The Squeeze - Mel Robbins: Let Them

Episode Date: January 22, 2025

In this week’s episode, we’re joined by best-selling author and podcast host Mel Robbins to dive deep into her transformative "Let Them" theory, the subject of her latest book, which is out now! Mel shares how this simple yet powerful mindset, inspired by a moment at her son’s prom, has reshaped her life and relationships. We explore how focusing on what you can control—your thoughts, actions, and emotional processing—can bring clarity and peace. Mel breaks down how the theory helps you recognize where others stand in your life, let go of unnecessary control, and find the peace that comes with learning to "let them" be who they are. She also offers practical advice for implementing the theory in your own life and reflects on how it has profoundly impacted her own relationships!Be sure to follow Mel https://instagram.com/melrobbins/Get a copy of Mel’s new book “The Let Them Theory” here: https://www.melrobbins.com/letthemtheoryTo email us your questions or share your story, you can reach out to [e-mail] sure to rate, review, and follow the podcast so you don't miss an episode! Plus, follow us on Instagram:The Squeeze:  https://instagram.com/thesqueeze/Tay Lautner: https://instagram.com/taylautner/Taylor Lautner: https://instagram.com/taylorlautner/& TikTok:  https://tiktok.com/@thesqueezepodcastTo learn more from The Lemons Foundation, follow  https://instagram.com/lemonsbytay/ and visit lemonsbytay.comEpisode Sponsors:Head to Ollie.com/SQUEEZE, tell them about your dog, and use code SQUEEZE at checkout to get 60% off your first box of meals when you subscribe today!Go to Cymbiotika.com/SQUEEZE for 20% off your order + free shipping today.Visit www.birdygrey.com now to get your first 6-swatches for free - available for a limited time only.Get 10% off your order when you go to Hero.co and use code SQUEEZE at checkoutGo to qualialife.com/SQUEEZE and use code SQUEEZE at checkout for up to 15% off your first purchase.Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Auto-hue with Sunny Cars feels as if the children not be made. Kiselstramble Zand-Worda. Actis-verkeer, verdwine, Vacantia can chaotic

but who zorgalos an auto-hurt says, One dos no stress. No idea Nocted cost always full-ledgert. So,

would auto-hue without your rice-adviseur or sunnycars. Mell, welcome to the squeeze. You're welcome. You're welcome. Welcome to the good squeeze.

I say you're welcome. Oh, my God. This is already off the rails. I'm excited to squeeze both of you. Oh, we're diving right in. Nothing. I'm getting sweaty under the sweater. Oh, well, you are actually. I feel you made warm. Any sort of conflict or confrontation, I just vanish. Oh, my gosh, you're going to love the let them theory. I didn't learn the let them theory until two years ago. And I was the kind of person that just tried to control everything. People around me, situations at work, if you try to control something that's beyond your control, it just creates stress and frustration and friction inside you. Learning how to identify, what can I control, and what can I not control? And there's only three things you can control in life.

What you think, what you do or don't do, and how you process your emotions. That's it. That's all you got. And that's all you need. We will never be able to control what somebody else thinks, says, or does. You've got to learn to let other people have their feelings, let other people have their thoughts, let people do what they're going to do, has created so much peace and freedom in my life. Learning that the best way to love somebody is to let them be themselves. And the best way to

motivate somebody to change is to actually leave them alone. With that, Mel, welcome to the squeeze. You're welcome. You're welcome. Welcome to the squeeze. And I say, you're welcome. Oh, my God. This is already off the rails. It is your welcome for setting us up like that. Yeah. It was such a natural segue. That was a good. That was a good intro. So thank you. You're welcome. Thank you. I'm excited to squeeze both of you. Yeah. Look forward to it. I don't even think I really need that laptop. I feel like she could just talk to us for an hour. You just want to interview us? Sure. So what do you hate most about him? Oh, we're diving right in. Nothing. I'm getting sweaty under the sweater. Oh, well, you are actually. I feel you made warm. You feel my warm? That's a mentally healthy response to being in my presence. Okay. Because you know, I am just going to go. right at it.

Oh, I love, I love. Great. Those personalities scare Taylor. I love them. Yeah. Really? It's true. I'm married to somebody like you, so.

Okay. Yes. You guys have a lot of fun. Yes. A turtle. Just suck right back into that shell. There's like any, um, any like, uh, what were we talking about yesterday in therapy?

Conflict or confrontation. Yeah. If there's any sort of conflict or confrontation, I just want to vanish. Oh my gosh. You're going to love the let them theory. Am I? See? Well, yeah, because being afraid of conflict isn't actually about being afraid of conflict.

Okay. It's an inability to tolerate uncomfortable emotions and yourself for other people. Yeah. It's your internal conflict that is the issue. It's not the conflict with the other person. Yeah. And the interesting thing about the tactic of just avoiding it is it doesn't make the conflict go away. Yeah.

And so there is a better way to go through life. And it's to learn that you can let someone else be upset. You can let the conversation be difficult. And you can still say what you need to say and do what you need to do and hold space for both things. And I'm sure we're going to talk a lot about this theme of control and how every one of us has a hardwired need for. control in our life. It's literally every human being you know in order to feel safe. Yeah. You have to feel like you're in control of what you say, of what you do, of the environment around you, of your future, of your decisions. And the second that somebody tries to impose

their decisions on you or they try to control you, you're going to feel unsafe. And one of the things that I learned way too late in life, and that's why I'm so excited to be able to talk to you guys about this is I'm 56 so old enough to probably be your grandmother at this point. And I didn't learn the let them theory until two years ago. And I was the kind of person that just tried to control everything. The people around me, situations at work, the world at large, and any psychologist will tell you that if you try to control something that's beyond your control, it just creates stress and frustration and friction inside you. And so learning how to identify what can I control and what can I not control and only focus

on what you can control. And there's only three things you can control in life, what you think, what you do or don't do, and how you process your emotions. That's it. That's all you got. And that's all you need. And too often, and what we're going to unpack today is that in your relationship, A lot of us confuse love with control and worry.

Yeah. And we also create friction and frustration in our relationships because we're managing other people or we're navigating our own lives based on other people's emotions or expectations. And we will never be able to control what somebody else thinks, says or does. So you've got to learn to let other people have their feelings, let other people have their thoughts, let people do what they're going to do. and constantly come back in moments where you feel stressed or frustrated or you feel like you don't know what to do, say to yourself, let me, let me remind myself, I get to choose what I think next. I get to choose what I do in response.

I get to choose how I'm going to process these emotions. And learning how to literally stop trying to control things and other people that I can't control has created so much peace and freedom in my life. I've been married for 28 years. My husband and I, I can't even explain how much better our marriage is. And it was already really good. But learning that the best way to love somebody

is to let them be themselves. Yeah. And the best way to motivate somebody to change is to actually leave them alone. Right. Why do you say right? Because, yeah, I think it's, I think it's thought too often that if you want to change somebody, you have to, you know,

whether it's forcefully or sneakily, you know, trick them into doing what you think they should be doing. Right. How does she do that to you? She's very good at letting me figure it out. She's not a sit-me-down type of person and like, hey, you're doing this and I think you should be doing this. So she definitely is very good at, I know what she's thinking, but she'll never sit me down and be like, sometimes I want that though. Yeah. Like that we're different in that way. Sometimes I wish she would sit me down and say, I disagree with what you're doing.

