The Therapy Edit - On 5 benefits to waving perfectionism goodbye

Episode Date: February 12, 2024

In this ten minute solo episode of The Therapy Edit Anna reflects on the quest for perfection and offers some advice and motivation for letting it go! If you're caught up in a cycle of comparison or striving to be better and better and better, we hope this episode helps you let go of the need to find perfection.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi everyone. Welcome to today's solo episode. You've got me chatting away of 10 minutes. I've got something to share with you, but it's really good, really good to speak with you today. It is January as I record this. I am sat at my desk and I've just been shocked actually by my own short hair because I have my hair cut all like I'm talking about 12 inches 10 inches cut off and I haven't been sat in front of a camera for a while so I'm just like I just thought oh my gosh my hair is all gone it's funny these changes isn't it we really get used to a way that we are and it feels

like a massive thing sometimes to to change it and yeah but also good and I think perfectionism which is what I'm going to talk about today takes a lot of kind of challenging what we know to be true and what we have always done. And I often work with clients on perfectionism. It's something I talk about a lot because it can have such a hold on us and it can be such a huge thing that we strive for in our lives. And it's really affirmed by the world, isn't it? Because if you strive for perfect, you're never going to reach it. But you can, you know, often we do better when we pursue brilliant. We do better. We do better in our jobs. We do better in our relationships. And I remember I used to work in advertising and I was an account manager. So I did all the

kind of the administrative side of dealing with brands and clients. And naturally a creative. So I always just wanted to be a copywriter. I'd always try and have as much of a, as much of an experience as that as I could along the way. But I remember I did all that admin and I was really good at it. And the reason I was good is actually because I am naturally, I would be terrible if I was, if I left myself to my own devices. I forget stuff all the time. I have to live by reminders and my calendar. Everything is in there. And it's almost because I am naturally not good at admin, I have so many things in place that make me. me really good externally at a member. I have to try so hard. Anyway, so I was doing this job

for years and I was just terrified of getting anything wrong. And I was so, that fear drove me to be really good. And I remember going in for my appraisal one year and just, I was that kind of swan on the surface was doing really well. But underneath it all, I was just like, this is so hard. this is so out of line with what I'm passionate about and who I am and I'm just having to try so hard and I'm so scared of getting it wrong and I remember them saying, you know, if you could, if you did this and you did that, you could get a promotion. I thought, oh my gosh, I don't want to go deeper into a job that it's just so hard. And I think I'm burst into tears, which wasn't quite the response that they were asking for. But I think what I'm saying is that my perfectionism got me

got me far in life but what often happens is that underneath it all the cost the cost of pursuing something that isn't sustainable. I think I cried most days over the Waterloo Bridge on the phone to my mum. You know, I was doing great. I was seeking perfection and I was, you know, I wasn't hitting perfection and I didn't get everything right, but I was doing really well because my standards were so high, but in truth, and I wrote this quote and shared it on Instagram, someone asked me to expand on it a little bit in a podcast, so here I am. And this quote that I wrote down, as I reflected on this, was keeping your standards sky high doesn't make you great. It keeps you small. Keeping your standards sky high doesn't make you great.

It keeps you small. And I think reflecting on, you, know what I've just shared with you about my own, my own experience of working in that job. You know, externally, my standards being sky high, you know, they did kind of make me great at what I did, but actually, well, it also really kept me small, it kept me scared, it kept me fearful, it kept me anxious about getting things wrong, it kept me overworking because I was having to be so diligent. It kept me out of doing, maybe going down a week that I really enjoyed. And it was only when I kind of had a bit of an epiphany about, I'm doing so well, but this is so hard for me.

And it's not, I think the fact that I cried at the being told I could get promoted was a bit of a, you know, it was a bit of a sign to me. And made me realize that actually me trying so hard has stopped me from recognizing that maybe it wasn't for me. and that's when I started exploring, training to be a therapist, and it really nudged me. So, yeah, it didn't make me great. It didn't make me fulfilled, having these standards sky high whilst externally I was doing well at my job. It actually kept me small and stuck and scared, and I want to give you five benefits of waving goodbye to perfectionism, because whilst our culture and lots of different areas of your life

may well benefit from and applaud brilliance. You know that it has the cost and I'm going to share you some of the benefits to addressing it. Number one, when you stop setting your standards of brilliance, you're more likely to meet them. This means less self-esteem harming self-criticism and more feelings of empowerment. Isn't it wonderful when we actually set our standards at somewhere that is attainable? And I'm talking about, because, yeah, brilliance is attainable sometimes, but at what cost, you know, how much time and energy and diligence and headspace and what are you having to give and what is it costing you? You know, I wanted to be a brilliant parent and I read and I read everything. I had scripts and research for every different scenario.

