The Squeeze - Jaclyn Hill and Jordan Torrey: Addiction, Sobriety and Lipsticks Part 1

Episode Date: August 14, 2024

In this week’s exclusive episode, the Lautners are joined by Jaclyn Hill and Jordan Torrey! They start off by chatting about how their friendship began, then move on to share their personal experiences with addiction and loss. Jaclyn bravely opens up for the first time about her father's struggles with addiction and the impact it had on her upbringing, while Jordan shares his journey through grief after losing his brother to opioid addiction. Together, they explore the feelings of responsibility and guilt that often accompany trying to help loved ones suffering from addiction, and the vital importance of setting boundaries for your own well-being. They also discuss how therapy has been a critical tool in their healing journeys and offer advice and tools for anyone navigating the challenges of addiction and grief. Check back here next week for part 2 of the episode, where Jaclyn and Jordan open up for the first time around makeup, lipsticks, drinking, alcoholism, sobriety, and so much more.Be sure to follow Jaclyn https://instagram.com/jaclynhill/ and Jordan https://instagram.com/farnumgrindtime/If you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, check out these resources:https://releaserecovery.com/https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helplineTo email us your questions or share your story, you can reach out to [e-mail] sure to rate, review, and follow the podcast so you don't miss an episode! Plus, follow us on Instagram:The Squeeze: https://instagram.com/thesqueeze/Tay Lautner: https://instagram.com/taylautner/Taylor Lautner: https://instagram.com/taylorlautner/& TikTok: https://tiktok.com/@thesqueezepodcastTo learn more from The Lemons Foundation, follow https://instagram.com/lemonsbytay/ and visit lemonsbytay.comEpisode Sponsors:Right now, you can get an exclusive 10% off your first order at thrivecausemetics.com/THESQUEEZE.Right now, Tonal is offering our listeners $200 off your Tonal purchase with promo code SQUEEZE at Tonal.com.To learn more about therapy with NOCD, go to nocd.com and schedule a free 15-minute call with their team.Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Auto-hure with Sunny Cars feels as if the children Not me be seen. Kiselstramble. Zand-Wa. Actis-verkeer. Vendantanxia can chaotic but who zorgalos

an auto-hurt says Oneo dos no stress. No own-verwachted costs. Always full-ledged. So, auto-huees-on-sorger Go to your raceadviseur or sunnycars.

It's almost like you wake up one day and you're like, oh my God, how did I get to this point? Addiction is no strength. to either of you. My heart's raising. This is such a heavy topic. I was like 14 and I had no clue.

My dad was giving me Xanax as a young girl. It got so dark, you guys. I've forgiven him because I know his addiction was so bad. He was taking over 50 narcotics a day. What? Father, my ex-husband, my best friend growing up, are all gone because of addiction, because of substance abuse. And it just sucks so bad because I feel like the most magnificent,

sparkly people are the ones that have to deal with this. To this day, when I hear about it, those things. I'm like, damn, I wish I could have gotten that. Everything you've gone through. Yeah. And you're very brave for doing this right now. Thanks, Taylor. Yeah. When life gives you lemons, what do you do with them? Over here at the squeeze, we talk about it. Hey, guys, welcome back to my channel. On today's video, Jacqueline, Jordan. Taylor. Welcome to the squeeze. Woo! Hey. A long time coming. Yes.

Truly, we had. Literal years. Yeah, we had to get you guys to move here to do this podcast. Literally. So funny. But it feels, it feels right this way. Yeah. Yeah. You know?

It does. It was all meant to be. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, I actually can't imagine like us of doing this like a year ago. I agree. Would have been a very different conversation. Yeah. For those.

Oh, yeah. Back story. Listening that don't know in the last. Well, okay. We met originally. Yeah. What, like a year and a half? Yeah.

Mike Nike's way. To whatever that was. Yeah. Years ago. But as of recently, within the last few months, Jacqueline and Jordan have moved literally 10 minutes away from us. Fun fact, we also found their house. Yeah, I was going to say, I don't know if you're going to try to keep a humble.

I was like, I'm definitely going to thank that. It's a lot of reality. Yeah, literally. No, we were so, when we found out that they were considering moving out here, we were like, okay, you know what we need. do. We need to find them the house and that will seal the deal. Yeah. Yeah. They won't have any other choice. And we were shocked. Signed sealed and delivered. We were shocked because you guys literally were like, oh, we'll go look at a house for you tomorrow. And we were like, whoa, this is so

nice of that. Look. We looked at three. Three. That's three. Thank God. He didn't think that was creepy. Because like, excuse me. But he was literally so excited. He's like, Jordan said they're going to come out here. We were going to go look at houses. I was like, great. Sign me up. You know, it really was like you guys matched our energy because we're the kind of friends that like when we click with people, we immediately are like, let's go above and beyond. Yeah. And you guys did that for us and we're like, oh, hell yeah. Family. We're family now.

Yeah, super refreshing. We just knew. I've never said this to you guys. But I think the moment that we knew that we just loved you guys was when we drove you somewhere at the wedding. Yeah, I was broke in the back seat. Yeah, back to the hotel afterwards. And you guys were like in the back. And, you know, it was maybe a little weird for a second because we didn't know you guys.

But by the end of the car ride, we were like, they're great. Yeah. That's how we felt. No, we felt the same way. Literally. We were back into the hotel room. They were so cool. I'm so glad you feel that way because I was so drunk in the back seat of your car.

I was like, the next day I was like, dude thinks that they like knew I was drunk. He's like, no, you were good. No. I didn't. This was a welcome reception party that we went to. So everyone was drinking, except you who was driving. But that was. Yeah.

And that's like very out of the norm for you to like want to offer that too. Like I mean, you're very kind and you do a lot of things for people. But people, he doesn't know, like into his space, like into like a car where you're like everyone's. Could be my actual nightmare. Yeah. For sure. People in your personal space. Well, we bonded on some things before that because we talked about like the game night things.

I was like, oh, we love game night. I throw a game night. And then obviously the cooking and then... Wait, we have to do a game night still. We still have not done a game night. That's straight to jail. Straight to jail. That's crazy.

