The Steve Dangle Podcast - The Steve Dangle Podcast - Jan 5, 2017 - Part Two

Episode Date: January 6, 2017

On this episode, its part two of our of Best of 2016! Steve and Adam shave their rear-ends, Mr Jankov, Utah Buncha Wives, and WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?!? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Butthole, dog butthole, look at all those dog buttholes. I never want to hear that ever again. Butthole, dog butthole. Lots of dog buttholes. Wow. Pink puckering dog butthole. Welcome to the second best of of the week It's producer Jesse once again

All alone, Steve is not here Adam is not here if you haven't listened if you listened to the first best of I hope you enjoyed it if you haven't listened to it yet what's the matter with you which by the way will be featured

in this episode's best of including along with that we'll also have some Sepp Blatter some Mr. Yankoff Adam and Steve shaving their butts Levi Maestro and a whole bunch more awesome

hilarity um speaking of adam and steve adam was on instagram and facebook and all over the place today relaxing on the beach and i was like stop stop adam we get it your life is awesome and we all want to be you so stop showing off it's freezing here in toronto today we had like 18 cold warnings and and adam's just chilling down in down in south beach with the new york giants and Odell Beckham and Justin Bieber and they're all chilling on the beach together.

You know? Because that's the life of Mr. Fancy Pants Adam Wilde. And I know he'll never hear this. So I can just be jealous and vent all of my rage and my jealousy right here because this is a place

where Adam will never hear. And Steve, I love you because I know you're listening. So I love you with all of my heart. Anyways, Steve, speaking of Steve, Also, on Tuesday, he texted me an update of how many tickets we have left for Hockey Night in Cinema, which is going down in London on January 14th. So that's not this Saturday, but next Saturday. As of Tuesday, we had 81 tickets remaining.

So I hope between that time, they all haven't been taken up. If you still want one, I hope you can still get one. But we had Phil Kessel, 81 number of tickets left. so if you want to hit up Eventbrite type in Hockey Night in Cinema or type in like Panago Pizza it should just pop up on Eventbrite or once again hit up Steve's Twitter

or any of our Twitters should be there and then search up Hockey Night in Cinema and you'll see it hopefully you can come out to London to watch I think it's the Leafs play the Senators that night we'll be watching it down in the theater there we'll be having a great time with all of our fans

we'll have free pizza we always have tons of giveaways last time we gave away Leafs tickets a couple pairs of Marley's tickets and then the grand prize of Leafs tickets and then we give away free pucks and we take pictures it's a great time if you haven't been

come down to London if you can make it January 14th alright let's get into this best of I've done enough talking I'm still a little stuffed up so I don't know how fun it is to listen to me and my clogged up nose and my mouth all like this

but I'm done now we'll see you on Tuesday brand new episodes go Leafs go Matthews is Jesus I can't say it enough peace out yo Steve out of 10

how hairy is your back? up or not but I got the Jeremy Hutz tuft above my ass that's how I call it my tuft I've got it under my I've got it under my

shoulder blades yeah I don't have that what's up with that? I don't know I think that's one of those things you have or don't I don't have that. And I got a little bit

on top of my shoulders. Anyway, I don't have any of that. I have that stuff that I have hair pants ripped off. You have hair pants? I have hair pants.

I have hair pants too. Oh, you mean like, no, pants. Have I ever told you the time I tried to, what?

I'm going to tell this story. Did you shave your ass? Yeah, I did. There you go. All right, so I, how hard was that?

I don't know. I'm not sure what, I'm not sure what, it's offending people anymore. So I, I'm afraid, I'm hesitant to tell these stories, but when I was

you should tell this on Kiss are you kidding me yeah I guess I could tell this on Kiss tell this to Dina yeah I'm sure Dina would like that no

so I don't know if anybody else experienced this just Steve if you did Jesse if you did but when you have hair pants when you first get your hair pants

you're not used to sitting on your hair pants so it hurts a little bit it hurts it's itchy as shit itchy so incredibly itchy

we're just all we've had such good hockey talk for so long and now it's just So swamp ass. No, well, it wasn't even that. It was like, I remember being in Dragon Boat in school, and we'd train in the school pool. And the chlorine would dry it out, plus you got hair going in, so it was very, very itchy.

And I would get to French class, and I'd be like, with my butt, like all over the place. Trying to scratch it on the thing, and it was just like, I'd be like, and then I'd literally go to the bathroom, just so I could scratch my cheeks. Like, it was so bad. So, first year university. First year university. I'm just patiently waiting for this conversation to go too far. Because there's a point. It's coming.

Well, no, first year university. So then my friend came in and scratched my ass for me. And I was like, Steve, knock that off. We should start a podcast. Let's go back to that. But let's never speak of this again. No, no. So I remember going, I was sitting in university,

and I still was not used to my hair pants. and Jesse's face and I tell the story Adam I'm trying to tell it I can't your damn face

Jesse's face and I was really uncomfortable and I couldn't pay attention so I went home and I was like screw it I'm gonna shave it I'm gonna shave it

so I you're just like a razor blade in your asshole well not in it it's just the cheeks it wasn't even in it it was just on the cheeks for the youngins listening

don't do that well don't do that this is an explicit podcast you wanna make a problem worse shave it Yeah. Don't do that.

Yeah. So I thought, I'm like, okay, I'll get rid of the hair. I'm going to try it on one cheek. So not only am I going to do this, I'm only going to do it on one side to see if it, because I wanted to have a tester. Here's the hair pant side. Here's the naked butt side. What side is going to be more comfortable?

You haven't asked, made for a Billy Mays commercial. Atlantis? Well, Atlantis factors into this. Oh, no. So hang on. So I'm shaving it, and I'm doing it stupidly not in front of a mirror. I did it in the shower, and I had a brand new razor. So we're talking sliced and diced, baby.

Oh, man! And then, so the next day I go to school, and the hair is coming back in. So it is itchy and uncomfortable on a level that I cannot even explain. So I get home, and I'm obviously walking around the house being a little bit weird. My mom's like, what did you do? What happened? And I said, so I had to explain this to her. I'm like, Mom, I couldn't sit still in class because my hairy butt wouldn't let me because I wasn't used to it.

And then she's like, she's like, let me see. I'm like, Mom, you're not going to see this. So I'm like, I'm not going to, I can't show you this. And then she's like, no, no, no, you got to show me just so I can have a look because you can't see back there, whatever. So I'm like, shut her down. And I don't think my mom's ever laughed so hard in my life. It was like the face of the moon. It was just terrible shit all over.

So anyway, moral of the story here, when you're 18, don't shave your bum and then show your mother. Because it was weeks and weeks and weeks. Not until just the hair grew in, which by the way was awful, to when the scabs cleared up. Like I had sliced myself, man. It was bad. It was bad. This story started and I'm like, this will be fun. And then he's talking about carving his ass and showing his mom.

Listen, we've all been there with things. No. Listen, but I've never shaved my ass or choked my mom. So, Peter Hollens. Take me seriously. What just happened? By the way, this is supposed to be the press conference. I can't wait for Twitter every time you offer an opinion.

Yeah, well, you shaved your ass. That's what it's going to be. I'm so proud of you. What's the matter with you? I take Steve down to let him out of the garage here. And just as I'm getting out of his car and he's about to drive home, he's like, by the way, I totally hung you out to dry there. I nared my ass when I was 18.

What? No, not 18. I wasn't 18. I wasn't, I might have been in grade 8 still. Grade 8? So I would have been like 13 or 14. Dude, hair, pants. You knew what nare was in grade 8?

I didn't know until I worked at Shopper's Drug Mart. I was at least 15, 16. Sixteen. I don't know. I thought... I don't know what I... Okay, run us down. No.

You're a bad friend. Right? Now, Steve, why did you decide to... The avalanche placed Eric Jelena on waiver. Why did you decide to near your butt? Because it was super hairy. And I don't know, I thought... Was it uncomfortable?

I thought girls liked smooth butts. Was it uncomfortable to sit on? Yeah, of course it was. I thought girls liked smooth butts. I think they do. I don't know if they can tell through your pants, though. how hairy is your ass? Like if it's hairy enough

that you can see it through a pair of jeans then yeah I would get a chainsaw. You know but what if I was in a scenario where a girl saw my butt and it wasn't smooth.

Did you know you in grade 8? Listen grade 8 me had dreams or I had aspirations. That was I believe that's

where the I believe that's where the Eddie George thing jersey came from and then you wore it into grade 9. Yeah I think you're right.

