The Snark Tank - #14: Scary Stories

Episode Date: March 19, 2020

Derrick is sick, so Gabby is back to fill in for our ailed companion. Will we set up a Discord? Is Spider-Man 2 better than Into The Spider-Verse? Sweeny and Chris face off. Is it homosexual to suck your own dick? Do all the kids die in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? Why is Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark so timeless? Why was the Twilight Zone awesome? Sweeny is afraid of the ocean and he's a huge silly bitch because of it. Gabby's social media:  https://www.instagram.com/teethlikemilk/  All this and more on this episode of the Snark Tank.  Hopefully this helps take your mind off of our crazy global situation. Stay safe. Be well.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

He said, little dead mean. Hey, everybody. Welcome to episode 14 of the Snark Tank podcast. It's me. Once again, Chris Raygun, and I'm joined by two other people. I've returned from the dark realm of misery, sorrow, and wimpiness. It's Tom Sweeney. It's me, Tom Sweeney.

Let me, finish my intro. Because you're taking too long. I like my, I was setting myself up. Yeah, you're sending yourself up for failures. What you were saying? Shut up. We're also joined by Gabby. Hi, it's been a really long time.

It's been a. Yes, yes. Unfortunately, Derek could not make it today. He was a little under the weather, and we didn't want to risk getting sickies also. Yeah, so Derek, we miss you. Hopefully he survives, but if not, you know, things happen. We'll move on. We'll move on real quick. I'll miss him, but like, you know what, he's just some black guy. Like, he'll be fine. Yeah. So. Probably his replacement. Some half Puerto Rican girl. So if you're, if you're listening to this on free feeds, if you're just listening to this on Spotify or on YouTube. or on iTunes, and you're not listening to the Patreon feed, you won't notice anything,

but this episode is a day late. Yes. Because yesterday everybody was too depressed to do literally anything because things are very, very strange right now. But hopefully, and I mean, I'm sure everything's pretty strange for everybody right now. Things are very bizarre. So our goal here today is just sort of... Uplift. Yeah.

Get your mind off of the crazy shenanigans. That's going on on this entire planet. But don't worry. We're going to make you laugh. We're here. We're going to have some jokes, some banter. This may not be as long as our usual episodes. Yeah, we might.

This may be quite a bit shorter than our regular ones. Yeah. But just because everyone feels a little text, a lot of weird shifts are going on. Yeah. I'm suffering some serious withdrawals. I'm not going to lie. Chris has not been able to ingest his copious amounts of snapple lately. Yeah.

And he's been feeling. It's genuine. I didn't realize how, how necessary it was an ingredient. He looks different now. He looks like a regular guy. He usually has this whole little goblin vibe going on. It's not there. It's just a real tired kid.

It's really bad. He looked like an exhausted 15-year-old. It's so bad. And I've been drinking this shit for a really long time. So I'm definitely not in any good shape. So that doesn't help. either, but like just to not have that little, I'm getting like the headaches. Like literally like like like the exact, yeah.

Like withdrawal, which is like wow. Then I forget, I forget often that there's caffeine in it. Yeah, caffeine is very serious. I forget. It controls people. I very, I forgot. I work at a coffee shop. Caffeine is, people, people go crazy.

You work at a coffee shop? You worked at a coffee shop. Yeah, you never know. We all worked. No, I'm a podcast host. Look at me. Look at you. Look at me.

I'm a podcast. So we got a bunch of questions here. There's no topic this week because the topic will be obvious, and we just want to be a distraction here. So we're just going to go through a lot of the questions that we got. This week, questions were open to all patrons instead of just the audience participation tier and above. So everybody who pays a dollar a month at patreon.com slash a snartank got to ask some questions for the first time. So we're going to be seeing a couple of new people here.

Yeah, I'm excited. Which is nice. Yeah, it's good to have variety. First one, of course, progerian rectal homicide. Oh, fantastic. Asks, when will you decrepit incels start a discord? I understand it's full of furries and pedos. But still, is that a problem with discord?

It's full of furries and pedophiles. I wouldn't know. I mean, I feel like it would be full of pedophiles. I don't know what it kind of. I mean, most places are full of pedophiles. That's true. Are they? Think about it.

Yeah, they're everywhere. They're in cells. Pedophiles? They're everywhere Wait What? Pedophiles aren't insals I don't know what insol is really actually

You know what an incal is? Not exactly I don't know people that just are hidden No, in cell is involuntarily celibate They're people who can't have sex Except when you look at them They're totally fine And they could probably

Really easily What do you mean? What is that way of time out? What does that mean? Do you remember Elliot Roger The guy who the shooter? Yeah He was an insolably

Because he just couldn't get laid? Yeah, he just couldn't get laid. So he's angry. That's what that means? Yeah, it means you, well, yeah. And it's like a group of people who can't get laid, but then they like kind of harbor resentment to women for it. Do you understand? I guess, I mean, it's not difficult to understand.

It's pretty, it's pretty, it's pretty basic, but like, it's a, I think anyone, I think just about anyway can get laid. It's a weird group to bring yourself apart. It's a weird. It's weird to, like, it's weird to state that I am this. Yeah, because you're just, you're saying. I just haven't been able to. You're setting yourself up for failure if you just, if you, hey, it'd be like, hey, I'm joining this club called I can't be friends. And you just, you're setting yourself up.

You're just setting yourself up. You shouldn't, some people may fall into that category, but you should not claim to be that. It's weird. It's weird to find camaraderie in that, especially because, like, I've seen a lot of photos. Like, they have, like, in-cell gatherings or whatever the hell. This is a real thing. I swear to you. and a lot of the times you'll see them

and it's like, why do you have a problem? Why do you have a problem? I mean, some of them genuinely do have issues. I mean, I'm sure some of them do. But like, you see some of them and you're just like, I don't understand what your problem is, dude. It could just not be about like looks.

It could also just be like, wow, you have a really shitty personality. Well, I guess, social habits, something like that. Yeah. Maybe they don't bathe. As far as the Discord goes, we might set a Discord up.

The problem is, I am very inept with Discord. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to make one or how to really... Monetize. You can't monetize Discord. Like, moderate. Moderate. Yeah, yeah. It's hard to moderate.

And I, like... I made a Discord and I was going to, like, put... I was going to, like, add people get involved in it. But, like, I just don't understand how to... Like, it's so alien. It's a really bad, badly designed... Like, I created it. It's, like, very...

It's, like, very available to jump into. But, like, I just don't know how. to do that or how to get any mods, like, mods for it? Yeah, it's... It's... It has mods, right? And I'm like, who am I gonna make my mod? And it's so... It's so much shit. It reminds me of Twitch, where Twitch is, like, pretty alien to me.

Like, I stream on Twitch all the time, and I still barely understand. Like, people send whispers to me. I'm like, what the fuck is this. Somebody had to... You know what a whisper is? No. It's a DM. Oh. They can't just say message. They have to be cute.

Whispers. Shut up. Just call it a message. You're confusing the shit enemy, and it's annoying. I'm whispering at you, Chris. Don't... It's not... It's not... It's a DM.

You're whispering me? Whispering? I'm whispering. I care, people. I care. But yeah, I don't know. Maybe we were supposed to have the video podcast up and running by now, but of course, things ensued. So, uh, we're probably not going to, that's probably pushed off a little bit.

So maybe, uh, maybe we'll, if anybody knows, if anybody knows how to work Discord at all, feel free to, feel free to help us because we don't know anything that we're doing. Like, Sweeney is particularly inept with technology. but I'm also inept in this case. Yeah, very much so. I can't figure Discord out. Swing it our way. If you got some info on that,

we'll definitely use it and cultivate it. And then we'll have a Discord also. You guys have talked to us other times, too. Yeah, yeah, it'd be good. Oliver Nielsen wrote in. Hi, Ollie. Is having sex with a sex robot considered necrophilia if it's out of power?

Hmm. I have never thought about that ever in my life. I've never thought about that in my life either. I have thought about a lot of abstract things. Well, wouldn't necrophilia have to apply that it is human? Necrophilia means that it was alive actually, therefore requiring, functioning like organic parts. So no, it's not. Yeah.

No, it's not, right? Because necrophilia requires having sex with something that is dead, right? Yes. But dead is referenced only to something that is alive. I guess so. Because on isn't alive. On is on. That's true.

I guess so. I guess it's working, but it's not on. Yeah. No, it wouldn't be, it wouldn't be necrophilia. That's silly. That's silly talk. that's you're crazy you're crazy Oliver

what a silly question although I will admit I've never thought about that before and it had me turning my gears a little bit I had to think real quick I had to use my real brain I'm like oh man

on the YouTube stream you called Spider-Man 2 the best superhero movie of all time why are you so wrong you are wrong but what do you mean you're welcome to an opinion

you know so it's technically to say the best is not wrong but you know you're very wrong I am definitely not very wrong okay sure

whatever you say what would you say into the Spiderverse You're crazy. You're insane. You're crazy. I'm getting physical. I'm moving physically right now because I'm getting upset.

I like into the Spider-verse a lot. Yeah, sure. I do. It's not better. And Spider-Man 2 is better than it? Yeah. No. In fact, I kind of think Spider-Man 1 is better than Spider-Man 2.

That's just objectively incorrect. I think Spider-Man 1 is better. I like that movie so much more. I think it's just a better movie. I think the villain is significantly better. I think that's actually, you couldn't be. I think it is, dude. I think Green Goblins perform.

What's your call his performance? What is his name? Norman Throbsborn. Norman Throbsborn. The Green Throbland? That's the Green Throblin. I think what you call it. I keep forgetting his name.

Willem Defoe. Willem Defoe. Yes. I think Willem Defoe, yes. I think Willembourg's Bertrand was hilarious. It was just great. It was just fantastic.

Right. I have to agree in that sense. It was so much better than what you call the performance as Doc Octopus. You're actually out of your mind. I think it was. You're out of your mind. I think there were better shots into due to the, like how Dr. Octopus's character moves around and does things.

But I definitely. I do not think that too was a better movie. Spider-Man 2 is by every mathematical metric, a better movie than Spider-Man. I think you overest my understanding of math, and that movie's not as good. And then it's absolutely not better than the Spider-Verse. Absolutely.

That's objective. No. Okay. I think it is. I think we're playing... Into the Spider-Verse's problem is that it has this tone that is completely shattered by John Mullaney. John Malini kind of ruins that movie

The more I see it The more I see into the Spider-Verse Yes Well I can agree Because I see how you can say that I see why you would Because like Spider-Man 2 consistently remains Pretty campy for the most part

Right Like it's just like a romp the whole time And Spider-Verse like it has like Its moments where it's taking itself A little too seriously And then John Malini comes in And he's like Yeah it's very weird

I think I think No this is my problem I'm gonna since the virus, actually. My only problem with it. I think that inherently most of the extra characters were just so vastly out of tone.

Like, he's like, what the fuck are, what the fuck is there a Spider-Man noir doing here, you know? Yeah. But like, every moment where I was concisely about Miles and Peter B. Parker was absolutely amazing. It's good. And Gwen was fantastic.

I don't have a problem. I don't have a problem with the movie, really. I think it's a better movie. It's a good movie. I think it's better, man. It's a good movie. If you're going by like obviously It's an animated movie so it's like

It's got a different level of superiority on that level Yeah Because animated visually yeah Visually like they're just more interesting And it looks really great That movie's gonna age super well Looks really great The character

The Marvel is amazing I mean Spider-Man too is gonna age really well too It has It has yeah All of those effects are practical With those like Octopus are But that's the thing though

Those The tentacles That is the most alarming Like that's the only good part about Doc Ock, I think. No. His movement with the tenant, like literally when I look at it is like, he looks cool because he's moving

but I don't really don't think he's like, I don't think he's that better than any movement. No, because in Spider-Man 1, Norman Osborne is a dick like immediately. Like he's just an asshole. Because he is a dick. Right, but like the difference is like with, in Spider-Man too, Dr. Octopus is like a genuinely sympathetic character from the majority

of the movie. He's, the character is a character in the Spider-Man video game, actually. And that's seen, man. And that's seen in the hospital when it goes all evil dead is like one of the best scenes ever. And the train fight scene is like one of the best fight scenes ever in a superhero movie period.

