The Therapy Edit - On 3 steps to reframe self-doubt

Episode Date: March 20, 2023

If you ever find yourself thinking "I can't do this", "I don't deserve this", "someone else is more capable than I am", "I will fail", then this solo episode of The Therapy Edit is for you.Anna shares a powerful 3-step process to reframe self-doubt so we can ease those feelings of worry, anxiety and our fear of failure.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi, welcome to today's solo episode of The Therapy Edit. I have got a three-step tip for you for addressing self-doubt. Now, a follower, a lovely person in our community sent me a message saying I want to talk about self-doubt. How can we get rid of self-doubt? So that is what we're going to chat about today. First of all, I just wanted to say, A, thank you so much for listening to the podcast. Honestly, it means the world. When I looked at some podcasts that Spotify sent me last year, they showed me how many people shared the podcast amongst friends via text message and

WhatsApp. And I just, you know, I never knew or thought that that was going on in the background. So it means the world. And B, I don't know I sometimes have to do things in lists. I haven't got a C. But B, thank you for your shares. And please, please carry on sharing because it just means that the words get out there. It means that people, hopefully more, more mums get these compassionate and grounding words in their ears. And that's what we're here for. So please share and thank you for sharing. I think that's what I was trying to say. So today, self-doubt. How do we get rid of it? So I'm going to say that actually we can't get rid of self-doubt. I'm going to tell you how actually self-doubt has a purpose in a way,

which sounds a little bit strange. And I'm going to encourage you to instead of get rid of self-doubt, actually befriend it. So I'm going to share three steps that you can utilize when you feel self-doubt, three steps that you can, you can work through. So how does self-doubt actually work for us? If it has a good element to it, what the heck is that? Because it sure doesn't feel very good, does it? It feels like that person in your ear telling you you're going to be rubbish at this, that you can't do it, that you shouldn't do it, that you don't perhaps deserve to be doing it. Maybe that someone else is more capable. Maybe that you'll fail So what do we do with this voice of self-doubt? Self-doubt can actually be healthy because it encourages us to think about our limits and our blind spots. It encourages us to think about our weaknesses and our restrictions. Maybe someone asks you to do something at work or can you do this big project and you get this sense of, oh, I don't know if I can. Is that self-doubt? Yeah, it's doubting whether you can. And

And what purpose might that have in that moment is that you're rifling through your mind and you're thinking, do I have capacity right now? Do I have the skill set? Do I have the ability? Do I have the time? So maybe it causes us to make this quick assessment of whether we can actually do something. Because maybe sometimes we doubt we can do something because we physically or we practically, we cannot. or maybe it's like this little flag that pops up and says, you know, this request of me is challenging a boundary somehow. Maybe I actually feel a little bit uncomfortable about it for a reason. And maybe it's not safe that thing that you've been asked to do. Maybe it's a step too far or too big out of your comfort zone because we're all about nudging the perimeters of our comfort

zone. And I think sometimes that's a healthier way to go about it, isn't it? We've been asked of something. When something has been asked of us and we feel that, oh, I don't know. Maybe it's a step too big or too far out of our comfort zone. But a lot of self-doubt, if we're honest, is about fear, fear of failure. It's about worry and anxiety. It's about maybe feeling undeserving of the good things that might be at the end of this opportunity or this boundary stretching. So I want to encourage you to befriend self-doubt because if we make an enemy of something, like, like, you know, I think the person's questions and this person's question and how they worded it, you know, how do I get rid of this, says that it's a bad thing. We've got to make an enemy

of it. It's got power of us. We've got to make an enemy of it. It's got power over us. You know, if we fear it, we have this black and white sense about it. It's bad. And then we don't really engage in it. We just want to shove it away, don't we? But if we befriend self-doubt, you can actually have a conversation with it. We can listen to it. We can bring our own opinion to it. We can argue with it a little bit. So next time self-doubt arises and you feel, I can't do that, I couldn't succeed at that, I don't deserve this. Then follow these steps. Number one, pause. Turn towards this self-doubt instead of away from it. Literally, hold it in your hand. Imagine holding it in your hand and thinking, what is this self-doubt saying? You know, sometimes I'll give you an example after a tough parenting weekend. I feel like I can't do Monday morning.

I can't do it. I can't do it. I fear managing the chaos and the tiredness alone. What if I turn towards that feeling? I can't do it. I'm going to fail. I'm going to do a bad job. Turn towards it rather than let it hold power and feelings of failure over us and think, who says you can't? Because when we turn towards it, we can really kind of have a look at it in the light. Who says I can't do this? Is it true? Is it about limited resources perhaps? Or

is it because maybe there's a narrative at play somehow or a flawed belief that you hold about yourself. So who's saying this to you? Maybe it literally sounds like the voice of someone in your life. You know, you can't do this. You don't deserve this. So with my example of I can't do this on a Sunday night, what's this narrative saying? It's saying I'm going to fail. Where might that have come from? So the second step number two, what is the proof of this belief? of this self-doubt. Have you failed before? Have you failed over and over? Is that it? Has someone given you some really harsh feedback? Is that it? You know, I've lost my rag on a Monday morning before and I've cried in the school after drop-off. So there have been times that it's got really messy,

but I still did it. That's the truth of it. I repaired later and I debrief maybe with a friend on the phone, on the drive home from the drop-off. But the truth of it is that many Monday mornings have also been okay. So have a look at the proof of this sense of self-doubt. Number three, what do you need to put in place? What do you need to put in place? If you're feeling this self-doubt and maybe it's going to stop you from making a decision or it's at risk of stopping you making a decision of actually something it's going to be really good, something that maybe part of you really does want to do. You know, what can you put in place? Do you need a conversation with a friend maybe so that you can hear their kind in affirming words because you're finding it really hard to get into

yourself. Do you need a bit of self-parenting? You know, that, that encouragement that we can give ourselves when we know that actually it's just a really young part of us, that child inside going, I can't do it. And the adult bit of us knows that we can and maybe we can parent ourselves through it. Come on. You can do this. We've done this before. I know it feels scary. But we can do it. Maybe you need to look at your inner dialogue. Maybe that's something you need to put in place and think, you know what, I'm constantly telling myself that I'm a failure. I'm constantly telling myself that I'm not doing enough, that I'm missing the bar. Maybe I need to address that inner dialogue. And then I guess we do it. We do that thing. We recognize that self-doubt and we

we try and find a way to move forward and there's a part of us that is doing it even if everything inside of us is saying you can't so how can you reflect how can you reflect to finish off how did it go that thing that you thought you couldn't do how did it go that thing you thought you'd fail at you'd fail at how did it feel you might have felt like an imposter sometimes we do these things we say well yeah I did it but I feel like I was totally imposter I feel like I was really faking it. Do you know what? You still did it. That part of you that felt like you were faking it, that's still a part of you that actually did it. I think sometimes we just struggle to embody those parts of us that actually do these things, that actually succeed, that actually

did the Monday morning. We want to palm it off. We want to make excuses. Well, you know, actually, I only really coped because someone helped me out, someone encouraged, me. I only really coped because everyone had slept okay. Do you know what? You cope because in that moment you coat with it. You thought you couldn't and you did and that was you. So I hope that's helpful. Moments of self-doubt. Really identify it. Try and befriend it. Bring some balance to it. Think about where did this narrative come from? What's the proof of this? What might I need to put in place so that I can move through it and carry on with it? And how do that? How can I really congratulate myself and celebrate the fact that I still do these things

despite the fact that I'm doubting myself? And every time we do this, we're nurturing our confidence. We're nurturing that narrative that next time we might feel that same doubt. But hey, we did it last time. We did it. And it instills a confidence in us. So instead of running away from that feeling of self-doubt, befriend it. inquire it

thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit if you enjoyed it please do share subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach you can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha you might like to check out my three books mind oven mother know your worth and my new book the little book of calm for new mums grounding words for the highs the lows and the moments in between it's a little book you don't

to read it from front to back. You just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos, all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a month. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon.