The Squeeze - Kendall Toole: Owning Her Story

Episode Date: December 3, 2025

TW: Suicide AttemptIn this week’s episode, Tay sits down with fitness instructor, mental health advocate, and former Peloton star Kendall Toole! Kendall opens up about how she first began teaching for Peloton, why she ultimately chose to leave, and the vision behind her new venture, the NKO Club app (including the meaning behind its name). She shares what it’s like to navigate fitness both as a passion and a profession, along with her deeply personal mental health journey that began with childhood OCD and later included a day when she came close to ending her life — and the reason she didn’t follow through. Kendall talks about what healing looked like in the aftermath, the grounding tools she relies on when anxiety or overwhelm creep in, and how her relationship with her mental health has evolved over the years. To close, she offers heartfelt advice for anyone who has ever found themselves in the same dark place she once was.Be sure to follow Kendall https://instagram.com/kendalltoole/!Check out NKO Club here: https://www.nkoclub.com/To email us your questions or share your story, you can reach out to [e-mail] sure to rate, review, and follow the podcast so you don't miss an episode! Plus, follow us on all of our socials:The SqueezeInstagram: https://instagram.com/thesqueeze/TikTok: https://tiktok.com/@thesqueezepodcastTay LautnerInstagram: https://instagram.com/taylautner/TikTok: https://tiktok.com/@mrstaylautnerAmazon Storefront https://urlgeni.us/amazon/FDXj7 Taylor LautnerInstagram: https://instagram.com/taylorlautner/TikTok: https://tiktok.com/@taylorlautnerTo learn more from The Lemons Foundation, follow https://instagram.com/lemonsbytay/ and visit https://lemonsbytay.comEpisode Sponsors:For a limited time, go to tonal.com to get $1000 off your Tonal purchase plus a free four-year warranty.New customers can get the Liquid Lash Extensions Mascara and a mini-sized Brilliant Eye Brightener at a special set price with free shipping available at thrivecausemetics.com/THESQUEEZE. Or save more with 20% off your first order at thrivecausemetics.com/THESQUEEZEGet 50% Off Monarch Money, the all-in-one financial tool at www.monarchmoney.com/SQUEEZEUse my code SQUEEZE to save 20% at tonetoday.comFor a limited time, our listeners are getting a huge 40% OFF their entire order at LolaBlankets.com by using code SQUEEZE at checkoutGet $25 off your first purchase when you go to TheRealReal.com/squeezeMB014GJJJKQV82RSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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without your reis-sodwere or sunnycars. The following podcast is a dear media production. You were seconds away. from ending your life. Oh boy. It always comes up and it's beautiful

and I think it's important to show that even a decade after you will always be emotional about these things. Something I had a lot of shame about for a long time. You realize how many people have either ideated or have been in a season time and time again. Everything from the surface level was wonderful.

I'm at USC. I'm at film school. I'm doing this. I cheered. You would look like girls killing it. She's happy. I knew something was going. on and I kept trying to bury it down. I kept trying to distract myself, but I was isolating. I wasn't going out with friends. The biggest thing about that was I felt really numb. Like I didn't, I didn't feel anything and going back to that girl who will always be a part of me, she just felt so lost,

thinking that everything I thought was something wrong with me. I didn't have the awareness that the thoughts that I was thinking weren't my truth. That evening, I was just tired. I was numb and I was tired and I just didn't feel much. I went up onto the roof of the building. I was like, I just need air. I just need air. There's all these bridges as you walk and then you go up to the rooftop. And I kept envisioning. I remember just thinking, I'm just so tired of feeling nothing. Moments away and I had this like out-of-body flash experience. That was a fear bigger. I saw my mom's name and it said 15 miss calls. And I picked up the phone and she's like, what's wrong? It took me three years to talk about what was going to happen that night.

If anybody's listening to this, you don't have to carry the weight for everybody. It's okay to put some weight down sometimes and focus on training yourself, focus on honoring your mind, focus on those parts of you that need some attention because it's very easy to mask that and push that down and then kind of wake up in a place to you're like, how did I get here? Kendall, welcome to the squeeze. Thank you for having me. It's so good to be here. I am so excited because I have been literally wanting to have you on for years.

I know we've talked about it for so long. I'm so sorry it's taking this long to get me here. I'm like I'm not a T-Fi, I promise. No, no. We made it happen. We're here. We also just found out that we went to the same junior high. Except I'm older, which is why I did not.

Oh my gosh. That's so good. Okay, so we start each episode off with this jar. A little game called Citrus Got Real. If you would like to pull a little piece of paper out there and read us that question. I was in one direction when another. She pivoted. Yeah.

No, it's on life. That is a, that's my stamp right now, pivoting. Yeah. Okay, what's a totally random skill or fact about you most people don't know? Actually, I have a lot of weird ones. Okay, but I don't, I'm worried about doing this on camera because there already are people like my feet are on the internet and I don't want to give them away for free. Like, I don't get money off of it. I should protect it.