I know. What are we doing here? I know. Ends podcast. We got to go play some games. And then honestly, our timeline, like, you guys started dating like a couple months before we did. And then you got engaged a couple months before we did. And you got married a couple months before we did.

So it was just like, whoa. It was cool. It was so incredible to meet a couple of our age because it's something that we generally. you only have talked about for so long, hoped and prayed for. Yeah. And you guys just like where you stand morally, what you want out of life, just like your future aligns with ours so perfectly. Yeah.

So moving literally five minutes away from you guys, we were like, wow, this is just literally an answer to prayers. Yeah. Oh. What a gift. Awesome. I love that. Thanks, guys.

We invited you here just to make us feel better or better. Yeah. And we're happy to do so. You know it. I want to know how, how are you liking L.A. thoughts, feelings, opinions, Are you happy you did it? I wouldn't go back if you paid me too.

I love it here. Okay. Yeah. It's amazing. I don't. So, okay, so I'll give a different answer. I don't love L.A. Yeah.

But I love being outside of L.A. Yeah. I love it. The area that we're in, I love so, so much. But once you get into L.A., the traffic is insane. You can't get a dinner reservation. That part's crazy. Yeah.

So a lot of people are like, why did you move to L.A.? It's like because our businesses are here, but also, like, we're... It's not L. We're not in L.A. A lot of people live in, not like L.A., but like live all like around it. And that's what's, that's what's doable. L.A. area. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. L.A. County. But people, people ask us that all the time. They're like, how do you live out there? I'm like, it's not, it's not what you think. No. Come to the mountain. The weather. The weather is just like every day. We've been here for four months. It's going to be four months in two days. Oh, wow. Yeah. It's going so fast. I'm still every day. I know it's 90 degrees right now. now and everyone's like, it's so hot. But even with this heat, it's nothing compared to Florida. Because you guys are used to like. Yeah.

It's like every morning. I'm like, are you kidding me? We live here. This is crazy. I know don't come for free though. I know that California tax is going to smack us right in the face. Yeah. That is true.

We can't forget citrus got real. Oh, I did forget it. All right. So we're going to go back just a little bit because we start each episode. Citrus got real. It's such a good play out of words. We start each episode with a segment called Citrus Got Real, which is in this jar, we have questions. So if you wouldn't mind, maybe each just pulling one?

Absolutely. Sort of an icebreaker? Yes, even though it's already broke. I feel good, guys. I feel good. I'm not nervous anymore. Oh, drum roll. You go first, baby.

I think we should switch. Okay. I haven't even seen mine. No, read it. I'll trust you. Right. If you could use only one skincare product for the rest of your life. Oh, hilarious.

I'm going to just say one random thing in general and it's moisturizer. I was going to say SPF. Yeah. I would say an SPF that also is a moisturizer. Yeah. Just for obvious reasons. I literally couldn't do my makeup without moisture. She definitely thinks we planted that question, by the way.

If you could open a store and only sell one item, what would it be? Oh, my gosh. Moistriser. No. Keep her coming back. Keep her coming back. Wait, was I supposed to answer it? Well, we all kind of just answered.

Okay. Oh my God, I got nervous there. Okay. I was like, I screwed up already. Oh, I cut you guys off. Go ahead. What's your one's skincare? That's probably what I would say

because it's the only thing I use. Okay. There you go. I'm trying to think of something outside of the box. Cleenser? Oh, that's a good one. Recently I've been loving,

I don't remember the name. It's from talking. to Harper, but it's like a, it's like a brightening. Yeah. Serum. Vitamin C. And I, it's not there, it's not, I'll show you after. Okay. But, because I scar really scarred really easily because of my skin tone. And it's actually really lightened to the scarring like over this past month. Yeah, it's working with like, like I've seen it. So that's how I lightened up my freckles. I used to be a freckle face. People are like shocked when I show old photos covered in freckles. Oh, wow. Now I kind of

miss them. But I used like a lot of products for brightening and my freckles literally disappeared. Oh, wow. Oh, I need that. I got you, baby. Mine would be cow fat. You didn't think I'm crazy, but I used beef tallow on my face. No, no. No, he's serious. Okay.

Yeah. It's supposed to be like the best moisturizer ever. I mean, your skin is looking nice. The lights like the- A little glowing, right? It rates a 100 out of 100 on the Yucca app. So it's like as clean as it can get. Oh.

Very good for your skin. So you use it as a moisturizer? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. And it smells good. They put like essential oils in it. Beef tallow.

I looked up like the actual benefits of it and it's incredible. So that's like as clean as you can get. Yeah. And because like they're also mammals for some reason like the fat assimilates in your face better. So you absorb it way more. And it's just like super moisturizing. Look at us running out to buy beef tallow. Rubbing it off.

Wow, versatile. So would that be your product you would sell in your store? I'm selling beef. Would you actually sell beef, baby? I could be a meat guy, yeah. I could be a meat guy. Come on, guys. Everyone here is way too business brain to say beef.

You got to think of something that everybody needs. That way you can stay in business. Yeah. I'm definitely not going to say lipsticks. Or maybe I would. We'll get into that later. I would sell seasonings for food. Yes.

Love that. On brand. Love that. I would sell makeup. I would. But all jokes. One product, though. So crap.

Oh, it's one product. So it really can't be lipstick. I'm upset now because I would say lipstick. I'm going to say pass. I'm just going to take a cold hard pass at this one. Okay, I'll go sports memorabilia. Oh. Okay.

Yeah. That's good. Because I would just enjoy walking around the store and admiring everything. Oh, my gosh. I like that. It's giving retirement plan. I literally just got a cute little vision of him as an old man walking around a shop. You're like, oh, yeah, my Barry Sanders.

Oh, it's sweet. That's so cute. I'm not going to have a better answer than that one. Okay, so you're going to pass on that too? Yeah. All right. I'll pass on that one. All right.

I get it. Good answers all around. So if you guys are watching this on YouTube or if you have seen any social clips, you know that I'd like to be comfortable. I'm a majority of the time in sweats or on. and baggy jeans. I just go for comfort. And that tends to roll into how I do my makeup.

