The Skinny Confidential Him & Her Podcast - Mel Robbins On The Tools Habits Mindset Shifts That Actually Change Your Life

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

#912: Mel Robbins is back — and this time, she's handing you the mindset reset you need to change your life. Mel is a New York Times bestselling author, award-winning podcast host, and one of the most trusted voices in behavior change and personal transformation. In this episode, Mel goes deeper than ever on the tools, habits, and mental shifts that actually move your life forward. She breaks down how to reframe your mindset, master your energy, build powerful routines, upgrade your relationships, and use a "life audit" to create real change in the year ahead. This is your playbook for becoming the strongest, clearest, most intentional version of yourself.   To Watch episode #793 with Mel Robbins click HERE   To Watch the Show click HERE   For Detailed Show Notes visit TSCPODCAST.COM   To connect with Mel Robbins click HERE   To connect with Lauryn Bosstick click HERE   To connect with Michael Bosstick click HERE   Read More on The Skinny Confidential HERE   Head to our ShopMy page HERE and LTK page HERE to find all of the products mentioned in each episode.   Get your burning questions featured on the show! Leave the Him & Her Show a voicemail at [phone].   This episode is sponsored by The Skinny Confidential  Gift with intention this Holiday Season – give the gift of self-care. To learn more visit https://bit.ly/SHOP-TSC.    This episode is sponsored by LMNT Get yours at http://DrinkLMNT.com/SKINNY.    This episode is sponsored by AG1 Go to http://drinkag1.com/skinny to get a FREE Frother with your first purchase of AGZ.   This episode is sponsored by Get Joy Shop http://getjoyfood.com/skinny to make your dog's food as intentional as yours.    This episode is sponsored by WeightWatchers Join today at http://WeightWatchers.com.   This episode is sponsored by Cozy Earth Head to http://cozyearth.com and use my code SKINNY for up to 40% off.   This episode is sponsored by Synergy Ready to get started on your very own gut health journey? Visit http://SYNERGYDRINKS.com to find your SYNERGY flavor today.   This episode is sponsored by Neiman Marcus If you're looking for gifts that are guaranteed to surprise and delight, head to Neiman Marcus.   Produced by Dear Media  

The following podcast is a dear media production. She's a lifestyle blogger extraordinaire. Fantastic. And he's a serial entrepreneur. A very smart cookie. And now Lauren Everts and Michael Bostic are bringing you along for the ride. Get ready for some major realness. Welcome to the skinny confidential, him and her.

Hello everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Skinny Confidential, him and her show. So today we have a highly anticipated return guests, and that is Mel Robbins. She is an award-winning podcast host, New York Times, number one bestselling author, and one of the most followed and sought-after experts in mindset, behavior changers, and life improvement online and everywhere. She is the host of one of the top-ranked podcasts in the entire world, the Mel Robbins podcast, and she's one of the most trusted voices and respected experts on motivation and mindset.

She's also a mom of three and has been married for 28 years. We love having Mel Robbins on this show. We started the year with Mel Robbins. We're kind of ending the year with Mel Robbins. Every time we talk to Mel, we feel inspired. We feel lit up. We just have great conversations and great chemistry. With that, Mel Robbins, welcome back to the skinny confidential, him and her show.

This is the skinny confidential, him and her. Mel Robbins, did you slither in here? Did you slither out of bed this morning? Well, given that I had three margaritas last night. Nice. A really good friend of mine, shout out Grace Mitchell, came up from Fort Worth, and we have had just a monster couple days, and we found out some really, really good news. And so I'm like, you know what, screw it. Even though I'm seeing YouTube losers this morning, I am going to have three margaritas.

And so you better believe I not only had to use my five-second rule, I was in a hotel. The bed was very high. Okay. And you better believe I use a slithering technique. If you would like me to demonstrate it, I can. We will have you demonstrate it for sure. You don't have to do it right now, but at the end of this episode, we have to have you done to it.

You need a specific technique if the bed is high. Lauren was explaining to me this slith, you know, as we prep for these things. And by the way, if there's any two people that understand having three margaritas before a show, it's us. Clearly. Clearly. But she showed me this slithering video. I didn't understand until I got the visual. That is quite a wake-up routine, I would say.

Yes. And for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, it is for those mornings and those moments where life is too much and it is too hard to get yourself out of bed. This is a technique, and I think it has a fancy, I think it's called like somatic something where you're working with your body to move through the emotional, just, cement that is holding you prisoner to how you feel in your body. And what you do is instead of working against gravity and trying to stand up, you go with gravity and you let gravity pull you down to the floor and you slither

like a snake off the bed. And then once you hit the floor, first of all, you're going to feel like kind of ridiculous when you hit the floor. And then you kind of like roll around to move all that. Like, because if you, if you, tell me a moment in your life where you've had a hard time getting out of bed. Like just things are going sideways. Maybe you had screwed up a business deal.

Maybe somebody broke up with you. Like there are moments in everybody, maybe somebody died. Be honest. Well, I'm trying to think like, yeah. No, no, no. There's definitely moments where I felt like that for sure. I also had a father my entire life who like, former Navy guy woke me up by literally just ripping the door open.

slamming the lights on full block. So to this day when my alarm goes up, I spring out as if like a snake bit me. Yes. And so he's not the right audience for the slither. But I think it's just like, listen, there's probably a lot of trauma response there that I'm just like, it's like a row. Bounces out. But no, but there's definitely those moments when, for sure, when things have not gone right

or when you're stressed about something that you, yeah, you just want to lay there and you don't want to move and you don't want to get out. And you just like you want to hide and sink under the blankets and not come out for sure. Yes. And so if you get into a, just a streak in your life, because there are things going on that might be unfair or you're going through grief or you're devastated from a breakup or maybe you got fired from your job and you don't know how you're going to pay your bills. And life is just overwhelming. It can be hard to push out of that bed and get going. And so this was something that my therapist taught me when I was going through this really hard time. And it was because we had just moved from the house that we had raised our kids in.

So my parents still live in the house that I grew up in. I've never experienced what it's like to move from your childhood home. And we raised our kids outside of Boston in the same house for 26 years. And even though we were going to a new place that I, we had bought my husband's parents' house, the place that they had built. And it was, it's this beautiful house in a, you know, ski area town. Our kids grew up going there. I love this place. But we were leaving our friends and our family, our friends and our child and the child at home.

I had no idea how emotional it would. be to pack up the place you had raised your family and to one by one go through drawers and see objects that just remind you of periods of life that are over. And it's this weird moment where it marks time in a way that feels like how did 26 years go like that? And we've all had those experiences and you guys, you know, having kids, you're going to see that your kids mark time. And even if you don't have kids, you've probably had the experience where you were like, wait, how did high school go so fast? Wait, I'm out of college already. Wait, how is it that I'm 25? How is it that I'm 30? And you start to get this sense that life is starting to cook.

Time is moving. And so I hit this depressive stage when we got to Vermont. waking up in a new place where I didn't have any girlfriends up there. I realized at the age of 52, I have to make new friends. I have to start over. I am in a new place that I now, like, I was so overwhelmed by it. It caught me completely off guard. And so I started having trouble just getting myself out of bed. And I was so sad that that period of our life where our kids were at home, that period of our life where we were raising kids with all of our friends, that period of our life where we were kind of part of a really awesome community where everybody's raising kids together. And now all of a sudden, everybody's kids are gone and people are starting to move back into the city

and they're going. And you're just like, it's over. And so I, that's what was happening for me. And, you know, my husband had never probably, he was like, okay, I'm up. Like, let's go. Let's make new friends. Let's go on a hike. I'm like, fuck you. I fucking ate our love.

Why do we do? You get this to me! You know, like just, and so it's slithering and sliding off the bed, rolling on the floor, and then you start to roll on the floor, and now you're moving all that stuck energy and that grief and the heartache or whatever. And then you crawl to the bathroom. And typically the dog, if you have one, comes walking over and licks your foot. face and at some point as you're crawling, you're like, this is so ridiculous. And then you stand up.

And all the emotion is gone. It's the craziest thing. You've got a great butt in that video. Your butt looks great. Thank you for saying that. I was like, damn, you look like a 21-year-old slithering out of bed. I'm like, your husband's going to slither on over into you. God, I hope so. That would help too, you know. Okay, so here's the thing. This is your second time on this show. We started the year with Mel Robbins. guys. The notes are in the or the show notes for that episode will be in this episode. So check it out. We're ending the year now with Mel Robbins.