Like, I think you're harming yourself. You should be doing this. Like I'm like, just tell it to me. But she wants me to figure that out, which sounds like it's, you know, a good thing. Very good thing. Do the right thing. I'm literally so excited. Not bad for your second year of marriage.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we have been together for like seven years. So we had a little practice. We had a little practice. Yeah, we communicate. I feel like really well with each other. Well, I'd say if you're doing a podcast together about mental health, you probably have learned

to communicate pretty well together. It's the goal. Yeah. Either or that or you're doing it indirectly by really putting other people in the hot seat. Exactly. We're speaking to each other through these conversations. Can you imagine? Oh my gosh.

That would be, that would probably be really great for the ratings, but it's fine. I'm literally so excited right now. I keep smiling because I'm so giddy. I just love having like experts like you on and I'm just so excited to have you on specifically. because I just love everything that you do and what you're about. And I love that you keep it real. And at the same time, like, there's, I feel like with, you know, mental health and how to go about

these, like, wellness techniques and self-help things, whatever it is, sometimes there's, like, not a practicality to it. And I feel like you keep it very practical, which I love. But we were actually at dinner with my parents the other night. And, you know, we're just talking about life, who we were having on the podcast. They like never know who we're having on. And they were like, who are you guys taping with? And I was like, oh, well, next week we're with Mel Robbins.

My mom literally like throws her drink across the table. Mel Robbins. And I was like, you know who that is? My parents, I don't know who anyone is. And she was like, yeah, I send you Instagram videos. No, she goes, the first thing she goes, she goes, yeah, the let them theory. I was like, what are you talking about? She was like, I just sent it to your dad.

And then she like starts going on about your social media. Instagram reels of her before. Yeah. And we're notorious for not watching all of the Instagram real she sends us. Let them, you know. Sorry, Mom. Yeah, we watched some of them, just not all of them. But, yeah, she was very excited.

Yeah, so we're just really excited to dive into this. You actually just nailed why the Mel Robbins podcast was the fifth most followed podcast in the world on Apple Podcasts this year. It's because everybody, is sharing the episodes because there's something we're talking about that you think somebody else in your life could benefit from. And my mission being here with you guys today is to make sure that we leave the person who's listening with something to do. And that as we're talking that, and you're spending time together with the three of us, that you're either thinking of yourself

or somebody who could benefit from what we're about to share with you. Because there is no doubt that the Let Them Theory and learning how two simple words change your whole life will change your life, it will change every relationship that you have because every single one of us right now is working against the fundamental wiring of human beings. We're trying to control each other and change each other. And it's backfiring. And there's a better way to go through relationships.

I discovered this too late. Thank God, I discovered this at 54, but if I could have known this at the age of 19 or 20, the amount of freaking toxic behavior and disgusting stuff that I regret that I did to myself or other people probably wouldn't have happened because I would have understood

that in the game of life, you're never playing against other people, you're playing with them. And that the cards that you're holding are what you have to focus on. And it's where your power is. You can learn how to play the game of life from other people. They can make you better players, but you're never competing against them.

You're never against them. If you learn to play with people and you learn to focus not on what cards they're holding and trying to change them or being jealous of them, but actually just always coming back and realizing that you win by looking at your hand and figuring out how to play it. And I think a lot about this because I was always so obsessed about what everybody else was doing. and feeling like I knew better for my kids or my husband or my parents, they should be this way, they should be that way.

And the second that you learn, if you just focus on yourself and you focus on making changes that make you proud of yourself, then everything shifts in your life. Because you don't spend time and energy worrying about what other people doing or feeling like it's your responsibility to make them happy. Yeah. you show up in a way where you are aligned with what you value and your energy shifts. And that changes everything.

And I don't think any of us realize how much power we have. And the reason why we don't realize that is because we've spent our lifetime giving it to other people, worrying about their opinions, managing their moods and emotions, trying to make people happy, trying to insert ourselves into the right friend group, trying to get people to operate in ways that we want them to operate. It's exhausting. Yeah. And when you learn to just let them, let adults be adults, let people live their lives. Your life gets so much better. It's just extraordinary.

So I feel like I'm so curious. I feel like we should just dive into the book. Great. Because so you say that you got this idea at 54? Uh-huh. Did something happen in your life? Yeah. So here's what happened.

So it was my son's high school prom. Never thought I would tell you that a high school prom changed my life. Yeah. I had gone through two of them with our daughters, complete fucking nightmare. Okay. You know, the tans, the this, the that, the other thing. Oh, my God. Like, you know, the claiming of the dresses in the Facebook group before it.

Like, it was just like what the fuck is going on? Yes, this is a thing. Oh, I didn't have that. And so it was like a five-month panic attack leading up to this thing. So by the time our son rolls around, I figure we got this. I've been through four of these things is going to be easy. It was worse. What?

Because, well, he was a guy. He was like so nonchalant. I'm not sure if I'm going. I don't know. Two days before all of a sudden, he's like, I'm going. So now I have to get a tux. I got to find the sneakers he wants. It's like this mad dash race, you know, a date that he doesn't know.

And so I'm in overdrive, like most moms, completely irritating, controlling, and micromanaging. And we get to the night of the prom. We get into the car and we go to the pre-prom, where everybody takes photos. And our daughter, Kendall, who went to USC, was home for a break. And so she was with us. And so we go to this person's house and we take the photos.

And then all of a sudden out of nowhere it starts to rain. And by rain, I'm talking like downpour. And nobody is ready for this. not to mention, because I have not been read in on the details, I am now kind of learning in bits and pieces how the evening is going to go. And it's very different because we had moved from how our daughters was going to go. So I'm like finding, wait a minute, there's no bus. You're driving?

What do you mean you're going to borrow Dad's truck? You're driving to the prom? What? Where are you guys going to dinner? You don't have reservations for dinner? Now it's raining. So now I'm like getting all- clamped up. And as you're listening and I see you nodding, you're probably thinking about moments

where, you know, your parents or somebody just, like, had their grips on you. And so all the parents now are getting worked up because of the rain and no umbrellas and nowhere to eat and now they're all driving. And I start yelling, uh, I can't find a reservation. And my daughter grabs my arm and is like, mom, you're being annoying. And I'm like, but they don't have a reservation. And Oakley's like, oh, no, no, we're just going to go to the taco stand. I'm like, taco stand. You can't go to the taco stand in the pouring rain and dress. Like, you're going to ruin your...

Mom, and she, like, grabs my arm. She's like, let them. If they want to go to a taco stand, let them. But her hair, but, but, but, if he ruins his shoes, let them. But, but, mom, if they want to go to a taco stand and get soaking wet and dance in wet tuxedos all night, let them. It's their prom, not yours. Let them.

