The Therapy Edit - Ask Anna - my resolutions always crash and burn!

Episode Date: January 6, 2025

In this Monday episode of the brand new Ask Anna series, Anna is joined by Katy Hill, Personal Development and Empowerment Coach, Speaker, Podcaster, Broadcaster and Writer. Together Anna and Katy tackle the following connundrum: "Hi Anna, every year I make big resolutions and by January I feel so frustrated with myself. I don't want to keep repeating this pattern, but I'm desperate to change some things for myself. How do I stop this crash and burn cycle?"Do you have an Ask Anna question you'd like to submit for future episodes? Or an anonymous confession? Visit the website to learn how Learn more with Katy at the following links:Visit Katy's website and learn about her Limitless coaching course.Follow Katy on Instagram.

Welcome to The Therapy Edit. I'm your host, Psychotherapist and author Anna Martha. I will be bringing you bite-sized episodes twice a week full of tips, wise words from expert guests and insights to support your mental well-being. Hi everyone. Welcome to today's episode of Ask Anna. And each week I receive questions from you guys and we play them in the form of a voice note and I invite a guest on to share. their thoughts. So today I have with me, Katie Hill. Now, Katie is a personal development and empowerment coach. She's a speaker, a podcaster, a broadcaster, and a writer, all of the things getting her wise words out there. And we were recently on a stage together at Fern Cotton's Happy Place. So that was, that was lovely. And we've, we've had to just be disciplined and hit record, haven't we, Katie? We have. We were chatting. Oh my gosh. And when I saw you at Happy

place you know it was like meeting an old friend wasn't it and i think that's what's beautiful about instagram and the online world is that you can feel like you know each other and the amount of times we've said we must have lunch and then we've never had lunch but we did get to hug at happy place in real life we did yeah and you're just as warm and lovely as i imagined yay i love that it's nice when you meet people and they feel as you imagine they would feel yes 100% that and i think that also comes from as we as we progress through the years as women. I think we just become more and more authentic and I think we care so much less about what everybody thinks and we just step into, you know, our true selves as I describe it.

But I'm sure we'll come on to that in a minute. Yeah. So you share a lot on different platforms. So you're, you know, you see your clients as a coach. You do podcasting. You do broadcasting. You write. And what is the, what would you say?

some of the veins were that kind of threaded through your work. What sets your heart on fire? What do you just yearn for everyone to know or feel? My big calling is to equip and empower other people to unlock and unleash their potential on the world. And we all have so much potential. And I know this because I was the shyest kid at school who wanted to do Blue Peter and made it happen.

And I think it was such a lesson for me in how you are not your natural disposition. You are not what you are choosing to believe of yourself. And each of us I firmly believe has a powerful impact that we can have on the world. And if we don't step up and into this incredible potential that we have and unlock our confidence and whatever it might be for you that you need to get to that next level, like that potential and that impact is lost. It's not like when we were at school and there'd be a netball tournament and you weren't really feeling it. And so you'd hide in the loose so they didn't pick you. and someone else would step in.

Like, your impact is yours. And if you don't impact the world in the way only you can, that's lost forever. And I think, you know, I am so passionate about women, particularly unlocking their truth at whatever season of life they're in. And I'm a powerful example at the age of 53 of how you can feel lost, which I did at 47, and I felt like life was off and I didn't feel very me. And so I took action to find me again.

again and I found me with bells on and I feel more fulfilled now in my new career as a coach than I ever did in broadcasting. So, you know, if I can go from one quite public career into another, there's so much potential for everybody to pivot and just find the thing that is going to light you up, you know. Oh, that's so hopeful, isn't it? And so empowering. And sometimes we we do have to kind of step back a little bit and think and dream about what that might actually look like. And as you were saying about pivoting a career, I was thinking about my mum because she trained as a counsellor at the same time as I did my psychotherapy masters. So we were training together. And for her, it was a massive pivot from physiotherapy that she'd always done.

And I just remember feeling so inspired by her that I don't know, I think so many people, we can just go through periods of life feeling like we're just stuck. Like there isn't another option and sometimes, and I guess that's part of your role to step in and be like, let's have an explore as to what that might look and feel like for you. And it's so hopeful. Yeah, I think it's also like making sure that you recognise that you want life to be different, but then doing something about it. And women typically come to me because they've lost in motherhood. So many women lost in motherhood. Menopause, midlife, like whatever it is, they know there's more for them. And they're. they just don't feel like them anymore. That's the best way of describing it. It kind of all comes back to identity. And I'm passionate about unlocking your identity and your truth today. I don't care about who you used to be. It's about who you are now and crucially, who you're becoming and where you're going.

