The Squeeze - Chelsea Smith: Building a Stronger Marriage

Episode Date: February 25, 2026

In this week’s episode, Tay sits down with pastor and author Chelsea Smith! Chelsea opens up about the stigma that still exists around couples therapy and marriage counseling, and how her long-running Marriage Mondays tips on Instagram ultimately inspired her to write her book I Do Today. Together, they talk through how Tay and Taylor handle conflict in their own marriage, why striving for an enjoyable marriage matters more than chasing a perfect one, and how setting boundaries with social media can protect intimacy and connection. Chelsea also shares her perspective on teamwork in marriage, how competitiveness can quietly sneak in, and what couples can do to focus on sharing instead of comparing. They explore how partners can promote individuality, what has surprised Chelsea most about marriage, and what truly matters at the core of a strong, lasting relationship!Be sure to follow Chelsea https://instagram.com/chelseasmith/!Buy I Do Today here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310370752/ref=cm_sw_r_as_gl_api_gl_i_37Z2NDAJQ1XKAQYCWJKP?linkCode=ml1&tag=kristincrosby-20&linkId=8b365c930429610a13733797d81d6166&fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAc3J0YwZhcHBfaWQMMjU2MjgxMDQwNTU4AAGntHq4NWOCTnEq8A7xOQ9s31gEvGEwBbojyFqpi26yVtTEzWrixCtoEvNpBgM_aem_eMv0wGXketWtiVREv2rvRATo email us your questions or share your story, you can reach out to [e-mail] sure to rate, review, and follow the podcast so you don't miss an episode! Plus, follow us on all of our socials:The SqueezeInstagram: https://instagram.com/thesqueeze/TikTok: https://tiktok.com/@thesqueezepodcastTay LautnerInstagram: https://instagram.com/taylautner/TikTok: https://tiktok.com/@mrstaylautnerAmazon Storefront https://urlgeni.us/amazon/FDXj7 Taylor LautnerInstagram: https://instagram.com/taylorlautner/TikTok: https://tiktok.com/@taylorlautnerTo learn more from The Lemons Foundation, follow https://instagram.com/lemonsbytay/ and visit https://lemonsbytay.comEpisode Sponsors:Let yourself run, lift, sculpt, push, and go. Explore the new Peloton Cross Training Tread+ at onepeloton.comGet your own taste of New Zealand sunshine today by visiting https://wedderspoon.com/discount/SQUEEZE20 and use code SQUEEZE20 at checkout for 20% off your order.Get your health in check and save 20% on your first order at https://justthrivehealth.com/SQUEEZE with code SQUEEZEFor a limited time, Tempo is offering our listeners 60% off your first box. Go to tempomeals.com/squeeze.Go to brooklynbedding.com and use promo code SQUEEZE at checkout to get 30% off sitewide. This offer is not available anywhere else.Find your favorite flavor at PremierProtein.com, or at Amazon, Walmart, and other major retailers.MB014GJJJKQV82RSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The following podcast is a dear media production. If it's something that's bothering me, I need to tell him that it's bothering me. The fantasy of the mind reader has to be one of the biggest joy killers in marriage. If there's anyone I trust giving me marriage advice, it's you. The relationship that you're looking for isn't as difficult as it is. It doesn't have to be overwhelming. It's not impossible. A good relationship is not for a select group of people who somehow magically found the one perfect person who was made for them.

It's hard for a lot of people, I think, to open up about their marriage because it is something that is so personal. Perfection paralyzes enjoyment because you only have a few perfect moments in marriage and parenting. I think what we fail to recognize is that it is shaping our philosophy, our perspective on the world. This is so cheesy. But we're sowers. We're not saviors. Hey, what we can do, we will do. And we'll plant seeds and we'll do that.

But at the end of the day, we can't be anyone's savior. The little things matter the most. what are the thoughts I'm thinking? What are the words I'm saying? When we really think about it, our words and our thoughts, more than anything, dictate the atmosphere of our home, of our relationship. What is a myth about marriage? Lemon drops this episode is so good. I'm so excited. There are so many takeaways, whether you're married, dating, single. This conversation is so impactful. This week I sit down with pastor and author Chelsea Smith. Chelsea opens up about the stigma that still exists around couples therapy and marriage counseling and how her long-running Marriage Monday's tips on Instagram ultimately inspired her to write her book I Do Today.

We talked through how Taylor and I handle conflict in our marriage, why striving for an enjoyable marriage matters more than chasing a perfect one, and how setting boundaries with social media can protect intimacy and connection. Chelsea also shares her perspective on teamwork and marriage and how competitiveness can quietly sneak in and what couples can do to focus on sharing instead of comparing. This episode is so eye-opening. There's something for someone to take away no matter what stage of a relationship you are in. Chelsea has been doing this work for years and I'm so excited for you guys to hear what she has to say.

