The Snark Tank - #02: Tom Sweeny and Gabby - "Sickly Chris"

Episode Date: January 19, 2019

Theme Song by The Living Tombstone ► https://bit.ly/1lLg7zp Welcome to the first episode of The Snark Tank Podcast! .... of 2019! I'm sick with the flue or AIDS or something equivalently dire so to keep our typically famous guests safe from my quarantined ass, we decided to do a chill shorter episode to reign in the new year. We're joined today by Tom Sweeny and Gabby (My Manager and Camera Man ... Camera Woman? Ehh.) Today's episode is shorter cuz I was literally dying but we talked about Trumps McDonalds Dinner, best movies of 2018, roach milk, circus tents, Buzzfeed, being bullied in Catholic school, and all sorts of other things. Don't hurt me. Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

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Hey, everybody. Welcome back to the Snark Tank podcast. Today, it's a brand new day. It's a brand new dawn. It's been a long time since we've done this. I'm sick with something. I think I have cataract. You had cataracts of the throat.

None of you are sick. I was sick. I was very sick. I hope I don't get sick. I'm astounded that you're not sick by now. Absolutely. You've just been walking around here. I've been sneezing all over you.

You've been hanging out with us and you haven't been contaminated yet. I mean, could wake up tomorrow sick. Yeah, you might be dead tomorrow. Yeah. Anyway, so today. You ever woke up dead? You ever wake up dead? Well, if I die, one of you has to show up to work for me.

We're doing this. It's been a while since we've done this. I think the last time we did this We did with Derek Like in the summer or something It was a ridiculously long time ago I'm trying to pick the schedule up for 2019 Because things have been pretty scarce

To say the least But to ease things To ease everything into the new year I figured it would just be me and Sween And a friend of ours Gabby say hi Hey You gotta be closer to that

You gotta be Hey Speak Gabby Speak I'm speaking. There you go. Now you're speaking. I'm talking.

So, Kingston, please. Stop doing that. Don't do that. I will fucking kill you. There's a squirrel outside. We got some people coming up, I think. I was thinking of getting rice pirate and like kale anonymous and a bunch of other people who I like very much. But this is kind of a shoot the shit show, really.

There's no real format to this. If there was, it would be successful. Oh. So somebody was asking us favorite movies of 2018. I thought that that could be a pretty good. Oh, easy. Basic. Easy.

What do you mean? Who's eating Captain Alex? Favorite movie. That's not a movie. Favorite movie. Who's eating Captain Alex? You ever saw it? It's on Discovery Channel.

Who's eating Gilbert Grunt or whatever? Gilbert Grunt? Grunt. I don't know. Grunt. Gilbert Grunt. Is that Leonardo DiCaprio? Yeah.

I never saw it. That movie made me cry. Yeah, I cried. The movie actually made me cry. Does he actually, like, get eaten? No, no one is eaten What's the, well, Gilbert Grape is like the brother And it's like, it's not clickbait

It's about a very dysfunctional family With one very regular kid in it Yeah So he's not eaten at all No, he's not But like it's his life is eating at him Yeah What?

It's eating him inside because he has so much to worry about Is that what the movie's about really? That's actually what it's about But it's a beautiful movie It's a great film I'm surprised you weren't going to say A shitty Marvel movie Oh no

Was Ragged Rock last year? No, that was 2017. That was 2017, right? Black Panther was this year. Black Panther was this year. Happy Time Murders was this year? Happy Time Murders. I haven't seen that movie, but God damn, it looks not good.

Worst movie of the year. I mean, I don't think so. I've seen some bad movies. We saw Slender. We did see Slender. Was that 2018? That was 2018. That was the beginning of 20s.

I saw none and I could not stop laughing at that movie. None's pretty good. I could not stop laughing. I don't know. I feel like a genuine answer is probably into the Spider-Verse me. I can't think of anything I can't think of anything else that I really cared about. It's a good film.

Should watch it instead of watching Seinfeld all the time. He doesn't watch Seinfeld that much honestly. Who, me? Chris, yeah, he doesn't really watch that way. It's Joe who does that. One of our sociopathor roommates does it though. Yeah, Joe does that. He puts it on every day and he laughs every time. Like, he's never seen it before. But he

has. He objectively has. He just relives it. I like Seinfeld and all that, but like, holy shit. I don't understand how one individual can watch the same exact show over and over again consistently. I can watch it's usually for noise. Like if I'm working on something and I just want to hear. Like, because I can't watch a new show and work at the same time.

Yeah, no, exactly. Very easily distracted. So I'll put on like something that I've seen a million times. Right. But, uh... I can watch Avatar a lot. The show. I could watch that show a lot before I get to take it.

I thought you're going to say the movie. Oh, that movie made me. That movie sucks, honestly. You're talking about the blue people one? Yeah, the blue people one. It was just Romeo and Juliet. What? What?

Was it? Yeah. Same premise. Different worlds come together. You mean Pocahontas? Pocahontas is also like Romeo and Juliet. Is it? Very much so.

What? What? The same premise, like they both come from different worlds and they're trying to be together, but they're like social statuses and or their cultural beliefs keep them apart. That's like the product of like a lot of those movies. I mean, I guess. It's not the first thing that comes to mind. Yeah, definitely not the first thing for me either.

I think of Romeo, that's like the, like, it's like, it's like, to where they all, that archetype was the first one and the archetype spread from there. Like, oh, all of these other movies are like this too. Is Cinderella like that? Yeah. I don't think so. I think you're really wrong.

No, I'm not, bro. Look at the movies, bro. Dissect them. Dissect them. Dissect them, bro. Dissect them, bro. Bro, I love you, but I can't be with you. Oh, why can't I be with you?

Because my peoples and or my family want to kill your peoples. Oh, man, that's unfortunate. We want to be together, though. We're going to be together. Is that the plot synopsis for Captain Marvel also? Captain Marvel is going to be going up to the Cree or whatever the fuck, the scroll. So you're going to be like, hey, why you be with you?

And the scrolls like, I don't know about that. He says that to the whole entire scroll race. The whole scroll race. I want to be with you all. It looks like shit, man. It looks cool. I just, I'm not excited for any. We got into this discussion yesterday.

I like a strong independent woman that could shoot beams our hands. I'm just so sick of the, like, I don't even care about necessarily that. It's more so the Marvel thing in general. I was already really kind of not into, what was the last Avengers one? Infinity War. I saw it and then I was like, oh, I like this. Everybody dies. And then the next one's happening and Spider-Man's alive, so it's whatever.

I just don't care. That's it. I just don't care. The longer it takes to come out, the less I care. I'm more excited for Spider-Man than I am for any of the other movies. And I think that has more to do with the Spider-Verse being so good. That movie was fan-aminal. It was unnecessarily.

Phenamem. I got a gun in my backpack. My backpack. I'll shoot this place up real quick. Don't mess with me. One of the other things that's happened since we've been gone that I'm not going to cover in a video because I just don't. Kingston, please. I can it feel for the first time?

It's the worst harmony of the fucking world. Yeah, yeah. Is that Kelly Clarkson? Yeah. That's totally her. I haven't heard that song in a long time. That's so slaps. That shit slaps, bro.

Slaps, bro. So Trump bought like three. thousand hamburgers or something for for a White House dinner for athletes? So apparently some undefeated athletes. Wait, do you know more about this? I know. That's all I know. So apparently this undefeated team of athletes was invited to the White House and they were

like, oh, sure, going to go into the White House. This shit going to be fancy as fuck. I mean, it's a government shutdown. I mean... What were they expected? I mean, it's... That's not how that works exactly because, I mean, like, the White House has a ton of money. The White House isn't going to do anything. But, like, you'd assume, oh, I got invited to the White House.

I'm going to have some, like, Like, think of it like this. When Barack Obama would have people over, it'd be like these wine and dine, like, amazing things. Eh. Most presidents, not even Barack Obama, just presidents in general. Yeah. So this team gives it like, oh, awesome. I can't wait to meet the president.

