to complete the self-audit, you compare the two sides of the paper and you ask yourself arguably the most important question you can ask yourself when it comes to personal development and personal performance. Am I doing the things that I know I need to do to show up as my best self? Now, even unbelievable high performers like you guys will most likely, if you do this with some honesty and some vulnerability, you'll start to uncover what's called a performance gap. And a performance gap

Starting point is 00:37:39 is the gap between what we know we should do to be our best self and what we actually do on a daily basis. And there's always going to be a gap. Now, the world's highest performers have made that gap a razor thin edge, but for most people, they'll start to see a fairly wide gap. I know I need to do this, but I'm not doing it. And the key is, can you start having the discipline and the accountability to slowly, incrementally, and progressively and systematically start taking the things from the left side of the paper and working them into your morning and evening routine. And it doesn't mean by tomorrow morning, you have to have the ideal, perfect two-hour morning

Starting point is 00:38:15 routine. Can you spend 10 minutes tomorrow doing a few of the things that are on this list? And if you can make that commitment, you will start showing up with more energy. You'll show up with more optimism. You'll have a higher sense of fulfillment and you will bring a better version of yourself to everything that you do. Yeah. I, as you were talking and I tell the audiences all the time, Lauren and I have the benefit of learning at the same time as them. I obviously learned a little earlier because I get to sit here with you now before it goes out. I'm going to do that exercise and I don't want people to think that Lauren and I have it all figured out. I guarantee you, we find some performance gaps

Starting point is 00:38:47 in our, even in our lives. And I get the benefit of doing this all the time and learning from people like yourself, but nobody's perfect. And so I think sometimes people listen and they get overwhelmed because like, oh, that's, that person's a high performer. That person has it figured out. That person's a speaker. That person has a business. That's an athlete. That's not me. Right. But what I'm saying is it's everyone. Everyone can find that extra inch. Including yours truly. Think about I get paid for a living to share this stuff from stage and share it on page. And I have performance gaps. I'm not doing every single thing that I know that I need to do. So this is not about perfection. It's not about mastering the game, but here's what I want folks to feel inspired

Starting point is 00:39:24 by. First of all, throw perfection out the window. Life is not perfection. Relationships are not perfection. Business is not perfection. But what we can be inspired by is incremental progress. So my goal for 2023 is can I have fewer performance gaps in 2023 than I had in 2022? Can I consistently make slightly better decisions

Starting point is 00:39:43 in 2023 than I did in 2022? Can I have slightly better habits, slightly better discipline? So it's about just slowly tightening the screws and refocusing the lens to incrementally be just a little bit better. So if anyone listening to this right now feels overwhelmed or feels the temptation to be self-critical that, oh my gosh, my morning and evening routine is a huge mess. Don't worry about perfection. Can you make it just a little bit less of a mess tomorrow morning and the day after that? This concept of be greater than yesterday. I am obsessed with this conversation because it really is editing and refining, editing and refining. It's like you

Starting point is 00:40:22 just have to constantly edit and refine and never feel like you get to the end of the finish line. Yeah. There is no finish line. That's the beautiful part. Right. And we'll always come across new information. You mentioned Joe Dispenza earlier. I mean, I think I first learned about Joe about three years ago, which means I'm 47, which means for 44 years, I was not aware of his brilliant work. And I was doing things without the knowledge of what it is he has to share. Then I hear and read and watch and listen to him and it makes changes. One of your previous guests is one of my all-time favorite, which is Rob Dyrdek. Love Rob. That was a magnificent episode. If anyone listening has not listened

Starting point is 00:40:58 to that episode, go back and listen. Same thing. I've been a fan of Rob's generally speaking forever, but I had no idea his level of what it was that he shared from a personal mastery standpoint. And there are portions of that that I've been able to adopt. Now, his framework doesn't work for me personally because I have some slight OCD tendencies. And if I get too worried about monitoring every minute of my day. It actually stifles me. And I say that with a huge smile and respect because I love Rob and I love his, but his exact framework doesn't work perfectly for me. And I'm not implying that my framework is going to listen for everybody that's listening to this show, but you can pull nuggets from it and pieces and then slowly start to make your own collage and mosaic of what does work for you. And that's what all of us should be aiming for. What is Alan's bookends of his day? What is your morning and night? I can tell it's specific. It's not as specific as you'd think. What I prefer to do is put up certain guardrails, but I don't necessarily have every minute actually accounted for.

