The Skinny Confidential Him & Her Podcast - My Fair Junkie Amy Dresner On Sex Addiction, Drug Addiction, & The Road To Recovery

Episode Date: October 6, 2020

#299: On today's episode we are joined by journalist, author, and former comedian as well as a recovering addict and alcoholic; Amy Dresner. Amy is the author of the wildly popular addiction memoir "My Fair Junkie - A Memoir Of Getting Dirty And Staying Clean". On this episode we discuss Amy's journey as a drug addict, sex addict, and now recovering addict in the recovery program.  To connect with Amy Dresner click HERE To purchase Amy's book "My Fair Junkie" click HERE To connect with Lauryn Evarts click HERE To connect with Michael Bosstick click HERE Read More on The Skinny Confidential HERE For Detailed Show Notes visit TSCPODCAST.COM To Call the Him & Her Hotline call: 1-833-SKINNYS (754-6697) This episode is brought to you by ButcherBox Every month, butcher box ships a curated selection of high-quality meat right to our home. All meat is free of antibiotics and added hormones. You can customize your box to your exact preference. It’s a no-brainer! Options like 100% grass-fed and finished beef, free-range organic chicken, wild-caught Alaskan salmon, and more. Just go to ButcherBox.com/skinny now to sign up! The episode is brought to you by AncestryHealth  Your inherited health risks don't have to stay unknown. Learn if you're at lower or higher risk for some commonly inherited conditions linked to breast cancer, colon cancer & heart disease, with AncestryHealth. Find out what your DNA says about genetic risk with AncestryHealth®. Head to Ancestry.com/SKINNY to get your AncestryHealth® kit today! Produced by Dear Media

The following podcast is a Dear Media production. She's a lifestyle blogger extraordinaire. Fantastic. And he's a serial entrepreneur. A very smart cookie. And now Lauren Everts and Michael Bostic are bringing you along for the ride. Get ready for some major realness. Welcome to The Skinny Confidential, him and her.

Aha! If you say you're an AA and then you relapse, it makes it look like AA doesn't work. And my thing is AA doesn't work for everybody. And relapse is part of recovery for a lot of people. And if you know someone who has cancer and they go through chemotherapy and they still die, do you think that chemotherapy doesn't work? No, you fucking don't. You think it just didn't work in that case. So I think it's crazy to not talk about it. I don't know how it can be a thing of

attraction when no one knows you're fucking in it. Welcome back to the Skinny Confidential Him and Her Show. We have such a fire episode this show. I am so excited. It goes all over the place. We talk about addiction. We talk about sex addiction. We talk about meth. We talk about crack. We talk about squirting. It goes everywhere. If you have kids in the car, I would probably not listen to this episode in front of kids. On that note, that clip that you just heard was from our guest of the show today, Amy

Dresner. She's a journalist, an author, and a former comedian. She's also a recovering addict and alcoholic. She wrote one of my favorite addiction memoirs, which is why I wanted to have her on the show. It's called My Fair Junkie. And I was so attracted to how transparent she was throughout the book that I just knew the audience would love her.

There's something so beautiful in just sharing your truth and owning it. And she totally does that in the book. One of my favorite things about this episode in particular is, you know, what we love to do on this show is have unfiltered conversations with things that aren't necessarily explored regularly and aren't explored in such a raw and unfiltered way. Amy is definitely raw and unfiltered on this episode. And I think what these conversations do is they open people's eyes to other experiences that people may have. And it also takes subjects that may be taboo and brings them to the light so that people can actually discuss them. I think it's so important, especially

in this day and age where people actually start to listen and discuss things and keep an open mind. And so having Amy on the show to shed light on addiction, sex addiction, and all the things that we dive into is so helpful because there's so many people that struggle with these things and aren't able to have comfortable conversations with everyone in their lives. And so hopefully conversations like this make it okay for other people that are struggling with addiction and any other thing else that's uncomfortable or a struggle so that they can actually start talking about this in an empowering way to seek help or heal or seek comfort. And that's why I love being able to do this show is that we can highlight things like this that can potentially help someone. I think that too, just playing off

what Michael said, it's normalizing conversation like this and not like Michael said, making it so taboo. I personally have really, really struggled in my family. A lot of people in my family are addicts and it runs in my family. My sister came on the podcast a while ago. You can Google the skinny confidential Faye. She came on and shared her story with addiction. My mom had addiction in her family. And so to have Amy on and be so transparent, like I said, and real, especially during quarantine when a lot of addicts are struggling was really powerful. All right, let's meet Amy. She is dynamic. She is a firecracker. You're going to love her. She's a freelance columnist and author of the addiction memoir, My Fair Junkie.

She's also the co-host of Rehab Confidential podcast. With that, let's meet Amy. This is the Skinny Confidential, him and her. Okay, so I was just saying that I am obsessed with reading addiction memoirs. It's honestly a hobby. I read Scar Tissue by Anthony Kiedis, favorite one. And then I read yours. And I was like, holy shit, you have a lot of masculine energy in the way you approached writing it. It was so honest, especially for a woman.

I have a lot of masculine energy just in general. Yeah, I wanted you on the podcast immediately after I finished it. It was so honest, especially for a woman. I have a lot of masculine energy just in general. Yeah, that's I wanted you on the podcast immediately after I was like, I mean, I'm straight, but my voice is really low. You know, I was raised by my dad. And it's just like, I don't know. I was I don't know what masculine energy regarding writing is. I just was like, I got to be honest. I've never had a really good filter. And when I wrote the book, I was really like, I have to be as honest as I can. Otherwise, I'm not going to help people. If I'm trying to look good, then it's just vanity writing.

And then who's it going to help? Like, I wrote it to help people. I'm waiting for your next one. I know everyone is. I know. I know. Can you, like, go have some experiences? Oh, I know.

Well, I mean, stay safe, but also. Well, like, I know. Well, I go have some experiences? Oh, I know. Well, I mean, stay safe, but also. Well, like I know. Well, I've got some stories that I didn't like. I didn't blow my whole load in that first book because everyone's like, don't blow. And I was like, so I still have some horrible stories. But, you know, a lot of people want to know what happened after because like my whole world exploded in a horrible way after. What? Yeah.

Well, I can't tell you because I i'm gonna put it all in the book you have to give us a tease but let's go back though because i think context of you know lauren's lauren's people think it's all yeah yeah a lot of the audience is unfamiliar with their stories i want to go like yeah well they need to go buy it hi people stop the podcast right now and go buy it and go buy it new on amazon okay like i'd like to get a royalty check, please. Yeah. My fair junkie, you got to buy it. But just to give us context of your childhood, take us way, way back so we can sort of meet you and meet Amy because they're going to buy the book because I'm telling you guys it's the best book. But first tell us where you grew up, how you grew up, what your childhood was like.

I grew up in Beverly Hills in Laurel Canyon. My mom was a designer. My dad was a screenwriter. I was an only child my parents divorced when i was two i just kind of was shuttled around between the two of them i went to west lake when it was all girls private uniform school in bel air yeah right so i was like but it was weird because my parent my mom there's a lot of addiction in my family and there's a lot of depression in my family and i got i got the double whammy. I got, I hit the genetic lottery with both of those things. I was kind of like a pure girl. Like I was like very obsessed with purity

when I was growing up. And my father was like, if you don't drink or smoke or do drugs before you're 18, I'll give you a thousand dollars. And I was a joke, like that's how Jews raise each other. We just bribe each other. And I was like a thousand dollars, excellent. I mean, I was fucking young then, you know? So I waited till I was 19 and I'm in college and, uh,

God. And I show up at college. It's like sophomore year. I went to Santa Cruz, then transferred to Emerson and I'm in college and I'm like, I'm a virgin and I've never drank. And everyone's like, what's up, freako? You know? And I was like, oh shit, it's nothing cool. It's like this horrible albatross around my neck. And I was like, oh, shit. It's nothing cool. It's like this horrible albatross around my neck. And I was like, I need to get laid and loaded like immediately.

So I started drinking and I lost my virginity. It was a horrible experience. It's in the book. What happened? Oh, okay. You got to read the book. You got to read the book.

Come on, man. We got to tease these motherfuckers. Horrible, horrible experience. I mean, does anyone have a good experience? I don't know if anyone really, some people maybe. Mine was vanilla. Yeah, mine was not vanilla. Mine was, if you read don't know if anyone really, some people maybe. Mine was vanilla.

Yeah, mine was not vanilla. Mine was, if you read it, you're just like, oh, wow. And so it wasn't until I just kind of didn't know. I was just like so good. And then sort of at 24, I moved to San Francisco and I was like, I don't know who I am. And I'm going to find out who I am by who I'm not. I'm going to say yes to everything, whatever comes my way, performing and drugs and girls. And I'm going to just say yes to the universe. And it was like, I think Shonda Rhimes wrote a book called The Year of Saying Yes. And like hers turned out really well. Mine, not so much. I turned out to be a fucking full-blown speed freak at the end of my year. Was that the drug of choice speed? Well, I didn't even know what my drug of choice was. I didn't smoke pot till I was like 21. And then I'm in San Francisco and I'm like, I had grown up really privileged and had a trust fund

and all this kind of stuff. And I was like, and San Francisco is like the way like, it's cool to be homeless, man. And it's cool. Like, so I was like, I got to throw all that off and be like, fuck yeah, man. Everyone's like, are you on like GA, like general assistance? I'm like, I'm on grandpa's assistance. You know what I mean? So it was like, I got, so I did all the things I never, my father, I got a job in a restaurant. My father was like, oh yeah, you got a job in a restaurant? That's nice. Graduated magna cum laude, right? Just totally, completely lost my shit once I graduated. I started, I thought I was going to be an actress like every jackass kid in Hollywood. Realized very quickly I could not, I could be only myself. So that's why I ended up doing comedy later.

But completely like had a nervous breakdown, was drinking during the day, got fired from every job. So I moved to San Francisco and I get a job. My dad says, oh, you got a job in a restaurant. Are you a hostess? And I said, no. He said, are you a waitress? I said, no.

I said, I'm a dishwasher. He said, do they know you've washed about 10 fucking dishes in your whole life? So it's just this whole kind of removing of like the princess thing. And I sort of dove into this whole other world. And I was waitressing one night. I was tired because I'd stayed up doing Molly with this couple. Because I was in the year of yes, man. Did you have a good relationship with your parents? Like, why do you think you wanted to rebel so hard against like the way you were, you know, obviously raised? I have a really, yeah, I have a good relationship with my parents,

specifically my dad and I are really tight. I think I wanted to please them really badly. I think I felt really repressed kind of growing up and was like, my father was sort of my main paternal, my, he was my mom and my dad. My mom moved to Mexico when I was 13 to weave rugs and stuff. So I went through puberty with my dad. So it was like I think I just didn't want I had to like submerge all my sexuality so that he could be my mom and my dad because I didn't want to become a woman and be sexual and then him push me away.

You know what I mean? So I sort of submerged all that and then it all came out. Wow. That is some soul searching. Oh, well, it's a zillion years of fucking therapy is what it is. Yeah. I bought people limos with the fucking, yeah. So, okay. So you stayed up doing Molly with a couple. Yeah. And this guy, this neighbor was like, Hey man, I'm like so tired. I got to go waitress at this Ethiopian restaurant. And I'm like the worst waitress in the world. I'm like, I'm so uncoordinated. I'm really clumsy. I'm really uncoordinated. But Ethiopian restaurant. And I'm like the worst waitress in the world. I'm like, I'm so uncoordinated. I'm really clumsy.