I... You can't disagree with that. I don't think so. I really don't think so. What's a better scene than that? I think it's a very great scene. I think it's fantastic. They take every advantage of that fight scene.

And you know it. They do. As of like, as of a superhero fighting in a particular area, Spider-Man's movement throughout the plane. The train is insane. Yeah. It's perfect. And then him stopping the train was this is the iconic moment.

Yeah. simply them carrying in but I just think that like that's cool that's really cool but that's also really old and like kind of goofy what does that mean what does that mean overly goofy that movie's super super super super overly there's a fucking talking pig I understand into the spiderverse dude but that's those moments are also the problems having the spider verse too there's this like there's talking about there's an anime girl yeah those that but like I don't know I just think I just give spider verse a better because of like the story. The story is better.

I think the story is better. I think the main character is better. The only flaw that Spider-Man 2 has is Mary Jane. But she's a flaw, period. Yeah. She's just, they don't have chemistry at all. Like Toby McGuire and, like, what's that girl who, like, bake some cookies? I don't, Emma.

Oh, the girl in the other apartment? The girl in the, um, yeah, the girl, the daughter, the daughter of the landlord. Like, they have better chemistry than Mary Jane. and Toby do. Like without a shadow of down. Her name is, her name is. I don't know what her name is. I don't think she has a name in the movie.

No, I'm talking about the actress for Mary Jane. Kirsten Dunst. Kirsten Dunst. I haven't heard that name in a long time. Crazy. Yeah, like, I don't know. That's my biggest problem with that movie. And even then, it's like, I don't know, man.

Like, everything about that movie around the romance just works so fucking well. I love that movie. Jay Jonas Jameson is, like, perfect. I kind of casting. He's perfect in all of them, though. He is great. But he's especially good in Spider-Man 2. I think in Spider-Man 1 he's really good.

Well, Spider-Man 2 is when he was wearing a suit, right? Yeah, Sparman 2 is okay, that's unfair. That's an unfair moment. Spider-Man 2 is when he's wearing the suit. It's when he talks about Dr. Strange, and he's like, that's good, but it's taken. You know, it's like, and it's like, there's so many good parts of Spider-Man 2. There's so many good parts about all of those movies. So, like, truth be told.

Like, all of those parts have parts with it, like, that's just amazing. Right. Like, people shit on Spider-Man 3. That's my favorite one. I think Spider-Man 1 is the best one But I think Spider-Man Spiderman 3 is my one I like enjoyed watching the most

Your opinions could not be more wrong on this And that's my favorite I'm not saying it's the best No right As the one I just enjoy the most And Sandman coming back together It's a good yeah It's insane that's really

That looks good still kind of Yeah it's a pretty good scene And it's like I have nostalgia for those movies definitely And I can admit that I those movies Mean a lot of when they came out And how small I was And I just like severely exacerbated

My love for Spider-Man That was already well well on its way But I can't I do the Into the Spider-Verrs a little better, but I also connect to Miles more than I do to definitely to Peter because he's the same ethnic background as me. And that's like, I guess. He's a Puerto Rican black and it's like, oh my God, that's me. I'm not.

Yeah. So like I really, but I, too's good, I guess. It's great, I guess. Spider-Man 2 is just like, I don't know. It's one of those things that just like, every time I see it, I like it more. And like, Into the Spider-Verse is kind of the opposite. Really? I like it a little bit less every time I see it because I think the animation is the main thing

that sticks out. And when you look past it and when the flash kind of goes away, you kind of notice the fact that why is... Don't do that. What I'm doing? I didn't even know it was that loud. What is that even? I didn't see the pen. I just saw you like playing a pen in half.

I was pulling it out. Whatever. Spider-Man 2 is really good. Into Spider-Verse is really good. Those are both movies that you should watch. Yeah. I don't know. I think... Those are definitely the best ones, I think. There's another one that's really good, too. I think Spider-Man 2 and Into the Spider-Verse are definitely like the best Spider-Man movies

that there are. Spider-Man 1 is like just below it. The problem of Spider-Man 1 is that like a lot of the fights are just really terrible. The action scenes in Spider-Man 1 are really fucking terrible. Yeah. The last scene is really good when they're fighting to the, when they're beating each other to a pulp in the building. And they slam each other?

Yeah. And then Green Goblin dies and he goes, oh. That scene is so perfect. That's a really good scene. But when they're fighting in like the parade. When they're fighting in a fiery building. It looks so goofy. Oh, like the little skeleton people.

Yeah, when the skeletons come up. And then, like, there's a scene where, like, it's just the Green Gomblin's asshole. It's just, it's just, you're just gazing into his asshole. And he's, like, shooting, he's shooting the Spider-Man, and he's, Spider-Man is running, like, a guy, like, just, like, a dude. It's a really weird scene. You'll know it when you see it.

But, uh... It's insane. It has not aged as well. I love it still, but, yeah. I love that movie. Like, Spider-Man 1, I think, is actually, like, better than a lot of people think it is. but three is terrible. Three is fun for like all the wrong reasons.

Yes. Yeah. But it's so fun. It's so fun. We watched that movie, Every Thanksgiving's living. We do. Actually.

Everything's living it somehow ends up on. It's become a tradition that one. It's not all we put it on anyway. The puppeteering on the fucking. It's amazing. The puppeteering on the tentacles is like really good. It's insane, dude. It's part of why that movie still looks really good.

Dude, like the thing you were talking about like when he started harming people when he started like talking to him, like he was in the hospital. That's an insane scene. Like it is... And when he flips the car when he's outside and it's just like really well shot. And when he's carrying him up

and how well it looks like him. Like it actually looks like they're sticking into... It's done amazingly. There's a scene too where he's where Spider-Man swinging to the where the train fight is going to happen to the clock tower.

Which is just a cool setup. But then also like the camera zooms out and then like turns into his glasses. Oh yeah, yeah. It's just such a good... It's shot so fucking well. It is. That's really good shots.

Even that weird freeze frame. When he's fucking, that's what's in Spider-Man too, right? When he's like doing the montage to raindrops keep falling on my head. Yeah. When everybody's getting hurt and he's just not doing shit about it. Oh, yeah. When he's not Spider-Man anymore.

Yeah. And I love that movie too because it's the movie that shits on Peter Parker the most. Yeah. He suffers like crazy in that. I think three tries to, but two definitely gets the, he gets the most just unfair shit. That one night at the ball with the,

Jameson's son the astronaut and Mary Jane at the gala or whatever the fuck the NASA gala or whatever the fuck and he just like everything is wrong his friend slaps him in the face in front of people

in front of everyone his girlfriend is getting married to some fucking dude and then he goes for an hors d'oeuvre and it gets taken away the last minute and he holds this fucking look where he's like what the fuck man I can't even get a pig in a blanket

like that movie like does a really good job of just like shitting on him. And you generally feel sorry for him. Yeah. It's not like in three where you're just kind of like, whatever. And there's a great scene where his power stop working and he slams into the fucking car. Yo, the way he hits the car, it's hilarious.

That is a convincing. That is a convincing shot. That's a Chris Evans level fall. Like, Chris Evans is masterful at falls, but that was up there with it. There's actually a lot of good falls in the original trilogy in general. They are? Really? Yeah, because like when Harry falls...

Oh, the doing. When Harry and Spider-Man 3 gets like closedlined into like six separate different really hard textures Dude, the thing that's crazy is when he hits the web First, that sets the scene You're like, you hit a web that hard Yeah, that's already bad. What is that web made of? That's already painful, and then he like swings, then

It hits his head on a pipe and then he bounces off a dumpster onto the concrete. Bounced off of it, like a ball off a corner. I don't know. We can talk about this moves all the time. We got to move on the next question. Yeah, we'll be here all day, literally. We really could. I love those movies. We're very, very, he's a film nerd, I'm a Spider-Man nerd, and that's

just like that could be forever. I don't know how you do that. It sounds like it hurts. It does. It has to be painful. Well, it doesn't not hurt. Next question. Yeah, please.

I'm still skimming. Nell Mecco asks, the question that was never answered on Sleepy Cabin. Is it actually gay to suck your own dick? Oh, God. This is a paradox. Yeah. I've been at this moment so many times.

I don't know if I have the right to answer. You can answer. Go for it. This is a free country. Let me think about it for like another minute. A bunch of people talk about it. They don't know really. Yeah, Gabi. There are still laws as far as we know.

So there's a free country so far. For the most part. For the most part, as far as, as day and date of when we're recording this, it's a free country. That might change when you hear this, but it might change after we're done recording this. But hey, you never know. Yeah. What is your opinion?

I'm going to declare it not going. gay. Not gay? Yes, not gay. Now look. I guess it isn't. Now look, okay. Let's take some situations, all right?

Take some situations. Take some situations. Okay. Now, if I was to go give another guy a hand job, is that gay? Yes. But if I was to masturbate, would that be gay? No. If I was suck a guy's dick, would that be gay?

Yes. So if the same process of masturbating is not gay and I was to do that to myself with my mouth Yeah, it wouldn't be gay It wouldn't be gay, right? It's the same premise, you know? I guess not.

Yeah, that's how I think about it. Because gay is when you When you're the same sex It's another person. Other person. Right, no, for sure. I would agree. I would say that there's a caveat here also.

It is weird. I agree that it's not gay. But it's a little weird. But I will say that sucking dick. is a little gay though. No, no, I would say what I would say is you can never get excited to do it. Sucking

your own dick is more like sucking a dick than having your dick sucked. Huh. Well. I would say, I would say that that's more similar to that than the other thing. Yeah, because if you're, that's, you see, that's the, that's the, that's the It's still not gay because it's just you.

But that action, That is a gay action, though. You're definitely treading on some water. You know? You're treading some water. Because, like, doing that, like... Not that there's anything wrong. I don't like that I'm involved in this conversation, first and foremost.

Because of my character. My character is just so... Don't worry about it. But, like, I don't know, man. Like, I don't think I would suck my own dick. I definitely wouldn't. I definitely would not. Because, like, I don't want to figure out if I'm good at sucking dick.

Like, I don't ever want to know that. Like, it dawns on you. Like, whoa. That is a... That's a fair point. I really be throwing myself down. You know, like, I really be,

I really be slobbered and knob on myself. Like, that's a weird shit. I would agree. Yeah. So, like, I don't think it's gay. Do your thing.

I'm just never going to suck home and dig. Yeah. There's not, nothing there's anything wrong with that. Nothing is anything wrong with that. I'm just not going to do. You can do whatever the hell you want. That's just not my advice, you know?

Yeah. You know, I'm just not trying to do that. Times is hard right now. For real. Times is hard. Yeah. Do what you have to do. I can't see my girlfriend for a little bit.

So, you know, man. I'm saying this right now, but things are subject to change, you know. That's a lot of people's situations, yeah. I mean. Honey, hey, we're going to have some weird talks afterwards. I might give me some point. Oh, that's kind of cool. Umberman wrote in.