But I'm double jointed in my toes. Isn't that weird? Oh, whoa. And that's strange. They wiggle side to side. maybe if there's like guys i know i wonder if this camera i'm like i'm just like this is off to a wild can you do on both feet no i can only do it on my right foot it's like like what is that i learned when i was a gymnast as a kid i would try to point my toes and i think i'd get like internally

stressed out so i'd like wiggle my toes and rebellion against my evil gymnastics coach i can do that with like my, I can pop my thumb out, but. Oh, that's weird. Yeah, I can like pop like that. Oh, wow. Yeah. Okay. I feel like we should dive into this because you, I, I just love how open you are about your mental health. And it's so inspiring to me. And I know to, you know, everyone that like follows you. And I think for a long time too. I like knew, I feel like I knew bits of your story. I mean, also just like from Peloton, my friends that would take Peloton, like just loved you. I was not a cyclist, so I can't say I ever. It's been over a year for me, but we'll reveal some stuff soon. I get it. I wasn't before either. I lied my way into that job. Oh, really? Girl, I took two Soul Cycle classes and no, Cody slid into my

DMs and said, do you want to audition for Peloton? And speaking of moving to New York, I knew I wanted to live in New York in my 20s. And I was like, well, I'm broke and I'm teaching at Rumble off of sunset. And I needed to get out of it because I was like, I'm making no money. Like I'm living in a basement in Laurel Canyon, which you know there's not basements in California. So that tells you it. It was essentially a glorified seller. Yeah. But it worked. It was cute. And so he DM'd and I was like, yeah, sure. I teach cycling. But I took two soul cycle classes. So it was like fake it so you make it. You know from dance, right? It was that same thing. And then I faked it and the rest is history.

So for a long time, imposter syndrome was real in the training process. And then when I launched, because I was like, I technically have no business teaching anybody this. Oh my gosh. Wait, that is so cool. You figure it out, you know? And it's rhythmic and it, you know, because a lot of it's about energy. And then I knew if I was working hard and I do what I was teaching in the classes. Like I could not call something and not do it.

Yeah. I'm not a good enough factor. Like, that's just not. I can't do that. So I'm like, okay, if I'm feeling gassed, I know to, like, modify my programming if needed. So I was kind of using myself as a litmus test. But yeah. Yeah, I had no training.

I got like a certification in the training process. Yeah. Oh my gosh. That is so cool. So really, guys, you can do anything. You can be anything. I love that. Just fake it.

Wait. So how was how was that decision for you leaving Peloton? Was that something you like debated on for a while? was hard to make. It was. It was at a point where, like, we were renegotiating contracts. Yeah. And as much as I loved what I did. And I love the community. I love getting to connect to people. I loved the sweating and moving together and finally being able to, like, talk about mental health and build a community about that. But I also, behind the scenes, like, my mental health was not great. Yeah. It's difficult. I think when you're performing to do something and you're in, that's my whole life

was that job. So, like, I didn't have a social life in New York. I didn't go out. I didn't have like friend groups. It was very much you're kind of this product of of the brand. Yeah. And I felt like my identity, like I had to be myself. I had to fight to be me. Yeah. And at a certain point, I was like, okay, I'm either going to do. I was like, okay, I'll do it for one more year. And then in renegotiations, it kind of just, they made it clear we were in different places. And I was like, okay, then I guess the times now. Like I was a big thing like, again. And faith is interesting. And something I've talked about more. There was a lot of like, okay, let me pray through this. figure out. And I was like, look, I need it to be abundantly clear that they're, like, you make the

choice, you make it clear to me that there's no other option. And I will trust. Yeah. And that's what happened. And so it's been a year, a year in a few months. And then in a few weeks, I'll be sharing and what I'm launching next. Oh my gosh. Yeah, because I couldn't, I was on a non-compete. So I couldn't teach anything, do anything in fitness for a year. Okay. But it was good. It gave me time to like build and decide what I wanted to bring with me and what I wanted to leave. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It almost like made you, like just kind of like sit and figure out slow down what was going on yeah and like and stop and say is this really what I want yeah you know this next chapter of my life like I've met a great guy I know he's it I know we're going to have a family one day how do I want like how do I want to be as a woman

how do I want to be as myself yeah and if I'm not growing and evolving I have this community of people that you know I'm really honest with yeah I'm not doing them a service if I'm not doing the same thing that I'm coaching them and trying to encourage them to do so it was it was I had to do the internal again. Yeah. I want to know how do you how do you manage being a fitness instructor but also like finding time to like do fitness for like yourself that isn't you know because I mean very very different level but I taught bar and Pilates for a few years after dancing and it became I like started to resent working out and it's still something however many years later now I'm like like this past maybe like two months I've really gotten back into the rhythm and really started to like love it again.