Might have been grade 7. And if I'm not mistaken, you had... Did you not have a chain on your wallet, too? Did you? Ooh, I don't remember. I think I might have. And it was super short. Because everybody did at that point.

Yeah. But my question is... I also had Carl Canai pants with a big metal K that scratched up every wooden chair I sat on. We were talking about this last episode. Adam's there, pouring out his soul. And you're just sitting there. I just...

I wanted to leave. It was really late. And I'm sorry. I know. But let me tell you... Hung out to dry, Jesse. Hung out to dry. you miss laundry to him

I didn't I didn't have quite the struggle that Adam did because at least I had the sense to not shave my ass but instead to

nair it which doesn't quite have the same itchy side effects and the thing was and I have to give you credit for this you did it in grade 8

I did it in university like yeah you should definitely be smarter than that by then yeah like you had to apply and get approved

for a post-secondary program I wasn't even in high school yet Have you guys seen the, it's an old sketch, I think it's Mad TV, where at a certain point they were just adding a bunch of nefarious razor blades to every cartridge pack, so the Mach 3 came out, and then it became Quattro, and then it was the Cinco, like the five. And it just shows it shaving through layers of skin. And you have to take your entire face off.

Mad TV was great. Yeah, that was the Mad TV. so I had I realized this after the show when I shaved it was a five razor blade thing that I'd been given for free on the street

you're just starting up like a gas lawnmower driving it over your ass your ass your ass which has never been shaved before my poor booty my right cheek has never been the same and did you ever do it again?

I never did boy Just cuts and scrapes, baby. Cuts and scrapes. How did yours work out? Do you remember? Was there any awkwardness? I just, no.

I told no one. And because there were absolutely no prospects, no one ever found out. And I don't think it was the whole ass like you, so I just went. It wasn't the whole ass. Sorry, sorry. Like you, it wasn't the whole ass. Okay. I was like, let's try a little patch of ass.

and then man a patch a patch of ass so I nared my ass no I nared a patch of ass

and I thought you know what this is smooth and it feels like class but it must look ridiculous and it did

I want to thank everybody who reached out and said there were several people that reached out with the exact same sentiment I guess they were all having bad days and then they were like

it's good to know that someone's life has been worse and I was like well it's true so I've I told Jesse

I'm like you know what we gotta get more videos on the YouTube channel and I was like you know just take an excerpt from like any show

whatever you think is the best we talked about so many things like the Panthers like that that to me would have been

the thing to take Jesse isolates the story of Adam shaving his ass it's both well for potential future sponsors They're going to be clicking through our YouTube channel. Yeah, let me see what...

Huh. Someone's like, hmm, you know what? It's the beginning of December. The holiday season's coming. People are going to go shopping. I want to advertise on the Steve Dangle podcast. Let me just see what the... Let's see what Merrick and Wyshynski are talking about.

Well, see, Panago's good because they... I remember the first meeting we had with them. They were like, okay, we're really, really interested. And at this point, we had... I think we had 25 listens an episode. 2,500 listens an episode. Which was It was about three

Four months in We were still ecstatic We were like Oh my god This is crazy How are this many people Listening to the show And

And they were like One thing though We don't really love The official hashtag Of the show That's literally The only ask They've ever had

The only thing They've ever Ask They said Can it not be Hashtag Steve's pee pee And we're like Yeah we think

We can grant you that That's fair Yeah That's fair I think that came out Of a stripper story In the first episode and

should our new hashtag be Adam's ass no no it shouldn't but Panago Panago's used to it right they're used to us

just being a little bit weird and being half assed I'm disappointed we never got to see Adam do an episode naked well because we never got a thousand retweets

we never got a thousand retweets uh we didn't how many did we get three o'clock yeah we ended somewhere in the 300s uh because like very shortly

it was like an hour or two after you tweeted that it was like 200 something yeah I was like I think we're going to see if Adam's shaved his ass recently. If Panago's used to all this, I think anybody that comes in and advertises, it would be like, wow. You know that friend that you really like, but when you introduce them to other people, it takes them getting used to before they like them too?

Oh, yeah. What if we get a razor blade company to sponsor us? And then we do an ass shaving segment. Hey, Dollar Shave Club. Is there a dollar Nair Club? There's a good bit on YouTube, East Coast Conversation by Peter Anthony. He did it at the Halifax Comedy Festival.

And it's basically, it's just built on how people talk from our hometown. So it's pretty good. What's going on? In other words, hello. What's going on? Do you guys trade advice on broadcasting and comedy? He'll call me, he'll say, is this funny?

And I'll say, yeah. And I'll call him and I'll say, hey, you gotta watch this. I put dad in a lead for an item tonight And I have a big screenshot of my dad And he'll laugh And he'll say this works or that doesn't work And basically when it comes to doing stuff on TV

If I think it's funny Then I don't care what you think It's good enough I'm doing it to amuse myself That's me with my videos Seriously That is you guys with this And if other people embrace it

That's awesome because all you have to do Is be yourself You don't have to be anybody else. I'll tell Adam and Jesse, like, if a joke bombs, they'll be like, ah, they're not all going to work. Exactly. And if it bombs, it bombs. Like, I mean, there's a reason I go on TV

and if I'm doing basketball highlights, I'll talk about my old gym teacher, Mr. Yankoff, and use it backwards. Because that's what I know. Where was his name? Mr. Yankoff, J-A-N-K-O-V. I'm sure he didn't get a hard time. No.

I'll never forget my buddy. Hard time. My buddies David and Craig Clark. They're in gym class, and it was grade six. and I think he was talking to Craig, and the Clarks had a long line of guys who'd come through school, and that's the thing about going to school

in a small town. You know, they know your relatives, and they'll often judge you by your dad. Like, my mom had the same teachers I had. And so Mr. Yankoff, this is the first class. First class. And Mr. Yankoff's going through the roll call. He goes, huh, Craig Clark.

Imagine having a name like Clark. And Craig looks right at him. He goes, better than a name like Yankoff. Right away. Out of here, boy! That's how Yankov would kick at a gym class. Out of here, boy! He'd always point up because the locker room was upstairs.

Like he was a 70s umpire. I'm not lying, boys. We'd play softball. Remember the old school American League umps? How they had that chest protector holding them? We'd play underhand softball. Yankov would be back there with the chest protector holder in full mask. Strike!

It was awesome. And I love Yankov. Carole Berry, shout out. that's his berry company in Caribou Island picked in Nova Scotia and he was a riot he'd have

four simple like he'd have simple rules no cut-offs no work boots no beer shirts no cigarettes one day

grade 8 last day of gym class Luke Naylor comes down work boots cut-offs and out my beer shirt with cigarettes

up under the shoulder Luke walks into gym class Jankov turns around without any more words out of here boy it was just it was awesome

it was a competition to see who can get kicked out it was fantastic that's amazing I am now living in deep regret of not going to

school with you seriously it was it was nuts gym class was nuts and he'd have Greco-Roman wrestling

and of course to teach Greco-Roman wrestling Haroon get over here and he'd just take Mark Haroon and he'd flop him around on the mats

and then one day David Clark and Craig Clark they wanted to fight so they told Yankoff that they wanted to have a wrestling match for the school

for the class so Yankoff goes alright boys get the mats out so they get the mats out and Yankov goes the Clark boys are going to wrestle for us

so he's like because Yankov couldn't whistle so he'd go to start so he'd do that so the wrestling match started

and so all Craig and David and you just let them fight each other oh yeah he let them fight you couldn't do that today no you could not when did you go to high school

I graduated in 92 so this gym class this gym class would have been like 88 I thought you were talking about like oh my god this gym class would have been like 88

so Craig and David They fist fight for five minutes, and Yankov goes, enough, enough. And he goes, I thought you boys were going to Greco-Roman wrestle. So that was it. And, like, you'd play floor hockey, and if a fight broke out, Yankov, he was like an NHL linesman. He'd let you go. Wow. Like, it would just, you'd fight, and then the fight would be over, and you'd go, boy, you're that corner, and you're out of here.

Whoever started the fight or perceived to start the fight was out of here, boy. I wish I grew up 25 years ago. The other thing about Yankov was, shoot a three-pointer, boy. Why don't you do it, Mr. Yankov? I don't have to prove myself to you. The only thing he'd do for displays was the old rings. Remember the rings? Oh, he could do that?

Yankov was jacked. That's a strong gym teaching. He could just sit there and get red. It was awesome. Hey, Mr. Yankov. Oh, my God. I hope he hears this somehow. He knows I talk about him on TV.