He says, hello, mean, swine machine, count blackula and anemic slug. Unfortunately, uh, count blackula is not here. Unfortunately. So, so what will I be called? Oh, man. Uh, swing machine, anemic slug. You will be Minion lady

Because you're dressed She's dressed actually like a freaking minion Right now Please don't tell people that It was just a mistake It was an unfortunate mistake You did it You wore blue jeans

overalls And a yellow hoodie Like I've never seen before Yellow shirt Gabby I've known you for actually Like five years I've never seen you put together like this

The reason why I'm put together like this is because I was supposed to leave for a shoe today, but it was canceled, so I just didn't change. So you were planning on being photographed in this? You were planning on being around people. I was behind the camera. I was, I'm a wrangler. People were going to tell you you look like a minion.

You know that, right? No, they wouldn't have. They definitely would have. You look like a minion. Yo, dude, you would look. Like bananas or whatever? They like bananas, right? So, well, what was the question again?

Did I even read it? Not. The question was, seeing as the end times are upon us, What will your Raider band's weirdly specific theme be in the post-apocalyptic wasteland? Bikini bottom. I want everybody to dress like fishes. Well, you see, like, I'm not going to go start a whole new raid band, so I'm probably going to have to be with you. Because we're already somewhat of a pack.

So we're going to have to write together. So I guess, unfortunately, mine would be like, mine would be like midget themed. Midget themed. You have to wear, like, clothes that I like to see. So you have to, like, walk around on your knees all the time? You got to wear clothes that are for, like, not for you. Like, you got to wear clothes that are just too short. You got to expose your arms and legs and head tummy.

It's like, it's like crop tops, but like for pants and shit. So, like very short shorts. Like, very. Like encroaching. You just described short shorts as like crop tops, but for pants. Are they not? Why didn't you just say short shorts? But are they not?

You're crazy. So midget themed. I take it you would be minions. themed. No, no. My will be puppet themed. As a puppet wrangler and puppet builder, it is puppet themed. Puppet themed.

Puppet themed. Puppet. Okay. Like Muppets. Sure. Would they be minion-looking puppets? No. You sure?

I'm positive. Gabby, you're more than halfway on that thing. You're really good at it. I wish I could take a picture of this and just make it the image. Literally. Oh, we can't, though. We can't. We can't.

I respect you way too much to do that. But like, this is fucking fantastic. Drew Moran, wrote in. Why did my parents? get divorced. Your last name is Moran. You know, think about yourself, bro.

No, your parents are the most probably because they just weren't in love anymore. But you know what happened? Sometimes people grow apart and that's just how the world works, you know? Like you tried to actually answer him. It just happens. Some people grow apart, you know?

It's not your fault. It might be, but probably not. I mean, it could be. Yeah, it's very possible. We don't really know you so. It could very well be your fault. And if it is your fault, then fuck. It's got to suck.

You ruined love, man. Piece of shit. And love is hard to ruin. It really is. It's really not. It is. You ever think about the fact that people get divorced with kids and then their kid just like... Is it a limbo?

It's just this... No, no. It's a reminder. It's just this thing that looks... Half like the person that you hate now? Yeah, it's crazy. It's got to be really unsettling. Imagine having a kid and it being the worst parts of both you and your person you had a kid with.

Yeah. That shit terrifies me because like the worst parts of me are scary. I would hate to hate my kid, you know Yeah, I like worry about that all the time Like what if my child is like a serial killer Yeah, I think about that a lot too If my child does a killer I would feel really, really bad

But I'd be like this is the child I have I don't like the idea Like this is really bad I don't like the idea of setting loose This artificial intelligence that I created Just to do its own thing It's actually like official I know

It's official intelligence I guess Not It's official intelligence not artificial The premise of just having a kid raising it and then just like sending it out into the world to make its own decisions and then possibly become a Jeffrey Dahmer is like really scary. Like I would hate to have that on my conscience.

So I think what I would do is just get a series of dogs. That's what I'm thinking, just dogs. Just dogs. And then maybe eventually I can, you know, as they slowly pass away, I can sort of perfect them. Perfect them, yes. Merge them into one child. possibly

you're mad you're mad you're mad you're crazy you didn't hear that explain why you're gonna turn a dogs in a kid

people are turning their dead cats into drones what yeah you know you saw that flying dead dead drone cat no I don't know if it was actually a dead cat it was a dead cat

ooh when I died I've researched this to the best of my ability it's a dead cat when I die please turn me into a drone just if you die you want us to turn to you into a drone? Yes. You're probably light enough.

Yeah. That we could make you fly. When I die, I want my, I want my body to be turned into like, I don't know, like something crazy, like pants. Something like, something fucking like, why. Somebody just wears you as pants. It would be big ass pants. Like, bear pants or something like that, like animal clothes.

Would it be your skin? It would be the whole damn thing. No, somebody can't wear your entire being as pants. I want someone to turn my spine into like a chain though. It's like something like that. That's not that kill people with. That's not that interesting. It's, I think. I think you, like the idea of like Tom Sweeney's skin pants.

My skin is really soft, so it would be nice pants. It would be pretty nice pants probably. What about like a nice bed sheet? Would your face be on it? We're like right right at the crotch. Like what it's different is? Yeah. That'd be you wonk.

And then they watch a video, they watch a video that we made and then you make him laugh so hard that he pees on your face. Oh. What is up with you? Like what is up? Like this is a really good follow up to the dick sucking question. Oh, man. Is it gay to?

to be turned into skin pants and then and then someone opens my mouth. And then resting slowly, resting lightly on another man's genitals as they wear your skin pants. I mean, rest of the people's genitals isn't really that gay. It's, it's unorthodox.

It's very unorthodox. It's very strange. It's not gay though. Okay. Connor King wrote it. Because this is getting off the rails real fast. It isn't. Okay. Okay. Chris and Sweene. What's up?

I would ask if you could please address this question but then get cut off on a tangent and never answer it. It's really rude, Connor. We don't appreciate that kind of call-out culture here. Yeah, really unnecessary. Yeah. In fact, can I get a come in the chat? Can I get everybody just right come in the chat?

Come in the chat? Really, I just want to hear my name on the podcast since I am but a poor recent film school graduate who cannot afford $10 a month but wants to support you insane fucks regardless. Well, we appreciate that quite a bit. dude. That is, that sucks. I'm sorry that you had to go to film school.

Yeah. I'm sorry that you go to any school. Yeah, honestly. Especially right now. Yeah. All my classes are online now and that shit's hilarious because I'm just not going to, I'm just not going to be able to do that.

Yeah. I would like to be reimbursed for my college experience as of right now because everything, all of my gigs have been just canceled or postponed. This is, but other than that, was there a question attached to that? I don't want to get onto a whole sad foot because it's really easy.

I'm going to stand back into reality to remember how fucked things are. Yeah, no, let's just get back to being happy. So what's up? No, there wasn't any question. Okay, well, he was just a kind soul. Well, thank you for the dollar. We appreciate it. You guys, uh, well, you guys give means a lot.

Yeah, it really does. Every cent. Uh, Jose Horwich. I forgot how to spell. I forgot how to say his name. That's Horat. He literally told me how to say his name and I don't remember. Jose Harrock.

Sorry, Jose. Fuck me. God damn it. Los Sant-Hose. Oh, God. Since Derek isn't on the show today, you guys should roast him for a few minutes for being soft and not coming over a case of the sniffles. He could be dying. We don't know yet.

Yeah, I don't want to make fun of him. This episode could age very poorly. I don't like that. I don't like that. I'm just saying, man, things are real. So, like, I don't know. So we're not going to roast him in case something terrible happens. We make fun of him and one of us die.

Can you imagine? That'd be fucking wrong. It'll be me. since I'm filling in for him. Yeah. You take his place. It's like final destination. Oh, my God.

My infinite destination. Well, I'll be in finite if you turn me into a drone when I die. You'll just have me like ascended over the people. You'll still be finite. You'll just be dead. Huggard Derek. Hey, this guy's name. He wrote in.

He said, hey there, Daddy Sween and Latin Twink. Okay. That was just mean. That was mean. Whoa. Real sick. What political opinions do you have that you don't? What?

What political opinions do you have that you don't all agree on? I don't know. There's probably a lot. Probably a decent amount of, like, little things. For me, guns. Really? Guns. I don't, you, me, are very suffice of guns, but like.

Really? We're different on guns? Well, you, I don't, I think guns should just not be around. Right. They just breed problems that are just uncontrollable. Yeah. Do you agree with that? I thought you had a different opinion with guns.

I like them. I like them. But, like, but like, they definitely shouldn't exist. Like, I, have shot guns and every time I shot a gun I felt like I was a deity. Yeah, it's a dangerous feeling. I felt unbeatable. You feel really strong. Like even with a prop gun.

Like we have a prop gun in our apartment. We play with it all the time. We play with it constantly because it just makes you feel good. Have you a shot a gun, Gabby? No. I've never felt strong in my life. I've never felt a sense of power or... You would shatter. If you shot a gun, you'd shatter. I'm quite frail. I have no strength in my body.

We've witnessed. that today. When I shot a gun, I shot a gun, I shot a shotgun when I was a kid. I think it was like 12 or something. You were way, you, you at 12 were definitely far too small to be shooting a shotgun. Without a doubt, 100%. Absolutely. I shot a shotgun and I almost fell down.

I had 16 and big. I had a fucking tomato-sized welt on my chest just from the recoil of the gun, just hitting my chest because I wasn't socketing it in right. You're supposed to put it in your socket. You're supposed to put it in your socket. And it just, it can still fucking pinch the shit of your socket when it pulls your shirt back. I mean, I thought I was doing that. But I guess I wasn't because, like, my, I look like fucking, what's that, what's that chick from Willy Wonka?

I look like Varuka Salt. Oh, okay. The fucking, the, the, the blueberry bitch. That's not Viral. That's violet. Oh, violet. Of course. I forgot the name.

She's associated with the color. I had an argument. Remember she turned blue? I had an argument the other day. Somebody was arguing that only Mike TV and Augustus Gloop died. How could you say that Violet didn't die? Exactly, right? The argument was, and I know you're listening to this, I know it,

she said, she was just getting juiced. She was just getting juiced. Why did they believe that? Listen, man, I don't know. I mean, all of her, like, insides and organs had to be, like, juiced as well. You just don't get the blueberry juice out. Everybody in that movie dies. Yeah.

That's what you call it? Except for Charlie. And he almost dies. He almost gets cut up. But he almost gets syndromed. He almost gets completely, like, destroyed by a propeller. And they belch. Yeah, they burp.

They pass gas to save themselves. Stupid movie. But I like that movie a lot, actually. Really scary. The movie's actually way more scary than I thought it was. It's really off-putting. Especially when you consider the fact that he has, like, just like an army of slave midgets. They just work for him.

Little people, little people who are forced to, out of their will. I wouldn't say slave midgets. What does that matter? I think it, like little people. They're little people. They're not midgets. Is that like a not the right word now? It's not PC.

Oh my God, really? They're not. It's not. Shih Tzu posting, wrote in. Nice. Hello, all. Hey. Do you guys like the Twilight Zone?

My favorite episode is the one in which a couple can't escape a small town in Ohio because they become obsessed with asking a coin machine napkin box questions about their future and what they should do next so they just never leave. Do you have a favorite episode old or new? I've honestly never seen the show. Are you serious? I can't believe that. I can't believe you have never seen the Twilight Zone.

I've never seen it. I've never seen it. I'm sorry, guys. That's actually really surprising that you've never seen it. I feel like you would love it. I probably would. I'm really bad at watching things that people tell me to watch. I'm really bad at it.

You just stumble into shows? I mean, aside from like Castlevania, like I, yeah, I just sort of stumble into them. Did you watch Castlevania yet? Yeah, I'm on season two. I mean, I haven't watched a whole lot, but like I've really been enjoying it. Okay, good. But anyway, yeah, I'm not. Like the more you tell me to do something, the more I'm likely to not do it.