Okay. The book came out like right around the time we did that. December 24th Christmas Eve. You've had phenomenal may not even be the word. Success with the book. Eight million books sold in 11 months. Guys, I was doing the math roughly with Mel

before we started the show. That's like 24,000 books on average per day. Yeah, around the world. ridiculous. Congratulations. Thank you. That's badass. But as, you know, we were thinking about prepping for this episode and thinking about you, you have become one of the people that people go to to figure out how to feel better, how to live better, how to drive. But what do you, Mel Robbins, do to feel good? Because you just touched on it a little bit. Like, are you always in a state where you're upbeat and can help? Or do you have to do things in your own personal life to kind of get to that

place to feel, you know, like you're in a place that you can inspire people continuously? It's a great question. So I honestly don't feel like my job is to inspire people. Okay. I am really focused on just sharing what I'm learning as I'm trying to create the best life that I can, as I'm trying to be a better mom, a better wife, a better friend, as I'm trying to feel better as my body changes and my hormones change and life changes. And I'm trying to be intentional about the settings in my mind in a world that is full of negativity and division and a lot of overwhelming things and scary things that are going on. And so I feel like sharing those things is a very important thing to do and

giving people access to world-renowned experts and research, especially people that may not have, you know, the same level of access that we may have here in the United States, access to information distilled in a way that is relevant to a normal person's life. That's kind of what I'm doing. What people do with it is really kind of on them. And so I, when you ask me the question, what do I do to keep myself, in a state. I am so intentional about this. I imagine.

Oh, very intentional. Now that I'm and I'm also 57 and I told you I was going to start cooking. I put my sweater on because it was cold and now I'm hot. We don't thermo-dilate the same way the dudes do so now we go. It's a strip tease. You got to watch the YouTube if you want to see a strip tease.

There we go. Well so the thing that I do so much because it's a skill to be in a good mood for no reason. Do you know how many people go through life and they're in a bad mood for no reason? A lot of, I mean, sometimes I would say even, I don't want to say the majority of people, but a lot of people.

A lot of people. And just really stop and consider that your energy is probably the most valuable currency that you have. And there is a saying that I like when I think about leadership. Leaders bring the weather. And what does that mean? that means that you can manage your energy in a way that you are a bluebird sky on a sunny day, or you could have the kind of energy where you are a thunderstorm.

And we have all dated and worked for people who are thunderstorms. And we also know the power of being around somebody who is more like the bluebird sky or a sunny day. there is something warm, there's something calm, there's something reassuring. This is not toxic positivity. This is flat out neuroscience and your energy has power. And I don't think I took that seriously for a long time. And when you start to recognize that even when things are going terribly in your life, even when you're going through heartbreak, even when you're scared that AI is going to take your job. Even when you can't pay your bills or maybe mom or dad got a diagnosis and now you're scared, even when that's happening, you can still do small things that change the energy that you feel. You can do intentional things to change the settings in your mind. And you can learn,

despite what's going on around you to trust in your capacity to be okay and your capacity to manage through it. And for too long, what happened for me is that I would, when life was unfair, or when I made major mistakes, or when I felt very stuck or when somebody hurt my feelings, I would, my energy would shift and I would go nuclear like rainstorm and it sends you in a direction you don't want to go. And if you can maintain the ability to, in those moments, we're like, well, what if this happens and what if that happens and what if the other thing happens? Which, you know, if I unpack this from a standpoint of anxiety, which I struggled for a very, very long time because I didn't quite understand it. I have a new understanding of what these anxious moments are.

from Dr. Russell Kennedy, he said to me, he said, you know, he's a, he's a neuroscientist and a medical doctor that only studies anxiety. Interesting. Yeah, he's super cool guy to talk to. We should talk to that guy. Yeah, you should talk to that guy. And so he had, so he basically said to me, Mel, all anxiety is separation anxiety. I'm like, I don't think so. Like if I'm going into an interview and I feel anxious about it, I'm not feeling separate from my mother right now. Like that, I don't, I don't get that. He's like, no, no, no, you don't understand. He said, you're separate from yourself. I said, what?

What did you just get? I totally know what he means when he says that. What does he mean? Like when, and maybe this is my take on it. If I go into a job interview that I'm really nervous about, I'm not feeling connected to myself because I'm out of my environment's new. I don't know this person's energy that I'm walking into. I'm feeling disconnected from myself as I walk in.

Yes. Which is separation from oneself. Yes. And what happens in that moment is like, let's just try to make this. Not that anxiety is a simple thing, because when you feel it, it can become very crippling. And I can look backwards now and be like, I made every mistake in the book. I made every mistake in the book with my own anxiety. I made every mistake in the book as a parent.

I did the exact opposite of what you should do in those moments when somebody is anxious. So I am personally responsible for making my children's anxiety worse. And let me explain first kind of this moment based on what Dr. Russell Kennedy Tommy. So let's just take a situation where you're going into an interview or you're going on a date and you start to feel anxious. Or we can even add into this, so many people around the world are really anxious about AI. They're anxious that they're going to lose their job. They're anxious about how this is going to change the world. And the reason why you're anxious is because you're standing in the present moment and you're uncertain about how the date's going to go.

You're standing in the present moment. You're uncertain about how the interview is going to go. You're standing in the present moment. You're employed, but you're uncertain about what's going to happen in the future. So anxiety is a moment where you are uncertain about something you care about. And this is important to understand it's something you care about. You never get anxious about shit you don't care about. The alarm in the body that goes off, which is what anxiety is, is an alarm tied to something you care about.

That's interesting. Did you hear that? That's very, very interesting about how you feel, not now, how you used to feel about finances, what she just said. Yeah. Well, I was anxious that I was going to be separated from my finance. But I'm certain about what's going to happen in the future. But jokes aside, it's an uncertainty about what's going to happen in the future. And, you know, like, I think it's interesting when I hear you say that as a parent because I realize, and this is no shady, my parents are great. But there was a period in their, you know, when I was young, that they were uncertain about that as well, and they were struggling. And so I think, like, some of that mapping probably I picked up as a kid. And I think about that now

as a parent. I'm like, well, you know, you know, you got to be careful of that mapping as a parent. Yeah, because, you know, who, how did you learn English? Of course. Yeah, your parents. Because your brain is absorbing the patterns of it. So you also, in terms of the settings of your mind, you also learn those based on what's happening around you. And so the cool thing is, is that, there is so much, like, research that's irrefutable that the settings in your mind, number one, can be changed. But there's also crazy cool research about how the settings in your mind change the biology and the physiology of your body.

And I can explain some of the super cool things coming from Dr. Alia Kramm at Stanford and some of the crazy cool research that she's been doing in just a minute. But let's go back to this moment where you're in a moment where you feel uncertain about something you care about. The interview, the date, the state of the world, finances, whatever it may be. So the alarm that goes off in your body is just your body doing its job because the alarm and anxiety is simply meant to get you to just get out of autopilot, stop doom scrolling, and pay attention to what's about to happen because you care about it. That's all that anxiety is, okay? The separation from self comes that you feel the alarm and then you separate from,

from here and you go up here. And right up here you start going, oh my God, what if this person doesn't like me? And what if I get that neck rash? And what if I say something stupid? And what if I... And now you go up into your mind and you start doubling down

on the belief that you're not capable of handling what's about to happen. And that doubling down and separating from your capability to manage something. All that up here makes the alarm worse. When you start going, oh my God, this interview's like, what if I don't get this job,

and what if this, and what if the interview is a dick, and what if I didn't do this, and did I do the right thing on the resume? You just separated from your ability to handle this. And all of the what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, now makes the alarm worse. Same thing with finances. The only thing going on is you care about managing this correctly, and you're not certain because who knows what's going to happen in the future. But in that moment, what you need to do is drop back in, take a breath and go, hey, I'm going to be okay no matter what happens. Hey, I can manage this.

I used to do it with public speaking to. Now, obviously, I speak for a living and do this all the time. But I remember being anxious, but now that you're talking about, it's like, yeah, you're wondering how it's going to go, how the crowd's going to react, what you're going to say. Can you get there and you're right. And here's the other reason why this is important, because you can't control what's going to happen. And the more you focus on what could happen, the more out of control you feel. But what you can control is how you respond to what's going to happen. And so when you start to just change the setting in that moment in your mind and you say to yourself, hey, I don't know what's going to happen, but I know that I can, I'm capable of just dealing with it. I don't know if the interview is going to go

well, but I'm going to be okay if it doesn't. And so when you double down on your ability to manage the things that are about to happen, you are now changing the way you face uncertainty. And, you know, one other thing that's helped me a lot is I get stuck in that what if loop a lot. So I started to say, well, wait a minute. If I don't know what's going to happen, if I'm going to spend a bunch of time considering, well, what if the negative thing happens, I owe it to myself, since I don't know what's going to happen to also spend 50% of the time considering the positive what ifs. What if this works out?