Wow. And there was something of... about just the contrast of my ridiculousness and her, like, grip on my arm and the let them, let them, let them, let them, that it just had this weird effect. Like, it was like, and I thought, why do I care about this? Wow. Like, why am I not worried about where I'm eating? Like, why am I allowing this to get me worked up?

Why am I creating stress for everybody? This is stupid. And I've personally never been the kind of person that could let anything go. Because I feel like it's admitting defeat. Yeah. You know, when you say, I got to let it go. It means you can't do anything about it. I hate it.

Yeah. And so there was something in me when she said that final let them that I felt this instant release. And so I walked up to Oak and I said, hey, Oak. And he's like, what? You know, because I've been really annoying. I'm like, here's 40 bucks. Go have fun. And he looked at me like, whoa, okay, thanks, mom.

Who is this woman? What if you dealt with my mom? Yeah. Yeah. And he and his date ran out the door. And yep, as they were running down to my husband's truck, it splashed mud up all over her dress and his shoes got ruined. And it's kind of cute.

And that was that. But then the next morning, I'm standing at a, like a, you know, You know, like, you go to like a big box store and you're at the garden center. Yeah. And there's like five people in front of me. And I'm standing there with my cart of stuff. And the person that is doing the checkout, it's like, beep, beep, beep. Small talk, chat, chat, chat.

Beep, beep. Oh, I forgot this. The woman runs around. And we've all been there. You're standing at the grocery store. You're five people deep. There's seven empty registers and no one's coming to like fill. it, right? And you start to feel the stress rise. And what you're going to notice when you start

using the let them theory and you start saying let them in your life is other people are really irritating. And most of your stress comes from other people. And you're allowing things that are outside of your control and that are beneath you in terms of what's worth time and energy to actually impact you. And so as I'm standing there and you feel the stress going like, where are they open another cash register and how long is this going to take and can they just shut up and like start training and you know how when you get frustrated in line you like almost want to turn to the person behind you and roll your eye and like you believe we've all been there right yeah but i just said to myself let them let them if they're not going to staff the cat let them because i don't have to

stand here i could leave yeah and how is stressing about this right now and allowing this to to to to drain my time and energy? Because I could stand in this line and I could call somebody and, like, check in. I could stand in the line and just practice being present. I could stand in the line and text somebody that I'm thinking about.

There's a lot that I can do. But instead, I'm focusing on the one thing that I can't control, which is that this garden center isn't staffed properly, and somehow I think I know how to run it better than the manager. and I'm draining my energy, which then, by the way, starts to impact the rest of my day. Yeah.

And so I just started to notice that next day, my God, traffic, let them do construction on a Monday morning. How stupid? Oh, okay, we'll let them. Or if my husband left something inside the entryway and it was right, let him. And I noticed, my God, like there are so many moments during the day. day where someone else's behavior is actually bothering me. And I'll give you another example that came up. This is something we can all relate to.

If you pull open your favorite social media account and you go to create a new post, you're going to notice something once you learn the Let Them Theory. You're going to notice that as you start to select a reel or a photo and you start to examine it and you're like, oh, should I put it on a filter? Oh, no, is it this one? Is it that? And then you write the caption. and you're like, is this too much?

Is this too little? Should I put an emoji? Like, should I do this? Should I do that? What's happening in that moment is you're giving your power to other people's opinions. Yeah. And you're managing the photo that you put up and the caption that you write because you're trying to control what somebody's going to think in response to what you're doing.

Yeah. And you're missing a critical thing. Your social media is for you. I'm going to say it again. social media is for you. It is your self-expression. Yeah. And yet, just that simple act of posting something is a moment where everybody gives power away because you are now focused and putting more priority on what other people are going to think about this rather than just say let them, let them think a negative thought, let them unfollow you. Let them have an opinion. Let them object. Let them

comment, let them do whatever they're going to do because you can't control it. Yeah. And then you come back to the second part, which is let me remind myself, this is my social media, this is for me. Let me remind myself that if I post something that aligns with who I am and that I think is cool, then that's how you win in life. It's by taking your power back and focusing on what actually works for you. And too often in life, what I started to notice, the more that I said, let them, whether it was friends that went out without me, and I see them out for brunch, and of course it hurts. You're like, oh, God, I wanted to be there.

Yeah. But we then sit with that instead of going, let them. They're allowed to go out without you. Not everything's personal. Let them live their lives. And then pull it back and go, well, if I'm upset about this, let me figure out what I want to do about it. You know, other people are not responsible for your social life.

And adult friendship isn't transactional, and it's not a group sport. So if you're not happy because you're not being included, what are you going to do about it? Don't send the passive aggressive text. How about planning a lunch? How about being more proactive? How about letting people reveal who they are so you can choose how much time and energy you're going to pour into the relationship? And what started to happen for me is I was just simply saying let them, let them, let them, let them, is I was startled by how often other people's behavior was,

impacting me or how often I was acting in a way or navigating my life or business because I was trying to navigate somebody else's emotions or manage or manipulate somebody's opinion. And so I went to social media and because whenever I kind of stumble onto something, I always share it and I just put up this 60 second reel that literally was like, you know, so a couple days ago this thing, and I was referring to Kendall, grabbing my arm, and I said, if your friends aren't inviting you to brunch, let them. If the person that you want to date doesn't want a commitment, let them. If your kids don't want to get up this weekend and go to the flea market, let them. You know, you're spending too much of your time and energy managing other people. There's an easier

way to go through life. Let other people reveal who they are, because people's behavior tells you the truth. Forget about what people say. Yeah. Watch what they do. Yeah. And that tells you what is important to them and where you stand in order of importance. And then you get to choose how you respond. Yeah.

Today's episode is brought to you by Ollie. Clean, fresh nutrition, your dog needs, and five flavors they'll absolutely flip over. You don't need to have a veterinary nutritionist to know that feeding your dog real whole foods with minimal processing is one of the best choices you can make for their health. A perfectly portioned, whole fresh food has been proven to extend your pup's life by two and a half years and who doesn't want more time with their best friend. If you guys know Taylor and I, Lily and Remy are our lives. They are our children. We absolutely love them and will truly do whatever we need to do to help them live longer so we can spend more time with them. And switching their food to Ali has been amazing for a lot of reasons. One, because I know I'm giving

them good food. And two, they absolutely freak over it. Lily is such a picky eater. She's been the hardest dog to feed her whole life. She's not intrigued by food. It's not her biggest thing. But with Ollie, she's literally jumping for the food. Like, I'm actually not exaggerating. I have no trouble feeding her now. And it has been an absolute lifesaver. For any first timers, Ollie will send out your pup's first box with two weeks worth of meals and a guide to how to gradually switch them over to their new diet. And trust me, I think they're going to love it. Give your pup a fresh start this year by letting them taste test a personalized meal plan with Ollie. Head to ollie.com slash squeeze. Tell them about your dog and use code squeeze to get 60%

off your first box of meals when you subscribe today. Plus, they offer a clean bowl guarantee on the first box. So if you're not completely satisfied, you'll get your money back. That's O-L-L-I-E dot com slash squeeze and enter code squeeze to get 60% off your first box. Start your dog's new year off right with Ollie. Okay, lemon drops. It is officially the new year. She's here. She is upon us.

