The Squeeze - Mikayla Matthews: Finding Her Voice

Episode Date: May 21, 2025

TW: Sexual AbuseIn this week’s episode, Tay is back for another girl-talk conversation with The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives star Mikayla Matthews! Mikayla bravely opens up about growing up in a chaotic home as one of seven siblings, navigating childhood trauma, and the sexual abuse she endured starting at age six. She shares how the aftermath of that trauma still affects her marriage today and the therapy, tools, and self-awareness that have helped her begin to heal. Mikayla talks about becoming pregnant at 16, what happened when she finally told her mom the truth, and where their relationship stands today. She also reflects on how her skin struggles impacted her self-worth, the importance of learning each other’s love languages in a relationship, and how she and her husband continue to support one another. Mikayla touches on her thoughts on fellow The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives star Whitney Leavitt’s appearance on the podcast, then shares what she’s most proud of in herself: becoming the person she needed when she was young.Be sure to follow Mikayla https://instagram.com/mikayla__matt/!If you or someone you know is struggling:Visit RAINN.org for additional resources and supportCall (800) 656-HOPE to talk to a trained staff member from your local sexual assault service providerTo email us your questions or share your story, you can reach out to [e-mail] sure to rate, review, and follow the podcast so you don't miss an episode! Plus, follow us on all of our socials:The SqueezeInstagram: https://instagram.com/thesqueeze/TikTok: https://tiktok.com/@thesqueezepodcastTay LautnerInstagram: https://instagram.com/taylautner/TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@mrstaylautnerAmazon Storefront https://urlgeni.us/amazon/FDXj7 Taylor LautnerInstagram: https://instagram.com/taylorlautner/TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@taylorlautnerTo learn more from The Lemons Foundation, follow https://instagram.com/lemonsbytay/ and visit lemonsbytay.comEpisode Sponsors:For a limited time, go to Tonal.com to get FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS OFF your Tonal purchase plus a FREE FOUR-YEAR WARRANTY.Right now, Splendid is offering our listeners 20% off when you go to Splendid.com and use promo code taylor at checkout or when you shop at Splendid in stores. And even better - the promo code is stackable with other promotions!Go to cokeurl.com/simplyPOP to find out where you can try Simply Pop!It Pays to Discover. See terms at discover.com/creditcard.Feel good... and mean it when you say it!! For a limited time, get Headspace FREE for 60 days. Go to Headspace.com/SQUEEZE.Dogs deserve the best, and that means fresh, healthy food. Head to Ollie.com/squeeze, tell them all about your dog, and use code SQUEEZE to get 60% off your Welcome Kit when you subscribe today! Plus, they offer a Happiness Guarantee on the first box, so if you’re not completely satisfied, you’ll get your money back.Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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The following podcast is a dear media production. You've never opened up like this before. I just associated it with the shame. I've actually blocked out a lot of my childhood, but I don't remember a lot of, like, happy memories. My mom's boyfriend came in the picture. We were just, like, really uncomfortable around him. I don't know if he was touchy to everyone.

He was definitely touchy to, like, me. Yeah. Like, I didn't quite get it, and I was still pretty young. My mom wanted to get married, and he was going to move into our house. At this point, she hadn't, like, known anything. Basically, I never had that safe place. It felt comfortable telling her things. She kind of like worked late and early and so she would go to the back room and take a nap or whatever.

And I would be left alone with him. This thing that's ingrained to me of like, well, no one's going to believe me. I finally had this courage to go to my mom and say, hey, this has been happening to me. Instead of her doing her role as a mom and protect me in that moment, it was, while you're lying, you can move out. I had to drop out of school. My chronic illness got so bad. My body was like almost shutting down. Like I had so many infections, so many different things going on.

and I just choose not to because it's not comfortable. It's painful. The person that I needed back then, I feel like that's who I'm becoming now. Hello, lemon drops. Happy Wednesday if you're new here. Hello, my name is Tay. Thank you so much for joining us this week. This week's guest, I have Michaela on, and we definitely dove into some pretty heavy topics. I just kind of wanted to jump on here and say that the content of this episode can be triggering for some and I would encourage you to check the description down below if after this episode you need additional resources I just want to commend Michaela for the strength and the vulnerability that she shared with me during this episode I feel so honored that she felt safe enough to do this with me and I cannot wait for

you guys to hear her story and without further ado here's the episode Michaela, welcome to the squeeze. Thank you. I guess welcome to be here. I know. I'm like I never left. I know. He just stayed here.

In this exact chair. I already have my TikTok ready. Oh my gosh. It's a full circle moment. That is. I love that. Well, last time you're here, we didn't play this game, but we have this little jar. I love it.

It's a game called Citrus Got Real. It's just like a fun little game that we do. If you want to pull out a little piece of paper. Just go from the top. Yeah. Okay. What's a fashion trend you secretly or not so secret? really love. Okay, I'm saying this now because I'm pregnant and the only thing I can wear is the

low-rise jeans. But before being pregnant, I was like, I hated low-rise jeans. Yeah. But now I'm like, it's the only thing that fits me. I can't do high-rise, so I always do low-rise jeans. That's good. Honestly, that might be mine because I think low-rise jeans look better on me. Yes. I think it's my body type too because I do have a longer torso. So I think it is more flattering. But again, it's a self-conscious in me. And that's like I can't work low-rise jeans. I know. But now I'm embracing it with a bump out.

It's good. I'm trying to. Mine is like, I feel like I've really long arms. So like when I, when I have high-wasted jeans on, I just feel like it makes my arms look like. So long and I'm like this needs to not be thinking.

What are your, I'm going to flip it and say what is like a trend that you don't want to come back or that you're not liking? The caprice. I'm not loving the caprice. Those are coming back? Yes. I never know these things.

I've seen coming back and I'm like, not a fan. Mine is the thin eyebrows. The thin eyebrow? Wait, I have seen that coming back. Like really thin. Yes. There was bleach eyebrows for a little bit and then the thin eyebrows. No, I'm a, I like fluffy eyebrows.

Yeah. No, I don't. I feel like if I had thin eyebrows, that would be of major concern. But, okay, so I'm really excited to just like sit and chat. I'm excited. I'm nervous. Oh, my gosh. No.

But you were like the first. person from mom talk that I followed. Really? Yeah. So this is like this is fun just because I've followed you for a while and we've gotten to like become friends and I'm excited and honored really just to like be able to sit down and hear your story and I feel like our conversation today is really going to help a lot of women feel heard and understood and validated. I have tissues for us if we need them. Perfect. We probably will. But I guess I kind of want to start just like from the way of beginning. Are you originally from Utah?

I actually grew up in California. Okay. In Granada Hills. Oh my gosh. So I lived in Granada Hills till I think I was like 9 or 10 when my parents got divorced and then we moved to Utah. Okay. But we had my mom's parents lived in Utah.

So we would kind of go back and forth in those nine years of like we'd go for Christmas and do like skiing lessons in Utah. We'd go for summer, do our like swim lessons in Utah. So like every, we would like switch off back and forth just during the seasons. But yeah, I grew up, went to school in California. Oh my gosh. Which is crazy. That's so crazy.

A lot of people don't know that. How many, did I hear before you, you're one of seven or how many? One of seven. Yeah. So I'm one of seven. And I always tell people because in California, seven's a lot for California. Like even I grew up Mormon in California. And two was like an average number, even in the Mormon church where usually people that are

Mormon have more kids. Yeah. But then when we moved to Utah, I was like, oh, seven. is like actually pretty average or like below average because then I met my husband and he has 14 or 13 siblings 14 including him. So I'm like I cannot imagine. And usually people in Kel or Utah, I feel like they average like five to eight kids. Like that's like an average number of kids in Utah, which is crazy. That is like wild. It's insane to me. Where are you in the? I'm the second to youngest. So I have a younger brother just right under me. Okay. Yeah. What was what was your childhood like growing up? I feel like I've actually blocked out a lot of my childhood. Like I remember, like, I remember a lot of the trauma from growing up and like a lot of the bad things that I took from it, but I don't remember a lot of like happy memories. So I remember just like a lot of yelling. I remember a lot of like fighting. I remember like holidays because those were like the times that we were happy. We were like Christmas

Easter, which I feel like I've taken into my adult years now where I'm like, these are like my favorite. it's like such a special time for me because growing up I was like that was like the only happy memories I can remember um but yeah it was a lot I feel like I look differently on it now especially going through everything I've been through and talking about it um yeah I'm like still at a loss for words for that one yeah do you was like the anger in the home was that before like with when your parents were still together was that once they divorced yeah So they were, like, I never saw really like a healthy relationship between my parents. They were always, it was really my mom.

Like, I kind of have both of those tendencies in me. I have my mom who was like emotionally angry. Like she was just very reactive emotionally. And my dad would emotionally shut off. And so I have both sides of that. Like if I, I always say, like, I'm not able to show a lot of my emotions except for one to come to anger. I'd be like, oh, I know how to reciprocate this because that's what I'm.

I saw growing up, but also if anyone ever got angry at me or if anyone was sad or any, like any other emotion, it would make me emotionally shit off because I didn't know how to like respond or taken that. Just because that's what I saw growing up. My mom would yell it. My dad, she would yell at us. She would call us names. And so, because again, I feel like she wasn't able to regulate her emotions either. So that was kind of like taken out on whoever was around. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I feel like I've been realizing a lot now growing up was just like the effects of that. And like obviously meeting Jace now because he's very, he grew up in a family that was very emotional. They would cry. Like I remember meeting his family and I was so

uncomfortable because they'd be like, you're so beautiful. Like we love you so much. We've been praying about you and they would just cry and I'd be like, I'd leave a conversation and go to Jace and be like, that was awkward, right? He's like, what do you mean? Like, that was so sweet. And I was like, I guess. Like, what am I supposed to say? Like, so awkward, because I just didn't know how to, I never saw it growing up. Like, we never got praise or any of that. So I never knew how to, like, internalize it. Or I'm like, I don't know what to do with this. So I'm going to push it back on you. Or I'm just going to emotionally shut down. Yeah. Was there something that would, like, trigger your mom to yell at you? Or was it just kind of like, she was just firing? Do you feel like she

picked on other kids more than others? I think a lot of it comes from, again, I'm thinking with my now mindset because I've done a lot of internalizing. And like if I yell at my kids, it's because usually I'm overstimulated or usually it really is just like an overstimulation. And I know, like I can finally connect to why my mom felt that anger, but I don't express it on my kids. Like I don't make it their problem.

where she used it kind of as an excuse of like, oh, well, you know, my parents were like this growing up, so that's just how I'm going to be. Yeah. Which I love in this generation now is that we're taking that and being like, oh, this is what I took for my parents, but I don't want to be this. Yeah. Where I feel like our parents' generation is kind of like, well, tough luck. Like, this is what I grew up with. Sure. This is how I am.

Like, it's more of an excuse for them. Where for me, I feel like I take it as like a driving factor of I don't want my kids to grow up in this environment. Yeah. But yeah, I think it was just like she, the stress and the overstimulation, and I don't think she was taught those tools growing up to regulate her emotions and, you know, voice them appropriately, obviously. So yeah, I think I'm able to think back with a lot more empathy towards her than anger. Wow. Yeah. That says a lot.

Yeah. Where you're at. Yeah. When your parents got divorced, happy about it. What were your thoughts on it? I don't I don't really remember them telling us like again like we never saw it like they were always fighting like we knew they weren't happy yeah but again that's all we knew and I I have like very vivid memories of like one time when they were in the kitchen we were all like we've never seen him kiss like we never saw him be physical hug kiss or anything and we were like forcing them to kiss and they just you know just had a little peck in the kitchen and I like have a very vivid memory of it and then a very vivid memory of it and then a very vivid memory of when they were separating. I remember, I think we were in like Palm Desert or something.

And we had to, my mom was basically telling us, like, you have to tell your dad that you want to move to Utah, basically. Like, and leave him basically, which we didn't understand at that time. So I think thinking back now, I was a lot, I'm a lot more sad, like thinking back, especially because his health has been declining. And I'm like he didn't have people there to help him or talk to or anything. I think that makes me sad. But again, I was like eight, nine, ten years old. So I don't really remember what it was like back then. Yeah.

Yeah. So when you go to Utah, your mom was just trying to take you guys away from him and move there. Yeah. So, I mean, again, I don't know exactly what her intentions were moving to Utah. I know, like, her family was there and, like, we had been there. So, yeah, he stayed in California and then we moved to Utah. And I remember, I feel like it's, like, so vague to me. But I remember like we would in like the court ordered obviously like the younger kids had to like go back to California for like a certain amount of time and then come back to Utah. I remember doing that a couple times. Yeah. And like he came to Utah like a couple of times. But like as his health got worse, he obviously couldn't travel and visit. And then I mean I got pregnant pretty young too. So I wasn't able to like travel up to California and visit him a lot either. Yeah. Is he still alive? He is. He's just in the last like, I.

I want to say like five or six years. He's had like a bunch of health issues. We lived in a house that was like really toxic, like had mold and like all sorts of like horrible things. And so. It was toxic in both ways. No, it was toxic in a lot of ways. Yeah. Physically and emotionally toxic.

So yeah, which is interesting too because like now with all my health stuff I've kind of put together. I was just going to ask that. When I lived in California, like my skin was really, I had eczema growing up and it kind of went away after I moved from California. And so, like, he's had so many health issues with every time we would visit him, he'd be coughing. Like, he had to take, like, NyQuil and stuff to go to sleep because he would cough. He started in the last five or six years, like I was saying, he got, he was diagnosed with, like, early onset Parkinson's and arthritis and all sorts of, yeah, stuff. So he's living with my sisters right now, just taking, taking care of him. Okay.

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You guys are going to check out Simply Pop. It's going to be your new favorite. So you move to Utah. What does life look like there once you're there? I'm like, I literally don't remember. I feel like I think that's like a common thing that I'm like finally uncovering in therapy. Yeah. Because your brain really does kind of shut off.