Why? Deviant. I just, I don't know. I don't like being told what to do. The Twilight Zone is good, though. Okay. Nobody's telling you to watch the Twilight Zone. It says, it's just that you should if you want to, it's good.

Okay. I'll watch it now that I have a lot of free time. Okay. But I watched, I gave in, I caved, and I watched Devin Universe, and I hate it with all of me. It's a cartoon. It's a kid's cartoon. It tries to have like a little bit of a bigger, over idea, but it's just a kid's cartoon. That's not as good as any of the ones that came out.

I'm just not... Five years prior. I don't get it. I know some people who work on it, so, like, I haven't seen it, so I don't know if it's good or not. Maybe I'm just in, like, in, like, the wrong headspace to watch it. But I will say nothing will... Nothing's going to be as good as Avatar as far as that goes. As far as, like, kids cartoons that have, like, a genuine, like, weight and, like, serious tone,

I feel like Avatar really is the best one. And I feel like it's... I feel like it's going to be very difficult to outperform that show. That show just has so much heart. I really can't think of another one that is better. Actually, like I'm trying. Maybe like X-Men. Maybe Samurai Jack, but even that one was like a little bit more subtle.

That was like more, like, you know. It wasn't as heavy. It wasn't as heavy. It was darker, but not as heavy. But I like the subtleties. Like I appreciate that more than someone like, you know, constantly like just heavy-handedly telling me what I need to take away from it. Also like. Preachiness.

I just don't really like the visual style of Stephen Universe. It's just boring. Too round. It's too round. I just, everything looks like it now. I just, I'm not into it.

The way his hair looks. Sorry. I hate the way his hair looks. Like, why does his hair look like that? Yeah, I'm not a fan of generally, it's weird because I feel like the 90s and like really early 2000s.

We're like a really good time. I don't even think it's nostalgia really. Because I think I've looked at it pretty objectively where it's like that era of cartoons, I think had the most diversity in style. Well, I think the 80s were just all like manly, like he-man fucking, you know,

You know what I mean? Those are still very impressive simple design. They were all manly men, but their characters looked very, it was very detailed. They were good designs, but I feel like a lot of the shows, they looked like you could take a character for one of them and put them in the other one. You probably wouldn't know that they were different. You could make some different. I mean, I like things with more detail, like just in general. I like things that are very, like, colors that are super saturated, even though that wasn't like a major thing in, like, the 80s or 90s, really.

but like I the thing about like contemporary cartoons and things like that it's just too simple for me visually like I just they're very round I think they they make it with the uh I understand the primary motive of it being cheap to anime yeah like just streamline the process make the characters easy to animate and like I totally understand that from a production point of view but like I don't know I miss that like that amount of detail and something and just like visually like being captured by what I'm watching but the animation itself The animation, that's what it was, yeah. It had really good animation. It's not necessarily like, oh, here's like a super in-depth texture. Or like the colors weren't super, like, I mean, depending on what you were seeing in the episode,

but like the colors weren't super, like, crazy or anything like that. They kept it relatively realistic. Yeah. It's the difference between like an over-designed Halo 4 Master Chief and class. You know what I mean? Where it's like, that's too much detail. It's unnecessary detail. But I think, yeah, I don't know.

I feel like if you look back at a lot of the shows, like cow and chicken does not look like Dexter's Lab, does not look like cat dog does not look like. Like they don't look the same. Like if you saw those characters in like... Well, there are certainly like some like instances where they are like very similar because a lot of these people... And Dexter's Lab particularly have moments where I find there's some designs that are not super... Well, all these people came from the same art school.

They all, for the most part, came from Cal Arts, which is something that we're seeing again. Like all of these new cartoon like animators and, like character designers also do come from Cal Arts and they sort of adapt that similar style. That's true. So this does happen. I just happen to like that style from the 90s more. And I think that's what we're sort of saying here.

I think there was genuinely like more variety. Like as far as like character designs go. I feel like now and even some of the shows that I like, you know, like when you look at Rick and Morty, you can definitely see like the DNA of Adventure Time. You can see the DNA of regular show. It's not the same exactly, but you can definitely see that There's traces. Kind of DNA. And like, Stephen Universe, you see that DNA all over the place, like everywhere.

Yeah, I just wish that there was, we were like, you know, we have so much, like, in terms of technology and what we can do and like the things that we're learning creatively. Like, I wish that we would, the industry would just push itself a little more to create new things and to just really be like, just do something crazy and different. Gumball is pretty fucking cool. Like, as far as like an animation standpoint. That show is weird as hell because it mixes mediums constantly. That's what I loved about courage. Yeah, courage was really cool. A lot of shows like when they did that.

Genuinely. Gumbull is a great show. I actually love that show. It's a good show. Because of how bananas it is. That show is just ridiculous. Spongebob did the same thing a lot. They would have like those.

And early Adventure Time, like maybe not so much like mixed media, but like just the storyline and of itself and just like character interactions were pretty different. Yeah. I mean, now we sort of see that pretty often. But like, for the time, it was really different. It wasn't a thing at first. Like Adventure Time was like that first. show like where you didn't really get lessons out of it like there was an episode i remember that

was like i didn't get a lesson at all was like what the fuck was i mean there were lessons it was just very subtle about it i think no but there was like there was episode i watched when like the rock was crying about the guys fighting and then the witches kept beating up fin and fin was like i don't want to fight you guys like i don't like i don't want to fight you and it was like oh he's just not going to fight him and he ended up beating up these witches and i was like i guess he had to but like was that was supposed to learn from that yeah yeah and i was just like why is this mountain crying boulder and why are these strong men wrestling And it was such a weird episode

And I was like, wow, this is a lot of weird. This is a lot of weird shit. But like, I feel very, I think of the beginning of it though. We sort of went off in a tangent and did not answer this person's question. Oh, yeah. Sorry. What was that? What do you mean?

He asked about your favorite episodes of Twilight Zone. And I kind of. Oh, my God. That was the beginning question. I totally forgot that that was the question. Well, I know what my favorite is easily. I might have to think a little bit. What's yours?

Okay. So this is actually, unfortunately, links back to the terrible times we live in. But there was an episode of Twilight Zone where, like, there was this random infectious disease going around. Right. And everybody was freaking out about it. And then one girl came in, she was like, this disease is from a book. And the cure is on Mars. And it's extremely contagious and fatal.

And everybody was like, what? It was a fake disease that they got in a real world. And the cure didn't exist in this reality. Interesting. And I was like, oh, all the people went on that episode, everybody had like pig faces. Oh, yeah, that's the one that I remember too. Yeah, everybody had the pig faces. The beauty one.

Yeah. Yeah. And it was this regular pretty girl, but she was ugly. compared because she didn't have a pig face and that was a norm. It's weird. It's a weird show. It is not a natural. That's the one that I remembered but I was trying to pick a different one because that's probably the one that a lot of people remember because it was such a weird episode. I remember one that was like a, there was this lady in like a hut, some lady in

like a house and like aliens were coming into her house but they were like tiny or something. I like that one a lot but I can't remember it specifically. It's been a minute since I've seen the Twilight Zone. It's not really easily watchable. Is it on Hulu or something? It was on Netflix. a while ago though like yeah four years ago I haven't gotten around to seeing the new Jordan Peel one Jordan Peel one

I heard good things but I've been in a lot of something I feel like it's probably not all that I don't know when you when you no revival of a television show is ever really I struggle to think of a good one you know yeah I'm sure the Jordan Peel one is fine but like I don't know if it'll give me the Twilight Zone

feel that I want out of a Twilight Zone like the whole allure of Twilight Zone to me is that it's so it feels like the show itself is so old that it itself feels alien and strange. So to make a modern version of it kind of like, I don't think anybody can do that. I think that's why Black Mirror is its own thing. Because I think Black Mirror was very obviously,

hey, let's do the Twilight Zone, but not the Twilight Zone. Exactly. Like, it's very clear, like, it's very clear that that's the Twilight Zone. Like, every episode has this weird twist and it's like... It's a modernization of it. Yeah, it's like eerie and, like, surreal. And, like, it's very clearly meant to be this generation. Twilight Zone.

But I just love the guy. The guy who, uh, Rod Sterling. He's creepy. The guy who does the, the interest, it's like, in a world, in a world where stupid people die fast. Die fast. What will you do when you realize you're stupid? That's a Twilight Zone episode.

It is. Some dude slowly realizes he's the stupidest person on the planet. He dies. He fucking perishes because he forgets how to breathe. He starts forgetting things. That intro sequence is so cool, too. It is good. It's creepy.

It's really, the aura is wrong. I know that. I watch it, but the aura is all messed up. I will say, though, continuing on with the tangent. Because I thought the tangent was kind of fun. Okay.

Courage of Cowherly Dog's mixed medias was like one of the first examples of that shit that I remember. I didn't like that. You didn't like it? That was the first time. It scared me. I didn't like how.

Well, you didn't like it scared you, but you didn't like it because of, It was like... I liked what it did. Like, it did... It made its point across, but it scared the shot of me. I loved that.

Like, I like... I don't do well with, like, scary video games, but I love scary movies and, like, scary TV shows. Yeah, because they're not scary. Yeah. Well, yeah, they're less immersive. They're not scary. They're not...

Like, it's not... It's not... It's not... A scary video game will fuck me up, because I can't. Like, it's too... It's too... I feel too connected to it.

If I make a mistake and get got... You know, it's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. I'm the idiot. Whenever I watch a horror movie and some dude gets got, that ain't me getting God, it's him getting got. I didn't get got. I didn't get got. I got. I get it. For me, I don't, I'm not really afraid of anything that's not like real.

So like my fears are very real things. What does that mean? Come on. Video games don't scare me anymore. Horror movies, I laugh my ass off because everyone in horror movies are idiots. I bet PT would have you fucking screaming. PT, that did something. That was definitely, PTs didn't scare me because there's a bunch of weird shit. And I was like paying attention.

I was like, I just kind of strange. But then I turned around in PT one time. I was like, can I turn around? And I saw that thing. And it was just dread. I just felt like infinite dread. Like someone poured a can of dread on my head. I haven't been, I haven't been truly scared.

That shit fucked me, bro. I haven't been truly scared. And I've been startled and like unsettled. Who's been? Everybody's been started. By like video games. Like, I was playing Resident Evil 2 and I had like a whole like a little gameplay series. And I was going to continue that before the fucking save got destroyed.

But we're like some of the fights in that game and some of the sequences that game are scary. But like I was never scared to my core when I was playing that game. I love that game a lot. Resident Evil 2 remake is so good. Great. But I think the last time I was truly scared to my core was when I first read the scary stories to tell in the dark books. Yeah. Because the drawings in that fucking book were so uniquely fucked up.

There was alien. There were the problem with those I'm sure everybody here knows what we're talking about But on the chance that you don't Look up scary stories to tell in the dark And look up the images All of it is nightmare fuel It's definitely far worse when you're a kid

And you're like I found that book in Catholic school Yeah same Yeah it was in the library and I took it home And I was so scared of it That I didn't want it in my room I kept it in my book bag in the living room Far away from me because I was scared of the book actually It is some of the most unsettling illustration

I have ever seen And a lot of it is because so much of the details So much of the details in those drawings Are implied They're vague, yeah They're vague So like there's like That could be a nose

Maybe So it leaves like it feels It feels so much That like the designs are really specific And they stick out to you But also it lets your brain sort of fill in the rest It does the love crafting Where it gives you enough information

to be able to form the base idea of it, but then you start filling in the blanks and that's what scares you the most. For sure. I hated it. I remember there was one little thing that was one little thing that the story was about like it would appear on your desk.

