The Squeeze - Rachael Kirkconnell: The Healing Journey

Episode Date: March 26, 2025

This week Tay is sitting down with Rachael Kirkconnell for a vulnerable conversation about healing after heartbreak and stepping into this new chapter in her life! Rachael opens up about what life has been like since her breakup—navigating the transition to living alone, facing the fear of being on her own, and how she works through those lonely moments. She shares her thoughts on her recent Call Her Daddy episode, how she feels about it two months later, the public’s response, whether her perspective has shifted, and if she and Matt have spoken since it aired. Rachael also talks about the possibility of friendship in the future, the importance of love languages, what she’s looking for in a future partner, and whether she’s ventured back into the dating world. She also shares the self-care tools that have helped her protect her mental health, talks about her new clothing collab with Showpo, and reflects on what she's most proud of in herself!Be sure to follow Rachael https://instagram.com/rachaelkirkconnell/!To email us your questions or share your story, you can reach out to [e-mail] sure to rate, review, and follow the podcast so you don't miss an episode! Plus, follow us on Instagram:The Squeeze:  https://instagram.com/thesqueeze/Tay Lautner: https://instagram.com/taylautner/Taylor Lautner: https://instagram.com/taylorlautner/& TikTok:  https://tiktok.com/@thesqueezepodcastTo learn more from The Lemons Foundation, follow  https://instagram.com/lemonsbytay/ and visit lemonsbytay.comEpisode Sponsors:Visit premierprotein.com and go to Where to Buy to find a retailer near you or find where to buy onlineRight now LMNT is offering a free sample pack with any purchase, That's 8 single serving packets FREE with any LMNT order. Get yours at DrinkLMNT.com/Squeeze No more shady business. Ritual’s Essential for Women 18+ is a multivitamin you can actually trust. Get 25% off your first month for a limited time at ritual.com/THESQUEEZEFrom gathering inspo and scoring expert advice to finding your wedding venue and figuring out your budget, The Knot connects you to all the people, places and tools you need. Visit theknot.com/audio to start planning your wedding today.Go to Cymbiotika.com/SQUEEZE for 20% off your order + free shipping todayProduced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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auto-hure without your Reis-Aisor or SunnyCars. The following podcast is a dear media production. Rachel, welcome to the squeeze. Hi.

Thank you. So it's been about two months since you did your caller daddy interview. I want to know, like, where are you at? Like, how are you today sitting here? I don't even know where to begin. I'm doing okay. But I think the thing I'm struggling with most right now is... Are you happy with how it went in the response from it?

When I was getting broken up with, I remember just feeling so terrified, like, just so scared. instead of heartbroken. And I think that's because of the attachment. I think I was so scared, oh my God, what is my life about to look like? Where do I go from here? How do I navigate life? Do you think you guys can be friends? Do you ever feel like you would want to rekindle things?

People are going to kill me for this. But like, I try not to cry. That's what was missing. Yeah, yeah. I'll talk, no action. We did have a conversation out. after the podcast. Rachel,

welcome to the squeeze. Hi, thank you. I'm so excited. I'm so excited to just like sit and talk because we haven't been able to just like do this. Like have some nice girl chat. You love a girl chat. We love some girls over here. I know.

Okay, so we start each episode off this jar, a little game. It's called Citrus got real. If you want to pull one of those little pieces of paper out and read the question. Oh, I grab three. If you were a type of bread, what would you be and why? Oh my gosh. I don't know. My mind first went to sourdough only because I love sourdough, but like I don't think I would be a sourdough. Maybe I would be like some sort of, well, maybe I could be a sourdough because maybe any kind of loaf that has like a crunchier exterior but then a pretty soft inside, I would say that's pretty accurate to how like I am right now. Yeah. I would say. Yeah. Um, definitely a softie on the inside, but I would say over the last few years, I've definitely developed like a shell. Yeah. On the outside. So, so maybe I am a sourdough. I don't know. I love that. I love sourdough. So I love

for you. Yeah. Also, I love sourdough because I feel like it's the only bread that doesn't mess my tummy up. Yes. Apparently it's gut friendly. Yes. I just got a loaf from a new vendor at our farmer's market. We go to farmers record every Saturday. I feel like there's so many good farmers markets around here. I don't have the same luxury. Maybe we'll, maybe we get you out here and you can come to them. I would love that. You can come to them. Okay. So I'm just excited to like sit down and chat because obviously you have been going through it a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. And I'm just excited to, I want to hear more about like where you're at on this journey of healing because obviously. obviously like breakups are hard and like dealing with them in private is hard and you had to have had to deal with it very publicly, which as we know is not something that you had really any say in.

But I want to know like where are you at? Like how are you today sitting here? I honestly would say I'm doing okay. I think I'm doing okay on like the breakup part of it all. but I think the thing I'm struggling with most right now is how to like navigate my life now being alone. And just filling that empty space now. Yeah. And just really having that time and energy to like put back into me. Yeah. I think for so long a lot of it was me putting my energy into him or into,

the relationship, which I loved. Like, I didn't have a problem with, but I definitely think I put myself on the back burner. Like, I would love to put all of my energy into everyone around me other than myself. I don't know why that is still trying to figure that out. Maybe because it's like me just trying to put myself to the side so I don't have to worry about it. Yeah. Because I think when I do look at myself and try to better myself, it's a scary thing.

For sure. So maybe it's just me like trying to like, I don't know. It's some sort of denial. I don't know. Yeah. But I'm doing okay with, again, the breakup part. But I think when you have all this time to yourself and you're looking in the mirror, you're like, well, now what?

Because I definitely have a lot to work on. Yeah. with myself, but I don't even know where to begin. Yeah. And I don't know, yeah, what that looks like. And it's scary, but it's also exciting in a way. For sure. So, yeah, I would say that's where I'm at right now.

