The Squeeze - Drew Robinson: A Second Chance

Episode Date: October 30, 2024

TW: Suicidal Ideation, Suicide, and Gun ViolenceIn this week’s powerful episode, suicide survivor, mental health advocate, and former professional baseball player Drew Robinson shares his deeply personal journey through mental health struggles. Drew opens up about his childhood and reflects on his love and passion for baseball, candidly addressing how both his upbringing and the pressures of his career contributed to his mental health challenges, including warning signs he didn’t recognize at the time. He bravely recounts his battles with suicidal ideation, the day he attempted to take his life, the thoughts that ran through his mind when the attempt didn’t succeed, and how his family found out. Now on a path of healing, Drew reflects on the role he feels he must live up to, his ongoing efforts to stay accountable, and why he believes he survived—to help others facing similar struggles. He also offers heartfelt advice for anyone grappling with their own mental health challenges.Be sure to follow Drew on Instagram https://instagram.com/drewrobbb/If you or a loved one are struggling, here are a few helpful resources:Text “HELLO” to 741741 https://crisistextline.org/Call or text 988 https://988lifeline.org/https://helpingsurvivors.org/resources/To email us your questions or share your story, you can reach out to [e-mail] sure to rate, review, and follow the podcast so you don't miss an episode! Plus, follow us on Instagram:The Squeeze: https://instagram.com/thesqueeze/Tay Lautner: https://instagram.com/taylautner/Taylor Lautner: https://instagram.com/taylorlautner/& TikTok: https://tiktok.com/@thesqueezepodcastTo learn more from The Lemons Foundation, follow https://instagram.com/lemonsbytay/ and visit lemonsbytay.comEpisode Sponsors:No more shady buisness. Ritual's Essential for Women 18+ is a multivitamin you can actually trust. Get 25% off your first month at ritual.com/THESQUEEZE. Start Ritual or add Essential for Women 18+ to your subscription today.Put your water to work with Gatorade Hydration Booster. You can use code BOOST20 on Gatorade.com to try it yourself for 20% off.Get JackBlack.com/SQUEEZE and use code SQUEEZE for 10% off your order.Introducing Pilot Pen’s new G2 Boost Collection from the #1 Selling Gel Ink Brand. Harness the power of color science when you write with the colors of Optimism, Creativity, Productivity, or Balance. Shop on Amazon today!Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Auto-hue with Sunny Cars feels as if the children Not me be seen. Kiselstramble. Zand-Worda. Actis-verkeer. Verdweint. Vacanty can chaotic

but who zorgalos an auto-hurt, says, Oneo, no stress. No, no-verwachted costs. Always full-ledged. So, would auto-huees-on-sor-sonder-zor

Go to your re-sadviseur or sunikars. The following podcast is a dear media production. Exactly what happened. I tried to get suicide last night, you know, from my right eye, and I have a hole in my head. I just stopped myself in the head.

Metro Police? Got blood on the floor? I did it. I heard it. You pulled the trigger. I just kind of reached up and felt the blood and realized, okay, so it did happen. I was just expecting everything that I've seen in movies of it being done. Giants prospect Drew Robinson tried to end his life.

He survived a gunshot wound to the head. Body cam footage. blood everywhere. The amount of time after it happened and you called 911. None of this makes sense. That's why it's so special. You are clearly meant to be here today. What made you not think about just picking the gun back up?

Finish what you had started. I did almost four hours. I just, the gun in one hand and my phone dialed 911 one and the other before making the best decision of my life. Why do you think you survived? When life gives you lemons, what do you do with them? Over here at the squeeze, we talk about it. Drew, Ellie, welcome to the squeeze. Thank you. Thanks for having us.

I have to say, I'm a little bit more excited about her. No offense. But this is just, this is the first, besides our dogs, this is really the first. Besides our dogs, yeah. This would be the first guest dog. Yes. So if you're watching this on YouTube, you chose the right route. It's a real treat today. To listen, watch to this episode. But before we get started, I just want to give a little trigger warning to everyone listening and watching to this episode. It's definitely going to be a little bit more of a heavy graphic episode.

So just be prepared going into it. And if you need any additional resources after listening to this episode, we will leave links down below in the description. As always, our lemonsbytea.com. We have all of our resources there for you guys to check out as well. Woo. Drew, we're so honored to, have you. Did you originally tell me about Drew's story? And we were like, holy crap,

like that it would just be such an honor to be able to have you here and have this conversation with you. You're, you know, obviously a walking miracle. And the work you do in the mental health space is just truly unbelievable. So first of all, thank you. Thank you. For those that don't know Drew's story on April 16, 2020. He attempted to take his life and he failed, and we will get into that later. But I kind of just wanted to start with young Drew. Like what life looked like growing up? Do you have siblings? What did young Drew life look like? Yeah, very stereotypical 90s lifestyle. I was the youngest of three siblings. And my brother and I were just obsessed with playing sports. And back then, when we played outside, we weren't playing sports. That's what we

basically just lived outside. And really just grew up following my brother's footsteps. He was four and a half years older than me. And he was a very gifted athlete. And I just kind of wanted to be just like him, the typical younger brother. Other than that, grew up in a household that was a little bit, I guess you can say chaotic at times with parents not necessarily being right for each other, but we all, although we weren't the most aware of our emotions and responded in certain ways, we all still really care about each other. Just there was a little bit of dysfunction that happened. But again, I was just very active, very goofy, like to keep things light and just have as much

fun as I possibly could. Yeah. When did you start playing baseball? You know, I get asked this decent enough to like, where I should know this firm answer, but I don't know. Somewhere. I don't, yeah, I don't exactly know somewhere within four or five or six age range, which is standard like T-ball days. So started the typical T-ball route and then just kind of never stop. When did you or somebody else realize, okay, you're actually like better than better than you should be at a certain age?

Yeah, it wasn't until my junior year of high school. Really? Halfway through my junior year, I was a very late bloomer physically. And so that's kind of the other, like, interesting part about the dynamic to my brother and I, because he was the opposite. For his whole life, he was always head and shoulders, bigger, faster, stronger than his age range. And I was always a little bit behind the eight ball in my age range.

And so my first two years of high school, I didn't even really playing the team just because I wasn't physically ready. I wasn't good enough yet while my brother, the four years prior, was like a national prodigy. And so, you have a funny story with my high school coach when I showed up after my brother I graduated. They have the funny realization like, maybe this is a different Robinson family because I came in so much smaller and whatnot. But luckily it hit my growth spurt and kind of broke out my junior year of high school. And then within a calendar year, I was getting drafted. So it all happened very fast.

Geez. Well, you mentioned your parents. Did they separate when you were a kid at some point? Yeah. So my parents, they officially divorced when I was nine. But really all I remember is them not really being present to each other. You noticed that at even that age. So there was a couple times where there was like some separation, like some temporary separation. But yeah, I really, all I remember is them just trying to make things work for our family. but even as a young kid, it was pretty obvious that they weren't necessarily right for each other. And that's where a lot of like the root, like inconvenience, burden, some kind of feelings come in because being a young kid, I was like, man, if I wasn't here, maybe they would have the energy to work on a relationship and or go different routes and find someone that suits them better. Yeah.

And so that's where that first, like, me being an inconvenience in all situations, unfortunate habit really started to set in. Wow. Did either of your siblings, because it's, is it three? of you? Yeah. Did either of them feel that same way, or do you think that was just you? I wouldn't say, as far as I know, not as extreme as I've taken it, but we all have our own kind of emotional baggage from that dynamic. So my sister being the oldest, like she kind of took on that third parent role and a lot of the focus going on my brother. And then to me, she kind of felt a little bit isolated at times or outcast it at times while needing to kind of help take care

of things, which is a very unpleasant experience for such a young teenager and whatnot. And so, and then my brother, yeah, we all have our own kind of like perspective on how it kind of weighed on us. But cool thing is that we're all kind of willing to work on it now. Yeah, for sure. I love that. So when you were growing up, obviously the mental health aspect of that was a of your life. Did you notice it at the time or when did you first notice that you were struggling with your mental health? Yeah, I kind of, I was like very partially aware majority of my life. I always kind of felt, I always, I described it as I wasn't a full outcast, but I wasn't fully in with the

normal or cool group. So it was like I was kind of in between. So I always felt a little bit out of place at any given moment. And so being a young kid, like most of us, we don't, we're not aware of these kind of feelings or understand what they're, where they're coming from. So we act out in in different kinds of ways. And so for me, I was pretty emotional rollercoaster of a person and really did a bunch of out, I don't know, reacting outwardly in ways that wasn't necessarily proportioned to the circumstances or the situation. And so anytime that would have, happen when I would get home or in a quiet place, I would kind of think back and just kind of judge myself like, man, you are so weird or man. And so then that would kind of lead me to think like,

I'm kind of off. And so I wasn't like putting words like I'm having mental health struggles, but looking back, I was like kind of aware that there was something needed to be addressed majority of my life. Yeah. Wow. So after, I guess until the year of 2020, How long had you been playing baseball? How long was that time saying from after high school to 2020? 10 and a half seasons, so about 10 and a half years. So yeah, I got drafted at the middle of 2010. And then I guess I actually like 10 years on the dot.

Wow. So in between. A lot of baseball. So yeah. And baseball is one of the sports where you can sign as a high school out of high school. So I started as like a very teenager, but a very young, immature man and grew up in baseball and sports. And so all that has its own imprint as well. Yeah. What I find interesting is, I mean, baseball was your love and your passion.

But it's also the thing that, you know, led to deteriorating. your mental health, looking back during the baseball times and noticing something's off with your mental health, what were some of those warning signs? Yeah, I also like to say that baseball just happened to be the thing that I was doing that no matter, I believe that no matter what I was doing would have brought out those imprint things that I learned or picked up on throughout childhood. Um, so because at the same time, baseball gave me a lot of my best memories of my life. Um, but it did contribute to some of the struggle, obviously. But yeah, and so some of the warning signs,

um, I think that the obvious one for me, anyone that grew up playing with me or whether it's a kid or as a professional, um, I was again, very wearing my heart of my sleeve. So I would react so disproportionately to my performance. And so I made one little error, one strikeout pretty early on. I learned to kind of manage it and not do it as often. But there was times of my life where I was snapping a bat or like swinging a bat at the wall or just yelling uncontrollably for a couple seconds in frustration. And I used to justify it.

I was like, yeah, I'm just a highly competitor. I'm just trying to be my best and whatnot. But looking back, I think it's more. of those like things that were swept under the rug are coming out in disproportionate ways because someone that's something that I've heard along the way is your body always keeps scores. So all those unaddressed things, that energy needed to go somewhere. And whenever there was an outlet or a little opening where it'd be kind of acceptable, I'm going to do it to the max.

And so for me in baseball settings, I think just my reactivity to things instead of responding to adversity was a huge sign that there was something off the field or something. happening internally that was a little bit imbalanced. Yeah. Did you find yourself having those same type of, like, outburst reactions in your home life as well? Yes. Yeah.

Unfortunately, irritability has been my biggest enemy, or at least my most consistent enemy. It pops up the most. And I used to, again, I mean, I still at times, justify it was like, it's quickly in, quickly out. Like, just let me, let it be, let me have my quick three seconds. Otherwise, it's going to, it's going to linger. I'm going to be, like, partially or, like, passively irritable. So, unfortunately, yeah, like, if I spilled a cup of water watching TV, I would either slam a pillow or internally, I would mother off myself in the most ridiculous way. Because this level of perfection I thought that I should be living at at any given moment.

needed to be happening, which is just an exhausting way to live. Where do you think that standard that you held yourself to came from? Are you able to pay that? Yeah, I think, I mean, to be honest, I think it is that inconvenience insecurity. I think it spire webs into a bunch of different forms with feeling like an inconvenience in any situation or picking apart the inconvenience in a situation too in a very extreme way. So that spilling that water, it's not that big of a deal, but it's more inconvenient than not spilling. And I just wanted to stay away from any kind of feeling of inconvenience

at all cost. And so it's one of those things I have to kind of like really practice like self-grace because it sounds so ridiculous that I like having to spend time on like, no, just give yourself, it's okay. You just spilled a cup of water. And really it's like that reaction is coming from all kinds of past experiences that I felt completely like an inconvenience, but this is all self-imposed at the same time. So it's not because someone was telling me or showing me. It was me completely believing or like realizing like if I wasn't here, this would be a lot easier for them or if I wasn't here, then it would be easier to be experiencing that. So it's all self-imposed and that's the tricky part. It's like no one gave this to me. It's me kind of like curating it and now having a

kind of break it down. Yeah. Makes total sense. Yeah, especially from that young of age when your parents didn't get divorced. If you have that thought, then it's just... Festering inside of you. Yeah, manifesting for, you know, all of your growing years. Yeah.

