The Therapy Edit - On 3 steps to dealing with irritability, overwhelm or rage

Episode Date: November 7, 2022

In this solo episode of The Therapy Edit Anna responds to a listener request and considers 3 really useful ways that we can manage feelings of rage.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi and welcome to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. Today I am responding to a request that was asked of me when I put a little box on my Instagram and asking what you wanted me to talk about. And there was another question. And I say another one because I think this is a topic that comes up so often, which is how do we deal with rage and like that feeling of irritability? You know when irritability, that just kind of like, er, whether you shout, whether you feel like throwing something or you do just kind of throw something across the room, whether you find yourself just wanting to fight. Be it metaphorically, you know, fight with words, fight with feelings, fight physically or just wanting to run away. Those are the feelings I want to talk about today. What happens? What should we do when we feel this? Because so often, isn't it true, that we can be so kind of

judgmental towards ourselves and others when we see these feelings arise and bubble out. We don't like ourselves. When we are feeling irritable and snappy, we don't think well of ourselves when we are argumentative or when those emotions just come out sideways, perhaps in passive aggressive statements or actions. So what can we do about that? Now, I was talking on my social media the other day about the Coke bottle effect. So if you watch my stories and my little reels, you will have seen me talk about this. And I stood in my garden and I shook a can of coke, didn't have a bottle, I only had a can, I shook it, I shook it and then I went to open it and I had a look on my face as I feared getting totally

covered and it did. It kind of, it erupted and it dribbled out all over kind of down my hands. It wasn't quite the dramatic explosion I was expecting. But what I was showing in that little illustration was that often we are getting shaken up. We are getting shaken up. We are getting shaken up and our children, you know, there are things that happen at school or their nursery settings or their childcare settings or just in social environments where they're being shaken up in a way. Where things are happening, they're being challenged, they're being stretched and often what do we learn to do in our society and sometimes because it's just required of us in a setting where, you know, we have to be outwardly calm or sensible or good. What happens to

these emotions and these things that we don't say and these feelings that we don't express, what happens? They don't just dissipate necessarily, do they? We push them down. It's that coke bottle effect, that's shaking. And then we come home or we're in a certain situation where we're pushed and challenged that little bit more. And what happens is that it just spurs out, it erupts. And I see this with my six-year-old especially, as he says, swallows things down at school as he behaves in a way that is most likely appropriate or he feels as expected of him and then he comes home and it's like that lid pops off the coat bottle and the same happens with us when we feel irritated when we feel angry when we shout it's that stuff

spirting out isn't it so there are three things i'd like you to think about next time you're feeling that irritation, that bubbling up, that rage, that anger, that passive aggression, whatever it looks like for you. I've got three little steps. Now, number one, this is the most important one. Do you know when I spend so long talking about rage, when actually, really what we're talking about is overwhelm? So when you berate yourself for being rageful, irritable, what would it be like to think of it as overwhelmed? Doesn't it change our relationship to it? If I can be cross with myself, I can't believe I shouted, I can't believe I'm so irritable today. But what happens if actually I relate to that as overwhelm?

It becomes less of something for us to criticise ourselves about and more of a little flag that pops up to say, hey, something's going on here. It's all a little bit too much. You know, looking on it as rage and irritability is more likely to prompt guilt, shame and self-criticism. But as soon as we start to see this as overwhelm, it's far more likely to prompt compassion and questioning. And I've found this so helpful with my kids, instead of seeing those moments when they come back from their day as oh they're just being so whatever it might be that we might label that as loud noisy angry naughty even you know and instead of labeling it with those things it can be so helpful for us to ask you know what they're really overwhelmed right now what can i do how can i help

them it just changes our relationship doesn't it to that feeling to what's being presented in that moment. Number two, so you've changed your relationship to this feeling, this irritability, this rage and you're seeing it as overwhel. Something that invites you to explore it a little bit more with open-mindedness and more gentleness and compassion. So number two, what do you need to let out? So if you're seeing this as overwhelmed, what is overwhelmed? What is coming out sideways here? Is it exhaustion? Is it invalidated needs?

Lack of support, need for space? What is the opposite of what you've had too much of? This is particularly helpful. If you've had too much of work and you're full to the brim, what is the opposite of that? It's putting that boundary in. It's closing the laptop. It's taking the email off your phone. is putting a phone in the other room

so that that work isn't eking in if you've had too much noise this is a hard one how might you seek some quiet you know it's those things that we need that get edged out what are you missing for me it was just time with a friend

without the kids so the other night I went for a walk with a friend for half an hour and we basically took it in turns we spoke about her for 15 minutes halfway around this little loop near where we live and then we spoke about me and I came back feeling like that need had been met. Now number three, find a way to meet the need now if you can. How might you meet that need? You know, if it's space, how can you just get a little bit of physical space? Just step it out of a different room for a moment if possible. If it's quiet,

how can you just calm your nervous system by closing your eyes just for a few seconds, there is noise you're shutting off one form of sensory input to give your nervous system that little bit of a break. You know, how can you meet that need in the now? Can you just message a friend so you're getting a little bit of something that you need? And then if you can, plan for a bigger way to meet this need later on. Plan for a bigger way to meet this need later on. and if this is a common need of yours that is coming out in this irritability or this anger that you've identified, if it is a need that is adding to the overwhelm, or perhaps the underwhelming. I say that because sometimes it is, it's that lack of, isn't it, that is finding

us depleted? You know, how can you start to add it into your day or your week? And it might be that you have to get really creative with this one, which is where it can be a little bit tough. I've got two podcast episodes that from the archives that will help. I've got one called five ways to get rest when you can't and five ways to get space when you can't. And there are just some little ideas there that don't necessarily involve heading out for a walk or having a long bar or meeting up with a friend, but little ways to meet those needs as you wait for those bigger opportunities. So I want to leave you with that. Start to see this rage and irritability as overwhelm. Start to view it with a bit more inquisitiveness and gentleness and compassion.

Start to think about if you're overwhelmed, what do you need to let out? What do you need to tweak? How can you find a small way to meet that need now and plan in other ways to meet it in the longer time? I hope that's helpful. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mind over mother, know your worth, and my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between. It's a little book you don't need to read it from front to back. You just

pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos, all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a month. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon.