The Sloppy Boys - 34. Mojito

Episode Date: June 11, 2021

Classic cocktail or club cliché? The guys delve into a divisive Cuban highball.MOJITO RECIPE1.5oz/45ml White Rum.66oz/20ml Lime Juice6 pcs Mint Sprigs2 tsp SugarSoda WaterMuddle mint, sugar and lime juice in a highball. Add splash of soda water and fill the glass with ice. Pour the rum and top with soda water. Stir lightly to involve all ingredients.Recipe via the International Bartenders Association (https://www.iba-world.com/) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey folks, welcome to the Sloppy Boys where we take a deep dive into the drinks that you love. I'm Jeff Dutton along with Mike Hanford. Hey! And Tim Kalpakis. What is up? And we're your hosts, the Sloppy Boys. We're back. We're back out in the wild together still together on the same

coast in a backyard spread out more this time i've got so many wires here i feel like i'm a spaghetti plate yeah you do remind me of a spaghetti plate i'm wearing i'm wearing a meatball on my head. Mm-hmm. That'll happen. You know sometimes when we start this podcast, we really got it. Today is one of those days, spaghetti on a plate? Good lord. Some people like that.

I mean, hey, in Italy, they're probably eating this shit up. How many Italian listeners do we have? Uno! Dos! Uno, dos, tres, quattro! Ooh. U2. What was that song that started? Uno, dos, tres, quatorze. Yeah, so that's 14, right? Yeah. One, two, three, 14? Yeah, what song is that, though?

Elevation. I think you wrote something. That's from Tomb Raider. No, it was from... Well, hold on, Tim. That's from Tomb Raider Hold on Tim that's from Tomb Raider That's from Tomb Raider When Garage Rock was cool And the whole point of Garage Rock was to undercut The big major label rock bands Then Bono was like Me too

Who was telling us about If you're at a U2 concert Will you hear that There's like a siren going who was telling us about if you're at a U2 concert, will you hear that? There's like a siren going or a, a kid was crying. My family needs help. We'll do it after this podcast.

They're like, okay, as long as you get to us before the blowout. How do they know how, how we record these? Anyway, somebody was telling us that at U2 concerts, the edge, the stages are so big

that when the edge is playing his guitar, you know, he's not connected to any cables or anything so he can roam free, his choice, and sometimes he gets

so far away from his pedals that somebody else backstage like plays his parts. No. Did somebody tell us that? Did I dream this? Oh, I hope not. A wonderful dream, if so.

That sounds like a nightmare. Sounds crazy, right? Or maybe it's just like all connected to like a computer server. Yeah, it's a computer. Like, you know, big rock bands like that. It's like it's all on a track. You can't really fuck up, you know. I bet he's, yeah, I bet that if you're the edge,

it's possible that you even have a guitar tech helping you out with some of that stuff. That's what I'm saying. It's possible that he doesn't load up all that gear and set it up on stage every day himself. God, he must just walk out there and be like, where's my guitar? Does it sound like it always does? Yes, Edge, yes. And I love you.

What? The guitar tech loves him. All those guitar techs are so grateful. Yeah. Well, also people don't know that the Edge's guitar tech is his wife. Whoa. To be, wife to be. What a reveal.

Yeah. Here on the pod, hey, revealing stuff like that reminds me of a segment we have. The Edge doesn't play his own guitar. Nope. His wife is his tech. And his wife loves him. And also a computer does all the work. his own guitar. Nope. His wife is his tech. His wife loves him. And also a computer does all the work. Right.

Right. What do you say we get into some bebop booze news? Yes. Great. Hit it. Slabby always have those warm tones. Ooh, yeah. Kind of like an old piece of vinyl pumping out some smooth bebop.

Hey, do you guys hear that? Hey. Oh, this is great. Oh, shit, it's time for Booze News. Whoa. Nice. See, that's nice because it had some actual musicianship. Yeah, and it harkened back to the first Booze News iterations that we would do with the

peep, peep, peep, peep. Just the doot, doot, doot. Sent to us by Rick Topper. Rock Topper. Topper. Rick Topper. If you got a Booze News theme, send it to thesloppyboyspodcast at gmail.com. Rick Topper. Topper. Rick Topper. If you got a booze news theme, send it to the sloppyboyspodcast at gmail.com. Rick Topper.

Thanks, Rick. We give preferential treatment to bebop themes. So if you could try to get it on that scene. You know, when I was listening to that beat, I kind of felt like a rat pack kind of a guy. You know what I've noticed? And I think this happened in the booze news last week, and I didn't scold them. We've lost the high-voiced son-of-a-bitch stuff. You're right.

What happened, folks? Pull it together. Well, here's another kind of a peek behind the scenes is that people send in hundreds of thousands of booze news themes, and then I kind of put on my spectacles and take a perusal in the inbox. I will often forget about songs for many months and then go back to them. kind of put on my spectacles and take a perusal in the inbox. It was there. I will often forget about songs for many months and then go back to them. So sometimes a new joke has emerged and people are adding to it and I throw it all off by picking a song from January. So the booze news is there's sort of a living,

breathing organism that can evolve over time. I love that type of shit. Yeah. Uh, but I do want to say before we get into the booze news, which I'm very excited about, uh, Thank you. It sounds like it's customizable. I love that type of shit, yeah. But I do want to say, before we get into the booze news, which I'm very excited about, yeah, just listeners, if you want the privilege of doing a booze news theme,

great. Do our specs, do the funny thing in the end, or we will take it away. Yeah, because we treat you with a certain amount of respect. You have to kind of reciprocate that amount of respect back to us. Otherwise, we'll quite frankly fuck you up. Yeah. Don't reinvent the wheel.

Nope. Adhere to the format. Just give us a new wheel. Innovate a new shape. Yeah, we'll do it or we'll take it away. Tim, you take it away. Here we go. Well, this is the hugest booze news possible for a podcast like this. The IBA website is back. Here we go. Well, this is the hugest booze news possible for a podcast like this. The IBA website is back.