I'm really uncoordinated. But Ethiopian food's all in like one platter. Just one platter. It's like one manhole. I was like, well, that I can do. Like then I, but I was, I knocked shit over. I was totally like the, but I got the highest tips because I was funny.

So anyway, I'm tired. Eventually I got fired. And then I worked, went, went, worked for the quadriplegic guy, which is really an intense part of the book. That is such a good part of the book. Yeah, yeah. And you really go into that. Yeah. And that probably in a way, I don't know if humbled is the right word.

Oh, yeah. Well, then I got really humbled when I tried to stab my ex and then ended up on the chain gang. I'm telling you, this book. Well, we're bouncing around. Michael's got his popcorn. Michael's like, okay, wait, stay on track. And the girls are like, yeah. Quadriplegic stabbing chain gang.

Okay, all right, all right. Marley speed. So anyway, my neighbor goes, here, do a little of this. It'll give you energy. And I was like, okay. I didn't know what it was. I was just like, okay. And it was just like the pink powder and i was like it was in the 90s and i was like like totally tweaked out and i didn't like it and i was like i'm not doing that shit

again and that's speed yeah i was like i've never done speed does it just make you feel like you're on adderall what is it no adderall well i don't Adderall. Adderall makes me really like. Methamphetamine for me made me feel confident and beautiful and give me energy and creative. Adderall just makes me feel sort of agitated and weirdly energized because it doesn't have the methyl compound. So like every good drug addict, I know everything. Yeah, I'm so interested. I know about everything about drugs and like the science and like, you know. So you liked Speed immediately or it took a minute?

Yeah. Well, so the second time I did it, I was like, someone offered it to me again. I was hanging out with all these gutter punks and skinheads and like, just like slumming it. I thought it was like a Tarantino movie, man. This is cool. It's just like such a fucking poser. And so out of my league, someone offered it to me again and I did it again and it clicked for me. And I went, oh my God, I feel normal. I'd been on psych meds. I'd had a nervous breakdown at 19 and another one at 22. And I'd been on antidepressants. What caused those? What was the root of the breakdown? Biology, not being set up well for life. I mean, you name it. I just didn't know. Once I got out of college, I just was like,

I don't know how to function in the world. And how does that manifest itself? How does the nervous breakdown? I'm sorry, I'm interjecting here, but I just like to get a clear picture. Crying, drinking during the day, not being able to get out of bed, wanting to kill yourself. So yeah, when I found crystal meth, it made me feel like I could be on the planet. I was like, this is what I need to be on the planet. Like, fuck Prozac. Like, this is what I need. And it made me feel normal. And who doesn't want to feel normal?

I think that's a big misunderstanding among drug addicts. I mean, some people are trying to numb a pain or get high, but most of us just want to feel normal. And I've dug into the science of this. And a lot of drug addicts, and you're not even supposed to say that you're supposed to be a substance use disorder i just can't did that become like a new is that oh yeah i got so much shit when my book came out because people are like we don't say clean we don't say dirty we don't say junkie i'm like it's my story motherfuckers write your own book we've had some we've had some addicts i don't even know if i'm being politically correct we've had addicts on the show and we've talked about this. And I think they also say junkie.

So maybe we can say it wrong. Yeah, I mean, I've never heard someone be like, hi, I'm Dave. I have substance use disorder. Like no one talks like that. That's like for insurance. God, we're so coddled now. But I'll go a whole tangent on that.

They think it's going to change the stigma. I disagree with that. I disagree with that. I think the stigma is going to be changed by people coming out, celebrities coming out with addiction, people seeing people recover. It's not the addiction and also the biology catching up where people realize it's not a moral issue.

It's mostly a biochemical or genetic trauma or issue of trauma. That's, I feel like, just started to happen in the last eight years. Absolutely. People have just started to realize that it's something that you can't control. Yeah. It's a pretty tight community here. I mean, I'm sure you know Bob Forrest. Of course I know Bob.

I fucking love Bob. Come back on the show. I love Bob Forrest. I've been on his podcast. I've known Bob for years. He's one of the best human beings. Yeah. He doesn't give a shit.

He's one of the people I was referencing, Junkie. He'll say that. Oh, well, he's totally like that. Khalil, like all these guys. Yeah, he hates SUDs. He's like, well, then if it's substance use disorder, then what's orderly use? And I'm like, oh, my God. Well, I just feel like it's really kind of what we do when we're using that fucks people up.

It's like you can say, and I wrote an article, Dr. Wetzman, I quoted him, and he was just like, Dave stole my car and fuck my wife and, you know, blah, blah. And they're like, well, Dave has substance use disorder. And like that makes it okay. Like it it's our behavior like no one gives a shit let's talk about our new sponsor butcher box who likes quality meat and who likes quality meat delivered straight to their door i know michael and I do. We are huge, huge fans of ButcherBox. Ever since we started working with them, every single month, ButcherBox has shipped a curated selection of high quality meats right to our home. And this is a big deal because it's almost like they do all the work for you. So all their meat is free of antibiotics and added

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I'm telling you, try that nitrate-free bacon and the wild-caught Alaskan salmon. It's so hard, though. Like, I feel like with kind good going with the amends it's hard when when the addict makes amends to you and this is like maybe a question we could ask later in the episode but i just want to know are you as the sober i don't want to say sober person as the non-addict supposed to be like that's fine and? No, you can absolutely not accept the amends. I've had people not accept my amends. But what if you do accept the amends? Does that mean you have to just get over it right away?

No, absolutely not. Isn't it? It's more about- Oh, I thought it meant that you have to get over it right away. Tell me if I'm wrong here. I mean, it's about the addict being able to move forward and not carry. Is that what it is? Yeah, it's mostly for us.

It's like whether you accept it or not, like I've had people not accept my amends and I have to live with that, but we want to clear our, like the wreckage of our past. So it's like, so you make amends when you're not doing that behavior anymore. It's not just so it's like, I've done this and dah, dah, dah, dah.

And also how can I make it right? Is there any way I can make it right? And if there's a way to make it right or not, and sometimes it's just time, it's a living amends. It's just like, don't fucking get loaded again. Like, don't fuck me up again. You know what I mean? It's like, I've seen friends die. I've seen, we do it for us. And it's hard when people don't accept your amends. I've had people not accept it. And I've had to just like live with that and go, well, I tried and I'm a different person and I'm sorry that they can't, you know what I mean? And now that you've been sober for so long, do you think that they would accept it again? It's they won't

accept. One was I was seven years and they said they wouldn't even respond. You almost have to look at it like, though, that's hurting them, not you. Well, yeah, I mean, I'm mad at X's. And who's that hurting? It's hurting me. I mean, the other thing that I've realized is a lot of addicts are you can get tested for this. It's called the mutation in the MTHFR, motherfucker mutation. And you can get tested. And basically what happens is we have a mutation in the gene that creates the enzyme that breaks down folate and folic acid from green vegetables into L-methylfolate, which is the building block of dopamine and serotonin. So we're born not having enough dopamine and serotonin.

So we're born with this brain that's craving dopamine and serotonin all the time, specifically dopamine. So of course we want, so then when we find drugs, the problem with drugs is that it shoots your fucking dopamine so fucking high and then you come crashing down. And also when you have so much dopamine, like when you're shooting coke like I was or smoking meth like I was or whatever, like basically your brain goes, whoa, like way too much dopamine and starts to shut down dopamine receptors and all that kind of stuff. And so you can get tested for it. And of course, I've totally have this mutation, which is like not a surprise because I felt weird before. That is such a good tip. People need to talk about that. Yeah, I do. I've written about

it and you can take a supplement. I take an L-methylfolate supplement. It hasn't fixed it, but once we can see it on a scan, like an X-ray or whatever, people won't be like, she's just a weak person. And it's willpower. It's like, no one wants to end up a fucking under a bridge shooting dope and losing everything. Nobody. That's not the intention going into it. Yeah, never. And it's like, people are like, well, you knew you were, it's like, I can't describe to you, like when you have addiction, when you, it's like a vacuum opens up inside of you and you can't stop.

It's really kind of terrifying. And then it happened with me with sex addiction too, which I talk about in the book as a woman. Like I just, and it happens to me with kind of anything that's addictive. Like I just quit dueling. I'm like smoking related illness is the number one cause of death in people in recovery. And I was like, I'm not good. I didn't get fucking sober to fucking die of like the jewel. Like, sorry. Wow. I didn't know that. Yeah. So I was like, I quit jeweling and I fucking, it was the gnarliest. We have some people in recovery

and I noticed that there's like, there is a lot of smoking, a lot of cigarette use. I used to be a smoker when I was younger and it's like, it's obviously tough, but why like there's so many things like no alcohol, no substance, but like smoking is okay and not to like put anyone in a corner say it's not but like it's you see a lot of of course drug addicts or because they're fucking still searching for the fucking dopamine so where they're getting it from they're getting it from fucking other people but recovery doesn't say no to smoking oh unless you're a nicotine anonymous who wants to go to nicotine anonymous i had a friend who said if you fucking relapse on the jewel i'm going to take you to nicotine anonymous and i was like fuck that

you know i used to make fun of nic I'm going to take you to Nicotine Anonymous. And I was like, fuck that. I used to make fun of Nicotine Anonymous. And then I tried to quit fucking vaping and I wanted to blow my head off. Was there any tip or trick that helped you quit? Or was it just willpower? Again, it wasn't willpower. I put it out there publicly and I wrote an article about it. And so I felt accountable.

And then I also inspired other people to quit. And so then you can't be like. You're like, fuck. Yeah. So then I was like, I got a jewel. Like even yesterday, I was like, fuck this. I got a jewel. And I was like, I can't.

I can't. So it's like you helping other people helped you. Yeah. And I just had made it fucking. Everyone's like, you can do it. I got a lot of support of people just going. it gets better. It gets better. It gets better. Cause the first month you just really want to blow everyone's head off and yourself. You're just like, holy fuck, your brain's all fucked up. I was smoking. I was doing four Juul pods a day.

That's like 80 cigarettes. It's a shitload. Yeah. Yeah. And so I was having chest pains and I was like, what am I fucking doing? And then I was like getting the empty cartridges out of the fucking garbage and being like, one last hit. And I was like, wow, is this familiar? Like, really? Like, how embarrassing. Like, I was like, it's over, bitch. It's over. You put a bead up your nose.

No more beads. You fucked up. You have a kid. You know, I just was like, it's over, son. It's done. It is over. So going back. I want to go back to the story.

Okay. So you try speed for the second time. Sorry. And it clicks. And it clicks. going back I want to go back to her story so you try speed for the second time sorry and it clicks and it clicks and then I'm using every day

but I think I'm experimenting and just speed or you're doing like whatever comes your way yeah no I'm drinking a little bit but that's it but it's mostly speed

mostly speed because mostly if you're a tweaker like you don't fuck up your fucking your meth high with anything else and how long do these

like benders last like is it like days days okay the longest I ever stayed up was 17 days holy shit oh my god with not even like i've never even heard that how did you do that i don't remember that and i wrote a new bible based on wait 17 days i don't remember you saying i wrote a new bible based on emerson and nichi and i thought i had the mathematical

equation for god so i was like on the edge of like a psychotic break. And now I have epilepsy. I don't remember that part in the book, but you have it from the 17 days. I have it from Crystal Matthews. There's no epilepsy in my family. I developed it in my 30s. I didn't have a head injury. And the guy was like, I was in France living in Paris. And he was like, they started doing a bunch of tests. I started having grand mal seizures out of the blue. It was like five years clean at the time because I've had time before and then relapsed. And they said, he goes, did you do a lot of drugs? And I was like, well, what do you mean? He's like, you do a lot of cocaine.