And something that I really want to bring into this new year is prioritizing self-care. And I feel like every year I say that. But this year, I really want to do it in small. easy, effective ways that are going to actually make a difference in my self-care. And I have been taking this product for quite some time, but something that I really want to focus taking daily is symbiotica's liposomal vitamin C packs. I love this product for a lot of reasons. I've been taking products from symbiotica for years, years, years.

But these liposomal vitamin C packs are truly just so amazing. Well, for a lot of reasons. But one of the biggest ones for me and my lifestyle is how busy we are and on the go we are. We're constantly traveling, constantly going places. And so I need something that I can just throw in my carry-on bag and take with me. And these packets are pre-measured and they're so easy to travel with, which helps me stay on track of my goal of self-prioritization. And also supports collagen production, immune health, and helps improve the look of your skin, which is something that I think we all would love to bring into this.

new year. And what's cool about Symbiotica is the quality of their products. They're free from seed oils, preservatives, toxins, and artificial additives, which is a reason why I love this company so much is because the products that you take from them, you know you are getting the best quality ingredients. High quality, holistic wellness, read at your fingertips, be present and feel your best for life's most memorable moments. Go to symbiotica.com slash squeeze for 20% off your order plus free shipping today. Again, you can go to symbiotica.com slash squeeze for 20% off your order plus free shipping today. Okay, ladies, engagement season is officially here, which means wedding season will also be here before we know it.

And Bertie Gray is about to be your new best friend. They've got the most stylish, affordable dresses that are perfect for any vibe. Bertie Gray believe is that being in a wedding should look great without breaking the bank. That's why all of their bridesmaids' dresses start at just 90s. $99 and each one is stunning. They have so many different types of colors, fabrics. They really have you covered in every department. They have something for all bridal events from engagement photos to bachelorette and even

wedding after party. And I honestly feel like the bridesmaid's dress can really make or break your wedding photos. I spent so much time looking for bridesmaid's dresses. And if you are looking for a perfect bridesmaid's dress, you need to head to bertiegray.com and check out their dresses to have your girlies dressed in. And best of all, Bertie Gray offers free fabric color swatches to a nail that perfect bridesmaid's dress look for your girls. Plus, for limited time only, you can get your first six swatches for free.

You can visit www.breddygrey.com now to get your first six swatches for free, available for a limited time only lady. So get on it. That is B-I-R-D-Y-G-R-E-Y.com. Fund the Bridesman's stress, perfect for you. 15 million views in 24 hours. And within a week, let them tattoos started rolling in. Next thing you know, USA Today, The Guardian, all these outlets are writing articles, quoting therapists,

talking about how this is an extraordinary tool. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I barely even researched. this thing yet. Yeah. And so I did a podcast episode about it and we published that in like October a year ago. And within two and a half months, Apple named it the sixth most shared episode of any episode of any podcast on the planet of the entire year. And it was just you talking about this idea. Uh-huh. Based on the research I had started doing and based on all of the accounts of people And then I did this deep analysis, and I pulled in my daughter who had been working in marketing at a massive global cybersecurity firm. So she's like an unbelievable genius at systems thinking.

And I said, I want you to just take all of the comments and do a massive sentiment analysis of what you're seeing around the world on our YouTube channel, on your, on the podcast stuff, in the inbox. And I mean, and when you have like 21 million followers and one of the top podcasts in the world, you have a huge focus group. And so we gathered all of the real data from people around the world that had literally just heard about this thing as we had talked about it and started using it. And that's another reason why I love it. The reason why I love it is it's a tool. It's not a concept. And, you know, if we go back to letting go, letting go is an idea. It's very difficult to implement.

Yeah. But let them when you say it is a tool. And what you're doing when you say let them, and this is where I get into the research on it, is that it is leveraging stoicism, detachment theory, radical acceptance and Buddhism in two words. Because when you say let them, you are acknowledging that something is beyond your control. And so you're basically detaching from it emotionally, which means you rise up and you feel. a little superior to it. And it's kind of like allowing something without allowing it. So if you say it was somebody who's gaslighting you, I never saying that or, you know, who's engaging in behavior

that's just not respectful. And you say to yourself, let them. You're acknowledging it's not your job to control that person. It's your job to see somebody for who they are. And then you go to step two. And step two is what we discovered in the research. Because what my daughter found is she was doing all of this analysis is that people were starting to report that this thing's amazing. I'm saying let them. I'm feeling peaceful. I'm feeling more in control. I'm not triggered by other people. I'm feeling less anxiety. I'm feeling more in control of my life. But now that I'm letting people be who they are, I'm noticing my friends don't reciprocate. Interesting. That I'm the one that always calls. I'm noticing that my brother or sister. You know, I'm the one interested in them, but they're all

about them. And so now I'm starting to feel very lonely. And this is a common theme that people say when they start using it. And if you find that you're saying let them and you're feeling lonely, you're using it wrong. Because there's a second part. And the second part is saying, let me. Let them is when you acknowledge, I can't control that, so I'm not going to waste my time and energy on it. Right. Let me is where you now prompt yourself and remind yourself that you always have something you can control. And it's three things. I can choose what I think about this. I can choose what I do or not do because sometimes not doing something is the power move. Right. And I can choose how I'm going to process my emotions about this. Those three things are

always in your control. And through your thoughts, your actions, and your emotional response, make any situation better. And when we started to then roll out and talk about the let me part, that notion about loneliness disappeared because let's say that you're the kind of person that is the organizer with your friends. You're the one reaching out. You're the one that makes the plans. And then you start to say let them. And you notice people don't call back. They don't invite you anywhere. And you're like, gee, oh, well, this has been great. And here's the thing, you get to choose. So let me decide what to do about it.