Oh, finally. And Russian Root made it. Oh, Michael, quit while you're ahead. We based our whole podcast on the International Bartenders Association cocktail list. And then mere weeks into our hit breakout show yeah yeah we're uh the very website where we get all of our recipes from was closed for construction yeah what was our breakout show our breakout that put us over the top i i think probably cosmopolitan shot us into the stratosphere yeah and then brandy alexander brought us back down into the earth's mantle

down into the earth um but at some point maybe a little over a month ago we went there to find our typical recipe and we got error 404 yeah it was it was a shock yeah leaving us rudderless now you don't did you like they didn't add new cocktails, did they? No, no, no. They didn't change the list, but what they did do is they, much like they promised, restyled their website,

and it looks great, and I'm proud of them. It still isn't really searchable, but hey, maybe they could take it down for another few months. Hey, the fonts are different. That's nice enough. But folks, I encourage you, when you're making your cocktails from now on, go to IBAworld.com.

Let's say you're mixing up, for example, I don't know, some sort of minty, limey, long Cuban type of cocktail. You go there, and it looks good now. It used to be a website from the 80s. Now it's kind of a black background, white text, nice, clean pictures. You're going to love it. Classic. You're going to make it your homepage. Nice.

Great. And it's just good news for us that we've been kind of like scrapping together these recipes based on- Hearsay. Hearsay. And conjecture. Any rumor, anyone that said anyone anything about any drink we're like well we'll take your word for it sir whatever you say uh i got some booze news yeah share it with us the yeah it's for you guys know the booze news the audience does not

next week we will be podcasting live from Waikiki, Hawaii. Oh, Hawaii. The sloppy boys are heading down Hawaii way to surf, sun, and turf. Pod. Surf, turf. We're going to be on the turf. We'll surf. We'll eat surf and turf. We'll podcast.

We're going to hang 30. That's right. We're going to do the- We're going to hang brain. Blue hole. All on one surfboard like the Alvin and the chipmunks yeah you guys were with me when i saw that guy on a uh surfboard this was in los angeles and he uh put a folding chair on it yeah and sat on it that was great um and i've seen one with a dog i've seen well i that was when we we went surfing in

uh carpentaria i was not there that day. Oh, well, you would have loved it. That's the day I got up. I know, that's great. The surf was angry that day, my friend. The surf was turf. We should open a restaurant. It's like, here, the surf is turf. After many hours of trying to pop up

and failing and flopping and flipping, still having fun, but still falling a lot, then some guy put his dog on a board and I watched that dog fucking ride it all the way in with a smile. That thing eats his own shit and I can't even get up. And then they were like, well, you eat your own shit too. I say, sometimes by accident. But that canine cock really showed me up on that day. Getting back to the booze news. I'm going to bleep that.

That's disgusting. That is disgusting. But it's Tim's right to say it. We're going to do the Blue Hawaiian drink. Blue Hawaii. Blue Hawaii. But there is a Blue Hawaiian drink. Yes, and it's a different drink, and you're confusing the listeners, Michael.

Okay. We will... Let's redo that, actually. No, no, no. The confusion is good. Yeah, everyone's... The confusion's no good. No, but, I mean, it's a quite common tiki confusion.

Ooh, that could be a movie that we make. Tiki confusion. It's a quite common tiki confusion. The common tiki confusion. Usually common isn't really a good movie word. Common. Yeah, you don't need to watch this is very common it's quite common over plane just kidding keep talking

talk through plane blue Hawaii we got a plane folks this is our actually our flight we gotta go folks wow this guy's flying a little low buzz cut well let's wrap up boo boo's news and get into the drink the d of the d the dungeon of the dragon um okay let me tell you a little tale sure about a certain concoction um yeah uh that's we're gonna let's put we'll you a little tale. Sure. About a certain concoction. Yeah.

We'll put a little early 2000s techno dance music bed get going right here. Cool. Maybe like Ray of Light? Yeah, but copyright free. Nice. Sure. Ray of Life. Oh, it's the early to mid aughts. Ray of life.

Oh, it's the early to mid-aughts. And you know that the T-man is staying up late after Conan and flipping over to E! Entertainment Network. I got my Keith Urban haircut, tight, flared jeans. Jeff, what do you got? Oh, geez, what was this, 2005? Yeah. Oh, that's what I'm wearing now. Oh, I probably had my flat top and my big boom box on my shoulder.

Well, I was watching Brooke Burke hosting Wild on Miami, Wild on Cuba. And then what else? You know, Paris Hilton's on the red carpet being oh, so promiscuous, isn't she? carpet being oh so promiscuous isn't she well the night at the roxbury is blowing every box office record known to hollywood and the certain drink on everyone's lips is the mojito yes yes mowing down mojito now you might say that the real history goes back farther, maybe to Havana, Cuba in the 1600s. Now, that is too loud, whatever this is. It's just too close. This is a chopper.

It's too much. Jeez Louise. It's funny when it's like, he's a fucking LAPD. It's intense. Who is the person on the red carpet you said? Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton. Wow. So you're telling me this is the official cocktail of Star carpet you said paris hilton paris oh wow so you're telling

me this is the official cocktail of star wars episode one the phantom menace yeah or actually more more accurately star wars episode two attack of the clones nice um now a slightly better movie some people have feelings on whether you know there was the original trilogy and then there's the prequel trilogy and then there was kind of a modern trilogy and I've heard that there are audience members that have like proclivities toward the different films. Are you sure about that? You might be thinking of Lord of the Rings, which is a trilogy.

I was. I was thinking of Lord of the Rings. That all those people have a proclivity toward Lord of the Rings instead. But yeah, so that's what the time period I associated with, I couldn't even really back this up. I went looking to see all the articles about the resurgence of the mojito in the early

to mid two thousands. Cause I really think of the frosted tips and the Lance bass and the, and the, the Ryan Seacrest and they're all throwing back mojitos. My first real job in LA. You remember I was like a production coordinator and the head honcho over there was a screenwriter and a director. And, uh,

he came from reality TV and he was writing a feature. He said, Jeff, what's a cool drink. And I said, mojito. And he was, he,

cause he was like, this is like a, I'm writing a young, hip comedy script and these guys are talking about cocktails and they're going to get something cool for the girls. What's a cool drink? And I said mojito.