Let's meet the president. They walk in and it's just McDonald's meals. I would have left. I would have been like, you know what? But it's so many. It's such an impressive display of McDonald's is the thing. It's so many. And then there's like the sauces in the gravy trays.

It's hilarious. I would have left. He's standing there too, and I love it because he's like, there's 300 hamburgers, there's many, many French fries. And I died. I died. I was like, this is great.

This is the best thing I've ever seen. I would have been really upset because I was like, well, I could have stayed home and done this. You couldn't have gotten 300 Big Macs at home. You couldn't have gotten a nice crispy chicken smoothie from Wendy's? Crispy Chicken smoothie, he said. I can't hear out of my left. Dear, I'm sorry.

That affects my words. Smooth. A smoothie. A chicken smoothie. You never had a chicken smoothie? No. What was it at five guys that they do? They put the bacon and the milkshake. That's disgusting. What? That is so gross.

It's pretty good. I've never had it, but it sounds pretty not great. It doesn't sound great. I agree. It's a bad sounding thing. But it's not bad. Once you get to know it, it's not the worst thing. So, I saw this one story. Yes, continue.

On CNN. I was curious about what you thought about it. What's not? Scientists say Cockroach milk. Milk is in quotes. Milk is in quotes. Scientists say cockroach milk is remarkably rich in protein, fat, and sugar.

And my question to you is, what? Cockroaches make milk? That's exactly what I thought when I first saw it. I didn't look into it because I'm not going to, I don't need to entertain myself with that. I thought mammals made milk. And, like, I think some... Do reptiles make milk? Well, that's why the milk is in quotes.

Yeah, milk is in quotes. That's what I'm talking about. Mammals make milk, right? But roaches make milk. Oh, look, it's a milk man. Would you drink roach milk? I would not. No?

What if it was... What if it looked exactly like normal milk? And it did... It's not like a yellow tint to it. There's nothing gross about it other than the fact that it's roach milk. If I would unknowingly drink it, I'm like, oh, this is just milk. Yeah. But like, I wouldn't...

Would you stop drinking? Would you stop drinking it after somebody told you it was milk and you realize that it tasted fine? I guess I would continue drinking because I've been doing it already. It's kind of my thing about it too. Like I remember when I was a kid and people would tell me that about hot dogs. They'd be like, do you know what's in that? I'm like, no. And they would tell me, it was like, ah, it's sludge.

Or it's like, I don't know. It's like sewage and like a dead child. They would say like the most ridiculous shit was in a hot dog. And then they would ask me if I would still eat it. I'm like, it's, yeah. I eat the fuck out of that dead child. It's still delicious. I don't understand.

I've been eating them for so long at this point anyway. Is stopping now really going to help? I've already eaten my weight in hot dog, probably. I love hot dogs. Yeah. I mean, they're okay. I have to really be in the mood for a hot dog to be like... Well, you have to be in the mood for like a movie theater hot dog.

Like a movie theater hot dog's horrendous. But like, I think those dirty water dogs in the streets of Manhattan... I've never had one. You never had a... What? I live there and I've never had one. You've never had a street dog? No.

That's shocking. That's shocking to me. Do you know there's just better food around? Yeah, but it's for like a dollar. You can get like a pretty like hefty little hot dog. Well, happy, a little hefty dog. A hefty dog.

It's like those one dollar pizzerias that have like the Middle Eastern people in it that are like Oh, I love those. Yeah. And then like the Russian Union like that. We went to one on St. Yeah, it looks like a fucking jail cell. Yeah. Well, they fix it up though.

It looks much nicer. I prefer. It looks like solitary confinement. Yeah. Now they got paded one. Oh, that's not great. Don't make those noises. You guys saw that little circus thing, right?

No, no, no. I'm not getting over this. I'm not going over this funny circus. There's a circus going on in Burbank right now. There's a circus. I haven't seen it, by the way. I haven't seen this circus tent that you so passionately feel is unreasonable of me not to see. I can't believe you've gone your life without seeing one ever.

Like that. A circus tent. Like, that blows my mind. I just don't understand what's so hard to believe about that. Especially when I grew up in Manhattan and like the surrounding area. I understand. Isn't going to stick out unless you're next to it because it's surrounded by tall-ass buildings. I feel like they broadcast them all the time and like they're just like, oh look, the universal.

I've seen commercials for like Barnum and Bailey, but I've never seen it. I've never stumbled across it. Oh, funny circus story, fellas and fellettes. You have a circus story? Yeah. I told you guys about it. Okay. No, yours is like actually.

actually like sad though. Mine is like just funny. Okay. Like her story is like it doesn't have a happy ending. Oh no, it has an atrocious ending. My story is like, ah,

it's not a good ending, but hey. Just tell it then. So when I was like six years old, they had a circus going on in Manhattan. And they were like, hey, people come down and box these kangaroos.

What? What? I kid, I kid you not. What kind of like what was the, what was the brand of circus? I think it was a black folk circus. So you know how they get.

A black folk circus? So you know how they get. So. Was that like? A box can't kangaroos? Like it was cool. I think it was a universal soul circus. The universal soul circus?

Yeah, it was a thing. Where do you get a kangaroo to box? So they brought the person down and it was this, it was this hefty Caucasian gentleman. He put those gloves on. He was like, I'm going to handle this kangaroo. So he was a volunteer. Oh, he chose this. Okay.

They didn't grab him up and bring him down there and make him fight this kangaroo. So he went down there and a kangaroo had gloves on. and it did hit him once and he moved. Is he dead? No, he got beat up though. The king got him in a headlock and was hitting him with his little kangaroo hands.

They had to break it up and the circus stopped way earlier that it should have. I don't believe this at all. I'm not even kidding. A kangaroo put a man in a headlock? Yeah, because they have little arms. Not little, they have like a little size of arms. It's plausible because they have little arms.

They have like arms. Of course he put him in a headlock. He has little arms. But you're probably thinking they have like only little hands. They have arms too. No, I don't think they just have hands. Hands like sticking out of their nipples?

What do you mean? Out their torsos. Like T-Rexes? Like torso, yeah, like a little torso lips. No, I know where they have, they're muscular. Yeah, it grabbed them up and everything. They got, they had to like break it up. It was really unruly.

You know they used their tails to stabilize? I always thought there was like a joke. You know, they can kick over cars. Yeah. But, yeah, they can. I've seen that. Oh. Yeah, they can.

They're fucking horrifying beasts. They're like... They also give birth and then they finish it afterwards. They give birth and they let it bake. Yeah, they let it bake externally. that's what the that's what the pouch is it's like a little uh exterior womb can you could you put like a human fetus in a it wouldn't it wouldn't grow it wouldn't yeah it would not because it's missing a whole human shit all over my my hypothesis well you're wrong because you're wrong that's not how that

it's not how human life works okay sure you know what man by all means go bake a baby in the freaking kangaroo and see what pops out see what emerges from there you know what I think I will I think I just might go ahead and pay for that I think kangaroos I'll fly to Australia I'll bake a kangaroo. I'll raise it to love me. So it doesn't skewer me with its talons. They have talents, by the way. Yeah, they have talents on their feet and their hands.

They have talents on their hands? Yeah, they just shave them down so they don't rip people apart when they play with them. They shave them down? Yeah, they shave them down. They're telling them. When they're in the circus, not a wild kangaroo. Oh, yeah, not wild roos. Not wild roos.

Somebody told me once that, like, they have rhubars on cars in Canada. That are, not Canada, in Australia. You might have me Canada. Canada's a fucking wilderness. The kangaroos fucking hobbing around in Canada. I mean, I would assume so, then you'd go there. You ever seen a moose? Yeah.

Anything's possible in Canada. There was a moose on the fucking interstate in New York once. Remember that? Yeah. You don't remember that? No. Moose are bigger than cars. They're like, they stand really tall.

Like, it's, I'm sure they're tall. Unsettling. I'm sure they're tall. I don't think they're bigger than cars, though. They're big. They're taller than cars, maybe. They're deceptive. I mean, so is.

