The Therapy Edit - Ask Anna - My family don't know that I can't afford Christmas

Episode Date: November 18, 2024

In this Monday episode of the brand new Ask Anna series, Anna is joined by Jamie Sutton-Jennings, Mum of Three and TikTok and Instagram creator of great budgeting hacks and advice as Savvy Jamie.Together Anna and Jamie tackle the following question: "Hi Anna If I do Christmas presents this year, it's gonna push me deeper into debt. I haven't told my family about the extent of my financial struggles. Help!"Do you have an Ask Anna question you'd like to submit for future episodes? Or an anonymous confession? Visit the website to learn how Please note - the names and voices of some of the Ask Anna/Confessions contributors may have been changed at their request.

Welcome to The Therapy Edit. I'm your host, Psychotherapist and author Anna Martha. I will be bringing you bite-sized episodes twice a week full of tips, wise words from expert guests and insights to support your mental well-being. Hi everyone. I hope you're well and cozy as you tune into today's guest episode with The Therapy Edit. And we've got an ask and a question that is going to be so relevant to so many people as it's November and as the Christmas songs are creeping in in our house, they've, they've never really left since last Christmas. I still find myself humming all sorts. We've been watching Christmas movies in summer. So Christmas is kind of never fully off our radar, but I know it will be really kind of firmly on yours now. And so, yeah, today is

kind of talking about budgets, really, and the financial pressure that often comes. comes with Christmas. And maybe you're feeling a little bit anxious about all that will be demanded of you, not only time-wise and social-wise and over-sugared kids-wise, but also financially. And it does seem that Christmas just can so easily cost more and more each year. But whether you are feeling really anxious about finances or whether you are just wanting to be more mindful in how you're spending money this year, then this is an R scanner that will be really right up your street. And I have with me today to answer the R scanner question, which I'll share with you in a moment. I have Jamie Jennings. Hi, Jamie. Hello. Are you okay? I'm good.

Thank you for having me. Well, I've just been introduced to your account by the lovely Kate that helps me out on my podcast. And it was just great to find you because you are from Gloucestershire, which is I'm from Herefordshire. So, neighbouring. counties. No Gloucestershire quite well. The Farmer County. I sometimes tell people that at the school ball, there were a couple of students that turned up on their parents' tractors. Any tractor arrivals at your school ball? So I actually didn't grow up in Gloucestershire. I came here to go to university at 18 and then have stayed ever since. I actually grew up in Hertfordshire. So sort of closer to where you are now, I suppose. But I would

I just love to have seen someone on a tractor come up to the school prom. I mean, you're probably stuck behind a few of them on a daily basis, I imagine. Always. Yeah. Which is great for my three-year-old because he is tractor mad as many three-year-olds are. So he's just like living his best life every day. Not so good when you're running slightly late, though. No, which is the story.

There is no overtaken on those narrow lanes. No overtaken the tractors. So, Jamie, I've invited you on because you share, you kind of blew up on TikTok a bit, didn't you? sharing kind of budget information and how to be more mindful with your spending as a parent. So tell us a little bit more about you and what you're passionate about before we go into the question. Yeah, so I'm a mum of three. So my children are, my eldest is eight, my middle is three and then my youngest is four months. So I grew up, like I said in Hertfordshire.

I've got an older brother and we grew up with a single mum, who was always incredible with her money. I look back at her now and I think, oh my goodness, I don't know how she used to do it. on a really tight income, she was amazing at budgeting. So I think I always just grew up, sort of immersed in being thrifty, being savvy, budgeting. And it was just kind of, you know, ingrained upon me from a really small age. So I just sort of carried that into my adult life. And then I accidentally became a TikToker at the end of 2022 when I decided to do a series called Christmas on a budget.

So things were a little bit tight for us in our family. We didn't really have a big disposable income. And I just thought, I don't want to put Christmas on a credit card. Like, I just can't because I couldn't see us being able to pay that credit card off in the new year. So I started this series called Christmas on a Budget, and it blew up. I grew to 30,000 followers within the first month, which was insane. And one of my videos hit, I think my third video hit 4.5 million views, which just massively highlighted the how everyone, or so many people were feeling very similar. I think the fact that it took off so well

showed what was happening currently you know across the UK with people worrying about Christmas wanting to have an amazing Christmas but being really worried about money so yeah and then I've carried on posting ever since just sort of budget stuff side hustling stuff and it's just been amazing to share my knowledge but also to learn so much more

because every time I do a video people give me their amazing own like experiences and tips so yeah it's just it's been amazing as obviously was two years ago now Yeah, two years ago. And obviously just so needed. Yeah. And I don't know about you, but I just feel like every year there seems to be another thing that pops onto my kids' radar. So Christmas Eve boxes were never a thing. Like when I was growing up, I don't know about you. Nor was elf on the shelf. Nor was, there's just so many more potential elements that could be added to Christmas. And I often feel like, you know, my kids, they're like, oh, so and so is doing this. I'm like, okay. but actually we're not going to do that. And I've just become quite comfortable with disappointing them because I actually think that's quite healthy

for them to realise that we can't do it all. We don't have enough time, resources. But yeah, it's just, it just seems like every year that there's another potential bolt on that has a financial cost attached. And it's financial and it's also our like time and the juggle. And we all know as parents, like the juggle is massive, isn't it? so I think obviously today we are focusing on the financial element but it's also like the mental

workload isn't it of having to remember to move the elf having to go and fill up these Christmas Eve boxes and the pressure of that too I think a lot of it comes from social media and I think I was saying to you just before we started recording that I've followed you for a long time and I'm massively fangirling but what I always loved about your account was that you brought this realness to motherhood because I think social media can put a lot of pressure on us I think that's what I try and do about budgeting and finances. I try and bring a realness to, you know, your kids don't have to come down on Christmas morning and see thousands of pounds worth of presents underneath the tree, you know, brand new

bikes, a PlayStation, all of this, because we do see that on social media. And it can make us feel like we're doing something wrong because we're not giving our kids that. Yeah, absolutely. And I do think when it comes to saying and explaining to our kids, my oldest is just about to be 10. and just explaining to them the limited capacity that we have they would love to do elf on the shelf but for me it's another time thing to add

and actually that even the thought of it is stressful for some parents, they love it they get so creative with it and you can see that on social media they are having fun but for me personally that would be an additional stress so I've never done it before much to their frustration

but I just think it's healthy for them to experience that disappointment sometimes and learn about limited capacity and limited resource. And this year, I said to them, you know what, kids, if you want to do Alf on the shelf, you can, you can take it in turns.

I'll get an elf off, you know, or we can just use a toy, maybe something that we already have, a Christmas themed toy that, again, has never, hasn't been sat in a cupboard for the last year. It's full front and, yeah, festive. And actually just let them do something fun with it

if that's what they want to do. But disappointment and learning about limited resources is actually a really important tool for our kids. Otherwise, they can then grow up thinking, oh my gosh, one day I'm going to have to do this for potentially family that I have. And we don't have to do it all. But it can be hard to choose those things. I love that. Is it like a learning curve too?

I think that's a really good way to look at it. To take away that mum guilt as well that we so often feel. Yeah. And disappointment. Learning to navigate disappointment is a really, really healthy tool for life because my kids are going to be disappointed. throughout life people, circumstances will disappoint them. So if they can learn in a really healthy way by actually we're sidestepping the Christmas eatboxes, that isn't a thing that we are going to do, then yeah, they'll feel disappointed.

But they are loved, they're cared for, they will get gifts, they're very privileged that you can realize. And they'll survive. Yeah, so we can pick and choose a little bit. So I'm going to bring the question that we have. And I'm going to play, I'm going to play this as. a voice note. Hi Anna. If I do Christmas presents this year, it's going to push me deeper into debt.

I haven't told my family about the extent of my financial struggles. Oh, is this something that you think a few people might be feeling at the minute, Jamie? Yeah, definitely. I get so many comments from people and private messages from people who are really struggling with debt and it's really sad. You know, families that are, they're not even really knowing how to pay for their food shopping, let alone the pressures of Christmas coming up. And I think when you've got children, you don't, you feel like they're going to miss out and you don't want them to miss out. You want to provide this, like, magical experience for them, don't you? And when you've got debt hanging over you, that feels impossible, doesn't it?

Yeah, absolutely. And yeah, so what's the advice that you would like to give? Because I think the first thing that really strikes me as I hear this question is, is the fact that the, the listener hasn't told her family about the financial struggles. So it seems that there's probably some shame around it for her, some shame around actually this is the reality of where we are and I haven't told my family. So it can be such a massive emotional, you know, practical burden, can't it? So, you know, what would you like to say to that part of the question, that maybe that shame and that kind of secrecy around the reality of where things are at for her? It's really hard, isn't it? Not knowing someone's

family situation because you always want to encourage someone to open up to someone that they trust but then obviously you don't know how that opening up might be met because of course there shouldn't be any shame around debt like the cost of living in the UK is it's absolutely extortionate at the minute and there are millions of people in debt and I wonder you know there's also the Christmas presents when I when I think about it is is for the wider family as well you know it's not just the kids it's the you know it's the the parents and the maybe be grandparents and maybe the friends that you've got into the rut of buying presents for every year since childhood. Yeah. Actually, you could really do without that expenditure. So, you know,

sometimes it's, yeah, the bigger picture of those, the gifts. It's really hard, isn't it? So my advice always, so I've got quite a few bits for this is that, firstly, one piece of advice, I think, is to set expectations. So you mentioned, like, obviously, gift giving. And you're right. Like, I remember, I think it was the year that I did start doing Christmas on budget. I wrote down my list of who I would buy for and there was over 50 people on it and I just thought this is ludicrous and that was because you know some people had had like you know I had a friend who'd had three children so I was then buying for her and her three children um my husband is one of four I'm one of three we've all got nieces and nephews it just it stacks up doesn't it over the

years so the first thing I would say is get strict with your list decide who you're going to buy for and who you're not going to buy for and you might feel like you're being a bit savage but I just think sometimes you have got to be a bit selfish and if you're in debt you just got to think no like clearing my debt is more important than this right now and then set those expectations with those people so for example you might decide to my husband's family we do a secret santa because there are four of them and they've all got partners there's eight of us so we do a secret santa so we each buy for one person which obviously is so liberating it saves money and it also saves the time of having to think and go out and buy presents for all those people. And it's really nice. I feel like you can

really focus on that one person. And then we all feel like still that one present is from all of us because we've done this Secret Santa. Was that a conversation that you had once? Because we do that actually now. And I remember it was actually my sister-in-law and they were going through some different part. I think they were kind of buying a house and it was, you know, everything was really stretched. And she was really honest and she said, look, budget's a bit tight for us this year. How would feel about doing Secret Santa. And I think that was really, you know, potentially quite brave of her because there are sometimes a lot of emotions and maybe fear as to how people will respond.

And but actually what happened was that everyone, you could almost feel it through the WhatsApp group, breathed a sigh of relief and was so grateful that she suggested that. And we've done it ever since. But it did take that one person to take that step of saying, actually, this is a bit too much, is it okay if we do this? Yeah, so I think it was my mother-in-law who suggested it, but I think, like you say, one person says it, and I think it can actually feel very liberating to everybody else. You know, and there are other things, like if you've got, like, for example, my friend with three children, so the first year we actually said, should we just buy for the kids

this year? So we didn't buy for each other. But then the following year, we actually decided just to buy for each other, because we thought, the kids get so much. Let's just spend a tenor getting each other a really nice present. And again, just a tenor. But I think to save the awkwardness of, you know, you're either not buying for someone or you've set a lower budget that maybe you have done previously, just have that conversation. And I know, I know it feels awkward and it feels icky. But I just think just do it. And you actually would be surprised at how, like you say, the relief you actually might provide somebody else. Yeah, I love. Yeah. I think that's it. It's having those conversations and also being really open about budget because or just setting a budget. And instead of saying, you know, you can say, what's a comfortable budget for people this year? And that's not saying, you know, what can you afford? It's saying, what do you feel comfortable spending?