But there was such a long period of time where I was like, I don't want it. I can't. Because you teach it. Yeah. And I think it's like that with anything, right? Like if you're passionate about something and you love it, the second it becomes a business or a job or an expectation, it's hard to keep the creative love for it in the right way. So for me, it's been learning to move in different ways. Like there are days I love to go to the gym and lift really heavy.

but now that, I mean, I've recorded 40 classes in three weeks once the studios were done. So I was like, okay, my body's shot. Yeah. Guys, I'm also 32. So get ready, babe, because your hips do start to hurt. Oh, gosh. It's not bad. It's like very tolerable.

But I'm like, oh, okay, the lower, like, I understand, like lower back pain for the first time of my life. It's just cool. But nothing that, you know, a little infrared and, you know, taking care of your body and a massage can't help. But, yeah, I think I've had to fall in love with new types of things. movement. And because of this process of like building a business and building it in something that people know me for, I kind of have like this imposter syndrome a little bit again because I'm like, oh my God, are they going to like it in this way? But I have tried to lean into that. So my boyfriend's like a really great tennis player. He coached a bunch of people. He'll like hit

with pros and all that. He's a freak in nature. And I was like, okay, I want to learn tennis. Oh, awesome. So I'm moving my body and being a beginner and kind of like really humbling myself. Yeah. Because I think part of it too is like when you like you, you, like you, you We're dancing for years and then it's Pilates and Bar. So you have an expectation for yourself that's really high. Yeah. I have the same thing when I weight lift or when I'm boxing. So to really humble myself and like find a new way of movement where I was like, I'm going to suck at this and I have to be okay with sucking for a while.

Yeah. Kind of brought that joy back because it was a new pathway of thinking of movement without it having to be something that had a level of expectation or like perfection to it. Yeah. So that's what helps me. I love that. Yeah. Lots of walks in the morning too with the puppy. Yeah.

That's good. That's like our nighttime routine is after dinner before we like wind down and watch the show. We'll take the dogs on a walk and it's like such a nice. Like I feel like walking can either be such a good. I mean, it's really good at any time of the day. But starting the morning like that, I feel like it's, I went on a walk with my dog this morning. But starting your day, I feel like it gets you like moving. And then same thing at night.

It kind of like winds you down. Like I feel like it has. And it's that bookend. It's just, I think a lot of people forget how to shift. Yeah. Like nobody talks about going from. from high intense focus work mode to calm down relax mode. Yeah.

There is a bridge between there. And I think a lot of us don't, and myself included, like I haven't really, I'm starting to build those habits of how do I downshift or how do I upshift? Yeah. So walking's actually great because it is movement will let you do that. And it's also not a level of intensity. Yeah. That's so good.

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for half off your first year. That's 50% off your first year at Monarch. dot com with code squeeze. Can you share what your new project? Yeah. Are we ready? Yeah. Oh my God.

This is my, I'm like nervous. Literally, this is the first time I'm talking about it. Yeah. And we are, so launch each should be November the 12th. Okay.

God willing, you guys, building an app is so difficult. Building a business is difficult. But, and we worked with this great developer out of Australia, but it is called NCO Club. Okay. So never knocked out club.

it's the phrase that I would close out my classes with from when I started teaching fitness. It was what my dad, his words, they can knock you down. They can never knock you out. And that's what got me through in my mental health chapter. That's kind of what the community knows me for. And it's beautiful. They have taken it on and made it their thing. But it's really awesome.

So there's three key pillars on the app. There's fitness, obviously. So we do have cycling. Your girl has cycles again. We took a break. These hips. These hips are back. They are a little rusty, but they're back.

Cycling, boxing on the heavy bag and shadow boxing. Pilates, strength training, and then mental health side, breathwork and mobility. Oh, cool. So I'm really excited. I got a breathwork certification. It's all science-backed. Oh, wow. Yeah.

And then we have a grad two journal on there. So that's been really helpful. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. It's been a great tool for me every single day to start the day with that. And then we have all these really beautiful, awesome recipes. Yeah. And then if you like the recipe, it compiles and do a grocery list.

So I have like ADHD brain, right? So I'll like a recipe. And I'm like, wait, I forgot the lemons or the lettuce or the this. And I have to run back to the store, 18. times. Yeah. This, if you like the recipe, it gives all of the ingredients one list. You can check it off as you go.

Oh, wow. So when you're shopping, you don't forget. Yeah. And then you can hide the macros if you want. It's not macro tracking. Yeah. So I want to be mindful of people who they want to be more intuitive with their food. I'm not trying to tell you.

I'm not a dietitian. I'm not trying to tell you what to eat. Yeah. But I want to inspire you to have fun with it and find like good, nice, healthy recipes that taste good. Oh my gosh. Or maybe mac and cheese with hot dogs. Yeah.

