The Squeeze - Sienna Mae Gomez: Reclaiming My Voice

Episode Date: August 6, 2025

TW: SuicideThis week, Tay is back for a girl-talk chat with social media star and entrepreneur Sienna Mae Gomez! Sienna opens up about the early days of facing online cancellation and overwhelming internet backlash, the lowest point she reached, and the hospitalization that followed a failed suicide attempt. She shares what it’s been like to rebuild her identity outside of the internet’s narrative, what inspired her to finally share her story, and how she’s made peace with the fact that not everyone will understand her truth. Sienna also talks about the boundaries she now sets with social media, what healing looks like for her today, and the tools that have supported her along the way. She finishes off by answering the Lemon 7 and sharing what she’s most proud of herself for.Be sure to follow Sienna on https://instagram.com/siennamaegomez/!To email us your questions or share your story, you can reach out to [e-mail] sure to rate, review, and follow the podcast so you don't miss an episode! Plus, follow us on all of our socials:The SqueezeInstagram: https://instagram.com/thesqueeze/TikTok: https://tiktok.com/@thesqueezepodcastTay LautnerInstagram: https://instagram.com/taylautner/TikTok: https://tiktok.com/@mrstaylautnerAmazon Storefront https://urlgeni.us/amazon/FDXj7Taylor LautnerInstagram: https://instagram.com/taylorlautner/TikTok: https://tiktok.com/@taylorlautnerTo learn more from The Lemons Foundation, follow https://instagram.com/lemonsbytay/ and visit lemonsbytay.comEpisode Sponsors:Maximize your look with minimal effort. Go to thrivecausemetics.com/THESQUEEZE for an exclusive offer of 20% off your first order.Visit LiveConscious.com and start your journey to natural beauty. Use code SQUEEZE for 15% off.Level up your bedding with Quince — you’ll feel the difference right away. Go to Quince.com/SQUEEZE for free shipping on your order and three hundred and sixty-five-day returns.Learn more and join using our link. The first 1,000 get a $100 credit toward their membership. Visit www.functionhealth.com/THESQUEEZE or use gift code THESQUEEZE100 at sign-up to own your health.Get control of your overall finances with Monarch Money. Use code SQUEEZE at monarchmoney.com in your browser for half off your first year.Go to cokeurl.com/simplyPOP to find out where you can try Simply Pop!Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Sonderger Go to your Reisadviseur Orsonicars. The following podcast is a dear media production This is kind of the first time that we're really going to dive into some stuff.

I felt like I had such a bright future. How is there even going to be a day after this? That was like, that was really bad. Yeah. What did those first, like, few days and weeks look like for you? Numb. Really hard. Literally went from a normal high schooler to then, like, people knowing who I was and, like,

Hollywood Fix is freaking chasing me. Like, such a switch. Losing. hundreds of thousands of followers people being like go kill yourself like yeah what was like the lowest point for you um there was a night that um i don't really think i've ever even even talked about this online but i attempted to and they took me to this like um i just felt bad for my family because i feel like they were trying so hard to keep me there. I really think that it's just my time to go.

Sienna-May, welcome to the squeeze. Thank you for having me. We've been literally talking for like 20 minutes. I'm excited to be here. I'm so excited to have you. Me too. I like love following you on social media. I feel like you are such a light and your content is always so, like, fun and

uplifting. And I know whenever I'm watching your stuff, I'm going to get, like, inspired or feel happy. Am I going to cry? five seconds. I'm literally getting, I'm literally tearing up. It's okay, I'm but to start my period today. So just like, act normal. It's all fine. Oh my God. That's really sweet. Thank you. Oh, my gosh. I appreciate that. I know I'm not the only one. I can speak for a lot of us girlies that feel that way. But I'm excited to have you on because this is kind of the first time that we're really going to like dive into some stuff.

Yeah. So I'm honored that you wanted to do that here with me. But we do start each episode off with this jar. It's a game called Citrus Got Real. Okay. If you want to pull a little question friend out of there. One of these? Yes. Okay. And let us know what she says.

Oh, this is easy. If you could only wear one color for the rest of your life, what would it be? White, easy. Just white. Yeah. Or maybe like, does denim count as a color? I'll allow it. Okay.

I say white or denim. Oh, yeah. I kind of agree with the denim thing. Because think about like pants. Yeah. You know, pink pants all the time. That'd be kind of rough. Yeah.

What about you? Well, I guess it's not your question, but. No, I will answer. No, I think I might have to, I mean, or black. But I feel like summer I don't want to wear. I also don't really like how I look in black. So I think white for me is a little bit better. Oh.

I think this is the dark skin, the white features a little bit better. Yeah. Because it's like pop a little bit. Yeah. but black is a good one too. Yeah. Black, white, or denim? That's not really an answer, but we'll be above. Okay. My final answer is white. Okay. I might go, I honestly might go with the denim one. Oh, wow. I think I'm going to go with denim. Let's do my answer. It was, yeah, I know.

I had to. It was a good answer. I had to take it. Um, okay, so I'm excited to dive into this with you today because you are no stranger to online bullying, harassment. It's cancel culture. All of that stuff. All of it. But your story is so much more than that, because I really feel like it's a story of healing, growth, and faith. And I'm just, like, really excited to hear your story. I feel like I'm, I am chronically online, but I'm not involved chronically online. So I don't know much of your story of as it was going on.