For sure. A lot of things that it obviously wants you to shut off. Yeah. Yeah. Like I remember going to elementary school. I think I was in, I must have been in fourth grade. Okay. So I think is that eight or nine, nine, ten?

You probably know that better than I do. I have no idea. Yeah. Yeah. So I was in like fourth grade or I moved in halfway through fourth grade. fourth grade. And so it was kind of like I was the new kid. All my friends that I met around the neighborhood were like a year or two older. So I was never like in their class. Yeah, fourth grade. I'm like, I don't even know where everything went wrong in Utah. I feel like my mom started dating

a guy pretty shortly after. We moved to Utah. I can't remember exactly. I remember being shortly after. and then he lived kind of down the street and so she would she would she worked from home she did like medical records so she would hop on calls and like type out all the medical records and so she would just take her computer down to his house and that's where she would like work and so we never really saw her a lot in the house um so yeah I feel like we did a lot of like growing up on our own basically yeah and we would still get like allowances for my dad and so we would use our money to do that whatever allowance we got, we would go spend it doing whatever we wanted. But yeah, I feel like there wasn't, I don't know, I feel like she wasn't around a lot. Yeah. Growing up just in Utah.

Yeah. So when did things start to take a turn? I don't know exactly. Like the age, I feel like it's hard to, I want to like be able to like pinpoint an age of where it all started. Yeah. Because I did open up about being sexually abused. And that happened before we moved to, to Utah as well by somebody. And so again, I was like, I don't know what age I was anywhere from like, I'm guessing six, seven, eight before moving to Utah. And then I think it continued like a little bit after we moved. And then obviously my mom's boyfriend came in the picture. And we were just like really uncomfortable around him too because it was shortly after she had moved away from my dad.

and that's all we ever saw. Yeah. And then, of course, he was very, like, touchy. And I don't know if he was touchy to everyone. He was definitely touchy to, like, me. And then also, for me now, thinking back, I was like I was already being sexually abused before. And so I didn't quite get it.

And I was still pretty young. And I think when I was, like, probably 12, 11 or 12, I think is when I, like, started to notice a little bit more that it wasn't okay. Yeah. And I still hadn't, like, told anybody about it. And I think that's kind of, like, what started a little bit of that confusion sexually for me, too. Yeah. Which I noticed, obviously, now with my mindset thinking back, yeah.

I went to a sexual trauma therapist that was telling me about, like, the shame you get growing up around sex in general. I think it's very common, just in a lot of households, but also just in, um, like Mormon culture. Like you don't talk about sex. I feel like our parents' generation doesn't talk about sex. Like it's kind of, you don't talk about this. Out of sight,

out of mind. And so I would think back to times where, um, when I did live in California and I was doing things like when you're younger, you start doing things. You notice things feel good. And I would always get really, um, my mom would always yell at me for doing things.

But also at that time I was like, I was being sexually abused and I was confused. And I think that's, why I started doing those things. And I just associated it with the shame because it was like, this isn't okay. Don't do this. And that's something I feel like really carried over into my marriage, which is what I've noticed recently, has been like one of the hardest parts of our marriage because you don't realize it's happening because it's, again, you're so young, you're not processing it. and then you kind of are raised up with this, or at least I was raised up with my circumstance

of this isn't for me. It's for somebody else's pleasure. Yeah. Um, so yeah. So having, having my mom's boyfriend in the picture and having that confusion. And I, I can't remember when it was that he, because he lived in his own house. And then my mom wanted to get married and he was going to move into our house. He had handed up moving like right next door. from the house down the street, the house next door sold, and he moved into that house right next door. And then I think he, like, proposed and got married to my mom. I think she got married without telling us.

Because I remember her coming to tell my sister and I that she was going to get married to him. And I think I must have been, like, 14 and she was 16. And at this point she hadn't like known anything. She used to like work at his house. And so I would be there and she would, she kind of like worked late and early. And so she would go to the back room and take a nap or whatever. And I would be left alone with him.

So that's when I think like a lot of this stuff happened or like we would come over to ride his four wheelers. And he'd be like, oh, if you want to try the four wheeler, you have to like do this first for me or something. And so like she never saw any of that. and I never told her. And again, she wasn't, I actually heard something really interesting about sexual trauma because it was like Mel Robbins was talking to someone about, like, her past sexual abuse. And he was like, well, what was your feeling about it? And like, what if this happened to your daughter?

And she didn't tell you. Like, what would you say to her? And she's like, well, clearly I think she would not feel comfortable telling me. or she doesn't feel like I'm a safe place to tell that. And he's like, well, that isn't where your trauma started then. It sounds like you had trauma before that. And so I feel like I never had that safe place to tell my mom anything. She just wasn't that person for me.

Yeah. For my whole life, basically, I never had that safe place or felt comfortable telling her things. Yeah. And so when all these things were happening, it was, okay, well, I don't have someone to tell that I feel comfortable telling that would take that information and do something good with it. And also, again, you are manipulated and you're groomed by people that say, oh, this is a fun game where we're doing this to practice for boys in the future or don't tell your mom or don't do this. And so you're raised up with that mindset because I can think back and be like, oh, why didn't

I tell someone or why didn't I do this? And you're like, well, because I didn't know any better. And the people in my life that were supposed to teach me didn't do that and didn't have that responsibility. Yeah. So that's kind of when it all started. My sister. So when my mom was telling us, I had already distanced myself because, again, I was getting a little bit older and I was like, okay, yeah, this isn't okay. And so I remember her setting us down saying, like, we're going to get married or we're going to whatever and he's going to move in. And I remember my sister saying, okay, well, if he moves in, then if he moves in, then I'm leaving. I'm not staying here. And she's like, well, then you better start packing.

And at this point, she was, you know, 16 years old. Yeah. And she had that tendency a lot to, like I said, with like the name calling where she'd be like, you guys are so lazy or so this. And so that was kind of like ingrained in our memory. And also like when it came to her and her boyfriend, it was, like, he would come over to and be like he would come in these like rage fits where he's cleaning the dishes and he's like, the kids are so lazy.

They don't care about you. Like he's like yelling all this stuff and we're all hearing it. And so on her like skewed mindset, I think it validated that for her. Yeah. And it almost made us the victim and him like the savior. Yeah. You know. So I think he like validated that for her.

And so when we were so upset of like we don't want you to marry him, she had the mindset of, well, my kids don't want me to be happy. Like it was like we were the villains and she was the victim of that situation. Which is, again, it's like I don't think back in anger. I think back more in like pity and sadness for her and us. Because I think again, she didn't have those skills and she didn't want to change it. Yeah. What made your sister prompt saying then I'm leaving?

