The Therapy Edit - Confessions - I get mean when I'm overwhelmed

Episode Date: November 1, 2024

Welcome to the very first Friday episode of a brand new series of The Therapy Edit! Today Anna tackles an anonymous Confession from the Therapy Room;"My confession is that when I’m easily overwhelmed, I can say the unkindest things to my husband that make me go cold when I think about them in a neutral environment."Anna replies with some compassionate advice and tips that will help everyone, regardless of whether they can relate to this confession or not.Do you have an Ask Anna question you'd like to submit for future episodes? Or an anonymous confession? Visit the website to learn how Please note - the names and voices of some of the Ask Anna/Confessions contributors may have been changed at their request.

Welcome to The Therapy Edit. I'm your host, Psychotherapist and author Anna Martha. I will be bringing you bite-sized episodes twice a week full of tips, wise words from expert guests and insights to support your mental well-being. Hi and welcome to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. So this is a whole new format for our Friday episodes and they're basically going to be confessions from a therapy edit. the therapy room. So every Friday, I'm going to be sharing with you a confession that somebody has kindly sent in. And we're going to start with a bit of compassion, because I always think as a therapist, these confessions tend to hold a bit of shame, don't they? Which is why we want to share them anonymously, because we're worried about being judged. So we're going to bring in some compassion

to begin with. And then I'm going to share some thoughts and tips. Now, if the confession doesn't feel like it really deeply resonates with you. If you're not listening and thinking, yeah, this is me, then still listen because honestly there are going to be some tips and thoughts and insights that will feel really relevant for you. So when I work clinically, this is actually my therapy chair. So I'm sitting on the other side of the room. I've moved my camera around. I'm a bit discombobulated, but I'm finding a new normal because I just wanted to mix it up a little bit and I wanted to share some therapeutic words directly to you guys, directly in response to the questions that come my way. So the confession that we have today says this. My confession is that

when I'm easily overwhelmed, I can say the unkindest thing to my husband that makes me go cold when I think about them in a neutral environment. I mean, I don't know about you, but I can definitely relate to that. I think we are all, we are, yeah, we all find ourselves saying things, maybe doing things, responding in ways that we later wish, oh, we can be absolutely mortified, can we?

That we later wish that we could just take it back. I mean, the whole, the old adage of sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. is absolutely rubbish, isn't it? We know that actually the words that have sometimes hurt us the most and the things that have hurt us the most are words. They're not things. So therefore, when we say things and we know that they might be vicious or we know that they might be quite attacking in that moment, we hate it. We can feel so much guilt and shame because we know how it feels and if we're really honest, we don't want to inflict pain on other people. And we can see that in the

clarity of the moment after when everything's died down and we get to reflect. But how then do we find a way to do this less often? So I've got some notes here. Normally I read these from my laptop screen, but I don't have one in front of me. So going old style. You know, I think the most important thing is if you are reeling after having said something to someone, someone that you love, maybe a child, maybe a family member, is that you find compassion for yourself. In that moment, at the end of the day, regardless of what was going on, you felt threatened. Your sense of safety was at threat. That is why we do these knee-jurkey things. It's kind of a self-protective thing. It's a way, it's that fight or flight. It's that fight, isn't it? It would be great if sometimes in those moments we actually chose flight and we chose just a

remove ourselves. It's that adrenaline and that cortisol and that feeling of threat and panic picked up. It would be great in my life in those moments if I was just to take a step to flee outside of the door and to take a breather. But often we go for the fight. We go for the fight and we fight because we feel threatened in some way. And it might not be that the other person has done anything wrong. It might not be that they have done anything, you know, aggressive. It might just be that actually something within you in that moment felt threatened. It might be that you felt exposed.

