The Skinny Confidential Him & Her Podcast - Nedra Tawwab Pt. 2 On How To Develop Healthy Boundaries With Family & Friends, Have Hard Conversations, & Live Guilt Free With Honesty & Integrity

Episode Date: November 4, 2021

#406: On today's episode we are joined by Nedra Glover Tawwab for a second time. Nedra is the author of the New York Times bestseller Set Boundaries, Find Peace. A licensed therapist and renowned relationship expert. Today Nedra joins the show to discuss how we can set healthy boundaries with family and friends. We also discuss how to live guilt free with honesty and integrity.  To connect with Nedra Glover Tawwab click HERE To connect with Lauryn Evarts click HERE To connect with Michael Bosstick click HERE Read More on The Skinny Confidential HERE For Detailed Show Notes visit TSCPODCAST.COM To Call the Him & Her Hotline call: 1-833-SKINNYS (754-6697) This episode is brought to you by Beekeeper's Naturals Beekeeper’s Naturals is on a mission to reinvent your medicine with clean, effective products that actually work. Bee propolis delivers natural germ-fighting properties and antioxidants to defend and protect our bodies. It’s sustainably sourced and this Spray is made with just three simple ingredients. You’ll never find refined sugars, dyes, or dirty chemicals in these products. Ever. We've worked out an exclusive deal for Skinny Confidential listeners. Receive 15% off your first order. Go to www.BEEKEEPERSNATURALS.com/SKINNY or use code SKINNY at checkout to claim this deal.  This episode is brought to you by Wealthfront No One is great at something the first time they try it. And if you’re unfamiliar with investing, getting started can be intimidating. Wealthfront does the work for you, so you can invest like an expert from the beginning. Wealthfront creates automated investment portfolios of diversified, low-cost index funds personalized for you. To open your account all you need is 3 minutes and $500 to invest. Right now you can visit www.wealthfront.com/skinny to get your first $5,000 managed for free.  Produced by Dear Media 

The following podcast is a Dear Media production. She's a lifestyle blogger extraordinaire. Fantastic. And he's a serial entrepreneur. A very smart cookie. And now Lauren Everts and Michael Bostic are bringing you along for the ride. Get ready for some major realness. Welcome to The Skinny Confidential, him and her.

Guilt is a part of the process. Many people fear setting boundaries because they will feel guilty. And guilt happens for two reasons. One, you did something or you think you did something. In most cases with boundaries, we think we're doing a bad thing. It probably isn't bad and we feel terrible about it. The feeling terrible part, you can ease your discomfort by practicing self-care, remembering that you are not hurting or harming anyone,

that you're trying to be safe and comfortable in your relationships and in particular in your relationship with this person. Boundaries. We are going to talk about boundaries. Why is it so hard to set boundaries? I talk about my issues in this episode with boundaries because I have a few. Michael seems to think that he has none, even though maybe he does, but I have some that I really need to work on. So I went to the best of the best. That is Nedra Tulbob. She has been on the Skinny Confidential Him and Her podcast before, episode 338, if you're very much interested in the subject of boundaries. But today, we're going even further. We're talking about lack of boundaries, guilt, relationship issues, and she's really going to dive in. She helps people create healthy relationships with themselves and others. I know when I was talking to her, I was really able to talk out things that were bothering me or weighing on me or making me

feel guilty. And she gave me tools, actual tools to practice. And so that was very, very helpful. She is all over Instagram where she shares practices, tools, and reflections for mental health and boundaries. And she's been on tons of podcasts, Lewis Howe's The School of Greatness, Therapy for Black Girls, and been featured in the New York Times. She knows her shit about healthy relationships and boundaries. On that note, let's welcome Nedra to the Skinny Confidential Him and Her podcast. This is the Skinny Confidential Him and Her podcast. This is the Skinny Confidential Him and Her. I am selfishly very happy that you're back and we're recording in person

because I have so many selfish questions that I hope will help the audience about boundaries. Other people probably have those same questions. So you're giving in your question asking. I hope so. I think that boundaries, especially for women, tend to be hard to set. And with COVID, I think that what this has caused everyone to do is really look at their life and be like, okay, what do I really want? What's not serving me? How do I cut this toxic relationship? Whatever, whatever. How can we continue that energy of cutting what's toxic after COVID? Remember that we have the courage to do it while in a pandemic. So sometimes

we think, I have such a problem setting boundaries. And really the problem is continuing to set the boundary. You did it when it was necessary and you can continue to do it. I think it is beautiful to be able to say, I'm not coming home for Christmas because we're in a pandemic and we can't, you know, we can't travel. But it's really courageous to continue to say that when we're not in a pandemic and you just don't want't travel. But it's really courageous to continue to say that when we're not in a pandemic and you just don't want to travel. I, after your episode,

decided that I was going to say I'm hosting Thanksgiving this year. This is the first year I've ever said that. First time. Normally we go from his family to my family to maybe sometimes a friend's house because it's like hitting all the places. But now we have a baby. And you know you have kids. To schlep them around, it's not really fair. So

this year I created that boundary and I did it with the tools that you gave us on the episode and it was effective. But you can still tell there's an energy there from the person that's uncomfortable. What do you do about that? Do you just feel like you're not responsible for it? Feel like you're not responsible for it. If anything comes up, address it and be direct. But I feel like something is off because typically you respond this way and this thing is happening. I think we get ourselves into a lot of trouble when we ignore passive aggressive behavior. Like someone is doing something, they're slamming your cabinet or something. It's like, hey, like what's going on? Do you have something you want to talk about? Is it about me making this change? But it's beautiful

in a partnership where you get to that place of determining what your holidays look like for your family so much of what we do on the holidays is based around our upbringing and what we always did and how we had seven days of Christmas or whatever those things were and it's amazing when you get to that space of creating what you want to happen with your daughter and your daughter will get to that space. You know, at some point she may say, hey mom, hey dad, I want to host. And hopefully this experience makes you more aware and receptive to her creating that boundary at some point. Maybe you'll encourage it, but this is your time to make it.

And some people won't be pleased, but they may get used to it. Let's stay on this for a second, family dynamics. I actually don't think we've ever really talked about the dynamic of couples that get into a marriage or even engagement, serious relationship that have to deal with the dynamics of in-laws. Because that's a dynamic and there's boundaries that I think many struggle with. Like we've had messages come into this show saying like, hey, I'm with this guy or this girl. And

like, how do I deal with this mother? I'm not getting along with the mother. I'm not getting along with the father. Like that's an interesting and dicey dynamic, right? Because you don't, I'll just take me, like maybe you don't want to get in between a mother and a son or a daughter and a father, but like that becomes very prominent at the forefront of conversation once you take a relationship to the next level. How do you deal with that? We have to shift our expectations. So often, particularly with mother-in-laws, there is this expectation that they'll become like this secondary mother. And perhaps the goal is for them to be your partner's parent. It's not for you to have the best relationship ever with your mother-in-law because that may not be possible with this person.

And you have to deal with the people in your life and not ideally what you would want to have. So there are some in-laws who can make things a bit uncomfortable. They have expectations of how they want your adulthood to go. They have expectations of how they want their holidays to go, how they want to grandparent, all of these things. And so what you're dealing with is your expectations versus theirs. And that may mean that everyone is not pleased and you have to fight for yourself. And of course, they're going to fight for themselves. And if it's your house and your holiday, you have a little more power than they do. So being aware that what you would like to happen in this situation

may not be the end result. Hopefully it could get there. But there are times where you don't like these people. And that's okay. I don't know if you have to like everyone. When people do, that's beautiful, but that's actually not the norm. What I hear about mostly is I don't like my in-laws.

I don't like my mother-in-law. And people are trying to force themselves to like people that they don't like my in-laws. I don't like my mother-in-law. And people are trying to force themselves to like people that they don't like. You're a mother of a five-year-old and a seven-year-old. How have your boundaries shifted since having children? Because I noticed for us, we're starting to realize, wait, we don't need to go to dinner with this person because we'd rather spend time at home.

Our priorities have shifted, obviously. wait, we don't need to go to dinner with this person because we'd rather spend time at home? Our priorities have shifted, obviously. How have you noticed that your own has shifted since you've had children? They've improved greatly. I think that kids taught me what to give my energy to. There were a lot of things that I was spending a lot of time on. And I'm like, I really don't have time for that anymore. And I have to be more strategic with how I do things, when I do them, which relationships I allow into my life. Because there are some things that will shift your energy and then you're cranky with your kid. And I don't want that either. And so I have to be very mindful of what I need in particular situations. And kids

certainly help you with that. And I will say, in being a therapist, I get to listen to adults talk about their childhoods. And it helps me to think about, oh, this is a thing I may want to address now because I don't want this to be an issue for them. Give us an example. Parents not listening. Parents not talking to their kids about sex. Mothers not talking to their daughters about starting their periods. Parents not talking to their kids about big things that happen in life, whether it's divorce, death of a grandparent. There are so many people who wanted conversations that they never had with

their parents. And so I may over talk a bit because I'm like, okay, so that thing that just happened, this is like, I am like sharing so much because I want you to say that you have the information. I don't want it to be a situation where you did not know anything about sex. There are ways to talk about it to a five and seven-year-old. It's funny. I was actually talking on a five and seven-year-old level, just explaining body parts. And I was talking to the five-year-old and my seven-year-old yelled from the other room, she's too young for that. And I said, are you? She was like, no,

I already know this stuff. Oh my God. Okay. And so the five-year-old, she didn't have the proper term. She's like the long thing, the this, the that. Is the long thing the penis?

Yes. I will never call a penis a penis again it's the long thing yes that's sometimes that's what i want you to refer to depending on who you're with it's the short thing yes but but so they have this understanding of what it is they just don't know that's amazing that's my new nickname on the long thing they don't have this understanding of what it is and so it's not that i the long thing. They don't have this understanding of what it is. And so it's not that I'm teaching them something they don't already know, but you know what a vagina is.