What if the date's fun? Might not be my person, but I have a good time. What if this interview helps me decide I don't want to do this? What if this interview goes great and I get the job? What if AI comes and I lose my job, but something else amazing happens? What if AI coming and it's scaring me forces me to take an online free course and I brush up on my skills? I learn how to build an app and all of a sudden I'm like learning stuff I never even knew. I could learn. So you're constantly reframing it from a negative to a positive. So if someone's listening

and they're going into this year and they want to tackle this year and they want to have the best year ever and they're constantly in the pattern of negatively thinking what if. Yes. Yes, we can change it to a positive, but what are the other tips and tactics? Okay, first you've got to recognize, oh wait, I'm in a moment of uncertainty and I'm now telling myself I can't handle this. And then what happens when you tell yourself you can't handle it is you avoid it, or you're making your alarm worse, so you're going to screw up the interview. And you screw up the interview,

not because you didn't prepare. You screwed up the interview because you couldn't handle the moment when that alarm started going off. You separated from your ability to go to an interview. Even if it goes shitty, you're going to survive. And because you started to now go against yourself

and argue against your ability, you screwed it up for yourself. And so what I want you to do first and foremost is notice when the anxiety hits, the uncertainty hits. Because here's the other thing I'm going to tell you, it's a mentally healthy response to an interview you care about, to feel a little anxious. It means you care. It doesn't mean the interview is going to go wrong.

And so instead of going, what if it goes terrible, here's what I want you to do? I want you to go, what if it works out? because now what you're doing is you are doing counter programming and you're doubling down on your ability and your capacity. And that is going to settle the alarm. And that is going to help you stay calm because I can add some more research in here, which is really fascinating if you go to the public speaking example. So one thing that changed my life about public speaking, because I used to be the same way, I would be backstage pacing, you know, a nervous person in a ER waiting room. I think it's important for people to hear you say that, maybe even me, because for what you do now,

I don't think people would believe that. No. Oh, it's true. If you watch my TEDx talk, that's the first ever speech I gave on a stage. That's a big stage for the first one, but. Correct. A minute in, I have a neck rash that people get, you know, that big blotchy thing. Like when they're drinking too much.

Michael gets that. Yeah. Or they are completely panicked. I was basically disassociated on that stage. In fact, that talk was supposed to be about career change. I'd never told anyone about the five-second rule, that little countdown trick I used to get out of bed. And I forgot how to end a talk.

And I forgot how to end the talk because I was so anxious that when you're anxious, medically and physiologically speaking, this part of your brain shuts down. And the amygdala, they call it the second brain, this little almond thing back here, which turns on when you're in fight or flight, when that amygdala starts humming,

you cannot use this part of your brain. This is why you choke when you've prepared. It's not because you didn't prepare. It's because the alarm got so big and you started freaking yourself out that now you can't use this. the part of the brain that you need that helped you prepared because it turned off. No, and speaking of that, like, I used to fight when I was younger and they talk about tunnel vision.

That's exactly what happens. You literally cannot see anything but this part. Yes. You can't think beyond what's, but like that. It literally happens in a fight or flight, like 100%. Yes, and it happens in an interview and it happens on a date. Because you don't, you miss that moment where the anxiety that's normal, because you care about it. You don't know how it's going to go.

perfectly normal and great thing to feel, but how do you manage that feeling? So this is crazy research, and this changed my life because I would, as people started to ask me to speak, I would be pacing back and forth, five minutes like clockwork. They would mic me up. I'd be backstage. I would have to go to the bathroom. And my stomach would be like, and I would take it as a sign because my stomach was in knots that things were going to go terribly. And for the first couple years, I would just get out there and I would have to muscle through it. It was absolutely awful to be me. Wow. Somehow I didn't, it didn't quite look like it to everybody else, but inside, there were two different things going on. There were words coming out of my mouth. And there was like a marching

band happening inside of my body. And the reason why I kept doing it is, I needed to pay my bills. And this was helping me pay my bills and get the liens off our house. And so I did not have a choice. Like this was how I was going to make a living. This was how I was going to pay my bills. And I needed to figure this out.

So I then read this research that changed my life. I believe it was research from Harvard Business School, not Harvard Medical School. But what they were looking at is they were looking at performance anxiety. And they wanted to, wanted to understand why do people choke? Like what is it about that moment where you've prepared, you've prepared for the test, you've prepared for the interview, you've prepared for the presentation,

and then you get into it and you get the tunnel vision and you choke. And so they decided to really look at the physiology of what it means to be anxious or nervous. Here's what's interesting. Physiologically speaking, anxiety and nervousness is the exact same. same thing as excitement. The exact same thing. Like, I want you to stop and think about in a moment that you're super excited. Like, tell me about a moment that you can think of that, like, whether it was like your favorite band is about to come on stage or the baby's about to be born. Like, you're really, really excited. Like, what's a moment when that was happening? For me, it's when the baby's being born. Yeah. I was, like, so excited. I was crying. And the doctor's like, why are you crying? And I'm

What do you mean? Why I'm like, it's like, it's. Yeah, what else do you feel? Yeah, I don't, you can't even express it. So I totally see what you're saying. Michael's excitement. I went to a different direction thinking about probably why we made the baby. That's my moment. Yeah, Michael gets excited when we made the baby.

I get excited when the baby's there. Well, I can tell you, like I think about like with that moment right before one of your favorite bands is about to come on stage and you kind of hear that, and that they start like the drum or the one guitar thing. and your heart starts racing, your armpits are sweating, and your hands are clammy or three. It's Metallica coming out to ecstasy of growth.

And your stomach's like, Noah Khan, Coldplay, like John Mayer. Like my stomach is like butterflies. Now let's take a look at when you're nervous or anxious. Same thing. Hearts racing, armpits, sweating, throats tight, hands are clammy. You got to go the bathroom. You got you got butterflies. Now here's what's interesting. The only difference in a situation where you're excited is intellectually the setting in

your brain is, oh, I'm so excited for the band. You don't say to yourself, I'm so nervous that they're coming out. Your mind labels it something that doesn't make you separate and start doubting. Oh, I don't think I can stand here in this concert because they're about to come out and I'm really nervous and, you know, I'm not sure I wore the right outfit and what if this all screws up and what if they don't play my favorite song? I'm really nervous. That doesn't happen. But you then separate from yourself in a moment of anxiety and you go, oh my God, I've got butterflies. I'm going to screw this interview up. Oh my God, my armpits sweating. You know, this is going to go well. These are all physiological signs that I'm fucked. That's not what's happening. Your body in both situations,

and this is really cool, you really care about the band coming out. You really care. about the baby. You care about the interview. You care about your finances. So everybody's like, oh my God, you care about this. Let's sound the alarm because I need you to get off your phone. I need you to pay attention. And now let me explain what's going on in your body because this is freaking so cool. So when you have to pay attention, the chemistry in your body changes. So part of that alarm and the adrenaline that's flowing is to signal to your body, hey, I don't need blood in my digestive track right now. Because I don't need to be digesting food. We're about to be dancing to Coleplay for crying out loud.

Oh, I don't need to be digesting food because I'm about to go on stage. So I need the blood in my heart and I need the blood up here. And I need all of those amazing kind of chemicals in my body and the adrenaline to go here and here so I can perform. So I can be present for this. That's what's happening. We don't know it. The reason why you have butterflies is the chemistry and your body just changed. So can we re before going on stage, can we say I'm so excited to go speak and what a blessing and how grateful I am to be able to speak in front of this stage?