Cool light, sir. And you know, I would know what the cool drink was. Nobody's doubting that. Oh, please. Well, he probably knew you were a future podcaster. And you know what? Gave me a big fat bonus.

Really? Whoa. Did he really? No. Oh. I associate mojitos with you because I think you're the one I know who drinks them or has had them. Has had them.

You're the one I know who has had them. Well, sometimes you'd be like, where's Jeff? Where's Jeff? He's in his room muddling. Muttering is muddling. Well, yeah. So before that pop culture resurgence that we noticed, this is one of these sort of, hey, we know it's Cuba.

We know it's Havana, Cuba that goes way back. But at what point does it become a mojito? That's kind of hard to say because, you know, we've talked a lot about that daiquiri that's sort of like that. Even that is hard to pinpoint because, Mike, you told us about how the sail british sailors were kind of uh trying to avoid scurvy by putting lime into their spirits that was whiskey sour whiskey sour and then that was also like the daiquiri kind of around that same

time we're just talking about a tall daiquiri you know a daiquiri that's got uh soda and mint in it so there is around that same time maybe sir francis drake the great sea captain had a very similar drink maybe the fucking uh maybe south americans were making a similar similar spirit that was made out of sugar cane i mean we know that the word mojito may have come from the word mojo, which is an African word for magic. But really, we know it takes hold in Havana, Cuba. We know that Hemingway is slurping them down, not at his precious La Floridita, where he drank the Hemingway daiquiri, but at another place called la bodeguita del medio that's right they have a very famous one and then you know then the stage is set then you know eventually colin farrell

is in michael mann's miami vice saying yeah i'm a fiend for mojitos. And you know they're popping up in Bad Boys 2. I'm a fiendo for mojitos. You know they're popping up in not Dirty Dancing 1, but Dirty Dancing Havana. Nice. Right, right, right. And there was one in Beach Bum, Matthew McConaughey. We should do a Patreon episode about Beach Bum. Yes, we should.

I've been meaning to watch that again. It's a fun one. Just the audience, if you hear a horn, somebody's doing a horn lesson, it sounds like. At least they're good. Really good. It's not like a junior high for a joint player. I'm going to say that's a bugle. A really soulful military guy.

I think it's a straight up trumpet. Now, so we've all had, or Mike, you just know that Jeff has had. I know Jeff has had. I have had. I do not prefer. You do not prefer. Mike, this is you coming in with judgment out of the game. No, what's your judgment?

Tim asked if you liked it. He did. He just asked if I had I like it but they're often too sweet I feel like I've also had a lot of variations And not just the original But lots of times people will make it with Malibu

Coconut rum And that just makes it too much of a sweet candy drink That's a bad move for me So I'm excited to have the original And we'll see if it lives up to all that mid-2000s

hype that we all know about. Entourage the movie. Entourage the movie. Ooh, yes. It's very entourage. Yeah, very entourage. We saw that in the theaters together, didn't we? Not me. Oof. So I didn't go to surfing, you didn't go to entourage. Yeah. Other than that, inseparable. Yeah, that's right.

A frequent blunder that I'll do with one of these is over muddle. I'll just crunch that leaf into powder. We learned that with the mint julep. Yep. It's just a quick. Crunch, crunch. Couple pops. What I'll do is I'll lay them down on my chair and I'll sit my big fat ass on them.

I lay them out. I say thank you for being part, and I'll sit my big fat ass on them. Yeah. I lay them out. I say, thank you for being part of this. This is going to be awful for you. When the leaves start screaming uncle, you know they're ready to go into the drink. You want to hear the recipe for this motherfucker? Yeah, man. Yes.

Yes. 45 milliliters of white Cuban rum. That's an ounce and a half. 20 milliliters of fresh lime juice. That's an ounce and a half. 20 milliliters of fresh lime juice. That's a little more than half an ounce. Six pieces mint sprig. Let's call it six leaves, not pieces of mint sprig. Two teaspoons of white cane sugar.

Did you say Michael Caine sugar? Yes, I did. That's enough for me. We had a joke at one point. I don't think it made it into anything that was like, I'm Michael Caine. I'm doing a Michael Caine impression. It's not very good, but I'm glad you're listening to it anyway.

There was more to it. Yeah. I'm trying my best. Well, sorry. Right in the middle. So sugar. Soda. Water.

Coca-Cola. That's weird to say soda water. Say club soda or say soda. Soda water. That's what tripped me up. Method. Mix mint sprigs with sugar and lime juice. Add splash of soda water and fill the glass with ice.

Pour the rum and top with soda water. Light stir to involve all ingredients. Garnish with sprigs of mint and slice of lime. Okay, so Tim,

where's the muddling? You know what was weird? I was getting confused when I was reading that because of all the different splashes of soda. Sounds like there's a little splash at the bottom. Is that what this bird is yelling about? Where's the muddling? Here's what I think we do. You put the sugar and the lime juice and the mint sprigs in there.

Give that a little muddle. And give it a little muddle. If you need a splash of soda just to get it liquidy. Jesus Christ. You put the sugar in the coconut you eat. there. Give that a little muddle. And give it a little muddle. If you need a splash of soda just to get it liquidy, then you can do that. But it's really about getting those non-liquid ingredients in the bottom, muddling

them up, pouring the rum, topping with the soda. There you go. And use a lot of ice, folks. Use a nice tall highball glass, you know, a Tom Collins glass, and give yourself a lot of ice, folks. Use a nice, tall, highball glass, you know, a Tom Collins glass, and give yourself a lot of ice. Ice is nice here, folks. And throughout all this, have fun.

Put a smile on your face. Yes. Smile for me. Thank you, because if you don't, the drink is going to do it for you. Here's something I was curious about. So remember last week we did rum in our Flaming Dr. Peppers? I still have some of that Gosling 151.

Should I try that to make it a little different? Or should we start with all three of the basics so we can talk about the same thing? You're Mike Hanford. I'm not going to tell you

your business. No, yeah, you're right. I'm going to get a lunch. Hayden, I'm choosing this. That 151 to me was a whole different beverage. It was like... Different taste.

It's a dark rum too. It was jet fuel, man. And let's be honest, it overpowered all three of us. That 151 to me was a whole different beverage. It was like- Different taste. It's a dark rum, too. It was jet fuel, man. And let's be honest, it overpowered all three of us. That's true. Just thinking about that. Took us down. Do you guys remember back in that really good, kind of cool, early 2000s intro I did? I mentioned A Night at the Roxbury.

Just looked it up. It came out in 1998. Oh, geez. So what you're going to want to do is forget about the year and just enjoy the show. That movie came out and then there was like residual

the residual effect. Probably it was a cult classic on DVD. Think of the DVD. When you hear people say movies, don't always think of the theater alone. Think of the several year old DVD. Think of the other. Think of the several-year-old DVD. Think of the DVD. The DVD that's in the bargain bin at Best Buy because it's been out for six or seven years.

Well, you guys want to do it? Let's do it. Yes. And when we come back, we meet the winner of the Slop in Your Backyard contest. Ooh, that's exciting. Can't wait. Here we go. And we're back.

But folks, before we take first sips, we want to bring out a very special winner. Contest winner. Contest winner. Wow. Of the, what did we say it was? Slop in your backyard contest. It's so funny because you guys, this contest, like I'm on the show every week and I almost don't remember you guys ever plugging this contest.

I know. It was kind of under the radar. It was only open to Patrons, so if you want to be in contests like this. Our Patreon subscribers who we affectionately call Patrons. Right. We love those guys. We love the ones here. Yeah, we had a lot of entrants, a lot of hopefuls.

And as the ones who did enter, you know, the winner of this contest gets to, we go to their house and do this podcast in their backyard. That's why we're outside. Right. And they get to have the drink with us. Right. And one of the essays pulled on our heartstrings the most. We will talk to the winner about where they got their inspiration. They had to write a big, long essay.

20 pages, single space. Oh, yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Neil Campbell. Woo! Congratulations, young man. And you're a patron. I'm a patron, yeah. I'm excited. I'm so pleased that I won this contest.

Can I get you guys anything? Do you need a Zoom H6 or an XLR cable? Oh my god, he's a complete and utter tech head. Sorry, I'm sort of an audiophile. No, you relax. We'll take care of the audio. You relax, and we have a mojito for you.

And you get to kind of just take part in the whole vibe, dude. You're over 21? Oh, yeah. I know that. And you have to be. Inches tall, you mean, right? Yes. Now, Neil, before we get into it, have you had a mojito before? I'm almost certain I have, but not in any way that I quite recall.

Certainly not in a significant way that would mean I should be the guest on this episode. No, you had the best essay. We do want to talk about that essay, too, by the way. But let me ask you this. We just went on a long tear about how we associate this drink with it's the 2000s and it's Burke Wild On and it's Ryan Seacrest at the beach. Does that ring true for you or do you think I'm kind of a fucking idiot? No, no.

I think you guys are geniuses, as I wrote in the essay. That was all you said in the essay. Yeah, no. I think you guys are geniuses, as I wrote in the essay. That was all you said in the essay. Yeah, yeah. Well, great physical specimens. Oh, yeah. It was mainly a description of our bodies. Yeah. In depth, ab by ab. Each ab, yeah. Top row left ab on Tim. Gorgeous.

These are names. I obviously know Ryan Seacrest as a famous host of many programs. Brooke Burke, that name rings a bell. I don't think I watched a lot of that stuff. But yes, I'm familiar with this drink as being a trendy drink for the last 20 years. We're making the case that it maybe had a resurgence around that time. And then maybe it was eschewed. that it maybe had a resurgence around that time and then maybe it was eschewed. Maybe when the Mad Men scene took over,

then the mojito lost its place. Drink scat. Very true. The Brooke Burke thing, I do want to point out that when I was maybe in high school, my friend and I were watching Talk Soup. I think Hal Sparks was hosting at the time.

And they were doing a Brooke Burke segment. And he made the joke. He's like, Brooke Burke sounds like a chicken, says her name. He's like, Brooke Burke. And I held on to that. And you may have heard me say it a little early in the podcast. I said, was that a chicken? Oh, it's so cool to hear about how you came up with your riffs.

I just steal all of Hal Sparks' old stuff. You just reached for your drink for a sip And then you freaked the fuck out When you realized That we hadn't had First sips yet We have not And I already did take a sip

But Okay well Before you do Just I Give these a nice stir Or like push your cubes down Because all of

I splashed the soda on top Yeah Tim Tim sort of took care Of making these And I have I have never made such an aesthetically pleasing drink on this show

Yeah, this is a nice one I supervised him to make sure it was textbook for the IBA I leaned against the counter and looked at hockey scores Now Mike made mine and instead of mint, he used mouthwash and instead of sugar, it's salt

Honestly, there are some very minty mouthwashes these days Instead of mint, he used mouthwash. And instead of sugar, it's salt. Honestly, there are some very minty mouthwashes these days. That's, I think, what he was thinking. It says any granular powder will do. You wrote in your essay you wanted your drink Hanford-ed, right? Yeah. Or miked, as you guys in the Discord say. I want the Instagram commenters to get really mad.

Oh, no. Okay, let's do our mojito sips. Here we go. Oh, yeah. Oh! Very good. Oh. Oh, my God. I feel like I'm on the beach. You know, so I had my sip before I stirred it up, and the stirring... Good. Stirring good. No stir.

No good. And that was a stirring... tail. You remind me... Stirring tails. We do need to get to That was a stirring tale. You remind me. Stirring tales. We do need to get to that essay. It smells like the abs. Yeah, we're going to read it aloud. You're reminding me of that Bob Marley song.

Stirring good. Yep. Stir your moe. Eat off my darling. Yeah. Well, on first sip, I love it. And it's kind of like a Tom Collins, but with a minty, limey twist.

All right, so remember earlier I was saying, I don't like these. They stink. I was kind of being a little pissy. You weren't here yet, Neil. I was really pissy. I might make references that you guys have already said. Oh, shit.

Yeah, we'll immediately boot you off. Oh, thank you. Yeah, just edit. Thank you. So the mojito I've had before, the ones I've had before, they weren't as good as this one. Yeah. Weren't as good. This happens all the time.

