The Squeeze - Solomon Thomas: Hercules is Human Too

Episode Date: August 16, 2023

TW: suicide  Drafted third overall in 2017, Solomon Thomas knows what it’s like to have a target on his back. His true battles, however, have never been on the field but in trying to dismantle archaic stigmas around mental health while working through the grief of his sister’s suicide. He talks about growing up with his older sister Ella, how close he was to his family, and when they first noticed Ella was struggling. He stresses the importance of checking in on your strong friends and discusses his journey with his own mental health. He explains how therapy has allowed him to put into words feelings that he didn’t even have the language for as he navigates his journey with grief. The three discuss what mental health looks like in the world of the NFL and the positive changes Solomon has seen since his rookie year. He explains why whole health is important to him as an athlete, and discusses his non-profit, The Defensive Line, on a mission to end the epidemic of youth suicide, especially for people of color.  Be sure to keep up with Solomon @sollythomas90 and check out The Defensive Line  If you or someone you love is struggling with suicidal thoughts, we beg you to seek support.   Call: Lifeline 1800 273 8255 (USA Only)  Text: CNQR to 741 741 Crisis Text Line (USA Only)  Visit: www.suicide.org (International Phone Numbers)  You can also find resources, including BetterHelp, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, National Suicide Prevention Hotline, and more at www.lemonsbytay.com/resources  Thanks to our sponsors for supporting this episode:  Blissy — Get better sleep now with Blissy and use code THESQUEEZE to get an additional 30% off at blissy.com/THESQUEEZE  Mosh — Head to moshlife.com/THESQUEEZE to save 20% off plus FREE shipping on your first 6-count Trial Pack  To email us your questions or share your story, you can reach out to [e-mail]. Be sure to rate, review, and follow the podcast so you don't miss an episode! Plus, follow us on Instagram, @thesqueeze and personally @taylautner and @taylorlautner.   To learn more from The Lemons Foundation, follow @lemonsbytay on Instagram and visit lemonsbytay.com  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Auto-hure with Sunny Cars feels as if the children not be made-saint. Giseldraud. It is forcare, verdwine, vacancy can chaotic be chaotic.

But who zorgloos an auto-hurt says, One dos, no stress. No, no-vervachted costs, always full-ledgird. So,

would auto-hue without your rice-adviseur or Sunnycars. Go to your If I work hard through this, I'll be able to get to my sister's death and, you know,

maybe I just like, you know, And that would work out. That didn't. All I ended up doing was pushing down emotions, pushing down my feelings, not being aware of how I was feeling, not getting help. Yeah. And just trying to live a life that wasn't real. When life gives you lemons, what do you do with them?

Over here at the squeeze, we talk about it. Man, I am excited to be here today. Let me tell you. Wow. Yep. Amen to that, sister. You know why? Why?

Because it's time to squeeze. Oh, wow. Yeah. Wow. And this is just exciting that we get to do this. Yeah. I cannot agree more of that. It's a very special privilege.

Yeah. And, yeah, I'm just so honored and so excited about today's episode and so thankful for everybody watching and listening right now. Yeah, I cannot agree more with that. How's your day going? It's going. I didn't buy that. I said, how is your day going? You said, it's going.

It's going. Is it going well? It is going well. It is things. It's just, it's a day. Okay. It's been a busy day, but it's all good things. Okay.

That's some laundry going, then I am just remembering I need to change over into the dryer. Just some typical house stuff. Just life stuff. Yeah, just life, house stuff, but. That's fair. We're going. Yeah. We're great.

Well, at this moment, we're filming an episode of The Squeeze podcast. We are. So, let's freaking do this. Hi, everyone. Hi. I don't think we said hi. Hi. Thanks for being here.

We appreciate you. And we are very excited about today's episode. You guys are in for a treat. How many times are you going to say that? Oh, you just said treat in her head popped up. Baby. That wasn't for you. That was for the listeners.

Remy's on our floor. No treats for you. I personally am a big fan of our guest today. Yes. If you don't know this about me, I am a die, die, die hard football fan. Yes. And our guest today, Solomon Thomas. I remember when he was drafted third overall to the San Francisco 49ers in the 2018.

draft. I believe so. 17? I don't know. I don't have the notes right in front of me, but somewhere right around there. He was drafted third overall. That is a massive, you know, talent. Yeah, accomplishment, achievement. And I'm just remembering this as I'm talking about it, but like... 2017. 17. Yeah.

I was able to relate a lot of things to Solomon during our chat. Because him entering the NFL being the number three overall pick, there is such a massive target on your back and such high expectations and pressure put on you that it is darn near impossible to hit. And sometimes it just, sometimes those things take time. Yeah. And it's just tough. So I just respect him.

He has kept with it and he's absolutely crushing it right now. So proud of him. But what's more impressive than that guy on the football field is who he is off the football field. Yeah. So a little context for E lemon drops. before we dive into the episode. Solomon has a nonprofit called the defensive line, which my nonprofit in Operation Happy Nurse,

we do our Operation Lemonade Gala. We just had our second one a few weeks ago. Our one last year, we actually honored the defensive line for their work that they're doing in the mental health field and got to have Solomon's dad out. Solomon was already in training camp so he couldn't come. So his dad, Chris, was there.

and just such a lovely human, such a lovely family that we've gotten to know. And we were so excited when we heard that Solomon was going to be out here. And the timing just worked out perfectly. So super excited to have them on. But they've been in our lives for like about a year. We've just been following their journey of everything that they're doing with their nonprofit. And they're just a really awesome family. And Solomon is a really awesome dude.