Chelsea, welcome to the squeeze. Thank you. I'm so excited. I'm so excited to be here. I'm really excited we're finally doing this because if there's anyone I trust giving me marriage advice, it's you. Thank you. And I genuinely mean that. I feel like you are just the, you are the person that when I think of like marriage advice,

obviously because you and your husband did premarital. Taylor and I, your husband married us. So when I think of marriage, I think of you guys. But you guys really are so honest with how you live your marriage and the highs and the lows of it. So there's no one I trust more. And I'm excited for our lemon drops, our listeners, to get some fun advice. Oh, I thank you so much. That means, it means so much when people who see our everyday life and see

our marriage and see the ups and downs still want to hear what we have to say. Sometimes it can be like, I've done a few of these conversations, but I don't think anybody that I know as well as you. And it's a little intimidating like, oh, shoot, I can't, I can't pull crap here. I have to actually give the truth. But thank you for saying that. It means a lot that you have seen. I mean, I love doing, by the way, doing your premarital counseling was great. But I feel like Jude and I get more out of it than we give. So you probably heard way more about our marriage than you ever wanted to. No, that's why. I know.

We say the same thing about the podcast that people come on and they're like, oh, it was so good to like open up. But I'm always like, this is free therapy like for us to talk away. Every time there's a guess that comes on, I learn something. Taylor will learn something. And it's just, I think talking about it is like the most important thing. Free therapy. Yeah. Yeah.

Therapy for a job. Yeah. For sure. Well done. Without a degree and all of the other things. Oh, you're a nurse. Okay, fair enough, fair enough. We start each episode off with this jar.

It's a little game called Citrus Got Real, if you want to pull a little piece of paper out of there. I know, they look planted because they all fall. Yeah, uh-huh. So I try to like strategically place them up there. Let's see. Okay, shoot. Now we're going to see if I can read it. I can get this.

If you can only drink one beverage other than water forever, what would it be? Okay. Oh. I mean, I had to say coffee, but what kind of coffee? Oh, mine would be this coffee shop. Well, they actually sell the beans and I have them, but they're based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. It's called Madcap, but they have a coffee shop downtown Detroit. And when we go, I always go walk there and get coffee in the morning.

It's my favorite coffee. What? In Detroit. Uh-huh. Okay. Yeah. But you can buy the beans. So if you want to try them.

Yeah. Do you make your own espresso every morning? I make a pot of coffee. I haven't ventured into the like espresso machine. yet because it just kind of scares me. It seems like a lot of levers and things that can bring. And I don't know if I'm going to be good at it or like enjoy it. And I don't want to spend the money if I'm not going to like actually use it.

So I do a pot of coffee is my thing. I'm an espresso person because it's so easy. You just, it's like in the morning before thinking. Yeah. Would that be your drink? I am 51% coffee, 49% wine. Okay. Oh yeah.

That's good too. What kind of wine do you like? Are you red? I'm red. Okay. Yeah. I mean, summer I'll do white, but mostly, I mean, a glass of red wine is like better than dessert. I think I drink, like just there was a period of time where I drank only red wine. And I feel like I'm slowly making the swing back into red wine because then I switched to just whites.

Ooh, yeah. And because I just, I just felt like I had too much red. And I was like, too, it was just too, like heavy and I was over it. So I was like, your teeth were starting to turn. I was like, I need a light, like, Sav Blanc is my go-to wine right now. But I think I just, I'm slowly- Have you gotten into, like, the natural orange wines? I still haven't tried it.

No, I haven't tried it. No, my girlfriends love it. But I don't, I haven't. I have some at the store, but I don't know if it's, like, a good one. I have friends who've gotten me into it. And I have, I, this summer was my first, like, orange wines instead of white wines for the summer. Yeah. I enjoyed it.

And I felt, I felt better about myself. I have no idea. if it actually helped or not, but it felt good. It's like lighter, fresher. Yeah, that's good. It's good. Okay, well, let's get into, we're going to be talking all about marriage, all of the tips and the tricks, and just some great advice that I think you share with us in your new book and things that we can bring into marriage and relationships. And I feel like there's definitely kind of a stigma around like doing couples therapy or trying to put in the work to make your marriage better or work on your marriage. Can you speak to that a little bit? Yeah. Actually, I so want to ask you what you think brings about that stigma.

Because I think we have this fantasy that we're going to fall in love with this perfect person. We're going to find the one. We're going to find our person. And then we ride off in the sunset together and all of it just works beautifully and wonderfully and magically. And while there is magic to a marriage that I think can be unlike any other relationship. I don't think it comes without work, without putting an effort, without, I would say for me, marriage is the most fulfilling, most difficult, hardest thing I've done in my life. And it's like anything else, which is probably bad to say. But if you don't put in the work, you're not going to get out of it, what you actually want to get out of it.

But I feel like the stigma comes from, we think that if we have to work at it, something's wrong, that it just should come naturally. It should just be easy and wonderful. Do you think that's where the stigma comes from? Yeah. I mean, yeah, I think it maybe even just ties back to kind of the stigma that is around just therapy in general. Like if something, like you're only going if something's wrong.