You may not know what the word is. It's like where I pee from, you know, like their understanding of it is different. But these are how we start conversations because you don't want them to learn from their peers who know nothing. Every single day when I wake up, I have a Be Smart brain fuel shot. You know this if you follow me on Instagram because I call it liquid Adderall. It is so amazing for clarity and focus and it's caffeine free. It's filled with royal jelly. And I went online and just Googled the shit out of royal jelly because I was like, what is giving me this energy? It is so crazy. And basically all these benefits came up. So apparently it enhances collagen production. It eases menstrual cramps and it improves your overall health and of course

gives you energy. And if you don't know much about royal jelly, it's amazing. It's produced by worker honeybees. Okay. It's super interesting if you want to go on and read about it. And it has antibacterial antioxidant and anti-inflammatory properties. I am all about the anti-inflammatories. Anyways, so what I do is I take these little shots. I have given them to everyone on my team. You shoot it. I like to like kind of swish it in my mouth. It tastes really good to me. I am a huge fan of Beekeeper's Naturals because I feel like they're updating our medicine cabinet, but they're using all natural ingredients to support the immune system. They even have like this propolis spray that you spray on your throat if you have a sore throat. There is a lot of power

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Yeah, that's very true. I remember my mom told me a little bit too late About shaving my legs and this sounds stupid But when you're little and you have hair on your legs and no one tells you like shave your legs So I remember going to school and the other girls shaved their legs and I wanted my mom I remember to have that conversation with me So now that i'm a mother I know that I want to have these conversations with her before they happen So the period conversation I don't want to wait till she's bleeding everywhere and be like, what the fuck is going on? I want her to be like, hey, mom, I just got my period.

So I think you're so right about having the conversations early. And your daughter will start to ask. And what happens is parents will shut them down. They'll say things like, why aren't your parents together? And we have an opportunity to really give them an answer that they can understand or to say. But adults are asking that? No, kids. Oh, kids. Kids are asking that. And so when they ask these questions, we have an opportunity to explain in a way that they can understand or to dismiss it, which teaches them that they can't really ask us questions about important things like sex and birth control, shaving their legs. And so they start to look to their peers or even other adults who may have a point of

view that's not very helpful for them, or it could be helpful. Who knows? But just having those conversations is something that I learned from listening to people talk about their experiences of not being told certain things. As a therapist, what is something that you see when you talk to adults that's common? For instance, is there a common trauma that you see besides what you already said about their parents not talking to them about stuff? A common trauma. Or maybe something that you see that's very common,

like even on your Instagram page, you have, I mean, such amazing engagement. Is there something that you see repeating itself over and over and over and over? Second guessing. What do you mean? Is it okay if I say it this way? Is it okay if I feel this? What do you think about me saying this to my sister? What do you think about me saying we do not trust ourselves? So it's like they want to say these things. They're determined to say these things, but they constantly question if they're allowed to say them. If they are allowed. And I freely give permission. You are permitted to tell someone that you don't want to come to their party. Access granted. Constantly. You can tell someone that you prefer if blank. And the things that they're asking about, it's so human just to say, I don't like this person. Do I have to keep talking to them? No, you don't.

I try in my life to never be a high-maintenance friend or family member. For instance, if someone says, hey, Lauren, I can't come to this event for you, no worries. Because I want to be granted the same grace if I can't do something. And sometimes it's not a two-way street. What does that conversation look like? You can only tend to your side of the street. Yeah. You can't go on the other, consider it a one-way. You can't go on the other side and clean up anything.

You can only manage what you can manage. And I think that people have, they have a right to be upset if they want to. That's not my hope. I hope that you can understand and accept my boundary. But if you're upset by it, that is based on who you are, your experiences, your preferences, and so many things that are outside of my control, but I still need to execute my boundary. Yeah, I think too with it's it's a weird job that we're in because you can sort of see the whole day on instagram story And people seem to think that five minutes on your instagram story is your whole day It's obviously not and so they think They think it looks on instagram story that you almost have more time than they're seeing does that make sense?

I'll give you an example. I posted a day on a Wednesday, a bunch of stories that I was doing all these different things. But there was a lot of other things going on behind the scenes. And a friend got mad at me that I didn't go to a dinner because she was watching my Instagram stories.

How do you set boundaries when it comes to social media? With friends, it doesn't go without being said that we have to let them know that, especially for you all, this is a job. Even social media is a job. So whatever I'm doing here, never, never take it personal. If I announce something here first, don't take it personal. I may have a contract that I couldn't announce it. I may have all sorts of things. This is not a space for our relationship. This is a space for me to work. And so a part of me connecting

with my community may be me posting seven things I'm doing throughout the day, but it doesn't mean that those are the only things that I did for that day. And I still have a right to say no if I laid in a bed all day and watched Law & Order. Yeah, I think that the bigger thing, and we talked about this before, and you've touched on this,

being okay with other people being upset, right? And I think so many people are, that's such like a crazy idea for them. Like, I'm going to piss off my mother-in-law. I'm going to piss off my friend. I'm going to let down my sister. People get so uncomfortable with the concept of like, hey, me protecting my boundaries is going to be upset and like almost too bad. I don't think you're saying too bad, but in a kind of way, you kind of are. Glennon Doyle has this quote that says, if it becomes a choice of disappointing someone or yourself, you have to pick someone else. I love that. She said, you got to disappoint the other person. You can't continue disappointing yourself.

But how do you avoid, let's say, your mother-in-law or your friend saying like, you know what, Nedra, Lauren, you guys are selfish. And not carrying that label and feeling guilty for carrying that label. Since we're talking about quotes, I saw this quote the other day that says, some people, and I'm paraphrasing here, some people will say I was mean. And some people will say I'm the kindest person they've ever met. Believe them both because I treat people accordingly. And so there are some situations where you might have to be selfish. And that might be true in that situation with that person. Does that mean that you're selfish overall? Does that mean that you're never considerate to people? Probably not. But in this situation, you had to choose yourself. Selfishness is only bad when someone is being harmed, taken advantage of, manipulated, or hurt in some way.

Typically, what we consider being selfish is never really any of those things. It's like, did you break someone's leg by saying no? No, you didn't do that. Nothing happened. You just said that this is not working for me right now. And no one understands your capacity but you. I loved what Simone Biles did where she, I'm taking some times. I love when people choose to take care of themselves

in spite of what they have going on because it's not what we typically see. We see celebrities performing to the point that they go to the hospital for dehydration. Something as simple as drinking water, they haven't done in days because our expectation is keep going, keep going, keep going.

And that's not fair. No one should perform at a level that demands them not taking care of themselves. And it's unfortunate that our expectation is people have to have a good reason to say no. As I stated earlier, them not taking care of themselves. And it's unfortunate that our expectation is people have to have a good reason to say no. As I stated earlier, my reason could be mental exhaustion. And if I need to recharge by chilling out today,

that is a beautiful reason for me to say no. And I don't have to explain that because this recharge may be necessary for me not to lose it later. And so I'm entitled to this no right now. I talked about earlier how I do my little shot of royal jelly. There's another thing that I do in the morning, and this is not overwhelming when it becomes like clockwork. I do a huge cup of water with ice and lemon. I mean, so many of us do this. Some people do it hot. becomes like clockwork. I do a huge cup of water with ice and lemon. I

mean, so many of us do this. Some people do it hot. I like it cold. And then I do a bunch of chlorophyll drops in my water. It has upgraded my water experience, okay? Chlorophyll has tons of benefits. It eliminates fungus in the body, detoxifies your blood, cleans out your intestines, gets rid of bad odors. And the ones that I use, I buy Saqqara. I love their beauty drops and their detox drops. It comes in a set. They're so cute. They're chic and they're filled with minerals and chlorophyll. Absolutely awesome. It's a wellness company rooted in the transformative power of plant-based food. They have these organic ready-to-eat meals that are made with powerful plant-rich ingredients and And everything, and I love this about them, and I've had the founders on the podcast,

is designed to boost your energy, improve your digestion, and get your skin glowing. They have a whole menu along with the drops. So they have these chef-created, crafted breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. I find that it is the best delivery service in the United States that I've tried. It's fresh. And like I said, they also have the wellness essentials. So if you are going to try their meals, I would highly recommend that you get those detox drops and the beauty drops. They're such an awesome way to start your day and to put that in your water. We all drink water. Hopefully when we wake up, I like to spice mine up. I do not like boring water. I like to sex it

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What's so crazy to me is that that Simone's story was such a big deal that she needed space. I mean, it shouldn't be a big deal that she needed to step back and take a minute. Well, I think it's because of the culture that we live in for the longest time, this hustle, hustle, hustle, hustle, give everything, give every part of yourself to whatever you're doing, your job. That's been put on a pedestal for so long. When someone takes a step back,

so they, Hey, I'm taking a break. People look at it as almost like it's a weakness, but I agree with you. It's a strength to say, Hey, in order for me to take care of myself,

perform later, you know, protect myself, I have to take a step back. But for so long, like we, as a society have looked at that as like a weakness, right?

It's a strength. It's a strength to be able to say that, I think. I'm realizing that more and more as I get older. The other day, I ran myself dry and I just said to everyone, I need a day. Yeah. And we wouldn't have done that in the past. I mean, we're fully guilty of just over committing and doing too much. We both look at it like if we keep doing this,

we are going to burn ourselves out in every area. As parents, you get tired and you get aggravated in a relationship, underperforming your job. We're like, hey, we're taking a step back, canceled a bunch of stuff, maybe disappointed some people, probably did. But honestly, if we didn't do that, we would have just fully burnt out. I would like to know what some things that you do as a therapist are that are successful. So I know there's like tapping and like all different kinds of tools and tactics. Is there anything that you've seen that really works? I really like narrative therapy where you allow people to share their stories and you help them consider some of the things that they're saying and if

those things are still true. Because so much of what we say is connected to things we no longer need to be saying. Before you came in here, I said, oh, I was just on social media and I was responding to something where someone sent me a message saying, I second-guessed myself and explained myself so much because when I was a kid, my mother demanded that I give her an answer. And my response was, do you still have to do that because your mother is not asking? And so often we're responding to things that no longer exist. It's like, Michael's asking. So why are you giving him, you know, this lengthy explanation or your friend is asking? This is no longer your mother. You're not in her home. You cannot be punished. When do you start to

apply new strategies? I would like to know what you do on your calendar to set micro boundaries. For instance, let's say, I don't know if you have someone scheduling for you. Do you set time between each call because you need a little bit of a break? If you have three podcasts in a day, do you space them out? Do you have time on your calendar to read, be with your kids? What is from a micro level Nedra's boundaries on her calendar? I manage my own calendar. Okay. And I see all of my emails first and I send them to my team and say,

this is something I want to do. This is not something I want to do because I want to be able to choose how busy I am. I schedule lunch and right now I am committed to no more than three things in a day because maybe, gosh, around book launch in March, I was doing so, so much and I noticed I was getting like these little headaches. And it was because I'm doing like five or six things in the day and I'm working with the East Coast and Australia and I'm working at these times that I don't typically work.

