The Therapy Edit - Ask Anna - my teenager hates me

Episode Date: December 16, 2024

In this Monday episode of the brand new Ask Anna series, Anna is joined by Vickie Neave, AKA INPOLIFE, Content Creator, Artist and Parent to 4!Together Anna and Vickie tackle the following question: "I have struggled so much with my teenage son. I feel like he hates me and doesn't want to spend time with us over Christmas at all and is heading to spend it with a mate! Is it wrong that I feel relieved? He's always saying that I prefer his sister over him, and I'm so ashamed because if I'm honest, it's true. Is there hope for my relationship with him?"Do you have an Ask Anna question you'd like to submit for future episodes? Or an anonymous confession? Visit the website to learn how Learn more with Vickie at the following links:instagram: @inpolife

Welcome to The Therapy Edit. I'm your host, Psychotherapist and author Anna Martha. I will be bringing you bite-sized episodes twice a week full of tips, wise words from expert guests and insights to support your mental well-being. Hi everyone. Welcome to a guest episode of the Therapy Edit. It is an Ask Anna. And for this one, it's about teenage parenting. I'm not there yet, but I know someone who is, and I'm always so grateful of people on social media, especially who just share honestly and openly about parenting teenagers, because whilst my oldest one is 10, I'm seeing little hints of teenage behaviour. I had a very teenagery argument with my five-year-old the other day, and I thought, oh, goodness, this is just a little insight. So I invited Inpo, Vicky Neve. I

actually knew her as Impo for so long. I sometimes struggled to remember that she has an actual name that isn't impo. And Vicky is, in short, I've taken this from her website because I absolutely love how she described herself. It's not an easy thing to do. She trained as a journalist, deviled in PR, had four babies, built a business, lost a business. She started to create some artwork, absolutely stunning, beautiful need-a-piece in my house. Maybe that's my 20-25 goal. So go and have a look at her beautiful artwork and her process, creative process that she shares. Anyway, I digress. Her teens told her about Instagram. She laughed, joined in, watched, fell a little bit in love with it with Instagram. And then we very much fell in love with

her. Her artwork, honesty about teen parenting, grief, fashion and anything else that happens to be on her heart. She's a little bit of this and a little bit of that in no particular order. And that's where Inpo comes from. So it's just so wonderful to have you, Impo. Can I start every day like that, please? We're good, wouldn't it? Can you imagine waking up and somebody doing that and you just go, okay? I'll be your hype girl. I'll be your little hype girl sitting in your bedside table.

You can just get me out when you want me. Oh, I'm going to send you some pom-poms. Thank you. Pompoms would be a great addition. But how are you? How are you today? You're looking very cozy. I'm sitting under a rug with a mug,

like a little granny. I've got my mug. And you're wearing a rug. Yeah. You look like you're wearing a cozy. You've got your mug and you're wearing a rug. Yeah. But I've got you on stay because I've got a teenage question

and you've got so many teenagers. I've got a fourth teenager now. I've gone through teenagers. I can't believe. I call them kid adults now because when people go, I say I've got four kids, people just see little ones And then I go 23, 21, 19 and 15. So they're, you know, they're children,

they're my children, but they're kid adults. They're, you know, grown-ups. But yes, we have been through it and going through it. It's, you know, it's what you think it would be. But there is also, sorry, I'm losing my voice. There is also so much joy. And that's what I like to sort of put into the world that I think we look, to the teen years as this whole

because so many people say, oh, you wait, you wait to their teens. And so I was dreading it. I didn't realize that actually there's so much joy in this time. So, yeah, but we've got a question. Thank you. We've got a question. And thank you for that.

Yes, you're erasing yourself. And it's been all of those things, but actually you didn't realize that there was going to be so much joy. And I love that. It's the both, isn't it? So the question is in the form of a voice note, which I am going to play now. I've struggled so much with my teenage son.

