The Therapy Edit - Ask Anna - I want to be confident like you!

Episode Date: November 4, 2024

In this second Monday episode of the brand new Ask Anna series, Anna is joined by Tiwalola Adebayo Confidence Coach, Author, and Founder of Confident and Killing It.Together Anna and Tiwa tackle the following question: "I really admire how you use your voice for good and for change & ultimately to support and help people with their mental health and growth. I have so much to say but I just cannot find the confidence to share my true authentic voice, my thoughts & knowledge. How do I open up my voice and share authentically."Do you have an Ask Anna question you'd like to submit for future episodes? Or an anonymous confession? Visit the website to learn how Learn more with TiwaTiwalola Adebayo (née Ogunlesi) is a globally recognised coach specialising in positive psychology, international speaker, author and the founder of Confident and Killing It. Confident and Killing It is a purpose driven organisation and community that wakes women up to their worth so they can be confident, unstoppable and dare to live the life they truly desire. Through engaging and practical workshops, media and coaching programmes, Tiwalola equips women with the tools they need to overcome fear and self-doubt, programme their minds for success and live out their biggest dreams. Her first book Confident and Killing It was published by HarperCollins in July 2022, to great acclaim.Web: www.confidentandkillingit.com IG: @Tiwalowla and  @Confidentandkillingit Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tiwalolaogunlesi111/Podcast: https://www.confidentandkillingit.com/podcast Book: Available on AmazonPlease note - the names and voices of some of the Ask Anna/Confessions contributors may have been changed at their request.

Welcome to The Therapy Edit. I'm your host, Psychotherapist and author Anna Martha. I will be bringing you bite-sized episodes twice a week full of tips, wise words from expert guests and insights to support your mental well-being. Hi everyone. I hope you are well as you tune into this episode of the Therapy Edit today. I'm really, really excited about this one. This is a listener question from Vicky. and it's all about confidence. So this will speak to everyone, really. I just know it. I've got the most amazing guest to share her wisdom,

who I benefit from so much actually just before we joined in the room, in the online recording room. I was just having a little scroll through her page. And it's just so many nuggets of wisdom that make you think, oh my gosh, yes, yes. And you just feel kind of filled up and empowered. So I have got with me, Tewa Ogun Lacey, and she is here to talk to us about confidence. So how are you doing?

How are you doing, Tewa? How are you doing today? I'm so good, Anna. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here. I honestly love the community that you've built and the messages that you share. So it's such an honor to be here. Thank you.

Wow. You just jumped to mind as soon as I saw this question drop into our emails. and I was listening to one of your reels and you were saying, you know, yes, it's good to find confidence. It's good to do work that you love. But, you know, there's always going to be work. There's always going to be stuff to do. And you need, it's not just all about the doing. And I, that just spoke to me. And I was so proud of myself because after this, I have scheduled in my diary a walk before I go and get my kids. So I thought Tewa would be proud of me for that. I'm very proud of you for that.

I schedule in like my bubble baths into my calendar. I love that. I love that. So, yeah. And do you know what? Isn't it, do you have daytime bars ever? Because to me they are the ultimate treat like a daytime. No, I haven't gotten to that level of luxury living.

I know. Maybe at 11am but not like a midday like full on afternoon. But I've got to try that one day. I'll let you know. I always just put workout stuff on in the morning and then I tend to try and do a workout. So, you know, instead of the shower, sometimes I will just run a quick bath and I just, it's like that ultimate. I love it.

It's like the out of order. I'm doing it out of the normal order. Bath, the evening thing. So it feels extra lovely. But tell us a little bit about yourself and, yeah, because you're a confidence coach. You're a founder and author, a speaker and you've got a community called Confident and Killing it. But tell us a little bit about what.

What sets your heart on fire? What do you love about what you do? Absolutely. So I like to say if Oprah and Beyonce got together and had a baby, I would be the result of that fabulous combination. So really, I'm all about waking women up to their worth so they can be confident, unstoppable. I'm really dared to live the life that they truly desire. When I was a teenager, I struggled really badly with negative thoughts. I was insecure. I didn't feel like I was good enough. And then when I unlocked the power of my mind, when I unlocked that confidence is a practice, confidence is something you can build. It's not just for, you know, a set set of people in society. I was like, this is fantastic. And I literally transformed my life. And when it did, I was like,

this is too good to keep to myself. I need to share this with other women because I noticed there's like a generational cycle of low self-esteem in women and girls. And I was like, this is not okay. Society just accepts it. Like, oh, you're a woman. Yeah, you feel insecure. Yeah, you've got imposter syndrome. That's no more. And it's like, actually, do I have to settle with that? Absolutely not. I can be confident if I want to. And so I've made it my mission to wake every woman up to help them realize that they can be confident that there is a world that exists where you love yourself. There is a world that exists where in your mind there is more kindness and love than self-criticism and hate. And I don't want any woman to settle or any human being, really, to settle with a negative mind with self-doubt and insecurity because you deserve so much more than that.

