The Therapy Edit - Ask Anna- how can I be more assertive in my relationship?

Episode Date: January 13, 2025

In this Monday episode of the brand new Ask Anna series, Anna is joined by Dr Morgan Cutlip relationship expert, psychologist and author. Together Anna and Morgan tackle the following connundrum: " I struggle to assert my needs after years of being the passive/happy to go along one in the relationship. How can I be more assertive?"About MorganDr. Morgan Cutlip is a relationship expert, psychologist, and author dedicated to helping people build and sustain meaningful connections.With a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology, Dr. Cutlip specialises in providing practical tools and insights to navigate the complexities of modern relationships.Her latest book, Love Your Kids Without Losing Yourself, offers transformative advice for parents seeking balance and fulfillment. Learn more about her work on her official website or follow her on Instagram for daily inspiration and tips.

Welcome to The Therapy Edit. I'm your host, Psychotherapist and author Anna Martha. I will be bringing you bite-sized episodes twice a week full of tips, wise words from expert guests and insights to support your mental well-being. Hi everyone. Welcome to today's Ask Anna episode of The Therapy Edit, where each week I handpick a guest expert come and answer one of your questions with me. And the one that I'm well that we're talking about today and I think you're really really love it's all we're kind of going to be touching on people pleasing we're going to be talking about um kind of self-esteem and gratitude in our relationships and asserting our needs so there's lots of things that are kind of asked about in this ask kind of question and I have invited here today to chat with me

dr Morgan cutlip now we've had a couple of faths around with the time zone and there were a couple of times when both of us were sat at laptops, completely on our own. But I'm so glad that I have Dr. Morgan with me now. She is a relationship educator, a mom of two, a podcaster, and author of the book, Love Your Kids Without Losing Yourself. We need that. Like, we all need that book as parents. Like, isn't that just so needed, loving our kids without kind of losing ourselves?

So thank you for the work that you have. Thank you. I love finding your social media. You've been an amazing addition to my feed. And I think, as we've already set before, we hear, record our hearts are very much aligned. And there are so many different things that we could talk about. But I will stop talking and ask you how you are. I'm doing great.

It's just the beginning of my day here. So kind of just jump in. Yeah, my daughter's upstairs baking cookies. So hopefully she's good. But I just admire your work so much and your books. And you just, you've done. so much to help women and moms around the world so thank you for all you do and thanks for having me sure it's funny that you're just beginning your day and i'm just trying to get in that

saying of having just being a little bit calm i've gone on a walk and done all those things of when i pick my tired kids up from school um after talking to you so it's funny who's ahead of who am i head of you i think you're ahead of me i'm ahead of but i am not very intelligent when it comes to Nor am I. Hence the problem. Hence the fact that we've tried to meet up before. Isn't that funny that some people have already to live the day that you're setting out to live? It just plays my mind. Anyway, I'm just excited to hear your thoughts on this question. So this is the Ask Anna Voice Note for this week. Hello, Anna. Having worked on my people pleasing and mum burnout, I'm finally finding my value and learning to speak up.

But my question is about handling and balancing this in my relationship. I heard you mention this in a podcast that when you first met your partner, you felt so grateful. Maybe that's not the right word. And over time, you adjusted to assert your needs better. I struggled to navigate this after years of being the passive, happy to go along one in the relationship. Can you help? So there's lots there. What are your first kind of, what comes up for you when you hear that?

first of all. Well, I really, I really relate to Alice, and I guess you must have shared about this shift to you, but there was a shift in my own life where I realized, wow, like, if I am not going to advocate for my own needs, there is no one else who's going to do this. I was sort of outsourcing all of my needs, my self-care, all these things to other people. Once they offer it to me, then I'll take them up on it. And so I can really identify with her. I know what this is like. it's kind of scary to shift things in your relationship. And I think one of the first things that comes up for me as I'm thinking about this is that when you make a change as an individual in your relationship, inevitably, it's going to

require other people around you, hopefully, to make changes as well. So you don't have to tell them necessarily, but it's going to impact them and then they're going to have some sort of response to your change. And so something that was really helpful for me as I navigated this in my own marriage is that I just made my change known so that I could depersonalize it. You know, sometimes when we start sticking up for ourselves, asserting ourselves, asking for our needs to be met, it can come off the wrong way to our partners and those around us. So I remember having a really distinctive conversation with my husband where I said, I'm working on speaking up for myself. I have squashed my needs for years and then resented people for this. And so I'm making a change.

You're going to notice it. Please know you're not doing anything wrong. I'm just going to start speaking up more. And so expect it to happen. And please do your best to support me as I'm trying to make these changes and figure out how to communicate my needs in the right way. That's amazing, isn't it, verbalizing, verbalizing that and just putting it out there rather than, yeah, because when we change, it does.

It impacts the dynamic in the relationship where I remember just trying to be a bit more impulsive and just trying to be a bit more uncaring in certain moments. And my kids were on the beach and it was pouring with rain and they didn't want to get out of the seat and everyone else was running to the car. And I suddenly just, I took all my clout, not, didn't take my underwear off. And I just went in the sea with them. And it was wild. And it wasn't something I would normally do.

And I remember my husband saying, that's just not the kind of thing that you do. And I said, well, maybe I, maybe I do now. And I think sometimes when we want to change when we're trying to address things, it's, yeah, it's voicing it so that actually you can be supported in that as well. And it doesn't feel like a surprise. Like, oh, you wouldn't normally say that,

or you wouldn't normally ask for that. And actually just involving that other person in that change. Yes, because they'll try to sort of like, whether it's intentional or just, of this subconscious thing they'll start kind of try to pull you back into the old way of existing you like to sort of be in this homeostasis it's comfortable this is how we've always done things you've always been people pleaser you've always put everyone else first what are you doing so it is this shift that can be really helpful to just put it on the table and talk about it

so people around you weren't surprised they're not trying to kind of pull you back into your old patterns so I think it actually it's sometimes it's like the simplest thing actually the biggest difference and how we navigate some of these big changes in our relationships. What happens then when actually that change that you know you need to make is moving away from something that has really served that other person for so long? So, for example, that people pleasing part of you that has just suppressed needs in order to just sacrifice yourself for everyone else and that you've done that resentfully. And actually that's really served the other person you know they've had stuff done around them they haven't had to you know you've you've made

accommodations for everyone else and actually now you're asking rightfully so something of your partner in a way that maybe you hadn't maybe they need to step up to join you and you're basically saying you know I can't do this anymore I don't want to feel resentful I need you to step up and join me but actually what if then they that doesn't really they don't really like that that much, this version of you, you know, when the old version of you, it's actually really being quite great for them and quite useful. Yeah. And I think that that's normal if that happens. So if you're working on asserting your needs and sticking up for yourself and speaking up a bit more and your partner's like, I don't really like the new you, this isn't the time to

give in. This is a time to sort of kind of push through a little bit of that tension so you can come out on the other side. So I'll say a couple of things. I think one of the biggest is that ultimately when we get through it, our partners are going to be happier that we are happier and more pleasant. When we're self-sacrificing for everybody else, what usually ends up happening is that we start to get really tense. We get really grumpy. We get overwhelmed. We get snippier in our relationships. We're resentful. We are not interested in sex. there's all of these other sort of areas of our lives that this trickles into that makes us not as pleasant of a person to be around, not as wonderful and pleasant as a partner, not as

generous as a partner. And so, yeah, you might have to step up, but ultimately I'm going to be a better partner. We're going to enjoy each other more and attention that exists in our relationship because of all of my self-sacrificing is going to start to dissipate. So it's a almost like you have to push through this sort of this tense part of it get through to the other side so they can start to see some of the benefits of you speaking up for yourself more and advocating for yourself a bit more this is so helpful i heard someone say once um i think it was in a podcast and they said my husband has had five different wives and they're all me they were all me Yeah. And I relate to this so much. I am not the person my husband married.

No. And actually, he's not the person I'm married now. And in many ways, that's amazing. But along the way, that we've grown at different rates. And at times it's taken us, you know, we've married 15 years. It's taken us time to kind of catch up with these different versions of each other and kind of find our, find our footing where, quite where we stand with this version of you now. And, you know, ultimately, each version is kind of, we've grown towards. woods each, then it's actually been healthier and happier as a result. And I was writing about this the other day. I wonder what you all think about this. I used to be angry. If my husband was ill, it would create this range in me. And there was one point he, when I was so burnt out

after the pandemic, he had, he'd gone and played tennis because he just did things like that so easily. I'd just go and play tennis because he'd like playing tennis with his friends. And I'd find that hard. Like, how can he just do that so easily? And I find it hard to even justify getting out and a walk on my own. Anyway, he had his leg. He had an operation on his leg because he had an accident when he was playing tennis. And he had a spit in the air for weeks and needed help. He couldn't even get himself a glass of water, right?

