The Therapy Edit - Ask Anna - I can't seem to make the tiniest of decisions

Episode Date: February 10, 2025

In this Monday episode of the Ask Anna series, Anna is joined by author and podcaster, Adrienne Adhami.Together Anna and Adrienne tackle the following connundrum: "I started this year feeling so pumped to make some really positive changes to my life. But a few weeks in and I'm feeling totally overwhelmed and just can't seem to make the tiniest of decisions. How can I move forward when I over analyse everything and always imagine the worst case scenarios that end up leaving me feeling paralysed."Adrienne Adhami is a leading well-being coach and keynote speaker, known for the motivational podcast Power Hour and the Modern Wellness Podcast.Adrienne is a sought-after brand advisor, specialising in well-being technology, strategy and innovation. She has delivered workshops and keynote speeches to brands including Apple, Spotify, Bupa and Range Rover. Her expertise ranges from achieving high performance to goal-setting and decision-making.Adrienne’s debut book, Power Hour, was published in 2020 and has since been translated into five languages. Listed as one of the ‘Top 25 Black Entrepreneurs to Watch’ by HSBC and UKBBS, Adrienne is a trailblazer inspiring individuals and organisations to reach their full potential. Decisions That Matter is her second book.Her new book, Decisions That Matter, is a manual to empower you to break free from indecision and make choices with clarity and conviction. The book provides the tools and insights you need to navigate these choices with confidence. Adrienne offers strategies and frameworks to help you make intentional decisions in a world full of distractions. Decisions That Matter is available to pre-order prior to its February 20th release now. You can also follow Adrienne on Instagram

Welcome to the Therapy Edit. I'm your host, Psychotherapist and author Anna Martha. I will be bringing you bite-sized episodes twice a week full of tips, wise words from expert guests and insights to support your mental well-being. Hi everyone. Welcome to today's episode of Ask Anna. And I'm really excited for this one, actually, because we're going to be talking kind of change. And I know we're kind of January is out of the way now. And but the thing is I think sometimes we look at the decisions we made the intentions we set and it's so easy to think right scrap them try again next year when actually there is so much value to be to be found in finding a way to make sustainable change because there is always a reason as to why we yearn to make changes in certain areas of our lives so today is going to feel really encouraging and equipping to maybe yeah just encouraging you to maybe just

readdress some of those decisions that might have fallen by the wayside. So today I have with me, Adrienne Adamie. Now, I was actually on her podcast not long ago, so it's a real joy to have her on ours. And we're going to be addressing the question, but she is a leading well-being coach and she's a keynote speaker. She is known for the motivational podcast, Power Hour, and the Modern Wellness Podcast. And her first book, Power Hour, was published back in 2020 and has been translated into five languages. I wonder if she's got all of those on her bookshelf. She's a trailblazer and inspiring individuals and organizations to reach their full potential. And then her second book, which I actually have in my hand, is called Decisions

That Matter. And it's all about making decisions in a world of endless choices. And did you know that we actually face around 35,000 choices every single day? And I know that this book's going to be an absolute game changer for those navigating that decision fatigue where you just feel overwhelmed and sometimes you don't even realise the decisions you're making. But Adrienne, she offers us clear, actionable strategies to help us make better choices, choices that really reflect who we are and where we want to go. And if you're someone who's ever felt stuck or paralyzed by the weight of decision making, this book is going to be the beautiful, gentle, practical nudge that you need to move forward with confidence and,

clarity. So welcome. It's lovely to have you. Anna, what an introduction. Thank you so much for having me. That's, that was great. Well, I'm so excited about your book because I don't even think we realize some of the decisions that we actually face each day and how, yeah, just be more intentional about them. Yeah, when you mentioned that stat, so 35,000 decisions and choices every day, it kind of seems like, well, how is that possible? But it's all, as you know, so much of it is unconscious decision-making. So it's kind of just autonomous, you know, going with the flow, saying yes.

