The Sloppy Boys - [UNLOCKED] Run a Mile

Episode Date: March 17, 2021

The guys get some exercise and compare their experiences.It's been a shitty 12 months! Enjoy this [UNLOCKED] episode from our weekly Patreon bonus podcast, The Sloppy Boys Blowout!www.patreon.com/thesloppyboys Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey folks, welcome to the Sloppy Boys Blowout. I'm Mike Hanford sitting here with Jeff Dutton. What's happening? And Tim Kalbakis. What is happening? And we're doing the blowout thing. I mean, we're talking to our Patrons. This is the group we actually like to talk to. That main podcast is, yeah, fine. It's a fucking dog shit.

This is a good group. I'm going to let my hair down tonight. Love you, Patrons. Love. Much love this is a good group. I'm going to let my hair down tonight. Love you, Patrons. Love. Much love. Love a Patron. Much love. Giving a shout out to the listeners.

Now, a lot of people know the three of us as just sort of, what would you say? Sluggish layabouts. Yeah. Wrong. No nothing, do nothing types. A bunch of good time Charlies. A bunch of Chuck Lee cheeses.

And I've heard fucked up dickheads. What? Who said that? Not worth a damn. I've heard that from a number of people. Fucked up dickheads? I'd honestly be pissed just at dickheads, but they think we're fucked up. Mike, you've heard fucked up

dickheads not worth a damn from multiple people? Yeah. I think it's trending. I've been getting a lot of that from my mom and dad. I actually, when I was younger, there was a kid who was

getting, not like bullied, but some other kid was making fun of him or something. And he got so frazzled by the whole thing. He was like, leave me alone, you piss drunk cock. Piss drunk cock? Yeah. You know, it makes me wonder like, where did he hear that? I know.

Like, oh, make the mind reels. He probably saw a penis that was inebriated i said that that's no good so i'll say that to somebody else um you remember when uh in et when uh he phones home elliot calls his brother penis breath yeah that's super fucking funny i got a big kick out of that when i heard that and it's funny because as an adult i'm like oh the implication is that you were giving a blow job or it's like calling someone a cocksucker but yeah maybe i just thought it was like pee breath it's funny to use the the like formal term penis yeah it's a good word wait wait mike what was the kid you had a story of a kid who in a class um like farted in class what did he say yeah i was in a music class and uh he farted and uh everyone was like oh man come on adam geez you come on and he was sort of creeping around the

room and he finally turns the class we're like it's quiet we're watching a video or something and he goes it was a wet fart okay like grow up all of you like leave me alone like everyone's like why does it smell so bad he's like duh i shit my pants you idiots i have the moral high ground and you plebes don't understand it was a wet fart it was a wet fart okay that's so yeah that's what we're talking about here oh boy you guys probably remember from just moments ago i said that we were were referred to as slothy layabout types. Yes.

Well, not today. No, no. The tables are turning. The sloppy boys ran a mile. We each independently went out, ran a mile. We had our little 5G cell phones with us, mobile devices. And we had apps on the devices that tracked our times and distances. And if you think that we don't run, you're wrong,

because we have proof that we ran. There is audio tape. And just like what any sporting event would do, you know, you would listen to the tape. I think that this is what typically, like, you know is playing a football game, he records on his phone and then afterwards everyone listens, right? Yeah. See what he thinks. Yeah.

So we did some running. We had our phones with us. We spoke into our phones every so often to give a little updates. And we ran one mile. And we're going to see who at the end of this – we're going to talk about the times and see who won the damn thing because this came out of it we're we're uh boozers and uh carousers and then but then we we were talking and we came across the idea of uh who who could run the fastest mile. And we said, hey, fuck you. I can, no, you drop dead. Oh, I wish you were never born.

I'll wring your little neck. And then we said, well, prove it. Proof's in the pudding. And Tim, you said carousing. I like that. This is actually just carousing really fast. Yes. Yeah, that's the way I think of it.

You're carousing in one direction real fast. In sweatpants or shorts. Fast as you can. Yeah. It's a quick carousal. And, you know, on this, we don't know yet. We have not talked to each other at all. We each said, oh, yeah, well, if you think you're so fast,

go run a mile and record it. And we each did it. And now this is us convening. I have not heard your tapes, nor have I talked to you guys about your experiences at all so we're gonna share them all and we'll each talk through our experience of running a mile but then we'll at the end we're gonna find out who won the fucking thing won the motherfucker hey uh now michael you are a marathon man we we all run i mean let's be honest with us

no no i mean we're all running from something. Yeah, that's true. Or to something. I'm the odd man out. I was curious, like, what is each of our relationship with running? Right. And Mike, you're the vet. You don't run anymore, Jeff?

I mean, I've done it like a little bit. When we lived together, I did a good amount of runs. But I haven't run in months. I haven't run during COVID. What about when you're getting chased? That's different. If it's for my life, we had a funny thing going where,

so that, that map my run app. Yeah. For some reason, Jeff and I got like pinned to each other on it. And every time, for some reason we added each other on it. And every time he- For some reason, we added each other as friends. Did you guys use that as your main social media app?

Yeah, that's where I post all my- I still get pings. Like, I'll be waking up like groggy and I'll get an alert saying like, hey, Mike ran five miles. That's cool. Hey, Mike ran five miles. Yeah, it's a bad app.