We should add yours. We should add your home cooked favorite. Annie's organic, like mac and cheese. I'm sure there's some like healthyish hot dog out there just to, you know. Yeah, like a Hebrew national. Yeah. That's what, no nitrates. That's what we use. Yeah, that's the good one. That's the good one. Yep. I love that for us. Wait, that's so awesome. That's like an all in one. That was the plan. Yeah, I wanted to have something where you could open up the app multiple times a day for different reasons. So if it's a day where you want to move your body and you want something more intense, I'll take you through some boxing. If you want Pilates and Calm and Chill. or if you just, you know, you need breath work or you need, like there's breath work that also has some affirmations. Yeah. And that was my favorite thing about coaching was being able to, like, speak really vulnerably to other people and kind of give a pep talk. So I'm like, if we can teach people that you can have both extremes, you can be an athlete, you can be aggressive, but you can also

hold space for the softer parts of yourself. That is what we need to normalize in health and fitness. It's not about PRs all the time, you know? You mentioned your mental health journey. I'd love to kind of dive into that a little bit. Was mental health something that you struggled with in your childhood? Oh, yeah. Okay. I was a gymnast growing up, again. We're going to find a through line of like perfectionism here.

We are emerging. We are really facing that battle right now. It's good. It's really good exposure therapy right now. But yeah, I was a gymnast. And again, that sport, no different than dance too. It's all good, but be better. Good, but point the toe.

Good, but extend. And so for me, it started with gymnastics, kind of that culture of feeling, you know, a coach is watching you kind of feel ashamed when you don't do something well. So then you hurt your body or your push yourself to master it. Yeah. And that started 11 years old. I was diagnosed with OCD. So it's interesting. And like even moments like this, like I always take stock and like I'm really grateful when I'm barefoot, which sounds really kind of silly. But when I was 11, I could not be barefoot. I had to have clean feet. That was like one of my, one of my. one of my, not rituals, but part of it was I had to have cleaned feet and I had to have socks on. And so for me, I notice even now if I'm getting more stressed or I'm in a period of life where maybe my mental health starts to dip, all of a sudden I start hyperfixating on like the clumbiness

of my feet. Yeah. And I'm like, okay, that's a sign because I know what this means. So it started with OCD and then that manifested in college to being anxiety and depression. Yeah. I love to talk about college. Fast forwarding a little bit. You've opened up about your senior year of college,

how you were seconds away from ending your life. And suicide is something that is very close and personal to me. I've lost a dear friend that way. And I want to applaud you for being open and sharing that. because I know how terrifying that could be. But also, I'm just like really proud of you for deciding to not go through with that and getting to like be here today. It's going to make me cry.

You. Well, I actually, I was talking with my friend this morning and, you know, I was doing my prep for this. And I think, you know, anytime I have someone on the podcast. that, you know, has really, has gotten so close to taking their life, I think it just hits me so hard because I get to like, I think I just, it's so inspiring to me because I find hope that my friend didn't have. And, you know, he, he struggled with bipolar disorder and took his life during a manic episode. So there wasn't much decision making there for him to be made. So when,

when someone decides to, you know, pivot and go the other way, I'm just like filled with emotions of happiness. But can you take us back to that day and kind of let myself and our lemon drops, those are our listeners, know what was going on? Yeah. Firstly, thank you for saying that. It's always really beautiful. And it's part of, um, I, I think one of the most special parts of sharing the story has been what's come from having that be so public. Yeah. And something I had a lot of shame about for a long time and was afraid to say.

And now I meet people and it's like, they'll, you know, they'll come up or like, oh, have like, they'll squeeze my hand. They'll be like, I get it. Like, thank you. I've been there. And I'm like, oh, my gosh. And you realize how many people have either ideated or have been in a season or struggled with this time and time again.

And so I think having the conversation is really important because there's a feeling at that point where you think you're the only one that's going through that. It's such a feeling of isolation and of lack of feeling. Yeah. You know, I'm a very outgoing, expressive, loud, like all over the map person. But I think I've also used that as a mask to hide things that are going on much deeper. And in college, that's where it was. Everything from the surface level was wonderful. I'm at USC.

I'm at film school. I'm doing this. I teared. Like you would look like girls killing it. She's happy. You know, I had a red beetle that had a sparkly U.S.E sticker. Like I was a walking stereotype. And I leaned into it hardcore.

Okay. Like I dyed my hair blonde for the first time by myself. Not a good idea. Fried my end. But, you know, I was very much in, but it was so much of kind of a mask and a persona. And so that point in time, it will actually, next month will be 11 years. Oh, wow. Which is wild to think about.

that a whole decade plus has gone by and how much growth has happened because of that night. Yeah. And it just, I was at a point, I talked to my mom early on the day. She and I are super close. We talked multiple times throughout the day. But I was going through that months, those months of those senior year, I knew something was going on and I kept trying to bury it down. I kept trying to distract myself, but I was isolating. I wasn't going out with friends. It was hard for me to like clean my apartment or do the basic things. I spent a lot of time in the gym. The gym has always been a place moving my body and listening to music. That was my safety.

