The Therapy Edit - On 3 ways to care less about what people think

Episode Date: April 1, 2024

In this solo episode of The Therapy Edit Anna offers her amazing listeners three bits of advice about how to care less about what others think.Anyone needing more help with this will definitely enjoy the Week on Worth course, People Pleasing workshop or Anna's second book, Know Your Worth.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, Psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello, I hope this episode finds you well, whatever you're up to. I have got three tips to help you care less about what people think. Now, those of you who have listened to this podcast before, you will probably think, my gosh, you've literally given so many tips already. You've written a book on it. I have, it's called No Your Worth. I've also got a course called The People Pleasing course, which is on my website. So I have put a lot out there about how to worry less about what people think. However, as a people pleaser in recovery, I'm always looking for new ways.

I'm always looking at new ways of reframing thoughts or challenging those moments in which which you just feel, no matter how much work or progress you feel you've made in this, it is like a resurgence. It just keeps coming or you're peeling away a whole other layer of where this is challenged. Perhaps there's a situation going on at work where you really thought you'd gotten somewhere in this total fear of what people think. And now someone said this and it's like you're back there again. I did a little live on Instagram.

I'm trying to do like really short ones. Like I put a timer on for two minutes and as soon as I can feel my watch kind of vibrating, I try and round it off. So there are some really succinct short little videos on my Instagram and that you might enjoy. But I did one and it was saying that sometimes we feel like we've taken a step back when actually we've taken a step up. So there will be moments in your addressing people policing journey where you think, I really thought I dealt with this.

is going on when actually it's just peeling back another layer. You've not grown down. You've not stepped back. You've just been challenged in a different way. So I'd love you to hold this in mind as you listen. Now, I used to be someone who would lie awake, worrying about whether I'd unintentionally annoyed or upset someone that day, like literally going through conversations and moments in my head thinking, what did they mean when they said that or they didn't get back to me for like a couple of hours? Is that kind of because they're annoyed and they were trying to think of how it would just get into everything in the sphere of what people think. And there are various reasons as to why we can feel so

preoccupied by what people think. And that's almost, you know, I talk about that a lot in know your worth. So if you're wanting to know why do I find this so hard, why does worrying about what people think take up so much headspace of mind? And there are resources out there that will help you understand the why. So here are three tips that I use at the moment when I recognize that I'm leaning into that fear of what other people think. So the first one is sometimes I like to remind myself that if I were you, I would do exactly what you do. If I were you and I had lived your life, I had walked your path, I had been on the receiving end of the things that you have been on the receiving end of. If I had been spoken to in every which way you had been spoken to,

if my bank balance looked exactly like yours and my life experience, the exact mirror of yours, not even a mirror the same. If I were you. you, I would make the same decisions that you make. I'd behave in the same way that you would behave. Now, why is this helpful when it comes to worrying about what people think? I think it's helpful because it says that often we judge or question other people's, other people harshly when if I were you, I don't understand exactly why you do the things you do, why you think the things that you think about me and the more we recognize how little what other people think of us is actually anything to do with who we are it starts kind of disempowering a little bit right

so next time you fear judgment just remind yourself that that other person isn't seeing life through your lens but theirs and naturally that's going to mean that we clumsily misread each other we judge each other. We make assumptions all the time. Our brains are trying to place us to keep us in the pack. You know, it's understandable. We do worry about what other people think because we're pack animals. We have an innate need to be accepted, but often this just takes a lot of headspace, doesn't it? So knowing that someone else does things the way they do things, think, how they think responds to you in a way they respond to you because of them, their story, their experience is just the same with you. And it's really humbling when we find ourselves

thinking, why would they do that? Why on earth did they just do that? Why do they behave like that? Why do they respond like that? And when we remind ourselves that if I was them, I would be doing that too. It's really humbling, I think. And it just starts separating us out in a really, really healthy way. So number two, my second tip, I posted on my grid. I was thinking, what does everyone like? Natella. Everyone goes mad for it in my family, Natella. So I posted a crow saying, not everyone will like you. You are not a jar of Nutella. And in truth, right, I actually are not a fan of Nutella at all, which just goes to prove again that no one thing or one person can please everybody.

I once said that I'm not a fan of green tea. And I've got loads of messages saying, have you tried it like this? Have you tried it with honey? Have you tried this variant? I'm like, you know what? There's nothing against green tea. Don't take it personally. But it's just not my taste.

And just as you don't gravitate towards every single person in your life equally, do you? I don't. The same will be true for others. It's not a failure or a lacking of you. Just that we're all different. And I think sometimes this really a power. and fuels that people pleasing is that sense that actually if someone doesn't like us if someone

responds to us in a certain way it's actually a failure or a lacking of mind somehow when in truth we're just different we have different tastes we need towards different people and that's the beauty of individuality I guess and also the confusion of it and sometimes too so number three imagine this is what I try to do imagine that you were booking a staycation holiday let online. So you're literally on whatever website you like to go to for your little, you know, staycation. We're looking for a little staycation in the summer. So that's why I was thinking about this little example. So imagine you're just scrolling through the different apartments, flats, whatever it is, houses. And if you're like me, I just go straight

to the reviews. Oh no, did people have a nice time? Was it a nice, comfortable place to stay? what I want to know. Now, how would you feel if you discovered that all of the reviews on the website that you were reading through had been written by people who hadn't even set foot inside that accommodation, let alone visited the local area or country? Now, if you knew, and the next thing that you bought online that all the reviews were just not written by people who had actually owned that item, you'd know that their reviews meant little to nothing at all. And in the same way, when I feel judged by someone or I find myself fearing what someone else thinks, I just record this little metaphor. And I remember that someone's judgment of me and equally, my judgment of them

or you, is as accurate as a review about somewhere I've not even visited. Unless I know you really, really well. And I'm going to choose to really place value on what you say or think of me because I respect your feedback and I want your feedback. Sometimes it's uncomfortable, but it's, you know, we get given it, don't we, by the people that we love. My oldest, he's nine. It's like sometimes he's reviewing my parenting. I get feedback, my parenting. Do you know what? It's often helpful, albeit a little uncomfortable. So it's actually choosing to take some of that power back. from worrying about what other people think, and you think, you know what? They haven't read the book of my life from back to the front.

They've just looked at the cover. So therefore, whatever that person thinks, it's not something I'm going to choose to give a lot of power to. I find these thoughts and these little tips really helpful for me at the moment. And I thought you might find them useful too. Now, if you want to go further in addressing people pleasing or fear of judgment, know your worth is the book to grab. And also the people pleasing course, which is on my website. It's like three weeks, 10 minutes a day. It's quite journal-based. So if you want a more kind of

interactive course, and that might be for you. And my book, Raising a Happier Mother also talks about kind of people-pleasing and self-worth. So hopefully that's helpful. you love, thank you for listening. Please do share, if helpful. Take care. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you have enjoyed it, don't forget to subscribe and review for me. Also, if you need any resources at all, I have lots of videos and courses on everything from health anxiety to driving anxiety and people pleasing nail all on my website, anamatha.com. And also, don't forget my brand new book, raising a happier mother is out now for you to enjoy and benefit from. It's all about how to find

balance, feel good and see your children flourish as a result. Speak to you soon.