The Skinny Confidential Him & Her Podcast - Mel Robbins On Life-Changing Tools & Habits To Rise Up And Build Your Dream Life In 2025 & Beyond

Episode Date: January 6, 2025

#793: Join us as we sit down with Mel Robbins – A New York Times bestselling author & world-renowned podcast host. On a mission to share proven tools to empower you to create a better life, Mel gives insights from her new book, The Let Them Theory - a powerful mindset tool that helps individuals identify what they can control in their lives. In this episode, Mel uncovers science-backed strategies to prioritize what truly matters, put yourself first, & reclaim your time. Learn how to break free from expectations of others, master the 'five-second rule' to overcome fear, & take bold action. Start living life on your terms in 2025!   To connect with Mel Robbins click HERE   To connect with Lauryn Bosstick click HERE   To connect with Michael Bosstick click HERE   Read More on The Skinny Confidential HERE   To Watch the Show click HERE   For Detailed Show Notes visit TSCPODCAST.COM   To Call the Him & Her Hotline call: 1-833-SKINNYS (754-6697)   This episode is brought to you by The Skinny Confidential   Head to the HIM & HER Show ShopMy page HERE to find all of Michael and Lauryn’s favorite products mentioned on their latest episodes.   Visit MelRobbins.com to learn more about The Let Them Theory & explore Mel’s additional books.    This episode is sponsored by Cymbiotika   Go to cymbiotika.com/theskinny and use code SKINNY to save 15% off your subscription order.   This episode is sponsored by Noom   Start your GLP-1 journey today at Noom.com.   This episode is sponsored by Oura   Visit ouraring.com.   This episode is sponsored by Good Ranchers   Subscribe to any Good Ranchers box and use code SKINNY to get $25 off, free express shipping, AND your choice of free ground beef, chicken, or salmon in every order for an entire year.    This episode is sponsored by Seedlip   Start the New Year right by visiting seedlipdrinks.com and entering the code skinnyconfidential to get 20% off your purchase. Promotion is valid until January 15th, 2025.    This episode is sponsored by Kion   Get 20% off by visiting getkion.com/skinny.   This episode is sponsored by Lancôme   Shop now on lancome-usa.com and use code TSC20 for 20% off Genifique Ultimate. Produced by Dear Media

The following podcast is a Dear Media production. He's got potential, him and her. Aha! You get to choose who and how you love. And what's challenging is that so do they. And oftentimes they're not going to choose you. And the thing that I see as the scariest part is that when you start to date and you're in the attraction zone and it's really like awesome, that's great, that's fine. You're two consenting adults, right?

But then there's gonna come a moment in time where you start to realize that you wanna take it to the next level. This is the most dangerous moment because most people are afraid to actually ask for what they want because they're afraid that the person doesn't want the same thing. Holy shit, this episode is going to change your life.

It changed mine, it changed Michael's. I could not be more proud of this one. Mel Robbins is a New York Times bestselling author and world renowned podcast host. On this episode, you're going to discover one mindset hack that will change your life forever. I can confirm I've been using it. It is powerful.

You're also going to get tips that are science backed to prioritize what truly matters and reclaim your time. This is the way to start the year. Send this to all your friends, your family members. Everyone needs this Especially if you're looking for more confidence, this is the one guys. I took notes Mel Robbins Welcome to the him and her show. This is the skinny confidential him and her Mel Robbins, I might have DM'd you a hundred times

Maybe in 2013 to be honest you go back. You're just gonna see me DMing you. hundred times, maybe in 2013 to be honest. You go back, you're just going to see me DMing you. You're finally here. So excited. Did you get the restraining order? Maybe. I might be the one with the restraining order, but you're here. I never give up.

If I can't go through the door, the front door, the back door, the window, I'm coming down the fucking chimney. So you're here. I love that. How about you heard that? Oh, Santa, you're here. Haven't you heard that? Oh, oh, oh, oh, Santa, let's go. Haven't you heard that rustling in your bushes late at night? Yes.

Outside your bedroom window, yeah? Yes, and I live in Vermont, so I thought it was a bear or something. When is the last time that you used the five-second rule yourself? This morning to get out of bed, because I was hungover. Tell us about that. You just woke up and you felt like shit? Well, first of all, for anybody that can just spring out of bed, you're a weirdo. Let's just get that straight, okay?

Like case, case in point right here. I'm a bit of a weirdo. I rest my case, Your Honor. Secondly, I think that the information that's out there about habits is actually wrong. You know how there's a kind of this folklore that if you do something for 21 days in a row, suddenly it becomes a habit. I believe that's only true if you like it. See, if you don't like doing something,

you will always have to force yourself to do it. I personally do not like unloading the dishwasher. I make myself do it. I don't like folding clothes. I like throwing the dirty stuff dishwasher. I make myself do it. I don't like folding clothes. I like throwing the dirty stuff in. I make myself do it. I don't like cleaning out the cat box or picking up the dog poop in the yard.

I make myself do it. Every single morning, and I am the person that invented the five second rule to get myself out of bed when the anxiety was so bad and the problems in my life were so crushing that I just felt like I couldn't get out of bed. To this day, 14 years after inventing 5-4-3-2-1 to get out of bed, I still use it to get out of bed.

Why don't you like to get out of bed today and why didn't you like to get out of bed when you had the anxiety and depression? Are they the same reason? Great question. So there's a million reasons why I don't want to get out of bed. If I'm in a great bed and the sheets are awesome, it feels so good. That's true. And if my husband of 28 years is sitting in there with me, I might want to stay a little longer. And if I have a lot of things that are going on that day and it's a very busy day,

I don't necessarily wanna just jump up and face it. And so the reasons why you might not wanna get out of bed are endless, it could be stored trauma. Like a lot of people don't know this. Anxiety tends to be the highest in the morning for five reasons. Number one, cortisol levels, the stress hormone, and they call it the stress hormone,

but it's also the energy hormone. Because cortisol creates this response in you to get you up and going, right? So cortisol is its highest. That's number one. Number two, if you've been drinking the night before, as you are processing alcohol and the sugar levels drop in your body, the number one symptom of a hangover is what? Anxiety when you wake up in the morning. If you have an experience of being a child where you had chaos or abuse in your household or you were dealing with conditions that children shouldn't, whether it's poverty or racism, you would wake up

with a sense of dread because of what you were waking up to. That is a form of trauma that a lot of people still experience every single morning when they wake up. If you are not happy in your life and you wake up and you have to go through yet another day that's really hard. It feels a lot easier to stay in bed because you immediately think about all the things that you need to do and anxiety is largely either a physiological response in your body or it is you thinking about something that's in the future that you're uncertain or overwhelmed about and and you're doubting your capacity to deal with it.

And so, way back when, when it would have been 2008, February of 2008, my husband and I am 41 years old. We have three kids under the age of 10. My husband has gone into the restaurant business. And I see she knows. Well, her dad's in the restaurant business. Well, there you go. So he opens a pizza restaurant

and the first one was a home run. And so like complete morons, we check, we cashed out our entire life savings, 401k plan, kids college savings. We took out credit cards. We took out a home equity line because what could possibly go wrong? Well, this was 2007 when this happened,

which was when the, yep, see, the global housing crisis hit. And I found myself at the age of 41 in a situation I never thought would happen, where we were $800,000 in debt. The liens- With three kids. Three kids, under 10.

Liens at the house, friends and family had invested. I then lost my job. We were in a financial freefall. And like a high-functioning person, I dealt with these problems by drinking myself into the ground and blaming everything on my husband, Chris. I mean... And you're still together, though.

Yes. There's a story there that we'll get through. Yeah, there's a lot of advice and story there too. And what happened is, you know, look, here's my belief about people. Everybody has just incredible potential. And people know when they're struggling. You know when you're letting yourself go.

You know when you're not making healthy decisions. You know when you are not kind of pushing yourself to reach your potential. And yet, if you find yourself in a situation like I found myself in, where you start to feel very discouraged about where you are, and you start to feel trapped in the place that you're at

or the patterns of behavior that you're in, you start to lose hope that any of the little things that people recommend could actually help. And when you don't have hope, there's absolutely no willingness to try. And so I would wake up every morning and look guys, I knew I needed to get a job. Did I get one? No. I knew I needed to stop drinking. Did I stop? No, I knew I needed to stop screaming at Chris

It's not like he tried to do this. I knew I needed to get the kids on the bus. I Knew I needed to exercise I knew I needed to call my parents and my friends and tell them what was going I didn't do any of it and This is the fundamental issue that a lot of people struggle with I struggled with it which is knowing what you need to do doesn't make you do it. And if you're listening and spending time together with us right now, there is an area of your life

where you know what you need to do to make more money or to be healthier or to stop dating losers or to stop talking yourself out of starting that thing you wanna start, and yet you don't do it. And every single day that goes by where you allow self-doubt to win, or you stop yourself, or you avoid the thing that you know that you really deeply in your heart

want to be doing, you are actually giving up on yourself. And you slowly start to feel more and more discouraged. And that was me. And so I discovered the five-second rule because one night I was sitting there and I don't know if you two have ever been in such a breakdown where you actually talk to yourself out loud. I mean that's a one thing to talk into a mic to other people. It's another thing to be talking to yourself in your own living room. Should I might be in a breakdown every day.

Yeah, there you go. And so I literally was sitting there going, all right, that's it. Tomorrow morning, Mel Robbins, it's the new you. Tomorrow morning, woman, you're getting a job. You're gonna stop being so mean to Chris. You're gonna call your parents and tell them what's going on. You're gonna get your butt out there and start exercising because we know it's good for you.

You're gonna get those kids on the bus. You are gonna start doing the things you need to do. And by God, woman, when that alarm rings, you're not gonna lay there like a human pot roast in bed staring at the ceiling, marinating in your problems, you are gonna get out of bed. And at that exact moment, a rocket ship launched across the television screen at the end of a commercial.

And it gave me this crazy idea. I was like, it's a sign from God, oh my God. That's it. The moment the alarm rings, Mel, you're going to launch yourself out of bed. You're going to move so fast. You're not going to be in that bed when the anxiety hits. Now look, I'd had four bourbon Manhattans that night. That's probably what gave me that idea because it sounds kind of stupid, right? But you like all that vermouth, all the sweet vermouth. Well, who said I put vermouth in it? Okay, great. Just mash up the cherries.