Yeah. This is like... You say you come in with an attitude, and then you take one sip and you say, you know what? This is better than the ones I've had. No. Well, it happened the other way where I made the Trinidad Sour and that was better than the one I then had at Clover Club.

Okay. But, yes. Neil, did you also have a Trinidad Sour at the Clover Club in Brooklyn? No, but I tried the one Hanford ordered. Do you believe that Hanford says that the one that he made himself was better than the one at the Clover Club? Yes, he believes me. Yeah, I believe it yes he's a smart boy a good boy he just mike slid a knife into neil's body it was between the ribs it's fine you can just do that at home and you won't get hurt totally

fair game poked right out the back didn't hit any organs. You know, also, it's not too rummy, right? It's like, because there's a lot of soda in here. And I just got one little crunch of sugar. That was kind of nice. And you didn't over muddle. Thank God. Yeah, that I did peek over and see the muddling process. That was a nice little tap.

I'm not dealing with a clogged straw. Right. You're not going to have to be a flossing mat of your teeth later on either. Now, Neil, we, you know, thank you so much for being part of the contest

and being the winner and having us here in your beautiful backyard. Can you tell us anything about the area here? I know there's some squirrels you sort of... Yeah, give us a rundown

of the wildlife. Well, there's a squirrel couple and the husband will eat out of my hand, so that's pretty cool. I saw this happen. No, we should say, you won the contest, but I'm also staying here while I'm in LA. Yes, yes, yes. So I've got him in the

guest room. Unrelated to the contest. I'm staying here and you happen to win, thank God. I saw, yeah, Neil walks right up with a walnut. It was a walnut this Neil walks right up with a walnut. It was a walnut this time. Yeah, yeah, one of my walnuts.

Oh, we're in a terrible room, mate. I owe you, I owe you. He owes me a walnut. And I owe you for that Uber, actually. We've got to take care of that. I, he went right up to it, and the squirrel was a little apprehensive. He said, you're not going to hurt me. I won't be in your

stew, will I? No, no, I want you to have stew. The lemon tree is probably what brings all the wildlife here, right? They pick those lemons and they eat them? They take the lemons, there's avocado, you know, there's a couple things they

indulge in. And the wildlife, it gets wild. Earlier today, I was in the kitchen looking outside, and right on that little platform that's area, I saw two lizards fucking each other and another lizard walking by. Cool. Yeah. Well, one was on the other one's back, and I assumed. I saw the squirrels consummating their marriage at one point.

I saw a couple squirrels hooking up, but they were a little prudish, so they didn't exactly do everything. Yeah. Oh, yeah. These lizards I saw had whips and leather masks. Oh, yeah. They were into the whole scene. You know when you see a little lizard and they do those little push-ups? Oh, yeah.

Jessica said that she heard it's like an intimidation tactic. Like, when they're doing push-ups, they're trying to make themselves look bigger so that we're going to be like, it's a huge lizard. Yeah. I figured it was a mating thing or something. I mean, I guess it led me to make one. It better not be a mating thing because he was doing it at Jessica. Oh, yeah.

I mean, it works. That tactic works at the beach for most guys. I was just kind of looking through her phone before and there were a bunch of missed calls from Liz Ard. Oh. That could be anything. Yeah, it definitely could be. Did I ever tell you guys a story of I was in gym class one time in junior high? Oh, you told me off mic, but go ahead.

Well, I'll tell you. Right, Neil wasn't sitting on my shoulders. You told him about every time you were in gym class. There was this sort of jockish fellow. Kalpakas type? Yeah, Kalpakas type. Jockular or jockish? A cocksure fellow, you know?

And he was picking on some kids. One of my friends, this guy Andrew. And we're playing floor hockey in gym class. And he has Andrew. He's got him in a headlock kind of bent over his knee while the while the teacher's not looking and i was like stop that you let him go this is all true and then guess who gets the next headlock oh boy it's the j man i was gonna guess him from you but oh you got some of this so here's what happened so i'm i'm in the headlock, right?

Uh-huh. And then just to maintain my own balance, reflexively, I step over the leg, his leg. Oh. And I have my hand on his back just to support myself. Uh-huh. And he goes smacking into the gym floor. Like, it was as though it was a judo move. You flipped him.

Yeah. It was as though I'd done it on purpose. Wow. And that's when everybody looked over at him, gym teacher included. Guy starts doing push-ups. I have heard this. As though it was something.

That's what he was going to do anyway. I'm down here, so this is my cover. I'm just going to do a couple push-ups. Was he like, when he was down there, was he like, 51, 52, 53? I wasn't there, so this is my cover. I'm just going to do a couple push-ups. When he was down there, it was like 51, 52, 53. I wasn't there, but I actually believe that guy that he really was just working out. Tim, well, it's because you guys have so much in common. He got bored of bullying.

Yeah, you got to know, if you want to maintain great pecs, you got to be down there 200, 300 push-ups a day. How many push-ups do you think you could do in a row? I tried this the other day. I got up to 12 and I said, I'm going to call it here. What I do on the Doughboys live stream, that's how many I can do. Was it more than 12? It was like 20.

20? Proper push-ups? Good ones. Chest to the ground. Do you think I could do 21 right now? Let's see. Put your mic down towards the ground. I'm going to put my mic down toward my crotch.

Sure. Okay. Whoa. I'm huge. You're going for 20? He's really doing it, folks. He's clearing the pockets. I aspire to get between Mike and Jeff.

I don't think I could beat 20, but I think I could beat 12. You've got to do more than that lizard. I will say, by clearing his pockets, he took out a bunch of Chips Ahoy wrappers. Speaking of lizards, I've got another lizard I've got to tell you about. While Tim's stretching and warming up. I'm going to do some push-ups. Neil, talk about that lizard. Oh, well, there's a lizard who lives—he mostly lives in the front yard and we're in the back.

His name's Lazy Guy. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. Those are good push-ups, too. Yeah, good form. And if your listeners don't know the order numbers come in, they're hearing it now. This would be good for a Sesame Street segment. Damn. Woo!