You can say, and this is what the research proved, because they put people in control groups and they tested how people performed on tests and in other situations where you can measure performance like, you know, how fast you sprint, how well you do on a standardized test. They taught one group to say, I'm so excited. That's all you have to do. say, even though you're like nervous and the reason why you have to go to the bathroom is all the chemistry and your body's changing. And so you have a response to empty your bladder so that you can be prepared to do what you need to do. It's not because, oh my God, I'm shitting myself because I'm going to screw this up. No, your body's preparing because it's getting the signal that it's time to go. It's sort of like this evolutionary thing like, okay, we got to run. Okay, we got to go like hunt okay it's time it's game on so let's get rid of the extra weight let's get rid of the full

bladder let's get the blood and all the adrenaline up here because we need it to focus because this is important that's what's happening quick break to talk about element i don't know who i was or what i was doing before i figured out what electrolytes were before i figured out how to take element i was constantly getting headaches i was getting that midday slump i was running around i was dehydrated we talk about how important it is on this podcast to stay hydrated not only for your mental clarity to manage migraines and headaches, but also for your skin and your overall health. Well, you're likely getting dehydrated because you probably don't have the proper electrolyte ratio. This is why a product like Element is incredible, because drinking water is not quite enough.

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No questions asked. They have a very low refund rate. Again, that's drinkelement.com slash skinny. AG1. I've told you about my morning routine. It's really helped optimize my morning. And now we're going to take it to the night. Okay.

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tracking tools to make healthy living more flexible, more intuitive, and more livable than ever. Weight Watchers is the number one doctor recommended weight loss program, and it's a healthy and safe way to lose weight, whether or not you're taking any weight loss medication. If you're looking to feel like the most confident and healthy version of you, check them out. You can join today at weightwaters.com. Be sure to use promo code Skinny for $10 off your first month of membership. Offer applies to select plans. Restrictions apply. Offer ins 1231. That's weight watchers.com. So how can someone apply this mindset shift in their business and their family? Yes. Okay, so the best thing to do, it's easy with speaking. And again, the research proves that when you say in a situation that normally makes you nervous or anxious, I'm excited. I'm excited. I'll give you another example specifically and then we'll go to business. I used to be terrified of flying. And the reason why is I would get on the plane and I would, you know, click in and then I'd be nervously.

texting everybody as if I'd never see them again. I love you so much. What I did you? And then the plane would take off and you're like kind of like this. And then you know, when it levels off and it's like ooh and it feels like it's going to fall out and I'm like oh my God. And and I would be in a state of anticipating my death until the the beverage cart came out. Because I figured once the beverage cart comes out, the pilots are good. They're now letting people roam over. We're good. Okay. And so I started applying this research, and you can, if it's a situation that makes you very nervous or very anxious, I want you to marry this with what's called an anchor thought. Okay. So before you get on the plane or before at work, you got an important presentation today.

You're going to talk to your boss. You are going to advocate for the contributions you've been making, and you're going to make the case for the promotion that you want. And it's great that you're nervous because you care about this. And you want it to go well. And I want it to go well for you. So don't you dare go up here and start going, oh, oh, separate from myself. No, no, no, you've got to double down. I can handle this.

I deserve this. So when I start feeling anxious, go, oh, I know what's going on in my body. I'm just excited to do this. Now what I want you to do is have an anchor thought. And an anchor thought is a very visual scene of what you're excited about after it's over. So when I get on an airplane, I will do this today because I'm going to leave you guys and go get on an airplane and fly to Los Angeles. I'll think about what I'm super excited to do when I get there. And what I'm super excited to do, our daughter Kendall lives there.

I'm going to see Kendall tonight. And we're going to have dinner and we're going to have a sleepover party. And so I can imagine myself in my PJs sitting in her apartment on her bed and we're laughing and talking. That's my anchor thought because it just makes me calm and happy. Your anchor thought after the presentation could be you going out with your girlfriends and saying, I did it. I did it. I'm so proud of myself. I did it. I don't know what's going to happen, but I did it. I'm, you know, like, and that's your anchor thought. And I want you to really get visual with it.

Bring in your senses. Where are you? What is the light like? You know, what are the sounds that you hear? What are the colors that you see? Because your brain doesn't know the difference between something that's real and something that you imagine. I'm dying because I do this for every interview. Terrific.

I didn't even know this was like a thing. This is a thing. I like imagine how, like what I'm going to, the smoothie I'm going to drink after the interview that went so well. And like, we did this with Dana White. Like, exactly how we wanted to feel in the car leaving him. Like, you imagine that. So that's, it's called an anchor thought. We also, like, we have a busy week.

We're going to New York on Sunday. And there's a bunch of stuff we got to do. And then after we're going to take some time with the family. But we think about, like, getting through that and then what it's going to feel like being with the family. That's interesting. I didn't know it was called something. Yes. And so what I also love about this is that there is so much amazing science out there about how you can

intentionally program your mind to help you. And so let's keep unpacking this because here's how you're going to use it. You get on the plane and you are going, I'm excited, I'm excited, I'm excited. But you keep thinking about the plane crashing. The way that you use the anchor thought is as you're saying, I'm so excited, I'm so excited, because you might be great for the first 30 minutes and then you hit turbulence. And then your mind's like, fuck this, I'm dying. And so you're like, oh my god, so you're like, okay, no, I'm so excited. I'm so excited. Close your eyes.

And I will imagine myself sitting on that bed. I can hear the music playing. I can see the candle. It's probably 7 o'clock at night. The twilight's time of night starting to happen. She's laughing. She has her hair up. And what happens when you see that visually and you can put yourself there is your brain's like,

oh, wait a minute. Oh, if we're going to do that tonight, the plane makes it. Uh-huh. Oh, wait a minute. If I'm high-fiving my friends, even though I'm now listening to the interviewer and they've got a weird look on their face, I'm going to be okay no matter what happens. And so it's a way for you to settle the alarm. It's a way for you to kind of have your own back and to coach yourself through these moments because they're going to happen every day. there are things in life that are so out of your control, but you can learn how to use simple kind of, you know, switches in your own mind and body to empower yourself, to navigate it a little bit

better. And the more that you do this, the more mastery you get over it. And so this goes back to your original question. What do I do? I am super, super intentional. Like I sleep, I prioritize sleep. mouth tape's a big thing. I absolutely. Some skinny confidential. Yes, you do. Yeah. I have a very rock solid morning routine.

Like I get out of bed. Like even at the hotel, I make my bed. Slither. Yeah, slither. I slither when I can't get out of bed. I 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. When I don't need to slither, I exercise almost every morning. I did not exercise this morning because I was running too late.

I make my bed wherever I am, even in a hotel. I talk to my husband first thing in the morning, even when we're in different time zones. I also before I look at my phone, this is a very important thing. I intentionally think about the one thing that is important for me to make progress on today. And it is critical that you do that. So you asked about how do you use this for work? Part of why you may feel anxious at work, and this is particularly true if you're a small business owner, is it the second you look at your phone, your day's gone.

You are literally now in reactive mode. And if you haven't taken a moment before you've looked at your phone to say, okay, what's the one thing that really matters to me, not to get done, but to make a little bit of forward movement on it. It could be I'm going to send one text about this. I'm just going to write this on my whiteboard today so that it's out of my brain and in front of my face. I'm going to send one email. I'm going to watch one video.

Just one thing, because the resentment that you feel around work and the overwhelm that you feel around work has a lot to do with the fact that you're upset, and I've felt this for a long time, that everybody else's emergencies have become your priority. And the thing that matters to you, you can't seem to get to. and the thing about the stuff that matters to you is it's not going anywhere it's going to haunt the hell out of you and the only chance that you have to really think about it declare that it's important and find five freaking seconds to move the ball down the field or to get it out of your head and on paper so that you remember to do it at lunchtime is before you look at the phone because

if you imagine yourself like imagine yourself and you wake up in the morning and if you're in bed and you look at your phone, we've talked about this the last time, but I want you to, okay, you've got a Russian hacker over here in your bedroom. You have a bunch of, like, people trying to sell you shit over here. You got all your haters standing in your bedroom over there.

You got all the crazy headlines and the reporters and everything standing over here. You got every celebrity in the world trying to sell you shit over there. They're all standing in your bedroom now. Because that's the reality of what happens to your brain. the second you look at your phone. You have a very good memory.

I do. I actually, I literally have like a photographic memory. Because I talked to, you know, we talked to, you have a very good memory because I could tell as you were saying that, you were recalling a lot of things that we've talked about before. And the reason I say that to you is because a lot of people, listen, you do a lot of shows, we do a lot of shows, but the fact that you can recall it is, you, yeah.

Michael made you a promise that he would not bring the phone into bed. I told him, I didn't believe you'd do it. You didn't, you don't bring. You don't bring the phone into bed, but... No, but here's my... You do look at the phone the second you wake up. So it's not in bed with us anymore. You got it out of my bed.

