The Therapy Edit - Confessions - my family ask too much of me

Episode Date: November 22, 2024

Today Anna tackles a new anonymous Confession from the Therapy Room;"I'm finding the needs of my extended family exhausting. With both my partner and I having divorced and remarried parents, seeing enough of our family feels like a constant pressure and the end result is that we spend every weekend and bit of downtime with them and never have any time just us. How do we make them understand without making them feel like we don't care about them? I'm pretty good at boundary settings in every area of life apart from this one!"Anna replies with some compassionate advice and tips that will help everyone, regardless of whether they can relate to this confession or not.Do you have an Ask Anna question you'd like to submit for future episodes? Or an anonymous confession? Visit the website to learn how Please note - the names and voices of some of the Ask Anna/Confessions contributors may have been changed at their request.

Welcome to The Therapy Edit. I'm your host, psychotherapist and author, Anna Martha. I will be bringing you bite-sized episodes twice a week full of tips, wise words from expert guests and insights to support your mental well-being. Hello and welcome to The Therapy Edit. We've got confessions from the therapy room. So over the next 10 minutes, I am going to be answering an anonymous listener confession

from my very comfy therapy chair. And a funny story about this therapy chair that I'm sat in. It actually used to be a chair in my friend's pub. And I used to love sitting in those chairs when I go and have a chat with her when she was working there. And then when, yeah, they were turfing them out. So I got one and I've had it nicely re-upholstered.

So it's not the same material that was sat on by many, many people. But it's lovely when these things have a story, isn't it? So I'm very happy to be sat here recording, yeah, just some compassionate words that I think that you will resonate with, especially as we move towards Christmas. So this is all about just navigating different demands from family that are coming your way. And I think when we're moving towards Christmas, there's going to be a lot of people, yeah, just facing some tricky dynamics and finding it hard to maybe say no to things because, you know, in work it can be easier to hold a boundary, but actually when it comes to family, some of these really longstanding

friendships may be that it's just not so easy. It can be more complicated. So here is this week's confession. I'm finding the needs of my extended family exhausting. With both my partner and I having divorced and remarried parents, so two sets of parents maybe each to be dealing with here, seeing enough of our family feels like a constant pressure. And the end result is that we spend every weekend and every bit of downtime with them and never have any time just us? How do we make them understand without making them feel like that we don't care about them? I'm pretty good at boundary setting in every area of life apart from this one. So compassionate words for the confession because I think sometimes with this, these kind of,

yeah, with these situations can just come a lot of frustration. You know, why don't I find this easier? How can we keep each, like everyone happy, maybe resentment? You know, why does everyone want to see us all the time? Do they not know that sometimes we just need some time as a family or as a couple? And it can, yeah, there can just be lots of different emotions that come up with this. And yeah, so how can we have some compassion? It's hard, isn't it? It's hard having these needs and expectations coming at you. and it's hard when they are relationships that you really care about and you want to invest in. But when there are extra parties at play here, that is a lot of people and a lot of weekends.

And it sounds like you, lovely listener, really know what you need, actually. You need more time together. You need more time to connect. You need more time in your diary that isn't about anyone else. It isn't about seeing other people. It isn't about investing in those relationships. It isn't about keeping other people happy. It's just about slowing down and connecting, whether that's with your partner or with your family.

Your kids, I don't know. Yeah, so it's understandable that sometimes it can be easier to say no in a work setting. It can be easier maybe even to say no to a friend. But we know that actually when it comes to a family, it carries bigger costs because these are longer standing relationships. They're often, we have years of history and dynamics and things that you've been through. And you may well know that the journey for them has been challenging. So, you know, you might have this sense of I want to be able to make the most of you. And I get this actually in, you know, therapeutically when people have parents that are getting older.

You know, that sense of I kind of want to make the most of you, but I can't be with you all the time because also I need to make the most of, you know, this stage of my life that I'm in now. So it's a lot to juggle. It's a lot to juggle. And actually the cost of placing down a boundary and saying, you know what we need more time as a family unit for us or as a couple. And then misunderstanding you, potentially feeling hurt, you know, that's a high cost, isn't it? That is potentially it can be quite disruptive if you place a boundary and it's resisted. If you say in the most articulate, thought out way, no, or we need to pull back or we can't. And the other person is hurt by that. That's really hard. That's really, really hard. And it sounds here that there is

that little bit of what kind of resentment I'm hearing. You know, we spend every weekend a bit of downtime with them and never have any time just us. So there's a recognition for the importance of spending that time together. So, I mean, what I would recommend is that a conversation is to be had here. Because really what happens when we start lying and saying actually we can't do that weekend because such and such, we can tie ourselves in knots, can't we? And it can be quite confusing for the family member that suddenly feels like they're really pulling back. And every time that I, you know, invite them over, suddenly they're busy what's going on. So honesty kind of, you know, it means that there's little room for that kind of confusion.

It means we're less likely to tie ourselves and knots. Or then fill our weekends with seeing friends just by way of an excuse of the fact that we can't see family. When actually it's the space and the time that you need. There might be fear here of worry about parents taking it personally. How do we make them understand without making them feel like we don't care? I think sometimes there is that fear, isn't it? If I say no, if I place down a boundary, if I say to a friend, I can't. And it's not because I'm busy.

It's just because I need some breathing space in my week. You know, that actually, that isn't an offence. That isn't a rejection of them and who they are and who they mean to you. It's actually a recognition of your needs. And we can do the both. We can see them less often, still maintain. maintain the relationship whilst also finding ways to respect our own limits and our needs for connection with a partner or family. Maybe, you know, speaking to the listener here and anyone

else that this resonates with, part of the challenge is that actually when people have held a boundary with you or they've said no to something, have you felt like that's a rejection of who you are? If someone has said, oh, I can't, I can't come or actually, I just really need a night in. How do you take that? Do you take that as they don't want to be with me? They don't want to spend time with me because actually if that's a response that you feel, that perhaps you feel a bit of abandonment, then we can so often project that onto other people and assume that if we hold a really healthy boundary, they're going to feel rejected. They're going to feel cast aside.

They're going to feel like they don't matter to us. Now what we can do is we can emphasize the fact that, look, we love seeing you, but we also just need some time at home. We've got stuff to do at home, or we just, we just, life is just full on and we just need a little bit more downtime. So that means that we can't see family every single weekend. You know, you can articulate it as beautifully as, as you possibly can. You can be honest, you can be gentle, but ultimately you cannot take responsibility for how that is received. Because so much of how what we share and what we take time and attention in delivering honestly and authentically. So much of how that is received is actually so little to do with this and so far out of our

control. So if someone maybe has historically felt abandoned or rejected in some context, for them perhaps having someone say, you know what, I love seeing you, but actually we need a bit more time, just having down time at home, maybe for them that they might read abandonment into that. They might read rejection into that, but that will be because of their experiences. That isn't because you are abandoning and rejecting them. You are not abandoning and rejecting people that you love in holding healthy boundaries. So I think sometimes it's recognizing that we can articulate things well, but we cannot take responsibility or control how it is received. So what I'm encouraging you to do here, I think,

is to stop putting someone else's wishes over your well-being. Sometimes relationships have this sacrificial element to them. Sometimes we have to do things that maybe actually we'd rather not do, but we care about people and we want to invest time and energy in them. But actually, if that is all we are doing, if we are overriding our well-being, maybe a need for connection or rest or downtime at home, to adhere to someone else's wishes,

not their needs. They don't need to see you all the time. They wish to see you all the time. But if you are putting that wish of theirs, that preference, that hope, that desire over your well-being, you know, your need for downtime, you need for rest, you'll need for connection with your partner or your family, then what happens when we're just constantly doing things out of duty is that that is where the resentment start to come in. That is where you turn up, actually thinking, oh, I just really want to be at home. I just don't want to be here. Like, I love you, but I don't want to be here. And actually, that will already somehow on some level be impacting the relationship. So sometimes we don't want to have these difficult conversations because we don't want to impact the relationship.

But actually, if you let this continue in that resentment and that sense of, I'm not meeting my needs here because I'm always meeting your wishes. You know, that's just going to grow. That's just going to grow. So, yeah, we risk being misunderstood. We risk someone taking offence at our honesty and you risk all of that. But actually, you know, this is a really healthy boundary to hold and healthy relationships can withstand healthy boundaries. And in time, it might just be a case of finding a new normal and yes it might be uncomfortable for a while as everyone gets used to it and yes have a little thing about what is that boundary for you what is a healthy amount to see your family what would make you happy where is your well what is your well being missing has

been missing out on what would it look like for you to yeah what if you try and map it out over the next few months what what would that actually look like every other weekend once every three weeks, trying to see them for less time. So maybe every other week but for half a day instead of a whole day. You know, what would that actually look like? What does a happy, healthy balance sound like for you? And the other thing I would say, if you haven't spoken to your partner about this, then do.

Make sure you're on the same page. Make sure you're expressing actually what the need is beneath that desire. You know, I need some slower time. I need time just to invest in my relationship. with you. I need some space. I need time to feel bedded into the season of our lives that we're in right now, maybe before we think about the next step, whatever that might look like. But yeah, it's hard because it is and it's uncomfortable, because it is uncomfortable, because challenging and changing dynamics and what has begun to feel normal, it is going to be uncomfortable for a while

as you shuffle, you know, things shuffle and you find that new sense of normal. But uncomfortable isn't always bad. It can pave the way for new ways, better ways. And someone being disappointed or someone finding it hard to accept where you want to place this healthy boundary doesn't mean you're placing it in the wrong place. Doesn't mean it was the wrong thing to do. It just means it might take time for them to accept that. One set of parents may well be completely understanding. The other one might really struggle with it, but just be open to that dialogue. And good luck good luck and you're not alone and as christmas comes upon us there'll be many many many people that are navigating these challenges at the minute so i hope you found that helpful don't forget to go

onto my website anamatha.com and under podcast you will find a place where you can submit your our scanners which i get a guest to help me answer and you can also submit your anonymous confessions which i will yeah hopefully be able to answer here for you but take care and have a good week and look out for the Ask Anna episode on the Monday. Bye. Thank you for listening to The Therapy Edit today. If you enjoyed it, please do take a sec to like and subscribe so we can share the words further and wider. If you have an Ask Anna question or an anonymous confession for the Confessions from the Therapy Room episodes, head to anamatha.com and click on the podcast tab to submit. Want more? Grab a copy of my most recent book,

The Uncomfortable Truth. Change your life. by taming 10 of your mind's greatest fears or enjoy some of the video and downloadable resources on my website, tackling everything from burnout to driving anxiety. So until the next episode, goodbye.