Ask Anna - I can't seem to make the tiniest of decisions
00:00Welcome to the Therapy Edit. I'm your host, Psychotherapist and author Anna Martha. I will be bringingyou bite-sized episodes twice a week full of tips, wise words from expert guests and insights to support your mental well-being.Hi everyone. Welcome to today's episode of Ask Anna. And I'm really excited for this one, actually, because we're going to be talking kind of change. And I know we're kind of January is out of the way now. Andbut the thing is I think sometimes we look at the decisions we made the intentions we setand it's so easy to think right scrap them try again next year when actually there is so muchvalue to be to be found in finding a way to make sustainable change because there is always areason as to why we yearn to make changes in certain areas of our lives so today is going tofeel really encouraging and equipping to maybe yeah just encouraging you to maybe just
00:56readdress some of those decisions that might have fallen bythe wayside. So today I have with me, Adrienne Adamie. Now, I was actually on her podcast notlong ago, so it's a real joy to have her on ours. And we're going to be addressing the question,but she is a leading well-being coach and she's a keynote speaker. She is known for the motivationalpodcast, Power Hour, and the Modern Wellness Podcast. And her first book, Power Hour, was publishedback in 2020 and has been translated into five languages. I wonder if she's got all of those on herbookshelf. She's a trailblazer and inspiring individuals and organizations to reach theirfull potential. And then her second book, which I actually have in my hand, is called Decisions
01:39That Matter. And it's all about making decisions in a world of endless choices. And did you knowthat we actually face around 35,000 choices every single day? And I know that this book's going to bean absolute game changer for those navigating that decision fatigue where you just feel overwhelmedand sometimes you don't even realise the decisions you're making. But Adrienne, she offers usclear, actionable strategies to help us make better choices, choices that really reflect whowe are and where we want to go. And if you're someone who's ever felt stuck or paralyzed bythe weight of decision making, this book is going to be the beautiful, gentle, practicalnudge that you need to move forward with confidence and,
02:23clarity. So welcome. It's lovely to have you. Anna, what an introduction. Thank you so much for havingme. That's, that was great. Well, I'm so excited about your book because I don't even think we realizesome of the decisions that we actually face each day and how, yeah, just be more intentional aboutthem. Yeah, when you mentioned that stat, so 35,000 decisions and choices every day, it kind ofseems like, well, how is that possible? But it's all, as you know, so much of it is unconsciousdecision-making. So it's kind of justautonomous, you know,going with the flow, saying yes.
02:57And I think that's something thatfor early people that have read the book,one thing that a few times have beenmentioned to me is this, oh, actually I hadn't consideredthat so many of the tensions that I,so many of the decisions that I make,are just automated. They're justsaying yes too quickly, too often
03:13and not questioning and notthinking about it because there's so manythings to think about, you know, but often veryoverwhelmed. We've lived in a modern,world, it's busy, it's fast. So I think there's a combination of things happening. One is there'sa lot of decisions to make. Two is we're not necessarily questioning them. And three is the paceat which we're expected to say yes or no, make a decision quickly, decide. Yeah. And I think,thinking what we always do, we tend to just fall back into that route of doing what we've always
03:43done without questioning it. And I'm just thinking of like one decision that I'm trying to make.So my first thing that I was doing in the morning is my husband puts a cup of coffee on my bedside.table because he gets up really early. And I just go for that. That's the first thing that I drinkin the day. And then I read that we wake up dehydrated. So instead of just making thatdecision without even feeling like I was making a decision, I now decide to drink like I drinklike 12 sips of water. I don't know why it's 12 because I think that's like a full cup. But thattiny little decision that I didn't realize I was making that was probably impounding that likecaffeine hit, just blasting my body straight from the off. And so,
04:21swapping it with water. It's so small, but actually makes me feel so much better. Yeah, and that's aperfect example of, yes, it is a small decision. Okay, what's the first thing that you eat or drink inthe morning? Coffee. Okay, no big deal. If it's once. But the frequency of a daily decision likethat, a small decision like what to have for breakfast or whether to walk or whether to, you know,pick up your phone or have that coffee, if you just do it once, of course it's no big deal. Butwhen we compound a small decision, or I'd call it a low stakes decision, every day, every week,every month, you can see how that can quickly add up to have a real impact in your life.Why, I just feel like a permanent little prune may be.