Yes. Yeah, so I'm very excited for this episode. I think you guys are really going to like it. If after this episode or during whenever, if you feel like you need some basic context into suicide, into suicidal ideation, refer back our last solo episode, Taylor and Tay, Taylor's version, I think that's what we titled it. It was Taylor's version, our last solo one.

At the end of the episode, we have Dr. Chase Anderson on, and we kind of go through the basics of what suicide is, what suicidal ideation is. And it was very helpful for us. I still have referred back to it because it's, he just explained things so easily. And this episode is about suicide. So if you feel like you need a little bit extra context into that or help understanding it a little bit more, refer back to that. Yeah, a really powerful episode.

And, yeah, I'm excited for you guys to. to listen and just thank Solomon and his family for. Yeah, you guys are going to love him. He's awesome. Oh, the best. Okay. You guys enjoy. We'll see on the other side. Solomon Thomas. Thank you for being here today. I am a massive football fan, so I'm geeking out a little bit. So just truly honored that you are joining us today. Well, thank you, Taylor. Thank you so much for having me.

It's an honor to be here and have this conversation. But, yeah, I'm big fans of y'alls and all the work you do and the people you are. So thank you for having me. That means a lot. Okay. So to break the ice, we start each episode with our Citrus Got Real segment. Inside of this beautiful lemon jar, we have very intense questions. So if you could, could you pull a question out of that jar?

read it for us. I hope that it's juicy. This says, what is the most boring sport? Hmm. Uh-oh. Okay. See, so my answer normally would have been golf.

But recently, there has been a big golf kick in a world. Yeah. I've enjoyed it. And at the place I'm training, at Proactive, We have a simulator. And when I'm born, I just hit it. it.

Oh. I would have to say baseball. Okay. Yeah. And I'm sorry to all my baseball friends and people out there, but it's a great sport to go to in person. But when I watch on TV, I kind of get distracted and it's kind of hard to lock in. But it's a great sport. I love the sport, but I'd choose baseball.

Yeah. I get that. You got anything? I mean, yeah, we probably have to be between those two. Yeah. Or what's like a weird sport? Well, I would say, but I oddly am fascinated by this sport is curling. Oh.

Is that wait? Yeah, where they push the thing on ice and then they're like brushing and trying to make it come in to like the target. That doesn't sound boring at all. Oh, okay. It's an Olympic sport, right? Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

Yeah. I find it fascinating. A lot of people do find it, you know, like a joke. but I think it's a beautiful sport. Beautiful. I love it. Yeah. You're going to second baseball?

I was thinking which one I would like to nap too more. Like we always have sports on. So I'm like which one could I take a better nap to? Golf. Yeah, that would probably be peaceful the way everybody like talks. They're just talking like this. So peaceful. It's on the green.

All right. He's teeing off here. It is very calming. Are you any good? No. Okay. No, I've barely taken lessons. Yeah.

I've tried. I just don't have, I don't get myself with time to really invest in it to it right now. But I want to at some point because it's fun to get out there with the guys and, you know, just kind of be out there and chat. Yeah. Yeah. That's us. I'm trying to get better. I love it, but I'm absolutely horrible.

Yeah. You could be a some less. A lot of my friends are like freaking incredible. Yeah. That's tough. Yeah. It is tough. So something, as you guys know, that has been a huge part of my mental health journey,

Taylor's mental health journey journeys as individuals, and as a couple, has been therapy. Amen. And that is why I am so excited to share our next sponsor with you guys, which is cerebral. Cerebral is here to help you achieve your mental wellness goals with professional therapy and medication management support 100% online. You'll experience the all new cerebral way, an innovative approach to mental wellness designed around you. You'll get a personalized treatment plan from a therapist, prescriber, or both in a safe and judgment-free space. I love that cerebral is 100% online because that means you have no excuse. You have to go.

Like there's no, oh, I had on time to go drive. It's too long of a drive. No, you can do it on your lunch break. You can do it before work, after work. and it's honestly just It's convenient. Yeah. It's convenient and they have great therapists.

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As we can talk to up before, I'm very excited about this episode to have you here in person. Because for those of you listening, my nonprofit and another nonprofit, last year we had our first gala, our Operation Lemonade gala, and there we honored some nonprofits that are doing great work or not just nonprofits, nonprofits, and people just doing great things in the mental health world. And we got to honor the defensive line, which is Solomon's nonprofit, which we are going to get into. But we were talking about how much I loved your dad earlier. and he just did such a beautiful job of, you know, just kind of explaining your family's story and about your sister and how you guys have just been able to turn such heartbreak into such power and such motivation to help people. And you guys have really done that. But yeah, so we're just, I'm excited to talk with you and hear the story from you now.