21! Whoa! Wow. Dang. 21, great for them. Push-up king. Look at that. Damn 21 21 21 Push up king The push up king of California That was amazing That was great Now lazy guy is a lizard who lives in the front yard And he just splays out his legs

All four of them in either direction There's a name for that I've taken about 100 photos of him Maybe we'll post one When dogs do that it's called splooting is that right I've taken about a hundred photos of him Maybe we'll post one When dogs do that it's called splooting is that right I've never asked a dog but yeah probably Ask a lizard maybe Oh sure

I don't know if you know what the dogs call it Now Neil we once saw Several lizards in Griffith Park That's true We went on a lizard look walk That was uh February 2012 We went on a lizard look walk. That was February 2012. We were shooting a comedy bang bang episode for the IFC show.

Yes, I believe the like, what do you call it? When there's money from an advertiser involved. Branded? A branded thing, yeah. It wasn't like... I think it was like Neil and Tim's lizard shoes. It was like we were in a car or something. Oh, yeah.

It was like a sketch that had them parallel parking a car or something. Yeah, it was like... Was it the Honda Scaly? Yes, I believe so. I think it was the Toyota Long Tongue. Hey, shit. Edsel situation. No, but we were on a brief break and we said, let's go for a walk and see lizards.

And we saw many lizards. Yeah. Let's go on our walk. Okay. Were you by the Batman cave? No, we were up by the helipad. The helipad. Nice.

Ooh, choppers. Yeah. I like that. But I have not kept in touch with any of those lizards from that day. Yeah, I mean, a few, but it's been a while. Only because of Facebook and stuff. Yeah, exactly. Now, Neil, this essay you wrote, you want to take the

listener through it? Sure, yeah. Because we're not going to read the whole 20 pages. I mean, it was called Ab Fab, and it was just sort of a description of your guys' bodies. Excruciating some may say detail. Tendon by tendon, muscle by muscle. Yeah, sure.

But it was a 20-page limit, so you could barely just cover the abs and then you ran out of time. Yeah, yeah. I just sort of went, you know, bottom left, bottom left for each of you. And then I think that's all as far as I got. And you covered this in the essay,

but the audience doesn't notice. When you were writing this, you did go back to medical school just to get some anatomy classes. Yeah and i in art school as well i was sort of learning the anatomy so you can speak intelligently on this and we made that showed and the work paid off and here you are this is kind of the annoying thing about science is that we're always learning things and you always have to update and change well i used to have a six pack but i'm pretty close to getting an eight-pack, so you're going to have to add a couple new chapters there.

Yeah, there'll be a revised edition released, you know. Is that possible? You can just add, I mean, you're adding more abs? Well, it's not new muscles, but they're newly visible. Wow. But I wonder if guys have eight, is it two that are really low that are popping out, or is it two that are up high?

Is eight the max, you think? It's got to be the max. You can't just keep stacking. Personally, my morals, I think I would never go more than eight. I think it's kind of weird. You don't want to show off. How are you guys doing on those heatos?

Pretty good. Well, I'm getting to the point where I could almost take a break and have another round. Woo! More mint forward than I would have guessed. It's funny because I'm impressed with mint and its ability to stand out. There wasn't too many leaves.

No. We didn't muddle them too hard. No, it's not as strong. It's just that's what the main flavor is. Where did you get this mint, Tim? Albertson's on Hillhurst, and it was that fancy mint that still has some dirt on the bottom. It's living mint. I was going to say like,

because you can get some mints probably from places that just don't have that taste. I'll tell you what else. I'm getting a little bit swayed by the smell and when I take a sip, I'm breathing the mint. It's a full body experience.

I have the mint on my hands. Plus I did some pushups so I've also got grass in my mouth. Maybe not as limey as I would like because I'm such a lime freak. Oh, let's take this. Speaking of grass, I do want to take this opportunity to thank Neil for stopping mowing the lawn

for us to do this. Yeah, I was going to... Oh. That would be bad for the audio if I started probably. Probably. Don't pick that. That'd be good. Oh, and by the way, speaking of mint, if anyone has Amazing Spider-Man number one mint condition, they're willing to sell it on the cheap to me i'd love that good anyone listening reach out to uh at

is that correct no that would actually be my email address that you've given away they don't know what yeah reach out to his email address. Neil or Dude is my online thing. Folks, email us personally and let us know. If you're serious, email Neil. If you're not serious, you can mess around on Instagram. I'm Neil or Dude. Now, look, I haven't – I occasionally will do an Instagram, but I haven't – No, Neil, you've got to get on Twitter because that's where there's Linda Underwood. You know what?

I will. As an old man, what I will do is sometimes type into my browser the URL, twitter.com slash Tim Kalpakis, which is where Linda Underwear seems to post from. Right, she uses Tim's account. And I'll catch up on many laughs. That's what you do. If you want to check out Linda Underwear, go to www.twitter.com slash Tim Kalpakis. That's where you'll find her.

That's where I go. That's where I direct my browser. Well, how do? Ding, ding. Ding, ding, everybody. Folks, we'll're back. Fresh mojitos in hand, round two. Round two, what are you going to do?

I did a big splash of rum in there. Made it a little too strong. Not as good as round one. Yeah, I eyeballed this one. And follow the directions on this one, folks. Yeah, I eyeballed it, but it did it perfectly. Oh, okay. I just poured water in mine.

I made one of my classic mistakes where the nozzle of the bottle missed my glass and kind of went between the cheeks. And then I was doing a cartwheel. And then glug, glug, glug. You're always finding yourself in that situation. I hate it. We've lost so many bottles to that thing,

that weird thing that happened. What's that thing? Oh, Jeff, I'm ready to review. Mike wants to review. Are you guys ready to review? So am I. I'm ready. You wanted to know when I was ready, and I am.

Michael, why don't you kick it off? Final thoughts. Mike, kick it off. Final thoughts for me? I like this. I like the one Tim made here. Am I going to order it again? I think I'm going for a gin and tonic instead.

It's very gin and tonic-esque. And if given the choice, I'm taking the G&T. Damn, Neil, what do you have to say to that? I would order this in a specific circumstance. I would order it. Appointment only. Like poolside somewhere, but I wouldn't necessarily get this out at a bar or something like that. But it's very tasty.