And you might decide that, oh, I just have a lot of friends who are very introverted. And I'm the social person. And that's just my role in life. And I'm going to embrace it instead of being transactional and tit for tat. You might say, oh, okay, well, I think in this phase of my life, I really want to prioritize friendships where there's more mutual exchange. It doesn't mean you have to ice out other people because you need to be, I think, very flexible with people

and what I also love about this theory is you're not making people wrong. You're allowing people to be themselves. And then you're deciding what you're going to pour your time and energy into. It actually creates more compassion. It creates more space for people to be who they are and for you to just kind of operate accordingly. And so you get to choose that, family matters to you in the case of your siblings. There's a lot of people that want to be very

close with their family, but they don't feel like they get it back. And so you get to choose, if that's the case, if you value family enough to be the one that reaches out, to be the one that organizes everyone, to be the one that puts the differences aside or is able to hold space for somebody's opinion that is different than yours because you know that you got to let them and we go deep into the research around how since we all have this need for control, there's very interesting research about the fact that if, I'll back it up and say it this way. Our brains are wired to move towards what's easy. This is why it's hard to get in shape because sitting on the couch is easy. We are wired to move away from what feels hard. And if you understand

that, you'll also understand the next point I'm going to make, which is you'll never be able to change another person because people only change when they feel like it. And a lot of people don't feel like changing or they're not in a position to change, either because they're overwhelmed by their life right now or they have a mental health struggle. And there's this incredible doctor you should have on Dr. Stewart Ablon, who has this sentence that he said to me last week. He's been in practice at Mass General Brigham in Boston for 30 years. People do well when they can. And if they can't do well, it's typically because there is some skill that is missing around communication or emotional regulation or impulse control. And when you really take a more

compassionate approach to people, that people do well when they can. And if somebody's very challenging, they probably can't be another way right now. Right. Yeah. So, if you learn to let them, what's really interesting is this. Like, let's say you have a really challenging family member. Everybody's got somebody that's slightly narcissistic in their family or super dramatic or just super annoying. As you go into a family situation, knowing that person's going to be there, how do you feel? Anxious. That's what I was going to say. She stole my answer. Yeah. Like, bracing, right? You're like, I know how this is going to go. And so you're now bracing.

Yeah. What if instead you just said let them? Yeah. And you recognize their own person, let an adult be an adult and recognize it's not your job to parent them. It's not your job to smooth things over. Your job and responsibility, and let's look at the word responsibility, it's the ability to respond. Your responsibility is to really focus on the energy you're going to bring. Yeah.

because we forget that you can leave any conversation, you can leave any date, you can leave any dinner table with your family, you can leave any situation in life, which means you always have power. You get to choose how you participate. And what I find interesting about families is, you know, when I think about family, and it's one of my deep values to prioritize family, I like to envision a spider web. And if you're out in the morning taking a walk, you see the spider web and it's got all the dew all over it. Historically, in most families,

the person who has the most challenging personality typically is the one that tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap's that web and all the dew shakes, and we all dance around and tiptoe on eggshells and walk around this one challenging person. Yeah. I want you to consider a really an amazing thought. the opposite is also true.

Imagine the power that a person who is emotionally mature and grounded in their body and peaceful and powerful at the same time, imagine how much power that person has. You are a diffusing force to that other energy because you don't get sucked into it. And you just let them. and there is something so powerful about being the person that brings the energy that is calming and assuring and graceful and powerful and certain and it's available to all of us. Yeah. And so if you have challenging people in your life saying let them isn't about being a dormant,

it's about recognizing it's not your job to fix that person and that person is only going to evolve if they choose to, your job is to show up with a level of energy and in a way that makes you proud of yourself. Yeah. And to recognize that you got more power than this idiot that is challenging behavior. And you have way more power when you don't get sucked into it. Yeah. It sounds like, it almost sounds like too good to be true. Like, what would you say to someone. I'm like, oh, yeah, let them. But like, how do you, like, how do you go about, like, implementing that? I don't know. Give me a situation where you. Well, that was going to be my, my question at the beginning, but you've, you've explained a good amount of my concerns.

Well, give me a concern. Well, at the beginning, it was just like, so when you were talking about the little things that frustrate you, the, the garden store and, you know, the rain and the taco stand and everything, then I understood why my wife told me this morning. that I should use this in my life. Because you get stressed out by people? Yes. Well, or just by little things. Okay.

Little things. Like when you were talking about the line. Uh-huh. Like, it's like that stuff will piss me off. And, you know, or like I'm driving and another driver. Like, I'll let those little things. Uh-huh. Just like spiral.

Yes. And really frustrate me. Yes. And then you're right. It, it, you're now in that mindset and you're ruining the rest of your day. Correct. You're ruining these great moments. that can be happening because you're still pissed off about the guy who, you know,

didn't turn left when the light went red. Uh-huh. Like, so I understood at that moment why she told me that I should try this. But my first concern was, yeah, I agree with you. And what you're saying sounds great. But is it really that easy? Yes. That's the how do I go from being.

frustrated over all these little things and letting them, you know, dictate the rest of my day to snapping my fingers and saying, yeah, you didn't turn left when the light turned red, but let them. And then I just like, it seems like it will be hard for me to just snap my fingers and let myself do that. We're going to the Apple store after this because Taylor's photo's been messed up. Here's why it's easy. You're going to feel a rush of power.

and peace. And then you're going to recognize something that changes your life. Your entire experience of life is determined by what you pour your time and energy into. Yeah. And when you start to recognize how often your energy, which is your life force, is drained by meaningless things, you'll start to protect it. And when you start to see how often you waste time on things that you can't control, or things that in the long run don't really matter, you'll get so much time back. Time that you can use for yourself, for your relationships, for your creative projects,

for your business, for everything. And so for anybody that feels tired or stuck or overwhelmed or like you never have time, you're always last on your list. My message is very simple. The problem isn't you. The problem is the power you've unknowingly given to everybody else. And this helps you take your power back,

which is why it's easy to. implement. I want to be very clear about something. Let them is not a license to be a dormant. You're not just going to let somebody abuse you. What you're doing when you say let them is you're recognizing this person is who they are and their behavior is the truth and they're not changing. I have to let them and their behavior reveal who they are to me. And I got to see it very clearly. And one of the reasons why a lot of us tolerate less than we deserve, whether it's what we're dating, somebody or it's a family relationship or it's the way you're getting treated at work is because we explain away behavior.

We see what people are doing to us, but we don't let them. We're like, oh, well, this, that, they're tied to that, da, da, da, da, da, no, let them. This is who this person is. When they are stressed out, they scream at you. That is not okay. So you say let them because you acknowledge the power isn't in trying to manage their stress. The power is in me going, let me decide what I'm going to do. Am I going to stay in this job?

Am I going to say something? Because you could literally say to them, look, I get that work is stressing you out. This used to be me. I would come home after a really stressful day running the company that I run and I'd then take it out of my family. Barking at the kids, stressed out of Chris, my phone in my face. And I would always blame work. I'm sorry, I'm just so stressed because of work. So my kids and my husband can't actually control the stress that I feel.

They have zero control over what's happening in my life and my work, but they can control what they say to me in response to it. And they can easily say, hey, mom, really sorry about all the work stress and how it's impacting you, but you're going to have to apologize to me for how your stress is impacting me. Not okay. That's a different way to handle something because you then separate yourself. from having to manage somebody else, which you're never going to be able to do,

but you recognize, because these are ultimately boundaries. And what then happens is you are giving somebody the space to have their own experience in their own life. Yeah. And you're recognizing that the fastest and best way to love somebody

is to actually love them as they are and to let them feel their emotions and to let them deal with their struggles, with your support, of course. But it's not your job to rescue people. your job to make them happy. It's not your job to insulate your parents from disappointment or from like being upset or anything. Just let them. Yeah. So many of us go into the new year trying to set health goals, wellness goals, trying just to be a better version of ourselves. And what if I told you

that eating healthier sliced bread, bagels, and tortillas could actually help you meet those goals. Well, with Hero Bread, you can focus on your health goals and still indulge in the soft, fluffy experience you love, guilt-free. Like enjoying a nutritious breakfast wrap, avocado toast, grilled cheese with a cozy soup, or a family burger night. Their products are delicious and flavorful, but have ultra low net carbs, zero grams of sugar, and are high-end fiber. When I hear of, like, healthy bread, I'm like, oh, this isn't going to taste good.

