The Therapy Edit - Confessions - I want to work, my husband wants a stay-at-home mum

Episode Date: January 31, 2025

Today Anna tackles a new anonymous Confession from the Therapy Room;"My husband really wants me to be a stay at home mum and has very traditional ideas about how we should live. I used to. think this was what I wanted too but lately I've been feeling like I really need something else to fill my days beyond the children and the housework. I'm nervous about what this might do to our marriage and also a bit overwhelmed about where to start when it comes to starting a search for a job."Anna replies with some compassionate advice and tips that will help everyone, regardless of whether they can relate to this confession or not.Please note - the names and voices of some of the Ask Anna/Confessions contributors may have been changed at their request.

Welcome to the Therapy Edit. I'm your host, Psychotherapist and author Anna Martha. I will be bringing you bite-sized episodes twice a week full of tips, wise words from expert guests and insights to support your mental well-being. Hi everyone. Welcome to today's episode of Confessions from the therapy room. Today's confession is really interesting actually and I'm looking forward to unraveling it with you. And the confession is this. My husband really wants me to be a stay-at-home mum and has very traditional ideas about how we should live. I used to. I used to think this is what I wanted. But lately I've been feeling like I really need something else to fill my days beyond the children and the housework. I'm nervous about what this might do to our marriage and also

a bit overwhelmed about where to start when it comes to searching for a job. Oh, so, good hey so interesting and actually like i really resonate with this because my was not so much from my husband's side of things although i think he really appreciated his upbringing and he had more of a traditional upbringing whereas for me my mom worked um was actually the breadwinner throughout my childhood and um so i saw her working she a physio so she you know sometimes in the holidays we would sit in the waiting rooms and play around with the crutches while she saw patients. And so I had a quite different experience for him. However, I really, really wanted to, I imagined that when I had a baby, I would really want to be that stay at home mom if I had

the privilege of choosing. And I think it didn't take me long into maternity leave to realize actually really, really missed seeing clients. And I had to really challenge my own fantasy in a way. And for the both of us, really challenge that fantasy because logistically it did make things a little bit trickier with me kind of wanting to go back to work and the costs attached to, yeah, childcare and all of those things and just juggling and what that would look like.

But it was, I think what was interesting for me was having to let go of this fantasy because actually it didn't match up to the reality of what was right for me as a person and someone that just really enjoyed working and also really enjoyed parenting. Yeah. So I really relate to that. And I think, you know, feeling a shift in what we want for life, it's actually really natural. I think we can so often project into the future and imagine what we want life to look like when actually the reality when we get to that stage of our lives can tend to look quite different. My life in so many ways does not look like I expected it to look and doesn't feel like I expected it to feel. And that is really normal and natural,

especially as your priorities shift and you grow and yeah, you move through different ages and seasons of parenting. And I think it's really great to this listener here that's actually just acknowledging these feelings and just wanting to find a way to balance your needs with your family's needs and your partner's expectations. So here are some thoughts. Number one, just, yeah, there's a conversation to be had here, isn't there?

and a conversation to be approached and may be one that you need to kind of say, look, I'd really, really like to talk tonight when the kids are in bed or when the baby's asleep. I'd like to have a real chat about, you know, how I'm feeling about life and, yeah, work and motherhood. So just set the scene for a conversation, give space to this conversation. Because I think sometimes what happens is these conversations come tumble, out at a time that we haven't really planned and they're so full of emotion and maybe fear,

you know, worry, because I'm sensing worry here about how your husband might respond to these thoughts that challenge perhaps the fantasy that he has of a family life. And I think sometimes, yeah, these conversations can come tumbling out at a time that actually is maybe full of emotion and it's quite loaded and maybe it's off the back of a difficult day where you just kind of come out with something that's like, oh, I just want to be back at work. I just miss myself. And then these things can come out sideways and it might not be the best context for a conversation. So just make space for this conversation.

And when you begin chatting, I think it's really important to talk about your fulfillment rather than a rejection of a fantasy, rather than, because as is often the way, we go into these things. thinking we're on the same page, we go into these things thinking, yeah, this is how we want our family life to look like. And it is a joint, it is a joint, you know, family is a joint thing. It's, it's teamwork. So actually, if it's, if it's not working for you, it's not working for anyone. You know, as much as he might want to hold on to that ideal or that fantasy, if it's not working for you, it's not working for you as a team. So approaching it, talking about, your fulfillment, you know, rather than that, that rejection of this idea that we had,

you know, the actual reality of it is, is, you know, I feel like I might benefit from working. I feel like I might benefit from doing something outside of the home. Can we talk about how this might, you know, look for us as a family? And yes, be ready to listen to his perspective. But also affirm this need, you know, this sounds like this is a need that you have maybe kind of out of worry as to how it's received you may be not spoken about it i'm wondering if you've spoken to to others about it but yeah if it's not working for you it's not working for you as a team just as in work in in any kind of family or team setting if someone is kind of questioning the

