The Therapy Edit - On 3 steps to take the stress out of Christmas

Episode Date: December 4, 2023

In this ten minute solo episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna takes a moment to offer listeners three therapeutic and practical steps to take the stress out of Christmas. We really hope it helps.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello, welcome to today's solo episode of The Therapy Edit. I am currently sitting in my quiet house. It's rarely, rarely this quiet. And it is, we're moving towards the end of October, but I'm actually thinking about Christmas. And as this hits, as we click publish on this episode, we will be in full swing of Christmas, the music, the gift request, the frantic shopping. And I'm already at this point thinking, how can I remove some of the stress out of the season ahead?

So speaking to you, in the thick of it, I'm sharing three steps to take the story. dress up Christmas, three things that have just really worked for us. Won't make it totally stress-free. I am not a magician. We have a lot of cultural noise, don't we? A lot of pull. A lot of, I mean, the bar is often set so high. And if you're approaching this Christmas with a heavy heart, maybe you've been through a lot this year. We've been through a lot this year. Maybe you're just feeling the burnout. The juggle is just a struggle and everything just feels like a lot. And And just being faced with all the festivities, it might be, you might be feeling really excited. You might be feeling really ready to dive into it all.

Or you might just be wanting to crawl under the sofa, not even onto the sofa. But either way, I'm going to share with you these three, this three step tip that I have. I actually shared this last year. But I thought, instead of finding you kind of scrolling through the archives, I'm just going to I'm going to tell you again to save you from doing that. So three steps to take some of the stress out of Christmas. Number one, I encourage you to do a tradition inventory. Think about the things that you've always done because you've always done it.

Maybe, and this is it often in families, there are many different traditions from different childhoods that are bought into the mix. my husband's family have traditions my family have traditions and when we came together it was very much a mishmash and some of them are quite opposing do you open you know stocking presents in one go do you have to wait until after breakfast do you open presents under the tree after lunch or do you open them in the morning and we had to try and well just have a little think about which of those traditions did we want to to do as a family but I encourage you to do this inventory of traditions. Challenge them. Do they all benefit you? Do you really, do you really want to eat

certain food? Do you really want to eat it at a certain time of the day? Do you really want to have to see all of these people on these particular days? Just do an inventory. Think about all of the things that you've always done without maybe even questioning whether they are right for you and your family, challenge them. Do they fit for you? Do they have some of them maybe just kind of expired? And I think we can have a sentimental pull, can't we, to traditions. So sometimes it can feel hard to even think about doing it a different way. But what traditions might you want to challenge? Because actually, they don't serve you this year. Maybe last year they were great. but in light of what you've navigated this year,

perhaps you don't have the energy or the capacity or maybe you just want to mix up because you feel like you want some adventure or you actually just want to simplify things. What do you have capacity for this year? Even if you love it, even if you have always cooked a whole roast and that's what you've always done

and you love doing that. But this year, if you are honest, you haven't got capacity. How can you strip it back? How can you mix it up? And the other thing I often, I often think when it comes to challenging what we've always done is to remind yourself

it doesn't have to necessarily be forever, but maybe it's just for this year. Maybe you need to mix it up or let it go or simplify it just for this year. It doesn't need to be forever. I think sometimes we can feel like if we're going to challenge something, that's it. We've got to say goodbye and maybe you can go through

a bit of a grieving process of just letting go of how things have always been. But actually, you know what? It's just this year. What do you need this year? Because traditions are only traditions if they serve you. Sending Christmas cards? Cooking from scratch, buying everybody gifts, hosting. Having a big Christmas or elf on the shelf are these traditions for you that you need to do this year that you have capacity for this year. So the second thing is, after you've done this tradition inventory. Put it into action. Who do you need to speak to? Perhaps you're actually just going to have a small Christmas this year. You haven't got capacity to be hosting or you haven't got capacity to just all get together. Who do you need to talk to? What do you need to do? I remember