The texture isn't going to be good. Well, I was wrong because when I tried Hero Bread, I was. actually taken back by how quote-unquote normal their bread actually tastes and feels. It has such like a fluffy texture to it and it tastes like regular bread to me. Something we love in our household is family taco night. I absolutely love tacos and using their tortillas has really just been a game changer because you know that you're eating something that actually isn't harming you and is actually good for you with our ultra low neck carbs, zero grams of sugar, and it is high in fiber. And lucky for you, lemon drops, Hero Bread is offering 10% off your order. You can go to hero.co

and use code squeeze at checkout. That's squeeze at h-e-r-o.com. You got to go try the tortillas and you got to try their Hawaiian bread. Those are my favorite. Lemon drops, I want to tell you a little bit more about one of my favorite brands in the entire health and wellness space. And that is qualia. I've never felt better lately, in part because of Qualia's products that I'm using regularly. But a little bit about Qualia, Qualia's science team is tackling some of the most challenging aspects of our health and wellness that we'll all face, human longevity and optimizing mental health. Their supplements and formulas are raising the bar on what's possible for our health through advanced nutrition. Qualia's health formulas meticulously blend many

ingredients with complementary relationships into easy once-a-day formulas. This makes supporting some of our most nutritionally complex health needs very, very simple. Quality is ingredient sourcing the bioavailability of the ingredients in their formulas and the holistic formulation strategies are all at the highest standard of health and wellness. I encourage you all to check out their rapidly expanding product line of supplements that support so, so many common health needs. Like NAD plus. NAD plus is a molecule in every cell of your body and it's critical to aging well. NAD plus is what helps keep us feeling useful by promoting cellular energy, maintaining healthy DNA, using nutrients efficiently, and supporting detoxification.

Take a look at Qualia's line of truly inspired health formulas. Go to qualia life.com slash squeeze and use code squeeze at checkout for up to 15% off your purchase. That's Q-U-A-L-I-A-L-A-L-A-L-A-L-A-L-A-L-F-E-L-A-L-A-L-A-L-A-L-F-E-R-P-E-P-E-P-E-E-K-E-E-K-E-E-K-E-E-W-E-E-E-R-A-R-E-E-E-R-A-R-E-E-E-E-1.-1. for anything. I have somebody in mind. Okay. You know, think of that person.

We all have that person. I'm sure as you're listening to Taylor talking, like, oh, yeah, I know what is in my life. Yeah. That judgmental person. I feel like this, like I would want to give them this book. This is the best gift you could give to any human being. First of all, because everybody in the planet's going to be reading this. This idea is so powerful.

And the reception to this, it debuted on Amazon at number two, and it's not even out. It's crazy. It's because it's a tool leveraged in deep research that actually helps you do two things. Number one, you're going to stop making other people a problem. Yeah. Because other people should be one of the greatest sources of joy and happiness and inspiration in your life. Yeah. And we turn them into a problem because we worry about what they think. Just let them think negative thoughts. Just let them. Like I'll give you an example. So my, my, Chris and I have been together for 30 years. I love the man.

I have a negative thought about him every damn day. Literally. Whether his breath is bad or he wakes up when you get older, you have gas, it's like, you know, when you wake up, you're like, oh, God, that's disgusting.

Right. I love him. Two things can be true at the same time. You can love somebody and think something negative, and the average person has 70,000 thoughts a day.

I can't control half of the shit that pops in my mind. Yeah. So what makes you think you can crawl up into your spouse's head and manage what they think. You can't. What's very freeing is to just not manage it at all and just let them have a negative thought. And then focus on how you operate so that you're proud of yourself. Because when you're proud of yourself, you know who you are and you're not particularly concerned about what other

people's opinions are. So you can let them have those opinions. We get in trouble with other people's opinions because we are not actually proud of ourselves. We don't know who we are. So we look to everybody else to see if they can tell us. And that's why we're so worried about what everybody else thinks. But if you can just let people think a negative thought about you and carry on and focus on the things that make you proud, you will show up very differently in your life. And it's important to kind of understand that because so many of us navigate our lives based on what we think we should do or what expectations are or feeling guilty. And I'll give you another example. I used to be plagued by feeling guilty that I wasn't a good daughter. My parents live in the Midwest. My husband and I

raised our kids on the East Coast. We don't see each other as much as I would love to see each other. And every time we're not together for the holidays, of course, my folks are disappointed. Yeah. And it used to make me feel so bad. it doesn't anymore because I can let them be disappointed. And let's just unpack that. Yeah. Okay, wow. Okay, that one really.

Because I get that. Like, so yeah, that sounds nice. But what's the next step? I wish that I could just let somebody be disappointed. This is, I feel like, a very good insight into like who we are. I'm definitely more of the Foo-y like oh I'll give anything a try like I'll like Anything that is like you know like EMDR therapy I love

Yes the best do it like it like I feel like this is like a very good representation of how I'm not Yes you're right but I'm not saying that I'm not believing this I'm just trying to figure out what for me How I do that because I like I get my feelings hurt easily I you know I I don't want to disqual disappoint people. I am a pleaser. So if I was having in the scenario where I feel like, you know, I'm doing something that is disappointing my parents. Great. They're upset with me or a friend. I just need to shift my mindset and be like, they're going to be upset with me. But then I think about the repercussions. Now, hold on a second, though. Let me unpack this with you.

Because this is going to literally change your life. Okay. I'm so excited. Let's think about disappointment. If you're not going home for the holidays and your parents are disappointed, isn't that a good thing? Because they want to spend time with me? Yes. Yes. They're disappointed because they love you. Yes.

What's the alternative? Thank God that asshole's not coming home. Yeah. So disappointment is actually a sign that your relationship is great because they want to see you. And here's where the let them theory comes in. Let them be disappointed. Your parents are allowed to have those emotions. And your job is not managing their emotions.

Your job is not managing their expectations. Your job is being the best version of you and allowing the people that you love to have their experience. Yeah. And so when you let them be disappointed, it's a way of loving people. And then you come to the second part, which is let me, let me really drop into my values and let me decide how I'm going to think what I'm going to do, how I'm going to process

my own feelings, right? Because disappointment, love, and grief at all is kind of the same stuff. And if you want to change your plans because it makes you feel good, do it for that reason because it's then aligned with what you value. There's a big difference between changing plans and going to see your parents because you feel bad that they're disappointed and you feel guilty. When you operate out of guilt, you actually turn your parents or your friends into the villain because you're now doing it because of them. Don't go see your parents because it makes your parents feel good and it makes your parents think you're a good son. Go see your parents because it's aligned with your values and it makes you feel good.