And I said, well, I have to cut back. Like I certainly wanna promote this book, but there would be no promotion if I am not well. And so the wellness takes priority over everything else. And so I have to be very intentional about eating lunch. I have to be intentional about not doing five things in a day. There are things that we just, we know our capacity and our body tells us so much,

whether it's hair loss, skin issues, headaches, all of these things. Our body is saying, this is too much. We need to slow down. We have the ability to listen or not. We could take a leave every day and just say, nah, I have to push through this. But your body doesn't do well with pushing through. That's so weird that you say that because I developed a stress rash where I notice if things get super overwhelming on my calendar, I itch. And when they slow down, it gets better. It's so weird. And you're so right. It is your body telling you, like, wait a minute. How do you set boundaries when it comes to social media? And I think this is a really important topic that we did not discuss last time. Are you responding to every DM? Are you available 24-7? I would think, you know, how many stories do you post? I know you probably have boundaries around your social. And if you guys don't follow her, her social is amazing. So I've managed my social media myself and I have a timer set for about

an hour and a half. Typically on Mondays, I go over to timer because I do Q&As and I try to do about 10, 10 Q&As. I try to be very intentional and I answer DMs and questions that will support the community. Some questions are so one-on-one. You know, where did you get this? It's like, this is not going to help people. And sometimes I'll respond and, oh, I got it from here. But for the most part, I try to be very strategic about the questions that I answer.

And when I do answer them, I make them into story content because this is probably a question that many people have. And my goal on social media is to further the message of healthy relationships and mental wellness. It is not to be in tuned and connected to all of the things in the world. It is not for me to do many of the things that might take away from what I need to be doing. So to be intentional with an hour and a half every day, I have to stay on task. I have to go on there and like certain things and find content to repost and that sort of thing. But what I can't do is respond to everything because I wouldn't have the time to do what I need to do. I'm going to ask you a question that has nothing to do with boundaries,

which is so on brand of everything you said. What's on your lips? You have like, there's like an oil on your lips that's so pretty or something. This is some Smashbox lip gloss. Okay, I need that. That was going to be my question. Sorry, no, I'm just like, she's talking and I'm looking at her lips and it's like

they're so moisturized and I feel like I need to get on board with that Smashbox you have to message me the name of the color I will

and so if people ask sometimes people will be like I like plants and I have this mister it's a continuous mister so you spray it three times and it just keeps going

and people are like where did you get so I had to okay, this is go to Google, just put it in continuous. That was for the community. Wait, so you missed your plants with the mister? Yes. You have to tell me what the mister is now. It's just like a magical mister that missed them? So it's something off. I got it at a plant shop, but you can just get them off Amazon and you just spray it and it just keeps going because some plants, you know, they like a little bit of humidity and water on top.

You better message me that one. Sorry. I have a question that we didn't bring up last time that we kind of almost got in this area, but codependency. If you're in a relationship, how do you even identify or realize that you're in a codependent relationship? And if you want to break that kind of cycle, how do you do that? You don't want to be codependent with me? Let's see. Maybe I don't know. We'll see.

One really easy way to understand whether you're codependent or not is to think about how you talk about someone else's problems. Like when I hear people trying to solve other folks' problems, it's a codependency red flag. Like if you were talking to me and you're telling me about all of Lauren's problems, I'm like, I don't know why he's talking about this. It's not my problems. These are not your problems to solve. So anytime you find yourself fixated on issues that are not your own, that is a clear sign that you are enmeshed in somebody else's outcome. We can support people without solving things for them. Of course, you want your wife to sleep, but those are her questions to ask. Those are not your questions.

So if you're in a codependent relationship, some people might be pushing back saying like, hey, I think it's good that I try to solve my wife or husband's problems. But what are the downsides of being in a codependent relationship and how do they manifest? I feel like we've really talked about morning routine this episode. I talked about my royal jelly. I talked about my chlorophyll, but I did not tell you about my new thing, and it is the glass hydro jug. This is something that I know the skinny confidential, him and her audience, is going to love. First of all, it is the most durable water bottle, and it's big, so you're going to get your water in. It's absolutely delicious with tons of ice and some chlorophyll and lemon. You can throw mint in there, ginger, whatever. Why I like this

glass hydro jug is first of all, it's really cute. They have all different colors, but I really like the pink diamond sleeve. It also has this like studded diamond texture. It's so, so chic, very Instagram worthy, and it's easy to clean. But what's really important is that you're using a reusable jug. I really, really like the glass hydro jug, but they also have a stainless one too. They have lots of different options. So you have to check out their site. They also, I have to mention this, they have this lid, okay? It's a lid like no other lid I've seen. And it includes a flip cap. So it has a detachable straw. So you can sip from the straw or remove the straw and pour it like normal. It holds half a gallon of water.

So you're constantly hydrating. It has a wide mouth opening. So it makes it really easy to add your ice or fruit. And it has an integrated handle. Everything is BPA-free, which is very important to me, especially because Zaza loves to have sips. Okay, you're going to go get your HydroJug today. I'll show it to you on Stories so you can see it. It's www.thehydrojug.com.