It comes in all garbled. The notification says Rick refurb. But I would get some sometimes that said like, I'd get some that said Jefferson Dutton ran 32 miles. I was like, he forgot to turn it off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, Mike, didn't you recently text us, didn't you jog in the shape of a dick?

Yeah, I went out and did the print of that. Maybe we'll put that online. Oh, yeah, people would love to see that type of shit. It was funny. You know, I sent that to some friends. It's just a funny thing. It's been done before, but I thought it would give someone a smile on expect.

It's all been done, Barenaked Ladies. So, Jeff, you're saying running is not a part of your normal life. You have tried on occasion to say, I'm going to do a little bit of running, but you're not a regular runner. Correct. I'm coming to this one cold. That's not good. I jog regularly.

I run a two-mile leisurely chillaxed. I'm looking up at the birds. They're quacking down at me. Sometimes some vultures kind of circle. They're waiting for me to die so they can pick up my bones. No, I run every day two leisurely miles. But it's like I I'm listening to audible. I'm always listening to a book on tape and I'm leaning back and I'm, and it's, it's more of a saunter

than a run. And I never, I never look at my time or my distance and I never even think about any of that. It's just like, I'm going to try to get my heart rate up while I listened to a book on tape. So, you know, you know your route is two miles. My route? Yes. I have a route in my neighborhood that I drove in my car. Or no, with Matt, my run, I figured out is exactly two miles. And I do that.

The weird thing is, though, I walk to a starting place. I run for two miles, and then I walk home. That's a good warm-up. It takes about maybe almost an hour, the whole thing. Then you throw in me taking a long bubble bath after four or five hours. I've seen you on that run, Tim. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I've caught him. One time Mike came up behind me, uh, also running in the middle. Mike was in the middle of like a 16 mile run, came up and kept pacing me for a little bit. And I couldn't even keep up with your speed in the middle of your half

marathon. Well, cause here's the thing. I, it's so, I don't run with people because it's really hard to talk and run at the same time. I don't like doing that.

It's, it can be tough. It's tough. It really, it's, it's like, you gotta be like, okay.

And then you have to time it with your breath. as we'll find out when we play these recordings. It's very hard to speak and run at the same time. Now, Mike, when you've run marathons, do you ever chit chat with the other runners? No, no, I don't. You talk shit and get in their head. It's like, fuck you. Hey, fuck you, buddy.

Bye. I've done two full marathons and two half marathons i'm gonna do a full one is 26.2 a half is 13.1 i'm gonna do another half sometime in it's funny because there's during covid and the pandemic and stuff you can do like i get emails and stuff for all the different things i've signed up for in the past. And it's like, hey, run the Shamrock run. I was like, well, how's that going to happen? I guess you download an app and you run this thing and it just like puts your numbers up there. Anyway, I'm going to do that sometime in March and I will be I have a charity I'm talking to to see how I can raise money.

So I'll bring that up more to people later. Great. But the the running I I'm out there. I haven't run in a long time. Actually, this was, this run was a little complicated. Oh, and what do you think? Uh, well, I assume it's complicated because you're, you're in New York city. That's a hard place to find a place to run without interact interruption. Right. But then also you're a long distance guy. When you think one mile that to you is just just that's like me running a 40 yard dash

right like yes but this that's what i'm saying i haven't done it in a long time it's been cold here and it's like uh i don't think i want to go out today maybe i'll get ridden back into bed when it's cold out would you say you're like kind of like freezing your tits off well i like to say gazungas, but yeah. But they're freezing off. Okay, great. Yes, they're freezing off. That's all there is to it.

Yeah, I like running. I put stuff on the old iPad. I've got music I listen to. I've done marathons. This is a helpful thing for people. Tim, you said you listen to Audible. I listen to a bunch of richard pryor albums on i think the first marathon i did because it's just like you're laughing your ass off yeah it's very

funny i'm not thinking about anything other than moving my butt that's good uh that's so funny that i mean you more than other people i think could listen to fucking comedy albums when they run i think most people just want like a driving beat. Yeah, yeah. But you want to laugh and laugh and expel all that extra oxygen. Well, how about this? I got a friend who runs long distances like every day and he'll do nine mile runs without anything.

Insane. Just raw dogging it. Crazy. I don't know about that. I can't even, music is nice. A driving beat, like you were saying, makes me run fast and gives you something to run to. But then my mind wanders. Like I can't listen to workout music, like music for dumb people. I need something that's going to distract me from the running. I mean, it's different when you're only running a mile, there's not that

much time to kill, but if you were running a marathon, you got to get your brain off of what you're doing. You were talking to him about not really checking your time. In normal life. Yeah. I'm just like a distant. I just try to hit like a long distance is good for me. I'm not trying to do things that quickly. I ran very like we'll see what I did this time.

But yeah, it's not checking up like, oh, I beat my mile per minute thing. Right. Hmm. Well, what do you say we get into this little Olympiad? Did that sound fucking insane? I had a few drinks before this thing. No, I followed you. I was trying to spit that out.

No, no, we get it. We get it. Ow. When you were talking for a second, I was like, is this Michael Hanford or Michael Johnson, the golden-footed sprint man? Sheesh. So I think we'll go one by one. I'll go first.

And we'll just talk a little bit about our approach. Great. Before we play our little tapes. Great. Now, like I said, I'm coming in cold. Damn cold. I ran track in high school, but I wanted to do field, you know, like you think track and field. I was like, yeah, give me the javelin or I want to jump over the high jump or whatever.