And that's what excites me. And I think we look after people in different ways. Therapy is so much deep dive on what's brought you to hear. And actually as a coach, I'm really interested in who you are now. and where you're going so we kind of between us cover cover the whole lot yeah yeah oh I wonder what people are thinking listen to this whether there maybe you've kind of got the cogs wearing about yeah what they might what they might have dream because actually we put so much on hold don't we in motherhood often it just things kind of go on ice and they can gather dust and sometimes and it

might not even feel relevant anymore some of the dreams that we had maybe we need to find new ones but we need space for that. But I learned something really powerful the other day and I think it's really useful to share that when you hit as a woman, perimenopause and menopause, your hormones go back pretty much to what they were before you ever had a period, right? Wow. Which I think is incredible because it's like, oh my God, like if that childhood you could see you now, what would she say to you? Would she be thrilled with what you've done with your life and how you're living? Would you be proud telling her about life now or would you feel like there's more for you and you'd feel like you were letting her down? I went on a retreat recently and I never go on

retreat. I was invited on a yoga retreat which was really beautiful and there was a meditation one evening and I literally sat there sobbing because this meditation said something along the lines of lay flowers at the versions of you who have brought you to where you are today. It gives me goosebumps even to say it. And I just thought of all those iterations of me through my life, the shy girl, the girl who decided she was going to try and get that job on telly that she really wanted because she wanted to jump out of planes. The girl who landed that job and recognised that she had a very different set of circumstances

but was still the terrified shy girl and had to deal with all of that. And, you know, when you think back of all the versions of you that are brought to you where you are now, they're all so important in their own way. And it's like, okay, what are you going to build? What are the versions of you going forward? How are you going to grow and evolve into, you know, the most fulfilled version of you? Oh, my goodness. That's so powerful, isn't it?

Because they're thought of laying flowers at the feet of the different versions of you. That's about honour and respect, isn't it? And I think so often we can look back over those earlier versions of ourselves with criticism, with maybe shame, with regret. And actually that acknowledgement that we were always doing the best we could with what we knew. Yes. And if we went off peace or we went off the rails,

that's probably just because we didn't, that was just all we could do at that point. Yeah. And you would have learned in that as well. Yeah. Yeah. It just struck me as. Honestly, I literally lay there.

But I wasn't even just crying. You know, when you're doing the, and all these women on yoga mats, I had to really try to fit in. It just felt so powerful, you know, because we can be so mean looking back on ourselves, I was going, why did you do that? What did it, you know, it's like, no, she was trying her best.

I love that. Oh, my goodness. I mean, I'm going to ask you the question now, play the voice note, but you've already given us so, so many golden nuggets of wisdom and things to think about. So thank you. That's just what you do. That's just what you do. They just come out.

So here is today's voice note. Hi, Anna. Every year I make big resolutions. And then by mid-January, I've. feel so frustrated with myself. I don't want to keep repeating this pattern, but I'm desperate to change some things for myself. How do I stop this crash and burn cycle? So, yeah, okay. First things that, yeah, come to mind to hear that. As a coach, I'm probably going to say the opposite of what you think I'm going to say, because I'm going to say January is the worst time

for setting resolutions, right? We've just probably come off the back of Christmas. of being all things to all people. We feel depleted. We've kind of thrown the kids back in school or nursery or whatever they are. And then we're going, right, how am I going to smash this year? And actually, I prefer to flip it and look at it with a much more nurturing lens. And as a coach, I am all about goal setting and I'm about helping you achieve those goals and all of those things. But the key is in the word big, right, that they said in that voice note.

And they've set big resolutions. and I would say if you want to be setting powerful resolutions, number one, keep it really simple. And number two, how can you approach it with a really nurturing lens? So if you think of what's happening in nature, right? Wintering's happening. Like it's hardcore living in the UK. Or if you live anywhere around the world that happens to have a winter,

it's hardcore. January's dark. This is not the time to be going. I'm going to go to the gym 10 times a week and blah, blah, blah, blah. And actually, if you get curious around what your resolution is, a lot of resolutions are born out of a negative place, right? A lot of resolutions are born out of, oh, I want to go to the gym because I want to be slimmer or I want to, you know,

and you set all these huge, huge resolutions and things that you plan to do. And actually, I would say, how can you be kinder to yourself, right? How can you set kind resolutions that are in support of you? so when you get to that January 31st day think about how can I go inwards like literally take 10 minutes and go what do I need for me to enter next year in a powerful way is it I'm going to give myself permission to enjoy self-care every week is it I'm going to give myself permission to go on a girl's night every week or go on a date night every week is it I'm going to set and keep more powerful boundaries like if you view it through the really nervous Lens and think about in nature how wintering, how all the plants are shedding their leaves. They're shedding everything that doesn't serve them. They are underground really nurturing their roots so that in the spring they can come out with these powerful goals, which is a time that I love to do goal setting, actually.