Oh, I'm hearing that. And I hear that through your work. It's like a real battle cry. Like, come on, guys. Come on. Come on. Come on. Ladies. This is for you. And I used to think at school, you know, there were the confident people as if they were just born like that. And they, you know, there were people that were outgoing and confident. And I just used to feel like that was never, that wasn't who I was. And I would never be that person. And it has just been wild to learn that actually you can nurture confidence. You can nurture.

Yeah. And start really living more authentically. Absolutely. Growth is intentional. Growth is not something that just comes with age. And I think that's the mistake. a lot of us make. I mean, there is levels of confidence and wisdom that come as you get older, but you have to be intentional about cultivating those things. So I started this journey at 21

because I realized that the woman I wanted to become in the future, if I didn't start working on her now, I wasn't going to become that person. And so it's, it's so beautiful to know that you can become anyone who you want to become. You can rebrand at any time. You can start over at any time when you make a choice and a decision to be intentional about investing in yourself, investing in your mind. And, you know, what you believe about yourself is the foundation to every single thing that you do. So it's something we cannot take lightly.

It's something we have to take very personal. And the amount of energy we pour into other people's lives, especially as mothers, the amount of energy we pour into our children, into our family, if we could just take some of that and pour it back. into ourselves. I can't even begin to say like how life changing that would be. Oh, it's just, it's so, I just know that this is going to be giving people hope as they listen. Yeah. Yeah. Just, and that sense of excitement of, I've never thought I was that person, but maybe, maybe I can be. And that's what your work is there basically to be like, okay.

Now, here's the how. And that's the, that's the guidance that you give and the support that you give. So let's listen to this voice note from Vicky. I really admire how you use your voice for good and for change and ultimately to support and help people with their mental health and growth. I have so much to say, but I just can't find the confidence to share my true authentic voice, my thoughts and my knowledge. How do I open up my voice and share authentically? What a question that looking around, Vicki must just, you know,

find herself seeing other people do the things that she knows. that she'd love to do she knows that she's got this wisdom maybe she's got these things to say and share as she says and the knowledge and the thoughts that she knows could be really helpful for people but that question is is like how I look at people and I see them doing it and I know that I've got it to share but how do I open up my voice and share authentically so what are the first thoughts that come to mind as you hear them? Vicki's such a beautiful question. And the fact that you're even asking the question shows that there is already so much greatness inside of you.

The fact that you know you want to use your voice in a powerful way already shows that there is something burning inside of you that is trying to speak to you to get your voice out there because your voice is literally going to change the world. So the first thing that comes to my mind is it's clear she has a vision of how she wants to show up, but there's something getting in the way. There's something killing her confidence. There's something kind of, there's some kind of barrier getting in the way. And most of the time, it's fair. Okay? And fear shows up in different ways. Fear of rejection.

Fear of failure. If I put myself out there, what if people don't respond? You know, what if no one engages with me when I show up online? You know, what if people start leaving me in a negative comments on my profile? or even fear of success. What if my page blows up and I don't know how to handle it? What if my page blows up and then all of a sudden there's so much pressure on me to deliver, how will my future self-handle it?

So, Vicky, I want you to be aware that everything on the other side of fear is where your greatness lies. Okay? And fear is just a negative thought of something in the future that has a way. actually happened yet. So, Vicky, when you're thinking of speaking up and using your voice, there's this little negative voice. I call her the mean girl in chapter two of my book. I call her the mean girl in your mind. And I say, get sassy with the mean girl. So Vicky, when that voice whispers to you, what if no one likes your post? What if no one engages with you? What if you start sharing and you're really bad at it? Right. It's a negative thought of something in the future.

what if you don't know for sure that that is going to happen you're going into your future and assuming the worst possible outcome okay so vicky what I need you to do and anyone listening who is in vicky's position because I'm sure she represents a large majority of people is I want you to begin to visualize the outcome you actually do want for yourself okay so we have the negative assumption the negative possibility but what are the positive possibilities that could happen when you start showing up? What are the positive possibilities that can happen in your life when you start using your voice? I want you to write them down.