I see him every summer. usually when I go home you say he's awesome. That is unbelievable. If I were naming a team now in the context of now and I were the Vegas owner I would want the team

to be a little bit more reflective of the city. What's reflective? The slot machines. They couldn't go like the Vegas Blackjacks or something like that. Aces.

They couldn't do that. Why can't you do aces? They didn't want to be associated with games. Playing aces. It wasn't going to happen at all. The NHL wasn't going to allow that. And the team didn't want it.

The Las Vegas Strips. The Las Vegas deserts. The Las Vegas... Desert storm. Uninhabitables. The Las Vegas drought. By the way, is the...

Was that not the worst, the single worst team announcement name ever? So we're going to play this video. Okay, so I haven't seen this yet. How bad was it? Jesse, it was awful. Okay. In a word.

Batman got up there and everybody booed him, of course. Good, good, good. And then they said, okay... He had a good humor about it. He said, you're not an NHL city until you boo me. Yeah. And then at one point, he cackled back, and he's like, don't make me take your team away.

That's good. I forget what they yelled at him. When the video wasn't working, there was like a 10-minute delay. Somebody started booing and cheering at Batman, and he's like, don't make me take your team away. That's funny. I was like, that's good. That's funny. That's funny.

I'll give it to him. Anyways, before the reveal, they're supposed to run this video about how they came up with the name, and then the video didn't work. so she sat there awkwardly why does that always happen if you were trying to give a powerpoint presentation every powerpoint presentation I ever spent 16 effing hours

on doesn't work we are this far, it is 2016 gentlemen, almost 2017 why can we still not get video projection systems to work off of our computers it's not a good sign is it it's not, how do we not have this technology you're in Vegas, there have to be

production companies that would gladly do your show for a nominal fee. And you're that close to Los Angeles, the center of video production in the world. I'm sure you could have brought someone in. Now, I'm not blaming the company. I'm just saying, why, with tech, are we not there yet? Where we can reliably put a video on a screen

and have it work. And when I ask, how could a brand new NHL team not get this down, I look at NHL.com and go, ah, I see. Oh, yeah, and then when they were counting down, and they were like, okay, we're just going to reveal it now. And then they started counting, five, four, and then the numbers showed up on the screen.

So he was like at four, and the numbers just showed up at five. And he's like, one, and the screen's like, two, one. It was a mess. See, there are certain things. That sucks, man. He wanted that to be like Apple event good. You should be able to walk up there in like a black turtleneck and jeans and be like, we wanted to do something different.

A lot of hockey teams are where they have ice. Not our hockey team. It's going to be in a desert. Completely uninhabitable. But for some reason, there's a giant city here. We just kind of plopped it down. We call it the Golden Knights. Where's Levi when you need him?

Levi Maestro could have sold that. For sure. It's a hockey team with a logo that most college teams seem to have. Yeah, what's the deal with that? And people, someone sent me a picture of that logo and Magneto. And they're like, someone's got to tell Magneto he's the new mascot. Also, it's not a knight. It's a Spartan head.

Yeah. It's not a knight at all. Just like senators. Yeah. It's a centurion, not a senator. Senators are not fighters. They're politicians. It's funny.

Centurions are the guys that go to... It's funny, though. Part of me was like, hey, yeah, you're right. And the other part of me was like, whatever, nerd. Who cares? It's cool. And the hole is a V. That's clever.

I didn't even notice that right away. There's a lot of lakes in Los Angeles. There's a lot of jazz in Utah. We don't even get this right. There's a lot of jazz in Utah. If you asked me to associate any city in the United States with jazz, Utah would probably come up last. Whether that's actually correct or not. I don't even think you could put Utah on that list.

No. I think that they would find that offensive. The Utah Bunch of Wives. Not as appealing of an answer. What else is famous in Utah? What else is famous in Utah? You can't call them the Bunch of Wives. You can't call them the Carl Malones.

Because I remember Carl Malones. They should call them the Carl Malones. Or the John Stockton Shorts. The Olympics were here on mountains on their logo, and it says jazz. What are you doing? By the way, I don't even think... The Buffalo Sabres! There's no swords.

Utah is so conservative. They gave up on the whole sword thing a long time ago. Utah is so conservative that I don't even know if jazz music's passable there. It is a very conservative place. But the nicest human beings you'll ever meet are in Utah. I'm just saying. I've been to Utah, and the nicest people. Literally the nicest people.

Sure. I still think Bunch of Wives is a better, it's a good idea. Isn't that where all the reality shows are? In Utah? and counting whatever and counting 19 kids and counting and sister wives

sister wives I thought or do I just assume no I they're Mormon but I think he's a sect of Mormon but I'm not really sure I don't know watch enough sister wives

to be honest don't answer that they should have been the Colorado Nordiques yes yes hey what is a Nordique by the way do we know

Nordic person a northern person something well that's fair I literally made that up Adam I don't know it makes sense can you look that up Jesse

I would like to know is that something we actually need to know can we know what Nordique means because I've never known. So, name, tacky. But whatever.

Jersey. Logo, cool. Jersey, we don't know yet. I think it's going to look a lot like the Team North America one. If they make it black, if they make it black,

I think it'll be cool. But if they go with some weird, because isn't red one of their colors? Yeah, and there's a bunch of yellow in there, so I'm afraid they might look like early 90s Pittsburgh Penguins. Like,

how could they not make their jersey gold? They're the golden knights. But if they make it, like, black and gold... I hope it's, like, a real gold, too. I hope it's a real, like, a deep gold. Because, like, penguins kind of flirt with gold a little bit, but it's mostly yellow, because that's really their city colors.

Steelers, pirates, penguins. Now there's going to be a fight. But a real deep gold would be kind of cool for them, because it's Vegas. You want it to be glittery, baby. Like, spirit fingers. Let's do it. Should there be sparkles on the jersey?

Hell yeah. Absolutely. The sparkles. It's got to be a little tacky. The logo should be made of rhinestone. Then I'm okay with it. Bedazzled jersey. And Steve was right.

Quebec Nordique is a northerner. There you go. There you go. Canucks, Canadians. Canadians are not Canadians, though. What are they? They're habitants. They're the original settlers of Quebec from France.

That's why it says CH. I know that part. so I'm going to go with Pikachu's would be that's like a top half NHL name but they're also black and gold

Pittsburgh already has that market corner so you can't maybe you go gold and black and you look like you look like early 2000's gold dust

here's what's going to be fun you ready for this his theme song should be their goal horn they should have they need to have a survivor series with the Preds

Sabres Penguins and Golden Knights there you go And the Bruins. And the Bruins. Bruins special guest referee. You have to figure out who's playing.

Make them all wear their home jersey. I don't know what's happening. Who do I pass to? Just a five-way hockey game. I think their road jersey would look cool if they looked like the white ranger from Power Rangers. Because he had them. Oh, yeah. It was mostly white, but there was black and there was gold.

Tommy. Wasn't that Tommy? Formerly the Green Ranger? I thought Tommy was the Blue Ranger. Or is that Billy? No, that's Billy. Billy. Jason is the Red Ranger.

Jason's the Red Ranger. Man, I'm all over this. I'm all over this. Who's the Pink Ranger? Kimberly. Yellow. I think, I want to say Tanya? Did it start with a T?

I don't even remember. I'm asking you. Ugh, I think it's Tanya. Okay. I might be wrong. That might be second gen, too. You never know. Hey, by the way, we...

Zach was the Black Ranger. Zach! Zach! All right, we've got to wrap it up on Sportsnet 590, the fan. We just wasted an entire segment Look, I need to know if I was right What was the Yellow Ranger's name? Yellow Ranger, oh god, okay

You gotta give me a second Alright, I'll get in our sponsor thing right now This podcast is brought to you by Panago Pizza It's what's on the inside that counts Literally Google who was the Yellow Ranger Who was the Yellow Ranger? I'm getting so upset This is important, we gotta go to commercials here, quick

Trini, Trini Oh, that's trading Kwan. Trading Kwan. I'm so close. I almost got them all. Whatever. Oh, they decided a championship in a shootout? Didn't the team who won have zero shots on goal?

Three. They had three. TFC had 19. Oh, wow. Like, okay. Three shots on goal. What sport was this? This would be foosball.

It's impossible to not sound like a sore loser because we're all from Toronto. I hate it. I hate it so much. That is a... That's just a really silly way to decide a... That is soccer, man. No, it's not. It's stupid. In FIFA, they do that.