But can you share a little bit about the beginning? Let's just start from early childhood. What was growing up like for you and for your sister? So growing up for us was unique because we kind of moved around a little bit. You know, my dad, he was working for Procter & Game about the time. And he was international international sales managers. So we kind of jumped around from places. So we were both born in Chicago, Naperville, down as girl area.

Naperville. Yeah. Wow. I used to train for karate in Naperville. Oh, no way. I was like, the heck. We're connected. Right. And my dad also went to college somewhere around Naperville.

Oh, wow. Anyways, carry on. That's crazy. But yeah, so like from there, we moved to Australia. So, you know, extremely unique experience, you know, going to a different country and, you know, being raised around like a whole different kind of way of life. You know, it's growing up by the beach. You know, I thought that was really, really cool that we got to do that. And then we moved to Connecticut, moved back to the stage, which was a transition for us because we kind of kind of finally finally finally.

got our feet wet, we're in a different place. And then it was like, you know, back to a different norm. And then from there, we moved to Texas was even a bigger transition. And that's where we kind of even just kind of grew up and kind of were raised there. But yeah, so that was like kind of our like moving around part. But it was, it was, I say it was unique because really Ella was always kind of my person. Because whether we moved, wherever we moved, like we had to make new friends, meet new people. But the one constant, consistent thing was her and my parents.

So it's kind of why my family and I, we've, always been so close, just moving around, being different places, you know, adjusting to new norms, new lifestyles, new countries, new states. So I really believe that's why, like, we've kind of grown up like kind of family first, like, where you've been each other safe, safe place, safe person. So, but yeah, it was just, I love, I'm very grateful and thankful for the way my parents raised us, always raising us to be perceptive, you know, to, you know, to give back, you know, to love others, but also just, you know, find a way to, like, really enjoy this life and get everything out of it that we can. So, you know, my dad always taught me like to be the best

and whatever I do, whether, you know, it's in school with my friends being a brother to my sister. Whatever, my mom always taught me to like have an open heart and to like, you know, always understand that people are going through something that you never know about and to be perceptive. And, you know, I think that was like really huge for L and I. And I think that helped growing up in different places, being able to see new ways of life and how people lived. Like, it didn't always have to be one way. Like we weren't in the same place our whole life. So we understood that, hey, people could be different and we could accept them for that and love them for that. And I think that was why Ella and I were able to connect with so many people no matter where we lived and no matter where we grew up.

And yeah, so it was a very, you know, I'm thankful for our childhood and how we were raised and places we got to live and the people we got to meet. So it was very, very fun and interesting for sure. What was the difference in age between you and Ella? So she was two years older. Okay. But in school, she was three years older. Because she started early and I started like maybe a month late. Got it.

So, but yeah. So my favorite time was she was a senior in high school. And I was a freshman. So I was like the new fish in school and I played football and all her like guy friends would always mess with me. And I would always go up on the senior bridge and mess with her. So that was always a fun kind of age gap, you know, when we were in high school and got to be in school together. Yeah. How would, I mean, you kind of touched on it.

But how would you describe you and your sisters? relationship growing up and like what is when you think of the two of you like what's the first thing you think of whether it's a memory or just like what you know put you guys together what what pops to the top of your mind she was just my protector like and everything we did like she was just like she just always had my back you know like i remember um you know one easter like we went had an easter hunt. And I was like, I kind of grew up more and coordinated and sports came to me probably last out of the two of us. Like she was a more athletic kind of naturally. She kind of had more of like my dad was a really good athlete. She kind of took after him faster than I did. And I remember like this one Easter, we had an Easter

at Easter egg hunt. And I, uh, I didn't find any eggs. I didn't find one. Ella got them all. And so she dumped out her basket and she was like, okay, one for me, one for you. One for me. One for you. And she was just, that's just who she was. She, like, always, like, had my back. And even in our, even in our stages where, like, we did argue and we were, like, going through puberty and stuff. And, like, and, like, we didn't understand. Like, she still, like, was a person, like, telling me, hey, like, solid be yourself,

love yourself. Like, she could tell I struggle with, like, insecurities in certain ways. But she just always, like, was there for me. But so growing up, I always just kind of wanted to be, like, Ella. Yeah. She was cool. She was athletic. She could make friends, like, like, as fast as anyone could.

She could talk to a long. all like sing, dance, whatever. Like, so I just always like, Embed to be like her and wanted to be like her. Like, she was kind of like, you know, that sibling role model for me. Wow.

So, like, just, we were very close. We had all these inside jokes about certain movies, whether it was a hangover or bad, or, or, uh, bad boys, um, Martin Lawrence. Oh, yes. Yeah. We loved, that was our favorite movie.

Okay. Um, we just had, like, we could just, like, sit by each other and just laugh. And, you know, that was just like, Like such special times, like just being together and growing up and having that comfort and having that person that no matter what, how I felt at school or in sports, I could go home and I could feel like I could be Solomon no matter what. Yeah. And just having that was just so special. Yeah.