You can use discount code SKINNY to get 10% off your order today. Hydro jugs are game changers for anyone on the go. Again, you're going to use code SKINNY at thehydrojug.com to get 10% off today and start hydrating today. I have to say I'm a big believer if you're going to get a big jug for your water, you might as well go glass. I'm not into the plastic ones. That's thehydrojug.com slash discount slash skinny. How don't they manifest? I think one of the biggest issues is it becomes your stress. And then you have all of those body reactions that we talked about earlier. I think it increases your anxiety. Now you're watching them to make sure that they're taking care of this thing on top of the things that you already have going on. It's healthy to be concerned about people and to care about them, but it is unhealthy when

our caring consumes us. And so it's really this delicate balance of how much can I care? How much can I help without being enmeshed in their outcome? There are some things that are so difficult and so hard to watch with the people we love, but we have to know that we cannot resolve anybody's depression. We cannot help them sleep better. We cannot remove a drug addiction from their life. They are just things that we do not have the power to do. But when they are ready for our support, we can be there for them. We can listen. We can even give them resources. But doing more of the work than them, that will never get you to a space of resolve with someone else's issue. I actually think, when I give you a compliment,

we do a pretty good job of this. I think when he's sitting in a problem, I try to give him space until he comes to me and wants to talk it out. And then I just let him talk and sort of just go through it and let him kind of solve his own problem out loud. And I feel like you don't try to solve my problem until I come to you seeking advice. No, I could be better. I'll be honest. Like I could be better. Like when she's going through something,

my instinct is like, hey, I want to help you. I want to help you solve it. That's kind of a male thing, isn't it? Like they always want to solve. Yeah, maybe. I think that you're... The attention is probably in the right place,

but I understand like if I'm caring, like if I'm trying to solve something that's impossible for me to solve and I'm double stressing myself because I have my own stresses, like it's not, it's probably not being, it's not helpful to anybody.

Women really like to talk about their problems and the easiest thing is, I'm learning that. I need to learn that faster. Yeah, we have to teach boys that at a young age. Sometimes I just want to talk. Just listen to her, son. It's so easy.

But he always wants to come back with the solution and sometimes it's like I just want to bitch I think you're 100% right teaching young men at a younger age because I think we're taught the opposite or at least in my case you're taught like hey you gotta step in you gotta help you gotta support you gotta do all these things

and like a lot of people don't realize sometimes the best way to do that is just to shut up and listen i'm having a struggle learning like i learned that the hard way over and over and over and sometimes i'm really practicing just like shut up shut up shut up like that's in my head i want him to get yes dear tattooed on his ass on my forehead have you found that she talks about the same things over and over and you're like, I got to be careful here. No, you don't have to be careful. You can say it.

I'm an arm's distance. Yes, yes. I mean, and I think what I'm learning as I'm getting older is, okay, like if it's the same thing, I can't necessarily solve it by jumping in and creating a solve. Like I got to hear her out

and let her work through that issue on her own. Does that make sense? Yes. And your daughter will likely do the same thing. So this is really good training. So I'm going to get it from multiple angles. Yeah. So when she's talking to you about whatever, you're like, okay, okay. Just talked about this yesterday. Great. More information. It'll be good practice now. Yeah. Because I think when i'm soundboard and listen i know this is like getting personal but when i soundboard things i'm actually i'm like what's the solve like i'm looking for somebody to give me the answer tell me what the fix is

that's just how my my brain works like what am i missing i think sometimes at least in her case and i don't want to generalize all women but in her case it's like i don't want the solve i just want you to shut up and listen i'm not sure if that's a generalization as much as that is about how we were raised. Women are raised to speak to each other in a certain sort of way. Like our connections with other women, there is so much communication about nothing. Nothing. We're not talking about, I mean, most of the conversations I have with my friends, it's like, what you watching on TV? Did you hear a shoe? I mean, we're not talking about anything.

We're really not. Sometimes we are. But for the most part, it's just conversation. And so we're very used to just filling space with nothing because we just want to talk. We'll just come up with stuff like, do you like the way this perfume? What are we talking about here? We're talking about perfume. Like, why did that come up? But it's therapeutic. It's therapeutic just to talk. And so

when we talk, and we need to learn this too, that when we talk to men, there's a different way that they communicate with us sometimes. And some of the things that we're talking about, of course, they can learn to, uh-huh, uh-huh, but we cannot expect the exact same reception that we might get from our female friends because it's typically not the same. And we get really, he doesn't listen to me. And it's like, well, he doesn't listen to you like she listened to you because, you know, we've been socialized to just communicate differently. I totally agree with you. When I was a kid, I was not the best student. Some would say problem child.

But I remember I would get really frustrated with my teachers because- You flicked the principal off. You mooned the teachers. That's not going to every story. You went to detention every week. I've been kicked out of a lot of schools, yes. Thank God.

You got kicked off our Disneyland trip. But anyways, yep. Sorry, mom. Sorry, mom. Anyways, but I remember being a kid and getting really frustrated because my teachers, like if they were disciplining me,

they would say the same thing to me over and over and over again. Like if they said it 18 times that I would get it. And I kind of wanted, the whole time I was just looking for more of an explanation, not just being told, told, told. And so as I've gotten older,

I tell Lawrence, I'm like saying the same thing to me 18 times. I don't want to use the word trigger, but it's almost like I develop a resistance. I'm like, I don't need to be told 18 times to understand something, but sometimes like that's how it manifests. Does that make sense?