And it means something's wrong. It means something's not working right if you are going. But I definitely feel like it's the opposite. And, you know, with Taylor and I like doing premarital counseling, I feel like that I would recommend even couples that are like dating and that's in their future to do that. Because I feel like it really sets you up for success. Being asked those questions, like being asked questions that we wouldn't think to ask ourselves or being given advice on things that might come up later on. And our marriage and how we each would handle it.

Because I think Taylor and I, we definitely like went through a lot of life together. But I think when you're married, there's definitely things where when it comes to maybe like how we were raised. Like I was raised a certain way. So maybe I view something this way and he views it this way. But we wouldn't know it until we're married. Yes. And you don't know what you think normal is. And you think this is normal and he thinks this is normal.

And you have no idea that your definitions of normal are very opposite. And one isn't right or one isn't wrong. But they can create significant conflict. That's so true. I feel like too. There's so many scenes in movies where a couple will be in their last straw of a relationship. And then it's finally like, oh, okay, let's try marriage counseling. And it's always the last ditch effort to a marriage that, a relationship that just has no other hope.

And I do think that has created such a stereotype that isn't accurate. Yeah, it's so true. I feel like I'm in a season right now where I'm having, I feel like Taylor and I have been going through a lot of growth individually and together. and I've been saying that like it's my favorite form of intimacy is growing with him because like when when I feel like as a couple when you when something is hard and you work at it together and you're both able to make the other feel like heard and seen like after Taylor and I have an argument which you know is not often but of course we work together we live together it's bound to happen and he like fully hears me I'm like oh my gosh I'm like in love with you again like it just It's like it does something that is just so, like, cool. I think that is the magic of marriage more than anything else. Yeah. Is when you are your worst self and your ugliest self, you know, the inside and out.

And we all have things about us that we wish weren't there, that we wish weren't seen, or that we wish we could change. But we're human and none of us are perfect. And I feel like the same thing. When Judas sees the ugly of me, when he sees the worst part of me, and then he still loves me. and likes me anyway. Yeah. I just think there's nothing greater literally on this planet than having that type of intimacy. And sometimes it only comes out through a fight.

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go to your advice or your reisadvise or this book come from because I know

you do marriage Mondays on social media I can always look forward to seeing those on Mondays

did that kind of like spark the idea for you yeah it was marriage Monday

started probably eight years ago now quite a few years ago when some of our

closest friends who we loved and they're both just really incredible people decided to walk away from their marriage and get divorced. And it was so devastating for us to see these two incredible people just, and there was nothing major that happened. There was no cheating. There was no infidelity. It was just the hard things of marriage. And at that point, I realized, okay, I think I know something about marriage. And I don't have any degree. My degrees in human development in my undergrad. But I realized

Judah and I were given a gift that both of our parents were married for our whole lifetime. Judah's dad has since passed away. My parents just celebrated like 56 years of marriage, which is wild. Oh, wow. So I realized we got to see a healthy marriage, and not perfect because no marriage is perfect, but an everyday marriage. And when our friends got divorced and I realized, oh, I think what happened because it wasn't anything big. It was just missing out on the everyday tips and tricks of marriage, so to speak.

And I thought, oh, I can do this for a year. So I was literally just going to do it for a year of Marriage Monday of, hey, just one thought to work on this week for your marriage and how that could be better of this week. And so that's what started Marriage Monday and turned into a book. Because I really, I just, I couldn't believe how much people were really grateful for the help. And just for the everyday help of how do I make my relationship? it better this week. How can I make it better today? For sure. And I feel like in the world of social media especially, we're not talking about, you know, the hard things of marriage. It's just like, here's my cute husband and my kids and my family. And it's all like the Instagram perfectness.

But no one's really, it's hard for a lot of people, I think, to open up about their marriage because it is something that is so personal. Did that make it intimidating for you to choose to get married having seen that. I mean, your parents are awesome. You and I joke like your mom's so beautiful. They're awesome. But so obviously you've seen an incredible marriage. But seeing that social media Instagram version, did that make marriage feel intimidating to you or hard to choose? That's a good question. I don't think for me, I mean, I always wanted to be married. Like I just always wanted to be a wife. So I don't think it was something that was hard. but also Taylor and I had been together for,

I think we got engaged at four years and married at five. So we'd been together for quite some time. And so I think I got to a point where I was like ready to be married. I was like, okay, I'm done waiting now. But so, yeah, but I definitely feel like my girlfriends could relate to that too or just not feeling like they could find someone. Like you see this perfect, like perfect life marriage on Instagram. and then you start dating somebody and it's work and you get in a fight and he has flaws and you have flaws and then thinking oh crap this is the wrong person and then you try again but then you're a little let I don't know I'm yeah no that's it's it's very true like just comparing what your life looks like to someone's on social media that doesn't look what how we're perceiving that person's life ours may not look like that that's definitely a struggle for sure are you an internal processor or an external processor or an external process

internal. Yeah. I think it has to do a lot with being an only child. I think to some degree because I just everything is all in my head. I didn't have anyone to talk to growing up. So I think a lot of it and I thrive with a long time. Like Taylor could be sitting with me 24 seven all day every day. And I like will need like I need like just even if we're in the, like I need to be in a different room than him for like a little bit of time or all need to like just to like just to process. It's a weird. I am also an internal processor. Yeah. Judah is very much an external. Yeah, very much not. Okay.