Don't just think about it. Grab a piece of paper and pen and write down all the positive possibilities that can happen. Because right now, you have a choice. Lean into the negative assumptions that are not 100% facts. or lean into the positive possibilities that you actually do want for your life. So, you know, that's really the first thing. Identify your fear and then make a different choice. Okay?

Because when you do, your thoughts lead to your feelings and your feelings lead to the actions that you take or you don't take. So sabotaging thoughts make you shrink and hide. Empowering thoughts make you move forward with confidence. confidence. So ask yourself, what story am I telling myself about using my voice, about showing up online? Is the story negative? Is it sabotaging me? Let it go. I have a song that says, if it sabotages you've been it. If it empowers you run with it. Okay. So when you've been the sabotaging thoughts, I want you to think of a more empowering thought that you can lean into

to begin to work through some of those fears. Oh, that's so good. And as you were saying, know some of those fears that maybe someone will say a negative comment, maybe it won't resonate with someone, maybe there will be people that don't interact with it, maybe there'll be people that my wisdom just does not help. And I think those thoughts are all valid because my experience of doing my work is that those things have all been true. Those things have all been true at points, but how much power do we want to give that positive? possibility because if I was to say, right, I'm not going to do what I do because there will be people that misunderstand what I'm trying to do here. Then what cost does that have? You know, the cost is that

I'm not do, I wouldn't do a job that I love, something that sets my heart on fire. The cost is that my words wouldn't be able to benefit the people that they do benefit because I've given it so much power that I might be misunderstood that I don't do anything at all. So I think that's, yeah, that's so true. Yeah. Can I share a story? Yes, please. So I started my career in 2016, okay? I had this awakening that I wanted to show up and share confidence with the world.

So very similar to you, Vicky. I knew there was a message inside of me and I wanted to use my voice, but I had never really done it before. So I grabbed my phone and I recorded a video of how important it is to love and believe in yourself. And as I was about to press send on Instagram, my mean girl came in. Oh, you sound like a man. Oh, your voice is too deep. Oh, this is cringe. Who do you think you are? People are going to laugh at you. What else did it say to me? Like, oh, this is really boring. No one's going to be interested in this. Don't post it. Don't post it. Don't post it. And there I was. I just recorded a video

about how important it is to love and believe in yourself. And my mean girl is tormenting me, telling me I'm an imposter telling me that my skin isn't clear enough to be on camera. I don't look good enough to be on camera. And I had a choice. And in that moment, I remember this one phrase that absolutely changed my life. The message in you is more important than the fear you feel. Wow. Right?

The message in you, Vicki, that you want to bring to the world is more important than the fear you feel than the negative thoughts. because imagine if I didn't post that video back in 2016, I wouldn't be where I am today. That one video changed so many people's lives. I was getting so many messages from different people. Now, don't get me wrong, there have been days when I put myself out there and people have loved it, and there have been days where I've put myself out there,

and it's just been crickets. But I don't put myself out there to get validation from other people. I put myself out there because that is, it's their passion, it's a fire in my my heart and I am going to show up regardless of whether the world is ready for me or not. I love it. You're honoring that within you. Yes. You're honoring that inner purpose because your soul needs, your soul has a message it needs to share. And when you keep quiet because you're not sure if other people are ready, something little inside of you just begins to fade away. Your light that is meant to be shining, it just begins to get dimmer and dimmer. So you never want to shut that inner voice. You want to show up.

And I'm so glad I posted that video because one video led to another video, led to community. And eight years later, I have a book, I have a podcast, I have a whole business, I quit my full-time job. So you never know where that message is going to take you, but you have to remember the impact of your message is so much more important than the insecurities you might be feeling. Oh, this is so powerful. And, you know, you were just saying that it's taken all those years, eight years. And that's about the first time that I started sharing little bits about mental health. And I remember the very first post. And it was me in the garden with my arms outstretched.