I literally went from a normal high schooler doing dance five hours a day. and attending high school to then like going to L.A. parties and people knowing who I was and like Hollywood Fix is freaking chasing me. Like random, like such a switch that I don't really think anybody in that era of like 2020 TikTok that kind of blew up then really knew what was going on because it was like also crazy. But yeah, that was a weird time. I can't imagine. Being a kid during that time too, like that was so weird.

Yeah. Because I was 16, but I felt 25. Yeah. I think that's what people forget about people that are on the internet. Like, a lot of times, like, these people are young. Totally. And they don't know what's going on. Totally.

I still don't know what's going on and I'm 28. Like, yeah. Oh, and Lord knows I wasn't my best self at 16. Like, I was a brat. Like, I was like, come on, we shut up. Like, every 16 year old, every teenager is just trying to go through. through freaking puberty and trying to figure out who they are. So to also then kind of feel the weight of the internet fall into my lap in a loving way

was like, wow, I really am amazing. Yeah. And then have it all go away was like, wow, I really am nothing. Yeah. You know. How long did the numbness last for you? I feel like, you know, I was really blessed to find really good friends during this. time because I think that although I had like I said the rejection of the internet and a really

extreme redirection where I took my life completely offline my life in person became extremely like extremely I just keep thinking the word abundant like I got amazing friends I found an amazing church community. I had people that were like praying for me, had their hands on me. And so even though I was like numb when I came back to what was happening off online, when I put my phone down and like I didn't look at what these random kids in like Ohio are saying about me, I was like, it felt the love around me. Yeah. And I really feel like these people that came to my life were like real life angels like around me just like loving me holding me keeping me protecting me um so i think the numbness kind of i think there was like almost a grief like when you lose someone and you

remember that you lost someone yeah that kind of would hit me here and there like maybe a couple times a day of like dang what am i going to do my career these people that i loved i'm never going to be able to create again because that was also one of like the main things that I was so sad about. It wasn't even about people's perceptions. It was that I wasn't making videos because I love making videos. I love like creating stuff. I love editing stuff. I'm always getting like creative concepts and I think that stopping that was one of the harder things because I was like dang I don't have any way to, like, make something that I love to do. So the numbness was there when it, when it, like, seeped in.

Yeah. But for the most part, I was okay because I was, like, in Hawaii. And, like, I was, like, in the ocean. And I was surfing and I was, like, learning how to snorkel. And I was, like, with my people. And I was cooking and working out. And so I was, like, I was okay. But I think it just would hit me here and there.

And I'd be like, I really don't know what I'm going to do, but I guess I'll figure it out. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I feel like there's so much wisdom behind, like, the putting the phone down. I mean, obviously in your scenario, you needed to put the phone down because you were being attacked online. But even, like, this past month, like, I've been away.

I've been living summer. And, like, I've barely been on my phone. Yeah. And I don't have any negativity coming through my social media. but still being removed from it. Like we forget that we need that. Like we need to, you know, everyone says touch grass. Like we actually need to do that.

And we need to go outside and do those things and have that connection with people. Because it's so, it's so important. Truly. And I'm grateful too because a lot of people that I was around are older than me. And so a lot of them were like 22, 23, 24 who have now become my family. Yeah. when I was like 17, 16, 17, 18, you know, all the years after. So I feel like I got a lot of their wisdom and a lot of their experiences.

Because they've all also been through just like a different era of life than me. So I was kind of poured into in that era of my life that I needed people to be pouring into me. And luckily I got that. So, yeah, I think we really do forget how much better life is when we're actually living it. Yeah. Versus just like taking pictures of everything and living it to live on socials, you know? It's so true. Summer is all about looking and feeling your best without piling it on.

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That's C-O-K-E-U-R-L.com slash S-I-M-P-L-P-L-P-O-P. You guys are going to check out SimplyPop. It's going to be your new favorite. I do know that throughout that journey for you, you shared with me a little bit about how there definitely was some very low points. you throughout that. What was like the lowest point for you? Well, I think I tried it. I'd like to remember it sometimes better than it was. So like obviously I had an amazing community. I had a church family. I had people around me. But it was not an easy time. And there were some really

bad low points. And I don't really think I've ever even talked about this online. But there was a night that I attempted to commit suicide and they took me to this like um this like hospital for like it was like troubled not troubled teens because all the girls in there were just hurt yeah but um that was like that was really bad yeah because that was like I just felt bad for my family because I feel like they were trying so hard to keep me there. And I think everybody in my family and my friends like went through it with me, which I didn't feel alone in that, but I didn't take away from the moments that I did feel alone. And I was like, I really think that it's just my time to go. And also it doesn't help when like everybody's telling you to do that too.

I think that was that takes the place of number one low yeah um but luckily you know I spent like 72 hours like there and that was the worst 72 hours of my life I was like oh my gosh get me out of here like I need to I feel so grateful for every little thing once getting out of of it wasn't even like a mental hospital, but it was like a, it was like where they watch over these teenage girls that all have like overdose and drug issues or like abuse problems with family members or a lot of them had attempted suicide the same day or the day before. And so being around like all these kind of like hurt girls as well. Yeah.