What they don't tell you is that when you're a freshman or sophomore or whatever, when you join the track team, you just start running. They just as a baseline before you get to do anything else. Right, right. We're just going to baseline before you get to do anything else right we're just gonna fucking run you ragged and my buddy steve and i not the steve from ninja turtles a different steve damn how many steves do you know we were like the beginners and uh we couldn't do the like you know we couldn't we couldn't jump right up to like doing doing a five miles or whatever so we would go off on our own and we would run to burger king and then the track coach caught us and he was like yeah you know you're

kind of you're doing the miles but uh you know burger king we kind of frown on that here in track here at track we try not to eat too many whoppers while we're running running with like a fucking extra large pepsi uh well i think like my expectation here this is as far as a competitive element i'm thinking like okay you got hand man this guy is born to run much like uh bruce uh no i don't remember who that is but there's a really good book called born to run it's all about barefoot running. Go ahead. There's also a Springsteen biography I read called Born to Run. Read that as well. No, when I think of myself, I go, I can't, you know, I can't keep with it.

Maybe I'll, maybe I dusted him. I don't know. Maybe I blew him away. But it seems very daunting me running against Hanford. No chance. Now, when I think of Jeff, I think I've, I've probably got 50 pounds on you, Jeff. So then, but then my only hope is that you don't normally run. So, so I, I'm assuming that I'm a slower runner than you, but I'm hoping that maybe you like pointed your feet in the wrong direction

or something. Yeah, I probably did. 50 pounds. Tim, why are you talking about money? Oh my God. I've been watching a lot of the BBC. Go ahead. Go ahead. But, um, when, when was your most recent run? Oh, I think I've maybe done, uh, you know, the hikes that you and I do occasionally, Tim, that's the closest thing I've done to like a run run. Uh, and we kind of get the hearts going when we, when we do that. Yeah. but we're not trying for any sort of land speed record like I did today. Okay, go for it. So one of the things that I, as far as my approach, I know that I can't afford any traffic nonsense.

You know? You can't stop at a crosswalk. I'm not stopping and waiting at crosswalks or anything like that and since um and since i'm a man of convenience what i determined was that the length of my street is 0.2 miles so i just ran back and forth that motherfucker five times suicide sprints yes as as fast as i could now nice i didn't run the whole time i i ran flat out like from the starter pistol and then i quickly had to take like chunks of jogging and walking but walking interesting well i'm telling you i i ran flat out here we go did you use an app jeff what app did you use i use map Run. This whole podcast is brought to you by Map My Run.

Now, I've never thought about this. So much of my brain was like, you know, don't get so tired that you can't finish. I never really thought that maybe you can sprint and walk and sprint and walk as long as that sprinting is fast enough to offset it. There's a way people run. Like, there's a training, I don't know what it's called, but it is like you sprint for 30 seconds, walk for 30 seconds,

sprint for 30 seconds. I don't know how you would time that. Maybe that's like a thing on an app that does that, but that's one way of doing it. Well, I've brought in little chunks and we'll listen to them now. I'm here at the starting line shoes tied tight oh hell yeah finishing up some stretches very important stuff i just drank a red bull and my hair is tied back for less wind resistance.

Oh, this is good. Here we go. Wish me luck. I'm going for speed. The car is passing me. I'm going for speed. Oh, no, a car passed you you That was actually me passing the car So pretty confident start

Yeah A car's passing Here's me Oh go ahead You ran into the same problem That I noticed too Of like having your mask on The masks are

Completely fucked The masks and running Is pretty rough Terrible Okay The masks are completely fucked. The masks and running is pretty rough. Terrible. Okay. I just want to stand on the block. I don't want to die.

Okay. That was point two. Okay. Let's show up a little bit. We're taking a little break at the end of a suicide. Smart. Four more of what I just did. No problem. I think I still got it in the bag.

What if this works? What if this method is the new way to run a mile? I know. I'm pretty confident in my approach still. You can tell from the timbre of my voice. You are really heaving, but yeah, you do sound like that's not throwing you off. Here's me about halfway through. Okay.

That's 0.5. Feel pretty good. My dick feels really small. I don't know if that's part of it. It's definitely part of it, yeah. I think that's a fight or flight response, I think. Yeah, I don't know. I think, yeah, all the blood

is going to my legs, probably. Mmm, that's good. Oh, fuck. It sounds like so much is going on. 0.62. Mask is not helping. Yeah. Okay.

So give us a visual here. When you're at the end of each one of these little sprints, do you have your palms on your knees and you're bent over or are you kind of walking it off? No, no. In some cases, I'll reach the end of the street and then just turn around and keep running as fast as I can. The when I have to walk versus when I sprint is just like my body telling me when to do it. Where is your microphone on this? Is it rubbing against your shirt on each thing? This is earbuds.

So like wherever the earbuds are. And on that one, you can tell I was like kind of walking. So it comes through a little clearer. But otherwise, I'm getting that wind noise. Is it going so fast? So your hair was tied back with what? Did you have a scrunchie? I actually borrowed a hair tie.

He's in somewhat of a jogging pace. Can't say I'm enjoying myself. It's a bad review. You're walking now? Yeah. That's eight minutes, which is not good. I used to have to do an eight-minute mile in track. Okay.