Yeah. I think it's like thippa-p-p-p-pup or something. Yeah. Literally it's like thup-up-pup. And it's like this fucking disgusting. And I was like, I don't like because I don't know what exactly. Like I saw the picture of it. I was like I don't know exactly what this is and it's bothering me.

Isn't that amazing? I hate it. I hate that. It was done so well, man. I know that guy's name, Like the illustrator's name by heart just because I looked at that book so often. I think it's Stephen Gamble. He did like a bunch of, he did some of the, he did some children's books, which is like,

I love that. I don't know what the hell you're doing. But, you know, man, you can turn it on, you turn it off. Yeah, you can turn it on, turn it off. It really is, I think it does still hold up. I think like if you gave that to a kid now, it would still freak him the fuck out. It wouldn't. It would be, it would be gross.

They did really good job with that, the designs in that movie, too. I haven't seen the movie. Yeah. Was it actually creepy? The movie's not. great. It's fun. It's cool because all of those things are practical effects. Yeah. Like, those costumes are incredible that they, that they made for, to create those creatures. We should watch that. We should definitely give that a watch. It's a fun movie. I need to

definitely rewatch it. It's a PG-13 kind of horror movie, so it's not like, and you don't really go into it like for the plot of the movie. You want to see those characters, like those creatures come to life. Yeah. Like Harold and the fucking, the lady with the, with the scraggly hair. Yeah. The fat lady with the straggly hair fucks me up every time I see it. That design scares me. You said that and that scared, like I felt something in my back. Yeah, because you know what I'm talking about. That shit fucking scared me. I was, you know what scared me as a kid?

I don't know if you remember, but the aliens on Sesame Street. I don't remember them. The yippy yippies. The alien scared you? Oh, I was terrified. They were so nice. My dad would chase me around our, like, small house and yonkers in New York and just go yip, yip, yep, yep. And I would cry.

I would be in tears and he would just be laughing at me. That's not cool. I mean, no, but. That's not cool at all. For me, the only thing, the only thing that really scares me is the ocean and space. I'm afraid of the ocean, too. Ocean and space. The two things that, like, but they scare me for the same reasons.

I much rather be trapped in space than the ocean. I agree. I think I would, but, like, I just, I just. I would rather be trapped in space than the ocean. I would rather be trapped in space because of the, the, the, they're being able to go and explore, like, to see more of the verse would probably be kind of impressive. But like the empty void, the absolute vacuum and the vacancy of knowledge about space. That's what's like sort of like calming to me.

Like that space is sort of like a void like there's sort of nothingness. Like in the ocean, I am terrified of sharks. Ooh, no. Don't, mm-mm. Don't put me near a body of water. I'm afraid. I'm so afraid of the ocean that like if, if I would, I woke up on a boat, I would just die.

What do you mean? I would die. Like, I'd wake up and I would see it, and then I would just stop all my functions. I hate it. Yeah. I was on a cruise once and I looked over on the side, and I literally started crying.

I went on a boat. I had to be taken inside because I was going to die. I went on, like, a weird boat ride in Niagara Falls, where we went under the falls or something. It was called the mini-haha. I remember because it was such a stupid name. So stupid. It was the dumbest name ever.

But, like, we went there in, like, 2001 or 2002. I remember I was so mad because that was when I got my Xbox, my original Xbox. You just didn't want to have anything to do with them anyhow. I just got it. I just got it. And I played the first level of Spider-Man,

the Toby McGuire, like, first Spider- of it when we were swinging around on the fucking sky. And then they pulled me, they pulled me to Canada. Imagine. To take you on some boat ride. I was so excited. I was glowing.

Glowing. And they ripped me apart. I don't think I've ever seen you glow. Ever. That was the last time. The first end of it. last. Actually, the second time was when I saw Spider-Man two seven times in theaters.

Nice. You're poor parents. Well, no, we have a big family. They definitely had... They definitely switched out. They definitely switched out people who hadn't seen it to avoid redundancy. Okay. I don't know, man. The ocean's so big and like the shit that's down there. Yeah, it's all scary. It's all scary. The problem is... They got things on it with sea through foreheads. What the

fuck is that? They do, yeah. What the fuck is that? The problem with the ocean is that, like, I just prefer space way more than the ocean. Like space is just cool. Like the premise of, like when you're in space, that alone is impressive. Yeah. Because it's like, oh shit, people don't do this. People like fall in the ocean all the time.

People go in the ocean all the time. We know kind of a lot about the ocean, even though we don't know like a lot about what's in it. And that's what's scary is that you don't know what the fuck's in there, but you know shit's in there. With space, it's like, eh, there's stuff out there, but it's never, you're never going to graze it. It's never going to graze past your leg.

Well, I mean, an asteroid can come and just destroy you. Yeah, but then you're just dead. That's true. It's just instant. If you're in space. You also got like, you're definitely in like a little capsule of some kind. And you're like, you got like zero gravity. You get to feel what that's like.

That's kind of cool. It's kind of, it's just neat. Yeah, I guess. Because like I started thinking about. I had a dream though where I was in space and I heard a knock at the door. And I could not. I don't, I don't, I woke up. I woke up with like my heart was exploding.

I don't know, man. I'd rather do with space because like octopuses are an ocean and like, every time I see arqueuses, I roar at them. You roar? I roar at them because I don't, because that's how. That's how alien they are to me, that my body's like, scare it. Scare it away, quick. Roar.

They're so fucking octopus. They're so scary. They scare the shit out of me, dude. Octopi are generally kind of freaky animals. I don't appreciate the fact that they can fit through the, what is it, a hole, the size of a quarter or something. Or a silver dollar? They fell from the sky, I'm sure. They're definitely not of this earth.

They became of this earth over time. They definitely, definitely, like, mind flares fell out of the sky from D&D. And then like the impact was so bad They had to degrade and become octopus And stay like that now Because they can't turn back They definitely devolved And then they don't know how to evolve back

I would be more scared of octopi If Um If they just didn't have that stupid Breeding breeding problem What? Oh do you not know? No

So Octopi basically When an octopus gets pregnant It basically just sits there and starves to death Oh And the little babies can just eat the mother and a male octopus once it impregnates just literally kills itself

it literally like bashes its brains into it rocks until it dies wow I feel like if an octopus picked up a gun it wouldn't understand what it was no no no no it would understand everyone's reaction to it they would know

and they'd be like people are scared of this for a reason I don't know yet I will figure it out they don't Definitely do. They'll be like, I, I get it. They're definitely,

I get it. They're too intelligent. They don't understand everything, but they like, they can definitely in time put together a picture. It's just, it's ridiculous. Like,

everything in the ocean is too much for me. I would kill them all if I could, actually. So would you, would you rather be in space? I guess. Yes. I guess. But like,

it's not a, it's not a, it's not a, it's not a hard. It's not a hard to pick where we died. I'd rather just be in my bed. I think that's across the best. I want to get the atomized, but like that's just me.

Michael T. Belling, Rodin, or bailing, I think. Bayley. Rodin. He said, hey, all. Hey. If you could mix two games together to make a perfect game,

which two would it be? Red Day Red Day Red Day Redemption and Breath of the Wild. Ooh. That'd be the best video game ever. That'd be the best single parade experience ever. So, like, just like a super fleshed out narrative with crazy physics. Yeah, and some Skyrim. And some, so some, so some, so some, like, wild shit happening.

Only two. Only two. You get two. You can't throw in Skyrim, though. Okay. So it'll be Breath of Breath of. of a wild and red dead that could be fun it'd be like a Zelda game like an unbelievable narrative yeah i still need a minute to think about mine okay i would i would i would i would maybe say

no i would maybe say oh oh oh i don't know i have another one but like you have another one yeah it'd be like a combination of d and d and destiny like a more like a more like a more done is and Dragon-based Destiny where like it'd be sort of like you take you would take the um the class premise of Dungeons and Dragons but you would turn it into an FPS somehow I wonder if you could just I wonder if there's like a D&D set for like destiny that could be cool someone's probably already done it I'm definitely going to look it up if anyone knows anything about that DM me it and I I'll retweet it and follow you yeah that could be fun I'm gonna say I'm gonna say Animal Crossing and like imagine like Final Fantasy 7 with that

Final Fantasy 7 and Animal Crossing. What would that be? Where would the convergence be, though? Like, at what point would you add one and the other? I'm thinking about it more like a survival strategy game. Right. But you're like, like, imagine the style of Animal Crossing, but with like the combat of Final Fantasy 7 and like the world.

I'm thinking of Harvest Moon a lot. I'm thinking about Harvest Moon. That's just giving me the Harvest Moon. See, after I said that I was like, there is a Harvest Moon game where you're like. You're fighting people. Yeah, yeah. It was for Game Boy, right? I remember playing it. It's, yeah, for the DS.

Yeah. What about you, Chris? What would you combine? Halo and Doom Eternal. Probably. Exactly that. Probably. If you could put me, if you give me a grappling hook in Halo, I'm happy.

I'm a happy boy. But maybe. Haylor doesn't need a grappling hook though. Maybe if I could have, if I could have somehow Grand Theft Auto Online and Crash Team Raising. What is wrong with you? What is, you know how much dickery that would. That game would just be being an asshole on a cartridge game. It would be just drifting at insane speeds into people on the sidewalk.

And I'm all about it. Honestly, I'm all about it. We need to work on this, Chris. Imagine like Animal Crossing and like Tetris together. How would that work? Something with like zero strategy and like all the strategy. Tetris is so good. Those are too polarized.

I love Tetris so much. Tetris is probably one of the best video games ever created. I hate. So you say that years ago. I would always think you're so stupid. Or you're dumb. Titcher's not like a thing. And then I realized what you meant by how it's accessibility.

It's understandable. It's a higher level of gameplay if you actually think about. Like, it is actually a fantastic creation. Yeah. It's one of the most impeccably well-designed games ever by sheer accident. Some fucking communist just invented it in Russia. I think. Insane.

Yeah. Just loony tunes. I think that... You know, that guy didn't make money off that for the longest fucking time? That's insane. You know how many Texas? Ripoff, Texas, Tetris ripoffs there has been. Oh, plenty.

Like a million. Like most of video games. Yeah. Definitely in the 80s. Do you remember Tetris battle on Facebook back in, back when we were on? No. I don't remember that. I remember Farmville.

Right. Farmville. Oh my God. And what was the other one? Butjewled. Yeah. Peggle. I hated Farmville.

Hexick HD. That was when you could poke people on Facebook. Remember that? Can you still do that? No. I don't think anybody gives a shit because nobody uses Facebook. I used Facebook, honestly. I used Facebook to check out all the stupid things I said 10 years ago.

It's pretty much the only thing. And sometimes I'm eerily correct with some of the predictions that I made. Except one time where I said during E3, they were like, Epic Games just showed off this Fortnite thing. No one's going to play this. Shit, you were wrong. I was right. I was right because what they showed was the PDE. So I was technically correct.

Nobody did play it. They only played it after the Battle Royale. was added. But I didn't think it was funny just to say, see, Fortnite, no one's gonna play this.

Is that for the round? Huh? Fortnite? Is that games to the room? Fortnite? Yeah. I'm sure it is. It's making a ton of money.

Still? Still? Damn. Apex Legends and like now modern warfare has got their own like war zone thing going on. It's like 15 million people

played it apparently. Which doesn't surprise me. It's a free game. It's no barrier to entry and it's probably being advertised on every single Call of Duty game that's ever existed since like the dawning of,

you know, the ability to pass updates into games. Yeah. So, like, I would imagine, and it's available on everything, I'm pretty sure. I think it's on PC, I think it's on PC and Xbox 1 and PS4, so. Hey, man, if it works, it works, you know, do you think.