So we've got a family member that is incredibly generous with presents. And at points that we have not been able to be as financially generous. It can actually feel quite awkward because we get the most amazing present. But we're like, and here is yours. And there's this vast kind of difference. And for some people, they might want. to spend that amount of money but actually sometimes it's helpful just to stay you know our budget is going to be X per per present maximum so that if people want to exceed that that's totally up to them

but then there's no guilt and no awkwardness because actually you've collective you know you've agreed and I think it's always the best thing to go with the lowest the lowest amount that that someone feels comfortable with and I yeah I think it's a it's a gift in itself giving people this opportunity because I don't know about you but I wouldn't want to receive a present from someone that I love if I knew that behind the scenes that had a real cost attached to it that was far more than the price of the present yeah absolutely and I think if someone didn't feel like how you're saying then they're not the sort of person you should want to buy a present for anyway are they really you know if we're

buying presents people that we love and they love us in return and so therefore they should be receptive to to what we're telling them and what we're saying and you know if someone doesn't if it's because somebody's in debt they don't feel comfortable sharing that debt you can still have these conversations without disclosing that you're in debt can't you can still just say things are a bit tight this year could this be our budget or this will be my budget and like you say some people want to spend more and that's up to them isn't it because their resources are obviously greater than what yours currently are. And I think that's the thing. So me and my brother, for example, we always spend differing amounts on each other and it's always dependent on what's going on our lives.

There have been years when, like, I've spent a fiver on him and he spent like 60 quid on me, but then it all, it's sort of like chops and changes just depending on what's going on our lives. And there's never been like a, oh, like he only spent this small amount on me. It should be the thought of giving the gift, shouldn't it, rather than the cost that comes with it. I think you're so right. And you know what? There was a really, liberating moment for me when my daughter, she'd just been, was I, I was about to have her, that's it. It was Christmas and I was like heavily pregnant and had these two young kids and it was expensive and I was tired and everything just felt too much. Like all of this, you know, nursery things that

were going on and cards started coming through the door and the cost of cards, the cost of Christmas cards and the cost of buying stamps. And for a couple of years, I'd almost resented the fact like I would write these essays in the cards just to justify the expenditure of the card and posting it because you get the cards and you open it and it says to you know the martha's mary blah and it's like a couple of lines and i and i just think i wish you hadn't bothered because this cost you probably three quid you know and i remember thinking i'm just going to i'm just going to let myself off the hook this year so i decided that i wasn't going to do cards and jamie it was so hard because I was receiving these cards through the post

and I was literally having to sit on my hands so I was not to send one back for the sake of it because what I'd been doing the previous is basically had a box of cards and as soon as I received one I wrote one back to that person and sent it to them

so that, you know, to reciprocate. So it felt really hard actually just stepping out of that kind of tradition but what I did was I donated some of the amount to a homeless charity and I just I think I just put a message on Facebook I don't know if anyone does that anymore this was like five, six years ago now

and I just said I'm watching Christmas cards this year I'm donating the money to charity and it felt like such a relief and unfortunately over the years I've been struck off the list of people's Christmas cards list and I feel great about that but I've probably, you know,

that's easily tens and tens of pounds that I would have spent on Christmas cards that actually yeah, it just just felt like a liberating thing to think what you know what I'm just I'm not going to do that and I haven't done it since we do exactly the same we make a charity donation we put a status on Facebook I now send three Christmas cards a year and they are two elderly relatives that we don't see because that's the other thing you send a Christmas card to someone you're going to see in a

week so yeah we send three a year to elderly relatives that we know ungratefully receive them and I do write a bit of an essay in them about how the kids are doing I might put a photo in there of the kids. But yeah, that's it. We send three every year. And the same as you. Yeah. I've been struck off the list. Yeah, you've been struck off the list. I remember for three years, I got one from my cousin, like on repeat. And I like, honestly, the same as you, I felt so guilty. I was like, oh, and then I remember the year she didn't send one. And it felt like, I'd won. I was like, yes. You'd cracked her. Finally, you'd been struck off. She was like, there was a little gap on her mantel piece where Jamie's Christmas card would have gone and it wasn't there so but I think

that's it's it's so worth thinking about what are the traditions that I'm doing that actually are not serving me or my family anymore that actually feel more costly than they do enjoyable my mum makes about 100 Christmas cards handmates every year wow and sends them but she gets Jamie so much joy from it like it gives her as much joy making these Christmas cards And I love that for her. So, you know, that's not something I can imagine her stopping. But she's not kind of slightly resenting it or the cost. And she's, you know, she's having fun doing it.

So I think if things are serving you and you're enjoying it, then great. But actually, do you think, what are the things that I'm doing maybe out of people pleasing? Yeah, definitely. You know, I need to challenge. It's important what you say about your mum, because I always try with my platform to never shame people who are doing the things that we're saying. you don't have to do that because it's not about saying you shouldn't be doing this you know Christmas Eve boxes or Elf on the Shelf or Christmas cards it's about you know freeing yourself from doing it if it's becoming a strain on you for whatever reason

yeah absolutely and is there someone that this listener can speak to you about the extent of her financial struggles because often when we keep these things secret then they you know they can escalate and just get worse so if she doesn't feel feel comfortable opening up to her family. And you've given some amazing tips on how she might kind of approach the cost and maybe reduce some of the expectation, the cost pressure. But is there someone that people in this situation can turn to? Yes, so a really good charity is they're called step change. And I would say to reach out to them because they're amazing. They can point you in all the different resources and they're a charity, all the different directions of where you can go

to get help. They've got a website. They've got a phone number you can call. Yeah, they're brilliant. And I've had people that follow me. I've had followers say to me they've conduct to step change and they've actually helped them put payment plans in place with their debts and things like that. So they're a really good charity to get in touch with if you're worrying. Because it can just feel so weighty, can't it? It can feel like there's anxiety every day with the post and the emails and maybe demands for payments or seeing the interest rates are increasing. And there is hope isn't there and if you know as you said if you can look at what you're doing if you can think how can I allow my family to accommodate for where we're at in life and

remembering that you wouldn't want to receive a gift from someone that you care about that actually has a bigger hidden cost than the price tag yeah so how can you allow people to support you and just being a little bit more honest and open about about the restrictions that would be much healthier for you. And you may be surprised at the relief that you get in response. Yeah, definitely. I think also just to touch upon, because when this lady talks about family, just in case she is talking about her own immediate family, children, just to say that, so when I did my first Christmas on a budget, my budget was £60 per child. I had two children at the time. And I thrifted all of their presents. So I got them on Facebook market.

place, I got them in charity shops. And I just want to say my children still had the most incredible magical Christmas. Like they did not lose out in any way because I put this smaller price tag on Christmas. And I remember around the time, because when I posted on social media, I got, interestingly, I got very mixed reviews. So some people were extremely supportive and some people, I think, were quite shocked because they were ones that spent a lot more. And I remember I spoke to my grandparents about what Christmas was like when they they were little. And my grandparents, each of them said they used to get one toy on Christmas morning and they used to get walnuts and oranges or satsumas in their stocking. And that was,

that was it. That was all they got. And I said to each of my grandparents and was Christmas magical to you. And each of them were almost shocked. I could have asked that question. And they said, yeah, it was really magical. And I think it's really important for us to remember that all the things we remember from our childhood, our magical memories, generally aren't ones that had a price tag attached to them. So if I think of my top childhood memories, they're not, I can't even remember the presents I got. I think I can remember about two presents that I got as a child. But I remember all the, all the magical things, you know, going for Christmas lights walks or baking with my mum or going to the carol service, you know, all the things that didn't cost

a penny or they were very low in the cost of them. So true. And we didn't have. have much money at all growing up. And yeah, for me, it was, it was those little traditions. It was, it was the big Christmas meat, you know, the Christmas food and the company and seeing, like having a room for a family was just something we absolutely, in being able to stay up a little bit later and having, you know, there's just so much excitement as well going on at that time, isn't there. And I think we should normalise getting secondhand stuff for, for Christmas. We've never bought our kids a brand new bike. We've, last year, I think I got my dad two jumpers off vinted and he was absolutely delighted.

