The Therapy Edit - Confessions - Christmas is TOO loud!

Episode Date: November 29, 2024

Today Anna tackles a new anonymous Confession from the Therapy Room;"I'm really excited for my first Christmas with my husband's children. It's been a long time coming. However I'm worried that I'll find the noise and intensity overwhelming. How can I make sure my nervous system doesn't crash and leave me not able to cope with all the chaos that Christmas with kids brings."Anna replies with some compassionate advice and tips that will help everyone, regardless of whether they can relate to this confession or not.Do you have an Ask Anna question you'd like to submit for future episodes? Or an anonymous confession? Visit the website to learn how Please note - the names and voices of some of the Ask Anna/Confessions contributors may have been changed at their request.

Welcome to The Therapy Edit. I'm your host, Psychotherapist and author Anna Martha. I will be bringing you bite-sized episodes twice a week full of tips, wise words from expert guests and insights to support your mental well-being. Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit. Today we have a confession from the therapy room. This is an anonymous confession. I'm smiling because it resonates very hard with me, and I think it's going to be super useful for so many people, as is always with these confessions that we get is that even if the specific scenario doesn't resonate with you, certain aspects of it, and definitely the advice that I share with you, for sure will resonate with you. So this was a confession that I received. And yeah, I'm really excited for my

first Christmas with my husband's children. It's been a long time coming. However, I'm worried that I'll find the noise and intensity overwhelming. How can I make sure my nervous system doesn't crash and leave me not able to cope with all the chaos that Christmas brings with kids? Oh my gosh. It's such a good question, isn't it? Because excitement levels are very high in our household. And excitement, even though, you know, it's a good emotion is a very stimulating one, just as with any other of those big emotions that we feel and those around us experience, you know, it's stimulating, it stimulates our bodies and our nervous systems. And we all have, and I find this so helpful to remember, we have cups with every capacity. You know, we can feel touched out, right? We can feel like our touch

cup is full and we need space because we have a physiological capacity for stimulus of any sort. It might be stress that you have navigated enough stress and there is an amount of stress that's actually quite healthy and good for us and it builds resilience. But when we go beyond that, it is really stressful on our nervous systems and our bodies and we can feel overwhelmed. So just like with any other cup of capacity, if we want to use that metaphor, we also have a cup for noise. And I think, yeah, my cup gets pretty full, pretty fast in our household. And those who follow me over on social media will know that I'm often talking about kind of feeling quite overstiminated with the noise in our house. It doesn't help that

one of my kids, he has no volume button, as if anyone had a volume button. As if anyone had a volume button but I would really quite like to just turn down a notch or two sometimes because it's a lot to be receiving. So I really resonate with that part of this confession. So there's a lot of excitement here for her first Christmas with her husband's children. It's been a long time coming. It's been long awaited. So I'm sure she's probably really looking forward to that. And I think you know, you will feel the same maybe around Christmas. There's probably some aspects that you're really looking forward to but if we're really honest with ourselves um it can be a lot and yeah i mean there have been many Christmases where we've been in many of us in one room lots of movement

lots of noise and the kids tend to flag don't they it's like the sugar crash um but it's also the you know they they're not so defended against showing that they've had too much of something you know whereas for us we often have this narrative in our mind of like well I should be should be happy there should be I should be finding this easier like somehow the fault sits with us that we've reached capacity when actually it just makes scientific sense so when my kids are bouncing off the walls and we're saying right better take you outside for a run around you know it's about acknowledging that we have that response to and that it's really really normal it's a really normal thing and so yeah I think this

this listener just knows that it's going to feel like a lot maybe in a different way to how it has felt before and she wants to be able to enjoy it, enjoy it, but also she wants to be able to acknowledge when she's had enough. And I think sometimes we override that feeling, don't we? Because I think, oh no, I can't just nip upstairs. I can't just get some space. I can't just say, you know, I'm just going to go on a walk around the block. So I don't want to, as if it's somehow offensive to others, as if it's a personal statement on you are too much for me or you are too loud or you when actually it's just I'm finding this a lot. My nervous system is finding this a lot. I've had a lot of input and now I need

the opposite because really that that is what we have too much of. We need the antidote to that and we've had too much noise. We need quiet and we've had too much movement. We need stillness and we've had too much digital input with work on our phones. What we need It's the antidote to that, which is just as nature, really, is the antidote, isn't it? So I'm going to give you some tips, and these will feel very relevant. And these are all tips that I'm going to be putting into place, because this is definitely one that resonates with me. So five tips. Okay, number one, consider your needs.