Made me so great. for my life because I was like every all these people are going through too like I'm not the only one that's like dealing with some crap right now and I think that once I got out because I was only in there for like two and a half three days I listened to every beat in music I was like because there was no music there was no actually you know it's so funny I think twilight was the only movie in there of course I'm not kidding. I think it was like the only age appropriate movie we were allowed to watch on the like old ass TV. Oh my gosh. That's funny. That's so good. But there was like no music. We couldn't even go outside. There was like 30 minutes of outside time. Yeah. And it was just sad. Like it just felt cold

that once my dad like, my dad actually stayed outside the entire 72 hours because he was so worried. And I actually got taken by the government, like without their permission. Because once you admit to a hospital that, because I was underage, once my parents admitted and said to the hospital that they thought I was a liability that I was going to commit suicide, they didn't have control over me anymore. So they were like, we will watch her, we will watch her, don't take her there. Like that's not a good place for her to go right now with a ton of other teenage girls who also know, you probably know who she is.

And, but it was, their say didn't matter because they had already admitted to the hospital that they thought I was going to commit suicide and that I had attempted. And so my dad waited outside the entire time. And there was like this super old phone that you could dial like a number on. Yeah. With like the spirally cord. And I would like call him and oh my God, I could just tell he was crying. And I never hear my dad cry.

And he was like, don't worry, baby. I'm right outside. Like, you're okay. And yeah, that was really tough. But once I got out, I was just like so grateful to hold my dad's hand, to listen to music, to see grass, to touch my animals. It made me like so grateful for every little thing that actually makes life so, like, simple and beautiful. Yeah. To call my friends, to text my friends.

and just be like, I love you guys. You know, it almost brought me to a lower low that I appreciated the low I was at. Yeah. If that makes sense. I don't know. It was a really, really weird, like, fever dream experience. Yeah.

Because I got, like, completely stripped from my parents, taken away. And they were, like, treating me, like, it was just so weird. They were almost like mental health. was like a like a like a weird crime almost it was just such an interesting thing it wasn't like are you okay we need to help you it was like almost being punished for wanting to commit suicide when that's obviously like a much deeper issue yeah yeah for sure yeah thank you for sharing that yeah hopefully that wasn't too much i'm sorry i've got some lore behind my behind my past i think it's so important because obviously look I am I'm the same as you I am so like I'm so optimistic and I'm always

like it was hard but I know I had these people I had this and so I feel like after that was when you kind of I don't want to say like the upwardness of healing but do you feel like after that like you really like did start to actually heal totally what what was it like for you to find your identity as who you were outside of what the internet was saying? I think it was actually pretty easy to find my identity when I didn't have the noise. Yeah. Like I didn't know what people were saying about, which now I think it's actually hilarious because there were people who were like, there were like actual news articles that were

like, she, this is heavy, she committed suicide. She's no longer with us. And I was like, how can a news article write something like that with no proof? Yeah. Like there were people were literally convinced because I had gone off social media for months that I was dead and that I was like off the grid somewhere. Like, which is so weird. So I didn't even have that kind of noise in the back of my head because I was just like

busy living like a 17 year old girl does. Yeah. 18 year old girl, I think at that point. And this is really when I started to develop a strong faith And I think Rooting my identity not really in myself But in Christ and learning about His life and hearing so much from my community

About other people's issues I know I'm sure that's something that you hear all the time It's like when you hear other people's issues It kind of makes you feel better about your own Because you're like, wow there are so many people who have gone through so many things every single person listening you and i have all gone through our own experiences and hardships and losses and grief and hardness that i almost became grateful for what i was going through because it was online

but it wasn't in real life like i've till this day i've never had anybody like fight me or like ever even say anything to me or like I hate you if anything it's like a mean look but they could just be having a bad day yeah it doesn't have to be at me they might not know who I am yeah um so I was honestly really grateful that my whole debacle my whole whatever cancel culture thing was literally just when I picked on my phone and looked at comments yeah And I'm also grateful because like while there were tons of mean people and tons of mean articles and whatever, there were also some people, even like social media people who were like, this is so stupid. What did they ever be talking about? Can we please use logic for a moment?

And so although there was hate, there was also still some love and support even when it was not as loud or not as popular. So I think that I was really grateful to be offline and be able to develop my identity and kind of figure out who I was alone, almost, like in the quiet. Yeah, that's so great. What made you decide to finally share your story? When you do live in confidence in God and you live in a sort of, assurance that what you are doing and saying is the truth and trying to be light, then you win.

Then you don't have anything to prove. And I think I've really tried to live my life in an authentic way to where I'm just trying to become a healthier woman. I'm just trying to be a kinder person. I'm trying to live with grace. and it was almost like, this is too much. And so I think timing for me plays a really important part in my life and everything I do. I think there's timing for everything.