And I think that's something that for early people that have read the book, one thing that a few times have been mentioned to me is this, oh, actually I hadn't considered that so many of the tensions that I, so many of the decisions that I make, are just automated. They're just saying yes too quickly, too often

and not questioning and not thinking about it because there's so many things to think about, you know, but often very overwhelmed. We've lived in a modern, world, it's busy, it's fast. So I think there's a combination of things happening. One is there's a lot of decisions to make. Two is we're not necessarily questioning them. And three is the pace at which we're expected to say yes or no, make a decision quickly, decide. Yeah. And I think, thinking what we always do, we tend to just fall back into that route of doing what we've always

done without questioning it. And I'm just thinking of like one decision that I'm trying to make. So my first thing that I was doing in the morning is my husband puts a cup of coffee on my bedside. table because he gets up really early. And I just go for that. That's the first thing that I drink in the day. And then I read that we wake up dehydrated. So instead of just making that decision without even feeling like I was making a decision, I now decide to drink like I drink like 12 sips of water. I don't know why it's 12 because I think that's like a full cup. But that tiny little decision that I didn't realize I was making that was probably impounding that like caffeine hit, just blasting my body straight from the off. And so,

swapping it with water. It's so small, but actually makes me feel so much better. Yeah, and that's a perfect example of, yes, it is a small decision. Okay, what's the first thing that you eat or drink in the morning? Coffee. Okay, no big deal. If it's once. But the frequency of a daily decision like that, a small decision like what to have for breakfast or whether to walk or whether to, you know, pick up your phone or have that coffee, if you just do it once, of course it's no big deal. But when we compound a small decision, or I'd call it a low stakes decision, every day, every week, every month, you can see how that can quickly add up to have a real impact in your life. Why, I just feel like a permanent little prune may be.

But you also talk in your book about those big decisions. And, you know, I love the fact that you've even got this kind of matrix to help you map things out a little bit. Because sometimes, again, these big decisions we make, they can feel so stifling that we can try and kind of dance. around them and avoid them and end up just kind of making them under pressure. So, yeah, it's just so so grateful. So thank you. Would you say that having written the book, your decision making process is like different or is it come out of the fact that that had already changed and you just wanted to completely share, share the love? Yeah, it's a great question. It's, I've become more aware of it, I suppose, but I think I've always been someone who's been quite strategic about

decision making. And that word, I think sometimes think, oh, strategic. But from a business perspective, you know, I'm an entrepreneur and, you know, work with businesses. And that's, of course, a word that you use and you think that's a positive thing. You need to make strategic decisions, you know, you can't just, well, just roll the dice and see what happens. You know, there's a lot of things at stake. So if we do that when it comes to business decisions, you know, organizations, whenever there's money involved, why don't we think about the decisions in our own lives in the same way? Because they're still going to have an impact. There's still lots of different variables and different outcomes and things at stake. And so,

So I think I've always been quite strategic and thinking about who will this decision impact other than myself or thinking about kind of consequences or outcomes. I think I've always thought in that way of kind of is there a backup plan? What's option B? I've always kind of been that kind of person and I've helped others do that as well. So whether it's friends or family members over the years, you know, if someone came to me for advice, I would just ask them 20 questions. I wouldn't say, well, here's what I think you should do? I'd say, what about this? what about that? I just ask them questions to hopefully help them figure out the decision.

And I think a lot of times when we're thinking about big decisions, you know, big decisions are things that are going to have lasting impact. They often feel as though they might be hard to undo, not always, but sometimes they can feel like they're irreversible. They might feel as though there's a lot of, yeah, there's a lot of commitment that goes into making big life decisions. And so as well as the fact that there's all these different variables, I think where people get stuck is they're looking for the right decision. They're looking for the one right decision. And it's this idea that there's one right decision and everything else is wrong. So if there's 15 options, which one's right, which house out of all the houses that I viewed, which partner,

which job. And actually, I think maybe from writing this book and from doing the research and looking at it for so long, I've realized that that's actually where we get stuck. There isn't one right decision ever, ever. And it's such a hard thing to get your head around because you're like, well, how can I ever have certainty that yes, this is the choice for me if there isn't one right choice. But I think in a way it's quite freeing because when you understand that if I make a choice based on who I am, the values that I have, the information I've got right now, my situation today, what I want right now. If you make a decision based on, as you said, some of the things in the book, then even if it's not the right decision, you can kind of change your mindset

around it and be like, regardless of whether it's the right decision in the final outcome, you can feel as though, let's make this decision right. Let's make this the decision that I chose. Let's make it right. And let's be, I suppose, more satisfied and confident with the choice. Oh, I love that. I think sometimes when you think about those sliding doors moments and, you know, I think, what if I went to a different uni or what if I chose different housemates and maybe my life would have mapped out, like wildly differently. But actually, and that's, that can make it feel a bit overwhelming. It can mean that there is so much pressure piled on many of the decisions we make because we think, well, this could leave me down a totally different

path. But actually, this is the one that we're on. This is where we're at. And it just reminds us that, yeah, I find it quite liberating because I can make a decision. And then there's always ways to reshape, re-root, make different decisions after that that shape where you're, and yeah, it kind of liberates you again. So I think, yeah, I think that's what I like about. your approach is that it's it's kind of like turning inwards as well and that's clearly what you do when you're asking your friends like all these questions is you're trying to empower them that they probably already know deep down where they're leaning towards when it comes to making the decision and applying perfectionism to decision making can often end up yeah with us just

done in there not wanting to make a decision at all so I love I love what you do and that kind leads us to this next question, this question from our listener about change, which I just know you're going to have some warm wisdom on. So I'm going to play this voice note now. I started this year feeling so pumped to make some really positive changes to my life, but a few weeks in and I'm feeling totally overwhelmed and just can't seem to make the tiniest of decisions. How can I move forward when I overanalyze everything and always imagine the worst case scenarios that end up leaving me feeling paralyzed? Wow. What a question. I've got almost got three, I feel like there's three different questions in there.

So I might have to ask you to play it again. Shall I dive in with my first thoughts? Go on then. So my first thoughts here are that this is kind of a universal feeling at the start of the year. So whoever sent this question, just know that a lot of people right now are feeling exactly the same as you thinking, oh my gosh, I had all these grand plans. I'm so overwhelmed. Where do I start? And like that paralysis that she's describing, is due to the overwhelm of it's almost, yeah, exactly where to start. You're just kind of standing there thinking which, if you've made maybe 12 goals for yourself, which one do I start with and how to get started? So you're not alone, a lot of people are feeling like this at the start of the year

because they've set so many things. Secondly, I'd say this idea, and it kind of goes to what you were saying before, about this feeling of kind of change and where does that come from? You know, why do you want to make change in the first place? Sometimes it comes from a feeling of dissatisfaction. It can come from a feeling of seeing other people doing something and thinking, well, maybe I should be doing that. And that's not always a bad thing.

You know, you know this. If you're envious of someone and what they're doing, it's not always a bad thing. It can be a signal that says, hey, maybe I want to do that as well. So it's understanding where the driver for change is coming from in the first place. If you're actually feeling inspired to make a change, that can be a good thing. But if it's coming from a feeling of lacking or a feeling of anger or a feeling of of maybe someone else is nudging you, you know, you know that can happen. Sometimes someone else is saying, well, you should really do more of this or you should really do more of that.

So that kind of change never happens and never sticks. I think it has to be from something that you want. So interrogate, why do you want to make this change in the first place? Remembering that's going to help you to go, okay, yeah, this is something that I choose, not because my mum's nagged me about it or my friend's doing it. It's actually something I choose. Then once you're clear on that, I'd say, don't try and change loads of things at the same time. That is often the problem. If I say to somebody right now, okay, what's your goal? How can I help you? You know, I've done so much work on goal setting, the science of goal setting. And they'll say to me, well, my career goal is this. My financial goal is that. My health and wellness goal this year is

this. I'm going to run this half marathon. And then my like, oh, my gosh. It's exhausting just listening, isn't it? Exactly. So much. Exactly. And I don't know when this became, I guess, in modern life, I don't know when this became kind of the norm, that it was everything, let's change everything and let's add all of these different areas.