I feel like he hates me and doesn't want to spend time with us over Christmas at all and is heading to spend it with a mate. Is it wrong that I feel relieved? He's always saying that I prefer his sister over him. And I'm so ashamed because if I'm honest, it's true. Is there any hope for my relationship with him? so big question conflicting feelings is there hope what comes up for you you can sort of feel and hear that pain in her because we all want that perfect Disney relationship with our teenager

and the truth is that it can be really isolating for them and us as parents and my biggest takeaway as a parent was something and I hate to say this sometimes but I really learnt it from my husband because he didn't get hurt by the teenagers nothing that happened there could be huge rows there could be just that sullen time

when they're ignoring you seemingly for weeks he didn't feel actual pain by it and I had to take a step back and think oh I'm making their teenage time about me about my feelings and I had to sort of withdraw myself and think this is their time did I actually hate my mum no I didn't did I try and hurt quite a lot. Yeah. And just trying to go back to that time and really remember, we've been teenagers. So we do have an insight. We just seemingly forget it at the time. And maybe he's really trying to hurt you. And sometimes that's just a reflection of their pain and all of their issues that they're dealing with.

And boys have this raging hormone that is seemingly uncontrollable. It seemed to happen overnight with my boys. My cute little kid suddenly was this, they seemed to grow as well, literally overnight. One walked it through a room and I was like, who is that? Especially when they go, hello, mum. and you're like, excuse me? Well, Mitchell, what are you doing in my house? You don't sound like my kid anymore.

What have you done with him? So we have to sort of step back and look up why they're feeling this way. And maybe he is seeing that you have this relationship with the sister that is so much better than his. but it's just because she's easier. It's just an easier relationship. So it's getting across to him that love is the same.

It doesn't matter. It may look like you love the sister more. You get on better. It's an easier relationship. The love is still the same. And the only way I have ever found communicating with, especially my boys, is that side-by-side moment

and it's in the calm, not in those fiery times. That's never the time to address anything. I'm fiery, my teens can be fiery. My husband isn't. I don't know how he does it, but he is calm.

And so you can't do anything in those moments, but there will be times, especially if you are taxi, those side-by-side moments in the car are a time when you can raise these things and just tell him that you may not think that I'm the best mum in the world. You may not enjoy spending time with me and time with the family. And maybe that's another key is to stop it. being you and him and make it the family and use that relationship you have with your daughter

to build bridges with him and it's never a competition um i know that with my teens sometimes they'll throw something back and say but with liberty you did this and with and it's it's like it's this competition which is so hard but it's it's trying to show him that basically you are there that's it that's all he needs to know that you will be there that you love him and that you will be here but for christmas it's trying to get across that that is family time it's so precious it's precious to you um and it's at the end of the day if you get that across to him in a calm manner and he still wants to go,

it's an incredibly hard one because are you going to destroy Christmas? Is Christmas going to be ruined by him being there? By feeling forced? I wish I had the answer to this. In fact, this is, thanks for giving me a teen question that sort of doesn't have a right or wrong

but maybe that is the thing with teens is there literally isn't a right way or a wrong way it's their way but in a way that you're not allowing them to be in charge of the whole of the decisions and rolling the dice it's it's got to be a collaborative thing and so that is

it's always about communication So that's so hard when they're teens because, you know, I had one that just didn't like to be around us. But the way we got her back wasn't my way. My way was trying to entertain and trying to find fun ways of getting her to be with us all the time. The way that worked was just to let her be, which broke me. And let go. And letting go. It literally broke me.

I'd be sitting literally here with her upstairs and the whole of the family happening thinking she's not here. But she didn't need to be. And that was what was really, really hard. So with this situation and Christmas, Christmas is such a catalyst. And is he using it because he's, knows this is causing her pain. So sometimes they do things because they want to start some sort of argument. They want to release all this testosterone in a way with the boys, but all

of this angst and strange feelings that they have inside. And my husband used to say to me all the time, the reason they're taking it out on you is because you're their person. So hot, isn't it? Yeah. And so you can take that and you can now, when I look back, I think, oh, isn't that lovely? At the time, I remember, I don't want to be that person. This is horrible. I cried those tears.