And I think that for myself personally, I believe that God's timing in my life is better than I could believe, is better than I could do. And so I always kind of had this little seed of a thought of like, maybe it would be kind of for me to share my testimony. Not to get vindication necessarily, but to share because I know that this is the classic story of high school drama where the girl feels like she is hated by the whole school. Yeah. You know? And so I had that little seed of a thought. And then that seed just kept growing. And then I would tell my friends about it, like new friends. And they'd be like, this is crazy. Like you have to tell people this. Yeah. And then I would be in church and then the message would be like about sharing your

testimony and how important it is for other people to share your testimony because you can bring people hope. Yeah. And so that little seed kind of like grew over the course of, I don't know, maybe two years. Yeah. And that's also when I got into my long-term relationship that I've been in now for three years where I would tell him everything I was going through too and he would always encourage me like you know maybe not now but I think that would really be important for you to share at some point too so in January of this year 2025 I turned 21 and I feel like I had a lot of things stripped from me at the past couple of years that I was kind of like well this could go either way I could share my story and I can, you know, revoke any progress that I've had the past couple of years

of people being like, hey, we love you again, we forgive you, whatever, thanks for coming back on the internet. And people could just write me off again, which, you know, I've already experienced and it's, I'm okay. Or it could go the other way and people could see my side and people could hear my story and maybe it could bring somebody light and maybe it could bring somebody hope that what they're going through is also going to be okay and I got so many DMs from people so many dims from girls specifically teenage girls who have reached out to me and been like thank you for sharing you're somebody I look up to you're somebody who I love and you know I try to post content now that's like motivational.

Not necessarily motivational in like a cringy way, which is like, I don't know, real vulnerable, talking about real stuff. Because like the internet's so perfect nowadays. It's just boring. So when I see the DMs from girls and I think that I'm very grateful that it kind of swung in the second way, even though I was going to be okay no matter what, that I was able to share my story and it resonate with people and people be like,

wow, you were so young. And like, how did you even, what even happened? How are you okay? Yeah. And like, God's grace, I don't know how. Like, I literally don't know how I'm here. I mean, I do. But yeah.

Yeah. So I'm very grateful for the past like six months. I feel like this last six months since I've shared my testimony, since I've shared my story. And I really just tried to. not take any of the credit for it because like at the end of the day I'm like still a flawed person and like I'm not perfect at all and so for me to be like oh my gosh look at all this growth I've done it's just like it wasn't me like it was it was truly God in my in my story and the community around me and so I think that if I could just share that with somebody and offer some sort of hope that's

just more important than keeping it to myself yeah because we don't realize like how like, you know, obviously the degree of what you went through was massive on the internet. But even just this happens all the time to girls in high school, whether it, you know, whatever it may be. I remember when I was in high school, like there was, I mean, different, but there was like, there was an account that would like post girls nudes or post like stuff like that. And these girls are like, you know, everyone hates them. because some random account got a nude if there's and posted it and had nothing to do with them. But they're still getting canceled at their school.

No one likes that. Like, oh, no, it's not just me. Yeah. Like this happens, that's something I've learned now too, is like, this is a tale as old as time. Yeah. Like, it's truly the story about the high school football player telling everybody that the cheerleader slept with him

and that she's a whore and that everybody should hate her. And then, like, the whole school hates her. Yeah. And no, it happens all the time. It happens to teenage girls so much. Bullying is like, also bullying now has become so normal with cancel culture that if that was happening when you were in high school, like, I can't even imagine what it is now with like TikTok. Yeah. And everything.

Oh, I always say I'm so thankful that. Like that was not a thing when I was. We had Instagram, but like that was, yeah. That was, you know, it. Yeah. So, no, I don't, I don't know how kids do it today. I don't either. Spencer Barbosa on.

Oh my gosh. Really? Wait, she's the best. I really like her. I met her a couple months ago. I love her. You guys give me similar energy. But when she was on, she was on, she was, she said something that was like, sounded so

profound, but also was like so, like, obvious. She was just saying, like, I can't imagine, like, going to someone's post and physically commenting something negative or mean. She's like, that person's clearly not happy. so why am I, like, giving them the time a day? And I was like, period. Like, I've never thought about it that way. Like, I have never thought to comment anything even, like, remotely.

Hey, your cellulite looks weird in this. Like, what? You would never. Yeah. If anything, you're just like, yeah. So when she said that, I was like, clearly this person is dealing with something that is more serious than, you know, my back roll, my cellulite, whatever it is that someone's, like, leaving the negative comment for.

Oh, I totally believe that people's comments are a projection of, of their own life. Yeah. Whenever somebody says something, it's just, that's what I get that all the time when people are like, you are so ugly

or I hate you so much or, you know, more of like the surface level hate that is just like kind of every woman gets when they're online. I honestly just like laugh at it because I'm like,

that must be, that must be like the highlight of your day to go comment hate on women's post. Yeah. That is so weird. Yeah. It's, when you think about it,

I know sometimes when I'm like, you know, in my feels about a comment or something. But like when you actually think about it, it's absurd. And then it takes all the validation that whatever that person was saying away. And it's like, oh, wait, no, actually this is dumb. Why was I giving it the time of day? Yeah, totally. I'm curious, what is your, obviously you still like, you're still posting content. You're still doing the social media thing.

What boundaries have you set with it to make sure your mental health is in a good place? I think that something that I've accepted and I think that something that people when they're doing social media and get to a certain point kind of accept is like there will always be hate and I think

I'm okay with that and also somebody I think my brother actually once told me you should be grateful for the haters because they keep your engagement alive and I was honestly like you know what the haters give me a lot of comments sometimes

I mean, less so now, truly, than when I was really going through the height of it, less so now since I've really shared my story and actually opened up about my testimony. But, I mean, it's still there, of course. I'm still obviously getting the hate. And I think the boundaries that I have to put up is limited screen time. And whenever I feel down, I think something I've really tried to stop doing it. is isolating myself because I will like read a comment or something that will make me sad

or piss me off or whatever it may be and I will let it affect me and not tell anybody what's going on and then treat my boyfriend like crap and snap on him or snap on my mom because I'm upset about what Jimmy 1,2,3 said. But if I'm just able to say to my mom, like, I'm so frustrated because this person said this.

