The Therapy Edit - On 3 steps to address comparison

Episode Date: August 28, 2023

In this Monday solo episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna offers out 3 steps to address comparison and allow yourself to be unique and good enough.We hope you enjoy, please don't forget to subscribe, rate and review so more people can benefit from Anna's grounding and therapeutic words.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi, welcome to The Therapy Edit. This episode is, I'm going to say, another one on comparison. I know that I've done numerous episodes on comparison. I've had amazing guests talk about comparison. Biggie Patterson was a recent one that really resonated with people. But I'm not going to apologize for talking about comparison again because it really does steal our attention and rob us of confidence and being proud of where we are at.

Because you know, you can kind of have this sense of, I'm doing okay. And then we can be robbed by that, robbed of that by comparison because we see something else catches our attention and suddenly how we're doing just feels not enough. or it finds a shaming where we're at so we can feel frozen from actually doing anything about it and motivating ourselves. So I do talk about comparison a lot, but I think it's because it pops up a lot and hopefully you'll find lots of different angles in my podcast episodes about comparison that will help you see it in a different way. And sometimes one little way that I explain it or

someone explains it just lands, you know, it just lands inside of you think, yeah, I'm going to take this way of seeing it. So I got a question from a listener saying, how do I stop comparison? It's given me anxiety in motherhood and business. How do I stop it? Now, the thing I will say about comparison is that we all do it. We're encouraged to do it in our culture. If we, if we weren't to compare ourselves, we weren't to compare our stuff, if we weren't to compare our place in then what would happen to our economy? Honestly, honestly, if you were truly happy and content with who you were and where you were, what purchasing decisions would you not make? What subscriptions, what money would you not be spending? Because you have this deep sense of

good enoughness. You have this deep sense of, you know what, this is where I am. I'm not looking or what anyone else is doing. I'm not listening to what anyone else tells me I need to be doing. I'll need to want or need to grow in. So our culture kind of thrives on our comparison. But also comparison is actually this kind of inbuilt mechanism. So if you think back to, I always get back to caveman times.

I don't know why. I don't really know any caveman or I don't know much about their era. But for me, it just is like a way of stripping away all the kind of digital. world and the kind of modernisation that I think feeds comparison. But if we go back to them, comparison is super helpful in survival. If you're part of a tribe, you're looking around and you think, you know what, that person's got bigger muscles than me. Is that a bad thing? Am I then thinking, oh my gosh, I need to go and lift some tree trunks? No, you're thinking, right, when it comes out to hunting, when it comes to hunting and like wrestling bears, this is the woman, this is the guy.

you might think that person's really lean and fast. So they're going to be amazing hunters. This person's really diligent and they're going to be the ones that stay at home and just really focus on how everything's running and growing. So actually comparison in and of itself is just about recognising difference that can be really incredibly useful when it comes to survival. We're less likely to opt for roles that don't actually suit us and fit us. Anyway, I have got three steps to share with you for those times that you're slipping into comparison. That's what I was doing. I was telling you that comparison in and of itself is not, we don't want to stop it because it has, you know, in some ways it does have a purpose.

But when it's starting to give us anxiety, when it's starting to find us to slip into that self-criticism and that feeling of not enoughness and that feeling of I want more because that will make me more valid or that will make me happier, that whole when then game when I have this or do this or attain that then I will be happy like that other person so it's when we're really buying into that but also that anxiety of yeah just where I am isn't good enough and because of where other people are at in a different place how do we stop it so here are three steps take number one be aware of the statements that you are making when you're comparing

comparison can lead us to make some really powerful statements about ourselves i am not good enough i'm not good enough i'm not doing what that person's doing i've not achieved what they've achieved i don't have what they have i am not seen in the way that they are seen therefore as a result i in and of myself in my entirety i'm not good enough or i have not done as well as that person therefore i am a failure These are massive statements, massive, massive statements to be making about the entirety of who you are. What would it do to your child's self-esteem if you were to openly compare them to their peers? You know, if you will literally say you are not as clever as that child, you didn't score as well as that child. They're fully aware of that.

But if we are to drive them home and say, to think, say, you're not clever. you're not you're not good enough you you are failing rather than you know the school was slightly different you know we all have different strengths that's very different to say you are failing you are rubbish using facts so let's think about a parenting example i might see someone being really calm with their kids in fact i remember this woman i used to cross on the school around see her and see her parenting her children she was she seemed like such a calm parent. Do you know what she is? She's just a calm person. Saying that I am a rubbish parent, that's often what went through my head as I saw her beautiful, gentle parenting as I

herded my kids down the road, kicking and screaming. I'm a rubbish parent is huge, isn't it? That's the statement. How can we replace a statement with an actual fact? She seems like such a calm parent. I would like to find some tools to help me feel calmer. So taking that massive statement, I'm a failure. That week of my work didn't go particularly well. What might I need? What resource might I draw upon? Turning the statement into a fact and allowing it to shape what happens next. Number two, find three anchoring truths. When we slip into comparison, the things that are true about ourselves, they seem to pale into insignificance. We know that we are loved. We have people a person in our life who knows as well and loves us. So therefore, the fundamental truth is that

you are lovable. If one person loves you, you are a lovable person. Not by everyone. A lot of people don't know you. You're a lovable person. That's what it proves. So, but when we feel unlike, we find ourselves comparing, you know, that fundamental truth pales into insignificance. So what are three truths that you can remind yourself of when these moments arise? mine are number one i only have so much time in the day i cannot do it all when i notice myself slipping into comparison i can't do it all i can't do it all number two i'm only seeing a snapshot of their life we know this we need to remind ourselves of this and number three i am doing little things to help myself grow sometimes we see someone they might be further down the line

in some way in some aspect than we are and we just feel rubbish i think just reminding yourself that there are little things that you're doing, I'm sure, in your life to help yourself grow bit by bit, step by step, you're moving. You're moving. You're not stuck. Number three, we divert the energy. If you find yourself in comparison mode a lot, dig a little deeper. What are the feelings accompany comparison? If you're feeling jealous, it might be that you're feeling flat or bored and you want to make more for yourself in your work or your relationships. Might you make some changes, find some new tools, challenge your habits or even pursue a dusty old dream that has lain dormant. Rediver the energy. Inquire as to what other

feelings might be there with a comparison. Sadness, loneliness, jealousy. Just dig a little deeper and think what might I need? What is this saying about where I am? What might I need to give myself or ask for so that I'm not feeling stuck? Now, if you want to explore some other resources, know your worth my book is a really good one for this because it talks a lot about comparison in there there are loads of other podcast episodes on comparison i definitely recommend the one with bickie patten and then also if you love journaling and you want to do something like shorter than a book then i've got the week on worth course on anamatha dot com and don't forget also whilst i'm here to sign up to my little bite-sized newsletter it goes out on a monday

and on a monday it's just giving you a little thought for the week super bite-sized and short. And then on the Friday, it's like someone asked a question. It's like, ask Anna. I give three tips off and around friendship and relationships and parenting, mental health, that kind of thing. So you can sign up on my Instagram in the bio. So I hope you enjoy that. And there are always discount codes each week for course and resources. So yeah, there are some tips to help you next time you feel that wave of comparison arise. Take care. Thank you so much for listening. Please do take a moment to subscribe, rate and review as it really helps get these words out to benefit more juggling

parents like us and head to anamatha.com to find my resources on everything from health anxiety to people pleasing starting at only 20 pounds and finally don't forget to pre-order my new book raising a happier mother how to find balance feel good and see your children flourish as a result I can't wait for you to have that take care and we'll chat soon Thank you.