The Therapy Edit - Confessions - life stress is destroying my relationship

Episode Date: February 14, 2025

Today Anna tackles a new anonymous Confession from the Therapy Room;"When life is so utterly stressful - ASD kids, or just kids!, no family support/village to speak of etc and you end up just feeling...nothing towards your partner.You think maybe you might still like them if everything else was cleared away but really all you can feel is nothing/irritation... probably aimed at life but coming out in your marriage."Anna replies with some compassionate advice and tips that will help everyone, regardless of whether they can relate to this confession or not.Please note - the names and voices of some of the Ask Anna/Confessions contributors may have been changed at their request.

Welcome to The Therapy Edit. I'm your host, Psychotherapist and author Anna Martha. I will be bringing you bite-sized episodes twice a week full of tips, wise words from expert guests and insights to support your mental well-being. Hi everyone. Welcome to the Therapy Edit Confessions from the therapy room where I talk about, I share a confession that has come in completely anonymously and I share my thoughts and therapeutic insights on this. So today, I just know this is going to feel so pertinent with so many as you listen. Yeah, it's someone who is just concerned about their relationship. So they have said to me, life is utterly stressful.

ASD kids or just kids, no family support, no village. I just feel nothing towards my partner. I think maybe I might still like them if everything else was clear, way but really all I feel is nothing and irritation probably aimed at life but coming out in my marriage yeah who does this resonate with is this resonating with you as you listen I just want to share some of my thoughts this is a lot isn't it those big questions of is this just life is it my relationship can my relationship withstand this I've got nothing left there are times I think that we relate to when yeah relationships can just feel like another thing on your to-do list another thing

vying for your attention another reason to overlook like really pressing needs that you have and it can feel like another area in which you're just disappointing someone and not doing anything well so yeah it's it's just understandable isn't it that that this feels heavy and yeah there are always so many layers, especially when you've got children that have additional needs, layers of stress, just lots of needs coming at you, lots of responsibilities, and especially if you do not feel like you have that support network to lean on, people that can step in. The thing is we have limited emotional reserves. We have limited emotional reserves. And when you look back at the pandemic and you speak to the people that were working on the front line and, you know, the empathy and the

the emotional reserves were just so often depleted that people will talk about feeling, you know, going to a point of just feeling quite robotic and just kind of lacking the normal just compassion because we can get fatigued. We get fatigued in so many different areas of our lives and we know about physical fatigue where you just don't have any energy in our left. Yeah, we have emotional reserves and just like any other, any other sense like we can get depleted in that. And if you have not got kind of really good support around you, if you have not got ways to kind of vent and externalise some of the fears and the feelings and how some of those needs met, then that, that is just kind of, we can just run dry. We can just run dry and we're not being topped up. So irritation is actually really, really common when we're in highly stressful seasons, especially when you're juggling a lot and you are just not getting the rest that is the relief. that you need. It's not, as you say, it might just be life. It might be a reflection on life, but when we feel irritated and often as we know so well when our kids come home from a childcare

setting or from school, you know, they let out, they let out their emotion on us. And as hard as that can feel, we know psychologically, we know that actually it's because they feel safe with us. Sometimes this can happen in relationships and we are just feeling totally depleted that our partners get the brunt of that kind of the letting it out. You know, when we come home, we're just like, oh, we don't have to put on a mask. We don't have to be ultra-efficient in those moments. We are just done in. And sometimes it's only our partners that get real insight to that.

So irritation is just, think about it. It's like your nerves are irritated because your body isn't feeling calm and safe and rested. So it makes so much sense. So yeah, this irritation, we know it when we feel hormonal, we know it's a sign and a symptom of something else going on. So that irritation isn't necessarily a reflection of the health of your relationship, but a symptom of overwhelm. And the thing about this, the thing about this little fact is that what it does, it just creates a sense of hope, doesn't it? Maybe it's actually just a symptom of overwhelm. Maybe there are things I can do.

maybe my relationship isn't broken. Maybe there's hope underneath all these layers of stress. And maybe together, you know, another tip that I have is just to have a real thing, you know, what is missing? What is missing for you at the moment? Is it care? You know, is the care gone amongst the logistics that you're not really holding each other in mind?

Are the daytime text messages, you know, they're gone? It's a little quick phone call. like how just have a nice lunch what you have in how's day going you know they might only last 30 seconds but those little touch points they just gone amongst all the logistics and the caring and the rushing around what else is it that you're that you're really missing and how might you find ways just to even nod to that in bringing it back maybe you used to love going out for dinner and that's just off the table right now pardon the pun that was accidental i think the accidental was the best. You know, even if going out for dinner is off the table, might you have one night a week

where, you know, whoever it is can choose a dinner and just something super easy, you know, maybe it's one of those shove it in the oven deals, but you actually sit at the table if you've gone to the habit thing on the sofa. You sit at the table and you just sit at the table and then you eat your dinner and you have that moment where you're not just passively kind of outsourcing the rest of the TV and having stuttered conversations. but it actually just gives you 20 minutes, half an hour to talk. Is it laughter? You know, is it laughter?

Is that what's gone? What used to make you laugh? What did you enjoy doing together? Is there any chance? And I think sometimes, like, we have a real challenge of, you know, finding babysitters who are not capable because they're all capable, but we have specific needs in our household that make it quite challenging to get someone to step in and put three kids to bed.

There are probably like two or three people that, I know in life. And my mom, she's like two and a half hours away. And my in-laws are an hour away. So who can confidently put all three of my kids to bed. So sometimes you can feel like, you know, where, where is that, that even that opportunity? And I think sometimes it, you know, it's just taking that extra bit of time to find someone who can maybe step in so you can go out once a month or maybe even on a Saturday morning brunch, you know, whatever that might be for you. Can you get someone? If you don't have a village around you. Can you swap with a mate so that you do a little babysitting deal so you you don't even have to pay. You just do a little swap with a neighbour so that you can, yeah, find

someone who can get to know your kids, maybe invite them around for like a coffee play date so they can get to know your kids and all your child and feel familiar with the routine and stuff so you feel a little bit more comfortable and confident in stepping away. You know, what can you do? And sometimes it does take effort. Sometimes it does take a bit of thought to think, you know, what are we lacking and what do we need? And actually sometimes the things that you loved, you don't even really love anymore, like a year or two have gone by. And actually that's not really, doesn't sound like fun to you anymore. So what might, what might you try out? What, what little thing that you do? My husband and I in the last year of discovered doing the

arrow words I talk about here because I flip and love them, you know, like crosswords. And we do them together in bed and it's just really nice. And in days gone by, you know, we might have been on our phones just doing a final scroll but now our phones are down and we're doing our word together and it is a moment of connection because you're doing a joint a joint thing you know what about dusting off the cards what might you do that just brings a little bit of chance for connection and yes it is sometimes it is those tiny little acts of connection you know when you're exhausted these big gestures big date nights like weekends away they're just yeah they can feel absolutely just impossible like shooting for the moon

but how can you find something small, you know, just a moment when the kids are in bed or your child's in bed, just sitting quietly or just making an effort to give each other a hug before you leave for work or when the first time someone is back in the house, just to head to the other person, just to head. And it's also really good for kids to see this. It makes them feel really great, you know, just to head to each other. And another thing is just that communication, that just being honest about this stage of life because so much can go internalized, right? And then we start imagining what the other person is thinking and what they're feeling. We start filling in all the gaps.

And having conversation is just a really good way. I mean, sometimes it can get a little bit fiery. But as you remember, and you're both on the same team. And this is a really, really challenging time in life. I remember when my youngest daughter went to school, I just remember thinking, wow, that was really, I guess, still really hard. in different ways. But I was like, wow, those first five years really are something. You're in survival for quite a lot of it, making it through, juggling all the logistics.

It's hard. It's a really challenging season of life on parents and on couples. I was just think, wow, I can't remember, like, there are so many people who think, who have had children is a, you know, a bit, last ditch attempt to try and connect the relationship but it just challenges it really, really does. So how can you invest in that relationship? How can you just try and communicate a little bit more, more honestly? Yeah. And just know that you're probably both feeling it in different ways and just go and saying, you know, I feel really overloaded and it's hard to feel anything right now. Just working on our relationship

feels like another thing to do and I've got so many knees coming at me. Sometimes as much as I love you, It just feels like another area in which I am not meeting needs. So just verbalise this. And maybe you will get some kind and compassionate words back that actually feel really, really supportive. Yeah. So the next thing is just find some space for yourself. How can you, even if you're having to shoehorn it in, even if it is as simple as a 10-minute walk around the block, what can you do for you? What can you do for you?

totally guilt-free because there need be no guilt attached taking time for ourselves. We need time. We need time. What can you do? Because as you can engage in a little bit more in the things that make you feel like you, it can kind of bring a little bit of flicker of light and a bit of a sparkle in your eye, which will positively impact relationships. So yeah, make sure another tip and then I'm going to round it off. Make sure that you are, It's like you're saying you haven't got a village, but I would love you to think about where are those people who really get you? Where are those people that you do not have to caveat, you know, and explain yourself, especially when it comes to parenting, autistic children, you know, where are those people? Is it online, offline, are there relationships that you need to build, conversations you might benefit from having just to go that little bit deeper into the reality of your experience and challenges?

It might be a therapist. it might be a support group that you find through, you know, your local community. It might be an online, online community that you find where actually you can start practicing being more open and honest about the challenges that you face. Because I think we just really need to feel seen and heard. And if you are not feeling that at the moment in your relationship, then it can just kind of really add fuel to that sense of loneliness that you can feel in your own homes sometimes when that connection isn't there.

So, you know, as a couple or as an individual, you know finding those spaces and places that you feel really got um and then also couple therapy like going on the relate website looking for a couple therapists locally to you engaging in maybe some online programs that just help you find a way back to each other even in those small and sustainable ways in this busy season of your life and just find try and find compassion for yourself and for the other person you know it's so easy when we're feeling stressed and frazzled to see the other person as the enemy. It can be like, well, you get this, you do that, you know, you're basically having a rest day at work and just being able to talk about

that and having compassion and knowing. And when you have those discussions, you can find out what it feels like to be on the flip side. And remember talking to my husband about my envy of his commute to work and him saying how hard he found it to step away when he knew that I was having a hard time and how he felt, you know, like he was failing in parts just as I was. And I just found that really helpful. So just talking about those and taking those small steps, finding compassion for one another, knowing that this season of life is really tough. And one day you will look back and you'll be like, wow, that really was hard.

And wow, we made it. We made it. It might have been by the skin of our teeth, but we made it. And yeah, find those ways to invest in yourself and each other. And I hope that was helpful. Take care. Thank you for listening. to the Therapy Edit today. If you enjoyed it, please do take a sec to like and subscribe

so we can share the words further and wider. If you have an Ask Anna question or an anonymous confession for the Confessions from the Therapy Room episodes, head to anamatha.com and click on the podcast tab to submit. Want more? Grab a copy of my most recent book, The Uncomfortable Truth, change your life by taming ten of your mind's greatest fears, or enjoy some of the video and downloadable resources on my website, tackling everything from burnout to driving out. anxiety. So until the next episode, goodbye.