The Squeeze - Mayci Neeley: No More Secrets

Episode Date: October 8, 2025

In this week’s episode, Tay is back for another girl-chat, this time with Hulu’s The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives star Mayci Neeley! Mayci takes us back to the day she and her college boyfriend Arik found out they were pregnant at just 19 years old, and how only a month later he died in a tragic accident after a fight the two of them had. She opens up about the guilt she carried, how she explained loss to her young son, and the journey of eventually finding love again with her now husband, Jacob. Mayci also shares the painful reality of an abusive past relationship, why she stayed silent, and the turning point that gave her the courage to speak up. She reflects on what inspired her to write her book, the meaning behind its title Told You So, and the ways she has found healing over the years. Mayci also offers advice for women who may be scared to leave or speak out about their own experiences, reminding them they are never alone.Be sure to follow Mayci on https://instagram.com/maycineeley/!Get Mayci’s new book Told You So here: https://www.simonandschuster.com/p/mayci-neeley-told-you-so?fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAac01oMmgvS9aK9hxT2ElvbmxuNa2uYv-S4aDa8jysiZqjDKWRNfEppgimjzug_aem_wh1xei_BT8Lh3PNvDt1foATo email us your questions or share your story, you can reach out to [e-mail] sure to rate, review, and follow the podcast so you don't miss an episode! Plus, follow us on all of our socials:The SqueezeInstagram: https://instagram.com/thesqueeze/TikTok: https://tiktok.com/@thesqueezepodcastTay LautnerInstagram: https://instagram.com/taylautner/TikTok: https://tiktok.com/@mrstaylautnerAmazon Storefront https://urlgeni.us/amazon/FDXj7 Taylor LautnerInstagram: https://instagram.com/taylorlautner/TikTok: https://tiktok.com/@taylorlautnerTo learn more from The Lemons Foundation, follow https://instagram.com/lemonsbytay/ and visit https://lemonsbytay.comEpisode Sponsors:Let yourself run, lift, sculpt, push, and go. Explore the new Peloton Cross Training Tread+ at onepeloton.comVisit gruns.co and use code SQUEEZE at checkout for up to 52% off your first order.As an exclusive offer, our listeners can get free protein in every box for a year plus $20 off your first box when you go to ButcherBox.com/SQUEEZE.Visit tonetoday.com and use our code SQUEEZE to save 20% off!You can go to square.com/go/squeeze to learn more, but before you do, go support your favorite neighborhood spot.Learn more and join using our link. Function is a near-360 view to see what’s happening in your body, and our first 1000 listeners get a $100 credit toward their membership. Visit www.functionhealth.com/THESQUEEZE or use gift code THESQUEEZE100 at sign-up to own your health.Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The following podcast is a dear media production. How long after that was his accident? Like a month and a half after I told him I was pregnant. Take me back to that day. You found out you were pregnant. That day gives me PTSD. Oh my gosh. Like I was freaking out.

And I just sat in the shower and like cried in the dark for like an hour. Beginning of February when I told him he passed away March 24th. So that's like a month and a half in between. Okay. When he got in his accident, was he texting you? Yeah. Oh my gosh. Like those were like the last words I said to him.

and that's like what he had when he died. His last message, like, was unfinished. Like, oh my gosh, it was my fault. He was texting me because he was obviously, like, sending that message when he, like, hit into a car. Sent the text or texted him back. Like, he'd still be here. I want to know your sexual abuse writing about those details again.

Was that hard for you to do? Yeah. It was like I had been through bad relationships. Like, I was an abusive relationship. What made you feel like you needed to stay silent? Well, at the time, I felt like I had to because he was blackmailing me. That means I was losing my scholarship. When I was going through, like, I didn't even know I was being abused.

like for like a while like what was happening to me because I'm like am I crazy like trust your gut like your intuition like if something doesn't sound right or it's too good to be true it probably is amount of messages I got from other women like that's when I saw like oh there was a reason why I needed to share this macy welcome to the squeeze thank you welcome back I guess yes I did a brief one for valentines yes this is like the real deal so I'm excited we're back in the comfies even though you're in full glam we like I know like half ready half not yeah is what we're going for today Great. We're comfy and we're glami. Yes. I've truly, I've just, like, missed you. I know. I just adore you. I wish I lived closer. I know. I really do. I know. I need to just take a little JSX flight over to you. But last time I saw you, you were very pregnant. Yes. Oh my gosh. I know. I feel so much better. I'm like, I feel so much. I'm like, I'm like, this will be considered newborn? I don't know. I think. Yeah. Until they're eight weeks, I think. I think technically, because she's still, she's still, she's still. She's still. So. I was. So. I was. I was still. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I So we're almost there.

Oh my gosh. But she's so good. Like she's an angel, but I'm exhausted. So I'm like, how do you like those eye drops today during glam? I'm like, I need the no red eyes. Yeah, lima fly. How was birth and all of that stuff? Did everything go to this plan?

It actually went so good because I knew I was doing a plan C-section. So I wrote out like I had a birth plan for my last one, but I didn't get to do a lot of the things in the plan because they're really particular. Like with C-sections for some reason. Was your last one I C-section also? Yes, all of them have been. And so I just knew I was good doing because I already had two at this rate. And I have like pretty big babies. I didn't want to dry. And so I wrote a birth plan again and like was very detailed. And I got like the best nurse. Like she was so good. I was like obsessed with her. And I actually met her the week before at Michaela's birth because we gave birth at the same hospital. So I met her and I was like, wait. Are you working next week? And she's like, oh yeah, that's my day. Like you should request me. So I was like, perfect. So I felt like I made that connection. And then I had. her the day of my birth and she was so good. I got to do every single thing in my birth plan, which was like so amazing because I didn't get to do that last time. Yeah. So I was so stoked. So I got to do like skin to skin in the operating room. Like I got help like filming the birth because I was like it's hard for me because I don't do vaginal. Like I can't get things filmed. Then I

never could actually see the birth. Like I'd just love to see my baby be born even if I can't like watch it. Like watch it later kind of thing. So I got extra filming people in there to help me out. Like it was so great. Like it was just like magical. Like my husband got to cut the cord and he didn't get to do that last time. So all the things I wanted, like I got. So I felt like it was just, like, so magical. Like, I was so happy with everything. Oh, my gosh.

Yeah. So it's great. With your first, did you want to have a C-section? No. Oh, my gosh. Not at all. Like, so my mom had all C-sections. And then my oldest sister had one baby at the time, and she had a C-section.

So I kind of was, like, worried that I have to have one. Yeah. Because my mom, like, didn't even die a or anything. And then, yeah, when I was pregnant, I didn't dial it either. And so they never said I had to get one. but then I was doing all the ultrasounds and they're like your baby's looking so big. And I was like, oh, so I was like, I got scared because I was also 20 and I didn't really know like how to advocate for myself.

Yeah. So they're like, he's looking really big. They told me he's going to be between like 10 and 11 pounds. So I was like, okay. And newsflashy wasn't. But like they told me that. And so they like, we recommend you doing a C-section. They read the whole like, if you move forth vaginal, these are the risk and you have

to sign this waiver that says we can break the collarbone and all those crap. So I was like, well, I'm not going to be like, yeah, go break the collarbone. Like let me do the vaginal. So like I just decided to do the C-section because of that. So I had a scheduled C-section with my first and my water broke and everything going into surgery. I think because I was so stressed out that like my whole white water broke and everything and then did the C-section. Honestly, it was pretty crappy experience. Like your first one I feel like is usually the scariest because you don't know what to expect.

