The Squeeze - Abby Howard: From Heartbreak to Hope

Episode Date: June 10, 2026

TW: Pregnancy LossIn this week's episode, Tay sits down with social media influencer and podcast host Abby Howard! Abby opens up about what pregnancy and motherhood have revealed to her, how much becoming a mother expands your capabilities and capacity, and the many things that have humbled her along the way. She gets candid about the feeling of losing a sense of self and your old interests when you step into motherhood, and bravely shares her experience with late pregnancy loss and the grieving journey that followed. Abby talks about what made her feel ready to get pregnant again, what people said during that time that helped and what didn't, and what ultimately made her want to share her story online. She also shares what she would tell someone who is going through a loss, the things that help her mental health, and the self-care practices she loves. Abby wraps up by sharing all about her podcast Always Here!Be sure to follow Abby https://instagram.com/abbyelizabethoward/!Check out the Always Here podcast https://instagram.com/alwaysherepodcast/ and The Unplanned Podcast https://instagram.com/unplanned__podcast/To email us your questions or share your story, you can reach out to [e-mail] sure to rate, review, and follow the podcast so you don't miss an episode! Plus, follow us on all of our socials:The SqueezeInstagram: https://instagram.com/thesqueeze/TikTok: https://tiktok.com/@thesqueezepodcastTay LautnerInstagram: https://instagram.com/taylautner/TikTok: https://tiktok.com/@mrstaylautnerAmazon Storefront https://urlgeni.us/amazon/FDXj7 Taylor LautnerInstagram: https://instagram.com/taylorlautner/TikTok: https://tiktok.com/@taylorlautnerTo learn more from The Lemons Foundation, follow https://instagram.com/lemonsbytay/ and visit https://lemonsbytay.comEpisode Sponsors:Our listeners get up to 57% Off AND a Free Gift with code SQUEEZE at FirstDay.com.Go to tempomeals.com/SQUEEZE for SIXTY PERCENT OFF your first box!Use code SQUEEZE at jonesroadbeauty.com to get a Free Gift with your first purchase!#JonesRoadBeauty #adSubscribe to the Indigenous House YouTube channel for new episodes of JADED each week.Visit Crocs.com or a store near you to find your perfect pair of Classic Clogs!Let yourself run, lift, fail, try and go. Explore Peloton Cross Training Tread+ at onepeloton.com.Visit drinkspindrift.com and use code tay for 15% off.New styles drop all the time and the colors go fast, so don't wait! Go to lululemon.com right now.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The following podcast is a dear media production. I felt like I left one of my babies behind. Everything about that pregnancy felt perfect. I went to my 17-week appointment. The nurse said to me, we're just going to take you in for an ultrasound really quick. The nurse couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. The doctor came in.

She couldn't find it either. We can see her baby. It's just really still. And there's no cardiac activity at all. Ultrasound tech just said to me, I'm so sorry. I don't have good news for you. I couldn't feel the weight of what had just.

happened and what she was telling me, what do we do now? What do we do now? What do we do now? I had no frame of reference for what it looked like at this point. It was so eerily similar to like a live birth. You're in the same unit as everyone else that's having babies that are alive. There's no fetal monitoring of any kind. It's just an experience that you wouldn't wish on anyone. Hello, lemon drops. Welcome back to another episode of The Squeeze. If you are new here, Hi, we are so happy to have you. Welcome to the Lemon Drop community. This week's guest is a returning guest and her name is Abby Howard. Last time Abby was here, she was joined by her husband Matt, and this time her and I sat down to talk all things, girl chat, womanhood, motherhood, pregnancy,

and everything in between. This is a special episode because this is one of the first times that Abby's really opened up about her experience with late pregnancy loss. We died. We died. into what that time period was like for her, her grieving journey that followed, and what made her decide she was ready to be pregnant again. She also opens up about what pregnancy and motherhood have revealed to her, how much becoming a mother expands your capabilities and capacity, and the many things that have humbled her along the way. This is definitely an emotional episode, so trigger warning for anyone that may be sensitive to the topic of pregnancy loss. But as emotional as this episode is, it is so powerful to see the journey that Abby has been on.

And I'm honored that she wanted to share this journey with us. So without further ado, please enjoy this episode. Abby, welcome back to The Squeeze. Yes, thanks for having me. I'm so excited to have some one-on-one chat because life looks different for us. Totally. Last time you were here. Seriously.

It was a while ago. It was like three years, I think. Yeah, that's like crazy. And you were pregnant last time. Yes. And you were pregnant again. And now I am. So maybe next time we do this, we'll both be pregnant again.

Congrats. Let's do it again. Play it back. I was curious to see if you were going to be like, no, I'm dead. Or if you're like. Oh, no. I am one of those people I'm sick in the head. I could just keep going forever and ever.

I love that for you. That's not me in this moment, but maybe once I have my baby, then it'll change my perception. Totally. You never know. Either way. Either way. It's fine and acceptable and great. It's fine. Okay. We start each episode off with this jar. It's a game called Citrus Got Real. If you want to pull a little piece of paper out of there. Is this the one I'm supposed to get? It's not, but I forgot to pull. They fall in every

couple episodes I have to pull them back up. So if that's not a good one, we can dig. It's been chosen for me. You may read it? Yeah. Okay. If you had to narrow it your own life, who would you want as the voice? Oh. Oh, someone different. I always get criticism that my voice is very annoying and I agree like when I listen back to things I'm like

oh I don't want to listen that either so but I can't really change it at this point yeah let's think of someone with a yeah I mean we're just gonna make peace with it let's think I want to someone with like a peaceful calming voice

I know I'm like trying to think of like who does like those like nature documentaries yes like someone from like NADU Who's the lady that does all the audible narrations, honestly? That's such a boring answer, but honestly, I love her voice. It's like the same person that does so many of them. This is a bad answer, but just someone that has a drastically different voice than me.

