The Therapy Edit - On 3 ways to be more patient

Episode Date: March 6, 2023

In this solo episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna shares 3 ways to be more patient.They say that patience is a virtue. And this is never more true than in our roles as parents. Patience is probably one of the most important parenting practices - yet one of the most difficult to master. For those of us that are emotionally reactive creatures, we have to work extra hard to be patient, especially in high-stress situations.But patience can help to strengthen the bond we have with our children. It helps us parent calmly and more effectively.So how can we refine and improve our patience? Tune in to this episode for Anna's top 3 tips.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi everyone. Welcome to today's solo episode of the Therapy Edit. I have got, oh, it's the one this one, isn't it? Patience. Patience, I think, is to me, one of the most important parents. parenting commodities that is also at times incredibly hard to find. But I'm going to give you three ways to be more patient. Three things that have really, really worked for me. I remember we had a

builder come around to fix something in our house and it was absolutely full on morning and he stuck his head around the door to give me his mug back and he said, you are such a patient mother. And I flipping laughed out loud because patient is honestly not one of the words I, my parents, my husband would use to describe me. I am not, I don't, I'm not naturally a patient person, which is why I have to work so hard to find patients because I really recognize that it having patience really impacts my parenting in a good way and I have to work really hard to get it because I don't have it in abundance. I wouldn't say that I'm like a highly strong person. I'm just very emotional. I'm very emotionally reactive, quite like one of my

kids. And yeah, I have to harness myself, rein myself in. I have to really work hard to ground myself and be patient. And I would say that I have found some ways to. I have found some ways to do that that really, really work for me. So I'm not speaking as a patient person. I'm speaking as someone who isn't patient and really has had to work hard to find it. So number one, know that patience takes energy. It takes energy to be patient. It takes energy to calm your system, your body, your stress response when you're in stressful situations, which is now that's what happens. is challenged. We're under stress in that moment and it takes energy to proactively calm your body so that you can respond in a way that is more rational and perhaps in a way that is more

reflective of how you want to parent. But the best way to have that energy to be patient is to meet our needs outside of that moment of stress. So say that every time you're under stress you have to spend coins physical coins okay in order to bring your body into a calm state where you can think clearly and you can respond in a way that isn't going to send you into a spiral of guilt and self-loathing and the more stressful the situation the more coins it costs you to find to buy that calm for yourself now if you've got no cash in the bank this is going to be so much harder, if not absolutely impossible. So you've got to think of how you can gain those coins, add cash to your bank when you don't need it, so that when you need to draw down on that

bank, you've got something in there. And I think about what rests and restores you. I know that there is so much guilt and I talk about this all the time, don't I, around guilt. around doing things that make you feel good, make you feel like you, things that fill you up, things that ground you, things that slow you, things that give you something. There's so much guilt around these things. But honestly, life changing to recognize that doing these things that rest and restore you, they're acts of love to your children. It's an act of love to my kids when I head out for a walk.

it's an act of love to my kids when I have a chat with a friend on the phone. When I take half a day, be it dealing with all the logistics that might surround that to do something that makes me feel happy because when I fly off the handle as much as I know that I love my kids because I'm depleted, in that moment they don't feel loved. I know I love them. But think about it when someone flies off the handle at you, you don't feel. feel loved, you don't feel cared for in that moment, do you? So when I do these things to restore and rest, those things are active acts of love for my children because they are topping up my

bank to draw from in moments of stress so that I can be patient. I have a better chance of being patient. So know that being patient takes energy. It takes energy. And therefore you need to find ways to energize yourself so that you can draw down on that energy when you need it. Number two, another way to be more patient. This is so, it's just a little tweak and it's really, really, really changed something. I had a friend tell me yesterday that one of the first times that she saw me with the kids. So she said, I got some tea tipped on my head or something. I literally don't know how. I can't remember it. But she said one of the kids got tea on your head. And you just said it doesn't matter. She said it was just

she just said I couldn't have been calm if someone tipped tea on my head. I don't think this was a steaming hot cup of tea. I can't remember this moment. But it clearly, you know, I think I would have reacted if I was getting burnt. And this is, it's just reflective of this tip that I've been that I've been practicing, ask yourself, does it matter? Pick your battles. Often our stress comes from being resistant to the thing that is happening. Recently, it was my daughter's fourth birthday and she had this helium balloon. She wants to take it everywhere with her everywhere, literally everywhere. My husband was trying to negotiate with her that we left the balloon at home and she was getting upset. And I said, it doesn't matter. Does it actually matter if she takes that

with her. So we decided she could take the balloon and everything was fine. And, you know, the stress that rose in that moment was just a resistance to what was happening and it didn't really matter. Then there was less energy that was needed to explain, right? Why taking out the house wasn't a good idea. Funnily enough, in the end, it did blow away and there were tears. But hey, you know, there were many times that she'd taken this flipping balloon outside and it bobbed around and she was happy so it was worth it i remember another time in town and in our local town when all three kids were crying at the same time one of those moments and you're like what are the statistical chances of this happening everyone crying i could literally feel the glares of people around me

or at least i assumed they were glaring at me i didn't kind of look anyone in the eye and i just thought a lot of the stress of that moment for me would have come from i need to make this stop i need to find a way to get everyone moving down the street back towards the car. I need to find a way so that we're not under the gaze of people around us. Then I thought to myself, does it matter? No. It doesn't matter. This is the moment it is happening. So I sat down on the pavement with them in the dust and I just waited for the storm to pass and I didn't look anyone in the eye and I decided not to stress myself with trying to fix something that was already happening. And I'll wait for the storm to pass and it did and we carried on. So ask yourself, does it actually matter? This battle that I'm

fighting in this moment, does it matter? Does that thing dropped on the floor? Does it really, does it really matter? Does it matter? Sometimes it does matter and we have to pick that battle and use that energy to try and be patient within it. But sometimes it just doesn't matter. I also say to myself, is it hurting anyone? No, it's not hurting anyone. Doesn't matter. Number three, calm up for air. Imagine that you're on holiday and you're, oh, you're diving under the water and you're just exploring and you're running out of air. So what do you do? You pop up to the surface, you take that gulp of air and it gives you more capacity to dive back down again and to go see those fish. The thing is when your patience is challenged, think of

about how can you come to the surface for air? You're spending a lot. You're using a lot of energy in that moment. How can you metaphorically just come to the surface to take a gulp of air so that you can get back down there and try and be patient again. How can you resource yourself in that moment? You know, do you just need to send a quick message to a friend for some words of support? Do you need to tap out if there's someone else in the house that can just step in so that you can you know do a two minute lap of the block whatever it is know that sometimes to get a little bit more patience you just need to come up for air take a gulp of air somehow whatever that might be able to look like for you in that moment how can you get that gulp of air is it breathing exercise

is it tapping out for a moment what can you do so there we go just three tips three tools things that really help me as someone that isn't naturally a patient person but has to really work hard and recognises that patience is a way of, yeah, making my kids feel loved and feeling less guilt for myself, so that's helpful. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe or review because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Mark.

you might like to check out my three books mind over mother know your worth and my new book the little book of calm for new mums grounding words for the highs the lows and the moments in between it's a little book you don't need to read it from front to back you just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra a tip and some supportive words to bring comfort and clarity you can also find all my resources guides and videos all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a mum they are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon.