The Sloppy Boys - 66. Illegal

Episode Date: January 21, 2022

The guys make a mysterious mezcal "new era" drink that has no history whatsoever. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey folks, welcome to the sloppy boys where we take a deep dive into the drinks that you love. I'm Jeff Dutton along with Mike Hanford. Hello, and Tim Kalpakis. What is up? And we are your hosts of the third best comedy podcast on Earth. Wow. Wow. Earth's a pretty big, there's a lot of podcasts out there. Mm-hmm. And to be number three in the U.S. On this globe? Not just the U.S., the world.

I mean, it's humbling. Don't you guys feel humbled? Like bowled over by it. Uh-huh. Yeah. It's grumbling, too. I'm hungry. So I was a little late to the pod here today, and I have to tell you why.

So you saw that the viewers saw, or the listeners saw, that we posted a picture of Bart Simpson the other day. It was from Niece of the Podcast. Tig Hanford made that. She drew it herself. I think she said she paused a YouTube clip and drew it from that, which I thought was pretty good. I told her when we posted it that clip and drew it from that, which I thought was pretty good. I told her when we posted it that we were going to post it,

and she was excited about that. So she called me just now and asked how it was doing. So what are the numbers like? What are we dealing with? I said, I'll tell you. I'll tell you. You did really well. I said, Twitter, you got 173.

And she says, hold on. I got to go to write this down. And she ran into a room. I had explained that I'm on a time crunch here, and I'm going to get a little late for the podcast. So she went to her room. And I was like, but Instagram was 636. She's like, whoa, hold on. So she's writing like Instagram.

And I said, how do you spell Instagram? She's like, what do you put for that? I said, just Insta, write that. She's like, okay. And then she wrote all of Instagram and spelled it wrong and we had to go through that for a little bit. And then, yeah, it was just back and forth. She was like, wow. I was like, that's pretty good. She's like, yeah,

that's pretty good. All right, well thanks. She's taking down the numbers. Tig's relationship to the internet is kind of like my parents. Sort of like a phone call to find out how something's doing on social media and then write it down with a pencil. Actually, I think my brother had maybe showed her Twitter because when I told her the Twitter number, she's like,

yeah, I just saw that. See, Tig is an artist, though. She doesn't need to be concerned with like the metrics so much as just getting Bart Simpson's butt cheeks just so. It's just funny to me to think like I'm assuming that was just on a loose piece of like computer paper that's now just she's got it's not in any type of book that thing's on the fridge baby yeah yeah maybe i mean those numbers at some point might need to be updated too yeah i'll i'll keep i'll keep her uh abreast she get her some ticker tape look i don't want to speak too soon but we haven't done a t-shirt in a while okay it'd It'll be pretty good.

Fashion is back in style. That's a good one. And the proceeds will go to her college fund. Yeah, that's a great idea. Harvard only. Harvard only. If she doesn't get in, we give the money back. Isn't there an Instagram account called Bootleg Bart?

Yeah, or a website or something. Huh. I've seen something of that wow any minute now they'll be plucking it up I love that bootleg Bart t-shirt that says don't have a box new instead of don't have a cow man

the translation don't have a box new that's true but yeah I try not to have a box new yeah I think on Bart's request hey can we That's true. But yeah, I try not to have a box new. Yeah. I think on Bart's request. Hey, can we address one little thing before we go on to booze news?

Oh, boy. Yep. Michael with the haircut looking fresh. Okay. This is a good look. Thank you very much. Oh, my goodness. I got my haircut at a place with a pun name. It was called Shear something.

I forget what it was. I needed a haircut, and I said, I got an open day here Saturday. Nothing's going on. Look at me go. I walk in. This lady cuts my hair, and she kept, you know, she was, like, doing a good job. But she kept, like, cutting the back a little bit, and I, like, nodded, and she was like, that's good? Okay.

Because if a person doesn't tell me, I will keep forever we can't get it back yeah i don't like that uh when when uh a hair cutter gets chatty and then they just sort of go into autopilot and keep cutting and keep yeah yeah keep cutting we weren't chatting it was it was very difficult to like understand each other with the masks on it's a lot of pressure for a stylist when when someone with long hair like i feel like like you or these days jeff with the long hair i feel like you go you go into a barbershop and you sit down and it it kind of throws them for a loop because they're like okay you've got long hair i'm gonna go shorter than it is but not all the way to i'm not breaking out the shears and doing the clippers like I do with Tim

Kalpakis. I got to find some sort of middle ground and get snippy. Anytime I've gone into a, you know, barber salon or something, there's usually a short conversation about what the plan is. I know that you communicate and the, Hey, that's great. You're talking it through, but you know what i mean about men's haircuts yeah most most styles of men's haircuts are short or long and when you're a long hair guy going in for a haircut that barber doesn't know what they're gonna hear they're yeah right it's it's my i do a lot of i do a lot of i like the length just clean it up

which usually translates into a shorter haircut but but they're not going like shaving the backs. Because they always go a little too far. Right. Now, Mike, also you. It's a little bit of a mullet kind of, which I don't like. When you get your haircut shorter, because I sort of see you with two different haircuts. Tim, you know what I'm talking about. There's sort of like shorter hair, Mike, and then longer hair, Mike.

But you don't maintain either. You go short and you let it grow to long and then you cut go short and you let it grow it along and then you cut it short and you let it grow along so you sort of plan on like a nice three and a half inches coming in well uh we're still talking about my haircut jeff like you in the bedroom hey the bedroom hey you plan on three and a half inches coming in I was just leaving What was I saying Yeah the haircut I think she probably took all told

An inch and a half off This is a good cut Mike You look like Peak Kevin Costner Wow Huge compliment. Huge compliment for a guy. I'm talking Bull Durham, baby.

Tin cup. The postman. The postman himself. Bull Durham. And Robin Hood. Prince of Thieves, not. No. Men in tights. Men in Thieves, not... No. Men in Tights.

Men in Tights, no. There was another Robin Hood that came out like three years ago with Eggsy from Kingsman, which I love. Eggsy! I think it was the worst movie ever made, so they say. I think Hollywood wildly overestimates the appeal of Robin Hood and Peter Pan. They're always doing Peter Pan. I never care. There's a lot of Peter Pan reimaginings.

You know what I bet it is? I bet it. You know how like Sony or Fox, Sony or Fox has to make a Spider-Man movie every bunch of years or else they lose the rights to it? Really? That's the same deal. That's why we get so many of the fucking peter park that that was the deal way back like during the toby's and the um

garfields they might have renegotiated now that spider-man's a cash cow did you see the new spider-man yes oh did you like it uh yeah i i mean i like did i still have the same problem with it that i got with a lot of the marvel stuff did you uh i saw yeah i actually took the uh the nephews and niece to it and my mom was with us too and uh i was like trying to explain some stuff to her and she was she was like i don't know a lot of that stuff either i was like okay and she was laughing at how like complicated it was. And they're like, we need to get the block crystal from this universe. And she was like, yeah, that's funny.

This movie assumes a deep familiarity with many Spider-Man movies. Yeah. I had to explain. I was like, those are other Spider-Mans from other movies that actually existed before this. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. But I will say all the, all the comedy in the, in the movie worked for my mom.

She loved it. Hmm. Oh, great. Great. Great. Um, a little weepy,

I would say this movie long at the end and long, long getting out. Um, did you hear, you know what a Jack Nicholson's, uh, take was on return of the King? What?

Have you heard this? Lord of the Rings 3? Yeah. Elijah Wood ran into Nicholson in the bathroom after the screening for Return of the King. And they were like, what do you think? And he was like, too many endings, man. I mean, that movie really is an hour of endings. Nicholson knows his film.

I always think it's weird with these, especially with superhero movies and stuff, like the number one critique of movies, right? Even when people are wrong, the number one thing people say is, this movie was too long, or I got bored because the movie's too long. And then the studio, it's like do you know

why they do it why streaming it does better internationally longer movies do better internationally yes for whatever reason like uh so that's why all those like big blockbuster movies are all like 245 interesting if we could crack the code on the international market, I bet we'd do much better. They're just trying to kill more time in a movie, I guess, or their movies, they're used to longer movies.

Mm-hmm. I just think it's funny. Usually you're like trying to keep the budget down and the easiest way to cut $100 million from a budget would be to lose half an hour of film. Yeah.

But it's this international market. Of course. Damn. How are's this international market. Of course. Damn. How are the Sloppy Boys doing internationally? That's what I was just saying. We got to figure this out a little better. Not so good, too. Only one of us knew this whole thing about the movies.

Well, I know we got one person in Australia, and one person we got Miranda in the UK. London, England. I hopped on a Zoom with some of our Patreon patrons recently, and I heard accents from around the globe. Really? Yep. Wow.

Must have been like Epcot Center in there, huh? Yeah, pretty much. Like the Small World ride. Well, we're kind of at a standstill here. You know what i don't like about the discord uh the discord has their own whole thing right and maybe we should save this for the blowout but i'm gonna sound off they're always like oh come on join the discord uh we're doing a zoom we're doing a zoom room and then i look at the screen grabs and there's always one or two people sleeping on there so how exciting can this thing be well that's because they go i think they go all night they're they're maniacs and if you main pod

listeners don't know discord it's like a your private little reddit just for talking about the sloppy boys and it's very cool and if you subscribe to our patreon you get access to it but it's a whole world like they've become such friends. Like, they don't care about the Sloppy Boys anymore on there. And when they're on their Zooms, I hop in like, hey, everybody, it's me from the pod. They don't give a flying fuck. I did. They're like, they exchange gifts and they're involved in each other's lives.

There's real friendships. It's bigger than some stupid booze podcast. A bunch of the Patrons came to the Chicago show and had never met each other before in real life. They did Secret Santa where they mailed gifts to each other. Really? Somebody should do a documentary on.

And that's not to say, if you're like, I don't know if I want to be a Patron and now it feels like, oh, that's alright, don't think. They bring people in all the time. I've seen it happen before. It's a very welcoming community, except for us. If we try to get in there, they kind of boot us up. Yes.

Not a lot of people like me in there, and they've let me know. Somebody, oh, on Twitter the other day, somebody, you know, right before where we posted the shrub, the New York shrub, which calls for balsamic vinegar. Vinegarette. No vinegar. And, you know, somebody wrote, oh, I can't wait to see what, at Mike Hanford, how he struggles with the balsamic.

Well, guess what? I did it pretty damn well, and I enjoyed the drink. Damn. Tell him, Mike. It's a funny thing to be angrily yelling that you enjoyed a nice cocktail. It was just delicious in perfect balance. It's not so funny to me, Tim. Oh, I'll tell you, I had another

big one of those after the pod, because Mookie came over. Little Mookie B? And I said, hey, let me make you a shrub. Oh, yeah. And I was like, well, I'll make myself another large shrub as well. And, oh, boy. They're spicy and they get on top of you.

I'll tell you that. They're spicy, but they're not so nice-y after a while. They'll get you. Oh, they'll get you. Well, that's pretty good for a shit chat, right? That's good for the episode. I say fade out. That's our show.

Check us out online. We're the Sl online with sloppy boys give it up for your boy seeing us through all the way to the end you know what i wanted to mention um i'll say it up top so then people can keep it in mind at the end but mike you you're saying you get some flack from people and you wanted to set something straight i haven haven't gotten flack about this, but I just want to preemptively say, if anyone out there thinks that I can't write a good counter melody on the organ,

listen to the song at the end of our show, and that's me on organ going, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- and it's pretty cool so eat shit shut up ahead of time just in case all y'all and with that yeah let's get into some hit it There once was a show from three men's three. The theme of the show was a little boozy. The news flipped up and drinks slipped down. Oh, blow full of body boys, blow. Soon may the sloppy boys come to sing a flannel whiskey and rum. One day when the newsin' is done, we'll share final thoughts with thee.

Would you call me crazy if I said it had a tobacco finish? Yeah, I would call you crazy. I'm like, I said, I'm crazy. Right down from the yellow bird tree. I'm scoping the chickens. Just checking out real cool chickens. I'm clapping. It's Booze News, you shanty dogs.

Okay. Wow. Was that an original? Was that 100 gecks? Yeah. I wish. That was Slophead Nick Andrews. And if you have a Booze News theme, send it to thesloppyboyspodcast at gmail.com.

Where do you think Andrews is from? That sounded like a... Sounded like he's from the Seven Seas. Yeah, sea shanty kind of thing. Damn. That also had a little... Something about that sea shanty thing gives me this Eastern European flavor. Like, you know that song, big TikTok song that's on the charts that's like,

flair like you know that song that was a big tiktok song that's on the charts it's like begging begging you to put your little lungs around me baby you guys know that one oh oh oh is there a male singer uh yeah i think i do know um there's lots of times like a hit by i'll listen to a pop song and say this just has a little a little you know a little bolshevik in it you know yeah interesting that's good but that particular song is a cover of frankie valley and the four seasons oh oh begging begging you is it the whole song or did they interpolate a little section it's like full-on cover it's weird it's just like they covered a song and then had a monster when you look at the hot 100 you don't see bands and this band whatever they're called like it's like one word starts with an m let's say moleskin um sure they're like the only band on the on the on the charts but it's all because of tiktok man

i'm not on tiktok and i gotta be we all gotta be let's be honest that's where all the eyeballs are mike you gotta be there or you're gonna be left behind no i'm on periscope no no no no i'm we should get our songs on there how do we get our songs on there how do we become the big hit are they on there now i don't know well we don't jeff you said you're not on tiktok so you don't know for all you know you finally sign up and it's all one big sloppy boys love this wall-to-wall sloppy boys oh my god okay top story in booze news. Guess who's getting into the alcohol malt beverage game, guys? Fresca.

Oh, that makes sense. We've done this shit so many times. It's just like you can say whatever you want. And Fresca is maybe the least interesting thing you could have said. It's a partnership between corona brewer constellation brands and coke uh that don't they didn't even say the the the flavors yet but you know we know that when we did the paloma you're allowed to use any grapefruit soda you want and fresca is one of the popular ones so and then i think andy cohen mixes on on uh watch what happens live he drinks frequila fresca and tequila uh so like fresco is just like okay you guys are doing this anyway

we're gonna crank one out i wonder if cohen's got his hand in some of this he's a savvy businessman cohen used our favorite term by the way uh back a few weeks ago ago When he got too drunk during the New Year's Eve thing He said he was over served Oh that's funny He's good I thought he had a technicolor yawn Well that's good for them Here's what I'll say about Fresca

I do not like Fresca The first sip of Fresca is good And then the second sip you start getting that NutraSweet Now you gotta get yourself a fever tree Are Fresca is good, and then the second sip, you start getting that NutraSweet. Now, you got to get yourself a fever tree. Are Fresca and Squirt the same thing? Yeah. No. I mean, they're two different sodas.

But attempting to be what? Grapefruit soda. Two different grapefruit sodas. Squirt's way better. And even Diet Squirt is better than Fresca. Squirt. But Fresca has its weird cult following. Like, I think of it as Judge Smales in Caddyshack is like,

want a Fresca? Mmm. So I always thought it was like... Hoity-toity? You know, or like, yeah, like a crusty old guy drink. But I don't really think that that's what they intended. I think it was meant to be a slim supermodel drink. And then the other booze news I had was just on a similar topic.

These are all coming from the slopheads. That one was given to me by Little Latin Lupe. And now from our buddy Dan Padley, slophead, he said that PBR just launched a line of higher THC cannabis drinks. So PBR had like a cannabis, a cannabis seltzer from PBR that was like, neither did I, but it was like low. It was like five milligrams of THC and nothing.

It was selling well. So they put out 10 milligrams. So you're going to get high when you drink this mango or raspberry or strawberry, Kiwi or pineapple. We talked about this with Gabrus, I think. He was telling us about this. It's like one beer is equal to like one gummy, let's say.

If it's, yeah. Where are people getting these? This is an article from Thrillist. And it makes it sound like. Thrillist. Thrillist, and it makes it sound like me. Thrillist. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Thrillist. Wow, I'm seeing them. Pabstlabs.com.

Pabstlabs.com. I've never actually toured the Pabstlabs myself. No. Is that when Dre and Eminem are talking about being in the lab with a pen and a pad, is that what they're talking about? The path labs? Yeah, definitely. Trying to get this damn label off.

Jeez. Okay, you're up to date on all the malt beverages. Mike, did you have some booze news? Yes, mine is less news. I'm introducing a new segment to booze news. Oh. It's called Hanford's Hobbies.

Every time I see it fit, if I'm doing something or watching something I like or reading a book I like or I've got some new culinary excitement in the kitchen, I will bring it up in Hanford's Hobbies. Like if you're adding broccoli to your spaghetti.

Yeah, something I'm just into Yeah, so it's not like booze related So sort of like within It could be And it's not news really either No, it's just the people The ACAS people wanted me to sort of They said you gotta get your

Personal life out there a little more I can't believe they go over me and Jeff's heads And they go straight to you with this shit Yeah, it's funny They said, you know, you're a charismatic guy personal life out there a little more. I can't believe they go over me and Jeff's heads and they go straight to you with this shit. Yeah. It's funny. They said, you know, you're a charismatic guy, but you don't do anything. So this is like a segment within a segment.

We'll have to like wrap up that thing and then wrap up Booze News. Okay. Yeah. And I told him too, I said, well, you know, the Booze News movie reviews did not go over well with these guys. Some of the listeners loved it, but these guys did not love it and uh they said just try it just try it out so go ahead jeff you can play the theme song great okay

it's time for Hanford's Habbies I forgot to tell you guys Damn I meant to say this ahead of time I got a celebrity guest to do the theme Who was that? It was Hank Hill Oh yeah okay Well I mean Mike Judge did it

But he did it in the style of Hank Hill Yeah That's so cool That's cool you did that Well, I mean, Mike Judge did it, but he did it in the style of Hank Hill. Yeah. That's so cool. Yeah, he did. That's cool you did that. Okay. Here's my first Hanford hobby of the week. I'm not going to do this weekly.

Whenever I see it fit. This first one is I'm watching the show Southside. Have you ever seen the show Southside? No. Oh, I've heard great things. I heard great things too, and I didn't know about it. It started in 2019 on Comedy Central,

the first season, and then the second season came on 2021 on HBO Max. Now both seasons are HBO Max. But it is, I saw Mike DiCenzo had tweeted about it because he used to work with the creators at Fallon, and the creators are named. I want to, hold on, just get,

Diallo Riddle, Bashir Salahuddin, and Sultan Salahuddin are the creators, and they're all in it, in the show. But they were Fallon writers. They're just comedy writers, and it's about these two friends who work at a rent to own sort of like a repo place in south uh south side chicago it is so funny it makes me laugh out loud i'm laughing out loud watching this nice damn south side i can't believe i can't believe when i when i somebody

was like oh there's a great show out and i was like yeah okay i'll watch it and then i'm actually like really in love with it. See, I hear good things about that show, but I hear good things about a lot of shows and then I watch them and I'm like, I don't know if I trust that person anymore. But now you're telling me my boy's telling me it's good? I mean, this is a special segment

was sort of designed around this show. Now, Mike, this show sounds great. I'm going to check it out. I appreciate the recommendation, but it's a recommendation. I don't think that you called this segment Hanford's Hobbies, and you're saying that your new hobby

is watching Southside on TV? No, hobby is just in place of interest. I'm just trying to get the alliteration of Hanford's Hobbies. It's not like, oh, this week I'm making my own fly fishing lures. If you made your own fly fishing lures, that would be

fantastic. Okay, but I'm telling you, a comedy writer who loves laugh out loud comedy about a comedy show. Wait, you're talking to an Emmy nominated comedy writer? That's right. Two time WGA nominee? That's the one I was getting for. You're talking to an Emmy-nominated comedy writer? That's right. Two-time WGA nominee? That's the one I was getting for.

You're talking to the guy who wrote the big joke in the Obama ferns? That's right. This is crazy. One of Zach's favorites, I'm told. And I got a plaque from Funny or Die? This is crazy. So this Southside, watch Southside. It's super funny.

It's also very low budget, so that's got some fun charm to it. Maybe not very low budget, but low budget. Good. Okay, that's Southside. Now, my other Hedford hobby is a song I've been listening to a lot called Casa de Mel by Brad Goodall. Have you heard of this person? No. No.

There's not much online about him. He put this song, Casa de Mel, out in 2017. It came up in my Spotify list, my discoveries. It's about this guy who, he's playing a little organ, you know, and he's house-sitting for his friend. And it's very funny. Okay. What's his name?

The artist's name? Brad Goodall. Brad Goodall. You can find him on Spotify or YouTube. Brad Goodall. He looks like a, I think he's from West Virginia or something, more of a southern state. But it looks like a Brooklyn hip guy.

Southern man. That's right. So, yeah, that's sort of what I'm into media-wise these days. Hanford Hobbies Corner was just sort of a media. Hanford Hobbies Corner now? Oh, just that one time when I said it. It's not. Yeah.

I think what's cool, just an aside to Jeff here. Jeff, I think it's cool when or just an aside to jeff here jeff i think it's cool when hanford hobbies is like with hanford like you know the guy on the he's he's jokes around the pod maybe sometimes he makes the drinks wrong you know but we don't we don't really know the guy behind the guy you know yeah and now thanks to hanford's hobbies i feel like i see what he's up to what what interests him the real guy not the not the kind of plaid facade. Well, I'm glad you said that, Tim. That's exactly

what the ACAS people said, and they were looking for, you know, they like the goofball, but they want to get a little deeper into him. Yeah. I like seeing him with his guard down like that. Yeah. Because I could have said these two things that I'm enjoying and you would have said,

you're a fool, you're a, you know, dingus, rube. Yeah, you're a maniac. You gotta be stopped.

You know, you're a bit of an ignoramus. Good. Yes. So this was great. I'm going to wrap up my little segment here and then Jeff,

you can wrap up the whole segment. So here it is. I'm going to wrap up Hanford's Hobbies. Bobby? So that's wrapped up. Okay. Now wrap up Booze News. Yeah, one second.

I gotta get a... Yeah, okay. That's it for Booze News. Nice. Good. nice good there you go i i was just remembering because mike i called you an ignoramus and i was remembering remember we had an old we had an old sketch we did at ucb and the last line i guess this could be the last line of any sketch really but like there was some guy in a sketch being weird and then you were like the uh the straight man and then at the very end of the sketch you were about to walk off stage and you turn around turn back the guy and go you're an ignoramus and then that was the blackout line and we had an idea i don't know but we were like oh man when we get a tv show we should let's end every single sketch with, you're an ignoramus.

Was that Hungry Screenwriter? No. No. I don't think so. I feel like I said it to Chris. He was sitting on a chair like in the middle of the stage. Maybe we were all, was it we were baseball players maybe? You're an ignoramus.

Or we were cops. It was a group sketch, I'll tell you that much. Yeah, yeah. Well, I can't think of it. Well, I'm glad not being able to think of your old sketch titles is not a crime, because we would be under arrest. Today, we're talking about a drink called The Illegal. The Illegal. Oh.

The Illegal. Now, this is a new era drink on the new era list on the IBA. We've jumped back to the IBA. Let me tell you about this drink, first of all. There is... Can you see what I'm doing with my hand here? Goose egg. Goose egg.

Goose egg amounts of information on this drink online uh i was looking it up looking looking it's also very difficult to if you write illegal cocktail recipe like the wikipedia comes up but then you just get a bunch of prohibition uh like right how prohibition works stuff and then you got to get creative like uh recipe for illegal the cocktail and then you finally yes you finally found out there's nothing uh what i did find out i hate ungoogleable this is a thing if you if you start a band or you make a movie or anything you learn to name things words that are googleable but if you too generic, because you could try illegal drink, drink illegal, cocktail, IBA, whatever.

You're going to get a million things. This is too many things. Also, don't name your group the Birthday Boys. You'll get a ton of Google alerts that don't apply to you. Yeah, you get Twitter tags just anytime anyone has a birthday. You got to name your band

Anna Manigucci. Yeah. But see, nobody knows how to spell that. The guys in the band do. I went up to, yeah, I went to even Jack Schramm. I texted Jack Schramm and said, you ever hear this illegal? We're doing it tonight on the pod,

and I can't find anything about it. He said, never had, never heard. Wow. Using the parlance, never heard. Wow. Using the parlance of the pod. Yeah. Wait, I just looked it up on Cocktail Society, and it says The Unknown History. So there's like an article about it. That's what I, yeah, yeah.

That's funny to waste the time. Why write an article just to say you don't know shit? Wait, what are you on there? The Cocktail Society? Yeah, that's what I find. The paragraph is tiny about it. It's basically saying it's under the radar. Nobody knows anything about it.

That's cool. The only interesting fact I discovered is that the illegal cocktail traditionally is served in clay mugs, just like the clay vessels that are also commonly used to drink Posh, an ancient Mayan spirit. And I looked up Posh. It's spelled P-O-X. It's pronounced Posh. And it is from Mexico. It's kind of like tequila in Mexico, I think.

This is so cool because it not having a history kind of invites the mind to fill it in with like a like a you know a real lascivious backstory and it's a cool name i feel like a bit of a bad boy drinking it it's a little it feels redacted like a government document with a bunch of black yeah the drink they won't let you know about yeah Yeah. Let me just finish. And for us, it's a real good. Posh is made of corn and sugar cane, not agave like the other tequilas in Mezcal. Okay, go ahead. Wait, wait, wait.

Posh is the clay mug or Posh is the. Posh, it was a drink. The other drink. An ancient Mayan spirit. Ancient Mayan liquor. From the clay mug. Well, I was just going to say what attracted us to this drink too,

other than getting back on our IBA list and checking off some of the lesser known ones. I like clearing out the liquor cabinet because I've got falernum and I've got maraschino and I'm not using them very much. Tim, that reminds me. I haven't discussed the recipe. Let me do that right now. I was just going to say, let's go make the damn thing. Wow.

I'm glad I reminded you. Yeah, I could have been fucked. Okay. In the illegal 30 milliliters Espadin Mezcal. I have that exact. Is that a brand name? Because I have a little. It must be.

I've got that. It must be. Hell yeah. I've got a different kind. Oh, perfect. That's 30 mill. It must be. Hell yeah. I've got a different kind. Oh, perfect. That's 30 milliliters of the Mezcal. Now, 15 milliliters Jamaican overproof white rum. Got it.

Got it. 15 milliliters Falernum. One bar spoon. What? Got it. I got it, man. All right. Well, I'm assuming you have all these.

Stop. One bar spoon of maraschino lasardo. Got it. I swear, I've got three more ingredients to go here, and if you keep saying it, I will lose my mind. I'm going to hold my gun until the end. Yeah, me too. 22.5 milliliters fresh joie de l'im.

Got it. You've got to say lime juice fresh lime juice well i'm you know i i come from the whole cocktail tradition from like a french angle you know yeah no i know just for our american audience though and then 50 milliliters simple syrup and here's what i don't have few drops of egg white got it and i'm safe here because it's optional. Optional. Yeah. Method. Pour all ingredients into a shaker. Love that. Shake vigorously with ice. Strain into a

chilled cocktail glass or on the rocks, Jeff, in a traditional clay or terracotta mug. Now, I don't have a clay or terracotta mug. I just don't. I got a coffee mug. What's terracotta? I've got tiki mugs you think terracotta is like you know when you see uh tiles on the roof in california those little scoop tiles yeah

it's terracotta now tim look up the uh terracotta war terracotta warriors it's a uh it's an artifact i think out of china it's a this emperor made a bunch of statue warriors to protect him and he made like hundreds of them. Yeah, but you could go on and on about history all night, Mike. We're going to have to cut you off and bring it back to the drink. Now, garnish, I know you want to put all types of lemon twists, and can I maybe put an olive? This is not, this is NA.

That is not acceptable. Not acceptable. Yeah. In this one, that's not acceptable. acceptable if you do it you're out of here you're unaccepted inappropriate yeah even the picture here though looks like it's in sort of a martini-ish type coupe glass so that's what i'm gonna do yeah it's like a cocktail glass i'm going i'm going rocks just because i know my i know you like that yeah you know yourself um wait a second what what's what's the more common way to do it what should i what if i just want to do it

no the cocktail glass no because if if the traditional way was the terracotta mug yeah but you don't have it none of us have it i know but don't you think if you had the mug you'd be having it on the rock so serving it up is more of a variation i'm going rocks glass i don't care what you guys say so you're gonna put you're gonna put rocks in there. Yeah. Yeah. And hey, quick word on this white overproof rum. I searched for like, yeah, I'll get a white overproof rum. No problem. There's got to be a million of them. I Google searched and it's only one brand.

Oh. Is it the one I have? I'd be astonished if we had different brands. I have this one. What do you got? Ray and Nephew. Yeah! I do have that. That's what I got. That's a good looking bottle.

I am doing Bacardi because I couldn't find that. I have dark overproof rum but I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that to you. Well, I'm looking at this motherfucker. This guy, 63% alcohol by volume. So this is 125 know 125 proof yikes it's even got the crazy cap on it like

the safety cap i love that wait what's the proof again 125 ish well don't make this drink by any open flames jeff and let's get to it i'm excited me too folks we'll see you in a jiffy wouldn't want to be you and we're back with illegal cocktails. Yeah. Bad boys. The bad boys of the podcast world. Hey, what was the, um, the type,

the type of mezcal? Espelin. Yeah. Espelin. I had it after all. Hey, and that was the brand name. Uh, Espadin.

S E S P. A I A D I N. Hmm. Seems like something we should know. I think that's a type of agave i like uh getting the egg white in here it this this looks fancy it has a lot of fancy ingredients and i like the opaqueness it's really hard to interpret what a few drops of egg is i yeah egg white i pinched my fingers into a the egg white and just kind of like drip some slime from my fingers and i was how did you do the 22.5 milliliters of uh what was it lime juice lime juice i measured it my boy i guess that's i mean 22.5 I think what they're trying to say is three quarters of an ounce,

right? I mean, two thirds. Two thirds of an ounce. Huh? Yeah, I think I did about that. Espadine is a type of espadine is a type of agave or something. Great. Not a brand. The Luxardo, I gave it a good smell. This is the bitter

stuff or the ashy stuff. Woodsy. It's like bark. Yeah. And what did we use falernum for? Was that a tiki drink? Zombie? Yeah, something tiki.

Episode two, zombie. Yeah. All right. Should we do it? Yep. Let's sip this thing. Listen to my frothy cubes. I went on the rocks and I got...

My froth is on you. I went au naturel. Same here. I went up after all. Those look nice. Sips. Mmm. Ow!

Complicated. Ooh. Mike, why'd you have to go and make things so complicated? It's the illegal. Yep, yep, yep. Okay. You're getting that smoky mezcal. Man, the mezcal really, I mean, it was the most,

it was one of the bigger amounts you put in this thing, but mezcal really cuts through any drink. Yeah, I was really kind of hoping to get more rum and lime, personally. Don't know if I love Mezcal. Same. I think that I like it when I'm drinking it and want to taste it, but it really is a buzzsaw that cuts right through everything else in your drink. And I'm not getting full Lernum or maraschino or

any of that i have like a eggy mine is very limey i'm surprised yours isn't jeff but i'm getting just smoky mezcal lime and egg it's delicious but those other ingredients if you're a slophead light on the cash skip them Yeah. It really is like the mezcal and probably lime I'm tasting the most. Yeah, there's lime, but come on. I was smelling it. I was like, here we go. Another tiki night for J-Man.

No, it's just, well, Jeff, you have the egg in there, right? Yeah, but here's the thing. It was like a few drops of egg white. How do you get a few drops? I was like, I got a the thing. It was like a few drops of egg white. How do you get a few drops? I got a big glob. Is it like you're eating an omelet over there? No, I like it because you know how I like my whiskey sours, Tim.

Globby. I mean, I like this. This is like a mezcal sour. And any opportunity to get that egg white in there it's just it's nice to it's everyone wants to drink a drink and then feel like a weird film on their teeth right because uh yeah you want that kind of squeaky a squeaky film on your teeth yeah you have to like sort of just suck off each tooth but it makes me think anytime you make a marg like not not the mixer kind but like the good margarita we made on here if you could probably put a little bit of the egg white and get this dude this i bet you i would fucking love this

with just tequila instead of mezcal you don't you don't want that smokiness huh no you don't like the lava because if if they had no smokiness i'd be able to taste the other complexities, man. No smokies. Overproof rum plus tequila plus my favorite, lime? Come on. Yeah. Flournum always welcome. Flournum, I couldn't,

I took a sniff of it, but I didn't taste it. I couldn't really get what it was all about. It's kind of clovey. It's like a sweet liqueur that's kind of got a clovey quality to it. Like allspice kind of yeah yeah alright

Jeff I was uh your video was frozen before when we were showing our drinks but yours looks closest to the IBA's look looks almost like a yellow bird wait a second the IBA had a picture I think I ignored it yeah it's kind of like a square coupe glass man I came across a thread on reddit

the other day i'll thread it just shitting on the iba slop heads or or just bartend normal cocktail normal bartenders from like two years ago people just it's a laughing stock what do we do i cancel the pod it is funny like when you go on the site and you've got you know you look at the uh this is just one new thing i've learned that I don't like about this thing. If you go into, let's say, I'm in new drinks, new era drinks, and I go to click on the square of the drink, you can either click on the picture of the drink or the little tiny word under it. If you're in the red, it doesn't work.

Why not make that whole fucking square clickable? If you're in the red, it doesn't work. Why not make that whole fucking square clickable? God, I'm looking at this IBA picture, and I looked at it too quickly before, because it's like a square cocktail glass. I thought it was a rocks glass. I would have strained.

Who is the damn webmaster on this site? This is, I am liking this. Like, as far as mezcal goes, which I'm not the, I like to just, like far as mezcal goes, I like to just sip mezcal neat, and then a lot of times in a cocktail, the cocktails are interchangeable, and they don't matter to me, but because of the egg, this is kind of my favorite mezcal cocktail I've ever had.

I think I like this as much as I can like a mezcal cocktail. How about that? As much as you could like a drink that tastes like cigarettes. Yeah, yeah. I don't understand why there's no history. If this is, the IBA has this listed as a new era drink, so it's a recent invention. So the history should be the easiest thing to track that.

I think that whoever created this was being a little joker and was being like, there's no origin for it, man. It's the illegal oh i think i think that's part of it is that whoever came up with this is intentionally obfuscating you think yeah this person is wiping the internet clean of any type of mention or no like they just sort of precious little drink because who else could wipe the history none but the maker itself do you think that jack shram has is abiding by the code of the bartender by saying he's never heard of it i'll go one step further i bet it fucking is jack yeah yeah you were so close god it was right in front of me

and i just didn't see this is a jack sh. Okay, here's what I wanted to ask you guys. Illegal is the name of the cocktail. Crimes. Illegal activities. Have you guys ever broken the law? What's the worst? What's the biggest crime you ever committed? Well, I'm certainly not going to talk about it here in a public forum.

I think the statutes of limitations are up. Come on. I could have been speeding down the street yesterday. Yeah. Well, you don't have a car, so it wouldn't be your fault if you were. You don't know that. Perhaps I stole it. Oh my god, that's illegal. Alright, I'll

tell a story. Maybe I'll cut it. When I was a mall kid, I Suncoast. That i when i worked at the mall this is a different story at the mall new hampshire this is you at the mall i was with my buddy adam and i stole from the mall a flask and went through the security gates of the store and it went, doop, doop, doop. And my blood went cold. And security came up.

Memory has just a dope. The security came up to me and my friend. And they swarmed my friend. Partially, I suspect now, because he is Colombian. And I am not. You're not. And that was, retrospect that was that was the first time that i was like oh that thing they talk about it's real um and i realized that like i could have run for it or whatever but i reached into my pocket and i said to the security guard

hey guys don't worry about it here you know thinking like this is no big deal and they said you know thinking like this is no big deal and they said stay right here oh the cops are on their way yikes and uh i could have ran and i didn't and i maybe should have and the cops came and i was let out in handcuffs and i was arrested and had to do community service for shoplifting damn dude this is in high school this was a senior year of high school or like right before college. And I remember thinking like it was going to jeopardize my college shit. Oh, yeah. It was stupid and just something you do when you're a teenager for cheap thrills in New Hampshire. And had I not been a white dude, I probably would have had to deal with some actual consequences.

What happened to your friend? He wasn't a part of it. I guess he was an accomplice, if you really think about it. Oh, I see, I see. He did nothing. That was the thing that was shocking to me. I thought the only time that you were arrested and carted away was Slope Day at Ithaca when you stepped off of the lawn. We've seen pictures of you

being led away by the police. That's a good pick, yeah. That was an arrest, though, was it? No. Didn't they sit you down in the electric chair? Yeah, they made an example of me. But they threw me in the paddy wagon with all the other ne'er-do-wells.

I had that feeling the other day. I can say paddy wagon, by the way. I'm Irish. Keep going, Mike. Oh, that's what that... Okay. Oh, the stealing thing. Yeah, I was in a store the other day,

and I was like, by like the candy area, I was like, I could... How hard would it be to put this in my pocket and leave? And then I just kept thinking like, what a stupid thing that would be if I did that and got caught I'd have to be like I don't know

I don't even really want candy but I could pay for it, sorry It's all fun and games until you hear that doop doop doop I also feel like there's more security better security cameras and stuff these days Probably, yeah Everything's digital I just feel like there's more security, better security cameras and stuff these days.

Probably, yeah. Well, everything's digital. Timothy, your greatest crime? Well, I don't know if it's my greatest crime, but you know which one I just was thinking of because I was cracking my egg for my drink? I remembered a stupid move I made where I was a kid and it was Halloween and me and my friends were going out bombing. So we had toilet paper and, uh, eggs, uh, and shaving cream. And we did the thing where you, you, you put a pin into the shaving cream thing and then you hold a lighter underneath it you melt the shaving cream spout so that it's really thin so that it'll shoot shaving cream farther because it was a small you want a smaller hole so it'll spray crazy anyway in the middle of one of those uh i'm in showkin new york and being a little bad boy and then me and my friend i've got like a bunch of

being a little bad boy and then me and my friend i've got like a bunch of you know paraphernalia of uh for for the shaving room and stuff anyway i've got two eggs in my back pockets one egg on each cheek in jean pockets and then this is not this is not me even getting in trouble this is just a cop sees me and my friends and stops i was like hey you guys uh what are you doing and then he he gets out and comes and starts talking to us and i was like oh man i got two eggs in the back in my back pockets um i don't i don't want this guy to like if he searches me he'll feel these eggs if he frisks me he'll feel these eggs in my back pockets so instead of like pulling them out of my pockets and throwing them into the woods or something i reach back with two hands and i slap my butt jeans with my two hands smashing the eggs inside my jeans pockets i don't know why i did it you

panic so then you panic the cop never frisked me he's like what are you guys doing like nothing uh again probably white privilege he was like okay have a good night and uh and then i'm left there with egg dripping down my bvds i uh the i used to do a little ha bombing myself, Tim. Michael! I was out sometime with a friend. We were kind of wearing dark or camouflage, black clothing, that type of, don't want to be seen. And some older kids that my friends knew from school, we went to different schools,

they were like, oh, yeah, hey, how's it going? They were like, oh, what do you got there? And they were like, yeah, these are our eggs. And they took our eggs and threw them at us as we ran away. I was like, I don't think these guys are our friends. They ain't making omelets with those things. I'm ready to grade, Jefferson. To grade?

Oh, my God. We haven't even done segment three. I find that degrading. Oh yeah. Well, I'm getting a little drunk. I don't know what's going on. Jesus Christ. You know what?

It could be the booze and the drink. Probably. Yeah. All right. Let's go to break and then we'll come back and we'll rank. Love it. Folks, we'll be right back. And we're back with our final thoughts on The Illegal. I like it.

It was a very big, shocking, tart, smoky taste to begin with. But I do enjoy it. And I'll tell you what. i would order this at a bar yeah me too i would order this at a bar i don't know if i get a second one like like i said i'm i'm already uh pretty drunk like this is a pretty heavy drink i think yeah i mean that rum to just add that when there's already a normal amount of mezcal. This is, don't you feel, have that feeling of the fact that you're in your home, but you're drinking this and it really feels like a professional cocktail, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, it does. I feel like mezcal does that, but it's a lot of weird flavors going on in a good way. Yep. Very good. All that lime. It's a lot of lime juice and the overproof. It smells great. It's really, it smells better than it tastes. I'll tell you that. All that lime. It's a lot of lime juice and the overproof. It smells great.