the year. I remember it so well. Six years ago. Was it six years ago? I was pregnant with my third? maybe it was five years ago. I remember starting to write the Christmas cards and just thinking, I cannot, I have not capacity. And I was feeling quite resentful, just going through the motions. And I suddenly realized that I didn't have to do it. No one, no one was telling me to. Yes, there might be an expectation from certain family members, but I just suddenly realized and it was like freedom, realizing that I didn't have to do it. So to manage expectations, as I told everyone, I wasn't sending Christmas cards, but donating to a charity. And actually, over the years, I think people have stopped expecting them from us.

And actually, they've stopped sending them to it. And you get a handful now instead of loads. I think we've been struck off many Christmas cards lists. And I'm absolutely fine with that. The kids can make them for grandparents, but we don't do Christmas cards anymore. Maybe you need to get some support or mediation if it needs to be. because sometimes putting down a boundary, maybe just saying, you know what we need

to not be around a million far-flung family members this year because we've been through it. Sometimes you need to get support. Having these conversations maybe from other family members or just support for you as you place a boundary that protects you somehow. And you know what? You might actually be really surprised because other people may even be relieved.

We used to buy presents for all different family members, and there was one year that one, someone in our family said, you know what, money is tight this year? Can we just do Secret Santa? So we're only buying for one family or we're only buying for one couple. And you know what? I'm pretty sure everyone breathed a bit of a sigh of relief. And isn't that great that sometimes in sharing these things and stepping out, actually we're giving other people permission to do the same. Maybe other people are stretching themselves financially or socially. So in sharing these things as scary as it can feel sometimes, as risky as it can feel actually, you might be faced with relief. So step one was do a tradition inventory, challenge those traditions. Step two was to put it into action. Step three is to manage the disappointment. In reality, we place a boundary and there is disappointment that comes our way. And also sometimes we can feel disappointed. We can feel disappointed that actually we don't have the capacity to do that thing this year. We don't have the bandwidth. We don't have the finances, whatever it may be. There might be a feeling of

disappointment. The disappointment might come from the kids. They were raving about elf on the shelf last year and I was just, I had to let them down. I had to let them down and say, you know what, I just, we're not going to have an elf. It's great that your friends do. And they were disappointed, but I knew that I wouldn't have capacity. I knew that I'd be scrambling around. around to reposition this elf. I see it all over the ground. And I just thought I didn't have capacity to do that. And I had to manage the disappointment. You know, when things are tinged with resentment, they're kind of tinged to receive, aren't they? You know that if someone does something for you, but you know that it costs them a lot and then maybe they resent it and they need a lot

of thanks in return, a lot of acknowledgement of the cost. It's kind of tainted, isn't it? Now, we can be kind and sacrificial. But what is the most important thing? Sometimes we need to weigh up other people's temporary discomfort for the health of our mind and our family. And we can do that well. We can have those conversations well, but sometimes we just need to manage the disappointment and think really if we go to that thing or do that thing, what's it going to cost us when actually managing a little bit of disappointment, temporary discomfort from other people? people for the health of our mind or our family, it just, yeah, just tips that balance in being worthwhile. So there we go, three steps, do an inventory of the traditions, put these things into

action and manage any disappointment, but also just welcome, welcome that confidence that comes when you've set down a boundary or you've made a change that actually wasn't easy to do, but you know that it was the right thing. Allow yourself to feel proud of that step that you took and revel in the good that comes from it, whether it's extra time or energy or resources or just a bit of headspace. I hope that's helpful. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you have enjoyed it, don't forget to subscribe and review for me. Also, if you need any resources at all, I have lots of videos and courses on everything from health anxiety to driving anxiety and people pleasing nail all on my website, anamatha.com. And also,

Don't forget my brand new book, Raising a Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy and benefit from. It's all about how to find balance, feel good and see your children flourish as a result. Speak to you soon.