And it makes you know you're a good son based on your terms. But when you say let them, you hold space for people to be who they are and to feel what they need to feel and to process what they need to process. And I personally think it's the best way to love people because when I think about love, I think love is two things. I think it's consideration, and consideration is just having someone else in mind. So when I make my daughter a cup of coffee in the morning and I use oat milk instead of cow milk, that's having her in mind. That's an act of love. The second part of love is admiration.

Adoration is simply being able to look at somebody and some aspect of them and be very fond of that aspect of them. you can have a situation where your parents are very disappointed by some decision that you're making and you can actually look at them and say let them and admire that that's their reaction because they care so much. And allowing them to be disappointed without making it your job to bend over backwards to try to make all that emotion go away, it liberates you. And it changes your relationship profoundly. You touched on it a little bit, but how specifically has implementing this into your life changed or affected your relationships, your marriage, your relationship, you know, as a parent, your friendships?

Everything, because I am now working with human behavior. So I'll take them one by one. my marriage to Chris. It has just allowed me to stop parenting him. And even though we have a great marriage and we've been through Helen back and he's my favorite person on the planet, there are things that used to irritate the hell out of me. One of them being that I'm a very, very fast processor and I talk, talk, talk, talk to work things out. Chris is like you. He is more quiet. He is an internal processor. And he kind of goes into his corner

and retreats. And he has this thing where he, as he's contemplating, I don't know if you do this, but my husband will ask me a question. And it takes him literally, like there's peanut butter in his mouth. Like, just spit it out. What is the question? And I'm in my head like, come on, come on, come on, come on. And it used to drive me crazy. And then before the guy would even get his question out, I'd be like talking on top of him. So now I just say, let him. Like I say silent, let him. And what I do is I create space for him to be him. And he uses it with me probably more than I use it with him because I'm wildly irritating. And I have major ADHD. And so if you were to walk into our bathroom, my husband's counter looks like, it literally looks like if you went to a minimalist

hotel, like he's, he's Buddhist, he leads men's retreats, he's a death dula, he is Mr. like Zen. So there's nothing. If you go to my counter, it looks like somebody tipped over a display at CVS and it landed on top of my counter. Uh-huh. It drives Chris insane. Letter. Letter. I run late.

Letter. I, another thing it drives him crazy about me is the cardboard boxes that get delivered every day. Chris is Mr. Recycle. He likes to unpack those suckers, hit him with the knife, flatten those things, stack him neatly in the garage. Taylor's least favorite job. Yeah, mine too.

I can't. stand it. I don't know what it is. And so I would stack them up like some sort of Tetris pile next to the door to the garage. And here's what happened. And this is where I think this gets important to distinguish because this doesn't mean you tolerate behavior. I was going to ask that. Nope. It means you recognize that there's something that somebody else is doing and it's stressing you out or bothering you or offending you. But when you say let them, you detach from trying to control them. And you come back to how am I going to respond to this?

And the best way to respond to behavior that you would like to see changed that's impacting you is to tell somebody about the impact. Don't tell them what to do. And what Chris did is he sat me down because he would just get so mad at me, and be like, can't she just put the bottom? And then, of course, I'd push back because he's now trying to control me, so I'm pushing back. And it becomes a standoff about something stupid. And so he said, you know, Mel, I have asked you a number of times to please just flatten the boxes, take him to the garage.

It's not that hard. And every time I see the cardboard boxes stacked up next to the door and I walk past them, it's like a giant cardboard middle finger at me that makes me. that makes me feel like you think I'm your maid. And now there's a big difference between what somebody intends and the actual impact it has in somebody else. And so he communicated how my behavior was impacting him, and now here's the hard part. He has to let me.

Because he can't control whether or not the next time I'm going to flatten the box. But my behavior, after he tells me how it impacts, him tells him where he stands in my life. Yeah. And that's an important thing to pay attention to because if you're with somebody who you repeatedly communicate your needs to and they do not respond, you are not with the right person. And this person is never going to respond because their behavior is telling you either

they don't want to or they can't. And so you got to choose. Are you going to stay with this person? And so in my case, nine times out of ten, I flatten the box. and I remember. And then there are plenty of times where I don't, but I will, I just saw my daughter literally, I just go, she does not that. And so, letter. She's like nine times out of ten. Letter. But I literally do a very good job at this. And if I don't, and I've left the house,

I'll literally text and be like, oh my God, I forgot to do the boxes. I swear to God, I will, get it doing your, you don't need to do it. Because I care about how my behavior impacts him. Right. Does that make sense? Yeah, it's not the boxes that you're concerned about. It's the middle finger. Yes. You don't. The other thing that I'm really excited about in terms of people learning about this is I think this will transform the way people approach dating.

Because one of the single biggest problems that I see is that everybody's so afraid of being single. And there's such a huge conversation about how toxic the dating culture is now that a lot of people, at least in my world, what I'm seeing is that people are so obsessed with chasing and with the fantasy in their head that you do not accept the reality of the person who you're sleeping next to. And being there for the potential just creates resentment. Like, would you want to be in a relationship with somebody who's only with you because they think you're going to get better? Right. No. No. And we ignore problems. We explain away problems because we don't want to be the single friend. We don't want to be out on the market again. We don't want to go through the heartbreak again. And so you put up with

less than you deserve and you say, oh, well, I'm confused. Oh, well, these are mixed signals. Oh, well, maybe it'll get better. Oh, well, maybe, you know, the fact that every time we hook up, they scurry away in the morning. That's not really a thing. It's a big thing. And again, you can't control what somebody else does. You can't control whether or not they choose to like you back. but you can control who you spend your time with and what you accept. And too many people are accepting less than the treatment they deserve because they're up here in their heads, scared to be single, scared they're not going to find the ones, scared because there's toxic stuff. And here's the thing. There are people all around you.

Everyone's bitching about online dating. Are you talking to people in the line behind you? Yeah. I mean, everyone's like, I'm not dating. I'm offline. I'm like, okay, but if you want to meet somebody, there's people all around you. Yeah. Are you talking to people? Are you going first? Are you putting yourself out there? Or are you waiting for somebody to come pick you? Yeah. That's a huge mistake. Because there's 8 billion people on this planet. And the person that is the love of your life could be sitting two

tables over at the coffee shop next to you twice a week when you walk in there. Yeah. But if you're looking at your phone all the time and you're sucked into this and you're letting it stress you out and you're buying into all that stuff, you're giving your power to your phone, you're giving your power to what's happening online, and you're forgetting that you have power through your actions and through your thinking and through how you process your emotion. You don't have to play the game. I know, that's the scary part, in my opinion. I haven't dated in quite a while. God, I hope that. Me too.

But it's like, it's like this is where the phone is where, like today I feel like every. everybody thinks they're going to meet their person. Well, that's what the research shows, too, because that's where everybody's online. But I actually think if you take an approach where you're open to meeting people, everywhere you go, and you take an all-go-first approach, you say hello to the barista. Yeah. You talk to the people sitting next to you.