And one of my tricks that I have learned along the way is at times just taking a bathroom break, mostly in professional environments where we're in like a work discussion thing. And I just, I know I have a thought, but I just can't quite get it out. I go into the bathroom and just take that minute. And it just, I just need that clarity and that moment by myself. Yeah. for the thought to materialize, which is so bizarre, because obviously it was all there before. But it's just that moment of the thought coming together that I just need to be by myself for

and not hearing other voices. Yeah. Love, that's so good. Do you and Taylor, sorry, now I'm like trying to give you marriage advice. That is why you're here. Stop. Are you guys, like I have noticed, because Jude and I have a very similar dynamic, that we do a, we have done a weekly date night forever.

And then as our kids got older, we basketball, kids sports and whatever, it stopped for a season. And then about probably nine months ago, we went back to our weekly date night, not in the middle of the day. Not just thinking, okay, we can get away here, there. And I was shocked at how much comes out of me, even before the glass of wine. Definitely more after. But in that space, because I know that's what this space is for. and it's been really surprising how much that does. Yeah, we were actually just talking about doing that more.

Well, we actually talked about doing, like, in this new year too. Yeah. Doing this, doing your book and doing it, working on it once a week. Because we, I am just the, I will do all the books and do all the things and the tricks because I love growth and working on things. And Taylor's definitely the one that's like a little more hesitant to do it. But what I love about the book is, It's so digestible.

Like when I realized it was like covers an entire year. Yeah. And but it's a small book. And I was like, oh, this is actually really approachable. That makes me, that's actually the best compliment anybody can give me about the book. Oh, good. Thank you. Yeah.

I love it. It's literally just like two pages of a little something you read and there's the think about it, talk about it and do something about it, which I think is really cool. And easy for couples to, if one of them is. the relationship isn't wanting to do it. It's something that's like, hey, it's just a page. Yep. It's literally you can sit down and read it together in seven minutes and then put it easy.

It's easy. It's easy to work towards. Yep. Okay, let's dive into some things about this book because I know our listeners are definitely going to want to hear your advice on this. I definitely think something that you talk about is focusing on that marriage should be an enjoyable one rather than a perfect one. how can we kind of shift our focus to making it more of an enjoyable marriage?

Oh, I love that question. I think taking off, even what I talked about just with my kids, if I was so focused on perfection, perfection paralyzes enjoyment because you only have a few perfect moments in life, in marriage, in parenting, in your skin, in your body, whatever it is. You have perfect moments in your skin all the time, so don't say yes to that. You know, it's true. But if we're so focused on perfection, we will miss like the laughter that comes out of when things go totally wrong. And that are moments that it can be so enjoyable. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. In the book, you highlight the role of digital conveniences that they can

play in relationships. We kind of talked on this earlier. But why, and I feel like this is actually something that maybe we don't think go hand in hand. But why do you think setting healthy boundaries with social media is important for couples? Oh, man, that's such a great question. I think we, there is this perception of social media that this is me. Yeah. And it's not an us. And it's, this is what I do and the content that I ingest and the people that I talk to. And it's just me and my device. Yeah. This doesn't affect you. This doesn't affect us. This is my thing. Yeah. But I think what we fail to recognize is that it is shaping our philosophy, our perspective on the world. I know for me, a big thing with social media is a lack of contentment.

That I can think I'm wonderful and amazing and have a great life until I spend too much time scrolling and see all these people with gorgeous skin. You know, whatever it is the thing where all of a sudden I feel like I'm falling short at or I thought our vacation was great and then I saw all these pictures and now whatever it is. And I could think I'm just carrying that by myself. But the reality is I take that into our marriage. And all of a sudden, if I'm feeling like our life isn't great, or I'm feeling like I'm not good enough, or I'm seeing all these other husbands do house projects, and my mind is not.