That's really special. At what age were you guys when you guys started realizing kind of Ella was struggling? Or when did she first notice it? I would say, I don't know when she first noticed it, but I would say I first noticed it probably. when I maybe I was in seventh, eighth grade, and Ella was probably eighth grade for me, and Ella was in high school. And I noticed, like, whether it was before a test or something,

Ella would get, like, really, I didn't know what it was back then, but I understood she was very anxious. And, like, you know, her mood should swing, be different. Just, like, certain things like that. And then it was, like, more than that, though. Like, you know, Ella would just kind of get sad sometimes throughout the school year, whether it was stuff with friends going on. You know, we were both, like, biracial and in a very white community.

and, you know, sometimes, like, that was hard, like, for Elle, especially as a black woman, like, you know, dating, making friends, you know, being in sports, you know. So I think that affected her a lot and, you know, so just seeing things like that bring her down. And I didn't understand it back when I was in eighth grade or ninth grade, but I definitely saw differences in her personality, the way she slept, who she found around. And, but that's when I first kind of noticed, okay, Ella is, she's going through something. I don't know what it is. I don't know how to describe it. I do now, but like, that's when I kind of saw stuff coming together. Yeah.

Was she ever diagnosed with anything? And when did that happen? So I didn't know this growing up, but she was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. And she took medication. Well, she also was diagnosed with ADHD. Okay. And, you know, she took medication. My mom and my dad were always taking care of her making sure she got the right medication

or she was in like counseling. Man, you know, it's, I mean, we definitely know more information now. But like, I'm for what we knew, I know my parents did the best they could, like making sure she had all the resources available to, you know, continue to succeed and do well in school. But yeah, so like, yeah, she definitely like every day waking up, you know, she was fighting some sort of uphill battle. And I now realize that. And, you know, knowing that now, it's like, you know, it's a lot. It's a lot to, you know, go through that, you know, at a young age and deal with that every day. and go through even more.

And, you know, I always have, like, you know, love and respect for everyone who has to go through that every day because it's a challenge and it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, so. Yeah. When was she diagnosed, like, like, like that your parents knew that to take her in? I do not know exactly. I think ADHD, I think that was at the beginning of middle school, but I don't know about the depression and fighting.

Yeah. That might have been later on. I feel like I know the answer to this question because I can only imagine. imagine being in your shoes back then and, you know, seeing your sister go through these things, but not being able to fully understand it because it's just so hard to relate when you're not going through the same exact things. But obviously you knew, this is the part, I feel like I know the answer, but I just wanted to hear it from you. Obviously, you knew she was struggling but did you ever know how bad it truly was?

Yeah, no, I didn't, like at that point in our life, like middle school, high school, I didn't know how bad it was. Like, I always just thought, like, okay, you know, this is part of growing up. You know, Ella's having a hard time and she's going to get through it. Yeah. But, you know, and even like, you know, towards the end, like, I still still thought I was like, you know, Ella's going to get this like, you know, it's just something that, you know, hey, like she's going through.

She's struggling, but, you know, she will pull through. Like I was strong. She's beautiful. She's intelligent. She's gonna be fine. Yeah. So like, you know, sad ways that thing.

Like you never, you never really know like what someone's going through, how bad it is or, you know, how close like, you know, they are to, you know,

impulse decision. So it's just, yeah, it was just, yeah. Yeah, just, you know, yeah,

I didn't really. Yeah. Really know. How bad. I feel like we, I feel like it's happened so many, like a lot recently. When we find out.

out, you know, we've lost somebody that way and people are shocked because a lot of the time, it's somebody that seemingly comes across as a very genuinely happy person, a popular person, somebody that everyone loves, somebody that other people rely on for their smiles. And it's just like, it just comes as a crazy big blow. Because you just, you just, it's always somebody that you never would expect it. Yeah. No, it's why I love like, you know, the shirts or, you know, when people go on, like, Twitter and Instagram are like, check on your strong friends or check on your funny friends. Yeah.

Check on a friend that's always laughing. Because, like, you don't know, like, okay, why is he trying to make everyone laugh? Like, is he trying to hide his pain? Is he trying to not talk about himself? Yeah. Okay, the friend who's always strong. Like, okay. Oh, yeah, he's giving out so much to everyone, but how much is it giving to himself?

Like, you never know. And that's how like Ella was. Ella gave so much of so many people. She gave her heart out or whatever she had. She didn't have much, but, you know, her finances, her clothing, whatever. She would give anything to anyone. Like, she just wanted people happy. She was that person, like, you know, that could connect everyone.

Like, one of her best friends used to describe her as a human narrator. Like, she could connect everyone in the room, whether it was a jocks, the band, you know, the debate team. She made everyone feel like full and welcome. and they were supposed to be together. Like she just had this feeling like, hey, like you, she made you feel important and validated. And so people that gravitated around Ella because she was that person. She was that strong, funny person that people were just like, you know,

like I want to be around Ella. Like she makes me happy, you know, that kind of thing. And, you know, like she was really struggling inside. You know, she was giving out so much love, but she wasn't loving herself. She wasn't taking care of herself. She had a lot of, like, demons that she was fighting and a lot of things she was going through. when, you know, she just kept trying to be that person that gave out, gave out. And, you know, it caught up with her.

Yeah. I love that human narrator. Fast forward. You get drafted into the NFL. You guys are all there. Third overall. Third overall. He knew that, actually.