Probably at the beginning of like the journey to bettering myself. No, for sure. Yeah. Taylor and I have been talking about like how excited we are for, you because even just from social media, I feel like the way you actually go about your relationships is how Taylor and I perceived you as someone that does fully just pour into other people and like put your wants and desires to the back burner, not because you were ever forced to do that, but because that's just like how you are. You're a very giving person. And we were talking

about how excited we are for you to like just like have this time for your. yourself to like really just find out like what you're passionate about and try new things. And I think there's such beauty in like being alone. Yeah. I agree. I have a friend that recently went through a breakup after like nine years and like just talking with her about like, you know, she's home alone in her apartment. And she's like, what do I want for dinner? And it's like, oh, well, I can I can literally like do whatever. Literally you could have crackers if you like, it doesn't matter like I could have any girl dinner or anything, you know. I feel the same way. It's like sometimes it's exciting to have this time and this space to myself. I'm like, I could literally pull out a tub of ice cream and I could call it dinner and no one can say anything about it. And it's great. Yeah. And so sometimes, yeah, I feel like, I feel the same way. I wake up and I'm like, what do I want to do today? I can do anything. Yeah. And sometimes it's the opposite. You know, sometimes the loneliness creeps in.

certain times or if I'm alone for too long. But I feel the exact same way. Like sometimes it's exciting and sometimes it's scary. Yeah. I liked when we were talking about before we came up here. You mentioned like if you stay at home, you like can get stuck. Yeah. Can you talk about that about talk about that a little and how you kind of get yourself out of that? Because I feel like that is such a common thing. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think sometimes you want some days, all. I want to do is just to rot in bed, to sleep. I don't want to do anything. Yeah. And some days, I know that I shouldn't be doing that. And I'm forcing myself to get out of the house, to go see people, to go see my family and my friends, to take on new fun projects, or to just say yes to a lot of more things than I usually would.

Yeah. Just to keep myself busy. and I think when you're busy and you have a lot going on in your life or you're around people, you're not left with just your thoughts. Yeah. And I think that can be, you know, you can fall into a pretty deep hole when you're alone for too long and you're left with nothing but your thoughts. So I think for me, staying busy and just trying to throw myself into a lot of different things helps me. Yeah. But sometimes I'm like, I hope I'm not just like, you know, throwing a rug over it.

Yeah. And I hope that when I am alone and I am thinking about things and, you know, those nights where I am sad or I am lonely or I'm disappointed about things, whatever it is, I don't think that's a bad thing. Yeah. I think sometimes you do need to have those days and those nights where you are just like really acknowledging. everything that's happened and your feelings and just where to go from there and how to navigate those feelings and what to do with them. But I also think that you can feel a certain way. You can be sad. You can be, I don't know, like numb at times, whatever it is, you can feel those things, but you just shouldn't let them dictate your life or what you do. I think you have to separate

okay, maybe this is how I feel right now, but this isn't what I should be doing or I feel like this, but I should go do this to better that, if that makes any sense. Yeah, no, it makes complete sense. And I think it's amazing that you have that outlook because I feel like it's like there's such extremes where like, you know, after a breakup, it's either like you're, you've locked yourself in your room, you're rotting in bed all day, you're not doing anything or it's literally the opposite. You're going out, you're parting, you're doing all this stuff because you don't want to feel anything. And it's such like a fine line. And each person in their experience is different and like what they need. So I think the fact that you like have that figured out, you're like, hey, I know this about myself that if I stay here, like it's probably not going to be for the best. And I need to like, you know, go see friends. Yeah. Get out of the house and do something. Yeah. I mean, and that's the thing. Like sometimes it is okay. Like if you feel like you're just drained or you do need a six hour nap or you don't want to do.

anything all weekend. Like, if you really feel like that'll be good for you, then go do it, you know? But if you know that that isn't something that would benefit you in any way, then you should probably acknowledge that. And like, yeah, get yourself out of the house or call someone or go do something. But like you said, everyone's journey is different. Everyone's breakup is different. I know that a lot of the feelings are similar. Yeah. And I know that a lot of things can be relatable, but yeah, you just have to do what you need to do to make yourself feel better about things or just help yourself move on. Like, whatever it is. I mean, of course, some things are better than others. And some things could be a little, like, detrimental or,

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Start ritual or add essential for women 18 and older to your subscription today. That's ritual.com slash the squeeze for 25% off. Okay, so it's been about two months since you did your caller daddy interview. Fun fact, that is the first full podcast I've ever watched. Oh, really? And Taylor literally sat down and watched it. And it was our full podcast. Because we were like wanting to, I think Taylor texted you because we were talking about it was like,

I'm just going to like reach out to her and tell her that we're thinking of her. But like, I don't know. Like I wasn't going to be like, hey, how are you? Like I just like wanted to give you space. and we obviously had questions. So I was like, I'm just going to watch this. And instead of bugging her and making her talk about it 5,000 times, I'm just going to watch this episode. My best friends did the same thing.

So you're not alone. Like the people that could literally just walk over and knock on my door, they were sat. It's so funny. I like picture my friends with their boyfriends and their husbands and fiancés. They're all just laying in bed watching me. And I'm like, it's funny to think about my friends doing that. But now I feel like I can't look at like my friends, boyfriends or husbands. husbands in the eyes right now. I'm like, don't look at me. You've seen me in a very vulnerable

stuff. That's funny. Oh my gosh. But then I'm like, oh my God, the whole world did. But it's fine. I feel like that was, it was like therapeutic for me, but also I just feel like it was needed. Yeah. At the time. Yeah, I was going to ask like, because you were like very honest and open in that interview. Are you happy with with how it went in the response from it? I would say for the most part, yes. I think that I don't have any like regret. Okay. And that's what I struggle with the most. A lot of the time I'm constantly trying not to feel regretful about things or like I'm trying to tell myself, you know, don't wish you like did things differently or don't wish you could like rewind time and change things.