You know, all of a sudden this comparison and this lack of contentment comes in, and it doesn't just come into me. It comes into our marriage. It comes into our relationships. It comes into the way I talk to my. husband, it comes into the way I'm striving for life or not carrying a peace in life. And that affects both of us. And so there can be things that can be blind spots for us and our relationship,

our social media, that we can't see. And so I think that's a very helpful thing. But then to recognize that it does affect our emotional state, which does affect our marriage and our relationship. And then I think the other big thing is what is our relationship with other people online. Yeah. The old jokes about people slipping into DMs. a reason it's a stereotype and what is our what is our standard what's yeah how much is juda comfortable with my dms with other guys how much am i with with girls and likewise so i just think being on the same page there's no necessary right or wrong yeah but there is a necessary hey we're in this together and that we see that we're on a team and my relationship with my digital device is

not mine it is ours does that make me sound old what do you know no no i think no i think no I think that's definitely true because you can you can definitely, I mean, I think like what you said with, you know, Jude and not being handy. Taylor is the same. He did not grow up learning how to, he just is not a handy man, which he has said before and I'm not calling him out. But I could, you know, I could watch videos and be like, oh, Taylor doesn't like do this around the house. And then that is forming an opinion in my head. And then even though I may not be saying anything, I'm probably starting to resent him in a way when something happens. And I'm the one that. needs to be restarting the Wi-Fi router or whatever it is. Yeah. And you married him knowing that that's... Absolutely. Who he was going to be. I learned that very quickly.

Very quickly after four years of being together. You knew what you were getting into. And suddenly it's not an issue because I've gone down a rabbit hole and followed someone. Yeah. Our friends who, you know, they are the husband who is such a good cleaner. Uh-huh. If I watched their social media too much, I'm like, ugh. Yes.

Oh, yeah. But I also think, too, on the note of social media, I feel. find that sometimes that Taylor and I will both, there's a lot of nights where we'll both be scrolling and like an hour has gone by and we haven't spoke to each other. But our nighttime is our time together to watch a show and to talk and to catch up on the day when that's just kind of robbing us of that intentional time together and like, yeah, we're sitting on the couch together. Yeah, but are we actually connecting? Yeah. There's no form of communication at all between the two of us. Which is another thing I really like about that book is about that book, the one I wrote

is giving people time and conversation and intentionality too. Okay. There's a lot of things that will take up our time. And it's just the way that the world we live in, but being intentional with, hey, here's three connection points during a week, really, if you read it together, you do the think about it,

you do the talk about it and to do something about it. Yeah. Like, I think with technology and everything, I think everyone feels, can feel overwhelmed a lot more than normal because we have so many little, little like, hey, how are you? Like, you can so easily text and, like, comment and message and connect to people,

which used to not be a thing before we had social media and cell phones. We were laughing with some friends about they're from the South, how our friend grew up with people knocking at their house. I'm like, hey, are you, are you home? Would you like a hang? Yeah. We're like, that's still, he's from West Virginia. He's saying that still happens in his neighborhood.

That doesn't happen anymore. But yet, you're right, you get all these little tidbits, but not. Yeah. Is it meaningful? Do you feel connected to people when you do that? Yes and no. I think there's, yeah, yes and no. I think sometimes I get overwhelmed, especially because I, because of the platform and because

I know that I am sometimes the only line for people to, which I'm sure is something you feel. I'm sometimes the only line for people to open up about their mental health. or to find a therapist or to whatever that is. And I feel like sometimes if I'm not always available, then I don't want a friend of mine to like miss out on that, which I'm sure is, you know, something that you feel too. You carry that weight of responsibility. Yeah.

Yeah, we've had to just decide, you know what? We are, look at this is so cheesy, but we're sowers. We're not saviors. Yeah. That, hey, what we can do, we will do and we'll plant seeds and we'll do that. But at the end of the day, we can't be anyone's savior because, We're just not for that, you know, which is obviously more like spiritual language. Yeah.

No, but it's not that's true. People have a crisis. Yeah. And they reach out to you. Yeah. That's a big responsibility. Yeah. And I love it.

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This is something that I actually feel like I have had a few friends deal with in their relationships. But marriage is definitely something that's teamwork. And competitiveness can definitely sneak in, especially if maybe one person has been the more quote unquote successful. one in the career and then the other partners now is the more successful one or now is bringing it more money or whatever it may be. What advice would you give couples that are struggling rather than like sharing that moment of excitement with each other? Yeah. I think that's such a great question. And I know you and Taylor walk walk it out and you hand you both handled it so

graciously. It's fun fun watching you guys navigate that with love and care for each other. This is such a cheesy. It's a simple answer, but not. an easy answer. It's simple and concept, hard to walk out on a daily basis. And that is really reminding ourselves that we are a we and that your win is my win and my win is your win and my loss is your loss and your loss is mine. And taking all of those together, I think so often it's more natural for us. And maybe this is just as women, but to take on our partner's losses, but to not take on their wins. And when something's going wrong, we take it, we feel. We feel it. We feel the heartache of it and the brokenness of it. But then when something's going

right and they're successful, it can tend to make us feel, is this going to make me feel small? Is this going to make me feel insignificant? Is this going to lessen my whatever? And we don't take that win with the same joy in celebration. For me, it was such a moment when, yeah, a long time ago. I'm so bad at the timeline, 10, 15 years ago in marriage. Judah started getting to know more well-known people. Yeah. And they would start to call him and reach out to him. And all of a sudden, for me, this huge insecurity came out of, wait, if all these people

who are big, big deals, wonderful people, if they're reaching out for Judah, is he not, is he not going to have time for me? Am I going to be less significant? Is my role going to be less? And all of these insecurities coming out instead. And here I am, and he's in this great, like, when, this great, this great, meaningful moment and I'm thinking about myself in it. Yeah.

