The Therapy Edit - On 5 tips for dealing with public tantrums and meltdowns

Episode Date: April 17, 2023

We've all been there. We stand gazing down at our little one as they scream and shout, cry and wail, and thrash around on the floor.Tantrums are common and a completely normal part of a child's development. But that doesn't stop us feeling stressed, anxious and maybe even embarassed about what others must be thinking when our child is having the mother of all meltdowns. We feel the gaze of others burning a hole in the back of our heads, feeling judged as we plead and grapple and bribe. So how can we manage these moments better?In this solo episode of The Therapy Edit, Anna shares 5 invaluable tips on dealing with public tantrums and meltdowns, helping you to end the conflict, soothe your child and bring peace to your outing once again.

Hello and welcome to the Therapy Edit podcast with me, psychotherapist Anna Martha. I'll be bringing you weekly 10 minute episodes to encourage and support your emotional well-being. Hello and welcome to today's super short episode, just 10 minutes, and it's all about dealing with public tantrums and meltdowns. I know many of us parents have to have to go through that and it can feel a little bit mortified. There are definitely, there have been so many times where I have just wished that we could disappear into the floor and just felt the gaze of other people and just assume that they're judging us. And it's hard, isn't it? It's so hard because I think us, I speak as a Brit who, you know, often we just, we don't want to stick out. We don't want to draw attention to

ourselves. We just want to go on with stuff. And I think our children have very different ideas when it comes to their emotional outbursts. I don't think they are really thinking about that at all. So it's that conflict in the moment of, oh my goodness, it's all going on over here and everyone's looking and it feels really hard. Now, as someone who deals with this challenge a lot, as you will have heard me referenced, I have a currently six-year-old that has real challenges with emotional regulation. So this means we can go from kind of bumbling along to end of the world in 0.2 seconds. And then I've got a four-year-old as well, who isn't averse to throwing herself down on the pavement

and having a good old, a good old tantrum. So I shared my feelings around taking my three kids to a farm park the other day. And this was a question that came out of it. I had someone saying, Anna, I don't know how you take your. three kids out if you know that there's the likelihood of the meltdown, I find it really hard to even think about contemplating, heading out to places. So this is really for you if you deal with those meltdowns in public or just the tantrums or just the, you know, I'm two and I want this and I'm going to throw myself on the floor and let you know quite how much. These are things

that I find really, really help me. Number one, put your blink. on. Sometimes I imagine that there is this big bubble around us. I'm thinking about a very specific moment where two of my kids were crying and wailing in the middle of the high street. And we were just standing against the news agents and it was a really busy day. And I could, you know, I could see people just kind of wandering around us being thinking about us. You know, you can almost feel it. Sometimes you can feel the gaze of people, can't you? So I imagine that We have this big bubble over us, this big, in lockdown, did you ever, I never did it, but I've seen them, these kind of bubbles that you can dine in, these kind of constructs in pub gardens and, you know, outside restaurants and they'd have a little table and chairs and then it looks so cozy. So I almost imagine one of those over us.

It's soundproof and, you know, you can't see through it. And it just enables me to draw my focus in on what is happening with me. my kids and between us instead of that fixation on what people are thinking of us, which can really, really inform how we respond, can't it? Number two, don't hurry it along? I think we have so, we put so much pressure on ourselves often, especially in public, to respond in a way that perhaps we might not do at home. We want to shut it down. We want to speed it up. We want to end it so that we can carry on and stop drawing attention to ourselves. And when we try and do this, I honestly think that it just adds stress because it's all going on and we're grappling.