Starting point is 00:42:01 In an ideal world, and that's the thing is, we live in a practical world. We don't live in a perfect world. So some people get frustrated because they try to design what would be the perfect morning routine, but then they've got jobs and they've got kids and they've got spouses and they've got things going on that don't allow for a perfect routine. It has to be a practical routine. So that's my favorite thing. When God, when people come on and have these crazy routines and they tell the things that I'm like, Oh, you don't have any kids because, you know, my son wakes up at five in the morning screaming with a dirty diaper and eating food. My routine just went out the window.

Starting point is 00:42:30 Yeah. Well, one of the phrases I try to live by is do the best you can with what you have wherever you are. So on a, on a morning where your kids aren't screaming at 5am might be a morning where you can stick to your morning routine, you know, a little bit better on a morning where they are screaming at 5am, then you've got to make some pivots. And maybe you turn what would be a 20 minute meditation into a 10 minute and what would be a 30 minute workout into a 10 minute, but at least you were able to do something. You made the best of that situation. So every single day when

Starting point is 00:42:57 I wake up, I want to do something that involves my body, my mind, and my heart. What time do you wake up? I'm a natural early riser. I rarely set an alarm unless I have to catch a flight before like 7 a.m., but I naturally wake up around 6.30 in the morning. That's a preference. But keep in mind, kind of with the chicken and the egg, that also means I usually go to bed by 10 or 10.30. I'm not a night owl. I don't stay up late. I'm not a big partier. So when you go to bed at 10 or 10.30, then getting up at 6.30 is pretty reasonable and you've gotten some sleep. So I try and do something that involves my body. Sometimes that's an actual physical workout going for a run lifting some weights I told you guys before the mics went hot. I did some hot cold therapy this morning some sauna mixed with a cold shower

Starting point is 00:43:37 So something for my body. I want to do something to integrate my mind and my mental space So maybe that's listening to your podcast or listening to Joe Dispenza, could be watching a video on YouTube, but something that's going to feed my brain. And then something that's going to engage my emotions could be conversation with a loved one. That's going to kind of get my heart going. And if I can do those three things before I formally start my day, then I feel like I've created a foundation. Now there's sometimes I've got the luxury of having two hours to do all of that. Then there's other times where I have maybe not the luxury and I've got 15 to 20 minutes

Starting point is 00:44:10 to try and squeeze some of that in, but that's okay. It's going to constantly ebb and flow and that's what's most important. Ryan Holiday gave such a good tip. He said that instead of doing his normal at-home routine when he travels, he has a travel routine. I love that. That was really helpful for someone like all three of us that travels a lot. It's like you don't have to stick

Starting point is 00:44:31 to the same routine that you have at home. What do you do to wind down? Are there any pillars that you adhere to when you're getting ready to go to bed? Absolutely. And I'm so glad you brought that up because I think in today's day and age, the morning routine gets all of the headlines. That's what everyone says is so important. But as we say with the chicken and the egg, well, what comes before a morning routine? The previous night's evening routine. Right. So the ability to get quality sleep will then allow you to wake up feeling refreshed and ready to hit that morning routine.

Starting point is 00:44:58 You may be slightly surprised because there aren't very many motivational speakers who will say what I'm about to say. I actually will binge watch Netflix for 60 minutes to 90 minutes before I go to bed because it allows me to turn my mind off, which for me is the number one component to get restful sleep. My mind is like a squirrel

Starting point is 00:45:16 and I am always thinking about something. Now, I also have a really deep fascination with directing, with acting, with cinematography. So when I'm watching a good show, I'm certainly watching it for the content, whether it's a comedy to laugh or a drama to make me think. I'm also watching it because I'm fascinated. Why did they choose that camera angle? Why did they... So it actually stimulates me, but at the same time, it allows me just to unwind. But I have a routine of, I usually take a warm shower at night. I wear the blue blocker

Starting point is 00:45:45 glasses so that I'm not getting the blue rays. I put myself to bed at a fairly consistent time. I keep my room completely blacked out so there's no lights and I don't use electronics when I'm in my room. So I've got certain systems in place that allow that to happen. But every night's a little bit different. And sometimes you travel, you're going to go out with some friends and you may be out eating later than you normally would eat. I'm not a big drinker, but you may have a drink or two. So there's things that can potentially throw it off. So it still goes back to don't worry about perfection. Do the best you can with what you have wherever you are. I think it's good you mentioned things like that because I think there's a lot of wellness gurus, people that'll sometimes