And then it got infected too. It was like five days later like my incision opened and it was just a nightmare. Like the healing was horrible. Like it was just bad. And that's why the second time I was like, oh, I want to do a V back. Like I want to do vaginal. Yeah. And then they told me, your baby's look.

big again and I was like okay well last time he said that like the baby was it was he was still big he was 815 yeah but like not 10 or 11 pounds so I was like no we're doing vaginal but then she was like breach and then she was flipping breach and then not breach like every other day I don't know how she did it because then she ended up being almost 10 pounds like she was 913 22 inches oh wow so I was glad I did the C section with her and so after that and that C section was a great experience I didn't get to do everything in the birth plan but like everything went smooth like having a C-section with a partner this time because a single mom before night and day. So I was like, I can do that again. So then I did the third one in C-section. It was even better. So I was really happy about it.

That's good. I want to do C-sections really bad. I have a lot of girlfriends that, I mean, I have a lot of friends that have given birth, but I just feel like with how my brain works, I think like scheduling a C-section might. And then you're like, I know I'm having a baby. I know it's coming out within 10 minutes of being on the overall table. Like that's a nice part. I will say the C-section, the only thing that sucked was like I got the spinal and for whatever reason I don't know if it was like what they put in it I got so nauseous and I had like a throat phobia so I was like absolutely not and so I was laying on the award table and I was just looking at the light being like how am I going to sit here for an hour like I was trying out to panic and you get like the panic feeling and you're like I'm like

oh my gosh like I'm going to stay for an hour and I feel so sick and I feel miserable I was like freaking out and then like once the drugs hit again I was like we're good I was like put all the nausea stuff in there like everything you got like throw it. I was like throwing it. I was like we're it in there because I'm dying. Maybe I'll just have to watch what you're. I've seen and then it was fine. I have videos. I can show you. Okay. If you doesn't freak you out. I've seen no. I've seen I've seen a vaginal birth. I saw vaginal birth in nursing school. Yeah. And I came home and I was like Taylor where I can't have a child until I like forget what that looks like because that was like horrific. Yeah. And there's a reason why like our heads are placed this way so that we don't have the receiving end. We have the

pushing end of the view. Because that was like not. I didn't like that. I didn't like that. No, it's gross. Well, I mean, it's, I mean, I'm like, I shouldn't say it's gross. It's like natural. It's like part of life. But I'm like just the whole. No, it's a beautiful thing. But the, the anatomically.

Yeah. It's not, it's not the prettiest thing. No. I saw Michaela's kind of. She did natural. I filmed her birth for her. Oh my gosh. Yes, but I barely made it.

She like, literally I walk in her room because I was doing a non-stress test at the same hospital she's giving birth on at the same day. It's like we just happened to be at the same time. And I walk into her room and like literally. hear her like moaning because she did natural. And so I was like scared. I was like, oh my gosh. Like she good? Like if I'm sitting up my camera and it wasn't working for some reason, all of a sudden I hear her say, the heads out. And I was like, oh. So like I grabbed her camera. Luckily it was there. I click video. So her camera could do video, but mine would only work for photo. So I had both cameras

like this. And I was just like filming on one and like shooting photos on the other. We got it. Everything was great. Made it in time for the birth. Like it, we saw it come out. It was great. But I mean, I didn't really get like a very close view, luckily, because I think it probably would have passed out. But yeah, but like it was great. I was scared for her, though. Like she looked like, she's in a lot of pain. Like, she was really like gray. I like was more worried about her than the baby.

I'm like, is she good? Like, I was looking at her face. I'm like, why is no one like, I need like chariot her to her chair, like to her bed? Because she gave birth standing up, like in the bathroom. So I was like, someone like pick her up. Like, I don't know. I was like scared because I'm like she's going to fall. Like I would have passed out giving birds standing up.

natural. She's crazy. And that's been so fun. Like you guys just like having little babies together. Oh, it's been so fun. Like doing pregnancy together was so nice. I didn't even realize you were pregnant at Galantines. I know we couldn't tell anyone. And Taylor was like, Macy's pregnant. And I was like, he could tell. He knew. He was like, did you not see? Like she had a little bit of a bump. Like you could just tell. And I was like, oh, I wasn't, I didn't look. And I guess I didn't like think of it because like you guys don't drink. So I didn't like. It wasn't like a flag to me. Like if one of my girlfriends who drinks would have been like, I'm just having a poppy. Like, it would have, it would have been like, oh.

Yeah. Interesting. But no, also we were all in like flowy pajamas. But no, everyone left in Taylor was like, so Macy's pregnant. And I was like, did you tell you that? And he was like, you know, he's good. He's observant. He's so observant.

And I was like, oh, now I'm a bad friend. I didn't notice. No, not at all. And then you were posting the photos of yourself in the mirror with your belly. I know. We like, oh my God. That one was looking like, me like, but like we literally announced it, I think like less it a week later. Yeah. I think we had to, yeah, I think it's a few days later we announced. We had to

wait because it had to be like all secretive because like People Magazine wanted to do like something with each of us. And so we had to like hide it. But then we're like, okay, we're at the point we're like people are going to notice like we need to like post. So like, yeah, it was fun. I'm so surprised he noticed. I know. I know. I yeah. He's like very observant. He's very observant. He probably like saw us take that picture. He's like, um, excuse me? No, he would have told me. You would have told me. Okay, well, I'm excited to finally, I've been wanting to, like, sit and talk with you alone for, like, forever. And I love that. We get to do it with the release of your book. I'm so excited for people to hear your story because I think there's so many different facets to your story. And I, I just adore you. And I think how, I think it's really cool, everything that you've been through, how you live your life now. And you're truly just like a ball of, like, light. Thank you. And I love you.

But I want to know like what what made you to decide like now was the time to write and release this book. Yeah. I think it's because like I knew I always wanted to do it. And I feel like for the last 10 years I was like, I'm going to write a book. I just don't know when. And then I think the opportunity just kind of presented itself. Like after the show came out, I had a book, a really great book agent reached out and was like, hey, like, heard you want to write a book. Like your management told me like, let's do this.

And I was like, like, okay. Like, okay, I'm done. Because, like, I knew I always wanted to do it. So I'm like, okay, this must be like the time. And I'm actually so glad I waited because I almost started writing it like five years ago. And granted, I did have a lot of things already written. So it was kind of like writing the process. It took a year. But at the same time, it was like, it was already like partially written. It was kind of just like adding, feeling in the gaps and like putting the story together. Yeah. And so it just like ended up being the perfect time, I think. Like it was still hard because I was writing it while filming and like doing all the things. But like, I guess, I, Again, it's like the story's been writing itself for 10 years.

So, like, yeah, I just felt like it was the time, I guess. And I think everything just works out the way it's supposed to. So where does the title come from? Oh, yes. I've had people ask me because I think when it was released, someone's like, I don't like that title because I thought it was like being like snarky, like told you so. Like, but that's not what it's supposed to be. It basically stems from like I'm the baby of the family.