It smells better than it tastes. I'll tell you that. Yeah. Yep. I love it. I would order it again. I think there's a certain magic that happens when lime meets egg. And it's the best mezcal cocktail I've ever had.

Maybe I'm a master mixologist. I don't know. Ooh, nice. I haven't had much mezcal, only on this show. I had, um, I did a tasting in Mexico. I think I told you guys that one of them was made with, like, rotten chicken breast in it.

Yes. And that was kind of, had a funkier stank to it, but they're all, they all do kind of taste like cigarettes. Yeah. But Slopheads listening, definitely skip the Flournum and skip the Maraschino. You're not no no don't do that slop heads do not do that uh i take it i like all the i like all the little bits and bobs yeah it takes an extra fucking 10 minutes to make but uh get that egg white get that maraschino get that that. Do it all. But, you know, maybe experiment with tequila instead of smoky mezcal.

I like this, but mezcal's never going to be my fave. And it's an order again, but it's maybe a begrudging order again. Now, Jeff, would you say, would we all say that of the major spirits, you know, whiskey, vodka, rum, so-and-so, is mescal our very least favorite like what what would rank worse i can't imagine uh like it's just really not versatile right it's just this one taste and if you like that taste you like it but if you don't like that taste i do like it i do want to drink it sometimes but it's it's not like you can dress it up or dress it down like it's it's better than malort and jagermeister and those aren down. Like it's better than Malort and Jägermeister. And those aren't major spirits. It's better than Malort, a famously hated.

We haven't done a vodka drink in a while, have we? We did too many over the summer, so we chilled out on them. Yeah. I feel like I haven't had vodka in a long time. That's what I kind of steer away from. Yeah. Not that I don't like it. I just don't.

It doesn't really do me any favors. You know what I got hanging out in the freezer, Mike, is a little Absolute Citrone for my textbook Cosmos. Oh, nice. That's good. You know what I had in my freezer yesterday? It was a Charleston Chew. Didn't last long.

Boy, the nougat really changes when you put it in the freezer. You know, you can shatter it. Wow. It really does. It was fantastic. Michael, I got a vodka tip for you. Here's what I was doing over the holidays. I said to myself, Tim, holiday time coming.

You're going to want to drink a lot of these holiday cocktails that are very fattening. You know, your spiked eggnogs and your tom and jerry's and your peppermint rum chadas and all that cookies the gains i had a little talk with myself in the mirror and i said to me remember this trick you learned bring it back where you have your vodka on the rocks but you put a little beet horseradish in it. That's right. Huh? Purple horseradish that's made with beets and horseradish.

This is kind of a Russian trick to put a little bit of horseradish. And I was- It's kind of like a Bloody Mary, I guess. It had that kind of twang to it. And then I was doing pickle juice into my vodka rocks and i was doing how drip you could drip some juice from from sauerkraut or pickled tomatoes or any any kind of salty so you're you're spicing up a you're spicing up a vodka with some fermented

stank yeah because i love that stanky stuff and i I want to drink it. And it's wintry. It's very nice in the winter. So I said, this will be my thing around the holidays, and I had a blast with it. So, Tim, for the horseradish, you're putting in, like, you got little flakes of horseradish floating around in there, huh? No, here's what I do. You're supposed to infuse it, which takes time. I press a spoon down in the jar so that I don't get any of the coarse stuff. Just the juice.

Just the drips. Is that why you, when you came to town, you dragged me over to a pierogi place and we had sauerkraut and goulash in the afternoon? That probably is why I had Veselka on the brain. And what did I drink there? I bet that is. I went non-alcoholic and had a cherry lime rinky. Remember that?

Yeah, I do remember that. That was fun. I don't think I tasted it I meant to ask you and then I said With COVID, we can drink this one time I think it was like a Sprite and grenadine You know, good Grenadine You know what I think I might make next? What?

A classic dirty gin martini A classic dirty gin martini a classic dirty gin martini hey speaking of dirty um somebody sent me and i want to say it was a slophead that we know a drink called the dirty shirley which i thought was very funny where it was a shirley temple with vodka in it and that's kind of funny to take the most famous mock very funny, where it was a Shirley Temple with vodka in it. And that's kind of funny to take the most famous mocktail and then turn it into a cocktail. Sounds pretty good. Oh, I wanted to bring this up.

Thanks for reminding me, Tim. You're welcome. When I was looking for the illegal, I kept seeing the Scofflaw kept coming up a bunch, which is more of a whiskey drink. He takes a whiskey drink? I found something called, a little article called, The Five Strongest Cocktails in the World.

Ooh. You've got, I'll read the titles and then just read them. Read them. The first one. Death in the Afternoon is number five. Jungle Juice is number four. The Zombie, number three. We've done that. Sazerac is number two. Jungle Juice, number four. The Zombie, number three. We've done that. Sazerac is number two.

And number one was an Aunt Roberta. I'll read the little blurb here. Never heard of it. Created by a 1900 prostitute, 1900's prostitute in Alabama. This is a widely considered the deadliest cocktail in the world. It is made of 100% It was made

100% with alcohol and no mixers in equal parts gin, vodka, brandy, blackberry liquor, and absinthe. Let's do it. Wow. We're doing it. That sounds good. Episode 100. It's like a Long Island iced tea kind of.

Yeah. All that shit all together. Hoo-wee. That's our show. Follow us on social media at the sloppy boys, where we release these recipes ahead of time. Also be sure to check out our Patreon, where subscribers can unlock the sloppy boys blowout, our weekly bonus episode and questions for Lennon,

our monthly bonus episode. That's patreon.com slash the sloppy boys. And for everyone who thinks that Tim can't write a good organ counter melody listen to this Give it up for your boys