And I was like, I mean, fucking meth is made with like gun bluing and Drano. It's really gnarly shit. It's super bad for your brain. And so there are other people who have developed epilepsy. And so he goes, yes, this is from that. I have hyperactive lesions now in my frontal lobe, and I've been on medication for 15 years. But I've cracked my head open. I've lost my license twice.

I've had maybe, I don't know, 12 grand mal seizures or broken teeth. I had one outside swingers. That was a good time. Just like on the phone with my now ex-husband and just face planted. I don't have an aura or anything. Oh, shit. Okay. So you get addicted to speed and then you stay in San Francisco? No, my parents dragged me back. I get an infection in my face and I call my parents from a hotel and I'm living in like lower hate, which is- Why do those infections? Because I've always wondered this. Like what does it come from? Because it's dirty. That shit is

cut with so much dirty shit. And I got an infection and I called my parents and I was like, I have an infection in my face, in my nose, in my whole, and they'd given me moxicillin. I found out I was allergic to moxicillin. So it was just like elephant man shit. And they came up and they took me to the doctor

and the doctor looked up my nose and he goes, what are you putting up your nose? He knew. Yeah, yeah, of course. And I said, Afrin and speed occasionally. And he goes, yeah, this is from that. And if you do it again, it'll happen again. And my dad flipped out and he didn't know I was using, I hadn't told them.

And you don't expect your kid to become a hardcore drug addict in their 20s. You think that period's over. So they dragged me back to L.A. and then I just navigated the fucking speed scene here. And then the speed scene here. Well, this was years ago. I mean, what was it like years ago? Hold up, because I have to tell you what I'm wearing at this current moment. I am wearing Beta Brand's Dress Pant Yoga Pant. I have talked about these pants forever, but they're so, so relevant right now because we're all on Zoom and in Skype and we want to look cute, but we also want to be really, really comfortable. And I'm telling you guys, these pants, they are as comfortable as your pajamas.

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confidential him and her listeners can get 25% off your first order when you go to betabrand.com slash skinny. That's 25% off your first order for a limited time at betabrand.com slash skinny. Find out why women are buying five different pairs of these pants. I'm telling you guys, you got to check them out. You're going to go to betabrand.com slash skinny for 25% off. Enjoy. It's gross. It's fucking gnarly. I mean, it was skater punks and fucking like, it was like, like guys on Hollywood Boulevard were homeless. It was like all criminals. It was like, it was a lot of Mexican gang members. Like I was super out of my league. It wasn't, it's not like the cocaine crowd. Like in the fucking 90s, the meth crowd here is, unless you're a gay man, that's a different thing. If you're like a gay man, like it's very popular

among gay men, but that's a whole different scene. The straight meth scene is gnarly. What do you mean? It's just like... What do you think the reason for that is? Is it because it's a cheap drug? Is it because maybe the people that are inclined to take that are a different type of... What do you think separates the coke crowd from the meth crowd? Is it just pricing? Yeah, partly. And I think that if you're – meth is like you're considered bottom of the barrel. Like if you – in a hierarchy, if you're an IV drug user, you're bottom of the barrel. And if you're a meth head, you're bottom of the barrel.

Like everyone looks down on you. And I'm both. I'm like, yay. That's so interesting though that there's like a hierarchy of – It's a different crowd. It's just a different crowd. It's more – you, that there's like a hierarchy. It's a different crowd. It's just a different crowd. It's more you go dumpster diving. It's not like you doing like champagne and lines at the fucking Sky Bar or wherever is cool now with that catch or whatever the fuck, you know.

So I walked into a market. I mean, I was hanging out with like Mexican drug cartel guys and I didn't even know. And they were like, hey, you know anyone who wants to buy this? I'm like, I don't even know what that is. And he goes, oh, it's a gun silencer. And I was like, I'm so fucking out of my league. What did they want to do? They wanted me to know if I knew anyone who wanted to buy it.

Yeah. I was like, I don't know people who have guns. You're like, I'm here to do drugs. Yeah. I mean, so I walked into a market and i woke up in an ambulance and i'd had a seizure it was the first seizure i ever had and i went into rehab first of seven rehabs and who and what was the decision behind putting you in rehab was it you making that decision or somebody was like oh my parents have been pushing forever and how old were you

this time 24 24 okay you're still young so then I went into rehab and I got out and I stayed clean and I tried to drink at about a year. And I was in a blackout for three weeks. I was like, okay, I can't drink either. I was like, okay. So talk me through what it's like telling yourself in your head you can drink. So you get out of rehab. Do you start to think I could have a glass of champagne? I could have a glass of wine. Yeah, because you're like, I'm i'm a drug addict i'm not an alcoholic i really thought it would be different i thought it would be okay and i didn't realize there's a spectrum of addiction you know what i mean some people and i know some people because i have a podcast too about that i talk about addiction and i'm sorry it's called confidential also why i didn't come up with it it's called it's called

rehab confidential i love it also the stuff no one talks about i love it um There's a spectrum of addiction and there are people who can do opioids and then fucking get clean and fucking drink and do pot. And no one, people in AA fucking go bananas when you say that because absence is the holy grail. I can't do that. I've tried it all. I've tried opioids. I've tried smoking pot.

I can't even fucking vape. Like, I can't fuck people without like, you know, if they don't call me, I'm like fucking losing my shit. Like I, everything is addictive to me. So I'm way the fuck over here in terms of the spectrum. But I think that the idea that one size fits all in terms of recovery is just not true. So what's the other end of the spectrum? If this is like so addictive, what's the other end?

Not addictive? Addictive to some stuff. Like I have a friend and she can't drink, but she can smoke pot. She can do coke occasionally. And just when she drinks, she goes bananas. But she can do other shit once a year. No big deal. So you start drinking again.

You black out for three weeks. You honestly don't remember the three weeks? No, I remember bits of it. I want to, this is going to be like a curve.'re going to get it but i want to talk about sex addiction because there i think you see you want to know i want to know everything i think careful taylor's gonna pop a boner i want to know everything well because i think you see a lot of people like in the tabloids and they get in trouble and they're like oh shit oh shit i'm a sex addict and i wanted to i want to know like what real sex addiction is compared to people that are just saying it to maybe get out of trouble.

I think it's a nice PR move to get out of if you're... Like you got caught cheating. Yeah, of course. That's not... I mean, it could be, but I think it's a nice out. When you're a millionaire, a billionaire athlete with girls throwing themselves at you. Like, oh shit, got caught. Yeah, and you're fucking traveling all over

and you fuck some people and then you're like, I'm in for sex addiction. It's like sex addiction for me is just like drug addiction. It's used despite negative consequences. It's lack of choice. So it was like, I don't want to do this. Why am I doing this? And okay, I'm never going to do this again.

Here I am doing this again. Like almost outside your body, watching yourself do it. My sex addiction began when I was going through my criminal trial on my divorce and I had nothing. I'd lost everything. Just penniless at 42 years old. What was the criminal trial for? Not criminal trial. Yeah. I tried to stab my ex. Oh, yeah. You touched on that. Okay. And why he just like you were in an episode. It wasn't a good marriage and it got physical and I pulled a knife on him i was high on oxy and for loco because i'm classy like that and i pulled a knife and i was like i'll gut you like a fish you fat motherfucker

and he called the cops on me and i got arrested for felony domestic violence and that's how the book starts correct yeah it like i was like i'm gonna grab these bitches by the throat you grabbed me right by the throat i think it was like i was bored on a monday and i was like, I'm going to grab these bitches by the throat. You grabbed me right by the throat. I think it was like, I was bored on a Monday and I was like, oh shit. She'd stay up all night reading it. They're like, oh my God. I would wake up at like three in the morning. Do not give her any ideas about gutting me like a fish. I need to preserve myself.

I'm like, oh shit. Okay. So I went to jail. Eventually that whole marriage, I had a nervous breakdown again, because that seems to be one of my favorite things to do. No joke. It's, you know, I lost everything. I lost my everything. And I also had a felony charge.

And I'm like a nice Jewish girl. I'm like, what the fuck? I have a violent felony too. Like your background doesn't match up with where the story is. Not at all. My parents are like, what the fuck is happening now? Your dad must have been beside himself. They were not happy.

They were just like, what the fuck is happening now? They were not happy. They were just like, what's going on? And so I go through a divorce and all that shit. It got dropped to a misdemeanor. I'm given a year of domestic violence counseling and 204 hours of community labor while I'm in treatment. So, and I'm left, he pays my health insurance and gives me no money at all. So I'm 42 and I'm on Medi-Cal disability. And that's a big part of the book too, is like getting to live, having had money and then having no money. And you talk about in the book how you were doing community service and cleaning the streets and cleaning leaves up off the streets with huge criminals. And you just talked about, you sort of, you made me feel like you were very humbled by that experience.

Well, I showed up when I was like, I mean was like oh my god i was like oh my god these are criminals like what am i doing here i get my hair colored at cy hirschberger like you know what i mean like still totally entitled completely in denial whatever and it's like 40 fucking hispanic guys in hoodies and me and i'm like what, what the fuck am I doing here? And this one guy is like, he came up to me and he's like, what you here for what, huh? And I was like, I'm here for felony domestic violence with a deadly weapon. They're like, oh shit. You know, I was the only one. I was the one, I had more time than anyone else. I had the worst. I was one of the few violent offenders. And I was like, I'm the fucking criminal. Like these guys had DUIs. It was like nothing. So sweeping the streets was like as a clean team. We had to fucking broom. And everyone ignored us, except for like drunk homeless people who were like, good morning.

I know it sucks, but it beats the pen. And we're like, oh, thank you. You know what I mean? Like just anyone to pay attention to us. And other people like dumbasses are like, I love the environmentalism you're doing. Like, how do I become part of that? Oh, Jesus. Only in LA.

And I was like, right. Yeah. And I was like, oh, it's really easy, actually. Just go stab your husband. Yeah, right. It's not that hard to be part of the crew if you want to be part of the beautification team. And I remember just, I ran into someone I knew in AA. Broke anonymity.

Oh, my God. Because it is a secret society. It's skull and bones. Fuck it. You know what? I'm in AA. Like, hi. And I also support harm reduction.