Just wanting to have, make that be the last thing that happens. And so make things, keep things light, keep things fun, humor, all the things that we've all learned that mental health struggles can kind of turn into. And not the worst ways either. Like, those things are helpful in a lot of areas of my life, but never addressing the things that are eating at me is where the issue comes into play. Yeah. I don't know about you guys, but I just get so overwhelmed sometimes when I'm shopping for a new vitamin or supplement just because there are so many different kinds in companies, and it's kind of hard to know who to trust and that the company is actually putting good ingredients into their vitamins and supplements. And if you're a

skeptical person when it comes to that, we are one and the same. It's just too hard. But luckily, I have found a multivitamin that I absolutely love. It is from ritual. It is their essential for women, 18 and older. It is a clinically. backed multivitamin with high quality and traceable key ingredients in a clean bioavailable form. It has nine key nutrients and two delayed release capsules per day that optimize your body's absorption. Something that I just absolutely love about this multivitamin is that it has this minty essence to it, which is lovely because if you're like me, I hate taking pills. And the fact that it has this little minty essence to it, I feel like just helps it go down

easier and it's gentle on an empty stomach, which we absolutely love. So no more shady business. Ritual is essential for women 18 and older is a multivitamin that you can actually trust. Get 25% off your first month at ritual.com slash the squeeze, start ritual or add essential for women 18 and older to your subscription today. That's ritual.com slash the squeeze for 25% off. I don't know about you, but when I hear of Gatorade, I instantly think, of athletes and that I don't necessarily fall into the category of someone that would need Gatorade or would need that level of hydration with them throughout the day. But I'm wrong. Hydration is for everyone. Hydration does not discriminate. It is for everyone, not just

athletes. And when I'm saying hydrated in my day-to-day life, I don't want a huge amount of sodium. And I like that this Gatorade hydration boost has nearly half. the amount compared to liquid IV so I can enjoy this Gatorade hydration booster throughout the day to help me stay hydrated. It has electrolyte levels suitable for all day, always on hydration, so you can enjoy this product throughout the day. It's an advanced blend of electrolytes from watermelon, sea salt, and other sodium and potassium salts. This hydration booster contains 30 calories and 5 grams of sugar versus liquid IV, which contains 45 calories and 11 grams of sugar. They are packed with essential vitamins backed by Gatorade Superior Science experts,

and there's no artificial flavors, sweeteners, or added colors in them, which is always just an absolute plus. So remember, hydration is for everyone. We all need it. It is so important for our everyday, day-to-day lives, and you need to start putting your water to work with Gatorade hydration booster. You can use code Boost20 on Gatorade.com to try to it for yourself for 20% off. Prior to April 16th, 2020, how long had you been struggling with suicidal ideation? Yeah, so that phase, it was like a light switch moment that it got turned on around February 2nd or 3rd after I ended in engagement. So for about two and a half months, it went from not being on my mind to being on my mind 99% of the time.

Wow. I had had two passive ideation phases that I can remember in different times of my life, but very impulsive, very adversity happened, and I don't want to be here. And so it was very passive. I wasn't really active on it or thinking what I could do is just kind of like, this sucks. I don't want to be here anymore. The thought comes in your brain. So it was very quick.

and like I did think about how that meant suicide and I was like partially okay with it. So that was the only times that I can really remember credits to actually being suicidal ideation. But February 2nd, third-ish, the day after I called off an engagement of 2020, I saw what my internal pain can do to someone that I care about. And seeing that being passed to someone else when I was kind of harboring myself this whole time that no one knew about, that just kind of broke me down and turned on the switch that I unfortunately couldn't turn off. Yeah.

I myself. I couldn't. That's one of my biggest regrets more than the actual attempt is just not telling someone and having them help me turn it off. Right. Yeah. I bet. Sorry.

I was going to say this before we started, but I thought I was going to be fine. I lost a friend to. You're good. I lost a friend. He took his life and just like getting to. say here and like talk with you and hear, hear your thoughts. And like what you went through is really, really, I guess, kind of cool for me to like get to hear. Um, they apologize. But I think what you said back in the beginning is what I just keep thinking about how cool it is that you get to

like share your story and share like what those thoughts look like for people that, do have them, what that looks like because most of the time we don't get to hear what those thoughts look like for the people that end up taking their life. Yeah, right. Do you might ask the next question? Sorry. Yeah, no, no, I need to be sorry. I think that's something I encounter often and that's what's, that adds to kind of like the

honor that I have to be able to still be sharing my story is obviously it feels fulfilling for myself to kind of give back. But seeing that it at times sues others or kind of like just fills a little bit of their cup to kind of like have some clarity. It just never gets old because unfortunately there's the reason why I'm able to do this as often is because there's a lot of people that feel similar to me or lost someone that felt similarly to me. Totally. That's why I'm so passionate about talking about this loudly. So you can help others stop dying silently. Yeah.

What you're doing is so special. So April 16th, 2020, you wake up that day. Can you sort of bring us through that day? And did you know that morning when you woke up that you were going to attempt to take your life that day? When I woke up, no, I didn't. That's really the whole, I think, three and a half months or three and a half weeks of quarantine at that time. every day was the same to where it was like it was on my mind I was wanting to do it but I just it wasn't I didn't have that final decision okay um so April 16th was a lot similar or very similar

to the days before whereas I just woke up normally doing whatever I was doing throughout the days um and it wasn't until a couple hours after that I really just kind of realized I was kind of I had been preparing for this the last week or two in a more severe way. And so it wasn't really, it was one of the more uncomfortable parts of the story, not necessarily uncomfortable to talk about, just kind of like the way to how it just unfolded of how casual it was of such a serious thing that I was doing. So I said, it was just kind of like, yeah, I want to, but I'm not. And then all of a sudden I was like, man, I'm kind of ready to go.

All right. And then within a couple hours, I had attempted. So it's something that I was, again, kind of like preparing for and working on as if it was any other task in life without any emotions attached to it. Other than kind of relief, unfortunately. And so that's what's so crazy is looking back like, man, how did I not just yell help to somebody? But that's part of my work nowadays is for myself is just try not to live in that regretful state. but that's April 16th. It wasn't until about halfway through the day

that I was officially decided to go through with it. So you pulled the trigger and you realize that you're looking at the same thing that you were looking at five seconds ago. And you say that you didn't even really feel that much pain, right? Yeah. And you were just, were you sitting there and complete confusion?