Like I could kind of transport to another world and move physically and mentally go somewhere. But I would say the biggest thing about that was I felt really numb. Like I didn't feel anything. And going back to that girl who will always be a part of me, she just felt so lost. And I think this impending idea of like who was I going to be post-graduation, what was my identity? this didn't feel right. And also thinking that everything I thought was something wrong with me, I didn't have the awareness that the thoughts that I was thinking weren't my truth.

Yeah. So I think a big thing with mental health that a lot of us forget is like we think if I think this, it must be factual. Yeah. If I think negative things about myself, it must be because we kind of hype ourselves. We give ourselves too much credit. Yeah. Our brain's too much credit.

And we're like, oh, it must be true if I think this part of my body or this part of how I act in public or I'm social, I have social anxiety about X must be true. And so that evening, I remember I was just tired. I was numb and I was tired and I just didn't feel much. Yeah. And more of, oh boy, it always comes up and it's beautiful and I think it's important to show that even a decade after you will always be emotional about these things. Yeah. And it was evening. I went up onto the roof of the building. And, and it was evening. I went up onto the roof of the building. and it was an apartment complex that I had helped, like, work at. And so I knew all the back alleys, all the back stairs.

And I was like, I just need air. I just need air. But as I walked, there was like, there's all these bridges as you walk and then you go up to the rooftop. And I kept envisioning. And it was this odd. And I hate heights, which was what's so interesting. Yeah. Like they scared the hell out of me.

And they scare the hell out of me even more now. I can't do it now because of that night in particular. But I remember. just thinking I'm just so tired of feeling nothing. And I was tired of masking it. Yeah. You know? And at that point, moments away, and I had this like out of body flash experience. And it was almost future casting. And I just saw my mom and my dad and my brother in the aftermath. And, you know, that it would be a spectacle. And I also, I didn't want to be a spectacle. I didn't want to hurt the people that I loved. Yeah. And. And.

The idea of hurting them was my, that was a fear bigger. And I was able at that point to think that way. Some of us and some people when they're in a mental health state, they don't have, not that they don't have, but that ability like for your friend, if you are in a state of mania and that's something that you deal with, thought like that isn't there. You know, your body's just reacting. For sure. Your brain's reacting.

And so I look and my phone was lit up. I had it on silent. And I look and I saw my. mom's name and it said 15 miss calls. And that was that moment. So compiled from that image in my head to seeing the phone light up and then reach for it and I felt this guilt. And I picked up the phone and she's like, what's wrong? And she knew something was not right. So that instinct that I think our moms and dads or parents or our loved ones have for us is very real. And I just said, hey, mom, can you come pick me up from school? Like, you know, I was, they were up in Santa Clarita.

I was down at USC. She picked me up. She knew something was wrong. And, And but I never said it took me three years to talk about what was going to happen that night. Wow. I hid it. And I did not like my, we're an open book in my family, like probably too much so. And I hit it because I was so afraid that if I told my parents how close I was that they would shame themselves and think they should have done more. So I think there's a lot and in therapy and growing and being an adult woman and going to therapy consistently as I do now. I really put a lot of responsibility on myself to take care of other people's emotions.

And I think a lot of us do, a lot of us who deal with this. There's this almost sense of, it is. It's a sense of responsibility. Like I need to put the other people's needs before mine. And I think if anybody's listening to this, they feel really relating to this story and to what my experience has been. I want you to understand that like you don't have to carry the weight for everybody. and it's okay to put some weight down sometimes and focus on training yourself, focus on honoring

your mind, focus on those parts of you that need some attention. Yeah. Because it's very easy to mask that and push that down and then kind of wake up in a place to you're like, how did I get here? Yeah. Wow. Thank you for sharing. Oh my gosh.

Of course. Yeah. We are sniffly and we love it. But it's, yeah, it was a long process after that too. Yeah. It was a lot of therapy. And the story, too, like for my dad saying, so the whole phrase, they can knock you down, they can never knock you out.

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And there's been a lot of weight and storytelling there that is not my story to share. It's, but for my family members. And a big thing was like we learned growing up, like, you know, move, move through it, find some power through it. So I remember my dad loved the Rocky movies. And he had a punching bag that had the chains. And I knew when my dad was having a tough day, I'd hear the chains go. on the bag. And so there was this association with, okay, find the fight, fight through, stay in the

fight, all of this, which is funny. All these things have come up later in life. And I moved home. I had, after that experience, I was right around Thanksgiving. I didn't go back to SC the rest of the semester. My grades were high. My professors were like, she's fine. We could give her the grade now. We understand they were wonderful actually about prioritizing of mental, which was great. And I then was doing, started doing therapy, but I was struggling to get out of bed. I was struggling to wash my hair, to eat all those things. And my dad, I remember, came up to my room and he was like, look, he was really pleading with me because they were looking at doing inpatient and I was needed to go to an inpatient facility. And my biggest fear was like, I don't want to

not graduate on time. I had this idea in my head, like, I don't want to fall behind. Yeah. And he looked at me and he was like, what do I always tell you? Yeah. He's like, what do we do in this family? And he's like, I know this has knocked you down, but like, you can't let this knock you out. And that was his plead. And I was like, okay, I will do, I will get back up and I will try to do the basics for my family. And then that has fast forward, that's the whole reason behind even building this next chapter is like wanting to remind people of that and take the words from my dad, the words that have gotten me through these seasons. Yeah. And remind people there is more. Yeah. And just because you're down on the ground doesn't mean there's not another chance to get back up

and keep going. Yeah. That's so good. Yeah. What was that conversation like telling your parents? Had you told your, did your therapist know? My therapist knew. Okay. And I talked to him. He was in Brentwood. I remember my mom would drive me down to Brentwood all the time.