And so like I feel like my whole life like people would say like, told you so. Like told you not to date that guy. Like told you not to do this. And like kind of like, and I'm the type of. person that has to kind of learn from my own mistakes. Like I have to do things to know if it's wrong for me. And so it just came from like everyone in my life saying like told you so, like you shouldn't have done that. You know, like that's kind of what it means is from that. There was other titles I really wanted but like we couldn't because like they were already used and stuff too. Like the title I originally

was going to do was one day because that's like something me and my son's father used to say to each other like one day like we'll do this one day that. And so it had like a lot of meaning to me. Yeah. But it was already, it's already a book, I guess. And that because, came a show, I think, on Netflix. So we couldn't do that. But yeah, I think we have like signed editions that have like a one-day inscription because like it's so sentimental to me. So there are certain passages in the book that you'll see will start with like one day on purpose. So it's like mixed in there for a reason. Oh my gosh. That's so special. Well, I like that title. Thank you. I like it a lot. When it comes to working out, I need a variety of workout. Some days I want to

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Auto-hue with sunny cars, feels as if the children will not be with. Diesel strangle, Zandvo. Act is forcare, verdwine, vacancy can chaotic be. But who zorgloose an auto-hured,

says, Uno-dos, no stress. No, no risk. No, no-verwashed to costs. always fullledic-verseller. So, so will auto-hours without your

advicee or sonikars. com. I think we should just dive into it because I'm excited to just hear. Obviously, you know,

you've shared about your son's father, Eric, on the show, which we got to see you kind of like open up about for the first time, but in the book you really like

dive into it and about the both of you unexpectedly becoming pregnant at 19. Can you take me back to that day you found out you were pregnant? Like it gives that day gives me PTSD like literally it was so rough. Yeah like I remember like clear as day like I have so many core memories from back when I had like trauma like why do we have so many core ones from trauma and like not just like the happy stuff but anyways I know I remember like it wasn't even that

long after a missed period I just like felt like I was pregnant like I feel like I just could feel it and I don't really know why. Like, I think it was a week before a missed period, I was like, something feels off. Like, I just could feel it. Like, I had the anxiety feeling that, like, I couldn't explain what it was. And then, so I think it was only three days after my period was supposed to come. I went and, like, got a test. Like, one of my friends went with me to get one because I was, like, too embarrassed to go alone.

So I was like, and also we're in Provo, Utah. Like, if someone sees me buying a pregnancy test, like, they're going to report me to honor code. I mean, I even feel like that as, like, adult, which sounds funny calling myself a grown adult, but like an adult like married woman. Why is it for vulnerable? I'm like, this is such a vulnerable feeling. So I can't imagine like you not being married in the society that you lived in in Utah,

how like nerve wrecking that was. Oh my gosh, especially going to like, it was like the CVS in Provo, Utah where it's like all the BYU students go. So like you had to be very discreet. So I think I used self-checkout, thankfully. And then I went back to my apartment and she left and I like took it alone. And I just like took it. Like I peed in a cup, dipped it in.

because I was like, I don't know how to pee on a stick. So I just did the cup thing. Lefted on the counter. And I just, like, laid in bed because I was like, I didn't want to look. Like, I was so scared. And this is the first time I've ever taken a test. So it's like, yeah, I don't know. It was just like crazy for me.

So I lay down, just chill. And eventually I was like, okay, I just need to check it. Like, I was really laying in the dark pitch black. And I was like, I just need to get up and check. And I was like, part of me is like, there's no way. You know? And then I get up and check. And I looked it up and like, oh, like, it's negative.

but like I've never taken one before so I couldn't really tell so I look closer and I'm like wait it looks like there's like a really faint second line so I was like I don't know if the test comes with two faint lines and they get dark if you're pregnant like I was kind of confused but I was also like oh my gosh I was freaking out like oh my gosh I'm pregnant like but I like wasn't sure so I like literally laid in the shower well didn't lay but I was sat in the shower like sat in the shower like got my laptop out and like played music because that's when I don't think it was like on the phone or something and so had my Spotify on and I just like sat in the shower and like cried in the dark for like an hour. And I had to get up and go to my sister's house. I like brush my tears off.

And I'm like, hey, everything's fine. And then I just acted like that didn't happen. And then, like, because I was playing tennis. I was in the middle of tennis season. And so I was playing like matches and stuff. And then one week from that test, I was like, hey, let me just take another one. Because if I am pregnant, it should be dark, I think. I probably like Googled it or something. Yeah. And I took the test because it came with two the next week. And it was like dark. And I was like, Oh shit. I was like, yeah, I'm definitely knocked up. So that's great. And then I was kind of just like in denial. Like I literally just like went about my week. Like nothing was happening. But then I just stopped going to class because I was like, well, I'm pregnant. So I'm screwed anyway. So like kind of just like already started giving up my life. So I just like didn't go to class.

I would nap like four hours a day and then go to like tennis practice and then go back and nap again. And then hang out with my boyfriend. And that was pretty much it until. What do you think the biggest reason why you were, I mean, obviously, rightfully so for you to be upset at 19. You're not trying to get pregnant. But do you feel like there was like a standout reason to like why you were like this like can't be true? I just didn't picture that for my life. Like I like if I didn't get pregnant so young, like I don't think I would have had kids to like late 20s because I think it always scared me to have kids. I'm the baby the family. So I didn't have like younger siblings to like grow up with. So I didn't know like what it would be like to be a mom. Like thank gosh my sister had my niece like when I was in.

college so I kind of like got to babysit her and stuff or else I don't even know how I'd been like a mom because I just didn't know what I was doing but yeah um I think yeah just because like I had a like the way I pictured my life was not getting pregnant at 19 it was like oh my gosh like I'm gonna finish my tennis career maybe I'll try to play pro for a little bit and maybe I'll do an internship in New York or London or like somewhere cool like I had like all these like ideas and stuff that I wanted to do and like being a mom was not part of that so like that's why like I did not picture and it's like as a Mormon. I never pictured myself probably even having sex outside of marriage and then also like getting pregnant outside of marriage. Like that would have been like some

scary dream that like I had, you know, like not a real life situation. Yeah. When when did you tell Eric? I think I waited like until the second test that was like dark. So I think that's when I told him. I think I told him like a couple or like maybe a day after that. Okay. And he took it like really well. Surprisingly like was really chill about it which I'm like, hello? Like this is my life. like my life's over. Oh wow. But I do think it's in general, like the responsibility usually falls in the woman in society. So I think like sometimes guys are more chill because like, well, I'm not the one who's pregnant, you know?

Yeah. And he like was very supportive. He was like, okay, like we talked about getting married before this. Like this is just like a bump in the road. Like we'll get through this. We've always wanted to have kids anyways. Like he's just coming sooner than expected. So he was like very like chill and like good about it.

It's like, thank gosh. Or else I probably would have like spiraled. But like it still wasn't easy. I was like, okay, but you don't understand, like, he could probably go still play baseball, right? But, like, I can't keep my tennis career right now. Like, so I think that's what's hard is, like, we bear the responsibility more than men, and that's harder. Yeah, no, for sure.

How long after that was his accident? Oh, my gosh. Only, like, a month and a half after I told him I was pregnant. Okay. He passed away. So, like, that was, like, beginning of February when I told him. And then I think he passed away March 24th. So it's like a month and a half in between.

Okay. Which is crazy. You kind of talked about it in the show. You guys were in an argument. Yeah. Can you tell me a little bit about what was going on? I read about it in the book, but I found out that he cheated on me. So like when I was in a tennis, I was at a tennis match in Colorado, I think.

And that night who was texting me, I could tell he had been drinking. And we kind of had a rule like, let's not drink, like, unless we're together. Because like things happen. And like when you're drinking, like, you can make mistakes. And it's just not smart. But so I tell he was drinking because the way he was texting me was like very like lovey-dove you. Like I love you. I love you.

And I was like, yeah, like sometimes we'll say that to each other. But not like that. Like not like obsessively. So I was like he's like for sure drinking or something. So make a long story short. Like he got drunk like really drunk like blackout apparently and like slept with some random girl like just one night stand type thing. And then obviously didn't tell me because yeah, like he knew I'd break up with him because I think I told him the beginning of the relationship like you ever cheat on me. out. Like, I'm not the type of person who's going to stay because like, and I get those that do

and like, that's just case by case basis. But for me, I just know I wouldn't be able to get over it. Yeah. And so I told him that like in the beginning of the relationship. So I know that's like why he hit it and I get it. Yeah. But yeah, so basically I found that out to make a long story short. So like that's what we were like arguing about. I didn't want to talk about on the show because I didn't want to just be like, oh, he cheated and like not give like context and like background because we also had a relationship that like when we weren't together. And I don't. it almost felt like an open relationship. Like I talk about in the book, but like I emotionally cheated, but like I didn't consider

cheating because like it wasn't physical. And like I didn't like count it like back when I was like a teenager. Yeah. And so like our relationship like was so great. Like when we were together like we never fought. Like we got along so well. But like we weren't together. It was kind of like almost like we were doing our own thing.