Starting point is 00:46:24 demonize something like watching a screen or TV or playing video games. In my personal life, I'm probably similar to you. My brain's always racing. I'm thinking. It's hard to turn it off. I'm analyzing all this stuff. It can cause stress. It can make it hard to sleep if you're racing like that. If I go and play video games, it's not because I'm addicted to video games is because it's the thing that maybe it'll take me out of where my brain is normally at. Right. And then I'm like, okay, if I can relax a little bit and, or, and that's why I also like working out. If you're doing a hard workout, it may, it forces you not, not a little one, but it's something that really

Starting point is 00:46:57 makes you think and puts you actively in that workout. It takes you out of your normal state of mind. And I think sometimes some of these platforms or practices get demonized, but to me, it's not all black and white, like video games, Netflix, social, whatever it could be, as long as you have the right context and it can take you out of your normal way of thinking and calm your mind down so that you can get restful sleep. Like to me, I'm all for it. Amen. Love that. That was brilliantly described. We have all these people come on and they share the routine and then people build these elaborate routines. But if the routine, to your point, if it gets fucked up in any kind of way, it messes up their whole day.

Starting point is 00:47:29 I hope you're not referring to me because today I couldn't meditate this morning, which was a real bummer. And I've actually planned my meditation for the plane today. Sure. So you better not be trying to peripheral me on this. I can see you speaking out of the center of your mouth. People get so anal about their routines. And then if the routine gets derailed, and also they get anal about their diets, there's a million things.

Starting point is 00:47:49 And if you're traveling, if you have kids, if the day gets hard, if something just goes astray for the day, you have to be able to kind of, to your point, look at the guardrails, get back on the track and say, okay, no big deal. I can keep moving forward. Wait, what did you say earlier? Next game. Next play.

Starting point is 00:48:02 Next play. Next play. Well, the best, let's say fitness routine for this example, the best fitness routine is the one you'll do. I can write up and design the most, from a biological standpoint, the best fitness routine. If you're not going to do it, then I can just go ahead and rip up the piece of paper or delete the text that I sent it. So bottom line is it's what someone will actually put into practice. And that's what we need to do. And you said earlier, so we design something, we do our best to adhere to it, and then we

Starting point is 00:48:30 slowly tweak and refine it. You know, one of the things I try to live by, and I laugh because this is such a basic concept, but there's actually some depth to it. The real key to success, the key to fulfillment, the key to performance is to do more of what works and do less of what doesn't. And I laugh because it's so in our face, but think of how many people right now outside of this studio are consistently doing things that they know don't work, but they've grooved a pattern of repeatable behavior that has given them comfort. And they know that it's not in

Starting point is 00:48:58 their best interest to do it, but they're enjoying it and they're doing it because of the comfort. So to me, just figure out what's working in your life and double down on that. Figure out what's not working and either don't do it or find a way to tweak it. I can give an example that you mentioned earlier. The content that you consume. If you're getting on Instagram and you're scrolling through the page and all of it is gossip, memes, whatever it is. And it's not doing anything to enhance your life. In my opinion, I mute it. I don't want to see it. I star things that I want to see.

Starting point is 00:49:33 And I also am very specific and thoughtful and purposeful about whose content I'm consuming on Instagram stories. If it doesn't add some kind of value to my life, I'm not going to waste my time. And I think a lot of people, one of the things that they're doing that's wasting their time is consuming a bunch of content that they know maybe isn't enhancing anything. Well, listen, I say this all the time. This is no secret at this point of the show. Lauren and I are outspoken characters. We say things that maybe rub people the wrong way. They don't agree all the time. That's been the brand since day one, right? We say how we feel. And some people like that a lot and some people really don't like it. And somebody sent me a review though,

Starting point is 00:50:15 and it was someone on our team that said, they wrote like, sometimes I hate listening to this show just to hear it. And I'm the first one to say, if I make you feel that kind of way, if something upsets you that much, if you're tuning into this show and it's making you feel bad, or it's not making you feel happier, you're not feeling like you can take something productive. I'm the first one to say, turn me off. Go like, there's so like, go listen to you. Go listen. There's a million other options. You got to go to places that make you feel good. I know that if something doesn't make me feel good, I'm not sitting there turning it on to take more suffering. I'm moving to something else. And I think for some reason, some people