So that's a tell. That's a tell. I'm at eight minutes, and I'm not done yet. what did you say i'm at somewhat of a jog i'm uh yeah like i'm easing into a jog or something like that here we go there's next point eight point eight here's the home stretch i'm gonna run in again any second 0.8, here's the home stretch. I'm going to run in again any second. Any second.

I'm going to run so fast. I'm going to run so fast. The power of positive thought. Yeah, you know, I had a lot of heart towards the back end of this thing. This is really uplifting, like a children's novel or something. Your little heart, does it burst, finish line and you die? Yeah, I was waiting for that Red Bull to give me wings. It just made me burp a lot.

Yeah, it's not supposed to be sloshing around in your stomach while you're running. It was fresh. It was fresh. Was it a full one, like one of those big cans? Yeah, I drank a, no, not a big can, but it was a, you know, not a sugar-free. It was a classic Red Bull. I pounded it before I did this. All right, here's the home stretch for the J-Man. 98.

99. Come on, baby. 98 99 Come home baby That's a while Nice Wow You got a plane going overhead? It's about 10 Okay, that's enough for now

wow welcome back to the apartment nice i don't even like walking to be honest you only like walking when they're supposed to be running let's not do this again so i don't know if you heard me say at one point let's not do this again. So I don't know if you heard me say at one point, that's about 10. My time when I hit stop on my Matt Myron, it was 10 minutes and five seconds.

So I would call that about 10 minutes on the dot. 10 minutes, five seconds? This was a tale of perseverance. Hearing you. Oh, your 10 minutes. I got you. Because you had to find your phone and stop. Yeah got oh five minutes of of funfaring sure no no five seconds no i'll give you five five minutes let's call it um no it's it's so funny like i'm thinking of my own tape

and how it's like you in that moment it's so harsh what you're doing to your body. And then you feel like you're like inside this weird, weird world. Like your body is a cage and it hurts and you have your breath is impairing you. So it's so funny to listen after and be outside of it. Cause it's like, it is so fucking hard. I hate it. I really fucking hate it. The, the thing of like looking at your phone too, to be like exactly a mile, like it would go, mine went from like seven point whatever to nine. It took forever. And then from nine to a full mile, it was like very quick. It was like.

Yeah, because you were booking. Yeah. So how do you review the experience? Was it a positive thing in your life? You know, I weirdly did feel okay afterwards. So how do you review the experience? Was it a positive thing in your life? You know, I weirdly did feel okay afterwards. Like I've never experienced what they call a runner's high. And I'm not one of these people who's like, man, I feel so good when I go to the gym. And like, oh, I love to feel like I'm in tune with my body.

I don't get that at all. That's not for me. This was miserable. I hope that we don't do more. Well, next we're going to do two miles, so get ready. No. Just every week it's just adding one more mile. Michael, have you ever experienced a runner's high?

I don't know. I've had runs where it's like oh i did a long distance and i didn't feel like terrible but i don't think i've been like this is euphoric i don't know i don't know if that's what that means exactly i knew a guy who ran cross country in high school and he said like there was a moment that he felt like a like a dopamine like a gland kick in where he was like eight miles into a run and it was like yep and there we go and now you can tell that he he felt like he just stopped uh like it was like like an adrenaline or something kind of kicked in and then

he was just sort of coasting and not um you know when you start running you're like so aware of your joints and your legs are clanging around and it's cold outside. And you're like, he said, he said, it's just basically felt like he stopped feeling things and was just like, it was like a warm blanket and he was just running. Oh my God. Interesting. Hey, what was that?

Uh, what's the thing that Schwarzenegger says in pumping iron? Have you guys seen pumping? Yeah. Yeah. He's like, I keep pumping and it's like, I'm coming.

And then when I go home, I'm coming. Cause I'm with a girl. Yeah. It's just like, so all day I'm so's like I'm coming. And then when I go home, I'm coming because I'm with a girl. Yeah, it's just like, so all day, I'm so lucky. I'm just, I'm coming all day. And it's like, oh my God, this guy's a fucking maniac. And he was our governor? He was our governator?

He was our government? Great. Well, should I get into my experience? Tim, you're up, baby. Okay, so let me tell you about my experience running a mile. Your method, Jeff, was very interesting. You found a 0.2 mile thing and you ran it back and forth and back and forth. I have a normal jog route in my neighborhood that I normally walk to, but I said to myself, Timmy, for the competition, you want to be on perfectly flat land with no interruptions you should go to a track

on a track and here's how that panned out for me hit the playback chick chick chick all right i am walking to john marshall High School to run my mile on a regulation track, which I haven't done since I was a baby. Kind of a brisk walk. I'm probably tiring myself out, but hey, I'm an athlete. I don't care. But I did just about an hour ago eat a huge plate of veal parmesan which i don't think runners normally do that could slow me down but on the other hand i'm wearing my most professional looking pair of running shorts so i look kind of awesome nice dude anyway nearing the high school i'm gonna save my breath all right change of plans the track is all locked up um they put a lock on the fence to keep all the pedophiles out including me and i saw some bros playing a pickup game of football on the field

some bros playing a pickup game of football on the field you know I don't think I really wanted to run in front of them anyway because hey I would have dusted them but uh so now I think I don't know what to do now I guess I'll just walk back to my normal jog route okay well this is a train wreck because now I circled back and I walked up to my old jogging route. It's way longer than I thought. This is a walk that's mainly uphill. And I just looked at my health app. I've already walked 1.7 miles just now. Oh, Tim.