So how can you best support you in a really lovely, powerful way? And if you want to kind of make sure you follow through with them, you know, something like, I want to, you know, see the girls once a week, right? Get clear on why it matters to you. Why do you want to see the girls every week? Who's going to benefit from that? Because if you're happier, your family and everyone around you is going to be happier, right? So the knock on is huge.

So actually get clear on why this thing is important. You know, I need to see the girls every week because they fill my soul up. They make me feel incredible. They're my cheerlead crew and I need to tap into that, you know. and how is it moving you towards the future that you are ultimately wanting? And actually, if you also make yourself accountable, so literally what's up the girls and go, right, we're going to do better this year. I want us to meet up every week.

It's so powerful. If you make something public, put it on Instagram. I'm just putting it out there. I'm going to see the girls once a week for my well-being. You're 65% more likely to make it happen. Oh, wow. If you can partner up... So the accountability.

Yeah, the accountability is key. If you can partner up and hold each other accountable, you're 95% more likely to take the action. So for me, resolutions are separate than goals. And I just think it's really important that we are kind to ourselves. Because January can be brutal. And we're depleted. We literally don't know which way is up.

We've had, you know, a December of, maturities and madness and mint pies and all the things. And I generally find that resolutions that people normally set come from a place of negativity about themselves. I don't like, you know, I feel bloated, therefore I'm going to go to the gym. You know, I'm all for keeping fit. I'm all for taking care of yourself because you've got incredible plans for your life. And you need to be well and healthy to make those happen and make those important.

incredible goals that you're going to set happen. But the first step is, how can I be kind to me through January and make sure that I start the new year with that gorgeous lens of kindness and nurturing on myself that I know is going to serve me in the rest of the year? It's such a challenge. Yeah. I love that. More nurturing, thinking about the why and holding on to the why.

So you actually know when it comes down to it and the planning or the, you know, the decision that's in front of you in that moment you've got that why to hold on to. And what would you say about this kind of crash and burn? Because I think what we're hearing here is that it's kind of all or nothing, you know, they go off-piece with the goal. And then that's it. It's crash and burn. It's done.

It's over. It's broken. Yeah, absolutely. And this is what happens because we get this amazing vision for, you know, I don't know what it is. I'm going to go to the gym every day, for example, for the whole month of January. set this huge vision, but we don't actually put tangible steps in place that are going to get us there. And then by day three, when we haven't gone to the gym, we throw the whole lot out of the

window. We feel terrible about ourselves because we failed on something. So how can you be kinder? How can you set a more realistic goal for January? You're not going to go to the gym every day, but you might want to go once a week because it's a gorgeous, I don't know, dance class that makes you feel amazing or it's a yoga class that makes you feel zen and more able to show up and regulate yourself with your children the following day, you know? How can you set something that's realistic that's not born out of a should of society of joining a gym and all that craziness? You don't need that in January. And I think what I'd love everyone just to get curious around is, I think the biggest resolution you can set for yourself is how can I show up as more of me in 2025?

And actually at Happy Place Festival last year, where you and I first met, I was hosting the talk stage both days. And what was beautiful and what came out of everything that happened on the talk stage, there was a real message of, everyone leave your mask at the door. You get to show up here as your powerful, authentic self. And so my challenge for everyone listening would be, how can you show up as more of that authentic, beautiful you? How can you just strip away like the trees, leaving all their leaves behind?

rid of all those shoulds of society that Instagram's telling you that everyone's telling you you should be and what does the life look like that you want to be living. Go in here, go into what's in your heart because it's all in there. It's a really different place. Yeah. Different place from using that launch pad of like guilt and shame and feeling gross and you just want just to wipe the slate clean almost. Yeah. And I think it's such a, I'm speaking from experience, but I imagine my experience. is quite normal, all of the resolutions I've ever set have come from a place of almost in the past, probably self-loathing and, you know, wanting to do better or be better or feeling like

I should be better, whatever better looks like. And actually, all I really needed to do was start living more authentically to who I was and probably being kinder to myself. You know, I'm so much kinder to myself at 53 than I was at 30. I mean, the things I would say to myself when I looked in the mirror at 30 compared to now. You wouldn't say it to your best friend. So, you know, that in a mean girl, she has a field day at New Year. So everyone be ready for her because she's in there. Yeah, look, watch your back. So injecting some humanness into the goals that we're setting then. So instead of going for the all in, I'm going to go to the gym this many times a week, actually thinking how can I inject some humanness? Because that's kind of quite robotic, isn't it?