Literally going again. He was like third overall. I think it was third overall. Stanford, right? Yep. Yep, yes, sir. Third overall to the San Francisco 49ers. You keep up.

You keep up. Obviously, we know the. story. Can you just kind of take our listeners through that moment through kind of just like the few months that followed with that with L.O. Christmas and yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So my rookie year was just kind of a lot. It was a blur like getting drafted into NFL like I'm living my dream. Like trying to figure out the business side of it, trying to figure out the social side, trying to figure out like kind of everything together. So like everything is moving fast and my family's back home in Dallas and I'm in California living alone and a new play, well, 15 minutes from my

college, but like in a new place. And just trying to figure out life and figure out football and everything. So things are just moving fast. And yeah, so I'm like not in touch with my family as much, like not always knowing what's going on with Ella or my parents. But like you, when they would come to games, like I would hear certain things. I was like, okay, Ella's struggling, okay, dad's struggling, okay, mom's struggling, but not knowing how bad things are, like, what's going on. Yeah. So, like, right before the season started, we moved Ella home from Arkansas.

She was in Arkansas. She was in a bad relationship. The things were going well for out here. So we were like, okay, let's move Ella home. Let's have around my parents. You know, I think that I really help her. And so during the season, she's at home and I'm thinking things are probably getting better up here. And a couple of times it came out, and she was just like, I could tell it. She wasn't herself. And I'm like, you know, I'm trying to figure out what's going on. And I'm like, Ella, what's wrong? Like, she's telling me things like, you know, I just can't be happy. And, you know, me now understanding how naive it was for me to say this, like, I'm like,

Ella, like, why can't you just be happy? Yeah. Not knowing that, hey, she's diagnosed a depression. She's not blocking enough cortisol to be happy. And like, there's so many things between her brain chemistry and just the things that she's going to, whether it's PTSD or traumatic instances, that she just can't be happy. And, you know, like this conversation like that we had. And then, you know, we had Christmas, you know, the family came up for Christmas.

And it was really nice Christmas. Like Ella is, you know, she's black herself again. She likes the beautiful prayer at dinner. And like, you know, we're like, okay, Ella's making a lot of progress. Like, you know, this is good. And like moving her back home was nice. And so season ends. I go home a week after the season ends.

And I'm back around the family. And then, yeah, I'm just starting training out in Dallas. Alice and, you know, one morning I'm training. And, you know, my mom texts me. She's like, hey, like, have you heard from Ella? And I'm like, no, no, I haven't heard from Ella. You know, so I text her and, like, don't hear back for a couple hours. And my mom called again.

It's like, hey, you're from Ella again. I'm like, no. Like, she was supposed to be at work. She wasn't at work. And then a couple hours later, I got the call from my dad. And could right away tell from his voice that, hey, like, you know, something wasn't, something wasn't good. And then, like, you know, put it all together.

and he told me that, you know, Ella had died. Yeah, you know, one of the worst phone calls in my life, worst days in my life. And, you know, just like, you know, how we're talking about, like, you know, just a shock factor of it. It's just like, how could this happen? How could Ella die? How could I let this happen? How could all these feelings and emotions all come together all at once?

And you feel them all at once. And that's what is so crazy about this way of dying and suicide and figuring all this out, it hits you all at once. you don't know how to handle it because we don't talk about any of it. And we don't prepare for any of it. And we don't know how to even handle any of it. So it was just like, just so much. And, you know, we have so many friends and family and loved ones coming around, you know, being there for us and being there for my mom, dad, and myself.

And, you know, just loving on us and being there. But, like, it was just, it was so interesting. Like, they were there for us and they loved us, but they couldn't talk about how well it died. Like, it was just this weird thing. It was like, this off, off-limits thing. Like, okay, hey. I remember your dad talking about that at first. Yeah.

Like for so long, you just didn't want to talk about how it happened. Yeah. The details because there's like that there's like shame that comes with it. Yeah. It's, yeah, it's hard.

It's just hard to talk. It's there's guilt, there's shame. Yeah. So many emotions involved. And then people are like, don't want to talk about it either because they're afraid to bring it up, even though it's such a prevalent thing that needs to be addressed.

And, you know, just so from that, like, we were all just in shock and all just really, really sad and didn't really know how to keep living. Like, like, we knew how to, like, go on with our day to day, go back to work, you know, go train again, you know, get back into everything. But, like, how do I keep, how do I, like, find a way to live again? Because I didn't really, like, it was, everything was so dark, you know, and as the days went on, I would just, like, keep pushing down, like, how I felt, you know, people were telling me to be there for my parents, you know, so I was like, you know, I got to be strong for them, got to be strong for them, got to be. I'd be strong for his friends when I wasn't being strong for myself.

And, you know, just continue to like push it down, but also just got reside on the old way of how I was taught growing up. Like kind of, hey, like be tough, you know, push through it. You know, like my thing was growing up. Like, if I worked hard, I could get through anything. So, like, you know, if I work hard through this, I'll be able to get through my sister's death. And, you know, maybe I'll just like, you know, show strength. And that will work out. Yeah.