05:01But you also talk in your book about those big decisions.And, you know, I love the fact that you've even got this kind of matrix to help you map things out a little bit.Because sometimes, again, these big decisions we make, they can feel so stifling that we can try and kind of dance.around them and avoid them and end up just kind of making them under pressure. So, yeah, it's justso so grateful. So thank you. Would you say that having written the book, your decision makingprocess is like different or is it come out of the fact that that had already changed and you justwanted to completely share, share the love? Yeah, it's a great question. It's, I've become moreaware of it, I suppose, but I think I've always been someone who's been quite strategic about
05:43decision making. And that word, I think sometimes think, oh, strategic. But from abusiness perspective, you know, I'm an entrepreneur and, you know, work with businesses. And that's,of course, a word that you use and you think that's a positive thing. You need to make strategicdecisions, you know, you can't just, well, just roll the dice and see what happens. You know,there's a lot of things at stake. So if we do that when it comes to business decisions, you know,organizations, whenever there's money involved, why don't we think about the decisions in ourown lives in the same way? Because they're still going to have an impact. There's still lots ofdifferent variables and different outcomes and things at stake. And so,
06:17So I think I've always been quite strategic and thinking about who will this decision impact other than myself or thinking about kind of consequences or outcomes.I think I've always thought in that way of kind of is there a backup plan?What's option B?I've always kind of been that kind of person and I've helped others do that as well.So whether it's friends or family members over the years, you know, if someone came to me for advice, I would just ask them 20 questions.I wouldn't say, well, here's what I think you should do?I'd say, what about this?what about that? I just ask them questions to hopefully help them figure out the decision.
06:48And I think a lot of times when we're thinking about big decisions, you know, big decisions arethings that are going to have lasting impact. They often feel as though they might be hardto undo, not always, but sometimes they can feel like they're irreversible. They might feelas though there's a lot of, yeah, there's a lot of commitment that goes into making big lifedecisions. And so as well as the fact that there's all these different variables, I think wherepeople get stuck is they're looking for the right decision. They're looking for the one rightdecision. And it's this idea that there's one right decision and everything else is wrong. So if there's15 options, which one's right, which house out of all the houses that I viewed, which partner,
07:27which job. And actually, I think maybe from writing this book and from doing the research andlooking at it for so long, I've realized that that's actually where we get stuck. There isn't one rightdecision ever, ever. And it's such a hard thing to get your head around because you're like, well,how can I ever have certainty that yes, this is the choice for me if there isn't one rightchoice. But I think in a way it's quite freeing because when you understand that if I make a choicebased on who I am, the values that I have, the information I've got right now, my situationtoday, what I want right now. If you make a decision based on, as you said, some of the thingsin the book, then even if it's not the right decision, you can kind of change your mindset
08:07around it and be like, regardless of whether it's the right decision in the final outcome,you can feel as though, let's make this decision right. Let's make this the decision that I chose.Let's make it right. And let's be, I suppose, more satisfied and confident with the choice.Oh, I love that. I think sometimes when you think about those sliding doors moments and,you know, I think, what if I went to a different uni or what if I chose different housemates andmaybe my life would have mapped out, like wildly differently. But actually, and that's,that can make it feel a bit overwhelming. It can mean that there is so much pressure piled onmany of the decisions we make because we think, well, this could leave me down a totally different
08:47path. But actually, this is the one that we're on. This is where we're at. And it just reminds usthat, yeah, I find it quite liberating because I can make a decision. And then there's alwaysways to reshape, re-root, make different decisions after that that shape where you're, andyeah, it kind of liberates you again. So I think, yeah, I think that's what I like about.your approach is that it's it's kind of like turning inwards as well and that's clearly whatyou do when you're asking your friends like all these questions is you're trying to empower themthat they probably already know deep down where they're leaning towards when it comes to makingthe decision and applying perfectionism to decision making can often end up yeah with us just
09:29done in there not wanting to make a decision at all so I love I love what you do and that kindleads us to this next question, this question from our listener about change, which I just knowyou're going to have some warm wisdom on. So I'm going to play this voice note now.I started this year feeling so pumped to make some really positive changes to my life,but a few weeks in and I'm feeling totally overwhelmed and just can't seem to make thetiniest of decisions. How can I move forward when I overanalyze everything and always imaginethe worst case scenarios that end up leaving me feeling paralyzed?Wow. What a question. I've got almost got three, I feel like there's three different questions in there.