It's just that's the circumstance I would drink it. Poolside's good because even if you were like in the hot direct sun it is a nice bubbly club soda drink that i could imagine you're not gonna want to i was me and jessica were at a hotel recently and i saw a guy having a dirty martini with olives by the pool at 2 p.m like hot sun beating down on him he was wearing a black t-shirt black jeans dress shoes and drinking a martini. And I wanted to go up to him and say, it's California, baby. Come on. Was he like laying down in a lounge chair?

It wasn't your accountant, was it? Yeah. No, he was meeting up with his wife's parents and seemed to be like maybe the wife's parents were meeting their baby for the first time. Okay. Great. That type of a scene. Did he have, did he have a martini glass?

Yeah. Cause it was from the hotel. Okay. Cause I went to, I was at the airport coming here and I got a martini at the bar and it came in like a regular like Cox glass. And it was just like, eh,

it's not the same. No. By the way, if you wanted my final thoughts on this episode mm-hmm I think you guys the experiment with guests has been good but you got to go back to no more guests you you're saying you hate this yeah I'm ruining this you gotta go yes what about slop in your backyard no you gotta have that contest regularly.

Yes. Just don't give away pride. Yeah, a person can just look through the sliding glass door. Yeah, slop through your glass door is what we'll do from now on. I have another rounder. I like it. I think I like it even more than these guys because I like a nice weak drink. I'm learning that I like the long drink.

We learned it in the first episode, right? A long drink has club soda pile on top. I used to think I liked only those stiff little martinis and stuff. But now I think I like having a slow sipper. You want a hard refreshment. I want a hard refreshment. You know what this drink reminded me of, too, is very similar to that Brazilian drink, the Caipirinha.

You ever had one of those? Very good. Well, you should do it on the pod. Something to do on the pod. Jeff, you're being awfully quiet over there. What do you think? I think you nailed it with it's a hard refresher. It's an order again for me.

Oh, yeah. It's not appointment only, but I'm not going to get a bunch of these. If you got a DeLorean headed back to 2005, I'll drink as many as you want. Back when it was the cool one. When Paris Hilton served them out on the red carpet. When you say DeLorean, are you referring to Back to the Future or are you just like, that's just the type of car you like? Any DeLorean.

I think they all travel. They all do that. 88 times an hour. What the hell is that movie all about? 88 frames per second, I think he was saying. Oh.

The 2005 of it all, after drinking it, it didn't taste like that to me. I thought if this was like a pre-made Bacardi already mixed mojito, that would taste more like the Paris Hilton type of drink we were talking about. But this was- What's the difference? Just the lime juice? Just in general, this didn't feel dated to me like it was some sweet, embarrassing drink. I used to roll my eyes at the idea of mojito

just because it was so overplayed. So in. But you're watching Crash. Yeah, you're watching Crash. I'm sure Paul Haggis was slobbing these down as he wrote them. Yeah, you're like, oh, am I going to lose Best Director to Ang Lee? I think I might leave this

Church of Scientology after I'm done writing this. Well, folks, that's the mojito. You guys want to read some mail? Do we ever. Come on. Hey, this one comes to us straight from the winner. The contest winner. You also picked my email? Yes, yes. Unrelated, we also picked your email. Big week for you, Neil.

This is a two-parter. Great. Hey, sloppy boys. I want to hear part one first. Yeah, we also picked your email. Big week for you, Neil. This is a two-parter. Great. Hey, Sloppy Boys. I want to hear part one first. Yeah, we'll start with that. Don't make this a memento thing. That's the order I wrote it in. This isn't a Pulp Fiction situation.

Right, right. Well, let me flip a coin, and we'll see which side we begin with. Oh, good point. We're going to start with part one. Yes. Hey, Sloppy Boys, I'm a huge fan. Two questions for you. Yeah, we know.

We know, Neil. As a fan of the live concert experience, I love seeing how bands open their shows. Oh. When they decide for the lights to come up, if they start with a banger or a mood setter, et cetera. Some highlights for me include Yeah Yeah Yeah's Runaway in Pomona in September 2009.

Oh. Badlands by Springsteen at LA Sports Arena in April 2009. Yeah, baby. And Sleep the Clock Around by Bell and Sebastian at Hammerstein Ballroom in New York City on May 5th, 2002. Okay. What's your favorite way to open a live Sloppy Boy show? And do you have any memories of favorite openers you've seen live?

Ooh, this is really good, Neil. You know what when when quest when the question first started even part one of the question my brain was good immediately going to one you then said Badlands Bruce opening with Badlands come on that's such a what a treat you're like you think that you're gonna get that as an encore and then the first thing here is Badlands now I was at that show that was a mind-ower and that was did i go to that or did i go to one at uh the staples center you tried to get into that they wouldn't let you i didn't have a ticket that's what i heard i heard you had a ticket i didn't want i didn't want to rip it up i was like i want to put this in a frame

it's my first bruce concerts um that's my favorite and then my favorite way to open a sloppy boy show is with a when we gotta do that r&b uh kind of uh blues review hey how's everybody doing and then we go into the first song from that well yeah that is fun to like name the band it's kind of then we stop down of go into it. Let's party, usually. I like, well, before we get on stage, we're usually coming out to Hip to be Square by, his name is? Huey.

Huey Lewis of the News. Thank you, Neil. Huey. So glad to have you here on the pod. Oh, yeah. It's funny, though, that type of entrance stuff. I feel like when you do sketch comedy, the guys in

the booth are really on board for like okay so you want to slow fade in we'll do this like you know we'll bring you out the way that you you envisioned because this is theater and then i feel like a lot of these uh booth guys are great with the audio and the instruments and stuff but then like if you throw anything you ask them to do anything for you, they're kind of like, what do you want? Or just anything that you say is wrong. Even if you say the correct thing, they're like, what? Hip to be square. Because I do remember asking a guy in the booth, like, hey, when we come out, can we walk out to Hip to be Square by Huey Lewis?