If you struggle to know what those needs are, sometimes I think in those situations, we can think, right, I'm just over, I'm overwhelmed, so too much. We don't know what we need as a response. so have a thing now what do you need when you feel overwhelmed start noticing this start asking this question of yourself now so that when in future you find yourself tipping into that feeling of overwhelm and overstimulation you already ask that question because when we're feeling overwhelmed when we're feeling stressed the answer to that question of what do I need it can feel out of reach because we're stressed we're not necessarily thinking clearly we're in that kind of activated state so have a little think about what do you

you need when you feel stressed, when you feel overwhelmed, when you feel overstimulated? And if you do find it hard to think about what those needs are, think, right, what have I had a lot of? What is going, what is there a lot of right now? And what is the antidote to that? What is the opposite to that? Because that might be your answer right there. And then, yeah, talk to your husband. This is my advice directly for this listener. Talk to your husband. Explain. that you find noise and intensity a lot sometimes and it's absolutely it's not personal it's not an attack or a criticism as we fear it may sometimes be received and sometimes let's face it sometimes that is how it is received right but if we can just explain to ourselves explain to people

around us ahead of time explain to that one person who can be kind of our you know our ally in that situation ahead of time then it can be really helpful to state that need in the moment you know it's one is not criticism. It's just a fact. We all get over-stimulated. The levels to which, for various different reasons, is that tipping point vary between all of us. In my husband, he is a lot more able to receive more noise and audible chaos than me. And I think I'm sensitive to that, but also I'm exposed to a lot more of that in the day-to-day life than perhaps he is when he's out of the home more. So this, having that conversation just sets that expectation that at some point you will

need to factor in some calm and space and talk about what that might look like so that you know and so that everyone knows and your partner knows or whoever it may be will know that actually that's just what you need. You're not, you're not, it's not a reaction. It's a planned, you know, you know that this is what you need. So if I go up for a walk on Christmas Day and I'm like, oh, I'm just going to head out for a little walk, it's known that that's something I do. It's known in our house that that is what I do.

That is what I need to do. And I think when we are so focused on the needs of people around us, we can overlook our own, but also it can feel quite alien to ask other people to accommodate those needs of yours. we all have needs we all need to be supported and accommodated for by each other and I think when we're not and we just sit there and we try and override it

and actually what starts building up is overwhelm maybe even resentment real stress and yeah we know what that that seeps into relationships doesn't it that seeps out and it just comes out sideways and it's less

it's less productive than if we just had that little conversation So tip number three would be plan in times of calm ahead of time. It might be the solo walk right on Christmas morning, before breakfast, I'm going to go for a little walk. Or it might be that before lunch or after lunch, I'm just going to have a bath. Whatever it may be, just plan it in, set the expectation. I'm a big waker up early. I don't naturally, naturally wake up at quarter to six necessarily.

but that's what I do to make sure that I've got some, that I've, that I do the things that make me, that give me extra capacity. Because I think so often we can just think, right, no, I will do that at some point. I'll go for a walk at some point. I'll do, I'll move in that way or I'll do that workout, whatever it may be, I'll have that conversation at some point, but some point just keeps rolling on and rolling on and we get to the end of the day and it hasn't happened. so plan in that time it might be that you have a secret word you use to signal that you're off to take a break a break or a or a breather or a lap around the block maybe you know if you don't feel comfortable kind of expressing that need that you agree this word or this nod or this look

that right I'm off now I'm just going to I'll be back in I'll be back in 10 it's okay you just imagine that you're just kind of releasing some you know you're just yeah absorbing some some calm and quiet so you can go back in and then reabsorves some of the noise and the chaos again, the happy sounds. So planning those times of calm. Number four, know the signs. What does it feel like for you as your body starts to move towards that overstimulated state? Because when we don't tune into those signs, what can happen? And this happens a lot when I'm working with anxiety. You know, the clients will come and they'll say, I just have panic attacks out of nowhere. I just suddenly, you know, just in sudden burnout out of absolute nowhere.