dynamics of the team and feeling like actually this isn't this isn't working for me then really is on one level, even if not on the surface level, it will be impacting the whole team in a way. And when it comes to a relationship, if we know that actually we're not feeling fulfilled, if we know that there's a part of ourselves that isn't getting the airtime or the space that it needs, if we know that actually we are so grateful but we feel like something is missing and we don't verbalize it, it will be coming out sideways. It will be coming out in how open you feel to having conversation. It will come out in how you feel after a hard, like parenting day. It will come out in how you respond when you've got friends that are working and you're feeling a little bit

jealous. So it will be coming out in ways, even if it's not speaking about, even, you know, in those nonverbal ways. So start with a conversation. Number two, when it comes to, you know, when it comes to this conversation, make sure that you're also speaking to people outside of your family, you know, trusted friends. It might be that you join a online community of moms that are re-engaging in the workplace, especially if you're looking for ideas, you know, you need some inspiration or some practical advice, but just start building that little network of support as you are choosing to step into this, yeah, season of exploring, working. So, yeah, it's tough, I think if you feel like a lot of this is in your head and you are worried about bringing it up,

I think what can happen is that we start formulating our partner's response. So we can already feel quite fearful if we are assuming that they're not going to like it, that you can feel like you're going to have to fight your corner, you're going to have to put your foot down. You might be met with some opposing kind of resistance when actually, you know, this is about you. This is about you finding more wholeness. for yourself in this season of your life.

This is about you wanting something else to fill your days. And that is so valid. That is so, that is so, so valid. And I think, you know, yes, so seeking that support, having those conversations and allowing, encouraging your partner to do so too. Because sometimes there is a bit of a grief. Even if it is good change, it's still change.

And sometimes there can be a little bit of a grief in letting go of an idea or an ideal or a fantasy that has been held about family life that does not look like that. And it might be, you know, that he needs that, he needs to be able to kind of, in a way, grieve. It's not like someone's gone, but actually it's what is lost is a version that he has really held on to. And maybe he feels like that's what he grew up with and that was really good. So therefore, that's what he wants to replicate. and it's that reminder to both of you to him that there are so many other ways of doing kind of day-to-day life as a family and it's important that you yeah that you that you are

able to to explore this for yourself so when it comes to practicalities you know that my third point is really just to start small think about just start thinking about and I think sometimes we encourage ourselves not to be envious or jealous when actually envy can really teach us something So are their jobs, roles, things that friends or family members are doing that you often think, hmm, I really, or I get their sense of like envy really because I want a bit of that. And maybe someone's working part time and they've built up a business and there's something really attractive about that to you or maybe, you know, three times a week they're stepping out and, you know, they're not in like the usual mummy clothes that we live in.

But actually they're, you know, they're looking like really slick and they're off to work. in a corporate environment, something really different to their day-to-day. And it's just like this brilliant kind of stepping into a different role. And there's something about that that you think, oh, my gosh, I would just love that. So that's my third point. My fourth point is, yeah, just acknowledging that it's really normal and okay to feel nervous about change. It's also really normal and okay to feel nervous about approaching the topic of change

with someone who is a constant in our lives. because you know what I love this quote I heard and darn I can't remember who said I don't know if it's Esther Perel and she said you know my husband has had many wives and all of them were me and I just think sometimes it is this sense that as we in our relationships we grow we change and evolve and sometimes we surprise each other and we turn to the other person we're like wow you're you're really not the person I married and that isn't a negative thing because if you're supportive of one another normally that's like a positive thing. that we are just growing and changing.

But in a way, it sounds like you are contemplating, stepping into and trying out a different version of yourself. And that's great, but you're in it together. So, you know, seeing it in that way can just, yeah, if your husband can find a way to be supportive, then actually he could really see you fly and thrive as you explore this. So no, it's okay to be nervous. It's okay.

We're challenging the status quo and actually prioritizing your needs. and making yourself, you know, finding ways to feel more fulfilled is actually means you're going to be a happier parent and you're going to be a happier partner. Go and have that conversation in a really intentional way. And if you need it facilitated, like if it goes a little bit wonky, then, you know, maybe you just need to go and see if you can have a session with a couple's therapist just to really sort of talk this through because it is so worth pursuing. It is so worth pursuing.

Otherwise, we can feel resentful that there's an unlived part of us and resentment. and it's just not great when it comes to a relationship as it? And it just, yeah, can get a bit messy and come out sideways. So I'm really excited for you and I wish you well in this conversation. And thanks for listening, everyone. I hope that was helpful. Thank you for listening to The Therapy Edit today. If you enjoyed it, please do take a sec to like and subscribe

so we can share the words further and wider. If you have an ask Anna question or an anonymous confession for the Confessions from the Therapy Room episodes, head to Anna Martha.com and click on the podcast tab to submit. Want more? Grab a copy of my most recent book, The Uncomfortable Truth, change your life by taming 10 of your mind's greatest fears, or enjoy some of the video and downloadable resources on my website, tackling everything from burnout to driving anxiety. So until the next episode, goodbye.