The audible lady. The audible lady. Let's let her do it. Mine would be Matthew McConaughey because I just love him. Deep, soulful voice. Yeah. Okay, well, I guess if we're doing men, too, then how am I not going to say Morgan Freeman? Okay, yeah.

Yeah, no, that's true. That's true. Okay, he just opened up the door for me. That's so peaceful and calming. I know. I read Matthew McConaughey's book and I, everyone was like, I got halfway through and everyone's like, what are you doing? You should listen to it because he like narrates it.

But when I'm reading it, I hear it in his voice, like in my head. Oh. So I, it's like, I can already translate. Yeah. Yeah. It's like it's there. Was it called like green lights or something like that? Yeah.

Yeah. When you listen to that one. Okay. I want to talk about motherhood. I mean, we are going to dive into a lot of like mom related topics today, which I'm excited about. But let's start. start with just kind of like motherhood in general because I'm I'm curious to know just how

that experience has been for you but I know this is maybe like a broad question but is there something that like motherhood has revealed to you maybe something you've been noticing even like in this pregnancy totally I feel like motherhood has a way of just constantly teaching me new things I'm going to put that out there first and foremost but something that has has been so on my mind recently when it comes to motherhood is that as I have been a mom, and I truly believe this for other women's experiences too, but obviously I'm just speaking for my own. Like, my capacity has grown as my children have grown, as my number of children have grown, as I've been pregnant, and as I've navigated loss, like my capacity has continued to grow and grow and

grow and it's been so reassuring because I just remember especially after having my first like those first weeks I was like how in the world am I going to do this for 18 years and like it was and I was like every single day like I just felt like so like burnt I remember feeling burnt out a lot and I was felt a lot of shame for that and I was also like this is all I've ever wanted so what in the world is wrong but like just my capacity has just continued to expand so thanks. Things don't feel as overwhelming, nearly as overwhelming. I feel like my energy has just grown. My patience has grown.

Like, and I think that's ultimately just because my love has grown. And it has just, it, and it no longer feels like this overwhelming, heavy, like, I just feel so capable of doing everything that I need to get done, done for my kids. And, uh, and for growing this baby too. And that has just been so, it's just been so good for my confidence. like as a mom too because I think that was definitely a learning curve as well but just like just I always say moms make it happen and I think it's because like we are just constantly expanding yeah and I don't know that's just been a piece of encouragement that I've like felt recently I love that and I needed to hear that and I'm sure there's a lot of love and drops that are listening probably want to hear I know my girlfriends definitely need to hear that as well because that's that's something that I'm I think we've been struggling with is like what because it is it's my first and a couple of my girlfriends that are pregnant. It's their first as well and we're like what like what is that going to look like after like it is such an unknown like Taylor and I were just in New York and

we were sitting having like ramen at a random like hole in the wall place in the middle of the day and I like started getting emotional because I was like this is like just the two of us right now like this isn't going to like be like this again for like a long time or unless it's you know of course we'll go on a vacation the two of us at some point down the line, but do you feel pressure to like love every moment? Like was there ever like, was there ever anything you went through that was kind of like you thought it was going to be different? Kind of how I was just talking about like my pregnancy. Like maybe you thought it would be different, but it actually ended up being harder like parts of motherhood. You're like the whole thing. So many things.

Both good and bad. Like I feel like there's just so many. things I've just been surprised by, humbled by. And that's just simply because your journey to motherhood and through motherhood, everyone's looks so unique. And I've just been reminded of that certainly after going through a season of loss. Like everyone, I mean, I just had a baby shower last weekend. And I was just looking around the room at all the women that had shown up for me. And every one of those women were moms. And everyone had gone, I'm talking about infertility, loss. adoption, IVF, like every, like the whole range, just within that small group of women around me. And I'm sure for all of us, like, going into this, if we were to like sit down and write,

like how this is going to look like it would not have looked anything like what we've been dealt, you know? Yeah. And that's also why I, like, have just been pondering on this whole thought that, like, your capacity grows as your expectations on you and your life. hands you new challenges and gifts and blessings. Like it just continues to like grow you and shape you. But yes, I certainly remember after having my first, I always tell people that for me personally, the biggest shift was having your first. And it's, it doesn't, it's, I don't say that to

discourage people at all. I actually say it to encourage people because I'm like, if you find yourself right after having, I always say no one should be able to make any big decisions after having a baby because I had such a roller coaster of emotions afterwards. And I just remember like the first, I'm talking like the very early on. I just got home from the hospital. I just remember my mom sitting me down and being like things might not feel like you think they're going to feel. She's like this will this everything. The dust will settle. Everything will settle. Yeah. And I'm so God I had her in my ear because I really did feel like I was like so happy, so sad. So, like so confused.

Like I didn't even know how to put. And normally I'm a blabber mouth. Like I can talk and just tell you everything. This is why I feel this way. And this is what we can do to fix it. And I just was at a loss at that point. And sure enough, moms are usually right in this way. And things started to settle.