When you're open to meeting people, you meet people. when you think the only way that you date is online, you've actually given all the power to the app. Yeah. And you're forgetting that you actually have so much more power in your life. Yeah. Here's an interesting thing. So the book is divided into eight sections,

each section diving deep into either one of the four areas where you make other people a problem for you, which is worrying about what they think, managing their emotions, chronic comparison is another thing that you're doing and allowing them to stress you out. The other four chapters are how you use the let them theory to influence other people to change, how you support somebody through a struggle without enabling them, the new rules of adult friendship because friendship and the rules of friendship change profoundly when you turn 20, and most people

do not see this coming, and they screw up their friendships because of it. And the final section is all about love. and one of the most challenging things about love is people get to choose who and how they love and sometimes they don't choose you and compatibility is the single most important aspect of being with somebody you can be highly attracted to somebody and desire them you can be committed to them but not compatible and if you're not compatible then you're never going to make it. And the issue of commitment is really important because if you're with somebody and you want to take it to the next level, it is imperative that you do what your friend did,

which is you're very direct about it. And in the book, I walk through this specific script that is a really great way to talk about it. And the way that you talk about it using the let them theory is you basically remind yourself, I need to let this person be who they are. I need to let this person make their choice. But I also have to honor myself. When you get to a point where you're hinting or you're hoping or you're wishing that the hookups are turning into something or you want to move in but they won't or you want to be introduced to your parents but they won't or you want to put a label on it but they don't want to put labels on it. There's a big, big indication that you're not on the same page.

And so you got to say to yourself, I got to let them be honest with where they are. I got to let them walk out the door if they're going to. But I've gotten to a point where I know I want a commitment. And if I spend any more time with somebody who doesn't, I'm actually the problem. Because I'm now wasting time with somebody who doesn't what what I want. And I'm doing it hoping they change their mind. And I think we've all been in that situation where you hang on and you insert yourself and you're always around hoping that they're going to commit to you. Nobody's committing to you when you're a convenience.

And that's a really hard thing to admit to yourself. I'm not a priority. I'm a convenience. If they're texting you, that's nothing. People text you when they're bored. If they want to see you, they're going to see you. And the questions start to become, why do you want to be with somebody who doesn't want to see you? Why do you want to be with somebody who doesn't want to put a label on it?

Yeah. Why do you want to be with somebody that's embarrassed by you around your friends? Why do you want to be with somebody that leaves first thing in the morning? Like sneaks out like a stray cat. Like what the fuck is that? Yeah. And so when you go to set up the conversation, you're not going to focus on them. You're going to focus on you.

And this is the power move. You basically say, I have loved spending time of you. This has been fantastic. I think you're an amazing person, and I just know myself. I only want to spend time and pour energy into a relationship where it was somebody that wants the same things that I want. And I've gotten to that point with you. And what I would like to do is do X.

And if you don't see that and you don't want that, that's totally fine. But I want to have the conversation now because I really value my time and energy. and if this isn't going where I would like it to go, then I'm not going to continue putting time and energy into this, even though it's been great. Yeah. Now, when you hear somebody talk about, I didn't say anything like,

you've been leading me on and it's time I'm me me. Yeah. I love you, you told me on. No, it's about I value my time and energy. Yeah. Now, when somebody says that, what do you think? I understand. Like, yeah.

Hopefully, hopefully everybody would, you know, respect that. But you know what else you do? You go, oh, shit, I'd like to be with a person like that. Yeah. You'd think, yeah. And if the person doesn't, thank God, let them walk out the door. Yeah. And I know it sucks to be back out there.

I know it sucks to be single again. I know that you're like, Jesus, I just wasted another fucking nine months. Yeah. Yeah. But if you knew the love of your life was around the corner and this conversation brings you one step closer to them, wouldn't you have that conversation? Of course. most people won't yeah that's why you got to learn to let them yeah because the control is not in them it's always with you amen we're making them listen to this podcast I know oh so one other thing about

that um there's really interesting research about being in a situation where you're in relationships with people that won't commit because there's two scenarios you're you're You, if this is a one-off, no problem. Right. If this is a pattern and you know it's a pattern because if you look at your dating history, you date projects, meaning people you're trying to fix. Yep. Or you pick people that aren't available.

Or you meet people by cheating. Right? Or you, this is this person, red flag, red flag, red flag, red flag, but you, or whenever the breakup happens, you're constantly going, they were so crazy. You know, it's always them. If this has happened to you more than twice, it's actually a pattern. Yeah. And this is going to keep happening based on the research, and I write about it in the last

section of the book. If this is a pattern that you're chronically with and in relationships with people that don't actually commit to you, the research is very clear that this is a pattern and it's not going to end. And one of the biggest recommendations is that you not be in a relationship for a year. This is based on the research because you actually have to figure out what is it about your past and about your experience of love that has you find yourself attracted to people that are not mentally available to you. And until you solve the deeper issue, you will forever repeat this pattern because patterns are designed to repeat. You don't break them. You have to

replace them with something different. Yeah. Oh, I liked that. Oh, that's good. Sorry, I love a good you should do this for a living. Ever considered it? You've got the basics from this, but I'm going to tell you something. Everybody on the planet is going to be saying let them. And you want know what this is and if you really want your relationships to change have the people that you care about read this book because it will give them the power to take control of their life yeah it really will like it is it is the single i've done a lot of things in my career and it is a absolute it just is jaw dropping to me the millions and millions of people that listen to the podcast and the people's lives that have been impacted by the things that i share largely by the way by fucking up my own

life. Like, I figure these things out the hard way. Right. Yeah. And my mission is that if I can save anybody else the headache and the heartache that I've caused myself for the people that I care about because I just didn't know better, that's what I want to do. If I can give you a shortcut that helps you access your power, I will not stop until I find it and I share it with you. And so one of the things that I'm really excited about is this is the single most important thing. I think I will ever do. I do think this is the legacy that I'm going to leave. That's how powerful this is.

Wow. That's awesome. I seriously, I can't wait to read it. I can't wait to read it for myself and also I'm going to buy several copies for people that I care about. We're just going to start handing them out every time my friends come over. Yeah, right? That's just going to be the part and gift. Well, what you're going to notice is that one thing that's interesting is you will notice how everybody around you

is caught up in so much drama and you're going to turn and be like, have you ever ever to let them theory? What if you just let like your boss be a dick and you find a different job? Yeah. Like there's eight million job postings on LinkedIn right now. You're not stuck on your job.

Yeah. Yeah, you do have the control. Yeah. If you're willing to let go of what you can't control. It's almost like drinking. You can't be sober until you stop drinking. You can't take control of your own life until you stop trying to control everything and everyone around you.

Yeah. So good. It's so good. Thank you so much. Thank you. It was such an honor to have you here today. It's like it doesn't even feel real that you're here right now. Thank you.

Appreciate it. You're welcome. Thanks for being here. Thanks for inviting me, guys. To your home. Of course.