Yeah. Because you can't and like just wouldn't want that to eat at me. Yeah. But yeah, it's obviously like really difficult putting yourself out there like. that just for millions of people to have an opinion on it. Yeah. And you're definitely putting yourself under a microscope. But again, I just felt like that's what I needed to do for me and for anyone who could relate and for anyone who like cared about us in the relationship. And like I didn't want to go on there to bash him in any way or say anything. I just wanted my truth out there. Yeah. And so yeah,

for the most part, I'm happy with how, you know, it all turned out, but, you know, you have those people that say certain things that get to you and misunderstand you and twist your words, of course. Yeah. But like, I just, I can't let myself, you know, I can't let that eat at me. For sure. Did you watch it back? I, for the most. part, yes. I think I listen to it. I think I have a hard time, well, I have a hard time listening to myself. I think everyone hates their own voice. But I definitely like had a hard time like watching. So I think what I, I think I put it just on my Spotify. Yeah. Just to listen to how it was edited and everything, which I feel like they kept almost everything in there. I mean, it was a very

long interview. Yeah. And you obviously always want to know how things are going to be edited and how they come out. For sure. Especially with like after being on The Bachelor and seeing seeing how edit can be taken. Yes. Oh my gosh. So yeah, like maybe some PTSD from that. Yeah.

But yeah, I did. I listened to it also. Yeah. I'm wondering, do you feel like your thoughts or feelings about anything have changed since then? just kind of like your outlook on it or I know there was a few times when I was watching it and then I was like, oh, I wonder like in a couple months if you're going to listen to this back how it's going to change. And Alex said the same thing. She's like, I'm curious to see like how you feel. I think I'm less heartbroken. And I think I don't know, like the more time that goes by,

the more time I have to think about a lot of things within the relationship and things that he did, things that I did. And just a lot of things that at the end of the day, like, weren't okay or weren't respectful. Yeah. And that's helped me move on. But I think the thing that hasn't changed is, like, I still don't and never will have, like, any hate. or like ill will towards him. Yeah. And there's just so many layers to it that people don't understand.

Yeah. And they never will unless like that's that's his story to tell. And like if he ever wants to explain certain things, then of course like he should be able to do that. But I just never ever want to see anyone be. talk down to, like, publicly or be bashed on. It's, it's just, I've been there. It's not a great feeling. And, yeah, like, that'll never change for me. But definitely, like, you know, looking back on it and questioning myself a lot and blaming myself for things, I think that's shifted a bit. Yeah. And I think, you know, the more time that goes by, like, who knows, in a few years,

I might just look at the entire thing in a completely different light than I do now. Yeah. But it is still pretty fresh like you said it's been two months and it's been you know a good two months for me a lot of learning realizations yeah um just a lot of like just self-love trying to be done yeah um but yeah i think that it takes longer than two months so yeah no it definitely it definitely takes time and i love what you were saying like i feel like your guys's relationship had so many levels to it like Like you guys have been through a lot together. And like there's almost like not a trauma bond, but almost like there was for sure for you guys. And I feel like a lot of people forget that that was a thing.

So if people are like, why did she stay or why? Like you're being too nice, which I did think you were being too nice. I knew it was fresh. It was fine. But there is like such, you know, like there is such a deeper level. And you two really went through a lot together. So it makes sense. No, we were definitely attached.

Like, I won't speak from, I was definitely attached. Yeah. So I think when the breakup was happening, I think I've come to the realization when I was getting broken up with, I remember just feeling so terrified, like just so scared. Yeah. Instead of heartbroken. And I think that's because of the attachment. I think I was so scared. I just remember thinking like, oh my God, what is my life about to look like?

Yeah. Where do I go from here? Like, how do I navigate life without him? Fear of the unknown. Yeah, like, because I pictured, not only were we together for so long, but I pictured the rest of my life with him. Yeah. So when that just disappeared, it's scary. I just was like, oh my gosh, what's life going to be like now?

or where do I go from here? And how do I navigate this? How do I navigate this whole world on my own? Yeah. Because I feel like he was always like my life jacket in a way. Yeah. Because I've never been in this space by myself. Yeah.

I went from just being like normal girl that no one knew about to overnight. Yeah. Going through all of this craziness and us being in a relationship since then. Yeah. So it was just scary. And I think a lot of relationships that when you're together for so long, you do just become so attached to one another. I mean, naturally. And like, that's okay. But it's okay to a certain extent because you just want to make sure you're not losing yourself along the way. And you still need to have your independence. And I think I let go of that a little bit. I think that. I wasn't putting myself first and doing things for myself as much as I should have been. Yeah, for sure. It's such a real thing.

And it's so common and relatable. Like, I feel like so many women, I mean, and men go through like that same feeling in a relationship. And I'm curious, like, where you're at. Because I feel like when you're with someone, as you said, you envision your. life with them and then they're like, no, actually, I don't like see a future with you. How do you like get through that in this sense of how have you worked through taking the blame and blaming yourself for that? Because I know that's so common. And, you know, I've definitely like had those feelings and past breakups like, oh, like I did this wrong. It was my fault that they didn't

want to be with me when in actuality, that's probably not what's going on. And it's probably actually something with them. How have you been able to kind of like, work through those thoughts? Well, I think that it did help. We did have a conversation after the podcast. Okay. I was going to ask if you guys talked. And again, I think if he ever wants to share his side of it and his story, then he's more than able to, of course, you know. But I think that hearing, certain things come from him helped me a lot. I think that

you know, not only did he apologize for things, but he took a lot of things back. And of course, that was really hard to hear. Yeah. And it was really sad and it hurts because you're like,

well, I don't know. Sometimes I tell myself, like, it was so nice to hear the things that I've been wanting to hear for weeks and I finally got that apology and that closure and that honesty that I needed from him, but it still didn't change anything for me. Yeah. Like it still happened.

He still did what he did, and we still had to navigate everything after that. Yeah. And so I know that it's so hard because, of course, like, you want to forgive someone and I do. I totally forgive him. I have no bad feelings towards him, but that doesn't change what had happened. And I think you can forgive someone without, you know, taking them back or wanting to work through things or whatever it may be. I think you can forgive someone and accept their apology, but then keep moving on. Or like, and this can go for like, friend. It doesn't have to be just relationships. I was just going to say this. Friendships. Family, anything. Like, you can accept their

apology and you can believe that they're being sincere, but it doesn't mean that you have to have them back in your life. Yeah. It doesn't mean that, you know, oh, I forgive you, let's try this again, or oh, I forgive you, let's be friends again. Because at the end of the day, if you know it's still not right and what they did is still not okay, like you don't have to take them back into your life. Yeah. Yeah. No, it makes complete sense. And I think that's so wise and honestly, like, the best way to heal. Like, it's really hard to, like, heal if you have not a broken, obviously, a broken heart, but, like, ill will towards someone. It's really hard to, like, heal yourself. I agree. So, like, grieving or, like, really, like, deeply upset with someone. And having that, you know, the Mel Robbins theory, like, let them, like, knowing like that, like, letting them make their own decisions and do their own things. And just knowing that. And just knowing that. you know, you forgive them. And I think you can really start to heal from a really healthy place.

Yeah. How do you do that? I agree. And I just think that you have to remind yourself, you cannot control anyone other than yourself. Like, you don't know what people are going to say. You don't know what people are going to do. Yeah. You don't know what decisions they're going to make the actions they make. You don't know any of that. All you can control is yourself, your own feelings, your decisions, your actions, whatever it is. And I think that's what's helped me. Yeah. Heal from all of this is just understanding that I don't have full control of anything. All I can do is focus on how I react to things, how I move on from things. And again, going back to my

feelings, I can feel these things, but it doesn't mean that I have to act on them. Yeah. Because there's times where, you know, I am sad and lonely and sometimes I do want to give him a call or sometimes I do want to, you know, do nothing like lay in bed and rot. But I know that none of those things are good for me. And I know that it would probably be a mistake if I did any of those things. And so, yeah, you just, you can't control anyone but yourself and you just really have to acknowledge those feelings. and just be proactive about where you take things from there on out. But I will say I'm a little, I might be a little cynical right now.

I don't know. Like when you ask like how I'm doing moving on or like how I've been able to navigate things, I think that I have come to the realization that like a lot of it wasn't me or my fault or my problem. And I do think it helped that I had that conversation with him and I heard those things from him. But even if I hadn't, I think that is so important to acknowledge it for yourself. Like it wasn't fully me, wasn't 1,000% completely my fault. Yeah. And I think that's easier said than done. I think you just have to constantly remind yourself, like, as much as someone's

wanting to put the full blame on you. Yeah. This is just not the case. Like, you know, there's a balance to everything. And I'm sure we both said and did things that we shouldn't have said or done or at the end of the day, like, we just weren't compatible on some things. And we both have things we need to work on. Yeah. And that's okay. Do you think you guys can be friends? Do you think that's smart to have a friendship? Do you ever feel like you would want to rekindle things? Like, where are you at with that? Or what do you feel as best for you? People are going to kill me for this. But like, I, still do wish, like, on some level, we could be friends. Yeah. Because he was my best friend. Try not to cry. He was like, you know, of course he was my best friend for years. And we were, like, friends before boyfriend and girlfriend in our relationship. Like, not every relationship is like that. But sometimes, like, I would even look at him and be like, are you, like, actually, like, in love with me? Like, do you, like, do you? see your my you know like I don't know for for me at times I was like it really does just seem like

we're best friends yeah um and again so many relationships are different yeah I love that about like I want all my relationships to feel like the man that I'm dating is my best friend so I loved that for the most part um and so I do think that it's a possibility maybe sometime down the line. Like, I'm still like, you know, trying to not support him, but I just like, I want him to be okay. Yeah. Because, again, there's so many things, so many layers that not everyone knows. Yeah.

Nor do they need to. Exactly. Exactly. Some things are just between us and it's private. Not everyone needs to know everything. So there is a part of me that I will always, you know, like be rooting for him and hope that he's doing okay. Yeah.

And I would love to maybe someday, like, not anytime soon. Don't worry, guys. But like, I don't know, a couple years from now or something, like if we were to run into each other at an event or any, like, something. I would love to be able to sit and have a conversation, have a laugh and catch up and it not be, I don't think either of us have, like, any bad blood or, like, ill will towards each other. Yeah. So maybe like when we're...

They want to be cordial friends, everyone. Yeah. Friendly. Friendly. Friendly. Friendly. Yeah. Like, we don't have to be friends, but friendly would be nice.

Yeah. And yeah, like I do want him to be happy. Yeah. It doesn't have to be with me. I said that from the beginning of our relationship. I said that to him on the show. I'm like, at the end of the day, I just want you to be happy, even if it's not with me. And I still feel like that.

Yeah. To this day, like, I just want, I want both of us to be happy, even if it's not with each other. Yeah. So I don't know. We'll see. We're still not, you know, I'm, I feel like one of the big questions right now is like, are you in contact and we are not in contact. I have not been texting him. I've not been calling him. Don't worry. But I would love if we could be friendly at some point. Yeah. I support. I support friendly. Thank you. Thank you.

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It's symbiotica.com slash squeeze for 20% off plus free shipping. I feel like something that a lot of women deal with is like kind of what you were saying. Like when, like finding that line of like best friend and like, like, like lover partner. I don't know what the correct. Like actually like being in love in a relationship. And like trying to like figure out that line of like contentment and like letting things just like go on for so like longer than they should. Yeah.