I always love a more natural look. I also just don't really know what I'm doing when it comes to makeup. So that is why the natural look is just kind of my go-to. But I've been looking to kind of refresh my products because everything is kind of like dwindling down to like the last drops. And I was asking my makeup artist recently who just absolutely crushes it. I trust her product advice with my heart and soul. But I was asking her for some companies, some products that she recommends that I could use as a little bit of a refresh in what my routine is.

And she recommended some products from Thrive Cosmetics. And if you guys don't know what Thrive Cosmetics is, this company is doing so good in this world. They are bigger than beauty. For every product that you purchase, you donate to help a woman thrive, which thrive cosmetics. Women that are emerging from homelessness, surviving domestic abuse, fighting. cancer and so many more things. They believe that changing the world starts with a single ingredient. So with that in mind, they are vegan. 100% cruelty-free formulas containing proven ingredients without the use of paribans and sulfates, which it's so cool when you get to

find a makeup product that feels good when you're using it, but also while you're using it, you know that you gave back to women that are in need and help them thrive. One of the products that my makeup artist recommended that I've been using and you guys like actually need to get your hands on. It's insane. Is the liquid lash extensions mascara? You guys, this mascara is you just like need to try.

I don't really like have words. But it has nourishing ingredients in it. It supports longer, stronger and healthier looking lashes over time. And I have just been loving this mascara. It's so simple to use that someone like me who doesn't know how to put makeup on professionally can use. But also my makeup artist who is,

is a professional gloves and uses. So refresh your everyday look with Thrive Cosmetics, luxury beauty that gives back. Right now you can get an exclusive 10% off your first order at ThriveCosmetics.com slash the squeeze. That's Thrive Cosmetics, C-A-U-S-E-M-E-T-I-C-S dot com slash the squeeze for 10% off your first order. You guys enjoy.

I am somebody that truly just thrives off of getting things done. Having a checklist and being able to check a box or cross that item off my to-do list, it is truly what I'm my favorite things. And then, yes, if you're like me and you thrive on getting stuff done, including workouts, every minute counts, that's why you need Tonal. The smart strength training system that takes the guesswork out of working out so you can make sure that you're making the most of every rep. Tonal is the world's smartest and most effective strength training system that helps get you stronger powered by AI. Tonal learns with every rep so it can deliver workouts personalized just for you.

Tonal learns your movements and provides suggested weight recommendations for every move with detailed progress reports. They even create personalized programs and suggestions or recommendations based off of your individual goals. It's like having a personal trainer at home with you as Tonal will optimize every workout just for you. And unlike traditional gym equipment, Tonal uses adaptive, digital weight to advance your training techniques. From professional athletes to a mama three,

Tonal is trusted by thousands who have become their strongest. Right now, Tonal is offering our listeners $200 off your tonal purchase with promo code squeeze. That's tonal.com and use code squeeze for $200 off your purchase. Do you want to just dive in? I think we should just dive in. Let's do it. Because we have a lot of topics to. cover today. Great. So I know this is going to... We locked you in here. I know this is going to feel like we're just kind of diving in, but since we have so much to discuss, I feel like we should just start somewhere that I know both of you can relate to. And that topic is addiction. I know, you know, addiction is no stranger to either of you. You've both lost loved ones.

and people you care about to addiction. And addiction is so complex and just so many layers to it, which we certainly will get into. But before we do that, I just wanted to start for both of you with when was your first like introduction to addiction, like in what that is in your life, George, you can start. Yeah. It would have been my older brother, rest in peace. But when you're younger, I don't think you grasp the concept of addiction. You know what I mean?

So like when you're younger, it's just like you just see all these like red flags and like somebody that you love kind of just changing before your eyes. Yeah. And he was like the only person in my life at that time that was getting, you know, hooked on things and succumbing to, that, but also like the opioid crisis in like the early 2000s, like hit all of my friends in the neighborhood that I grew up in, like, all of his friends, him, you know, so many of my like childhood friends have passed away from it. It's like pretty insane, yeah. How much older was your brother? Ten years. Okay. Ten years. So, yeah, it was like, I watched literally like two age groups just literally just get obliterated by opioids. It was absolutely insane. So my brother was

the first one though and before I could like kind of wrap my head around what exactly was happening it was just like what is happening yeah you know so that that's my first experience right yeah I want to preface this by saying that my heart is pounding out of my throat right now because I've never talked about this I'm so lightheaded I've never talked about this publicly in my career it's kind of like um you can hear my voice shaking it's kind of like skeleton it's kind of like skeleton in my closet that I've had for the last 13 years because I've never opened up about. Just the addiction that's followed me ever since I was a little girl in my life. So I'll open up with you guys now.

I mean, what better, right? Like I also feel like it has to be said that I've waited for there to be a safe enough space such as this one to have this conversation. That's why I told them that I was comfortable having this conversation on here because I trust them and they're such good friends and good people. and I love what, you know, the Lemon's Foundation is all about and your podcast. So thank you for having me and having me be so open and vulnerable. And to anyone watching, I just have to say that this is my first time talking about this out loud publicly.

And I'm very scared. And please just like listen to me with grace because I really don't know how to cope about this in the right way. But I do hope that one day I can help other girls who have been in relationships with family members and friends and spouses who are dealing with addiction. That's something that I would love to do down the line. And I do feel like I'm finally ready to talk about it a little bit. Yeah. It's something that Jordan and I also can relate to because he did lose his brother to addiction and watched him struggle for all those years.

I was first introduced to addiction through my father. He was in a life-changing accident when I was seven years old. I was born and raised on a farm and I was homesick with the flu. And I would never forget seven years old. My mom getting a phone call and just losing her mind. My dad was on his way to the Quad Cities. He was a farmer. Did I mention that?

My dad was a farmer. For generations and generations, my family was always farmers. He was a really good one, a really successful farmer. And on his way to the city one day when it was snowing, and a semi came across the median and hit him 120 miles an hour head on, smashed his car so badly that when the police got to the scene, they didn't even check his car because they just presumed that whoever was in that car, they did not make it.