Which, God, that traffic was like, you guys, something about going to therapy, especially when you're going when you really need to go. Yeah. Is, and I want to applaud anybody who's taking those steps to honor their mental health because it is so scary. Yeah. Like I remember my heart being out of my chest, not wanting to go. like debating with myself internally about like, I don't really need this. It's like, yes, I do. Yes, I do. I know where I'm at. And he and I would talk about it. And he's like, you know,

you can speak with them when you're ready. I do think it would be helpful for them to know. But I think he was on alert, obviously client patient privilege. I was over 18, all of that. But I had to get to a point where I even knew how to speak about it. Because I think finding the vocabulary around it was really difficult for a long time because I didn't want to admit to myself. Yeah. How. God. If. I didn't have that flash. If I didn't, my mom didn't call. Like, it was so close.

So it's like trying to navigate telling the people that brought you into the world, that love you so much that are doing everything for you. Yeah. That their whole world would have changed. Yeah. It was hard. Yeah. Yeah.

I know I think about, like, having hard conversations like that because that's the thing I, not, I mean, I think similarly to what you've kind of shared, like, I always, think about like and I think this is just undiagnosed OCD that I probably need to talk to my therapist about but I'm always like if I die will Taylor be okay I always think about I tell I literally tell them all the time I'm like you know like don't lose your faith like keep in contact with people like marry again day to get like I'm so like if I were to die tomorrow like you need to do all this because this is what I want you to do in your like I like stress about it so much but But I, and in the same breath, like when I've, you know, struggled with my mental health before, I worked as a COVID nurse.

Yeah. And, you know, obviously dealt with a lot of my own stuff. And for a long time, I didn't want to bring it up to Taylor because I know that he was going to take it as like, he did something wrong and he's not helping me enough. And I think it's such a beautiful thing. Like, obviously in the moment, it's not fun for it. either party, either having to share or having to, you know, be the person that is hearing that their loved one is struggling. But, you know, through that, I feel like we've found such a beautiful relationship. And now, like, he knows when I'm struggling. It's not him. And he's, like,

really able to remove himself from the equation. Unless it is him, but it never really is him. But he's able to remove himself from the equation and really be there for me. And I feel safe enough now to, you know, come to him when I'm struggling because I know that he's not going to take it personally and it provides me a safe space. So in the moment it's not fun, but I think it's so beautiful what it could do to your family, your relationship, your marriage, whatever form of relationship it is. There's such beauty in that. Did you, after that, have you ever, have you struggled with suicidal thoughts since then? No, there's been a few moments where I would have an ambient thought. It does come, you know, and where things start to, I would say I can judge my numbness.

Yeah. When I start to get apathetic towards things that bring me joy or I'm starting to really isolate and self-retreat. Yeah. That's my, that's my warning bell. Yeah. And that's kind of where it's like, okay, I need to start making some changes or I need to go and make sure, am I spending time with my friends?

Am I, you know, fulfilling myself in other ways? And I love what you said, too, about having those hard conversations because it is important And for any women listening out there who, I think in, you know, for me with my relationship with my boyfriend who I love so much and he's wonderful, I was always so scared of being in a like wonderful, serious relationship. Because I'm like, okay, this person, I come with this. You know, it's part of who I am. It's not something I have shame over. And it's something that's been a beautiful part of my being able to connect and help. And my ability to have empathy for other people is so much deeper because you see, you understand a little bit deeper.

the levels that people experience. And so I was like, okay, is he, you know, is he going to be good with this? Yeah. And I think a beautiful part about having those open conversations and he and I've been together almost two years. And we've done a lot and we've lived a lot of life. Yeah. It feels like we've been together for a decade. But it's, it is having those conversations. And it was something similar where it's like, if I bring it up to Alex and at first, it's like, oh my gosh, I want to fix it. I think a lot of guys are like, how can I come in and fix? It's my job to protect you. And it's like, no, I just need to express this. is where I'm coming from. And then what's been able to happen is like it does, it builds a

foundation where now he can open up about things that he would probably internalize and feel the need to fix on his own because of the ability to have those open conversations. And I've watched family members or friends like start therapy or start to call you when they're in a bind because they know you're someone that they can speak to because you open that vulnerable door first. Yeah. And it is. It's pretty incredible how just giving a little bit of a peek into your world creates such as safety for others as well. Yeah. What does healing look like for you today?