You change sports all the time. Change this. It's stupid. It is stupid. Would you like the Stanley Cup to be awarded in a shootout? No. Imagine. One, that's because you like hockey more than soccer. Yeah. So you don't want the sport you like most to be decided by a shootout.

No, of course not. Listen, I'm not saying it's stupid. Believe me, I don't like it. Adam, I'm being your therapist here. The shootout's stupid in every sport. I'm not defending it. I'm just saying that's what they've always done in soccer. so good luck

getting a purist to not NBA final goes to overtime game 7 at the end of the first overtime free throws

it's a tie free throws I agree I agree completely slam dunk competition besides the NBA fucking Raptors

would have won 20 years ago it would have been nuts it would have been fucking McGrady Vince Carter McGrady

Carter couple years later Jamario Moon wins NBA finals MVP for soaring to the moon Mario Moon

by the way it's a fucking joke Wizard not a good NBA player he was just he was just a guy no he was just a plug

like soccer here's the thing soccer's the most popular sport so you can't tell them shit yeah you can't tell them shit their game is the beautiful game and it's perfect

you can't change it I'm staring into the camera that is a carnival of a way to decide a championship and it's a joke it makes the sport look stupid yep there it is

agreed How can you say that I just said it Stupid I don't disagree The shootout's dumb It's a dumb way To decide a championship

It's a dumb way To decide a championship It's a dumb way To decide a championship Stephen A. Bayless Fuck you and your stupid shootout Stupid way to decide your sport I'm so happy

I don't care about soccer Oh I don't care either No I want to care about soccer It's so great I want to care But I see that And I'm like really And okay

If Toronto won Really I'm supposed to get excited That they won that shootout That guy kicked the ball Into the fucking Barn sized net Against a goalie

Who has to stand on a line He can't even cut out the angle Fuck you The shootout in soccer Is so stupid And you're so close too Yeah You're so close

It's literally taking It's like trying to dodge A shotgun bullet From fucking ten feet away Have you seen that video Shotgun spray Have you seen that video Of how they used to do

Penalty shots In MLS No In like 95 The player would get a running start And the goalie was allowed to come out And everyone's like Oh, this is so stupid

I'm like, that's closer to soccer Yeah, so it's one-on-one Yeah It's like your battle Also, it's still stupid It's like soccer, Jesse You know what? It should be called the kickoff

That's all you're doing is kicking You're not playing soccer You're not running You're not doing anything But kicking the thing So take the shootout It should be called the kick jump Because it's what both players get to do

One gets to kick The other gets to jump The NHL decides games by shootout. Totally. Why not the beautiful game decides games that way? The beautiful game does it. Not this barbaric thing called hockey. Of course, they're still in the Stone Ages

with their ice and socks or whatever. I'm trying to think of stupid things. Where do they put the ice in their socks? I lost it there. I'm enjoying it. I'm enjoying it. I'm just letting it happen. I just hate it.

It's so stupid. Here's the thing. It's foolish. Steve said he didn't care. Clearly you care Okay it's Wimbledon It is tied So it's just who has the hardest serve

Now we're just gonna set up a radar gun And that's how we decide Wimbledon It doesn't go to like Advantage or love or whatever the fuck Deuce What about golf Longest drive Tiger Woods vs John Daly every year

No it should be best chip So that's as ambiguous as possible. Like, let's make this as controversial and bad as possible. Ready? You leave Augusta, and you go to the nearest mini-putt course, and you figure it out there. No, that's too close to golf. You tap the ball.

No, you tap the ball to Abe Lincoln's moving legs, and that's how you decide. Oh, you're right, Jesse. That's too close to golf, so you've got to drive it. Yeah. You've got to drive it. Fastest golf cart driver. You go to the nearest Denny's, and you do a crossword,

and that's how you decide it. Who can shotgun a beer the fastest in their golf cart? John Daly would be the biggest one of all time. And there would be reviews after like, no, this still has beer in it. This still has beer in it. No, the hole you dug with your key is way too wide. It's too much of an advantage.

It has to be an official that digs the hole in your can for you. If a curling match is tied at the end of, what are they called? Ends. Ends. At the end of the intent end? Loudest scream. Hey! And they measure the decimals.

No. Who brought more fans? Oh, that's a good one, too. I said, who brought more fans? Who brought more beer? That's all curling is, by the way. Not fans, I said fans. Who brought more fans?

Who brought more central Canadians? How many Albertans do that? How many Albertans and Saskatchewans do that? How many central Canadians in parts of Ontario that don't count? How did you break? Ontario's two provinces What else can I say To piss people off

Ontario is two provinces Are we going to decide Any more games It's It's It's Toronto It's No

Ottawa, Toronto, South It is Yeah It's Ottawa, South It's drivable Ontario And you have to fly there Ontario

Yeah Exactly Timmons Fuck off Or Sault Ste. Marie Eight hours Yeah

No Sorry And that's still Technically southern-ish Ontario I'm just pissing people off On purpose That's okay Point is, it just happens to be the most popular sport on earth, but who could possibly say that is an intelligent, fair way to decide, not just a soccer game, a championship?

I don't know if there's an argument to be made. I was merely stating that purists, because... Purists can fuck themselves with their dumb opinion. It's stupid. There's no defense of the shootout. You know what? I am not defending it. Don't defend soccer, because I'm not attacking soccer.

I'm attacking the shootout. Give me a good reason to support the shootout, and if it's good, I'll change my mind. You won't. But, I mean, go ahead. It's dumb. It's stupid. Give me other sports.

Rugby. Hardest scrum. You don't even have to come out of it with a ball. You just need to knock people over. I don't know about this sport. Dodgeball. Who can hit someone in the face the fastest? Lacrosse.

Lacrosse, longest scoop pass. Wow. Wow. We have in Canada, in the States they have Veterans Day. In Canada we have Remembrance Day. It's remembering the soldiers, past and present, who have fallen, past and present, who have served, who are veterans. Obviously, same idea. We wear poppies.

The Brits, Scots, Irish, they all wear poppies. It's to signify in Flanders Fields, which is the big poppy fields in Holland, I believe. I think it's a contentious issue with the Irish, if I remember correctly. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, because there was a rebellion there, too. We wouldn't like it in bed. Got a couple tweets last year like, hey! But we wear poppies, right?

Yes. Now, if you are a sports player, a sports player, a professional sports gamer. Alex Ovechkin walks up to someone at the bar and goes, hello, I'm a sports player. So, how do you signify that you also would like to honor the veterans, past and present? How do you do it? Maybe a poppy sticker on your helmet? poppy sticker on your helmet, that's good. What about a wristband? Armband? Something like that?

You could. It'd probably be covered up. Basketball or football? Oh, yeah. Totally, yeah. What if you're a soccer player? I suppose that still works. Yeah, right. Well, England and Scotland wanted to do that and did that until FIFA told them to stop doing that.

Do you want to know why? Because it's known as a... Because FIFA ruled. They had a commission on this, by the way. And it was ruled a piece of political regalia, essentially. And it was not to be worn. So now the big debate, apparently, is whether or not they're going to wear their poppy art vans and risk maybe getting suspended or getting kicked out. George Carlin had a really good idea about 20, 25 years ago or so.

I'm going to edit it a little bit so it's slightly less illegal. Please do. but we need to just make a list as a society, we need to make a list of people who just deserve to be kicked in the balls we really do who utters those words from their mouth

and is not ashamed of themselves as a man have you ever seen a sep bladder press conference yeah, he's a I'm trying to think of the words I'm allowed to say he's a sep bladder he is a personality

Yeah, his personality is as offensive as his name. Like, what are the odds Dick Pound was going to grow up to be a not-jerk? Dick Pound was not going to grow up to be the head of a charitable organization. Who would have thought Anthony Weiner couldn't stop showing his penis? That's really true. We're living in the Matrix. Yeah, well, actually, I believe, what's hilarious about Anthony Weiner is he didn't even want to keep his own name. He was Carlos Danger when he was sending his penis out.

Oh, yeah. He wasn't even, he had his pseudonym. Carlos Danger is going to be a new selectable character in the new South Park game. Anyway, I just thought that story, that little tidbit was interesting. It's not good radio, but I just have my head buried in my hands. Well, that's good radio. You just described it. Well, there you go. I can't. I have no words. I have no words. How do you not just slap that person?