I think we care, like to your point about children, like we carry a lot of these things from childhood into our adult lives and they don't always manifest in the healthiest ways. But what Nedra is saying, I think, tell me if I'm wrong, is that we can't continue to live in a narrative that we've told ourselves over and over. Oh, I'm not saying it's healthy.

I'm acknowledging it's not healthy. Is there something that you can snap yourself out of this narrative that we've been told since we were children? One thing we could think about is what things that we used to do that might have been useful for that environment. Because there are times where we did things where we couldn't talk about certain things because that's what that environment dictated. But now we can talk. There are people who will listen. And so we have to be really conscious of being in the present and not in the past. And when we get into the mode of using those old unnecessary behaviors, we have to remember that we know better and we can actually do better. Yeah, I think that's great advice.

This is a question that I've been wanting to ask you the whole time about children. How can we teach our children boundaries? Because I don't think that I've been an A-plus student in boundaries, and I want to make sure my husband is amazing with boundaries. I've never seen anything like it. If you text message him and he doesn't have a second, he will leave it on read for two weeks. And honestly, it's not that he's ignoring someone. He just is doing other things. And I think I want to teach to my daughter that you don't always have to be so reactive to what everyone else needs. How can I instill that in her? We're talking a lot about taking care of yourself in this episode. And let's not only take care of our bodies, but let's take care of our minds by also taking care of our financial well-being.

We've been talking about on this show how important it is to think about saving for your future, investing for your future. And it's definitely a topic that's hit a nerve with this audience. Many of you have written in wanting to know more. And I think a great place to start is Wealthfront. No one is great at something the first time they try it. Nobody really knows how to figure it out. This takes years and years of practice. It takes years and years of investing and saving to really get an understanding. And that's why I really love Wealthfront for everybody, because you can get started investing without being intimidated, just like the experts. Lauren and I's primary investing strategy outside of putting money into our own businesses

is investing in low-cost index funds. What I love about index funds is anyone can jump in, and Wealthfront definitely can help you do that. And listen, I get it. You're sitting there saying, how do I save? This is daunting. This is overwhelming. I don't get it. I don't understand. And that's why I like Wealthfront so much. It is an easy to use platform that helps you create automated investment portfolios of diversified low cost index funds. To open your account, all you need is three minutes and $500 to invest. There are no manual trades, no watching the stock market, no more managing the details. Wealthfront's technology does it for you based on inputs that you control.

So if you're ready to start investing and start saving for your future, I would definitely check out Wealthfront. Right now, you can visit wealthfront.com slash skinny to get your first $5,000 managed for free for life. That's W-E-A-L-T-H-F-R-O-N-T.com slash skinny to start growing your savings. Go to wealthfront.com slash skinny and get started today. Again, this is how Lauren and I invest for our future. We save in low cost index funds and Wealthfront is a great platform to get started. You have to be less reactive to what everyone needs because kids learn so much by watching

and less by what we tell them to do. It's funny because you'll sometimes see these pictures online where the kid is sleeping like the dad. And it's like, oh my gosh, she sleeps just like her dad. Well, she watched how her dad sleep. Huh. She sleeps like her mom. It's not how, it's not like a genetic way they sleep. Now, how you gonna sleep genetically? I thought it was genetic that I slept with my hand up like this. No, I think we watch things and it unconsciously seeps into who we are. And no one has to say, this is how you do something.

If we lived in a silent community and everybody just started running, people would run everywhere. This is just, it's not anyone saying to us, hey, we should run as a society. It's like, this is what we're saying. This is what we're doing. And so it could be positive and it could be negative. And so if you want kids to do a certain thing, we have to do those things too. We have to model that to the kid. And that is really hard when you are the constant example of what you would like to see. With my kids, I try to be conscious of like, oh my gosh, I'm on my phone.

They don't have phones yet, of course, but I don't want them to feel like this is how I need to be connected. And when I'm talking to people, I need to be, you know, so I have to be mindful of that because I know they're watching me. They, you know, they let me know like, oh, I saw this and you like they will say it. You will see them doing these things. That's why kids talk like their parents and they sleep like their parents and all of these things. That's why kids talk like they're parents and they sleep like they're parents and all of these things. If you're holding a baby and you're afraid of dogs and you tense up, guess what? The baby will be afraid of dogs. So we are teaching by our body language, by what we're saying or not saying. And it's so important. You hear that a lot in the LGBT community where

sometimes the parent hasn't said, I don't like gay people, but they certainly have a response when they see a gay person. Wow. That is crazy. So just they're gauging their reaction, like if their shoulders tense up. saying things or, you know, letting someone know what you feel because there is this, you know, there was nothing said, but there was certainly this energy that was present that I am mindful of. We, you know, there are these unspoken rules that we see in our families and our friendships or whatever it is. And people don't have to say these things for us to understand that, okay, this is a thing. My parents, when I was little, were so nonjudgmental. I just remember that about my childhood. And that's so interesting that you say that because I can imagine if they were super judgmental, how that would come off to me. I never thought about just your reactions with that. With your kids,

do you set parameters around your phone? Because I noticed Michael and I are on our phone a lot for work. And I think it's too much. Do you say like, oh, I'm not going to wake up with it. I'm not going to go to sleep with it. I'm not going to have it at the dinner table. Or do you have like wishy-washy boundaries around that? I am a no dinner table person. I am also, as we are getting started for the day, typically no phone. I like that. Just trying to be conscious. I struggle in the evenings.

There are times where I'm very clear, like this is a time to connect. You just got home from school. Let's talk about what happened, who you played with today, all of, you know, the fun things that you've learned and whatever dances and songs and pictures and all that stuff. Let's talk about that. Let's connect. But the phone can be a connection tool as well because kids, you know, there's stuff for them on the phone. There's games on the phone. I love to show my kids pictures and all sorts of things. When I came to LA, I'm like, FaceTime, this is the room. This is the, oh, look at this.

So there are ways to connect with it, but we do have to be conscious. It's a new tool. And I'm sure our parents were conscious about something. I don't know, maybe TV watching. But there will always be something that we have to be mindful of that is distracting us from being present. After this conversation, we are doing no phone at the dinner table

and no phone in the morning. No, I think that's a good idea. And I'm going to remind you, I'm going to say, remember what Nedra said. Well, I've actually started to do, because I've noticed, I'm like, okay, if she catches me on my phone, I don't want to create a scenario

where she thinks the phone is more important than her or the phone is something that she needs to stimulate. I want her to have a healthy relationship and I also want her to have a healthy relationship with my interaction with the phone. So anytime she's been catching me now, I'm like, shit, okay, how do I mitigate this? So I'm like, hey, come look at this and I'll pull up old pictures of her and me or I'll FaceTime Lauren or even stupid things like we'll go with Snapchat and do filters together. It'd be like something we're doing together as opposed to something I'm doing without her.

And it's still probably not the healthiest. But I think as she gets older, I'm like, okay, it's not good for her to just see me sitting in the corner on my phone while she's present in the room. Or waking, opening her eyes in the morning and seeing you on her phone. I'm trying to convince him to get off his phone in the morning. So maybe this conversation will. Well, sometimes if I've been up an hour or two before you, your idea of the morning in

mind may be... Nedra said you should just listen to me. Your idea of the morning in mind might be different. I love how people do... My therapist said it. I didn't say that. If you could leave our audience with one tip from your book that you think is super life-changing, what would it be?

Guilt is a part of the process. Many people fear setting boundaries because they will feel guilty. And guilt happens for two reasons. One, you did something or you think you did something. In most cases with boundaries, we think we're doing a bad thing. It probably isn't bad and we feel terrible about it. The feeling terrible part, you can ease your discomfort by practicing self-care, remembering that you are not hurting or harming anyone, that you're trying to be safe and comfortable in your relationships and in particular in your relationship with this person.

So the guilt could be a part of the process. That's the number one question that I get about boundaries. How do I set a boundary without feeling guilty? And I haven't learned how to teach a person to do that. And anybody who says that they can, I wouldn't believe it. Because how do you teach people to not feel? Feelings are not a bad thing. We feel guilty. We feel happy. We feel sad. The challenge is when we feel a negative emotion, we tend to hold on to it and we want it to go away. Nobody's ever trying to get rid of happiness. No one's ever trying to get rid of joy. But sometimes we need to feel all of it. When I think about grief, grief makes me more present in my relationships with people because you're like, I could lose this. or it's because, wow, this doesn't, you know. So the bad and the good go together. So when you get to a place in a relationship

where someone easily respects your boundaries, it makes the grief a bit easier because you start to learn that, oh, this can be easier. So with practice, the guilt will go away, but you don't need to feel it. I have a self-care tip that I hope you'll like. Go.

I put two hour blocks in my calendar once a week that say foot spa and I go to the foot spa for two hours and work uninterrupted with no one speaking to me because you can work on your phone

because you're getting your feet rubbed and it's the most productive two hours of my entire week and I tell everyone around me this is my time. So if someone needs a two hour block, go to the foot spa. Foot spa. Any foot spa.

Like a little hole in the wall foot spa. Nothing fancy. I like the way you say that. Foot spa. Foot spa. Sometimes I can't find her and I'm like, I bet she's at the foot spa. Sometimes I have a threesome. I get one on each foot.

Wow. Nedra, where can everyone find you? Pimp yourself out, your book, everything you're working on, your Instagram, all the things. Yes. So I am most present on Instagram at Nedra Tawwab. I have a book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace.

I have a workbook coming out that is a companion to the book. Find me on Instagram. It is my favorite way to connect with my community. Amazing. Everybody check her out, Nedra. So good to see you again. Thank you for coming back. And listen to part one. Part one's just as amazing. It's so good. Yeah. I loved it. Thank you for coming on. Thank you. If our podcast or this episode has brought you any kind of value, please make sure you've rated and reviewed the podcast on itunes It takes two minutes And of course as always let's do a little giveaway

All you have to do to win a copy of my signed book get the fuck out of the sun Is tag a friend on my latest instagram post so we can build the community of the skinny confidential him and her podcast We appreciate you guys listening. We hope you loved this episode. And if you did, definitely go back to episode 338 and listen to our first episode with Nedra on Boundaries.