They were dead. And the outcome of that was, I mean, basically every bone in my dad's body was shattered. His hip bone was sticking out of his skin like he was mangled. And he was in surgery for almost 18 hours, I think it was. And somehow they managed to save his legs, although one was three inches shorter than the other. And inside it was all metal, metal everything. And so because of that, we lived in Illinois. My dad was a farmer.

He was told that he would never walk again. By the grace of God, he did walk again. And that was a big part of his testimony. Was never able to run or walk fast. Walked with a cane majority of the time. But he was able to walk and get out of that wheelchair. But we moved to Florida because his legs would freeze in the winter because of the metal. Metal detectors at airports became a huge thing.

We'd always have to like put aside 30 minutes because my dad would have to go into a separate room and like strip so that they could like do all the things because his legs would go off. We moved to Florida very quickly because his legs would freeze and cause excruciating pain. And as you can imagine with an accident that brutal, the pain medication that was prescribed to him was never ending. He had already struggled with addiction. He was in and out of AA and dealt with that in a real way. My parents went through a lot of trouble before I was born. He got clean. I felt like I was like his second chance at being a father because he really wasn't there in a lot of ways for my brother.

and sister because of his alcoholism. And I was seven years after my sister. So he had gotten clean and been through the program. And so he felt like, this is my second chance. And so there was a lot of favoritism with me because of that. So as my father was developing this horrible addiction to painkillers and opiates, he also had this very strange connection with me because I was his second chance. So I felt growing up like I got the brunt of it.

It was more so like, oh, your brother and sister, they don't have to have a strict curfew and they can do what they want. But me, it was like he was like obsessed with me, obsessed with like controlling me, obsessed. Like it became a very codependent relationship. And so in turn, I tried to fix my dad. I wanted to fix his addiction. It got so dark, you guys. So when I was younger, I was struggle with panic attacks really, really bad. I still remember my first one.

in the mall out of nowhere. My hand just like cramped up and my heart was racing. I thought I was going to pass out. I ran home and my dad was like take this. It'll help you. It helps me. And I did not know until like eight years later that he was giving me Xanax. Oh wow. And I was like 14. And he was, it's like I feel bad even talking about this. But I talked to my family about like, can I talk about my dad for the first time ever? Can I talk about our dad? And can I talk about, you know, your ex-husband to my mom and they're like, yes, you have permission. Because at the end of the day, we know that he's up there right now, wanting people to know his mistakes

because that's how you learn. That's how you empower and that's how you help. So my heart's raising. This is such a heavy topic. You're doing good. Am I? Yeah.

It's so hard. So yeah, it was later in life when I started hanging out with a bad crowd that I was like, wait a second. I know what that pill is. My dad used to give me that pill. And I had no clue

that my dad was giving me Xanax as a young girl to help. with my panic attacks. Like, it's insane. Yeah. I've forgiven him for that, though, because I know his addiction was so bad, you guys, it was so bad.

He went through so many programs trying to get clean. But at one point, I mean, he was taking over 50 narcotics a day. What? Every day. Yeah. It was so awful. This obviously led to divorce. And what's so sad, you guys, is that my whole family has, we've always still to this day

were like, my dad was the best dad. Whatever dad you can imagine is like the coolest guy. Like he was the coolest. Like he was the coach of every team. He was the pastor at our local youth group, you know, on the farm. Everyone loved him. He was the man. You know, he was like super successful. He always just was like the guy. He walked in the room and everybody was like, jam. Like he was like so much fun. And then we just watched substance just deteriorate him and just take our dad from us like little by little and he just started acting out physically and emotionally in ways that was so confusing as a teenager to watch it happen like where is my dad going and then you know I wanted to fix him I wanted to fix the problem my parents started going through a divorce for obvious reasons

it was getting really bad it was getting physical it was way past emotional abuse at this point it was me my mom at home alone my brother and sister were married and out of the house and I was watching him do things to her and myself that were just so awful. Cops were being called, you know, it was just, he was in jail a couple of times. It was just so, oh my God, I can't believe I'm talking about this because, like, I've literally never, ever talked about this. This is so hard. Oh, and I'm so hard to be, like, I'm so scared to be judged for, which I know is so silly,

because, like, why is that stigma there? There's nothing to judge here. Yeah. It's so hard. Anyways, so amongst all of that, I lost two friends. high school to drug addiction. Wow. Went to two funerals.

Watch them as I'm seeing what my father is doing, as I'm seeing the ambulance be called all the time. My mom's trying to protect me locking me in the room while she's, I can hear ambulance out there. I can hear my dad screaming. My dad trying to withdraw in dangerous ways because he'd have these moments where he's like, I'm going to stop and he tried a cold turkey. And it's like, it was just so

it was so hard to watch. So I finally got to the point around 17 years old where I'm like, screw you, dad. you know and it's like really inside i'm a young kid like hello i'm 17 years old what can i do but like in my 17 year old mind you know it's like i'm angry at him and he's not going to change for me and at that time i met my ex-husband john who also struggled with substance abuse and my mindset was very much if i can't fix my dad i can fix this one yeah and i just went from him to him and i don't want to talk to in depth about him because he's no longer here.

My father, my ex-husband, my best friend growing up, are all gone because of addiction, because of substance abuse. I don't want to go too in depth, although my ex-husband was very, very vocal about his issues and that's something that he was very passionate about. He wanted so badly to one day write a book and it's just so sad that this, yeah. It's so sad that, you know, it just lost. He lost.

You know, he didn't get to see that through. And it just sucks so bad because I feel like the most magnificent, sparkly people are the ones that have to deal with this. I was just going to say, like, myself and, you know, I've had family struggle with addiction and, you know, some family members that are still, like, knee deep in it. And I, you know, don't see them and talk to them because they're in that. it just, it's always those people. And, you know, it would just be so much easier if they were assholes. And it would be so much easier if they weren't good people. But it's just like, I just feel like addiction truly goes after like the people that have that sparkle.

Like the people that have that heart. The same with Jason. I say it all the time about my brother. Because she never met my brother. But I'm just like, if you think I'm cool, like you should have met my brother. Like you would have fell in love with my brother because my brother is just the, he was my hero. He's like my idol, you know what I mean? So yeah.