So what I would encourage this listener to do is to choose one change. Just choose one change. Make that your goal. Make that your focus. Make that your North Star. And then commit to that change and accept that you're going to have some tradeoffs. Like every single decision has trade-offs good and bad. So you might have to ask yourself some of these questions,

like, what am I going to have to give up to make this change happen? And that's okay, be okay with it. Write it down, see it in black and white. If I'm going to have to give up this and this to make this change. Who else really is going to be impacted by this change? Are they going to be happy about it? Are they going to have something to say about it? How am I going to approach that?

But just be clear with yourself of like, who's this change going to impact? Have I think about all those things so that when they come up, you're not surprised. You're, you know, you're ready for it. You're not surprised by, by those things. And the listener also mentioned this worst case scenario. Now, this might sound a little bit paradoxical, but often people think about the worst case scenario

and it stops them from taking action. You know, it can, you're afraid of it. You're like, oh, that's terrible. I'm not going to make that decision. This could happen. It would be awful. Better just not do it. Let's just stay over here.

However, if I asked you to consider, okay, what is the worst case scenario? What does that actually mean? What actually is the worst case scenario? So let's think of an example. And let's say, okay, I want to start writing a blog. I'm going to start sharing my recipes online. What's the worst case scenario? The worst case scenario is people are really critical. Okay, so write that down. What else? The worst case scenario is I spend loads and loads of time and effort and energy on it and nobody reads it. Okay, write that down. When you write down the worst case scenario and you see it, the next question to answer is, what would you do next?

And there's two things here, because once you realize what you would do next, you realize it's not the end of the world. Your life is not going to end, even if the worst case scenario happens. And that might be quite a small thing. Maybe it's a bigger decision, like leaving your job or getting a divorce or selling your business. These are big life decisions. The worst case scenario, if you write it down and then you answer the next question,

what would I do next? You will realize that there will be another day. you will still continue, you'll do something. So that's quite freeing in itself. It's like, oh, actually, I would move there. I would apply for this job. I would reach out to friends. There's a next step.

Yeah, and whenever there's a next step, whenever there's a next step, it's kind of like, oh, actually, I can do this. I can make change. I can, you know, go for it because it'll never be the end of the world. I love that. And then sometimes looking back at decisions that we've made that actually weren't really ideal in retrospect and thinking that we live to see another day.

And actually maybe there were some amazing things that we learned off the back of it. And I think as you were speaking, one of the things, you know, when you're talking about that pressure of changing like 12 things at once, it's kind of saying that everything, there was no good area of my life.

Like everything was kind of wrong with me and I want to wipe the slate clean and be a different version of myself. And I don't know. I just think sometimes it overlooks the fact that we grow into different versions of our ourselves and previous versions of ourselves got us where we are now and some pretty great amazing things have happened, you know, along with the fact we might not have hit the goals

that we wanted to hit last year. We might not be where we thought we might be. But also to respect and honour the you that got through the challenges that you faced. And maybe, I don't know, it just seems when I look back and think, right, first of Jan, new year, new me, and actually you think, well, I'm kind of saying that the old me serves to go in the bin when actually there was some rather, she's worked pretty hard and she's fought through some pretty big things and maybe not made some great decisions, but actually has done what she can with the, you know, with the circumstances that arose. And yeah, so I think it, what you're talking about feels like a more human way of, and a more gentle way and a kinder way of approaching change.

it's like come on let's just look at one thing let's just and and that doesn't mean that you're foregoing all those other decisions or intentions or you're saying that they don't matter like they they can still be intentions and they can still be there but actually you're yeah you're going to feel overwhelmed but she was saying when you're just trying to do trying to do all of it how do you how do you feel when you've got a few different intentions and a few different goals and you're encouraging yourself to just look at the one like how do you feel about those other ones that are kind of, does it feel like they're sitting there on a shelf? Like, what do you do with them?