But here's my caveat with this. Because I agree with almost everything you're saying, especially if you're wired as someone who looks at a phone and has your day completely derailed or taken away by people making asks if you were bombarding you. My dad, when I was little, he had a very successful friend. And it's funny, this is like really old. He said that the same thing would happen but with fax machines. Yeah.

Like the faxes would just come in, come in, come in. And this guy's tactic was anything that said urgent or ASAP or like get to this right away, he would take it and he would put at the very bottom of the pile of the faxes. And he says because what happens is people send these things and it's not urgent for you. It's urgent for them. And so what they're doing is they're taking. So what his tactic was is he would take the thing. But he said, but most of the time, if it truly was urgent, somehow it was.

would present his way and he'd have to manage it. Somebody calls you. But nine times out of ten, it was somebody else's urgent thing that you really wasn't urgent for you. And he would do the same thing in business. Like if someone's like, we got to get the deal done right now. And so the way that I think about the phone is this is the way that this fax machine is I look at it.

I'm aware of what's going on, but I don't feel the need to jump in and solve somebody else's to do. So I do what you're doing? I step back and I say, what is the thing that I need to do first that's most important for whatever's going on in my business or with my family? and then I behave out. But what she's saying is when you look at social media, what you do on X, let's be honest, that the X, the selling and the this and the butthole and the meme and the thing and the Elon Musk talking,

like all these things are entering your ether. And so you have to be protective of that. So yes, and I agree with all that. I guess what I'm saying is I've worked the muscle in my own life to not allow those things to take my time or distract me from the things I need to do. But it is taking your time because you're looking at it. I understand that from, you know. And this goes back to your first question.

I love a therapy session with Mel. I'm just sharing what works for me. If it works for you and you can honestly say that the very best thing for your business and the very best thing for your family and the very best thing for your brain is to allow. I would. I'm just saying. If you can say to yourself, like, it's your life. You need to live it in a way that really makes you happy.

So if you can say to yourself, hey, you know, like just pouring this shit into my head first thing in the morning is really the best decision for my family. It is the best decision. I'm not going to win with you, Mel. No. Yeah, I'm not going to win with you. I'm just saying to you, you are a very driven and fan. family first guy. Yes.

And you are a very ambitious person. And I would just have you stop and think that do some of these, because the micro habits, particularly at certain times of day, have a compounding effect. I agree. And I think you might make more money. I think you might be more present. if these are things you want. Maybe your wife's in bed naked and you could come over and hang out with me.

Does that sound better than I? I don't know, Lauren, you in the morning, let's be honest. In the morning, no matter of what you're doing, I'm going to stay away for about two hours. That's probably smart. Let's be honest. But you know what I'm saying? Like, it's just because here's the thing. I don't know what's best for you.

I know what works for me. And, you know, one of the things that I also know is this. I would not be able to live in New York or Los Angeles or Miami or any big media town. Because I would not do my best work. Agreed. What's why we live here? Yeah. And so it's, I live in a place where I don't see what anyone else is doing.

And it is not surprising to me that the single best thing that I will probably ever create in my life in terms of my work, the Let Them Theory book and this building this theory, was created in a place where I see nothing but mountains and sky. Because I was able to bring the full capacity of, of my brain to something that was important. And so do I do I do this ever? No. There are plenty of, especially weekend mornings or weekends that were in Boston because we will like you guys, I'll be in Boston five days a month and we'll take 10 interviews in five days. And those mornings, oh my God, you know, like my assistant's calling me at six o'clock, thank God. And so I'm picking up

the phone and we're like off to the races. And so those days are different, but on the days that I have the ability to really work the morning routine and give myself a space from the world, I just find that I'm so much more in control, the decisions are better, I feel more connected to Chris, I feel less nervous about anything. And so that's the only thing, but I don't, and this is why I say, you know, feel like, oh, you give people advice. I'm like, I'm sharing my experience, and I'm also trying to distill the, what experts are saying, the things that I've tried, the things that I've noticed. And you got to experiment for

yourself. And if it works for you to do it, you should keep doing it. No, no. So I, yeah, and listen, I think everything you're saying resonates. I guess what I would get my only thing that I would say, no, no, no, no, I think you're arguing with yourself. I'm not going to, like, I don't really care what you do. No, no, it's actually furthering what you were saying. There's things that I know that I do are certain vices to me that I'm still functioning within. Do I know some? of those vices could be, like, for example, we used to drink a lot more. We don't drink as much, but we still do once in a while. I almost brought up that example too for myself. I have people come on the show all the time. Don't drink any alcohol. I'm like, listen, like, I'm willing to

move a pretty good distance, but if I'm out with you and we're at dinner, we're having margaritas, like, that's what's going to happen. And so I'm willing to like make some tradeoffs in my life is what I guess I'm, but could I live more, could I do all these things and probably eke a little bit out? It's also the same thing when people, very successful people would be like, how do you live in Texas, not in one of the big cities, you'd be much more successful. Don't agree. Actually, I don't agree. I don't agree.

There's no distraction. But the point is, and you're also tied to your values. Yes. It's grounding. So here's what I would say. Everything comes with the cost. I think the biggest tragedy is when you go through life and you're unaware of those costs. I think you're aware of the cost.

I'm aware of the costs. I don't think that anybody, I think people are aware of the cost. I choose to believe everybody wants to thrive and do well. Yep. And oftentimes when you're in a period of your life, which I certainly have been in for a large part of my life, where you're stuck in these patterns, you know it. And there's a lot of internal friction that you feel.

And you get into this mode where, again, you start fucking the beat down. Why are these guys successful and I can't be? Why can't I find, like you just start pounding yourself. I have a selfish question for you. Something that I'm struggling with right now is I have a big project that I know I have to do. Okay. Let's like let's just for, why do you have to do it? Because it's something that's in me. I have to do it. Okay. And I have to, I think if I do it, it'll help everything else. Is it personal or professional? Professional. Okay. And I have it

conceptualized in my head and I want to get it out of me, but every day I make an excuse, why not to do it? And you would not believe how I procrastinate. I am like cleaning the closets for floorboards before I want to do this. Oh my God. I love you. I love you. I will do everything on the to do list. That's how you know you have something important to you. You are actually organizing the junk drawer that's been fine for two years. Like my underwear drawer is flawless. Okay. So how do I get myself there and why am I so resistant? I love this question. The resistance. I think we have a very, very interesting relationship to the dreams that we have. And I love that you have something because I think everybody needs something that they are excited and kind of scared to be working

on. You need something that helps you to get out of bed that's bigger than what you're doing right now because it gives you this sort of directional signal that helps you move towards something that is bigger than the day to day that you're slogging through. So I think these kinds of things, whether it's writing a book or it's starting a podcast, or it is just learning how to build an app and AI or learning how to make money online. Even having children. Or having children or anything. Like you want to plan, how could I possibly pay for life and become a travel blogger. Like, how could I do that? Just declaring that is so important to yourself because it gives you a way to pick your head up out of the day to day and see something larger. Yes. So that's number one. How you deal with

the resistance and the resistance is normal because the resistance is this kind of buffer space between who you are right now and what this would require of you. And so the resistance is a really good thing because it's a signal that you're about to literally change and move in a new direction, and you should expect that it's there. I live in an area of the country where there's snow, and I think a lot about that resistance like waking up in the morning and there's a fresh foot of snow. A snow plow comes and has to plow through the snow to make a path. You should not see the resistance as something that is stopping you, but rather it is that is a small. It is the beginning of you doing something new. And the resistance has to be moved through because

you're going to be forging new thinking patterns. Did you have the resistance when you started writing this book because, I mean, it's blown up. Did you know that this was the compass of where you had to go and was there a resistance towards it? I hate writing books because I'm super dyslexic and my thoughts go so fast that it's really hard to get them from here down my arm and And so the process of writing a book, especially while we're doing a podcast at the size that we do this production. How many days is your show come out now? Two days a week. Yeah.

And I felt a lot of it because here's the thing. At the time, I started writing it, I was 55. And I don't want to do more. I'd like to stay married. I mean, Chris and I have been married for 29 years. I love what I do for a living, but I want more time with my family and friends. I don't want to take on another thing. And I know that something, the size of a book, throws your life into turmoil if you're going to go head first at something.

And I also know my brain is so disorganized. I am just the classic creative. If you were to put 30 mice in a cardboard box and tip it over in the studio, that's what my mind is like. And so trying to get myself organized and knowing what chaos that would create in my marriage, like that's what the resistance was. And I also, when I first started like really working on the book, I thought it would be one of those books that was sort of, like, you know the books you buy at like a gift store or like this big and you put them in a bathroom and it's like reading a graduation speech?