And I also, like, I'm so over, I don't think it's, I think it's harming the sobriety community. I think we all need to come together and come out of the fucking closet. Yeah. That's interesting. Cause it's like, the whole thing with AA is secrets make you sick. Right. Let me tell you guys about one of the easiest things you can do in the most responsible way to make sure that you are going to live a long, prosperous, healthy life, or at least do whatever

you can to try and live a long, healthy, prosperous life. It's one of the easiest things we've done, and that is sign up for Ancestry Health and bring them on as a partner of this show. Lauren, take it away. Let the people know how easy this is. Okay. So what we did is we got our kits in the mail. You get two boxes, one for me, one for Michael, and then you take out this little tiny tube and you spit in it and you spit to a line. And then after you spit in it, you seal it up. It has like a seal and then you put it back in your box and you send it to Ancestry Health. And then they have the most advanced genetic testing technology. And then you get your results back

and you can learn if you're lower or higher risk for some commonly inherited conditions linked to breast cancer, colon cancer, and heart disease. Ancestry Health does this all. It lets you understand what those risks are and if they're passed down from one generation to the next. I just feel like preventative care is in. So obviously, we have

some really solid pathways to understand what we're at risk for. And that is our ancestors, our parents, the people that came before us. Many of us, though, aren't privy to what our ancestors and our parents' health conditions were and what they had. So we go through life in the dark, not knowing what to look for. With Ancestry Health, it does all that work for you. It lets you know what you're predisposed to, what you're at risk for, what you potentially need to watch for, which obviously helps you take better care of yourself and your children. We've had a lot of experts on here talking about breast cancer and women. So I think especially if you're a woman, this is a very important test to take.

Smarter health decisions start with Ancestry Health. Find out what your DNA says about genetic risk with ancestry health head to our url at ancestry.com slash skinny to get your ancestry health kit today that's ancestry.com slash skinny it's so easy guys takes a couple of seconds and you just get all the information to be preventative about your health with that let's get back to Amy. Huh. Well, part of the thing is they think that when AA started, they didn't have the manpower to handle all of the inquiries. So that was one of the reasons to remain anonymous at Press Radio and Film. Secondly, another thing is that if you say you're in AA and then you relapse, it makes it look like AA doesn't work.

And my thing is AA doesn't work for everybody. And relapse is part of recovery for a lot of people. And if you, my dad, my dad is just in remission from cancer. So if you know someone who has cancer and they go through chemotherapy and they still die, do you think that chemotherapy doesn't work? No, you fucking don't. You think it just didn't work in that case. So I think it's crazy to not talk about it. I don't know how it can be a thing of attraction when no one knows you're

fucking in it. So I just, I think it's, I think it's outdated. Well, I think then other people that are maybe outside of it don't know how to deal with people that are, so I think conversations like this are helpful. I mean, we've had a bunch of them on the show because i think there's there's people that are in recovery and then there's people that are outside of it and family members or friends love and they a lot of people don't know how to deal with someone in recovery and it's because they don't have the information they're not part of it they're like okay what the fuck do i do well i can go to alan on but i mean i just also just think but that's after you get involved in the program but like if you're just an everyday person you have a friend going through something you're

like oh like like you said like hey you're weak-minded get it together so you may not understand all of the balances or all the other issues. Yeah. I mean, I just, I don't know. I'm just not, I've always been open about everything. And I got shit for that too. I got a lot of Greek for. But you need people like you speaking out to make change.

Well, I also, someone was like, wow, you seem cool. And you're in AA. Maybe I'll check it out. Maybe it's not some weird Christian cult. Okay. Like you're a Jew you're in AA. Maybe I'll check it out. Maybe it's not some weird Christian cult. Okay, like you're a Jew. Like, let's, let me check it out. Like, I don't also, I think you can take what works for you and leave the rest. I'm not a hardcore person about that.

Like I said, if you take Suboxone and that works for you, fucking awesome. If you, you know what I mean? I'm down with whatever. If you get fucking sober doing yoga with llamas, like, yay. Like, who gives a shit? We're all trying to go to the same place. Kristen Johnson from 30 Rock. Oh, yeah.

She was just on our podcast. She was? She and I are like the same person. I know. Okay. I just read her book, too. I'd like, can you tell I have like a thing with- Yeah, I can.

Fucking hi. I'm addicted to reading addiction memoirs. There are worse things. But she says in her book, she says someone told her if pushing a peanut up a hill with your nose keeps you sober, then you push a peanut up a hill. Like she says that you

have to do whatever works for you and sometimes it's not AA. I thought that was cool. It's like what you just said. It's not one shoe fits all. Well, yeah. I mean, I think there are people who are like, it's AA or like you're not really sober. And it's like, really? Does AA own recovery? Like AA worked for me, but I'm also involved in other things that aren't AA based and I support all kind of stuff. And there's stuff about AA I don't like. So when you were in AA, you were struggling with sex addiction, right right like when you were actually working the program

yeah so how does that work so um does it does and does to clarify like does sex addiction like so you're addicted for drugs but then it like does it like does the addiction move from one thing yes in your case but it's not everyone's like it's cross addiction it's not cross

addiction it's addiction just transfers to whatever no it's not a transfer it It's addiction. It just transfers to whatever. No, it's not a transfer. It's you've taken away your drug of choice and your brain is going, I want dopamine. So where do we get dopamine? Attention, sex, sugar, nicotine, shopping, gambling. It's not cross addiction. In my mind, it's all addiction.

It's all the same fucking thing. And we're just we just closed off that avenue. And so my brain's like, well, where else can we get dopamine? So then I was just like, I was like 42 going on Tinder. And it was just like fucking shooting fish in a barrel was gnarly. And it was just too easy. I was living in sober living. And I just had to get the fuck out of my body. I just could. I was in so much living and I just had to get the fuck out of my body. I just could, I was in so much pain.

I was so scared about the future. I was smoking and vaping and wearing a fucking nicotine patch. I'd smack it and then fucking, I mean, I was just such a lunatic and I wanted validation. I wanted to know I was still lovable. I was still hot.

I was still this, I was still that. And I also wanted to get the fuck out of my body and get and so I started having sleeping with people that I met online and it was always like one night stands I had some that were kind of my friends and I talk about it in the book and I always would cry leaving and like so you didn't it's not like you fell in love with one or two people it's like you were were just. Well, I would get attached. Well, I'm a woman. So if someone puts their fucking dick in me, I'm going to become attached to you. Even if I don't even like you, my body is like, yay, we like this person.

They're inside our body. Like for me, that's my experience. I bond to people. So then I would like be bonded to this person. And I didn't want to be bonded to that person because they didn't want anything to accept to fuck me. So then I would fuck someone else to break that bond and then i have to fuck someone else to break that bond and it was this horrible change yeah that's a very self-aware yeah that's what that's

what i think the difference of your memoir is it's very self-aware but that's made it harder that made it harder because i knew exactly what the fuck i was doing and i couldn't stop myself but that's that's a distinguished i mean listen like not to be sexist, but that is like, I mean, we have this him and her aspect. I have young sisters now, I have a daughter and like, it is true as a man, like you can put your dick in something and actually not be attached to it at all. Like it is, it's not a mean thing. It's just a biological thing.

Of course. We can, we evolved to mate and like you can do that without emotional connection. And not to say that women can't do that, but women can, some can, but I do think that I don't think most, I think we're wired because we can get pregnant and we have to have a baby. And so it's like,

we need a provider is going to show up. That's just the evolutionary shit. And some people like they're sex positive and feminist. And it's like, if you could fuck people and not have them call you again and not give a shit power to you, I can't do that. If I don't, if they don't text me, I cry.

Yeah, it's fucked up. I think about my relationships before Lauren. Your relationships? Is that what you call them? Your relationships? You mean you stuck your dick in someone? But I think about it and I feel bad sometimes because I went into it with the mindset of like, this is just fun. Do you feel bad?

No, no, I actually do. That's not self-aware. No, no, I actually do. Because I'm like, there was no. That's not self-aware. No, no, I do actually in some cases. There's like no emotional connection with a lot of my previous relations. But I mean, Lauren and I have been together for so long. But there was with Lauren. But I think like that's, it's not necessarily like I was trying to be unfair.

It's just like there wasn't the emotional connection. It was just I was having fun. And I think a lot of men do that. And like when I talk to women, I'm like, you got to understand. Like it's just like. But that's why for women you've got like now like I've been celibate for three years I mean

By choice or? Yeah well I mean See I haven't read that part because I haven't read the next book so I'm waiting for this one I'm waiting patiently I need a new book. Well I need a donor so why don't you sponsor it? Like I need to get off my ass and do it. I mean a lot happened so I basically what happened after the first book there was the happy ending well that person's gone

that person left and broke my heart and so i love that happy ending i know everyone did and everyone so everyone who reads a book is like i loved it and i love are you still with dad and i'm like oh my fucking heart just like so i really got my heart broken i was really open and i really got my heart broken and i kind of just you know shut down also my father got cancer also my mother broke her hip and got dementia and had a heart attack and a pulmonary embolism and ended up in a in a home and but look what you've stayed sober for. Yeah, seven and a half years. That's gnarly. But my whole life fucking fell apart. Like literally, like I thought I was going to like

have a Tesla and a mansion and I was going to be, and like people put me on a pedestal, but like literally I'm like eating chili out of a can, like fucking in my like one bedroom with Colonel Puff Puff, my cat. And people are like, you're such an inspiration. I'm like, am I really, bitch? I think you are.

And I think that maybe all of this is happening to you for a reason to help more people with your next book. Well, someone said to me, they just said, I gotta know about being sober in your 40s. And I was like, that's the next book. There's a huge developmental delay. I spent 25 years in rehabs and fucking psych wards and people taking care of me. My parents taking care of me and then my ex. And people taking care of me. My parents taking care of me. And then my ex-husband taking care of me. And then all of a sudden I'm dropped on my ass in my 40s with nothing.

And I don't know how to do taxes. And I don't know when you put oil in a car. And I don't know how to be self-sufficient. And I don't know how to do a budget. And I can't cook. Except dope. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I don't know how to fucking do anything.

Like, I showed up at Jiffy Lube. They're like, hey, so when was the last time you put oil in this car? And I was like, seven years ago? They were like, oh, my God. I'm like, but I can make a crack pipe, crack bong out of a Mountain Dew bottle with straw and gum. And they were like, please just sit in the living room. Please just sit in the waiting room.

Let me make you feel better a little bit. I guarantee my wife has no idea what you're talking about with oil in the car. The whole time you're talking, I'm like, I don't really know how to budget. No, I don't know any of that shit either. And it's like, I mean, my friend helped me with taxes. But it's like, it's a weird thing where I'm 50 now. 50. You do not look 50.

Thank you. You do not look 50. Thank you. That's gnarly. You do not look 50 at all. I know. That's a fucking gift. That's like my pact with the devil. The devil's like, I'm going to give you epilepsy and you. That's gnarly. You do not look 50 at all. I know. That's a fucking gift. That's like my pact with the devil.

The devil's like, I'm going to give you epilepsy and you're going to keep your teeth, but I won't. Oh, your hair looks great. I'm weirdly well-preserved. You look great. What is the difference between a psych ward and rehab? Are you serious? Yeah, I'm serious. Because how are we supposed to know?

I've never been to either. A rehab is a rehab center where you check in voluntarily for drug problems or dual diagnosis, like you're bipolar and you're like shooting crack because you can shoot crack or whatever. Psych ward is a psychiatric hospital where you're usually put against your will, held on a 72-hour hold against your will, held on a 72 hour hold against your will with people who think they're Thomas Jefferson or the fucking moon is controlling their fucking dick. Is there anyone, though, that doesn't think like that? That's like more normal that's in there against. Yes. Yes. So it's not every it's not read it in the book. I mean,

there were some people that were there. One girl was in there just to change meds. And there was another girl who they thought had tried to kill herself and she hadn't really. But there's also a lot of people who are really very, very mentally ill. And I think it's odd that you take someone who's depressed or tries to kill themselves and put them in the psych ward because the psych ward's fucking depressing. It's so depressing. What would be the alternative? Like for people that don't know, like, okay, someone tries to do that. Like do you put those you have to you have i mean if someone tries to kill themselves you have to sort of

commit them because to protect themselves from from themselves you know what i mean i mean it's just but it doesn't necessarily like i don't think it's yeah but yeah, but it's not, it's not. You get out, you're 72 hours and you get the fuck out and then you can kill yourself. And then you're like, shit, I was just in a psych ward and that was even more depressing. Yeah. And then you're,

you know, and people are totally freaked out. And it's like, I mean, everyone who's in meetings and in 12 step meetings has all been in the fucking psych ward. That's what I love about that community. It's like no judgment. No,

I mean, yeah, you're like, I had a restraining order. They're like me too. You know what I mean? Like I shot coke in my neck. They's like no judgment. No, I mean, yeah, you're like, they're at a restraining order. They're like me too. You know what I mean? Like I shot coke in my neck. They're like me too.

Like it's like all everyone gets it worse. And we're in the real world. People like, ew. Why do you, why do people start like, so when you get into addiction, like why is,

why do you start finding different body parts to shoot into? Is it because you just like exhaust the, yeah, you blow out the vein. So you just have to find any vein that will still receive.

Yeah, you blow out the vein. Yeah. Did you have the epiphany that you were a sex addict in the book you talk about this horrific transparent scene where you're talking to your sponsor it was such a hard scene to write that i can't even tell you that was i think that's why i've never been fucking well the people that are interested in me are not some people I'm interested in. Also, I just, I really think that coming out as a female sex addict, a female intravenous drug addict, someone who's been in the psych ward. But also grew up in Beverly Hills and looks the way you look. So it's like. I think I'm also a lot.

I'm a big personality. I'm strong. I have a lot of masculinity. It's going to take someone who's got a lot of fucking. And I think I think I'm low maintenance and I'm high maintenance. That's what another ex-boyfriend. Well, you guys have a lot of masculine it's gonna take someone who's got a lot of fucking and i think i think i'm low maintenance and i'm high maintenance that's what another ex-boyfriend well you guys have a lot in common is the sponsor though the place where you thought okay this is a problem like is that where you had an epiphany no i had i knew you knew oh god yeah but for some reason in the book that was a turn in that scene like you you that scene was so hard to write i just

was like and i remember right before the book came out this is their talk they're talking about uh where i hit my bottom in my sex addiction and it's a very very very graphic mortifying scene and i just was like i don't want to fucking write this and i just thought there is somebody out there who will identify and go fuck me i felt the same way i've been in same situation. I did something I didn't want to do sexually. And I felt ashamed of it. Like, I'm like, just a lot of people. Yeah, everyone can identify with that. It's the feelings of just like, oh, I just did something I didn't want to do. And I feel gross. Like, why didn't I say no? What? Because they'd be mad at me. Like, everyone's been there. I already knew. And I just, I didn't go I went to SLAW. I went to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. I went to SAA and it just didn't really click for me.

And so, again, it's the same steps. And so I also think that for that point, it was sort of a coping mechanism that I needed. And then I fell in love. So then I got into my love addiction and then he left. And then I was kind of like left with nothing. So then I'm looking at that stuff now. I'm working with a relationship coach in Paris and it's really painful shit. Sex addiction and love addiction

comes from childhood trauma. It comes from it's much more painful for me than my drug addiction was. It's am I lovable? If there's something wrong with me, are you going to leave a fear of abandonment? You know, emotionally unavailable parent Are you going to leave a fear of abandonment? You know, emotionally unavailable parent. Like it goes to childhood stuff. So it's super, super fucking painful stuff. But I know that if I don't deal with it, I'm not going to move forward.

Like I want to get married again. Like I want to be in a relationship again. You know? Do you have any friends? Yeah. Come on, man. Yeah. I have friends.

You do? Yeah. Let me think. I think also being 50 is weird. Like I went on Hinge and it's like. Yeah. I have friends. I have friends. You do? Yeah. Let me think. I think also being 50 is weird. Like I went on Hinge and it's like. I got mostly older friends. Oh, good. Yeah.

Well, don't go too old. Yeah. No, but I mean. No, I think like a nice like 40, 45 year old guy. That would be great. Yeah. You don't want some old bat. No.

Well, I'm also like weirdly immature. Hi. Yeah. So what is it like to be in rehab and have relationships in rehab do they allow that no they don't totally can get kicked out for that no don't you remember the scene where i got pulled upside for making out with that young 24 year old kid and i got grabbed by my hoodie and dragged outside and he's like are you a fucking predator and i was like i think they call it cougar and i lost

my fucking phone privilege and the other time when i snuck out over the gate to meet that british comic yes and he was totally coked out i think that's someone that people know too but you can't say i know but no i don't think it's not who you think oh he's been super a billion zillion years okay i thought it was someone that i was like googling i have british comic i have i have done speaking gigs with who you think okay famous one but that wasn't who this person was okay he's tall the guy this guy was short remember he got out and i was like he's kind of short i don't remember the short part but i was googling british comment no he showed up well i'll tell you after who everyone is if you want to know like who all the famous people in the book i know i was trying to google who it was when you read a book like that do people do people know you're doing it they're people

from like that are are they like oh shit like they reach now like hey don't put me in that fucking book um i had to get okays from certain people certain people we just i went this this book was thoroughly legally vetted so we had to change, like the night of the incident, there's much more to it than that. I had to pull out a lot of stuff to protect me and the publisher from lawsuits. And then like also

with certain people, we disguised their identity so that we wouldn't get sued. And other people, I had to send them the part of the book about them and be like, are you okay with this?

But if it's anonymous, why does it matter? But you know what's interesting it doesn't know because it's not what do you mean because i just changed their name it was exactly who they fucking were oh but privacy's gone now in this in moving 2020 and beyond like if you do something like it's gonna come out like it's not the days of the past like it's out there people need to know about it but that's why it's so people google you know your truth. You know, people Google my age, who my ex is, who my dad is, what my net worth is. My net worth is supposed to be $1.5 million. Turn My Fair Junkie into a movie or a TV show.

It's already a pilot. We're shopping it right now. See, okay. Well, don't laugh too hard. I know. So next time you guys will have to be like, I'll be like, I'll be. See, okay. Well, don't laugh too hard. I know. So next time you guys will have to be like, I'll be like, I'll be like, I'll be like, the skinny confidential is coming.

I'm like, they're like, this is Stacy, Amy's assistant. I'm sorry. She doesn't have any availability. She's shooting her book. Yeah, you, I can totally see this. Oh my God. It would be the best. It'd be so fucking funny. It's a great name.

There's scenes in there that are just, you're like, did this, is i thought half the book i was like there's no way because you read so many memoirs and you feel like they're not being 100 honest you can feel it as the reader really yes which is why scar tissue i felt like he was pretty honest like it was it was real i hear it's pretty fucking good it's good it's good and you And you could tell that he was very involved in every single page. You know what I mean? Sometimes- Well, I wrote that thing by myself. I was involved.

I wrote it. Involved in every page. Like, I fucking wrote it. I don't know if he wrote his. I mean, like- He wrote it with someone. That's fine. Hey, I can't fucking sing or play a guitar.

Yeah, that's true. Everyone thinks being a writer, like writing a book is easy. It's not fucking easy at all. That's why you're like, write the thinking one. And I'm like, I'm trying. No, I need to. Yeah, that's true. Everyone thinks being a writer, like writing a book is easy. It's not fucking easy at all. That's why you're like, write the thinking one. And I'm like, I'm trying. No, I need to. It's been three years. Everyone wants it.

And everyone wants to know what the fuck happened. And everything, like a whole, like the universe was like, oh, you don't like responsibility? You don't want to grow up, honey? Here. I'm power of attorney over my mom. Both my parents get ill. The love of my life leaves me. Like a fucking whole new level of reality.

Yeah, but I also think that you have to really give yourself credit for dealing with it sober. But does that level of responsibility, does that entice you to potentially, and I don't like trigger anything, but to use or does that be like, okay. Oh, totally. Or it doesn't like motivate you like, okay,

I got responsibilities I got to take care of. of it just give you like more of a purpose or i guess it's kind of it's both yeah i want to escape and but it's like what am i gonna fucking really shoot coke at 50 like really a lot of people like you're not an inspiration and it's like i don't i can't let these people down like i gave them hope that they could fucking get it after years and years of trying and it it's like, I can't let them down. It would kill my dad. That's why I think having it not be anonymous is a good thing because it holds you accountable to other people that you're helping.

That didn't stop fucking DJ AM. Yeah, that's true. It was way too much pressure. And the guy ended up fucking overdosing and dying. That's the other thing. It's so much pressure. You're like on this pedestal. And it's like, hey, people go, when I write them back and I just go, oh, I'm so glad you enjoyed the book. Thank you, man. Like and they

go, oh, my God, you wrote me back. They like fangirl out. And like I'm like, I'm just a junkie that wrote a book. No, you're a success story. It's inspirational for them. But I'm just a fucking junkie that wrote a book. I don't. They're like, you're the nicest celebrity ever. I'm like, bitch, I'm not a celebrity. All my friends are like, they think you're, you're an asshole. Like, so it's weird. It's both the responsibility. Again, they took care of me for years, right? How many rehabs did they fucking put me in? How many times my mom fucking fly to fucking London when I slit my wrist with a box cutter after I drank a bottle of wine. Yeah, I mean, I owe them. When you did that, did you actually feel like

you wanted to die in that moment? Yeah. That one I would say yes. I mean, I was having a nerve breakdown. Who wants to date me? Don't let anyone listen to this fucking episode. Don't let anyone who's going to date me listen to this fucking... I got my shit together now. Don't send this as the tape to be like hey i

got this i got this amazing i got this girl i want you to check out like she has a really good body though don't don't take it from me take it from her i yeah i was i had gotten off prozac and i had been gotten my heart broken again and i was living in london and that weather alone will make you want to fucking slit your fucking throat high right i told you that i took her there for christmas and it was not i was yeah i couldn't get london's cool as fuck but the weather oh yeah if you're if you have anxiety or depression it's so gnarly yeah you're just like yeah i couldn't even open my eyes look how beautiful the christmas like, look how beautiful the Christmas lights are. She's like, well, I can't get out of bed until 4 p.m.

I know. So I basically, I got off Prozac because I thought that was keeping me from having an orgasm, which was totally not the case. Prozac's supposed to keep you from having an orgasm? Well, it can. For a lot of people, they don't like antidepressants because it keeps them from coming. Oh, I didn't know that. I learn something new every day. Okay, so go on.

But I'm that well that's not true no okay it was inside of me it was someone else so I needed someone who like knew

what the fuck they were doing oh got it got it you needed I needed to feel safe like a girl needs to feel safe

to come like comfortable too I mean so that's another thing see cause guys don't need to feel like they

yeah they'll just fucking fuck you and like leave and it's like I mean I understand that men have that but it's like that's why now I'm like I need to go slow like I tell someone they're like well I've got a fucking they're like hey good morning I woke up thinking about you I'm like oh that's so nice they're like no I woke up thinking about you I'm like and then they I'm like oh yeah we're fucking creeps yeah I'm like gross dude like you know yeah you when you guys send a penis picture, it's like, ugh. Oh, my God.