And then obviously we have new curveballs and unplanned pregnancy. Pregnancy loss. And then a season of waiting. Like all these things. is have just like definitely not looked like I would have expected. But I feel so much purpose in every trial and every also just like a surprise surprising blessing that's happened along the way. But specifically, I always say the hardest transition was from zero to one because you're just for the first time learning how to be a mom. And that is just a huge life change.

that like you're fully believe it like you're equipped for everyone's like full i was fully equipped but i just sometimes you just need that reminder when everything has changed yeah i love that um was it hard for you to because i know there's a lot of talk around women not wanting to have kids because they're not wanting to give up their career or give up something or lose their purpose I know that was kind of a thing for me why I, like, waited so long was because I was like, well, I don't know, like, am I going to be able to do these things with work or whatever it is? And I feel like recently we've kind of been, like, squashing that stigma. But I'm curious if you ever dealt with maybe just like losing your, like, forgetting your passions,

like, not forgetting who you are, but like, did you ever struggle with losing those aspects of yourself? Yes, I have never once felt like a career woman, if that makes sense. Yeah. Like, I'm very grateful for the career that I have and I feel like so much purpose in it now. But it's never been like, I've never been career minded or ambitious in that way. And which is funny because on the dual side, I sometimes also feel like a little, or used to feel like a little shame for that. Like, I was like, I really just want to get married and have kids. And I felt like, I was like afraid to say that sometimes.

Because I was like, because I feel like we've done so, such a. good job of equipping girls and young women to like literally just do anything you do anything you do anything but i was like man i just actually that's actually the one that i want to do though and so um but to your point i do remember a season i think i actually had this after every single pregnancy where i was like i did feel like a loss of like what do i even want to do now like almost to the point, this sounds so dramatic. But I just, I remember this feeling of like looking in the mirror and just be like, we need to get reacquainted here.

Because I was like, the things that I once thought were fun, I was like, that doesn't even sound fun. Like, literally all I want to do is sleep right now. Like, I don't, I just wanted to be quiet when I normally loved like a big bustling social life. I wanted to like, I always wanted to try new things and new hobbies. And I was like, I just wanted to do things that were, like, felt safe, like within the home. I remember that was like really unsettling for me because I was like, oh, that's not me.

I'm not like that. And once again, the dust all had to settle and a lot of those interests come back. Some, I'm like, that once was fun. Like I once like, I gave the example of like we went skydiving. And I was like, that was a one and done for me. Like I'm not going to do that again. Like I don't personally, I'm glad I can say I did it. But that's not of interest anymore. And so it's like some we let go of. And that's just part of anyone getting older and maturing. But I think. motherhood, like becoming a mom really expedites that process where it's like, okay, we're going to shed that, take this on, like, let's go. Okay, I want to dive into your pregnancy loss experience, if you're good with that. For our lemon drops that don't know your story, do you mind just

kind of sharing what you went through? Yeah. Okay, so I think starting on, talking about our pregnancy loss journey actually starts talking about just having our first. Our first, we were so excited, got pregnant right away, had our first baby. Got, you know, okay, I shouldn't say you know, but you may find yourself after you have your first where you're just like, okay, I don't really want to get on birth control again. And like, I just need to let everything settle, get reacquainted with your body. And then there's always like, I'm talking to my friends, a couple scares, like, It's like, oh, maybe, yeah, I don't think, surely not. I surely was.

I found myself pregnant four months postpartum with our second. And in quick succession, had two baby boys. And life was crazy for a while. And it's crazy in a different way now. But that time, I was just so much learning, so much growth. And so, but we did say, we're like, our next one, we are going to plan perfectly. Like, we are not going to be shocked. No more surprise.

We did that. That was fun. That was amazing, but no more surprises. And so for my third pregnancy, it was one of those, like, perfectly planned. Like, we are ready now. Like, our kids are more, like, adjusted. We can take on another baby. And everything about that pregnancy felt perfect. It felt great and amazing. Everything was textbook. I had gone through it twice before, and everything was very similar. I still had that anxiety that I think any mom feels when early pregnancy. You just know the statistics are scary. And I just remember like sharing a lot of those fears with some of my friends.

And Madden's like, well, we've been to the doctor. Everything looks fine and normal. You know, everything looks great. And everything was normal. And then I went to my 17 week appointment and actually brought my whole, like both of our sons went and Matt was there. And that's really kind of a fluke because at this point I feel like the OB appointments had become very routine, whereas like everyone would always come to all of them. And then now it's kind of like, okay, well, we're surely. It'll just be in and out. Yeah.

And sure enough, we go in and the nurse couldn't find the baby's heartbeat at 17 weeks. And then the doctor came in. She couldn't find it either. And she's like still being reassuring and comforting and she was like, we're just going to take you. Sometimes babies do this. Like this might be the positioning thing. Like, we're just going to take you in for an ultrasound really quick. They take me in and we can see our baby. It's just really still. And there's no cardiac activity at all. And the Ultrasound tech just said to me, she was like, I'm so sorry. I don't have good news for you. And I think in that moment, it's like really hard to describe that feeling. Like, you. Even now, I just feel like I couldn't feel the weight of what had just happened and what she was telling me.

And it's like I just go into like, okay, what do we do now? What do we do now? What do we do now? It wasn't until things settled and actually ending up having to deliver our daughter. We didn't even know we had a girl at that point, but we went back into the room. She's like, I think we saw gender on the ultrasound. Like, do you want to know? She was like, it was a baby girl.

And then I was just like, what do you even do at that? this point. I had heard a lot of conversation about what early miscarriage looks like. Yeah. I had no frame of reference for what it looked like at this point. And so I just had all kinds of questions, but also I just wanted to run out of that office. And so I just, it was so confusing, you know, that day and we waited that day. And then that night we went back into the hospital and started the process of induction of like a delivery. And I always say that delivering our daughter was just, it was so eerily similar to like a live birth.