And she's able to be like, yeah, that's really annoying. I'm sorry that that happened. And share it rather than hold it. Yeah. And let it like fester and. Totally. Like build up and spiral into something else or something deeper. I've noticed for myself, I have a really tight-knit family.

I'm very grateful. And I truly do think that I was given. a really tight-knit family because of God's plan for my life. That I have people who continue to be there for me every single day and I'm there for them. And we're all able to talk and be vulnerable and be kind to one another. That when I tell my dad, this comment made me so angry and tell him about it. And he is like, why does that make you upset? or asks me questions or is just there for me and able to let it go a lot easier.

Yeah. So I think that's less so like a boundary, but more so something that I've had to implement. Yeah. To let my brain get rid of it. Yeah. It's like I kind of have to process through talking. Yeah. And talking through what I'm upset about.

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100%. 100%. I am such a relationship person. I grew up with my parents, watching my parents be so in love. My dad is like my favorite person in the world. My mom is my best friend. So for me, I've always wanted a family. I've always wanted to be able to have like a million kids and be a mom.

Like I love that. And so I think once everything happened, obviously I was still so young, 17, I'm like not necessarily thinking about having kids at the moment. But I think I was so scared to even talk to a boy. Yeah. Because I was nervous that they'd add on to the dog pile of hate because I think a lot of people did that. And I actually had one guy who I'd talked to, like, briefly, who, like, made a video and was, like, she's such a bitch and something like that because and then he actually apologized about it afterwards and was like I'm sorry I did that for views like I did that because I knew it would blow up

because you were like such a hot topic and I actually really appreciated him apologizing but I was scared that that was going to happen yeah multiple every single time I'd even talked to a guy so I kind of was hands off yeah for a while and I was just like I'm not interested. I'm not on the market. I'm scared more so than anything. And also I think that part of me kind of felt unlovable. And so I think that scarred me for relationships of where I was almost like, I don't want to get rejected. Because I felt maybe I wasn't the prettier girl. Maybe I wasn't his type. I could do everything. I could give everything. I could film all these videos you want, I could, whatever, but it was, it was just never going to be me, you know? And I think that's

also something that a lot of girls go through is like being the other girl. Yeah. Or the other person. Yeah. Yeah. Or even just, I feel like there's a level of like feeling rejected or feeling not worthy to every, whether, you know, whether a relationship ended on a good note. or not. Like, I just feel like they're, like, looking back on my previous relationships, I feel like they all had some, like, level of, like, of, like, of, like, maybe there wasn't physically another person, but, like, I know that they were looking at other people, like, their mind wasn't there. So, I feel like there's always, like, a level of that. But I always say, like, the biggest thing that attracted me to my husband was that he respected me. And he was the first guy that, like,

actually like I felt like cared about me and actually genuinely on like a deeper level yeah yeah and I feel like finding that is so it's so crazy to like look back on everything before yeah totally I think about that now with Cole we've been together for three years and I can't even imagine a life without him I can't even imagine a life with any guy who I'd even talked to prior because I'm like, oh, like that would have just been not the most uplifting, feminine version of me. Like that would have been me as like the, I don't even know, the man in the relationship. And so, and I don't want to be the man. Like I want to be a mom.

I want to be the woman. I want to be in that role. And so I think also I was just kind of like, I'm going to let some. somebody pursue me if they want. Because I don't want to, I don't want to chase it. I don't want to go after anything that's not meant for me.

I don't want to try and force a relationship if a guy's like debating between me and someone else choose her. Yeah. Like, I don't want it to be a question. And I think I also, too, because I was just going through so much and it all felt so heavy,

I kind of felt like getting, getting into a relationship with anybody would be like a disservice to them because I'm like look at all this baggage I have like you want to deal with this like I almost felt bad yeah because I was like oh you may think I'm pretty but like I've got some shit like but then yeah he Cole made me feel so different because the first time we even hung out he was just like I just want to tell you I love you already like and I don't care what anybody's says about you because I was getting hate at this point. And he was like, I have always liked you.

You've been my celebrity or my internet crush forever. And from the moment he was so sure that I was like, okay, I like this. Yeah. Because I don't have to fight for his attention. Yeah. I don't have to make sure he doesn't know about my baggage. Yeah. He knows.

Yeah. He's okay with it. Yeah. Like he'll carry it for me when it's too heavy for me. Yeah. So I think once, before I met Cole, yes. was like nervous and I was like oh I'm not going to find anybody once I met him it was clear it was clear as day that I was going to be fine yeah because I'm sure you understand once you meet the

right person you're just like yeah yeah it's going to be fine we'll figure it out yeah I feel like like a couple weeks into me and Taylor dating I was like oh okay great so where do I sign like yeah sign me up I'm in this same for I think we both like it just like I feel like there's just something that clicks and also we still laugh about this because I mean we did we we were together for I think we got engaged at four years married at five years oh wow how long have you guys been together oh the end of this year will be eight seven oh my god wait so you got married at 25 yeah yeah yeah wait yeah yeah married at 25 how old amy 28 yeah this will be our third year wedding anniversary Wow.

But. Congrats. Thank you. But I feel like we went through a lot of crap together, like him and his mental health, me working through COVID, then me and my mental health. Totally. And everyone's always like the first year of marriage is the hardest. Like we had like friends of ours tell us that the first year of marriage was like hard for

them. And we're like, when is it going to be hard? Yeah, you're like the first year dating was hard. Yeah. We're like, we're fine. Like we've gone through a lot of stuff. But I feel like it's, I feel like we've had to also just learn like communication. And because we both were going through a lot of stuff, we had no choice but to communicate

that to the other and like learn how to like actually have communication and share when things are going on or when we're not feeling good or whatever it may be. So finding that person is like really, really cool. I'm like excited for all my single friends to like find that in their person. I know. I know. So excited. Yeah.

And I think just once you're in that solid relationship where you don't question the more basic stuff of like, does he like me back? Or, you know, is he going to think I look pretty in this outfit or whatever? And once it starts to actually get deeper where you're like, I feel safe, I feel protected, that's when I think the relationship really started to grow for us was because I, I, I felt safe. I felt protected. And I felt like he didn't even, he never asked me, there's like this hosier lyric in work song.

It's like, he never asked me once about the wrong I did. And like I always, whenever I hear that song, I'm like, wow, he was just like from the beginning on my side there for me. Like hard.

Yeah. You are safe. You're loved. You're protected. And just like affirming. I don't know. Yeah. Me in a way that I was scared, I wouldn't find in a man.

So I was very grateful to find that and then still have that and be like. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy what like being. Timing. Being in a relationship that like you're no longer chasing validation, but like you're already validated before the thought even like comes into your mind. I think that a message that do you have a lot of younger listeners? Yeah, they're kind of all over the place. I think that now that I'm in a healthy relationship.

and one that is actually long-term and meaningful, and we've gone through hard stuff together, but we've also, like, experienced the highest highs together. Once you have, like, the situation ship now, I look back, and I was like, thank God that the timing of that ended when it did, and I have something like this now. And so I feel like for all of the younger girls, I always just try to reiterate that timing,

is important and that things will happen when they're meant to happen. And trying to force it with the wrong person or trying to be somebody else for the wrong person is never going to work. You're never going to be right for them. And that's something now I've realized. It just would have been wrong. It would have been just not the best me. And so, yeah, it's really cool to be in a solid relationship now and even say like three years.

or about. Yeah. It's like, what the heck? Like three years? That's crazy. It's so good. But, you know, hopefully I get a ring soon and next time I see you, I can say I'm a fiancee.

Yeah, I love it. I'll be waiting for that. No, what you literally just said is so true. And I think about it from time to time. Like, I wasn't, I was in a two-year relationship before I met Taylor. And I... That guy's bumming, by the way. I knew.

I knew. I knew that I needed to end the relationship. I knew it. I like so strongly felt like God was like, you got to end this. And I just did not have the balls to do it. And I was like, no, like we're going to make this work. I love his family.

I love his mom. Like his younger brother was like my best friend, all of this stuff. And then he broke up with me. And then I was pissed because I knew it was supposed to happen. But I was mainly so upset because I was like, oh, like I was so like forcing it to be with this person with. because I loved his family. I was like forcing it. And I remember I got my car and I was screaming at God. And I was like, what are you doing? Like I have to start all over now. Like I'm 20.

I guess I was 20 of the time. I'm 20. I just wasted the past two and a half years. Like I've like, I thought this was my person. Like literally everything besides him. Like his family was perfect. Like I loved them. Like I was like, this is what it's supposed to be like, what are you doing? And that's like the first time I ever like really heard God be like just wait until you see it. I have in store for you. Totally. And then two weeks later, I met Taylor. Wow.

So, like, hearing, like, hearing that, like, timing truly is everything. Because if I would have been in it for, like, another month, I would have literally never met Taylor. Like, it's just, like, the timing of it is crazy. So I think we just need to. Sometimes I think that that's, like, the best, even though I've definitely been in the same situation where you're in the car, in your room, or in your pillow, yelling, being like, what is happening?

This is not what I planned. that is what's so amazing because if it was what you planned then it never would have been as beautiful as your life is now. Yeah. And there's this really great meditation that I listen to on Spotify sometimes. And it's called vapor. And it talks about how everything in life is a vapor. And like you said, not to take away from what you're going through, but something can feel so big at the moment. And then you can look back and be like, that was just a vapor.

It was just a little moment in time. And he has this little reference of a kid on a playground and how when someone takes your swing, it feels like the biggest thing ever and you like go tell your mom about it. And you're so frustrated about it because that was your swing. Yeah. But now we're like in our 20s and we don't, that was just a vapor of us being a kid on the playground. But to us in the moment, that was the biggest thing because that was our swing. But now we're just like, you're, you know, you're married. I'm going to get married.

on social media, you have your thing. Like we're all, we're dealing with other issues that are big to us now. Yeah. But maybe when we're 80, we'll look back and be like, wow, that was a vapor. Yeah. Like that, oh, my podcast, that was a vapor. It's so good. I love that.

So I'm sure you have many, or I'm not I'm sure. I know you have many little facets of healing tools for your mental health. What have been some of those, like, biggest things for you? I think. I really like to be sometimes alone when I'm going through something heavy. I think I've always found a lot of solitude and comfort in the beach. Like going since I was young, I've been going to the beach. Just like sitting on the sand, being alone, feeling sand, feeling water.

For me, coming back to a natural place has always really helped me. or when I'm in Hawaii sometimes like going on a hike and just sitting up there alone. Yeah. Just coming back to the root of it all because I think sometimes when we're like looking at our phone it can feel so big. But then when you're just like looking out, you realize how small a little phone screen is. And it can almost put things in perspective at least how I feel. I think for me, like I kind of mentioned earlier, is talking, processing through talking to my friends and my family. I know some people prefer like a therapist or somebody that's like a dedicated kind of dumper, like somebody that they can tell all of their stuff to at a weekly time on a weekly basis.

and I think for me it's been really helpful to have my family around me a lot and to talk to my mom on a daily basis. And if I'm going through something, I'm able to, you know, talk to it with somebody who I know cares about me. And it can be rational when I'm feeling angry or, you know, offer some like, yeah, this may seem bad. But look how blessed you are in this aspect of your life. or remind me of the good things that are happening because sometimes you can drown out all of the good things and just focus on the bad. For sure.

So I think those are kind of little things that help me and honestly a really big one that's a little bit random is water. Like I'll just like go change my physical space. So if I ever get in a really depressed mood or if I'm like sometimes it's not even me reading comments about myself on social media but sometimes like if I'm consuming drama yeah TikTok or drama Instagram or drama anything and I feel

like dirty or sad or like just gross yeah sometimes I'll go like dunk in the ocean or get in the shower like clean like physically clean your body yeah and I found that that actually really helps me to to get out of my space yeah negative space and and just like redo it, re-charge, re-cleans, like, by getting in water and just fully changing my physical space. I love that. It's so important. I feel like we forget how just, like, the environment that we're in can be.

When I'm, like, feeling anxious or stuck, I'll go lay in my backyard on the cement, like, in the sun and I'll literally just lay there for five minutes. And I'm like, oh, okay, I'm, like, alive again. Like, it just, it's crazy what that, what water can do, what a change of, like, scenery can do. It's so important. And another thing I think that's really helped me when I'm going through a hard time other than dunking in water and like changing my mental or my physical state is working out in strength training. I think once you put yourself in a hard physical state, like you're like growing your muscles or you're like doing pushups and it hurts, right?

and you do it. I mean, I'm sure this is real science. Maybe you know, but the dopamine actually hits your brain and makes you feel better. Yeah. And I wasn't very big into working out before. Because I kind of,

I don't know if you've followed me for a long time, but I kind of was a part of like the whole body positive movement when it first started. Yeah. And I was preaching like being positive in your body regardless. And now I still think that's important and it's important to have grace for your body

in every season of your life because as women specifically, we're always changing. Every single, like every week we're changing. But now I believe that body positivity is like having, loving yourself no matter what,

but having discipline to understand when it's time to be better or when it's time to change. And I think that when I started strength training, when I started working out, when I started going on walks consistently, when I got into surfing, I felt so much happier because I felt stronger.

And I felt proud of myself for doing something hard. And I think that's been a really big tool for me to actually feel like a physical win. Because it gives you a mental win too. Yeah. No, it's so important. Like, I feel like we're finally starting to move past this whole like working out just to like see a difference. Totally. My husband is the biggest like advocate for me,

getting up and moving because I will just sit on my laptop for 12 hours and not do anything. It's like, no, go take a walk. Totally. And I'm like, no, I don't like want to go walk or go take a yoga class. And I do it. I'm like, oh my gosh, thank God I did. The world is clear again. Yeah, like I can see.

Like everything's fine. Like it is so important. Like just the switch off that it gives your brain. Uh-huh. And I even think like to what you were saying, like I think, I think, you know, that and body positivity are different but also like the same. Like I think it's important for us. Like, obviously we love.

you know, love our bodies, appreciate what it is. But also, we got to take care of it. That doesn't mean, you know, eating junk food, sitting on the couch all day. Like, we actually need to, like, love our bodies. Yeah. No matter what it looks like, but we need to make sure we're loving our bodies and, like, you know, being kind to it. I think that's exactly it is, is it's not about how you look, but it's about how you're actually feeling. Yeah. And when you are sitting in, like, gluttony all day, you're eating chips on the couch or you're watching TV the whole time. Like, yeah, that can be healing to an extent if you're doing it for like a couple hours. But if that's like a couple days, then it's not helpful.

It's actually making you feel worse. And it's making your brain think that you can't do hard things. Oh, I can't get up. I can't go walk. Yeah. It like creates a barrier in your mind almost. Yeah. And so I think when I was and when I am going through any sort of challenge or battle,

I will try to get a workout done in. So it gives me almost like the confidence to be like, okay, well, if I do this really, hard strength training class or if I do a yoga class or a Pilates class or I go on a run and I run two miles because I hate running. Same. Then I can deal with this nasty customer service email from Sienna Swim. I'm like, you know what I mean? I can deal with from whatever the day has to offer because I've set aside time to take care of myself first and show myself that I can do something hard. Yeah.