Fair enough. If you're from the Midwest. Right. So, the very next morning, and this is the piece, story aside, to really understand because this will change your life. You, your whole life comes down to these five second windows.

And it's a window of time that once I explain this to you, you will never not see this. So there's this moment where you instinctually know what you should or could do, and that's your potential calling. That's the real you, the authentic you speaking to you. But then you make a fatal mistake because then you stop and consider

whether or not you feel like doing it. And there's this moment of hesitation where you stop and think, how do I feel? How do I, do I want to do this? And so that morning, it was a Tuesday morning in February 2008. And I believe you're one decision away from a very different life. One decision away from a different marriage, one decision away from different health. Because one decision that is intentional and aligned with your power and your potential

actually turns your life in the direction it's supposed to go. It's like the first domino that tips. And what's super cool about dominoes is the first one falls and hits next one, but as the second one hits the third, it can knock over something that's like ten times its size because of the momentum of the forward action. So that morning, Tuesday morning 2008, 41 years old, $800,000 in debt, can barely put gas in the tank and food on the table. I had developed this pattern of hitting the snooze button over and over and over and over again. And as you're listening to us right now, you may be in that place right now. You may be in the place where the first decision that you make is avoidance and procrastination.

That instead of getting out of bed and facing the day, you actually pick up your phone and you rot in bed and you avoid doing what you need to do. That is you actually robbing yourself of the potential of what is possible in your life and the power that you have. And it comes down to this split five second decision. And so that morning, the alarm goes off and I immediately remember that stupid idea

of counting backwards. And I'm like, oh, it's dark, it's cold. I don't feel like it. Like, how's this gonna help? Getting like, ah. And I start reaching for the snooze button. And then I don't know why you guys, I literally just started counting backwards.

Five, four, three, two, one. And I stood up. And that was the first morning in months that I'd actually gotten out of bed when the alarm rang the first time. And I got the kids on the bus. And the next morning, same thing happened. The alarm went off, I remembered that stupid idea,

five, four, three, two, one. And then I started thinking, well, I don't feel like it, and what's it going to solve, and I don't really want to, and 5-4-3-2-1, I'm up again. And it was the third morning where I said to myself, look, Mel, because I'm a kind of cynical person, you know, and I think when you're really stuck, you're kind of married to your stuckness, right, because you know it, and it's kind of scary to take a step forward because what if it doesn't work? I mean as weird as that sounds, like you almost don't believe that it's gonna work so you talk yourself out of it. I was kind of like saying to myself, look you're about to lose everything you care about because

your drinking is spiraling, like you and Chris are fighting like crazy, you're in financial freefall and the bills are piling up and the bankruptcy letters are coming in. Like, you gotta try something. What if, what if this countdown technique actually is something? What if this could help you just move forward right now? And so I made myself a promise that if there was any moment

during that day where I knew what I could or should do, but I didn't feel like doing it, that I would count backwards and do it. Whether it was picking up the phone because, you know, I need a job and I don't know about you guys, but I don't like people. I don't like talking to people. So I don't wanna pick up a phone and network with it,

but five, four, three, two, one, I need a job. I need to get outside, even though it's February outside of Boston and I need to move my body. Five, four, three, two, one, I need a job. I need to get outside, even though it's February outside of Boston, and I need to move my body. 54321, I'm out the door, and I'm gonna tell you something. One five second decision at a time, I slowly turned my life around.

And it's not glamorous, it's grueling. And my husband started using it to 5, four, three, two, one, go back into the business, renegotiate leases with landlords, five, four, three, two, one, restructure the P&L, five, four, three, two, one, work 100 hours a week, five, four, three, two, one, don't snap at the kids, don't... Like, just, we just slowly started inching our life forward. And that's how it all began.

And so one of the things that I also want to say is that using the five second rule in this countdown technique, because I think we all know that we need to force ourselves to do things, but we don't. What I love about this thing is that it's a tool. Concepts are things you think about.

Like we all think about motivation. And the truth is, motivation is complete and utter garbage. You are wasting your life if you're sitting around waiting for motivation to strike. Cause it's not coming. Motivation just means you feel like doing something. And the thing about the human brain is that we are hard wired to default and do the thing that's easy.

That's why we sit on the couch instead of going to the gym. That's why you avoid the hard conversation. That's why I was laying in bed instead of going to the gym. That's why you avoid the hard conversation. That's why I was laying in bed, it's easy. It's also like why you stay in bad relationships or in bad jobs and all these things. Yeah. But it sounds like with this rule,

it essentially doesn't allow you the time to start talking yourself out of something. Yes. See, I now know why it works. It's considered what's called a starting ritual. And a starting ritual is a little tool that you can use to trigger yourself for positive new behavior change because here's the thing about habits and the patterns that you're stuck in.

Patterns actually don't break. You have to replace them with something else. So if you're in a pattern in your life whether it's oversleeping or it's not speaking up at work or it's accepting less than the love and the treatment that you deserve in a relationship, that pattern is going to repeat itself until you recognize it, you interrupt it, and you replace it with something different. You know, nobody becomes sober

until they first stop drinking and then replace it with something else. And the same is true with anything in human behavior. And the exciting thing is that if you have a tool that allows you to just interrupt your feelings, then you now have power over your feelings. And the mistake that I made for 41 years was thinking how I felt had to dictate what I do.

And that's the problem. You can learn this skill of taking action, no matter how you feel. You can feel afraid and five, four, three, two, one, push yourself to do it. So let me ask you this. When people that follow you and listen to you and watch your stuff, when they, there's been a big moment here where it's like, well, I feel like there's a lot of people are in their feelings these days, which I don't find anything wrong with, but it's- Well, first of all, if you understand the psychology of it, your feelings are

actually automatic. You have no control over the feelings that rise up. And if you really think about the fact that none of us really understand our emotions, and so if you wake up in the morning and you feel unmotivated or you feel dread or you feel overwhelmed or you feel scared, you can't stop those feelings from coming up. But you do have a choice, and this is where the let them theory also comes in, about how you respond in that moment. And for far too long I was the kind of person, and most people are because we

don't understand the nature of emotion versus thought and action. I was the kind of person that was waiting around to feel like doing something. And I'm here to tell you that if you're going to wait to feel motivated and ready to do something, it means you're never going to do it. But what I was going to ask you is, do you think it can be a vulnerability to feel that you need to feel good about things all the time

in order to do them? Like, I don't feel good all the time about a lot of things I do. Meaning, like, not a bad person, but like, I don't feel good when I have to drag my ass into jail. Of course you don't. I don't feel good when I have to... Why would you?

But the point is, like, you have to do them. And I'm wondering if we're living in an age where people are maybe delusional in the sense that they feel they need to feel good all the time in order to do certain things. See, I think we've mistaken motivation forever. And that I also believe people are focused on the wrong thing when you talk about discipline or willpower.

I actually don't think you need either one of those things. I think you need a tool. And you need to recognize that you have the ability to feel sad or feel scared and five, 4, 3, 2, 1, take the action. And what we know based on the science is that when you take the action, the action overrides the feeling. It's almost a little bit of a habit stack too. You feel the feeling, you habit stack it with the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. And so you almost, you probably, I would think now you do this naturally.

Yeah. Oh, so what it did is it built this skill that anyone can learn and that you need to learn. Because anybody that you admire, whether they have the health that you want or they've built the business that you want or they're an influencer and that's what you wanna do or they have the relationship that you want,

anything that somebody else has created, you can absolutely create for yourself. No question in my mind. But if you're waiting around to feel ready, you're not going to do it. And what I have found, and I think my story in terms of the crazy amount of success that I have built from 14 years ago in the whole rock bottom moment to where I am now, there's nothing different about me. Literally, there's nothing like unique. I just did what most people and what I even couldn't do. I

get out of bed on the mornings when I don't feel like it and I do the boring, unglamorous, tedious, annoying things. Give us a couple of examples of something that you find boring. Oh my god. You mentioned the dishes. What else? Give us little things. How about looking at analytics in a business and trying to figure out the universal tracking method codes that aren't working?

That's kind of boring. What about the toilet paper running out at the office and seeing that the Amazon order didn't come through? That's kind of boring. Yeah. and seeing that the Amazon order didn't come through, that's kind of boring. What about trying to figure out how we're gonna rebook somebody that can't, like that's kind of boring. Driving the cat to the vet, that's boring.

What isn't boring? And the thing is, is that we, again, what also happens is even if you get started with your health goals, right, the research shows, they did this interesting research on Strava where they crunched like, I don't even, it's like 800 million pieces of data. And they figured out that on day 19, they call it quitter's day. Day 19 of somebody deciding you're going to get in shape. Day 19 is when people quit. Why? Because that's when it gets boring and you don't see results yet. And so your feelings that this isn't working and you don't really

like doing this and all of those feelings come up, so you quit. And the thing that I never did, thanks to the five second rule, is I've built this skill of just doing the reps. You know, you go to the gym, it is not that exciting to do a bicep curl, but you gotta put the reps in. And I have a daughter who's a singer-songwriter and she has now adopted this terminology too. She's like, I'm just doing the reps. I'm on my own timeline.

And you are going to screw yourself over if you're like, by when? By 30, I'm gonna do this. Because you're gonna give up if you don't think that you're going. Closer to it. See, I think you need to learn the skill of getting out of bed and doing the reps,

whatever the reps are, and you can figure out what they are because the greatest thing about life and the let them theory is gonna help you with this, is that other people don't block your way. Like, there is so much success and happiness and wealth and friendship and love and success to go around. It's in limitless supply. and happiness and wealth and friendship and love and success to go around.

It's in limitless supply. And you make the mistake of thinking that because somebody else has done something that you want, somehow it's blocking your ability to do it. Well, I feel like that's an excuse not to execute. Well it is and it's extremely common. And the thing about it is, is that the sad thing is that if somebody else has what you want, they have demonstrated a formula that helps you get it. It's funny when you talk about the reps because that, people, they ask all the time, you get asked this I'm sure too,

when was the epiphany where you went viral or when it, it's just reps. That's all it is. It's my whole career for the last 13 years is reps. And it's not giving up. It's not giving up, it's reps. You're giving a little Jay-Z, the Jay-Z quote, the genius thing I did was never give up. Anyone ever compared you to Jay-Z? No, but I'll take it. That's a humongous compliment.