Because they're obviously important to you to have made them in the first place. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, I think when you said sitting on the shelf, that's exactly how I see them. So they're not discarded, they're not thrown in the bin, they're not gone forever. They're just there waiting for their moment. So rather than doing everything at the same time, I always think about which season of my life am I in right now. And you know at one point in the book I talk about different seasons.

not in, you know, terms of the weather or the months, but actually seasons of change, challenge, and growth. So if you're in a season of change, let's say we all have different seasons of change in our life. So when you become a mother for the first time, it's a lot of change, you know, like your lifestyle might change, your routine, when you start a new career, when you, I don't know, leave university, there's all these times in your life these are big moments of change. So that's not necessarily the time to make lots of big decisions,

take on new goals, because you're already having to navigate a lot. seasons of challenge, seasons of growth. So within these different seasons, I always think if I've got one goal and I'm working really, really hard on it, let's say the last few months over a year, actually, you know, writing a book. If that's my focus and that's my goal,

that needs to be the number one priority. It has to be at the centre. And exactly, as you said, all the other things on the shelf are still there. I'm going to get to them, but not right now. And I think if we could free ourselves

of this idea that the urgency of life, the urgency of life, the urgency of everything has got to be done today or it's got to be done right now or yesterday even. It's just, I don't know why. I don't know. I wish I'd live this way in my 20s because now I'm like when I'm training, this is going to take a lot. The training, I'm going to change my nutrition. I'm going to have to sleep more. I'm going to have to, you know, do some recovery stuff and like manage it around the kids schedules and, you know, the football matches and the swimming lessons. And it's such a big deal that I'm like, right, this is the focus. Adrian, you're training for

this marathon for four months. This is marathon season. So sadly, that's not the time to be going out, having fun, drinking. It's not the time to be. That's not the season. But then Anna, you best believe when the summer comes, I'm like, this is the season of joy. This is the season that kids are off school and I'm going on holiday and I'm having a glass of wine and I'm, you know, it's like I'm in that season. So I just go into each thing and, and as you said about hindsight can cast a harsh shadow on our previous decision. So if you're looking back, a season where you a tough time in your life so

you know I went through a divorce just before the pandemic that was a big season of change I mean the pandemic was a season of change for everyone suddenly yeah can you imagine like suddenly you're at home you're homeschooling I mean anyone who homeschooled their kids in a lockdown probably has like PTSD from that like I can't even look at the printer in the same way again thank you thank you oh my gosh

the overwhelmed just of that their schedule year four spellings wow so that was a lot you know just gone through divorce I was you know living in my house just with me and my son and navigating that it was so much change that was not the time for me to say what's the next goal

as you end like what are you going to do next? It was like no this is a season of change and it's going to be challenge so I think that's also important for people to consider timing matters when you're making decisions big or small look all the things going on and when there's a bit of a clearing of the woods

and there's a bit of space that can be the time for you to go this is the time for me to make a big decision if you want to Oh man I need you in my ear because I'm very ADHD right And I'll sit there one evening and I have a whole business idea And I will just want to do it there and then And I've done it before And much to my husband's frustration

Because it's just often so much more consuming in reality Than I actually think it is in my head So I'll start putting something in action This change having not really thought about it And the enormity of it will overshadow other things that are quite important. And then I think, wow, I never really realized how many things were entailed in this and when it was a little fantasy in my head. And so I think, yeah, that just sitting with that sense of urgency and thinking,

you know what, it doesn't, as exciting as this might be and as much as I might want this and it doesn't need to be done now. Where can I pop that? Is this maybe now not the right time? What does it actually entail? Who does it actually impact? What call on my resources to do this well is there in reality? And, yeah.