Yeah. I thought the concept was super simple. So I kind of thought that maybe it would be a simple thing. And so when I started also just pushing forward, I started to realize, oh, wait a minute. This is really complicated. Oh, wait a minute. This has got so much reason.

Oh, wait a minute. This has so many applications. This is a whole different thing. So the resistance is super important. So is the cringe, by the way. So one of the things that I think a lot about is everybody's so worried about looking cringy, that's the price of entry. If you're not willing to look cringy, you're not going to be successful.

Cringe is what it feels like when you plow through the resistance of putting up your first influencer video. And then you hit post and you're like, that's a sign that you've moved in a new direction. And by the way, with the way all these new interest based algorithms exist, like even people that are established, you put something up and one thing goes crazy. The next thing gets four things and you're like, but you just have to keep going. Yes. Okay. So to your answer and to somebody who may feel this, now let's talk about how you get things done. I don't know what the project is, but I believe in something called the hot 15. Oh, what's the hot 15?

You can get just about anything done over time in 15 minutes a day. Okay. And for me, that's digestible for me. Anything that I have ever wanted to do that was moving my life in a new direction, I got very serious about my morning routine. And I love morning routines only because it's a constant that you can come back to at any moment. And, you know, if you're looking to make a major change and let 2026 be the best year of your life, I will walk you through the things that I do at the end of every year. and then I will tell you exactly what you should do as the first move to help you be more successful in making whatever change it is that you want to make stick. Let's walk our audience through what they should do. Is it an audit? Is it an inventory? Yes.

So the first mistake that everybody makes is we are so desperate for a clean slate that we jump right into the resolution, right into the new year. Do not do that. What I want you to do instead is I want you to take a minute and I want you to audit this last year. And here's how you're going to do it. Get your phone or your laptop and pull your photos out and pull your calendar out. And you're going to ask yourself questions like what were some of the best things that happened to me this year. And then look at January. Look at your calendar. And then look at the photos because you forgot. And your life has the answers. And so you're going to see, oh, wow, I was happy in March. Oh, interesting. I spent more time with friends. Oh, I had a terrible May. Oh, wow. I don't see

myself outside in any of these photos. And your life holds the clues. And then you're going to ask yourself, what did I learn this year? And then I always ask myself, what do I, what am I going to stop doing? What am I going to start doing? And what am I going to continue doing? What are some things that Mel Robbins, stop, starts, and continues. What's on that list? Maybe even just this year, things you stopped and things you stopped. I haven't done the audit yet, but one of the things that I stopped doing is I stopped accepting speaking arrangements. Because, you know, Jay Shetty's a really good friend of mine. We had a conversation two years ago that really stuck with me about time. And that time is, time and energy, those are your two most valuable resources. And that he was

talking about how one of his big goals for the year that camera what year it was was to really carve out more time where he's not doing things for other people or for the current business but he's actually carving out time and space to create yep and i was really inspired by that and then i looked at the upcoming year and i'm like fuck i can't do that i've ever committed and so i because speaking engagements tend to book 18 months to a year out and So you feel like, oh my gosh, it's 18 months away. Yes. Here's a Lauren hot tip that I do.

If I wouldn't do it tomorrow, it's a no for me. I love that. I run everything through that. If I look 18 months down the road and someone invites me to a party and I wouldn't go tomorrow, it's a no. Yep. Well, and also even more you've got to understand that your life will be very different 18 months from now and you're going to be pissed off.

You said yes. Yep. And so one of the stop things was I'm going to stop taking any kind of speech. unless it has certain crazy criteria to it. And that was incredibly helpful because it gave me tons of time back. Start doing. Start resistance training

because especially for my age and the way that women have been gaslit around being very, very thin, we're not little men. Our physiology is completely different. I always used to exercise on an empty stomach. Turns out you spike your cortisol when you do that and you actually works

against your body biology. makes you store fat. And so all those decades, I was busy doing cardio and doing yoga on an empty stomach. I was actually working against myself. And so one of the things I started doing was I've really prioritized protein. One thing that really makes me angry about protein and the way that it's marketed to women is that collagen is not protein, everybody? Yep, not. It does not count toward your protein count. And so I'm scooping in the college. That's why all these bars that come out with protein collagen, I'm like, that's not going to be. Yeah, it doesn't, It doesn't have the amino acid. I didn't know any of this. And so one of the things I started doing was getting way more educated about that market and about women's physiology and about resistance. Are you doing like three eggs before you work out? What are you eating? It depends. If I, and I always just tell myself a story that I would have a stomach ache if I did that. I can't exercise. It's not true. Even a pinch of a banana. Okay. If I'm running out the door and I have to get to a 6 a.m. class or I'm running.

running out the door to go walk the dogs, signals to your body, hey, I'm good. I had food. We don't have to be in a stressed out state right now. I got a good one for you. Tell me. That you're going to like. Spoonful of organic honey, even the one from beekeepers with the roll of jelly before you work out. With a who? A roll of jelly? A royal jelly? A royal jelly? And you do that spoonful. Uh-huh. Before you work out, you'll get a great workout. Okay. And if it's local honey, it helps with your allergies. Yeah. But a lot of it is like, again, like you do that with a little bit of food. Yeah. It's going to be. But I love.

eggs and kimchi or I eat a ton of protein. I'll make a protein shake. I'll do whatever. I don't like the bars. So what's your thing you're going to continue doing? The thing that I was going to continue doing. You cut out the speaking. Selling a shitload of books. You upped the protein. Oh, you know, I've really been working on

managing my energy and frustration levels at work. I'm a very, I hold myself to an extraordinarily high level of excellence, not perfectionism, excellence. Like, have I done my best work? And if I'm on a day where I only have 30% effort to give, and I give 30% that's excellence. But the thing that I've been working on on the other side of it is that can I be world class in terms of my standards for myself

and the way I am always pushing myself to be more innovative or to be more impactful or to do things in a way that is as effective but takes less time because we're using new tools or we bring in different skill sets. But can I also do that and be a person that is warm? Can I do that? And when somebody screws up,

whether it's a partner or it's a person that works for me. Can I give the direct feedback, but also assume good intent? Like, they're not meaning to screw up. And so can I control the way that I allow work stress? So you're continuing to work on that? Yes. What, are there any other things that people who are listening need to do in the audit? Or is it those? Those things give you so many clues about what worked. Right. About what didn't work. It might be, I'm not going to spend as much money. like just partying. Whoa, I bought way too much shit this year and I'm complaining that I have no money. I'm gonna go through my subs. This is gonna be the

year I start taking money seriously. Let's look at your Amazon account this from the next year. Next year we could look at that we could audit that so it could be anything because what because what you don't want to do is run into next year and think that you're gonna change all this shit without taking a look at what worked and what didn't work and being honest with yourself about where you are and it's very informative because you forgot so many amazing things that have. happened. And you also forgot shit that went wrong. I think those are great tips. Amazing tips. I have like a little bit of a gear switch. Something you mentioned earlier about going on a date and it was like in this

conversation and like not really sure if it's the person or not. You had a viral moment talking about telltale signs when you found the one. Yeah. You've been married for a long time. We've been together for a long time. We have two camps of friends now. Okay. We have the camp of friends that are married with their person. Yep. And, you know, are doing that. And then we have the other camp that that is. like, I can't find anyone. I'm on the dating apps, switching all the time, saying that they just can never find the one. I want you to talk about, like, how you know when there's the potential for the one. Well, there's always a potential for the one. And if you're obsessively on the apps, I want to ask you, do you talk to people as you're standing in a line at the coffee shop?

If you're at the bar, are you waiting for somebody to approach you? Or are you talking to other people? Like the apps just create an opportunity to connect in real life. But there's thousands of people around you every day. Have you thought a lot about the kinds of things that you want to be doing with your person, whether it's hiking or running or painting or playing on a pickleball league? Are you doing it now? because if you're not living your life in real life, being open to meeting somebody,

you can't blame the apps. And if you're not willing to go first, you can't be angry that somebody else isn't coming up to you. And if you're not also engaged in the activities that you are waiting to do with a person that you hope enjoys those things, one of the most important things to do is get in a running group now, get in a pickleball league now, because now you're putting yourself in proximate relation with other people that enjoy those things. And even if your person doesn't happen to be in the tournament that you're in this weekend where you're meeting a bunch of people, the people who are in the tournament know people.