You're in the same unit as everyone else that's having babies that are alive. They have like an incubator across from you that you just know that you're not going to use. And like there's no fetal monitoring of any kind. And it's just an experience that you wouldn't wish on anyone. But it is an experience that has grown me like so, so much. I wouldn't say I'm, it's hard to think about this as like being grateful for. But in a way I am for just like the perspective shift that it was for me. And also just like I have so much empathy, so much more capacity for empathy now.

because of the experience. But yeah, that's the long-winded answer for like our story of loss. But yeah, it was, it was definitely a shock. Yeah, definitely a shock. Well, thank you for sharing that. I think it's important that people know this. I mean, I don't even, I don't personally know anyone. I think I know like some, like, grown women, like,

older adults, but I don't know anyone in my personal life that has dealt with like late pregnancy loss like that. And I wouldn't even like as you were describing that, like I didn't, I've never even like thought about like what that process is like after finding out. You know, when you're doing everything right, eating well, trying to stay consistent, but you still feel kind of off like something's slightly missing and you can't quite put a finger on it. I used to just chalk that up to being busy, and then I started actually paying attention. The thing is, most of us have small gaps in our nutrition, especially with how hectic life gets, things like low energy or just feeling run down, a lot of that can come from not getting the right nutrients consistently.

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so that I may never have an actual why for why this happened and we kept thinking that we were going to get more and so I mean what happens when you have a late loss like this you have to make decisions that you never ever would think that you're ever having to make like I mean we had to make like we had to make arrangements for like what to do with her body. We had to make arrangements for like, do you want an autopsy? What type of autopsy do you want? And I think that it had been such a primary goal of me, of mine. I don't really know. I'm so grateful that I had this clarity of mind at this time. I don't really even know where it came from, but I just had this desire to preserve as much of her humanity as I could throughout this whole process.

And I had never had to make those ethical decisions in my, like I'd never had to hash that out. before, but I'm really at peace and grateful for the way it all had to happen. So we just decided to do minimally invasive things. And we did do further labs on myself. And we did seek a minimally invasive, just like, it wasn't invasive at all, just a visual autopsy. And we did hindsight genetic testing. And I kept getting met with the answer of like, I did.

We don't. We're not really getting a good reason for why any of this would have happened. So, um, we don't, we don't really know. And I, I'm shocked by how upsetting it was for me for so long. Like I just wanted a why. I mean, rightfully so. I'm like, upset for you right now in this moment. Yeah. We know, yeah. I mean, we, I'm hesitant to share like details online of like, we, we know, we know, we know what went wrong, but we don't know why it went wrong. And I think that the reason I'm hesitant to share it online is just because I have harbored so much blame myself for what happened, even though every professional I've ever talked to, like, absolutely not. Like, there's nothing you could have done to, like, have prevented this or cause this. Like, this just happens. And

even me, like, Google searching, like, how could I have caused this? Like, basically, like, what are the causes of this. It's just not fitting into anyone answer. And I think a lot of moms I experienced loss do feel this type of like, it's not uncommon to feel blame of like, how could, under my protection, this happened. But yeah, all that to say medically, there is no definitive answer. And I doubt, I want to say that I doubt that having a definitive answer would bring me more solution, but it's hard to be on this side of that uncertainty and be like, yeah, we won't know, but here we are, you know. So don't have a good reason for why. Yeah. Yeah. How was that decision for you deciding to get pregnant again after that? What was that process like? Yes. I, I hold so much space for

anyone's mindset after going through loss because I hear all kinds of things and I think every single one makes a lot of sense. Yeah. But for me from the very beginning of like I'm talking about like literally the day of like knowing of our loss, it was just very important for me to, for that to not be the end of that journey. And for people that want it to be the end, I'm like, yes, like that that's so valid It's not like there's no judgment on that just as I'm like because I wanted to get pregnant again. I never wanted to judge myself and thinking like, oh, you're moving on or you're replacing her or these other things. Like I felt judgment for myself in all kinds of ways. There was a lot of mixed emotions and like self negative negativity toward myself at that time.

But from the beginning, I remember just like asking, I was like, how can we go about this in a way that's going to be more most advantageous? for a future pregnancy. And because you kind of do have to think about those things when you go about like delivering, whichever way you end up making that happen. And so I remember thinking, I remember like really wanting that, but also being obviously petrified of that. Like I was so, so terrified. And I just remember telling Matt, like, this can't, this simply can't happen again.

And then the more I thought about it, I was like, but it can. Like, but it can. And that wrestling, like fully, you know, whenever you get pregnant, you know that this is something that can happen. But having gone through that experience and no detail for detail what that type of loss looks and feels like and entering into it again, knowing this can happen again, I did feel a different type of confidence than I've ever felt before. because I was thinking, I was like, no, this is still worth it.

Even if I go about this and the same outcome comes, it's worth the cost to love again and to love another baby again. And that was actually empowering in some type of way. Like to just be like, oh, I can, like, one of the worst case scenarios, there's all kinds of things that can happen, right? Yeah. One of the worst case scenarios could happen and that will still be worse. it will it be will it utterly break me and rip my heart apart and be super difficult yes but it's worth it

and that just helped me take on a new pregnancy with a different type of mindset and confidence i would say yeah what has your grieving journey been like one because you are mom and a wife and you got two little ones running around at home, like how are you able to find time for yourself to grieve, but also find time to grieve privately because you do live your life so publicly? Like, what was that experience? I mean, what has that experience been like for you?

Yeah. Well, for the first two weeks, I mean, I feel so grateful because this isn't an option for a lot of moms, but I like checked out of motherhood. Like, I really did. Because I just felt like, I felt like I left one of my babies behind. So I was like, I can't, like, I can't continue.

Like, so I just checked out. And Matt did literally everything for our kids. And we have such an amazing community of people, too, that made all of our meals that brought activities and toys for our children, like offered to do literally anything under the sun for us at that time. And I just, like, I can't tell you how crucial that was for me at that time. But Matt literally did everything. I remember, like, he literally even brushed and blowdried my hair when I was finally able to shower and, like, get that energy.

And I was like, I can't even stand up any longer to, you know, it was just so heavy at that time. And in those two weeks, I literally did nothing. But I didn't look at my phone forever. I didn't do, like I didn't make a single meal. I didn't basically see anyone except for other moms I had gone through late loss and my therapist. And I just went on walks. I journaled.

I read fiction actually. So many people gave me like grief books. And I was just like, I can't even crack into this right now. Like I can't. Yeah. My brain is a grief book right now. Like I just like I found a lot of. escape and fiction but that wasn't necessarily my goal like I didn't I intentionally didn't want to numb out

like I intentionally didn't want to like do anything that would like slow down that process necessarily or like yeah like I just wanted to really dive in but fiction fell safe like a safe like okay like a minute here just to like yeah because it was reading it was slow paced yeah um but so for those two weeks I literally just checked out completely and then like you said, you have responsibilities, you have children, you have family, you have work. And I did feel a lot of recovery from, recovery is kind of a hard word, right? But I just felt a lot of progress in my grief through once again starting to like get bits of myself back as far as like work and kids and things like that, just taking it on really slowly.

And I just, I was amazed by how, oh, I slept a lot. I slept a lot. And actually I've talked to other people that I've been grieving. Like, it grief exhausts you. Like, it really does exhaust you. And I've been always kind of just like a, I love sleep. But like kind of like an high energy person. But I just felt like I hadn't zero capacity at that point.

Zero capacity for stress for anything. Like I had zero capacity. So that slowly taking things on and then I felt like slowly engaging in social interactions again. Like everything was just like slowly integrating back into regular life. But every once in a while would just knock me back on my butt. Like I promise you like things that would surprise me like would just be like, wow, today was like so draining or doing this which I didn't think would be anything. like I wasn't like oh this is this might be hard like I would be shocked by how much I was like

oh that like that sounds vile like I don't ever want to I don't want to do that today like and just really kind of trying to listen to that which was hard but to just kind of like listen to that and know when to push myself and know when to just be like it's it can't happen so it was a slow reintroduction for sure yeah what throughout that time and even now what what words of encouragement maybe helped you and maybe what were some things that weren't helpful? Like people, maybe things people said to you or just the way people maybe misunderstand pregnancy loss. What were some good things like for people listening that maybe have someone going through pregnancy loss?

Yeah. What were some things that you found helpful and maybe some other things that you didn't? I hold so much grace for anyone that was like wanting to try to comfort me. Like I wasn't like just the fact that they wanted to reach out and offer condolences or prayers or thoughts or just any type of like addressing it. I was like I have so much grace. So I wasn't going to like mince words and be like that wasn't really. I didn't like that. But sometimes what was hard is actually when it wasn't addressed.

And I understand that mentality because that I've been there where I'm like I don't want to remind. them. Like, I don't want to bring up this heavy thing if they're like finally made it out the house and I don't want to just make them sad again. But, and I know that there might be some people that go through this. It's, grief is so different for everyone. They say it's like a fingerprint. Like, it's so different for everyone. But for me, I was like, I'm already thinking about it. I'm already thinking about her constantly. And so it felt really good when those, especially those that were close to me were like, oh, like they would bring it up. And what was really helpful was friends being basically just like literally grieving with me. Like,

crying with me or just like talking about her and like asking me personal questions like that might be a that's a personal preference for sure but those that had like could literally meet me where I was at in like a dark negative place it didn't make me feel more dark and negative it literally they say like pain divided is or pain share is pain divided and it really felt like I could offload some of that in some small way because I was like they're carrying that with me. Like I remember I called one of my friends literally leaving the OB office and she just is crying with me. Both my sister-in-law is crying with me and that meant so even my OB when she was born she was crying with me. And that that meant a lot because it was it also validated her life as a loss whereas it was like oh it's not just you

that is like missing Emerson. It's like Emerson is a person that's going to be missed by many because she's not just your daughter, but she's also like a girl that we wanted to, you know, see grow up and play with our kids or a cousin or a niece and all these different things. So that can look a lot of different ways. That can be said a lot of ways, but a lot of times I just say like, I'm heartbroken with you. Like this absolutely sucks.

This is devastating. Like saying that, shockingly enough to not make me feel more devastated. Like, I don't think that was even possible. So I think that it just made me feel like the burden was just a little bit lighter that other people understood.

Yeah, I like that what you said. The shared grief is divided. Grief as it was a grief? Pain shared is pain divided. Pain shared is pain divided. I think that's Dr. Avin. Honestly, it probably is. Yeah.

Wise man. I love that. That's so special. I think there's so much power behind that. And everything that you said about community, I completely agree with. And having, like, a community of friends that you feel so safe around and being able to go deep and share those, like, hurts and the pain with is so, so, so important.

Crocs have had such a moment. and I honestly think it's because they figured out something most shoe brands haven't yet. That comfort and personality can actually live in the same shoe. You guys know how obsessed with my crocs I am. I actually don't even know how many pairs I have. Like there's too many, probably 12. There's so many different occasions for my crocs and I am truly obsessed with them because the comfort is genuinely next level.