and I just would fail to meet the bar because I'm human and I'm tired and I've got different aspects of my life going on that perhaps the books couldn't really take into account because it was just giving us an ideal. You know, we don't live in perfect circumstances and settings with us, you know, full-up resources. We live in messy realities.

And I think if we can just even nurture our standards to just to include that human element, then we're going to be far more likely to reach them. If I'm just trying to do a good enough job of parenting, then at the end of the day, I can pat myself on the back and I can think, you know what, to the main, that was good enough. That was good enough. And then less of that self-criticism creeps in, that self-bullying, that self-shaming. And more of that, yeah, well done, did a great job, good enough. That's what we're going for.

And you can allow yourself to feel proud and empowered by that. But only can that happen when we start adding humanness into the standards that we're setting for ourselves. Number two, the more realistically you set our expectations, the more likely you are to allow others to support you along the way. High standards fuels self-dependency. I did a corporate talk actually for a law firm just before Christmas. And it was all about imposter syndrome. And one of the types of imposter syndrome that I was talking about was this kind of self-co-co- that this kind of self-dependency, this independence, this I'm setting the standards really high because then when I reach them, I feel worthy of the benefits that come from it or the praise that I get. And in that kind of independence, we can find it really hard to allow other people to step in and support us.

that means that, you know, we don't feel deserving when it does go well because it wasn't fully us that did the job. So the more realistically you set your expectations, the more likely you are to say to others, you know what, I've got blind spots here, I've got weaknesses, I'm low on resources, I need you, and we need each other. Number three, you are more likely to treat yourself with kindness and forgiveness when you're taking into account your humaness and your standards. And this is simply because, you know, the more we reach, the more we beat ourselves up for not be able to reach a bar that we were never going to reach anyway, the harsher we are to ourselves in the quiet and a secret place of our minds,

the less likely we are to engage in those behaviours that feel kind and good because we're not going to feel deserving and worthy. So yeah, you're more likely to treat yourself with kindness and forgiveness and respect when your standards aren't sky high. Number four, when you tow the line of perfectionism, you are less likely to be honest with others. Now, when you start sidestepping perfectionism, set in the bar somewhere far more realistic, it allows you to enjoy more enjoyable and authentic relationships because I think when we feel so much shame at getting it wrong and we criticize and berate ourselves, we're far less likely to be able to be open about some of the challenges we have with friends, with family, with those close to us. So actually,

when we don't set the bar up perfectionism, we don't feel so much shame at doing things imperfectly. It's trying our best. Sometimes not trying our best and recognising that that's just part of it too. Sometimes we know what to do and we choose not to do it. And that's part of it too. The fifth thing is when you fear failure, you're less likely to try new things or take risk because you want it to go brilliantly. You want it to go perfectly. So sometimes you just think that that pressure's too high. it's easier just not to go there. I'm not even going to start that project. I'm not even going to apply for that job. I'm not even going to allow myself to dream this because the pressure of doing it brilliantly from the off or succeeding is just too high. I'm not going to go there. But you know

what? Do you accept that failure and learning is just all part of growth, you're far more likely to push your boundaries. So there we go. Five little reasons to benefit from waving goodbye to perfection. them. I hope that that has been helpful. So as you keep your standards high, it doesn't make you great, it keeps you small. And as you amend them, it allows you to step into so much more. I hope it prompts lots of thoughts and little risks along the way, but take care. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you have enjoyed it, don't forget to subscribe and review for me. Also, if you have enjoyed it, don't forget to subscribe and review for me. Also, if you need any resources at all, I have lots of videos and courses on everything from health anxiety to driving anxiety and people pleasing nail all on my website, Anna Martha.com.

And also, don't forget my brand new book, Raising a Happier Mother is out now for you to enjoy and benefit from. It's all about how to find balance, feel good and see your children flourish as a result. Speak to you soon.