Because he couldn't use his crutches and carry glass of water. So I was literally having to help him out with everything. And I remember them raged the resentment. I would frisbee him pieces of toast, like into the bedroom, like with us. Yeah, I was cross. And over the years, since I have started tending to my own needs, taking my space more, verbalising my feelings to have them validated, I have fun that as a result, when he's ill, I can extend empathy. And when I'm ill, I can ask to be accommodated for and support it. And it's amazing.

Well, I mean, I've actually posted about this before and it almost always performs really well because I think it's almost a situation. universal experience of when our partners are sick, we sort of get kind of ticked off at them for being sick, even though they can't help it or injured. My husband, I have almost the same story. It's kind of wild. But I think in part what those moments do is they highlight the dramatic differential between how, like, they can just sort of step in, take what they need. they take what they need. Whereas when we're sick, we sort of, I mean, usually like things like the house don't get taken care of. Maybe we get checked on. Maybe we don't. These moments highlight the massive difference between how each person does asserting their needs and getting their needs

met and who does what around the home. And so I think it's so true that when we step into owning our needs, asserting them, speaking up, we become less resentful toward everyone around us. And it goes back a little bit to what I was saying is that we really need to recognize and take ownership of how much we are outsourcing our own needs to others. We are relying on them to recognize them because we're good at it. We're good at noticing things, taking initiative, anticipating needs. People don't always do that for us in the same way. And we resist. them for it. And so how can we do this for ourselves, step into our own power, and start taking charge of some of these things in our lives and these needs in our lives that we really

need met? And just on a practical note, when I started doing this more, I had to sort of find my literal voice for expressing this stuff. So not just, you know, what I wanted to ask for, but how I delivered it. And I remember my husband once being like, you are not the point. person I married. And it was not in a good way. Like, that was not a compliment. And part of it was that I was being like extra assertive because it felt new. And I was kind of like, this is important. Take me seriously. And so we had this kind of navigate how I requested my needs to be met. And now we recognize on each other because he has sort of this assertive, we call it go mode, where you're like, I'm meeting something. We're in go mode. We're busy. We're kind of stressed.

where we have these voices that sound a bit more, I don't know, bossy, I guess. And so now we just kind of identify that. He'll be like, I'm in go mode. This isn't about you. Boom, boom, boom, boom. And I'll do the same thing. And also over the years, too, I've had to kind of know, well, sometimes I need to soften my voice when I ask for some of these things.

But finding the right delivery and getting on the same page with how our needs are going to be expressed to one another is going to be a big part of making this transition smoothly too. that's so helpful and really good advice for Ellis who is saying that I don't know how to navigate this after years of being the passive one and happy to go along with everything so it's yeah thinking about how are you communicating that what might that feel like and I wonder sometimes and I think I went through that that kind of transition as well where things might come out quite almost as if I'm expecting to have to advocate and fight myself yes I'm going in fighting because is I can't trust that I'm putting myself in this vulnerable position

of actually admitting my need. I can't almost trust that that will be met. So I'm kind of going in like fighting an extra overstating or just, yeah, with a bit of like, grr. When actually it probably doesn't need it. I love what you said about the go mode and just being able to identify that sometimes the way we communicate is just because we're in a zone.

So saying I'm in go mode, It's not you. I'm in go mode because it, as you said at the beginning, it's about kind of sometimes depersonalizing these, yeah, saying it's not about you. I'm just exploring this. I'm just learning. It feels like a big thing to do.

I'm going to get it wrong. It's going to come out upside down. Enabling that dialogue around that growth. Yeah. It's really important. I think something else, this is, this is stuff that I think I've found. in my community is almost like a universal thing that we need to dig into, but then it's also something I had to figure out my own life, which is that as I started asserting my needs,

sometimes I thought I was being really clear. And actually, I was being really confusing about how I vocalized my needs. So, for example, an ongoing argument in my relationship since I met my husband when I was really young. We weren't together the whole time. But even when I look back at our early dating years. It was the same complaint. But it would be like, as we got married, oh, I need a little bit more romance. And you'd be like, okay. And maybe he'd, I don't know, get me flowers or do something. And I'd be like, that's not really, that's not really it. That's not really what I'm looking for. And so it would turn into this conversation where I'd be like, I'm trying and it's never enough for you. You just need so much more than I do. So it's sort