But I just felt all those things. And this thing had been brewing in me for a while of feeling insecure. I've been brewing in me for a while. So, of course, this resulted in a huge fight. And poor Judah, he knows I can tell the story. I'm not throwing him under the bus. He's just doing his best in the moment. Yeah.

And he, it was wild. He never would have thought that I felt that way. Yeah. Because it was the furthest thing from his mind. He's like, you're my, you're my, you're my writer. that you're my, there's no chance that any person would ever make you feel less. But until I voiced that and had that conversation with him, it wasn't, it wasn't out there. Yeah. I think this is something that you guys told us was like, I can't expect Taylor to read my mind. Like I have to

voice things. But even, even just down to like, you know, putting the dish away, like, I have found myself sometimes I was like wanting to like leave he'll like drop a dirty clothing item like on the ground or something and I'm like I'm going to leave it there until I picks it up and then every time I walk by the sock I'm just building resentment and I'm like why am I like I either need to just pick up the damn sock and put it in the thing whatever or if it's something that's bothering me I need to tell him yeah that it's bothering me yeah put your sock away I'm not going to for you yeah and I was like I can't like I can't be doing these things and expect Taylor to read my mind with it because he's odds are he's not thinking about that and

And odds are he's probably thinking that I should be reading his mind about something that I'm not. And then we're both just getting mad at each other for not reading each other's minds. Even though we can't. And we're just smiling. The fantasy of the mind reader has to be one of the biggest joy killers in marriage. If he really loved me, he would know what I'm thinking or you would know what I need. That was something that was really helpful. And even though sometimes I'll just like throw up myself and do it.

Not really anymore. I don't do it anymore. But definitely when we were first married, I was like, okay, let me like see. but I knew that. I guess I used to do that before, honestly, before we did premarital, I would think that because we were together for quite some time before we got engaged and married. But that was really good to know going into our marriage was, no, he actually can't read my mind. And odds are what's on my mind is not even on his radar at all.

And he loves you with all. He chose you. You are his person. Yeah. But he still can't read your mind. It is not a lack of love or desire. It's just being human. Yeah, we have two different brains and they're not on the same wavelength.

We talked about being a team, but also how, what would your advice be for couples kind of like managing their individuality, but also being one? Yeah, such a great question. I know for years in our marriage, I tried too hard to be like Judah. I think he's the best human being in the world. I mean, he's just, he's amazing. He's thoughtful. He's considerate. He lights up a room.

And I thought, I have to be this way. This is the standard for living in. I just completely trashed my body and my thyroid doing that, to be honest. And for me, what really helped me in that moment was recognizing, you know, if God would have made me, if God wanted me to be like Judah, he would have made me like Judah. Instead, he made me like me. And I am an introvert. I am an internal processor. I'm a little bit more thoughtful before I speak or just the things that are different than Judah. that are also unique to me. And really, for me, that perspective of, no, God made me this way because he wants me to be this way. If you wanted me to be that way, I would have been that way. And for me, that was like 15 years in the marriage light bulb that unfortunately took me way too long to figure out. But once I leaned into that, it was wild how much more I enjoyed myself. And then other people enjoyed me too. It's like nobody, there's, there's no pattern that anybody expects people to be like. But if you're enjoying yourself, I feel like other people will enjoy you, no? Yeah, for sure.

I'm curious, what has surprised you most about your marriage as you guys have grown together? Because it's been 26 years. 26 years. So cool. What surprised me the most? I think how grateful I am for my friendship with Judah that has sustained all of the seasons. Yeah. That sex is great. Laughter is amazing. Raising parents, raising kids together is a journey, working together. There's so many different facets of a marriage.

Yeah. And you're running a household together or for us running a business organization together. But I think it is how much at the end of the day my friendship with Judah is really, the core of all of it and how much I still love to laugh with him. And we have a silly little card game that we like to play together. And how much that actually does matter. Yeah, I love that. How about you? You guys are four. We're, what are we married three? I mean, we've been together for eight. Yeah. So, I mean, we have been together a while, but not married for three. What surprised you the most? Um, yeah, that's a good question. Right. I love it throwing it back at you.

I think I think that in a way that as it's gotten harder, it's also gotten easier. Like I feel like I feel really lucky that I have a partner that when we're in an argument or a disagreement, whatever it is, he genuinely like wants me to feel heard and seen and wants to know how I'm feeling in the situation. Yeah. And I think that's really important because when we fight, a lot of couples, I know, just like go for the jugular and say things that they don't mean and they know are going to just hurt their partner. Yeah. Yeah. And I feel so lucky that that isn't the type of arguing that we have. And that's something that I think we're both intentional about when we approach it is we really just love each other and we don't want the other person to hurt.