Is there a moment where you're like, am I actually here right now? What is going on? Yeah, it was the strongest form of confusion that I think human can experience. And so I did it. I heard it. Split second goes by and I'm, like you said, looking at the same thing I was looking at. And so all the thoughts went through my head of, did I miss? Was it a blank round?

Did I actually not do it? Am I not here? what like every every scenario possible is going through my mind and um that all happen in split seconds those thoughts all happen very quickly and so a couple of seconds later i i just kind of reached up and felt the blood and realized okay so it did happen and yeah i didn't feel pain for the first couple hours just being in shock um and so yeah it was just the highest level of confusion for those first seconds but then the next couple hours too because i was just expecting everything that i've seen in movies of just it being done. So being not only not being over with, but also not

feeling pain, also thinking completely clearly, like had not passing out at any moment. It was just mind-blowing. And it's something that I still, to this day, like can't really clearly describe what it was, what I was feeling, how was perceiving it. But yeah, just being completely coherent, showering, mouth washing, putting band-aids on, taking Tylenol, all the things in the most clear way with as much damage as I did. It doesn't make any sense anatomically. So you physically saw yourself in the mirror. What are you thinking? Like I guess throughout that that rest of the day, what made you not think about just picking the gun back up and attempting to finish what you had started? I did. I mean, that was the only real consistent thought

that I was having throughout the second day. So once I woke up from the night of sleep and realized I was still here, and the shock had worn off, and I was in the amount of pain that I was in from about 7 a.m. until 3.50 p.m. That whole time, it was just pretty consistent. Like, just try again, just try again. Just go try again. Why aren't you trying again? While simultaneously just like, well, because of the end, answering that with the ends will happen any second, any second, any second.

And so it was on my mind, but that's where a little bit higher power kind of comes into play. if something was just kind of telling me not to or keeping me around. And so it wasn't until about 11 or 12 in the afternoon of when I did have a moment in the mirror of like realizing a future thought. And that's when it kind of like the end wasn't the only thing that was on my mind. It went from the end to, okay, maybe I can survive this. Maybe I'm supposed to survive this. And so, yeah, for the first about five hours, it was just waiting for the end that next day,

which was about 14 hours into this at that point. Yeah. And then the last about four hours, it was considering calling for help or, or a mixture of calling for help and waiting for the end. And while all this was happening, having my dad come over and do a workout in the garage on knowing,

not knowing what was happening in the house is more than more, it wasn't in the ESPN documentary or the article that not everyone knows about. But that's another twist and turn to this. He was out in the garage on the 17th. Yep. Yeah. So at this time, during the quarantine, he would come over and use some of the equipment to do his workout.

And that morning around like 9.30 a.m. I was in my room and I heard my phone, which I left in the area that I did it the night before. I heard it go off. And I just, I recognize or notice of noise, but again, not like worry about checking my phone in this moment. moment. So I just remember hearing the noise. And then about 30 minutes later, I heard some slamming sounds that felt like, I was like, remember thinking like, man, that sounds like it's in my driveway. That sounds so close. I wonder what that is. I think anything of it. And then later in the afternoon, I eventually did go get my phone. I saw a text from my dad said, hey, is it all right

to use your gym in 20 minutes. And then 20 minutes later was the banging was him using some of the equipment. And so him just being kind of like a respectful, nice dad wouldn't come in without without asking or without permission, just kind of came and knocked it out real quick and then left, which is one of the parts of the story that I'm actually happy it happened that way rather than something else

because I think that would have just traumatized him forever rather than just the idea of hearing the news like he did. And it allowed me to kind of make the decision myself, which I think is playing into the willingness of getting help after the fact. Yeah. So you're sitting inside and you're in, you know, this unimaginable amount of pain.

And you, did you know that you knew in that moment that your dad was out in the garage? No, this wasn't, yeah, I didn't put it together until about 2.30-ish. Once he was gone. Yeah, so, okay. This was around 930 when I got the text, 10 o'clockish is when he was doing the workout. And then it wasn't until about like 2.30 is when I checked my phone for the first time that day and saw a message from my dad. And then realized that that banging was actually him. And so, yeah. Do you think if you would have known he was there, you would have gone out to him?

That's a good question. I haven't thought of it that way. I don't think I would have. At that time, I was still fixed in the waiting for the end and set and set on my thoughts of just waiting for the end. Like I said, it wasn't until I had that moment in the mirror that I caught myself thinking about the future, that I was kind of like starting to transition from maybe asking for help. what were you thinking about the future? What was that thought? So looking at the damage in the mirror, I've had a thought of, man, I'm not going to be able to play baseball again. So I got bummed about that, but then I caught myself. It was like, man, for thinking about baseball, thinking about the future, do I want to play baseball again? Do I want to survive this? And so that's what kind of kickstarted in my curiosity of like maybe I can just call M in 1. And so for the next almost four hours, I just went back and forth. If you can call 911 one and trying again in around like 3.30,

I actually made my way to the same spot that I did the night before and had the gun in one hand. And my phone dialed 911 and one and the other and stared at them for about 15 minutes before making the best decision of my life. Wow. Chills. Yeah. The body cam footage is truly astonishing because it is. is graphic. There is blood everywhere. It truly looks like a crime scene. But you're just laying there, again, very graphic, but it's not nothing, nothing looks good. The pillow is red from not the color of it from something coming out of you. And you're having these full-blown

coherent sentences with these police officers. Like it literally starts out with them. It literally starts out with them banging the door down and you're like, why did you do that? I was going to come get the door. Like, it's just, it's truly, I mean, the whole first part. None of this makes sense. None of this. None of it makes sense. Yeah, that's why it's so special.

You are clearly meant to be here today because none of it makes sense. Yeah. And, I mean, they came in like that because I thought of, because of what I told them on the 911 call, it didn't make sense enough to where they thought, okay, this must, there's something fishy here. This must be, this could be some kind of ambush. because no one would survive that. And so that's why they came in.

There was about, in total, there was about 25 cops. And there were some behind my wall, like in the park area, people out front. And then they all came in about 12 strong going through the house, looking for other people. Which, again, at the moment, that's why I was like, I was going to come with the door because I was so, like, unsure why they were doing that. But then now after the fact, I'm like, that makes a lot of sense and totally understandable. Yeah. I thought it was really interesting.

You know, he's asking you questions very matter of fact. And he just straight up is like asked you, why did you shoot yourself? And your response was because I hate myself. And it's just like a very, a very touching moment because he's just so, I feel like as a cop, he's not, none of them were expecting what, what you said was happening on the inside of the home to be what it was. They were fully expecting something to be going on and here you are just laying here. And the cops like, wait, what's going on? And for you to just, some matter of fact, say, because I hate myself, is that, do you feel like that is the root cause of why you decided you wanted to take your life?