Was she being abused to her? Did she know that that was? I don't think so. No, I don't think she was. She was older than me. So again, I think I was just kind of like the right target for him. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And she was always like kind of hostile towards him too in like the beginning. Yeah. She still had that thing of like, oh, you just divorced her dad and you're dating this new guy. Or me, I feel like I was just younger and a little more naive. Yeah. But I think, yeah, she had that like hatred for him already. And she was actually so trying not to like jump all over the place. You're good. Yeah, so she was, she was like, well, if he moves in, like, I'm moving out. Yeah. And instead of her being like, yeah, I should think this through, clearly my kids aren't

comfortable. It was a selfish moment of, oh, well, this is what I'm choosing. You can stay or not. And we were still so young. And then two years later is when, like, I talk about it briefly, or I think I I talked about it briefly on the show about Halloween, the conversation I had with siblings at Halloween time on the show. And I think that that was the first time I had ever talked to my siblings about it or opened up because what happened 2015 when I was 15 years old,

this is after he had moved into the house. And there was like an incidence that happened when he was living there. And like we had already not felt comfortable. Anytime he was in the house, we wouldn't want to be in the house, obviously. Just like that, we would, just feel really uncomfortable, me specifically. And something happened on Halloween of 2015. And that was like my final straw where I was like, okay, I'm going to tell someone about this and like what happened. I don't, I don't think I ever even told them exactly what he had been doing for like the years before. But I just told him about what happened at Halloween. And I told my sister who was with me when my mom told us that he was moving in.

And she kind of like had that anger. For me, I didn't have that anger. Like, I feel like I never had it and I still don't. But she kind of had that anger and that driving force to like take me out of the house too. And so I was like, I'm not living here anymore. I'm leaving. And I honestly can't remember exactly how she reacted or like what she said. But she was basically like, you're lying.

Like, that's not true. That didn't happen. How could this happen? And so that was like kind of a another like traumatic moment where it was like I finally had this courage to go to my mom and say, hey, this has been happening to me. And instead of her like doing her role as a mom and doing what she was supposed to do and protect me in that moment, it was while you're lying, you can move out. And I think that was like the last time, not the last time I ever talked to her.

but I had moved out down to my friend's house and my sister moved out with me and lived there and my little brother was still staying at living at the house. So yeah, that was when I was 15. It was like just at the end of being 15, almost 16. So I feel like that's another like time period in my life that I feel like I blocked out like a lot of it. Like it was like another part of my brain shut off. Yeah. And because again, you finally have this.

courage to say, okay, I'm going to bring this up to someone that you feel like should protect you and they don't in that moment or they don't validate it, then it's like, okay, well, now I really don't have a safe place in this. And also I think it was another, like, I still haven't fully opened up to all the details of my sexual abuse, even to like my husband, which he's very patient with me about. Yeah. But again, it's just this thing that's ingrained to me of like, well, no one's going to believe me. Or, I don't know. Like I, I, um, I've been learning a lot about it in therapy. But yeah, it's like I physically can't remember a lot of it.

And also I just, I just choose not to because it's not comfortable. It's painful. So, yeah, that was like the Halloween that I was talking to my siblings about on Halloween. Yeah. It was like a literal full circle moment. Yeah. How many years later, like 10 years later? Yeah.

So, yeah, we just never, because again, they were grown up with those same things of we don't talk about our feelings. They didn't really ask questions. Yeah. And I think I wouldn't be open to talking about those questions. I think it was really like my chronic illness. Yeah. In the last like three years that really like shifted my mindset. Yeah.

On like all of that. and opening up because again, I think my body was truly like screaming at me internally. And then it just started coming to the surface. And so I was like, I have to talk about it. Yeah. And I did like a lot of research about like the mind-body connection to. And yeah, like meeting. I think from when I met Jace to is because I mean I got pregnant at 16. So that was kind of another traumatic. It was just like time and time after. Yeah. But yeah, like getting pregnant at 16 was another traumatic experience in itself. And I had just moved out of my house.

I think I got pregnant literally a year, almost a year exactly after I moved out of my house at 15. So, yeah, it was like I hadn't even processed that. And then I'm jumping into now being a mom and raising a kid at 16, 17. And I think I think all. all that was traumatizing, but also it was so helpful having, like, being with someone like Jace because, again, he's been like so patient with me and he like truly wants me to be the best like version of myself, I feel like. And I really think he is that safe place for me finally that I didn't have. Yeah. So, um, yeah. And I, and I,

my brain's like all over the place now. I'm like once it comes out, it comes out in like all different waves. But yeah, like it's not, obviously it was so hard. Like I had only known him for like a month. Yeah. Before I got pregnant. And so I'm like, I didn't even know this guy. I had, I mean, I was living at this point, I was living at my sister's house.

Now we moved out of our friend's house to my, to like a house that my sisters lived in with my brother. And I had to drop out of. school and I was like I'm pregnant and I didn't really tell any of my friends I kind of just like dropped off the face of the earth yeah um just trying to like process everything your mom has no idea like any of this is going on or she that's another very vivid memory when I found when I found out I was pregnant was actually with my mom um because I was I was in a was in a sauna at the gym for like 45 minutes I used to go in the sauna all the time and it was like 45 minutes I a trash bag on. I walk out of the sauna. Like I stand up and I was like, oh my gosh, I'm so dizzy.

But I just kept walking. And then I literally passed out and just blacked out. And I woke up. I had this like huge goose egg on my head because I had like fallen into the stall door at the gym. Oh, wow. And so I went to, I was sleeping at my friend's house and her mom was a nurse and was like calling my mom and was like, you should take your kids. You know, your daughter has this thing. She might have a concussion. Um, so my mom. picked me up and took me to the emergency room. And they ended up doing like blood testing because I had, I think I had passed out like once before. Okay.

I was like probably because I was pregnant. I didn't know it. Yeah. I had passed out once before. And so they thought that something was wrong with like my heart or something. And they asked all the questions before. They're like, are you sexually active? Are you this?

And I was like, no, I'm not sexually active. Like my mom was there too. I'm like, clearly I wasn't comfortable with my mom. I was like, no, I'm not sexually active. and then like two hours later they come back and they're like so everything with your EKG came back normal but we told like you're two weeks pregnant from your blood test basically and um I remember my mom just like smacking me or so I can't remember what she did and then um he like walked out of the room he just dropped that bomb and he was like okay see yeah um and then she was like what are you going to do

and I think at this point I kind of like knew that I was pregnant I was pregnant was already having weird symptoms. I was only like two weeks, but also when you're 16, it's like such a switch, like switch for your body. She's like, what are you going to do? And immediately I was like, well, I'm going to keep it. Like I feel like in my mind, I never thought of any other options. I was just like, I'm going to keep him. And so, and then I had to tell Jace. And that was also Jace's like immediate reaction was just obviously whatever you want to do, I'm here. And we just made that work. but yeah I just I think that was kind of the it was kind of like the turning point for mine and my mom's relationship kind of like force which even though we still never even talked about it so it was still

like pushed under the rug still haven't talked about it to this day it was just like I was 16 years old I was pregnant I didn't tell any of my siblings only jace knew none of my friends knew so I was just so isolated and alone and my mom was one of the only people that knew and she actually told my older sister, but they were like the only two people out of my family that knew. And at this point, I had barely, again, I barely knew Jace. Yeah. So, um, although I wasn't comfortable around her, it was just like more comfortable than with Jace at that point. Yeah. And so she would, you know, come to doctor's appointments and do things, which again, I think my brain just kind of like shut off all those emotions. Yeah. Because, yes, because, yes,

Being around her was like obviously very triggering. Yeah. But I also didn't have a choice because I was 16 and I didn't know what I was going to do. Yeah. And I didn't know what to do. And so she was kind of just like that person that was there during that time for, yeah, until I had him. Yeah. At 17.

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No, I hadn't, I actually haven't, that's what I was saying. I haven't even told anyone about that. had. There was like three different people. And so I think it was like with the first one, again, like when I brought it up to her, I was like, I just didn't see a point of bringing up anything else because I was like, clearly she's not believing me. And this isn't a place to do it. And so I think, again, I really internalized all of that hurt and abuse. And I still haven't like opened up to Jace. I've opened. up to him more about things, but not like actual acts and actual things that were happening. And that's what's been, I've had to learn with like the therapy. I've been doing a little bit of

EMDR and because it became, like, sex became very triggering later. Like again, like when we first met, I barely knew him. And so our first issue that we ever had was communication because he was someone that really wanted to work through things and talk to me. And then I would hone into my dad and I had emotionally shut off because it was like so much being thrown at me that I was like, I don't know what to do with this. I'm going to shut off. And so then that made him angry and like want to talk more. And so that was like a really hard dynamic for a while.

And then after having kids, it was, I say there was like a good period of our sex life where I was like kind of experiencing things for myself. Yeah. Whereas before I did. didn't think of it like that. And I think because he was that safe place and was patient and, like, great, that I was like, okay, this is for me and I can figure out some things that I like. Yeah. But then after having kids, I think it was with my second, like during my second pregnancy, I was probably like 1920. Yeah. It was like, that's when I started noticing it becoming an issue

because, of course, it wasn't addressed. Yeah. And. With like the triggers, I didn't realize, oh, these are triggers. And even like simple things, like, I feel like it's so common for people in marriages to, like, not want to have sex and be like, well, yeah, let's just do it. They want it. Like, you're trying to, like, meet each other's needs. Yeah. But I just had that background of all that sexual abuse that he wasn't fully aware of either. That it started becoming very triggering where I was like, I don't want to be doing this, but I'm going to do it. And then also you have the hormones of being pregnant and not being confident.

just also weighing on your mind. And so I was like, well, let's just, I was like, all right, I'm just going to do it. And I think that was kind of like another turning point of when it started becoming, like those triggers started trickling in. And subconsciously, I was resenting him and making him the abuser where it wasn't the case. And so, yeah, which is what I realized really recently going through all the sexual abuse. therapy that I've been doing because when it's happening it's it's really hard to like check in with yourself and like recognize it I think that's the first step is really recognizing why it's happening yeah which I've I've learned a lot through therapy is oh this is why it's happening

and I'm able to pinpoint back to certain times or why it's triggering yeah but I think I think that's the easier part of it I think the hardest part is then changing or like redire directing the emotion. That's what I've struggled with the most is just taking it and being like, yes, this is happening. And I don't want it to happen, but yet I'm still letting it happen. Like it's really hard to change that when you grow up. So that's been like my biggest struggle is taking those triggers and turning into a positive experience for myself or redirecting it in my brain. especially when I mean we have like three kids now it's hard to kind of just sit one on one and talk to him without you know a kid coming in and then another kid coming in and really just like being present with each other but he has had to be like really patient with me especially in the last like three years yeah because again sex became very triggering the last like six years yeah but the last like three years with all my health stuff was like really really heightened it yeah and I feel like there's also like this time period of once you start like the healing journey of like therapy and actually talking through this stuff and almost like

it gets worse before it gets better because you're like having to relive this stuff and it just makes things even more triggering than I think in yeah like I think in season two um I think season two is the first time I ever like went to therapy and kind of like deep dove into like the actual sexual sexual abuse part of things yeah and even now like I'm so much better about feeling my emotions and being able to process them and regulate them. Where in season two, like I'm talking to therapists, my hands are like shaking. Like, it's like an emotional release. Like you have that trauma response.

Yeah. Being released. And I mean, I still get that because it's still a very triggering topic. And anytime it's brought up, like, obviously I have all those emotions still running through me. But yeah, season two, it was like really like I'm physically very uncomfortable. doing it. But I think that's like my biggest advice to people, though, is you're not going to see any change if you're not putting yourself in those situations because that's when your body is,

I think like internally my body got the most change. And outwardly, like with my skin stuff, I've seen the most change with processing it and just like honestly just talking about it. Yeah. Which is such like a small, I mean, it's a small step, but it's a huge step just to even talk about it. So yeah, I feel like I've become a lot better. Yeah. But, I mean, it's still, it was really hard to even get me to therapy. Yeah. Because, yeah, it's uncomfortable.

It's a hard thing to do. For sure. When did you first tell Jace about the abuse? I think I told him about it a couple years ago. Well, he already kind of knew the situation with, like, my mom's boyfriend. friend because he was friends with my sister. And so... Is that how you guys met?

Yeah. So we met through my sister and his roommate that worked together. Okay. And so that's how I met him. And so he had kind of known, like, I'm sure he was asking, like, why I, I think my sister probably told him. Like, I'm guessing, because he did know, like, a little bit of why was it living. Yeah.

With my mom or, like, what happened there. Yeah. And I had to tell him, like, a little bit about it. And I think I opened up about what was happening when I was like seven younger. Probably like six years ago, like right after like when it started getting really more triggering. Yeah. I had to like kind of tell him because it would get so frustrating. And I feel like a lot of that anger was being put on him.

And he felt a lot of rejection of like, I'm not a lot of. of like I'm not attractive, like my wife doesn't want to sleep with me and I feel like that made me feel so guilty. Yeah. Because it's actually really interesting because that's something I've learned recently too is like the guilt that we get from like subconsciously

when we grow up. So like when I was raised with my mom who was like, oh, you guys are this, you're this, you're this. And she was like outwardly saying all this stuff to us. It was kind of like ingrained into us just like the, I'm not doing enough or it's my fault or this. Yeah. And so he, he would come to me with these issues.

And instead of me, like, validating them or like getting his side of it. Yeah. I would just subconsciously have that guilt set in of, oh, it's because I'm not doing enough. Instead of, oh, it's because you need this. Yeah. It was, oh, it's my fault. And so then I would react being defensive or being whatever, yeah.

taking that, redirecting that anger back on him. And yeah, I think I just opened up to him and it helped him really understand. Yeah. Like, oh, or at least understand a little bit more. And I think that's happened like the last six years. Like there's new information that I'll put in to really help it click for him. Yeah. Because for him, it's just really helpless. Yeah. He feels helpless that he can't do anything. And he still obviously has his emotions of being insecure. Yeah. angry and this. And sometimes he does, like, he has to be very selfless and internalize it a little bit to help me out because he's, yeah, he doesn't have, he's like, I don't have as much trauma and I don't have as much this. And so he's very, like, gentle with me because he knows the situation. Yeah. And, like, he's been great with, like, parenting stuff, too. That's the whole, it's, like, so many different things that you don't realize you get from your childhood that really shapes you

to who you are. Yeah. Until it starts trickling in in places that you don't want it to. Yeah. Yeah. I had something recently with Taylor and we were at my, we were with my parents. And I forget what was going on, but it was like they're not really like, his parents are like, oh, my gosh, you did so great. Asked 17,000 questions like they're like that.

My parents are like, oh, cool. Yeah. And like, that's it. But like, that's just like normal. And that's been like, I think for Taylor and I'm like, oh, honey, that's great. And that's like all I'll say. He's like, but did you like it? Or like, do you think that's a good idea? Like, it's not validating him enough. But that's like, I was raised just like, great. Like that was all I got. So like that's how I am. And we were up with my parents recently and we were telling them about something exciting. And they were like, oh my gosh, how cool. And then like one of them started talking about something else. We got in the car and he was like, I finally realized where you get it from. And it's not like my parents are great. And they're like, my parents are great. And they're like, the most supportive people, but they're just like not like his mom is like she will ask like 17,000 questions and it's like just so like, well, that's how like my husband, that's how Jace's mom. Well, Jay's mom is just like, I mean, again, she's had 14 kids. So I don't know how I'm like,

I don't know how she's so incredible. The way that she can handle her emotions and everyone else's is like so fascinating and admirable to me because again, she's so good at validating. Well, his sisters like they're all so great at validating people which i think is such an amazing trait to have i wish it's one that i had um yeah they're just so great at validating like they're always like you're so amazing like you're so this you're so this and i think i actually talked about that on your when i came here for your valentine's thing like the hardest thing i've had to learn with jace too is like his love language yeah because that's i think that's a big shift when you get married is like this is not something that's safe and comfortable for me but this is something you really need and

So it's a really hard dynamic of, oh, well, he wants me to ask 100 questions or he wants me to validate him in this, but also communicating it. Like I was never communicating things. I just had expectations for Jace. And that was kind of. Yeah. I know. I think the love language thing is so interesting. It's like, Taylor and I've been together for over seven years now. And I'm like, I know your love language and I'm still struggling with trying to do that. And you're still struggling. And sometimes it is hard. Like it's, again, having kids, it's so hard. And like now doing the show being so emotionally exhausted. Yeah. It's I get home and Jace comes, that's when I see my childhood come in. Like my child's self come in in the defensiveness. Yeah. It's because he'll come to me with these issues.

And instead of me saying like, oh, I'm so sorry you're dealing with these issues, I'm like, you're having these issues because I'm not being a good enough wife or I'm not doing enough for you. Yeah. Where that's something I've recently voiced to him is like I have all this like internal guilt for some reason that I'm projecting on you where it's like not necessarily your fault. but he's now able to realize when it's happening and like just word things more nicely. Yeah. Because it's not like he's being rude, but he's like, I understand why it would be triggering when I'm saying, I wish you did this.

Yeah. Because him saying, I wish you did this is, oh, I'm not doing this. Yeah. Where I don't, I'm not like listening. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, love languages are, it's interesting. That's, I've had to actually even like learn what my love languages are recently.

Yeah. Because again, I feel like when you don't grow up sharing your emotions, I'm like, I actually don't know what to tell you that I need because I don't know what I need. And like recently I was like, yeah, my love language. It is physical touch, which is interesting. It's just not like going to the therapy. I'm like, yes, I do love. Like I love cuddling.

Yeah. I love massages. But the second it turns into something like sexual or anything, it's like a trigger. And then I get like upset. But I'm like I do love physical touch and I love like being close. Yeah. Which I think is like a good building. blocked two to healing the sexual trauma too but yeah I was like I don't know like massages

massages are my love language yeah I remember you saying that yes so having a kid at 16 I imagine I feel like you well even like obviously I've become friends with your friends and even like talking with macy and jesse they're like she's young but she's like literally like the mom like she is the most mature out of all of us like it's so crazy and I mean it makes sense you were what you've been through I feel like you've really had to grow up. You know, the abuse aside, even just having a parent like that, a parent that's not home, like you really have to grow up. And you do have to raise yourself and figure it out. What would you say was the hardest thing having a kid so young?

I think, I'm like, I think I was just, I don't want to say like I was made for it, but thinking back, I was like, I do feel like. Your friends would agree that you are made. I feel like he like, I don't know why. Like in my mind I never had, I think it was a little bit of that internal guilt of like, this is my fault. Like I did this and I have to deal with it. And I didn't feel comfortable saying like, mom, like, what do I do? Like I need help. So like I immediately like came into like, oh, well, I'm keeping. Like that was the first thing I said was I'm keeping the baby. And I'm going to make it work. And I do think I've learned so much through like him. Yeah. Again, I'm like I just. and being a mom, I'm like, oh, I actually hate this that my mom did to us. And I don't want to be this person for my kids. And yeah, I think the hardest part was just the isolation. Like the, I would really pull myself away because I was so, I felt so guilty and embarrassed. Yeah. So yeah, just being isolated. Like, I feel like there was a time where I was, I mean, obviously I had just moved out of my house. So I was really depressed during that time. Yeah. And then having a kid in isolating, like me and were obviously getting in fights, getting to know each other. Yeah. And that was really isolating too. And I just felt like I never had anyone to reach out to during that time.

Yeah. So I think it was really just like packing, just stacking up inside of me. Yeah. All this like guilt and shame and trauma. So yeah, I think that was probably the hardest part is just not feeling like I had anyone to go to. Yeah. You talked about it a little bit, but in the show we get to see, like, the inside of one of your therapy sessions and I actually cried watching it because I just

I like forget about all these things I know um it's just one it's very it's a very vulnerable thing for you to do um but it's just like it's inspiring in a way because like I can see I could see the hurt like in you like when you're talking and like you're struggling to get these things out but it's so inspiring to watch you want to push through that to heal because I think that's a lot of people they're afraid to speak up or they don't want to have to relive it because they know if they go to therapy they're going to have to relive the situation yeah and I feel like it obviously you know sexual abuse victims but also you know people from any circumstance you know it doesn't need to be some form of abuse and

any hard time that you've gone through having to go to therapy and relive that and work towards that healing journey, it is hard. But you were just like so, I actually, I watched it twice because I watched it once and then I rewatched it with Taylor and I cried both times. It's just, it's just like inspiring and it's a beautiful moment of like hurt and strive and love. So I want to thank you for like allowing that because that is not an easy task to do. But When did you start going to therapy? I started, actually the first therapy session, it's funny. The first one I ever went to was when I found out I was pregnant.

And I don't know why. It's like I have like very vague memory of it. Yeah. But it was a therapy session with my mom in the room, which I was like, this is after I was. Seems counterproductive. Yes, I was like, what am I going to open up about? Like I don't think I really got anything from it. Yeah.

Because I don't even remember what we were talking about. Like it might have just been getting pregnant. It might have been like a school obligated thing, to be honest, because I got pregnant. And yeah, that was like, I don't even count that as my first therapy session. Yeah. Because I'm like, I think she did more. Again, she has this like tendency of like if I bring something up that that hurt me, then she pushes it back on like, well, you're doing this. Or I did it because you did this.

Yeah. And so that's like kind of what the thing. therapy session was like, it was like, well, I just did this. And then she's like, you have no idea what I have to go through though with them. So it was like counterproductive. Yeah. But the first one I ever did was a couple's therapy with Jace. And that started, it started with communication stuff. Like I was telling you like the love language, like me emotionally shutting down not being able to like open up. And then it kind of like there was a little bit of like the sexual abuse that came up in it because they were just like asking about the past and this and this. And this. And this. And then it kind of like, like, there was a little bit of like the sexual abuse that came up in it. Because they were just like asking about the past and this. And this. And this. And this. And and that. Yeah. But then I never, like, I just have a habit. I feel like a lot of people have a habit when they first start therapy to go. I would overshare.

I'd feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't go for another year. Yeah. And so I kind of like did that a couple times. And so that was probably like six years ago, like again, where I was like struggling. Or no, it must have been longer ago, like seven years, which is communication stuff. Yeah. And then.

Was this after you guys had your first? This is after we had Beckham. Okay. Yeah. After my first. just because like that's when the, I feel like you, the beginning was more toxic because it was like really that dynamic of him getting angry because I wasn't expressing myself and I didn't know how to and he just wanted to help me. And so it was just like a lot more of that anger in the beginning. And then after that we did the therapy, I started going, I think I went by myself because again, I didn't feel comfortable in a therapy thing with him because it's, like, it's like, it's.

like what I'm able to realize now I do have that guilt. And so if I'm saying something that's hurtful and he gets upset, then I feel that guilt because I'm like, it's my fault. Yeah. So I just didn't feel comfortable going with him. I'm like, I think there are things that I, I think truly sexual abuse is something you need to work on yourself. Yeah. And I think he's patient with that and he's understanding, but he's just there for me when I need him to vent or talk to. Yeah. So I started doing like a little bit like six years ago, five or six years ago. And then again, it's like I went to one or two sessions. And then I never went back.

Yeah. And then I started like three years ago when all my health stuff started. It wasn't like horrible at the beginning. It was really the last like two years that were like awful. Yeah. After the first year where it got like really chronic and bad. Yeah. That it was like really a mental thing.

Yeah. Like that's where I really started getting like depressed again to where we're, wasn't like the guilt. It was more like the shame of like, oh, I'm not enough for my kids or my family or I'm not because I physically couldn't. Like I could barely get out of bed. I was in so much pain that like I couldn't pick my kids up from school. I couldn't do like little task. Yeah. And it was really weighing on me. And again, that kind of trickled into like our sex life because we couldn't, I couldn't do that either. And so and then we started filming like I think we were filming at like the peak of when my chronic illness got so bad. Yeah. That I think I went to there. Oh no,

I did. I think I went to therapy a couple times season one. And that's what I am shown as a flashback. Um, was that was in season one when I was like, it was all just like piling up at that point. Yeah. Because it was like my body physically could not take any more of this. Yeah. And yeah, like I, my body was like almost shutting down. Like I had so many infections, so many different things going on, and I just didn't get any answers. What did you think was causing your skin? Because didn't you think it was like, did you have, did you get breast implants removed? Did I read that? So it actually happened a year before that is when it all started. Was in 20, um, 2020. February 2020 is when it all started. And it started as like allergies. Like I would wake up and my eyes were like almost swollen shut and I had like eczema.

Like I would get eczema on my neck. I started getting molestum. which is like a viral thing like usually kids have it and i just had like a whole patch of it and i was like what is going on yeah and then i would start getting like hives and my skin was like so itchy all the time and i never had rashes but it was so itchy and it was like a year of that and then i got the implants in um 2023 i believe in like march of 2023 yeah and i was having like some skin issues um it wasn't like anything that wasn't like manageable yeah and then once i got my breast it implants in, it was like, it started, like I started getting the rashes, like spreading, getting worse. Yeah. And then I went on steroids. And when I went on steroids, that's when it really,

it's like my body went through a full withdrawal. I went through like only three things of steroids. And I remember it was September, I think September of 2023 is when it started getting really bad, because I had like cold turkey from, I was just doing oral steroids. And then I, I was, I went to Europe. So I cold turkey. And when I was in Europe, like, my skin started just, like, burning. Like, I was just covered. It started getting so bad. And at this point, I had no idea. Like, I was doing diets. I thought I was going to doctors and they were like, yeah, it's eczema. It's, yeah. They weren't like giving you an answer. Take Benadryl. Do this. But yeah, the steroids is what really through my body. Like, I went through like a full steroid withdrawal. And I was, when I got back from

Europe, so like September till December, my body was just bright red. Like I had like red sleeves. Like it was like my whole body was bright red. It's like it. Oh my gosh. It's so horrible. I had like the worst, like fear of going to sleep because I couldn't sleep. Like I was sleeping like two hours a night because I had like full body nerve damage. Like my skin was so thin that I just had nerve damage and like tingling and burning all over my body for like the months. And again, I felt so sad because I couldn't like snuggle my kids. I couldn't like do anything. Like I just. I feel like I didn't wear clothes for like three months because I just couldn't have anything on me. My skin was so horrible. And then it would like, it would like ooze and it would bleed and it would cut open. And so and there was like nothing I could do. And I feel like that's when I was like so vulnerable.

I think that was like the true like the one time that I really started like opening up to Jason like crying. Because I would never cry in front of him. Like I would always like cry by myself because that was like where I felt safe. but during my skin stuff like I was going through the steroid withdrawal like chemically in my brain too like I was like sobbing like four times a day to him of like I'm just so over this like I hated it so much and then at this point we had already had the opportunity to do the show yeah and I had my implants in still I had been talking to a doctor about getting them out um I I had a root canal that I was like maybe like I I've just been like doing a lot of self-research.

Like I've learned about root canals and how toxic and poisoning they are for your body. Wow. And like obviously they're going to harbor, harbor infections and all that stuff. And so I was like, maybe I need to get that taken out. And so in December is when I like set up my appointment to do my, take my implants out. And then I went in January, took them out. And it was so horrible. They actually filmed this.

They like filmed my whole surgery. taking them out and doing, because it was like the first stage of my healing journey of like literally removing all the toxic people and things for my life and body. And so I went, I took them out later that night. And my boobs started like swelling up. And like they put little drains in when you get your implants out. And my right one just kept like filling up with blood. And I was like, I feel like something's not okay. Like I was in so much pain I could barely sit up or like do anything. And so then I went in the next. morning at 6 a.m. And he like just took one look and he's like, you have to go to surgery right now.

Like start getting ready for surgery again because I had a hematoma that it was just like bleeding. And then I had to go and yeah, just emergency surgery the next morning. And I was like, of course, this would happen to me. Like it was like the story of my life at that point. I was like, if it's happening, it's happening to me. So I was like, of course this would happen. But then like, yeah, they drained that all out. He was like, I opened it up. couldn't tell where the bleeding was coming from. So I just had to like cauterize everything. And I was like, oh, amazing. Cool.

Love to hear that from a doctor. And then, yeah. And then I went back to Utah. Two days later, we started filming season one. So I was like fresh. I can't remember where I was at. I think it was a scene at Macy's house. And I had like bruises.

Like I was literally going. It was like two days later. We hopped into season one. Yeah. And I was still dealing with like all my skin stuff. Yeah. I was having to show up. Like, I never wore makeup.

I was always wearing sweats. Like, I just felt so ugly during that time that I was like, it was hard. It was hard. Like, going out of the house, even before I got the implants out, like, I remember Jace, like, forced me to get out of the house because I would just, like, stay in my house. Like, I stopped talking to Macy a lot. At this point, I was friends with Whitney still. And so I kind of was, like, isolating myself a little bit because I didn't want to go out.

And I was so uncomfortable that I didn't want to go out. Yeah. And I remember just, like, sitting in the car. Like we went to the mall and I just start crying. I was like, I don't want to get out. Like I'm so ugly. Like it felt sad. Yeah.

Like, it was really sad thinking back because, yeah, like I was like, I don't want to go out. Like, what if someone sees me and I'm looking like this? Which is so sad to think back now because, again, like showing up for filming was so hard because I felt that every single time. I was like, I just feel so ugly. I don't want to go. I don't want to film and be on camera and have everyone see this. So I guess it was kind of nice that they got me out of season one a lot because I was like honestly thank God. No, but like I just felt so like watching the season back to like Park City just got my root canal pulled out.

So I had my cheek was swollen. Like I'm going to film all these things. So yeah, that time was hard. But I think again it was a really pivotal moment for my mental health because it was really like I've been internalizing this for so long that it's starting to come out in physical ways and I can't run from it. Yeah. And so that was like the first time I ever really had like really vulnerable conversations with Jace about like how I was feeling because it was like literally every single day

for like three months straight, I'm crying to him four times a day and being super vulnerable about how shitty I feel or how ugly I feel like I look or like how I feel like I'm not doing enough or I'm not enough. And so that like really bonded us in that way to where I felt kind of. comfortable to open up to him. That's special. And then, yeah, it was nice. I think there's definitely pros that came from it.

And again, being able to share my story online. And I think that's what I love about social media and, like, doing this show is that, again, I'm forced into these uncomfortable situations that I would never do before, like, on my own. Yeah. So I think that is a really good positive that has come from sharing my story and being on the show. Yeah. Because yeah, I wasn't seeing any change before, and it wasn't until I was put in situations where I was really uncomfortable. Or again, I'm in therapy and I'm shaking and I'm breathing heavy and I'm doing whatever.

Like those situations is where I saw like the most change walking away from it. Yeah. I'm curious, where do you stand with your mom today? It's, I still see her. I see her here and there. Like she moved further away. after my grandpa passed away she still comes to like take care of my grandma like every two weeks yeah um but we don't really see her unless it's for like holidays or like we have a birthday um and again it's like

that's not a conversation we've ever had and i think that's i think that's been like the hardest thing to come to terms with is i don't think i'm ever going to have that conversation and i think i'm okay with it now because again if i was to bring it up i think it's it would be met with the same deflection that I saw my whole life. And so I think, like, for my own healing, I've just moved forward being like, that's okay. Like, I can be that safe place for myself and I can take what you showed me and never want to be like that. And yeah, I think I've just come to terms with healing myself and my family. And, yeah, I can have empathy towards her in her situation growing up, but it's also not my

problem to fix. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm proud of you. Okay, let's talk about the show a little bit. So, you obviously saw Whitney on our podcast. And I saw her on a couple podcasts. Yep, but I didn't like. What was your reaction to saying that she was coming on? And I'm curious what your takeaway was after watching it. I'm like, I'm going to tread lightly. I'm going to try and be nice about it. Um, yeah, I think there's a lot of confusion when it comes to Whitney because I genuinely just don't get where her mindset's at. Mm-hmm. Um, I think there's a lot in her that triggers me because it reminds me of my mom, too. And I think it's hard, um, especially in season two because we had so many conversations about, and like I would reference me,

reference the podcast of you said this on the podcast. I think because there was one line specifically where you asked you're like, oh, well, do you have anything you feel like you need to say to the other woman? And she was like, nope, they want to talk to me? They can. And so again, I think that was very telling. I was like, okay, interesting. Because coming back, she's like, I'm ready to apologize. I'm ready to do this. But again, it was like she didn't know what she was taking accountability for and apologizing for. So for me, it just didn't seem genuine. It came from a place of she was wanting a redemption or she was wanting to come back for

opportunities. And I think that's something that I've seen with her is that she comes back when it's convenient for her. Yeah. And so I think for me and like my own personal growth, I was like, it's okay for me to be like, I'm not letting you take any of the power. I'm keeping the power over here. And if you can do whatever you want and be on your way.

but yeah, just seeing her on the podcast still not. And this was like, I think it was like two weeks before we started filming that I saw the podcast of her being like, nope, don't have anything to apologize for. So then it was like she saw how she looked season one and then came back into season two being like, oh, I'm ready to apologize and take accountability. And then I would be like, well, I just don't believe it's genuine. And then she would get so angry and start like yelling. in doing things. And so I'm like, it just, it doesn't feel genuine to me. It feels like there was an an agenda with it, which I think is fair. I think it's a fair assumption to make. But yeah. Yeah. It was definitely interesting. Yeah. For sure. But I think there's that, that common theme with her.

For sure. You're like, end. Yeah. Okay. Last question I have for you is, what are you most proud of yourself for. This is hard. I have a good time or have a hard time validating myself. I feel like I'm definitely proud of the way I handle things. Like in the I think back to like the first conversation I had with my siblings of why don't you have this anger towards these people. And I'm able like I'm just proud of myself for now being. able to come out of it and look back with empathy and actually like really be in control of my emotions now. At least like still I'm not completely, I'm pregnant. So I'm like not completely in control of my emotions right now. But yeah, like I feel like I became the person that I needed back

then when I was eight years old, seven years old. Like the person that I needed back then, I feel like that's who I'm becoming now. Yeah. And I can say I'm proud of that. Yeah. And just the effort that I've put it in, I feel like I've had a lot of courage in the last couple of years to, like, face that and really go deep. So, yeah. Well, I'm proud of you. Thank you for opening up and sharing. And I am excited for people to really get to see more of you this season. And also just that you wear your emotions on your face.

I love it. No, it's so good. You're just like. There's only so much. someone can take. I'm like, it gets to a plea. But you're also just authentically yourself and you're a good friend. And I'm honored to know you. And thanks for getting so much. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.