I have a lesbian friend, and she uses my talking pet to make it into a talking penis picture. That's amazing. And then, yeah. For the record, I don't send dick pics. And stuff. It's the fucking funniest thing ever. It's like, hey, you hungry? You like Wendy's?

You're going to like Wendy's nuts drag across your face and I'm just and I literally cry I want to do that I want someone to send me a dick pic and I want her to have it like make it talk and put a mustache on it and send it back to the person see I never send the dick pic ever I've never done it

no he doesn't send the dick pic there's no way to make that look good there's no angle we don't like want i don't like it doesn't there's no angle no we don't like want to see your throbbing dick with like your weird veins all like greasy all with coconut oil shiny and you think i'm gonna be like oh like i always think what these guys are thinking i'm like what did it like what like i think about like the asshole that's sitting there like okay that's the angle on snapchat i got this guy that was fucking a dildo

off the bathtub. It was like this huge dildo and he was fucking it up his ass and he sent it to me while he was beating his meat. And I messaged him back and I said, I've screenshotted this

and I'm going to make a collage on my blog. Like, I have so many dick pics in a file to make a collage. If you're going to send me a dick pic. They're doing that now that you're married and have a kid? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's so fucking disrespectful. Send me their address. Taylor, was that you? Taylor, was that you? That was Taylor. Yeah, but I don't know. I mean, that did work for me a couple of times when I was a sex addict.

The dick pic? Yeah, because I was like, oh, this guy's packing. Okay. Yeah, if they're not what if they send you like a mic girl do girls send vad shots to guys

yes I used to I have done that in the past I have done that in the past guys like that I've sent you some naked shots no but I think it's a completely different

I mean again this can sound sexist guys are visual though guys are visual it's a different thing when girls that could get a guy turned on

but like I just again I just think about the guy that's like how do I get this girl? Like, okay, I've never really met her. Yeah, it doesn't work. Okay, got the best idea.

I'm going to take a picture of my dick. Yeah. I'm going to get it. Like, God forbid. The weirdest thing is those people lead with that. That's what I'm saying. It's like, it's a weird,

you got to think about the guy that's leading with that. And Taylor has a razor burn issue. It's like just a public service announcement. No one wants to see your razor burnt dick with a vein throbbing out of it. So save it for another day. What girls get hooked by the dick pic lead in?

That's what we're saying. Taylor, you for sure sent so many nasty dick pics. Diane fucking Taylor. Send me some of those so I can make them sing. Taylor. Put a cowboy hat on them. Answer me truthfully on our friendship. Have you ever sent a dick pic?

Yes. Were you beating it? It depends? Yes. Were you dating it? It depends when. What were you dating the girl? Yes. See, that's different. I don't know. I don't send,

I don't go out like send rampant dick pics like email blast dick pics. No way. Yeah, that's a different, that's a different thing. That's like sexting. That's different.

Yeah, but you're not like, you can't just leave. That's okay if it's a relationship. So you haven't just sent a dick pic to a random girl? No, no, no. i absolutely never i would believe you no are you kidding i agree with michael too that the dick pick lighting thing isn't like a thing it's not like oh you just need to get that natural light it's just very difficult what are you gonna get a ring

light or like you're gonna like ring light someone should make diva lights for dicks because honestly it's so unflattering well that's what I'm saying it's not like with a filter for your dick even if that was just like chill out the veins a little bit

exactly oh that's shit dick tune fucking smooth it dick tune oh my god a million dollar idea and vag tune

where you just kind of like just like clean it all up a little bit if only we had more time to execute on these other businesses, but we just, we just don't, we don't have enough time today. I want to go back to when, and I know this is like a total twist, but I want to go back when you said that you took care of a quadriplegic. Okay.

What was that like? It was fucking life-changing. It was amazing. I was so fucking strung out at that point. But I needed a job. And this guy put an ad in for a video director seeking assistant. And I was like, oh, my God, like back to my Hollywood roots. Like, cool, you know. But like I don't sound like that at all. And that's my fucking voice of my inner fucking Jap, I guess. And so I showed up.

And it's like a loft in San Francisco. And I knock. And I'm showed up and it's like a loft in San Francisco and I knock and I'm like coming down from the day before and I'm like so fucking like, ugh, from like just tweaked out for days. And a guy, a quadriplegic in an electric wheelchair opens the door. And I was like, I never, I didn't have handicapped, other abled friends, whatever the fuck you're supposed to say. I don't even know.

And anyone who's going to give me shit, like I read it in San Francisco and people like freaked out. And it's like, have you ever bathed a fucking paraplegic? No. Have you ever put a fucking gloved finger up someone's ass to help them shit? No. Then don't fucking talk to me about the language because I've lived this. Have you done that? No. Shut the fuck up. You know what I mean? They got really weird about it. Yeah. And I was like, so he said, hi. And I said, I, I didn't know any handicapped people or other able, whatever the fuck it is. And I was just like, I tried not to show anything.

And he was like, come this way. And he was, and we were like, went through his thing. And he said, I said, I thought this was a video director assistant job. And he goes, it is. You're the personal assistant to me. And I was like, oh. And so there was this girl who worked in an AIDS hospice. And she goes, have you ever like worked in an AIDS hospice or worked with the elderly or worked with paralyzed people?

And I said, no. And he goes, have you ever dealt with shit? And I was like, I have a cat. I don't, you know what I mean? I was like, no. And he goes, well, I think you're really fucking funny. And I want you to try it. Like, I like your energy.

And like, if it's not right for you, you can not. And I was just like, again, it was the year of yes. So I was like, bitch, don't be a pussy. Let's do this. I was just like, again, it was the year of yes. So I was like, bitch, don't be a pussy. Let's do this. I was like, let's show up. And it turned out to be the most incredible job of my life. Truly. I bathed this man. He had a catheter. I did exercises with him. I dressed him. I made his I fed him. It changed the way that I saw disabled people. It changed, it made me see how fucking entitled I was. I was needed for the first time in my life.

Someone really needed me. Like if I didn't show up at eight in the morning, that guy was lying in his own cold piss. Like I had to show the fuck up. And I was strung the fuck out at the time. And I never was late. And I never missed a day. Gave you purpose.

It was. And also he was he had been fine and he'd been in a motorcycle accident and fucking. And it just made you feel like, you know, you're bitching about your life. Like you can walk, bitch, like you can walk. And it was just like, yeah. And I just it just became just his body and his personality was so fucking amazing. I mean, he was just like, you knocking boots. And I was like, not really.

He was like, you better get through it because you never know. You're going to be on the bike and someone's going to hit you. Boom. Then you can't. And I was like, oh, okay, I'll get right on it. And he like loved Jimi Hendrix. There was Jimi Hendrix posters all over his wall. He used to sing.

And it was like he was the most joyful fucking person. Do you still talk to him? No. Would you? you yeah of course i called him when i was in treatment for the second time you just had a falling out or just no well i came to work and he looked at me and he knew i was high. And he said, I really love you as my assistant. I've lost way too many friends to speed and I can't be around it. And so unless you need to quit, if you're going to stay with me. And I was sort of in the first sort of love affair. It was an early day as my love affair with meth. And I didn't deny it. And I just said, well, I'm not ready to stop. And he said, OK. And I think I called him a couple of years later from treatment. And I said, hi, I'm clean. And he was like, that's great.

He said, I said, I just wanted to tell you you're my favorite job. And he said, you're my favorite assistant. And I've never spoken to him since. I bet you he was really happy that you were sober. Yeah. He had also just done acid and ate some girl out. So I was like, all right. I mean, you know, he's, you know, it was San Francisco.

Yeah. I was like, I'm clinging. I'm in treatment. He goes, that's so great. I just did acid and ate some girl. And I was like, oh, okay. Like. I want to ask you something about.

Guy sounds like a fucking character. Yeah. He sounds like a character. He was wild. I want to ask you about COVID with AA. How about just COVID and depression? Oh my fucking God. I was talking to my sister about this.

She's in recovery. She's been eight years sober. That's amazing. Yeah, I'm really proud of her. And she said that it's hard because you're so used to going to the meetings and stuff and having interaction. And now it's like your home. Yes. What do you think that's used to going to the meetings and stuff and having interaction. And now it's like your home. Yes. What do you think that's going to do to the AA community?

Well, I know what it's done. So basically, and I've written articles about this, too. So basically, a big part of recovery, especially through 12 step and just in general, is connection. And and because when you again, we're going to talk about dopamine. When you're with other people and you don't feel less than and you feel connected, again, we're going to talk about dopamine, when you're with other people and you don't feel less than and you feel connected, your dopamine rises. So now a big thing that drug addicts and alcoholics do naturally is isolate, especially when we shouldn't. When we're depressed, we isolate, we shut down, we don't answer the phone, which is exactly what we shouldn't do. And now we're being told to isolate. So what we've seen is a huge increase in overdoses, a huge increase in

depression, a huge increase in suicides. I've just a lot of my friends have relapsed. A lot of friends have really been depressed. There's Zoom meetings, but it's not the same. It's not the fucking it's like the Brady Bunch, man. It's not the same. It's not the fucking same. It's like the Brady Bunch, man. It's not the same. It's like everyone's facing a box. You have no interaction. It's just not the fucking same. And I rehashed this quote all the time on the show. I said, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

And it's like, with this pandemic, I did this story the other day. And I was like, people are looking at it from the frame of reference. Like, oh, got to stop the spread. Got to stop the spread. And that's how we started. But they're not. And it started with probably good intentions to be safe and protect people, but they're not factoring in all these things.

Like what's happening to addicts? Like what's going on with the suicide rates? Like there's like, what's going on with people's business? Like all these things are restaurant owners. Like there's, you're, they're putting so much into the world right now. And they're like looking at this one stat of what happens if you get sick and get this illness and there's a 0.001% chance. And also if you have a preexisting condition that you go, but like, they're not looking at like what's happening to people in

addiction. What are happening to people that are seriously depressed? What's happening with suicide? Like nobody's bringing up those stats. I guarantee you this year, all of those things are skyrocketing. Oh, well, everyone's drinking. I mean, the amount of porn and every well, okay. Liquor stores are considered essential. So everyone's day drinking. So if you drink long enough, you're going to fucking create a physical addiction to alcohol. So I think that there's going to be a new wave of alcoholics. For me, it's been really hard. I've been extremely depressed. I want to see what happens with the numbers this year with all of these. I think you're looking, the people are looking at this one subset of numbers with COVID. They're not looking into

like what's happening in these communities. Rehabs are full. I mean, rehabs are full and there are some outside in-person meetings. But you know, you have to think a lot of people who are in recovery are going to have fucking other issues. They're going to have fucking hep C. They're going to have diabetes. They're going to have other stuff. You know what I mean? It's like, I've been really paranoid. You're the first people I've seen really. Yeah. I moved it once already. I pushed it paranoid. You're the first people I've seen really. Yeah, I moved it once already. I pushed it once. We're the first people you've seen.

Yeah. I mean, aside from my eyelash girl. Wait, so you said that you feel really depressed. Is it because you haven't seen anyone? Well, I work from home, first of all. So that's one thing. I live by myself. And yeah, I've been kind of quarantining. And so it's been really depressing. It's not how humans are supposed I live by myself. And yeah, I've been kind of quarantining. And so it's been really depressing.

It's not how humans are supposed to live. No. So I do a lot better when I have a partner. I do better when I have, even when my roommate was here and he went back to New York, even when he was here, I just did a lot better. Are you sure about that? Because honestly, sometimes it's so fucking annoying living with someone. Oh, I know.

I've lived with some. I've lived with people. I was married and I lived with my ex. there are pros of living alone. Of course. People go to me and they go, this guy's not a doctor. He's not an economist. He's not all these things. I'm like, yeah, but like, does that mean I'm not somebody that's able to ask the, like the questions that we're asking here, which is like, is this pandemic doing the policies we've put in place, which legal, not legal, that's up for debate. Like, are they actually helping? Are they hurting more?

And are they agitating other problems in a much bigger way? If we look at just the addiction community and we look at suicides and we look at people in recovery, what's happening with those numbers? I guarantee people look at it. Part of that's the isolation. Part of that is the financial strain. But it's all fabricated through all these things. Yeah, but I mean, there's been an upside too where it, now I can go to meetings in England.

Now I'm connected to people all over the fucking world. But how many are actually going into these meetings via Zoom compared to people that are just like, fuck it, I can't go, I'm not going? People go. People go. When there's other things that have popped up, like the Luckiest Club out of Laura McCowan's book. And I lead that. What's that? Do I need to read that? Yeah. I mean, yeah, you can read that. The Luckiest Club. Sure. Her book is called We Are the Luckiest. I think other pandemic pop-up support groups have

shown up and stuff like that. And I don't know. Some people have gotten sober during the pandemic. There's a good time to work on yourself. Like I just, I dove in. I was like, let's fucking deal with this, like attraction to fucking emotionally unavailable people. Like I can't. Yeah. I think my only people are like,

I haven't been in a relationship in 17 years. I'm like, challenge accepted. I'm like, I can't do that any fucking more. I can't do it anymore. Yeah. No, I think like there's, there's going to be good and bad stories, but I think like it's, it's important for people to not just look at one set of stats, right? Like you're like, okay, like people that are sick or how many are recovery.

But like, I think it's also important to say like, okay, like what's happening to suicide rates? What's happening with depression? What's happening? Like, I think we got to look at all the numbers, not just this one subset of. What do you do when you feel depressed like in quarantine what are your tools sleeping what is it what about do you do you call a sponsor do you yeah i have a sponsor i call my sponsor i've cried a lot i i need to write the second book i mean that will help me through it this is the perfect fucking time to do it i got nothing to do fucking do it how. This is the perfect fucking time to do it. I got nothing to do. Fucking do it. How did you do the first one? Did you do it an hour a day? No, but the first book was 20 years of the fucking making.

You know what I mean? It was like I had been I had been chronicling that stuff all while I lived it. All that dialogue is real. The pressure to write the second one, huh? Because also everyone loves the first one. And it's so gnarly. And it's like where I feel like I kind of blew my load. Like I have some crazy stories. But it's like but everyone's like we just want to hear

your voice like we just want to hear your voice and it's like it's not going to be the same book it's not going to be like all the crazy stories it's going to be different tell us about your podcast it's called recap confidential it's with joe schrank who started the fix the magazine the fix he's a uh clinical social worker and an interventionist and uh sober companion and i guess we have like we've done about three and a half months worth one a week via zoom so our sound sucks he's kind of a dick we've just sort of learned everything he's like let's start a podcast like okay and it was like i had no idea how fucking much work it was i was like a similar story i was like oh my god this is like having now he and i was like i had no idea how fucking much work it was i was like a similar story i was like oh my god this is like having now he and i have like this child together do you know what i mean

and there's a sound guy and there's a this and the website and the debt and i'm like oh my do we know right and i was like i was like holy fuck and then the booking and the this and the and it's like yeah so it's basically we talk to politicians. We talk to celebrities. We're having Colin Quinn on. We're talking. We talked to Kristen Johnson. We just talked to the principal of, did you see 16 and Recovering, the MTV show about the North Shore Recovery High School?

No. Oh, that's totally your world. Oh, my God. I got to watch it. It's a school for recovery or trying. It's on MTV? Yeah. It's called 16 and Recover trying. It's on MTV? Yeah, it's called 16 Recovering. We had the principal, Michelle Lipinski, on.

We had on Ryan O'Callaghan, who was the first NFL player to come out as gay and who had a fucking oxy problem. We had on just – we've had amazing guests. And we're also not like the AA, like, yay, and I got sober and my life was happily ever after with sparkles and unicorns. Yay, my higher power. Like we're talking the real shit and we're talking about how rehab doesn't work and we're talking about fucking body brokering

and we're talking about drug policy. We're having politicians on. We recorded an episode with Chris Swanger, the head and CEO of the Spirits Lobby, going, hey, man, like 8% of people can't fucking use your product safely. What are you gonna do about it? For a lot of people, it's sort of what they've been looking for. Like a real shit, the real shit. I don't understand why everyone, like you don't become like angelic when you get into recovery. Like, you can still be cool and a badass and, like, swear and, like, be curious about things and push back on things. Well, probably in a clearer way than you could if you were using.

Yeah, but a lot of people get into recovery and they feel like they've got to fucking follow this narrative of what it looks like. Even online. And religion's a big part of recovery. I mean, I don't know if you saw this morning. I was, like, totally nervous about coming on. I'm like, i don't know why these fuckers want me on but like it's a really big podcast you guys why don't people tell us that like i don't know i mean i feel like i would i always tell people my hits like if it's like it's be like if we were having a really long intimate dinner and just like i know but i was like why wouldn't we want you on you're so

interesting but my requirement to come on this podcast is don't be boring. That's the requirement. Let's all get married. What are you talking about? What do you mean why we would want you on? Do you want more stories? I want to bring them out. Please. Listen, we want to come back on. You wanted to ask some sex stuff.

Oh, well, no. I think my question was. Are we talking about squirting? We could talk about squirting. Taylor does. Taylor's beating off. No, I think my question was... Are we talking about squirting? We could talk about squirting. Listen, I love you guys. Taylor does. Taylor's beating off in the back. Taylor, you want to talk about squirting?

There's certain people... Is squirting a real thing? I've heard people say it's fake. Yes, I am a squirter. I became a squirter at fucking 42 years old. It's fucking... Is squirting piss or is it not piss? Like, that's the debate.

There is a debate. It's a mix of fluids, right? It's a mix of fluids. Okay, so I would prefer to think that it is not piss. It might have a little layer of piss. Yes, I think it has a tiny bit of piss in it.

My ex-boyfriend was like, I don't give a fuck what it is. It's fucking rad. It's different than piss. It's very clear and sweet. It is the sweet nectar. It's divine nectar.

Taylor loves it. Taylor's drinking it in his aqua. It's like the thing that feeds the hummingbirds. It happened to me out of the blue and I was like, what in the fuck's going on? I was like, how do I?

You can't do drugs, but you can squirt. So that sounds fun. Yeah. Well, not right now. I haven't squirted for anyone for three years. She's available. You're available. I know, but I don't want people who just want.

I know, right? What did you say? Old faithful. Fucking, you know, you've got to get like a special like thing for your bed it's like a whole deal like some guys when i was a squirter when i was a sex addict and some guys were kind of like you got to give people a heads up like not everyone wants to be waterboarded like get down there you know what i mean like you've got it's like a clown flower you're like it's so pretty you've got to give people a heads up what was the first time you

had an encounter with it so Taylor, calm down back there. He's like, tell me more. What's like a hidden talent? Like, did you just all of a sudden, you were just having intercourse? This is why I put like, normally like producers have the glasses. I put this way the fuck up.

I don't want to make any eye contact. Taylor wants to know all the history of how you started. Okay, so I didn't put this in the book because I wasn't out with it yet. But during my sex addiction, I dated this guy for about six months. And he was older than me. And he was really kind to me. And I felt really safe.

The first time I was with him, I came seven times and squirted. And I had never come with really anybody, like very rarely. And I was like, are you a wizard? Like what the fuck's going on? Like, and he was quite large too. I was like, you're fat. I was like, but my pussy was like, we like him. And I was like, what's going on? He knew what the fuck he was doing. He'd been super studly and I felt really safe with him. And he thought I was just like the hottest thing on the planet. And, but I was like, what's going on? He's like, you're squirting. And I was like, I don't want to do that all the time. And yeah, well, now. So I went to the gynecologist and I said, so this has started happening.

And how do I stop it? And she goes, one squirter, always squirter. And I was like, fuck. So people have made me do it in public. And it's not fun. What do you mean in public? What? Yeah, like you're at dinner and all of a sudden you're just squirting one guy i dated could do it just with eye contact no way the

polyamorous guy in the book yeah xander he would look at you he would just be like squirt for me you don't you can't do that to me talk about feeling inadequate it was fun so it was awful and also like so then all of a sudden you're just like like a bucket of water's going on the fucking concrete and you're like you look like you pissed your pants you're like i want to fucking die do i have to carry pants around with me it's fucking weird and have you ever slept with someone that blows their load in 30 seconds every time no okay hold on the premature ejaculation so you're telling me that you you she was a sex addict taylor and she has never encountered your problem no but i think a lot

of women have yeah it's i think it's it's something that's more or less not it's less noticeable you may like for instance if you ever no it's noticeable 30 seconds is noticeable yeah 30 seconds a minute i mean potato potato I mean I think you need I think you need to be in like therapy for that no I saw edgy edgy in health I no longer have an issue

with it what happens edging yeah no one knows what's edging I kind of heard of it there is very much I agree with you

like there probably is you try and come and then you almost come and then you stop see I know yeah you know I think there is probably therapy in his future if not tomorrow soon like i think like that would be well it's better than fucking someone losing your boner which has

happened to me and fucking killed my fucking soul hey but let me hold on but like but sometimes you're like oh my god i want to die sometimes that has nothing i cry i cry every time yeah that's not fun and then guys are like it's not about you. And I'm like, like, it's fucking terrible. But that's true. Sometimes it's not about the woman. It doesn't happen too often. Well, that's a whiskey dick is a thing. And it's definitely

has nothing to do with that. Just like you drink too much. You're like, oh, no. So you, it happens to you a lot. No, it's happened to every guy at some point in their life, like from just drinking a lot. Okay.

Well, anyway. Whatever makes you sleep at night. i i was celibate for two and a half years and i went and had coffee with someone that i was attracted to and i just was like you know i warned him i was just like hey like heads up like i haven't fucked anybody or even kissed anybody in two and a half years so like but i i was a squirter and like i don't so i don't know if like dust is gonna come out of my pussy or what's going to happen. Just like a heads up. And he was just like, why are you even telling me this?

For coffee? Yeah, of course. You know, when you go to like. So I was like, oh, cool. I'm still a sex addict, even though. That's a hell of an icebreaker. I know. Because I was like fucking trying to hook him.