10:09So I might have to ask you to play it again. Shall I dive in with my first thoughts?Go on then. So my first thoughts here are that this is kind of a universal feeling at the start of the year.So whoever sent this question, just know that a lot of people right now are feeling exactly the same as you thinking, oh my gosh, I had all these grand plans.I'm so overwhelmed. Where do I start? And like that paralysis that she's describing,is due to the overwhelm of it's almost, yeah, exactly where to start.You're just kind of standing there thinking which, if you've made maybe 12 goals foryourself, which one do I start with and how to get started?So you're not alone, a lot of people are feeling like this at the start of the year
10:50because they've set so many things.Secondly, I'd say this idea, and it kind of goes to what you were saying before,about this feeling of kind of change and where does that come from?You know, why do you want to make change in the first place?Sometimes it comes from a feeling of dissatisfaction.It can come from a feeling of seeing other people doing something and thinking,well, maybe I should be doing that.And that's not always a bad thing.
11:13You know, you know this.If you're envious of someone and what they're doing, it's not always a bad thing.It can be a signal that says, hey, maybe I want to do that as well.So it's understanding where the driver for change is coming from in the first place.If you're actually feeling inspired to make a change, that can be a good thing.But if it's coming from a feeling of lacking or a feeling of anger or a feeling ofof maybe someone else is nudging you, you know, you know that can happen. Sometimes someoneelse is saying, well, you should really do more of this or you should really do more of that.
11:40So that kind of change never happens and never sticks. I think it has to be from something thatyou want. So interrogate, why do you want to make this change in the first place?Remembering that's going to help you to go, okay, yeah, this is something that I choose,not because my mum's nagged me about it or my friend's doing it. It's actually something Ichoose. Then once you're clear on that, I'd say, don't try and change loads of things at thesame time. That is often the problem. If I say to somebody right now, okay, what's your goal? How can Ihelp you? You know, I've done so much work on goal setting, the science of goal setting. And they'll say tome, well, my career goal is this. My financial goal is that. My health and wellness goal this year is
12:20this. I'm going to run this half marathon. And then my like, oh, my gosh. It's exhausting justlistening, isn't it?Exactly.So much.Exactly.And I don't know when this became, I guess, in modern life, I don't know when this becamekind of the norm, that it was everything, let's change everything and let's add all ofthese different areas.
12:41So what I would encourage this listener to do is to choose one change.Just choose one change.Make that your goal.Make that your focus.Make that your North Star.And then commit to that change and accept that you're going to have some tradeoffs.Like every single decision has trade-offs good and bad.So you might have to ask yourself some of these questions,
13:01like, what am I going to have to give up to make this change happen?And that's okay, be okay with it.Write it down, see it in black and white.If I'm going to have to give up this and this to make this change.Who else really is going to be impacted by this change?Are they going to be happy about it?Are they going to have something to say about it?How am I going to approach that?