Hey, no excuses. I'm sure the professional runners have to walk as well. That's a good warmup. For two miles before they start. I'm gonna shake it off and I'm gonna get in the zone. All right, I got sick of walking so I'm just gonna start my run here. Unfamiliar territory, but it'll be good enough.

The only drawback is that there's other people jogging around here so I have to wear my mask so I'm gonna be huffing and puffing but again hey i'm an athlete i can deal with obstacles like this i'm opening up my jogging app to tell me when i have run a mile and as i do that what are my expectations i think that you know i know that there's something called a four minute mile that olympians run and i think when i was a kid in school you would run like a 10 minute mile as a really young old person. So maybe I'll hope to get like an eight minute mile. Maybe that's not too bad.

A double Olympian. And I think as soon as this guy passes, I'm going to take off like a fucking rocket. And I have started. Oh boy, I'm going to take off like a fucking rocket. And I have started. Oh boy, I'm running. Oh, this is probably too fast, but I've got to go for the glory. My AirPods were dead and I should have worn those. But these are earbuds and they're jangling all around.

Oh, I'm running. I pulled my COVID mask down for a little bit. Oh yeah, this is pretty good. I'm really looking at it. Hotel Fauci. AirPods keep falling out. Definitely running too fast. Too fast?

I'm probably running about 40, 50 miles per hour right now could be up to 60 miles per hour oh this won't do and hear your feet coming up to an intersection people on bikes I'm gonna have to stop yeah okay I didn't have to stop but I'm going to have to stop. Shit. Okay. I didn't have to stop, but I did have to put my mask on. And now I can't breathe. Oh, I pulled the mask down, but it's got to go back up. Okay.

I just passed a bunch of old guys. I mean, they probably didn't see anything but a blur. Okay just had a little crisis where I checked my distance and it said zero calories. I thought it meant zero miles. Zero calories? I was on calorie mode and when I tried to flip over to distance mode I lost some speed there and you're not gonna believe this I am not on pace for my goal I'm on pace to run the same mile I ran as a little kid oh I'm only a little more than halfway there.

Oh, this is no good. My pace is no good. I'm going to have to pick it up. I look kind of like pre-Fontaine. A lot of people looking at me. In what way? Okay. I was heading for such a steep incline that I doubled back the way I came to keep it flat. And when I did that, a dog barked at me. And then I pulled my mask down and a guy gave me a dirty look. Oh my hands are too sweaty to operate my bone.

Oh oh no I think I'm gonna run a 10 minute mile. I gotta pick it up. Oh no. Oh home stretch. Oh come on Timmy. Oh past the same old guys again. I gotta wear my mask. Okay, home stretch. Oh **** I'm sprinting. Oh **** Oh, no. 849. I did it! Holy shit! Whoa! Oh, I yelled out 849 when I finished. 849? And there were these two ladies that got scared because I yelled too close to them. Oh! Oh. Oh!

Well, I guess, you know, I said an eight minute mile. I didn't break the eight minute mark, but I guess I am within the eight minute minute. So people who run a nine minute mile are pathetic. And I'm better than when I ran this at Antiora Junior High School. Oh! Damn. So, signing off, I would say

I'm going to Disney World. Peace. 849! There it is, 849. Very good. i i think that like because i was looking at the the pace thing and it was putting me at like nine something and i kept thinking that my second half of the mile that i was gonna slow down so i think when i was afraid that i was gonna hit 10 minutes it was because i thought i was gonna like really have to slow down so but i never walked but i i i really i did kind of hurt myself like gunning it at the last the last the

minute or so i was running as hard as i could it's brutal i i wonder about that minute or that mile 0.7 you walked before you start running. If that helped you or hurt you because you loosened up. Yeah, maybe I was experiencing a runner's high by the time I started my run. A walker's high. Before the marathons I've run, I've seen the people who do it very quickly who are having zero body fat types running a mile before we even get to the starting line. And I think that's its own like weird, uh, group of people. Yeah. Well, if they walk 0.7 miles, that's my method. That's wild to run just to, I mean, yeah,

I do like when you play sports and stuff like in school, they make you run a couple of laps to warm up, you know, before a game. Um, I've, yeah, I've done done i've done races where like you go you're going down one way and then you double back and so you're kind of as you're running you're seeing the people ahead of you run past you the other way right and the the people that are the very first like runners are like sprinting still and you're just like wow that's a that's not what i'm doing damn tim that was impressive man i was uh i was really first place i was biting my nails the whole time isn't it tough the the the the masks are so tough and and tim you were so vocal like you're you know just letting the inner monologue roll.

I had to be very choosy about when I would open my mouth. You know, I'm a bit of a showman. I'm not a runner, but you put a microphone in my face. Oh, I should say I had a stand-up comedian's microphone. Pulling an amplifier behind you. One thing I mentioned there was people looking at me. Did you guys have, when I was talking, I did have some people look at me, and I thought that maybe they thought I was just on a phone call or whatever,

but I was being like, no! And I was getting a lot of looks. Like, oh, he's getting some bad news, that fellow. This guy, everyone he knows must have. Fred Flintstone's getting some bad news. My feet, when I run, my legs do sort of look like Fred's when they're under his car.