And it really does. Like I feel like it just, it just hits like the super talented like a type personality, special, sparkly people. The people that on paper you never would, you know, guess. It just doesn't make sense, man. I don't get it. But it's like, yeah, it's insane. It's awful. And so, you know, and I know it's common.

And I went from my dad to, you know, my ex-husband. And we dated for a very short period of time. And my dad was like, if you move out with him, if you move into an apartment together, I will not pay for a wedding. I will not see this relationship. I won't support this relationship. You know, it's like amongst everything that he had put us through. This is where his head was at.

I'm like, okay. So we're going to get married. So we got married, planned a wedding in six weeks, so that my dad would approve. because even amongst all of this, I still cared so much about my father's approval. Yeah. And my dad at this point was just so far gone in his illness and in this disease of addiction. But I just so badly wanted my dad to love me.

I wanted him to walk me down the aisle. I wanted him to approve of something. And then shortly right after my marriage to my ex-husband, I had to completely cut my father off. I actually had to file for a restraining order. And then that thing's just, that's when everything happened with my ex-husband. And I just want to rewind really quickly to how this was of this was something that whenever my ex would get clean, he would have a passion in his heart to help people through this because that's who he was. Right.

It really is a disease. It overcomes. It overtakes. And I don't think that anybody is too good for it. And that leads me to what I went through because when I started drinking really heavily, I got to the place where I looked at myself in the mirror and I was like, it's happening to me. And I lost all judgment that I've ever had towards people who struggle with addiction. Yeah.

Because I got a taste of that and I like my heart softened so much for what these people went through. Yeah. It's just, it's so awful. It's so easy to just be like, well, why? Because I remember like that was, well, as a child when my first introduction to addiction was, it was with my cousin who had overdose on heroin and his friends tried to like wake him up with water and he had like

breathed in water so he was in like fully like ICU. I mean he did very much OD but my parents took me to see him like as a nine year old and it was my first time in an ICU like seeing all these tubes in him and all of these things and I remember being like why did he why didn't he why did he do that? Like why didn't he just stop? And I feel like that is as a nine year old like that is a common thought. But even like as full grown adults, that's such like a stigma around

addiction is like it's, you can't like sometimes like people are able to do it. But it's like, it's just, it's so complex. Yeah. And there's just so many different like layers. It's so complex. And so many people feel they need to hide it. Yeah. You know, I mean, the 99% of people are not a professional. I'm just throwing that number out there, but like everyone, even me, you know, talking about not drinking anymore, the amount of people, you know, content creators, celebrities, friends, friends of friends who reached out to me and been like, I'm in the program. I too have an alcohol problem. Like, whoa, I would have never thought.

But it's like everyone feels the need to hide it. It's like everyone's ashamed. Yeah. I feel like if we would start talking about it more from every perspective, from the, the codependence perspective, you know, the spouse's perspective, if everyone would just start opening up about this a little bit more, I think that we could get to a better place. And it's crazy how many people actually, like, are, whether it, like, is, whether you've gone through it, whether it is your spouse, a friend, a family member, like, everyone, it's, it's

a very common thing. Yes. Yeah. I feel like, yeah, everybody can relate to it in some way of the spider web. Yeah. This episode is brought to you by No CD. Have you ever had recurring unwanted thoughts? pop into your head that you just can't shake.

Maybe it's a concern about your health, a fear of something happening to a loved one, or a disturbing image that keeps relaying in your mind. Thoughts like these can feel uncomfortable and cause a lot of distress. And if you've ever dealt with them, you might have wanted the anxiety to just go away. So maybe you tried to do whatever you could to get rid of it. Thinking that if you asked for reassurance, checked in on whatever you were worried about, or try to avoid anything that might trigger the thoughts, it would help. But no matter what you did and how much time you spent on it,

the thoughts remained all-consuming and anxiety just kept coming back stronger. If you can relate, you aren't alone. These could actually be signs of obsessive-compulsive disorder or OCD. But it's common for people to overlook them or dismiss them as general anxiety because they think OCD is just about organizing or hand-washing, and that's a major misconception. The truth is, OCD can latch onto anything that matters to you, and whatever it affects, it's serious.

But with the right kind of therapy, it's also highly treatable. OCD needs specialized therapy, though, because other forms of therapy aren't typically effective, even ones like talk therapy. That's where no CD comes in. NoCD is a virtual therapy provider for OCD that makes getting specialized therapy easier than ever. They have licensed therapists trained in exposure and response prevention or ERP therapy, the most proven OCD treatment, who can help you take the power away from OCD

in live face-to-face video therapy sessions. NoCD accepts many major insurance plans and offers always on support between sessions. To learn more about therapy with NoCD, go to NoCD.com and schedule a free 15-minute call with their team. That's N-O-C-D.com to learn more and book a free 15-minute call. But for me, I have not, you know, experienced anything close to what both of you have.

But Tay and I were talking last night about the complexities of it and, like, the layers of how deep and complicated addiction can get. And for me, it seems like it would sometimes be the toughest to be. the person, the brother, the, the wife, the friend. Because you start to develop this, you love these people. You care about them. Yeah, absolutely. So you start to develop this, you know, savior thing within yourself. Yep. Where, you know, all you want to do is help them. All you want to do is save them. But you're shown over. over and over again that it's not working. So then you tell yourself, well, if I stop helping them, they're just going to fail.

Yep. And it's going to be my fault. And then it's going to be my fault. So you attach this guilt to what could happen. And it's like when and how do you draw that line? We both had to do it. Yeah. Hard lines. Yeah. Yeah, I had to do it. My brother. We actually weren't talking. when you passed away, which is... Really? Yeah, it's unfortunate, but...

It's that line. It's so crazy how, like, somebody can just completely change. Like, I'm not kidding. Like, my brother was just, like, All-Star, like, Prom King, like, baseball player. Like, he was that guy. And then it's, like, when he would get back on the bottle and start dabbling in pills and stuff, it was literally somebody that I just, I was scared of, quite frankly. Like, you know, I was 14, 15, 16 years old, you know, and it's just like, I don't even recognize this, dude.