I mean, yeah, they're taller than some cars. They're deceptively big. Like, unbelievable, like, it'll make you scare. If I had a Ford Focus and I hit a moose at 90 miles an hour, would I be okay? You would not be okay, but the moose would definitely be dead. That moose would be all over that intercession. Jesus fucking Chris. If something gets hit at high speed, it pops.

I can't believe that's a real thing. No, it isn't. What? What are you talking about? If you hit something at really high speed to like a vehicle or like something big, it just explodes. It goes, it goes, it goes, it goes, like a water balloon, but like with bones in it. So, I, uh, so I just refresh Twitter out of curiosity. All right.

And, uh, the first thing I saw was BuzzFeed trending at, with 60,000 tweets. I was like, okay, what, what happened here? And I click in the top news is a mom used a vibrator to clear her baby's chest. conjection and it inspired a lot of jokes. You know, I don't like that picture. You guys can't see it because it's an audio podcast, but I just don't even understand what I'm looking at with this. You're right there?

Your actual laugh sounds like a really bad fake one, but it's genuine. It's always the most confusing thing. You sound like a cat dog character or something. like wheezing in the corner. Yo, that's a real... There's a real story. Yeah, what's like... Oh, I know what it'll work.

Let me... I know it always clears up my chest conjection. I don't know what always fucking clears my chest. A good vibration. A good earthquake. A good earthquake. Quakers. Imagine being the father and walking in

and seeing that happen. I'm like, what are you doing in my young? Not even walking out of that. Imagine being at work and then... like seeing this on the internet and being like is that my child did you this did you that's a divorce I don't know if it's a divorce I don't know if it's a divorce it's a conversation for sure yeah for sure but why would you also be like yeah I'm gonna share that yeah that's another thing like is it is she trying to be helpful does she clean it off before she put on a I sure I would hope so you'd hope give it a good boil

oh she didn't like clean it off on the kid's shirt or it's bear just wipe it off on a baby Oh, don't do that. Wipe this on his little, little napkin. Do I sound chest congestive? I don't have chest congested. I can't speak because my hearing is off. It's actually fucking with the way I pronounce words. That's crazy.

This must be what it feels like to be deaf. I know exactly what the struggle is now. I mean, you don't. I think I'm fully qualified. You know, you should... To speak on the behalf. It's not that bad, really. I think, you know, I think they're making a big to do about nothing.

All things considered, you know. Fuck those people that can't hear me say fuck you. Well, they can't hear anyways. Exactly. So fuck them. Fuck them. What's fascinating, though, is because I can't hear out of my left ear, I can hear a lot of the things going on in my own head.

I can hear my blood pumping sometimes. That might be another problem. That might be a whole issue altogether. You've never heard your blood pumping? No. You've never been in like a really quiet. quiet room, like a really, really quiet room, and then just you're able to hear, like, shit that you really normally shouldn't be able to hear. For me, it's always my heartbeat. That's what I hear first.

I've been in a quiet room, so I can hear my heartbeat. But, like, it's also, like, if you're in, like, a really quiet room, sometimes if you turn, you can hear, like... Yeah, the movement. You can hear the movement of your own, like, bones scraping against the muscle that surrounds it. It's really off-put- Isn't that disgusting? It's really gross. It sounds like a creaky door. At least for me, but that might just be because I'm horribly unhealthy and sick and dying.

But I'd imagine it's not all that dissimilar for most people Yeah for regular people It's probably just a little less freaky You should go through BuzzFeeds I don't want to do that And see what happens No I don't do it Chris No I don't want to go

I love some Buzz feeds No I don't want My girlfriend, my girlfriend Like she follows Buds feeds on Buzz feeds Buzz feeds She follows Bud feeds I can't see

You said it too Budfeeds I said it because of handicapped Hey man I'm actually gonna get a handicapped spot your handicapped will getting your ass beat. What?

I don't know. Is that a threat? Just threaten me? You fucking asshole? I just like, I word play threatened you. You word play threatened me. But yeah,

she follows them and she just tells me about these little article she reads. And I'm like, man. Are you okay? No. You okay? No, I'm not. You crashed your fucking, oh my God.

Let's not even talk to. I do. I felt so bad for you, I was not. It was not. It was. Okay. So,

it's a rough time. So, guys, I was just heading. It's heading to school, you know, to just, you know, be a regular student trying to get a job out of school. And I had just crashed. I crashed a car. Well, the car hit you.

It hit me, and then the car went swervy, and it was raining. I was real scared. And it wasn't even your car. And it wasn't my car. It was my girlfriend's dad. That I didn't ask to take. It's fucked up, man. That's fucked up.

And I was very scared because I'm dating a Mexican, and people go missing across them very often. Life is, life has been a box of mysteries given to me by the Reaper of death. I can't argue with that. Yeah. I can't argue with any of that. But at least you're not deathly ill. I was. You're not deathly ill.

Come on. I'm dying, Gabby. Oh, stop. It's fun for you to trivialize what's happening. Gabby, did you hear my big calls before? No. When I was whooping and wailing? No.

Whooping? Oh, you're fine. I'm not fine. Do you hear me? I just got you some nasal spray. Yeah, and it was awful, by the way. Thank you, though. I appreciate it.

Yeah. You're going to be set for 12 hours. You can breathe through your nose. I still can't hear, though. You know what? I think I might just be death for good. Wait, can you hand me that? I just want to see what I got you.

You don't know what you got me? I know. You don't know what I... I injected it into my brain. Now you're feeling all sorts of different. There was one that was sinuses, which they should all be. But I guess this one is just... Oh, this one's just nasal.

So this is just to unclog your nose. Had I gotten you the sinus one, you could hear. I'm not going all the way back to Ralph. I'll go. Ralphie boys. Ralphie boys. So you saw the Burley movie, right? Yeah, I did.

Is that good? It was great, but I didn't see it in theaters. What do you mean? What'd you see it? Well, I was just scrolling through a porn site one day, you know? As you do, as one does. Trying to get my yanks. Which, uh, which porn site?

It was porn site. You said it was Spank bang the other? Yeah, that's what you said. Yeah. Oh, so you lied. Spank bang. No, I saw, I literally saw the whole thing. It's insane.

But you lied. The entire thing. But you saw it on a porn site? Yeah. What was it called? It was like DB something It was DB's A and it had a bunch of numbers And I was like oh

Watch this So you got distracted and just watched like a movie And it felt like Because I saw it I was like What is this? And it was like 137 minutes

And I was like That's a long hentai I can't just be a hentai So I clicked on it I was like oh it's the drag wall Z movie Some guy fucking recorded the whole thing Oh so it was a cam Oh yeah

Oh really Very well put together though Like amazing quality There was no one in front of him So like it was this him like perfect like good camera he stuck a really good camera in there he snuck a red and right good he shot out of him honestly that's it's not it's a good it's a good movie man yeah that's not easy to do i was gonna see it tonight but like i can't hear so it's a good

dragon ballsy movie like if you see the closed caption uh screening see the deaf version get the braille version of it the braille version of the movie oh this is feel the screen this is sick it's like 3d but it's it's like it beeps in morse code that's insane that's what they need of deaf people yeah i guess so it'll just be loud actually. It would just be loud subtitles. Whoa. I can't comprehend Braille.

Whoa, I feel it. I can't comprehend Braille at all. I mean, it's wild, but it's like, like, because I, I put my hand over a bunch of those bumps

and I can't make heads or tails of it. I just, this, it just feels like, ah, okay, it's a bunch of metal bubbles. I learned halfway braille

because of Pokemon when I was younger. Halfway Braille. Yeah, like I learned braille a little bit because of Pokemon when I was younger. Was that the one where he goes to, to get the unknown?

The road to Reggies. What the fuck? Yeah, to catch all the regis Needies. To catch regis Yeah, that's right. Reggie Ice, Reggie Rock, and Reggie Steel. Ah.