Right. And I was like, also, I want to see if that was his kink or he was creeped out by it. And then I lunged at him at the parking lot and kissed him. And then I was like, I got to go. I got to go. Like, I feel something weird happening. Like, I got to go. And I got in my car and he got in the car and he reached over and he like touched the

zipper of my pants and I squirted all over the fucking car and I wanted to fucking die. So when you unleash it, it just unleashes. It's like I was like, I was like, he goes, oh, wow, you weren't joking. And I was like, how bad is it? And I showed him my ass. He goes, do you have extra genes? I have a friend that told me she can fill up a gallon of milk. I believe that.

Jesus Christ. It's like SeaWorld. There's like a splash zone. It's very weird. Taylor, have you ever had a splitter? Shamu's going to get in the splash zone. No, never, never. My ex was super into it.

He would drink that shit. He was totally into it. Because you know what? I'm sure there's guys listening right now that are into it. Well, you can't fake it. Yeah, I'm sure. How do you fake something like that? You can't fake it.

Well, they do in porn. They'll take like a thing that like, what is it? A fake squirter. An enema thing. Yeah. And they'll fucking put it. You guys are all beating off to fake squirters. You mean they're not real orgasms in porn?

What? My whole life's a lie. Anyway, I don't want all these creepies getting next. I think you're going to get a couple of creepies in your inbox. Sorry to tell you. So, yeah, let's let's let's change track. Yeah, well, no, I mean, look, I think there's a million angles we could go here. The thing I wanted to know about sex addiction was how to distinguish between like someone that actually has a real problem compared to people

that are just doing as a cop out i think you kind of answered it it's like well it feels yeah it's you fuck people you don't want to fuck you fuck when you don't want to it's affecting your life there are negative consequences you're not using protection because we all have those friends in life like oh my partner did this but like they're a sex addict or they're a porn addict it's like no they got caught and they're like trying to get the fuck out of it. I mean, you're not, it's not an enjoyable thing. I would come home and cry and it was like, it was awful. It was just, it felt exactly like my drug addiction, like driving, I would be shaking and like, it was like going to meet the dope man and stuff like that.

And then I would go home and I'd feel like fucking garbage. If someone is listening and they're struggling with sex addiction, because we've never had someone that has talked about this openly on the podcast or drug addiction what what are some steps that you would tell them to take and i know you can't give blanket advice because that's kind of like it's not i would say don't feel fucking ashamed about it like it's something it's a process addiction like gambling so anything that you can trigger like anything that gets you a flood of dopamine you can become addicted to shopping it's a process addiction so you know it for me it was about validation for me it was about escape it's usually not about sex it's usually about avoiding intimacy there's no

intimacy there you know what i mean and then so it's like it's exciting it's like it's like it's very on the dl and blah, blah, blah. And like, whatever. But it can become really dark. I would say to seek out help. I mean, you definitely need to seek out some help. Mine, I fell in love and it went away. And then, well, it didn't go away.

I just channeled it into like being like a super aggressive, horny person in my relationship where I was like, are you going to fuck me tonight or what? And he was like, oh my God. Like, well, that voice is hot. So, but then after that, I just completely shut down. So now I'm called with sexually anorexic, I guess, where you're not, it's not healthy. It's not, it's not recovery. It's me being shut down. It's me being afraid to act out my old behaviors. It's me being afraid to be hurt again. So now I just have shut down until

he finds my soulmate. Yeah, Michael, start looking. Yeah, Michael, come on. Look around. Michael, look around. I like tattoos. Michael does have some cute friends. Michael has some friends with tattoos. I got some friends. I want someone who's smart and funny. If someone has a strong personality, I'll be like, I can be that weird

girl. If you've got a lot of masculine energy, I'll go into my feminine. I'll be like, oh, my God. So I'm not always like, yeah, what's going on? You know, I'm not always like that. No, I want to find you a dude that's like they got it. I think that you would. I don't know you that well just today, but like, I think you need somebody that can match your energy and not be insecure if you were putting out that.

Like, I think a lot of guys that can't deal with a woman that has a little bit of masculine energy, like there's an issue there with that guy. Of course. Like I like – for me, like I like strong women. It's not that I don't want a woman. It's just like I also don't want someone that's going to be like doting over me or like not checking me if I get out of line. Yeah. I would walk all over that person.

I couldn't do it. I need someone like my wife that's going to be like, no, no, no, motherfucker. Like get it together. Yeah. And I mean i want someone who's not threatened i mean like i don't i don't think i'm successful but like so hard to find i don't know it's so i don't know especially in la like what is why i was born and raised here i mean i don't know i mean you're lucky you're married and it's like it's just yeah but he's from san diego that's why i want you to i want him to look around because he's from San Diego. It's a different energy. What's weird is young guys are really attracted to me.

And I'm kind of like, you know what I mean? You don't look 50. Well, yeah. And I act like I'm 13. So it's like. Taylor's like, Michael, do you know the tattoo artist? He's going to get a tattoo. I love that Taylor talks so openly about his fucking just like, like premature ejaculation.

Taylor has talked about fisting on this podcast. Wow. Premature ejaculation. You asked if you could cuss before you came on this podcast. He's talked about his problem. He's talked about how he stripped at my wedding. Listen, there's been some wild shit said on this show, but I would say like this might be some of the wildest, but it's not.

It's in line with some of the other things we've done here. Taylor has a wild thing. I think we, I mean, I'm not saying this stuff to brag or anything because it's not like some people are like ew gross like some people are like that's fucking gross fuck those people yeah taylor's obviously in the square and also by the way but it's like i can't help it it's a bodily thing like what do you fucking want me to do like it means that i'm super hot for you like it started on its own and i there's i don't know how to control it we got a review the other day and it said like, there's some cussing on this show. I can't believe it.

I was, I think I just think about that. Imagine that person tuning into this episode. You know, the Paplov's bell where he rang a bell, gave the dog a treat, rang the bell and then the dog started salivating. You're basically, you've been conditioned like that because now you don't get the treat, but you ring the bell and you start to squirt. He's right. Remember you said that you squirted when don't get what he's saying someone explain it in english the way he explains things is super he's saying she was conditioned in a way but then like you take

that conditioning away but he's right i don't even need to be fucked like someone can just like touch the fucking zipper of my jeans and i'll fucking i mean i get that i hear a vibrator and i'm like oh my god i need to have sex like you know like yeah like now like i'm like huh but it was like i mean i haven't squirted since that weird incident. Okay, we got to get you some coconut oil lube. I'm going to get your address. Oh my God. That's what I used to just use, coconut oil.

Okay, well, we got to get you some lube. We got to get you the new vibrator that just launched. Yeah, but when I was, when I used to have vibrators, then I couldn't come with anybody. Like, it makes you, it has the bar so high. Like... Yeah, but they're fun to use with somebody. Did you use that Hitachi wand,

that big thing? Yes. How did you know, you motherfucker? I like totally desensitized my pussy. People are like, do you have a callus on your pussy? I had that big fucking shoulder massager

when I was married. I just lay on that thing like fucking five times a day. And then like nobody can compare to that. So I stopped. Yeah, that thing's too much. Yeah. And then now I can come with people again.

That thing's meant for massaging. Because it desensitizes you. That thing is meant for massaging massive knots out of your back and neck. Maybe you won't like the woo vibrator. Nobody's using that to massage anything. The woo vibrator is like. I live in a building where my fucking friends can hear me on the phone. I don't want the woo vibrator. Nobody's using that to massage. The woo vibrator is like a building where every, my fucking friends can hear me on the phone.

I don't want to fucking be like, ah, okay. Okay. But we'll send you loop. Just like find someone, the guy has his own place. No,

I'm fucking right. I'm a rad girlfriend. I can't cook, but I'll do your fucking laundry. I'm a good fuck. I'm a very loving person. I'm super loyal. That's the clip.

We'll just put that. That's what I'll a very loving person. I'm super loyal. That's the clip I'll pull and I'll say, that's what I'll say now. Don't let them read the books. Somebody was using the Hitachi wand last night and blew the power out in LA. That's how big they are. That is not true, but that did, I mean, did you got, yeah, the wand for two minutes, all of West Hollywood. I was like, what's happening? Taylor knows two minutes too well. Okay,

so you can read her book. Oh, I'm having so much fun. You can come back anytime. Bob Forrest came back twice. You can come back anytime you want. Yeah, so you can read her book. Oh, I'm having so much fun. You can come back anytime. Bob Forrest came back twice. You can come back anytime you want. Yeah, but he's Bob Forrest. Yeah, but you're... No, we don't...

We love to have interesting, dynamic people on here. I don't care how many followers they have. I don't care how famous they are. If you're interesting and dynamic, like, you can come back anytime you want.

Like, message me. I literally live around the corner. Good. Great. Great. So if someone drops out, you'd be like hey you guys can be like amy get your fucking ass be careful be careful perfect might have to we'd have to kick some you honestly can come back anytime because i had obviously you guys because i'm getting michael's gonna find my boyfriend michael's gonna find your boyfriend i need to start writing my book no you're right but i also think you and michael need to talk offline about this is the fucking energy all the guests that come on the show need to bring amy like i'm pumped yeah you are welcome back open invitation anytime you want um well you guys are fucking lovely and you just made me laugh and just felt made me feel open and fucking safe

and i just think it's really important to talk about all this shit it's so important to talk about it because it takes the stigma out of course that's see that's what breaks stigma is being open about it and saying, hey, man, you know what? I fucking recovered. And now I'm like, I'm a little fucked up. But if someone comes around and is like, I like you and is like, let's work through your shit. And I'm seeing this coach like I'll work through it.

You know what I mean? You have to talk about it. I hope that we can continue to break barriers with this podcast and talk about things that people think are taboo. So anytime you want to come on, if you have, if you want to text me an ideas list, come back on anytime. Okay. Read her book, you guys, My Fair Junkie.

I got it off Amazon and I also have it on the book. Maybe we'll get like three candidates and there'll be another mic and we can have them come in and you can, we can maybe they can show their dick. You can we can all, we can interview them together. See who makes their score them together and i'm gonna make it i'm gonna make it sing and put sunglasses and mustache and whichever one makes sure before they do the dick pic that we get that app going to make the you know facetune for the dick and then we get the ring light for them right

dick tune yeah taylor trademark trademark dick what's your instagram handle and what's your website where can everyone find you? Amy Dresner. I'm Amy Dresner on Twitter, Instagram. You'll see this morning where I was like all like doing blowing out my Jufro. And I'm like, what's up with my puffy eyes? I'm like, look, I'm putting prescription hemorrhoid cream because I'm puffy. That works. Thank you.

Thank you. Fucking love you. It does work. It tightens the under eyes. Hemorrhoid cream. Yeah. Right? It works. Prescription.

You have prescription hemorrhoid cream, bitch? I don't have prescription. I got to get prescription. don't tell that to anyone either i'm on yeah amy dresner everywhere amy dresner's my website rehab confidential on instagram rehab confidential on twitter and your twitter's funny you're funny with my mic oh sorry sorry yeah if you're uh if you're in recovery i think or know someone or just want to learn more, my co-host is a total dick. I'm going to listen to your podcast.

He's a fucking dick. I want to listen. I can't wait. We're very different, but it's interesting. We laugh a lot. Well, you're a hoot. Come back anytime. Thank you, honey.

Thank you, Amy. That was fun. Let us know your favorite part of this episode with Amy on my latest Instagram, at the Skinny Confidential, and someone from the team will slide into your inbox and send you some new cheeky skinny confidential stickers. Make sure you've rated and reviewed the podcast and we'll see you next Tuesday.