Yeah, and there's also the fact that, there's also just the sheer fact that, like, crossplay exists. Yeah, that's a huge. And crossplay is, like, props to them, props to Call Duty, honestly, for, like, kind of pushing this, because I hope to God that everybody else sees this and understands that it's a good idea. Yeah.

What are you doing? Just wait on my mouth. You fumbling with your mouth? A little bit. Stumbling inside my mouth. Why? Why do you do these things? I want my mouth to be limber. You should start your own ASMR channel.

I would never do that. You wouldn't? You wouldn't? No, I wouldn't do that. Dude, I totally would. Go for it. I am. In these trying times?

I will try anything. Give us a sample, Gabby. I'm going to start doing impressions. This is my Arbiter impression. Hey, guys. I'm on my... That's just Jalen's Arnold impression. You sound like the kid from Polar Express

Oh my god Oh my god Yeah The blonde kid Mandark He turns over And he looks at you I know you're talking about

The kid that hops over his desk He's like Hey What are you doing on his train He's like He's the one that's like Hey look at that poor kid That snuck on the train

Hey look that poor kid What a stupid little boy he is Wait I'll try I actually try my urban impression I've been practicing the last day Really? Why? Because Chris

I'm trying to trying to mimic his voice as best as possible. This is just you. It's not exactly my voice. It's basically your voice. I'm trying hard on this. You're not trying hard enough. Chief, I can't do it.

I wish. My voice is not deep enough yet. Yeah. Yet? Yeah. You're done, dude. No, I think I'll get a little deeper. You're not, it's going to get lighter, if anything.

No, my voice will deepen. You know old people how they go like, I've never heard an old person. That sounds like, that sounds like a human in mid-transition to be coming an animal. They're like on their way. That's what an old person is That sounded like a transition That sounded like a whole like transformation there

That sounds like shit that you would hear in the jungle at night And you would probably change your pants Sailor Moon made that sound as she was transforming That would have definitely changed me as a little kid Because I watched that show a lot She just performed these guttural throdle clicks Imagine that I would have been a different kid

Same Josh Paddock wrote in. He said, hey, boyos. Oh. What's one unpopular opinion you hold that you will defend until the day you die? Here's to living in this apocalyptic hellscape. Thank you, Josh. Thanks.

We appreciate it. Let's hear it. What's yours? I'm going to need a minute to think about it. I already spoke about Stephen Universe. I don't know. I don't know. I want a popular opinion.

It's not really unpopular, but I think anime as a whole is really, I think anime is really, I think animates are really right, bad character interactions. I think character interactions from anime don't translate very well to American audiences, particularly me. Particularly me, but like I just don't like the way that people gasp and like kind of gesture so much.

Yeah. And it's so much emoting. Like, I just like, that's like, I've never done that. I've done that when I was younger mimicking anime. I've never done that in real life. You know, that's just my opinion. I don't think they're... You've never been hitting the stomach?

You never been hitting the stomach? You never been hitting the stomach and you go, I've done it mimicking that. Exactly. I've done it mimicking that. It is very, a lot of it is. It's very jarring to me, but it's also, but it's a cultural difference.

The kids ruined it, I think. Yes. The kids ruined it. The kids who would mimic it. Because every time I would see a really cool character in anime act like that, I would just think of the stupid kid who mimics him. It was just all cringe, always.

And it ruined an entire medium for me. It was like, I just don't like this. I don't know. I checked out of anime after I watched Clonad. The second somebody, the second somebody does this and they like, they put their, they put their, Rar! I just want to head butt a fucking table until I can't walk anymore. The second I walk in with someone have an inner monologue out loud, I'm like, ah, fuck you, man.

No one does that. No one fucking does that. No one says, oh my goodness, I can't do this. You're like, fuck. I scream fuck. No. You have to do this. Think of what your parents would do.

I'm your friend. Aren't I your friend? This is what friends do. He's like, I got you, man. Don't worry about it. That's what friends do. I got you, bro. Don't trip.

I definitely had inner monologues out loud when I'm hysterical. Yeah. And my fucking life is crumbling around me. But like never. I don't have an inner monologs out loud. I just yell. I don't have an inner monologue. Do you remember that conversation that was happening on the intermonelonel?

internet in general, like a couple, like, weeks ago that was like, do you have an inner monologue or do you not have an inner monologue? I have an inner one. I don't have an inner monologue. I don't have one that leaves my body. I don't have an inner monologue. I do all the time. I don't have. I think that's like years of smoking weed. What? I smoke. When I used to smoke before, I would have like really serious ones. Like I'd have having, I have a voice talking in your head. Sometimes, yeah. I don't hear, I just have abstract thoughts. It's just like abstract. Like, there's no voice at all. I have one definitely. That's crazy. Probably. I was always confused when I would, like, watch cartoons and they, like, characters would be thinking.

Do you have one, Gabby? And it would be voices. I mean, I hear my own voice in my head, but I think that's just thoughts. Yeah, that's what thoughts are. Yeah. That's the thing. It's like, I don't think in my own voice. Who's, do you think in my voice?

I don't think in voice. I think in thoughts. I think in voice. Because whenever I, whenever, like, you have to hear something. No, you don't have to hear something. That's all hallucination, Gabby. No, like, that's just a thought, dude. Look, look, look.

You don't hear your thoughts. I hear about thoughts sometimes. But I hear all people's thoughts, too. But I asked my grandma this and ask what to my friends to be different languages. It's like, what language are you thinking? And my grandma says she thinks in English sometimes, but that's how she thinks in Spanish. I don't think in language. But then like goes back to everyone thinks in language.

When I want just a deaf person think, like a blind person thinking, you know, or like a deaf person. If I'm thinking I need to go to the store, right? I'm not thinking that sentence. I'm thinking the things in, like the synaps is firing in my brain to make that sentence happen. But you know what I mean? It's the root of the sentence before it even becomes like something that's said out loud in my head. But I think I got that. I think I started doing that based on watching television shows of people doing stuff like that.

I think I saw that before I could really justify how I thought in my own head. Right. So it was made that way because of things I saw, which is very possible for me. Yeah, so it's like media just sort of influencing how you. How behave? Yeah, well, absolutely. It's funny because I feel like for the most part, kids just act like cartoon characters. Yeah, because that's what they think.

And it's really infuriating. Absolutely. One time I pushed my nephew down and then my niece, I was like, don't do that to him. He's my brother, and I love him. She ran at me and I shoved her down to. And I was like, people don't do that. Somebody would just attack me. You let me know you were coming.

Yeah, yeah, exactly, like a cartoon. You just let me know you were coming. Like, you can't do that. Stop that. I don't want you hurt him anymore. I did that shit, too, because I knock a shot of me. You don't let people know that a sneak attack is coming. Exactly, you just do.

You don't yell. Yeah! Like, are you slow? I have a gun. I'm going to shoot you. You're not going to get to me in time. Come on. It's funny, though.

Like, I remember my nephews would be like, whenever they would, like, throw a punch at me and I would, like, block it. They would always do, like, these anime faces. And I would always, like, just cringe at them. I'd be like, ew. Ewe, cringe, gross. You cringe, gross. Dislike, dab.

Okay, boomer. Okay, okay, boomer, okay. Whatever you say, boomer. Whatever you say, boomer. Okay, boomer. Okay, boomer, whatever you say. What, whatever you say, boomer. God, boomer.

Luigi's pasta linguini. I like that. He says, he ho, Pene boys. Ola. Have any of you watched slash red berserk? If so, what are your thoughts on the series so far? I can't. It's too cringe.

Nice. Sick. End of Convo. Get at me. I'm going to waste with some pussy in a few seconds. Get out of here. Have you seen it? I watched the original berserk and read it when I was younger, like years ago, but that's when I was still a weeb.

Berserk is insane. Guts is. Very very very motivated He's a very motivated character Yeah, and he is really good at killing people would you consider yourself motivated? Oh, no, not really worried I kind of want to die a lot But I also done at the same time That's the human conundrum, you know like most people think like I want to die when this time like I'm like oh you can die is like shit I want to live there's so much on where I want to do you know yeah it's like the people who like jump off bridges and like survive

Their mind They're like there's so many stories of people who like jump off bridges and then they like survive. They like land in the water in like a weird way and they're fine. And they were like halfway down, I changed my mind. Like the second I fell off, I changed my mind like real like real fast. I mean like the thing about that is that like, you know,

because you can't just, because it's not a fucking DVD. It's not a VHS tape. You can't rewind when you fall off a bridge. Exactly. Oh, you can't rewind decisions, you know, or actions. This isn't, this isn't theater mode. This is in theater mode in Halo 3, Circular 2007. You can't just like back up.

Circa. Circa. Not via. Not in. Not in 2007. Halo 2. Hilo2. Via.

Via isn't. Yeah, via is through. No. Yeah, via is through. No, via is with, isn't it? No, via through. Are you sure? I'm going to send this via email.

Through email. Yeah, but you want to say through 2007. Yeah. Oh. The asshole? No, you can say like buy. It's kind of like buy. I thought Circa meant like,

I think circum means the same thing. Oh, yeah. So, Circa just means approximately. Oh, so yeah. Ah, why did you say that? I don't know. I just like Circa. Hope you get circumcised in your neck.

What does that mean? My neck? You want my neck circumcised? So the front of my neck? I don't know. My Adams apple? We'll just make your neck shorter. It's a thin of your neck you got.

No, because circumcising is not making the peepee shorter. It's chopping off some of the pee. Yeah, taking off the skin. Okay. Yeah. So this part of your neck would be gone, I guess, and you'll die. Can you make it shorter? Is that a thing, like a medical practice?

To make a penis reduction? The shortening? The shortening? Shortening, brain? I don't think anybody's, I don't think anybody's looking for a penis reduction. I mean, you never know. You do, though. You do.

You'd assume. You don't know, but you would be safe. You do. You do. You know what someone brought up to me the other day? I hadn't thought about. A boob job is a pretty common thing. Right.

A penis job? There's no, what I'm saying is like there's no, there's no common male plastic surgery. Like, I genuinely can't think of any. Well, it's the common one. It's just sort of like tightening up your face. I guess a common one would be like Botox and like nose jobs and stuff. I feel like men definitely get that shit to.

That's definitely not an only woman thing. No, for sure. It's probably a more woman thing, I guess. But like it's not an only woman thing. Yeah. If you could like get plastic surgery to look like anybody, who would you pick? Oh my God. If I could look like anyone?

Yeah. Stanley as of today. Like dead? Yeah What is your fucking... I'd look like Michael Jackson when he was the zombie What? In thriller?

Because that face, how fucking... My eyes already sunk in, you know, because I'm a Puerto Rican. So, you know, her eyes are just a little further and eyes and they should be. That's true. But, like... I would want to look like a wharf. I'd look like Arbiter, actually. You would want a fucking four-lipped mandible?

Hell yeah. And no bottom lip, so you're... You're just like a fucking monster. Yes. For sure. That would scare the shit of me. I've seen Bruce about every human that looks every sort of way. I want to be unique.

If someone were to go through with that surgery and make themselves look like an elite, I would have to pay respect to them. Because that is such an insanely stupid, painful thing to do. You know every night he's in pain because his face doesn't work the right way. His face is constantly open. His face doesn't stretch. He's getting infections and shit. Oh, boy.

Oh, God. I would love it. I'd love it. I just love knowing one day that I might feel ultimate pain. I don't know if I would want to look like anybody else. I'm fine looking like me. I'm not the best looking. I'm not,

I'm not hideous. I'm not really great looking. Is there anything you would change about you? I already. I told you that. Nothing? My nose. Oh, your nose?