Oh, I love when Fred Flintstone is bowling and he kind of does a twinkle toes thing. Okay, Mike, 849, beat that. Speaking of toes, I think I hurt my toe on this run I like I said before I haven't been out in a while

this was not my best outing but let's hear the tape and see what happened roll it hold on I like saying roll it to yourself who has to roll it Roll it. Hold on.

I like saying roll it to yourself who has to roll it. Roll it, hand. Roll it. Hold on. All right, I'm out here ready to get my run going. I'm out in Brooklyn. Cool. It's 28 degrees out.

Pretty chilly, but I'm dressed warm. I got my skin-tight unitard on. It's a little icy out here I think it's gonna start snowing in a little bit. It's a nice little run through the neighborhood. It's a friendly neighborhood. Hello Except that guy. Jesus. Oh, he's looking at me. Okay. I gotta get out of here. Okay, here we go. I'm going to Press what? Holy shit. Oh my god. That was a big patch of ice there almost went down Okay, I'm gonna get my get my running app going here so we can track my time and distance. Here we go Okay, see you at the finish line and all right. I'm gonna get some music here I'm gonna listen to Elton John greatest hits. I want to hear that piano man song. I've heard that in a while

I love that song Jesus I love that song. Crossing the street here. Oh, Jesus. I almost got taken out by a Fiat. Jesus Christ, he's pissed. I see the fucking middle finger. I know what that means, asshole. Shit. God damn it, my fucking glasses are fogged up. Jesus, it's fucking windy out here.

I'm running by the water where it is extremely fucking cold. I should have worn gloves. I'm an idiot. Not the first stupid fucking thing I've done today. This morning, I thought it would be a good idea to make myself a little breakfast pizza from Trader Joe's. Forgot to take off the saran wrap topping, put it in the oven, pulled it out, ate half of it before I figured out there's fucking plastic all over it. I've got a stomach ache like crazy. My shits are all... Don't worry about those, actually. Oh, God. Jesus,

somebody's going to break their neck. Their goddamn neck. Oh, God. I should have brought some fucking water. I watched all of Ted Lasso last night and drank 11 beers. Fucking jokers. Look at that. There's two rats fighting each other. That's always nice to see. Oh, I know they're fucking each other. Well, not fucking. They're doing like a 69.

That rat's got actually both of them. I mean, I'm not into sex with rats or anything, but they're kind of... For rats, got good bodies. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh, God, I just stepped in a lot of shit. Two big piles, both feet. Fuck. That stinks. Oh, God, it stinks. Oh, shit, I almost got hit again. Jesus Christ. Oh, that's a green light. Fuck.

That was... Nope, my bad. That's yours. And everyone certainly knows how to use their middle finger in this neighborhood. Hey, let me see where I'm at here. What? I've only gone.41 miles? What the fuck? Fuck this. Oh, sorry.

No, I'm not talking to you. I'm doing a podcast. It's a cocktail podcast, but we're doing like a blowout running thing. Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. That's a beautiful dog. German Shepherd? A Yorkie. That's cool.

That's nice. Okay, I just had to stop for two seconds because some guy with a fucking crew cut was getting a headshot done. Cool. Cool, man. Take the coldest day out of the year to come out and get in my way.

Where the fuck is that piano man song? Okay. I made it. Just hit one mile. Hit stuff. Jeff, Tim, back to you guys. Damn.

A lot of shit out there for me. 28 degrees, did you say? That's what the app said. That's what my app said. When you're heavy breathing in that weather, that's got to hurt your lungs to be sucking in frozen air.

It's tough. The mask kind of warms it all up for you, but then you take the mask off because it's too hard to breathe. And also when the mask's on, you've got to deal with your breath. Right. Which is not fun.

Now, that one guy, when you mentioned that you were kind of recording a Patreon blowout type of blowout, like they got that, right? It's a blow blowout type of blow like they they got that like it's a blowout no he he shrugged up his shoulders you know that one emoji where the guy shrugging his shoulders yes yeah he did that and was like i don't know what you mean oh don't tell me he was the spitting image of that emoji um no he was not but that was a tough run, but I did happen to make it in 6 minutes and 58 seconds.

Jesus Christmas! Wow! I'm fast. I was wearing a Lycra suit to make me go fast. A onesie. So you mean to tell me you ran three minutes three minutes faster than me and you're cracking wise the whole time three minutes is so much time that you guys get so much time if you would have done it together you could have done a uh hair in the tortoise type of thing where michael ran

laid down took a little napsaps in the grass and got back up. Wow. Honestly, I honestly thought that just like from the power of heart, I would not come in last. From the power of heart. Unfortunately, heart is, you know, the cardio really plays into it. It's a bummer when you do something like that and it's like, oh, it's not just heart.

Well, you know, probably the worst thing about my body is my heart and my lungs. Well, you have a warm heart, I know that. I mean, my muscles aren't much to write home about either, but I figured something's got to be good. They're nice. They're nice

and toned and oiled up. Okay. Thank you. thank you. Thank you. Wow, that is wild. What a spread. I don't really know what I was expecting, but it is kind of funny how spread out we are. That it's like, it's not even like it was like,

oh, two guys did this and one guy did that. We're like evenly spread out. I did the thing though where I found a little park area and did sort of somewhat of a back and forth. Yeah, you have to because otherwise, you know, Tim, did you have to like jog in place and wait for a crosswalk or anything? I never did. I thought I was going to the whole time, but I did.