And that didn't. You know, all I ended up doing was pushing down emotions, pushing down my feelings, not being aware of how I was feeling. not getting help and just trying to, trying to live a life that wasn't real. And, you know, I went to a dark place and, you know, I, you know, went through a time where I had a lot of suicidal thoughts. And, you know, it was just really, really hard to, you know, find a way, like, why should I be here? Like, my sister's gone. Like, I don't really like my job. I don't like what I'm doing. I have all this pressure on me, all X, X and X, and X. Like, and it was just like, you know, like, what's left here. I don't want to wake up. I don't want to go to sleep. And, you know,

I was very fortunate to get help and to be. to be addressed by, you know, one of my bosses at the Niners, John Lynch. And he asked me like, hey, so like, do you need help? And even though my mom had been begging me to get help for a long time, just, but him doing that, like, meant so much to me because in this profession, like, I didn't think, like, nobody cared. Yeah. Even though, like, people were there for me, a teenager's there for me and they love me through it

and helped me through it. I'm so thankful for that. But I didn't think, like, anybody really cared, like, for my progression as, of my mental health and my, my well-being, like, how to, like, to get through this and like, like, I felt like everybody in the building just wanted me to play with. And that was it. But him kind of lifting that burden off my shoulders that I had to be strong, like, that was it. That's all I needed.

And I went home that night, looked in the mirror, was like, dude, I need help. I'm a mess. And started going to therapy, learn how to cope with my emotions, learned how to deal with, learn how to, like, carry my grief with me. To understand my grief is never going to leave, like, I'll forever have this, like, small hole in my heart, big hole in my heart. But, like, I can find a way to live with that and to bring Ella with me. and to connect with those around me

and to use this to to keep Ella's legacy alive and to help other people. But yeah, it's been a journey and it's been hard and, but I'm finding a way to, you know, to keep Ella alive and this is the stuff she wanted to do.

Like she understood what she was going through and she wanted to help people who were going through the same thing. Like she wanted to help kids who struggle with mental health and young women who struggled from sexual assault. Like that was, and so like I believe that we're keeping, We're keeping all this legacy alive and keeping your mission alive.

So that's just like, that's just who she was. Yeah. Wow. It's so tricky because there's like, there's no handbook. Yeah. To grief in general. Yeah. And like, I think people forget, too.

Like, if you haven't gone through grief, like, obviously there's like a grieving process that is more of like an initial part of the grieving process. But the grieving process is literally like your entire life. You know, you're still grieving the loss of your family member, of your friend, of someone. It definitely is a process, but it's a forever thing. And it's different for everyone. Yeah.

Some things that work, you know, amazingly for somebody, could not work at all for somebody else going through the same thing. Yeah. I just feel like it's so fluid or. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, there's definitely, like, a lot of things. Was therapy a big help to you?

Yeah, therapy was huge for me because it was teaching me how to deal with things I've never learned how to put into words. Like, someone could tell me how I feel and I couldn't put into words how I felt because I didn't have the language for it. It's my therapist. So keep asking me, okay, like, well, how does that make you feel or like, you know, like, or like, tell me more about that and like really challenging me to like, really put into words. It's like, because I was saying like, oh, you know, that sucked or that was bad. Right. But she really wanted to hear how am I doing. And it took a while, like for me to open up and like it was my first time in therapy.

But once I did, like, I really learned how to like really kind of let my, let my guard down and be vulnerable and let my therapist know how I'm doing. And she can help me through that after I do that. But like, I love what you say about grief. Like grief is fluid. Like it really is. There's times I feel like I'm doing great and I'm on top of my grief. Yeah. Then right as I get to, I feel like I'm on top of my grief, my grief just crashes me right back down.

Yeah. And it's so it's something that you're always dealing with like, you know, for the rest of my life. Like I'm dealing with my grief. And, you know, I think one thing that we all kind of do as humans that's, that's so not beneficial for our grief is we grief compare. Like, and I did that for a while too. I was like, oh, my teammate, like he's lost three family members and the best friend. Like, I shouldn't cry. I shouldn't feel bad.

Right. He seems to be doing fine. Why am I struggling? Exactly. And so, like, I would like, be like, oh. I have to, I have to, but no, like we, we all handle grief differently. We all handle death differently. Yeah. We all, it all hits us on different days.

Like a day he might be being strong. Yeah. Like, and I'm having a bad day. Like, maybe when he goes home the next day, like, he's having the same day I am. So, like, you never know. And I think it's important to understand that you don't have to compare your grief. And you can honor your loved one. You can honor your grief and really address it.

So I do feel like that's something that as a society, society too much. Yeah. No, that's, that's so true, especially because we're all, especially men are built to be like oh like I got to be strong move forward especially if you're comparing a circumstantial thing like on the outside but everyone digest their situations differently you know some like I know some nurses I've worked as a COVID nurse some nurses worked covenant are completely fine some like me have PTSD like you know it's so like circumstantial everyone takes in you know whatever they've gone through differently so you really can't can't compare it

I love how you started talking about, like, being in the locker room, being with the guys. Because I, whenever we have men on, I love talking about men's mental health because it is something that is very big. I'm very passionate about. I lost a good friend of mine to suicide. He suffered from bipolar and he's a male. So I love to just kind of advocate for it. Obviously, there is the whole stigma of like men's mental health. I would just love to hear like kind of like what you.

you've been able to see or what you feel about it being in such a tough man environment. Like it's literally the NFL. Y'all are freaking ramming into each other. And like it's, yeah, like men's mental health already has a stigma just because we're men. I can only imagine the environment that you have to work in every single day and being in the locker room. And like, I feel like it would even be heightened there. How have you found?