13:18But just be clear with yourself of like, who's this change going to impact?Have I think about all those things so that when they come up,you're not surprised.You're, you know, you're ready for it.You're not surprised by, by those things.And the listener also mentioned this worst case scenario.Now, this might sound a little bit paradoxical,but often people think about the worst case scenario
13:39and it stops them from taking action.You know, it can, you're afraid of it.You're like, oh, that's terrible.I'm not going to make that decision.This could happen.It would be awful.Better just not do it.Let's just stay over here.
13:51However, if I asked you to consider,okay, what is the worst case scenario? What does that actually mean? What actually is the worst casescenario? So let's think of an example. And let's say, okay, I want to start writing a blog. I'm going tostart sharing my recipes online. What's the worst case scenario? The worst case scenario is people arereally critical. Okay, so write that down. What else? The worst case scenario is I spend loads andloads of time and effort and energy on it and nobody reads it. Okay, write that down. When you writedown the worst case scenario and you see it, the next question to answer is,what would you do next?
14:26And there's two things here, because once you realize what you would do next,you realize it's not the end of the world.Your life is not going to end, even if the worst case scenario happens.And that might be quite a small thing.Maybe it's a bigger decision, like leaving your job or getting a divorce or selling yourbusiness.These are big life decisions.The worst case scenario, if you write it down and then you answer the next question,
14:48what would I do next?You will realize that there will be another day.you will still continue, you'll do something.So that's quite freeing in itself.It's like, oh, actually, I would move there.I would apply for this job.I would reach out to friends.There's a next step.
15:04Yeah, and whenever there's a next step, whenever there's a next step,it's kind of like, oh, actually, I can do this.I can make change.I can, you know, go for it because it'll never be the end of the world.I love that.And then sometimes looking back at decisions that we've madethat actually weren't really ideal in retrospectand thinking that we live to see another day.
15:24And actually maybe there were some amazing thingsthat we learned off the back of it.And I think as you were speaking,one of the things, you know,when you're talking about that pressureof changing like 12 things at once,it's kind of saying that everything,there was no good area of my life.
15:39Like everything was kind of wrong with meand I want to wipe the slate cleanand be a different version of myself.And I don't know.I just think sometimes it overlooks the factthat we grow into different versions of ourourselves and previous versions of ourselves got us where we are now and some pretty greatamazing things have happened, you know, along with the fact we might not have hit the goals
16:01that we wanted to hit last year. We might not be where we thought we might be. But also torespect and honour the you that got through the challenges that you faced. And maybe, I don't know,it just seems when I look back and think, right, first of Jan, new year, new me, and actuallyyou think, well, I'm kind of saying that the old me serves to go in the bin when actuallythere was some rather, she's worked pretty hard and she's fought through some pretty bigthings and maybe not made some great decisions, but actually has done what she can with the,you know, with the circumstances that arose. And yeah, so I think it, what you're talking aboutfeels like a more human way of, and a more gentle way and a kinder way of approaching change.
16:48it's like come on let's just look at one thing let's just and and that doesn't mean thatyou're foregoing all those other decisions or intentions or you're saying that they don't matterlike they they can still be intentions and they can still be there but actually you're yeahyou're going to feel overwhelmed but she was saying when you're just trying to do trying to doall of it how do you how do you feel when you've got a few different intentions and a fewdifferent goals and you're encouraging yourself to just look at the one like how do you feelabout those other ones that are kind of, does it feel like they're sitting there on a shelf?Like, what do you do with them?
17:22Because they're obviously important to you to have made them in the first place.Yeah, that's a good point.Yeah, I think when you said sitting on the shelf, that's exactly how I see them.So they're not discarded, they're not thrown in the bin, they're not gone forever.They're just there waiting for their moment.So rather than doing everything at the same time, I always think about which season of my lifeam I in right now.And you know at one point in the book I talk about different seasons.