Did you play, like, Ruby Sapphire? No, I'm not a, I'm not a dweeb. Oh. I was too busy getting laid. I'm getting pussy and fucking 12. Yeah, when you were like 11. You fucking misfit. The fuck out of here.

Get out of here. Leave. You fucking misfit. You get told that by a bunch of kids in wheelchairs. Being bullied by kids in wheelchairs is got to be pretty rough. I was thinking about, like, when I was bullied today. Like, I was at work, and I just started thinking about when I used to get bullied in Catholic school. Yeah.

That was brutal. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, I got bullied in Catholic school, too. I got bullied. There was this one girl, like, she pinned me to, like, a, uh... Okay.

Like, the fence. And she, like, dug her, like, thumb-nail into, like, my, like, scar in my forehead. And, like, the, uh... I don't know, we had, like, a bunch of women standing around who are, like, the lunch monitors. And they would watch this happen. And no one did anything. It's fucking crazy Yeah

Sounds like Catholic school though Yeah I remember when I was a kid in Catholic school There was a lot of kids had a lot of pentahanger I was a kid in Catholic school These girls who were like five grades above me Like grabbed me by my tie and like Lynched me basically

Oh wow Fucking lynched me right in front of the body of Christ I was looking directly into a Help me And Jesus was looking at down at me like Oh no I'm a little tied up right now Can't help you

Yeah Catholic school was so hard A little busy Just because I was always bullied Falls off the cross And like It starts clawing and clawed out of like a fucking Gremlin Dude, I remember like not wanting to go to school because a girl told me she would like, she was going to punch me.

Really? She was just like, don't go to school. I will hit you. And I was like, okay, I'm not going to come to school. Got it. Loud and clear. Understood. Yeah, I'm not coming in.

But somehow, like, someone got wind of this. And like you do, you put the victim and the bully in the same room and they talk it out. Oh, yeah. So in front of the teacher. So I remember her saying, Gabby, I would never hit you. And then I remember us leaving and she'd be like, I'm going to hit you so hard. Kids are pretty rough. Yeah, no.

I was bullied in the city until I started fighting people back. Basically. Yeah, I have pretty much the same experience. I was bullied up until, I think, like, eighth grade. And then, like, the last day of eighth grade, I was like, this kid who was, I would get on the bus and he would just sit behind me and, like, slam my head against the backboard. Every fucking day. I was like, all right, I'm not going to hit him because I just don't want a fucking deal. I don't want to deal with, like, the bureaucracy of it afterwards.

They don't want to... They did masculine you after you get somebody. It's just like, I don't want to get called into an office and then have to explain shit and then like have to tell my parents that I punched a fragile fuck. I don't want to deal with that. But then like it was the last day of eighth grade and I was like, you know what? I'm going to high school. What are they going to do? Say, I can't come to school tomorrow.

We're done. So he does it and I'm like, all right, you've sealed your fate. And then we pull into the, we pull into the bus parking spot at the beginning at the school. The door is open. I stand up. I turn around and I deck his face into the, I falcon punch his face into the window. He bust his lip,

bleeds, cries, and I walk out and I'm immediately thrown into the principal's office. Immediately. It wasn't like, oh, everybody clapped. None of that. It was just like, what'd you do? Like, he was the fucking victim. Chris, what did you do, Chris?

They put me in the principal's office and they were like, what happened? And I was like, I punched him. Because I was annoyed. But I never got bothered after that, ever. That kid, I don't know what happened to him. I think he's dead. Probably.

The inner city kids are like, they're really, they're terrible. Inner city kids are monsters. Yeah. They're, they're demons. And like, if you don't fight back, they'll keep pushing you. So, like, I used to go to, I lived in a grand concourse and I would go to him like, like, it was a school called 339 or Diana Sands. And you have to go by Trimont Park.

So some kid would bully me every time. He would, like, throw up me every single time I'd walk past. And motor cousin would be like, hey, do you want me to go fuck him up? And I was like, nah, Eric, don't beat him up. And he kept doing it. He kept doing it. And he was like, Kingston. If you don't hit him, I'm going.

gonna beat the shit out of you right here in front of him so then he'll beat you up more so i happily took off my little power rangers backpack and just proceeded to dog that kid never bothered me again that was the last time i got bullied until i moved upstate but i was like you're a new place and i had to fight again because you know yeah yeah you just have to keep doing it whenever you're new you have to sort of like hey i'm not going to take this and you have to hurt people unfortunately or you can threaten them enough some people need to be hit honestly it's hard oh yeah for sure it's really man. They do.

It's really hard to not, like, it's really, really, really difficult to just, like, talk people down from bothering you. Sometimes you really have to put your hands on. Yeah. And it sucks. But that's everyone's story. I feel pretty great. It feels pretty good.

I never had a problem with that after. I had a problem. Because I think, I think after that, I realized, oh, I can just beat these people up. And I never, I never worried about it. I hated it. I never got, I never had a problem. I never, I never got into any fights or anything. I'm sure, like, kids would, like, bully me without, like, not to my face.

They would probably like say shit. Oh yeah, for sure. At that point, I'm like, I don't really care enough. I was going to Xbox. I called my N-word. That's the other thing, too. I feel like I betted heavily from experiencing real-life bullying on its own and then segueing into the online ecosystem.

We had, like, we had good. Whereas kids now have that both at the same time. I can't imagine what that's like. I would have, if Instagram was a thing when I was a kid, I think I would have hated being a kid. I think I would have hated it. I don't like Instagram that much now, honestly. Yeah, I don't like social media now as it is.

I only do it because I feel like I have to. Like, especially as someone in our, like, I feel like I have to exist in all these different things. And it's just one more thing I have to do during the day. And I feel so like I should barely have it. Like, I upload Instagram maybe like a year ago, last one I uploaded something. And it was because of my girlfriend. Like, it was like, oh, I love my girlfriend. Here's a picture of me loving her.

That's it. Like, I don't care about it or not. How tender. Pretty gay. I mean, yeah, I agree. I'm feeling like next, next, next. level dead. Hello, hello, I'm Malcolm Gladwell, host of the podcast Smart Talks with IBM.

I recently sat down with IBM's chairman and CEO, Arvin Krishna, and I asked him, how can companies use AI to its fullest potential to create smarter business? My one advice to them, pick areas you can scale. Don't pick the shiny little toys on the side. For example. If anybody has more than... 10% of what they had for customer service 10 years ago, they're already five years behind.

If anybody is not using AI to make their developers who write software 30% more productive today, with the goal of being 70% more productive, so we are not asking our clients to be the first experiment on it. We say, you can leverage what we did. We're happy to bring out all our learnings, including what needs to change. in the process, because the biggest change is not technology, is getting people to accept

that there's a different way to do things. To listen to the full conversation, visit IBM.com slash smart talks. All right, quick quiz for the hiring managers out there. What's worse? Being understaffed or being poorly staffed? Well, that's a trick question, because both are recipes for chaos. Either way, just say to yourself, this is a job for indeed sponsored jobs. You'll get matched with candidates that meet the skills, certifications, and everything else you're looking for. Or go a different way and get no traction.

Seriously, sponsored jobs posted directly on Indeed are 95% more likely to report a hire than non-sponsored jobs. It really is a no-brainer. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Less stress, less time, more results. When you need the right person to cut through the chaos, this is a job for Indeed's sponsored jobs. And listeners of this show will get a $75-sponsored job credit to help your job get the premium status it deserves at Indeed.com slash podcast. Just go to Indeed.com slash podcast right now. Indeed.com slash podcast.

Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed's sponsored jobs. You'll be fine, dude. Yeah, come on. Yeah, come on. I'm sweating. Like, I'm actually like sweating. You have a fever probably.

Yeah. No, I don't have a fever. I like fevers. You like fevers? Yeah. You just like being... Wait, can you look at me? Yeah, your eyes are a little not okay looking.