of start to unravel to now where he's sort of saying things that are hurtful to me. And part of what we discovered along the way is that, like, I needed to be very clear about what I needed. And otherwise, I was setting him up to, one, meet the need in the wrong way and me complain about it and him get offended because I'm never, you know, satisfied. Or he wasn't going to actually be able to make the changes because he wasn't sure exactly what that looked like. And some people get a little bit, they push back because they'll say, well, if I tell him what to do, doesn't mean. as much. And I think we need to get over that concept. And we need to get very clear about what it looks like when that specific need is met. So when I talk to people, I'll say, imagine there is a video camera on the wall and it's filming this need getting met in the exact ideal way you want

it to be met. What does that look like? Now, speak that out to your partner. Give them a clear directive. This sets them up for success. It helps you get your needs met more often and helps to eliminate some of the arguments that come up around unmet needs. So good. So really thinking about what does it actually look like? What am I actually needing? And I think it's knowing that there is, they can't just look into a crystal ball and work out what there is. No one is a mind reader and we're setting people up for getting it wrong. But actually sometimes we have to do the legwork of thinking what is it that I need and that can be challenging if you've spent your life caring for the needs of others not even asking yourself that question so it's not assuming the

other person knows and also not making them do the heavy lifting of asking of knowing what that need looks like for you when you haven't even determined it for yourself but that's a question I think when you're addressing you know not being so passive and just going along with the relationship and having it kind of on their terms is just thinking what what does this look like for me what do I yeah what how do I see how do I feel loved how do I feel supportive yeah and as as women and especially as mothers you know we are just gosh we go so long with just back burnering our needs that they become really hard to identify and tap into and so I mean, for Alice, like that might be her starting point, is getting really clear about what she needs

before she starts jumping into making these changes in relationships. And there's shortcuts. I mean, there's deep work here to figure out your needs. But there's shortcuts. Like one shortcut is, what do you complain about the most? Our complaints, our windows into our unmet needs. So can she think about, you know, what is the thing she's like muttering under her breath as she moves through her What is the conversation, the angry conversation she's having in her head? These things start to help define what it is that she's needing. The other shortcut is how do you tend to show love to others? We love others in the ways that we like to receive love most often.

So if we can kind of identify what we're doing for others, it can be helpful as we think about what we need in our own relationships. Yeah, whether it's maybe kind of the physical touch, or, you know, the science. sidling at someone on the sofa or the little gifts or the I saw this and thought of you. And yeah, all the quality time or those kind words that are really encouraging. Yeah, I love that. Thinking about how do I love other people? Because actually maybe that tells me a little bit about what I need.

Thank you so much. This is so practical and insightful. And I think, yeah, just really empowering to take back the reins and take back that just keep some of that energy for yourself that often you have, you know, maybe for years just being pouring out and plowing out for other people and, yeah, navigate a new relationship. And it must feel alien and different and you're trying things out. And we always, they always come out wrong, you know, at points. And we're just imperfect people having relationships with imperfect people. and we're all just feeling our way through, aren't we? But thank you so much for your words.

Thank you for your work. I really recommend people look up your book. Love your kids without losing yourself. And does that, because I haven't had a chance to kind of dive in yet, does that also touch on relationships within them? Yeah, so the book is really about your relationship with yourself. And so I apply every principle that I talk about to how we relate to our kids. and then how we relate to ourselves as moms.

And so that's really the premise of that book. I have a book coming out in April on the mental load, and it's available already called A Better Share, and that is going to be a book, that's a book for couples. Amazing, a better share. Oh, the mental load. I think that's an often one, isn't it? That has so many, such a bone of contention in relationships,

and there is so much, it's unsaid, so much resentment, and being able to untangle that and find a better way forward that you're both. happy with is a real gift about to guide people through that. So thank you. Thank you so much for coming on. Thank you for having me. It's great to chat with you. Thank you for listening to the Therapy Edit today. If you enjoyed it, please do take a sec to like and subscribe so we can share the words further and wider. If you have an ask Anna question or an anonymous confession for the Confessions from the Therapy Room episodes, head to Anna Martha.com and click on the podcast tab to

submit. Want more? Grab a copy of my most recent book, The Uncomfortable Truth. Change your life by taming 10 of your mind's greatest fears or enjoy some of the video and downloadable resources on my website, tackling everything from burnout to driving anxiety. So until the next episode, goodbye.