What the hell? Where'd my brother go? Yeah. And as I got older, like, it just, it got worse and worse and worse. And my brother wasn't the guy who struggled his whole life. Like, my brother would get sober for six months or a year. And then, like, rebuild his entire life and get an amazing job. Yeah, he was, like, training NFL players and tennis players and athletes.

and have this crazy job. He would just be so successful. And then he would just like literally take one sip, dude. And it was just like all gone. And then he would go on a bender for like a year and then get sober again. And it was it was a roller coaster. So it was a constant battle. It was like, yeah, dude.

Like I have this like horrible memory. Like I'll never forget it. I was in my mom's car. My little sister's in the backseat. And my mom had bought this powder. and apparently like if the person drank this powder, if they drank alcohol, it would like make them throw up. Like I had this like reaction and make them sick. And I remember my mom gave this powder to my brother's girlfriend and she was on the phone and she was like, please like put this in

his orange juice in the morning. Like it'll make him so he can't drink. And I just remember his girlfriend being like I can't like I'm scared. Like I'm scared to do that. And then my mom just like bawling her eyes out in the car. It's just like, what that was? going on. You know what I mean? It's just like, I just unlimited stories, which I'm sure so many people who have dealt with somebody who struggles with addiction can relate to because it wasn't until later in life when I had like seen other friends start struggling with it where I'm like, whoa, you guys all change and you all do like these like very similar out of character things. I told Jack that it's like it's almost like they go to like a class and it's like they're like,

this is how you act. Right. When you're on it. It's a disease. It takes you over. It's like, yeah. I mean, it's insane, dude. Yeah. Yeah. I used to not think it was a disease.

I was like, that's a cop out. Just stop. Right. Stop drinking. It's a choice. You're making a choice. Grow up. Yeah.

And then I very much, now that I'm 34 years old and have been through what I've been through with everybody, I'm like, this is a disease. Yeah. And they don't want that. These people in my life, my best friend, my dad, my ex, they did not want that for themselves. They were better than that. Yeah.

And it like sunk its teeth into them. And it's true. They do things so out of character. And it's just, who are you? Yeah. Trying so hard to love you. I'm trying so hard to help you. But who are you?

Why would you do this to me? And then it's like it becomes a me thing. You don't love me. Why are you doing this to me? And after years and years and years of that, it's like, okay, so you don't want me anymore. And it's like, this is not about you. Yeah. They're doing this to you because of them.

You are just in their space right now and they need to get clean. But they'll only get clean and change not only if they want to, but if they have the strength to. It's so. Yeah. I can talk about this forever. Yeah. It's such a hard subject. It's so deep.

It's so, it's so sad. It's so sad. Because as much of a disease that it is, you are getting hurt by it. Oh, yeah. You are catching the straight bullets. Yeah. You are taking a lot of the pain. And that's the hard part because then, you know, once again, when do you stand up and protect yourself?

Yeah. That's the question, right? My therapist looked at me and said it's either your life or his. Which one are you going to choose? Because you just, you're sinking into it. Yeah. And I think that's how it is. No matter if it's a spouse, if it's a best friend, if it's a sister, if it's a mom and dad, it's just when you're really, really close to someone, it gets to that point. Yeah. And if they are saying, you know, I want to change, but yet they refuse to go to rehab and they refuse to know that they have a problem, they're not going to change. It's not going to change. And I think that was the hardest part for me with everybody that I had in my life was just being like,

okay, I have to listen to what they're saying and accept it instead of trying to force them to get better. Because they are telling me by their actions that they don't want to change, you know? where it's like same thing with all them they would go to rehab you know three four five six times and they get out and they go back to the substance within 24 hours you know i'd be like okay let's do it again let's do it again let's do it again come on but it's like do the are there actions showing that they want this or not yeah yeah you know it's just how did you finally get to that point of being like setting that boundary that's such oh it's so hard you know at the end of the day i don't think you

ever actually fully set, like a solid boundary. Because like Taylor said, like, you love these people, right? And it's like, I can't be around. Like, for me, just personally speaking, for my brother, it would just get, like, so toxic and, like, scary to me because, and it would hurt me because it's like, I love this guy. It's like, I idolize this dude my whole life. And I would just literally have to be like, I can't talk to you, bro. Like, I can't talk to you until you're sober.

And I would just have to tell them straight up And being like a 16, 17 year old kid Telling your, you know, 26, 27 year old brother that It's like that's tough. Yeah. You know? But it's like if he needed help, I'm there. So it's like, is there actually like there's kind of a boundary?

But also it's like I'm still here for you. And you know what I mean? It's like you're still like you got a pull you. You know what I'm saying? You got a pulse on them. But yeah, I don't know. I think for me, the point in my person. journey of when I set the boundaries with everybody. This is not just one person, but everybody is

when everyone around me was like, what are you doing? Everyone around me was like, enough. You need to, your dad needs to be out of your life. You know what I'm saying? Like these people, this is too far. You know, friends and families started seeing like physical abuse happening and just things, horrible things. Yeah. You know, and it's like you have to, it's almost like you wake up one day and you're like, oh my God, how did I get to this point? And then you have this inner battle. because you're like, I want to help them. I want to save them. And that's all you want.

That's it. But if they don't want it for themselves, it is not going to happen. You know, so it gets the point where it's like, here are several numbers to rehabs. You have my number. You call me if you are ready for help.

Otherwise, I can't be in your life. Because next thing you know, you start enabling it and you start making excuses for it. And then it's like, and then, you know, the toxic actions start happening and you're just like,

okay, it's just another bad day. Okay. Okay, we're going to get through this. And it's like you're both just drowning. It's like you've weights tied around your ankles in the deep end. And it's like someone has to come up for air. It's like you got to put your mask on first to breathe. Yeah.

You know, get that breath so that you are there and you are strong and you are able-bodied for when and if that time comes that they're ready to save themselves and they truly need help. You're like, okay, I've got you now. I'm here. Yeah. And unfortunately for a lot of people in my life, that didn't happen.