17:47not in, you know, terms of the weather or the months,but actually seasons of change, challenge, and growth.So if you're in a season of change, let's say we all have different seasons of change in our life.So when you become a mother for the first time, it's a lot of change,you know, like your lifestyle might change, your routine,when you start a new career, when you, I don't know, leave university,there's all these times in your life these are big moments of change.So that's not necessarily the time to make lots of big decisions,
18:13take on new goals, because you're already having to navigate a lot.seasons of challenge, seasons of growth.So within these different seasons,I always think if I've got one goaland I'm working really, really hard on it,let's say the last few months over a year,actually, you know, writing a book.If that's my focus and that's my goal,
18:29that needs to be the number one priority.It has to be at the centre.And exactly, as you said,all the other things on the shelfare still there.I'm going to get to them,but not right now.And I think if we could free ourselves
18:41of this idea that the urgency of life,the urgency of life,the urgency of everything has got to be done today or it's got to be done right now or yesterdayeven. It's just, I don't know why. I don't know. I wish I'd live this way in my 20s because nowI'm like when I'm training, this is going to take a lot. The training, I'm going to changemy nutrition. I'm going to have to sleep more. I'm going to have to, you know, do some recoverystuff and like manage it around the kids schedules and, you know, the football matches and the swimminglessons. And it's such a big deal that I'm like, right, this is the focus. Adrian, you're training for
19:13this marathon for four months. This is marathon season. So sadly, that's not the time to begoing out, having fun, drinking. It's not the time to be. That's not the season. But then Anna,you best believe when the summer comes, I'm like, this is the season of joy. This is the season thatkids are off school and I'm going on holiday and I'm having a glass of wine and I'm, you know,it's like I'm in that season. So I just go into each thing and, and as you said about hindsightcan cast a harsh shadow on our previous decision. So if you're looking back,a season where youa tough time in your life so
19:46you know I went through a divorce just before the pandemicthat was a big season of changeI mean the pandemic was a season of change for everyonesuddenly yeah can you imagine like suddenly you're at homeyou're homeschooling I mean anyone who homeschooledtheir kids in a lockdown probably has like PTSDfrom that like I can't even look at the printer in the same way againthank you thank you oh my gosh
20:08the overwhelmed just of that their schedule year fourspellings wow so that was a lotyou know just gone through divorceI was you know living inmy house just with me and my son and navigatingthat it was so much changethat was not the time for meto say what's the next goal
20:25as you end like what are you going to do next? It was likeno this is a season of change and it'sgoing to be challenge so I think that'salso important for people to consider timingmatters when you're making decisionsbig or small look all thethings going on and whenthere's a bit of a clearing of the woods
20:41and there's a bit of spacethat can be the time for you to gothis is the time for me to make a big decision if you want toOh man I need you in my ear because I'm very ADHD rightAnd I'll sit there one evening and I have a whole business ideaAnd I will just want to do it there and thenAnd I've done it beforeAnd much to my husband's frustration
21:01Because it's just often so much more consuming in realityThan I actually think it is in my headSo I'll start putting something in actionThis change having not really thought about itAnd the enormity of it will overshadow other things that are quite important.And then I think, wow, I never really realized how many things were entailed in thisand when it was a little fantasy in my head.And so I think, yeah, that just sitting with that sense of urgency and thinking,
21:28you know what, it doesn't, as exciting as this might be and as much as I might want thisand it doesn't need to be done now.Where can I pop that?Is this maybe now not the right time?What does it actually entail?Who does it actually impact?What call on my resources to do this well is there in reality?And, yeah.
21:49On the flip side, what I was just saying around when it's not the right time,there's also power in recognising when it is the right time.And as we kind of mentioned before,what are the other things you'll have to give up to do it?This is, I guess, very specific in the business world,but like I said, I love taking things from the business worldand applying them to our personal lives and decision making as well.Now, if a business is making a big decision,
22:12and they've got like six different things happening this year or this quarter,different project launches, different things going on.One of the questions to ask that the senior leadership team will sit down and say,what are the things that could detract us, detract teams energy, time, money, resources,away from achieving this one goal?Because the most likely reason that you don't achieve a goal is not because you can't do it,not because you're lazy, not because the idea isn't good,it's because of the pursuit of lesser goals along the way.