Yeah. Hmm. I have a hybrid nose and I hate it. That's everybody's answer, I feel like. Yeah. Nobody likes their nose because they're staring at it all the time. Yeah, you see it so much Yeah

You just have to pretend it's not there But you know it's there You always see it Stop bringing them up Isn't that annoying That you always see it But you never pay attention to Until somebody brings it up

It's like the fact that Your tongue doesn't have a rest A natural resting place in your mouth Don't say this God damn it Not my tongue's jumping around my mouth Yeah It gets uncomfortable

Yeah I would like to like I like to have my eyes Look less tired But it's the Puerto Rican thing again Like it's just the something Yeah we're just always gonna look tired

You just look sleepy We've just been through so much. We've just been worked so much by the land and the water. My God, man. The fucking Spaniards. Don't talk about the Spaniards. Yeah, the Spaniards. The Spaniards land and sea.

All three elements. I was hoping that maybe like the Italian and me would like push them out a little bit. But I, it's just not. No. You still got hurricane trauma, honestly. Dude, honestly, man. I'm a black person, mostly. But I'm Hispanic enough to have the sleepy eyes.

I always, man. If I had a snap hole right now, I'd be. I'd be off the walls. I would be off the walls. I would say, Chris, you would say, Chris, you look mighty awake right now, is what you would say. I mean, you've woken up a little bit like. Chris, you don't even look like you. That's the funniest thing ever.

What does that mean, you asshole? You know the picture of me on the beach where I don't even really look like me? Oh, yeah, yeah. I've never seen this picture. That picture is fucking haunting. I feel like when we first started this podcast episode, you looked like you, circa 2010. when I first met you. Really?

Just tired and sad? Yeah. Now you're looking a little less that. You're going into... You're more Chris surgery 2014. I just jumped... Just before we started recording, I was dead. Yeah.

You were really not okay. I was not all right. I was moving real slow. I was talking real slow. You're getting angry, too. I could feel your frustration as we were trying to set this stuff up. Yeah. I tried to stay away from you as much as possible because I didn't want you to hit me.

That's the best. I do have a tendency to hit people. You just start, like, swinging your arms. Sometimes I hit women a lot. I love when Chris is upset because that's when I bother him the most. Yeah. I noticed you were testing the waters a little bit and I felt. Oh, that's all I do.

That's all I do. He's going to snap when he and kill me and it's going to be his fault because he was weak enough to fall for it. I just don't want to be in the way. It's a bait. I just have no ability to defend myself. And I just don't want to have, just don't want to experience this while I'm here. I'm already down and out.

It was definitely wise of you to avoid me. I definitely would have swung real hard. Yeah. on you. Yeah. And I would have joined in, honestly, because if we're hitting people, I mean,

who might have say no? Yeah. I mean, I'm also the weakest person here. I can totally tell you that for sure. Absolutely 100%. I'm 100% the weakest person in this room. I am the most vulnerable.

I have no upper body strength. I am so fragile. I bruise so easily. You fainted. I fainted. You fainted recently. Yeah. I don't think you bruised faster than my girlfriend.

You fainted in a target. Yeah. I, okay. To just preface. this, it's not because I'm, I was sick or anything. I've been under a lot of stress and a lot of anxiety and I'm sure a lot of us are too. And I went to Target to just get some, to get a few groceries. I was also anticipating hearing back from, from like a job. Yeah. So that was also stressing me out.

So I was getting my, I was in line and this was after seeing all the shelves empty, like I could barely buy any, like the only source of protein that I could find was shrimp, like a bag of shrimp and like some mac and cheese. So I'm, I'm at the counter and suddenly like, I don't hear so well. Like I can just like hear my, I can just like be aware enough to be like, man, I can't hear the like, the cashier person talking to me. And like I feel like I can't stand. So I like brace myself. And I'm suddenly sweating. And be aware. There are a lot of people around me. Like just a lot. And I can promise you that I went totally pale. And suddenly, I'm on the ground.

And I hear someone say, she's not breathing. Call 911. And that's when I got up. And I was like, I'm fine. It was like that scene in like Pulp Fiction where they stab her after she like, OD'd. That's how I got up. Because I was just like, what's going on?

And I scared all of the people around me. Like I had a woman looking at me the whole time. And they got me water. And like, I felt fine. I mean, I was extremely. embarrassed. I was crying because I was just like, don't look at me. It's embarrassing to faint. Yeah. It's embarrassing to faint. And then also, like, I hit my mouth on like the card reader. So there's like a bruise inside. Like you can't see it. Yeah. But inside my mouth, there's pain.

That's the worst. So I'm, I promise you I'm fine though. Like it was just a very high. I know you're fine. Yeah. The that sucks. I'm also susceptible. Like I have fainted before because of stressful situations and also just low blood sugar. I've never fainted in my life. I don't know what that's like. I've been knocked unconscious, but I've never fainted. I've never been knocked unconscious either. That shit is zany. I skid it across a concrete baseball field on the top of my head.

Why were you on a concrete baseball? What the fuck is that? You know what that is? That's a parking lot in a Catholic school that had no funding is what it is. Yeah, they're all like that. We had a concrete, we just had a parking lot that we put all the cars in the front of the school. It was like that in my Catholic school too. And I remember I was running from first base to second base.

and I tripped over my right leg, hit my left leg, and I flipped completely vertically. It was like somebody mirror flipped me vertically. And I was skidding across the ground on my head for a good three yards, I think. And then I fell over, and everybody was like, are you okay?

And I said, absolutely not. I remember this like the, like it was fucking yesterday. I've definitely fell off things hit my head and it was like, They're like are you fine? I'm like, I can't see where you are. I'm not fine.

I'm not fine. I literally have a ball spot on my head because I fucking, like it just doesn't, it doesn't grow hair because I fucking, I destroyed every cell on my four, on the top of my head. Definitely have a ball. Playing baseball of all fucking things.

I had a huge knot. It looked like I'm fucking, like, I'm not like coming out of my head. Really bad. That's disgusting. I'm fine now. I mean,

you say that, but that's, I definitely lost a lot of my intelligence. I could have been above intelligence. Above intelligence. I'm above intelligent. I could have been something truly impressive, but, you know, I hurt myself at a young age because I was stupid. Yeah.

Yeah. I apologize to the people of Target that were probably very scared of seeing a person pass out in front of them. You were a zombie. What's the stupidest thing that you did as a kid that you know, like, that you know you would not let your kid do? So I had a, I had a fascination with fire at a young age. You had a fascination with what? With fire. Fire?

Yes. I enjoyed fire quite a bit. And I wanted to make a fireball. Oh my God. I told you the story before. Yeah. So what I did was, what I did was this, I got a softball, put it on the stove, fit perfectly into one of the little gas stoves in the city.

Yeah, yeah. And I poured oil on it. A lot of oil on me. Wait, listen, listen. I put a lot of oil on it. And then I turned off my stove and it ignited big. Like it was a big flame. And I was like, I was staring at it.

It was me and my dog, Duchess at the time, staring at this fireball. And I was like, magnificent. I was just thinking like, and then my grandmother was like, I smell something burning. What's that? And I was like, I can't get caught now. I'll be doomed. I'll be beat to death. So what did you do?

So I. So. So. I grabbed this fucking ball. I grabbed the mitt, put it on my hand, grabbed this ball of fire, this flaming softball, and threw it off a fifth-story building window. I threw it out the window.

I threw it out the window. And I heard screaming. Yes. You imagine living in the city and then walking out of the city? And you see some fucking Mario-ass fireball fall out of a window? Dude, I didn't see any crazy things when I was in the Bronx. Not a thing.

That's insane to me. I mean, it's crazy relative. That's why. Where were you in the Bronx mostly? I was on the best part of the Bronx and I saw crazy shit all the time. I'm from the Grand Concourse. And I saw crazy shit religiously. I saw a homeless man get kicked in his sleep, bro.

That shit was wild. I was like, Why'd they do that to him? I'll never forget this, like when I was coming home from my grandmother's house. She lived on Gun Hill, Gun Hill Road in the Bronx. That place is wild. It's not ideal. Gun Hill's bad.

And then it was like right on Gun Hill where like, you know, the train from a Shula was. It was like you're making a left. You had to make it left to go to Yonkers. And we were stopped at the light and I turned on my right and I see these three, three men beating up with vicious. intent. A fucking payphone. Destroying it. Punching it.

They didn't have tools. They weren't like, they weren't trying to like break. I assume they were trying to break in to get like the money, right, to change in the payphone. There's no other reason to destroy a payphone. You'd assume. Punching it. Punching it.

Like, not like this. Not like hammering it. Like you would bash on a door. Punching. Punching, kicking, kneeling, screaming, hollering. It was It was crazy I thought somebody was like playing some like heart

Like some crazy like scream music For a minute And then I turn to my right And all these guys are just beating up this paper I'm like I don't know Back home You got New York Look look you watch TV

And you're like New York is a beautiful place Go visit New York New York is so nice That's not New York man New York is the crazy shit The fucking people not caring about Something crazy

Dude New Yorker is Like, this is the thing. I've noticed this. Being from New York, I am really good at observing places I walk into. I walk into it. I'm like, all right, cool. Someone starts getting loud. It's like, that guy's all right.

I'm going to get out of here. Yeah. My girlfriend does not have that ability. Yeah. She's like, why are we leaving? What's going on? It's like, I'm pretty sure this man has a gun. I'm pretty sure I can feel it.

It feels familiar. Yeah, we can feel danger. Sputeman has a spider sense. He's a New Yorker and he's just seeing people have. weapon so often that he knows. Yeah. He's seen so many attacks. It is ridiculous.

It's, what about you guy? What's the greatest thing you ever seen back home or ever? Well, I remember when I was in college. Or did. He did, specifically. Oh, did? Yeah. You threw a fireball out of a window.

That shit is wild, bro. I think, like, I always, I've always been aware of, like, my mortality. Like, I just, I think the wackiest thing that I ever did was, like, go on, like, I was into skateboarding and that was the craziest thing because I was just like I can't get hurt but I never like threw a fireball

I just I never lived on the edge like that I didn't throw it I tossed it out of a window I would I didn't throw it I tossed it over it I would I would take thermometers to school

to Catholic school and I would break them over ant hills and watch the ants react to mercury I don't even know how it would be How, like, I was so young to do that? How did you pick that up?

I don't know. I don't know. I was very little. What is wrong with you, actually? It's not like I'm like putting, it's not like I'm like putting this toxic thing around these, these animals. They're not animals, come on. We're not going to have this argument again.

Huh? Those ants didn't do anything to you. Okay, sure. They would. They would exist in your world. If ants were big enough to do something to me, they would. Yes, but like, so would everything No

Yes No, a bee would probably just be cuddly A bee? Yeah, a bee Are you afraid of bees? Yes Are you serious? Yes

Are you not afraid of anything? What's it? Well, here's the thing Like I don't react well to like bug bites Or anything like that So I don't know what a beast thing will do to me Yeah, I never been stuck by a bee I'm stuck by a wasp

Oh It's not fun It feels like a gunshot real quick That's what my dad described it as Yeah, it really is like It really is like, it really It's like painful on a level that you like really can't comprehend and then it's gone immediately. And then your your finger looks like a fucking, like a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

It just swells up like a balloon. It's the stupidest looking thing in the world. I had to go to school where I had to wear a glove. Because my hand would look stupid without the glove. I got big by a horse fly when I was a kid and my arm swole like it was swollen. It was disgusting. I couldn't wear a long sleeve shirt. I had to cut my sleeves off of my shirts as a like.