But we both were like we're not going to cheat on each other kind of thing. And like obviously he crossed that line. But like yeah, when I look back, I'm like, I'm not saying I can give him no blame. But like we were kind of. you know, all over the place. So yeah. Yeah. When he got in his accident, was he texting you?

Yeah. Okay. And that's why I was like really hard because I felt like it was my fault in the beginning. I was like, oh my gosh, it was my fault. He was texting you because like we basically were on the phone, FaceTiming and I was like, we're done. Like I was so mad like at him like when I found out. And then he texted me like a picture of us or something.

And like I was like, why would you send this to me? Like I was just being like a brat, you know, whatever. which rightfully so, but like obviously like I was angry. And then he said like some this whole thing like, I love you so much much like I'll never forgive myself. Like you deserve so much better. Just like obviously being super sweet. And I think I like responded again. I don't even remember what I said at this point. But I have like, I think he still have the screenshot somewhere. Yeah. And then he sent like his last message like was unfinished. Like it was like I still remember it was like go period like space J. Like it didn't like make sense. It was like unfinished like a typo. Yeah. And so I was like, I was like a unfinished like a typo. And so I was like

like that's weird because usually like if he had a typo he would like correct it and send like a text with like a little star asterisk or whatever and he never did so I was like weird like I like was like like okay that's strange um and then yeah like he was obviously like sending that message when he like hit into a car or a truck actually so it's just crazy like sometimes I mean like say it out loud I can't believe that like actually happened when looking back like it's been 10 years but like when I go to the crash site and the show like you can see it gets very much like affects me to day for sure. I was, I cried watching it just. Oh my gosh. It was because I literally can't imagine and I know you and I can't imagine like how I'm getting teary-eyed. I know. I'm like,

I'm like, you're going to make me teary-eyed. I'm like looking at you like, he-he. I just, yeah, I can't. I can't imagine what that, going back to it, but also just kind of like reliving all of that. How, how was that? Like, how did you get through? the guilt because you're 19. Yeah. You're pregnant. You're hormonal. You're having a baby. You're like, your partner's no longer on this earth. Like how, how did you kind of like work through that guilt? Yeah. I can't imagine that was probably some heavy guilt. Oh, yeah. It was so rough because I definitely blame myself. Like at least in the beginning of it, like, or probably most of my pregnancy, honestly. I think it took a while for me to fully like understand like that's not my fault.

Like I didn't know he was driving. Like when I last saw him when I was talking on the phone, he was at home. So I had no idea that he like left. But I guess I think he went up to the canyon to clear his head because originally he was supposed to be playing like basketball with his friends. And he was like, I have to go play basketball. I'm like, no, just talk to me really quick. It'll be quick, you know.

So like he had plans, but he obviously, I don't even know if he texted to cancel them, but he just had to go like clear his head or something. And then that's when it happened. So I had no idea. So I can't. So looking back, I'm like, you can't blame yourself. You don't know where he was. Like, and even then like he was on who.

who chose to text. Like I, you know, I didn't tell him to text me back, you know. And so I definitely cared that guilt, though, for like a long time. Like, it was really hard to get over it because I was like, oh my gosh, if I wouldn't send the text or texted him back, like, he'd still be here, you know? And so that was really hard for me. And I feel like I felt so much guilt for the, like the last things I said to him. I'm like, oh my gosh. Like those were like the last words I said to him. And that's like what he had when he died. And that like ate me alive for sure. Like that hurt. Like probably more than anything was like, I wish I could. I could take back what I said. Yeah. And I look back and I'm like, well, like, I was angry. Like,

it's warranted and like it's okay. But like, I just obviously wish it was different, you know, but I can't do that anymore. And I think that's why I am the way I am now. Like, and even on the show and everyone's like, you're a fence writer. I'm like, no, it's because like I know how a fragile life is. And like I don't want to have beef with anyone. And I don't want to be like in a bad place with people because I know it could change in a second. And like, I know a lot people struggle with mental health. It's like, like, what if we say hurtful things and like, who knows what they're going to do? Like, I feel like I just am paranoid about that now. like since he passed, like I definitely have a fear around like losing loved ones. Like even my husband,

like he doesn't text me back in the certain time frame. Like he's dead like in my head. It's like my intrusive thoughts are like he's gone. Like I just like get so nervous for my kids. Like I have a hard time leaving my kids. They're like even like me and my husband like don't even go on trips together like ever because it's like it's really hard for me like leave them. Because yeah, it's hard to like put your trust in someone else and also being like well what if I went and like something happened. Like I have a lot of like what ifs now because of what happened with him. Yeah. Which I probably need therapy for. But like. I like, we'll go to therapy and I'm like, I'm good, I'm fine. I don't need anything.

Yeah. That's such a, that's such a, like, great, like, kind of pulled back third person point of view that of yourself, that that is why, you know, you just are happy to be in the middle and don't, you know, don't kind of sway because that makes complete, when you put it that way, that literally makes complete sense. Yeah. And I think I'm someone who also can see like both sides of a story and equation. I'm neutral with like pretty much everything in my life. I'm like not super hot or cold or super passionate about one thing and not about the other. Like I'm very neutral. And so I think no matter what it would be hard for me to take any sides for that reason.

And then on top of like what I've been through, it's like there's bigger things in life than, you know, he said, she said. Yeah. This drama, you know. How was it raising Hudson, one by yourself, but also what did you tell him? What were like those words and kind of like explaining to him about his dad? Raising him, luckily if like I had a village, which is really nice. Not a lot of people had that luxury. So I'm super grateful for that.

But my mom like was there for me. And like it's funny now because like I feel like she treats him like it's like her kid. Like that's how she sees him because she helped me like for the first like couple years of his life. But raising him was great. Like I had the village. Like I had the people. Like it was still hard even with that like because I'd be waking up going to. classes and then going to tennis practice for four hours and then going to more class and then coming

home to him. Like some nights I didn't have late classes so I could like do dinner and do like the nighttime routine and some nights I couldn't. And like some nights my mom would keep him up so I could see him that day and like but then I'd be doing homework. I'd be going to bed at like 1, 2 a.m. And then getting back up early again. It was like four hours of sleep at night almost like throughout college. Not because I was parting because I was a mom. So like it was definitely like hard. But like the best like I would never take it back for anything. Like I. I. I just like who's meant to come into my life for a reason. And that's why like my book is dedicated to him because I'm like I don't even know if I'd be here like without him like genuinely like he is like everything like and still is like he's just the cutest thing ever. So I was super grateful. I had help with that. And then as far as like telling him about like his father like we told him, I'm trying to think he was four. I think. I talk about in the book a little bit but basically the way we did it is like I had seen a therapist who told me like the best. I'm trying to think he was four. I'm trying to think he was for. I was like I had seen a therapist who told me like the best. I'm. I'm trying to think he was. I'm like the best. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm time to tell their, like, your kid that they have a different dad or mom is like between

three and five, like, with like, basically based on like psychology and different things like that. Yeah. Because then they're old enough to like know and understand, but not like fully understand, but you kind of have to introduce it young or else they're going to feel like resentment and like, feel like you've been hiding things, you know? For sure. And so we told him and he just like didn't really care. Like I think it's because he was like young. Like he's four, you know? So like, we told him like, hey, like you see how mommy's in the hospital with you, like holding you. But like Daddy's not there. Like it's because like you have a different daddy.