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Peloton IQ learns what moves you and creates weekly class recommendations led by instructors who match your mood and vibe. Let yourself run, lift, fail, try, and go. Explore Peloton cross-training, tread plus at one peloton.com. Okay, I feel like summer is when you really start paying attention to what you're actually drinking. Like you're reaching for something cold constantly after a workout sitting up. outside or on a road trip, whatever it is, and it starts to matter a little more that what you're

grabbing actually tastes good and feels good. And that's honestly why spin drift has become such a non-negotiable for me. Spindrift is the only sparkling water in America made with real squeezed fruit, and you genuinely can taste the difference the second you open one. It's not just carbonation with a subtle hint to flavor, it's actual flavor because there's actual fruit in it. Real fruit taste better and that's just the spin drift difference i've been really into the island punch lately it tastes so bright and tropical which honestly feels perfect for this time of year and i always have the raspberry lime on rotation because you can actually taste the raspberries in it which sounds obvious but is genuinely rare in a sparkling water and i love that it's unsweetened with no added sugars just a few

calories from the real squeezed fruit itself spin drift has honestly become my go-to pregnancy drink when i need a little flavor. It's nice knowing the ingredients that I'm putting in my body. It's one of those things where you can just feel the difference in quality and once you know, you really can't go back. Our listeners get 15% off on their next order of Spindrift. Visit DrinkSpindrift.com and use code Tay at checkout for 15% off your site-wide purchase. One use per customer valid through 1231-26, not valid on subscription orders. That's D-R-I-N-K-S-P-I-F-T-R-I-T dot com, use code T for 15% off your next order. I feel like there are certain pieces that just work their way into your weekly wardrobe rotation without even planning it. And that's exactly what happened with the L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-Raw

Flo Y dress. I've honestly been a fan of the flow Y bra for so long. So when Lulu Lemon took that same Y razor back and the buttery soft Nulu fabric and built it into a whole dress, I was immediately obsessed. Like they took the one thing everyone already loved and just gave us more of it. And the Newlu fabric is genuinely everything. It feels so weightlessly light on your body. I always describe it as barely there, like you forget you're even wearing it. It's sweat wick. Wicked. and four-way stretch, so it moves with you completely. And the Y racer back gives you this beautiful wide range of motion through your shoulders that just feels so freeing. There's nothing restrictive about it at all. What I keep coming back to is how effortlessly it transitions. I'll wear it to a

morning class and then just keep it on for the rest of the day. Getting coffee, running errands, not needing to change once. The built-in shelf bra gives you real support. There are pockets. There's a shorts liner underneath so you're fully covered. It genuinely does everything without looking like workout clothes. It looks like an actual outfit. I wear Lululemon and you should too. Seriously, if you've been sleeping on this collection, don't wait. Go to lululemon.com right now. New styles drop all the time and the colors go fast. So don't wait. And if something doesn't work for you, free returns always. That's lululemon.com. Lululemon.com. If I did want to ask, what was the decision like for you to share about your pregnancy loss online publicly. How did you guys talk through

that? What was that decision like? Totally. I actually should have brought that up earlier because that was actually a huge milestone for me and my grief journey. It was like being public about our daughter Emerson and talking about her story. So in grief, like just like what they talk about in the realm of like psychology. I know there's like stages of grief. And one of like the most advanced stages of grief is like meaning making. And I feel like sharing her story. Like even having the opportunity to share like on your platform too and like on other podcasts I've been on has been like a way that I have been able to like channel this grief into making meaning of her loss. In a way that I'm, I feel so grateful that I get to because we have these platforms.

we have listeners that can hear. And I'm telling you, like, we were just in Disneyland. And this mom came up to me. And she had just lost a baby girl at 17 weeks, like weeks prior to being there. She's like, I always like to go to Disney when I am pregnant. Like, or at this stage of pregnancy because you feel good. And we had this trip planned. And she's like, we almost didn't come because they had experience, like, you know,

the unimaginable loss. but she's like, but I still decided to come, like, for my kids. And I had been in that exact position. She had listened to our podcast too. And just saying that, like, it goes, I'm saying this in so many different types of ways, but I'm saying it goes both ways. Like, me sharing the story has been such a blessing. But then also, like, hearing how Emerson's story has played some part of a role in their grief

is also just so healing too. Like, it's like, it's just, it's meaning. is what it is. But yeah, I remember feeling so like, how in the world am I going to put words to this? But I spent those first two weeks literally just writing and journaling. And I felt like I had like a good snapshot of what that moment felt like. And I was like, I never want to exactly forget where I personally am with this. And I also feel so much purpose in making this public too. and I'm glad that like I have that and I'm so glad that like maybe I didn't say everything you know that's how I felt in that moment you know and so it's been it's been it was very

difficult to do but also I just I felt so much purpose in filming and getting those words out there and yeah I remember at that moment I was like even if no one listens to this that I'm so glad that we had this documentation of like this conversation as heartbreaking and difficult as it was. But then to have that other side of it of like other women that have walked through and said me too or like I never thought this would happen. But like you know, it's been like about seven months at this eight months at this point and other people like they have since found it. And it's I hate that they've gone through that. Like I hate that like actually so so much. But I I'm glad that they could maybe possibly feel less alone because of putting it out there.

Because it is a, it isn't, your odds aren't typical. Yeah. You know what I mean? You have those statistics and it's not typical, but it still happens. And so, and I think anyone of any type of loss can relate. For sure. So, um, that's so true. Yeah.

I felt a lot of purpose in that. Yeah. That's something that I feel like I've found a lot of purpose in. is just sharing about my pregnancy. And it's so, I've never interacted with my audience before like this. Like I've never gotten so many DMs from women saying I'm six weeks or I'm in 30 weeks, whatever. Like it's, there's just so many, we're all like walking through this.