I ran across an intersection during a don't walk, but there were no cars coming so i was fine damn so these are honest times we're looking at um can i give you can you can i tell you the trick uh that i used please i recorded all my funny little things first and then sprinted the whole time oh my god sprinted i was fucking dead at the end of this. This was, this was unnatural. My,

my usual, like a six 57 mile is not what I usually do. It's like eight, nine, 10, 11 range. Okay. So wait a second.

You recorded all your little bits and then you just fucking knocked out the fastest mile that you possibly could without talking. Exactly. You fucker. I was quipping. We had to waste the breaths. You were foolish, my boy. Damn.

So I can't believe. So you're a fast guy and you ran your fastest. And that is a very, very good time. But if someone runs a four minute mile, they're that much faster than you. There's like a mile isn't even long enough for them to like get that much pace on you i don't even get it isn't it funny how like a mile is not a long distance but when you run it you like i thought it was going to be much quicker and i looked at my phone and it really was like fuck seven point seven this sucks yeah

you feel every inch. Mile is long enough that when you think about it, it's like you want to know how someone feels running a mile in their shoes, and you kind of start to get to feel it. Start to get your head around it. Yeah, exactly. Hopefully their shoes are a size 11, A6, Cumulus 19. Your size 11?

For running shoes, you want to get a size up so your feet can swell. No. That's what a running person told me. I have been my whole life using cheap running shoes, and then I had some blisters and stuff, so I said, I'm going to the runner's circle. I'm getting fancy-ass running shoes. Yeah.

You guys been there in Atwater? They're the best. I did that. What's the one on Los Feliz Boulevard? Is that Atwater? That's Atwater, yeah. I went there, and, you know, the guy, like, puts his head on the ground and, like, looks at your gait.

Yeah. You know, he really sizes you up, and he's like, no, you need the Brooks whatever. That's what I got. I bought Brooks. I got some Brooks that I wore right through them, and these I just wore, like, whatever cool-looking Adidas I just recently got. I's what I got. I bought Brooks. I got some Brooks that I wore right through them. And these, I just wore like whatever cool looking Adidas I just recently got. But I love those.

Now going from the fancy Brooks to normal Adidas, does it feel different? Are Adidas ruined for you or is Brooks bullshit? You know, I think you're better off doing, if you're going to be, if you're going to be doing competitive miles on a podcast like this, you're going to want a Brooks. Yeah. I think that was the, it said on the box of Brooks, the slogan was sort of like for Patreon pods.

Yeah. I'll say this about the runner's circle. I bought a pair of shoes from them once, pair of sock knees that were supposedly supposed to be good for me. We did the, the, the gate look and all that stuff. Yeah.

I ran, they let me go run outside with them for a second. You run back. I ran with them for like a couple miles when I got them back home and my like shins and knees felt terrible. And I brought them back and I was like, these really hurt my legs.

And they were like, okay, we'll take them back. I was like, you sons of bitches. I did like five miles in these things. That's how you know they're pros and they're not fucking around just trying to sell you shoes. Yeah, they're the best. I loved how much concrete information the guy was able to give me

he was like i didn't even look at the wall of shoes like looks were not a thing and i like that right we didn't even talk about look and he's like take your shoes off and walk around i took my shoes i'll walk around he said you've got very high arches oh tim i'm opposite. I'm flat footed. Oh. Hmm. But so he told me, Tim, you son of a bitch. When you try on shoes to see if they fit, it's not just about the length. You know, like everyone's thinking like, oh, your toes kind of at the end or whatever. But he's like, feel your arch. When you put it into a shoe, you want the arch of the shoe to fit snug into the arch of your foot.

Oh. So I said, you brilliant bastard. I'm going to use this on the blowout. And he said, the blowout? Isn't that like five bucks a month? And I was like, yeah, it's a good deal. Yeah, but you're making some fucking commission on these $130 shoes, you asshole. You know what I thought of this recently?

So I like a pair of running shoes that have some flash to it, some nice big colors to it. Okay, Michael. Oh, yeah. And a lot of the men's shoes don't have that flash that I want. So I want to get a pair of woman's shoes that are the, because they have better colors, I think. No shit. There's a lot of like uh

neons and stuff yeah pinks and purples and stuff so i when i went into that store i went in there in drag okay tim timmy mike are you wearing are you wearing women's running shoes for the looks i like that no i don't have any but i'm and here's why I don't have any. Because my shoe size translated into a woman's size, they don't make a lot of that size. So it's tough to find like a 12, you know, 12. Wow. The longest footed woman on earth. But anyway, my point being, some of the women's shoes have better looks. Better colors.

I agree with you, my shoes. And again, it was cool that we didn't talk about it. He said, let me set you up with some high arch support shoes. He brought him out. They're black shoes with black laces.

Yeah. I look like a, I look like a metal head. I know it's gloom and doom. All the men's colors are like gray and black and dark. It's not cool. It's like, um,

you know, they, there's always that joke about how like men's and women's razors are the same, but like women's come in these like little spa colored, uh, plastic sleeves. And then men's come in like a big bulky box that looks like brushed

stainless steel. We're done with the tough. We want to relax. Big old blister pack. It's like, we don't need all that. We're done with the tough. We want to relax. Big old blister pack. It's like, we don't need all that. Just give us the fucking product, dude. What if we came out with sloppy boys, male running shoes that have some fun colors

for the boys. You and your boys going for a jog? Here's some pink, teal, neon shoes. And don't forget about the ladies. They get black. Yeah. The very thing we don't like. And don't forget about the ladies. They get black. Yeah. The very thing we don't like. It's a flip flop.