But like he passed away. So like you have two dads and stuff. And he's like, okay, cool. Like let me put my Legos. Like he like didn't care, you know? And but that it's great because it's just normal for him. Like he knows that he has Eric as his dad. And now he kind of understands when I say biology.

Because in the beginning he was like, what? Yeah. And now he kind of understands like you have like blood from that father and like blood from me. And then like that's like your dad who's raising you. You know. So like he like kind of understands it now. And like he'll ask questions.

every once in a while, but like not that much actually. I'm surprised. I think as he gets older, he'll have like more curiosity, but like we'll also do things like so that he knows about his dad. Like we went to, um, for his old high school, he was like the MVP pitcher, star pitcher of the team and has like all these records there. So like they had like something in his honor this year. And so I was like, oh yeah, like we'll go. And so like they honored him and like he saw the photos of him and saw he got to like hang out with the baseball players and the team he used to be on. Like he like loved it. got to sit in the dugout with all like the 17 to 18 year old high school players and like absolutely loved it. So stuff like that that I'll be like, oh yeah, like this is, you know,

like your other side, which is great. So then he sees his grandparents on that side too. So like, and I think it's really healthy to have that because if not like they're going to grow up like and be confused. And, you know, and I feel like they could harbor resentment. So how old was Hudson when Jacob came into the picture? So when I first met Jacob, he, Hudson was only seven months old. but I didn't introduce them until Hudson was like 10 months old. I was very like particular about who I brought around him with good reason. I feel like because um I just didn't yeah like I think it's because I got like weird DMs from guys being like oh my gosh I love kids and I'm like okay get away for me like I feel like guys who would try to use like a kid to be like I'm so good with kids like I love

kids and I'm like okay get away like because I feel like they're kind of overcompensating yeah and I feel like at VYU like you know there is honor code I feel like since people who knew that I had a kid some of the guys would be like, oh, like she's down, like, DTF. And I'm like, no. So like, I feel like that was also part of it where I was like very protective of like who I let around my son and honestly even bringing him up like around guys in the beginning. Like until I was like comfortable with a guy. I'm like, I have no need to like talk about my son around them because I just like wanted to protect that. And so it's pretty particular about it. And then I'm introduced him when they were like 10 months. But me and him were friends. Like we weren't even dating.

Like it was like we were around each other for two months before he like was in the picture. And so, I was like, okay, like, he's just a friend, you know? And it's like, it's fine. And then obviously, it turned into more and he was like so good with him. It was just like crazy. And like, that's another reason why you don't want him around your kids. Because, like, you have a guy who's so good with your kid. You're going to be like, you're going to like him more, right? So I didn't want to do that for that reason as well. I want to like a guy because I like him, not because he's good with my kid. And then if I like him and he is good with my kid, then like, great. But like, you kind of have to have two parts of the equation, you know? Yeah. So it's like tricky navigating it as like a mom.

But it, like, worked out, obviously, like, really well. How long did you guys date before you got married? Yeah. It was like two years. Okay. So, like, two years unofficially and, like, officially dating is like a year and a half. Okay. They were going, like, on dates and stuff for two years.

Yeah. Which is, like, long for Mormons. Yeah. Like, that's pretty long. Were you, like, apprehensive to, like, want to take that next step in the relationship? Or was that just kind of the pace you guys were going at? I feel like I was apprehensive to date him. officially. Like, because like I, at the time when he wants, he is the one who's like, I want to be official. And I was

like, no. And I think it's because like, I had boyfriends back to back relationships and I was finally getting my confidence back. And I was like, I just want to be single for a little bit and see like what I really want. Yeah. So I dated him in like two other guys at the same time. Kind of just like seeing what I wanted, what who I liked and stuff. And then I was like, he's literally like the best guy. Like I can't like, it was just like one of those things where it was like so obvious. And I just like didn't want to commit. Yeah. And then once I did, it was like history obviously. But, um, yeah. And even getting married, I think we both, like, because we're from California. I feel like, Utah Mormons, I feel like typically get married so fast. And like for us, I was like, I want to date someone longer, see like every season of them because like I had been through bad relationships. Like I was an abusive relationship. And so I feel like I had learned from that. Like I need to make sure I know this guy inside and out. Like know what I'm getting myself into because it, I think it was only, it took like three to four months before I saw the red flags with my abuser. And so I was like, we need to date. Make sure this guy is like a good guy that he's like really. serious about being a father. And so yeah, so that was like part of the reason too. And I think I just

wasn't in like a huge rush. I wasn't like in a huge rush to be like one of those super, super young married girls like they are in Utah. But I still was young when I got married though. And I think about it. I was 23. Like that's like young. Okay. Yeah. Like for Utah, that's like mid, which is so funny. Like people get married at like 19, like. So me having a baby at 20 and getting pregnant at 19 is like not out of the ordinary there. But for me, I was like, this is so. psychotic. Like this is bizarre. Yeah. That's so, that's so interesting, like the dynamic. Because I think I talked about that with Michaela, like the California Mormon versus the Utah Mormon. Yeah, it's very, to me it's very different. Yeah. And Jacob's also a California.

California. Okay. Yeah. So that's also why I liked him a lot too because I'm like, great. Like, I don't, this is funny because I live in Utah. I was like, I don't want to be stuck in Utah forever, which is ironic because I'm still there. But we both like eventually want to get to California or like have both. Like have a house in Utah. in California, hopefully. I've heard, honestly, nothing but good things about Utah. You guys should buy a house there. Honestly, the Arnold sisters have almost convinced me to buy a home there.

I feel like everyone loves it there, actually. Yeah. Like, it's great. And I always try to convince people too. It's like, oh, I'm more friends. Like, come to Utah. I know. I need to make a trip out of it.

Get some swag. I've been telling, one, I really want to try that, but also I've been telling Jesse, I need to get extensions. Oh, yes. Have her come to your hair. I know. Or like you go there and get your hair done. Yeah.

And we'll hang out. We'll like a trip out of it. Yeah, we should. That'd be so fun. I would love that. I know. Sometimes I get caught up in how I think I should look instead of focusing on how I actually feel in my body.

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Yes. And this is something that in the book you really like open up about for the first time about sexual trauma, emotional abuse. and first of all, I want to applaud you and thank you for opening up about it. Because I've read some of it and you're very detailed and honest about what happened. I one can't imagine that was probably not easy for you to have to relive and write. But in the same breath, I'm so thankful you did because I feel like there's a lot of when it comes to rape and when it comes to sexual abuse, like we see it as this one thing, but really it's a whole section of other things also.

And the average person, the average woman really doesn't realize it that that may be what's going on unless there is people like you that are opening up and sharing your stories. And I'm like, oh, wait, I actually went through something like that. Is that what, like, that's similar to what I went through. Yeah. So I just want to thank you for doing. that because I think it's so obviously I have this podcast so I think it's important to like share about that to help but you just really dive into it and I'm so proud of you for that but I I want to know like writing about those details again was that hard for you to do yeah like it's definitely very

vulnerable obviously and it's like hard to be like because I do get into like a lot of detail and like I am an open book which yeah I'm writing a book but like I am an open book with a lot of things but it's still I it's because it's like when I'm writing it, I'm almost writing it for myself. And like sometimes I forget that people are going to read it, which is also why I probably is good. Like I forgot who I was talking to. They're like, I read your book and I thought I was like reading a diary. And I'm like, that's kind of how it is because when I'm writing it, I'm thinking about like just the experience. I'm not thinking about who's reading it. Like I know it's going to help that person, but I'm also writing it for me. And it's because it's like really freeing to be like,

this is like what happened. And like I've talked about in the past, but never go into like major detail like I do in the book. But in my head too, it's like it's the bigger picture here because like when I was going through I didn't even know I was being abused like for like a while until like I literally eventually like Googled it and I was like what was happening to me because I'm like, am I crazy? Like I literally thought I was like going crazy because like he would just tell me like you don't know what it's like to be like a girl like a good girlfriend like you've never been in a relationship before and all those things like I like thought I was like crazy like am I like making this up?