And I think, you know, having a platform, it's not our responsibility to, but I think it's important that we do really share what's going on because there's so many women that are going through this and it's important for us to like share it. Yeah. make people feel less alone because that's and to that point too it's like I had I had already surpassed that point of like okay you know the threshold of like okay we'll tell our friends at this point of the pregnancy and then we'll post on social me at this point I'd surpassed all of that you know and so there was and now I'm of the type of thing where I'm like well

at this point I will just share with anyone close to me because I know that there's never any guarantees with this journey. Yeah. And that's, that's devastating on one hand, but it's also freeing on the other. It's like, yeah, it will be what it will be. And so true. That has been a unfortunate but beautiful reminder. Yeah. What would you say to women listening right now that are quietly carrying grief and loss and walking through that season of life? Gosh, it's so hard, because like in those times it's just like there are no words. Just to say like you're not alone and I know that sounds like so cliche, but grief has a way of just wanting to isolate you.

And it can keep its grips on you really deep when you're alone too. And so I can also just say like I feel like sometimes with grief it can make it could make me feel like no one is going to understand. Not one of my friends that I would talk to. Like, okay, I did, I was so grateful that I was able to find some women. But some of the people that I even had the most, like, I found like pivotal in my grief journey had never experienced even an early miscarriage. And I think sometimes grief wants to convince us that it will take someone that has gone through the exact same circumstances you have been through, the exact same type of loss, at the exact gestation, at the exact type of delivery,

the surprise element of it, the missed miscarriage. Like, it'll take that for you to feel like you have some type of support for where you're at right now. And that, I believe that is a lie. Because I'm telling you, the people that have been so helpful to me and so critical had never even experienced anything like that. And it wasn't like I was thinking the whole time, but you don't know. Not once. Not once. And so just being willing to question that when grief is trying to say, like, don't even tell them because they're not going to know.

They don't know. They only, which there's some element of like, yeah, they don't know. But it doesn't mean that there's not something like so crucial for you within that relationship and like being vulnerable in that. So, yeah, that's the nuance to you're not alone that I can offer. But yeah. Our lemon drops listening hear me say you're not alone all the time. And it's something I always say exactly what you said. It's so cliche.

And it's like the most overuse slogan in any form of mental health, anything. But there is so much truth to it. And it really not, it just makes it, I don't want to say easier to walk through. But knowing that you are not the only person going through it, knowing there's someone else does take a little bit of the, oh my gosh, I am the only one to going, oh, someone actually can understand or someone can even just empathize, like what you were saying, you know,

your friends that hadn't walked through loss at all, but we're able to empathize with you, I think is so, that's so crucial. And it's so important for us to, like, remember that as we walk through all of the things that life throws at us. getting into mental health, what is prioritizing your mental health look like for you today? For me, like this very day. Yeah, why not?

Well, that's the problem because we're traveling today. No, I swear. In the season of life that you're in. Totally. You're like there's no mental health today, actually, because there's too many flights. No, it's my husband. This is very special. Like, we aren't away from the kids very much.

Just, like, hopping for a day trip is, like, seriously. it is really special. But honestly, this is also, like, there's science behind this for a reason. Activity really helps me. And obviously, I'm not moving like I used to, but like even just going on a walk or just showing up at the gym and modifying literally everything and like spending half the time in the bathroom because I surely have to pee the entire time. Yeah.

But working out really just does something hormonally to just make me feel so much better. I don't know. I always, this is not proven in any way whatsoever. But I always tell my husband, I'm like, I have high testosterone. So I just got to get my rage out. And I got to lift. And like, I'm not doing anything crazy. But there's also something about the fact that I do group fitness. So I see the same girls that I like loved yearly every single day. I get to take my kids with me. They love it too. They have like a child area. I'm telling you working out just really. And also I just feel like it's such a gift too because when I think about my mom's pregnancy, and like my mother-in-laws, my grandmas, they were like, don't move, sweetheart. Like you're pregnant. Like, it's not, please just stay still. It's like, what did you expect? I need to do something.

Like, I need to move. And obviously, I'm not doing anything crazy, but just that element of moving your body. Just it gets the thoughts moving. It gets the emotions moving. I feel like when I'm stagnant, my brain is stagnant. So there's like a direct relationship

between the physical and the mental for sure for me. Yeah. I think that's what made my first trimester, like even more hard was that I literally like could not like get up and do anything and I'm such a busy body like even just like watching Taylor like load the dishes in the dishwasher wrong he's gonna laugh at me if he hears this because I have problems with how things need to be loaded in the correct order but like just watching him I mean he's helpful he's doing everything around the house so he's like doing it like quote unquote wrong and I'm just like watching him like laying

there like I can't even like put the dishes in the like just I feel like not being able to move really messes with your brain if you are that type of personality. And now I feel better. Now I can like do things, which is so, I'm so grateful for because I really like mentally needed that. And I think it's just like made it worse. I do need to say that with a caveat of like so much gratitude that I feel good enough to be able to do that. Yeah. But don't get wrong. Sometimes I'm like, no, that sounds like the worst thing. But every single time I'm like, I'd be so glad. Yeah. I was just about to say, like, it's a, you know, it's a double-sided coin. There's yin-yang to everything that we're talking about.

But some people literally can't. I was actually on pelvic rest for a while of this pregnancy. Oh, wow. And I couldn't. And so I had to find other ways to move my body that were safe. Yeah. And I was like, oh my gosh, what am I going to do? And I wasn't worried about my physique, certainly.