I cried those tears to be that safe place, to be that person. Yeah. Yeah, I hear that. And I wonder also, you know, as you were talking, I was thinking maybe he wants to be begged. Maybe there's a part in him that wants to be. fought for. And I was thinking, what would I, I don't know what, I wonder if having that conversation when things feel calm and say, you know what, I would love you to be there for Christmas. I will, I will miss you if you're not. I will miss you. I will miss you, but I want to

give you that freedom. But I also want you to know that you're wanted. And I'm not going to fight you and I'm not going to beg you, but I want you to know that you are welcome. And there is always enough food at Christmas, right? Like, there is always leftovers. So I just wonder if bearing him in mind when it comes to quantities and just saying, if you change your mind, even at the last minute, there will be food for you. And that compromise. Because also this buildup, all this build up for this one day, he may well, you can't

know, but he may well go to his mates. and he could be there half an hour and then come back. But he was making a point in his statement that I'm going to my friends. You don't know. He might be there all day. And that's the hard thing, isn't it? That you're sitting there going, he doesn't want to be with us. And it's about removing that and going, right, why is he doing this?

And okay, and if you can, like you say, be calm and be absolutely open with him. and share that love and say, I would love for you to be there. It's family time. It wouldn't feel the same without you. You know, and whatever his thing is, oh gosh, you know, you make me laugh so much, you make me smile, all those things that, you know,

what will we do if you're not doing and trying to pick up on any of those Christmas moments that you know will, maybe hit home with him a little. Who's going to build a Lego? I don't know. You know, just something that you're connecting him to that time, that he can then think, oh, I had special times.

But as you say, give him that freedom rather than it becoming a fight, because will he then step down? Will he be there but begrudgingly and actually, You know, she said here, if I'm honest, I feel relieved that he said he might not be here. But I think sometimes that's that push, pull, isn't it? And maybe it's easier just to have that decision made so you're not there wondering and you're not there missing and you're not there. But actually sometimes when we hold these things in an open hand and we know that someone is only there because they've chosen to be there and they want to be there, then they come with a different kind of atmosphere, don't they? Oh, exactly.

If he is forced, if that is his only option, you are staying here, that's it. The day will not be a great day. He's going to have that ammunition in him to fuel whatever this, all his feelings are and roll with it. And there's no amount of Christmas joy that is going to change that for him. so like you say being open about how much you love him how much it would mean for you to you to have him there and how much it would miss him but if that's what you want and that's what you need

then obviously I'm not going to stop you and if it's very difficult because as they get to teenagers you don't have the relationship with the other parents the parents of teen friends that as many of them anyway so but if you do happen to know them then it might be that you can have a conversation with those parents as well and just say

you know you know obviously it breaks me that he doesn't want to be with us but at least with you he feels comfortable and maybe they might be able to help guide him back to me. Yeah. So there's something about leaning into where you find yourself at this stage of a relationship

and it was making me think again if you kind of sat on the sofa seeing the majority of your family around you and knowing that your daughter was upstairs and just sitting with that grief almost of this isn't how I wanted it to be. This is really painful and this but actually when we when we just allow ourselves to deal with what we are faced with and feeling in that moment that might be grief and loss and, you know, expect, kind of failed expectations that don't, it doesn't look

how I wanted it to look or how I'd like it to look, that actually then we're not fighting with with what is happening. We're not trying to control the narrative. We're not trying to force something that isn't, you know, with that other person that they're not ready for or open to at that point. And yeah, that actually, it kind of frees both of them in a way. It frees the listener to think, you know what, this is where we're at in our relationship, right? now and as you've said and given us that example she's it took a while and now she's you know that relationship is probably feels different to you sing on the sofa just with a slightly broken heart and the the key thing is when I speak to her now as an adult and I say gosh that

all that time that you were what felt like me to me didn't want to be with us and and you were in your room and you weren't she wasn't very open and you know there wasn't much communication what what was that time for you and it was just a time it's just what she needed she liked being on her own she wasn't sad i thought she must be sad she must be sad and lonely in that room all that time even though i could hear music playing i could hear her singing i could her jumping around a lot of the time there was so much that I was feeling about it and now when I look back and think

she was happy that's what she needed and yeah I constantly tried to pull her back to me because I needed her to be around and I wanted that family and if we were watching a film and she wasn't here I'd be incredibly sad thinking she's missing out. But those times when she needed me or she wanted to be around, she was there. Oh, it's such a letting go, isn't it?