Like it's just yeah, it was bizarre. And so I like literally Googled it because I was like a girl. like, okay, like, I'm going to Google this because I don't know what's going on. And when I Googled it, like, every single thing I saw was like, what I was experiencing. So I was like, okay. I feel like that's why the book comes across so well is like you're not like, it comes from such an authentic place in what you were saying about like you're writing in your diary. Like that's how it feels. Yeah. And I think that's why your book is going to have like such a big impact on people is because it is just, you're just authentic. You're not writing, you're not writing a book to write a book to make money to do all this things like you're genuinely

like writing it from a place of this happened to me and I want to like share my story it's like my passion project for years now yeah I want to know a little bit more about uh you talk about like feeling the need to stay silent because of like the faith driven yeah environment you were in what is that in regards to your sexual abuse or what um what what what made you feel like you need to stay silent. Well, at the time I felt like I had to because he was blackmailing me. So he basically like, anytime I tried to break up with him or anything, he'd be like, well, you're screwed. Like, I'm telling Honor Code. And like, back then, Honor Code didn't have the same policies that they do today to protect, like, women. So back then it was like, since I was drinking and this happened

to me, like, I would still get in trouble for drinking or like, he would send photos to me like drinking or partying or whatever. And like, I would be in trouble with Honor Code. So like, that's kind of how he stayed in the relationship so long is because like any time I tried to break up. It was like, that's what he would threaten. And I was like, that means I'm losing my scholarship. Like, if I didn't have a tennis scholarship and I wasn't there for tennis, I probably would have been like, go ahead. Like, I'll just go to a school if they kicked me out. But like, I had the scholarship and like my sister was my tennis coach. So it was like, I would be disappointing and like embarrassing like her. Granted I did that anyway,

I was getting pregnant probably, but like whatever. So like, yeah. So I think that was like kind of the reason why I stayed in it. And even then I didn't stay that long. Like I stayed as long as I felt like I could until I felt like I could break away. But like, yeah, that's why I kept staying is because like every time I'd break up with him, which like it was probably once every other week, he would like threaten something. So it was like I didn't want to risk losing that because that's like what I worked my whole life for. So it's like having a dream taken away from you. Like overnight, I don't want that to happen. Yeah. How did you get out of that relationship? Basically, he was having like all these like stomach issues. Honestly, I think it was just anxiety

manifesting in his stomach. And he was like, I'm going to go home to figure out what it is. And he was from California. Got it. And so literally the day he left is when I was like, hey, like, I think that maybe we should take a break and like break up kind of thing. But I was like super nice. It was like overly nice.

Like I just love you so much and I just need to focus on tennis and like this and that. Like we can maybe get back together when I'm done and like blah, blah, blah. But being very nice and he like cried and stuff because he's a freaking baby. But whatever. And then like. And then, like, I, yeah, I just, like, did that. And I still kind of talked to him for a little bit because I just was scared. He was going to, like, retaliate.

For sure. And also, it's like, is it called, like, Stockholm syndrome where you kind of, like, go back, like, you go back to your abuser because, like, that's what you think you deserve. And so, yeah. I felt that way at that time, too. So I still talked to him, too, because, like, I, like, convinced myself who's, like, a good person still. Like, I think he was in a message.

Like, I just love you. And you're so great. And I'm going to be so sad. I'm like, what the hell? Like I was, I was like brainwashed, basically. And so it took a while to get like back to normal, I would say. Yeah. At least a couple of weeks.

I didn't go out with friends. It's like I didn't want to and anything like that. And so, but I knew I wanted to be free from him. Yeah. And so I did that and I was free. But like we still talked a little bit. And then like I met Eric literally like two weeks after. So I did go from relationship to relationship.

Okay. Yeah, like back to back. Oh, wow. Was it? Is it like nerve wracking at all, writing about this? and knowing that that person is going to like know that you're writing about them. Oh, not him. I could care less.

Like he can go F himself if he's listening to this. I'm just kidding. No, but actually like I feel like I've been getting that question quite a bit. I'm like honestly no. Like I had to change kind of like his appearance a little bit in the book. So I took subtle jabs that I enjoyed quite a bit because I had to say like, I'm like he's tall. And then I made him like shorter than six foot. So in the book because he was pretty tall.

But it's funny because in the book, I'm like, and he was very tall. And it's like, all the power to you, girl. He was 5, 10 or something. And I'm like, okay, well, that's still like decent for a guy. But I'm like, I keep saying how tall he is. People are going to be like, that's not that tall. Like, why you keep saying that? Yeah.

It's because, yeah, I was taking subtle japs because I had to because I think they were scared that like he would sue if he saw it. But I was like, go ahead and let him. Like I'm like, I'm not scared. Go ahead and try to sue me. You probably still work for your daddy. I'm like, I'm like, going off now. I'm like, you work for your dad.

You're not successful. So, like, he, I probably can't get those certain items away. But, like, I changed his car to the car that he hated and stuff like that just because I was like, just for fun, you know? Because I had to change his sport and things like that. Yeah. When I was reading it, I figured that that was the case. So you caught on.

Just because of, for those reasons. Yeah. To protect you in that in any outcome. But I figured that. But I was wondering if, because I've always wondered that, like, people have hurt me. and done things to me that I've like don't, I feel like I don't really want to talk about because, like, it's very obvious who it is.

And I'm like, not that I don't want to, you know, their life could be ruined. Yeah. But, like, I feel like that's, like a little bit of, like, a hard, like. It is hard. Because, like, part of me wants to. My degree of hurt is not your, you know. But so part of you probably wants to expose it and, like,

just be free and, like, say their name. And, but then, like, part of me is, like, I just don't, like, want the drama in my life. I don't want. So I changed most people. people's names in the book besides my family members and then like my friend tayla and then i think that people at b yu like that were really good to me like i think i kept tom homo's name in who's the athletic director like verne and phooey which were like they're real people like that's their names um yeah and they're at

b yu like so they were so great that was like i'm keeping keeping their names in there you know i love that um what what do you think was like the training point that helped you kind of begin to like talk about all of this again. Is it just, you're like, it's time? Well, I feel like when I got married is when I started talking about it more because I think that's when I like kind of was happier maybe. Like I was like feeling good and like. You probably like felt safe too.

Yeah, it felt safe. Yeah. And then so I did write a blog like years ago and talked a little bit about it but like not nearly in depth as this. But, um, and then now I just like don't care. Like I feel like I'm at the point where like I want to tell this story. I can know how many people it can help. and that's been my purpose even starting social media.

Like I started social media to tell my story because I, no one was doing it back then as far as like, no one was being like, I don't say authentic, but like it was like the perfect Instagram families and like perfectly cleaned house and like now people are a lot more vulnerable online. But like that like that was going through all my like trauma. And so I was like I want to show people that like life isn't a fairy tale because like it can sure like certain aspects can but like no one's life is perfect. Yeah. People want someone to relate to. and I wanted to be the person to relate to because I didn't have that when I was going through it. So it's like, I'll be that person. So that was kind of like the purpose of even like starting my social media to begin with. And that's like honestly how I grew my account was like by doing that. And so yes, like it's always been like my purpose. Even now, it's like when I think like, what am I doing back to my purpose and like that's like I go back to my purpose and like that's what I go back to my purpose. I'm like, I go back to my purpose. I'm like, getting my book deals, like that's why it's so full circle for me. Like getting my book deals, play. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, getting my book deals, play. my like my favorite and best accomplishment of everything like the show nothing it's the book like

that's what it is for me and so like it was yeah like the first person I called it was my dad because he was the one who kind of like inspired me to write it and stuff too so it's just like so full circle I'm like so can't believe it's like happening so writing all the dirty details I'm like that's just part of it I'm like and that's exciting because I add a lot of stories like you know like that people have never heard before like I talk about like my first like sexual experiences and sometimes when I think about that I'm like my parents are going to read this and I like forget about I'm like, great. Yeah.