What does that mean? I mean, like... You're divulging into a fucking nudge. Don't you see a kinks and look at his eyes? Your eyes are glossed. Yeah, your eyes are very glossy and also like one eyes like partially closed. You're not looking good. I'm what...

Oh, one eye is actually partially closed. Yeah, do you see that? Holy shit. What you're fucking talking about? Chris, you fucking dying, bro. I'm fine. Yeah, you're actually way worse than what I thought, dude. You better get in that bed and sleep

Sleep off the sick They better quarantine you under a bus You know why I'm sick because you gave you you gave you poison I didn't poison you if anything I'm just trying to help What is this oxy Metazylene Sounds like something you put in a car Fast powerful congestion relief

I disagree with this assessment You're breathing For cold and allergies I'm not cold I'm very warm Nor am I allergic Yeah no No

No No No No more of my analogy You can breathe out of your nose Vagely Yes Well, you better stick that in your nose and squeeze it.

I'm not going to do that again. I think you need another blast of it. I don't need to be blasted again. You need a second blast. Round two. I've been blasted enough. Are you guys excited for the Sonic the Hedgehog movie? Yes.

How? Oh, absolutely. I'm going to watch it, but I am not excited. I am ready for it. How could you not be excited? Yeah, Kingston. Come on. Have you seen the pictures?

Have you seen his thighs? Have you seen his calves? Oh, this is some luscious thighs. Have you seen his calves, Kingston? Every time I look at that picture, I just feel like I'm looking at something that isn't real. They should have made it like a, like a puppet. A puppet? Yeah, commissioned the Jim Henson Creature Shop.

You know what they should have done? Not made that movie. They should have just cast him as a person. Just like a guy. You remember the Mario movie where they just, like, Bowser was supposed to be like a dinosaur, but he was just fucking Dennis Hopper. With Spikey hair. It's just Dennis Hopper with like some fucking hot topic spikes in his head. That's what they should have done.

Who gets the rights to these movies? It's a Sony. Who's making Sonic? Sony. Sony. Really? Yeah. They need to stop.

What if it's the Spider-Vverse team? I'm pretty sure it's like the same team that did Woody Woodpecker. Oh my God. We're in for such a great ride. Because I'm pretty sure that was also Sony. Maybe. I cannot believe that these things have gone unpunished. Why are you so anti-Sonic?

I don't understand. Yeah, Kingston, come on. Because Sonic should never interact the real world. I agree. You should only be animated. I don't even think you should be animated. I don't even think you should be in a video game to be honest. Oh, he needs to stop now.

He needs to, can you put him in a big game? Did you ever play the Sonic games? Yeah, I played a ball. I never liked any of them. I liked Sonic and Knuckles and Adventure Battle. That was a bad game, but I like it. I just... I love City Escape, one of my favorite songs. But that's not the game, though. It's just the song. But it came from the game.

I mean, that's one of the only really good levels in that game, though. Yeah. I mean, that's... Okay, so Sonic Adventure 2. Turing around every turn. It was a pretty good game. Considering all of the other Sonic games. It's one of the better ones. That game is still a mess. 3D Sonic games. Like the 2D, classic ones.

They're good games. They're good games. I don't think they are. Okay. It's a game about speed, right? You're supposed to go as fast as you can. Oh, stop. You're supposed to go as fast as you can.

There's the whole point of Sonic. He's like, you're too slow. I'm big quick. You're too slow! And he's flying across the screen, and then you hit a wall, and then you stop immediately. Because you've got to evade the walls. But how are you supposed to evade the, there's no time to see what's ahead of you. It's in four by three.

You can't fucking see what's ahead of you if you go that fast. You jump. You jump. You better get some better replixes. You jump. How do you know when to jump? When you see a wall coming. By the time the wall collides with you,

your brain is already in the middle of sending the signal to jump. Like there's no fucking, unless you've played the game multiple times, that's a trial and error game. Chris, you know what I'm hearing? You're too slow. Yeah, you're too slow to process how to play this game. It's a trial and error game. You can't just rely on quick reflexes the first time you played.

You can't do that. Some people are swift. Some people are swift because they've played it a bunch of times. they know it like the back of their hands I mean I don't really know what the back I know there's a scar on the back of my hand right I can't say with a hundred percent confidence that I know what the back of my hand looks like from memory I looked at my left hand I thought I looked at my left hand but I was thinking it was my right hand what is that mean because I don't know exactly which hand has a scar on it I'll make you uh I'll make you

some new hands yeah if you can make me like robot hands I'll definitely get rid of these fucking stupid ass things yeah I don't know nah nah if I want them to be metal so I can choke things and not feel it I'll make you uh I'll make you like you're you some flat metal hands out of like sheet metal. Nah, I mean, man, you know what? That's a start. I'll start there. I would do that.

I think, you know what? I think not flat sheet metal hands, maybe not that specifically. But the metal hands, I take my hands. But if I could be like, you know what, I'm going to get like bionic knees. I would do that, I think. Even if there's nothing wrong with my knees, as they are. I think I would just go ahead and just like circumvent the whole issue. But if it gets really cold, it would suck though.

Because you got metal on your body. I mean. Hello, hello. I'm Malcolm Gladwell. of Smart Talks with IBM. I recently spoke with IBM's new director of research, Jake Mbata. We discussed his vision for the future of quantum computing. At IBM research, what we always do is answer what is the future of computing, whether it's coming up with new algorithms, coming up with better AI, coming up with quantum, or coming up with just how do different

accelerators go together. It's our DNA to answer the question of what is the future. Isn't it a perfect problem for IBM because you kind of need to have a legacy of building stuff. Yes. Building actual physical machines. Yeah, it's why I came to IBM. I wanted the experience, the culture of building hard things that others have not done before. Where do you imagine we are in the timeline of this technology? There will come a point when it will mature.

Right? Yeah. My cell phone is a mature technology at this point. How far are we from that point with quantum? By 2029, we'll build the first fault-tolerant quantum computer. That is one that can run a very, very large, large problem. To learn how IBM is building the future of computing, visit IBM.com slash quantum. All right, quick quiz for the hiring managers out there.

What's worse? Being understaffed or being poorly staffed? Well, that's a trick question, because both are recipes for chaos. Either way, just say to yourself, this is a job for Indeed's sponsored jobs. You'll get matched with candidates that meet the skills, certifications, and everything else you're looking for. Or go a different way and get no traction. Seriously, sponsored jobs posted directly on Indeed are 95% more likely to report a hire than non-sponsored jobs. It really is a no-brainer.

Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Less stress, less time, more results. When you need the right person to cut through the chaos, this is a job for Indeed's sponsored jobs. And listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit to help your job get the premium status it deserves at Indeed.com slash podcast. Just go to Indeed.com slash podcast right now. Indeed.com slash podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire?

This is a job for Indeed's sponsored jobs. That's a pain thing. You get big pain from it. Do you? Or big aches. Is that a thing? Yeah, actually. How do you know?

And it gets cold. Because metal in your body starts cooling down before your body does. But there's metal in our body anyway because there's iron in our blood. Traces of iron and our blood, you damn marmoset. There's traces. There's traces of blood and metal also. No, it's not. Did you not see this? This new fucking research thing?

That me. Yeah. You're lying to me. No, I'm dead serious. What the f- You don't know if I'm lying or not. No, I can very well be. I don't believe you.

Thanks, and you can just easily pull up your phone and prove me wrong. I don't want a Google. I don't want to be proven wrong. You don't want to find out that metal bleeds. No, I don't want to Google that. And in that fact that I googled that and someone's like, are you fucking serious? How is metal going to have blood?

I think there's a lot of things we don't understand. That's very true. But I'm sure metal doesn't bleed because it doesn't have blood. That's something that people say, by the way, to justify literally anything. There's a lot of things we don't understand. Yeah.

Which is why I... Like, where the fuck did dolphins come from? What the fuck is that? I think we understand where dolphins come from. What do you mean? Where did dolphins come from? That's not one of the mysteries of light where the dolphins come from. That's definitely one of those creatures is like, what the fuck is that, dude?