Yeah. Something that you just mentioned and then something that, you know, we've talked about in private is those therapy sessions. And I just think it's so, I'm going to get emotional thinking about you. I think it's so, it's so powerful yet like devastating because it's so real, like having to have that conversation with a therapist being like it is your life or theirs, like knowing that, you know, if I leave this person, if I put, you know, this boundary, if I, you know, do what I need to do and separate myself from this human. like there is going to be a chance that they fail and that is most likely going to be the outcome.

And I know that's something that a lot of people face and what keeps a lot of people stuck in these situations. Do you have any advice or words for someone that, you know, is in that same situation right now that you were once in and just like feeling just so helpless and kind of just like out of fork in a road? Oh my gosh. Words of advice that I would have for somebody that's going through this. Or something that you, like, thought of that helped you through or just like what that, you know, what that time was like. Yeah. I would say, and this is regarding all of it, like all, all three people, right? Like in this moment, I'm not just thinking about my dad or I'm not just thinking about my ex or my friend thinking about all of it.

I would love to be able to talk to myself, you know, to. 10 years ago and just say like, I promise you that there is life outside of this. I promise you that it doesn't always have to be like this, that you don't have to feel that this pain every single day. Because going from my dad to my friend to my ex, it's like for, I would say 20 years straight of my life, I was in survival mode and like savior mode every day of my life every day. And the exhaustion and the toll that that takes on you, I mean, I went through therapy for eight years with my therapist just for addiction, all different forms of therapy.

Hypnosis, talk therapy, EMDR, neurofeedback. Like, I was doing everything I possibly can just to try to work through this. Because as you can imagine, there's a lot deep inside of me. And there's some really dark belief systems because of this, you know? And it's like, and I did make a lot of it about me at times, which I can admit now. you know like why would you do this to me why would my dad do this to me me me me me me me me and it's like girl it's not about you and that's something that i would like to say to my younger self is like this is not about you this is not a reflection on you stop making it about you stop making it about

their love for you they do love you as much as they possibly can and as much as they know how but they're sick and they need help they that's what it comes down to they need help it's like you're not going to stand over someone dying in a hospital bed and be like why don't you love me yeah yeah you know that's so real that's so real That's a really good analogy. So I wish that I could hear my future self say that to me when I was young. They need help. And they're not going to get help unless they want it.

And that's the hardest part because you're like, well, if I walk away, what's going to happen to them? You have to love yourself enough to walk away and just get yourself strong. Get yourself right. Get your head in the right space. So then when and if that time comes, you're there for them. Yeah. Another topic, it's heavy. I know.

I'm going to get a little lighter as we go. But it's just, it's so important to talk about these things. And like, you guys are both just lovely humans and, you know, hearing the things that you guys have gone through. I want to raise my hand and say one thing and cut you off. I'm so sorry, Tay. But I think that this is very important to say that I feel the need even after death to still protect my ex-husband more than anything. Yeah. Because of the fact that we were friends from the time I was 14 years old and because we were married for nine years.

And Jordan is extremely, extremely comfortable with me talking about him and going through the grieving process of all things. You know, he had to deal with that because I wasn't going to hide my grief, right? But I feel like it's very important that I just say that no one will ever know what really went on in John and I's marriage because he is now gone and I'm the only one left and I will take that to my grave out of respect for him. Yeah. I'm just here to talk about what it's like to be married to someone who does struggle with addiction because I know that it is an. Every single moment of every single day when I'm talking, it's setting alarms in the middle of the night and waking up to check the pulse. It does not stop. It is a full-time job. And I so badly want to use my platform at some point in my life to talk about that and be there for these girls who just feel like there is no other life outside of that. And I also want to do with the utmost respect and keep it broad in general. But I do want to say that John was so passionate about helping people in his sober moments.

Yeah. to the point that he was clean for a little while there after our divorce. And he was amazing. It was beautiful to see. And during that time, he did create music. He wrote an entire album about his addiction. He even made some music videos showing it. He even hired an actress to play me.

Like, we worked on that together to, like, show his point of view of what it looked like from him. So all of those things are out there. And I just want to say that because although it would be easy to be like, oh, screw anybody. who has anything to say it does affect me it does hurt me and I just want everyone to know like this was a passion of his yeah it was his number one thing that he talked about outside of drums which he was so talented at but it was a passion of him his to help people he talked about you know in the last couple of years about how he wanted to get right and he wanted to do addiction counseling and he wanted to help people get through what he went through yeah um so I just want to say that that's all

I could think of this whole time you've been talking when you're you, you know, started talking about your dad and you start talking about everything you've gone through in your life, especially the stuff that you, you know, never have before. All I could think about is how proud your ex would be of you for doing this right now. Because, you know, that's what he would be doing himself. Yeah. And you're doing it. Yeah.

And you're very brave. Thanks, Taylor. Yeah. It's so sweet. Oh my God. I know. It's so sweet because it really is true. Yeah.

And I think you do, for anyone on the internet, I know it's not you lemon drop. So if it's anyone that's from her industry over there and is coming in Sasson, I think you did an absolutely beautiful job. And even in private when you talk about him to me, you are so respectful and you are so kind. And anyone that disagrees with that can just piss. off and stop watching this episode. Thanks. Love you.

Mama bear. But no, seriously, you, it's just the truth. It's the truth. I'm not just saying that because I'm your friend. Like, truly, I've been sitting here. I mean, in awe, both of you. And I already was before we started doing this. I've never seen a YouTube video of yours in my life.

You're just my friend. And you're like my real friend. And that's just, that's the actual fact. Yeah. Thank you guys. That means a lot. Something that you started talking about. and I kind of want to hear you both have dealt with grief in your life and a handful of it.

And I know you've dealt with a lot of it together. How and it is something we talk about a lot on this podcast because again, everyone at some point in their life deals with it, deals with loss. How has, I guess both individually and as together, like what has your grieving process been like as individuals and like together? If there's one thing I've learned, it's because, you know, my brother passed away. It's that, okay, let me backtrack. So, like, when a parent, when parents, like, lose a child, there's, like, a 90% divorce rate, which is insane. But I, you know, I read into it because, like, my mom and her man at the time ended up splitting up. And, like, it was definitely, like, a big contribution. And that's because when two people are experiencing, like, major, major grief,

at the same time, they can't lean on one another. Like, think about it. Like, as a partner, like, she's going to grieve over things that happen in her life and I'm going to be there to support her and vice versa. But when two people go through something that's like incredibly traumatic or very hard, like, who do you lean on every day? Right? Because you live with this person. You sleep next to this person. You wake up next to this person. So one thing I've learned is that if we go through something hard, I always make. Like, I have conscious thoughts of like, okay, she's feeling it right now. And even though I'm feeling it, she's feeling it more than me.

