The Therapy Edit - On 5 steps to take when you don't feel appreciated

Episode Date: February 13, 2023

In this solo episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna takes ten minutes to consider ways that you can help yourself to feel less underappreciated. Feeling underappreciated is a common emotion in motherhood and one that we all need support to manage.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hi everyone. Welcome to a solo episode of the Therapy Edit. Today I'm going to talk about five steps to take at those times you just feel underappreciated, maybe overlooked, this came as the result of receiving a message from someone saying Anna, how do I deal with the fact that I just feel like the invisible woman in the home, the person that is doing everything and is not getting appreciated? Have you felt like that? Do you feel like that? Can you tap into a moment perhaps where you have felt that frustration bubble up and you perhaps it's resentment?

You know, that resentment that comes when you see yet another person step over the stair pile or leave a plate on the side? Maybe it's your child or your partner that provokes this in you. Maybe it's everyone around you sometimes. It feels like everybody is just not seeing the cost that doing all of these things has on you. So how do we deal with this? How do we deal with this? How do we deal with this feeling of being overlooked and underappreciated or as someone in my community called it the feeling of being the invisible woman in her home, I have got five ways, five steps and some thoughts to share with you. So access in yourself, that moment in which you have felt like that overlooked and that underappreciated person. Maybe it's in your

house, perhaps it's in your workplace, maybe it's in your childhood that you've felt like this. Just hold that feeling in mind as we talk through these steps. Step number one, know what type of behaviour triggers this feeling of feeling like that invisible woman. What is it that people do? What is it that people say? Maybe it's something, a little conversation that goes on in your own mind in which you feel sometimes that you're overlooking yourself. Is it that nobody notices the effort that you make? That nobody thanks you perhaps when you've put time and effort and energy into something. Perhaps one of those things behind the scenes or that washing, this is what I'm thinking about,

the washing that it piles up. That lack of holding you in mind. The holding you in mind. isn't that a lot of what this is? And we hold someone in mind. We're just aware of them. We're just thinking of them. We're thinking, or how does this impact that person if I do this or if I don't do that or how can I help this person by perhaps not stepping over the stair pile in this instance, perhaps just picking up a couple of those things and pulling the back where they belong. Know what type of behaviour triggers this feeling.

of being underappreciated, overlooked, or that invisible woman. Number two, find the second layer of feelings that are being triggered. The first layer is that, you know, that accessible layer, often those active feelings. Think of those really live feelings that come up when you think about those moments in which you felt overlooked or unappreciated. It might be anger. It might be resentment. It might be just that frustration.

Now my clinical supervisor used to say to me that anger and frustration often a bit of a cover-up or they conceal sometimes sadness or fear. Now I've thought a lot about this over the years, especially when I'm working with clients and I think about if your anger conceals fear or sadness, what might you actually be fearing or feeling sad about. Perhaps you're feeling that you'll never be cared for as an equal member of the family. Perhaps there's fear that if you were to stop doing all of the things that you did that people perhaps weren't even noticing, then they would just never get done. Or if you got unwell, or if you had to step away for a while for whatever reason, that people around you wouldn't

be able to cope somehow. Maybe you feel sad that you, sometimes that you feel perhaps alone in juggling all of the stuff. Number three, note what it is that you need. Now this is often the question that gets tears going in my coaching sessions because so often we've overlooked our own needs in the pursuit of doing everyone else's, that meeting everyone else is that it can feel really hard to actually identify and label what our needs are. I really encourage you to practice this because your needs and if you've read my book know your worth or kind of just absorbed any of my content on my social media for example, you will know that I say that your needs are just as valid. Your right to have those needs met, those feelings acknowledged and validated.

are just as valid because you have worth too. Think about what it is that you need. Now number four, how can you get this need or these needs met? Literally think practically when this is the bit where we have to get really creative and perhaps chat to a friend to see how they meet these needs. Go on, you know, just have discussions with people and explore how on earth do you manage to fit in these conversations with friends. How on earth do you manage to fit in a little bit of exercise? How do you manage to fit in, rest? And just explore this with anyone that will talk about it to find out what did they do. Maybe you can get some inspiration. Think about what can you delegate. Can you write up to do lists for the kids to give them some autonomy? Now we have

this on our wall and I encourage the kids to gather their stuff together for school and to go and check their list so that it's not just me all the time thinking that everything falls on my shoulders. So how can you be creative in the way that you're delegating some of these jobs around the home? Maybe you need to have a conversation with your partner perhaps. At a time, do it, do it one of those times when you've got a bit more clarity, not when these actual emotions are activated. I talk about that second layer of feeling that you've discovered. Instead of focusing on the resentment anger,

say how you're feeling overlooked. Share what it means to feel seen for you. And how might you like that to be expressed? What might that look like in your home? And number five, find your fun. How can you find creative ways to have fun and rest? More of it. Now, we often nudge these things to the bottom of our priority list in the pursuit of getting stuff done.

But they need to be the building blocks that go in first because research shows that we are far more productive with our time when we do things from a rested or a happier place. Now, this morning, I had a back-to-back day of work today. I've really been looking forward to sitting down and recording these podcasts, but my day has been back-to-back. and I know that going on a walk helps me. When my kids get back from school later, it will have given me a little something extra. So what I have tended to do in the past is to do all of the things and then head out for my walk. And I know that it doesn't work for me. That walk will not happen.

My work will edge into every little spare moment of my day. So what I did today and what I'm trying to do is put that walk in as the building block that goes first. And you know what? I've been really productive. I'm getting everything done and I've done that thing so think about it think about those things

that make you feel like yourself what have been what's been nudged out in the busyness of life that you can just try just try humor me do a little experiment for a week for a few days

just try and put that thing in first and see how it goes now often one of the biggest barriers to getting what we need is our sense of worth. And many of us have come to believe that our value and our place in the world is earned by what we do and achieve. So that might be something that you recognise as I've spoken those words out. Many of us have come to believe that our value and our place in the world is earned by what

we do and achieve. If those words have resonated for you. and you'll know if they have, then perhaps this is something that you need to address. Take a moment today to appreciate yourself, to acknowledge how much you're doing and how hard it can feel, to recognise the cost of trying to do it all and hopefully feeling a little bit more motivated to put some things in place so that you're not feeling so flattened by the weight of it. Thank you for listening to today's episode of The Therapy Edit. If you enjoyed it, please do share, subscribe or review

because it makes a massive difference to how many people it can reach. You can find more from me on Instagram at Anna Martha. You might like to check out my three books, Mind Over Mother, Know Your Worth, and my new book, The Little Book of Calm for New Mums, grounding words for the highs, the lows, and the moments in between. It's a little book you don't need to read it from front to back, you just pick whatever emotion resonates to find a mantra, a tip and some supportive words

to bring comfort and clarity. You can also find all my resources, guides and videos, all with the sole focus of supporting your emotional and mental well-being as a month. They are all 12 pounds and you can find them on anamatha.com. I look forward to speaking with you soon.