The Therapy Edit - Confessions - My husband doesn't know but I'm leaving him

Episode Date: January 17, 2025

Today Anna tackles a new anonymous Confession from the Therapy Room;"My husband doesn't know but I'm leaving him"Anna replies with some compassionate advice and tips that will help everyone, regardless of whether they can relate to this confession or not.Please note - the names and voices of some of the Ask Anna/Confessions contributors may have been changed at their request.

Welcome to The Therapy Edit. I'm your host, Psychotherapist and author Anna Martha. I will be bringing you bite-sized episodes twice a week full of tips, wise words from expert guests and insights to support your mental well-being. Hi everyone. Welcome to today's Confessions from the Therapy Room. It's just a super short episode. And I share my insights and thoughts on an anonymous confession that has come my. way. Now these are often the kind of things that we speak about in the therapy room in those places where people feel safe enough to kind of verbalise some of the things that they may not feel able to say to friends or family members. And this is definitely one of those. It's a big one. You're coming up with some big ones at the moment. And this is a big one because I know it's going to be really useful. You might not, as I always say, you might not feel like this resonates with

your particular situation, but you will feel like some of the tips and advice may well speak into where you're at or may well be helpful or may offer some words of advice to share with a friend. But also, when you're just sent little confessions, you know, you don't kind of know the wider context. So I'm kind of trying to share words that I hope will be helpful for anyone struggling with anything in this area, but I don't know the specifics of this person's experience. So the confession from the therapy room today is this. My husband doesn't know it yet, but in the new year, I'm going to leave him. My husband doesn't know it yet, but in the new year, I'm going to leave him. Now, I think my, gosh, I had so many feelings when I read this and I

I think one of them was this sense that perhaps that person has felt really disempowered in some way in that relationship or the circumstances. And actually when you know that something is big is going to happen, kind of life, life changing, normal shattering, and you know that actually you are controlling that narrative that maybe that is giving you a sense of power that perhaps you feel like you haven't had and maybe there is something almost therapeutic in that in holding the secret and watching Christmas play out but also knowing that actually something is going to happen as when you choose for that to happen that is going to change everything so I just want to be yeah just

share a moment of of awareness for for what has likely led to this, that yeah, maybe there are feelings of being disempowered there that actually this is giving you that sense of power that perhaps you've craved and lacked. So my tips for you, I've got five. But these will be relevant to anyone, I think that maybe is just struggling in their relationship, be it a romantic relationship, being a friendship, being a family relationship and someone else perhaps isn't really aware of the impact that this has had on you. I think first of all, you know, being honest with yourself, really thinking about the why behind your decision, you might know very clearly what that why is. I know why I'm going to leave

my husband and this is why. But really, you know, this is a big thing to do and make sure that you understand the why. Is there hurt? Is there disconnection? Have you been able to communicate that over time and I think sometimes we know that we feel like things are really hard and we can just assume that that other person is completely none the wiser so this this listener this confession says you know my husband doesn't know it yet but he may well also be sitting with the sense that things are not okay perhaps they have not been okay for a long time has there been discussion have you been able to speak through or have your feelings heard if not by your husband have you been able to do that with friends that are there people in your life who do know that this

is what's going through your mind who do know that this is what you are queuing up to change have you got clarity about your feelings and yeah just so that you have the words and ability to communicate those when that time comes the ability to have have that conversation because actually you know your why. You know what you try to express. You know what you've internalized. Have you had those conversations? Be honest with yourself. Talk it out, journaling. The second thing, I've got a few different tips here. I'm going to go with do not do this alone. You know, this is a very big decision and you do not have to do this on your own. And perhaps You've got an army of friends around you, but do you have friends as a couple who can help you as you navigate this together?

Because whilst you might have made that decision to move kind of more independently, you will have friends that care about you as a couple. And it may be that you need people to walk beside you as a couple as you journey through this and navigate it and talk about it. And it might feel like a bombshell for him. So has he got people around him? It may well feel like, actually, you have this conversation and it is not as much of a surprise as you imagine it to be. But do you have people that you can both trust for each of you and for both of you people that can help you process the feelings and the logistics and the conversations that will come as a result? of sharing this insight, this decision, this choice that you have made. Another thing I'd love you to think about is, you know, what support have you got before

you take that leap, even if you haven't aired how you're feeling with your partner? What support do you have as you move towards that? As you make that decision to have that conversation, can you deep, can you, can you, you have a like almost brief it with with someone and maybe so that you can kind of line it up for a debrief afterwards because yeah it's going to be a transition and how open is that choice is it a choice that has certainty or might it be that actually you need to and you would benefit from a kind of pre-decision you know this is if I'm honest with you this is what I want to do after Christmas this is my plan. However, is there something that we want to fight for here? Is there something

that actually if we change, if we challenge, if we shift, if we get support, if we get insight, if we get therapeutic kind of input, that perhaps there is something we want to fight for. You may well have decided, no, you may well have decided this is my choice. I'm doing this with certainty but it's just worth considering isn't it it's just worth thinking if it isn't if there isn't if there's cracks in the certainty what might that look like what might the choices be that we have maybe you say I'd like to explore therapy together and if they're not willing then they're not willing and that's it's hard isn't it when you when you kind of put yourself out there and you say things are not okay this is where I'm heading are you

you willing to do this to seek support and if they're not then that you can't control that can you so make sure that you have got support before taking that leap and if you can you know is there a step that you can take before and kind of carrying out that choice to leave maybe there isn't maybe circumstances actually mean that nope that choice is your choice but even then have support before you, before you have that conversation so that you know what you're going to say, you know your why, perhaps you've lined up some things that you'd like to, to share. And then the next kind of bit of insight, I would say is, you know, trying to think of a time in which to have that conversation, because it's not going to be easy.

Is it, it's going to be very emotive, it's going to be very, yeah, it's basically kind of putting change in motion and it might feel like a real relief actually to be having this conversation but how might you plan it so that there it gives it the time that this conversation needs. It might be that you don't owe your husband every detail of why you're making that decision but actually, you know, honoring that shared history that you have, honoring the fact that at one point you wanted to be together, honoring the fact that actually for him, I'm not sure about the circumstances, this might be an absolute bonjourn, an absolute curveball that swipes him sideways.

So this is a big conversation. How might you give it the time it needs? Perhaps if you've got kids, you might say, right, you know, my kids are going to the grandparents for the night because there's a conversation that we really need to have together. So, you know, this evening I'd really appreciate if we need to sit down. There's a chat that we need to have. How can you give it the time and space?

And then finally, you know, just knowing that these really hard things can be done well. They're not easy. They're definitely not kind of neat. They're often messy, often painful. Even if it's the right decision, it's still change. It's still shifting normal. You know, it might feel easier to wait until after Christmas. But how is that going to mean that you carry Christmas?

how is that going to mean if you've got kids how is that what's that going to do with the dynamic you know trying to do it later and trying to delay it trying to you know trying to yeah think right I'm going to do it after Christmas actually what might that mean that you're sitting with over Christmas and it's it's not going to be clear and easy dynamic is it if you know you're sitting with that secret and maybe that's part of you know it might be that actually if we've mentioned that you feel perhaps you feel disempowered that actually there's something in it for you of knowing or watching Christmas pay out and knowing that this is about to happen but we can do hard and painful things gently and ask yourself is the timing really for the best

is it really for his sake or is it really because you're just avoiding that discomfort But it's big stuff, isn't it? It's big stuff. But yes, be honest with yourself. Consider seeking that support. Remember that we can do these big painful things gently and don't, don't carry it alone. Whatever has brought you to this place, whatever has brought you to this decision, you know, we're all entitled to challenge the status quo. We're all entitled to seek and yearn for and want change.

you leave ultimately or whether you stay, you are both worthy of a fulfilling and honest relationship. And I really hope that my words feel supportive and compassionate. And I really hope that that is what you and your partner will find ultimately, whether that's with or separate from each other. So yeah, I will be giving everyone an opportunity on social media to share some kind of kind and supportive advice as well. So look out for that on my grid. But it's just, you know, a reminder that even if, you know, this is nothing that you are, it kind of, it doesn't resonate for you. You're not planning on leaving your partner. You're actually, you know, things are okay. Things are ticking along. But actually, sometimes there are conversations

that really need to be had. Sometimes it is that sense of, you know, what we are both deserving of that fulfilling and honest life and relationship. is that where we're at or do we need to work on things? You know, do we need to put some things in place? Do we need to seek some support? Actually, neither of us are experiencing that or one of us isn't. So, yeah, big one for me there. And I really hope I've done it justice. I'm sending you love and I'm sending you love if, yeah, as you, anyone listening to this kind of things. Yeah, actually, I want more for me. I want more for us. and asking the question of what that might look like in and how you seek that.

But take care. I'll be back soon. Thank you for listening to The Therapy Edit today. If you enjoyed it, please do take a sec to like and subscribe so we can share the words further and wider. If you have an ask and a question or an anonymous confession for the Confessions from the Therapy Room episodes, head to annamartha.com and click on the podcast tab to submit. Want more? Grab a copy of my most recent book, The Uncomfortable Tree. change your life by taming 10 of your mind's greatest fears or enjoy some of the video and

downloadable resources on my website tackling everything from burnout to driving anxiety so until the next episode goodbye