Starting point is 00:50:48 have this innate need to like enhance the suffering in their life for no reason. Oh, you're so right on that. Right. It's like move the fuck on. I'm not even just talking about me, but anything, anything that doesn't make you feel good or productive or valuable, like you got to go somewhere else. I love that concept. And another one that I, this is kind of the journey I'm on at present is when I hear something or see something or watch something that conjures up frustration or irritation or any of the emotions that I'd prefer not to have most of the time, I actually ask myself, what is

Starting point is 00:51:20 this triggering deep inside of me? That it's not what Michael just said. He just said something that's actually digging deeper. Self-accountability. Yeah, and I want to figure out what that thing is. Because the point I'm trying to get to is there would be absolutely nothing that either one of you could say

Starting point is 00:51:37 that would dictate my mood or how I feel about myself. Because I'm at peace with, and I've done enough work to figure out that if you say something that's triggering, I'll figure out what it is that it's triggering and I'll do my best to reconcile that. So at present, if someone says or does something and I start to feel that way, I don't blame them. I look inward and go, what is it in me that has not been reconciled that I need to start working on fixing or healing because I don't ever want to give my power away. And if a simple Instagram post can

Starting point is 00:52:05 make me go from zero to a hundred frustration level, that has nothing to do with what they posted. That means there is something inside of me that is not healed or not been resolved. And I want to figure out what that is. So this goes back to this, this idea of personal accountability as Jocko Willink, the Navy SEAL says, extreme ownership. I'm 100% responsible for everything in my life, not the circumstances of the events. I'm 100% responsible for everything in my life, not the circumstances or the events. I'm 100% responsible to the response to those things. And I actually enjoy that part of life. To me, it's a big game. Yeah. Well, I love that.

Starting point is 00:52:35 Put that on a billboard and can you do a book on that next? I may need to. No, that needs to be a book. But I love the perspective of like, I mean, it's simple as me and maybe this is just my rebellious streak. I never want to be in the position where I'm giving somebody's opinions or thoughts or ideas power over the way I feel personally in my own life. Absolutely. Right. And so whether I dislike what they said or disagree, I don't want to be in a position

Starting point is 00:52:59 where I'm giving them the power to dictate how I feel about something for the rest of the day or life. And I think that's as simple as it is. If you're on the internet and you're listening to, not even just us, anybody, just know as soon as that person can make you feel different or take you out of your peaceful state of mind, you have just given your power away to that person. A hundred percent. So then ask yourself why. Why is what they just said bothering me so much? And then you start to unpack it and you figure out well It's it's conjuring up feelings of being disrespected and I don't like feeling disrespected and it takes me back to when I was a child And maybe someone disrespected me and it embarrassed me in front

Starting point is 00:53:34 And you can start to put the pieces together and figure it out And then once you figured it out now you take the power back because now you're not worried Anyone can say or do anything they want. And I should be able to have the wherewithal to have the composure and the poise to not let it dictate my mood or how I'm going to navigate the world. I also think like your energy of the day is like a cell phone battery. It's filled up like a cell phone battery. And I don't want to take one precious percent of my cell phone battery towards someone else posting something. It just feels like a waste of my time. If you have been listening to this podcast and you have not

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Starting point is 00:55:06 proven to increase vitality, longevity. Everything is meant to fill in your nutritional gaps. We had Sherveen on the podcast, who is the founder of Symbiotica, and he told us how so many of us are deficient in magnesium. So this is like an essential mineral for me. I know that it's very important for everyone to have magnesium in their diet. They also have like a D3. That's amazing. You squirt it under your tongue. You really can't go wrong here. You're going to visit symbiotica.com slash skinny. You get 15% off site-wide. I have used my own code so many times I can't even tell you. Visit symbiotica.com slash skinny. All right. If you are an entrepreneur, if you're a business owner,

Starting point is 00:55:57 if you want to start a small business, I have a hack. And this is Squarespace. It's basically like this all-in-one platform to build a beautiful, seamless online presence and run your business at the same time. So you can go on there. You can get websites, online stores set up, marketing tools, analytics, all the things under one umbrella. They have e-coms. So if you want to sell something like we do at the Skinny Confidential, you have the tools right in front of you to get your business off the ground. So this includes inventory management, a simple checkout process. They also know how to connect with the audience and do an amazing sales funnel. They have all things on the site. There's also traffic overview. So you can see your visits and your unique visitors and page views, content ownership, which is really important. You want