That's what happened. Sorry. No, it's so good. I love, I love. If people are like willing to share it and the stuff that you have been through, like the fact that you're willing to share it with everyone is just, it's honestly so special. And we need people like you in this world to make things more approachable, more digestible. Yeah. And to feel less alone as cliche as it is, like it's the most over you're saying.

But I really feel that that is what it boils down to. is like we're not, we're not the only ones that have gone through this. And it makes it so much less scary, like, hearing about it. And, you know, reading what you've gone through. It's like, oh, I've, I've been through, even if it's not the same thing, I've been through something similar or a family member has and I can relate to them now. Yes. In a new light. Yes. And I think people don't realize it too. If they, like, watch the show and stuff and they sometimes think it's like, oh, the glitz, the glamour, the brand deals. But I'm like, no, but like, well, yeah, it's great. But, like, also, like, a lot of us, like, have stories that are, like, so much.

deeper than that. Yeah. And you just don't get to see them. Yeah. And so now I'm, like, excited because I will say people don't see a lot of what my story is in the show. Like, it's not drama. So it tends to take the back burner here.

But it's just okay. But that's why I have the book because then I can share the whole story. And I'm like super grateful for that. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. That's special. I want to know what, what's been like the most helpful for you kind of, honestly, in recovery from

I think you were. experiencing a lot of trauma for a good chunk of your life there. What's kind of helped you through? Has it been like family therapy? What has it been for you? Honestly, a mixture of all of it. I would say like feeling safe, like having a partner that I feel safe with. Therapy for sure.

I actually haven't done a ton of therapy, believe it or not. But I probably need it. Because I'll start and I'll be like, yeah, I don't like that. I'm good. Or I'll get through something, work through something. I'm like, I did it. And I like so much more to work through. And then I'm like, I'm good.

Yeah. Because I did do EMDR for like my sexual abuse and stuff. But I only did it for like one specific event. And there's probably like 10 more events I need to do it for. And so after it took like four weeks to get through one event, I was like, yeah. Like if I do this for the year, I'm going to be chronically depressed. Like so I was like, I'm good. And like, but then it still affects you, right?

It's like I still have things that affect me to this day and it's been over 10 years. So it's like I know I need to go. And I actually still never have worked through like Eric's death and therapy. Like I still haven't. And I think it's because it's still hard and I just like avoid it because like I just want to be happy and like have fun. And I don't want to be like sad. And I think therapy forces you to work through it, which is like it's good. Yeah.

In the long run because it's like you're digging deeper to where you don't have things trigger you and affect you. Yeah. So I need to go back for sure. But we'll see if I get there this year. next. Yeah. I loved, I loved EMDR therapy. I did it for nursing for like all of my COVID stuff and it worked wonders for me, but it is. It's intense. It's very intense. Taylor tried it and he did not, he did not like it? Did he feel like depressed for a couple days after? Because that's how I felt. I just felt like so blah the next like two days. I think it's hard too because I think for obviously

women, it tends to be easier for us to be like, and this is. and this and this and this and we're just like spilling everything and taylor is specifically someone who is like very closed off um and it does take him feeling like in a safe environment to kind of like open up and it was i think because it was so intense he was like oh but uh he loves talk therapy our therapist is like the best we actually have the same we see the same like talk therapist um but i would i would encourage you to get back into it once i know i know I need to find someone that I truly like enjoy. Yeah.

And my last therapist was nice. But I think I need to find someone who I feel more connected to. It's a, it's honestly, it is a relationship. Like that's what I always tell people is people are like, I've tried like multiple therapists. I'm like honestly like, like, keep trying. You got to find your person. Yeah.

You got to just find someone that you mesh with that maybe like has the same like views as you or religion as you. Like that I feel like is super helpful. Yeah. Did you do it virtual or do you do it in person? In person. Well, also, if we're not home, we'll do it over the phone. But he's like 15 minutes from us. Okay, I was just curious because I'm like, I wonder if like, if there'd be a difference for me. Because I did do it in person the past. I think, I think also doing it over the phone. Well, there's so many different like virtual things. So for anyone listening, there's a lot of virtual therapy you can do. But I also love if I'm traveling, it's almost like scheduling a meeting. And I just like put my headphones in and I go outside and walk. And that way I'm just like, it gives me like, it gives me like.

like time for my brain to reset. And I will always say the lead up to the therapy session is not fun. And then after I'm like, okay, yeah, I feel a little lighter. And it's the same like, anticipating, anticipating. And they're like, okay, I feel better. So. Yeah. And I always say mental health is once you start to struggle with it and you finally start to like open up like everything that's going on, it's always going to be like a battle something like a one and done thing. Yes. But the process to get to healing and then when something in life happens, you have those tools and you're equipped to like handle that. I completely agree.

I completely agree. I just need to find my person, I think. I know. I'm going to start searching us because I go on my to do list. I know. I'd love to hear advice for a woman out there that maybe feels too afraid to speak up, maybe is unsure what exactly is going on in the relationship that they're in. in just advice that you would give to them.

I would say one thing that I wish I would have done differently is like I talk about in the book, but like I had a gut feeling early on in the relationship before we were even like official and I didn't listen to it. Like my body was literally like telling me. And I think that like our bodies are really smart even if we don't see like the red flags yet. Like I think our bodies can sometimes tell us. And then my body was like I did not want to see him one day.

I just like, I don't know what it is. Like, I felt like physically sick. Like, I did not want to go out and I wasn't sick, you know? Yeah. And I just like almost felt like I had like a flu. Like I was just like, I do not want to be around him. Mom's like, why? And I'm like, I don't know.

Like, I just don't know why. And I ended up going and then obviously we like pursued the relationship, right? But like looking back, I'm like, that was like my first sign that I completely ignored. And like, but sometimes you don't realize. Like their body can tell you things. I think trust your gut, like your intuition. Like if something doesn't sound right or it's too. good to be true it probably is yeah and those were the things i was like young so i was like oh like no

big deal and like this and that you know yeah even stories like him talking about his ex-girlfriend and then she did this and that and i'm like looking back i'm like red flag red flag red flag but like i just didn't see it at the time because i was like oh she must have been the crazy one right because that's like what they portray it as and like you're young and you don't understand so i'd say like any any signs of that like any jealousy possessiveness early in the relationship where it doesn't make sense yet. Red flag. Like it's not like cute because he's being protective. Like trust me, it's gonna get worse. So love bombing too. Big on the love bombing. And I was love bombed like crazy in the beginning. But I didn't know what that was. So it's like things like that. I know. I feel like that's a

new, that's a new word that where it was not around at the time. I just figured out what that was three years ago. And I was like that happened to me. I'd get bouquets of flowers when I didn't even hardly know him. Like things like buying me Tiffany's necklaces and I knew him like a month, stuff like that where I was like, this is so charming. And I was like, Prince Charming. And like, looking back, I'm like, no, he was the devil in disguise. Yeah. So like, I would always just like, look out for the red flags. Trust your guy and your intuition. Because it's probably right. Yeah. Who, I forgot to ask this earlier. Who was the first person you told about your abuse? Oh, man. And how long after was it? It was a while. I think my friends were catching on a little

bit and like my tennis friends and this is why because um like on the tennis court I was a psychopath like pretty much like I was like hitting myself with my racket like my legs were black and blue like oh wow like so bad I remember one time I got so mad I hit my I went to hit my shoe with my racket and like as hard as I can hit my ankle bone and it was so swollen I told them that I sprained my ankle and in reality I like did it to myself and it was like embarrassed I was like I I better walk this off because it's embarrassing. So I was like technically like self-harming in a way I didn't really realize with self-harm back then. So I was just like, oh, I'm just angry playing tennis.

