The Therapy Edit - Confessions - my friends just talk, they never listen

Episode Date: January 10, 2025

Today Anna tackles a new anonymous Confession from the Therapy Room;"I seem to only have friends that talk. Whenever I meet up with any of them and ask how they are, they just drone on and on about their own problems without ever asking if I'm ok!"Anna replies with some compassionate advice and tips that will help everyone, regardless of whether they can relate to this confession or not.Please note - the names and voices of some of the Ask Anna/Confessions contributors may have been changed at their request.

Welcome to the Therapy Edit. I'm your host, Psychotherapist and author Anna Martha. I will be bringing you bite-sized episodes twice a week full of tips, wise words from expert guests and insights to support your mental well-being. Hey everyone. I hope you're well. Today for this episode of the Therapy Edit, I have an amazing confession from the therapy room that someone has shared anonymously. and it's a really meaty one and I've got quite a few notes I'm really excited to get stuck in to this because I think it's going to be really helpful

so I'll go straight in with a confession I seem to only have friends that talk whenever I meet up with any of them and ask them how they are they just drone on and on about their problems without ever asking me if I'm okay how I had oh I mean this just sparked off a whole load of thoughts for me and I think it's really common

that some of us can find ourselves in the caring friend role permanently and that's just the part that is played in friendships but if that is the part that's played in all your friendships you know we need people we need to be able to download we need to be able to answer the question are you okay we need to have that question turned back on ourselves. And I'm definitely historically being one of these people that I was saying, you know, I actually think I just made it my job as a therapist. Because when you're a therapist, people don't really ask. They might say how you, but that's about it.

You're not there to talk about you. You're very much there to talk about them. So I think it was such a comfortable role for me that I even made it my job. back how many years ago, 2009. So quite a long time ago, that was my, that was who I was. I was that caring friend. I found it really hard being, being anything other than that. So being a therapist and having those very one-sided kind of professional relationships worked very well for me because that's how I liked my personal relationships to be too. But I'm hearing in this confession that actually this person, they want to be sported.

they want to be asked. They want to, they want to have that question, you know, said to them, and how are you doing? How are you doing? So I'm going to speak to a few different things here. I'm going to, I'm going to talk because I don't know whether this listener, I don't know how able they feel to kind of share how they are. I don't know whether maybe those friends have asked before and they've gone, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, yeah. And just give them. and really top level answers or whether they, those friends actually do not ask them. So I'm going to kind of speak to all of those different situations there. But it's, I want you to think as you listen, you know, if you're someone that's always

been the go-to, if so, when, when asked questions about how you are, like, do you answer them honestly and authentically or do you just give a kind of rope response and move on with, we're talking about that friend? because if we feel consistently that those relationships just have that one-way dynamic, you can feel really stuck, can feel resentful, you can feel used, you can feel like so much has gone and said, you can actually feel quite hurt, quite unseen, but maybe you don't know how to change that, and that's how this person's saying, you know, this listener is saying, they never ask me if I'm okay. It's not okay for her anymore. You don't want to do it anymore. She doesn't want to

just be there and hear droning on and on about their problems without being asked. And we know that once we start to realize this, we really start to realize it. Once you start thinking, you know, I've had a couple of friends over the years that I would have shared more of myself if they'd have asked. And I think either you can just keep sharing regardless of what questions come at you, can't you, who just kind of share your own, you know, share your own thoughts and share your own experiences as part of that conversation or those questions just never come to you and you start noting and you start thinking, wait a minute, like you've never asked me and even when I do talk about me, you turn it straight back to you and it doesn't feel very reciprocal

that care and that attention. So yeah, I think I've definitely been there and I'm sure it resonates with you as well. So if you've always been the go-to, you know, you know that you need kindness and care too. So I think, yeah, that would be my first thought really for this listener. Is this a role you have always sat in? Is this the place you've always played? Maybe in relationships in the past, maybe,

and this is kind of going quite therapeutic. Therapeutically here is kind of reflecting on the fact that sometimes as children, we have to be the grown-up from the beginning. And sometimes we're in situations where there's a lot of emotional stuff going on, maybe there's trauma going on. So you stepped into the role of caregiver and maybe you've tucked away your own experience and your own emotion because you haven't wanted to add it or maybe the caregivers don't have capacity to be able to support you in your, you know, in your experience of what's going on because they're overwhelmed with what's happening. and reflecting on my own kind of place in this position in the past as being that growing up when there was grief and there was trauma and my sister's death, the role that I played was very much

like I want to be, I don't want to add to that. So I internalised a lot of things because I didn't want to, I didn't want to bring my upset, my grief to the table because there was so much going on, I didn't want to upset people anymore. So I just learn and it's often the way that our coping mechanisms, in childhood or our coping mechanisms at challenging times can so easily become our way

of navigating life so I'd you know if this person was my client that's what I'd definitely want to be exploring but that's worth reflecting on I'd want to know whether this listener's friends were uncaring or whether it was just that kind of habitual dynamic because there is a difference isn't it

there's a difference when we we've got a friend who literally doesn't care what's going on in our lives. They literally just want to download, hear some warm words and then go off and feel better. So that's one thing. The other potential is that that's just been the dynamic. I find it hard to talk. I find it hard to open up. I find it hard to receive support and be the one that's cared for. And even though I want all of those things, I do what I feel I'm best at. I do what feels most familiar, which is to be the carer, which is to be the interested, supported, supportive friend

because there is a difference between those things. So if that person never asks, doesn't have any interest and when you do share about yourself and they just shut it down, they just go straight back to themselves. There are three options. Number one, either you need to move away from those relationships and there are different ways to do that

and begin to seek out and invest in those relationships that do you feel more reciprocated. But I would say, make sure you are investing in other relationships with that have the openness and vulnerability that you crave. Make sure that you do have those to invest in. So yeah, option number one is kind of slowly moving away from those relationships, which I guess would be to kind of see them less often, but to make sure that you are investing time in those relationships that feel more reciprocal. Option number two would be to start sharing more of yourself without waiting to be asked.

So maybe this listener just has that sense of you don't want to hear about me, so I'm not going to share about me because all you want to do is talk. Maybe you reciprocate their honesty with your own honesty. Maybe you weave your story into how you respond. And that conversation is kind of opened up to include your narrative as well. And you're offering that of yourself. And maybe in time that relationship will involve to feel more kind of reciprocal as they learn more of you and more of your story. Option number three, and this is the big one, it's to have that difficult conversation.

Sometimes we shy away from difficult conversation because we worry that it will impact the relationship. When let's face it, the relationship's already impacted because of this ongoing one-way dynamic, right? So it's already impacted. You're already feeling hurt, resentful. So this difficult conversation, if it doesn't go well, will impact the relationship. but it's already not an enjoyable, fulfilling two-way relationship that's supportive for you. And maybe you want to say something like, you know, I really value your friendship. And this is really hard to say.

But because I care about our relationship, I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say it. I don't feel like you ask me how I am. Then give them a chance to respond. They may well say, you know what, I do ask, but you don't really say anything. It's hard and it may not go well. But at least you're honoring that part of you that feels hurt. resentful or you may gain some really interesting insight on how they experience the relationship and it's hard and it's uncomfortable and it's messy and it's imperfect but this is the nature of

relationship really and especially ones that we want to fight for ones that we think you know what it's hard it's a difficult conversation but actually this relationship's really important to me and I want to continue it but I can't carry on like this because I'm hurt and resentful and it's yeah I'm dreading seeing that person maybe And then the second thing is, so if that friendships and if those friendships really just aren't asking you any questions at all, you know, those are the three options. Either you move away, you start sharing more of yourself or you have a difficult conversation. However, if you really want to work on those relationships, if you think, actually, I do think they care about me, but I'm just, I'm not historically in the habit of sharing something I want them to know, I want them to care, but we've gotten to the habit of they know that, they know that. that's just not what I do or they know that I feel quite uncomfortable or I just give a top

level, top line answer. So they've stopped asking or they've stopped asking twice because sometimes we need people to ask twice, right? You know, how are you doing? Yeah, I'm all right. I really, how are you doing? I remember this happened to you. How are you feeling about that? We want more questions and that's often what makes us feel a little bit safer like that person really wants to know. So if that's the case, start thinking about how being the caring, supporting one has been a coping mechanism for you. Maybe you've been open before but actually you felt let down or hurt. So the narrative is that, you know what, there's just no point in sharing with this person because the other time I shared something with them and they just gave me this

advice that was actually really off the mark. And so, yeah, I've just been feeling like what's the point in opening up again because it can feel like a real risk to be vulnerable. Maybe you find easier to stay in that caring role because it's familiar, even though you feel quite limited and maybe even lonely. Maybe it's been the safer option because sometimes it's easier just to stay in that role, isn't it, than having some of those difficult conversations or taking that risk of opening up even though it's been shut down before, even though it's been misunderstood. If you can think about maybe what was part of that journey of you shutting down, You know, that can be really helpful because sometimes we, you know, I remember specific points over the years where I've said something and I felt really misunderstood and felt very tempted just to never say anything about that part of my life again.

I'm never going to talk to anyone about that again when actually just because one person misunderstood you doesn't mean that everyone will or just because your friend got that so wrong doesn't mean they'll get everything wrong. So, yeah, just challenging that a little bit. But yeah, vulnerability is a risk. and as we step out and sharing more of ourselves, it tends to challenge the narrative that it's an unsafe thing to do. And the result of that is that we end up deepening relationships and feeling more supportive. So it all takes time and there are some not very easy answers here,

some difficult conversations maybe that need to be had or just a bit of, yeah, turning the question towards yourself and thinking, how do I answer that question when it's been asked, when it's asked of me how how much of myself do I let people get to know so I hope that's helpful that was quite a meaty one but it was a great one to think about and yeah shared lots of different thoughts but hopefully maybe a light bulb moment in there or a little something to work on but a lot of compassion really because it's it's lonely in that place when you feel like you're the care you're the caring one you're the one that people come to if you if you don't feel that's reciprocated to

and the relationships that mean a lot to you. So I hope that's helpful, and I will be back soon with another confession. Thank you for listening to The Therapy Edit today. If you enjoyed it, please do take a sec to like and subscribe so we can share the words further and wider. If you have an Ask Anna question or an anonymous confession for the Confessions from the Therapy Room episodes, head to Anna Martha.com and click on the podcast tab to submit.

Want more, grab a copy of my most recent book, The Uncomfortable Truth. Change your life by taming 10 of your mind's greatest fears or enjoy some of the video and downloadable resources on my website, tackling everything from burnout to driving anxiety. So until the next episode, goodbye.