So that's also a huge thing that I try to implement. it every single day. And if it's not every single day, then it's like at least every single week. Yeah. You know, kind of depends. Like if I'm on my period,

I'm just like, I'm going to give myself some grace and some time because like, it's just not going to happen today. No, my favorite is I'll like, or do an Instagram order when I'm on my period. And like my husband will be, I'm taking it out of the back.

So he's like, are you about to share your period? I'm like, oh, do you know? There's like all the ice cream and the cookies. No, that's me. That was me yesterday.

actually I was at the store and I grabbed a ton of sushi and then we're like going to check out and Cole's like you want to grab some chocolate and I was like excuse you and I was like wait no I do want to grab some chocolate good let me go let me go back to the that's good to the chocolate section because I totally forgot my chocolate yeah yeah which you needed um I agree I'm curious what this is a big question but or maybe you know the answer but what are you most proud of yourself for it just starts crying literally just starts crying I feel like it's important though because I feel like we don't take the time to you know appreciate things that you know we talk about how proud of others but not you know

how proud of ourselves we are with what we've gone through so that's why I'd love to know what what yours would be I think that a lot of people would have kind of would have kind of turn to other things by going through something as dark as I have. Yeah. And I'm really proud of myself for never doing drugs or like never turning to drinking or never turning to any sort of like coping mechanism and having resilience enough to trust in God. I think my, I think my faith is what I'm most proud of because it's the only thing

that's brought me through. Yeah. And having an open mind and an open heart, even after being mistreated by the internet pretty brutally, yeah. I think I'm still, I think I still really do try to see the best in people. And I think there is evil out there,

and I've seen it, and it's gnarly. And it would be, it would be not true. truthful of me to say that it's not and that, you know, the L.A. life or the people that I've met or some of the people that I've, you know, used to be friends with that I'm now no longer friends with are trying to speak about this with as much grace as I can. I think I'm very proud of myself for not allowing seeing darkness to make me dark. or being treated, mistreated by kind of the internet and so many people to make me mean. Because I think a lot of times it can make you turn to coping in a different way.

Yeah. Or being mean back or being bitter. Yeah. And I truly think I would be bitter if I didn't find God when I did, if I didn't have the people around me who shared stories with me. about Jesus and the Bible, and that is truly how I just try to live my life. And when people say Christ-like, they think it's kind of just like a saying,

but it's actually referring to, like, the Bible and all these stories about how he actually lived. And there are so many stories about people being so bitter and, like, literally killing him and him still saying forgive them, for they don't know what they're doing. And I'm, I'm in no way like Christ.

I'm so flawed and I make so many mistakes every day and I'm still just trying to learn and be a better person. But I am proud of my faith. I'm proud of my resilience. Yeah. And for not becoming bitter and dark. Yeah. I think the path I was on before I got this redirection would have made me like that.

I think I was around people and in environments that felt dirty and dark. And I actually saw a comment one time that made me cry. And there was this girl who was like, God literally said, you can't have this one. She's mine. And I truly do feel like that. I feel like I was kind of ripped from the scene because I was like picked apart. Yeah. You know?

And I'm very grateful for that. So, yeah, I'm proud of myself for that. I've gone through a lot. But at 21, the best is yet to come. The best is yet to come. I love that. Okay, lemon seven, rapid fire. Hit me.

Number one is what movie our song titled Best Describes Your Mental Health Today? Life is Good by Forrest Frank, period. Number two, how open are you with people in life when you're struggling? Is it 1 through 10? Sure. Very. Let's just say very. You're like 10 the max. Good, open. If you can only follow three people on social media.

Or if you could only follow three social media accounts, what would they be? Sienna Swim. Sienna Swim and Sianna Swim. Number four is what is your favorite form of self-care? Oh, going through the car wash. I love going through the car wash. It's so great to go through the car wash. Literally, that was the last thing I would have thought you. When you have a clean space. Yeah. And you like, so we go to the beach a lot.

I'm trying to rapid five this. You go to the beach a lot. You have to vacuum. You get all the sand off. The windows are clean. You can sit in your car. You drive for an hour. You're too.

It's clean around you. You're good. Self care. Okay. Yeah. I understand that. Number five is what is the most misunderstood thing about you? Oh, my age, for sure.

People think I'm so much older than I am. I thought you were a lot older. Every time I meet someone, they're like, you're 21. I thought you were literally 25. That's the best. That's probably, or my height. People are always like, oh my gosh, you're so short. Yeah.

Because the girl I shoot with all the time, she's so good at making me seem taller. And so that's another thing. But I'd say mainly my age. Okay. Number six is who has had the most positive impact on your mental health? God. Number seven is if you can go back to one moment in your life, what moment would that be? And what would you say to yourself?

The ride back from the, the ride back after my suicide attempt with my dad and tell myself that not only is it going to be okay, but it's going to be better. Love that. Yeah. Well, I'm proud of you because I feel the exact same way. I'm so honored that you felt safe enough to come sit and chat. Of course. Share with me. This has been fun. And I'm excited to see you again with a ring on your finger. I'm also excited for that. It's looking a little lonely today. So we're going to have to. It needs a little bling on it. Make a change. Yeah, it needs a little four-carat diamond from ring concierge. Yeah, some sort of ring brand would be great. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.