But like I took out all my anger and aggression on the tennis court. Yeah. And so my friends were like, you're different. Like something's wrong with you. And I was like, that's kind of when I was like, yeah, like things aren't like great. But I didn't really open up about it. Yeah. And they were kind of like, I think you guys like need to split kind of thing.

And I was like, and I already knew I wanted to. But I just didn't, I couldn't tell them like, hey, I'm being like trapped. I'm being black males. Like I didn't do that, you know? But I think people started seeing it. But I didn't really open up about it, I think, until I opened up about it a little bit to Eric being like, hey, this was kind of happening behind the scenes, but not like into detail. I don't think I really got into detail until I got married, honestly.

I told my parents a little bit about it when I got pregnant and came home. Yeah. But not nowhere near the details of what actually happened. Yeah. I just would basically tell him, like, you can't say his name. Because my parents said his name when I was pregnant, I'd have vivid dreams of him. Like I had nightmares, my whole pregnancy about him. I didn't really realize what was happening to me.

But it was just because, like, I was so abused and I had no idea kind of thing. Like, I kind of knew, but I didn't know, like, to the extent of, like, how traumatizing it was for me until, like, I got older, my brain developed. And I was like, wow, that was, like, really bad. So, yeah, it was crazy. Did you do talk therapy for it at all, or is it just something that you and Jacob kind of, like, you just kind of, because I'm sure that I probably had some effects on your marriage. to a degree. Oh yeah, my sexual relationship struggled a lot in the beginning, I would say, and I didn't, I didn't understand it because my sexual relationship with Eric was fine, but I didn't really realize this because I was pretty much drinking every time we did sexual

things. So like, I didn't care, right? And it took into where I got married to understand that I, like, had a lot of sexual trauma that didn't understand it because I didn't understand it. I was like, why do I not want to be touched? Like, why do I not? Like, and so my husband, it was hard for him to because he's like, are you like attracted to me? Like, so, because I never talked about it. I would never tell him. I had a really hard time opening up in my marriage at all about like abuse and trauma because it's like vulnerable sometimes to make this happen to me and it like hurts me, you know? And I don't know why that felt so vulnerable to me. So I think it took a full year into our

marriage where I was like, this is why. But like why? Like I'm attracted to you. I love you. I just like I sometimes get triggered by things and I don't know why. And even then I didn't like, because I never really done a lot of therapy. I haven't really done therapy. And so I was like, I didn't even know like I was being triggered. I was just like, why do I like, because I'd always like go like this. Like we would start like making out or whatever. And I don't know why I would like be like literally protecting myself. Yeah.

Not really realizing what I was doing. Yeah. And so like and then I started going to therapy like after that. Yeah. And that definitely helped. And I think with time it's also helped in being more comfortable with your partner. Because yeah. We didn't have sex before marriage, me and my husband.

Because like I was trying to be a good Mormon. So yeah. We waited. And so I think like all of a sudden going from not doing anything to like now I can do whatever you want to be like it's like kind of yeah it's just like I don't say aggressive because I'm not aggressive but it's kind of different right like and so I think like it was just a lot and I didn't realize it because I was like wow I can't wait to get married like can't wait to get back to my old self right but then I've got married and I was like this is different you know

and so I think like once I started going to therapy and then like once you're more comfortable with your partner sexually then like I started to like you know progress obviously in that relationship yeah but it was hard like I did the EMDR and like different things And there's, to this day, I'll get triggered by things, like sexually. And emotionally, too, like, if my husband, he never raises his voice at me. But, like, if he ever even gets a tone, I feel like, probably because from my past relationship, I am such a bitch. I'll be like, don't you dare talk to me like that. Yeah. And he's, like such an angel too. So I feel bad. But, like, he just knows. Like, if he gets, like, loud, even with the kids, like, hey, don't touch that. Like this and that. I'm like, ooh, like, like, it irks me because I think it stems from, like, my abuse. Because, like, sometimes I, like, don't know what it is. I'm like, you just, like, like, just, like, like, like, trying to. to be a good dad. And I'm like, you're driving me nuts. So, like, it's just a lot of it stems from the past. So therapy has definitely helped, but I need more of it for sure.

I want to know what advice you would give to someone that is, wants to share their story, wants to speak up, but is feeling too afraid to or that maybe what they've been through isn't valid, quote unquote, to say enough. Well, I think it's always valid because I think no matter what you're always going to have someone to relate to, even if maybe your story isn't as intense as mine or someone else is. It's like everyone has a valid story. Like even like a Taylor on the show, like what she's going through in her relationship wasn't, it's like different, right? But like it still affects her so much emotionally. It's like that's valid. And that's valid to tell your story about it because I guarantee you there's

someone who can relate to you. I guarantee you there's been a girl who's walked in your shoes. So I say it's always valid. I feel like my advice on that is like when you're ready because you do it too soon and it's going to hurt and it's going to not feel. maybe authentic. I feel like when you feel like it's time and you're like, I want to share this. Just do it and don't even think about it. Because I guarantee it's going to help so many people. Like I almost didn't share. Like when I wrote my blog originally, I wasn't planning on sharing that I even had an abusive relationship. None of that because I was like scared. Yeah. And I was also like it's so vulnerable. Yeah. But then something inside me was like you have to share this. Like and I didn't

know what it was because I was like not planning on it. And then once I did like the amount and I almost shared a very surface level version of it. Yeah. The amount of message. as I got from other women. Like that's when I saw like, oh, there was a reason why I needed to share this. I think when you realize the impact of what you're going to tell is bigger than being scared, it's like so worth it. And if you don't feel like you want to share those things, you don't have to. Like, you don't have to do it, you know?

But like if you feel like it's going to make you feel free and it's going to help other people, then do it. Like just don't even think, just do it. I would even say like write it down too. Like I'm sure there was someone healing in writing. Like I always feel like I'm not a good, even though I do this for a living. I'm not a good speaker. sometimes when it comes to like sharing something that I've been through or my emotions and I just

like have to write it down and then I can write it and read it and I'm like oh that's like is less scary than it's sounded in my head and like yeah it's just like it gives you an outlet to be able to like let it out it's yeah it's healing like I wrote through my whole pregnancy because my dad gave me that journal and it was like I don't ever like to write in a journal but I feel like it was therapeutic for me because it was someone to talk to that was like well as a page but like it was not Someone who's going to like bug me or give me advice. Like I don't want advice. Just want to like tell someone something, you know.

And that was very helpful because I also helped me write my book, the whole journal I used it. So I think it's very freeing if you don't feel like publicly sharing it. Yeah, like writing. I think it's like great, great advice. Like I need to keep writing in my journal because I stop. When I'm happy, I stop writing. Yeah, I know.

It's funny how that happens. Yeah, right. Well, I love you. And I am just so excited for you. Thank you. All that this book is going to bring and all the help it's going to bring. But I'm just, I'm proud of you. I think you taking these steps is so amazing and not that you needed to hear it.

But just as your friend, I'm just, I'm just so excited for you. Thanks so much. I'm so excited for one to read it. And scared. We'll leave a link. We'll leave a link. Yes. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services.

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