It's like parenting, they see. It's just so many losses in a way. It's just changing seasons. And the kids are often like stepped right into our new season where they're going, but what does this mean? This is different. And I wondered if, you know, before we. finished, we could speak into this feeling of, you know, he's always saying that I prefer

my sister over him and I'm so ashamed because if I'm honest, it's true. And I just, I want to speak into that shame, I think, because I think sometimes we, we really pressure ourselves to feel a certain way when actually, you know, it's understandable to not really necessarily want to be around someone who isn't being very nice to you or who doesn't want to be there or you feel like they're forced in your company. So despite the fact that sometimes we expect ourselves to kind of perpetually hold this archetypal, you know, ideal of motherhood while we're just always want to be with our kids and we love them and they're always wonderful.

Actually, it's okay to not want to be, spend a lot of time around someone who isn't being very nice. And that's okay. It's okay. I can't tell you the amount of times I have gone, I can't do this anymore. and I pick my keys up, I do it now, and I just leave. And you can do that with teenagers. You can't do it with little kids.

It's not the thing. But it's, I have to remove myself from the situation so much. And it's to protect us both, because what is the point of us both just going? Just, you know. Someone needs to step out of the ring. Step out of the roof. But the thing with the balance of feeling like you prefer one or it's easier to spend time with one over another, it's not the thing that you have to go back to is love is the same.

But love, you love both of them. And so that's always going to be an equal thing. You love them both. They are both your children. One happens to be easier at the moment than the other. And there may be a time in your life where that balance shifts. And it's, you know, and that's then another adjustment. But for now, and what he needs to know as well, is actually, I do find it easier.

And I said this to my boys a couple of times. I was a girl. I was a teenage girl So maybe in some part I can understand so much more I wasn't a teenage boy I don't understand all the feelings and all the hormones that are happening to you

Maybe dad does better But I don't get it It's not as natural to me But talk to me Tell me what I'm doing wrong Because I think often we're so scared of confrontation And we're so scared of confrontation and we're so scared of doing the wrong thing as mums that it's a frightening thing to say you tell me then

tell me what I can do better tell me what you need for me because I want to do it I want to give everything I can to make you happy so if there's something I'm doing wrong please tell me don't be afraid to hurt me that's humility doesn't it that's a difficult yeah because you're basically saying yeah i don't know what i don't know what i'm doing help me help me out here i don't really have i've not done it before i don't know what it feels like to be you but i want to i want to do it well gosh there are so many amazing tips for this not just this one um listener but just yeah i mean you've given us hope you've said yes it's everything you expect it to be but also there's so much more joy than people are necessarily going about you've talked about allowing yourself

to grieve the times and seasons and changes and you've talked about kind of holding some of those things and expectations in more open hands and kind of like leaning into what is rather than what you feel like it should be and trusting that as you as you do that actually it gives teenagers more freedom then to kind of step back in when they feel wanting and able to and yeah just thank you thank you so much and can you tell us um Do you want to tell us, is there anything you've got going on at the minute that people can come and find? Or is it, I definitely think people will need to go and find your artwork. Are you doing much of that at the moment?

I've just tidied up my studio. It's been a strange time because my mum just died and I can't be creative when I'm really sad. It's just one of those things. Yeah, especially your artwork. It's got so much kind of joy in it as well. It's happy. Yeah. You'd be working with very different colours.

but I have just tidied up the studio so I'm hopeful that you know I'm moving into that so yeah yeah well I encourage people to go if they haven't already found your feed I partly wonder where they've been but also just to you know

just to grab a cup and have a scroll through your words they're just honest and beautifully like the way that you reflect on kind of the human experience is just so beautiful and gives words to other people so I'm going to grateful, grateful for you and your work and your words.

Well, I'm grateful for you. Thank you for sharing with us today. Thank you for listening to The Therapy Edit today. If you enjoyed it, please do take a sec to like and subscribe so we can share the words further and wider. If you have an Ask Anna Question or an Anonymous Confession for the Confessions from the Therapy Room episodes, head to Anna Martha.com and click on the podcast tab to submit.

Want more? Grab a copy of my most recent book. the uncomfortable truth. Change your life by taming 10 of your mind's greatest fears or enjoy some of the video and downloadable resources on my website, tackling everything from burnout to driving anxiety. So until the next episode, goodbye.