Starting point is 00:56:38 to own all the content that you put on Squarespace. So they offer a one-click data portability. They also have a situation if you want to collect donations. So maybe you have a beautiful checkout page and you want to set up a charity so you can donate to that charity when people are checking out. It's just all the things under one that every single entrepreneur and business owner needs. Anyway, you're going to go to squarespace.com slash skinny and you get a free trial. When you're ready to launch, you can use offer code skinny and you save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Head to squarespace.com slash skinny for a free trial today. We traveled to New York this week for a quick trip and in my carry-on was the Perfect Bar.

Starting point is 00:57:28 Let me tell you, these Perfect Bars have saved my life countless times. Michael gets so grumpy when he's hungry. So to have these bars that have 17 grams of protein in them are just like a lifesaver. I also carry them in my diaper bag too for Zaza. They have mini ones that are like six grams of protein. I always carry the dark chocolate chip peanut butter. It's our favorite. It has like sea salt on top, a little crunchy, has like a cookie dough creamy texture. I carry these in all my bags because I want to be able to manage the moods of everyone around me. If you're on the site, I would also pick up the coconut peanut butter and the cookie dough, but you got to try

Starting point is 00:58:10 the dark chocolate chip peanut butter. Every single person I've given this to is just like obsessed. It's a great little snack. I keep mine in the refrigerator in this like acrylic box, which makes it easy to grab on the go. Perfect Bar knows it will be love at first bite. So for a limited time, they're offering you a chance to try their refrigerated protein bars for free. Here's how it works. Sign up for email or texts and upload a picture of your receipt from your local grocery store, and they will reimburse you for the cost of one bar. It's going to go directly to your Venmo or PayPal account. So cool. All you have to do is go to perfectsnacks.com slash skinny to get a free Perfect Bar today. That's perfectsnacks.com slash skinny and you get a free perfect bar today. Happy snacking.

Starting point is 00:58:54 Have you seen the new Chris Rock special that just came out? I have not. I can't wait to see it though. You got to watch it. And Lorne hasn't seen it yet either, but he has one of the funniest lines I've heard. It said, anybody who says words heard has never been punched in the face. And I love it because it's true. It's such an've heard. It said, anybody who says words hurt has never been punched in the face. And I said it out loud because it's true. It's like, it's such an interesting analogy. It's like everybody running a stream saying words hurt.

Starting point is 00:59:12 It's like, well, you haven't. And he was referencing, obviously, when he got slapped by Will Smith. Of course. But it was funny when you think about it because you have all these people who write words hurt, words hurt. And it's not a physical thing, right? It's your perception.

Starting point is 00:59:22 Well, that's the thing. See, the words themselves don't hurt. It's how you choose to internalize them. English is the only language I speak. And sometimes I don't even speak that very well. Let's just say you speak a different language. Let's say you speak Mandarin. If you just said something disparaging to me in Mandarin, I'd have no idea what you say. So those words would not hurt me in the slightest because I can't even interpret what you just said. Especially if you said them with a smile and a friendly tone, you could say something incredibly disrespectful. I would have no clue. So the words themselves aren't what causes the destruction. It's when you say them,

Starting point is 00:59:53 I internalize it and personalize it. And I allow it to conjure up some triggers I have inside of me. And then I start to tell myself a story. I'm getting upset because actually what Michael just said is right. He just said, and that's where we have a problem so yeah I'm with you and I can't wait to see that Chris Rock special he's really good you wrote a book you wrote two books but the first one I want to talk about raise your game high performance secrets from the best of the best I want to I want to do like a two sides here sure what are some of the secrets from the high performers like your favorite personally but then I want to know what are some things that you see? What is it? People who aren't performing doing? Well, we covered a couple of the main premises and raise your game, which is

Starting point is 01:00:36 never get bored with the basics and work towards mastery of the fundamentals, work on balancing humility and confidence. But another one that I think we really need to touch on is falling in love with the process is, is learning how to trust, respect, and appreciate the process. All of us have outcome goals in our world, you know, in our lives, you know, whether it's a business outcome, a relationship outcome, a parenting outcome, we have goals and goals are great because they provide clarity and direction for where we're trying to go. But once you have a goal, now you need to focus on what is the process that will increase the chance that I reach that goal. So what are the mindsets, the skill sets, the habits, the, you know, what are the things I need to do on a daily basis? And high performers understand that. Like a Kobe Bryant can say,

Starting point is 01:01:19 my goal is to win an NBA championship this year. And of course, a lot of NBA players, that's their goal. What can I do? How do I break it down from a process standpoint to increase the chance that happens? First of all, as an individual player on the team, I need to show up as my best self because the very first step to improving the team is improving yourself. You know, if you want a better business next year, then you need to show up better. You know, that's, I mean, we have to take that personal accountability. Then you need to be able to say, how can I be influential and

Starting point is 01:01:48 impactful enough to make that contagious with my teammates? Because basketball is a team sport. How can I support the two of you, my two teammates, so that you're showing up as your best self? Because if collectively all of us improve, then the team will get better and that will move us closer. So learning how to trust and respect the process because doing so will increase the chance you'll get the result that you want. And that could be something like a sales goal. Someone listening to this is in some type of sales or runs their own business and their goal is to sell a million dollars in 2023. Well, once you figure that out, figure out what are the micro steps and decisions and things you need to do that increase the chance that you'll be able to sell that much.

Starting point is 01:02:27 And then you need to make a commitment to doing them. And if those things are measurable, if those things where you can say, I have a checklist, if at the end of every day, I've done these six things, then you're moving closer to that goal, which is all that any of us can do because we can't guarantee outcomes, but we can focus on the process. And if I can rest my head on my pillow at night saying, I did the six things that I know will greatly impact whether I reach that goal. Then if I start to stack some wins and I start to do that consistently, it's usually not a matter of if you're going to hit your goal,

Starting point is 01:02:58 it's just a matter of when. What are some things that people who aren't performing doing? Maybe point some stuff out that you've seen where you're like You know what? We could be doing this better Well, the big one is so let's stick on this theme is they're so outcome driven that if they don't get the outcomes They want in a given day then they think all right. This was a failure. I'm not moving in the direction I want this is never going to happen. So it kind of goes back to focus on what you have control over So you don't necessarily control how much you sell, but you can control whether or not you dial the phone a hundred times

Starting point is 01:03:30 today. And if you say for every hundred phone calls I make, I get 10 people that are interested. And for every 10 people that are interested, I close at a 30% rate, which means every hundred phone calls you make, you make three sales. All right, well now let's figure out how many sales you need to make to hit the million dollar mark. And now it's just math. You might have to make 400 calls a day to close the 12 people each day that will get you closer. But now you know what to do. Now, of course, it's not that perfect. There'll be some days where you close three. There'll be some days where you close 13. There'll be some days where you close zero, but now you just focus on the process. So I don't have to wake up every day saying, did I sell a million dollars?

Starting point is 01:04:07 I just have to wake up every day saying, did I make my 400 calls? And if I did that, then I'm living based on process. And I'm a huge process guy, a huge systems guy, especially with physical wellness and physical fitness. Like, don't worry so much about whether you have a six pack at the moment. Think of the three or four things that if you did consistently, it would increase the chance you would have a six pack and then just start taking pride in doing those few things every single day and then time will tell.

Starting point is 01:04:35 I think in the fitness world, it's so important. And I used to do this. You didn't give yourself enough time to get in shape, right? You'd be like, I'm going to do this and these workouts and this fast and this diet for one month. And then you do it and you don't see the results that you think you're going to get in a month. And so you think it didn't work. What I realized in my personal life was, and when I got my fitness back in order, because listen, I was looking a little shaky

Starting point is 01:04:54 there for a minute. I was like, let's stretch that first base period to a year. Let me take one year of consistent health practices to get a base. It wasn't, I'm going to be a six pack. I'm going to have big muscles. I'm going to get in shape. It wasn't, I'm going to be a six pack. I'm going to have big muscles. I'm going to get in shape. It's like, I just want one year of consistent activity to get a base level. And then even this year, I'm like, I'm going to take one more year to get in good shape.

Starting point is 01:05:14 Right. And on paper now, maybe people would say, okay, you're in good shape. But like, for me, my goal is like, okay, I'm gonna do a year. And what I did was instead of doing one month or two months or three months and then falling short and feeling like it didn't work or feeling discouraged, I'm allowing myself the practice now to say, okay, I'll be strength training three to four days a week. I'll be in that cold plunge three to four

Starting point is 01:05:33 days a week. I'll be walking three to four days a week. And I'm doing that for a year. And after a year, I'll maybe measure some results. Yes. Right. And I just, it was an exercise of stretching it out further than what I was doing before, which was like, Hey, let me take a month before I go to Cabo to have a six pack. And it never worked. Right. Because I, it just, the exercise wasn't long enough. Cause you focused on the process and you focused on what you have control over. Even use this show. I mean, you guys have one of the most highly listened to shows in the world. The reason you have one of the most highly listened to shows in the world is because you put out really solid content, really solid episodes.

Starting point is 01:06:10 Like you focused on the process. See, most people just say, how do I get a top podcast on iTunes? That's the wrong question. The question is how can I be of service and put something out into the ether that people will find valuable? And if I can do that to a great degree, then I'll start to attract my tribe and then they'll tell other people and then slowly you'll build it. So the outcome is I want to heavily listen to podcasts, but the process is, can we get good guests? Can we have insightful, entertaining conversation that adds value?

Starting point is 01:06:32 Can we have practical takeaways? Can we have a high production value? Focus on the things you have control over and then just let the results just happen. Yep. And our thought is also like, Lauren and I talk about this all the time, unless we've had seasons

Starting point is 01:06:44 where like sometimes maybe the show is better than others. We're working. I mean, we've done five, almost 600 episodes, right? But we always say like, this is, we're not even scratched the surface of what we want to do. Like it's repetitions, repetitions. Whenever people come to this company, Dear Media, and they say, hey, I want to do a podcast and I want to be the next Joe Rogan. I'm like, listen, that guy's got 2000 episodes, been doing this for 20 years, right? Or when they say, when people come and they say, I want to be a blogger, how do I make money? I'm like, you got to refine the question.

Starting point is 01:07:10 Yes. How do I solve a problem for an audience? And how do I put out engaging content that actually adds to their lives? And then the money part will find you. And that's, you know, and the other thing you've said, both with the podcast example and your personal fitness journey is you understand there has to be some patience, which we're not always naturally inclined. I'm not a very naturally patient person, but you also believe in consistency and repetition.

Starting point is 01:07:34 It took a long time to believe that though. It took a long time to believe that. Absolutely. Like we, I would argue that we were both not the most patient people for a long period of time. Lauren may be more patient than me, but it's, you know, you, you, I said, I said this a long time ago. Don't make me choke you.

Starting point is 01:07:49 You learn to be patient by being impatient and realizing it doesn't work. Right. So over time, I've realized anytime that's been a quick fix, short hack, something that is quick money, whatever it is, there's no longevity in it. So you have to build patient practices or else you're just going to continue to fall short. Absolutely. And you said something before that let's,

Starting point is 01:08:10 let's pull on this thread for a moment. Repetition, you know, something I say to every player I've worked with, every business I work with. And I say this to my own children, all of the time, repetition is not punishment. Repetition is the oldest and most effective form of learning and skill acquisition on the planet that will never change. If you want to get good at anything, you need to put in the repetitions. And the natural process is the first few repetitions won't be near as good as repetitions down the line. I mean, if you've done 500 episodes of this show, I'm willing to bet your last five are better than your first five. And at that time, you did the best you could with what you had. And those were really good episodes, but you've gotten better at the craft. You've gotten better at listening. You've gotten better at asking questions, probably gotten better at doing due diligence in advance. You

Starting point is 01:08:52 probably have a better comfort level with what you're doing. Same thing. You know, as a keynote speaker, I've given hundreds of keynote talks. My last one was definitely better than the first one that I ever gave. Now I don't beat myself up for the first one because at that time it was the best I could do, but I take pride in repetition. And I can tell you right now, if you have me on your show three years from now, I can promise you that the most recent keynote I will have given at that time

Starting point is 01:09:15 will be better than the next one I'm about to give because I believe in repetition and I believe in continuous improvement. So if you can learn to fall in love with the process, here's the beauty, you've already won in advance. See, if your entire self-worth and confidence is all wrapped up in outcomes, then you live a life that really ebbs and flows. When you hit the outcomes, you feel good. When you fall short, you feel lousy. When you learn to love the process, then you've already won in advance. No matter how many people listen to this specific episode, whether it's one or 1 million is absolutely irrelevant to what we're