Like, what's wrong? I think there are weirder creatures out there. Then dolphins? Yeah. The platypuses up there. Platopuses up there. A lot of sea creatures that aren't dolphins. Yeah.

Like those really deep sea creatures, the ones that are like translucent. Yeah, dolphins are like the least weird sea creatures. Nah, they're disgusting. What do you? They're disgusting. They're just, you could think they're disgusting. They're not the weirdest like octopuses. Like, what the fuck is that?

Oh, that's, that's definitely an old word creature. You can put them in a jar and they can, they know how to get out of it. It a sealed jar. They don't have to fix that. They don't have rectify that situation on their own without any, without like looking up YouTube tutorials. I saw an octopus go up a rope. Yeah.

I think we watched that video together. I saw an octopus. It's not all right. Grab a man and try to pull him in the water to take care of him quicker. Yeah, that's why I don't like, I don't like the ocean. I don't like sea creatures. The ocean scares me more than space. Yeah, no, I will not go on a boat.

You won't go on a boat? I mean, I'll do it if I have to, but otherwise, no. Even if I had to, like, if they were like, oh, man, we're about the St. Kingston, get on this lifeboat. Like, no, I'm going, I'm going to drown. Yeah, I don't trust. I'm going to fly boats. I think I agree.

I would rather go into open space than open water. For sure. I don't like space either. Because space, like, if I ever looked out into the darkness and just saw darkness and no light, I would break. There's always light. I mean, you'd hope that. There's stars everywhere. I mean.

Like glistening consistently. I just don't. I don't. I'm a monkey, you know. I'm a monkey. Yeah. And I'm just happy that I'm on earth. I don't want to go nowhere else.

Yeah, you're not supposed to be. in the ocean. I don't want to go to space. Fuck space. Like there's a reason you don't see chimpanzees like swimming across the fucking Atlantic because they're not supposed to. You know chimpanzees can't swim? Can they really not? They actually can't swim. What do you mean? They can't swim. Why can we swim? Because we're smarter

than we learned how to swim. Because the hair? It gotta be the hair actually. I think they're just not smart enough to understand how to swim. Well because swimmers like they shave their entire bodies. I mean, I make they get all slicking rubbery. But that makes them fast. You know like a seal. That's what they're just the principle, right? They can glide through the water like a seal. That's just for speed's sake.

Yeah, for speed. That's for the quicks. But, like, I mean, a chimpanzee is significantly hairier than a fucking person. Yes, but swimming takes technique. I guess. Yeah, but dogs can also sort of swim, right? Yeah, but it's a technique to have. They have a certain kind of swimming form.

But you can't, you can't tell me that, like, let's say there's like a, the most extreme hairless person that you can, like a progerian person going through chemo. Like they're swimming through the ocean Oh no They're not like actually like I'm just I'm just using that as an example of something that's as hairless But like just like a hairless person like completely like Lasered like lasered like lasered off fucking Right and then you you you put uh I don't know like a hairy fucking

Like Sasquatch looking guy in the ocean They both have the same amount of swimming experience I'd imagine that the hairless You know Yes, they'd be more hydrodynamic. They'd be able to move through the water easier. Hydro dynamic. Yes.

That's what I'm talking about. Yes, but Chris. That's why chimpanzees can't swim because they don't understand the mechanics of swimming. They can figure it out. I don't think they would. They know how to stab things with sticks and like, you know, that's like, that's a couple steps away from swimming. Swimming takes technique. It doesn't really.

It very much so does. Now, because I don't know how to swim. I can swim just fine. You understand the method. that put one arm in front of the other and then pull the water through. No, I don't know how that works. How do you, where are you? I just, I go in the water.

I go in the water and I just know, you know, it's just something kicks into my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my dula starts spinning. Then I'm like, I'm gliding through the ocean like, you know what we should buy a bunch of apes and teach him how to swim. Buy an ape? You can go to Ralph's and purchase a, I thought Petco. I thought pet co sold wild animals when I was really small. I did, I thought that too when I was a child.

What the fuck could I get a bear for? From Petco? I went to fucking little shitty Petco by Yankee Stadium in fucking Honesty First They had fucking gerbils. I was like, God damn it! They blinded me again. Pet Shops are really kind of sad. Yeah.

We used to go to pet shops a lot. Yeah, we did. Yeah, and we would just be sad. Sad. Well, actually, I saw a very sad one. I was in a really sad one in Queens. It was terrible. They had these, they had dogs in like these, in walls.

They had dogs in walls. Walls? Yeah, I mean, they had like the acrylic sheets so you can see the dogs. But it was like a wall of dogs. Like, not cages in the walls. And no food or water, just paper on the ground. I couldn't work at places like that. No, I would just set them free one day.

Yeah, I feel like I would be compelled to do that. Oh, yeah. But this place was terrifying. They just sold these dogs and like a leash. Nothing else, just dogs and leashes. I really want a puppy. Like, I really want a puppy. Like, when I finally get my own place with my woman, I'm going to get a puppy.

And I'm going to name it Blaster. I wanted a chameleon for a long time, and then I found out that they just lived for like a year. Oh. Really? That sucks. Yeah. Isn't that suck? They're so cool.

You just keep it on your shoulder and it'll like, you can walk through the streets. And then like a fly will come by and like bother you and it'll be like, they'll get the fly. Thanks, bud. And then he'd turn around and like with his one eye and like wiggle it at me. You know? It sounds like it'd be so cool. Like, chameleons are always so neat. They could change color and shit.

I could put it on my face and wear like a mask. Ew. I mean, it's not like that. Yeah. Not like that. I mean, you guys don't know. You've never had a chameleon. But...

Neither have you! But I've thought about it a lot. Okay. I mean, you should get it anyway. Just get a camellion anyway. It'll be a great year for you. Yeah, it would be... Until it's dead.

Until it can't wear it on my feet. I would love to... Imagine you try to, like, rob a baggie. You put, like, a chameleon right on your face, and you tell it, Mark. And it disguises... It turns into Mark's face. Or, like, Daniel's face. Just has these faces memorized by name.

You command it to camouflage. That's really scary. You have like a very, very useful teammate. Well, I mean, it's still a chameleon, though, so it's not actually big enough to cover your whole face. People are going to tell. So it alters portions of your face. So you just look confusing.

That's Mark's mouth on that Stan's face. Why do you have Jeremy's eyes with Robert's lips? And also, why is your nose, lips and eyes extruded off of your skull? Stop asking questions and fill up the bag I don't know what I would say if I would a bank I feel like I don't know I don't think I have I'd be like hey can I have that I think I have the speech down thought it out before you've thought it out before yeah I'd walk in I'm like everybody get on the ground before I make your motherfuckers whole year to Swiss cheese put the money in a fucking sack I think they'd be I think they'd be too afraid Oh no that I would shoot somebody if I was robin the bank yeah they're not paying attention to your life you can say anything it doesn't have to make sense

Like everybody got on the ground before I subscribe to Sports Illustrated like you could say that And it'd be just as frightening because it's a fucking man with a gun in a bank. Everybody, everybody suck my dick. Everyone, everyone, everyone! And then you started shooting. Yeah, you shoot the ceiling. Shoot the ceiling? The Dan from accounting falls through the floor.

You shoot the ceiling and a piece of tile falls on you. That's it. Yeah, and then you die? Just a tile? A piece of tile. It's a piece of tile that falls on you, but it has asbestos on the other side of it, so now you got cancer. Oh, man. You actually have stage four brain cancer

I don't know how you got this really fat You were here two days ago You were looking great You were fine two days ago And now you have stage eight cancer That shit ain't real Yeah that's so bad that it's not even real yet Yet

We just made it because of you Well you know how time works We didn't have AIDS like 2,000 years ago Probably I don't know man You know And now all of a sudden hey God's like oh we've got computers

We gotta kill them They went to space for a little bit You gotta slow them down They'll find where I am Yeah Gotta put these things down Alright What is this

What is the country It's probably not even a country It's probably like A tribe or like society I don't know There's like some tribe somewhere That like eats monkey brains You're not supposed to do that

As far as I know What I realize That eating brains is just like That's fucked up I saw cow brain In like a AMP I mean you can eat other brains But not your

Not like a human brain Yeah Because that makes you go insane Actually, is that real? Yeah, I think so. I think it's like the equivalent of like mad cow disease or something like that Where like it fucks with your your brain Madman?