I was like, what is my, what's going to happen in my brain in this month of pelvic rest, month plus, you know, so. Yeah. No, it's, it's so true. I feel that for sure. Are there any other like favorite self-care or like healing tools that you use that you do? I love taking a bath. It's so basic, but just I love it. Yeah. I just, I need to do it. This is dumb, but we can't take baths pregnant? Yes. It just can't be like hot. Super hot. I've just been scared to like do it. But I think I'm at, I think I'm at the point now where like I actually like need to.

It will be very peaceful for you. Yeah. I think I need it. Especially yeah. Now like with just the warm water just like the joints. Yeah. I audibly exhale. Yeah, I get it. Well, people give birth in the bathtub. Yeah. That's crazy. No, that's true. It's amazing.

I know. I'm excited for summer because one of my girlfriends, she's due actually next week. But she has been swimming and she said when she is in the pool, she literally feels so much better because it's just like there's no gravity. Seriously. So I'm like itching to get in water. Seriously. I feel like that. Also it's just the quiet.

Like I'm just like, yeah, here we are. So good. Yeah, that I love, I love baths. I love reading too. Yeah.

Which I've already talked about a lot. But those are both elements of self-care. Making me want to go grab my Kindle. Seriously, just be cozy. A little thing on YouTube, like library vibes. Yep.

Uh-huh. Every morning I put jazz music on the TV. You're already there. You're ready. I'm there. I'm there. I'm ready. I'm trying to get like these little things lined up before.

have a baby so that after like the craziness season like dies down and I like we have like a routine of like you know oh yeah just like I started right off the bat you'll be in that bubble it's so I'm excited I part of me is like I'm ready for it and the other part of me is like no totally that's how I feel I'm like we're ready that makes you feel better no we are not yeah you got to be yeah there's no choice this baby's coming out of me one way or the other seriously um here last, you launched another podcast. Yes. Can you tell me about your podcast that you're doing? Yes. At the top of the year, I started a podcast with my sister-in-law. Her name is also Abby

Howard. And I feel like we just exhaust people because we just think it's so cool that we have the same name. Like, Abby Howard, which is where always here started. And it's the age, but also we always are just like always here for each other, always here like to talk, whatever you need to say. And so she's a part of it and my other sister-in-law, Adi, just to make it more confusing and also fit perfectly Abby, Abby and Adi

is, yeah, yeah. It's just the three of us too. Oh, wow. So we're all really close and it's very unique, I feel like, to be so close. And I've known her for a decade. I've known my sister-in-law Adi

for years now too. And so it's really just girl, mom, wife chat. It's great. I see the clips all the time and I love them. I don't really watch podcasts. I'm more of a clip, a podcast clip girly. But it looks like you guys are having like the best time. I actually really love what you guys talk about too.

Thank you. It's so fun. We just like everything girlhood, honestly. And we have like several segments on there. Like we share a recipe every week for like, I think a lot of us are in a stage of life where you're like new wives or new moms. and you're like, what I have, that's honestly the trial of every day. It's like, what am I going to put on the table? Yeah. And so that's just a fun segment.

We have a segment that's, wow, that's crazy. Because I try to take a big step away from like scrolling social media. And my sister-laws, especially Adi, is very good about pop culture. And so I feel like for those other moms, I feel like you don't have space for pop culture. It's like, oh, you get a little taste of what's going on in a non-gospy, non-salacious type of way. Yeah, that's great. And it's good for me. I'm like, I'm learning.

We also have a book club. We have, it's just, it's just girl fun times. And I honestly am just, I feel so proud secondhand of the community that we have fostered there. Because I'm just like, every single one of them, I literally feel like friends with. Like, in a way that is just more intimate than anything I've ever done online. So it's really cool. It's really fun. I love that.

And I'm like, how do I get to call this work? I'm just chatting with my sister-in-laws that are also like my best friends. So. It's really fun. I love that. Okay, last question I have for you is, what do you hope people take away from this episode? This episode or your story, journey, grief, loss, experience.

Yeah. I mean, I just keep thinking of the word capacity. And I very naively had said so many times before experiencing miscarriage or experiencing trials in pregnancy. I could never do that. I could never, I couldn't, I just, I simply couldn't. And that was, that was completely lies.

Like, like, I just believe that in all of us, we are so much more capable than we believe. We are so much stronger. And, um, that has been, that has just been the, the theme of all of motherhood for me, for all four of my babies that I've had. Like is, I am just so capable of showing up. and being their parent. And I'm uniquely capable as their mom. And like Matt is uniquely capable as their dad.

And we can show up every day. And we can make have failure after failure. We can, you know, keep trying again. And sometimes we still feel burnt out and we don't feel super positive about every single thing. But like it is within all of us to rise to that occasion. And, yeah. I think that's what I just hope that everyone feels.

like encouraged in some way that your circumstances are in your lap for a reason because you can do it. Yeah. And yeah, I just, I feel very grateful for everything that has happened in a way that I never thought I would have been able to feel early on. So if you're in an early point of your grief, like, and if I would have heard that, I would have been like, oh, shut up. Like, no, that's not true. I'm never going to feel that way. Like I literally, with confidence, I was like, I'm going to never feel that way. And it's like, I do.

I do. And I feel there's so much, there's so much joy ahead. And so then you're capable to get through it. I love that. Thank you. You really brought it full circle. I love it. Well, thanks for coming and chatting.

Thank you for having me. So good to see you. And love that we're both pregnant. We're going to do this again when we're both pregnant again. and call it today. I love it. I'll leave links to podcasts and all the fun. Love to have you. All the fun stuff. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.