And I was talking about anxiety. And it was the first I used to post about house stuff because I was moving house. And that's why I downloaded Instagram to get inspiration for paint colors and things. And I remember having done all the paint and all of that and, you know, no longer interested in interior design because I'd done it. I was passionate about mental house but I remember posting this first post on my grid full of interior design things and just thinking this is what I want to show

and you know it got some nice responses but ultimately I think sometimes we can look at where people are and we could think I want to do that but I can never do that when in reality it's been a growth towards that point you know you're not just going to turn up tomorrow and suddenly like throw a podcast out into the world quickly birth a book, you know, and suddenly have this confidence.

It's this, you know, it's this process of showing up and taking those steps. And maybe, Vicky, it's showing with a friend. Maybe it's, you know, sitting when you're next, you know, with a friend and they share something with you and you think, oh, I really want to share like some encouraging words. But I don't want to get it wrong. Actually, what would it be like just to say, you know, I'm just going to throw this out there? this is my thoughts this is what i'd love to see for you and see how it feels and you don't have to go in with all guns blazing it's growing as you go and growing in confidence as you start

stepping out and seeing that yeah not everyone in the world it might resonate with but those people that do wow it's a gift you're giving them such a beautiful gift and you just touched on something really important that i want to emphasize you know confidence comes from taking action. When you take action, you're showing yourself, you're gathering evidence that you are capable, that you can do this. So, you know, confidence is not an absence of self-doubt, right? Confidence is feeling the fear, feeling the doubt, but doing it anyways. So you've got to keep the promises you make to yourself. That is how you build self-confidence. You've got to show up and take baby steps and celebrate your small wins and your progress because you're sending a message.

to your subconscious that you are not going to let fear and get in the way that you have something to offer the world. And the more you do it, the more ready you feel. So the feeling of readiness that we all wait for comes after you start. Not before. So annoying, isn't it? I think sometimes don't want to wait for it. It'd be great to have sudden, like, wake up with a whole load of confidence and be like, I'm ready. I'm ready. You know, you know, throwing it out to the world. But you're, you're so right. And I think social media, yeah. Social media kind of skews numbers for us a bit and I think we've learned to only really value things if they go far and wide whereas actually you know if one person if you vicky put something out there into the world and whatever form

that might be and it touches one person you know I think all of the numbers that come at us and we see things going viral and getting thousands of interactions you know we've kind of lost the value yeah of the individual and if you share something vicky even if your palms are sweating and you're questioning yourself but you put it out there anyway and it touches two people wow let's you know as you were saying and celebrate the small wins and the small wins are never actually really that small when they involve people yes yeah oh so true if you had 500 people in a room clapping for you you would feel on top of the world right so we just see the numbers on social and it's like oh that only

got a hundred likes, but imagine a hundred people showing up to see you in person. That's incredible, right? So let's not obsess about the numbers. And that also takes me to something really important about how we define success. Because if we define success on likes and followers and how many people engage, we are putting our power into the hands of other people. Right. And I love Maya Angelou's definition of success and she says success is liking who you are, liking what you do and liking how you do it. Okay. And that's why I said you showing up and sharing your voice isn't just about other people. It's about honoring your purpose. It's about honoring your soul's message. So do you like who you are? Do you like what you do? Do you like how you show up? If you like all of those

things, that is enough success. Whether people engage or not, that's the, that's the, that's the cherry on the cake, okay? That's the icing, right? But at the end of the day, this is about you honoring your soul's purpose. This is about you living a life that is going to fulfill you and not just about how other people are going to take it in. And then also, what's the best way to find out whether people are going to engage with you or not, right? You just got to show up. What's the best way to find out whether, you know, somebody's going to really need your message or not? You just have to put it out there. yeah that is so true so vicky have a little thing what might you do today that honors that message

whether it's a conversation with a friend where you just share a little bit more of your wisdom and the thoughts that you have or whether maybe it is kind of writing something and putting it out into the world what what tip would you give today to that person listening who's thinking oh I just I want to open up and share my voice more authentically first thing is to break down the goal into baby steps. We worry so much about steps seven, eight, and nine before we've even taken step one.