Oh my gosh. One, getting back into therapy weekly. We moved from, I still have a place up in New York, but like we rented out. And Alex and I moved down to Florida. So everything that I'm building is because I can build it in Florida. Yeah. Sorry, guys. It's cheaper there.

I'm a California girl through and through, but it's nice. And it's very peaceful and quiet. Yeah. But yeah. So when we moved to. down to Florida, a big thing was I felt the pressure building. And I'd usually done therapy and I was in between therapists. That's a real thing. Yeah. Therapist breakup is a whole other world and trying to find the right one. And I got to a point and he and I had a conversation. I had a very rough,

like anxiety attack. And when we moved and I think it was all these layers of letting go of the version of myself that I was to the world and starting to be in between building this new one. Yeah. And it's been a beautiful time where I've had to slow down. as much as I've sped up in the creating of other things to, they say like to move fast, go slow. Yeah. And I've had to go back to basics of, okay, what does my mental health routine look like now? Yeah. You know, now that we're on 24-7 and calls and meetings and building and whatnot, where are my

moments in the day where I find peace? Like, I really had to nail it back down. So it's the gratitude journaling in the morning. Great. First thing, I do not look at my phone. Social media has become something for me where, like, I just. need more breaks from it. Yeah.

I feel like the energy of it's shifted over the last few years. Yeah. At least for me. And as wonderful as it can be, I want it to stay a place that's joyful and community-oriented and not just where it feels like an attention game, which it kind of feels like right now for me. So I was like, all right, I need space from that. Yeah.

Honestly, I love a good massage. Oh, my God. Good body work. Girl, a massage all the time. And then I, yeah, therapy every week, even if I'm on the road, even if I'm in another state. And it's great. My therapist, she's no BS.

Yeah. Like she calls me on my crap. She's great. And she's lived her life. Like she'll be like, oh yeah, this is what I did. I'm like, damn, you got stories. And she's like, oh yeah, that's why I do this. I'm like, okay, I feel really safe with you. And so she'll text me and she's like, you're not skipping today. We're doing it digitally. So yeah, therapy has been really important too. And just allowing myself to take a different pace and be okay that it doesn't feel normal yet. Yeah. When you start to feel like anxious or stuck, what's the first thing you do to kind of get you out of that? I usually try to get outside and walk. I need that's a big one or a big new tool has been breathing. So you won't be able to tell right now. I get very nasly and stuffy. And I think it's

a sign of like, I don't know, I'm getting my blood pit all soon. I think my cortisol levels are really high guys. Like there's inflammation going on in here. But I do this nasal breathing. So it's a four second inhale and a six second exhale. Really gentle, really slow, really low. And it's been fascinating. of course, like the science behind this is wild, but the nitrous oxide that's made in your nose that then helps expand the capillaries of your brain. So your frontal lobe gets oxygenated. So you can be a little bit calmer. You can start to relax more. So I've been trying, trying, guys trying. Operative word here. We're still trying to make this a standard practice is to go to breathing first and to find that way. And again, petting my dog, doing something like tactile

with an animal because he's my antenna. Oh my gosh. If my, the second I start to teeter, or Alex starts to go. He'll like run into the other room or he'll come up to me. He's like a 20 pound cap of poo. He's so cute. And he'll stick his paw on me and he'll look at me. Like you need to pet me right now or he'll bring me his ball like we're playing fetch. You need to take a break.

Yeah. So it's interesting to have a dog. I'm like, oh, you're my litmus test. Yeah. In cute form. Oh my gosh. I love that. The dogs, they just bring.

They just bring so much goodness. I love a dog. Yeah. They're angels on ours. I know. That's us with ours. How is your relationship? relationship with your mental health changed over the years. Do you feel like you see yourself

differently now than 11 years ago when you were struggling with it? Absolutely. I think what's interesting with something about when you start focusing on your mental health, you get a little bit more at peace with knowing every phase of your life. You're going to look back and you're kind of going to have like a cringe moment. Like, oh, that's how we, oh, we manage it that way. Oh, wow. Girl, you were, margaritas were your friend for a while. Like that was, I was a bartender for myself during COVID. I was in a studio in New York City, not teaching Peloton classes for the month. A bartender for myself.

Oh, yeah. I was like, oh, yeah, let's get some de heen. Yeah. Yeah. And so I was like, okay, that might not have been the best practice for me, you know, and you look back. I think with looking back at how I've managed my mental health, I'm proud that every time I get a little bit better at it. Yeah.