Yeah, I think that's what the root cause turned into. Yeah, unfortunately. Like I said, all these self-imposed insecurities and self-beliefs and self-talk habits and perspectives on things led to me being so low on self-esteem, solo on any kind of like grace or self-love with myself, just turned into genuinely hating myself and majority of my coherent thinking towards myself. So no matter where I was, what I was doing, even on my proudest moments, there was still this background noise of like, you're pretty lucky. This shouldn't be happening to someone like you. And so unfortunately, I think a lot of the things eventually turned into that being the root cause.

Yeah. So you, they take you to the hospital. How, how does your family find out about what's happened? Yeah. Unfortunately, the news spread very fast because they're, they're, I don't remember exactly how it got to a baseball connection, but. it spread through the baseball community within minutes or I guess maybe within hours but some close friends who had heard about it through baseball connections

reach out to my brother and then reach out to my and then so my brother reached out to my sister because my brother I think he was away for working at that time or maybe I forget exactly but when my brother found out he just obviously called everyone in my family

but it was still unsure. This is like still me being taken to the hospital. He's still being tended to within my surgeries and stuff. And so there was a first couple like hour or two panic between my brother and the baseball community of is this true? Is this, this has to be false? Like Drew's the happiest guy that we know or this, he's like the funnest guy that we know. Last person to think of. So someone must have shot him was the next like assumption. But again, obviously just worried about me hearing about the traumatic thing that is being tended to. So there's just a panic of finding out what happened, what happened. And then my brother actually was able to get through to me when I was in the

hospital before my first surgery to ask me what was going on and had a pretty powerful moment with him. I was just like, I'm going to be okay. I'm meant to be alive. I'm meant to be alive. I'm going to be alive. I'm going to make it. But him just being at loss like, dude, did you, what happened? Did you actually do it? And I just had to tell him yes. And so that's when him, my sister, my dad really kicked it into action and just kind of was a dream team of support and then brought in my mom a couple hours later. Okay, lemon drops. Meet the G2 Boost Collection designed to fuel your writing, self-empowerment, and self-expression

only from G2, America's favorite gel ink pen. Harness the power of color science and bring color inspiration and empowered focus to your next written task. Specific colors can affect the way we feel and how we think. This collection has a pink pack, a blue pack, a purple, and a green one. So on this podcast, we have probably gone over so many different types of self-care ideas, whether it be, you know, skincare, therapy, journaling, walking, exercising, all of those things. but something that I have really been wanting to focus on. And I've just heard, honestly,

from our past couple guests that they have implemented in their lives and it's a big part of their daily routine is journaling. And I am an old-fashioned girly when it comes to notes. I have a notebook and I write, you know, the task I have to do, whatever it may be. I love like a written schedule, a written calendar. And that's, is just something that I've always implemented. And so when I thought about journaling, it just kind of went hand in hand because I think there's something so special about using your hand to physically write the words on a piece of paper. And that's where this G2 Boost Collection comes in with their colors. And I don't know if you guys knew this, but did you know that brighter pinks

can create momentum while lighter shades are soothing and more comforting? Darker shades of blue are known to help improve problem solving and decision making, while lighter shades aid in focusing on detail. Darker shades of purple embody a sense of luxury, mystery, mystery, and sophistication, while lighter shades invoke imagination and creativity. Darker shades of green can improve memory and enhance problem solving, while lighter shades of green evoke positive thinking and a sense of balance. I want to talk a little bit more about the pink pack, because I think is my favorite color,

so why not dive into it a little more? Also, you guys have probably seen these pens before. I've been using these pens since, like, I came out of the womb. Pile Pen makes amazing pens, and there's a reason why they're America's number one jelling pen. But color signs is proven that pink doesn't just catch the eye. It can sharpen your focus and calm your heart. When stress hits and challenges pile up, the sixth use of pink in the optimism pack bring a powerful shift to what you're putting on the page. Brighter pinks, it night your drive while softer shades are positive, soothing, and more comforting. Picking your perfect pack can help you maximize your mindset, enhance your mood, improve retention, and boost your creativity. These new G2 Boost collection are exclusively on Amazon.

We always need more jelling pens. You guys, try these packs out. I have been loving them. The powers in your hands with G2 Boost. Use to power you. Something in the ESPN documentary that I just find so powerful and it really just, it shows, it shows your heart and like you're clearly a very deep feeler is when you were, you know, telling your family and talking to them about this, your first and most important things, you're first and most important things. that you wanted to get across was that it had nothing to do with them. You, you know, told your mom that she didn't do anything to make you do this and she didn't not do anything to make you do this. And, you know, same with your brother, your sister. How in that moment with the amount of pain you're feeling are you able to put them and their feelings first? to be because to be honest that's what I was doing before I attempted all I was doing when I said earlier

the preparation for the end was really just trying to take as much of a inconvenience off their plate as possible I know I wasn't going to be able to do that fully but the entire time I was thinking about how I can make it easier to disperse my money to them how to like leave my house clean so that way that they could maybe use the furniture or sell the furniture my entire thought process was how to make things easier on the people that I was going to be maybe hurting. And so when I realized I survived, then that's kind of just carried on and just realizing like, okay, now I have this kind of like release of I can't hide anything anymore. Now I just need to make sure that I'm okay and I want to be okay. So with that, I need to make sure the people around me are okay. So it really

just kind of carried and just kind of changed masks of needing to help them and reassure them or try and make it easy for them, and then it turned into just kind of reassuring that, like, I just want you guys to be okay and let you know that this was all self-imposed. And it's my responsibility to take care of my own healing. Yeah. You're such a great heart, man. And I feel like that's such an important topic that we've talked about on this podcast before. We've had, you know, widows of people who have taken their life.

and they have told us about the idea of, you know, their husband or wife, the reason that they did it and that they struggled is because they truly, truly believed that it would be better for everyone else if they were no longer here. And like it's, it's not like a, I would, I don't know. I have no statistics to support this. But I would say, I would guess that, you know, more times than not, that is the number one reason that people take their lives is because they believe that it, it. They're inconveniencing others. They, it would make, you know, it would make it easier and better on others if they truly were not here anymore. And that, that's, It's just such a heart-breaking thing to sit with because, you know, beyond the fact, like, we all know that that's not true, but in that moment, you can't, you can't see that. Yeah.