Do you have any advice for someone that maybe just feels like they're kind of like in that weird kind of rut with their partner and what that step next step should be? be for them? I mean, looking like on the outside now, because on the inside, you know, when we were still in the relationship, I think that was something that I struggled with. Yeah. And I didn't know how to feel that, you know, of course we are best friends, but we are more than that. Yeah. And how do we make sure, like, this romantic spark is still there? Just romantic that was sort of. I was like, no, you're so good. No, I agree. No, I agree. I agree. And I think that this is even a thing with like marriage or just any like long-term relationship.

I think that you have so much respect and like admiration and love for them. But the romance gets put on the back burner. So I guess my advice, if anyone's going through that, you have to be like, again, like really proactive about making those, I don't know, like putting in that effort. Yeah. And like making those choices to acknowledge your partner in some romantic way or just showing like how much you love and appreciate them. It can be bigger, small. Like it doesn't have to be this grand gesture, even though like, you know, that's nice too. Those are fun. Every so often. No one's ever going to be mad about grand gesture. Taylor, if you listen to this episode back. No, literally. But yeah, like I think that so like when I felt like that in our

relationship. A lot of the time, if it was like around like a holiday, like whether it was like Valentine's Day or my birthday or anything, and he would ask like, what do you want? I'd be like, I don't want anything except like I really would love a love letter or just like please put your feelings down for me on pen and paper so I can like I'm the same read this back if I'm ever feeling like you don't love me or like, you know, you're bored with me or whatever it is. Everyone has their own feelings. But yeah, I just think it's really important to just go out of your way sometimes and like put in that effort to show how much you love them and how much you care for them and just how like thankful you are for them. Again, could be big or small. Yeah, I love that. No, that's what we were talking about before, how Taylor and I just went to Mexico for like a little just like weekend together. And it's hard. Especially when you like work with a person, like how you guys were. Like when you're just like this close to the person all the time, it's hard to just like to get out of that. Because you see each other all the time. It's kind of like, lookty do. Like we're together. But like really setting that time aside. Quality time. Yes. When I was working in the hospital and like I would have like. I would have like. a night off and Taylor and I would get to have dinner together. Like that time was like so valuable. And like now we

we literally spend every waking moment together. So like when we have dinner, it's like, okay, well, what are we going to watch while we have dinner? Yeah. Like the other than I was like, no, like that's actually sit like at the table and like not have our phones and just like talk because it's so easy just to get stuck like in that. Have you seen those games or like the cards where, you know, it's like questions that you've never asked each other like things you haven't talked about in a long time. I also think that would be a good idea because I also think when you're with someone for so long, you're wondering, like, well, what else is there to talk about? Yeah. Or, like, you know, you know everything about each other.

Yeah. So sometimes that's fun just to, like, put in that effort of having those deep conversations or those meaningful conversations. But also, like, make sure you're asking your partner their love language. Yeah. And sometimes I would tell myself, like, I had all of them. them. Like, I don't know. Like, I loved, at least, like, appreciated every single one. Yeah. But, yeah, everyone's different. I think mine at the end of the day was words of affirmation, and I don't know if I was getting them as much as I needed. But also, like, that probably was maybe a little bit on me as well. Like, you shouldn't have to, you know, reaffirm your partner of your feelings for them every single day. Not that I was asking every single day. But there's a balance to everything. I feel like we always end up with someone that has a different love language. So it's also like...

Hard to understand. Yeah, it's hard. Like Taylor and I are very different in our love languages. And he's like physical and we're... I mean, I guess I am kind of words of affirmation too. But I'm more like acts of service. Like when he puts the dishes away, I'm like, I literally... Yes. And it's so easy. Yes. I know. But for him it's not and it's okay because sometimes men are like that. Well, I was about to say, I think a lot of men, it's physical touch because I think that is. Just them. Yeah. Like, I think that is just men in general. And I think that we're obviously so different when it comes to, like, our emotional wellness or, like, I don't know, just like the way our brains work. Yeah. Totally different.

Yeah. And I think that sometimes men don't get where we're coming from with certain things. Yeah. So I don't know. It just depends. Yeah. But yeah, that's an important thing to ask your partner or just to acknowledge and to be aware of like what will make them feel loved. Yeah.

Moving forward. I'm curious what, I mean, not saying these aren't qualities that he didn't have, but what qualities do you look for in a person? And if there's anything that you maybe look for like a little more. I think like when I, I'm really scared to start dating. Like I'm actually terrified when I think about it because I'm like, how do you know? how do you really know someone until you've spent like a long amount of time with them? Like I think, you know, obviously the more time you spend with someone, the more you get to know them. Yeah.

But I think you see that in relationships a lot. Like the first few months are amazing. Yeah. You could be getting love bombed, but you don't know it. Like, I don't know. And then like a switch could just flip. I don't know. scary to think about.

So if anyone has any advice for me on dating, let me know. Because I have not actually. I was going to ask if you've been, if you've, like, are you like no to dating right now? Have you like? I'm not like. The idea of going on a date or. Okay. So I guess we'll tackle these two questions together.

Because like what I'm looking for, I'm still figuring that out. I just want someone who's like. nice and not afraid to be romantic or like a romantic. And I'm again, I'm not saying that Matt did or didn't do these things. I'm just talking about Rachel everyone. Yeah. Don't worry. But I said this earlier, like a few weeks after like how I just really want to simp and everyone was like, had a lot to say about that word in particular. And I agree, like I hate that word because I think that. I think that. we've turned like the definition of it is like someone who isn't afraid yeah to like be romantic or like really show his love for his woman or like just like be down bad for his girl like I want that

yeah and I like just want someone to like just be so affectionate and loving towards me and like scream it from the top of the world and like not care what anyone thinks. Yeah. And yeah, I just like, I guess like I want like a lover boy or just like someone who's like, because at the end of the day like I'm a hopeless romantic. Yeah. And I do think that I need someone to match that energy. But or just like yeah, like someone who's like not afraid to like show his like feelings and be

affectionate and like be really deep and vulnerable with me. Yeah. And I think a lot of men have trouble with that. Yeah. Women do too. Like, I mean, there are people out there that really struggle with that. Yeah. And so I guess I just want someone to be like very emotionally available, vulnerable, not afraid to like share his feelings with me. Yeah. I feel like in high school, like it was looked down upon on like eyes if they were like whipped. Like I remember that was like such a thing. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. We had whipped and now it's simping. Yeah. And I hate that. Because to me that's like toxic masculinity.

Yeah. And I was like, you're not a not masculine guy. Yeah. Just because you show how much you love your girl. Yeah. And I hate that. Yeah. So that's, that's how I felt like finding Taylor, like, growing up, so I'm an only child. I would like always like, I wanted to get married. I wanted five kids. Like when I turned 18, I was like, get me like, get me. You wanted a big family because you didn't have one? Yeah. I wanted to be married young. I wanted like all of these things. Yeah. I'm meeting Taylor and like actually being in a relationship with someone like he, the biggest thing I always say is like he respected me. And I think, I think that feeling is like he like, like I literally, I always say this all the time. Like Taylor, like Taylor will literally hang out with my girlfriends like without me. I love that. Like, like, it's just him. And it's crazy how like people think like, oh, well, that's like, that's like, that's too girly or like as a guy. I'm like, it's actually like. Because you would do the same thing too if you needed to. Like, I'm sure you could hang out with his friends if he wasn't around. Absolutely. And like. Such a double standard sometimes. The love that, the love and respect that he.

he's giving me and like he is a lover boy like he will be the first one in a minute but it's no and i can tell i just i can see how much you guys love each other yeah and it's just it brings such like a cool level of like trust in love and like he's like not afraid to like do a face mask and have like a wine night with the girl like he loves that and i'm like that's actually like the most masculine thing i think so too because you are so sure in your masculinity that you can do any of these things whereas like some guys are like no that's that's for girls or no that's game like, oh my gosh. Yeah.

Like, please stop. Yeah. I hate that. No, it's the biggest thing. So, like, hearing you say that and I have a couple of girlfriends that have recently found partners that are like really just like all for them. Yeah. And like, I feel like when people hear that sometimes, it's like, no, I'm not asking like my

partner to like do all of these things for me and like be like only obsessed with me and do all of this stuff. But it's just like this level of like they're fully committed to you and like, like I just there's nothing, and here's the thing, there's nothing wrong with that. I think people are trying to make something wrong with it. At least like a lot of men out there are trying to make fun of guys that are like so in love with their girl. Yeah. And there's nothing, like, what is wrong about that? I love seeing a man just acknowledge his wife and his kids and just really expressing like how much he loves and admires and cares for them.

Yeah. And I just think along the way that's just turned into this thing seen as weakness when for me it's strength. Yeah. It's really like emotional intelligence. Yes. Exactly. So maybe I just really need a man that is just emotionally intelligent in tune with his emotions.

Yeah. The rest, I'm like open. Like I don't think I have a type. Yeah. You know, I obviously love someone who can be. make me laugh. Yeah. And I can have like a lot of fun with. But then I also love the idea of, again, being able to have pillow talks with them and deep conversations and everything in between. So the rest, I'm very open to, you know, I don't have a type physically or anything.

Like I'm excited, but I'm also terrified. And I don't know how, I think dating today, like in this day and age scares me. Yeah. I think like it seemed a lot easier back then than it does now. And I think social media and even like the profession I'm in is scary because I don't know how you can tell like who's being genuine and who's not. Yeah. So that'll probably be something that'll have to navigate which scares me. Yeah. But yeah, I think when I was saying earlier I'm a little cynical right now. It's because I'm like, how am I actually going to find someone who's not perfect, but like perfect for me? Yeah. Because there are things that I care about. But how will I, I don't know, it's like how will he have these things? What if he has these things,

but I'm not, I don't know, physically attracted to him? Or what if we do have a lot of fun together? and am physically attracted to him. And he has all these qualities that I love about him, but he can't be vulnerable with me or can't. Like, it's just scary to think about someone needing all of these things. And I'm like, how am I going to find him? I don't know. No, I feel like when you find someone like that, your things start to change. Not because you're compromising what you want, but like with Taylor, like I, you know,

like I was saying, I wanted to get married right away and have kids. And after like a year of dating him, I was like, Oh, I actually feel like I'm not in a rush to like get married or like, you know, get engaged or anything. How long did you guys date before you got married? Four years. So you knew. Yeah. I was ready by it.

I was itching. I was itching at the four year mark. Well, Taylor actually had my ring for like nine months, but he was trying to make it perfect. Of course. Yeah. No, and I get that. Yeah. I had a lot of friends.

Same thing. Like their boyfriends had their rings in their hidden in their house somewhere for months. Yeah. And they get it. It takes planning. Yeah. So I love that. But at least you knew. I'm sure you guys were talking about it and being active and had the ring and everything. Yeah, no. We, yeah. We, yeah. We, yeah. We, yeah. We'll talk, no action. Yeah. No, we definitely. And it was not, it was a lot of the initiation was like Taylor too. But yeah. You know, I understand he was going through stuff. And it was cool to see, I mean, even still to like today, I feel like some things I, like used to really like want to do or, you know, it's just changed because not because I'm compromising. stuff, but just because I'm like, I actually really love this person and like if this is like what he needs that I'm going to do this. And I know that Taylor has done that for me as well. No, compromise is important in a relationship. Because there is a lot of push and pull. And again, no one's going to be perfect. Like there's no such thing. And I, I know that. I know that, you know,

that you do have to make compromises. I know that I grew up with my mom always telling me no one's going to be perfect. Every person that you date or you fall in love with or you consider marrying, they're going to have flaws. And you just have to ask yourself, like, are these flaws that I can live with and that, in a way, makes me love them more? Yeah. And I know that. And I'm excited about that. And I'm okay with, you know, both of us making those compromises for each other. I just need the other person to acknowledge that as well and to understand that as well. Yeah. I love what you said, like, finding someone that's perfect for you because I think that's like,

you don't need the perfect person. You need like the person that's perfect for you. Yeah. Like, I think that's such a good outlook to have. Have you been on any dates or? I have not. I, I, okay. If you have anyone for me.

I will talk after this. But, okay, wait, I'm like dying to know. Has anyone like insane sledding? to your DMs? Honestly, I like joke about it, but with my friends, but no. Like, no one that I, like, threw my phone across the room, freaked out about. No. And sometimes I worry about that, because I'm like, I've been so public with my relationship. I had such a public breakup. And I wonder if I'm like either a red flag. or intimidating to guys. I don't know. Like, I just wonder if guys are like, ooh, like, I don't want to get involved with that. You know, I don't know. I don't know. I, and again, like, I shouldn't be thinking like that. But I don't think that's. I don't. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I guess we'll see. But I'm not, like, throwing myself out there. Like, I'm not DMing people or liking things or like whatever. Or putting myself.

out there in any way. I really want it to happen naturally, organically, randomly. I don't know. But again, like, dating apps? Kind of. Okay. I, only, only because I'll say this about dating apps. They kind of intimidate me because I think that a lot of people on there, they're not necessarily looking for a serious relationship. I think they're kind of looking for something fun or a hookup or a fling. Yeah, I feel like it's either like one, like, I have some friends who have like met their lifelong partners. Yeah, same. They've been together. And then another one, our friend, she just, her and her boyfriend just broke up and her boyfriend was on Raya the day after and was changing his location when he was going.

So you just know. Yeah. Exactly. Like you just know they're in it for the fun and the hookup or whatever. And so that's how I'm intimidated because I'm like, how do I know this man is on this app like out, you know, how do I know that he wants this real relationship? or like doesn't want to just like hook up and never see me again because I'm not like that. I'm, I've never really been a hookup kind of girl. Like I really have to just know them like on a deeper level.

Yeah. And have almost like an emotional connection to them. So that's another thing that scares me about dating. Yeah. I really do feel like I'm going to just have to know them like on a deeper level to even like consider a relationship with them. And I just don't know if people's intentions are true when they're on those apps. Like if, you know, of course it's a dating app, but I think that a lot of people aren't using it to find a relationship. So that's the only reason I would say I'm opposed. Like,

I'm not against it. And I think that, again, like you said, a lot of people have found relationships from it and I love that and I'm never going to like I'm not like talking down on anyone who's on dating apps I'm just kind of scared of them yeah yeah teach is out and that's a I don't know what I would do if I was single but my girlfriend who was here this past week and she's been single and she's like guys when you're going to send me up with someone and I'm like go like go on a dating app she's like no I don't want to like she's the same way she's like completely like she's just like I keep asking her why and she's not really giving me an answer but maybe that's the reason And she just doesn't know it.

Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. I'll ask her. I'll grill her more about it. Yeah. I'm just going to like manifest like a nice, like football player for you or like. And that's so funny.

Everyone's always like, oh, she needs to be an athlete. A lot of athletes are cheaters. There's some good ones though. I know. I feel like we know a lot of football guys and I feel like they're all very nice. Okay. I feel like football. I hear football's the best.

I hear baseball is really scary. Don't do baseball. Don't do hockey. I wouldn't do golf either because they try. Oh my God. Even the golfers? I would say tennis. I hear NBA. Okay, tennis. Okay, hi, hi tennis players. I would actually love that. Maybe they could teach me tennis. One of my, like, biggest regrets in life is not learning a lifetime sport. I wish I, I wish I either picked up golf or tennis or something when I was younger. Yeah. Because I would love to just like go, yeah, match a tennis or go to the driving range for a little bit. But. Maybe he can teach me. I'll see. I'll manifest it for you.

I'm also slightly manifesting a little Ariana Maddox moment for you. Like maybe like Dancing with the Stars or something. My gosh. Dancing with Stars, please call me. I would love to do that. I grew up dancing, gymnastics, cheer, all of that. So that would be so fun. But I don't know.

I don't know how that even happens. But what I'm curious, what have been some of the fun, like passions or, or like things that you didn't realize you like to do by yourself or things that make Rachel happy. I'm trying to think. I think I always like known about things that have made me happy, but I didn't really pursue them as much as I should have. Yeah.

And I think like a big thing for me right now, it's taking everything in me to not get a pet and to not get an animal. And so now I'm like, I should put this energy into either like fostering or, you know, doing something with some sort of like humane society. I don't know. We'll get there, you guys, if anyone has any ideas. But, yeah, it's taking me everything. It's taken everything just to not get a fur baby just because I'm, again, so busy. And I feel like when I do have a pet of my own, like, I want to be the best. mom. I can be for that little angel, but I don't think I would be a good pet owner right now because, again, always traveling so busy. You just want to give it my undivided attention. Yeah. So yeah, I would say definitely like anything like animal environment related, I'm like just really passionate about. But again, it's just been put on such a backburn in the last few years. So I think I would love to like pour some energy into that. I'm really big on, like, health and wellness. Yeah. And I love that it's such a big thing right now. Yeah.

To an extent. Sometimes it's a little over the top. Yeah. But, yeah, anything like health and wellness, whether it's, like, mental health or even, like, physical health, but I'm more so, like, I really, really, really love to cook. And I love food. I'm obsessed. I love going out to eat, but I also love to cook. And so I'm really trying to get back into that. I think that's like for me, my self-care is making sure I'm getting out of the house and forcing myself. For a while there, I was ordering all my groceries right to the house so I didn't have to leave. And I realize I'm like, that's just not good for me. It's good to go out into the store, see everything, get inspired, come home, cook a really fun, healthy meal. And not only is it like, I don't know, like I feel like it's doing something for my brain and it's keeping me busy and it's just something I feel like is good for me in the moment, but then also like having such a healthy meal and then feeling good afterwards.

Like I just think that's a fun form of self-care for me right now. Yeah. But I don't know. Like there's just so many things that I'm interested in, but I've just never like. pursued and I've just put them on the back burner. I even really, really love like TV and film and art and music, but I'm not an actor or a musician or an artist or anything. So I'm like, I wonder in like if there's any way I can like just like pursue something in that area. I'm still like, if you guys can tell, I'm in like the brainstorming era of.

like all of these things that I think would be like fun and good for me. Yeah. My, I will put this out into the universe. Do it. My dream job. Honestly, since probably like middle school, I've always wanted to be a voice actor. I've always like my dream. I'm not kidding.

One of my dreams. I think we all have a lot of dreams. But one of my dreams is to be like a cartoon of. film sort or like get to like yeah be the voice of something animated. I feel like I have a lot of I have obviously my voice. Yeah. But I think that's one thing a lot of people don't know about me is like I have a lot of weird voices and I think that I could do that if I were given the opportunity. I just don't know how the hell I can make that happen. Okay, well we can talk after this because there's definitely a way.

There's a will. There's a way. I know. So I'm like, put out in the universe. Just got to throw everything out there and see what happens. Yeah. No, that's like the most. I mean, obviously, I haven't done it, but Taylor's done a few voice acting things. And he like loves it. Like it's so fun. I see it. I'm like, this is so fun because you're acting, but without having to worry about the physicality of it. Like it's all. And but even if you are being physical with it, of course it helps. Yeah. But it just seems fun that you can pour. your whole self into like this character that's not even real, but you make them come alive. I don't know. I just love it. Yes. It would be so fun. Oh my gosh. Wait, I love that for you. Okay. So random. No, it's so good. We were talking about before, you have a little clothing collab. Yeah. That's coming out if you want to tell our lemon drops about it. Yes. Okay, so lemon drops. I just came out with a little collab with the brand showpo. They're an Australian brand. So this is something I did a few weeks go again, off the rip of the breakup. What can I pour myself into? What can I not only like, I guess you could say technically when I was looking at this, I was like, this is a fun distraction,

but it ended up being so much more than that. At first, it was a fun project. And then along the way, I think it did turn into like a passion project. It was so fun to. It was so fun to, meet the whole team and to see the behind the scenes and again to like make this collab come to life and to turn it into something that like represents me. Yeah. I did say the collection it was for me it was all about like just getting myself back, getting that self-love, that self-confidence back. Yeah.

And a lot of the pieces are so fun. I feel like some of them are like really fun and sexy. And then some could be like more reserved, a little more romantic. Yeah. Some are great for like having your bridal moment. There's like a lot of gorgeous white pieces. I love wearing white in spring and summer, but also love the idea of girls getting to wear that either bridal, shower, bachelor, anything. And then there's like a lot of fun like girls and out pieces that, you know, couldn't care less about the men.

Yeah. But yeah, that launched a few days ago. And that's kind of one of the reasons that I'm in LA for. So yeah, definitely check it out. Hopefully there's something for everyone. That's what the goal was. There definitely is. Like, watching the whole thing.

Like, you guys, I feel like really, like hit the nail on the head. Like, there's like, there is really like everything for like any occasion. And there's like, you know, the more subtle stuff, the whites with them. There's also like the fun prints and the colors. Exactly. We'll leave a link. For it down below. Yeah, check it out, you guys. Hopefully there's something for everyone. Okay, final question I have for you. I'm curious after, after I guess, everything over the past couple months, but even, you know, being in the spotlight and being scrutinized for some time now, like this is something that you've really had to have had to go through and really have gone through a lot.

lot of work on yourself. I feel like in growth. And I'm curious to see, what are you most proud of yourself for? I would say I'm most proud of myself for just not giving up. I think that there's so many times that I've wanted to. And there's times where you're not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. And now I do see that light. Sometimes I walk back in the tunnel a little bit. Sometimes I'm out of But I think that this goes back to what I was saying earlier. You can feel a certain type of way, but you just cannot let those feelings dictate your life and hold you back from like what you're capable of doing. So yeah, I guess I would just say I'm like proud of myself for pushing forward and not giving up when I really want to some days. And I think this is easier said than done, but I really try to give myself grace.

I think I just try to remind everyone that I don't think empathy is ever a bad thing. And I think today, now more than ever, we need a lot of empathy for one another. And I think if we ever want to see the world change and we ever want to see just more positivity and we want to see the positive change that so many of us are needing to see. We need to allow people to change. I think people think that's who they are. They can never change. We hate them and that's it. Yeah. But I think, again, if we want to see the world become the better place that so many of us are dying to see, we need to be more open to having this conversation. Yeah.

And, yeah, just being empathetic to one another and just trying to hear each other out more or explain. I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out myself. Yeah. But, yeah, I think I'm just proud of me allowing myself to. to honestly, like, have that empathy for myself. Yeah. And to understand that I'm not who I was yesterday.

I'm not who I was a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, 10 years ago, we're always evolving. And I think that I've just put in a lot of effort into like bettering myself. And anyone can do that. Like literally, you could do it right now. You could do it tomorrow anytime. Yeah. Well, I am proud of you. And I feel like you just carry yourself so well.

And you being so open and honest is definitely like going to help people because I think a lot of women see themselves in you. And, you know, sometimes don't really know how to go about things or where to go. And I think you are a great role model for people to, you know, try to emulate post-breakup in life, whatever it may be going through a hard relationship, whatever it is. but I'm proud of you and I'm proud to know you. And I'm so thankful. I'm so happy to know you and thank you for allowing me to come on here. Oh my gosh. I'm very honored.

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