Maybe they called you out on something that you find really hard to acknowledge in yourself. Maybe there was so much going on and you just felt overwhelmed and it was just a way of changing the situation and asserting some power. and a sense of control because in that moment that's what it does and it when we throw those vicious words or we hurt someone in a way

that only we can because we know them often it's that we're just wanting a sense of power because maybe it's our inner child that actually just feels quite powerless in that moment so we can offer ourselves some compassion

that's really really important because often there's shame around these moments isn't there like some are just cropping up in my mind as I speak and you know often that that feeling that follows and we think about these moments is shame so this is why compassion is so important because when we feel ashamed we just carry on attacking ourselves so we've attacked someone else in a way and now we're just attacking ourselves so this is helpful to no one but when we give ourselves some compassion we can then have some clarity and think okay that really wasn't ideal I wish I hadn't said that

I was feeling threatened because, and it gives us a moment to reflect, but it also gives us that invitation to think, what can we do next? You know, in that moment, your nervous system is triggered. That nervous system fight or flight response is triggered. Now, I have found this so helpful to know, and it really is helpful for a lot of the parents that I work with, particularly, that your nervous system does not give a toss as to whether the thing that is triggering that stress response

in you, is a bear. I mean, how often do we face bears, unless we're at the zoo and then we know we're quite safe. But, you know, it's quite a carnal response. And our nervous system does not care, does not give care to whether there's stress coming towards us that we want to fight or flight is a bear or maybe, you know, a situation which we need to fight or flee for us are very physical safety. Or is a lot of noise or overwhelmed coming from. from a child that we love or a partner that we deeply care about, you know, we are feeling that threat and panic and that very animal part inside of us is going,

fight, flight, get me out here. Now, make this change. I need some power. I'm not okay. I'm feeling threatened. And I think that's so helpful to know, especially when we experience that guilt or shame is that actually in that moment, that perceived threat, so often it isn't real threat. Sometimes it is. my body was just doing what it has learned to do to keep me safe. So have a little think, you know, what was going on for you in that moment? In these moments where you just come out with that viciousness, that anger, that rage,

whatever that looks like, what was going on for you? If we think about that inner child inside that's saying, I'm not okay, make it stop, make it stop, I don't feel safe. What was that responding to? So there's a gap. between the trigger, whatever feels stressful, whatever feels threatening. Might even be a look, it might be a sarcastic remark that actually makes you feel exposed or it makes you feel powerless. So there's a gap between that trigger and that reaction.

There is a gap. There can be a gap. But often when we feel, when we're feeling overwhelmed, when we're feeling stress, when everything is going on, we don't have much of a, we don't have much of a contingency. I call it the, um, the Mary Poppins to the incredible Hulk gap. Okay. If I am low on resource and I'm overwhelmed and I've frazzled and it's all going on, I can go from Mary Poppins, la, la, la, la, to the incredible Hulk, within a matter of moments. And take that as a little, take that as your weather vein. How quickly does it take you to transition from that moment of trigger might be that sarcastic remark to that anger, that response and the quicker that transition you know that's telling us something there that you're

under resource maybe you're under supported maybe you're under rested maybe you're under validated you know all these maybe you haven't had enough fun recently maybe there's too much need coming at you all of these things shorten that gap so that you are like that stretch elastic band that just flips you know the straw the broke the camel's back that one thing and it all just comes out we call this displacement in therapy where one little trigger happens and then actually the response seems so much, so out of proportion to how you might want to respond or normally respond. And that is often because it is just an excuse for an emotional release that perhaps you have not had for a while. So if that gap between the trigger and the reaction is

small, then I would encourage you to be thinking, what do I need? What am I lacking? What can I do? big or small to give me a little bit more of that gap. So I would also encourage you, lovely listener, as you mentioned that you are easily overwhelmed sometimes, start noticing when that sensation of stress is rising up in you. And sometimes we don't notice it. Sometimes it's just like it comes out of the blue. But if we can start to attend to it, if we can start to just monitor how we are and how quick that transition is between the trigger and the reaction. Then we can start learning that actually there's a buildup. You know, there's a buildup. There's a little buildup. There are little red flags that

often we just override. It might be that you're feeling tired. It might be that you're feeling irritable, hormonal, that you're hungry, lonely. You're just under-resourced in some way. You know, start noticing what does it feel like in your body? when you feel overwhelmed and that stress starts to build up. Do you notice yourself getting particularly noise sensitive? Do you notice yourself just wanting to retreat? Start noticing the little signs because as you attend to these signs earlier on, you're less likely to have those moments where you just explode and it all comes out in sometimes

what can feel like quite a destructive way that needs repair causes collateral damage that needs clearing up. And that is the most amazing thing is that we can repair. But instead of just thinking, oh, I hate it when this happens. This is such a mess. I'm going to have to repair it. You know, also think, what am I needing here? What am I missing here? How can I stop resourcing myself so that maybe I can have that bigger gap

between the trigger and the reaction? So I get a choice as to how I want to respond to what has just happened. The earlier on that we start to pick up on the fact that, we're in that space, that reactive space, the more agency and choice we have to do something about it. It's like the runaway train. You know, the earlier we are able to slow that train down, get the brakes on, the better because as it picks up speed and as things escalate and worsen and we become more needing. Because often when we overlook the needs that increase that, you know, contingency, it doesn't, it doesn't mean that they go.

away, it just means that they normally become more urgent and more, yeah, just more needy. So in those moments, when you notice that you're feeling overwhelmed and you're feeling very easily pushed over the edge into anger or overwhelm. Speak to yourself. Coach yourself as you would a child, as you would someone that you care about. You know what? You're having a hard time right now. What can we do for you? Because I think often when we feel that way, the voice, if we're honest that we used to speak to ourselves, tends to be like, what's wrong with you for goodness sake? Why are you being so intolerable? What's the matter? You should be more patient than this. How can we instill for you? More of that coaching, supportive, nurturing voice. And also have a

plan. When you know that you're feeling heightened and when you're feeling easily tipped, what can you do? What is helpful or supportive for you? For me, it's going on walk. Getting out into nature, just allowing my nervous system to calm down, just breathing in the fresh air, feeling really grounded. It really resources me. Honestly, a few years ago, I would have totally eye-rolled at that, but I've discovered how powerful that is. So you find those things. Another one for me is doing a crossword or something like that. Just doing something where I sit down and just focus on something that just draws my attention closer in than, you know, what can feel like a bit of a fireball sometimes and things just feel so frenetic. So what can you do that just

brings you back to yourself? Maybe when you notice that stress reaction, just feeling so present, you do some star jumps, just run around, dance in the kitchen, anything, expel some energy because what happens when you are feeling stress is that you have this kind of flood of adrenaline and quarters of these stress hormones that say you need to fight or flee. Now if you do some sudden movement like star jumps, you're giving your body the signal of, okay, I've run away from the bear now, you come back down. So that can be really, really helpful as well. The other thing is just have a look at the bigger picture of your life. What is going on right now that is draining you? What is going on right now? That it might be, you know, you have older parents that are

needing you. Maybe there and well, you've got young children that are needing you and you're stuck in the middle and it doesn't feel like there is anything for you that they're. there is nothing left. How can you seek them emotional validation? Maybe you need to place some healthy boundaries around work to resource you a little bit more. Maybe you need to lean on friends or community a little bit more to help you through this time.

We'll just find those people that say, yeah, I get it. Maybe you need to make sure that you're nourishing yourself, feeding yourself, that you're doing those things that enjoy you and refuel you. So the important thing is just to zoom out, see the bigger picture of it. what are the things that might be adding to that sense of overwhelm? So there we go. If you are finding that you are easily snapping at the moment,

you're feeling under-resourced. These words are coming out of you that you just want to take back. Compassion. Compassion. In that moment, you were feeling threatened. Even if the person wasn't threatening, really, something inside of you was feeling threatened. How can you tend to that?

How can you zoom out to the bigger picture? and see what it is that you might be able to do to get more support or help yourself. So I hope that is helpful. I have actually got a workshop and our long video workshop on my website, anamatha.com, that is all about overwhelmed and burnout. So that will really help in this situation. And also I did a podcast with Dr. Becky. And we were talking about those moments of rage in parenting,

but relevant, you know, relevant to all. relationships really where it all just, it all just gets messy and how we can repair, how we can seek repair. And actually that's a really important learning for life, really. Things do get messy sometimes and what do we do after it. That's the most important thing. So I hope that you have enjoyed this new format of the therapy edit. Please do send in your confession so that I can kind of add a compassionate twist onto it. And yeah, can't wait to see you soon. Thank you for listening to The Therapy Edit today. If you enjoyed it, please do take a sec to like and subscribe so we can share the words further and wider.

If you have an Ask Anna question or an anonymous confession for the Confessions from the Therapy Room episodes, head to anamatha.com and click on the podcast tab to submit. Want more? Grab a copy of my most recent book, The Uncomfortable Truth. Change your life by taming ten of your mind's greatest fears or enjoy some of the video and downloadable resources. on my website, tackling everything from burnout to driving anxiety. So until the next episode, goodbye.