That's awesome. It's a flip flop. It's a flip flop. Hey, this is a, been a pretty good blowout. Hell yeah. The,

the sloppy boys ran a mile. What do you think of that? I do. I do. I do now feel like I cheated, but I had fun doing it. Let's be honest. Honor system.

If you would have had to say your silly bits while you were running, how many seconds do you think it would cost you? Because like for me. You would have won handily. I was, yeah, but what do you, because I would complain a little bit that I had eaten veal Parmesan before my run. Right. But how much, you you know so maybe i do

eight or ten seconds better i don't think without veal parmesan would knock off a whole minute how much do you think you you saved by doing that i you know honestly i wanted to try to make you guys laugh so that was i was trying to get like good uh doing it right and having funny takes and things. Yeah. You made us laugh. Well, that's good. I think if I was to do that in the moment, I wouldn't have been able to do it because I was trying to think of funny stuff. And I would have just been not thinking at all and just doing it.

Because you're a professional comedy writer. And when you're in the zone of that, it takes over your whole oh my god i can't even you wanted the whiteboard you're writing bits you're sometimes when i'm writing a sketch i can't even move my any of my muscles because that's all my everything is i can't even type on a qwerty keyboard i have to like crawl over to a phone and call someone and say, type this down, you ass fucking idiot. Why are they a fucking idiot? Because they want to be like, why, why? Just fucking type.

This guy's comedy ideas are so funny that he's paralyzed. He's paralyzed. He can't do anything with them. That's what I'm doing wrong with my writing is I'm usually kind of on the treadmill and the Nordic track and doing a lot of things all at once. Well, I mean, isn't that just the curse though? I'm a fantastic funny writer and also a fantastic runner

so I can't match I wish you were a funny runner Okay, well you won but there's a little, much like Roger Maris' home run record, you're going to have a little asterisk The true thing will be when the three of us get together on a track.

Oh, that'll be great. Let's shoot that as a video, baby. That'll be good. That's video time. That'd be tense. Folks, jeez, I hate to be the one to bring this to you, but that's the episode. That's the blowout. We're done.

We've had it. We've had it with this episode. We're tappingout. We're done. We've had it. We've had it with this episode. We're tapping out. We're going to start to sign off. And Mike, I'm going to mail you some scratch off money, by the way, because you won. Thank you. I do need scratch off money. Everyone can use scratch off money because that could turn into big, big, big, big money.

We're talking big stuff. You scratch off the right things, folks. You're looking big. Oh, yeah. I was on the subway the other day, and Maria and I were on the subway, and I saw some scratch-offs. And I was like, ooh, I wonder if those are winners. And she was like, they're probably not, because someone left them on the subway.

Yeah, I'm with Maria on that one. I was like, yeah, but you know, you want to be sure. Doesn't hurt to check. Maybe that person hated money. Maybe they didn't want to get bumped up into a higher tax bracket. Yeah. I Doesn't hurt to check. Maybe that person hated money. Maybe they didn't want to get bumped up into a higher tax bracket. I can't have this much. Oh, if my accountant gets wind of this.

Jeff, can you put in some nice twinkly piano closing music here? We just want to say Oh, it's there, man. Thanks to all the patrons out there who are... The Troners. We love you guys. You're keeping this whole ship afloat.

We love it. They keep it going, baby. You keep us some money in our pockets so we can buy the drinks. Yeah, you keep us liquored up. Yeah, baby. You're whining and dining us. You keep us in a nice pair of Brooks from the runner's circle. We have arch support that we would otherwise

not be able to afford. We should probably start calling the Patrons the Enabler Club. That could be a good that could be a deluxe tier where people spend $50 a month. And what they get in return is we don't know

You know If you're an alcoholic You would get a sponsor Like an AA There's an AA sponsor I think that's when we get Instead of getting brand sponsors for our show Our podcast should have a sponsor

That we call when we're off the wagon We should do We should do this. Maybe somebody, a patron out there is like a trust fund billionaire. We should have a Patreon level that's like

6,000. A month? Yeah, a month. And if you're the 6,000. Yeah. A month? We should. Yeah, a month. Yeah. And if you're the $6,000 person, every single episode is brought to you by... Yeah. Hell yeah.

John Doe. And also, we'll do whatever the fuck you want. Yes. I mean, whatever the fuck you want. You can be on the blowouts. If you're paying $6,000 to $10,000... This show is taking over. It's like Dinky Vanderbilt

the fifth. He's bossing us around all the time and we're like yes, whatever you want sir. He's calling us from like some club in Ibiza or something and we can't hear him. It's breaking up. Yeah man, you're the best. Keep it coming. He's like yeah, do an episode

while we fuck each other. Okay. Okay my man. Keep it coming. He's like, yeah, do an episode where we fuck each other. Okay. Okay, my man. Whatever you need. Yes, boss. Okay, Dinky, you heard it here first. Get subscribing. You the man.

We love you, Dinky. Bye, Dinky. And goodbye, all of you. Peace out. Bye, Dinky. And remember, keep running. Just put one foot in front of the other and get it done. Peace. Bye, all of you. Peace out. Bye, Dinky. And remember, keep running. Just put one foot in front of the other and get it done. Peace.

Bye, guys.