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What about people who are expecting perfection from the other person? I mean, you're an idiot. Who is perfect? Like that's ridiculous. I have a friend that was like, I am not going to date that girl. She has the worst teeth. Those are snagletooth teeth.

Those are so gross. And I looked at him and I said, smile. He smiles. He has snagletooth teeth. You cannot expect someone to have a perfect white smile when you yourself have snagletooth teeth. You cannot expect someone to be witty, funny, make a shit ton of money when you yourself are not doing those things.

Well, I think the bigger question to ask yourself is, are you looking for somebody that's going to look good in a photo? Or are you looking for somebody that you can create a good life with? And people can learn skills. So if you're dating somebody who's sloppy, or if you have met somebody and you don't know because they don't know how to cook, people can learn skills. And if you idolize your parents' relationship, because they have a beautiful relationship, I say this to my daughters in particular all the time, your dad is an amazing human being. He is my favorite person on the planet

hands down. I like him more than I like myself. But you're looking at a man who's 56. When I met your father and he was 25, he was not fully baked. And they're going to be thinking. And they're going to be that you would have loved about them and things that you would be complaining about them. And so here's what's actually important. What's really important is, number one, your person, if you're going to build a good life with them, is the person you're going to go through the good times and the bad times with. It's the person that you're going to go through the highs and the lows with. And so the number one thing that is important is that when you come in from a day at work or a day at school

And, you know, the world is so overwhelming right now. When you walk through that door, is your person home base. Can you drop your shoulders? Can you stop pretending? Can you be yourself? Can you be who you're not? This person isn't there to fix everything for you. This person energetically, in my opinion, is somebody that allows you to just drop your shoulders and just be.

So that's number one. Number two, there's really great research. that can really help you navigate what's important, what's not important. Because there's a couple that's married, the Gottman's. They have this really famous research institute, the Gottman Institute. They're like the OGs are like 80. I want to interview them. You should. Because they're adorable. And all they do is look at what makes for a successful relationship and what also doesn't. So 69% of the stuff you argue about with your person, it's never going away. Oh, really, Mel.

Really? Come on. It's always going to be there. It's always going to be there because you're not the same human being. And you're going and part of going through life. And by the way, the mark of a good couple is not whether or not they argue. See, people that don't argue are in trouble because they're not talking. See, you hear that YouTube and all the people commenting that we argue on the show.

I like to get it out on the wall and throw it against the wall and see what happens. They go, what is going on with this couple? you can argue in a way that leads to resolution versus arguing at each other and making each other wrong and leading to you going to your corners, that is a sign of a very healthy relationship because life isn't going to be perfect and people are annoying. And the people you love annoy you the most. Yeah. Like that's why we have families. Like when you lock me out of the bathroom and I have to get into the shower to get my stuff. Yes, well, he's taking a dump.

What are you doing? You're pretending the shower's on. I'm talking about it. Can I have four minutes in the house without either a kid or a wife or somebody? But so what I was going to say is we have families because it teaches you how to love people you hate sometimes. And you are going to hate the person that is your person at times. But you can still love them at the same time.

So here's what's important though, everybody is that if the person that you meet, has 80% of the things that matter. And let's talk about what matters. Here's what matters. Are they loyal? Do they have longstanding friendships? Do they have a good relationship with their family? Do they treat the people that wait on you kindly?

Are they a person that speaks to you in a way that makes you feel good about yourself? These are the things that matter. Because the hair is going to go, the belly's going to come, life's going to go up and down, the weight is going to shift, shit's going to hit the fan, you're going to have money, you're going to lose, like all of that is coming. Can you do all that with this person? And if the person has the values and is a good person, then they are probably your person. Now, here's what people get wrong. If you're with somebody and being with them requires you to give up on one of your dreams or requires you to go against your values. So for example, your partner's not sure if

They want kids. But you want kids, and you know that. But you think that you might be able to just convince them over time. That is a very dangerous relationship to be in. Because what the research shows from the Gottman's is that the things you compromise on that make you give up on your dream to move to London or your dream to move back to the small farming town to raise your kids near your family or the dream to have a business of your own,

If you have to give up on those things to be with this person, this is not your person. Because you, in giving up that dream, will start to resent the person as the reason why you did. And it's going to lead to you breaking up, to you getting divorced, and to you being older and then going, fuck, I wish I had done that. I wish I had really recognized that. I was going to say when you were talking a lot of wasted time. A lot of wasted time. One of the reasons that I fell in love with my. initially is he was one of the first guys that didn't try to dim my shine and he put a pedestal under me while I was shining. And I think that you're so right about that. If someone wants to rip that from underneath you, it's... Yeah, and the thing is, is that your family, if your family doesn't like the person, let's presume we're dealing with a situation where your family is relatively normal. I'm not talking about like an abusive situation or, you know, you have a really, really like,

difficult, challenging family dynamic. But if you've got a pretty good relationship with your family and your family doesn't like the person and not for discriminatory reasons, they're like, really, like, I don't really like how you, Lauren, you don't seem like, when your family starts saying to you, you don't really seem like yourself. That's not a good thing. Because your family wants you to be happy. And I will tell you as a mom, it is so clear when your child is in a relationship with somebody who, brings out the best of them and when they're in a relationship where your child is suddenly not themselves. And I'm not saying not themselves like they're exercising and they're doing great things and they're all this stuff. What a timely clip that I might, but we'll move on with that.

I mean because because I'm not saying they get healthier habits. I'm saying your sister starts withdrawing. She's not seeing her friends anymore. She seems like really timid and not wanting to do the things that she used to do. She's getting unhealthier and unhealthier. And this isn't who you know your sister to be. And so when your family, who you love, start saying, you know, you don't really seem like yourself. They're saying, there is something going on in this relationship that is changing you in a way that is scaring me because I see you disappearing and not in a good way. When

you're with somebody who, to your point, you feel like, brings out the best in you, you see that in somebody. And it doesn't even mean that they have to make you a better version of yourself. You just see the person you know being themselves. And you see the person that they're with being incorporated into their life. Because a great relationship expands your life. It actually brings more friends into your world. It brings more family into your world.

It brings more new hobbies into your world. a relationship that's not good for you starts to shrink it. Woo! I'm going to have to use this clip, Bell. Before you go, can you look at the camera in the audience? Everyone go watch the YouTube.

And can you give them a couple of tips? Maybe it could even be from this episode to kick off their year for the best year yet. Yeah. So first of all, do an audit of the year. First of all, I want you to do an audit. it of the year so that you really start the year with the data from what worked this past year and what worked you do more of and what didn't work you do less of it's that simple and then

the way that I want you to think about goals is I want you to just think about what area of your life no longer feels the way you want it to feel and me personally I only do kind of one big thing because I think when you have too many things that you say you're going to change this year, you change nothing. Agree. Because if everything's important, nothing is. And so you have to think singularly if you want to be successful. And so if this is going to be the year of health, if this is going to be the year where you get

serious about how you're going to become more financially secure, you're going to either You're going to really like take this on because you're tired of being paycheck to paycheck. You're tired of watching other people make money. You know you can figure this out. But you also know that you got a lot of changes to make, both with your spending, both with the way you think about money, both with educating yourself. You know, you're capable of changing anything for the better over time. You cannot convince me otherwise. Through the settings in your mind, through the actions that you take, through all the free resources that are out there through shows like this, you can figure out.

out what you need to do. And you can also learn how to push yourself through the resistance to do it. So really define what is the singular thing you're going to make this year about. Okay. And then what I want you to do is I always start with the morning routine because you can come back to it. And the morning routine needs to be something that you can do in 15 minutes or less because you can always add onto it on mornings that are busy. But 15 minutes or less that you, you know, You could do in a hotel room. You could do it at your parents' house. You can do on a weekend get away with your girlfriends.

You can do any time, and it's something that helps you wake up into the day and feel like yourself. For me, it's simple. I get out of bed when the alarm rings. I make my bed. And I make my bed, even in the hotel this morning, I made my bed. Even though I was checking out, I make my bed. Why? Because it makes me feel like myself.