Yeah. It sounds pretty exhausting. Some of the. Some of the resolutions I've set for myself, they haven't lasted because they haven't acknowledged the fact that it's hard to change and challenge habits. And also the habits that we're often trying to change are actually normally there to help us at some point. You know, we've grabbed on because we've needed a feeling of control or we've needed a distraction. Actually, it stops serving us.

But have we tended to the reason why we grabbed onto it in the first place? because if we haven't and if we haven't got healthier coping mechanisms in place, then we're just going to create a vacuum by either that habit to come right back in or go and grab something else that probably will be trying to shake off next year as well. And actually, you know, so you do want to start going to the gym a little bit more, for example, just set a really tiny goal, not the big goal that was mentioned in the voice note, but okay, I'm going to go once a week and I'm going to do a class I really love or I'm going to do netball with the girls.

And you know what? I'm going to buy myself some new gear. And it doesn't mean going to Arlo Yoga. You can go to prime market. It doesn't matter wherever you go. Like, whatever it is that is going to have you stepping into that space, feeling great, feeling excited and energized for the thing you're going to do. And feeling like it's supporting and nurturing you, not feeling like it's born out of,

oh, this is what I should do, you know. Yeah, I think just that guilt again. Yeah, and being so kind to yourself, you know, I think also, I just, you know, I don't feel like any of us are born for the pace of life in 2024, 2025. We weren't in agreement. We weren't. We weren't built for this. We really weren't. So actually, how can you simplify life? You know, I'm really into this nurturing feeling for January, February. March I'm all about, you know, in nature, that's when all the new birth starts. Like, that's when I kind of really amp it up with my clients. And crucially, actually, for parents a lot. September I see

is a really powerful new year when the kids are back. The school new year. But for me, January is just a really unnatural time to go, right, here we go. It's like we should, in nature we'd be hibernating, right? So just be kind, be kind and think, how can I nurture myself?

Like, what are the podcasts? Which of Anna's podcast haven't you listened to that you can dive into? What do you want to fill yourself up with? You know, how are you fueling your spirit? It's about filling yourself up this season, you know? How can you feel inspired? Thank you so much.

Tell us a little bit more about your work and where people can find you. Yeah. Yeah, I love it. And I am all for goal setting. Don't get me wrong, but I'm also awful. It's funny because my company is called Limitless. And actually, I had a really interesting talk with someone the other day about limitless is a really powerful word, but it is not to be misconstrued as living lives at 100 miles an hour and doing all of the things.

limitless is about living your authentic truth and unlocking what that most fulfilled life looks like for you. It's success on your terms, you know, like Michelle Obama did a beautiful quote once and she said, success isn't about how your life looks to others. Success is about how your life feels for you. And that's how I started on this whole journey in 2017. Life fell off and I was unfulfilled. And I had everything on paper that was success, but it didn't feel like me. And so I changed it. So I'm on Instagram. It's really hard to find me. I don't know why I made it this hard. It's at I'm Katie Hill. No apostrophe. Not I am, not I'm. I am Katie with a Y Hill. That's probably the best place to find me. And send me a DM if you want any, you know,

I have I have downloads. I'm actually currently in the process of doing something around powerful goal setting, which would be really useful for anyone who does want that side of things but just to encourage you to be nurturing and life is a lot you know and everybody i will just finish by saying that i coach them women for more walks of life i coach stay-at-home moms i've coached an american senator like they're all in there right but every single person without fail has shit going on is what i'll describe it as you know and and it's very easy in this glossy instagram life that a lot of us inhabit sometimes to look at the squares and go that's not my life. That's not anybody's life. So just remember that. You know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So

true. Yeah. So thank you. Thank you. Your kind, lovely words. You know, if you're going to set goals, go ahead, set goals. Make them realistic. Make them kind. Make them human and seek accountability and people to support you along the way. But yeah, just such empowering, kind words. Thank you so much, Katie, for joining and answering that question for me. Thank you, my darling. Thank you for listening to The Therapy Edit today. If you enjoyed it, please do take a sec to like and subscribe so we can share the words further and wider. If you have an Ask Anna question or an anonymous confession for the Confessions from the Therapy Room episodes, head to Annamartha.com and click on the podcast tab to submit.

Want more? Grab a copy of my most recent book, The Uncomfortable Truth. change your life by taming 10 of your mind's greatest fears or enjoy some of the video and downloadable resources on my website, tackling everything from burnout to driving anxiety. So until the next episode, goodbye.