On the flip side, what I was just saying around when it's not the right time, there's also power in recognising when it is the right time. And as we kind of mentioned before, what are the other things you'll have to give up to do it? This is, I guess, very specific in the business world, but like I said, I love taking things from the business world and applying them to our personal lives and decision making as well. Now, if a business is making a big decision,

and they've got like six different things happening this year or this quarter, different project launches, different things going on. One of the questions to ask that the senior leadership team will sit down and say, what are the things that could detract us, detract teams energy, time, money, resources, away from achieving this one goal? Because the most likely reason that you don't achieve a goal is not because you can't do it, not because you're lazy, not because the idea isn't good, it's because of the pursuit of lesser goals along the way.

So you're distracted. your energy, your resources and your time are spread too thin. So if you said to me, Adrian, I've got this business idea. It's amazing. And I was like, Anna, this sounds incredible. This is, this is great. You have to do this. This is a big decision. You have to do it. It's not saying, oh, wow, once you realize all the things that it's going to take, don't do it. If it is the right time, I think knowing that actually I have to go all in on this, this decision is right. You know, it feels right. I've done thinking. I've done the analysis. I've got my intuition. And it feels right. And this is the right time. know that go with it and go like I said what are the distractions what are the things what are the lesser

goals the pursuit of that it's going to stop you reaching that big goal and then once you're focused on that one thing that is the season that is the time that you will make big change and that that decision whatever happens in the future whatever the final outcome you can have confidence in that decision it's so empowering isn't it and I think it just is an invitation to look look at our decisions in the cold light of day like look just really look at them see where your heart is with them see where your resource see where the bigger picture of your life and then to empower you to apply yourself to it and give it the space it deserves and and yeah kind of circling back to this person that this listener is who's feeling completely

overwhelmed with all of these like positive changes and yeah maybe just kind of writing them down and thinking which is the one that I actually really want to grab hold of and which other ones might have to sit on the shelf or maybe I just have to make them smaller so that they're not kind of taking so much energy and headspace. So oh my goodness, I feel like you've given us so much and it's it's a real prompt to go in to go and get a copy of your book because it is, you know, it's really practical but it's empowering and gentle at the same time and I think that's quite an amazing balance to get because it's I think the gentleness is the kind of It's the reality around it.

It's like, okay, so this is important to you. How can you be intentional about it? How can you make space for it? How can you really go after it? And, yeah, empowering people to kind of be more intentional about their decisions and recognize where those little decisions that they don't realize that they're making that may be draining them in some way or like my coffee and water, a little switch in order. You know, that actually those little decisions that are really, yeah,

that you can change now and it will make a big difference. So thank you so much for all that you have shared and your amazing words. And where can people find you? So do you want to tell a little bit more about kind of what you've got out there for people to access? Sure. Thank you.

And thank you for this conversation and for inviting me. I always love talking to you because you have such a calming way about you. Such a calming energy. It's so funny when you say your PhD, people think of people that are probably more my energy. but I always feel so calm when I just listen to your voice. That's probably why so many people enjoy listening to you. That's so funny because I was just saying, I get that a lot and I just say my kids and my husband would probably not have the same feedback.

Yeah, exactly. I think they get the wild, you know, yeah, part of me. So, yeah, so where people can find me, they can find me on Instagram, of course. So it's at Adrienne, L-D-N. Of course, the book, Decisions That Matter, they can find everywhere. They can find everywhere. books are sold and online. And if you're an audio person like me, because I love to listen. You know, that's why I listen to podcasts. I love to listen to books when I'm walking or running or

cooking. So yeah, I've recorded the audio book as well. So yeah, that's it really. Amazing. Well, thank you so much. Thank you for coming on and, yeah, empowering us. Thank you for listening to The Therapy Edit today. If you enjoyed it, please do take a sec to like and subscribe so we can share the words further and wider. If you have an ask and a question or an anonymous confession for the Confessions from the Therapy Room episodes, head to anamatha.com and click on the podcast tab to submit. Want more? Grab a copy of my most recent book, The Uncomfortable Truth. Change your life by taming 10 of your mind's greatest fears or enjoy some of the video and downloadable resources on my website, tackling everything from burnout to driving anxiety.

So until the next episode, goodbye.