And how are you able to prioritize your mental health in that environment? I've seen like a transition of mental health from my rookie year to now in the league. And it's been it's very motivating and it's very hopeful. Because when I first got in the league, my rookie year, I had a player tell me, hey, you can't sit the same table as a team clinician because people might be crazy. And, you know, now I have teammates coming up to me asking about therapy. How do I get in a therapy? Wow. And that kind of stuff.

Like so I've seen that transition. but it's all been from, you know, guys coming out and talking and being vulnerable. Whether it's, you know, Dak Prescott or Darren Waller, Max Crosb, Darius Leonard, so many, like, guys have come out and talked about mental health and made it more acceptable and been representation for other NFL players to see like, hey, okay, like, I'm really feeling a lot of the things he's feeling and it's okay for me to get help. And it's also okay for me to feel like this. Like, I'm not weird or not crazy for feeling this. And I'm also not anymore less of a man for feeling these certain emotions, whether it's like crying or like feeling. insecure or being sensitive. Like these are all normal emotions at every human feels,

whether we want to associate them more with men or female, they are just human emotions. So like, you know, I think I've seen that representation be such a big deal of it. But it's been a, it's a really hard place to, to, like, people don't sometimes think about all the stigmas we go through with our mental health. Like, we're judged by fans. We're judged by the front office. All the scouts in the building.

Yeah. Like that, like sometimes, like, if you're not, you don't have an established contract or career. sometimes you feel like you can't really be in touch with your mental health or express your mental health because still there's some people in the building who might look at that as a weakness. Yeah. And so, oh, I can't show that because now I have a higher chance of getting cut, being traded, not making my team, not making the team, or living my dream out in the NFL. And so a lot of people understand sometimes that part of it in the NFL and in professional sports in general.

But that's why, like, I think it's so important for guys in my position or guys like Max, Darren, back, like the guys who are, Haydenhurst, the guys who are speaking out, you know, can continue to do it. Like, let's lift each other up. Let's make sure everyone knows, hey, yeah, we play this glad in your sport, but we're still human beings. And we're still going through the ups and downs of being human. And it's okay for us to feel all these things because we go through a lot, just like a lot of other people. We have a lot to deal with. There's a lot of stress. It's a high, high pressure job. It's a, you know, performance-based job. And so it's very important for us to understand that, hey, like, we can feel these things. and still play this sport and we can honor these emotions and feelings and still play this sport.

Yeah. I think that's big and I'm trying to, you know, when I speak now, I'm trying to make sure the guys know that, hey, when you do take care of these things, when you do take care of your emotions, when you do go to therapy or find whatever coping mechanism works for you. Yeah. It is going to make you a whole better person, your best self, which will also make you a best player on the deal. Because, like, if you're struggling internally and you're not taking care of those things, your body's not going to react as well. It's like I love my dad.

He loves calling it the whole health. And he's really ingrained that in me because like when I'm not my best whole person, I'm not going to be my best whole athlete. You know, because if my brain is moving slow, my body's going to move slow. If my brain's healthy and it is fresh and I'm going to therapy, taking care of it, meditating, and I'm honoring my emotions and feelings and it's not lagging.

Then when I'm on the field, my brain's going to move so much faster. Yeah. So I really, that's what I'm, why I love going to the whole health and understanding, having asked to understand the connection between the body and the mind and the gut. Like, they're all so, so intertwined. And it's cool learning the science of mental health, too.

It's like, yeah. Yeah. You can find ways to, like, make yourself your best self. Yeah. Yeah. That's so true. I, that is one of my favorite videos I've shown you is Haydenhurst running up to DAC after that game.

One of them was miced up. So it caught it. And it's just such a sweet moment. You remember that video? Yeah. Yeah. I love that. I love that moment too.

I was going to say how cool that, you know, that we have people like you, like, that, like speaking about this because obviously NFL alone, but then also like how you have been brought up because I don't know the statistic you may know it, but like people that have grown up in black communities are so less likely to seek help. And with the NFL being predominantly black, it's you just have that upbringing already installed. And then you put in such a masculine environment, you know, the outliers there are, they're pretty difficult. But it's really cool that you guys are speaking about it, not only to help, you know, fellow NFL players, but also kids that are watching, you know, growing up and getting

to see, you know, their role models, getting to see, you know, like the little, little Cowboys fan being like, I love Dak. And, like, you know, getting to see him, you know, talking so vulnerability about his mental health, people getting to see you do that. It's really cool. And it's so I think the other NFL members, players, I don't know what I'm trying to say. Other teammates, I don't know what you call them. Like how much they're really going to benefit from you guys talking about it.