We might be bribing. We might be pleading. We might be doing all of the things. And actually, I honestly do not think that it speeds it up in any way. I think sometimes it just adds fuel to the fire. I have found it so transformational. to be able to say to myself, this will come to an end, like a storm. Storms come to an end without our meddling, don't they? You know, we can't speed a storm up. And I remind myself of that

in those moments as I feel so tempted to just grab all the tools, do everything, say anything just to make it stop. So there have been times when I've just sat on the pavement. I remember recently taking my six-year-old out of the car, we had to pull into a pub car park because he was really struggling and it was not safe to drive, I would say. So we pulled into a pub car park and I drew him onto my lap and I sat on the floor of that pub car park and it happened to be a Sunday lunchtime as people were filing in for their Sunday lunches and I put my blinkers on And, you know, we were sat there in the gravel. And I just knew that I just had to wait for that storm to pass.

I had to be there and just wait for it to pass. And it did. And putting the blinks on really helped at that time because we were quite a spectacle. So breathe and ground yourself. Don't hurry it along. The storm will pass. Number three, you know, be compassion focused. I'm big on this.

I found it really, really helpful. And this is Dr. Becky, good inside. I've had her on this. podcast. You might want to go and listen to that episode. But she says, you know, your child is a good kid having a hard time. And I love that. And I have to really remind myself for that sometimes. It takes you right back to that actually connection over correction. You know, how can you connect with your child? Sometimes I think, you know, this is my child in a way he's, his loss is rational brain. He's, you know, with my daughter as well, she can't rationalize things right now. She can't kind of

take heed of my pleading instructions. You know, she's just having a hard time, a bit like sometimes I think back to panic attacks that I've had in the past. You know, it will pass and we're good people having hard times. And the more stress we are, the harder it is to access that compassion, I feel. So try and just remember, as Dr. Beck said, your kid is a good kid having a hard time. And think about those moments you've had a hard time. And actually, someone just being comfortable. and consistent is what can bring you back to yourself. Number four, speak slowly and calmly. Few and repeated words, help. They, you know, they help to calm your nervous system and they help to calm your child. Again, I think, you know, sometimes we're just grappling and grasping

anything to help fix it, to help speed it up, to help end it. And we get a bit frantic. You know, if you do this and I will give a little over. And actually, sometimes if we just choose a single sentence and it might be, I know you're sad. I can see you're sad. I care that you're sad. I'm here. I know you're sad. I can see that you're sad. I care that you're sad. I'm here. And actually again, I can feel myself relax as I just give myself permission to not say all the right stuff, but actually just to choose one little phrase, one sentence and just repeat that and do it slowly because as you're doing it slowly, you know, it takes that franticness out of it. And I do think sometimes that franticness can really kind of feed that energy of the situation. And number

five, and this is so important, have your people who get you and know you, because it's an incredibly powerful thing when we feel really known and validated by one or two people in our lives. It takes that power out of everyone's judging me, nobody understands what this is like, and the gazes of people in those public situations because you know that you have those people that you can debrief with and I encourage you to debrief even if it's just sending a friend a message later on saying oh my gosh we just had the biggest three major situation in the supermarket and you know they can say oh man yeah we had that last week and you just feel really got don't you and when you felt the judgment or you assume there's judgment coming at you from other

this is such a needed and powerful thing. So there we go. Five tips for those public tantrums and meltdowns. I will be sharing more of these on my page. I'm going to share some more tonight. And guys, don't forget to sign up to my newsletter. You can do that on my website with a little link in my bio because there were like 18,000 of you who signed up to my newsletter. And on Mondays, I send out a little thought for the week. So these are super short. Like just a couple of paragraphs, something to encourage and inspire you along the way in the week. And then on Friday, it's an Ask Anna. So I give you three tips in response to a question. So yeah, feel free to sign up and hopefully you really, really enjoy these little bursts of encouragement along the way.

And I will speak with you soon. Thank you so much for listening. Please do take a moment to subscribe, rate and review as it really helps get these words. out to benefit more juggling parents like us. And head to anamatha.com to find my resources on everything from health anxiety to people pleasing, starting at only 20 pounds. And finally, don't forget to pre-order my new book, Raising a Happier Mother, How to Find Balance, Feel Good and See Your Children Flourish as a result. I can't wait for you to have that. Take care and we'll chat soon. Thank you.