And he was like, what? And I was like, do you have like Spotify or Apple Music or anything? he was like, what? And I was like, do you have Spotify or Apple Music or anything? He's like, yeah. I was like, could you play Hip to Be Square by? And he was like, yeah.

He's like, you play the music. I was like, everything I asked, he then did and I didn't have to help him out in any way. But every word that I said felt like it was pissing him off.

Do you want it to sound crystal clear? Play it through the amp. I remember at UCB, there was, the stage is not large. And after you've done 400 shows there, you understand the dimensions of it. But they always have sort of these blue work lights on. But I would always say, don't even put the work lights on. I think it's cooler if the lights just come up and we're all on stage and the audience didn't see us set ourselves in the blue lights.

Totally. That was always my special request. And hey, that just made for a great podcast. I'll tell you, one time I went to, this is probably 2008, I went to a fish cover band at the Whiskey A Go-Go named Chum. Chum was the name of the band. Right before the show starts, we get the light, I run in, whoever I was with, I turn to them

and say, punch you in the eye opener, bam, punch you in the eye opener. I had it right there, baby. Did you have a secret in? Did you have a leak? I knew the band. You knew of the band's music. Now, Mike, there was another time you were at a fish show and they started with, Wilson. I've called that opener before, too. Do you always call

the opener? I like to, whoever I'm with, be like, hey, what do you think the opener's gonna be? That's cool. And they're like, please stop talking, because we didn't want you to come. Oh, you don't know how you got a ticket? When I was in college, in Iowa City, I saw now the... Sorry, Neil, I gotta cut you off. There's a hummingbird perched on a wire

out here. You rarely see a hummingbird stop. It's coming at us. We're talking Iowa City. I'm dating my kind of first ever... Maybe second. We'll go second girlfriend. Is it getting hot in here?

And Fish, the drummer, he has maybe a side project. Fishman. Fishman. Mandolin project? John Fishman's mandolin project? Would they have been performing? At a college, probably.

20-some years ago? Yeah, I think so. I think so. She's into Fish. John Fishman's jazz mandolin project? Could be. All right. Well, you're telling the story.

Well, I don't remember the name of the band, but, fellas, this was the name of the band, but fellas, this was the first time I ever, and also probably the last time, I was at a concert where a girl wanted to stand in front of me and have me put her arms around her. And sort of positioned and made me do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, okay, this is how you hang out at a concert.

And I had my arms wrapped around her in front, and I was like, okay, this is how you like hang out at a concert. And I had my arms wrapped around her in front. And I was like, I have a girl. Are we going to do this the whole concert? Now, Neil, what concert was it? There was an infamous concert where some hair touched you. That was Mazzy Star at the Wiltern. Some weird hair touched you? No, I was like, I was seeing Mazzy Star at the Wiltern. I was very excited? No, I was like, I was seeing that

at the Wiltern. I was very excited for the show and I was there alone and I was enjoying it. There's a girl with long hair kind of near me and kind of kept swaying and her hair just kept touching my bare arm and it just grossed me out so much. I went into work at Bang Bang the next day

and told everyone like, oh, this girl's hair. I had to leave early and the hair touched me. It's like when Hanford's night was ruined when we saw the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Oh, my God. My life was threatened. Mike, I had the night of my life at the Fonda being like, what a great show. Seeing this band as they're peaking, you know, it was like their first album. And then at the end of the show, reconvened with Mike and he was like some guy was gonna kill me he just kept turning around and

sneering at me what are you doing i just kind of like kept my eye out for him yeah damn but we were close to the stage now jeff what about you i'll tell you this i've seen maybe a hundred concerts i couldn't tell you an opener what ah dude stone couldn't tell you an opener. What? Dude, stone. Couldn't tell you. I'll tell you the one I remember is Kanye West, Hollywood Bowl. Say You Will. The only reason I know he started with that is because he was only playing 808s and Heartbreak that night.

Wait, how does Say You Will go? Doom, doom, doom. Doom, doom, doom, doom, boom. Boom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, There you have it. Let's hear part two of the question. Oh, yes. Part two of the question. From the winner, Neil Campbell. I really enjoyed you guys recording at my house,

but unfortunately I'm going to need to replace my plunger. Could you Venmo me for a new one? What the hell are you talking about? Absolutely. Could we Venmo you for a new one? What the hell are you saying? Absolutely. Could we Venmo you? I don't see why we're responsible for that. There's nothing that we did in the bathroom. Nobody has done anything in the bathroom to cause a blockage.

I would love to discuss this off the podcast. Look, that plunger was faulty. It should hold up to 2,000 or 3,000 plungers in a row. Yeah, and what's with you having a faulty plunger here for us? Yeah, that's true. I'd use it once or twice. The thing is, you never use it, so it's cracked. It's dry.

Yeah, you have to keep that thing wet and lubed up. You guys are right. And also, read the waiver you signed. It only has plunger-specific signs. It's nothing else. I'm getting to the point. I don't know if it's the age I'm at or what, but I've been plunging my pee. Well, if you've got a question for the boys, email us at thesloppyboyspodcast at gmail.com.

Out of my dick, yeah, to get it into it. I was going to take that off, Pod. That's our show. Follow us on social media, at The Sloppy Boys, where we release these recipes ahead of time. Also, be sure to check out our Patreon at patreon.com slash thesloppyboys, where you can get our weekly bonus episode, The Sloppy Boys Blowout. Good stuff coming out over there. Damn, good stuff. Just did some cigars this week.

I've got a couple Sloppy Boys pieces of apparel. Well, what do you got? The tuxedo? I've got the tuxedo. I've got the speedo, yeah. The tuxedo and the speedo. Neil Campbell, the first contest winner.

Congratulations on your victory. Sorry to the listeners. I know it's better without a guest. I've ruined this. Tune in again next week. They won't have me on. Thanks for being here. Where can people find you, Neil?

Good luck. Instagram, I check sometimes. We're letterboxed. Where are we? Drop a pin. Oh, physically? Just go to your nearest gym. I'm probably there lifting weights.

You can find him at Equinox, folks. Stealing your girl. Folks, we'll see you next week. Bye. Toot-toot. Give it up for your boys. Give it up for your boys. Give it up for your boys Give it up for your boys

Give it up for your boys