I don't know. And I don't know how you don't just keep wearing it anyway. And Sepp Blatter's got a bit of a bald head, so it would make that extra satisfying smack sound. And you just go kind of Nona on him. What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you? I don't think that would bring him back to the world.

No, but you don't even get extra ragey about it. You don't do it with anger. You do it with the fact that, what's the matter with you? You ask what's the matter with you with the context being, what's the matter with you? What do you do about a guy like that, though? Jesse, you wouldn't understand. You can't go mob boss on just regular people. Not mob boss, Nona.

There is a big difference. And by the way, Nona above mob boss. That's very true, but you're doing mob boss right now. No, I'm doing Nona. I'm doing Nona. And by the way, my Nona was a very kind, gentle woman. But she also wasn't my mom. Oh, yes.

You know what I mean? With guys like that, with guys who are like that. She had the Batarang, you know, wicker shoe. Yeah, anyway, sorry. With guys who are like that, is there a way to, like, they know, they know what kind of pretentious a-hole they should be. I don't think they do. Like, it's a Donald Trump, it's a Seth Blatter, there's a bunch of people you can name that are like that, right? Do they know, though?

You need to show up en masse like all the women in Iceland did and stand out the building. And they did the thunderclap. But what the thunderclap actually meant was, what's the matter with you? We're not making the same amount of money as you. What's the matter with you? You said we can't wear poppies. What's the matter with you? How are you running for president?

What's the matter with you? I don't think they know. Yeah. I think they're so up their own butts that they don't know. No, but it's on us to let them know. I don't think they're open to that. Yeah, they're not listening. I don't think they're listening, man.

But, what is power, though? I think there's some ables that can't be changed. What is power? People listening to you. That's power. People who take your word to heart and believe you. Power is given, which means it can be taken away. I just think there's a lot of people out there that can't.

He's the president of FIFA. He's not Vladimir Putin. He's not some army general. Well, being the president of FIFA He's a soccer guy It's like being the general of soccer What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you?

You slap him with a big rubber poppy You just get a big rubber poppy? Are there any animators Among our listeners Who could animate Slap him with a big rubber poppy You get a poppy You get a stone-cold Steve Austin, by the way, right?

What? I heard you don't like wearing poppies. What's the matter with you? You get a big poppy, and you make it. You get a big can of whoop-ass. You get a big can of whoop-ass. Poppy whoop-ass. A beer.

Two beers. A whiskey. What? A cheeseburger. What? Another beer. What? Poppy.

What? Make it out of rubber. What? Stick it right up his stupid name having. Can I get a hell yeah? A hell yeah. No, you make a poppy. You make a poppy out of that material.

Remember those rubber hands that you would just go and huck it at the wall and it would stick to the wall? Yeah, you get like a foot-wide poppy and you make it out of that material and you just slap him with it and it sticks to his bald head. And after it makes that sound, you go, what's the matter with you? There is something oddly satisfying about Sepp Blatter being hit multiple times, assaulted with a rubber poppy. where a sticky rubber poppy object remember that video

of the dude who threw cash at him there's a dude who threw cash at him he like made it rain on some bladder no oh my god

it's pretty great he just threw my cash did he pick it up no security I'm surprised oh my god one of these small bills

he shoved it into his g-string are you kidding me what's the matter with you this is a man this is a man who took bribes on everything FIFA did. So, I mean, allegedly.

I mean, so it's a... It wouldn't shock me if he picked up a few of the bucks on the way. What's the matter with you? The new motto of the Steve Dangle podcast. Oh, he's got a bunch of money. Oh, wow, the guy's wearing a very nice suit, too. How do we look up this video?

What do we Google? Set bladder money is the first thing. Well, security at this event sucks. He's just standing there talking. The guys are like, oh. Wow, right over him, too. It's like a Lil Wayne video. See what I'm talking about with his head, though?

You just slap and it sticks there a little bit because it's made of that sticky toy material and just, what's the matter with you? Apparently the security sucks so you can just walk right up. You would still have like a solid 20 seconds before anyone did anything. You should definitely know this already, but if your kids are listening

this is the time not for them. Turn it the fuck off. why were they listening this entire time this might be this is listen we've explicitly marked

this podcast as explicit this doesn't sound fun okay anyway just do it I'm gonna what's the author's name again uh E.L. James

E.L. James me me me me me testing out the voice before I know it he's got both my hands in his vice-like grip above my head

and he's pinning me to the wall using his lips his other hand grabs my hair and yanks down bringing my face up and his lips are on mine my tongue tentatively strokes his

apologies folks my tongue tentatively strokes his and joins his in a slow and erotic dance his erection is against my belly. I do remember. I specifically remember saying that before.

I think that might have been pre-Jesse. The look you just gave me. In case you missed it, folks, before that commercial break, I said his erection was against my belly. This is the next one. Act two. He leans down

and kisses me. His fingers still moving. rhythmically inside me. His thumb circles. Steve, Steve, we really need you to. This is a bestseller. Can you just get through this?

This is a movie? This is a movie. It's not really a movie. It's like a collection of really badly acted scenes that didn't make sense. It's not a movie. With an Ellie Goulding song.

That's what we got out of it. And The Weeknd. Really? Yeah, and there's a Weeknd song. Worth it. Oh, yeah, that's right. Earn it. Darn it.

I was also confused about that for a long time. He leans down and kisses me, his fingers still moving rhythmically inside me, his thumb circling and pressing. His other hand scoops my hair off my head and holds my head in place. His tongue mirrors the action of his fingers, claiming me.

I want to be claimed. Will one of you claim me? Can I be claimed? absolutely not I'm a married man Adam his tongue nope sorry my legs begin to stiffen

as I push against his hand he gentles his hand so I'm brought back from the brink I come instantly again and again

falling apart beneath him and then I'm building again I climax anew calling his name Hockey Night in Canada oh my god well done

now lastly before we get to the press conference these books are a fucking mess that was ew I didn't like that

no you didn't like that? no it was gross who would read that? it was what was the grossest word there? Rhythmically? Might have been rhythmically.

I love that she, in her own book, can't say, like, climax. She said come. Oh, did she say that? Yeah. What did she say again? It really comes out of nowhere. What word was it? Yeah, at the end.

Right at the end, she said. What word was it? I come instantly again and again. Wow. Falling apart beneath him. Then I'm building again. Ellipses. I climax anew.

calling out his name sorry that was that went from Bob Cole to like Guy announcing scary alien movies

from the 40s Jesse they come from another world now now before we get to the press conference Jesse

you have been here the majority of the length of that this show has existed you've been here longer than you haven't there there was a time

are we sure yeah for you've been here for two years okay the show has been on for about three and a half

Okay, okay, so barely. Nah! Counts? Yeah. Now, because it was Steve and I. It was just Steve and I for a little bit, too. Now, there was a time in the long ago that a story was told.

A story about Buffalo, about Steve, and about Jeffler. Oh, no. Why are you bringing this back? I was here for the second telling of that. Were you here for the second telling? Well, I figured we should bring it back to the first.

I thought we should. See, Jesse thinks that was the second telling. Dude, there's like seven or eight of them. There's seven pages of it. I had to go back to page six to find this. Do you want to know how Steve and Jeffler once hung out and spent a weekend in Buffalo? I do. Do they buy winter classic jerseys?

I'll tell you. Happy birthday, Jeff. Dangle smiled at his boyfriend, Jeffler. So wait, is this the old one? Jeffler blushed. He was still getting used to dating the man of his dreams. Is this on Tumblr? It's still on Tumblr.

Thanks, Stevie. I'm really excited since we're in the States and we can go clubbing. Jeffler exclaimed. Jeff's going to hate me for this. Sorry, man. Jeffler and Dangle were in Buffalo on a Black Friday shopping trip. They wanted to buy new erotic toys to experiment with. Because when you buy erotic toys, you get them on sale.

Jesse, here's what's extra fucked up about this. This is loosely based in reality because I had just recently gone to Buffalo with SL on a Black Friday shopping trip. No, it wasn't Black Friday. We just went. I think we just went. It might have been Black Friday. I don't know. But we went there shopping.

And so they're like, okay, I'm going to edit this to be Jeff. Did you get any hot deals on experimental toys? I'm going to edit this, instead of SL it'll be Jeff, and instead of they go and have a nice dinner at the Olive Garden, it'll be, anyway. You really need to hear this, because this is part of the foundation of this show, I think. Jeffy, get ready so we can go then, Dangle whined. Jeffler laughed and went to his room. Jeffler couldn't decide what to wear to the club, because he wanted to impress Dangle. He finally decided and left his room.

When Nagle laid eyes on Jeffler, he thought his grin would split his face in two. He was breathtaking by the sight of Jeffler. What are you gawking at? Jeffler flushed. Dangle didn't realize. Yeah, when I see Jeff enter the room, the song starts playing in my head. Baby, this is what you came for. Dangle didn't realize that he was staring.

He strikes every time he blogs. And everybody's tweeting him Sorry Dangle didn't realize he was staring Sorry, I just He trailed off when Jeffler started walking towards him He trailed off the way He trails off when he's trying to explain picture-in-picture television

He looked at Jeffler puzzled Jeff snaked his arm around the small of Dangle's back Dangle bit his bottom lip and looked at Jeffler lightning strikes every time I love that Jeff calls you Dangle in this by the way Dangle stop biting your bottom lip you know what makes me want you even more

Jeffler said seductively a wide grin spread across Dangle's face we should just skip the club he winked Jeffler shook his head no I really want to party it up I am finally 21 Dangle groaned

And we said to each other, and we ain't even going to make it to this club. 45 minutes to get all dressed up, and we ain't even going to make it to this Buffalo club. Now, Dangle groaned. Groan for me. No. Groan for me. Like, Dangle groaned like, oh. Oh, oh.

Not like that. Dangle climaxed for me. Dangle groaned. Oh. But then, he had an idea. He pulled Jeffler by the waistband of his jeans. to the edge of the bed and sat down, leaving Jeffler standing.

Dangle, can't this wait? Jeffler whined. Dangle giggled and looked up at Jeff. This will only take a few minutes. He sat as he stood. Which, I said the first time, is cocky. That's very cocky. I'm confident in my abilities.

My skills are so good. That's me going, you know what I'm great at? Oh, this. Dangle giggled and looked up at Jeff This will only take a few minutes He said as he started undoing Jeffler's belt He slipped his hands into Jeffler's jeans and boxers Jeffler wears boxers

And then pulled them down to his ankles Leaving Jeffler exposed Jeffler wears boxers But I'm confident he'll be brief Oh Wow This is where it gets really explicit

So I really hope your kids are not listening No, we're past that We're at least ten minutes past that. Dangle licked his lips at Jeffler's growing... Yes. Jeffler's look of confusion faded as Dangle brought his head in for a taste. He swirled his tongue around. As Jeffler moaned and pushed farther into Dangle.

Humbler's fucked. What the fuck is the matter with Humbler? This is my favorite quote. Dangle, this is great. Like a hamburger helper that you got in the mail. This is why this is so funny. Your character commentary on this is so great. I don't want to know if this is going to happen in real life.

I didn't get on it. I don't think so. Dangle, this is great, he said, stretching out his last word. But we really have to get going. Clubbing in Buffalo. As soon as Jeffler said that... What was the word you used with Bob Cole? Climax

Anu Oh, Anu He climaxed Anu Dangle cleaned it up Oh, how did you clean it up? Well, the way you clean things up They get a little too explicit here You know, back in the day

I read this word for word But I can't No You're on breakfast television, sir He grabbed Jeff's face And brought it close Jeff Here, here, here, wait

Wait We do need to wait for something for you to finish this, okay? Okay. It's coming. It's coming. Steve's got a YouTube video coming. So is Jeff, evidently. But...

So is Jeff. So is Steve. Okay, I don't know when this video starts, so... Okay, continue reading. Jeffler, I just want to make sure you have the best birthday ever. Dang, I'll admit it. You have no idea. How great it's been, Steve.

Jeffler smiled at his boyfriend. That's too much. Thank you. The music makes him creepy. Dangle. Don't stop. Don't stop, or is that part of the dialogue? Dangle.

No. Part of the dialogue. Dangle blushed. You're welcome, Jeff. He hesitated. And this is where it gets big. I love you. He confessed.

It's already been big, Adam. Yeah, but he confessed. It grew, and it's been big. He just said, I love you. He confessed it. Wow. Thank you, Steve. The big L.

After the big O. Jeffler contemplated this for a moment and then he smiled. I love you too, Steve. Finn. That's the end of the story. Now, if anybody's been

traumatized by that... I just want to be the blogger you like. That is called Dangler OTP. Or no, LoveYouDangler. Tumblr.com

if you want to check it out. There is a bunch of stories. Oh, yeah. Tumblr's fucked. And just for the old school listeners I did that for you Because the first time we did that We almost didn't get through it

A long time ago Someone was like You should tag all your stuff on Tumblr With Steve Dangle Because if people look up Steve Dangle They'll find your stuff So I went okay So I've been doing that

So every now and I mean all the time I search Steve Dangle on Tumblr Because I want to see what people are saying Maybe they thought the video sucked Maybe they thought it was good Maybe they thought the podcast was good Maybe they thought it was bad

maybe they had to comment on something maybe and I came across this the other day Anonymous said alright I know he's not a hockey player but am I the only one who would ride Steve Dangle

through the mattress which is through the mattress damn damn that's damn your interest was peaked

just because damn What a way to say that. I've never heard that that way. And then it made me go, is that how girls talk? Yes, absolutely. I would ride Justin Timberlake through the mattress.

Listen, men and women are both crass. Let's just put it out there. No, I know that, but I don't know the lingo. That's far more creative than any man would ever come up with. I'll put it that way. The way men talk, it's like bleh.

Ride through the mattress? That's like Futurama death by snoo-snoo stuff. It's good stuff. First you will be made love to by the beautiful women And then the large women And then the very large women And then the large women again Sorry

This is nothing to do with hockey But I'm bringing it up anyway Because we brought it up on the show yesterday And it was hilarious And Jesse, God bless him for finding this So Steve, do you wear a watch? No You don't wear a watch

Jesse, do you wear a watch? I am wearing a watch right now I normally do I'm not wearing one today But I normally wear a watch How would you feel about a watch that doesn't tell time? that's a wristband that's called a wristband

or Steve is it representative of your commitment to following through on projects that you commit yourself to and also a piece of art what the fuck are you talking about

let me introduce you to and this is his real name Levi Maestro of Los Angeles California Levi Maestro has never had a non douchey thought in his life Levi Maestro of Los Angeles, California. Levi Maestro is made up. Levi Maestro is the new kid in town on Gilmore Girls.

Levi Maestro is the new South Park villain. Levi Maestro is definitely the new artsy kid in Hey Arnold. Levi Maestro is a made up fucking name. No way. Levi Maestro has a Kickstarter campaign and a two minute video on why you need to buy and support him, $40,000 support him, for the Infinity piece. Let me run through it with you.

Time is irrelevant when you're dedicated to what you love. That's what I believe, and that's why I created the Infinity piece. A watch with no clock. It's art, and for those who have heart. See, I'm really into watches, but not for keeping track of the time. Time is the most valuable thing we're given,

and it's best spent on the people and the things we believe in. I began this design with the intention to communicate that when I give my heart and my word to something, then my energy, my love, my mind, and of course my time become infinitely dedicated. In 2009, I began documenting my life in a series called Maestro Knows, which took... This video should have started with, do you feel like your tattoo isn't expensive enough? Yeah. Here's a new piece of artwork from Levi Maestro.

So he's explaining... Levi Maestro, that's SmackDown's greatest new tag team. That's actually really good. Holy smokes! What I love about his argument on why you should buy this and what this represents is that it's a watch with no clock. It represents the fact that when I'm committed to something, I'm committed. All you need is soft xylophone music and you can say whatever you want.

Soft xylophone music. My friends told me to start this project as a dare. We wanted to see how many stupid douchey hipsters we could trick into giving us money. it turns out the answer is a lot so we're going to go ahead and continue to do that and you're going to fund our project asshole well here's the best part

now Levi has now gone from telling you what the watch is which is not a watch oh but sorry it is a watch it's a watch with no clock but it doesn't tell time which is called a broken watch no it's not even broken it doesn't have a clock

it has no arms nothing that would tell time it's literally just a flat circular golden surface I've had one of those, the Power Rangers. That's what it is! It's a medallion on your wrist that you summon a zord with! Now, let Levi tell you a little bit about Levi. In 2009, I began documenting my life in a series called Maestro Knows,

which took me around the world telling the stories of many amazing creative artists and global brands. Is he a YouTuber? Oh, for sure. In 2012, I founded Becom. and since then we've shipped several thousand orders worldwide all from our little base in los angeles several thousand i think what people choose to wear on their wrists this is where you get a guy to tell you how great this is very expensive very inexpensive brand it's all vain in this day and age and when i look down at my infinity piece it really reminds me of why i do

what i do when i found this watch it was really the embodiment of what design can be you know Design is about the functionality, but it's also and mostly about the meaning. I decided to make a Kickstarter campaign because I wanted to see my multi-year passion project reach its full potential. Raising funds will allow me to hire several employees who will be instrumental in helping B. Combe reach everyone out there who's as dedicated to what they love as I am. People like you. This campaign will also allow us to manufacture a special edition Infinity piece that puts our purpose in the spotlight. This version of the piece will have our model. When you're dedicated to what you love, time becomes irrelevant.

Engraved on the center dial, a unique take on our simplistic design. Only available here. Yeah, simplistic! So back our campaign. Here, guys, can you mouth some gentle xylophone music while I talk? Everyone has cars. There's cars driving around the city all the time. But when you need to get away from the hustle and bustle of the busy city,

If you need to get away from the rat race, you need something a little more simple to remind you of a simpler time. Introducing this new car with no fucking tires. It can't go anywhere. You just kind of sit in it. Look at it as a couch that's made of metal and is out on the street. But it represents your commitment. But it represents your commitment to spending money on dumb fuckery. Now, this watch, by the way, this watch, non-watch, retails at $150 American.

Oh. so it's a $200 watch yeah how much has the Kickstarter been funded it's believe it or not

10% so it's got about $4,000 which is that's how many douchebags and by the way when you buy the watch

for this particular campaign and this is a one time only deal it'll say engraved on the part where the actual watch should be when you're dedicated to what you love

time becomes irrelevant we have invented a fork with no prongs. You can't pick anything up with it. Now, you might be saying to yourself, isn't that just chopsticks? No, it's chopstick. You actually can do anything with it

unless your food is real sticky. It might be a spade, more of a spade. It's a paintbrush with no bristles. With your imagination. When you're really dedicated to painting, you don't need to paint at all. No, he's got, you know what? It's no painting, just that awful dragging sound of wood

that makes you have a weird tingly feeling in your teeth. It's a phone that can't make calls. It just kind of fucking sits there and is in your pocket. Now, apparently, Jennifer Lopez and Blake Griffin have both bought this. Blake Griffin of the Clippers. Oh, people who have more money than they'll ever know what to do with? And it was featured in Inked and Vibe magazine. Oh, fine.

Blake Griffin and Jennifer Lopez are absolutely... They absolutely have a guy named Levi Maestro in their entourage. Yeah. Levi Maestro is friends with Mugatu. For sure.

I have something first that I would like to play for you that I wanted to play for you last episode and I wasn't able to do so. Oh, I think I know what this is.

I'm a little concerned about this because I feel like and Jesse said we have to go ahead with it. I have a question though, first. Okay. Do you want to do this first

or do you want to check up on our favorite neighborhood? Oshawa? I don't know. You know what? We'll leave it to Steve. What do you think? Do you want to go know what's up with Levi Maestro or Libvitch? I think both.

I feel like Levi Maestro, then we get back into the Christmas spirit with Libvitch, and then we open some lovely presents. Levi Maestro could go one of two ways here. Because here's the thing. I worry with this that we're... Oh, boy. if you remember Levi Maestro

is the guy that had a watch that didn't tell time because if you're focused on what you love time shouldn't matter it says something about you it talks about your dedication I'm falling asleep

if you missed that podcast look it up now this video is interesting because it was sent to us by a listener and I worried I asked Jesse when I saw this I'm like, are we going after this guy personally? And if that's the case, I felt sort of bad. It's a podcast.

But Jesse said, no, we have to do this. We have to talk about this. What does bored Morgan Freeman have to say? That's kind of what he sounds like. I'm selling watches. So I am going to play for you a video. It is 2 minutes and 14 seconds long. We can stop and start.

But let it breathe a little bit here. Because I want you to understand what's going on here. All I want for Christmas is Mike Francesa watching Levi Maestro. So here we go. I am Levi Maestro, and I'm a creative artist. Pause it? This is the new term to... Already?

What happened to his voice? Well, hang on. It'll come back. It'll come back. Just let it breathe. Like I said, you've got to let this breathe. I am Levi Maestro, and I'm a creative artist. This is the new term to refer to yourself as a general creative person I am beginning to realize how important it is to never lose sight of The thing that you love the most or the thing that you feel you're most talented at And for me that will always be videos

A rare day in Los Angeles As last night it rained, it's so clear right now you can see for miles It's still a little gray over here because I think some more rain is coming But it's beautiful Who cares? If I did not have to carry a laptop around or a camera around, I would never use a backpack. Can you pause it? Who likes to have anything on their back?

It's like as they're making a speech, right? We don't ever. But it's like my backpack is me putting in work because all the things that I contain in my bag are things that I use to work and to make money. So I want to ask you. The video is called Levi Maestro Coastal Creativity. A lot of pictures of him skateboarding and taking videos of himself by the beach and talking about the forecast. What is this video about? I'll tell you what he reminds me of.

An exercise from drama class where you were not allowed to stop talking. I remember that. The way he talked. They give you a subject. You're at the gas station. I'm at the gas station And I'm filling up my car And maybe I'll go into the station

And get a bag of chips Chips are one of my favorite things To buy at the gas station And maybe I'll clean off my car While I'm at the gas station And you know that reminds me I should wash my clothes When I get home

And then holy shit Levi What are you getting to? How far into the video are we? You haven't said a damn thing So I want to That's why I'm asking the question He says something very important I want to ask you

And Jesse don't give this away What is this video about? Is it just about him, or is he selling something? I'm asking you a question. What do you think the video's about? At this point, we are 59 seconds in. All I could think the entire video was there's nothing in that fucking backpack. All right.

He is selling an empty backpack. So let's continue. And those are the things that we need to do. It's a backpack you can't open. To keep going. All I ever used to do the things that I really enjoyed in my life was a skateboard, a video camera and a computer so in case fit into my life in that way i just remembered it coming so did you hear it synchronized no i think i missed it apple computer and so oh

so we're gonna play that part one more time don't say it don't say it ready in case fit into my life in that way i just remembered it coming so synchronized with the apple computer and i thought that's very unique because i hadn't seen a pairing that i could remember that felt so obvious it was like oh if you're gonna have an apple computer and you're gonna have a backpack then you're gonna have an incase backpack what the fuck is he selling anybody had ever seen maestro knows they got one thing from it and that thing was motivation. It didn't matter if the kid wanted

to be a game or a show. Who is this guy? This isn't the same person who did the watch commercial. This isn't the same guy. This is his scene, Maestro. Maestro knows, which was his video series, apparently, that made him a YouTube star. He talks like someone doing

an impression of iced tea. Doesn't he? Let's continue. I want to play it one more time. So, in case... fit into my life in that way. I just remembered it coming so synchronized with the Apple computer.

And I thought that's very unique because I hadn't seen a pairing that I could remember that felt so obvious. It was like, oh, if you're going to have an Apple computer and you're going to have a backpack, then you're going to have an in-case backpack. So what's he selling? A laptop backpack?

Bingo! It's called a backpack, Levi! What the fuck? Are you fucking serious? Sell me a pencil next! It's an in-case backpack. And call it a hand-write thing! So sick.

Oh my god. We're gonna finish off the video. It's made of nothing but wood, graphite, and your own mind. This guy is a schmuck. Well, it took him 59 seconds in the video to even hit the fact that he was talking about a backpack. But we got to finish the video. Keep listening.

If anybody had ever seen Maestro Knows, they got one thing from it, and that thing was motivation. It didn't matter if the kid wanted to be a DJ or a chef or make videos just like me. They were motivated to go and pursue what they loved. This time around, I'm really just focusing on self-discipline and making my stories where I'm happy with them and letting the rest be the rest. So I'm confused. Was that a vlog or a commercial for his backpack? That was a two-minute commercial for his in-case backpack. Called Coastal Creativity. Nowhere on there does it mark ad, by the way.

which I think you're supposed to do in the States however it is on the InCase YouTube page so I'm assuming that people just assume I'm trying to remember who was talking about it it might have been Joe Rogan or was it it was a comedian I think

I'm trying to remember who it was but it's basically people decide I'm going to make this person successful they don't like his products they're not particularly interested in anything they don't have this desire to buy them but they're like, fuck it, I'm team this guy

and they're gonna succeed goddammit, I'm gonna go to a Dane Cook show I'm not gonna laugh at a single joke, but I'm gonna yell and scream and cheer him the whole fucking time because go Dane Cook, go Dane Cook I'm one of the first guys to follow him on MySpace let's do it what is this cultural phenomenon?

well, and I think that leads me to this he's like a Kardashian who was never famous in the first place people just decided this he makes his living doing this shit apparently so

and that's why I think you're going to find this next piece of information interesting what the fuck you haven't even what the fuck yet it's a $500 backpack

guaranteed well I mean I think everything in case is pretty expensive I've had in case cases I've never had an in case backpack though what does that mean

in case in case is just the one they sell in the Apple store yeah that's all and that's why he's like he was like synchronized

he said MacBooks are synchronized with the case. I don't think they're synchronized. That fits so well with my MacBook. But he said synchronized, which I think is hilarious because the only reason people buy in-case cases is just because

that's the one that's there when you're buying your new laptop. Did you know that any 15-inch laptop slot fits a 15-inch laptop? I believe, though, synchronization is always an issue. Now, we're not done. Levi Meister owes me

lunch money if I ever see him. I can't believe people like this exist. We're not done. We're not done. And you're right. I think you make a great point about people that just decide, bingo, someone's famous. Because I looked up his Maestro Knows series. I don't see a whole lot of traction there.

Now, I could be looking at the wrong things, and he might reach out to the show and contact us and correct me, and I'm open to that. But here's what I do know. Levi, what do you do? That will be my lead. On FoxSports.com. Los Angeles based Filmmaker Slash personality

Levi Maestro Is creating a new Online series For Fox Sports Entitled The Maestro What? The series will be And this is

This is from 2015 By the way The series will be An adapted format Of Levi's current series Maestro Knows Which began in 2009 And features short film pieces

That entertain and educate audiences And the idea with this Is to bring it Bring you closer to the athletes So one video I looked up with Chris... Humphries? No, Love.

Cavaliers, Love. Kevin Love. Kevin Love. They have, basically, they're in Kevin Love's house, and he presents him with a piece of art that his friend made, and he's like,

oh, that's cool, and Kevin Love's like, oh, that's cool, and that's it. It's like a one-minute video. He got close enough to Kevin Love? Absolutely. There's actually a bunch of people.

Randall Cobb, he gets to hang out with a few other people, and the idea with this is that he's supposed to bring you closer to the athletes and take them out of their comfort zone. I just want to point out

Am I being a hypocrite? I just want to point out that Levi Maestro Did And still probably does Digital videos for Fox Sports 1 To put this into context Levi Maestro is now To Fox Sports 1

What Steve Dangle is to Sportsnet This is the thing, am I a hypocrite? Because, man, people comment on my shit That's so true People comment on my shit all the time How the fuck does this guy get Like, how was he allowed to talk to the Leafs? But I think the difference is, Steve, you had a following.

You had a following. It's not a huge one. Okay, but you had... Not by YouTube standards. And by the way, I love you all. It's not about the numbers. You had a YouTube... No, no.

You had a following. Yeah. You had a following. This guy was just some guy. He was a guy that made videos, but I'm not sure that he had a following. And that's my point in saying, I looked up Maestro Knows. I'm not seeing any numbers that suggest to me there was any legitimate following here. and the maestro no series it's like it's like vlogging in 2009 which was just it's just boring

like there's nothing going on i i you know what i would be fascinated to talk to this guy i would i would too because i can guarantee you i know you exactly how he is and i've met a few people like this in my life youtubers they're no no no they're not necessarily bad people uh they're not necessarily dumb they're not necessarily talentless they're just these people who waltz through life and they get everything. They get everything. And you go, how the fuck do you do it? Are they good at networking?

No, you're not even a good communicator. Does he have good ideas? No, they're all shit. How does he do it? And we sit here and yell and scream and then you're a hater. But it's like, I don't get it. I'm fucking flabbergasted.

I think those people are also ignorant to the fact that they have no skill. Oh, my God. He doesn't know himself that he is clueless to everything. I'll tell you what it is right now. It's kind of the beauty about him. It's like a confident Forrest Gump. A confident, not humble Forrest Gump.

It's somebody who's great at salesmanship. No! No, he didn't sell me that shit! Yeah, not in the videos, maybe. But it is very clear that somebody at Fox Sports 1 believes in him. Which is more than I can say for us. No one at Fox Sports 1 believes in us. Sportsnet does, thank God

Or in case we shout to him and they struck up a deal So I can't hate that on his behalf I have to say I don't think his content goes anywhere There's nothing about the first minute of that video that makes any sort of sense He's speaking in rhetoric

He'd be a great politician This is one of those mindfuck things I'm sitting here going, do I do anything? Do I do anything? Am I him? Am I just Canadian him? I hope not I think I work hard I think I make a bunch of shit

maybe I don't I wanted Steve to laugh a little bit more you told the robot that he's a robot and now it's just going around wiping his mind this is that scene from Rick and Morty what is my purpose you pass butter

oh my god I'm the robot that passes butter you made him aware and it's not good cybernet is aware It's aware. Self-aware. And now there can only be an explosion.

It can only be World War III. Listen, I don't want to go after the guy personally, because I think, personally, he's probably a really nice dude. Man, do your thing. Do you. If you can do it, good for you. I was mad when I thought he was just a con artist, but now that I know a little bit more about him,

I think he's just one of those fucking people who just... You're right. That's why he's so good at skateboarding. Just all the way through life. I don't get it. And he doesn't know he's doing it. He doesn't know he's doing it. That's the scariest part.

There's lots of people out there like that. And you know what? I don't trust anyone who... Listen, some of the younger folks listening right now, you might not get it. And as you get older, you're going to be like, fuck, this is exactly what Steve was talking about. I am untrusting of people who...

I cannot explain to you how they make their money. Me too. Me too. Very. So what do they do? my wife does this to me all the time so what do they do if I'm Elmer Fudden

after 30 seconds that's all of us I don't know what they do consultant I've had some consultants there's a lot of consultants out there I'm in consulting what do you do in sales

I'm in business you can't just say that what do you do I have friends in business and they tell me what they do and then I go and I tell people what they do. We're in business with this show. This is a business. Yeah.

I mean, we're in the business of media. We're in that business. I don't know what this fucking guy does. He's a vampire for sure. He's a content creator. He's a liver of blood. No, here's my favorite one. Influencer.

Oh! I have seen so many people who are not influential call themselves influencers online. You don't get to call you an influencer. People call you influential or they don't. You don't get to say that about yourself. You don't get that.

What if I say he's a videographer slash personality? That's fair. Is that enough to pin him down? That's a conversation starter. Oh! What sort of things have you done? And then maybe he can get into it

and go, I talked to Kevin Love. And then he says, I made a video for Fox Sports where I gave Kevin Love a prize or an art piece. of art a piece of art so i would ask him when i get asked every day i okay i work at sportsnet well you work at sportsnet yeah yeah how'd that happen and i tell them well it's this long process it starts in 2007 i would say i made this maestro knows and then they saw it and i told them about it and they decided to give me fuck i'm levi maestro

there's a path to his career i'm some schmuck i'm a consultant i didn't know it and Steve Dangle says I made these videos on YouTube and Sportsnet saw them and then I said hey look at this backpack that fits this laptop

perfectly you know what I got for Christmas self-awareness and then my dog got featured on the board at the ACC I bet people

what the fuck are you talking about Nike sent him to this why is this dog on the boards at the Air Canada Center he has he literally has

a recurring bit about him getting free shit and then free shit shows up? Who the fuck is this person? Oh my God, I'm Levi Maestro. You're Levi Maestro. And I'm not even as good.

I don't know how to skateboard. We need a t-shirt. No, we need a shirt that you can't wear. That's what we need. It's a shirt that you just kind of stapled to the wall. Except he doesn't talk like that. Who is this person? We should have a shirt that says,

we are all Levi Maestro. We are Levi Maestro. Is this guy my Tyler Durden? At what point do I realize you're just showing me videos of myself you haven't been sleeping lately

have you and you have everything from the Ikea catalog no you don't we are living in bike love let's not talk

about it now I wow I got a one of a kind thing I'm going to clip that the new intro

for the press conference is just Can't wait for Skrillex to make a song out of that. Follow the guys on Twitter at Steve underscore Dangle at Adam W-Y-L-D-E and at Jesse Blake.

The Steve Dangle Podcast. Brought to you by Panago Pizza. Order at Panago.com and stuff your face with deliciousness.