It just, it's, you, you go crazy. Mad man disease. I'm madman disease. I'm angry man. I'm madman. I'm madman. I'm so stuffy. I'm so fucking stuffy.

It doesn't even sound like I'm saying words. You've had the angry boy disease. Angry, what does that mean? I've seen you yelling all day. I don't yell. You scream. I'm the quietest person in this apartment. That's actually true.

Yeah. Like actually true. We got a noise complaint. Yeah, yesterday. Because of Smash Bros. Yeah, you guys were getting really hyped. Yeah. It was a bit much.

It was a lot. It was a bit much for a lot. It was a bit much for me. Because no one had anything to do the next day and you were like, oh, let's this play smash too late. But I would appreciate noise complaints. I don't appreciate that. Yeah, no, me either. Knock on the door and tell me.

Yeah, they called you, right? I don't. Yeah, they could. The fucking manager calling saying, we got some noise complaints. I'm like, do you fucking deal? Like, I don't like this, like, idea that's like, oh, I'm going to tell the,

I'm going to tell mom on you. Yeah, like, come to my house and tell me you have a problem with me. It's the idea of that I think if you come in person, I feel like humanely, I'd be like, oh, man, this person came here themselves and they really like me to quiet down. No, but not.

That's the thing. Because I, it's a human connection. If somebody comes up to me, if somebody comes up to me, and they're like, hey, excuse me, hey, I'm next door, you know, uh, it's pretty late to be doing this, you know, I'll take that in consideration

I'm like No, but like the second I get like a call Like you got a noise complaint It's like the second I'm immediately resentful And I don't care Yeah

Like fuck off In fact everyone else Be louder I'll buy your fucking apartment Get the fuck out of here Everyone I would just tell everyone to just be louder That's what I call spite my friend

I'll put your fucking parents in a home You stay the fuck away from me I'll buy your property Then sell it And these kids are like fucking Breaking our windows Oh somebody broke our fucking tap dancing

above my room at like two in the morning. Yeah, and you don't complain. I don't give a shit because you know what? I don't care. Because ultimately at the end of the day, I'm going to live far longer than these people. Because I have a plan

that I won't get into. No, I want to hear this plan. No, I can't. He plans on acquiring immortality. I... There are things in the works. I just, I don't know. This sounds love crafting.

I don't want to be involved in any more. I just don't like... Hello, hello. I'm Malcolm Gladwell, host of Smart Talks with IBM. I recently spoke with IBM's new director research, Jake Embatta. We discussed his vision for the future of quantum computing. At IBM research, what we always do is answer what is the future of computing, whether it's coming up with new algorithms, coming up with better AI, coming up with quantum, or coming up with

just how do different accelerators go together. It's our DNA to answer the question of what is the future. Isn't it a perfect problem for IBM because you kind of need to have a legacy of building stuff, building actual physical machines. Yeah, it's why I came to IBM. I wanted the experience, the culture of building hard things that others have not done before. Where do you imagine we are in the timeline of this technology? There will come a point when it will mature.

My cell phone is a mature technology at this point. How far are we from that point with Conta? By 2029, we'll build the first fault-tolerant quantum computer. That is one that can run a very, very large, large problem. To learn how IBM is building the future of computing, visit IBM.com slash quantum. All right, quick quiz for the hiring managers out there. What's worse? Being understaffed or being poorly staffed? Well, that's a trick question, because both are recipes for chaos.

Either way, just say to yourself, this is a job for Indeed, sponsored jobs. You'll get matched with candidates that meet the skills, certifications, and everything else you're looking for. Or go a different way and get no traction. Seriously, sponsored jobs posted directly on Indeed are 95% more likely to report a hire than non-sponsored jobs. It really is a no-brainer. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Less stress, less time, more results. When you need the right person to cut through the chaos, this is a job for Indeed's sponsored jobs.

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You have a problem with me. You tell me. Exactly. It's up front. It's honest. It's more likely to work. It's more genuine at that moment. It's like, hey, just please question.

I've done that before. But yeah, like, it's not, I don't know. I've never felt the need to call management. By the way, we still have this fucking roach problem, I think, probably. I didn't have a smoke detector installed in my apartment. Oh, yeah, you don't have a smoke detector. I do now? But, like, that's after I called, like, the landlord and I was like, hey, do I need to buy my own smoke detector?

And she was like, you don't have a smoke detector. And I was like, absolutely not. I don't see one anywhere. You didn't bring a smoke. Hey, what are you a fucking dumb ass? What are you stupid? What are you dumb? But then, like, she was like, okay.

Okay, we'll install it next week. I'm like anything could happen within that week. I'm not too worried about smoke detectors. I mean, I know. But it is super weird that your apartment doesn't have. Yeah. And it didn't even seem like it had a space for one. Because I remember when I saw your apartment for the first time,

and I was like looking around, I was looking for that specifically because I was curious. Yeah. It was like, oh, there's no fucking, there's no slot or like plastic thing. There's nothing for smoke detector. It's one of the ones that you just have batteries and you stick it on the wall. I don't really feel like I need one because I know not to cause fires. But, you know, you should still.

I mean, it's the law to have one. It is the law. It's mandatory to have one. Yeah, it is the law. Is it, do we have one? Yeah. In the, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, the living rooms. I used to have one in my old house, and it started beeping.

And then eventually, I stopped hearing the beep because I ignored it so long. Do you remember those, you do that? Because you're a psychopath. Oh, yeah, I can sleep through alarms. Yeah, but then why? Yeah, I know. I know, I know you can sleep through alarms. Then why set the alarm?

Yeah. Because I try to wake myself up and it doesn't work. Don't set the alarms day. Yeah, don't say the alarm if you know you're not going to wake up. You do that all of the time, Kingston. Oh, always. Always. And then, like, some...

Dude, what do you listen to in the morning? Like, you know, like, the music video that he watches. Oh, yeah. Like, what? Oh, it's a song. But it's like a long song that's loud. I thought I'd wake me up. Oh, it doesn't wake me up.

It wakes me up. Oh, I'm awake. I hear it. I'm awake. I don't know how you don't fucking hear that. I should smash a banjo over your head. Every time you, every time you, like, leave that a lot more. You can do you can just fucking watch me while I'm sleeping, which you did yesterday.

I kind of forgot that memory. And I remembered it. I was like, he was fucking staring at while I was sleeping. What do you mean? It wasn't yesterday. You stood over me and you were looking at me while I was sleeping. And then I woke up and I was like, can you please stop staring at me? I don't know.

And then you walked away and then you did it. You were like, oh, hey, bye. People flying is just cool to me. People flying is just cool to me. It was cool. Tom Sweeney, 2019. Like, I just like it. Profound thought.

A prophet A thought for the ages A prophetic thoughts People flying is so cool to me Prophetic ideas Yeah There's big ideas See this is

This is the true exchange of ideas Yeah man We don't need debates No We don't need conversations You just need To understand why people flying is cool I like debates because like

I like when people just get angry You start fucking arguing It's like I love seeing debates fall apart That's all that That's every debate now No I've seen a bunch of like I mean I've seen debates from the past that are pretty good.

But lately it just feels like... Oh, the online debates are dumb. Oh, yeah, they're the fucking stupidest. They're just the stupidest thing ever. Because they're always about opinions. They're always about opinions that, like, are just not in serious enough to debate. Is Ghostbusters gay?