So I would start small and don't aim for perfection. In the beginning, you just want to aim for consistency. You want to build the muscle. You want to build the habits, okay? So break it down into small steps and challenge yourself

to show up every day in some way. So how can you just break it down? What's one thing you can do so first things first is if you want to show up you've got to get your mind in the right place so what exercises what mind moves are you making so i have three types of moves that i make i make mind moves i make boss moves and i make shine moves okay so yeah this first time i'm sharing this on a podcast so you get the exclusive i love i can't wait you get the exclusivity okay mind moves mind moves boss moves and shine moves so mind

moves. Okay, how am I investing in my inner power, my inner strength? What am I doing on my mind? So for that, you know, I'm journaling. For that, I'm challenging the negative thoughts. For that, I'm reflecting on my strengths. So, Vicki, I want you to remind yourself, why are you the best person to share this message? What strengths do you have? What are your passions? What are your values? Those are the mind moves. You've got to make sure you're aware of why you are the best person to do this. Next is boss moves. And that's when you actually have. have to show up and do the work because the work isn't going to do it for you. You have to show up and do the work. So those are the baby steps. What action are you taking to build that dream? So like

I said, sending the voice notes to friends, maybe then graduating to start showing up on stories. Then you might want to post on the main feed or maybe, you know, you want to build more of an in-person community. Maybe it's hosting a dinner party with friends and you are leading the conversation and, you know, getting that flowing and going, right? And then share. Shine moves is celebrating yourself. For any small move, for the baby steps, for the fact that you overcame your fear, you deserve to celebrate that. Don't feel like you have to wait till you get to a million followers before you can

celebrate yourself. No, any small move that you make where you've overcome fair, anxiety, imposter syndrome deserves to be celebrated. So don't just think, oh, my work will speak for itself. No, you also have to speak for your work. because visibility is also really important. So you've got to show up and promote yourself and send the world a message that this is who I am

and this is the message in me and this is how I can help change your life. So if we break it down, those are the three moves I would make. That's amazing. And I think, you know, with the first one, it's sometimes we think, well, am I the best person to share this message?

And we can look around and we can see that other people are sharing messages that in some way sounds similar and I would say to that, you are the only one that can share it like you. You know, there will be many people on social media that share around mental health like I do or confidence like TY does, but actually they don't do it in the exact same way that will resonate with certain people because of the language we use or the warmth that comes through our voice when we speak about certain things or the specific passion we have for very kind of certain elements of the work that we talk about and yeah so you are the best person to do it because you do it in your way and that will resonate with people that yeah may

not may not have their need met in in other people that are doing the same thing and there is space for for all of us. Space for all of us yes and I always say that there is enough room for all of us to shine because you're going to say your message in a way that resonates with someone way more. I'm not the first person to talk about confidence. You're not the first person to talk about mental health and motherhood, right? But there is a way you share it that is authentically you and people see that and they're drawn to it. So yeah, you know, you don't have to be, you know, the best person that everybody knows, but no one has the story that you have. No one has walked the path that you have. And so already it is beautifully, you know,

unique and that is something we can all embrace so that's where the mind moves and then the boss moves is making those small steps yeah to just start living it out and changing that narrative as you do so growing in confidence as you start flexing that muscle even if your arms are shaking to begin with and then just shy having that shine you know moment of just yeah I did that oh my gosh yeah did that I've kept this inside of me and I've wanted to and I did that so Bickey, I know that you are going to have been so encouraged by the warm wisdom here. And yeah, to everyone listening, just go and find Tewa's page and find her confident and killing it community as well.

There are just reels and sound bites there that will just, yeah, give you so much to think about even within a few seconds. But tell us a little bit more about where to find you and how people can engage in your work to finish off. Absolutely. So if you really enjoyed this little bite size, there is more. There is so much more and I'm excited to share that with you. So Confident and Killing It is the name of the brand and you can find that across all social platforms.

We also have a podcast where I as a confidence coach go on and, you know, share practical tips to master your mind, believe in yourself and show up confidently in the world. I also have a book which came out two years ago. So again, if you enjoyed this episode, you can check out my book, which is on Amazon. And yeah, if you work in the corporate world and if you're ever looking for a speaker to come into your organization to, you know, bring some amazing energy, then yeah, confident and killing it is the place to be. Amazing. Well, thank you so much. Thank you, Anna. You were my dream guest to answer this. And it's just been a real privilege to sit, albeit over the laptop and hear your words.

So thank you so much for joining me. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for listening to The Therapy Edit today. If you enjoyed it, please do take a sec to like and subscribe so we can share the words further and wider. If you have an ask Anna question or an anonymous confession for the Confessions from the Therapy Room episodes, head to anamatha.com and click on the podcast tab to submit. Want more? Grab a copy of my most recent book, The Uncomfortable Truth. Change your life by taming 10 of your mind's greatest fears or enjoy some of the video and downloadable resources on my website, tackling everything from burnout to driving anxiety. So until the next episode, goodbye.