Because it needs to be talked about and understood that exactly what you said, that taking that step to better your mental health, it's all connected. It's only going to better you as a player. Yeah. While we're still on football quickly before you get to the defensive line, you were nominated for the Walter Payton Man of the Year award this last year, right? Yeah. First of all, congratulations.

Thank you. We were so excited for you. Yeah. We were watching it. Yeah. Honestly, I mean, just a massive, massive and if not, the most important accomplishment in that sport. So I really don't have a question about that. I just wanted to say congrats.

And we just thought it was so cool. And we were so excited for you. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you, both. Yeah, that was awesome. A huge honor. That was super fun week. Yeah.

So would you like to tell our listeners why you were nominated for that award? Yeah. So, you know, after Ella died by suicide and, you know, we were kind of lost and didn't know what to do. Like, but we were introduced, like, just kind of thrown in this world of mental health. And we saw how there was this huge kind of this archaic stigma around mental health, whether it's like men just to push through. be a man or people not understand the signs of the disease, like people are just saying like, oh, depression's a feeling,

anxiety is a feeling, like not treating it as like the mental illness and the mental disorder that it is, we were like, there's something has to be done and we want to be part of that change. And, you know, so you know, it was my parents and I and, you know, my cousin and my uncle and on and, you know,

some other great friends who have truly helped us so much and we were able to start, you know, the defensive line, you know, we're a missionist and the epidemic youth suicide, especially for young people of color by transforming the way we can communicate and connect with health. And, you know, it's been, we've been doing this for almost two years now, and it's been such a great journey and a tough journey too, but we're doing this and we're changing, you know, we're trying to change lives by we're going into schools, businesses, sports

programs, and we're, we have these suicide prevention programs where we're teaching teacher, any mentor of youth, whether it's a teacher, coach, boss, employee, janitor whoever it is, whoever's around youth or is the leader of more people, trying to teach them how to have the language of mental health, how to look for warning signs, you know, the resource in their area or resources in general, but really just how to create a safe mental health environment where, you know, they can have safe places, they can have these conversations. So whether it's their students, their employees, student athletes, whoever it is. So they know how to, they know how to talk about it. They know where to go and get help. they know how to ask the right question. And then that just creates an environment where everyone's each other.

And so like that was kind of, you know, that's our product of how we're getting this done. But it all came from like, you know, I was like telling my parents like, you know, when I came home from school, like every day, like I was too tired sometimes to talk to them about how I'm feeling. But my teachers and my coaches, they saw firsthand how he interacted with my friends, whether my move was up or down, whether my energy was up or down. And so they kind of had more of a seeing of like, okay, how am I away from home and how am I really doing? six, seven, eight hours of the day. So, like, that's why we really wanted to attack and approach the teachers, the mentors.

And generally, that's, like, kind of the age group that has been kind of not as understanding of mental health, too, you know, kind of like the older generations like my parents who are, like, we're really trying to change the archaic mindset. But, you know, it's been a journey. And, you know, it's a, I'm very excited about, you know, everything we're doing the defensive line. And, you know, it's been amazing to do things with squeeze and, you know, we appreciate you all so much but yeah yeah so but that's why i was i was not that's one of the reasons i was nominated for

yeah yeah that's so awesome and it's so it's so needed because we we don't we don't think about that we got to pay these teachers more a but b it's so important to educate those people who spend the most amount of time you know with children that have that firsthand look into it because like you said you know i definitely saw my teachers more than i probably did my parents growing especially my dance teacher is growing up. Then I saw my parents because I would dance in the morning before school and then go to school and then dance after school. And then I go home and go to bed and do my homework. So during the week, I'm barely seeing my parents. So how are they going to know if I'm going through something? Yeah. That's like such an important thing. I feel like we forget about.

Yeah. Like educating, you have to educate parents too, but also, you know, those teachers, those coaches, those. Yeah, because you're spending more time with them. Yeah. and your own parents at that age. Yeah. Yeah. I just think it's so awesome how you guys, of course, you all are always going to have that hole in your heart and that's never going to go away. But that being said, just how you took such a tragedy and have made it into something

truly beautiful, you truly are, you said it earlier perfectly. you truly are honoring exactly what Ella would be doing today. And you're living that out for her. And it's just so touching. This was such a fun episode. Are you like so excited? We have an actual NFL player on our couch. I am.

You're our, well, active. Active. First active. Yeah. Do you know Emmanuel Ocho? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we had Acho on. Of course he delivered a great episode.

Yeah. The best speaker ever. Yeah, he's impressive. Yeah. He's a grace. Yeah. But, yeah, I was very excited. And, yeah, thank you for being here.

Once again, you and your family are doing amazing things. And I just think it's so important and so beautiful. And we're going to be watching every game of yours this year. Hey, yeah. You're going to come out to a game now. Stay out time, maybe. Let's go, Jess. I appreciate y'all so much.

And thank you for having me on. Again, thank you for everything you do with the squeeze, but just being great people and opening the space. It's much needed and it's changing the boat. I appreciate you both. Of course. Thank you, so much for squeezing us into your day. Please be sure to rate, review, and follow our pod and check out full episodes on YouTube. You can follow me at Taylor Lautner, my lovely wife, at Tay Lautner.

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