The genius thing we did was never give up. Yeah. It's the same like energy. Yes, and here's the other thing. So like, if you take the five second rule, which is what fundamentally changed my relationship with myself, because I realized that inside of me, and this is why I believe with every cell of my body in the unbelievable potential of every human being.

The person, like as you're spending time with us right now and you're listening to us in the car or on your walk, I believe that about you. And no one can block you from that potential but yourself. And when you learn this skill, that you can have emotion and opinions about things, but just focus five, four, three, two, one on the thing that needs to get done. And I'm going to give you another example of this to just really drive this home.

So the most famous tagline in the world, Nike, just do it, right? If you think about those three words, just do it. What is the most important word in those three words? Just. Bingo. Oh, come on. He's always right. Why is it just? Well, imagine if the tagline had been do it. That's not that motivating. In fact, the human wiring. Because the just makes it simple. It's like it's simply that's the formulas. Like you just have to do it. Actually, it's something deeper. Okay. So you were talking about feelings.

And the reason why this is the most powerful corporate tagline in the world is because Nike is recognizing your humanity. They're recognizing both your desire to jump in the game and they're recognizing that as you're standing there on the sideline, it's your own self-doubt and your own excuses that are making you hesitate. You're stopping to think. And so they're beckoning you.

They're basically saying, I see you over there and I see your potential and I see you holding yourself back. Just do it. I wonder if my mother wrote that and you holding yourself back, just do it. I wonder if my mother wrote that. It smacked me upside the head. Seriously. That's why... That's why... Do you see the power in that, though?

100%. Yeah, no, like I said, like the way I look at it is it's like... what registers in my head and the reason I said justice, because it's just... It's a very... It's a simple concept as well. Mm-hmm. It's not over-complicated. People. People over complicate everything, I feel. Well, true.

And if you're already stuck in subconscious patterns and you're already stressed and beating yourself up, you have no ability to apply something intellectual or complicated. And what I've found in my life is that the bigger the problem or the bigger the opportunity, the simpler the solution. Let me ask you this. You've got to get DMs and emails from people

that are giving you an excuse of why they can't apply your teaching. The five second rule, you don't. Nope. You don't. So I was gonna say, is there ever been someone that gives you an actual real excuse of why they can't use this rule? It sounds like it's you and...

No. Never. No, because here's the trick. The moment you start counting, it's a Trojan horse. So they can't DM you. No, no, no, no. The moment you start counting backwards, five, four, three, two, one, you've already made the decision to go. It's the first domino. So the first action is actually the counting. So no one's like ever tried to get in there and get you to say, you know what, you're right, you shouldn't do it. What do you mean? Like I don't know DMs have just like, well, it's me, I can't do it because of this.

Like we, you know, there's a lot of, you know, Maybe excuses of why they can't do something. Their story is so unique that these teachings or practices don't apply to them. Well, what I will say is having been stuck and feeling very lost for a lot of my life, I think that when you're stuck, you think you're the only one. Right. And you're really upstairs. And there's a lot of research about the fact

that one of the single biggest symptoms of depression is rumination, which is talking to yourself about your problems, which only makes it bigger. And, you know, I don't know if you two are interested or into manifesting and the brain science around that, or if as you're listening to us right now, if you are, but it is very real. Like you are always manifesting your future.

You're either doing it in the negative by worrying, or you're doing it in the positive. Because manifesting is nothing more if you're doing it by the science and you're doing it correctly. Is you wiring your brain to help you filter the world to see what you want to see more of. That's all that it is.

And so if you are so stressed and stuck and isolated and in your thoughts, then you're continuing to see a world that reflects all of those things. Right. But when you, and here's the power of taking action. When you start going five, four, three, two, one, and you get out of bed, you now see yourself differently because you are no longer a person that lies in bed. When you are the person in your friend group that says, screw it, I'm taking the affiliate marketing class and I'm going to launch this business.

When you see yourself five, four, three, two, one, take the action, you actually see yourself differently. And everything about how you see yourself starts to change, not because of how you think, but because of what you do. And I find the fastest way for you to bring your confidence online and for you to be proud of yourself is stop talking and start doing.

Don't tell me, show me. And when you truly grasp that I mean it, you could do anything. If I can get my ass out of bed at 41 and face those problems and I can literally make my marriage stronger and I can get control of the drinking and I can build this skill where if I want to, if I'm interested in something, I try it. I don't even think about it anymore. Like why not try a podcast? Why not get into YouTube syndication? Why not figure out AI search, natural language

and get encoded into the back end of the site? Why not try out dubbing? I don't even stop and think, Mel, you're 56 years old. What makes you think that you can compete at this level? I'll tell you what makes me think I can, because I'm gonna try. And if you look at the research on confidence, so if you're listening to me right now

and you can hear these words and you're somebody that struggles with self-doubt or imposter syndrome, I'm gonna tell you something. The research about confidence is very clear that confidence isn't a feeling. You don't feel confident. Confidence, the definition I want you to really embrace and live by is the willingness to try.

Because every time you try, especially in the face of doubt, you are displaying that you believe in your ability to survive whatever happens next. And so it's in the trying that you show yourself that you are capable of trying something and failing. And what makes you feel full of doubt and imposter syndrome is that you sit in your head and tell yourself you can't.

And every day that you wake up and you don't do the thing, whether it's going to the gym or asking that person out or ending the relationship that you know, like you know that the person that you're with is not the person you wanna be with. You're dating the potential. You're making excuses for crappy behavior. The person that you're with is not the person you want to be with. You're dating the potential. You're making excuses for crappy behavior. The person that you've slept with is slinking out like a cat in the middle of the morning and you're telling yourself that somehow they love you.

Stop doing that. Stop. And the second that you take action in a different direction, you start to see yourself differently. What are some things that you've seen with people who have applied this? What are some transformations that have blown your mind? Oh, my God, this is being used in clinic. We know of more than 1,000 people

who stopped themselves from committing suicide. Wow. Uh-huh. This is being used in... Oh, my gosh. It's extremely helpful with OCD and PTSD. Wow. It is being used by pediatricians to help patients with anxiety. People have lost two, three, four hundred pounds.

People have launched and sold businesses. Why? Because action creates results. You can achieve anything if you're willing to put your head down and chip away at it. And I truly believe that. And if you really, as you're hearing my voice right now, if you really embrace that it's true, because I know you have deep dreams inside you, I know you have things that you're jealous that other people are doing, well, jealousy is trapped desire. Jealousy is a signal that that's

something that you want too. And if you're willing to get up and every day just put one foot in front of the other. Just spend 15 minutes, five four three two one, inching something forward, learning about something new. If you're interested in AI, you could spend 15 minutes a day just watching classes online. And what happens over time is you develop this skill that if you're interested in something, you lean toward it. And what's so exciting about today's world is, you know, anything that you would like to do in your life, whether it's make a million dollars or launch your own business or get

out of a pattern of chasing people who are not available to you, or healing your trauma, anything you want, repairing your relationship with your mom. Somebody's done it, and they've written a book, or they do a podcast, or they've talked about it online, so there is a formula. And if there's a formula, you now have a map to follow.

And if you don't know the formula, just go into Google and then the AI responses will literally step by step. You can actually go into ChatGTP and say, please describe a day in the life of a person that is an influencer that makes $500,000 a year and tell me the morning routine and the evening routine and the 17 things that they do. And you will get a list of the things that somebody does.

And there is your map. And now here comes the biggest question that you have to ask yourself. Are you willing to get up every day when you don't feel like it and actually do one of those things on the list? Well, it's funny because I'm sure you've crossed paths with Gary Vee over the years and so I've never met him.

You've never met him? But we text back and forth. Oh my gosh. You guys have to podcast together. That's my dream. I feel like he's the male Mel. You would love, but the funny thing is people, he's talked about this for years and he's a friend and he says, like, he gives away all of this information for free to anyone

to listen. And they're like, Oh, aren't you worried that someone's going to, he's like, listen, the problem is the majority of people don't take that information and then do it. Like they get it all. They see it and they say, that's the formula. That's the roadmap. That's what this person did. That's what works.

And then they don't do it. The primary reason why people don't follow formulas is because you actually are more concerned about what people are going to think when you do it. Then you are about how proud you're going to think when you do it, than you are about how proud you're going to be when you do. And the biggest thing that happens when somebody gets the formula for launching a podcast business or becoming an influencer is you now think people are going to think you copied them or that you didn't and you did because we all do it the same way. That's why there's a

formula. And by the way you're're gonna put your own spin on it because you're you. And by the way, podcasters copied radio personalities and radio personalities copied orators. Of course. It's like the tale told us time. And so you literally, and this gets into the let them theory

because I personally believe that once you understand and embrace the first thing I'm teaching you, which is it is a skill that you can learn to make it a superpower to just try. It is a skill that you can learn using this countdown technique, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, to leverage courage and tap instant like go, motivation in any moment, no matter how you feel. You want to be more visible at work and not get passed over, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, you better start speaking up in meetings. 5, 4, 3, two, one. You better start speaking up in meetings.

Five, four, three, two, one. You better get up and start doing more cold calls. You want to sell more real estate, you better start a social media profile. You better start telling your friends and asking for a referral. You better start going door to door on the block where a house came up because we know based on research that other houses are going to probably come up on that block. The things to do are easy. There is no lack of information.

The issue is the action. And so now I've just given you the tool and the research. And the five-second rule has spread around the world. It is used in clinical settings. It is used by the world's leading CEOs. I am the most booked female speaker on the corporate circuit for a reason. And it's because this works and it's simple. And if you're going to change behavior, you need to interrupt what you're currently doing and then boom,

push yourself in a different direction and you're capable of it. And so this is good news because you already know what you need to be doing. And the assignment is simple. Pick one change that you have been afraid to start or too overwhelmed or you're full of excuses. One change. And then I want you tomorrow morning when the alarm rings, I want you to do something really important.

When that alarm rings, I want you to go 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and don't you dare pick up your phone. Don't you dare. And the reason why is because the second you pick up your phone, you actually give your attention and your time and your energy to the world. You just let a bunch of strangers and headlines and crap that doesn't matter. Step right in front of your dreams and your focus and your attention.

And I'm going to tell you, if you can go 5-4-3-2-1 and get out of bed and actually not look at your phone, but go do something else for 10 minutes. Go take a walk outside, go get sun in your eyes, go meditate, go exercise, go write in your journal, do something other than look at your phone. If you can do that, you can actually do anything. And what's gonna happen tomorrow morning when you do this, and I'm gonna tell you something,

only 0.5% of the people that are listening to my voice right now, and yes, I'm talking to you as you're spending time with us, as you're in the car or at the gym or whatever, you won't do it. Because when that alarm rings, you're not gonna feel like doing it. And that's gonna prove my point.