That's insane. I've never heard by animal I've been bit by dogs before I knew this kid who used to chew silly buddy He used to choose silly buddy I liked Plato once I liked Plato once I ate Plato once I ate Plato at least once

It was confusing Like gum He would chew it like gum He would suck the nutrients out of At a fucking silly bird He probably had strong bones He had some fucking strong ass He's probably not gonna be

Like affected by this virus He's probably made of diamond now He's probably absorbed so much from that fucking putty. He's probably. I don't know. Probably. Poodie. It's like one of those novelty toys that you would probably find.

Silly pooty. I remember I used to get it at the pharmacy. Yeah. Remember when all the cool toys are at the pharmacy? Yeah. Remember the, I remember the righteous brigade or whatever they called? Sense of right.

Sentive right. All the bootleg. Yeah. Shrek and. It was a power. You don't see that much anymore in New York like bootleg toys. That's a shame. When I was a kid, like the bootleg poker.

Pokemon cards were so exciting. Yeah. I remember, I remember walking down Mashula. I remember walking down around Gun Hill. They were always people

selling like Garfield The Tale of Two Cities on like, on a DVD. And like it was like very clearly like food leg. When I was a kid in Catholic school, the teacher used to bribe us to answer questions and participate in class

with bootleg Ugeo cards. I'm not kidding. I remember this. Like you would have a kid get like full exodia. I got a spider men toy. A spider men? And I'm so sad that I lost it. It was a spider men toy.

And it really was, for all intents and purposes, just the Toby McGuire, like, Spider-Man action figure, just repurposed and probably sold for $1 more. Like, honestly. Like, it was just a real toy. But it was in a box that's Spider-Man. I had fake, had fake Dragon Balli toys. Really? Yeah, I had a Super Saint 5 Goku. Shit's not real.

He was like pink. I think I had, like, a fake Bulma toy. He was like pink or some shit. I was like, what the fuck? I had like... I had like... A fake Balma, definitely like a fake Sailor Moon. And for sure, like, fake Pokemon stuff in Hello Kitty.

Always wanted to sailor moon toys, but for the wrong reasons. What reasons were those? You could guess. I'm not going to say it. I'll leave that to the crowd to figure out. That's fair. We have one final question. Okay.

Before we head out of here. Yep, yep. Female Sonic Admire asks. That's me. That's what we thought. That's what we thought. I was like, oh, that sounds like gaffy. Is it actually you?

No, it's not. No. Oh, wait a minute. What happened? What happened? I lost it. Jibbering Joe Biden's Barely breathing body.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Okay, so, by the way, this will happen sometimes. I apologize. Last week, I read a question, and it said, I said the wrong name before it, but I just saw what happened, because this said female Sonic Admire, and then it changed to gibbering Joe Biden's barely breathing body. Oh, okay.

So, like, I guess, I guess Patreon is just kind of glitchy. So I apologize if this happens again, but... Sorry about that. But gibbering Joe Biden's barely breathing body asks, question. Question for the whole side show. What would be your last meal on this earth? It can be anything, even something as vague as mom's cooking. I would want my grandmother's Thanksgiving cooking, including her curry chicken.

Curry chicken, some white rice, some nice mac and cheese, rice and peas, you know, some collard greens and candy yams. That'd be perfect to go out to. That's a lot. It'd be a nice little meal. I mean, I'm dying. Fuck, help me out. Yeah. My dad makes this pasta that's like super, super, super good to the point where it's like, we refer to the family in the family is just the stuff.

It's like, oh, you're making the stuff? Yeah, it's like, okay, good. I could, I would, I would die for that. Genuinely. Or any, or New York pizza, honestly. It would be a nice, fantastic. It would be a nice way to go on. I would really love some pizza right now.

I'm, I've been clamoring for pizza, but I can't. You should order pizza. I can't. You're not going to get pizza here. You're going to get something that will make you want pizza. Oh, you'll get replications. is a pizza. Yeah.

Domino's is fine. I don't have a problem with dominoes. But like it's not, it's not pizza. That's bread with cheese on it. No, it's definitely not. That's bread with cheese on it. But it'll satisfy the,

the want for pizza for just a moment. But anyway, for me, my mom's a really good cook, so I'll have anything that she makes. So I know that's not. It's a good answer. You can't get everything you want. Sometimes you might just have to get things

that are just pretty damn close. Yeah. Well, guys. Being specific is the best thing. I think now is about that time to wrap things up. Yep, yep. I can feel my energy dwindling by the millisecond. Yeah, I can see the life leaving your eyes.

You're turning gray. Gray? Gray. Great. So, thanks again for everybody who supports this podcast, especially in these trying times. We know shit's crazy. Apologies again for the lack of a video version of the podcast.

Obviously, we're not trying to spend. frivolous amounts of money on camera equipment and stuff right now. You never know. Because things are very, very weird right now, and you all get the picture. So hopefully that's not a big deal. We're working on some merch. We've got some pretty cool designs, I think. Yeah, it's insane.

They'll be available soon. Hopefully Derek's all right by the next time, and things will be back to normal. If he's still sick, we'll just do the same thing with Discord or something. Yeah, gotcha. And obviously, if you support this channel, if you support this podcast on patreon. dot com slash the snark tank podcast no podcast podcast pageron dot com slash the snark tank you'll get if you if you donate a dollar you get the show early you donate five dollars you get to ask a question to the show and if you donate ten dollars you get your and you get your name red at the end of the show

and we will we will we will do that now three two and go for it a deplorable a level one cleric. Aaron Dale. Aaron De La Coudra. God damn it. The way this works is so stupid. Adrian Royal, Aetherian. Alex is a simp. Okay. Alex Jones. All hands on dick. Aloof the rectal specter ransom. That's really good. I like that. Artie, the one-man party. Hey Artie. Out's King. Badly Brave. Bascart. Beals above the gimp. By Beals. Black Nipple gang. Nice. BLT, the ace Hoonter.

Brandon Peavy. Cakes and Foxy, pH. What? All right. Carlton Banks. Hey. Carrie Roth, Carson Jones, cataclysmic cunt. What the fuck?

Catnips, Chad, Christopher Midling, Colonel Colin, the colon-collapsing kingpin. I love that. That's good. Hey Colin. That is good. Colonel Colin, the colon collapsing kingpin. That is really clever.

I like that. I like that a lot. That's a roundabout way, but I like it. That's good. Corey McNulty, Dan Schneider, the Heimann Divider. Oh, my God. We got these titles, man. Yeah, dangle blampy, dark, dank house.

It's a dank house. Just some dank house gives us money. Decato. Dodedod. Donald Trump, the world-renowned Negro Hunter. Classic. Doctor, Dr. Evil. Dummy Thick, Dave. Dylan Broadbent, Edward Fibudo.

Emperor Palpatine, just straight up. Eric Piper, fake Flynn, fat Houdini, Fitz. Oh, man. Fiajj, Fia, Fiajar, Fajar, Tandori Guton. That's really your name. I'm sorry for, sorry for messing it up. I'm just so bad with these names, man. I'm sorry.

Noir, Fouhay. Fuck you, Stevie Wonder. We all know your eyes were. Woo. Gassy, ghastly. Jimbering Joe Biden's barely breathing body. Gibran Joe. Jabar and Joe.

Biden. Gibran, Jammer, Jim and Joe's jamboree's jamborees. Jamp and Jimberie Joe Jamboree. Jimry Joe's jump in jamboree. Oh, my God. Ginny Higard. Glendon, Cole, Simper. Oh, man.

Gloffnoid, the jester of the Sween King. Nice. Gucci gang, my Gucci's gangrene. Oh, my God. Halo Reach Around. Oh. Nice to meet you, bro. That's a good one.

You're new. You're new boy. Heartless Wretch. He larvae Boswold. I'm always going to love that one. He'll be Boswold. Hiroshima's spicy mushroom. Oh, that's new.

Oh, man. Stop coughing. I'm getting a cough. Stop that. I'm dying. Stop that. Don't do that near me. Hugger Derek.

I have a micro dick and one ball. Nice. I'm so sorry. You used to live a very fractured life. Indoxicated. Jacob Armstrong. Jay Cunningham. Jefferson Steel Flex.

Jeremiah D. McRoberts. Good Lord. There's so many. It's insane. Jose Horock. Joshua Miller, King of Hapazard. Nicka.

Nice. You avoided it. Can't fool me. You can't fool me. Leon and Susan 5 ever. Levante Pooz-Ti? You people. You people in your non-control over your birth names. Liam Birch, Luca Bella, Luke Djerkovic, Melfis 1, Merrill, Tom's Mistress.

Um, what? Mia Khalifa. Mike Gates. Mike Littieris. So good. Very funny. Very good one. Okay, Bart.

Mr. H.R. Browski, I really, I'm so dyslexing with that one for some reason. Mystic D.N. Nicola Temple. Oliver Truxel. Papa John. Polio pussy got me disabled. That's such a good name. Dude, keep it up.

Keep up what you're doing exactly. P.P. Extendis. Progerian rectal homicide. Richter 86. Rod holder. Rushanish. Rusty Cuntes. Sentient condoms.

Sex haver. Sherlock 93 Shih Tzu posting Side Show Bob's Body Double Slumped Mole Studios Soghy Ardvark Some Sweeney Raygun

Page 3 final page We're on the final page And it's fucking long still Spider Man 2 sucks You're insane I hate you You are not welcome You're not welcome here

Stephen Crowder Stephen Crowder Sunny Chance Super Sonic What is it? Super Sonic Super Sonic Sween Peen machine

Whoa That's super dope That's good. Sweeney's magic weenie. Sweeney, Sweeney, Sweeney, Sweeney, Sweeney, Sweeney, Suc my weenie. There's a lot of Sweeney's Tom, the Ethnic Barber of Yeat Street. Stites, rip. Let's take a break, man.

Rij. Rij Bkema. I swear to you, that's how it's what's written. Tharja IBW, the cosmic hippie, the dreamer in his shadow, the JFK experience. Oh, blow your mind. The progerian hunter, the sinister Mr. Fister. The virginity thief The Specter Angel

Thompson sub-masween gun Oh Thompson sub-machine gun Is that me? Is that my night thing now? It's a Thompson, get it, sub-machine gun. It's not bad.

I guess. Thank you. It's not as violent as some of the other ones. Yeah. Toby Shootman. Just Tom. Just straight up Tom.

Is his name just Tom or his name? No, his name's Tom. Thank you, Tom. Thanks, Thomas. That guy has no vanity. He's a pure soul. He's a pure soul. He's just like, you know what?

My name's Tom. It's not interesting to read. But I want to help you. I'm out here. Can I give him some ASMR whispers? You want an ASMR whisper the rest of him? No, I just wanted to do time. Yeah, well, too bad.

Oh, man. Triple question mark. Umberman. Wash your anus. White Tom Sweeney. Winnie. Yazleen. Oh, my God.

I always do the L in there. Yassine Clemens. There you go. and uh zesty donger oh what a way to thank you all for your continued support on Patreon it's wild uh that even during a pandemic

the uh fucking the Patreon's growing so that's really cool yeah we really appreciate you guys and uh we'll see you guys next week hopefully closing comments yeah i think we're i think we're good before before we go we want everybody know it's a it's a scary time out here and things are way more than they've been in a very long time. Yeah.

Which is scary, you know. Please take care of yourselves. Please make sure that you are well hydrated and that you eat well and that you're not fainting from anxiety and stress. Make sure you just don't. If you're feeling and if you're not feeling too good, you know, just take some time home. I know everyone has a job. Everyone has to pay for things. But to keep yourself and other people safe, don't go to a crowded place if you're not feeling well.

stay hydrated, keep yourselves clean, and just keep rocking. Things are tough, but we'll make it. We'll all be good. This shit's crazy and hopefully this helped you

get your mind off it for a little bit. But in all seriousness, be safe, be smart, and we'll see you guys next time. We love y'all. Bye. Once upon a time,

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