The Therapy Edit - On 2 ways to help you worry less about what others think

Episode Date: October 2, 2023

In this solo episode, following a period of personal trauma and grief in her own life, Anna shares her learning as she reflects on her recent holiday where she handled her curveball in a public forum. How could she worry less about what everyone else was thinking about how she and her family were coping on holiday.Take a listen to hear her two ways to worry less about what others think.We hope you find it helpful.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello and welcome to today's solo episode of The Therapy Edit. Today I have two steps to help you worry less about what people think. Now this was inspired by a moment on my holiday. So we went to Greece for a week in August. And the holiday happened to fall just weeks after we had some really upsetting news as a family. So whilst we were very much looking forward to this holiday, it wasn't our typical holiday. It was one of lots of tears and sadness. And it's funny in the sunshine, such a beautiful setting, such beautiful sunshine, whilst

also this weight of grief. Now, I have this moment, so we stayed in this kind of apartment hotel, absolutely just, oh, just love, I love Greece and the sounds, like, are they crickets or I think, are they chakadas, don't Google, because I definitely said that wrong. But the sound of the evening and the smell and all those beautiful, massive pink flowers, which again, I will not try and remember or say what they're called because I will make it full out of myself. Anyway, it was so beautiful and the kids, we just needed it, we needed it, we needed it. And it was different to how it was, you know, how holidays are because there were lots of mixed feelings. But we stayed in this apartment hotel and we had family staying in a villa up the

road. So we met up, we had some nice dinners and the kids played on the beach and it was a kind of a nice family holiday with a layer with a layer there as well anyway at one point i caught myself wondering thinking what are people thinking of us i wonder what people think about me and my family because holidays and staff will have seen me walking laps of the complex with tear-stained eyes. They've seen me laugh at all at my kids walking in this little like, you know, when they just kind of walk along together and like, yeah, just in this little pool-soaked row, just me just gazing at them thinking, oh my gosh, look at them. This is out of this world. They will have overheard meltdowns. I often find that's quite challenging being on a

whole day with a child who's autistic is though we navigate a lot of meltdowns. So there will have been times when guests and hotel staff will have witnessed these screaming meltdowns, but they will have also witnessed this, the happy mayhem of kids in a family on holiday. They're jumping into the pool, the laughter, the snuggles, all of those things. So I found myself questioning what? I just wonder what people are thinking about us. What conclusions are they drawing? What judgments are they making? Do they think we're happy? Do they think we're sad?

Is it confusing? All of these onlookers. I think, you know, I think about people. I wonder who they are and I wonder what's going on in their lives. I would sit at the pool and I would observe people just as I do. I think a lot of us love it, people watching, just stringing together the little pieces of what I see and trying to fill in the gaps.

Our minds do this. Anyway, I wondered what they thought about us. And then I had this moment of realizing quite how liberated I was from the answer. I don't know what they think about us. And it doesn't matter. And you know what the more I've been through in life, and I don't know whether perhaps some of you have felt the same. And I know that many say that this happens with age as well.

The more we've been through, the less it actually matters what other people think. I think a lot of things about lots of people but actually I know that I don't know them and I think the more that we go through and the more that I've gone through in life feeling misunderstood with my son who has challenges of his own that are often can be quite public

feeling judgment feeling people's thoughts coming at me just knowing that they're thinking things and knowing that some of those things might not be may be very nice or very right or very accurate. I think also with my job, I'm on social media quite a lot. And I think that's also a space that I've had to really come to terms with the fact that people will misunderstand me at points and people won't get me and people might get it wrong or they might not see me and I've had to come to terms with that.

And it's really liberated. these things have liberated me from the answer of, I wonder what people think about us. Now, I know so well and so do you with a whole fresh wave of reality recently how heartbreak and chaos can be

concealed by a smile and a slick of lip gloss. I know how laughter and pain can roll like waves chasing each other along a shoreline each one as authentic and valid as the next. So as I sat by the pools surrounded by my own family, familiar, precious faces, I found that I wondered, but I didn't worry about what others thought in a way that I used to.

And they might not be thinking anything at all. And if they are, they're reading a single line on a thin leaf of a weighty novel that they haven't actually read. How true a review can they really give? How true a review can someone really give of your life? when they don't really, really know you, understand you, know your story. And it's so freeing to start letting go of the meaning of the answers of what do people think of me. It's so freeing. And also it deepens our compassion for the strangers around us because we truly do have no idea of the battle each other are facing

or the waves of emotion they might be hiding behind their sunglasses as they sit by the pool. people will judge you and me just as you and I judge other people so what do we do how do we really liberate ourselves from the answers of what are people thinking about me what are people thinking about us and here are two steps that I have felt have really been pivotal in my freedom from the answer to that question number one step number one acknowledge the fleeting fragility and the subjectivity of the thoughts that you think about other people you know you might make a judgment about someone but you know consciously you don't really know them you don't know their story you don't know why they are the way they are if you were them you might

do the same thing too know the judgment that you feel know how fleeting and how fragile those thoughts are, how surface level. Just really ponder that for a moment when you find yourself worrying about what people think. Think about how fragile your conclusions are about other people. Think about the times perhaps when maybe you've got it wrong. Maybe you made judgments about someone. Then you really got to know them when you thought, wow, how wrong I was. I remember meeting a woman for the first time. She became a friend. And I think, I just got married and I was so excited and I thought this was the most exciting thing that can happen. And I didn't know many other people my age at that point who were married. I was

just 24 when we got married. And I saw her and she had a wedding ring on. I said, oh my goodness, you're married, isn't it? Amazing. And she said, yeah. And there wasn't much more to it than that, but later on I heard her story. And I realized why that yeah was weak and there was little more given. And it just broadened in that young age of mine, that awareness of there is often so much more. You know, the assumptions that we make are often so wrong. And I think the more aware of that we are, the more aware we can become of actually it just, it just means that other people's thoughts about us, you know, they're just often in response to something that they've seen, which actually is only a tiny part of a bigger story.

So acknowledge the fleeting fragility of the thoughts that you think. Number two, the final step for this two step technique is to choose to anchor yourself in the truths that you know. So if you're basically saying, you know what, people's opinions are top level and not a true review of me or my family because they don't know the story, they don't know the behind the scenes. They don't know our histories, our histories, our idiosyncrasies. So choose to anchor yourselves in the truth that you know, in the truths that you know. Number one that I like to think about is I am loved by those who know me most, those who know my depths, those few people in my

life who really, really know and understand me and accept me all the same. So I'm loved by those who know me most. So therefore, the judgments of a stranger, what does that compare to the love that comes from those who know me most. The next one I sometimes think is I know I'm a good person trying to do my best with the resources and knowledge that I have. So again, it just challenges often how much power we can give the assumptions of what other people are thinking or the judgments that we might feel are coming towards this. So two little steps that I found have really fed my freedom of the answer to that question. What are people thinking? Because I found myself not worrying about the answers, just wondering, thinking, goodness me, it must be confusing watching

us sometimes. Now, I've written my new book, Raising a Happy Mother, so that you might not have to travel through these tough times to benefit from these liberating thoughts. I think sometimes we rely on these tough times to strip away our people pleasing and our worries and our anxiety about what other people think. And actually, there is so much that you can do to help cultivate that without having to walk through the tough time. So raising a happier mother is one for you. So I hope that's helpful. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit.

If you have enjoyed it, don't forget to subscribe and review for me. Also, if you need any resources at all, I have lots of videos and courses on everything from health anxiety to driving anxiety and people pleasing nail all on my website, anamatha.com. And also, don't forget my brand new. book Raising a Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy and benefit from. It's all about how to find balance, feel good and see your children flourish as a result. Speak to you soon.