And in truth, there will, there will, there will have been little signs and little, little tells, little physiological kind of prompts, like little lights on the dashboard kind of blinking away, going, okay, I'm not okay here. Some things, it's a bit much, that we just override because it's not really convenient, is it? It doesn't feel convenient sometimes. But know the signs, what does it feel like for you as you start to get overwhelmed? What are your own personal towels? Is it that your shoulders tense? Is it that the noises just start

to feel louder and more abrasive? As you start to notice them at this earlier state, so you're not waiting just to feel slammed by this sudden overwhelm or this sudden sense of, get me out of here, it's too much, wondering where the heck that came from. You know, you can ask yourself, right, what can I do at this point? What do I need at this point? What might I need in the next 10 minutes? what can I give myself? How can I support myself? It's a much more kind of planned way to approach it and it means that we're much less likely to get to that point of get me out of this is too much or it does come out sideways and we do just kind of say things out of reaction that are probably more likely, you know, to cause that confusion or offence that we so much

don't want to cause. So as you start noticing what those signs are for you, that's a really great way to be able to respond at a sooner point. So you don't get to that. Then number five, look for the tools that help. My big one that has changed my life in my house is earplugs. I buy the loops ones off Amazon and I get asked all the time. Do you have a discount? I'm like, no, I do not. I wish I did because they cost me quite a lot because I lose them quite a lot. But they're great. So just they are kind of noise reducing earplugs. But if I don't have those, I just stick any old ear plug in one ear, one of those foamy sleep ones. I just put them in one ear because it just kind of reduces some of that

input a little bit and just softens that input. Maybe one of your tools is that you just use to pace the day. So with your husband, you think, right, how can we paste the day? How can we paste the day? So there's a bit of breathing space. It's not just one bunch of present unwrapping rolling into a loud Christmas movie rolling into, you know, how can we just pace the day so it's not a mountain of unwrapping and then sugar crashes. And so, yeah, I hope that's helpful. I mean, I'm going to definitely be putting all of those things into place this Christmas because there's a lot of kids and a lot of excitement and a lot of noise and it's all great and joyful, but it's also just a lot. And I think stripping away the shame, it was sometimes,

I think we really can shame ourselves for finding good things hard. You know, good things, excitement, fun memories, a long-awaited experience of having Christmas with your husband's children. It's all good, but it's okay to find certain elements of it hard and that's just how we are as humans. So yeah, don't shame yourself for finding good, joyful things a bit much sometimes because it's just a lot coming at your body, a lot coming at your nervous system. So yeah, I hope those little steps are helpful. Head to my website if you want to share your confession. It's completely anonymous so we don't take like any details from you. It's just a little box and you can type your thing in. And what else is going on? Oh, I've got the Frazzled Mum Club over on Substack, which I

am really enjoying. So you can go and find me on there as well where I'm sharing kind of more motherhood reflections, but I hope that's helpful and I'm sending you love. Thank you for listening to The Therapy Edit today. If you enjoyed it, please do take a sec to like and subscribe so we can share the words further and wider. If you have an ask Anna question or an anonymous confession for the Confessions from the Therapy Room episodes, head to anamatha.com and click on the podcast tab to submit. Want more? Grab a copy of my most recent book, The Uncomfortable Truth. Change your life by taming 10 of your mind's greatest fears or enjoy some of the video and downloadable resources on my website

tackling everything from burnout to driving anxiety. So until the next episode, goodbye.