So like, let me just be there for her in this moment. And weighing out, weighing out when you have to be the strong. Yeah, like you have to be conscious about that. Or it can damage your relationship. It can hurt you. And that doesn't just go for like husband and wife or spouses. Like that's family too. It's parents.

It's like even my mom. I'm like, gosh, like losing my brother was so hard for me. But then I take a step back and I'm like, oh, my mom birthed him and was pregnant with him and raised him from a baby. And like she had 10 years with him before I was even conceived. So it's just like, you know, then it's like I have to like consciously like, you know, me and my mom butt heads sometimes. But I have to like remind myself of these things like, hey, dude, like she's feeling this just as much as you, if not more. So like be receptive to that and be open to that and like be a shoulder for her to lean on in that moment even though you want to break down to, you know?

So if there's one thing I've learned from grief, it's that like you have to feel it. You have to go through it. But if you're going through it with other people, like be conscious of them too. Yeah. Because it helps. I also think that grief has no limits so you can't limit your grieving process. Like I for so long used alcohol because I thought that was like helping me grieve making, numbing myself. And it wasn't until my therapist said, let it out, girl.

And I cried so hard sitting in her office. I thought I was going to puke. She grabbed the trash can for the trash can in my lap. And she's like, I thought you're going to throw up because I was screaming out my trauma. And it's like I got to this place where it's like you, did you. you ask me to give advice on grieving or am I just like making this up? Yes. You're doing a great job. I was going to say when it comes to like truly grieving something, put down the bottle, put down the substance if you can, if you can do those things,

whether you have to rely on, you know, a program to get you through that or if you're at a place where you can stop on your own and allow yourself to actually feel it no matter what that looks like and screw anybody who's going to judge you for it or get upset with you or be like, why don't you want to hang out if it means you want to go to the top of a building at a parking garage and just scream at the top of your lungs, then do it because you have to go through it to get out of it, right? Like the only way out is through. Yeah. And I think that that is what I've now learned. And even if it's a small grief, even if it's something that's not, you know, earth-shattering, I take that with me now on a weekly basis. Whatever it may be today, this happened. I'm not doing

well. How am I going to take care of me today? And that's some, like a tool that I have now implemented in my life if that means turning off my phone and just being in silence for an entire hour taking a hot bath. I don't care whatever it is. It's like, okay, I'm going to get this out of my system however I feel need be. And I think that through grief, you just learn to put yourself first. You learn to be a little selfish. It's like growing up, it's weird. It's like our parents were so anti being selfish. Like you're being selfish right now. You know? And I feel like our generation is like, yeah, no, it's pretty healthy actually to be selfish at times. Yeah. You have to be. You got to put on your breathing mask before you put on someone else's. So that's what I learned is just let yourself feel

it however you want to feel it to get through it. Be selfish so that you can be there for others. Yeah. Grief's like a weed. I'm trying to think of an analogy, right? Like I grew up mowing lawns with my dad and it's like you can hit it with the weed whacker and mow over it, right? But guess what? You come back next week. It's going to pop back up. And like the only way to deal with it, you got to go to the root and you got to deal with it. You know what I mean? So it's easy. Did you just pull that out now? Yeah, I just thought of that. Wow.

Yeah. He's a words, man. You can drown it out. Yeah. But you're going to have to deal with it at some point. Yeah. And get it out of the ground. Yeah.

It's going to grow back. Yeah. 1,000%. Wow. Very deep. Period. Baby. No hot.

No pun intended. How are we doing? Good. We're good. You guys. Oh my God. It's been so heavy. I've been so nervous.

I hope we're going to get on the fun stuff now. Do we, this. We can one more thing. Oh, hit it. Let him go. I wanted to say this earlier, but we kind of got off topic. But for people that struggle with other, like, having people in their life that have addiction, like, I can just speak out of experience. My brother has been dead for almost nine years now.

And I hear of all these things, NAD therapy, neurofeedback, EMDR, all of these things that help people with addiction. and like to this day when I hear about those things, I'm like, damn, I wish I could have got him that. You know what I mean? So it's like even though you have to make those boundaries and, you know, and if you have to deal with the loss, it's like there's not a day that goes by or when opportunities or things come up where it's like, oh, this can help those people. It's like, I still like the first thing I go back to is like, damn, I just wish I could have got him. You know, so it's like you never stop caring. Yeah. Of course.

Even if it ends ugly, you know, you never stop. So yeah. Yeah. That's real. Relying on your resources, you know, and it goes back to letting them know. Letting them know I can't be in your life right now because of what this is doing and how I'm enabling you and how toxic this has become. But if you really want help, I will help you no matter what that takes. Yeah.

You know. Absolutely. Thanks for adding that in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's beautiful.

It got sad again. Sorry. It's real life stuff, guys. All right. We're through the worst of it. I know that was a little tough, but thank you for, you know, both of you opening up. Those are difficult conversations, but so important to be had. But let's move on and hopefully be on a lighter note here.

Let's talk about the lipsticks. Oh, God, here we go. She was the founder of Morphy. I discovered that when they had like 10,000 followers on Instagram and launched my lipstick, which then became the biggest cancellation in the beauty community. Everything that she had worked for just literally crashed. Launched with hundreds of thousands of skews.

There was defects in them. I talked to the owner. I'm talking to the chemist and everyone's like, no, there's not mold. It is scientifically impossible. New gossip channel videos and they're all just ripping her to pieces. I was just drinking all day every day. You looked to myself in the mirror and I did not recognize myself.

physically and emotionally. Don't worry about me because I'm not going to do it. But I pray every single night that I don't wake up the next day. Yeah, she's back to herself, you know?