And even if the alarm rings and you go 5-4-3-2-1 and you're gonna stand up, you're gonna see the phone, you're gonna be like, ah, and you're gonna feel like picking it up. -♪ GLP Ones, you have seen it all over social media. We've talked about it a lot on the show. We've had doctors, experts, scientists dissect it, and it seems to be that the best way to do it is to make sure you're doing it strategically. So that's where Noom comes

in. The Noom app comes with a number of features like protein tracking, so you can ensure that you're getting the right nutrients and fitness classes while you're on the GLP-1. So this is going to make sure that you keep the muscle while it's losing the fat. Neum doesn't just give access to meds, it helps you build healthy habits so you can lose the weight and keep it off. Their Neum GLP-1 is available and ships to your door in seven days. It's affordable, it starts at $149. Essentially what the app does is it combines

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and I think it's awesome that you get access to a clinician, a coach, and even a supportive community all from within the app on your phone. Noom GLP-1 starts at $149 and is delivered to your door in seven days. Start your GLP-1 journey today at noom.com. That's N-O-O-M dot com. Noom, the smart way to lose weight. Disclaimer, not all customers will medically qualify for prescription medications.

Compounded medications are not reviewed by FDA for safety, efficacy or quality. We had the most incredible sleep expert on the podcast, Matthew Walker. He literally is the king of sleep, and he recommended the Aura Ring. And I was so happy because I already had one. I had already been using it. You guys know this. If you follow me on Instagram stories, I actually got one because I had this epiphany about my sleep. I wanted to upgrade my sleep like no other.

I wanted to make sure that it was the most important thing of my day. And so what I did is I got a red light in my room, and then I got the aura ring. And the reason I did that is because what this does is it helps you to improve your sleep. So you can track your sleep duration, which is so awesome. And you can also get, in the morning,

you get like a detailed sleep analysis. So it really helps you take your sleep to the next level and it's sort of like empowers the person who's wearing it. AuraRing is the revolutionary smart ring that delivers personalized health data insights and daily guidance. AuraRing also empowers women to better understand their bodies

so they can be their own health advocate. So I'm sure a lot of you guys have heard of the Natural Cycles app. This is the world's first birth control app and it's now powered by Aura. Natural Cycles is an FDA cleared birth control and now it's integrated with the Advanced Aura Ring 4. So not only can you get the precise data for sleep like I have, you can also get really insightful fertility tracking. I think this is absolutely genius, especially if you're looking to commit to your body, yourself and your health.

2025 is the year to upgrade your sleep. Do it with me. We can wear it together. Visit Auraring.com. That's Auraring.com. Quick break to talk about good ranchers. As we welcome a new year, it's time to focus on what matters most, creating healthier habits, enjoying more moments with family and spending less money on going out to eat. GoodRanchers.com is here to help you turn those resolutions

into solutions. By shopping with Good Ranchers, you're supporting local farms across the US and avoiding the chaos of grocery store imports. Most importantly, you'll enjoy stress-free delicious meals that let you focus on what really matters, quality time with loved ones. And during their new year new meat special, you can subscribe to any box of their 100% American meat and wild caught seafood. Use my exclusive code SKINNY and you'll get $25 off free express shipping and your choice of free ground beef, chicken or salmon in every order for an entire year. So start 2025 with better choices, better meals,

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which makes meal prep so easy. They're all individually packaged and vacuum sealed too, so you have less waste and you never have to throw freezer burn cuts away. So like I said earlier, they put the solution in resolution for 2025 and your resolutions aren't just limited to eating healthier. It's also about making better choices, cooking better meals,

enjoying more moments at home with family. So check them out, subscribe to any Good Ranchers box and use our code skinny to get $25 off free express shipping and your choice of free ground beef, chicken or salmon in every order for an entire year. Again, head to good ranchers.com and use code skinny. Good Ranchers American meat delivered. I'm not a phone person in the morning. He is, I I'm going to watch Michael. The second I opened my eyes, I'm forget the phone. in the morning. He is. I'm going to watch Michael the second I open my eyes.

I'm forget the phone. I don't need it. I'm going to five, four, three, two, one. Yeah. I'm debating if I want to, if I want to go like into this. I've done this many times. Um, go with you because I feel like you're just, I feel like now you're just going to crush me.

I feel like you're too strong for me. Please. Please. I personally, I understand this argument. I feel squirming. Like I used to be a trial lawyer. I know. I, please, please. But I personally, I understand this argument. I feel squirming. Like I used to be a trial lawyer. I know. That's why I said I don't-

I can see you sweating. I told you I'm sweating. I don't know if I want to go in this with you. I don't know. That's the gel in your hair coming down? That's a lot of gel in that hair. I've had people, a lot of people say this and I've tried it and I've done it, but- Done what?

Not look at the phone. Not the phone. Okay. But I'm, but so I, then you can rip into me. I feel like I can, no, I don't look at it right away, but I can jump into it and then I can still go do the journal and the walk and I don't really like, it doesn't bother, maybe I'm a psychopath, but I don't, it doesn't bother me

if someone's asked me for an email or texting me or if there's something mean on the, I can like be like, oh, yeah, cool. And then go back to my thing and do all that. It doesn't derail me is what I'm saying. I've never understood. I hear the people like, have I looked at my phone? Hold on though, but you didn't go for a walk or journal

or meditate this morning. I did. Yes, I did. What time? You left this morning. Where was I? Gone, wherever the hell you were. Okay. All right.

I didn't need a journal. But my point is, is I've... I am so against the phone in the morning. I hear these people that are very bothered by the phone and outside. I guess, like someone's like, well, what if someone emails or texts me and I'll get back to them when I'm ready? It doesn't bother me. RIP it. RIP it. What if something terrible is in the news?

Hold on a second. But see, here's the thing that I understand. It's a waste of my time and energy to rip into him. And let me tell you why. You cannot change another person. You're right. People only change when they feel like it. And you do not feel like addressing this.

So that's number one. So you don't want to do it. And until you have an issue with looking at the phone or the stress it creates or the distraction that it creates or whatever else or the sleep that it interrupts, then... Well my question is what if I'm not having any of those issues? I'm the issue. My issue is mostly I look at it and my wife's like, why are you on it? But I'm in a peaceful

Zen place. I'll tell you something it does. Tell me. Tell me. It takes the vibration of our family down when he's on the phone. Great. Okay. Okay. I'm not like attached to. I'll tell you something it does. Tell me, tell me. It takes the vibration of our family down when he's on the phone. Great, okay. I'm not like attached to the phone. I'm just saying, I've had Ryan Hall.

And I'm just, I guess I'm not. That's your opinion. You're looking at your phone. How would you know? What I don't do is before- We have a four-year-old and a two-year-old. And I believe when a parent wakes up and looks at their phone, it affects the family.

Am I wrong? Of course it does. No, you're not. Two and four year olds absolutely understand when you're president. I would just say, you know what, Mel, I'm gonna try it. This is a different issue. So I wanna talk about, so I'm gonna unpack this. You wanna know how we've been married so long.

Well, I can answer that too, but I wanna unpack this real quick because this is critical. And this is what we're gonna get into with the let them theory. In life, there are so many things you cannot control but number one on the list is another human being. This is a perfect intro for you.

Yes, no I'm serious. I am serious. This is why I would not waste time and energy talking to you about your phone use in the morning. Because I can tell based on how you're talking, you don't want to change. And people only change when they feel like changing. And people only change if they're struggling when they can. And so you're not struggling with this issue. Now that's a different topic than whether or not it's an issue in your marriage. Sure, fair. And whether or not this topic creates tension

and frustration and friction and distance for you two Well, if you tell me that that's happening, then I would change but I don't know I'm not in the bedroom when you pick up my argument unless you're looking at my Instagram And then I am in the bed if she tells me that like it's bothering her that much then I would get off I would stop just like I've done many other things but no problem But what I'm saying is when sometimes when I hear that these things like certain people I think Would get some of this information and like derails the whole day what I'm saying is sometimes when I hear that these things, like certain people, I think, would get some of this information, it derails the whole day.

What I'm saying is it just doesn't bother my brain. I think 99% of people are in denial about how addicted they are to their phone. Oh, I'm addicted, for sure. I think everybody's addicted. But you just said then it didn't impact you, and now you're saying you're addicted. So if you were addicted to cocaine,

would you sleep next to an eight ball? No, what I'm saying is the argument that it, like, lets people rob you of your time, that does not happen in my life. Well, at least according to you. According to me, yeah. But all of the science actually and the brain scans report otherwise.

OK. But you're special. Well, actually, I write about this. And let me tell you what you're doing right now. So the when when we when we'll unpack the let them theory, but there's really interesting research from a professor and a neuroscientist over at King's College London who studies how people's behavior influences other behavior. And her research has concluded that trigger warnings do not work and

that even like the disgusting photos if you're over in the UK that are on cigarette packages they don't work either. And the reason is what you said. Everybody has this default in their brain it's almost like a protection mechanism that's kind of weird called exceptionalism. You think you are the exception to the rule. And the other thing that's interesting about brain scans is if you are trying to... If I'm telling you something you don't want to hear, it shows on a brain scan that the part of your brain

that actually hears information turns off. You don't even... Like, we're all this way, right? I know, and I'm not disagreeing with anything you're saying. I don't care if you do. Let him. There's probably some exceptionalism and a little bit of delusion. But we all have that. Yeah, of course. I think what I'm articulating is that right now, things seem to be moving. There's so many issues, other issues that I have that like that is-

Well, let's talk about those. Oh my God. We got how much, how many hours you got but that seems to be how good they are when she comes to me and says okay but everything I have going on is like don't look at the phone in the morning like maybe that'll help but there's a lot of other things that are like taking maybe more priority for three days I will try it and I will report back I will be watching so here's how the best way to do that put the phone in the bathroom. Because that way it's not near you. And when you wake up, this is also a cheat for me because I don't like getting out of

bed. I just always feel resistance to it. So if my phone is in the bathroom and the alarm goes off, I'm screwed because it's in the bathroom. By the way, that's what I do with the alarm. I put it across the room because I have to get out of bed. Yeah. And so by the time you get there and turn off the alarm and flip it over,

you're kind of a little bit more awake and just take 10 minutes and do something else and just see if you feel more present. And again, like, I want to be very clear about something. People only change when they feel like it. And this might not be something that works for you, and that's okay. And no, I really mean it.

And that gets me into the let them theory, because this is the single most powerful thing I've ever discovered. I discovered it two years ago, and it has absolutely changed the way that I lead in business, it has changed the way I parent my children, it has changed my marriage, it has changed how I feel in my body every single day.

And what it has taught me is the LetThem Theory is a mindset tool that instantly, instantly shows you in a moment what you can control and what you can't control. Okay, so high level. What are the things you cannot control? Everything. There's only three things you can't control. Okay, let's start with what you can't control. Okay, so high level. What are the things you cannot control? Everything. There's only three things you can't control. Okay, let's start with what you can control. You can control what you think, what you do, and whether or not you allow your emotions to rise and fall.

That's it. Very stoic. You cannot, it is. This is actually, the reason why this is so powerful and it has exploded already, I have never seen anything more viral that I have ever shared and I've never experienced anything more powerful. And I am 1000% convinced that if you feel tired or you feel stuck or you're just not getting the results that you want or you are holding feel stuck or you're just not getting the results that you want or you are holding yourself back

or you're just not as happy as you want to be or not as connected to the person that you love the way that you want to be, the problem actually isn't you. The problem is the power that you are giving to other people, to their thoughts, to their emotions, to their success, to their drama, and it is robbing you of time and energy. And I had no idea, even with my success,

even being married 28 years, even having a wonderful family life and a thriving company, I had no idea how much I was allowing other people to stress me out. I had no idea how much time I was spending and energy I was spending thinking about, excuse me, what somebody else might think before I do something.

So give me an example of in your life when you started to have all that, what are the things that were irking you or what were the things that- Everything, oh my God. So I'll give you a perfect example. You're at the grocery store. Five people in front of you.

Beep, beep, beep. Why are there no other cashiers here? Right? And you start to like feel the stress rising up and you get all agitated at beep, beep. And then you start going, are they going to make an announcement? Get somebody, what is going on here? Oh, and then you see some of the employees walk by that are just like chilling out. Yeah, and then you think you can run the store better

than the person running it. And then you turn to the person next to you and you're like, roll your eyes. You have just allowed a situation that is so stupid and meaningless to activate your stress response. And here's what we know based on the research from Dr. Aditi Nehrukar, who is the world's leading expert on stress, she ran the largest stress management clinic for the Harvard system out

in Boston. When you allow your stress response to take over, it basically means your prefrontal cortex, which is what makes your money, what keeps you present, it's what allows you to be in control of what you do, it gets hijacked and your amygdala takes over. And you are now in a stress response that hijacks your ability to be calm, in the moment, confident, present, and all over the fact that it's stressful to stand in line.

And the amygdala is what kicks in your fight or flight and all your primal instincts. Correct. And so the thing that you forget in these moments, and modern life is like death by a thousand cuts. People are irritating, inconsiderate, traffic is backing up, things are overwhelming, the headlines are all over the place.

If you allow this stuff to constantly trigger your stress, what you're doing is you're literally allowing things that are beyond your control or just stupid to drain your two most precious resources in life, your two most precious resources in life, your two most precious resources, time, energy. Your entire life and the experience of your life is determined by what you pour your time

and your energy into. And if you find yourself so drained that you have no time for yourself, if you find yourself exhausted and you can't push through to get the results that you want, it's because you find yourself exhausted and you can't push through to get the results that you want, it's because you allow stupid stuff and other people to drain your energy all day. And that then hijacks your ability to think. It hijacks your ability to be calm and present with your kids. It's why I used to roll in every day after work like, ah,

and then I'd apologize. I'm sorry, Chris. I don't mean to be such a bitch and guys. I'm sorry about that tone of voice I'm just so stressed at work Not cool and not the way any of us should be living and you have a choice and this brings me back to the let them Theory so what you're gonna do you're standing in line You feel life irritating you You're gonna say to yourself let them And when you say let them, it's weird. It's weird because you literally feel the pressure gauge release. And the reason why it works, and this is really cool,

is because you actually feel superior to the stupid grocery store. No, I love this. Like, I love this. Like, if your friends don't invite you to the golf weekend, let them. Because your husband gets on his phone in the morning. Let him. Well, that's why it's a hard one. My turn now. No it's not but because I'm not because there's a second part and this is the part everybody tattoos let them on them because they feel superior oh let them let these idiots do whatever they want right yeah like like but that's only part one. Uh oh

the tattoo industry is gonna be a real busy tomorrow. Yeah, the really important one is let me. Let me. Let me. Let me remind myself that my power is not in trying to control what's happening at the grocery store or control what my husband is doing on his phone. My power is in the three things I can control that are always in my control. What am I gonna think about this next, right, moment, because I get to choose what I think right now.

What am I going to do in response to this or not do, because oftentimes not doing something is way more powerful. And what am I going to do with these emotions that are rising up and down? That's where your power is. And we spend too much time because we all have a hardwired need for control. We gotta be in control of our thoughts and our environment and our future and our decisions,

but we also, because it makes us feel safe, it's just every human being you know has a need for control. And the second though, that somebody else is doing something that pisses you off or annoys you or it makes you worried, you're now gonna try to control them. But that leads to a problem. You can never control another person. You have no control over what he thinks, you have no control over what he does, you have no control over what he's doing with his emotions. This is news to me.

This is the most groundbreaking thing she's ever heard on the show. What? Yes. Now, I never said you couldn't influence, but what I discovered- I love a subtle influence. Way too late. You have that subtle, buddy. Way too late, 54 years old, I realized I've been working against the laws of human nature

forever. See, I invented the five-second rule. So I know I have to push myself, but I've been pushing other people. I've been pushing with my stress. And here's what happens when you look at the way that human beings are wired. And you're gonna realize this immediately that since he has a need for control over what he's doing,

if you push him, what does he do? He pushes back because you're actually threatening his need to be in control of his decisions and what he's doing when. I got a lot of control issues. Oh, I hate that he's in control of his decisions though. It's annoying. Yes, but it's the truth.

And when you really wrap your brain, wait a minute, if I'm pressuring someone else to change or worry about judging them, that's creating resistance to them changing. I would definitely agree with you on that. Yes. Can this also work in the reverse? As I'm listening to you talk

and some of the previous topics that we were discussing, people taking the steps and putting themselves out there and taking action and worrying about what people think. It's like almost like, we've done this show, we talk about a lot of taboo things for a long time and people always ask like, oh, how could you talk about other, what can you, what are people gonna say?

And it's like, that is like, as you're talking, like we've just kind of, it's been a let them say what they're gonna say or let them think what they're gonna think. Exactly. Because if we spend all this time over and over worrying about all this, we would have never gone anywhere. Yeah, but here's the thing, like most of the advice about this sucks,

because people say, oh, I don't care. Well, you're actually wired to care about what people think. Can't not care. But what you can do is you can give people permission to think what they want. Sure.

And you can actually, the powerful thing to say, I believe, is let them think something negative, because that's what you're actually managing anyway. And so if you're the kind of person, and so as you're listening to us and spending time with us right now, I want you to put yourself at the scene of this example and you'll get it immediately. I want you to open up your favorite social media app, just imagine you're doing it, and

then I want you to think about something that you're going to post. And maybe it's about your new business, maybe it's a reel of you singing, maybe it is the comedy thing that you wanted to do, maybe it's just a photo of you in a bathing suit. But you're gonna select the thing and now imagine yourself putting the photo there. What do you do? Oh, should I put a filter on?

Is this the right photo? Is it not the wrong photo? For who? And then you start writing the caption. Oh, is this too much? Should I put an emoji? Should I do a little this? Is these too many caps? For who? And then you start writing the caption, oh, is this too much? Should I put an emoji? Should I do a little this? Is these too many caps?

For who? See, everybody has this innate default where before you do something, you actually consider what people are gonna think about it, which means you just gave power to somebody else. And now I want you to stop and like really play this out with me. The average human being has about 70,000 thoughts, the majority of which are completely random. I can't even control half the shit that comes up in my mind. So what on earth makes me think that what I'm going to post

makes me think that what I'm gonna post can have any guarantee that anybody thinks anything. It doesn't. And so here you are with your social media, which is your self-expression. If you're a business person, it's your marketing channel. And instead of using it to express yourself and using it to advance your goals and using it to do whatever the fuck you want

because it's yours, it's not for your sister, it's not for your college friends that you haven't talked to in 10 years, it's for you. You're sitting here giving power to people over something you have no control over, it's ridiculous. And then we get up in our heads and we're like, well, I shouldn't care, but they don't think about that. No, let them think something negative

and then do the let me part. Let me give myself permission to be myself. Let me give myself permission to talk about this business. Let me operate in a way that lets me be myself so that I'm proud of myself. Because if you start to operate in a way that you're actually proud of yourself because you see yourself allowing yourself

to show your art or to express yourself or put up that bathing suit with the cellulite in the bikini. Stop standing in the background. Just allow yourself to be seen. When you start doing that, you actually don't even think about other people because you know who you are.

And the amount of freedom that comes when you start to go, I can just let other people think negative things about me and I'm gonna go on with my life because I know I can't control that. So why would I waste my precious time and energy worrying about it? Don't. And the same thing's true with emotions.

Like, do you know how many, how everybody's navigating around people's emotions? The dickhead at work, your passive aggressive friend, your mom who's in a bad mood. Like we bend over backwards to make sure everybody's okay and happy and nobody's disappointed. Why don't you just let them be disappointed? Let them be disappointed.

I mean, they're a grown ass adult. Why are you everybody's parent? Let them be disappointed. And then come back to yourself and say, let me, let me remind myself that my life is my responsibility. And let's look at the word responsibility. It's the ability to respond.

And when somebody else is disappointed, like let's take, you know, a friend being disappointed because you can't come to her birthday party. Oh, okay. Right. And it's like the fucking like 34th birthday that they want the whole group to split. Yep. Check.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Let them. On a Wednesday. 34 is an absurd birthday to celebrate. Yeah. Let them. But you go past 30, it's decades. But I want to flip this on its head because it's going to blow your mind. Let them be disappointed. Because let's just think about this for a minute.

If you're not going to go, isn't it a good thing if they're disappointed? Doesn't it mean they like you or they love you? Doesn't it just mean they wanted to see you? I mean, isn't that a beautiful thing thing that somebody's disappointed if you can't make a business meeting or you can't make a birthday party or you're going to go to your in-laws instead of your parents' house? So let me ask you this.

What if you're the friend, you don't go to the party, the friend confronts you? What is the Mel way? Let's roleplay this. Okay. I'm really disappointed that you didn't come to my birthday on a Wednesday night. I'm 34 and I wanted you to pay half the check. Okay. I'm sorry you're disappointed. So it's that simple.

Yeah. Why am I responsible for your emotions? Right. No, seriously, why am I? I don't think you are, but maybe this girl does. I don't know, it just really... You have to be the girl getting character. Okay. I don't know, it just really hurt my have to be the girl getting character. Okay. I don't know, it just really hurt my feelings. I just don't think it was very nice.

You're entitled to think what you want. I actually had a bunch of things going on and I was really tired at work and I needed to stay in to take care of myself. You're being selfish. You can think whatever you want about me. Now bring up your childhood. That's not, this is not me. I'm Mel.

Yeah. And then here's the thing though. It depends on what you value. Yeah. But you don't need to bend over backwards to make everybody happy. And here's the other piece that is going to make you never be afraid of anybody again. You ready? Every single human being you know is an eight-year-old.

And a big body. Hmm. of anybody again. You ready? Every single human being you know is an eight-year-old in a big body. Because somebody taking that disappointment and being emotionally immature and making you wrong is childlike behavior. You're 100% right. Correct. Because every adult that you know is an eight-year-old in a big body. If you are looking for a non-alcoholic spirit, I got you. I actually heard about this brand through a friend. He doesn't drink. He used to drink and he stopped.

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the other day I made my magic water that I make every morning. I do like a whole water concoction before I drink coffee. I wait 90 minutes to drink my coffee, so I like to get the morning started with something good. I do like a big cup, water, ice. I'll add a little bit of colostrum, maybe some pearl powder. I change it up and then I always put my two packets of Symbiotica. The first one that I do in my water every single morning is their vitamin C. And then lately you can hear in my voice, I've been

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important to me. I have two children, there's a guilt aspect of that. And what if your kids come, like I have a four year old, she wants to see me, she wants to be with me. What do I say to her? That's a great thing that she wants to see you. And the thing about guilt is you need to understand guilt. So guilt comes in two forms. Oh great. No seriously, there's good guilt. So good guilt is the kind of guilt that is aligned with what you value and it motivates you to change your behavior.

Okay? And I'm going to explain this this way. Let's say my mom and dad are getting older. My dad's 80. I grew up in the Midwest. We raised our kids on the East Coast. And I don't see them as much as I'd like to see them. But they're not moving to Vermont,

and I'm not moving back to Michigan where I grew up. And so it is what it is, right? And when we don't get together over the holidays, they're disappointed, and I let them be disappointed. But as I've gotten older and they're getting older, and I think, wow, you know, I'm lucky if I have 10 holidays with my dad, if he's 80. 10. And so I holidays with my dad, if he's 80, 10.

And so I drop into my values. And the mistake that we make with guilt is that we do things out of guilt in order to make someone else not disappointed. And when you do it that way, you're making your parents or your kids into the villain. Because you're doing it because you think you have to do it for them.

When you drop into your values and you say, I'm a working mother, I value my business, but it's really important to me that I figure out how to spend more time with my kids, the guilt that you're feeling is aligned with your values, but you're being, you're going to change and find more time, not for them, you're doing it because it matters to you. And that's how you stop allowing guilt to drive you. Look, you know, there are a lot of people that bend over backwards at work and take on extra shifts and do all kinds of crap because they feel guilty because their coworker needs

somebody to cover for them. Do not cover the shift so that the co-worker thinks you're a good friend. Cover the shift because you want to because it makes you feel like a good friend. Do you see the power in that? Yes. Amazing for me. Yes. And so let me give you, let's take it a step further. The second part of guilt is the destructive guilt. And that's where you use it as a sledgehammer to make yourself wrong. I'm

not enough as a mom. I'm not enough at work. I can't do this. And nothing changes. And so what I would invite you to do is to truly, you can use let them with your kids in very kind of limited capacity because you are responsible for their financial support, you're responsible for their safety, their food, their shelter, you're responsible for helping them truly learn how to express and regulate their emotions. And this is why we're all so immature, because our parents didn't know

how to regulate their emotions. And to regulate your emotions and act like a mature adult, first of all, you gotta feel them and understand it's taking over. Then you've gotta have the tools to be able to not react to them and to just be able to settle yourself so you're not letting your emotions drive you

and make you reactive. And nobody taught us how to do this. And so if you've never, it's a skill, nobody's born this way. You have to learn how to be emotionally mature. And if you truly line up, there's a whole section in the book about emotional maturity. There's a chart in here where I line up childlike behavior

with adult behavior. So if you take your kids to Target and your four-year-old wants the latest whatever, and you're like, no, I'm sorry, honey. They're gonna get flooded with emotion. They're disappointed, they're sad, they're like, no, I'm sorry, honey. They're going to get flooded with emotion. They're disappointed, they're sad, they're upset, they're surprised, and little bodies can't handle big emotions. And so what do a lot of kids do?

My kids used to flop down on the aisle and throw a tantrum, yep, as my daughter's in the corner nodding. And I didn't know how to handle my emotions, so I didn't know how to handle hers. So what I'd do, I'm like, calm down, get up off the floor. What the fuck? And there was even a time where I would literally stomp down to the end of the hallway

and turn the corner to hide, peeking, because I knew she would then pop up and look and get scared and she wouldn't be in a tantrum anymore. My mom did that to me one time at the Del Mar fair and I got lost. It was traumatic. Very traumatic, yes. Yeah, super traumatic.

The guy, the security guy to find me, it was the whole thing. Dude, I pay for her therapy. Like, I made every sure. The guy, the security guy to find me, it was the whole thing. I pay for her therapy. Like I made every mistake in the book. Because she wouldn't let me keep playing the carnival games. Yes, yes. They were pissed off.

And why do we do that as parents? Because we can't handle our own emotions, so then we get overwhelmed by their emotions and then we just make it worse. And it's why we have so many adults running around that suppress everything or drink themselves into the ground or snap at people. And so a childlike tantrum is actually an emotionally appropriate response to a kid who has never been taught the skill. And the only person that can teach you that skill is an adult who understands it. But what happens is let's think about tantrums as an adult, rage texting,

snapping at your kids and then saying, I'm sorry, I'm stressed at work. And the best response for that is this, hey, dad, I'm really sorry about the fact that work is causing so much stress for you, but you're going to have to apologize to me for the way your stress at work is impacting me. The adults rage text we snap and then apologize. Kids, another emotional immature thing to do that is also age appropriate when you get overwhelmed or sad or disappointed, you run in the corner and pout. What does that do? It draws an adult to you to help soothe you. What do adults do?

Oh, they use a silent treatment. Silent treatment is a sign of a massively immature person. Emotionally, no, I'm serious. I sometimes do that to Michael. Well, yeah, but you know what it is? I do it a lot. Yeah. Well, it's just, it's not, sometimes I'm just like

tired of talking though too. Oh, hold on. There's a- No, you're allowed to come back on the show whenever you want. No, there's a difference between you saying, I need a minute, let's talk about this in the morning. I need like a day. Okay, that's fine.

But what you're doing there is you're actually building a bridge to come back. And that's what you want to do with your kids always. Honey, mom is very tired, but I promise you, we're going to talk about this after you're done watching that show. So you've built a bridge and given yourself the space, so you've let them express their emotion and then you let me, what do I want to think, what do I need right now to do, and how do I need to feel my emotions? And so I completely had a menopause moment.

What the fuck was I talking about? You were talking about the silent treatment and what to do with your children. Oh, but the silent treatment by another adult, that friend who suddenly just stops talking to you and you don't know what the hell you did, and then a month later they act like nothing happened, that is actually punishing somebody else because you can't handle your emotions. So you

punish them and remove attention and love. I'm gonna pull this clip for later. No, for me, I don't do that to friends. I do it to you. I'm a friend. No, you're gonna build the bridge, right? Like what you're gonna say is, I can't talk about this. You're gonna let him do what he's gonna do. And then you're gonna say, let me and you're gonna say, I actually cannot have this conversation. You're going to let him do what he's going to do, and then you're going to say, let me, and you're going to say, I actually cannot have this conversation. I'm too emotional. Bit of a rage texture sometimes, too. I promise. Oh, I am, too. That's my thing.

Bit of a rage texture. Well, I learned about voice text, too. How it just types for me. Oh, God. Are you the kind of person that... I never do that to anyone. Oh, voice text. I've got that voice memo. I'm like, not the sudden man. You send podcast episodes as text.

She does both. She does both. Let them. You don't have to read them, though. No, I have... Listen, like I said... He kind of likes the spiciness, but yeah. You send podcast episodes as texts? She does both. You don't have to read them though. No, I have. He kind of likes the spiciness, but yeah, I don't rage text anyone but you. I have a lot of unread text messages. I just let them. But hold on a second.

Let's unpack this. Please. Now you're like, oh man, what do I get myself into with these two? No, no, no. This is actually a really important thing. Because he's presumably the most important person in your life. Oh gosh, I know where this is going. No, I'm serious about this.

Yes, he is. And would you want him to vomit all of his emotions at you because he doesn't develop the skill of actually managing them in a way. No. No. And so if you value a deeper connection, then you will take on the skill of learning how to manage your emotions in a different way. I agree.

I agree with you. Trust me. And again, this is with you, right? Trust me. And again, this is, you can use the five second rule for this because you can use the five second rule, five, four, three, two, one to push yourself through doubt or I use it a lot. If you're about to rage check. Yes, five, four, three, two, one.

I leaned into the like, oh, sometimes. She feels so good, I guess I'll do it in my notes app. I went in. Absolutely, actually Sawyer, my daughter, has a lot of rage and she has bazillions because I of course did not teach her how to feel emotions, so she suppressed it all. And she does a lot of that in the notes app

and then doesn't send them. That's what Abraham Lincoln used to do. That's very Abe Lincoln of you. Yeah, so seriously, I feel this, like learning how to, emotions are waves, so this is gonna blow your mind. So emotions are chemical explosions in your body and you cannot control whether or not

you have some sort of emotional reaction. But based on the research, if you don't suppress it or drink it down or explode, and you just kind of breathe through it or you're like, oh, I'm really pissed off right now. Let them, let the emotion come up. But then let me remember you get to choose. Am I going to think rage thoughts?

Am I going to do something like rage at him? Am I going to do something like rage at him? Am I going to not do something? Am I going to let these emotions rise? Because the research shows if you just breathe through an emotion, it's a wave. It comes and goes in 90 seconds. And the moment's over. But when you then let the wave come up and you're like,

fuck them and you're like, fuck them, fuck them, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck. That's kind of how you look too when you're doing all that. You know how I know this? Because this is my emotional immaturity. When I'm upset about something or I feel like things are out of control,

the frustration comes up like this and it used to boil over. And I know it. And I do not wanna be that person. And there is so much peace and power when you are in control of yourself. So let's say let's give let's do like a Mel Robbins. No, let's do a Mel Robbins.

Let them theory say you get a horrible text about your business tomorrow morning, someone fucked up. Oh, yeah. Like in the business, a big fuck up. Oh, yeah. What are you doing? What am I doing? Yes. Well, I'm gonna tell you what I'm not doing.

I am not going to explode at the person who fucked up because exploding creates both this massive stress thing going on in my head, which means I actually can't use the part of my brain I need to solve this problem. And since I just vomited at somebody, I've now caused them to go into fight or flight. And do you think somebody that just fucked up, if you've yelled,

don't you think they know they fucked up? They're already like on edge. If you come in and just destroy them, they will never, ever, ever be able to fix this problem and they will always be afraid of you. And so what you do instead is you keep your cool because now that the thing has happened, let them. Like I had somebody steal my entire email database

in the middle of the last book launch. And then present fake data like Bernie Madoff for seven weeks about an email campaign that was not going out and a massive online like Facebook ad campaign about a book that was never happening. They were using the money to do something else, they had sold the data. And when I found out, I didn't have to let them through.

I just absolutely exploded and cried on the ground and like victimized by the whole thing. And of course I was the victim of business fraud and trying to go after that person, which you can do through lawyers, but doing it emotionally, it actually doesn't change what happened. And I think it's scarier when somebody's calm. Oh yeah. And I think when you can pull it together

and say, okay, this thing happened, let them, because it's already happened, I can't control it. Why would I expend just all this crazy energy? Like, and the same thing is true with heartbreak. Like when somebody says, I don't love you, or I don't wanna see you, or no, I don't wanna put a label on this somebody says, I don't love you, or I don't wanna see you, or no, I don't wanna put a label on this thing, or I don't love you anymore, and they end the relationship,

you're gonna explode with emotion. But what we end up doing is we go after the other person and try to control them and keep them from leaving. They just fucking left. Let them. Let them. And now you gotta come to the let me part. What can I control in this situation?

What can I control? And if you allow your emotions to rise and fall, what you can control is your response and thinking through the right way to handle this. Because the other thing that we haven't gotten into yet that is so important about the let them theory, The other thing that we haven't gotten into yet that is so important about the let them theory, especially for the kind of 20 and 30

and thinking about dating and relationships is people show you who they are. Let people reveal who they are. Let the person that you're dating tell you that they don't want a commitment. Let them slink out the door like a cat in the morning after you've had sex. I don't know why I keep Let them slink out the door like a cat in the morning after you've had sex.

I don't know why I keep laughing every time you use that example. Because you used to do that. Not to me. Right? Like let them not commit. Because their behavior is revealing, like people's behavior is the truth.

You just don't want to accept it. Because you live in a fantasy in your head instead of accepting the reality in front of your face. And if somebody wants to see you, they will make the time to see you. If somebody wants a commitment, you will know it. If you are a priority in somebody's life, it's very easy to see that you are because their behavior demonstrates it.

And if someone doesn't wanna be with you, why would you wanna be with them? Well, I'll tell you why, because people are terrified of being alone and I don't blame them. Who wants to be with you, why would you want to be with them? Well, I'll tell you why, because people are terrified of being alone. And I don't blame them. Who wants to be the single friend? And after you spend six months with somebody, there's something called the sunk cost thing

that happens in your brain where you start to convince yourself that if I can save this, that's better than starting over. Because of the time commitment? Oh, yeah. Because if you've just spent six months with somebody or two years with somebody,

like the prospect of starting over, and this is the mistake that everybody makes, you date for the potential and you refuse to let somebody's behavior show you the truth. And if someone likes you, you will know it. And stop saying, I'm confused, say this is a turn off. The way they text me is a turn off. It's funny, there's a clip of you look at, it's kind of gone viral for us.

It's me talking to, do you know Patti Singer, the dating? Oh yeah. But we were basically, we got a lot of shit for it, but I was saying like as a man, like you should not have to guess if a man likes you. He will like- Well, you shouldn't have to guess if one does either. Both, right. And they will pursue you and you shouldn't be chasing them around.

And like some people got really upset about it, but, you know, I have younger sisters, and I told them all the time, like, if a guy likes you, you should not be sitting around wondering. You will know. Well, you only wonder about the people who don't like you. Yeah. That's... Yes, you said it better than... Like, if you're wondering if they like you, they don't.

Good. Now you can go viral and take some of the heat off. It's the truth. It's the truth. Like, I don't believe in the games. And you don't have to play them. Because, and there's a lot of conversations about how toxic the dating scene is, and it certainly feels that way. Ghosting has been around for a long time.

I'm like, I'm like old enough to be your grandmother, but it really is, because people can't handle their emotions. And so instead of just ending things they just disappear. We've been together so long that we missed all the dating apps. But here's what I want to say. The ghost thing was around, both sides. Yes, but here's the other thing I want to say that you don't have to date online. If you want to meet somebody, when's the last time you talk to somebody in line? I agree with this. When's the next time you're the one that went first? Yes. Barnes and Noble, Bed Bath and Beyond, the toaster aisle. That's what I'm meeting.

A lot of hormone disruptors in Bed Bath and Beyond. That's true but okay go like there's so many different places to meet people than online. Right and so you have choice and power. Do not give it to the apps. And by the way, if you're bitching about the fact that, you know, you're only seeing a certain guy, go check your own filters. Have you literally Frankensteined what your wishlist is? We just did an episode like this. So much.

We're going to be here for another three hours with this topic. So here's the thing. Here's the thing. You give power when you bitch about thing. Here's the thing. You give power when you bitch about it. You are not powerless because you can always choose how you respond. You can. You can go join a league in a sport that you like that's coed and meet people.

You can go join a gym of a certain type of exercise that you like and meet people. You can start a book club. You can do all kinds of things, but we all sit back and we give power to other people and power to the apps and power to everything else and then bitch that it's not working. And don't you think you're also with these dating apps? This is a bit of a tangent, but I feel like it's like not everybody, but there's a lot of lazy people on these apps because they're-

Well, no, actually what the research shows is really like a bummer. That basically when everybody Frankensteins their filters, everybody's bias comes into play. And so all the short guys get filtered out. I love a short guy. Yeah, but I'm telling you, the reason why everyone's like, well, everyone likes the same guys get filtered out. I love a short guy. Yeah. But, but I'm, I'm telling you the reason why everyone's like, man, everyone likes the same guys and everyone likes the same girls. That's

because everybody has this weird bias that is probably driven by the filters on social media that just X's out certain types of people. I didn't realize you could do that. I didn't even know you could do that. Like when you're in your geography. You can order it like you're ordering a sandwich. Well, yeah, that's like extra mayo, like a side, side of mustard. Exactly. I didn't even know you could do that. Wait, so you can order it like you're ordering a sandwich? Well, yeah, that's- Like extra mayo, like a side of mustard.

I didn't know that. We had a woman who's a dating coach and she's actually the director of relationships for Hinge and she was saying that these filters, and I don't think she really wanted to say this, but are problematic because people filter out potential matches of people they would really get along with because of these superficial things.

Yes, and so before you point out there, I want you to actually go let me, let me look at my own behavior. Am I actually open? Am I talking to people? Am I putting myself out there? Or am I standing when I go out to a bar or a game or whatever, waiting for somebody to approach me? Also, if you're asking for all of these qualities in someone else, I think you better bet you have them yourself. If you want someone who's charismatic and funny and witty and well-read, and you haven't read a book in the last 10 years, you gotta, you're right, you have to look at your own side of the fence.

But that's also because that's where your power is. Right. And in love, you get to choose who and how you love. And what's challenging is that so do they. And oftentimes they're not gonna choose you. And the thing that I see as the scariest part is that when you start to date and you're in the attraction zone and it's really like awesome. That's great. That's fine

You're two consenting adults, right? But then there's going to come a moment in time where you start to realize that you want to take it to the next level this is the most dangerous moment because most people are afraid to Actually ask for what they want because they're afraid that the person doesn't want the same thing. And so you hint and you stick around and you insert yourself into the friend group

and you're convenient and you play games and you do all of this stuff. And by the way, that's because you're giving this other person power. You gotta come back and say, you know, let them, let them date other people, let them do this. And then you gotta come back to yourself and say, let me, let me remind myself that I can always choose

how I think about this and I can choose what I do or I don't do. And I get to choose whether or not I am somebody's leftovers. I get to choose whether or not disrespectful behavior is okay for me. And if you are up in your head explaining away the fact that somebody is constantly texting

you, which basically means your convenience, if they don't take you out, somebody that's texting you randomly but never takes it offline, they're bored. It's true. Why? People's behavior shows you who they are and where you stand. They are revealing something very important to you. And you got to make sure that you have very clear eyes and that you see what somebody is showing you about where you stand. Because then you can say, let me decide, because I'm an adult, whether or not I'm going to spend time and energy in this.

And so the best way, if you get to a point with somebody where you're starting to wonder where does it stand and I want more, is you have to have a conversation. When you start to feel a little bit like, where is this going? And I'm now invested and I really hope. How would you say to start the conversation? Oh, it's super easy. Here you go. Okay.

You're literally just going to say, not while you're drunk, but you're going to say, you know, I have really loved spending time with you. This has been absolutely amazing. And I've just gotten to the point where I know that I want to take something to the next level. I want to be in a committed relationship. I want to put a label on it. I want to, whatever it may be, I want to move in together. I want to get engaged. I want to do this. I want to do that. And I'm the kind of person that really values my time. And if this isn't going to go to the next level, I just don't want to invest any more time in this, even though it's been awesome. That simple.

It really is. And did you notice I didn't blame you? Yeah. I didn't say you're leading me on. Nope. I didn't say, but you said I love you. I didn't say I love you so much. I didn't say, but you said I love you. I didn't say I love you so much. It's gonna be made me. That has desperate energy to it. Zero, and actually don't you find yourself wanting to be with somebody who values their time?

Powerful. Very powerful. It flips the script. It does because you're not actually focused on them. You're focused on the most important resource you have, time and energy. And if you're aware that you want to be in a committed relationship with somebody,

or you wanna move in together, or you wanna label. Like if somebody will not put a label on what you're doing, get the fuck out. Agreed. Like that to me is just like, I'm sorry, a word is the problem. Let them say they don't wanna label because they've just revealed to you, you don't matter.

This is really important advice, I think, and there's a lot of questions around this subject. And I think what you just said is really spot on. Mm-hmm. Mel Robbins. You're a champion, Mel Robbins. I'll keep you around. There are so many takeaways in this episode. You not only did you deliver you exceeded expectations. You can come back

on the show anytime you want. I did a little tactic. I was like, oh, like I have this little problem with the phone in the morning and then we've got into your rage texting and your silence. Did you notice? I saw that comment. I was like, nope. She's not wasting her time or energy. That's her resource. I'm gonna do some soul search. I'm gonna watch. I'm gonna read your book. I'm really excited to'm really excited. Don't change the subject. I think you're gonna love it because because the reason the other reason why people get this immediately is that it has deep roots in ancient philosophy and psychedelic or not psychedelic it has deep roots in ancient philosophy and psychological

modalities so you'll recognize stoicism, Buddhism, you'll recognize detachment theory, and it applies these things that you think about, but like, you know, my husband's extraordinarily stoic. I've never been, and I've always wanted to be. Like, I've been envious of the fact that he's just like super grounded. Do you think that's why you guys lasted all through all the turmoil? No. The reason why we lasted is because a relationship goes the distance for two reasons. Both people wanted to, and both of you are willing to do the work. If you've ever been in a relationship that breaks up, you can look back and see the moment

where somebody decided they didn't care if it worked or not, or they decided that they weren't willing to do the work. And I want you to think about any relationship that you're in, like you're on a seesaw with somebody. Sometimes you're up and the other person's down, sometimes you're down, the other person's up, and there's going to be a lot of times if you're both on the seesaw where you're in balance. And life is going to tip the scales, and then you'reaw where you're in balance. And life is gonna tip the scales and then you're gonna come back in balance.

If you just don't get off the seesaw, you're good. Because if one of you gets off the seesaw, what happens? The whole thing upends. I might be getting off the seesaw when I raise text but I'll stay on the seesaw. It's funny you say that because we say this all the time. We've known each other a very long time. We've been together for almost two decades now.

And I think when we talk to our single friends or people in a relationship, like, that's exactly what we say in all those words. We're just willing to kind of go through this shit together, knowing that we want to solve the issues. Uh-huh. And it's not easy. I mean, people, like, everyone that's been

in a long-term relationship, it's not easy. It's not a cakewalk. But we see so many of our friends that they start to go and then it gets a little tough and they're like, I just throw it away. I don't want to deal with this shit. They look at a long-term relationship like, oh, it must be so nice. So, yeah, I know it's a lot of shit all the time. The let them theory, a life-changing tool that millions of people cannot stop talking about. I think that every single person who's listening should buy this book. I am going to get it on my Kindle to highlight, but I also want you to sign me a copy.

It's a beautiful book, congratulations. This is major. This is gonna help a lot of people. I honestly, it's the single best thing I've ever done. I wrote it with my daughter. That's so cool. And what's really cool about that is that she's 25.

And so there was this huge span of experience. And there's a massive section about love. And as we were writing the breakup section, her boyfriend of two years broke up with her. What an idiot. And she was like, I hate to let them let let them, I'm not gonna let like, and just literally, because when you're broken up with, the advice is horrific, bullshit. Don't ever tell somebody that just got broken up with,

you gotta learn to love yourself. Because you hate yourself in that moment. So what'd you tell her? What'd you tell her? What did you tell her? You have to let them leave. Good advice. Because they're already gone.

And the more you hold on to it, the more you stay trapped in a life that doesn't exist anymore. And him leaving is going to open something else up that you're not even seeing. But you're not ready for that yet. Right. So here's the let me advice because there's actual research around this. So my therapist, Ann Daven, who is the single smartest person I've ever met, who's also Sawyer's therapist, requires

during heartbreak because heartbreak is grief. Yeah. You're actually losing the life you thought you had. It is grief. And that means you're gonna go through the stages of grief. And so she's like, you have to go through a 30-day cleanse, for real, where you remove their photos from the family photo frame, you remove their things and put them in a box. You don't have to burn anything. You don't listen to voice memos. You don't look at photos.

And here's why. What most of us don't realize, I didn't know this. I wish I had known this in my 20s, because I was a walking red flag for crying out loud. But what most of us don't realize is that it's not just that the person left, it's that you have to learn all new patterns in your life. Your nervous system is wired to be with this person.

And so when you wake up in the morning, of course you're gonna be on your mind because they have been for years. Of course you're gonna feel their presence because they're in your nervous system, they're in the patterns of your mind. That's why you hear their voice as you're driving in the car. That's why when something happens,

you wanna pick up the phone. So it's not just that you're learning to let them leave. You're actually having to unlearn the way that you are going through life. And so every time you listen to a voice memo or check the location or you look at their social media or you stare at the sleep with the shirt, whatever, you're actually keeping them alive in your nervous system when they've walked out the door. And so if you're listening and you haven't gotten over somebody

and it's been a year or it's been months, I guarantee you there hasn't been a 30 day window where you have not re-triggered them to stay alive in your body. And there is no way that you will ever be open to something new if you are holding on and keeping this thing that's gone alive.

And so 30 days, no contact, so that you can actually give your nervous system and your brain a chance to start to break the patterns of your old life. Second thing you need to do, change your bedroom. Like put the bed on a different wall, paint a wall, get a different blanket because you spent a lot of time

in there. And so now you're gonna be laying in the graveyard of the old relationship and it's gonna remind you that you're alone. And don't ever do like the revenge diet or that bullshit because then all of that motivation is still tied to that person. And-

Cut all ties. You have to for 30 days because you ha... They just demonstrated they don't want to be with you. And so the most powerful thing you can do for yourself is to get to a point where you've at least shown yourself that you can get through a month without needing them. You're going to miss them. You're going to flop on the ground and cry.

You're going to want to watch them on your phone. You're going to them, you're gonna flop on the ground and cry, you're gonna want to watch them on your phone, you're gonna wanna listen to the voice memos, do not do it. I think this might be your next book. Maybe. Something with this, there's something people- Well, cause I never thought about, wait a minute, I'm grieving and I'm unlearning patterns.

So the urge to reach out to them doesn't mean you're supposed to reach out to them. It's just like when you're going sober, you have an urge to drink, why? Because you're used to it. Right, it's a ritual. Yeah, well, it's literally a pattern in your body. This whole thing's in the book.

Yes. And here's the other thing. In addition to the bedroom, there is so much interesting research and I like the research because it makes me feel like I'm not nuts. And so when somebody explains to me, dude, if somebody breaks up with you,

the power is not in getting them back. The power is supporting yourself in moving on. Because if you're meant to be together, they will come back. But your love of your life, you've got to believe this, is not in your past. They're in the future. And if you could convince yourself

that in the next year, the next two months, the next two years, you're going to meet the love of your life, what would you do with this time right now? And it might just be that person who returns, but they're not gonna be the same person because they're gonna have changed in so will have you. And the 30 days proves to you, and you're gonna be saying, let them, let them,

it's not gonna make it easy. It actually makes you accept reality. And the longer you refuse to accept reality, that they're gone, the longer that you do that, the more trapped you're going to be. And the more you're closing yourself off to meeting the person who is the love of your life. I mean, if that's not a great way to end it,

if anyone's going through a breakup, that's one more thing I want to share. Please share. That's really important. Oh my God. No, most, the majority of people, over 70% of people start feeling better after 11 weeks. That's hopeful. Yes.

And the reason why you start feeling better is because you've forced yourself to move forward. And there are small things that you can do to actually shrink that time. The 30 days of removing all reminders, changing your bedroom, really thinking about if I knew I was gonna meet the love of my life,

that the love of my life is in the future, and you truly believe that, what do I want to do at this time right now? It allows you to focus on the second part of the Lethal Theory, which is let me. Let me respond to this in a way that really takes care of me. Because if you don't do that, you're still giving the power to that person hoping that they're going to come back and take care of you. And the truth is, you 1 you 1000% are bigger than this.

You're stronger than this. And if you knew both that 30 days, it's gonna be the hardest 30 days of your life and you're gonna get through it. And over time, if you follow some of the steps in this book and you keep saying, let them, let them, and you're gonna live in fear that you're gonna bump into them and you're gonna live in fear that they're gonna move on,

let them, let them. Let them and you're gonna live in fear that you're gonna bump into them and you're gonna live in fear that they're gonna move on Let them Let them stop holding on to something that is gone and Start doing the work to walk toward the future that you deserve That's how you do it like drop Thank You Mel Robbins. You're awesome. The Let Them Theory book is available everywhere. I'm sure where books are sold. Amazon. Anywhere you want to find it.

Where can everyone find your podcast, your Instagram. Can they say hi to Sawyer? Hi Sawyer. You want to say hi? I'm just putting it out there. Maybe someone wants to drop in your DMs. You never know. Let them. We have on this show gotten people married.

Yeah, we have gotten people married on this show. People have found love. She happens to be in a relationship though. Oh, sorry. But at Sawyer Robbins. Okay, at Mel Robbins, please come back anytime. There's a hundred different directions I could have gone in with you.

And I feel like we got a lot out of this episode, but at My Let, I did tell you did a three-part episode, so come back for two more parts, please. Anytime. Anytime you're in town. Open and buy. Thank you, Mel. You're great on a mic. I hope you guys loved that episode with Mel.

Tell us your favorite takeaway from this episode on my latest post, and I will send a few of you mouth tape. Just go to at laurenbostick and share what you learned. I absolutely love Mel Robbins. You can also shop the mouth tape at shopskinnyconfidential.com. That's shopskinnyconfidential.com.