Starting point is 01:09:50 trying to create right here, which is a fun and engaging, helpful conversation. That's all that matters. So we got to be process centered. And it's really easy for me to say, very hard to do. And trust me, I get blinded by and distracted by outcomes all of the time. So I don't want anyone to think that I've mastered this. This is something I'm still trying to work on, but I, I know you gave the one earlier, but maybe something that's really great to sort of kickstart being a high performer. Focus is really, really important. Those that perform at a high level do a great job of not allowing themselves to get distracted, not allowing themselves to have their mind wander. So we need to get clarity. So we've, this will be a nice bow tie on the conversation that we've had because we've touched on this. First and foremost is get crystal clear on what your North Star is. What is it? And this can be a siloed North Star just for your business,

Starting point is 01:10:54 or it could be something on a macro level for your whole life. But get crystal clear on what it is that you're trying to achieve in 2023. Maybe it's a personal fitness level. Maybe it's selling a million dollars in whatever you're doing in your business. Get crystal clear on what that goal is. Then figure out what are the four, five, six measurable stats, analytics, habits, mindsets that will increase the chance that I'll reach that thing. And make sure you commit those pen to paper and say that if I do these five or six things, I give myself the best chance to hit that goal. And then every single morning when you wake up and every single night before you go to bed,

Starting point is 01:11:32 make sure you're looking at that list and you're measuring how well you're doing it. You know, today I did four of the five things I need to do. Today was a pretty good day. I'm capable of better, but it was a pretty good day. Tomorrow, see if you can beat that and commit to doing what's on the list, don't worry so much about what that North Star is. And if you can commit to that and you start having consistency and repetition and you start stacking wins, you greatly increase the chance you're going to hit that goal. Allen Stein Jr. Guys, go get his book. It's called Raise Your Game and Sustain Your Game.

Starting point is 01:12:00 I think this episode was so valuable. You are invited back on the podcast in three years. I can't wait to see where you are. Or maybe sooner. We like to do this. Yeah, you're awesome. I'll go ahead and book my flight. Thanks. You guys, also, we got connected through Ed Milet. Alan was on Ed's podcast, so go listen to that. Alan, pimp yourself out. Where can everyone find you, the book, all the things? Website's just alansteinjr.com. If anybody listening, if you have a business or work at a business that brings in keynote speakers, that's my primary vocation. You can find either book on Amazon or Audible, and I'm easily found on social media at Allen Stein Jr. on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn. Take a tremendous amount of pride in being both accessible and responsive. So if something in this conversation struck a chord and someone has a question or wants to share a story, just shoot me a DM on Instagram. I'm really good about getting back to people. Thank you so much for coming on. I had so many

Starting point is 01:12:48 tips from this episode. Alan, it was so nice to meet you. Thanks guys. Wait, don't go. We want to know who you want to hear next on the Skinny Confidential Him and Her Show. We are always taking your feedback and making lists of who you guys want to hear on the show. So let me know on my latest post at Lauren Bostic and make sure you've rated and reviewed the show on iTunes. During my pregnancy with Townes, I decided to switch to all non-toxic beauty. I wanted to try it for you guys to see what I liked. And I also just wanted to be healthy as I was carrying him. So I made the switch. I took all of my products and I put them in a cupboard and then I just sort of did a makeover. And the body oil that I switched

Starting point is 01:13:38 to is by Primally Pure. You've probably seen this on TikTok or Instagram, but there is this body oil trio that they have. It's like a jasmine. It's like a blue body oil and a lemongrass body oil. And it is insane. It's light. It's not too heavy. It's non-greasy. It leaves your skin feeling so buttery soft. I think if you're looking to clean up your skincare routine, this is a great way to do it. You could also even take the body oil and put it all over your arms and then ice roll over it. It's just a magical oil to use. I'm just not a fan either of lotions with so many chemicals. So this is a great switch. If you're on the fence about making the swap to non-toxic products, especially natural deodorant, check out their five-star reviews at PrimallyPure.com for customers just like you. So once you're convinced, use code SKINNY for 15% off. I would definitely get the body oil trio.

Starting point is 01:14:34 You are going to go and use code SKINNY. That's PrimallyPure.com. Use code SKINNY, S-K-I-N-N-Y at checkout for 15% off your order. P-R-I-M-A-L-L-Y-P-U-R-E.com. Use code SKINNY.

The Skinny Confidential Him & Her Podcast - How To Reshape & Enhance Your Life By Using Discipline, Repetition, & The Right Mindset Ft. Alan Stein Jr.

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