Here's my opinion. I watched the thing where it was, like, is... Is Stiles from fucking Teed Wolf and, like, Derek Gay? And I was just like, who the fuck made this? Teen Wolf? Who was talking about Teen Wolf anymore? I was just like, who made? Is that Michael J. Fox, Teen Wolf?

Yeah, the original one. Yeah. That was before he was a Quakerie. Before he was a Quaker Oates. He was shaking up the world, man. Time to shake things up. Have you ever seen the Kirby Enthusiasm episode with Michael J. Fox in it? No, I haven't.

It's so. We have to watch it. It's so vindictive. It's so good. We have to watch that his own, do you remember that show that he had a couple years ago? Like his own, like the Michael J. Fox show. I think that was a long while ago. That was a long while ago.

Oh, no, I think it was only one season, but we have to, we have to sit down. You did? You saw it? Yeah, I remember watching when I was younger. Oh, I mean, I never saw it, but I remember we would talk about it. It was advertised everywhere all over the city. And I was like, Chris, we have to see this. I really want to do like that.

That show was old. That show was like very old. What are the Michael J. Fox show? Yeah, I like, it's not that. Yeah, it's not that. It came out when I was, like, 2014, 2015. Yeah, 2014. What?

You're thinking of the show that he was on. Okay. In like the 80s before, or during Back to the Future? It was, it was like 90s. It was like 90s. She's the boss? What show was Michael J. Fox on? It wasn't the Michael J. Fox show?

You sure? It wasn't the Michael J. Fox show. Michael? Family ties. Family ties is what you think of. Was he at an office? No. You sure?

A bunch of people have already messaged me saying that they'd be totally done to do it, but I still got to figure out how I'm going to do it. But I really want to do like a curb-esque improv narrative show with other content creators playing like caricatures of themselves. So not us, Kingston. Yeah, not necessarily ourselves. Oh, thank God. A lot of people have come up to me and they said, like, I posted something about the idea on, like, Instagram because people are like, well, what do you think about doing?

I was like, I don't think about doing this. Like, a bunch of people, like, reached out, like, I'd be stoked to do that. So now I've just got to figure out how to do it because now everybody actually wants to do it. I think it'd be pretty cool. It could be a, it could be a fun idea. I'm dying. I'm actually, like, straight up. You just drank water and it hurt.

That's not how life works. Water hurts in general to me because it's just not enjoyable. Water's great. Is that like actually water from the bottle, or did you fill that up with the... This is water from the bottle, but it's pure... Because I know that yesterday, for some reason, you filled up a water bottle with the tap water here. Yeah, what do you mean? Why would you do that?

You know the water's terrible. I could do a filter. The filter that's here in this apartment? Yeah. Did you clean the... Did you change the filter? Yeah. Okay.

Okay, good. Yeah. Because the last time I drank it, it was not good. Oh, California water isn't good. California is bad. It's not good. Oh, I know that. I know it's bad, but I had some of your filtered water.

Oh, the filters was bad for a while, too. Because nobody changed it. I was the only person who was changing, and then I left it to see if anybody else would notice that it was, like, bad. I haven't drank filtered water in so long. Yeah. I just still bottles water from my girlfriend's house. That's reasonable.

Just take them. Like, go on the fridge, take three, and leave. I steal a lot of things. I've stolen cars. I've stolen apartments. I've actually stolen medicine. Have you stolen medicine for real? Yeah.

What? What do you mean? Like, would you steal? Like, the tile? One time I was like... Suitafed? No, one time, like, I had, like, I felt really bad. So I went to Walmart and just opened up a Benadry and took it.

Took a Benadryl then, like, on my walk home, it started getting unruly. Like, I started getting really tired on my walk home. Does Benadryl put you just into the sedative? Instantly, dude, it's really bad. I don't remember. I'm way too big to be put to sleep by Benadro, but like, it happens way too easily for me. Benadryl, that's what they used to put down elephants. No.

Yeah, you're probably right. They use rifles. Rifles that shoot bullets of Benadryl. Yeah, Benadryl bullets. And they cut their fucking dust. I'm Benadryl. This is the newest character in Mario, but it's just a big Benadryl that flies across the screen.

Puts Mario to fucking sleep. Sleeps him. Little mustachioed boy. You ever saw the picture of Mario and Luigi without their mustaches? Yeah, truly. I haven't seen that, but I don't think I want to say that. It's an awakening. It's an awakening.

It is. They're really gross Mario and Luigi Are they humans? They're humanoid? They're human-like. They're like, I'd imagine they're like fleshy Muppets.

You know? Well, there are like, there's Walter, that Muppet. Is he supposed to be a person? Yeah, he's a human. He's not a human, he's a fucking Muppet. Who's Walter? He's a humanoid Muppet.

He's just a Muppet that's a person. Which one? Walter. One of the two scientists? No, no, that's Stattler and Waldo? No, those are humans. Is he the balding guy? No, that's a honey-dew.

Fuck, I don't know anything about it. Who's Walter? Walter's just like one of the fucking people, he's like a people-muppet. But like Mario, like in the new game especially, in Odyssey, he goes to New York City or New York City or whatever the fuck you want to call it. It's New York. But he walks among humans, and he's very clearly not. But he's far more agile than the regular person.

He's far more. agile he's durable more he's not one of them he's excluded what he is is not that yeah he sticks out like a fucking like Mario would he sticks out like a fat tiny tiny Italian thing he's chung he's a chunky little Italian thing he's fucking morbidly obese dude he's nice chunky chunky what does that mean he's he's quite he's a little rotund he's a little rotund he's a little rotund but he's like he's not obese he's definitely chunky he's obese Mario is obese he's definitely not Mario's built like a baby.

Babies are fat. Babies are notoriously fat. They're chunky. You've never seen a skinny baby, Kingston? I've never seen a fucking emaciated penis. I have, I actually have seen skinny babies. I have never seen a skinny. I don't want to see a skinny.

I don't want to see a skinny babies. It's really saddening. I've never seen like a, like a tampon just falling out, like a skinny, like a person. Tube. Like a tuba? You said, stop, stop. Oh my gosh.

A tube. Oh, my Lord. Like just a tube. Oh, the tampon. Nothing got me, man. Whoa. I'm just saying like babies are rotund. Babies are plump.

They're obular. They're plump. What? They're plump. You're just saying obese in different ways. No. Obes is different. No.

See. See. See, seor! Where is my medicine? Somebody help. It was the first thing I learned how to say in Spanish. Really? No.

I don't chicklet first. That was like my first. Chiquet? Why? Because of gum. I love gum. But chicklet is a brand. You could have just...

I didn't know that. I just said gum. I didn't know that. So somebody said, how do I say chicklet in Spanish? And then someone else told you, oh, it's chicklet because that's what it is. No, my grandma was like, I love gum. She's like, I love chicklets. And I was like, what's chicklet?

Gum. I was like, oh, really? She's like, yeah. Like, wow. That's not... That's how I learned. You're like... But that's...

All right, well... I said, what's a chicklet? And she was like chicklets is gum. And I was like, oh, wow. And that was it. That's my first Spanish word. Okay. I'm actually, I'm actually bleeding through my nose at this point.

Okay. I can smell the iron. I can smell the iron. Tilt your head back. You'll be right. Till your head back. Just drown in my own blood. Yeah.

Wait until my skull overflows with my own, with my own crimson liquids. Anyway, that's going to be it for this episode of the Star Trek podcast. This is a bit of a shorter episode. Mm-hmm. because we're just settling into the new year. Next time we'll have someone on. I don't know, maybe Rice Pirate, maybe Kale, maybe Zach again.

Who the fuck knows? But we're going to try and do these a little bit more consistently. Don't expect them every week because fuck that. Negative. But certainly at least once a month, I think, is a pretty solid. That can be done. You know, that can be done. So, yeah, thanks for tuning in.

Stay tuned. Yeah, thanks for having me on, Chris. Of course. No problem, Grimmis. Thank you for joining us. This episode of the Snartang podcast is brought to you by nothing because no one would ever pay for a sponsorship on this shit. Goodbye.

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