So I think we should normalise, you know, doing that, especially in this vast consumer culture where so much goes to landfill. If we can make wise choices, because even if people have the budget, this is also about, you know, making wise and mindful choices as to how you're spending the money that you do have. And yeah, I think that's a brilliant idea to be, to be thinking about how can I, yeah, maybe reuse something. And my kids never cared that they haven't had new bikes, never cared that they've had secondhand games. And yeah, I think sometimes it's, it's us, isn't it? Absolutely. Like, we feel like that. I remember for my daughter's fourth Christmas, a friend was getting rid of some our generation horses. You know, they're really expensive. And they were like a little bit tattie, like their main, sneakies.

She did a bit of a brush. And she just didn't want anything for them. She was just going to get, she wanted them gone because they're quite big and bulky, aren't they? So I had them. And I remember thinking in my head, they were quite a big present. And I remember I almost felt like I still had to get my daughter something else. You know, I thought, I can't give her these as her main present because I got them for free. And I had to really, like, have a talking to myself and be like, well, of course you can, because this is a main present.

And if you bought them new, that would have cost £100 because they're like 50 quid each. So that was her main present. it was free. But I did have to sort of get over some guilt of thinking, but I'm actually not buying her a main present, but she was still getting one, you know? Yeah. And I think that's a cultural thing, isn't it? Because so our economy is like fueled by this, this guilt, really. It's like, we need to buy new. We need to update. We need to, because it's just constantly coming at us. So I think, yeah, you're so right. Sometimes just recognizing when those should survive, I always should get something new or I should get something else or I should. Actually, why?

Should you? Do you have to? And another thing I've seen going around social media recently, which I think is really helpful to mention is someone said that they went into the charity shop. And the person working there said to them, you know, we wish so many people to clear out after Christmas. And then we get a deluge of toys. Whereas actually, what would be really, really helpful is if people did the clear out before Christmas so that we could fill the charity shop with toys for those parents that, are looking to buy something for their child from, you know, secondhand. And I just thought that was such a brilliant idea. So that's something I'm going to do. I'm going to do the clear out before Christmas so that I can, you know, hand some stuff over. So I like that as well. Yeah. So we do a clear out before Christmas and we tell our children that we need to do it to send the toys to

father Christmas so that he can repair them ready for Christmas. So that really helps get my kids on board as well. we do it a couple of weeks for, sort of early December. Yeah, and they get on board. And it's a nice way to teach them, too, about passing their things on, isn't it? And like when something's no longer serving us because we've outgrown it, it's really nice to then pass that on for someone else to benefit from it. You know, another child, a younger child.

So, yeah. That's great. And those kind of challenging, those cultural, that, yeah, all the, the buy, buy, more, more coming at us. And as children, we used to do those shoeboxes each year, you know, full a shoebox with small, small things, small toys, small bits and pieces and unused pencils. So I think, you know, again, instilling these little traditions that are actually kind of the antidote to the consumer culture that we live in that are teaching our children. Actually, it's also about giving what we what we have as well to those that don't.

So yeah, some amazing affirming practical advice there, Jamie. just really grateful for your wisdom. And I hope that our lovely listener has found this helpful. And everyone else listening that either is being anxious about the expenditure at Christmas or just wants to be a little bit more mindful about how they're spending. So Jamie, how can everyone find you and come and find all of your amazing warm wisdom? Let us know how we can find you. Also on TikTok, I am Savvy Jamie. So that is Savvy with two Vs. Savvy Jamie. Yep. And Jamie has felt the boy. way. That's always how I have to describe my name because people always try and feminise it by

adding extra eyes or extra ease. And then on Instagram, I am Savvy Jamie Rose, which is my middle name. Savvy Jamie Rose. Well, thank you Savvy Jamie Rose for your tips and we really appreciate it. And thank you for listening, everyone. And we will be back soon. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you for listening to The Therapy Edit today. If you enjoyed it, please do take a to like and subscribe so we can share the words further and wider. If you have an Ask Anna question or an anonymous confession for the Confessions from the Therapy Room episodes, head to anamatha.com and click on the podcast tab to submit. Want more? Grab a copy of my most recent book, The Uncomfortable Truth.

Change your life by taming ten of your mind's greatest fears or enjoy some of the video and downloadable resources on my website, tackling everything from burnout to driving anxiety. So until the next episode, goodbye. Bye.