When someone is, you know, it is an illness. And when someone is so deep in that thought, they know it and they believed it. Like, you truly believed that. Like, was that, you know, did your family feel? that was the case. No, they didn't feel that. But that was how your brain processed it and what you truly believed in your heart. Yeah. Yeah, I think it's also that is true, but I do think for my experience or my situation, it was also just a level of exhaustion from hiding that. So I became so insecure and so low on just overall mood. I was just embarrassed to be hating myself and feeling so

bad about myself while on paper being pretty successful, being pretty liked and whatnot. But it felt so fake to me, the way I was kind of receiving that or getting that kind of praise or validation or whatever it was that I was experiencing, it felt like it was an act rather than just because of who I was. And then when I would go home, it was like the real me was there when really it was switched. But I don't think that I, and that's why I was so, focus on trying to like make things easy on my family and friends was because I didn't fully believe that I was inconveniencing their life. I was just in so much pain within my own personal struggles and imposed hatred or whatever it may the mask I was wearing the time. I was just so

exhausted of feeling bad about myself and just living with like an internal hate rather than just kind of like a natural being because I didn't necessarily, I didn't fully believe that the world was better off without me. It was just I felt one of the, I think the things that I said in my letter was, I'm smart enough to realize why I'm struggling, but I'm not, I'm too dumb to figure out how to fix it. And so it's kind of like, I know what can be done. I've seen people or heard about people kind of like finding their peace and whatnot, but I'm too dumb. Like I am not worthy of finding that and I never will. So let me put myself out of my misery while believing, like there was some moments I inconvenience others and unfortunately, but it was more of a blend.

I think of those two things were just like being in so much pain that it didn't matter if I was inconveniencing or not. I'm just, I'm in pain. And I want that pain to end rather than realizing it, that doesn't mean I want my life to end. I just want that pain to end. But I think it's a blend of feeling that like that inconvenience while also just being exhausted from feeling like I'm acting my entire life. Totally. Is it true that you wanted, you wanted the bullet and wanted to keep it afterwards? Yeah, I do. I still have it. You still have it? Yeah, I have it next to my bed, my nightstand. I still have the note. My brother made a necklace out of the piece of the floor that it chipped off. So I have as many of the things that were attached to it as I could.

I could just kind of see it as it being something that reminds me of where I was and what I overcame or what I survived. And now what I'm able to kind of not get into as often or as deeply. Yeah. What exactly happened? Like how are you alive? When the bullet went in, how did it come out? What happened?

Yeah. So I went through my right temple. And luckily, when I did it, I was kind of laying to my side. on my couch like this instead of being upright. And so the angle, I didn't realize I was aiming down. And so it came out my cheek area right here. So the angle is a little bit like this. And so luckily it missed this eye.

And because I aimed down, it didn't go through my brain in any way. So it just created an innumeral amount of fractures, damage my sinuses, severed my right, optic nerve. but all things considered just without the besides the fractures and all that it's as good of luck I guess that you can have

and so my brother makes a pretty inappropriate joke but I said luckily he's a bad shot and so luckily I was just kind of aiming down and was able to not include my brain other than a couple of the fractures that caused some cerebral spinal fluid leakage. And then also on top of that, like not, not bleeding out

like with the amount of time before, you know, after it happened and you called 911. Yeah. That's one of the things I still haven't tell myself to ask specifics, but that's the one that I haven't gotten an answer on because I just forget to ask it. But I wonder about that, too, the amount of blood that was in my house and happening. I don't know how I didn't, not only didn't pass, but also was like hydrated enough to like still stay coherent and answer questions in the ambulance afterwards and everything. So that's what's something that kind of leads to like a little side thing

is being able to connect with some of the people that were a part of my saving, meaning the person that was in the back of the ambulance, I've reconnected with him and have stayed friends with him. And he shared with me that, like after the fact that my call stuck out in a way because given the consequences, he was just floored that I was answering the current event questions as clearly as quickly as I was. He's like, you even asked for chapstick at a certain point. All these things, like, but back to the thing, I don't understand how it was that way

with the amount of damage and blood loss. Yeah, well, there's clearly a reason. But so the following year, even to this day, how have you been able to keep yourself accountable and on the right path moving forward? I mean, because whether I like it or not, my old habits pop up pretty often, and my old thinking patterns and all the things that led me to that place are still very ingrained

into my subconscious or my programming. So whether I like it or not, I have to stay accountable because I've seen the depths that those things can take me to. And unfortunately, I've gotten back to similar phases. But what keeps me accountable is committing to getting the help that I need this time and being willing to ask for help and staying regiment. within those practices. So, I mean, I've gone through about two suicidal ideation phases since then. But those things bring out the realization that there's still a journey that this has to be

happening rather than like being done. It's not like I'm healed. It's healing. So I think my struggles, keep me accountable. I think my understanding of what I'm preaching. So there's a level of like practice what you preach that happens that keeps me accountable. And then just a newfound like realization of connection and love like the people that I care about. I really care about them the same way that I did before. But yeah, I really understand like how much, how important they are to me. And so I would never want to hurt them. And I would never want to hurt myself the way that I was willing hurt myself before. When you got home from the hospital and you went back to the same place that you tried to take your life, what was it like being there, walking through the front door,

sitting on the couch? Yeah, walking through the door was just the level of excitement that I don't think I'll ever match because being in the hospital for about 10 days and then going through the psych hospital before that during quarantine, I wasn't able to see anybody for about two weeks while I was on the phone with them nonstop and just like in this level of let go and releasing these real emotions that I had, which was love and emotions and these things that guys don't talk about. So I was missing my family and so excited to see them. So walking to the door, there was a level of excitement that was so strong. And then going to the spot really was, I guess, anticlimatic. I just kind of sat there and realized like this was a spot and then I kind of moved on but I think it's more like

me realizing that I was just bigger than that moment and more important than that moment and so that's why I think I'm able to kind of interact with those artifacts in the ways that I am because I realized that although this was very real to me and part of a very severe attempt that's not really what I'm all about it's really about what I've done since then yeah yeah absolutely something that you talk about that I love so much is if it wasn't for the bad days, how do you appreciate the good ones? And I just, I love that thought. And I even got, this is going to be really cheesy.

But I even, I made the correlation to like a batting average. You know, like, if you have a 300 batting average, You're doing great. Yeah. But that means 70% of the time you're striking out. So I just love this idea and thought that, you know, how do you appreciate life and all the beautiful, wonderful things in life without those tough days? And I know that you, you know, speak about that.