I then go the bathroom. I brush my teeth. I look myself in the eyes in the morning. And I think, okay, what's the one thing that matters to me? Sometimes it's work-related. Sometimes it's related to the thing that I really deeply care about. And sometimes it's personal. Like for literally two months, one of the things that kept popping up is,

I have to finish a photo album from my dad's 80th birthday trip to Peru, which was 18 months ago. I have to do that today. And it would come up and then I would do one thing that day, and this is the hot 15. The hot 15 for me, and this is why I love morning routines, is can you find 15 minutes today to advance the ball on that one thing? Because if you can carve out 15 minutes to watch a YouTube video or to research what book you should read on the topic, you know, for those of you that don't have mentors, start reading biographies and autobiographies. 100%. There's your mentors right there.

and they will show you the formulas. They will show you the changes to make. They will show you what kind of mindset. It's extraordinary the amount of information you can get for free at your local library or online. Selfishly, who are some of your favorite biographies or autobiographies? Oh, my God. Andre Agassi was fantastic.

Love it. Open. Love that book. Oh, my God. I, you know, I, well, I personally loved Michelle Obama's book, Becoming. I loved, I'm trying to think of some older ones that I've read, Steve Jobs, the book on Steve Jobs. I mean, I...

Is there a type of person you look for? Is it like a business leader, a political leader, an athlete? I think you can learn from everybody. I was in the airport bathroom the other day. And there was a woman cleaning the bathroom who was operating with a level of excellence that was world class. Her energy was a blue bird sky. she was singing a she was good morning waving to people she had a level of excellence for herself

and for the world that we all need that is a person I can learn from and be inspired by the number of people that walk by a human being cleaning a bathroom and a public restroom and do not even acknowledge that person is deplorable and despite that

like just think about how difficult that job is how thankless it is to have a level of excellence and standard for yourself in terms of your energy and the contribution you're making in the world because your energy is contribution. And to show up like that in a thankless job, that is a human being we all can learn from,

and I certainly do. And so I look for examples everywhere because they are everywhere. And it also depends on what you want your life. Like, I have become more successful than I ever thought was possible. I already live in a place, said I now love. I don't need anything else. I just want more time with my husband and my kids and

with my friends. I want to continue to do work that makes a difference and that, you know, as I get older, it makes me feel fulfilled and like I'm doing something that matters. When you have an experience in life, I'm so grateful that this happened when I was older. You know, at 41, I almost lost everything that mattered to me. Being almost a million dollars in debt, like tearing my marriage apart, the house that we are living. And your kids were like middle age of-old. Under the age of 10.

Yeah. That's so stressful. And but here's what it does. You don't forget that. And so I'm grateful that all of this success has come later because it proves it's never too late to change your life and to change who you are. It's never too late to change your mindset or to change your habits or to improve your marriage or to have the hard conversations. It's never too late to figure out how to be successful with money. And you also have context. Yes. And on top of

that, even with all the success, even being able to get out of debt and to restore the savings and to do things that I never thought I'd be able to do, I know what I value. And so I'm not caught up in more because I know that this amazing road trip called life, it ends at the exact same point for all of it. I mean, you can't take anything with you. And so at the end of your life, if you've done it well, you will be surrounded by people you love who love you back, and you will be able to reflect on the time that you had, and you will be able to say, I am proud of the person that I was. I'm proud of the friend that I was. I'm proud of the parent that I was and the spouse that I was. I am happy that I allowed myself to be myself. I'm proud

of how I used the time. And so, you know, I want more time and quality time with the people that I care about. It sounds like that's your goal for the next year. You know what my goal is? I'm working on that all the time because it's like a deep value for me. My goal is to, I've been so focused on building the business and getting out of debt and, you know, being, like making money. Because when you come from a place of I almost lost it all, there's a bit of a, I'll just say yes, and I'll just keep building. And I'll just like, there's a kind of energy like that that I'm like, okay, you can take a deep breath. you did it. Now, how about you have a different energy around it and you learn more about investing and you learn more about the stock market? Like, it may surprise you like, I'm very, very conservative

when it comes to what I do with my money because I don't want to lose it again. You should talk to Michael. This is his favorite. Well, no, but I mean, so he's so I, so I, so my goal for this year is really about just feeling like I developed the same level of excellence and expertise. around just what I'm doing in my financial life versus focusing on getting out of debt and making money and saving money and like, you know. There's a book that changed your life. We don't have the same story, but we have a similar circumstance where I did very well young, which was like, I guess it's not so common, but I did very well.

But then almost like fully lost everything around 2014, 2015, a lot of like stressful, a lot of that stuff. And I resonate with what you were said about the energy of like the go go. Like you're saying I'm ambitious and I'm driven. Well, a lot of that comes from going up and then down aggressively. People relying on you and then coming back up. But during that time, I like, I realized the same thing. I was going, going, going and I was okay at producing. But I needed to educate myself around investing. So what's the book? Well, listen. Funny enough, well, Tony Robbins book, Money Master of the Game and he's on the show. I think that's a great book. It's dense. But it'll give. you like those aha moments about what you're and here's the thing if you're somebody who ever gets

anxious about money which i think everybody who's lost it does it'll give you the the calm like if you can get through some of the like the number crunching and the stuff that's like whoa it'll just give you like oh that's the way to think about it it'll take the stress about money out of your life the person i just spoke to that i love the most is david bach and he has such an important book for women do you know the average age of widowhood in the united states is 59 oh uh oh oh 59. Wait, so I'm going to be a widow like without my husband

or he's going to be without me? And he basically explained, no, that you would be a widow without your husband. And he basically explained that while cancer diagnosis is the number one cause of bankruptcy in this country,

which is deplorable, that that's what's happening. Because they have to pay the medical bills or because people just... Oh, you have to pay the medical bills. You're so stressed about... You have to pay the medical bills. You can't work.

You... Terrible. Yeah, it's terrible. On top of... of that, women, you know, are earning 80 cents on the dollar. A lot of women, on average, are opting out of the workforce for 11 years in order to raise kids. And so that compromises your earning potential. And so if you're in a situation where you have early widowhood, what also ends up happening is your spouse typically has a health decline. And those medical

bills then start to destroy the financial savings. And now you're in a situation where it's later in in life and you've been out of the workforce and now all of a sudden you're a widow and you're not in the position that you thought you were going to be in. And so he has very accessible and important stuff. You should have him on. He's a fabulous interviewer. I mean, on David Bach. He's he's written 10 New York Times number one bestsellers. And his first book was all about women because his grandmother in the depression, he and his grandmother, his grandmother took control of his, their finances, and they were able to retire with a million dollars. And so he teaches people how to, through incremental savings, which is possible today, to, you know, really set yourself up. It's, he's, he's,

you guys would love him. There's also, and this is just, I was, as you were talking about, like, death, and I think it's such an important, I was reading Bill Perkins book, Dyer with Zero, which is interesting. And he talks about annuities for people. that are kind of doing well. Right now people are doing well or you can put some money aside. If you want to guarantee yourself a certain kind of cash flow or income month to month, it's like the reverse of a life insurance policy. You have to put some money up front into it, but it guarantees you a certain amount of cash flow depending on what you put. Again, we won't go down that rather.

But it's interesting because I just think people, especially if women or men are stressed about that potential, you at least would know that you had guaranteed an income for yourself. Yes. Yeah. Anyways. If you haven't bought her book, you should buy it for your family. This is one of the reasons why. There's three people left that haven't bought the book.

No, but here's one of the reasons why. First of all, it's super entertaining. Secondly, you immediately feel less stress because it helps you deal with the biggest form of stress in your life, which are other people. You can open it to any page, too. What I've found is I can open it to any page and I can bookmark something and find a tidbit

and move on with my day. Like, I don't think you have to read it front to back. Like, I sometimes, like, will be in the morning with my son for 15 minutes. I get five pages in. You can highlight it. You can go back to it. It really is one of those books. Yeah.

And if you want to be more stoic, if you want to feel more in control, if you want to feel more peace, this is a forward tool. Let them and let me that will help you do it. And if you're tired of the friction in your family, if you are, you are, frustrated because somebody in your life won't change, get them that book and I will take care of them. Because this book, the reason why it is this successful is because when people read it, they feel better and you immediately think of five other people who need this because they're either driving you crazy or because you wish they could be less stressed and

less frustrated by the people in their life or their job, and it really works. Open invite. I had 16,000 other questions that I could have asked anytime you want to come back on the show. I love talking to you too. Where can everyone find your podcast and you? Congratulations on everything. It's at Mel Robbins. At Mel Robbins. Wherever you want to find me.

Wherever. That's fun. You're amazing. You're amazing. Thank you. Be sure that you guys go to shop skinny confidential.com. We are doing Black Friday, Cyber Monday, and I want you to get everything that you want. before everything sells out. Go to shop skinny confidential.com.com.