So when things get tough and, you know, me working through my communication, like Taylor knows that. I'm working through it and we can giggle about it and I can joke like, oh, I'm going to need like three to five business days. Like being able to laugh through the hard times, I think is something that obviously as we've been together and now business and kids someday, like there's going to be more arguments that come about because there's more life decisions that need to be made and things that we've never thought about before, but are just how our brains work are going to come up and they're going to be different. And I think that it's cool that as we, We grow. Like I said, when we fight and there's resolve and we come together and we're closer

after. Like, yeah. It's so fun. So now I know when there's a disagreement, I know that we're going to get to the other side of it. And that's such a beautiful place because then you're not afraid of the disagreement. Yeah. And you'll actually work through it and then work past it and be closer as a result of it as opposed to being so afraid of a disagreement because it's going to blow up and you're going to say hurtful things. So then you never have the disagreement that you should have. Yeah. And then it's you're being wrong. robbed of intimacy. That's so wise. I would agree with that. I don't think we fight any less 26 years in than we did. And our first year, maybe, we're just like just trying to figure out

life. Yeah. But we just fight fair. Yeah. And we fight knowing, okay, here's the boundaries. We have like literal rules of here's things we don't say. Here's things that we do say that are helpful instead of just being hurt and saying hurtful things. Yeah. And learning how to fight fair has been one of the biggest tools of marriage. I think that's where like the friendship comes in too, because Taylor and I are best friends. And obviously, as husband and wife, I don't want my husband to feel her. He doesn't want his wife to feel her. But also, like, he's my friend. Like, he's, like, my favorite person hang out with. And I don't want my favorite person hanging out with, like, to be upset or to hurt them. So I think that just adds another level of, like, not only am I

married to you, but like, I actually enjoy your company. And like, I enjoy being your friend. Yeah. And I think that's. And I, and I, and I, don't want to ruin a weekend because I had a bad attitude. It said something stupid. So let me just handle it a mature way instead of an immature way. I am curious to know in your experience, what tends to matter more to you than anything else in a strong marriage? I think one of the premise of the books is that actually the little things matter the most. And so often we think, a marriage is made or broken on the big things, choosing the right person or getting the right therapist or, you know, all the things. Whereas I found it's actually the little things that

make or break the moment. What are the thoughts I'm thinking about Judah? What are the words I'm saying to him? Words and thoughts can seem so little and so cheap and so inexpensive. but when we really think about it, our words and our thoughts, more than anything, dictate the atmosphere of our home, of our relationship, of our connection. If I'm thinking resentful thoughts, if I'm thinking belittling thoughts, if I'm thinking belittling thoughts about me, it just shifts the atmosphere in such a powerful way that it becomes such a big thing. Yeah. Wow, that's good. What is one small shift that you think makes a lot of? a big difference in a relationship.

I think the smallest shift is recognizing this is the person who I loved and I chose, and I am the person that he loved and chose. And we stood up there on that day and said vows to each other, knowing 90% of who the person was, knowing their strengths and weaknesses. And having the shift of remembering, I loved this person. I chose them for them. Why would I try to now change them and try to. No, we both want to grow.

No, sure. And we want to grow as humans. But why would I try to change him into so often as being more like me? Yeah. Like, have you found that? I'm in finances. I'm more of a saver. And I want to make him to be more of a saver like me because I actually think my way is right.

But I loved that generosity in him when we were dating. And so why would I try to change him? Yeah. Oh, that's good. Yeah, like, yeah. Are you ever tempted? Please tell me, it's not just me to try to, like, to try to change that man. No, for sure.

No, I definitely think, I think that that is definitely the case. There's definitely qualities or thing. I am like a busy bee and I need to be doing something all the time. That is not Taylor at all. And I think that's because, like, how he's been, like, the career he's in when he's working, he's like, 100, 20, 120% in. And then when he's off, he's off. but I'm always on.

Like I've just always, my brain is always going. I think that's part of what he fell in love with about you. Like the fact that you're a nurse and you're at a career and you're serving people and you're working. Yeah. No, for sure. And I definitely, sometimes I'm like, well,

why don't you just like do something? But then he's probably looking at me and like, well, why don't you just chill? Like, so that's why I think it's cool that he is the way he is and has those boundaries and I am the way I am and my work ethic. And we're able to be like, you know,

he's able to be like, hon, Let's close the laptop. You're done with this. Like, you've worked how many days this week? Like, let's take this time. And I'm able to be like, hey, let's go, let's go do this. Like, we really need to get out of the house or we should go do this.

So I think it's. And appreciating those differences in each other and using them to make yourselves and each other better as opposed to an area of contention. And going back to the thoughts, I think our thoughts dictate so much of our perception. Yeah. Of whether we're seeing them as a good thing or just annoyed. Yeah. What is a myth about marriage that you think people need to just let go?

And I think we already embraced it. But if I marry the right person, my marriage will be easy and perfect. Yeah. And that when it's not easy and it's not perfect, we think the problem is the person. Yeah. And so often it's just life. Yeah. And the end of the day, marriage is always two imperfect people coming together.

and trying to build this life together. It's wild. Yeah. It's a really wild thing that we do. Taylor and I are always like, it's crazy that like one of us, I feel like once a month is always like, whoa, like we're going to be together for like a really long time. Like the fact that we're like, we're only like, you know, we're 29 and 30. How old is Taylor?

Or early 30s. Yeah. Like the fact that we're like here and. we have so much more like life to live like it's so crazy and it's like so exciting but it's it's a wild concept like it's a wild because june and i just hit 26 years and then i look at my parents who are 56 years and i think we're not even halfway yeah to where my parents are and so far 26 years of marriage feels like my greatest life accomplishment yeah to think that there's still there's still more of it it's a it's so cool and that creates an insecurity and a security the

same time, do you think, that perspective? It makes it, for me, it makes me excited and want to, I mean, like I said, I'm just the, I want to put in the work and I want to, like, grow and I want to, I think I just want to, like, fully, I want to know, I won't ever know 100% who Taylor is, but I want to know as much as I can the way he works, the way he thinks, what makes him happy, what makes him, which I feel like I know a decent amount of, but there's, I mean, we're always going to have an argument of some type. And it's exciting for me to learn those. aspects of Taylor Moore. And it's so fun to be 26 years in and to know something about,

uncover something about Judah that I haven't learned before or realize something, like those penny drop moments of realizing, oh, that's why you do what you do. And it's so fun and fulfilling and likewise for him to know and understand me more. Yeah. It's fun. I know. I love it. Um, if someone only takes away one thing from us talking today from your book, which we're going to leave a link below. You guys need to go. Order yours. What would you want that to be? I would love for it to be hope. I think so often whether it's a single person trying to find a relationship and it feels impossible or somebody in a relationship that feels dull or in a relationship that feels like it's gone further and you've said those hurtful things, that I really do believe

that the relationship that you're looking for isn't as difficult as it is. as we can be led to believe that it is. I do think it's just putting in a little bit of effort every day and you can put in that effort today. And then tomorrow you can put in that effort today. And then the day after that, and it doesn't have to be overwhelming. It's not impossible.

A good relationship is not for a select group of people who somehow magically found the one perfect person who was made for them. I really, really do believe that a magical marriage can be available to everybody. Yeah, that's so true. What advice would you give someone that maybe one person in the relationship is wanting to work on their marriage, but the other person is not open to it? That is such a brilliant question.

And I think that's when you, the worst thing you can do is to nag and to just be, well, we need to do this and we need to do this. And I think that's where you just work on yourself. and do the work yourself and realize every marriage is two people. And even if all you can do is make yourself better, that's going to make your marriage better. And you're going to end up with a new perspective and a new love. And it will bleed over and it will become contagious for 90% of the people. When your partner sees you getting better and more confident and more secure and more loving and more forgiving and more self-aware, they're going to want to do that. 90% of the people will.

Yeah. No, I completely, I completely agree with that because I feel like I would say that if Taylor's, you know, thriving in something that I want, not even, you know, something that is like a tangible thing. Yeah, he's starting to eat healthier or starting an exercise. Oh, that's, I definitely want to do that. I could do that. There's a way to motivate in a way that I want to get to a healthy version of myself and this

is something that I want for my partner to. And they definitely will see that. whether you're fight about it or not. Yeah, like for Judah with therapy, I started therapy maybe five years ago. And it was so amazing for me. And it took him like a year before he's kind of like, oh, no, Chelsea, glad you're doing that, glad it's your thing. And then when he started to see changes in me and in my habits and in my communication, he asked for a recommendation.

And I only had to nag about it a few times. Only a couple times. That's so good. Well, thanks for sitting down, Jels. I think this is going to be really helpful and remind people that, marriages aren't perfect and not to lose hope with it. Because I think whether you're a couple years in, 10, 15, 20, however many years in, you can kind of feel like I've lost hope with it, but there's never, that hope isn't lost.

Yeah. Oh, can I say one other thing about hope not being lost? Yeah. Thank you for bringing up like the 15 or 20 years because sometimes that can feel so much harder to change because it feels like you're just in habits and you're just in grooves and ways of doing things. And that is where I think this book, because it is over a year process, those habits will change. Yeah.

But they're not going to change overnight. And there is something about that little bit every day that really can bring new habits. I'm excited. I'm excited to do the book. And I know Taylor's not like the most excited, but he's excited because I'm excited. Yeah. Because it's your book. Yeah.

So I love you guys. Thank you so much for being who you are. And doing what you do for the world, you really do bring so much hope in life. and vocabulary to helping people that be better mentally healthy. So thank you. So sweet. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements

and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.