And I just, I think it's so profound. Yeah. I mean, I think the paradoxes of life are shown. all over the place. So I think the yin and yang of everything, the ebbs and flows of life is something that you can kind of pinpoint or notice in any given circumstance. And so I agree that if things weren't hard, you wouldn't really appreciate the good or if you didn't have to go through hard times to find your strength, then you probably just feel a little numbed out most of the time. So a lot of times that's what happens with stability is that you kind of get bored because

things are just kind of like, so having some of those sparks and those things, but keeping things more close to neutral rather than the drastic swings like I was experiencing is really where that wholesome feeling comes from, because you're right, I don't think things would feel as good if it weren't for some of the bad. And that's not to downplay some serious bad that happens in some people's lives. That's just a way to kind of find some kind of peace within the bad because we're all just trying to find some faith within those bad times to try to help us look forward to the good times. Absolutely. I was just thinking, do you still live in that house or have you lived?

I did live in that house for a couple years afterwards. And what's kind of shocking is that it wasn't the attempt that kind of gave me a hard time with that space. It was being out of that relationship with the person that was living with my fiancé at a time. So being in that house, all I knew was her and our two dogs and then re-sparking after my attempt, but then eventually ending things again, it was more challenging for me being in that space because of the memories that we built there more than the actual attempt. To be honest, there's times where I have to kind of like, in almost a working way, remind myself of the attempt because at times I've come so far.

So again, one of those ebbs and flows, there's some times in my life where I'm like, I attempted suicide. And then there's other times my life. I'm like, yeah, I know. I kind of want to do it again. And so at any given moment, I kind of have to remind myself or find some okayness with like, that's not going to happen again. Yeah. What are some of your mental health outlets? Are you still in therapy? Is there something that, you know, working out, what do those resources, outlets look like for you? Yeah. Those are two of the things that I consider, I call it my trifecta, the times where I'm being as consistent as possible with therapy, exercise, and journaling. When those three things

are consistent, I'm similar, again, with the spider web, I think all the other things in my life, all the other practices and techniques and coping strategies that I do kind of take care of themselves. and I just not so ironically happen to be in a little bit more of a neutral minded or big picture mindset. So I grew up in sports. So staying active is just kind of in my DNA at this point. And the times I fall out of my exercise routine is the clear sign of that last factor of like, okay, I'm really struggling right now.

And then therapy, that's like something I've found the most pride in these last four and a half years is I've done a therapy session at least once a week for the last four and a half years. And then journaling, that's the one that I kind of fall away from the most. But when all those three things are happening consistently, it's not a coincidence that I'm usually at my best mentally emotionally. Yeah. Okay, ladies, the holidays are slowly approaching here. And if you're like me, I struggle with trying to find gifts to get my husband. I just feel like it is so hard to shop for guys.

And I don't know why that is. But I know that I'm not alone here in this. And our sponsor for today's podcast episode, Jack Black, offers a full line of men's products for every need from cleansing to moisturizing to beard care so that your guy has skin care that always makes him look and feel good. Another thing that Taylor does that bugs me is he uses my products that are in the shower and they run out so quickly. I'm like, use your own.

And luckily, Jack Black makes some amazing products that he loves. So now I don't have to worry about that anymore. Jack Black was founded over 20 years ago with the goal of offering men's body care that was just as effective as women's body care products, which is so important because we want our men to smell good with the products that they're using. So don't worry about gift giving because Jack Black, as you covered this holiday season, if you want simple, effective products that your significant other will love, you need Jack Black. At to getjackblack.com slash squeeze and use code squeeze for 10% off your order.

Once again, that's getjackblack.com backslash squeeze for 10% off and make sure you use our promo code, squeeze, so that they know that we sent you. When you journal is there, do you just free write? Is there like a certain journal that you'd like to use? I think the most like technique-based one is is gratitude journaling. But yeah, the majority of the time I'm just rewriting and kind of like almost in a diary way. Like today I did this and today I was grateful for this or today. I love that.

But for me, I just, I overthink a lot of things. So having those things stay inside me. Again, energy needs move somewhere. So putting words to it helps me articulate, helps me realize the bad is not as bad as it feels internally. or it helps me really appreciate the good when things are happening in a nice way. So it's just kind of a form of therapy to me, to be honest. I love that. I really want to get into journaling.

Yeah. Well, it's just a healthy. It's another way of just talking and getting feelings out. You know, same thing with therapy, but it's just another way to not let things stir up inside you. And it forces me to not try to be perfect. because you can't because you make errors. You have to scribble things out. Like grammatically, it's not gonna be perfect.

And that's something that I struggle with. Like, not that I think that I'm perfect, but I want it to be neat and clean and aesthetically nice. But the first page in my journal has a bunch of drawings in different fonts and stuff of just saying, let it be messy, let it be messy, let it be messy to allow myself to just have that curiosity, that exploratory freedom of just writing what comes in mind

and then elaborating on whatever that topic is, in a perspective building way or a releasing kind of way. My journal would look like a 12-year-old boy wrote it. I did not get blessed with the hand writing gene that the girls get. I did not. I can attest to that. I did not get that one. I thought of something, though, like I was talking to my dad this morning before you came

over telling him about your story. And he was like, wow, it's crazy that that really wasn't that long ago. No. That this all happened. now that you've taken on this role of advocating and speaking up for people, do you ever feel the weight of that? Like, do you ever feel like you need to be perfect, that you need to, like, you're just setting yourself to a standard because you lived this and you now have taken on this role as an advocate? Yeah, that's probably my biggest struggle these last four years.

is this kind of imposter-like feeling that I get at times where if I'm struggling and I have a meeting with a player that needs my help or if I have a speaking engagement to talk on mental health resources and healing and this and I'm currently in one of my dark phases of hating myself or not doing the things that I've been practicing or preaching to others, it fuels this like insane internal dialogue of you are fake, you are fake, if only they knew. And so it has created a little bit new, a little bit of a new challenge. But again, it's kind of just the same mask on a different consequence because I was kind of doing that majority of my life.

So kind of remind myself, that is kind of the context here. But it's really just a subconscious habit that I learned to do for 27 years. And unfortunately, got pretty good at it. So needing to kind of like let go of that skill that I've created to kind of see the, see myself in a lesser light in most scenarios. But yes, to answer the question, I struggle with that kind of like needing to be perfect now in a new way or needing to be mental healthy at all times and maybe talk about my story or help others avoid getting to where I got to every second of the day, which is just unrealistic and not actually going to be helpful to an extent. So it's something

that has created a new challenge for sure. I remember we, after starting this podcast, probably middle and what? Sorry, that's not what you're going to say. Continue. What did you say? Okay. I would say like the middle end of last year, I was just, it was, this podcast was giving me a lot of stress and it actually wasn't doing good for my mental health.

And I was talking to a friend and I was telling, or a couple, I was telling them, you know, stress I've been because this, this. this, this was happening with the podcast, blah, blah, blah. And they were like, well, isn't it a mental health podcast? And I was like, yeah, they're like, but your mental health isn't good. And I was like, okay, yeah, you're right. I actually should probably like take a look at myself and what's going on because I was so just like focused on making sure this thing was working and helping people and putting on this facade on behind the curtain. I was like struggling and was not okay. So it was just kind of like a funny moment for me to be like, oh,

I'm actually not doing good, but the whole reason I'm doing this work is to help people. And it was just like this weird, like, paradox thing that I experienced. Yeah, it's like the filling your cup to pour out onto others, that kind of thing. It's like if your cup's empty. So, yeah, again, that's, I run into that predicament a little bit more than I'd like to admit the last couple of years. But yeah, I mean, the first couple months, my environment was so controlled. I couldn't, I couldn't, and at the waist.

I couldn't lift things over 10 pounds. And so my family had to kind of rotate and really help take care of me. And I just had this near-death experience that I felt a crazy shift from. And so I was over the moon with optimism. Like, it's never going to be as bad as it was. So, like, I remember saying and naively believing, I was never going to have a bad day again in the first couple months. Like, again, my environment was so controlled.

I was so optimistic of not being in that place anymore. more that I was genuinely believing that I'm never going to have a bad day again. And if I feel, if I do, then I'll just use this to remind myself of where I was and it'll be an easy fix. But again, that's not how life works sometimes. And those paradoxes, they're going to happen at some point. So a pretty common thing that I journal on is knowing better but not doing better and finding way to do better.

So it's like having those things align. Yeah. What you do say and what you do say and feel are aligned, then that's where you find your your stability. So everyone's while, what I'm doing is not really matching what I'm saying or feeling. Yeah. Okay. Last couple questions. Sitting here today, we've kind of talked about the different mental states that you've been through since 2020. Where are you at today? Yeah, today I'm happy to say that I am kind of like transitioning out of a tough stretch for a couple months. So if I've not as high as where I've been at certain moments in my life, especially the last couple of years,

but being in that dark and that low phase, even being like 50%, 60, 70%, if I had to put a number on it, feels like it's the biggest breath of fresh air because it seems like it's a little bit of a cyclical pattern, unfortunately. But every year I've kind of fallen into a stretch. And unfortunately, this year it happened this summer. So right to today, I'm happy to say that I'm in a much. a much better place and a much more optimistic place than I was a couple weeks ago. Yeah.

I love that, man. I love that. I think that's something I've learned as time has gone by. Because I feel like once you realize you're struggling with your mental health, then you start to, you're like, oh, I got the tools. I got this going. And then something happens. You're like, oh, wait, no, what's going on?

And then it really does just start, it does do that. It ends and flows. Yeah. I struggle with acceptance versus expectations. Yeah. Or expectations versus acceptance. So when I'm in those dark phases or those struggling times and I do take action, like kind of what you said, I'm like, I'm expecting things to improve.

Yeah. Rather than just allowing them to prove, improve and not practicing some acceptance. Because like, yeah, I'm struggling. Let's not put so much meaning to it. Like, yes, this does kind of suck, but let's not make it be like my entire life sucks. Yeah. And so having some of those differentiating kind of thoughts or beliefs really do go a lot longer way than at least I give myself credit for because a lot of times I'm like, yeah, that's true,

but I don't want to. It's too cliche. Exactly. And so it's like that battle of expectations versus actually just accepting what's real and what's happening in a non-judgmental way. Yeah. Why do you think you survived? Yeah. The only thing that I've come up with so far is just because I'm clearly meant to help

others not do that. I shouldn't, on paper, anatomically, I shouldn't have survived what I did. So I just see it as the most extreme painful sign of I could have been doing this all along because I understand what's like to be in that place. And so I believe I'm meant to just help people start their mental journey or continue their mental journey and find a little bit more empowerment rather than debilitation from their experience. I think that's a dang good answer. And I clearly think that's the right answer. I mean, for that answer, like, the quote that I already said earlier on,

but it's just so true to me is I'm just trying to heal loudly to prevent others from dying silently. Yeah. So good. When you said that in the DAC, I was like, wow. That's a real, that's a real profound statement there. Yeah. It's awesome.

If you had any bit of advice for somebody that's struggling right now, what would you say to them? I would just say, just talk it out. I think starting in a place of talking out, because I think about myself, I just wasn't talking about it. So I'm assuming the person who might relate just hasn't tried talking about it. and I don't know what the science is, but sometimes just hearing it helps lessen the load because it doesn't sound as true when you hear it versus just internally believing it or thinking it. And just find some awareness or some recognition that if you feel exactly the way I did that, you don't want your life to end. You just want a phase of your life to end or a part of your life to end.

And there's ways to make it end. So with that, there's a lot of resources. There's a lot of people that would rather hear about your struggles than attention. your funeral. So another quote that I've, that I lean on is people would rather hear from you than about you. I do think it starts there with communication. And they said, I think I know that everyone around me would have rather hear, heard how scared of misunderstanding that I was having or how scared I was of being judged for thinking this way while living the life that I was, they would have rather hear that, heard that irrationality or that dramatic take rather than having to deal with what we've

had to deal with or maybe attend my funeral. So to that person, I might be struggling. Just start with talking. It goes such a long away than I think we give credit for. And you'll probably feel a sense of pride because you realize you actually put yourself first for once and put away those, that voice that's telling you this isn't worth it. That's great. So good. Well, you're incredible, man. And I'm so happy you're here. and I know a lot of people feel that same way and, you know, the work that you're doing and

putting yourself out there and just being vulnerable about it is just so commendable. So thank you for being here today and, you know, sharing your story and everything you do on a daily basis. Thank you so much. I mean, thank you for what you guys are doing too. I think just giving platforms and talking about it in such a real way yourself. I think that's what moves the needle. That's what I'm trying to do. all of us just kind of try to make things a little bit lighter for people as again life-changing and in some cases life or death yeah thank you and thank you ellie please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode