The Squeeze - Hannah Brown: Opening the Scary Closet

Episode Date: February 8, 2023

This week your hosts welcome their first guest … Hannah Brown! They kick off the episode with a new segment, Cit-rus (sh*t-just) Got Real, and then dive into Hannah’s experience releasing her book, God Bless This Mess: Learning to Live and Love Through Life’s Best (and Worst) Moments. Hannah explains that the first time she was really asked about her feelings was when she was on The Bachelor, and while that was a great experience for her, being The Bachelorette was much more challenging. Hannah also presents her metaphor of the “scary closet” as she’s working on organizing and processing what has impacted her throughout her life. She talks with the Lautners about intention vs. impact (especially when communicating with your partner), her time on Special Forces: World’s Toughest Test, and finding her footing in the world of social media. At The Squeeze, we're all about intentional conversation, and Hannah offers just that in today's episode as she opens up about her mental health journey.  Be sure to check out Special Forces: World’s Toughest Test Wednesdays on FOX at 9/8c, and follow Hannah, @hannahbrown!  Thanks to our amazing sponsor for making this episode possible: Farmer's Dog — Get 50% off your first box of fresh, healthy food at TheFarmersDog.com/thesqueeze. Plus, you get FREE shipping To email us your questions or share your story, you can reach out to [e-mail].  Be sure to rate, review, and follow the podcast so you don't miss an episode! Plus, follow us on Instagram, @thesqueeze and personally @taylautner and @taylorlautner. To learn more from The Lemons Foundation, follow @lemonsbytay on Instagram and visit lemonsbytay.com  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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So, would auto-huees on your re-sadviseur or sunnycars. When life gives you lemons, what do you do with them? Over here at the squeeze,

We talk about it. Hello, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of The Squeeze. I am Taylor Lautner. I am too. Oh my goodness. Wow. Wow.

Never said that before. So we have a very special guest on our show today. Yes. Miss Beauty Queen, Miss Bachelorette, Miss Special Forces. Dancing with the Stars. Special Forces. She wears a lot of belts. She does.

Ms. Hannah Brown herself. Yes. I was so excited to have her on, but I didn't realize how much I, I knew I loved her. She's, I just love how she's herself and she owns who she is and she's great. But I just loved our time with her. And she had a lot of really good words of advice and pearls of wisdom and. Well, yeah, I only knew what I knew of her, which is what most people know of her. And I already, you know, I was a fan of hers on the show and I think she's just very smart.

But doing our research on her, we learned a lot about her that I had no idea of. And it was just super cool to dive into that and, you know, learn what makes her brain do the things it does. And I related a lot to a lot of the things that she spoke about. Yeah, I was going to say you guys definitely are very similar in how you approach things, kind of how you handle obstacles and whatnot. But I think the biggest thing I took from that is the metaphor of the closet that she talked about. That's like. The scary closet.

I love a good metaphor because like it just paints, I'm a visual learner. Like literally in nursing school when I would make my flashcards and my study sheets, I would make everything and it costs. And I'd be like, oh, diabetes is red, head trauma is purple. Yeah. And that's how I would remember things. So when people have good metaphors, I'd just like cling to that because she was full of good metaphors.

Yeah. So we're excited to have you guys listen to this episode and I think you're going to have a lot to take away from it. We love you, Hannah. Oh. Welcome, Hannah. Thanks for having me, guys. We are very excited.

We're also very excited to introduce a new little segment. of ours. Citrus got real. Just citrus got real. Where we have this beautiful lemon pitcher and our guests will pull out a piece of paper and that piece of paper will have a question on it. Super intense questions. Very intense.

She'd be nervous. So go ahead. Just do the thing. Get in there. I never feel like I pick up the right. I'm just like, oh, I should have just. I'm never confident in that. Okay.

It's a long piece of paper. Yeah, it's a little unnecessary, but I like it because it's great to hold. What is the most annoying color? Okay, I'm like, wow, let me think of that. Okay, actually, I know. You have an answer? I think like a neon green. Okay.

I'm not like, it just hurts my eyes. It's loud. It's loud. Yeah. I want something that makes me feel like at peace and that definitely doesn't. So you're loving this. No, this is yellow. It's yellow.

It's yellow. It's just neon green. It's the neon green really gets me. Yeah. I don't know. And maybe a neon orange. Okay. I would say those two.

Okay. Not a neon yellow though. Okay. Good to know. That one's good. What's yours? What's my most annoying color? Yeah.

I wrote the questions. I wasn't expecting to answer them. Technically, you had that one right before you texted it. me. You did? Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. Great minds think I like. Uh-huh. See, okay. Um, I think maybe I'm just not the biggest orange fan. Yeah. I was going to say like a neon. I like the neon. The neon really sucked. That was smart. Yeah. But I don't, yeah, I don't know if I can do orange. Maybe that's just me. Yeah. No, I don't think it is. I think. But I love fall. So like decorating my house.

But you're talking about this certain orange that I, I, there's one color orange when you just hear orange. Yeah. That's bad. It's that like bright shade of orange. Fall orange. Yeah. Yeah. A warm orange that I want to, you know, warm up my house with.

Yeah. In September. That's fine. I'm so bummed that this question's bold because I love this question. Like we're not going to get. Do you want to answer? Go ahead. Well, I know, the neon orange.

That's my, that would be my answer. Okay. I was going to, I took the orange and the neon. Okay. We're all in agreement. This is off to a good start. Yes. Yep. Perfect. So when we were doing research about you, we realized how open you have been about a lot of your life struggles, whether it be unhealthy coping mechanisms, your struggles with body image, disorder eating, even like, back to your childhood. that have pancreatic cancer at age 11 and the loss of family members.

Has that been hard for you to do? Because I know for me personally, I kind of do it as a living. So it kind of comes a little more naturally to me than Taylor. It took him a very long time to like publicly. It's still taken. Yeah. That's a difficult thing for me. So, I mean, we wanted to start this off just by applauding you for like doing that.

It's like super cool. I think because of how I started like on the bachelor, bachelorette, you're kind of exposed to some of like your most vulnerable times. And in a way that wasn't always on, you know, you don't have much control of that. Yeah. And I think for me, I wrote my book and that's when I finally like really talked about a lot of these things and on my YouTube channel when it was like me being able to decide how I wanted to tell my story. that felt really good because also people are going to make assumptions about you and your and your history and where you're from and to be able to be like, no, this is actually the story and write it yourself and feel like everything, like for me, I'm like, everything's out on the table now. You know, I'm sure there'll be other things that happened throughout life that, you know, I'll be able to share.

But it was really a weight was lifted off of me when I finally was like, okay, this is all the. crap I've been dealing with my whole life. Like, and this is why I struggle now. These are some of the things that I'm still working through. It felt really great, but it still is, you know, scary and vulnerable. I remember, like, right before the book came out, because that's really, like I said, when I felt like I got to really tell my story. I was probably in, like, one of my, like, worst mental states that I had been in. But it was the day it came out.

Didn't care. It was so weird. It was like, I didn't even care anymore. As soon as I knew that people could pick it up and they were going to make their own instead of like read it and it was the more the build build up of it that I think stressed me out of like what are people going to think. How is it going to do? And then it was like I didn't care if I sold one copy or, you know, ended up think. I was so thankful like New York Times bestseller. But like I had no.

I didn't care at that point. And that felt really good. So, wow. Because it came from you. Yes. That's like, I mean, that's like the scariest part is leaving that all out in the open and allowing people to twist it however they want to make the story that they want. And of course that happened.

You know, if people are going to have interviews and do things and I'm like, oh, you really didn't probably read the book and you're just like taking a little piece of something. And that's hard. But at the same time, the people that really care are the ones that read the book and found something that, you know, spoke to them. And I think it's, I've gone through things that are crazy. My life's been taking me on a lot of different adventures. But I think there's all like this part of our lives that we can relate with everyone with. And that's kind of why I did it as well. Because it's great to know that, you know, you might be going through this like really

incredibly hard circumstance, but to just hear somebody else has gone through something hard to. And it just makes you feel like you can survive, that you can, you know, make it another day. Everything's going to get better. I think that's also why I do it. Yeah. And that's such a big reason why we are doing this too is that so people can hear stories like yours and like everyone pulls something different from it. Realize they're not alone. Yeah.

Yeah. No matter what it is. Was there one of those obstacles that you talked about that you would say shaped you the most or had the biggest impact on your life? I'm still trying to figure that out. I mean, I didn't start therapy and really I love my family, but just where I was from, like, nobody really asked me about my feelings. The first time I actually remember somebody like asking me about like how I fell or how I was doing genuinely was, well, I don't even know if it was that genuinely. was on The Bachelor, which, you know, that's not therapy. Right.

I like, you didn't go on the show for therapy to find yourself. But honestly, that's, I was like, I love this. I would sit in the interview room with them for literally four hours. I'm like, oh, somebody just wants to know about me, giving them wonderful content. But for me, it was just like, oh, somebody's asking about me. Like, this is really, feels good. And so that's not the healthiest. to do therapy.

And then, you know, it was a very hard time. And I finally started therapy like two years ago. So I am still in the process of figuring out what is the things that have impacted me. Like, why do I sometimes still struggle? I'm doing EMDR therapy now just for some, like, trauma things. But if I could guess, probably what happened when I was really young with my family members, being murdered. I think that I was six years old

and it was just really a, it was never really discussed. And it was such like a, like a taboo thing because it's something that's hard to discuss for people and it's kind of scary. And I think that and then just having other life experiences on top of that

and still keeping that same mindset of like, we don't talk about it. It's going to be fine. Just smile through it. like I took that as, okay, we'll just do everything really good and just that will get the attention instead of everything else. So that's probably like the first thing that really affected me that I can remember. So I would say that's been the thing that has, I've learned a lot about myself from and how I handle different situations and why I sometimes act the way that I do. Yeah.

I think stems from all that stuff that happens when you're really young. Yeah. Yeah. And we'd like forget about that. Obviously a lot of, I never experienced mental health until I started working in the hospital. And then like since going to therapy and working through that, I've realized exactly what you're saying. Like the depth of some of like issues that I have literally stem from my childhood. I was reading a book called How to Do the Work.

And I got halfway through it because I was wrecked from it. Because it talks about stuff about your childhood. I'm like, oh, I forgot about that. Oh. I mean, my parents are great. Love you, mom and dad. But, you know, it just like, it brought up so much stuff. And I was like, oh, this explains a lot. Yeah. Because I feel like a lot of the, this is true for me. Like, I feel like a lot of the time you're, when you realize you're going through something, you start by looking on the surface and like what's happened recently and what you've, you know, why am I doing this right now? What's happened to me in the last six months? Like, but really, you have to take a deeper dive and go back. back much further than that. And you're still going to be working out things that happen in your childhood, especially stuff as traumatic as that, you know, maybe forever.

Yeah. As long as you're taking those baby steps. For sure. I call it like the scary closet, you know, like it's, I felt like my, my scary closet was like packed to the brim and I kept like shoving the door like it. Like it would want to pop out and like, nope. And now I opened it and it just all started falling out. We're trying to organize it.

Trying to organize it in my brain and make it a closet that everything fits. It has its place. It doesn't mean that it didn't happen. It's just we can open the closet, see the scariness inside, the parts that are scary, the parts that are good. And I can easily close it back and it doesn't just like bust open. I love that. I know. Wow.

As long as you have it all labeled. Yeah. So when you want to check in on it. Go to that one. We've been there. We're going to address this one today. Nope, we're going to push that one back. Oh, my gosh.

Yeah. That was good. I'm definitely carrying that one with me. Yeah. So something, as you guys know, that has been a huge part of my mental health journey, Taylor's mental health journey journeys as individuals. And as a couple has been therapy. Amen.

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No, you can do it on your lunch break. You can do it before work, after work. And it's honestly just, it's convenient. Yeah. It's convenient and they have great therapists. Yeah. And it'll just keep you accountable too. So we highly, highly encourage that you guys check out cerebral because therapy is just

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offer is only valid on monthly plans. Other exclusions may apply. See site for details. Get going on that therapy. Tay mentioned this to me that you talked about this in an interview, intention versus impact. And I love that. Yeah.

She knows this because we talk about it all the time. And I mean, for us, it's like I just think that you, if you attack any relationship in your life, doesn't matter what kind of relationship it is with what you're talking about, intention versus impact. And if you're, you don't have to agree with anyone as long as you're able to see why they feel a certain way. Yes.

Because that's all people want to, you know, that's all they want is to be hurt like everyone. So I love, she told me about that. I was like, that's good. Yeah, I mean, you can have, you know, you can be coming from a place that's totally innocent or, you know, have a good heart or just be aloof. But it really is how does that make somebody else feel? And if it did offend or hurt someone like, listen to that and be able to take that. And that's where you can start conversations.

That's where you can actually build a relationship. I mean, yeah, it doesn't matter what your intention was. It's how it made somebody else feel. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's a powerful. tool in life. For sure. And that's that's like being able to humble yourself for sure to know maybe you thought you were right, but you realized from somebody else like you weren't thinking of

you weren't thinking that way. Yeah. And you're not completely right. And there are there is another side to something and you have to be able to see that, take that, learn from that. Yeah. And move forward. Yeah, that's definitely been something that we've, this is kind of like the first relationship that I've applied that to. We've applied that too. And it's whenever we do get in an argument, like we don't even get in arguments. I feel like because we are able to like talk through it with that idea in mind. Like maybe an action than I did affect to Taylor when I didn't realize I was doing something. And he was like, do you know why I'm upset? Or like, do you see how that could hurt me? And I'd be like, okay, well, I literally didn't even know I was doing anything. But I don't want you to be hurt. And I'm sorry that

that happened. Yeah. When you have that mutual respect and love for somebody, it doesn't matter what the topic is. Isn't it crazy? I mean, I have not, this is my relationship. Now is my first, like, pretty healthy relationship. I'm like, oh, wow, you've talked through things. That is so wild.

What a concept. And it doesn't ever really turn into an argument. It's a conversation. Yeah. And it's not always like the most fun conversation to know. know you hurt somebody's feelings unintentionally, but it's, it makes you, it's like iron sharpens iron. I mean, it really is like, I love, I mean, I don't love, but when he calls me out, it makes me better. Yeah. Because I didn't see that I was maybe being hurtful or rude. And it's

never fun to be told that I was being rude, but I wasn't, because I wasn't intentionally being it, but he's not that way. So am I going to. keep doing that? Yeah. No, I'm going to learn from that. Yeah. Yeah, I think it's definitely great in relationships. It also shows, like, the kind of person that he is because you, when he calls you out

like that, you wouldn't have the reaction that you did right now if you didn't know that it comes 100% from a place of, like, respect and love for you. Yes, for sure. And I also know that I can do the same thing for him. And he would, like, there's, we just. we both want the same thing. We want to be able to make it work and make each other feel safe.

I think that's like my big word. It's like to feel grounded and safe with someone. I say that about Adam a lot. People are like, you call them safe. Like is it? I'm like, no, like I want safety. I want safety in my relationship that I know I can go to someone and they're going to be able to support me

and love me through it and push me and challenge me. But like in a way that's encouraging me to become a better person. And yeah, I'm really thankful. I love that. Yeah. I love watching you guys on social media and whatnot. He's the best. It just like it makes me.

It makes me happy. Not that it like reminds me of us, but it's like I love when I see couples of one person that's like more. So in the industry and the other one that's not just because that's us. And I like watching people that are like that. So I know. I'm like, bless his heart. But he's like, because it's hard for somebody who didn't like ask for it. I think that's what I always say is like people in your life don't ask to have so many eyes on them starting to judge them.

And I think that's one of the hardest things for me is like for him to have to start thinking the way that I have to think. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's a tough transition. It's about gosh, it's what's that intention. versus impact kind of thing, but like to this like, yeah, crazy level of just like, oh, what is this going to look like to other people, but also trying to just be ourselves. There's like this, this line that you have, that you have to follow. But thankfully, because our relationship is like

really great, it's just, it kind of gets just to be us. But yeah, I think it's great to see just couples like us. Yeah. Cheers to healthy, happy couples. Yes. Cheers. How long have you I spent together now? A little over two years. Okay. So yeah. Oh my gosh. Love it. Our five years on Thursday. Wow. That's crazy. I know. I was kind of annoyed we got married. We had to start all over and now with this whole number thing. Oh, I know. I waited too long. It's all my fault. It's okay. I figured. Wait, how did you all meet? Sorry. I know this is. Did you all meet like here, right? Actually, through his sister. We had a mutual friend. I mean, when he moved, it's weird because when he moved out to California, who moved to Santa Clarita, which is where I'm from. But like, we didn't know each other.

We're five years apart. And I went to like opposing high schools with his sister. So like we knew of the other. She's a year younger than me. But she went to school in Nashville. One of my best friends went to school in Nashville. They became friends. I met his sister.

And then after the second time I met her, she called Taylor and was like, hey, you needed like throw a game night and I'm bringing a girl over. And I didn't know. Oh my gosh. So your sister was a matchmaker. Yeah. She sure was. She knew what she was doing.

Oh my gosh, go sis. I know. She literally on the phone the first time she told me about Tay said, I met your future wife. I was like, sure. And yeah, here we are. And she was right. Worked out. Thanks, sis.

On the note of healthy relationships, I want to go back to an unhealthy relationship. Oh, perfect. It was fun. Let's do it. Obviously, we want to talk about your time on the show as a bachelorette, but also on the bachelor's. How was that for you? Because we have friends that have been on the show and you hear everyone's experiences like so different. So like we just want to know like we're curious how it was.

And I'm a big fan of the show. Yeah. I have definitely trailed off like many have. But I started watching the show when I was 10 years old. Yeah. It definitely is different for everyone. I say on The Bachelor had the time of my life. It was so fun.

Being a contestant for me, I sound so weird. I don't know if it's a contestant. I don't know. Chessent, beauty pageant, hi. Being on that side as like one of the girls was actually really fun. I think also because what I said, I was like, oh, somebody's asking me about me. And I'm like, is this kind of therapy? That's funny.

Which is messed up. But I love that. Yeah, I thought it. I really grew from it actually on that side, mainly because I was being asked about myself and really being able to like ask myself those harder questions. As the Bachelorette, there's a lot of pressure. And you also go from, like, I lived in Tuscalo, Alabama. I did pageants to try to get myself out of the smaller town of Roll Tide.

It's not that. It's just I knew I wanted something different, but also it was just like relationships that were then. Sometimes I felt like I was settling for, like, a different life than I knew that I wasn't supposed to. So that wasn't for me. Yeah. And it was great, but also I really went on the show. Like I wasn't one of these people that like planned for all this to happen. Like it was, it was overwhelming.

Yeah. For me because it happened really quickly. I wasn't even, you know, I didn't even make it to like the top four and to become the, I think I was the first Bachelorette that wasn't, I hadn't made it far. And so I think I had a lot. of like insecurities like going into it that internally I was like playing these games with myself I think in it yeah and also like I think I knew if I would have listened to myself I knew that my person wasn't there at first interesting and I was upset about that because I'm like oh like this

the only reason I was doing this I'm like oh maybe God like is opening all these doors that because this is like what I'm supposed to do because I'm not pushing this at all I didn't I got randomly nominated for it. I didn't even watch the show really before. So it was all just like everything just kept happening for me. And I think I got a little defeated and a little lost along the way because I didn't trust myself in those situations, mainly because there's a lot of pressure and you want to do what's right for you. But then I think almost like the show, even for me, not because of other people, like becomes important and you want to fall in love and you want to find your person. And then you do actually like start having genuine feelings for multiple people. And I don't know,

I don't think that's the right way to date personally to like give your heart to people in certain situations and like what does that do when it doesn't work out for you? And I think that was my whole thing. It's just it's a wonderful experience, but there is a lot that like you're kind of left with at the end. And then like when you're off the show, it's like, all right, now you have. Yeah. Two million something people watching you and everybody's watching this like, this is like a huge television show and like good luck. Yeah. Because it's not because like you're done now.

Yeah. That's where we're working on the next person. And that's really tough. Yeah. But I always say like I'm so thankful for it. I wouldn't be sitting here today without it. And I'd never been out of the country before I was on these shows. So I got to travel and learn a lot about myself good and bad.

And so ultimately, like, I'm so glad I did it because I grew from it. Now, I probably wouldn't want my best friend to do it, though. That's what I always say. Right. Like, I think it was my plan to do it. Like, I really do, even though sometimes I was like, did I listen wrong? Did I make some choices that I wasn't supposed to? And like, that's probably a yes.

But people ask me and I'm like, I would not want my best friend to go through. that. Because you never know. You could be gone the first day and like it was a fun experience, but it could also be really hurtful. I just, it's not worth that. I was going to say too, while, like, while you're on the show, I can't imagine

trying to like process your own thoughts and how you're feeling, but also like have producers talking to you and like, who knows what their intentions are. But like, I can't imagine like that. like you're literally just like up to bat and like you don't even know like so many weeds to work through and having to you know yeah fall in love on top of that yeah and there's so many times that we've like been watching the show not not you personally are we talking about but like we've watched a show and like why are they letting the producers like get in their head about that but like yeah that's all you're like you're living and breathing and like that because you don't have a phone you don't have any like you

are truly like in a bubble. And yeah, it's, it's really hard. For me, the first when I was on The Bachelor, I thought it was fun. They'd be like, mess with this. Say something about this. And I'm like, oh, that's freaking funny. Okay. I'll say, yeah. I'm like, okay, yeah. Not really, because I didn't watch the show before. I didn't know what was really happening. But I was like, that is freaking funny. Like, let's talk about that. Like, I loved it. I loved like, they would, you know, say something. Stir the pot. Stir the pot. And I'm like, you know, let's just go for it.

Truly, like, I would tell anybody if they're on the show, you like, you need to have my attitude going into that because it was fun. And you have a lot more time to process, actually, because, you know, one girl's going on a day. Yeah. Then you're all at home. Yeah. I journaled and just kind of say to myself a lot of times, not because I didn't like the other girls at all. It's just like I had, there's a lot of crazy going up. We got to try to like figure out what that is.

And that was important for me to have that time. But when you are the lead, you know a production like cost of they have, you have, you have this amount of days. Yeah. And it doesn't matter what you feel like, how much time you need. Yeah. We're getting this done. So there was no when you're the person on camera the whole time. So there were no breaks.

Yeah. So I think a lot of the times. I was having these dramatic. I had watched some, like, people will post things for me on the show. I'm like, I was so dramatic. But I think it was also like this cry for help of life. I haven't had time to like really sit down and think about how I feel. Yeah.

I am narrating the show, but I also have no idea how I actually feel. Yeah. And that was the part. That's why I would have these random like freakouts. I feel like of just like, how am I so. to like make these decisions when you don't have time to think yeah i would like and you're so tired i would i was talking to the i'm still close with the stylist on the show and he we went and had well we had dinner that lasted forever and he was like i remember he would like sleep while

the late gina did your makeup i'm like oh yeah like anytime i could sleep i was sleeping so i wasn't thinking and so then we ended up with the my season oh my god Oh my gosh. We were just talking about, it popped up on my explorer page. The iconic moment. Oh, yes. Saying, oh, my gosh. I forgot about that.

And rewatching it, I was like, yeah. I mean, thank you for your season because it entertained us for a good. Also, now hearing you say, like, you literally don't have time to process. Like, I can only imagine, we saw the frustration in your face. But, like, you literally couldn't even think of it. Like, you couldn't process it. Yeah, people are like, did you think of it? I was like, I really thought I went like a switch of crazy that hadn't been flipped on before flipped on in.

And I thought I was going to fight somebody. More because I'm just mad. And it wasn't even like to the guy. I think it's just the whole situation of like why it was happening. I'm like, I don't care how heavy this thing is. I am like, and it was kind of heavy. You didn't make it look at me. I was so.

I was like, oh, okay. Yeah. We're going for this. Strength right there. Yeah. Oh my gosh. You're welcome. Everyone?

I love it. It was a different experience for sure. I definitely didn't hold much back. But I also wanted to touch on you kind of said like after the show. I've gotten to know Susan Clayton really well. And even before I knew them kind of like the backlash that they got from after the show and just kind of seeing like what the show didn't. They only fed into it with the girl season after.

Did you have support after? Was there mental health help after that? How do you feel? No. I've noticed this about myself with a lot of the shows and things that I do. I'm still trying to figure out why I do this, but I isolate myself, really and kind of like dissociate. Yeah. And after the show, I wouldn't go home.

I only would only talk to producers, which is probably not healthy. I couldn't talk to my friends. I didn't know how to process what I was going through because those people were there. So I didn't have to fill them in on everything that happened. And, you know, I'd never done therapy and didn't have that, like hadn't done that. Yeah. Yeah. I knew I needed help.

I definitely knew I needed help, but I just didn't know what to do. I was out here by myself, didn't like literally by myself because. I was so isolated. Like I just, I wanted to do as much press as I could, not because I wanted to be out there, but it was just something to do because I could talk about that. And then I didn't want to be at home, but I didn't want to talk to anybody. And I still catch myself going into that. That's kind of my cycle.

I shut everyone off and kind of go inward. So I definitely did that before, but I was looking for any type of distraction. that wouldn't make me have to like open up to somebody, talk to somebody, just more like work, I guess. Yeah. It's so insightful. And I think that's so awesome that you've like learned that. Yeah.

I always feel like not that mental health is like addiction, but the first step is like realizing you have a problem. I feel like that's very applicable to a lot of like mental health struggles. The first step is like you got to realize something's wrong. Like me personally, it took me a long time. I mean, you too. Me, I'm still, I feel like we're similar. I still am very much in a place where it frustrates me because I feel like I can't put my finger on it.

Yes. And when I can't figure out why I'm doing something or why I react to something, it really frustrates me. And I'm in the middle of that journey right now. The dissociation and like the isolation part is really, it's something like my friends who are my friends, like they have like stuck with me because. Yeah, I just shut people out. I'll go like people who work with me. I just, I go dark. Yeah.

And yeah. And that's hard for relationships. Like I think when I'm out of it, I'm very like I am open about what I was going through and like, why don't you just let us know? And I'm like, it's like I can't. It's like I'm really like frozen or. Something like everything's really hard. Yeah.

And even when I do like these crazy shows, it's like I like flip this like weird switch where I'm just in that. Like I only focus on that. I can't talk to anybody else. I'm just doing that. And so whatever happens there, I'm not going to tell you about it. I'm going to just be here, do this. And I think it makes me successful and I like work hard. Yeah.

But I don't think I actually even choose that. It just is where I go. And I'm very interested in understanding why I do that. I'm trying to not be like hard of myself about that because there's parts of it that I think are helpful. Like it's good. I can be like really zoned in and focused. But it's in a way to shut feelings and things out. And I would like to to understand why I do that.

Yeah. Where that comes from. I know. We all have these like cycles that we, you know, have such a hard time breaking. And I very much, you know, can relate to you. Yeah. With a lot of that. Yeah.

Let's talk special forces. I'm curious because it looks rough. What made you say I want to do that? This looks fun. Let me sign up for that. Yeah. So I remember getting the call and, like I said, I think. I, after all the shows, I needed to take some time to, like, get myself in a place where, like, I felt like myself again.

Yeah. And I'd been really working on my mental health. Like, that was really the focus. And I'm so thankful for that. And I got the call. Oh, I got the call. And I was, like, really scared at first. I'm like, oh, I don't know.

Like, am I ready for this? And then I think I was like, am I ready for this? It's like, this will be a good, I didn't realize how hard it was going to be. I thought like, this is a good way for me to see, like, how have I grown? And to think of it in a positive way of like, I'm going to gain something out of this. So let's see, like, where am I mentally and physically? I had a lot of, I haven't really talked about it much because it's been also this trying to figure out, like, had a lot of like physical health stuff going on the past two years, probably manifestations of everything.

I really had gotten in my head. Like, I couldn't do anything. And I wouldn't be able to do it. And I'm like, no, like, I can. Like, let's just go for it. And I wanted that kind of like transformative experience to really prove to myself, like, you are not weak. Like, I had gotten into my head that I was weak because I had to work on all these things on myself. I had kind of gotten to that place where really, like, if you don't work on your mental health, like, if,

affects every part of your life. Like the physical manifestations of that are so real and just where your mindset is. So it was really on that upward trajectory. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to do this to really push myself, but also motivate and encourage myself that I can do. I can do the hard of things. That's why I did it. I was terrified.

Like I was talking to Adam about like, oh my, just about the experience. Like I remember you calling me like the day you're about to go in and like you were so and I was so nervous because I didn't know what to expect like I had watched the show is originally from the UK and so I tried to find some episodes and watched that and it looked intense and I was like oh gosh but you still like don't it's it's way worse I'm going to say that like what you guys see in it's exponentially harder because it's, like, when I watch this show, I'm like, I don't even look that hard to me because I'm like, oh, it was truly like in some moments like really miserable. And so it's just funny, like going back to like what I think the fear of the unknown was what was really getting me all rotted up and then you're just in it and then you're there. And then just trying to figure it all out was a challenge. But yeah, I'm so glad I did it. Okay. That was even the next question is, did you get what you were looking for?

I definitely did. I found out I'm so much stronger than I think I am. I think when I saw the cast, there's a lot of people who are Olympians or professional athletes. And that, I was like, oh, gosh, here I go with going into like a comparison. And at first I'm like, how am I going to do this? But that's not what this show is about. Like, it's physical and mental strength. And there's going to be things that other people are going to be better at than I am.

And then I think there are moments where I find my own strength that I didn't even know I had. And that was really cool. And that is why I'm so thankful that I did it because it kind of gave me that. confidence in myself that even when this thing looks impossible or I other people have sold you know thought I couldn't do it or I didn't think I can do it like there are things that I was able to like put one step in front of the other and get it done and yeah that's something that I'm really proud of it's wild I like literally even just the commercial clip they show you guys getting dunked into the water like in the car no thank you.

I just had an issue watching Avatar because they're like swimming underwater and I like it. I get like claustrophobic and like literally seeing real people voluntarily getting submerged into water with the seatbelt in a car. I'm like, I literally told Taylor, I was like, I don't think I can watch this episode. Yeah, she was like, I can't watch it. Oh my gosh. Yeah. I mean, that was what was really cool too. I mean, you're put up against those fears that you're like, oh, absolutely not.

And you get to decide if you're going to let that. stop you. It's that like faith over fear like really put to the test because I kept telling myself like you're not going to die. You're not going to die. You can't die, right? This is a show. This is still a show. I know it doesn't feel like it, but like I'm not going to die, right? But like that it was that to that point that I was telling myself, you're not, just remember you're not going to die. It was that like intense. But I would encourage anybody to do that, that experience. Like, because it's something, first of all, money can't buy. You're never going to be, like, trained by, like, special forces and do these crazy tasks.

But also just, like, what you get out of it is really just special. Yeah, I was just going to ask, would you tell your best friend to go on this show? I would tell my best friend to go on the show. I would, absolutely. I was telling him to that it's going to suck. Yeah. Sometimes. But I think the.

the best things that you do in life are the ones that, like, in the moment, like, do kind of suck. It's the things that scare you. It's the things that scary are the things you learn the most about yourself from, even if you fail. Like, it's just pushing yourself. So, yeah, the best friend could definitely do the show. I love that. I would be like, good luck. Yeah.

Oh, my gosh. That's awesome. You're so cool. Yeah. Yeah. Well, congrats to you on that. That's just I don't know if I could ever do that. But it's just, it's wild watching that.

And you should be like so proud of yourself. Thank you. I am really proud of myself. It was honestly the thing that would take most of us out, I think, is the living situation. And not just like that was the bathroom. The task, the task I just would tell myself, you're not going to die. And like it can't last that long. But then you go back and you're like, it doesn't get any better.

It never gets better. Right. Yeah, just the bathrooms, the sleeping situation. it's 120 degrees and you have two shirts that you've just sweat it through. You don't have, you can't really clean them. Yeah. My hair after, just when I got off, I had probably like an inch thick of like sand just in my hair. I had to wash my hair so many times.

Oh my gosh. Because you were just a dirt ball. Yeah. They don't roll around in there. And you just. just kind of stay that way. Oh my gosh. This was like this was definitely not about like I want.

I'm like we look so bad. Like this is like you can tell like this is not. This is real because nobody would look like that if they weren't like having to tell themselves because they're not going to die. So you're not thinking about anything else. But yeah, it was a very humbling, empowering experience at the same time. Can only imagine. Yeah, I love that.

You got that out of it. That's so awesome. Where can we watch it? On Fox every Wednesday. Okay. Yes. On Fox, every Wednesday, 8 p.m. Easter standard time. So, yeah, you all watch.

I can't wait. It's a really cool show. I don't think there's anything like that on TV right now. And it's cool to watch everybody's stories. I watch people like in those moments of like, absolutely I cannot. I cannot do this. to decide they can and prove themselves wrong.

Yeah. I think it's just really cool. Personally, being able to watch that and my fellow recruits was really special. I think that's why we're like really bonded. Like we have a group, like we have a for real group text that we are always engaging in. And it's just I've been on multiple reality shows and this is like the closest net show. I feel like you could get because... That's so cool.

Wow. It's cool. Yeah. What a special thing. Yeah. Okay. So I want to head into our little segment. Okay.

Lemon 11. We have 11 questions to ask you. I love the number 11. Perfect. We got married on 1111, so we love 11. Yes. Sure do. Do you want to start?

Do you want to start? Sure. I'll start. Oof. Good luck with this one. All right. What movie or song title best describes your mental health? today.

Oh, God. Oh, God. That's a rough one. Movie or song title. Jesus take the wheel. Jesus takes the wheel. Yeah, probably that one. What a banger.

Yeah. Well, we're not going to go into singing that one. Taylor started singing. I was like, ooh, no, no. Taylor's was the climb, and we started singing it. That's a little more. Oh, the climb. That was a good one.

I did go with the climb. Yeah. I could, I would probably pick that one too now that I thought about it. I'm like, that's a good one. Hey, Jesus took the wheel. It's a good song. Yeah. Oh, man.

I love that. The next one is how open are you with people in your life when struggling? Well, uh, since I isolate and don't talk to anyone. It's always after. It's always after I've like gone through it. I would say with the people that are like living with me, I think there's obviously things going on. So we've got to talk about it a little bit. Yeah.

Yeah, not as open. That probably should be. Yeah. Well, because I think I'm still trying to figure out what the heck is going on. Yeah. So that's what I, my answer to this question was I'm getting better. Yes. But the reason I'm not better yet is because I feel like if I can't figure it out myself,

I don't want to like, I don't want to drag people into it when I myself, when they go, why do you feel that way? And I can't answer that question. If I can't articulate it. Why am I going to bring you into this? Yeah. So that's, yeah. I get that.

What is your favorite part of your morning or night routine? My favorite part is when I, I get to just read a like fiction book. Yeah. Probably still dissociation. It's probably still bad. Oh, shoot. But I love just that like is a great way for me to wind down.

It's a release. It's just you're just moving to a separate part of your brain. Yes. Yeah. So I love reading right before bed. And I like, it's like, I like look forward to it. Yeah. I keep telling him that we need to.

I want to like. instead of watching two episodes, watch one episode, and then we go in bed and read. Yes. Yeah, she has been pushing that. But, like, we also have, we will watch, we have, like, a thing. Like, we watch an episode or two or something, and then we go and read, and that's... Adam reads, too? Yeah.

Oh, he's a big reader. Oh, wow. Yeah, but he reads, like, he reads Smart People books. That's what I say. Right. Which, I will read Smart People books. Can you believe me? I read smart people books now.

But that's more like morning time that I'll do that. I don't find that as fun. So, but he's always reading like some book that's making him better and learning something. I don't want that as my like 15 minutes before. No. I want my mind to shut down and not challenge me. Yes. And then he does like some weird meditation.

Like he's really in like. go him. Good for Adam. But I'm reading about fairies. I love that. Hey, we gotta do what we gotta do. Okay, how has, I mean, you can again rewind this episode

to answer this question, but how has your career impacted your well-being? I think in great ways. And then there's been some, you know, harder times. But oh my gosh, I'm so thankful that, like, I've gotten to move out here all my own. Even though I didn't know anybody, like there's something like really cool about that. I think I gained my independence and my belief in myself that I can do things.

I mean, even in times when it was really hard. So I'm so thankful for everything that's happened. But yeah, there has been some mess in it. Yeah. It's been impacted for sure. No, that's what shapes you though. Number five. what is the most misunderstood thing about you?

I hate this question, by the way. I hate it. I don't know. It depends on he asked. I know. Yeah. Like, I don't know. And get somebody out here and ask me.

I think that some people maybe think I'm like a little carefree or aloof or I'm definitely not. Like I'm pretty self-aware. And I know like people are like, oh, sure. But like I'm actually to be called out. I actually like being not like it. But like I would rather be caught out than somebody, you know, think something of me and not be able to. First of all, listen to it and be like, oh, I can definitely see why you think that. Like I can definitely be a flake or a ghost, like ghost people.

But I would love to be like, totally see how that hurts you and, you know, affects you. in our relationship, but I'll also tell you like, it's honestly because I'm dealing with depression right now. Being able to really take criticism and learn from it, I think I handled that really well instead of just like, oh, it's whatever. I just am off just living my life with my dog and my boyfriend. No, like I'm very self-aware and always trying to like grow and level up.

I don't think I always have to do that on social media though. Yeah. Well, I was just going to say, like, I definitely feel like you embody that side of you, even from social media. I was, I think I was telling you, but I feel like even just following you over social media over the past couple of years, I've seen like a shift. Not necessarily a shift, but like, I don't want to say growth because not that you needed growth. But like, I feel like you see that from you on your social media. Even like you just like not being active sometimes. Yeah. Like I feel like that speaks volumes.

That says a lot, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, sometimes it's, I'm very honest. I'm like, sometimes it's because, you know, I'm just in one of my weird little episodes. But a lot of times it's just like, I don't think I always have to be a person that has to talk about everything going on. I'm having those conversations inside my house. And I'm trying to figure it out.

And I don't feel like I need everybody to know that at all times. Yeah. But does it mean. that I'm not like constantly having hard conversations with people around me because that's where you really grow. Yeah. That's the stuff that's going to further you as a human being, not comments on Instagram. Yeah.

Yeah. For sure. Next question is what is the greatest advice you have ever received? There's multiple ways to say it, but like this two shall pass and nothing lasts forever. That's great to remember when things are going great and to really cherish that moment. But also when things are tough and you feel like. like, how am I going to get out of this? Like, every time that proves me wrong, that it does get better, that there will be something

better than the way that this day feels. It won't always hurt forever. That's probably the best advice that I will continually tell myself. That was what helped me get through the special forces show was just like, nothing lasts forever. This might be really, really painful. and I can feel like I want to give up, but it'll be over. I don't know when, but it's going to be over. And I think that is kind of how I take every day in life.

I really do because sometimes it's just like minute to minute of just like, this really sucks. But maybe in another minute it might get better. So yeah, this definitely. This two shall pass. Okay, number seven. What does wellness mean to you? I think wellness for me,

means growth and acceptance. I think they're hand in hand of being able to accept where you are, but also be on the journey and the search to get a little bit better. I think that is wellness for me. Yeah. Great answer. What is your relationship with social media and do you think it affects your well-being? You're like, duh.

Yeah, I definitely affects my well-being. I'm really trying to work on my relationship with social media. I feel like when I first got on social media, I didn't understand the pressure and the eyes. And that intention versus the impact, I just posted whatever I wanted to because I didn't have anything to hide. Like, I'm a good person. And I think with just the way life, I get scared.

I'm like, I just have a different relationship with it now. And I also think with social media, like, I think it all affects our mental health. And I don't want to be the person that's affecting somebody else's mental health by like constantly being on there. Does that make sense? Like, I don't want to be a part of the problem. So I'm trying to figure out how to do it in a way, be a little bit more active than I am, but do in a way that still feels good. There's like this balance that I'm trying to figure out.

Yeah. I love the, like, my community and the people that support me. Like, it's, you know, stuck with me and are just so amazing. I'm so thankful for that. And I want to be able to show up for that community better. but I also think it's important to protect my peace and to keep that for myself too. And I do think I've done that in a way that I don't have to share all my life. You know, I think some people think that it's, I want it to be like a privilege that I want to share not as something that.

Expected. Yeah. That it's like, why haven't you posted? It's like, because I'm going through something or I don't want to. I'm on vacation. And I know you're like, but I really want to see the vacation. I'm like, well, then it's not vacation. Yeah.

And I'm also the worst at my phone and I always have been. So me being like on social media is like all my friends from back home are like, that's a joke because you're on the flight with me. I lost my phone. I had no idea. We were on the same flight to Nashville a few weeks ago. And yeah, I lost my phone. I had literally no idea.

my boyfriend has to do text for me because I'm like, oh, God, I don't even know where my phone is. It's always dead. So this is all a challenge for me, basically. We were literally three seats behind her on the flight. And the second we sat down, we texted her and said that we're right behind you. Nothing back. We land and she literally is the first person off the plane and gone. And we're like, did she not want to see?

Yes. No, I think it was a day later that I'm like, oh my gosh. I just literally went. I think I woke up and she was like, oh my gosh, I'm just seeing this. Yeah. And they're like, that is real. That is not. I love that though, like that you don't. Because oftentimes like people find their value through social media and that's like where it can get really scary. So I love that that is you. That's awesome. It's totally me. It always has been. So it's just honestly just like comical that I have like a, like, like, like, like, Like that social media is like part of my job because I don't know what the heck I'm doing. Yeah.

It's just why it's working out. But people just know like, oh, she hasn't been there for two weeks. Oh, she's fine. She's not dead. That's just normal. Oh, my gosh. I love that. Number nine, what is your favorite form of self-care?

I mean, I know I'm saying like these like reading, but it is. Yeah. Well, it seems like it. Yeah. I love like just getting like losses. in a book and it just like makes everything else. I can just think about things over and over again. And it's like when I can like get lost in a book,

like that is my favorite thing. Yeah. Yeah. It turns your brain off. Yeah. It turns my brain off. But then it like gets my imagination going and I love it. Yeah.

I love it. Okay. Number 10. Who has had the most positive impact on your mental health? I think in different seasons, different people, but I would say recently, like Adam, really, he's like such, he doesn't make me feel bad or give me any more like shame or guilt for when I'm having a hard season. Because I think that is, is what makes it so tough is I don't know really what's going on. And there's still like, even though we're having these conversations and podcasts like this is really helping people, there's still this, this weird stigma that I have like within myself of that, not even just admitting to other people, but admitting to myself that I'm struggling. I know. Yeah.

Because I think I have that like, it'll pass. We'll get through it. Just keep working. Like tough enough. Like rub some dirt on it. Keep going. and just having that acceptance of like that you do struggle with this. And like it won't, it won't last forever, but you are struggling. And he is so great at just being there for me and not making me feel any worse, not coddling me and like making it feeding into that. He's always like encouraging me. But he just, he's really good. He's kind of like this.

he's like, you're in the middle and I'm just here. Like, okay, where does she need some support? And it's so, it's so sweet. Like, sometimes I'm like, I do, why do I literally go to him. Why do you like me? I don't understand. I truly don't. But he does it.

And very thankful for that. I think having like a partner who understands. And actually like I watched him. He'll be reading like how to support your partner when they're dealing with. depression, anxiety. He's like always like researching, like, how can he be there for me? And I like, he probably doesn't even know I saw him doing that one day, but I was like, oh, that's really sweet. Oh, this guy's a winner. Wow. I know. He's great. That's so cool, so happy for you. All right, last one. Last one. If you can go back to one moment in your life,

what moment would that be and what would you say to yourself? Oh my gosh. This is not to get deep, but when just like popped in my head, when I was a little girl, I'd already started to get this like, I don't know, I cared a lot what people thought pretty early on. And I remember, I talk about this in my book, but I think about it so much.

I'm like, there's probably some drama there. I don't know, but I used to love to color and draw. And I had this, it was in first grade, and we had to paint this Easter egg, and I was like, oh, I'm going to like, do all, like, mixed colors. I wanted it to be, like, how we tie-died an Easter egg. And, of course, when I did that with the watercolors, it turned brown. And I had some of my friends at the time, they were, like, made fun of my egg.

And it killed me because before when I was color, I would, like win the contest. And I would do, I knew how to, like, color in the lines and really dark and no white spots. And with this, I took that moment to kind of just like be creative and it didn't turn out the way I wanted to. And from then on, I think I was scared to like I didn't paint or anything really after. And I would go back to that moment and like tell little Hannah like to keep creating and don't let like so stupid. Like there's a generic whatever. Yeah. Like, they don't even have a cool, like anyway.

So who cares? Like, you're brown. Hey, it's not that cute, but like it's different than everybody else's. So it seems out. Oh, my gosh. So, yeah, I would go back because I always think about, like, man, if I really would have let myself really tap into my creativity and not let, like, one little moment kind of stifle that. like what, you know, what could have been in that, in that part of my life. But, you know, I got, look, I was on Instagram the other day and I got the painting by

numbers, so we're going to try it again, guys. Oh, my gosh. Let's go. I'm back at it. I'm going to prove my brown Easter egg that, you know, I know what's up. So, yeah, that's one that I think about a lot of, like, when I do have kids, like, I really, I'm not saying my parents did anything wrong, but that would be something

that I really want to foster creativity and learning from things. And they don't go a certain way to keep trying instead of just like sticking with the thing that works. Yeah. Wow. I love that. Well, I'm excited to see what you paint. Oh, well, we know

because it's paint by numbers. It's going to be some tulips. Let's see. But let's see if it can look like the picture. And if not, it's beautiful. Yes. It's unique to me. It's beautiful. It's unique.

May I recommend some neon green or orange? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Well, thanks for squeezing us into your day. Be sure to watch Hannah's journey on Special Forces on Fox. Yes. On Wednesdays, we're so excited to see what the journey comes for you and it. And we're just so excited to have had you in here.

Oh my gosh, I'm so thankful I got to spend this time with y'all and talk about all our feelings and what we don't know and what we're trying to figure out. Yeah, we're all in it together. That's right. Thanks so much for squeezing us in. Be sure to follow, rate, and review the pod wherever you listen and subscribe to us on YouTube where we post the full videos of each episode. You can follow us on Instagram at The Squeeze, at Taye Loutner and at Taylor Lautner. And of course, check out at lemons by Tay and lemonsbytea.com for additional resources and conversations. Plus, email us at Lautner.

Dot the Squeezepodcast at gmail.com. If you have any questions you'd like us to answer on the pod, or if you'd like to share your story with the squeeze community. Most importantly, please continue to share your journey with those around you and send our show to a friend you think could use a little extra squeeze in their life. When life gives you lemons, what do you do with them? Over here at the squeeze, we talk about it. This podcast has been brought to you by Podcast Nation.