22:40So you're distracted.your energy, your resources and your time are spread too thin. So if you said to me, Adrian, I've got thisbusiness idea. It's amazing. And I was like, Anna, this sounds incredible. This is, this is great. You haveto do this. This is a big decision. You have to do it. It's not saying, oh, wow, once you realize all thethings that it's going to take, don't do it. If it is the right time, I think knowing that actuallyI have to go all in on this, this decision is right. You know, it feels right. I've done thinking. I've donethe analysis. I've got my intuition. And it feels right. And this is the right time.know that go with it and go like I said what are the distractions what are the things what are the lesser
23:16goals the pursuit of that it's going to stop you reaching that big goal and then once you're focusedon that one thing that is the season that is the time that you will make big change and that thatdecision whatever happens in the future whatever the final outcome you can have confidencein that decision it's so empowering isn't it and I think it just is an invitation to looklook at our decisions in the cold light of day like look just really look at them see whereyour heart is with them see where your resource see where the bigger picture of your lifeand then to empower you to apply yourself to it and give it the space it deserves andand yeah kind of circling back to this person that this listener is who's feeling completely
23:58overwhelmed with all of these like positive changes and yeah maybe just kind of writing themdown and thinking which is the one that I actually really want to grab hold of and whichother ones might have to sit on the shelf or maybe I just have to make them smaller so thatthey're not kind of taking so much energy and headspace. So oh my goodness, I feel likeyou've given us so much and it's it's a real prompt to go in to go and get a copy of your bookbecause it is, you know, it's really practical but it's empowering and gentle at the same timeand I think that's quite an amazing balance to get because it's I think the gentleness is the kind ofIt's the reality around it.
24:38It's like, okay, so this is important to you.How can you be intentional about it?How can you make space for it?How can you really go after it?And, yeah, empowering people to kind of be more intentional about their decisionsand recognize where those little decisions that they don't realize that they're makingthat may be draining them in some way or like my coffee and water, a little switch in order.You know, that actually those little decisions that are really, yeah,
25:06that you can change now and it will make a big difference.So thank you so much for all that you have sharedand your amazing words.And where can people find you?So do you want to tell a little bit more about kind of what you've got out therefor people to access?Sure.Thank you.
25:23And thank you for this conversation and for inviting me.I always love talking to you because you have such a calming way about you.Such a calming energy.It's so funny when you say your PhD, people think of people that are probably more my energy.but I always feel so calm when I just listen to your voice.That's probably why so many people enjoy listening to you.That's so funny because I was just saying,I get that a lot and I just say my kids and my husband would probably not have the same feedback.
25:47Yeah, exactly.I think they get the wild, you know, yeah, part of me.So, yeah, so where people can find me, they can find me on Instagram, of course.So it's at Adrienne, L-D-N.Of course, the book, Decisions That Matter, they can find everywhere.They can find everywhere.books are sold and online. And if you're an audio person like me, because I love to listen.You know, that's why I listen to podcasts. I love to listen to books when I'm walking or running or
26:11cooking. So yeah, I've recorded the audio book as well. So yeah, that's it really. Amazing. Well,thank you so much. Thank you for coming on and, yeah, empowering us.Thank you for listening to The Therapy Edit today. If you enjoyed it, please do take a sec to likeand subscribe so we can share the words further and wider. If you have an ask and a question or ananonymous confession for the Confessions from the Therapy Room episodes, head to anamatha.comand click on the podcast tab to submit. Want more? Grab a copy of my most recent book, The UncomfortableTruth. Change your life by taming 10 of your mind's greatest fears or enjoy some of the videoand downloadable resources on my website, tackling everything from burnout to driving anxiety.
26:55So until the next episode, goodbye.
There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click any sentence in the transcript to leave one.