And I also know that I will go through another. season. Yeah. So when the dips start to come, and they always do. And it is, there's a seasonality to it. I'm like, all right, girl, we've been here before. Yeah. It's okay that we're not going to feel our best. And I really try to give myself grace. It's a big one. It's understanding, like, we've gone through this before. We'll get through this again. But it's okay. And you'll look back in a year and cringe. And that's part of it. That's part of growth. It's part of life. Yeah. It's so good. I like what you said to you earlier about trying. Like, I think I feel like I've learned that now this is like what just like adulthood and the rest of your life looks like

not to be like pessimistic or anything but it's really like you are just like you're trying to get through but I think it's the beauty of learning and having those tools and you know doing the work being prepared yeah so that when like the trying gets really hard like you're able to better go about it but I'm I'm like all for like trying new new stuff and oh yeah I love I love the breathing. It's so good. The breathing is great. And even just like, I love, oh, that and then solfeggio frequencies. Are you into that? Oh, no. This is a little woo. Ooh. I love a little. Lou. Oh, okay. I don't. We're in California, me too. I'm like, oh, I know. I love it. Whenever I come here, I'm like, oh, yeah, paliscentia in my bag. It's like, oh, have you tried this?

It's always like, it's always so on an exploratory out here. We need New York and the East Coast to get a little bit more of that. I think they're getting there. But, so, okay, these are awesome. Okay. If you ever, like, especially when my brain is racing very, very, very fast. Yeah. Or I'm having trouble sleeping. It's really cool. So the way, and now if anybody's a doctor of audio doctor, autologist, or I don't

know what it's called, do not odologists? I'll do not. We're going to, yeah. I have no clue. Cool. I have no clue either. And someone will probably come in DMs, be like, this is what it is. I'll be like, okay, great.

Please educate me. But I guess when you listen, when your ears listen separately, and then they look for the dissonance in the decibel level. And that's what your brain computes. is the change in like the difference between the decibels. So these frequencies, there's one like 528 hertz. Okay. And I am not, I don't know what it is.

And it sounds woo-woo or maybe it's placebo effect. But I'm telling you this works. And it's this calm almost like general white noise sound but doesn't sound snowy. Okay. It's almost like a buzz or a bell. Okay. But then it can be layered with other elements on the track. And I just listen to it and the way that it calms me down.

And then I'll just start saying affirmations to myself. We're like, I'm safe. Yeah. We are good. Great things are coming. We'll find a way through this. And I just start repeating that while I listen to that music. Yeah.

And it's just like my nervous system calms down. I'm like, okay. It feels like a nap almost. Yeah. No, there's definitely, even if it's not like quote unquote science behind it.

Yeah. Like there, it does something to you, but also like I am all for a placebo effect. Like if something's going to like work for me, that's, I have that conversation all the time with Taylor because he's so like, well,

that doesn't make sense. Like he's so factual. Analytical. Yeah. Very much so. He's like, well, that there's no way. That doesn't make sense. And I'm like, and I'm like the one that's like, I also think that's like a female thing too. Like I feel like we're feelers. We're open. Yeah, we feel. We're just like kind of down for whatever is going to like make us feel better. And the men are like, no, that's not. Well, we menstruate. Like, I'm sorry, we every

month, every month we have like four different versions of ourselves, sometimes five. Yeah. You know, depending on what's going on. So yeah, I'm like, guys, of course we feel things deeper. it. Alex is the exact same way. He's like, what is that? And then I'll start doing it. And then like the eighth time, he's like, oh, yeah, that kind of works. I'm like, mm-hmm. Yeah. But I don't like make a point. I'm like, I never tell him to try it. I'm just like starting a new habit. And he's like, oh, that's kind of cool. And I'm like, yeah, pretty cool. You should come over to my side of the world. Yeah. Give it go. Try it. Try it. Try it out. Okay. Last question I have for you is, what would you say to someone that is feeling like you once did where they just can't seem to. to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I could, like, physically be there to give them a hug. I think a big thing is just, like, I, so I'm emotionally giving you a hug through the, you know, through the podcast. But I promise there's more.

I think that's the hardest part when you're in that place is the feeling feels so overwhelming and final. It feels like you'll never, like the tides will never, like the tides will never, turn and the clouds will never go away. But, you know, for the sake of a metaphor, and I love, like, I love flying. And I thought about this on the way here. There's, there was all these storms on the East Coast and coming west. And it was a gray day and kind of nasty, yucky blah. And the second you get over that cloud break, and it was the most gorgeous, fluffy clouds, sunset, bright colors and we're coming west. And I was like, oh, my gosh, even when it's cloudy and gray and

dreary, there is always on the other side of that. There's always like a goodness there for you. There's always like a purpose to why you're here. Yeah. And there is more through it. So don't let a bad season or even a bad couple years help you make you think that your purpose and your life is not of such deep and wonderful value. I love that.

Yeah. That's a good way to end. I know. We're like, we have so many layers. I'm like talking. I'm like, I'm going to cry again. This is beautiful. We're crying, we're laughing.

I love it. I love it. They're women. I know. Us women. Women. All the layers. Well, thank you so much for coming in and sharing.

This has been so good. Yeah, this is awesome. Thank you so much. This is a plastic. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.